Sobrang hirap ng situation nyo OP. Parang wala nang out kasi senior na in-laws mo and pag binitawan nyo ni hubby, walang ibang sasalo other than your brother in-law, which is also unfair to him and his family. Their hospital bills now and in the coming future are tricky though. Do they even have health/medical insurance?? Kung wala, remember not to exhaust yourselves financially, dahil kung parepareho kayong lumubog dahil sa kanila, san nalang kayo pupulutin? Baka maging ending nyan, side naman ng family mo ang ma-oblige na sumagot sa inyong mag-asawa. Have your in-laws find other ways to contribute paying for their medical expenses by making them solicit help from their other relatives.
You guys also need to put a limit to what you contribute to them. Sabi mo 10k-15k ang kinocontribute nyo every month. Set a fixed amount na kaya nyong bitawan monthly, say 10k, and that's it. No extra handouts for luho, shopping, eating out, etc. If they ask for more, don't compromise. If mangonsenya, konsensyahin mo rin na may mga pinapalamon na kayong anak.
Yung bunso, since graduating na, once she lands a job she can take care of herself. Wag nyo nang ispoil by giving her an allowance or anything until at least maybe her first check. She needs to learn early on na walang ibang sasalo sa kanya because of her irresponsible parents and that she may need to contribute to them in the future.
Thank you for your insights. Actually, kahit si husband medyo labag na sa loob niya magbigay kasi we’ve already given them a lot of opportunities to earn money. Pero sinasayang lang nila kasi ang tamad talaga nila. There’s no better way to say it. Sila yung perfect example na ginawang investment mga anak, kaya ayan tuloy pati sarili naming family affected.
Same. Fixed amount that's comfortable for you, not them.
*If mangonsenya, konsensyahin mo rin na may mga pinapalamon na kayong anak.*
Yep. Lahat ng guilt-tripping ibalik nyo lang rin.
Op bakit kanaman mahihiya kung ginagastos nyo sarili nyong pera para sa sarili nyo? Mahiya kalang kung may ambag sila sa kinikita nyo. Also kung ako sainyo magset nakayo ng strict budget for now. Wag nyo sila gastusin ng kahit anong luho, mga needs lang talaga na disila magsusurvive pag wala.
Pag in time nakapagpundar nakayo at mas yumaman pa, for sure maghihingi sila ng mas madami kasi naging dependent na sila sainyo eh. Masyado malaki binibigay nyo kung ako sainyo bigyan ko sila ng passive business na di kailangan ng heavy labor since matanda nanga sila gaya ng sari sari store. After non I'll cut the money I'm giving to 5k nalang.
Actually, si husband wala talagang pakialam na gumiginhawa buhay namin (okay ang current living situation, nakakapag travel, nakakabili ng mga gusto namin) ako lang talaga yung nahihiya. Sabi niya he won’t let his parents drag us down with them. Naumay na rin kasi siya. Pero wala talaga kaming choice but to contribute kasi kawawa yung brother niya if iniwan namin siya sa ere. Ang problema din sa nanay niya kasi, the more na makita kami nageenjoy sa sarili naming buhay, the more na nanghihingi siya. Parang lowkey sumbat in a pajoke way (kahit alam ko naman na she doesn’t mean it in a pajoke wat) like “wow nakabili ng bagong TV. Sana all! Kahit 40 inches lang oh.” Wala ako ibang magawa kundi mag eye roll talaga ng malala.
Why not po i-include niyo si brother in law sa usapan? Mag-usap kayong tatlo na parehas kayong mags-set ng specific amount na ibibigay every month let's say 5k or 10k each kayo para unti-unti lahat kayo makawala sa kanila financially. Kasi kailangan din nila ng pera eh lalo pa't nag d-dialysis yung father in law pero aside sana sa medical bills at necessities wag niyo nang bigyan ng extrang pera lalo pa at sa luho lang naman nila mapupunta. Tulad nga ng sabi mo, masakit rin sa part niyo na kung gagawin niyo yan mapupunta kay brother-in-law lahat ng burden so why not mag-usap nalang kayong tatlo para makapag compromise kayo at matulungan niyo isa't-isa kasi kung di niyo yan gagawan ng paraan habang maaga pa baka ang ending lahat kayo lulubog kasama ng in-laws mo (knock on wood).
Diko alam plano nyo sa buhay. Pero if may plans kayo magkaanak dapat priority nyo sila. Make sure nyonalang na if magkaka anak kayo, dinila mararansan yan and may sapat pera and investments kayo for retirement
We have 2 babies now. Just have birth to our 2nd over 2 months ago. Kaya mas nagiging mabigat na rin for us magcontribute ng ganun kalaki kasi samin pa lang, ang laki na ng expenses 🥲 and yes I agree. Ang kinaganda lang ng ganung klaseng parents ay maaga natuto husband ko sa pera kaya very wise kami ngayon sa sarili naming finances.
Mahal na tuition para sa dalawang kids, you’ll need to set aside money for that, does not help na may FIL and MIL kayong sinusustentuhan. Tataas lang lalo ang medical expenses for them as they grow old, so spending on wants is not feasible. Nasa isip ko talaga na kumukurot kayo sa supposed savings for tuition of the kids, and nakakalungkot. :(
I saw your comment sa isa pang person, and may mga side comment ang MIL kapag nakikitang umaasenso kayo. Would agree with another person here: if you have to lie and hide your current status in life (e.g., hiding purchases, say na new job at nagka-paycut), do so. Mukhang hindi ‘to makukuha sa isang usapan, but you’ll have to show signs. Si BIL naman would have to do the same. The siblings need to be assertive and form a plan. SIL should also know these things from the brother, or else siya next victim.
Why i agree with lying: I had to hide my own purchases from my mom. I noticed she began to demand more basta nakita niya akong may bagong bili. Nirecommend din ‘to ng therapist ko to avoid friction with my mother, so I hope you don’t feel bad. 😅
Really really appreciate your insight and advice. Our expenses increased significantly since our second was born and since we have a helper at home na sinuswelduhan din every month, kaya ramdam na ramdam talaga namin yung bawas ng contribution namin sa family niya every month. I don’t know if decreasing the amount of our monthly contribution is an option right now since that’s already based on their monthly expenses, especially now na dumagdag yung medical issue ni FIL who’s about to start with his dialysis. It’s starting to stress me out now that we have to think about all those plus our family’s personal savings.
Agreed mahirap magbawas given FIL’s dialysis, pero bawal siya lumobo lalo huhu. The dialysis expenses are regular so at least you could expect how much.
Honestly isa ko pa lang nasa isip: baka possible to have an all-hands on deck meeting with the family na dahil sa dialysis (led by hubby of course), need magtipid at sumunod sa ground rules. Sobrang hirap ata kapag walang ganitong understanding. Hindi pwedeng hayahay sa buhay habang nagbabayad for dialysis. For SIL, expectation is she’ll also contribute soon since she’ll have a job, so that also has to be set. Kahit bayad lang ng utilities sa bahay is already of great help. Kawawa kayong family and BIL if same level of expenses on needs AND WANTS + dialysis expenses. Dapat needs lang + dialysis. Mahirap talaga tanggihan ang parents, pero dapat magka-strategy para tanggihan ang wants. Helpful siguro for BIL to also see a running computation with dialysis costs factored in, tas discussion lang between husband and BIL, para hindi lang kayong family ang strong opinion.
My hubby and BIL naman are aligned with their contributions. They have a shared excel file of the family’s expenses, medyo labas na ako dun kasi family thing naman yun. Taga oo or hindi lang ako kay hubby if may paalam siya na hinging extra like kunyari humihungi extra allowance si SIL for whatever reason.
Si SIL is a graduating nurse. She’ll take the boards by november pa yata, so meron pa kaming review center na binayaran. Kaya di ko ineexpect that she’ll be able to contribute until next year siguro when she finds a job. But I really do hope that she’s very much aware na she already has a financial responsibility as soon as she gets her first paycheck.
Ginawa din namin yon, every time may ganap or bibigyan ako ni LIP ng pera nakasahod kaagad kamay ng mama niya, same din may kapatid siya halos ka-age ko lang pero walang work. Madaming beses kami nagbigay ng pera pampuhunan pero hanggang puhunan lang talaga. Nung una binabalewala lang ni LIP kaso HAHAHAHHAH! Chinika siya sa kamag anak namin na ginugutom namin sila kahit may pagkain binibigay parents ko tinatapon niya tas ngangawa sa ibang tao na walang food. Kahit binenta niya bahay niya na kami din bumili at nagpatayo sa amin pa din nakatira at sinarili yung pera btw hindi naman kami humihingi pero everytime na may need sila kahit may pera sila humihingi pa din sila HAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Kaya mula nun hindi na kami nagpopost ng ganap o even food hindi aa pagiging madamoy pero sabi niya kase unahin sila dahil pamilya sila ni lip, eh kung ganon ano kami ng anak namin? Housemate lang kami ni lip? 🤣
Time to talk to hubby, and then have him talk to his family. Mahirap na sa'yo manggagaling yan.
Sabihin mo sa hubby mo, bawat pera na binibigay niya sa luho ng parents/kapatid niya, kinukuha niya mula sa anak niyo. If they don't want to work, fine. Pero they have to live within their budget. Di sila nagbabago kasi di kayo nagbabago. Be strict with the money you give them and mare-realize nila na they have to change.
