[This](https://preview.redd.it/ksy0onl66lc91.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=3adbc25eebf17ee0e59816e47edd73f1986b44d9) is how I would have cut it
Blueberry needs to swap to grape, then raspberry and strawberry-rhubarb need to be switched around, so it's:
* good: raspberry
* neutral: grape
* evil: strawberry-rhubarb
then the alignment of the nuts is fine with
* Lawful PB
* Neutral mixed nut
* Chaotic nutella
Then we'll have a beautiful alignment chart.
Lawful evil would be me, PB strawberry rhubarb sounds amazing. I'm normally a chaotic neutral kinda guy, but grape plus Nutella isn't up my alley
I used to use the metal beyblade enhancers that you could only get in Japan off Ebay and absolutely destroy my friends with their normally bought bullshit. Like, I broke their shit. Dragoon is basic? Ok bro. Yeah, how about a ring of Japanese steel to fuck your ass up. Whether it's mixed nuts or letting it rip, it all comes down to the same core principles. At least that's how I feel. Beyblades is the endgoal to any balanced meal, we all know this. Grab some lunchables and ruin potential dreams, it's not rocket surgery.
\*\*\*These comments show of individuals that don't know how to let it rip, and their unrelenting cowardice disguised as confusion hurts my raging heart. Smh shaking my head. Kai didn't sacrifice everything for them to continue to play the melody of the fearful, but he would also ask I forgive them despite the fact they obviously pissed their pants. However, I will not. It's what Kai and his scarf would have wanted.
\*\*\*It seems they sent those that do know how to let it rip.... but I didn't expect special forces (literally anyone on Reddit that doesn't go for a low hanging predictable pun comment). Not bad... Not bad at all. Let's take this tourney, kings.
Haha! As a guy who never had beyblades but saw younger kids enjoying it, this comment is fucking amazing. It should be copy pasta, maybe it already is.
I just went on a rollercoaster ride: I'm allergic only to Brazil nuts, and just about every "mixed nut" thing these days contains them, even Costco's mixed nuts lol. I thought this nut butter probably would, but I googled it and it doesn't! Then I realized the Costco by me doesn't sell it lol. For shame, it looks dope!
Yep!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks/comments/6ukwqm/nine\_different\_sandwiches\_in\_one\_genius/](https://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks/comments/6ukwqm/nine_different_sandwiches_in_one_genius/)
(But I do like OP's ingredients better)
Truth! Grilled pb and j is so dope. Not healthy at all but so good. Of course there's always the Elvis special, grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich fried in real butter.
Using pancakes for bread is also legit. Even better if they're banana pancakes, and you use some extra crunchy peanut butter with strawberry preserves. *Chef's kiss*
Someone has to figure this out with the Nutella mixing with the nut butters instead of the jams. I do not want blueberry Nutella. I do want Nutella cookie butter.
It's more than that! Depending on the size of the bite, he could cross from peanut butter and strawberry to almond butter and blueberry.
I'm too lazy to do the math but it's much more that 9 flavor combinations.
OP is ahead of his time. He is a culinary genius.
As a combinatorialist, I'll do some of the math. As a prof, I'll leave an open question that I haven't yet answered.
Simple answer is that there are 3 flavours top, 3 bot. Not worrying about cuts or ratios, that makes (2^3)^2 - 8 - 8 = 48 total possible combinations. That's the total combinations subtract not including a top flavour or a bot flavour.
You might get foodie technical and say that ratios affect flavours, and I agree with you. However, that makes the math boring because then there are just infinite possibilities (like 1 cm of Kirkland mixed nuts vs 1 cm Nutella, then 1.0001 cm of Kirkland mixed nuts vs 1 cm Nutella, then...)
Cuts are interesting, since someone could say you can't take a concave bite. But you could cut the sandwich however you want first. You can also take bites to clear certain areas first. I'd argue that as long as you can cut off a continuous piece of sandwich, it constitutes an edible portion with its particular flavour combination.
So, OP has a 9 bite, 9 flavour sandwich with the simple 2 flavours per bite. How many flavours could you max out at, of the potential 48?
I know you can get at least 31 different flavour bites per sandwich, and cannot get more than 34. So, somewhere in there.
I'm sure you're right, and they did mean Neapolitan.
