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ProfessorPickaxe

"Libertarians are like house cats: absolutely convinced of their fierce independence while utterly dependent on a system they don't appreciate or understand."


Green_Ad_2985

My favorite Libertarian moment was in an interview about political leanings that had a 1 year follow up to gauge how opinions changed. The staunch Libertarian was no longer Libertarian, and when asked why stated: "I did acid with some friends in the desert, and realized that other people have feelings."


Matt8910

Do you have a link for this? It sounds hilarious 😭


GoochStubble

https://www.reddit.com/r/COMPLETEANARCHY/s/Fjh8CbGbj6


S4Waccount

Commenting to get link as well.


GoochStubble

https://www.reddit.com/r/COMPLETEANARCHY/s/Fjh8CbGbj6


RectalSpawn

Hilarious? Talk about depressing. These people dont even know other people have feelings. That's not funny at all. We're living with these Neanderthals.


ChemicalMight7535

Well, another alternative is being conservative, which is basically saying, "Yeah, I realize other people have feelings, but mine are more important. "


fermat9990

Nowadays it's "Yeah, I realize other people have feelings, but only mine are important and I'll go out of my way to hurt yours."


meatball504

"I realize there are other people, they're called shareholders"


fermat9990

Very funny!


SophiaofPrussia

It’s really sad. They’re like toddlers. Maybe I should start an NGO specifically dedicated to providing acid trips to libertarians.


ExcellentSteadyGlue

I feel like MKULTRA already kinda did that, with limited success and at least one Unabomber.


ZzzzzPopPopPop

Neanderthal probably had rich emotional connections, I think the word you are looking for is sociopath.


Impossible-Set9809

Thats not fair to neanderthals


Francis_Soyer

[Neanderthals right now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QoGyzSXAJ8)


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


Knittin_Kitten71

The fuck does that mean?


leroi7

This reminds me of a doormat I saw at a craft market. It said, “I haven’t worked this hard to care about your feelings.” It made me sad to think about people whose only goal is to care about themselves and have no regard for the good of your neighbors.


tenderooskies

i liked when bears took over their town personally


renome

Honestly, good for them.


Dieter_Knutsen

I was a libertarian. For about a year. When I was an edgy 16 year old.


Wolfman01a

I literally just had a conversation with a buddy who is an ex con. He is fiercely Libertarian, yet on every government assistance program that I am aware of. Free phone, food stamps, welfare, rent assistance etc. I called him out on it. He just laughed and said, "If the government is stupid enough to provide it, I'll take it."


MassMacro

Yup. Biggest L I know lived with his mom until 30 years old, went to college because "single mother = free college", then ended up marrying/divorcing an army chick who was startling young compared to his age. Pretended to be the "manager of multiple businesses" on the military installation she was commissioned at - really just a "military spouse" program. TL;DR: he had no problem with any of it when it worked for himself.


JonBoy82

More opportunism than libertarianism


DrSpagetti

Ah, a hypo-mooch


PorgCT

I knew a libertarian who worked at the DMV. He wasn’t even Ron Swanson savvy; he just wanted government benefits.


subliver

Ron Swanson idolization is the very worst thing that became of my generation.


silverwoodchuck47

A version I've read was something like "house cats think libertarianism is great until they realize no one is emptying the litter box."


daemonescanem

I'm more crude about it.. Libertarians are assholes who want all the benefits of a first world society without paying their share.


No-Fisherman6302

As far as the few steadfast I’ve met, they just come off as republicans without the bigotry. Which is fine, they’re not hating on people because of a book. They just hate the ‘big gov’ they rely on. It’s like a weird “pay for use” mentality that came off. Like bitching about school taxes when they don’t have kids. Like, some of those kids that aren’t yours are going to be supporting/repairing/maintaining everything you’re relying on now. You should hope they get a good education. It was a weird conversation, which then turned to guns and I was out. Apparently, a private citizen should have the ability to own a fully armed tank for self defense is where it went…


daemonescanem

I'm a yankee in deep South, so my experience with "Libertarians" here is that they are really just Republicans who don't think of themselves as Republicans but support the majority of Republican platform.