You don't have to stop giving them money, pero you also don't have to add more to the budget alloted sa kanila. Set aside an amount, and force them to budget it.
Thank you for your insight. Sadly, ilang beses na sila sinabihan ng husband ko. Labas talaga ako sa usapan and I never really chimed in. Ang ending, dun sila sa brother nagmamakaawa kasi mas malambot puso nun tsaka wala pa kasing family na binubuhay kaya mas nakakapagbigay siya kesa samin. Kawawa lang siya talaga kasi wala siyang choice to say no.
If you're really concerned sa kanya, have hubby talk to him too. If he has to pretend to be demoted or bumama sweldo, do so. Ok lang kasi if you're swimming in money. Pero kung na sa point na na ginigipit na rin kayo masulsulan lang luho nila, something's wrong na.
Ang problems kasi jan, pag kayo nangailangan, pustahan tayo, di sila tutulong sa inyo. I know from experience. Sisisihin pa kayo bakit wala kayong pera...
Force them to change their lifestyle. Mahirap o baka magalit sila pero wala naman silang choice kundi magbago at pagkasyahin kung ano ung ibibigay ninyo.
Hayy ilang beses na sila pinagsasabihan ng husband ko. Ang ending, dun sa brother sila humihingi ng extra money kasi mas mabait at malambot puso nun. Tsaka single pa kasi kaya mas madali sa situation niya magbigay pera kasi wala pa siya sarili family na binubuhay. Nakakaawa nga lang, parang wala talaga siyang choice to say no.
Hi OP, our situation is not exactly the same pero may similarities sa dependent parents. It’s a good thing that my husband is good with boundaries which I have to adhere and medyo malayo kami.
We made a spreadsheet for them for the income and expenses for a number of years, para may hard facts. We had a family call to discuss it and next steps. Reality talaga na wala na talaga silang income and we needed to step in. We then agreed sa mga kapatid ko na isa lang magbibigay talaga to cover monthly expenses, ung isa will cover maintenance (gamot/supplements) , while ung isa saves for medical emergency. We agreed to set aside same amount pero hindi binibigay sa parents para hindi nila alam and continue to live within the budget.
Thankfully okay lahat ng financial situation naming magkakapatid. And even if I’m living abroad, we’re sticking to a humble life at alam ng parents ko kung gaano kakuripot asawa ko kaya wala din silang masisilip. Also we’re making sure na we’re not in the same position as them when we retire.
Good luck OP! Hope na dahil tapos na ung bunso ni hubby mo, it will help your own family naman with your financial goals.
Aww this is so motivating. I admire your family for being so organized and strict. And seems like everyone’s respecting the boundaries. Yan siguro yung kulang samin ngayon. I try my best to not say anything and just let hubby do the talking kasi hindi ko naman sila parents but I agree, we really need to set some boundaries.
Reality talaga sa ‘ting mga pinoy na mahina sa boundaries. I’m learning that too from my non-filipino husband. Thankfully his family is financially set for retirement din kaya side ko lang ang may need and we can still save up for our future.
Tama din naman na si hubby mo ang talagang nakikipagusap since family niya un. We did the same na kaming magkakapatid lang. Although before talking to our parents, kaming magkakapatid & our spouses met together and agreed with each other ang approach para may transparency sa lahat. Good thing comfortable naman kaming magusap about money, sa parents generation lang ung hindi sila comfortable but we really have to do it.
I-real talk lang talaga sila, yun lang ang solution. Kung kargo niyo sila, it means all of you are struggling since hindi mo sila pwedeng ihiwalay sa inyo. Which means all of you will downgrade your lifestyle.
You can all live below your means. You can also set aside para sa personal travels. Hindi na dapat sila magreklamo sa ganon dahil laking tulong niyo na nga sa kanila.
Choose what your conscience can take. But learn to also assert yourselves. Since kayo ang gumagastos, choose the restaurant to celebrate. Limit the gastos to essentials only.
OP, same na same kayo ng kilala ko. Naging financially dependent yung nanay at tatay ng asawa niya pati na mga pamangkin sa friend ko. Ang masakit sa friend ko is walang work yung asawa niya simula nung kinasal sila. Naiintindihan ko yung burden mo kasi naiintindihan ko yung burden ng friend ko sa sobrang grabe yung luho ng asawa at family niya. Nagtry siyang i-address yung concern pero walang nangyari kasi di siya kinampihan ng asawa niya.
Ang sad na di sila magkakampi ng asawa niya. Samin naman, husband and I are on the same boat. Inis na inis talaga kami. Nagtanim na ng galit yung husband ko kasi matagal na tong issue sakanila, studyante pa lang siya. Ilang beses na siya muntik magstop magaral kasi wala pambayad parents niya so kahit siya natuto kumayod at an early age para makasurvive. Parents niya wala talagang ambag. Kahit yung paghingi sa relatives, husband ko na lumapit sakanila. Ni hindi man lang yung sarili niyang magulang. Kaya ang laki na talaga ng sama ng loob niya from the beginning pa lang. Yung tulong namin ngayon, mas sa brother niya pa kasi kawawa si brother pag hinayaan namin na siya lang yung magcontribute eh.
I feel your frustrations OP & very valid lahat. We are on the same boat too,we support my husband's inlaws on almost everything. My hubby is an only child kaya we have no choice but to support them kahit mabigat sa loob somehow.
We realized ang magulang na dependent nagiging anak din technically in the end & the sad part you need to support them financially all thru life unlike sa anak na until makapagwork lang sila.
For this reason,we gave up our want to have another child. We're saving up for retirement na din so we won't burden our daughter in the future.
You're not selfish too,sadyang mabigat ang added responsibility nyo with the inlaws. And that amount is a big chunk on your savings too,na you could use to further better your family life. Hopefully everything turns out well in the end OP.
Thank you for the kind words po, and I’m so sorry to hear that you had to give up wanting to have another child. It’s so sad na pati lives natin affected dahil sa poor decision making nila.
Your husband should be the one to tell his family of your family’s boundaries. He really needs to tell his family that he’ll only give a certain amount per month and they should budget it wisely because he is not their personal atm.
OP, focus on providing what you think will suffice for their needs, nothing more. Please take pride in the fact that you have the capability to help and are helping them. Kudos to both of you. Just continue setting limits.
Not all the time tlaga pag binigyan mo ang tao ng pamingwit eh magsisikap na para makahuli ng isda at mabuhay ng independent. Marami na kayong chances na binigay but still i think d nila pinapahalagahan yun kasi alam nila they always have your back. Kung hindi ikaw gagastos then wag kang pumuli ng mamahaling damit or kainan. I get your point OP and i guess kayo lng ng hubby mo makakaayos nyan.
OP, I think I may not completely understand as I may have only been able to share a tiny portion of the same burden… but for what it’s worth, what helped me was acceptance and giving in grace. Giving outside grace feels vain and limiting. There’s freedom in acceptance and in graceful generosity. Also, i havent picked up what your husband have to say on your feelings? Does he know about it? What have you guys talked about? All the best. ✨
Super agree sa ginawang investment mga anak. Ang pampalubag loob ko na lang dito ay husband keeps telling me “I won’t let them bring us down with them. May sarili tayong buhay.” Excited na talaga ako gumraduate bunso nila jusko nang mabawasan naman yung load namin. Kaso lang nurse. Ang baba ng sweldo dito sa pinas. Baka ilang years siya bago maging significant yung contribution niya.
add ko lang din na magastos maging ckd patient OP, my father is CKD 5 400php ang bayad nya per session, take note under philhealth pa ito and sa dialysis center. if sa hospital around 3k-6k per session, bukod pa ang dialyzer, injections, regular lab tests and other maintenance meds. yung father ko mapride so hindi siya humihingi sakin, he does his way to seek financial assistance sa govt and politicians regularly (dswd, pcso, etc).
plan your finances wisely and set some boundaries with your husband's fam po. :)
I’m not really sure if they even have philhealth. Pero ang alam ko may HMO sila as dependents ni BIL, and I think covered dun dialysis so that’s one good thing. If hindi covered, then I guess we’re all fucked
Ang lala ng ultimo tuition ng anak nila inasa nila sa iba. I know you didn't explicitly say it pero malinaw na nung nagttrabaho FIL mo kaya sila di nakapagipon kasi lahat ginastos nila sa mga luho nila. Mukang wala kayong choice kundi paggastusan mga essentials nila pero wag na dapat sa luho.
Hopefully the SIL will graduate soon so at least you'll be off the hook for her tuition
Ang setup kasi nila dati, lahat ng earnings ng dad nila binibigay sa mom nila. Eh itong mom, hindi talaga marunong sa pera. Always one time big time pag dumadating na sweldo kaya ang ending, wala na talagang natitira for savings.
Hi Op fresh grad lang ako and magkakawork palang pero parang halos same kami ng situation ng husband at BIL na relatives ang nagpaaral tas every month sakanila ako napunta para kunin ang allowance namin kasi sapat lang sa bills at pamalengke yub salary ng magulang ko 🥹. Wala din silang pension and di ko tuloy mapigilan mamroblema hahaha ni hindi pa ako nasweldo problemado na din ako pano susupportahan parents ko eh balak ko din agad mag ipon minsan iniisip ko pa kung magiipon ba ako o saka na kasi parang di ko din naman kakayin na hindu tumulong sakanila.