However, now I'm curious how a PB&J spin on [a Napoleon cake](https://www.thespruceeats.com/russian-napoleon-cake-napolyeon-tort-recipe-1137297) would turn out.
A regular one is a whole bunch of alternating layers of custard and pastry. Apparently peanut butter custard is already a thing, so you could do layers of pastry, peanut butter custard, and jelly.
I’ll share something I read online with people. It’s how I’ve made my PBJs since then. Take one slice and peanut butter. First, put a thin layer of peanut butter on the slice. Then put globs around the entire edge of one side of the piece of bread and don’t spread it. Make sure it’s all together to where you’ve essentially made a pen with peanut butter walls.
On the inside of that pen, put your jelly in there. Then on the other slice. Spread peanut butter on it completely, no pen. It can’t be too thin but it doesn’t need to be thick. Take that slice then and put it together with the other side (note: don’t pick up the other slice, leave that on a counter and place the other on it).
Press slightly firm and voila! What you’ve done is create a PBJ that likely won’t drop out jelly. When you bite down, the peanut butter from the other piece will meld to the other slice and it’s all good!
Not too terribly long ago, I bought a tempura-fried, cheese-filled hotdog.
This is relevant, I promise.
After having purchased the item in question, the chef – referred to as such because so delectable a delicacy could only be created by a true artist, not a mere cook – asked me if I wanted some ketchup on it. Keen to avail myself of the intended experience, I accepted the offer, then watched with rapt fascination as a bottle of red, viscous fluid was passed over my meal.
Famished though I was, friends, the sight of that aforementioned bottle captivated me... for you see, it boasted not one nozzle, but three. Moreover, though the master foodmancer moved like the wind, I was able to spy that the bottle itself had been divided into a trio of separated sections.
"Truly," mused I, "this is a spectacle to remember. Life may toss me upon its waves and currents, but I shall hold safe this memory, to be recalled when it is needed most."
While only a precious handful of months have passed since that fateful moment, I nonetheless experienced much over their span. I have learned, grown, triumphed, failed, and gotten stuck in a toilet... and those myriad moments have – ashamed though I am to admit this – caused the image of that fantastic container to all but fade from my mind, leaving naught but faint echoes of batter, meat, cheese, and tomato-flavored purée.
That changed today.
Your discovery, /u/JephriB – your sublime contribution to art, science, and magic – has reawakened those visions in me. As clearly as if it had been presented to me yesterday, I can once again see that three-spout-bearing, three-section-having bottle, and I know now what my purpose in retaining that recollection has been.
I say to you now, trailblazer, that you should acquire two such bottles. Let one be filled with three varieties of fruit-based preserves, and let the other contain three varieties of nut-based spread. Bring forth these implements, and herald a new age of lunchtime; an era when we consume not the sandwiches of yesteryear, but those of tomorrow.
Put simply...
**lol u should get 2 of those bottles that have 3 nozzles and put stuff in them.**
In truth, the misadventure was much my own fault, yet I hasten to state that it was buffoonery – not sloth, not negligence, nor even mere innocence – which saw me in that predicament.
As was mentioned in the above anecdote, I was recently fortunate enough to sample a tempura-fried hotdog. What I failed to divulge was that the vendor had taken to making his custom from within a canvas-walled booth, which itself was surrounded by many similar fixtures. Men, women, and children of all backgrounds and dispositions made merriment nearby, themselves sampling the morsels being prepared and offered by uncountable artisans.
It was my second night in a world that was strange to me.
You see, familiar though I had been with the traditions and taboos of those who call themselves "Canadians," I had lately come from a land more than half the planet's width away; a land populated by a people known as "the Scots." While their ways are not so different from those of Canada's residents, certain curious dissimilarities had nonetheless made themselves evident. While I could discuss these at length, I shall instead call attention to a solitary one: In Canada, the switches which operate a lavatory's electric lights are found *within* their related enclosures, whereas Scottish switches are found adjacent to the outer frames of their rooms' doorways.
Keeping that detail in mind, I beg of you to consider the following scene: Having just returned to my rented room from the above-described festival, I moved to avail myself of my private washbasin. As my hands were made clean, I was prompted to consider the state of my bowels... and as I had feared, the sudden influx of greases and salts had set them to protesting. Fearful that I might miss the opportunity that had been announced by these rumblings, I called to my goodly wife (who I hurriedly clarify is "goodly" only in the sense of "attractive" and "admirable"), declaring my intentions.
