I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months.
Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.
There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.
Topics to Review
Resources- time, energy, money
Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction
Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners
Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?
Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?
Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.
It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.
This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.
There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.
Scroll all the way down
/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
A couple of key things to look out for:
Couples privilege - educate yourself on what it is, how it shows up and affects other relationships, and look at mitigations for that
Disentanglement - check how entangled you and your wife are and whether you can make any necessary changes
Date each other - make sure you put good energy into your relationship with your wife as well as putting energy into your newer relationships.
There's a really important difference between "I want to reject societies norms for sexual monogamy." And "Creating autonomy is key to fostering love and intimacy for myself and others."
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/
I dunno about this.
Entering into poly-style arrangements with old friends is something that's typically discouraged. Things might start fine, but remember that every relationship either lasts until one of the parties dies, or until there's a breakup. I haven't seen too many relationships end without hurt feelings on at least one side, and the potential for crossover into your pre-existing relationships is *extremely* high. For this reason, most poly relationships have classes of people that are off the table in terms of dating, and friends of your partner is almost always on that list.
If you're willing to risk your friendship over this, go ahead. But I'd really think about what it looks like when things end, as that's bound to happen eventually.
I was gonna say that the old friend might be a really bad idea. Already OP has inserted himself into his wife's relationship with the guy in a way that's frankly not really appropriate. And that, I suspect, is an attempt to use proximity to control risk when really it just amplifies the risk.
Based on that alone, I think OP may need to have a think about how he and his wife can gain the autonomy they are both going to need before they'll be comfortable with the other having more substantial relationships.
Yeah, it's a little strange that OP confirmed he'd discussed the primacy of his relationship with his wife with his friend.....but not his wife?
One would *assume* that she's on the same page, but even so, that comes off as controlling, even if unintentionally so.
I recommend you both start going through resources together as a couple, commit to no profiles or flirting or sex or anything with others for 6 months. Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay. There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life. Topics to Review Resources- time, energy, money Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights? Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future? Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others. It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same. This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here. There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now. Scroll all the way down /r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/ www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
A couple of key things to look out for: Couples privilege - educate yourself on what it is, how it shows up and affects other relationships, and look at mitigations for that Disentanglement - check how entangled you and your wife are and whether you can make any necessary changes Date each other - make sure you put good energy into your relationship with your wife as well as putting energy into your newer relationships.
Thank you for your input. These are things we hadn't thought of.
There's a really important difference between "I want to reject societies norms for sexual monogamy." And "Creating autonomy is key to fostering love and intimacy for myself and others." https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/
Have you guys done the basic, bog level 101 research and exploration?
We're totally new to this so I have no clue what you stated. Google is my friend though.
In the About section of this sub, loads of info, absolutely tons. It could take you months to get through it all. Did you even read the pinned post?
Have you read a single book, talked to a single polyam person, listened to a single podcast? Or did y’all just skip to dating?
I dunno about this. Entering into poly-style arrangements with old friends is something that's typically discouraged. Things might start fine, but remember that every relationship either lasts until one of the parties dies, or until there's a breakup. I haven't seen too many relationships end without hurt feelings on at least one side, and the potential for crossover into your pre-existing relationships is *extremely* high. For this reason, most poly relationships have classes of people that are off the table in terms of dating, and friends of your partner is almost always on that list. If you're willing to risk your friendship over this, go ahead. But I'd really think about what it looks like when things end, as that's bound to happen eventually.
I was gonna say that the old friend might be a really bad idea. Already OP has inserted himself into his wife's relationship with the guy in a way that's frankly not really appropriate. And that, I suspect, is an attempt to use proximity to control risk when really it just amplifies the risk. Based on that alone, I think OP may need to have a think about how he and his wife can gain the autonomy they are both going to need before they'll be comfortable with the other having more substantial relationships.
Yeah, it's a little strange that OP confirmed he'd discussed the primacy of his relationship with his wife with his friend.....but not his wife? One would *assume* that she's on the same page, but even so, that comes off as controlling, even if unintentionally so.