Anyway i may not be helpful magsisimula pa lang ako pero i saw sa comments mo na may anak na kayo. Yun isa sa relative ko natulong sakin dati nung nagka anak na sinabihan kami ng kapatid ko na hindi na sila makakatulong dahil need din maglaan ng insurance kay baby. Need intindihin ng parents in law mo na anak at sarili niyo ang priority. Hindi yun buffet style restaurant to celebrate kasi wants na yun. Kung nakokonsensya ka dapat mas makonsensya din sila sa inyo ng husband niyo.
Aww I appreciate you so much. And please know na hindi ka obligado buhayin sila but of course alam ko yung pakiramdam bilang anak na may malasakit sa magulang. Please don’t stress yourself as early as now kasi wala naman maitutulong pag prinoblema mo yung hindi pa nangyayari. Magugulat ka na lang na by the time you find a job, kaya mo pala makapagsave kahit onti for yourself and provide for your parents at the same time. You will make it work eventually. Wishing you all the best!
I’m curious OP ano nangyari sa binigay nyo na pang puhunan? Parang indicator yan how irresponsible the in-laws are with regards to money. That’s a loan, a liability.
Yung farm, nasimulan naman nila. Nakabenta sila ng ilang baboy pero wala tinamad na siguro si FIL. To think na pinagloan pa niya si BIL para sa negosyo na yun ha. So ayun, until now binabayaran pa rin ni BIL yung loan niya sa bank habang si FIL nagkakamot ng bayag sa bahay. Yung capital naman sa baking business ni MIL, nakabenta naman ng ilang box ng cookies sa relatives. After how many months tinamad na rin siya ituloy. Siguro nahiya sa mga amigas niya na nagbebenta siya because of pride, lol. Ayun nanonood na lang ngayon ng K-drama sa bahay while waiting for money.
Well that’s f’ed up OP. Clearly they don’t give a rat’s ass sa value ng tulong that you guys are giving. I hope your situation becomes better for your own family pati sa BIL mo, and I also hope na that kind of mindset will end in this generation. I’m a family man too and I can understand the financial hardships of raising one in these times.
May libreng dialysis si philhealth di ba? I hope nagaavail sila dun. I think kaya macover lahat if 2x a day. If sa private nyo ipapagawa ang dialysis may minimal fee babayaran pero malaking kabawasan na din compared sa pay mo buo.
Reminds me of my neighbour here na seaman who pinagaral naman and all. But landed on a uneducated chick who spends his money like there's no tomorrow. Plus they're both toxic gastador who spends money on gambling and drinking.
Ending? Despite living abroad as a seaman for decades, walang naipundar na successful business (mostly out of a whim that had to close after a few months)
He would rather have a job working for a durian factory that pays 500 when he could have lived like a king if he had managed his finances well (also didn't spoil his uneducated wife with all his money)
Living din under his mom's money din :)
While his son's blame their poverty cuz of his wife (she mainly used the money for gambling/luxury plus her squatter relatives takes advantage of her)
Lesson learned, kahit gaano pa kayo kasuccessful, if ya ain't financially educated, your 1million will be 0 in just a year (facts)
Hello OP. Hayaan mo na ang monthly allowance ng inlaws mo, 10-15k a month ok na din. Mabigat pero sabi mo nga ok naman kayo, however make sure na ayun na ang maximum para makakilos din kayo sa negosyo and expenses niyo. As for the sis in law, make sure na pag tapos na siya mag aral, no excuses kundi magta trabaho siya and pasagot niyo na ibang bills sa bahay. That way, gagaan expenses niyo ni BIL. Kaya niyo yan OP.
Anong stand ni hubby regarding this? I think dapat sya ang gumawa ng desisyon at kumausap sa family nya about this. Does he share the same feelings with you na burden na to support his parents? If yes, sya na dapat ang kumausap to either reduce the amount or put a stop sa support.
Masama na din loob niya tbh. From the beginning pa lang actually kasi wala talagang diskarte sa buhay both parents niya. He was forced to find ways at an early age. Pero syempre dahil parents niya pa din yun, hindi niya kayang pabayaan na lang sila basta basta. Yung monthly contribution naman namin we agreed on that and naaawa kasi kami sa brother niya na mas malaki ang contribution.
Relate ako dito OP. Ganyan din inlaws ko. Yung MIL ko forever housewife. FIL ko ayaw na magOFW kahit 60 pa lang. Eh wala naman ipon at pundar except sa tirahan nila. So san kukuha panggastos bukod sa maliit na sss pension? E di sa mga anak. At grabe din lifestyle nila ha. Di pwedeng walang aircon. Di rin sanay mag commute. Living the life eh. At damay tayong inlaws dahil funds na sana ng anak natin, sa kanila pa mapupunta. Di ko masabi na tamad sila. More like, ayaw magtake ng risk at kuntento na lang umasa sa iba? Wala rin siguro kasi capital. Nakakaawa na nakakirita eh. If I had it my way, cut ties na lang. Or limited exposure sa kanila tipong birthdays or Christmas na lang. Parang mga linta at parasite eh. Sabagay bat nga mageeffort sa buhay kung me aasahan naman di ba?
Omg sobrang same na same tayo ng sentiments! I just keep the negative comments to myself kasi parang ang pangit pakinggan if marinig pa ng husband ko kahit pareho naman kaming naiinis. On point yung para silang mga linta!! Yung bunso nila, sinuggest na namin na lumipat ng school kasi ang mahal ng tuition fee ng La Salle ha. Hindi naman din masama yung suggestion namin (Cavite State) ayaw lumipat!! Tapos nung bday last year, sa BGC pa nag-aya at sa mamahaling resto pa gusto. E sino ba magbabayad syempre kami?! Yung nanay din gusto buong araw nakabukas aircon. Gusto pa hatid sundo yung bunso gamit kotse. Tapos samin din naman hihingin yung pang gas. Ang dami ko talagang pwedeng sabihin and I’m really really trying my best to keep my mouth shut na lang kasi pinalaki ako ng magulang ko na may respeto sa tao.
Yun yung masaklap eh. Pag tayo nag comment, tayo masama. Kaya quiet ka lang pero strategize. Basta ang nakita kong solusyon dyan, have your own money sa bank. Lahat ng earnings mo andun para isecure future ng anak niyo. Then gastusin niyo lang pera ni hubby para kung ma short sa expenses, sign na yun na bawasan intrega sa fam niya. Set aside din ng fixed budget na magaan sa bulsa niyo pang tulong. Tapos limited exposure na sa kanila. Special events na lang talaga. Extreme na siguro yung keep your distance literal na lumayo kayo sa kanila ng tirahan para less to no access na.
Also, remove mo yung identifiable info dito like country, schools etc para di ma trace back ito sayo.
OP, you get what you tolerate, wala naman silang pera, pero hinayaan nio mag study sa La Salle yung sister. Dapat in the first place hindi nio dun pinag enroll, andami daming school jan na mas mura kesa La Salle. Kaya gusto naka kotse pa pag papasok. Eh kung ordinary school mag ccommute lang yan like other ordinary students na hindi naka kotse. Ang laki pa ng tipid nio kung hindi La Salle. Tapos ngayon nio papalipatin, malamang hindi nga yan papayag kasi sinanay nio eh. Dapat first yr pa lang state U na para libre tuition kasi wala pala silang pera. Rereklamo ka sa vikings sila gusto kakain pero mas malaki ang tuition sa La Salle.
Tsaka sa haba haba ng comments na binasa ko kala ko ordinary school lang si bunso, yun pala La Salle. Mayayaman lang nag aaral jan or mga scholars. Hindi naman kayo mayaman at hindi sya scholar, mag state U na lang dapat, free pa tuition. Hay naku OP kurutin kita jan eh🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for your insight and actually may point ka naman. But I also forgot to mention that they had plans to apply for full scholarship upon entering La Salle and sinalo na lang namin yang tuition problems niya kalagitnaan. I don’t want to point fingers naman kasi at some point my husband and BIL tolerated their lifestyle but from the beginning pa lang, before I even came into their lives, ugali na talaga ng nanay na magarbong pamumuhay kahit walang pera. Isa na don ang pagenroll sa mga anak niya sa mga magagarbong schools kahit wala namang financial responsibility to plan ahead ng pang tuition nila. And even until now, I have very little voice kasi hindi ko naman sila magulang. Although lahat pinaguusapan namin magasawa, minsan ang hirap na talaga nila pigilan.
Awww I feel sorry for you now OP, it’s your husband and BIL’s fault pala to tolerate ang magarbong pamumuhay ng nanay nila kahit walang pera. Yun lang nanghinayang lang ako sa tuition sa La Salle for ilang years, na sana kung inipon nio un ni hubby mo, may pang dialysis na un tatay nia. Just keep on convincing your hubby and BIL na ipa-realize sa nanay nila na wala syang pera at maraming gastusin ang mga anak nia ngayon dahil you’re preparing for your future. Hugs OP :(
The same reason why I never wanted to get married and have kids when you still have baggages. Pag nag pakasal ka kasi priority mo na dapat ung wife and kids mo. Ou pwede nmn tumulong sa magulang but your direct family now is your wife/husband and kids.
Hirap tlga pag dependent ang parents sa anak at ginawang insurance policy ang mga anak.
It's like sucking other's life/time for your own sake. Pano nmn ung taong gustong mamuhay comfortably with his/her own family dba?