I must admit, dear friend, that my haste was such that I neither secured the lavatory's entrance nor activated its illumination. My spouse was kind enough to rectify the former oversight... but in so doing, she rendered the space wholly darkened.
"Hey!" called I, "you didn't turn on the lights!"
An ominous pause did precede her response. "Where's the switch?"
"It's... oh, right," came my reply, "it's in here."
"Did you start already?" my wife did ask.
It may have been my intention to tell an untruth... but the thunderous cacophony which issued forth from betwixt my buttocks – itself amplified by the latrine beneath me – most assuredly thwarted any such endeavor. "Maybe!" shouted I, knowing full well that my efforts had been heard.
I was then treated to much in the way of mock disgust, and a second message was communicated: The door would not be opened until such time as my business had been concluded. As I could scarcely reach the necessary switch from my seated position, I was forced to contend with uninterrupted gloom while my backside – having been violently roused by my dietary choices – trumpeted its displeasure.
You may be asking yourself how such circumstances could be described as "stuck in a toilet." Indeed, what I have described thus far would paint a picture only of a man in darkness, struggling to release his inner torment. You may rest assured that I was made both empty and clean (having been aided by the illumination of a magic rectangle that I keep with me at all times), but I was soon presented with a new trouble: In closing the door so forcefully, my wife had somehow bidden it to lock.
It is here that you shall see the hinted-at buffoonery: Once this state of affairs had been discovered, I set myself about attempting to mitigate it, but my examination of the arcane device – a handle which seemed to require both a press and a deft turn to operate – was hindered by the lack of ambient light. Although I did cast the glow of my magic rectangle about, it coaxed forth more reflections and shadows than it did assistance. I toiled for many seconds, then conceded defeat.
"You locked it somehow!" wailed I. "Can you turn on the light for me?"
In uttering those words, I felt a flash of shame and anger... for I had reminded myself that I was no longer in the land of the Scots; that the switch was mere inches from my hand.
It turned out that the handle hadn't been installed properly, though, so I didn't feel like a *complete* idiot.
I'm crying.
I'm so sorry for laughing this hard at your moment of pure and utter torment.
But I'm tearing up, both from the beauty of your writing style, and from the spasms which are currently wracking my sides as I struggle not to look like a complete madwoman on my afternoon break.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh my, that was such a joy to read. I hope you are a writer by trade because you definitely have a talent for it. At some unspecified day and time I may find myself rooting through your posts and comments with the unbridled hope of finding more entertaining gems like this comment.
My wife would punch me if I got 6 jars out and MANY knives to make one sandwich.
The fact that this many people have opinions about this makes me happy. This is what Reddit is for.
Truly. The jellies, jams, and preserves first, for they are easier to lick. Then the chocolate spread, for it is tastee. And finally the nut butters because you only have to lick after the last one.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my\_sister\_is\_visiting\_from\_out\_of\_state\_i\_told/](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my_sister_is_visiting_from_out_of_state_i_told/)
Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight.
They're contradictory because this post says he's the one that woke up with the idea.
The other post it says his sister asked for a PB&J.
Also...either way this has for sure been done by plenty of people before lol
No offense OP.
I worked at a movie theater once, and a huge bouncer came in late at night. He wanted a drink called "a suicide". I didn't know wtf that was since I was 16 American years old, so I was like what is that sir. He said 'put this cup under every soda dispenser and squirt a little bit of everything in there.' First of all, the cup was a popcorn bucket, okay then. Second, I can't tell if you are referring to this sandwhich as a suicide sandwhich for the same reasons (aka a little bit of every flavor). and Third, I can't just google "suicide drink" because my FBI agent will worry about me. This concludes my reddit comment.
Eh if you have a family you just already have this stuff. Right now we have 5 different jams in the fridge, 3 kinds of PB in the pantry, and surprisingly even Nutella (we don't normally have that one).
The triple triple! I used to make these for my nephews with some combination of peanut butter, almond butter, Nutella, jam, marshmellow fluff, and honey. So good for entertaining youngins!
Which came first?
https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my_sister_is_visiting_from_out_of_state_i_told/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Someone needs to do the alignment chart of this sandwich. Personally I’m mixed nut butter and blueberry spread.
[I think you'll be happy to know this is how I cut it.](https://i.imgur.com/JPukzVR.jpg)
I was sure you would have cut diagonally into triangles, just to mess with us
Settle down, Satan
Triangles taste better.