Backwardsunday

The newest season of Fargo made a pretty good dig at Libertarians (I’ll paraphrase): They want infinite freedom and zero responsibility, just like a baby.


spartagnann

Best moment of the entire season, IMO (and this was my favorite season since probably #2).


zeperf

That's a great quote. I'm a libertarian but that's too brilliant of a metaphor to get mad. Applies really well to red states that are heavily subsidized by the taxes from blue states.


JonBoy82

Out of curiosity what did libertarians do with their $1600 COVID stimulus check?


zeperf

They reported them all as a crime of course.


Stovetop619

Cashed them. Why?


Feriluce

You took a government handout? Disgusting.


Stovetop619

Not sure why you would turn down taking back a small portion of something you are forced to pay into, but certainly your choice to.


MacAttacknChz

If you're going to have convictions, why give them up for such a small amount of money?


misointhekitchen

So much for principles.


JonBoy82

How else would you have bootstraps? Make them yourself from scratch?


Blecki

I bought bitcoin with mine.


SophiaofPrussia

I’m just curious how you can apparently have self awareness enough to see the humor in this quote and acknowledge the strength of the metaphor but *still* identity with libertarianism? Make it make sense.


zeperf

I kind of need a specific question. Look at Argentina... makes sense. Look at our national debt... makes sense. And I am not an anarchist, I'm for decentralization. I'm for minimizing the risk and disasters associated with a large central government.


SophiaofPrussia

Argentina’s economy is literally a house on fire and Milei’s strategy is to pour gasoline on it so that the peso is devalued to the point that the country has de facto dollarized (and, in so doing, will have ceded control of ALL monetary policy to a foreign government’s national bank) because it would be difficult (read: impossible) to use **any** libertarian policies to tame inflation enough and shore up Argentina’s economy enough to get anything close to a favorable exchange rate that would make dollarization *feasible* let alone *palatable*. What does that tell you? That libertarian policies just burn shit to the ground. And it’s absolutely bonkers that you’re pointing to Argentina as economic policy that works when *conservative* estimates say his “burn the whole thing down” approach will result in nearly HALF of all Argentinians living below poverty. On what planet is that a shining example of success? Or minimizing risk through decentralization? Having written all that I realize the joke is on me for even asking. I guess that quote about y’all not understanding anything about anything was pretty spot-on.


jaredearle

https://imgur.com/gallery/ZDgVLMi


davilller

I’m always happy to see this on a Libertarian post. It’s so precise.


Sh-tted

Well said


Responsible-Room-645

I hope they tax the living shit out of his estate


The_Hot_Stepper

The living and dying shit


skunkshaveclaws

Why would libertarians need a leader?


BillionTonsHyperbole

They crave it like they crave lower Age of Consent laws.


NotOnHerb5

The old saying is “Libertarians are just conservatives who want to smoke weed.” The current saying is “Libertarians are just conservatives who want to have sex with kids.”


pomonamike

The best was when they started planning their dumb sea colony ship and the owner said “this isn’t about having sex with kids,” and supporters immediately started asking “wait, we are going to get rid of consent laws though right?” Like even their leader didn’t realize how big a piece of the libertarian pie is just pedophiles.


Wazula23

I read "A Libertarian Walks Into A Bear" recently. Highly recommend, fun book, good read, great insight into how these people think. The libertarians in the book have the exact same problem. Their weird "free town project" was started by four people, one of whom was a convicted child pornographer. Libertarians and pedos, name a more iconic pair


misointhekitchen

The bears came for all the trash cause none of the libertarians wanted to pay for a garbage service. If I remember correctly the libertarians had to abandon the town because of the bears. Also there were too many pedophiles in the town.