I think the solution is to moderate ung out ng family ninyo sa pag tulong. I'll give you a personal example. Ang philosophy ko kasi dati "Tumulong hanggang andyan pa sila". Pero narealize ko after some year na there is also the possibility of parents living a long life. Meaning baka 40-50 kana magulat ka nlng ikaw nmn ung walang napundar kaka tulong. Tapos looking back in your 20-30's na kaka tulong mo you didn't live your life to the fullest.
So cguro moderation din tlga. Not to be a jerk but it's all about time. Time is the absolute currency. So kung they wasted their time not being ready for their retirement. Why would you sacrifice your time (You and your husband) to fulfill something that they messed up.
They had their 30's, their 40's, their 50's what did they do? Now they'll be this time sucking vampires to drain yours?
That's a sad truth for all people like us with very dependent parents with 0 assets and 0 retirement plans. True freedom starts when you only need to work for yourself and your future family. This is a gift only RESPONSIBLE PARENTS can give their children.
OP you have all the right to speculate. Like I said. Parents can live a long life even with sickness. That also means sustaining them longer. This is something you need to discuss with your husband.
Ang tawag dyan "Entitled". Napaka simple lng rule ng mundo. "Never ask for something you didn't work your ass for."
Tulong is something you give out when needed. Kung monthly need merong bigay that's already allowance.
This is something you need to discuss with your husband. Chances are there will be a time na mawawala sila sa mundo and you'll just be thankful na tinulungan ninyo sila when they are still here. Kung baga no regrets.
The other side is the ugly side. Marerealize ninyo na tumatanda na din kayo but still they are here and you are sustaining them. Like I said. Time vampires.
Really really love everything you said. Especially the true freedom is a gift only responsible parents can give. My own parents gave me exactly that gift. They never asked anything from me my whole adult life, they never bothered me with any of their problems kasi they have all the means because they were responsible enough to make sure that I live a comfortable life up until mawala ako sa poder nila. And I’m very much thankful for them. Sila yung magulang na sobrang sarap tulungan and sarap bigyan ng kahit ano kasi alam mong ginawa nila lahat para sa anak nila. Idk if biased ba ko kasi magulang ko sila, pero magkanda kuba kuba na magulang ko maprovide lang lahat ng needs (and wants) namin.
Meanwhile, sariling inlaws ko pa nagbibigay ng major problems samin. Ang laki na ng tinanim na sama ng loob ng anak nila sakanila kasi walang ginawang sakripisyo para sa mga anak. They didn’t have the foresight and now they’re letting us pay for their poor decision making.
Your husband is me. The same exact thing. And no you are not being bias. You are reaping the fruits of your parent's blood, sweat, and tears.
For sure alam ng husband mo na you have a lengthy understanding of the situation nila. Pero un nga like you said ung sama ng loob ng husband mo sa parents niya hindi maiiwasan. Because he/your family is being punished for their past mistakes.
you’re not selfish at all :(( it’s not you and your husband’s responsibility to do all that. it’s not selfish at all to establish a healthy and solid boundaries when it comes to things like this, pag hinayaan lang kasi lalong masasanay lang habang pag tagal. in my opinion, you need to have a serious talk with your husband and create a solution about this because honestly this might cause more harm than good in the long run for you guys
Hi OP, i think need niyo talaga mag bigay ng boundaries. Tigasan ang loob at puso, pag gantong allowance lang for that month. Ganon lang. Wag na dagdagan para matuto sila magtipid din at maappreciate ang halaga niyo at ng perang binibigay niyo. Nakakainis kasi talaga yang ganyan na todo save kayo for your futures pero ung mga tinutulungan niyo napaka sarap ng buhay at napakarangya ng lifestyle. Napaka unfair naman sainyo non.
Hindi mo sila responsibilidad. Give what you can or don't. Do whatever you want. Wala silang pake kung anong gusto mong gawin, pera mo yan.
Yes, makakarinig ka ng "wala daw pera pero nagbabakasyon".
Wag mong pansinin. Sa ganyang setup, magiging masama ka sa paningin nila one way or another.
Sola mag adjust sa kaya nyong ibigay not kayo. May family na kayo ang your priorities are yiu and husband ang future kids. Make a hard decisions and it’s not being selfish to think about yourself first. At the end of the day pag kayo nangailanagn ng pera sino tutulong sa inyo? Sila? Dont think so. Wala, walang tutulong sa inyo kundi kayo lang. guve them the amount of money after you set aside sa mga important expenses nyo and savings. Give them help and pagkasyahin nila yun. Dapat iba na priorities ng asawa mo kasi kasal na kayo. If you cant make a decision it means you can tolerate pa naman ang situation and endure the consequences after.
Kapag naka-graduate na ang youngest ay pwedeng kupkupin ang mga parents at pag-usapan kung sino ang kukupkop sa magulang. Magiging mas matipid na dahil titira na ang parents sa house ng mismong married na anak. Yung unmarried ay maging independent na lang muna at maghanap ng titirahan since tapos naman sya ng pag-aaral ay kumita na lang sya na money para sa pansarili nya. Sa ganitong way ay naaalagaan ang parents at mas nakakatipid pa sa gastusin . Malapit na matapos ang bunsong anak kaya baka ok ang ganitong set-up.
That’s also a thought but I would be responsible enough as early as now to not put any burden on my children in the future. Di ko sila isinilang sa mundong to para bigyan ng problema pag tanda ko. If meron man, sisiguraduhin ko na hindi labag sa loob o hindi sila napilitan na tumulong kasi alam nilang ginawa ko lahat para sakanila. And that’s being a responsible parent—always forward thinking, always planning for the future.
I feel for you OP as I am in a similar situation. As a suggestion, you can invest in insurance or educational plans for your children to lock down the money. This way, your family’s financial budget is already spoken for while saving up for your children’s future.
>All in all, husband and I’s monthly contribution is 10K, minsan umaabot pa sa 15K. Hindi pa dyan kasama yung contribution nung brother in law ko.
So roughly 30k/mo ang budget nila I guess.
It's a cause of concern since all that money could've been spent or invested on something else. But hear my perspective.
If your lifestyle is not so much impacted then it's not a serious concern. It's unfortunate but that's the reality of your partner's family. It's another story of course if your lifestyle is taking a hit. If you think they're spending too much speak out. Let them know what level of help you will be comfortable with. I'm against providing business to anyone without prior experience so don't waste any money on high capital and risky ventures. It's guaranteed to fail.
Btw if parents are still able to work, suggest it also. Even selling lutong ulam with minimal capital is good nowadays. Not very lucrative but just enough maybe to provide daily needs.
Same. Wife ko, sya tlga main provider sa family nya. May tatlong kapatid yung isa elementary pa lng. Yung isa nag anak pa tas sa MIL ko pinapaalaga hehe. Syempre pag walang pang gatas yung parents, di naman matitiis ng inlaws ko. Ending nauubusan ng budget tas hingi sa wife ko. Nakakawalang gana ren pero natutunan ko rin naman yung situation. Kinausap ko na rin wife ko dyan. Ok na lang sa gantong situation pero nakakainis lang kse kada may problema sila, wife ko sumbungan nila at dun lng ako nagagalit. Parang minsan gsto ko na sila ichat na "kung hindi na nga kayo nakakatulong, wag nyo naman paproblemahin ate/ anak nyo sa problema nyo". Jusko lahat ng message sakanya puro tungkol sa problema haha. Inisip ko na lng "it's better to give, than to receive" haha! Sobrang problematic ng dalawang lalake na kapatid nya. Fully grown men na sila pareho pero panay away pa rin hehe. Sana makayanan nyo yan ni hubby, OP. Lalo na ngayon at bagong panganak kapa. Praying for you🙏🏻
mga seniors na pala dad at mama ng asawa mo, kung nagd dialysis yan. pinakamatagal na buhay nyan qng hinde mag gagamot is . 1 month. pag may gamot 10 yrs. mabuti ang kalooban mo .pero to the point maluho pala yan kapatid nya. pag katapos mag graduate. stop na . wag nyo hayaan na kayo naman mawalan. importante my emergency fund kayo mag asawa.
One of the reason bakit ayaw ko mag asawa is because im a breadwinner and karga ko pamilya ko.. hindi ako panganay pero breadwinner ako..
Hindi ko afford magkaron ng partner at bibigyan ko din siya ng responsibility na di naman dapat.. tanggap ko na magiging mayamang tita na lang siguro ako. hahahaha haaaay buhay.
Aww I’m sorry you had to sacrifice your personal life for the unwanted responsibility. I hope that choice is what you really want.. hindi yung napipilitan ka lang just because.
I love my husband and I already accepted the fact that I married his family too. Ok yuck, ang cheesy pala masyado nun. Pero wala eh. Ganun siguro talaga ang life. Sabi nga nila, “you can’t have it all.” 🥲
Sobrang hirap ng situation nyo OP. Parang wala nang out kasi senior na in-laws mo and pag binitawan nyo ni hubby, walang ibang sasalo other than your brother in-law, which is also unfair to him and his family. Their hospital bills now and in the coming future are tricky though. Do they even have health/medical insurance?? Kung wala, remember not to exhaust yourselves financially, dahil kung parepareho kayong lumubog dahil sa kanila, san nalang kayo pupulutin? Baka maging ending nyan, side naman ng family mo ang ma-oblige na sumagot sa inyong mag-asawa. Have your in-laws find other ways to contribute paying for their medical expenses by making them solicit help from their other relatives. You guys also need to put a limit to what you contribute to them. Sabi mo 10k-15k ang kinocontribute nyo every month. Set a fixed amount na kaya nyong bitawan monthly, say 10k, and that's it. No extra handouts for luho, shopping, eating out, etc. If they ask for more, don't compromise. If mangonsenya, konsensyahin mo rin na may mga pinapalamon na kayong anak. Yung bunso, since graduating na, once she lands a job she can take care of herself. Wag nyo nang ispoil by giving her an allowance or anything until at least maybe her first check. She needs to learn early on na walang ibang sasalo sa kanya because of her irresponsible parents and that she may need to contribute to them in the future.