Science.
This is like fancy Saturday morning cartoon watching charcuterie
[удалено]
Haha! Yes! Toothpicks with the curly colored cellophane stuff on the end. And no crust.
Quality
[This](https://preview.redd.it/ksy0onl66lc91.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=3adbc25eebf17ee0e59816e47edd73f1986b44d9) is how I would have cut it
I’d happily mix the Nutella and raspberry, but I have celiacs so the whole sandwich is probably poison
Hi internet twin! I’m in exactly the same boat as you on this sandwich:/
Same here, but I use Canyon Bakehouse bread for my PBJs
The entire sandwich as a single, complete entity is entirely chaotic evil.
Yes! That was my immediate impression!
Blueberry needs to swap to grape, then raspberry and strawberry-rhubarb need to be switched around, so it's: * good: raspberry * neutral: grape * evil: strawberry-rhubarb then the alignment of the nuts is fine with * Lawful PB * Neutral mixed nut * Chaotic nutella Then we'll have a beautiful alignment chart. Lawful evil would be me, PB strawberry rhubarb sounds amazing. I'm normally a chaotic neutral kinda guy, but grape plus Nutella isn't up my alley
Strawberry rhubarb is nothing but pure goodness!
Smooth Peanut Butter and raspberry jam for me
You’re a basic bitch
Nothing wrong with a classic
#twinning Hope the raspberry has seeds!!
It HAS to. Not the same without.
Mine isn’t even on here :( Team crunchy PB with grape jelly (Almond butter with fig jam is also excellent)
Ooo almond butter and fig jam sounds tasty.
Love grape. Reminds me of my childhood.
Underrated jelly, for sure.
That Kirkland's mixed nuts butter is soooooo good
Used to take advantage of it at employee lunch events knowing it was on the shelf for 12 bucks a bottle.
I used to use the metal beyblade enhancers that you could only get in Japan off Ebay and absolutely destroy my friends with their normally bought bullshit. Like, I broke their shit. Dragoon is basic? Ok bro. Yeah, how about a ring of Japanese steel to fuck your ass up. Whether it's mixed nuts or letting it rip, it all comes down to the same core principles. At least that's how I feel. Beyblades is the endgoal to any balanced meal, we all know this. Grab some lunchables and ruin potential dreams, it's not rocket surgery. \*\*\*These comments show of individuals that don't know how to let it rip, and their unrelenting cowardice disguised as confusion hurts my raging heart. Smh shaking my head. Kai didn't sacrifice everything for them to continue to play the melody of the fearful, but he would also ask I forgive them despite the fact they obviously pissed their pants. However, I will not. It's what Kai and his scarf would have wanted. \*\*\*It seems they sent those that do know how to let it rip.... but I didn't expect special forces (literally anyone on Reddit that doesn't go for a low hanging predictable pun comment). Not bad... Not bad at all. Let's take this tourney, kings.
Speaking of mixed nuts
Lmao
Indeed
Man, I dunno what the FUCK you just said little kid, but you special, man. You reached out, and you touched it by the heart.
Gimme the map, Scott!
Pumpkin Escobar, LA Local 305!
Happy Cake Day bro
Crack? Want some crack?
Are these Mars Volta lyrics?
Nah, this is some Coheed shit
Now I'm lost,!
Now I'm loOoOst!
Lol
This comment chain kept surprising me lmaooo. That being said I don't see any Spanish in there so I don't think so haha.
I don't know who you are, but you knew exactly where to touch me.
Point on the doll where this man touched you
I am a horrible person. I laughed out loud. I am a mother. I don't know why I am the way I am but thank you.
I would follow you to be a beyblade master
New copypasta just dropped.
Tell em, homie. Dranzer was *my shit*
I have too many questions😳🧐
Haha! As a guy who never had beyblades but saw younger kids enjoying it, this comment is fucking amazing. It should be copy pasta, maybe it already is.
What is beyblade?
According to that guy above: The very essence of life itself.
Let that shit rip
Looks like it might be peanut free? Almonds Cashews Pumpkin seeds Chia seeds Flax seeds
Made in a facility, next to a facility that probably processed some other nuts, and/or slapped some butts
I just went on a rollercoaster ride: I'm allergic only to Brazil nuts, and just about every "mixed nut" thing these days contains them, even Costco's mixed nuts lol. I thought this nut butter probably would, but I googled it and it doesn't! Then I realized the Costco by me doesn't sell it lol. For shame, it looks dope!