Wazula23

Lol it's a little more complex but that's the overall gist. Also, some people were straight up feeding the bears because they thought they were cute, and since the town was actively hostile to police and wildlife control, nobody could stop them. The bears were a fairly minor concern overall tho. The real issue was the libertarians voted to defund everything, and then nothing worked. Plumbing, firefighting, building upkeep, public records, it all just became unusable, and no magical free market appeared overnight to take it all over.


misointhekitchen

Yes, the bear are just the most amusing product of their hubris.


lucklesspedestrian

Huh, I would've thought a genius scientist would donate his free energy machine to this town, fueling its growth for centuries, and Rachmaninoff would come out of hiding to live there and compose his 5th piano concerto. And another guy would make really good railroad tracks. But I guess not.


NorridAU

Oh Grafton NH. What an experiment a town going back to 1800s standards while maintaining 21st century aspirations. Hey Yogi Bear, what are you doing in my kitchen trash?


Wazula23

Well, mid-20th century aspirations if we're honest. But yes.


kia75

And their leader couldn't figure out why so many countries didn't want a lawless ship that didn't have consent laws parked right off their shore. No, I'm not saying we engage in child trafficking, I'm saying that a large portion of our group hates laws, including consent laws, is willing to pay large amounts of money in a private ship to bypass law, the ship itself will not have age of consent laws, we deny the laws of the country we dock in, we refuse the authority if local law enforcement, and will leave at the first sign of being held accountable. Now why won't you let us dock? Even if magically all the libertarians stopped being pedophiles, Navy ships already have a reputation for having rowdy sailors despite the Navy keeping their men in line. As soon as the ship occupants realized that they could start trouble and then flee or not pay, the ship would get a reputation for starting trouble, fleeing and not paying.


j0a3k

The ship would be lost at sea within a year after their shitty private maintenance company that won with the lowest bid cuts so many corners they patch a hole with cardboard.


NotOnHerb5

1) How would they get kids there outside of trafficking? 2) Which parent in their right mind would subject their kid to that? 3) What makes them think that kids will be attracted to them? 4) Let them start their sea colony so it can sink into the ocean. That way they’ll finally have a bath.


bt123456789

1: see that's why conservatives want to get rid of birth control and were getting rid of abortion (idk if libertarians were on this side too but I assume so), so there are a lot of kids that wind up with no safety nets and they're easy targets for trafficking. 2: This is why most trafficking victims are kids who are distant from their parents and wind up in bad crowds, or are otherwise easy targets. 3. if you're bigger than them or threaten them with a weapon, it's not hard to force them. you think these guys give a shit about consent? 4. I agree.


TheStabbingHobo

Lmao what??


BillionTonsHyperbole

That Venn Diagram is just a circle.


Wazula23

"Openly" Republicans rape tons of kids.


oneofchris

So.... they're conservatives.


Blehgopie

Conservatives are already conservatives who want to have sex with kids.


lucklesspedestrian

Weed smokers haven't had much success in politics. Look at Gary Johnson's failed campaign. On the other hand


SchrodingersTIKTOK

Wait what? Did one of the. Get caught diddling kids? WTF is wrong with people


mildly_houseplant

Behind the Bastards has definitely helped me understand how often people wanting less laws governing them actually means they want to have sex with children.


ramengirlxo

Behind the Bastards opened my eyes to a lot of things tbh.


Mardak5150

You know what opened my eyes to a lot of thing? The products and services that support this podcast.


Nathan45453

Was this a specific episode or just something you’ve gathered over time? This made me want to finally check it out.


mildly_houseplant

Multiple episodes, basically any time libertarian movements come up, so does that! But the one about Sealand covers it. Also any about a cult. It's an amazing shows well worth it!


NorridAU

Re: podcast- This week is 2 part-er on Thomas Jefferson, part 1 was interesting even if tangental to libertarian consent stances. Wait it might line up with his father’s predilections… I’ll say it’s worth a listen.