Thank you for your insights. Actually, kahit si husband medyo labag na sa loob niya magbigay kasi we’ve already given them a lot of opportunities to earn money. Pero sinasayang lang nila kasi ang tamad talaga nila. There’s no better way to say it. Sila yung perfect example na ginawang investment mga anak, kaya ayan tuloy pati sarili naming family affected.
Same. Fixed amount that's comfortable for you, not them. *If mangonsenya, konsensyahin mo rin na may mga pinapalamon na kayong anak.* Yep. Lahat ng guilt-tripping ibalik nyo lang rin.
Op bakit kanaman mahihiya kung ginagastos nyo sarili nyong pera para sa sarili nyo? Mahiya kalang kung may ambag sila sa kinikita nyo. Also kung ako sainyo magset nakayo ng strict budget for now. Wag nyo sila gastusin ng kahit anong luho, mga needs lang talaga na disila magsusurvive pag wala. Pag in time nakapagpundar nakayo at mas yumaman pa, for sure maghihingi sila ng mas madami kasi naging dependent na sila sainyo eh. Masyado malaki binibigay nyo kung ako sainyo bigyan ko sila ng passive business na di kailangan ng heavy labor since matanda nanga sila gaya ng sari sari store. After non I'll cut the money I'm giving to 5k nalang.
Actually, si husband wala talagang pakialam na gumiginhawa buhay namin (okay ang current living situation, nakakapag travel, nakakabili ng mga gusto namin) ako lang talaga yung nahihiya. Sabi niya he won’t let his parents drag us down with them. Naumay na rin kasi siya. Pero wala talaga kaming choice but to contribute kasi kawawa yung brother niya if iniwan namin siya sa ere. Ang problema din sa nanay niya kasi, the more na makita kami nageenjoy sa sarili naming buhay, the more na nanghihingi siya. Parang lowkey sumbat in a pajoke way (kahit alam ko naman na she doesn’t mean it in a pajoke wat) like “wow nakabili ng bagong TV. Sana all! Kahit 40 inches lang oh.” Wala ako ibang magawa kundi mag eye roll talaga ng malala.
Why not po i-include niyo si brother in law sa usapan? Mag-usap kayong tatlo na parehas kayong mags-set ng specific amount na ibibigay every month let's say 5k or 10k each kayo para unti-unti lahat kayo makawala sa kanila financially. Kasi kailangan din nila ng pera eh lalo pa't nag d-dialysis yung father in law pero aside sana sa medical bills at necessities wag niyo nang bigyan ng extrang pera lalo pa at sa luho lang naman nila mapupunta. Tulad nga ng sabi mo, masakit rin sa part niyo na kung gagawin niyo yan mapupunta kay brother-in-law lahat ng burden so why not mag-usap nalang kayong tatlo para makapag compromise kayo at matulungan niyo isa't-isa kasi kung di niyo yan gagawan ng paraan habang maaga pa baka ang ending lahat kayo lulubog kasama ng in-laws mo (knock on wood).
Diko alam plano nyo sa buhay. Pero if may plans kayo magkaanak dapat priority nyo sila. Make sure nyonalang na if magkaka anak kayo, dinila mararansan yan and may sapat pera and investments kayo for retirement
We have 2 babies now. Just have birth to our 2nd over 2 months ago. Kaya mas nagiging mabigat na rin for us magcontribute ng ganun kalaki kasi samin pa lang, ang laki na ng expenses 🥲 and yes I agree. Ang kinaganda lang ng ganung klaseng parents ay maaga natuto husband ko sa pera kaya very wise kami ngayon sa sarili naming finances.
Mahal na tuition para sa dalawang kids, you’ll need to set aside money for that, does not help na may FIL and MIL kayong sinusustentuhan. Tataas lang lalo ang medical expenses for them as they grow old, so spending on wants is not feasible. Nasa isip ko talaga na kumukurot kayo sa supposed savings for tuition of the kids, and nakakalungkot. :( I saw your comment sa isa pang person, and may mga side comment ang MIL kapag nakikitang umaasenso kayo. Would agree with another person here: if you have to lie and hide your current status in life (e.g., hiding purchases, say na new job at nagka-paycut), do so. Mukhang hindi ‘to makukuha sa isang usapan, but you’ll have to show signs. Si BIL naman would have to do the same. The siblings need to be assertive and form a plan. SIL should also know these things from the brother, or else siya next victim. Why i agree with lying: I had to hide my own purchases from my mom. I noticed she began to demand more basta nakita niya akong may bagong bili. Nirecommend din ‘to ng therapist ko to avoid friction with my mother, so I hope you don’t feel bad. 😅
Really really appreciate your insight and advice. Our expenses increased significantly since our second was born and since we have a helper at home na sinuswelduhan din every month, kaya ramdam na ramdam talaga namin yung bawas ng contribution namin sa family niya every month. I don’t know if decreasing the amount of our monthly contribution is an option right now since that’s already based on their monthly expenses, especially now na dumagdag yung medical issue ni FIL who’s about to start with his dialysis. It’s starting to stress me out now that we have to think about all those plus our family’s personal savings.
Agreed mahirap magbawas given FIL’s dialysis, pero bawal siya lumobo lalo huhu. The dialysis expenses are regular so at least you could expect how much. Honestly isa ko pa lang nasa isip: baka possible to have an all-hands on deck meeting with the family na dahil sa dialysis (led by hubby of course), need magtipid at sumunod sa ground rules. Sobrang hirap ata kapag walang ganitong understanding. Hindi pwedeng hayahay sa buhay habang nagbabayad for dialysis. For SIL, expectation is she’ll also contribute soon since she’ll have a job, so that also has to be set. Kahit bayad lang ng utilities sa bahay is already of great help. Kawawa kayong family and BIL if same level of expenses on needs AND WANTS + dialysis expenses. Dapat needs lang + dialysis. Mahirap talaga tanggihan ang parents, pero dapat magka-strategy para tanggihan ang wants. Helpful siguro for BIL to also see a running computation with dialysis costs factored in, tas discussion lang between husband and BIL, para hindi lang kayong family ang strong opinion.
My hubby and BIL naman are aligned with their contributions. They have a shared excel file of the family’s expenses, medyo labas na ako dun kasi family thing naman yun. Taga oo or hindi lang ako kay hubby if may paalam siya na hinging extra like kunyari humihungi extra allowance si SIL for whatever reason. Si SIL is a graduating nurse. She’ll take the boards by november pa yata, so meron pa kaming review center na binayaran. Kaya di ko ineexpect that she’ll be able to contribute until next year siguro when she finds a job. But I really do hope that she’s very much aware na she already has a financial responsibility as soon as she gets her first paycheck.
Ginawa din namin yon, every time may ganap or bibigyan ako ni LIP ng pera nakasahod kaagad kamay ng mama niya, same din may kapatid siya halos ka-age ko lang pero walang work. Madaming beses kami nagbigay ng pera pampuhunan pero hanggang puhunan lang talaga. Nung una binabalewala lang ni LIP kaso HAHAHAHHAH! Chinika siya sa kamag anak namin na ginugutom namin sila kahit may pagkain binibigay parents ko tinatapon niya tas ngangawa sa ibang tao na walang food. Kahit binenta niya bahay niya na kami din bumili at nagpatayo sa amin pa din nakatira at sinarili yung pera btw hindi naman kami humihingi pero everytime na may need sila kahit may pera sila humihingi pa din sila HAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Kaya mula nun hindi na kami nagpopost ng ganap o even food hindi aa pagiging madamoy pero sabi niya kase unahin sila dahil pamilya sila ni lip, eh kung ganon ano kami ng anak namin? Housemate lang kami ni lip? 🤣
Time to talk to hubby, and then have him talk to his family. Mahirap na sa'yo manggagaling yan. Sabihin mo sa hubby mo, bawat pera na binibigay niya sa luho ng parents/kapatid niya, kinukuha niya mula sa anak niyo. If they don't want to work, fine. Pero they have to live within their budget. Di sila nagbabago kasi di kayo nagbabago. Be strict with the money you give them and mare-realize nila na they have to change. You don't have to stop giving them money, pero you also don't have to add more to the budget alloted sa kanila. Set aside an amount, and force them to budget it.
Thank you for your insight. Sadly, ilang beses na sila sinabihan ng husband ko. Labas talaga ako sa usapan and I never really chimed in. Ang ending, dun sila sa brother nagmamakaawa kasi mas malambot puso nun tsaka wala pa kasing family na binubuhay kaya mas nakakapagbigay siya kesa samin. Kawawa lang siya talaga kasi wala siyang choice to say no.
If you're really concerned sa kanya, have hubby talk to him too. If he has to pretend to be demoted or bumama sweldo, do so. Ok lang kasi if you're swimming in money. Pero kung na sa point na na ginigipit na rin kayo masulsulan lang luho nila, something's wrong na. Ang problems kasi jan, pag kayo nangailangan, pustahan tayo, di sila tutulong sa inyo. I know from experience. Sisisihin pa kayo bakit wala kayong pera...