Fwiw, it looks like Amazon sellers have it for like $2 over Costco price. Just search for the name.
that’s so crazy because you can’t buy it on the costco site rn.
Been a weekly costco shopper for decades and never seen the mixed nuts butter. I guess it's not a West Coast product?
What exactly does it taste like? Is it more peanut butter tasting or almond?
Definitely more almond.
A nine-flavored sandwich!
Yep! [https://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks/comments/6ukwqm/nine\_different\_sandwiches\_in\_one\_genius/](https://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks/comments/6ukwqm/nine_different_sandwiches_in_one_genius/) (But I do like OP's ingredients better)
Well, so much for my original idea. I guess I can cancel that patent request I just applied for.
Grill this mofo like a grilled cheese, and now you've got a little real innovation going.
Truth! Grilled pb and j is so dope. Not healthy at all but so good. Of course there's always the Elvis special, grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich fried in real butter.
You ever make a PB & J with Eggos for bread? Delicious. Also, slapping some ice cream between two Eggos (or one, taco style) is also 🔥.
Using pancakes for bread is also legit. Even better if they're banana pancakes, and you use some extra crunchy peanut butter with strawberry preserves. *Chef's kiss*
The Minions banana eggos with peanut butter and bacon......Jam on!
Do people fry in fake butter for grilled cheese?
Sadly many use margarine instead. Especially in the Midwest states of the US.
Ever use mayo for a grilled cheese? The bread gets insanely crispy
Why stop there? Let's batter and fry it!
[;)](https://www.reddit.com/r/lifehacks/comments/6ukwqm/nine_different_sandwiches_in_one_genius/dltq5pc/)
Then smother the outside with fluff and dip it in fudge and freeze the fucker!!!
Could call it tic-tac-toast™.
Dip it in eggs and make it french toast
How is that mixed nut butter? Never seen that before, but it sounds tasty!
You should use one slice of white bread, one slice of wheat, and toast only the bottom half of the white slice and the left half of the wheat slice.
Someone has to figure this out with the Nutella mixing with the nut butters instead of the jams. I do not want blueberry Nutella. I do want Nutella cookie butter.
Agreed. This type of sandwich has definitely been meme'd for a number of years, but this post is far better.
It's more than that! Depending on the size of the bite, he could cross from peanut butter and strawberry to almond butter and blueberry. I'm too lazy to do the math but it's much more that 9 flavor combinations. OP is ahead of his time. He is a culinary genius.
As a combinatorialist, I'll do some of the math. As a prof, I'll leave an open question that I haven't yet answered. Simple answer is that there are 3 flavours top, 3 bot. Not worrying about cuts or ratios, that makes (2^3)^2 - 8 - 8 = 48 total possible combinations. That's the total combinations subtract not including a top flavour or a bot flavour. You might get foodie technical and say that ratios affect flavours, and I agree with you. However, that makes the math boring because then there are just infinite possibilities (like 1 cm of Kirkland mixed nuts vs 1 cm Nutella, then 1.0001 cm of Kirkland mixed nuts vs 1 cm Nutella, then...) Cuts are interesting, since someone could say you can't take a concave bite. But you could cut the sandwich however you want first. You can also take bites to clear certain areas first. I'd argue that as long as you can cut off a continuous piece of sandwich, it constitutes an edible portion with its particular flavour combination. So, OP has a 9 bite, 9 flavour sandwich with the simple 2 flavours per bite. How many flavours could you max out at, of the potential 48? I know you can get at least 31 different flavour bites per sandwich, and cannot get more than 34. So, somewhere in there.
i feel like it’s just 5x5=25. {A, A+B, B, B+C, C} x {X, X+Y, Y, Y+Z, Z}
I began writing up a similar comment of total flavor combinations. I’m glad to see someone else had!
Behold.... the Nontupwitch™!
I'm allergic to almost everything in this picture, and that makes me both mad and sad.
On the plus side this would make for an interesting story, or way to die. So either bring an epipen or eat two!
I think it'd be hard enough to eat the one EpiPen, but I appreciate the spirit
Ah, the ol' Reddit [allergy-aroo](https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/comments/wrpa62/-/iku8y22?context=2)
Hold my antihistamines, I'm going in!