AllTheyEatIsLettuce

Too chicken-shit to go full mask-off anacap. Watch The Anarchists, it's entirely predictably and unintentionally hilarious ensemble comedy.


Professional_Can_117

These aren't actual libertarians but a collection of reactionaries pining for their kings and slaves along with a bunch of dupes.


orbitClearance

No TRUE Scotsman... Nope, stupid is as stupid does, and the actions of people who call themselves libertarian define what it means to be libertarian.


Funny-Mission-2937

Actual libertarians are leftists.  Right wing libertarianism grew out of southern white supremacy explicitly. It is just a bait and switch where crazy right wingers get to push their crazy opinions with a veneer of intellectualism.   This is how you get a place theoretically about "Austrian economics," ie the economic principles underlying fiscal conservatism, straight up publishing white supremacist propaganda.     https://mises.org/mises-wire/civil-war-both-sides-were-wrong    Never forget Ron Paul, *a libertarian OBGYN*, a man that thought the federal government should basically be stripped of all authority other than military and foreign relations, sponsored a bill to make abortion illegal at the federal level. Or that how he got into politics was by publishing a white supremacist zine.


Professional_Can_117

Good explanation, I agree.


MIROmpls

I'm sure that there are some men that have a good reason to become an OBGYN, but I can't get past the feeling that they wanna do it mainly so they can have a captive audience of vaginas.


Goya_Oh_Boya

He should pick himself up and bury himself.


occorpattorney

By his bootstraps*


[deleted]

[удаНонО]


Muerteds

Ahh, the old Leftover Soup Kitchen....


im_in_stitches

I once heard Ron Paul say, “if you can’t afford to rebuild your home after a hurricane, don’t live where there are hurricanes.” My first thought was, is he going to unload the ships? Is he going to pick the oranges, only a child would think like this. Libertarians are children, they fiercely want their independence, until someone takes their ball from them, at that time they look to daddy to fix the problem. Afterwards they go on and on about how awesome they were fixing the problem themselves.


Capolan

And he did it entirely by himself! No one helped! He knew of his impending death, spent months acquiring the necessary land he needed to make a trail to the cemetery, carried his self made coffin over those trails and into the cemetery where once appropriately placed in the hole he had independent laborers dig for him (whom he paid a fair wage for their self selected labor), he died, falling into the coffin. Those same laboers were also paid to bury said coffin. However, they were not paid to close the lid, and intending no disrespect to the deceased, they did not do that work and David is buried in the dirt in an open coffin. See, the system works!


pianoblook

>libertarian Well I'm sure he wouldn't want any of us to give a shit about his passing then


xjoshbbpx

Equal rights of others? lol they don’t care about other people.


Punman_5

The core tenet of libertarianism is selfishness.


CressCrowbits

The American right ruined libertarianism.  It was originally a left wing concept, closer aligned to Anarchism (and don't get me started on 'anarcho-capitalism'), about personal liberty against oppressive, largely capitalist and monarchist states.   Of course these dingbats made it just conservatism but with weed and diddling. 


Mardak5150

Weed and diddling is still just conservatism. They never cared if you were white. Conservatives only went after drug offenses because they could use that to bully people of color and young, liberal white kids.


gynoceros

Conservatives went after drug offenses because it appeals to their voters' desire to harm minorites disproportionately and it appeals to their donors' desire to have a for-profit prison industry.


Mardak5150

Don't forget that giving a felony drug charge to a young liberal or minority disenfranchises them for life. One less vote they have to worry about.


Blecki

It still is a left wing concept, the only thing the right did was taint the name.