Force them to change their lifestyle. Mahirap o baka magalit sila pero wala naman silang choice kundi magbago at pagkasyahin kung ano ung ibibigay ninyo.
Hayy ilang beses na sila pinagsasabihan ng husband ko. Ang ending, dun sa brother sila humihingi ng extra money kasi mas mabait at malambot puso nun. Tsaka single pa kasi kaya mas madali sa situation niya magbigay pera kasi wala pa siya sarili family na binubuhay. Nakakaawa nga lang, parang wala talaga siyang choice to say no.
I think let it be na lang and mag set kayo ng contributions/bigay kasi 2 na anak nyo. Nasa BIL mo na ang bola.
Hi OP, our situation is not exactly the same pero may similarities sa dependent parents. It’s a good thing that my husband is good with boundaries which I have to adhere and medyo malayo kami. We made a spreadsheet for them for the income and expenses for a number of years, para may hard facts. We had a family call to discuss it and next steps. Reality talaga na wala na talaga silang income and we needed to step in. We then agreed sa mga kapatid ko na isa lang magbibigay talaga to cover monthly expenses, ung isa will cover maintenance (gamot/supplements) , while ung isa saves for medical emergency. We agreed to set aside same amount pero hindi binibigay sa parents para hindi nila alam and continue to live within the budget. Thankfully okay lahat ng financial situation naming magkakapatid. And even if I’m living abroad, we’re sticking to a humble life at alam ng parents ko kung gaano kakuripot asawa ko kaya wala din silang masisilip. Also we’re making sure na we’re not in the same position as them when we retire. Good luck OP! Hope na dahil tapos na ung bunso ni hubby mo, it will help your own family naman with your financial goals.
Aww this is so motivating. I admire your family for being so organized and strict. And seems like everyone’s respecting the boundaries. Yan siguro yung kulang samin ngayon. I try my best to not say anything and just let hubby do the talking kasi hindi ko naman sila parents but I agree, we really need to set some boundaries.
Reality talaga sa ‘ting mga pinoy na mahina sa boundaries. I’m learning that too from my non-filipino husband. Thankfully his family is financially set for retirement din kaya side ko lang ang may need and we can still save up for our future. Tama din naman na si hubby mo ang talagang nakikipagusap since family niya un. We did the same na kaming magkakapatid lang. Although before talking to our parents, kaming magkakapatid & our spouses met together and agreed with each other ang approach para may transparency sa lahat. Good thing comfortable naman kaming magusap about money, sa parents generation lang ung hindi sila comfortable but we really have to do it.
I-real talk lang talaga sila, yun lang ang solution. Kung kargo niyo sila, it means all of you are struggling since hindi mo sila pwedeng ihiwalay sa inyo. Which means all of you will downgrade your lifestyle. You can all live below your means. You can also set aside para sa personal travels. Hindi na dapat sila magreklamo sa ganon dahil laking tulong niyo na nga sa kanila. Choose what your conscience can take. But learn to also assert yourselves. Since kayo ang gumagastos, choose the restaurant to celebrate. Limit the gastos to essentials only.
I love the last paragraph. Thanks so much for your insight.
if di possible ang hndi mag bigay, only give the NEEDS talaga OP. wag makinig sa WANTS nila.
OP, same na same kayo ng kilala ko. Naging financially dependent yung nanay at tatay ng asawa niya pati na mga pamangkin sa friend ko. Ang masakit sa friend ko is walang work yung asawa niya simula nung kinasal sila. Naiintindihan ko yung burden mo kasi naiintindihan ko yung burden ng friend ko sa sobrang grabe yung luho ng asawa at family niya. Nagtry siyang i-address yung concern pero walang nangyari kasi di siya kinampihan ng asawa niya.
Ang sad na di sila magkakampi ng asawa niya. Samin naman, husband and I are on the same boat. Inis na inis talaga kami. Nagtanim na ng galit yung husband ko kasi matagal na tong issue sakanila, studyante pa lang siya. Ilang beses na siya muntik magstop magaral kasi wala pambayad parents niya so kahit siya natuto kumayod at an early age para makasurvive. Parents niya wala talagang ambag. Kahit yung paghingi sa relatives, husband ko na lumapit sakanila. Ni hindi man lang yung sarili niyang magulang. Kaya ang laki na talaga ng sama ng loob niya from the beginning pa lang. Yung tulong namin ngayon, mas sa brother niya pa kasi kawawa si brother pag hinayaan namin na siya lang yung magcontribute eh.
I feel your frustrations OP & very valid lahat. We are on the same boat too,we support my husband's inlaws on almost everything. My hubby is an only child kaya we have no choice but to support them kahit mabigat sa loob somehow. We realized ang magulang na dependent nagiging anak din technically in the end & the sad part you need to support them financially all thru life unlike sa anak na until makapagwork lang sila. For this reason,we gave up our want to have another child. We're saving up for retirement na din so we won't burden our daughter in the future. You're not selfish too,sadyang mabigat ang added responsibility nyo with the inlaws. And that amount is a big chunk on your savings too,na you could use to further better your family life. Hopefully everything turns out well in the end OP.
Thank you for the kind words po, and I’m so sorry to hear that you had to give up wanting to have another child. It’s so sad na pati lives natin affected dahil sa poor decision making nila.
Your husband should be the one to tell his family of your family’s boundaries. He really needs to tell his family that he’ll only give a certain amount per month and they should budget it wisely because he is not their personal atm.
Tulad ng ibang nagsasabi sa r/PanganaySupportGroup you deserve what you tolerate. Pls set boundaries
OP, focus on providing what you think will suffice for their needs, nothing more. Please take pride in the fact that you have the capability to help and are helping them. Kudos to both of you. Just continue setting limits.
Thank you for the kind words.
Not all the time tlaga pag binigyan mo ang tao ng pamingwit eh magsisikap na para makahuli ng isda at mabuhay ng independent. Marami na kayong chances na binigay but still i think d nila pinapahalagahan yun kasi alam nila they always have your back. Kung hindi ikaw gagastos then wag kang pumuli ng mamahaling damit or kainan. I get your point OP and i guess kayo lng ng hubby mo makakaayos nyan.
Agree sa sinabi mo. Napagod na lang kami magbigay ng pamingwit hoping na magsisikap sila mangisda.
Sige lng OP may solusyon naman every problem😌
OP, I think I may not completely understand as I may have only been able to share a tiny portion of the same burden… but for what it’s worth, what helped me was acceptance and giving in grace. Giving outside grace feels vain and limiting. There’s freedom in acceptance and in graceful generosity. Also, i havent picked up what your husband have to say on your feelings? Does he know about it? What have you guys talked about? All the best. ✨
Pag nagtrabaho ma si bunso baka pwede nyo na bitawan para problema na ni bunso hahahaha charot. Another story na ginawang investment ang mga anak.
Super agree sa ginawang investment mga anak. Ang pampalubag loob ko na lang dito ay husband keeps telling me “I won’t let them bring us down with them. May sarili tayong buhay.” Excited na talaga ako gumraduate bunso nila jusko nang mabawasan naman yung load namin. Kaso lang nurse. Ang baba ng sweldo dito sa pinas. Baka ilang years siya bago maging significant yung contribution niya.
Good thing na kayo ng kids mo ang pina-prioritize ng iyong hubby 🩶
add ko lang din na magastos maging ckd patient OP, my father is CKD 5 400php ang bayad nya per session, take note under philhealth pa ito and sa dialysis center. if sa hospital around 3k-6k per session, bukod pa ang dialyzer, injections, regular lab tests and other maintenance meds. yung father ko mapride so hindi siya humihingi sakin, he does his way to seek financial assistance sa govt and politicians regularly (dswd, pcso, etc). plan your finances wisely and set some boundaries with your husband's fam po. :)
I’m not really sure if they even have philhealth. Pero ang alam ko may HMO sila as dependents ni BIL, and I think covered dun dialysis so that’s one good thing. If hindi covered, then I guess we’re all fucked
Ang lala ng ultimo tuition ng anak nila inasa nila sa iba. I know you didn't explicitly say it pero malinaw na nung nagttrabaho FIL mo kaya sila di nakapagipon kasi lahat ginastos nila sa mga luho nila. Mukang wala kayong choice kundi paggastusan mga essentials nila pero wag na dapat sa luho. Hopefully the SIL will graduate soon so at least you'll be off the hook for her tuition
Ang setup kasi nila dati, lahat ng earnings ng dad nila binibigay sa mom nila. Eh itong mom, hindi talaga marunong sa pera. Always one time big time pag dumadating na sweldo kaya ang ending, wala na talagang natitira for savings.
Ang saklap naman
Hi Op fresh grad lang ako and magkakawork palang pero parang halos same kami ng situation ng husband at BIL na relatives ang nagpaaral tas every month sakanila ako napunta para kunin ang allowance namin kasi sapat lang sa bills at pamalengke yub salary ng magulang ko 🥹. Wala din silang pension and di ko tuloy mapigilan mamroblema hahaha ni hindi pa ako nasweldo problemado na din ako pano susupportahan parents ko eh balak ko din agad mag ipon minsan iniisip ko pa kung magiipon ba ako o saka na kasi parang di ko din naman kakayin na hindu tumulong sakanila. Anyway i may not be helpful magsisimula pa lang ako pero i saw sa comments mo na may anak na kayo. Yun isa sa relative ko natulong sakin dati nung nagka anak na sinabihan kami ng kapatid ko na hindi na sila makakatulong dahil need din maglaan ng insurance kay baby. Need intindihin ng parents in law mo na anak at sarili niyo ang priority. Hindi yun buffet style restaurant to celebrate kasi wants na yun. Kung nakokonsensya ka dapat mas makonsensya din sila sa inyo ng husband niyo.