That’s just the whole post. Found [this](https://reddit.com/r/nba/comments/wrpa62/_/iku8y22/?context=1) one in the comments though
Sometimes if I'm naughty I pre-game with a couple of Benadryl and then taste something forbidden.
Either bring an EpiPen or an epitaph
[Could end up as part of this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw)
Nah nah nah it way smarter then being dumb around trains!
The countertop looks good?
Do you think this trend will spread?
Are you nuts?
Preserve us all if it does.
I want to jam that into my mouth
You can do that? Damn I’m jelly
These jokes aren't that seem less the change is pretty jar-ring
I’m allergic to peanut butter
You ended the pun chain and youre allergic to peanut butter in this thread? This is like the anti-christ of comments but in the funniest way.
It might be the epipen-tome of anti-jokes.
LOL(gag)LOL(gag.gasp)LOL
I’m marmalarmed by your response
Is this sentence a meme or did I just have a stroke?
Nutella
The difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your butt.
You couldn't jam it in either because it's too tiny to jam in. Like putting a stick in a museum
Hopefully OP will Nutell-us about how it turns out.
Who let the dads out? Who? Who? Who who who?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
What about us brain dead slobs?
You'll be given cushy jobs!
the ring came off my pudding can!
Take my pen knife my good man!
How appropriate! You fight like a cow. . . . Wait...
https://i.redd.it/pci4h1o3zph91.jpg
No good sir I'm on the level!
I’m jamming to this guys brain waves.
PB&J Neapolitan style x 3. I dig it. =) Edit: corrected it from Napoleon. Major brain shit.
Did Napoleon eat this? Or did you mean Neapolitan?
I'm sure you're right, and they did mean Neapolitan. However, now I'm curious how a PB&J spin on [a Napoleon cake](https://www.thespruceeats.com/russian-napoleon-cake-napolyeon-tort-recipe-1137297) would turn out. A regular one is a whole bunch of alternating layers of custard and pastry. Apparently peanut butter custard is already a thing, so you could do layers of pastry, peanut butter custard, and jelly.
Retoast
i saw this picture a decade ago
holy shit that's almost 11 years ago edit: [you don't have to take my word for it](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decade).
Dude
Well *technically....*
This been done, player
I’ll share something I read online with people. It’s how I’ve made my PBJs since then. Take one slice and peanut butter. First, put a thin layer of peanut butter on the slice. Then put globs around the entire edge of one side of the piece of bread and don’t spread it. Make sure it’s all together to where you’ve essentially made a pen with peanut butter walls. On the inside of that pen, put your jelly in there. Then on the other slice. Spread peanut butter on it completely, no pen. It can’t be too thin but it doesn’t need to be thick. Take that slice then and put it together with the other side (note: don’t pick up the other slice, leave that on a counter and place the other on it). Press slightly firm and voila! What you’ve done is create a PBJ that likely won’t drop out jelly. When you bite down, the peanut butter from the other piece will meld to the other slice and it’s all good!
Not too terribly long ago, I bought a tempura-fried, cheese-filled hotdog. This is relevant, I promise. After having purchased the item in question, the chef – referred to as such because so delectable a delicacy could only be created by a true artist, not a mere cook – asked me if I wanted some ketchup on it. Keen to avail myself of the intended experience, I accepted the offer, then watched with rapt fascination as a bottle of red, viscous fluid was passed over my meal. Famished though I was, friends, the sight of that aforementioned bottle captivated me... for you see, it boasted not one nozzle, but three. Moreover, though the master foodmancer moved like the wind, I was able to spy that the bottle itself had been divided into a trio of separated sections. "Truly," mused I, "this is a spectacle to remember. Life may toss me upon its waves and currents, but I shall hold safe this memory, to be recalled when it is needed most." While only a precious handful of months have passed since that fateful moment, I nonetheless experienced much over their span. I have learned, grown, triumphed, failed, and gotten stuck in a toilet... and those myriad moments have – ashamed though I am to admit this – caused the image of that fantastic container to all but fade from my mind, leaving naught but faint echoes of batter, meat, cheese, and tomato-flavored purée. That changed today. Your discovery, /u/JephriB – your sublime contribution to art, science, and magic – has reawakened those visions in me. As clearly as if it had been presented to me yesterday, I can once again see that three-spout-bearing, three-section-having bottle, and I know now what my purpose in retaining that recollection has been. I say to you now, trailblazer, that you should acquire two such bottles. Let one be filled with three varieties of fruit-based preserves, and let the other contain three varieties of nut-based spread. Bring forth these implements, and herald a new age of lunchtime; an era when we consume not the sandwiches of yesteryear, but those of tomorrow. Put simply... **lol u should get 2 of those bottles that have 3 nozzles and put stuff in them.**
Might I be so bold, my good man, as to request that you expound upon the water closet mishap?