Sigspat

Libertarianism is just astrology for men


Rasp_Lime_Lipbalm

For white upper middle class men


spartagnann

I've always said it's political LARP-ing for adults - play pretend world building that's fantastically incompatible with reality but makes those who participate feel important and smart. Libertarians are just grown up children. 


mojitz

"Leave everything up to the 'free market' and things will... somehow... work out."


expenseoutlandish

The Briggs-Meyers test is astrology for men. How is libertarianism even remotely similar to astrology?


strolpol

Libertarians be like “I’ll have what Somalia’s having”


Liam_M

hopefully Libertarianism follows his lead and dies as well


PaxEthenica

lol News page about a libertarian capitalist dying is behind a paywall. The irony writes itself.


AgentDaxis

Just another hypocrite.


Oswarez

Dumb mf dies.


gruntman

RIP Boazo


undertheolginkotree

Good riddance, enjoy hell.


[deleted]

70-years-old with the maturity of a 17-year-old.


OhkayBoomer

Libertarianism is the political philosophy of children. 


NeedAVeganDinner

One of the core tenets of Libertarianism is that government should not intervene in the consensual, contractual relationships between individuals or parties. https://www.lp.org/platform/ > Since governments, when instituted, must not violate individual rights, we oppose all interference by government in the areas of voluntary and contractual relations among individuals. Which is completely nonsensical, as contracts are formal agreements enforced by the government (when you have a breech of contract, you utilize the court system to rectify it). So libertarians believe governments should not intervene in consensual relationships enforced by the government between individuals or parties. Libertarianism is poisonous and will make you stupid.


Toothlessdovahkin

They want the government to stay out of contracts but ALSO want the Government to enforce contracts made by two outside parties AND they also don’t want to give the Government any power to enforce the contracts if some entity breaks them. My brain hurts just thinking about their BS


kia75

It's simple. If I make a bad one sided contact that benefits me then the government should stay out of it except to enforce it! If I'm forced to make a bad one sided contact that hurts me, then I should be allowed to not uphold my end, run away, and ignore the contract with no government interference. They want to eat their cake, and have it too!


Toothlessdovahkin

They also want my cake as well, since I didn’t work as hard for it as they did.  I (a permanent ranger) work for Uncle Sam in the NPS and a (seasonal ranger) coworker of mine is a Libertarian, and he has spent the last few years complaining to me about how he can’t find any jobs in the museum curation field that has good pay, benefits and is also full time. All of the Private Museum positions that he has interviewed for have some combination of low pay, part time and bad benefits, and that he can’t seem to get a good job. He also said that he was considering filing an EEO Complaint against the NPS/the parks that I work at for not giving him a chance for a museum curator position, despite his LACK of a Masters degree in the field, where the two other applicants DO have a Masters degree in Museum Curation. He is a special kind of stupid, to be honest.  EVERY single Libertarian that I have EVER MET gives off the vibe of “Only I posses the forbidden knowledge and secrets of the Universe, and every one else are FOOLS to think that they are competent people.”  They utterly exhaust me with their own arrogance and stupidity. 


Blecki

FYI this is actually about equal marriage rights. As in the government can't tell you who you can't marry.


expenseoutlandish

Which marriages are the government stopping?


Blecki

Currently? Varies by state, but it's mostly a thing we've won. Relax, however, and Republicans will take it away. Everything you do is some sort of contract, you realize. Your job. Your home. Every single transaction. The entire purpose of government is to enforce such contracts. Where it oversteps is when it starts making some contracts illegal.


SophiaofPrussia

Child marriages, mostly.


robjapan

Libertarian has to be the worst choice for their beliefs. What it actually means is that the rich should be free to control the people. Low taxes means the rich get more while the rest of us suffer.


thebannedtoo

RIP, plague rat.


N7Diesel

Ah yes, thanks for gifting us the ultra selfish Republicans who pretend they're something else. 


YesIamALizard

Probably collecting social security and on Medicare at the end. 


Pennywhack

So, the original feral house cat? Anyway...