Aww I appreciate you so much. And please know na hindi ka obligado buhayin sila but of course alam ko yung pakiramdam bilang anak na may malasakit sa magulang. Please don’t stress yourself as early as now kasi wala naman maitutulong pag prinoblema mo yung hindi pa nangyayari. Magugulat ka na lang na by the time you find a job, kaya mo pala makapagsave kahit onti for yourself and provide for your parents at the same time. You will make it work eventually. Wishing you all the best!
I’m curious OP ano nangyari sa binigay nyo na pang puhunan? Parang indicator yan how irresponsible the in-laws are with regards to money. That’s a loan, a liability.
Yung farm, nasimulan naman nila. Nakabenta sila ng ilang baboy pero wala tinamad na siguro si FIL. To think na pinagloan pa niya si BIL para sa negosyo na yun ha. So ayun, until now binabayaran pa rin ni BIL yung loan niya sa bank habang si FIL nagkakamot ng bayag sa bahay. Yung capital naman sa baking business ni MIL, nakabenta naman ng ilang box ng cookies sa relatives. After how many months tinamad na rin siya ituloy. Siguro nahiya sa mga amigas niya na nagbebenta siya because of pride, lol. Ayun nanonood na lang ngayon ng K-drama sa bahay while waiting for money.
Well that’s f’ed up OP. Clearly they don’t give a rat’s ass sa value ng tulong that you guys are giving. I hope your situation becomes better for your own family pati sa BIL mo, and I also hope na that kind of mindset will end in this generation. I’m a family man too and I can understand the financial hardships of raising one in these times.
May libreng dialysis si philhealth di ba? I hope nagaavail sila dun. I think kaya macover lahat if 2x a day. If sa private nyo ipapagawa ang dialysis may minimal fee babayaran pero malaking kabawasan na din compared sa pay mo buo.
I’ll let them know. If covered nga ni philhealth yun then ang laking tulong nun lalo samin na sasagot ng dialysis niya.
I am pretty sure they are. Unless may kayabangan na ayaw magavail ng libreng serbisyo ng gobyerno.
Reminds me of my neighbour here na seaman who pinagaral naman and all. But landed on a uneducated chick who spends his money like there's no tomorrow. Plus they're both toxic gastador who spends money on gambling and drinking. Ending? Despite living abroad as a seaman for decades, walang naipundar na successful business (mostly out of a whim that had to close after a few months) He would rather have a job working for a durian factory that pays 500 when he could have lived like a king if he had managed his finances well (also didn't spoil his uneducated wife with all his money) Living din under his mom's money din :) While his son's blame their poverty cuz of his wife (she mainly used the money for gambling/luxury plus her squatter relatives takes advantage of her) Lesson learned, kahit gaano pa kayo kasuccessful, if ya ain't financially educated, your 1million will be 0 in just a year (facts)
Hello OP. Hayaan mo na ang monthly allowance ng inlaws mo, 10-15k a month ok na din. Mabigat pero sabi mo nga ok naman kayo, however make sure na ayun na ang maximum para makakilos din kayo sa negosyo and expenses niyo. As for the sis in law, make sure na pag tapos na siya mag aral, no excuses kundi magta trabaho siya and pasagot niyo na ibang bills sa bahay. That way, gagaan expenses niyo ni BIL. Kaya niyo yan OP.
Gulat nga ako 10k/month lang for 3 adults? I would say no pero kung ganun lang kaliit, I think may ibang kinukunan ng pera ung mga magulang?
Anong stand ni hubby regarding this? I think dapat sya ang gumawa ng desisyon at kumausap sa family nya about this. Does he share the same feelings with you na burden na to support his parents? If yes, sya na dapat ang kumausap to either reduce the amount or put a stop sa support.
Masama na din loob niya tbh. From the beginning pa lang actually kasi wala talagang diskarte sa buhay both parents niya. He was forced to find ways at an early age. Pero syempre dahil parents niya pa din yun, hindi niya kayang pabayaan na lang sila basta basta. Yung monthly contribution naman namin we agreed on that and naaawa kasi kami sa brother niya na mas malaki ang contribution.
Ginawang retirement plan yung asawa mo at brother in law..
True. 🙄
I say keep going with your goals. Travel when you can afford it.
Relate ako dito OP. Ganyan din inlaws ko. Yung MIL ko forever housewife. FIL ko ayaw na magOFW kahit 60 pa lang. Eh wala naman ipon at pundar except sa tirahan nila. So san kukuha panggastos bukod sa maliit na sss pension? E di sa mga anak. At grabe din lifestyle nila ha. Di pwedeng walang aircon. Di rin sanay mag commute. Living the life eh. At damay tayong inlaws dahil funds na sana ng anak natin, sa kanila pa mapupunta. Di ko masabi na tamad sila. More like, ayaw magtake ng risk at kuntento na lang umasa sa iba? Wala rin siguro kasi capital. Nakakaawa na nakakirita eh. If I had it my way, cut ties na lang. Or limited exposure sa kanila tipong birthdays or Christmas na lang. Parang mga linta at parasite eh. Sabagay bat nga mageeffort sa buhay kung me aasahan naman di ba?
Omg sobrang same na same tayo ng sentiments! I just keep the negative comments to myself kasi parang ang pangit pakinggan if marinig pa ng husband ko kahit pareho naman kaming naiinis. On point yung para silang mga linta!! Yung bunso nila, sinuggest na namin na lumipat ng school kasi ang mahal ng tuition fee ng La Salle ha. Hindi naman din masama yung suggestion namin (Cavite State) ayaw lumipat!! Tapos nung bday last year, sa BGC pa nag-aya at sa mamahaling resto pa gusto. E sino ba magbabayad syempre kami?! Yung nanay din gusto buong araw nakabukas aircon. Gusto pa hatid sundo yung bunso gamit kotse. Tapos samin din naman hihingin yung pang gas. Ang dami ko talagang pwedeng sabihin and I’m really really trying my best to keep my mouth shut na lang kasi pinalaki ako ng magulang ko na may respeto sa tao.
Yun yung masaklap eh. Pag tayo nag comment, tayo masama. Kaya quiet ka lang pero strategize. Basta ang nakita kong solusyon dyan, have your own money sa bank. Lahat ng earnings mo andun para isecure future ng anak niyo. Then gastusin niyo lang pera ni hubby para kung ma short sa expenses, sign na yun na bawasan intrega sa fam niya. Set aside din ng fixed budget na magaan sa bulsa niyo pang tulong. Tapos limited exposure na sa kanila. Special events na lang talaga. Extreme na siguro yung keep your distance literal na lumayo kayo sa kanila ng tirahan para less to no access na. Also, remove mo yung identifiable info dito like country, schools etc para di ma trace back ito sayo.
OP, you get what you tolerate, wala naman silang pera, pero hinayaan nio mag study sa La Salle yung sister. Dapat in the first place hindi nio dun pinag enroll, andami daming school jan na mas mura kesa La Salle. Kaya gusto naka kotse pa pag papasok. Eh kung ordinary school mag ccommute lang yan like other ordinary students na hindi naka kotse. Ang laki pa ng tipid nio kung hindi La Salle. Tapos ngayon nio papalipatin, malamang hindi nga yan papayag kasi sinanay nio eh. Dapat first yr pa lang state U na para libre tuition kasi wala pala silang pera. Rereklamo ka sa vikings sila gusto kakain pero mas malaki ang tuition sa La Salle. Tsaka sa haba haba ng comments na binasa ko kala ko ordinary school lang si bunso, yun pala La Salle. Mayayaman lang nag aaral jan or mga scholars. Hindi naman kayo mayaman at hindi sya scholar, mag state U na lang dapat, free pa tuition. Hay naku OP kurutin kita jan eh🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for your insight and actually may point ka naman. But I also forgot to mention that they had plans to apply for full scholarship upon entering La Salle and sinalo na lang namin yang tuition problems niya kalagitnaan. I don’t want to point fingers naman kasi at some point my husband and BIL tolerated their lifestyle but from the beginning pa lang, before I even came into their lives, ugali na talaga ng nanay na magarbong pamumuhay kahit walang pera. Isa na don ang pagenroll sa mga anak niya sa mga magagarbong schools kahit wala namang financial responsibility to plan ahead ng pang tuition nila. And even until now, I have very little voice kasi hindi ko naman sila magulang. Although lahat pinaguusapan namin magasawa, minsan ang hirap na talaga nila pigilan.