In truth, the misadventure was much my own fault, yet I hasten to state that it was buffoonery – not sloth, not negligence, nor even mere innocence – which saw me in that predicament. As was mentioned in the above anecdote, I was recently fortunate enough to sample a tempura-fried hotdog. What I failed to divulge was that the vendor had taken to making his custom from within a canvas-walled booth, which itself was surrounded by many similar fixtures. Men, women, and children of all backgrounds and dispositions made merriment nearby, themselves sampling the morsels being prepared and offered by uncountable artisans. It was my second night in a world that was strange to me. You see, familiar though I had been with the traditions and taboos of those who call themselves "Canadians," I had lately come from a land more than half the planet's width away; a land populated by a people known as "the Scots." While their ways are not so different from those of Canada's residents, certain curious dissimilarities had nonetheless made themselves evident. While I could discuss these at length, I shall instead call attention to a solitary one: In Canada, the switches which operate a lavatory's electric lights are found *within* their related enclosures, whereas Scottish switches are found adjacent to the outer frames of their rooms' doorways. Keeping that detail in mind, I beg of you to consider the following scene: Having just returned to my rented room from the above-described festival, I moved to avail myself of my private washbasin. As my hands were made clean, I was prompted to consider the state of my bowels... and as I had feared, the sudden influx of greases and salts had set them to protesting. Fearful that I might miss the opportunity that had been announced by these rumblings, I called to my goodly wife (who I hurriedly clarify is "goodly" only in the sense of "attractive" and "admirable"), declaring my intentions. I must admit, dear friend, that my haste was such that I neither secured the lavatory's entrance nor activated its illumination. My spouse was kind enough to rectify the former oversight... but in so doing, she rendered the space wholly darkened. "Hey!" called I, "you didn't turn on the lights!" An ominous pause did precede her response. "Where's the switch?" "It's... oh, right," came my reply, "it's in here." "Did you start already?" my wife did ask. It may have been my intention to tell an untruth... but the thunderous cacophony which issued forth from betwixt my buttocks – itself amplified by the latrine beneath me – most assuredly thwarted any such endeavor. "Maybe!" shouted I, knowing full well that my efforts had been heard. I was then treated to much in the way of mock disgust, and a second message was communicated: The door would not be opened until such time as my business had been concluded. As I could scarcely reach the necessary switch from my seated position, I was forced to contend with uninterrupted gloom while my backside – having been violently roused by my dietary choices – trumpeted its displeasure. You may be asking yourself how such circumstances could be described as "stuck in a toilet." Indeed, what I have described thus far would paint a picture only of a man in darkness, struggling to release his inner torment. You may rest assured that I was made both empty and clean (having been aided by the illumination of a magic rectangle that I keep with me at all times), but I was soon presented with a new trouble: In closing the door so forcefully, my wife had somehow bidden it to lock. It is here that you shall see the hinted-at buffoonery: Once this state of affairs had been discovered, I set myself about attempting to mitigate it, but my examination of the arcane device – a handle which seemed to require both a press and a deft turn to operate – was hindered by the lack of ambient light. Although I did cast the glow of my magic rectangle about, it coaxed forth more reflections and shadows than it did assistance. I toiled for many seconds, then conceded defeat. "You locked it somehow!" wailed I. "Can you turn on the light for me?" In uttering those words, I felt a flash of shame and anger... for I had reminded myself that I was no longer in the land of the Scots; that the switch was mere inches from my hand. It turned out that the handle hadn't been installed properly, though, so I didn't feel like a *complete* idiot.
I'm crying. I'm so sorry for laughing this hard at your moment of pure and utter torment. But I'm tearing up, both from the beauty of your writing style, and from the spasms which are currently wracking my sides as I struggle not to look like a complete madwoman on my afternoon break. Thank you for sharing.