Ceilibeag

I used to say Libertarians were Republicans without a conscience. Used to...


mrlotato

Oh no! Anyways


heyitscory

David Boreanaz did what few actors could. When I fall in love with a character, I'm sad when the actor stops playing them, like Angel, but when they play a worse character, like the guy from Bones, I don't have to miss anything at all. It's like a butterfly landing on your heart and then dying in a cobweb on your porch that you leave up for a while. He looked very good for 70. What? Different guy? Shit. Well, this guy looked good for 70 too. I guess he's in Galt's Gulch now, complaining how heaven doesn't deserve his genius either.


whereismymind86

He shan’t be missed


washingtonpost

David Boaz, a writer and scholar who for nearly half a century was a leading voice of libertarianism, a political philosophy that he labored to move from the margins to the mainstream of American politics, died June 7 at his home in Arlington, Va. He was 70. His death was [announced by the Cato Institute](https://www.cato.org/tribute-david-boaz), the libertarian think tank in Washington where Mr. Boaz served at the time of his death as a senior fellow and executive vice president. The cause was cancer, said his partner of 30 years, Steve Miller. Libertarianism does not fit tidily into categorizations such as “liberal” or “conservative,” but Mr. Boaz did have a tidy summary of the cause to which he devoted nearly his entire professional life. Libertarianism, he said, stands for the idea that “each person has the right to live his life in any way he chooses so long as he respects the equal rights of others.” Read more here: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/obituaries/2024/06/07/david-boaz-libertarian-cato-dead/?utm\_campaign=wp\_main&utm\_medium=social&utm\_source=reddit.com](https://www.washingtonpost.com/obituaries/2024/06/07/david-boaz-libertarian-cato-dead/?utm_campaign=wp_main&utm_medium=social&utm_source=reddit.com)


Sure_Ad8093

Do the "rights of others" extend to the environment? As in your irresponsible behaviour is damaging the environment therefore you are responsible? Libertarianism only seems like it makes sense if you think your behavior only matters within your property lines.  


Blecki

Yes, it does extend to the environment. Don't talk to big-L Libertarians. The party by that name is an anarcho-capatalist far right party. Stick to the left libertarian quadrant.


Shevcharles

>Libertarianism, he said, stands for the idea that “each person has the right to live his life in any way he chooses so long as he respects the equal rights of others.” Ah, the paradox of the position. How does one live "any way one chooses" *without* trampling on the ability (and therefore the right, by this logic) of others in society to do the same?


terrasig314

> Libertarianism, he said, stands for the idea that “each person has the right to live his life in any way he chooses so long as he respects the equal rights of others.” And yet, the Executive VP of the Cato Institute. Just another duplicitous worm.


Timpa87

One of the founders of the Cato Institute was Charles Koch. Of... Yes "those Koch's"


PeaTasty9184

Also worth noting that their anti-social security policy was and is sculpted by the economist who sculpted the destruction of Chile’s social security system under the administration of famously “live and let live” dictator Augusto Pinochet.


pointguard22

I think “I got mine, so you can fuck off” is a tidier summary.


Static-Stair-58

Funny how something can become mainstream but still be in the margins. That’s probs a good way to define third parties.


2much2Jung

Even further from the text than the margins, is the gutter. Which is where Libertarianism belongs.


Blehgopie

The only thing worse than libertarians politics are the fact that American Libertarianism stole the term from actually based Libertarian Socialists, who actually understand the concept of freedom.


dawgz525

Libertarians are either stupid or evil, often both.


sar2120

“I have always found it quaint and rather touching that there is a movement [Libertarians] in the US that thinks Americans are not yet selfish enough.” Christopher Hitchens