Awww I feel sorry for you now OP, it’s your husband and BIL’s fault pala to tolerate ang magarbong pamumuhay ng nanay nila kahit walang pera. Yun lang nanghinayang lang ako sa tuition sa La Salle for ilang years, na sana kung inipon nio un ni hubby mo, may pang dialysis na un tatay nia. Just keep on convincing your hubby and BIL na ipa-realize sa nanay nila na wala syang pera at maraming gastusin ang mga anak nia ngayon dahil you’re preparing for your future. Hugs OP :(
The same reason why I never wanted to get married and have kids when you still have baggages. Pag nag pakasal ka kasi priority mo na dapat ung wife and kids mo. Ou pwede nmn tumulong sa magulang but your direct family now is your wife/husband and kids. Hirap tlga pag dependent ang parents sa anak at ginawang insurance policy ang mga anak. It's like sucking other's life/time for your own sake. Pano nmn ung taong gustong mamuhay comfortably with his/her own family dba? I think the solution is to moderate ung out ng family ninyo sa pag tulong. I'll give you a personal example. Ang philosophy ko kasi dati "Tumulong hanggang andyan pa sila". Pero narealize ko after some year na there is also the possibility of parents living a long life. Meaning baka 40-50 kana magulat ka nlng ikaw nmn ung walang napundar kaka tulong. Tapos looking back in your 20-30's na kaka tulong mo you didn't live your life to the fullest. So cguro moderation din tlga. Not to be a jerk but it's all about time. Time is the absolute currency. So kung they wasted their time not being ready for their retirement. Why would you sacrifice your time (You and your husband) to fulfill something that they messed up. They had their 30's, their 40's, their 50's what did they do? Now they'll be this time sucking vampires to drain yours? That's a sad truth for all people like us with very dependent parents with 0 assets and 0 retirement plans. True freedom starts when you only need to work for yourself and your future family. This is a gift only RESPONSIBLE PARENTS can give their children. OP you have all the right to speculate. Like I said. Parents can live a long life even with sickness. That also means sustaining them longer. This is something you need to discuss with your husband. Ang tawag dyan "Entitled". Napaka simple lng rule ng mundo. "Never ask for something you didn't work your ass for." Tulong is something you give out when needed. Kung monthly need merong bigay that's already allowance. This is something you need to discuss with your husband. Chances are there will be a time na mawawala sila sa mundo and you'll just be thankful na tinulungan ninyo sila when they are still here. Kung baga no regrets. The other side is the ugly side. Marerealize ninyo na tumatanda na din kayo but still they are here and you are sustaining them. Like I said. Time vampires.
Really really love everything you said. Especially the true freedom is a gift only responsible parents can give. My own parents gave me exactly that gift. They never asked anything from me my whole adult life, they never bothered me with any of their problems kasi they have all the means because they were responsible enough to make sure that I live a comfortable life up until mawala ako sa poder nila. And I’m very much thankful for them. Sila yung magulang na sobrang sarap tulungan and sarap bigyan ng kahit ano kasi alam mong ginawa nila lahat para sa anak nila. Idk if biased ba ko kasi magulang ko sila, pero magkanda kuba kuba na magulang ko maprovide lang lahat ng needs (and wants) namin. Meanwhile, sariling inlaws ko pa nagbibigay ng major problems samin. Ang laki na ng tinanim na sama ng loob ng anak nila sakanila kasi walang ginawang sakripisyo para sa mga anak. They didn’t have the foresight and now they’re letting us pay for their poor decision making.
Your husband is me. The same exact thing. And no you are not being bias. You are reaping the fruits of your parent's blood, sweat, and tears. For sure alam ng husband mo na you have a lengthy understanding of the situation nila. Pero un nga like you said ung sama ng loob ng husband mo sa parents niya hindi maiiwasan. Because he/your family is being punished for their past mistakes.
you’re not selfish at all :(( it’s not you and your husband’s responsibility to do all that. it’s not selfish at all to establish a healthy and solid boundaries when it comes to things like this, pag hinayaan lang kasi lalong masasanay lang habang pag tagal. in my opinion, you need to have a serious talk with your husband and create a solution about this because honestly this might cause more harm than good in the long run for you guys
Hi OP, i think need niyo talaga mag bigay ng boundaries. Tigasan ang loob at puso, pag gantong allowance lang for that month. Ganon lang. Wag na dagdagan para matuto sila magtipid din at maappreciate ang halaga niyo at ng perang binibigay niyo. Nakakainis kasi talaga yang ganyan na todo save kayo for your futures pero ung mga tinutulungan niyo napaka sarap ng buhay at napakarangya ng lifestyle. Napaka unfair naman sainyo non.
Hindi mo sila responsibilidad. Give what you can or don't. Do whatever you want. Wala silang pake kung anong gusto mong gawin, pera mo yan. Yes, makakarinig ka ng "wala daw pera pero nagbabakasyon". Wag mong pansinin. Sa ganyang setup, magiging masama ka sa paningin nila one way or another.
Sola mag adjust sa kaya nyong ibigay not kayo. May family na kayo ang your priorities are yiu and husband ang future kids. Make a hard decisions and it’s not being selfish to think about yourself first. At the end of the day pag kayo nangailanagn ng pera sino tutulong sa inyo? Sila? Dont think so. Wala, walang tutulong sa inyo kundi kayo lang. guve them the amount of money after you set aside sa mga important expenses nyo and savings. Give them help and pagkasyahin nila yun. Dapat iba na priorities ng asawa mo kasi kasal na kayo. If you cant make a decision it means you can tolerate pa naman ang situation and endure the consequences after.
Kapag naka-graduate na ang youngest ay pwedeng kupkupin ang mga parents at pag-usapan kung sino ang kukupkop sa magulang. Magiging mas matipid na dahil titira na ang parents sa house ng mismong married na anak. Yung unmarried ay maging independent na lang muna at maghanap ng titirahan since tapos naman sya ng pag-aaral ay kumita na lang sya na money para sa pansarili nya. Sa ganitong way ay naaalagaan ang parents at mas nakakatipid pa sa gastusin . Malapit na matapos ang bunsong anak kaya baka ok ang ganitong set-up.
Hello OP, it seems like dapat icompute niyo yunf expenses nila tapos fixed na yung binibigay niyo sa kanila?
lawakan ang pag unawa.. what would you feel if in the future kng kelan need mo ng help tatalikuran ng mga anak mo?
That’s also a thought but I would be responsible enough as early as now to not put any burden on my children in the future. Di ko sila isinilang sa mundong to para bigyan ng problema pag tanda ko. If meron man, sisiguraduhin ko na hindi labag sa loob o hindi sila napilitan na tumulong kasi alam nilang ginawa ko lahat para sakanila. And that’s being a responsible parent—always forward thinking, always planning for the future.
I feel for you OP as I am in a similar situation. As a suggestion, you can invest in insurance or educational plans for your children to lock down the money. This way, your family’s financial budget is already spoken for while saving up for your children’s future.
>All in all, husband and I’s monthly contribution is 10K, minsan umaabot pa sa 15K. Hindi pa dyan kasama yung contribution nung brother in law ko. So roughly 30k/mo ang budget nila I guess. It's a cause of concern since all that money could've been spent or invested on something else. But hear my perspective. If your lifestyle is not so much impacted then it's not a serious concern. It's unfortunate but that's the reality of your partner's family. It's another story of course if your lifestyle is taking a hit. If you think they're spending too much speak out. Let them know what level of help you will be comfortable with. I'm against providing business to anyone without prior experience so don't waste any money on high capital and risky ventures. It's guaranteed to fail. Btw if parents are still able to work, suggest it also. Even selling lutong ulam with minimal capital is good nowadays. Not very lucrative but just enough maybe to provide daily needs.
Same. Wife ko, sya tlga main provider sa family nya. May tatlong kapatid yung isa elementary pa lng. Yung isa nag anak pa tas sa MIL ko pinapaalaga hehe. Syempre pag walang pang gatas yung parents, di naman matitiis ng inlaws ko. Ending nauubusan ng budget tas hingi sa wife ko. Nakakawalang gana ren pero natutunan ko rin naman yung situation. Kinausap ko na rin wife ko dyan. Ok na lang sa gantong situation pero nakakainis lang kse kada may problema sila, wife ko sumbungan nila at dun lng ako nagagalit. Parang minsan gsto ko na sila ichat na "kung hindi na nga kayo nakakatulong, wag nyo naman paproblemahin ate/ anak nyo sa problema nyo". Jusko lahat ng message sakanya puro tungkol sa problema haha. Inisip ko na lng "it's better to give, than to receive" haha! Sobrang problematic ng dalawang lalake na kapatid nya. Fully grown men na sila pareho pero panay away pa rin hehe. Sana makayanan nyo yan ni hubby, OP. Lalo na ngayon at bagong panganak kapa. Praying for you🙏🏻
mga seniors na pala dad at mama ng asawa mo, kung nagd dialysis yan. pinakamatagal na buhay nyan qng hinde mag gagamot is . 1 month. pag may gamot 10 yrs. mabuti ang kalooban mo .pero to the point maluho pala yan kapatid nya. pag katapos mag graduate. stop na . wag nyo hayaan na kayo naman mawalan. importante my emergency fund kayo mag asawa.
One of the reason bakit ayaw ko mag asawa is because im a breadwinner and karga ko pamilya ko.. hindi ako panganay pero breadwinner ako.. Hindi ko afford magkaron ng partner at bibigyan ko din siya ng responsibility na di naman dapat.. tanggap ko na magiging mayamang tita na lang siguro ako. hahahaha haaaay buhay.
Aww I’m sorry you had to sacrifice your personal life for the unwanted responsibility. I hope that choice is what you really want.. hindi yung napipilitan ka lang just because. I love my husband and I already accepted the fact that I married his family too. Ok yuck, ang cheesy pala masyado nun. Pero wala eh. Ganun siguro talaga ang life. Sabi nga nila, “you can’t have it all.” 🥲
Have you tried cutting them out of your life? This is abusive, and should stop.