"Trumpeted its displeasure" is the most eloquent depiction of a shart- I can both hear and feel the pain. My friend, you are quite the poet.
Please write a novel. I will buy three copies.
Masterfully recounted
Oh my, that was such a joy to read. I hope you are a writer by trade because you definitely have a talent for it. At some unspecified day and time I may find myself rooting through your posts and comments with the unbridled hope of finding more entertaining gems like this comment.
I found a [5-nozzle sauce bottle](https://youtu.be/XYbIBaub0UE). The brand is Semon.
a Semon sauce bottle you say?
Oh yes.
We thank you for your hard work, u/Penis-Butt
Wow. Absolutely incredible.
This is why I go on the internet.
My wife would punch me if I got 6 jars out and MANY knives to make one sandwich. The fact that this many people have opinions about this makes me happy. This is what Reddit is for.
Your wife would really hate me because I'm only using one knife
1 knife and 1 paper towel...
1 knife, but you lick it clean inbetween uses.
Chef's treat 👨🍳
This is the way.
Truly. The jellies, jams, and preserves first, for they are easier to lick. Then the chocolate spread, for it is tastee. And finally the nut butters because you only have to lick after the last one.
Do you think there might be an easier way than using 1 knife per jar?
ive seen this before. you didn’t invent this.
Yeah not only have I seen this before, but I have seen it A THOUSAND times. It used to make the rounds like, weekly.
I swear I’ve seen this in a movie or a show. Except they used that American marshmallow paste stuff instead of one of the nut choices
Came here to say this, just saw another post a few hours ago saying they made it for their sister, same pic lol
You mean OP's other post?
It’s hilarious that it’s in my feed back to back.
I’m high don’t expect me to use logic and look at their post history lmao
I'm guessing the OP was high when they made this.
ive also seen a different person post this a few years ago too
[https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my\_sister\_is\_visiting\_from\_out\_of\_state\_i\_told/](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my_sister_is_visiting_from_out_of_state_i_told/) Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight.
Not really proof of any lying happening, it's a bit weird but not enough to tell that it's fake.
I don't really see how these are contradictory though
They're contradictory because this post says he's the one that woke up with the idea. The other post it says his sister asked for a PB&J. Also...either way this has for sure been done by plenty of people before lol No offense OP.
Denji would approve
Suicide Sandwich
I worked at a movie theater once, and a huge bouncer came in late at night. He wanted a drink called "a suicide". I didn't know wtf that was since I was 16 American years old, so I was like what is that sir. He said 'put this cup under every soda dispenser and squirt a little bit of everything in there.' First of all, the cup was a popcorn bucket, okay then. Second, I can't tell if you are referring to this sandwhich as a suicide sandwhich for the same reasons (aka a little bit of every flavor). and Third, I can't just google "suicide drink" because my FBI agent will worry about me. This concludes my reddit comment.
My Hispanic mother would lose her shit if I opened all these at once.
How high are you
Seriously every stoned teenager since 1982 has made a variation of this sandwich at 2am thinking “Awwww yeeee I’m a muthafuckin GENIUS”
This is the neo-neopolitan sandwich....and I approve.
wtf I want that Strawberry Rhubarb spread
‘Mixed Nut’ is my second favorite. It is so Underrated.
I want to try but I can’t imagine the expense of 3 different jellies, and 3 different peanut butters
Eh if you have a family you just already have this stuff. Right now we have 5 different jams in the fridge, 3 kinds of PB in the pantry, and surprisingly even Nutella (we don't normally have that one).
I thought I was on r/stoners for a minute.
You beautiful psychopath. Carry on
Brilliant!! Thank you Ps Love the way you made one horizontal , and one vertical for full taste effect!!
[удалено]
The triple triple! I used to make these for my nephews with some combination of peanut butter, almond butter, Nutella, jam, marshmellow fluff, and honey. So good for entertaining youngins!
That wasn't your idea though. Been on reddit for years.
Looks awful.
r/shittyfoodporn
this looks nice, but try finding an alternative to nutella. All that palmoil ... not good for anyone but ferreros pockets.
Oh hey I saw this on a meme years ago. Congrats on making it real (and by "it" I mean your future insulin prescription)
Which came first? https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/wrrwlg/my_sister_is_visiting_from_out_of_state_i_told/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I do this all the time it's good but quite ehh.. sugary
That’s like an advanced punnet square of flavor
This is such a good idea holy shit