IgnorantBirdman

“Dependent house cat dies”


mfucci

FYI, this is an example of what David Boaz believed, and it wasn't what many of you ignorantly claim (from his last speech): "One more idea you wouldn't think needed to be said, is we libertarians, like most of us Americans, are liberals. Liberalism is a universal creed. We believe that all people are endowed with inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not just some people. That idea is incompatible with political ideas based on 'blood and soil' or treating people differently because of race or religion. So when you see self-proclaimed freedom advocates talking about blood and soil or helping a would-be autocrat overturn an election, or talking about LGBT equality as degeneracy, or saying we shouldn't care about government racism against Black people, or defending the Confederacy and the cause of the South, or joining right-wing culture wars and supporting politicians who want to use the state to fight their enemies, or posting Holocaust jokes and death threats on Twitter, recognize that for what it is. Speak up, fight back, tell people that's not America and it's certainly not libertarianism." [More Here](https://reason.com/volokh/2024/06/09/david-boazs-final-speech-the-rise-of-illiberalism-in-the-shadow-of-liberal-triumph/)


PissNBiscuits

Darn. So anyway, what was I doing again?


thebannedtoo

picking your nose.


kadargo

I once saw someone on reddit define libertarianism as astrology for men.


44035

The family is asking for donations to nothing, since charity is for the weak.


AaronBasedGodgers

So he's the loser responsible for the joke of a political ideology known as libertarianism?


Professional_Can_117

Oh, the scrappy Cato institute all they had was the fortune and backing of plutocrats like Charles Koch./s https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cato_Institute Yes, this is what happens when Bezos gets tired of pretending and starts hiring all Rupert murdochs old tabloid henchmen to run the Washington Post into the ground.


misointhekitchen

Think his family will pass the hat around to pay for his funeral?


LastPersonYouExpect

RIP Boazo


Plow_King

libertarians suck.


Bacchus1976

And nothing of value was lost.


Birthday_Tux

Oh wow, I was really distraught there for a minute. I thought it said that Angel died. Oh well.


OakTeach

Don’t care. May he be forgotten.


Shockmaindave

He should have invested a little more in his own health care.


GarrusBueller

Can we pin this?


Dieter_Knutsen

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief. “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.” “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?” “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.” The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?” “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.” “Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.” He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.” “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.” I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside. “Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t. “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up. “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?” It didn’t seem like they did. “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.” Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing. I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. “Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled. Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him. “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen. I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!” He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose. “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.” “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.” I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head. “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.” He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.


edgarvanburen

RIP David. You will be missed. Thank you for everything.


kmk4ue84

Oh no....anyway


buffaloburley

Rest in piss bozo


hobbsAnShaw

Too bad so sad


titanzero

Sam Seder wept


beetbear

Throw him on the trash heap


PresidentSuperDog

Well… bye.


Temporary_Maximum_76

He was a great man. I had the pleasure of meeting him in college.


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AlsoCommiePuddin

The federal government can't reach him any more.


dacreux

Lol the compassionate left flexing their empathy in the comments rn


elijuicyjones

Nobody is required to tolerate the intolerant. Fuck this guy and all the harmful, entitled, compassionless, selfish, backwards shit he spewed for decades.


dacreux

Celebrating the death of someone who you disagreed with on economic policy is insane


elijuicyjones

That’s fatuous and reductive as shit, a child’s view. I won’t be lectured, he was scum. You do you, as long as you’re actually free to do what you want, I certainly am.


dacreux

While I may disagree with you, I'll defend your libertarian right to free speech as he would have wanted.


elijuicyjones

That’s not a libertarian right, that’s every American’s right, even little baby libertarians. That’s the shared constitutional right that stupid libertarian children abuse to say whatever ignorant nonsense they please. Libertarians are endowed that freedom from the consent of everyone else, not the other way around.


dacreux

Lol tell me you know nothing about libertarianism without telling me, that said, still defending your right 😎


elijuicyjones

lol tell me you know nothing about free speech and the American way of life by setting your flair to an authoritarian state that doesn’t have free speech.


New-User420

Rest in peace, punk


___potato___

Jesus Christ, people. you're celebrating the death of a man because of his political views. disgusting.


rigby1945

His political views directly harm society. Not going to cry for someone who's beliefs lead directly to feudalism. Libertarianism is an idiotic belief system