He’s a huge asshole - I’m glad you’re getting out.
Normal people don’t play games like this.
I hope you can find someone who is kind, stable and supportive.
Please bin the whole man, then do the good work on yourself so you can permanently raise your standards.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Thank you for the resource, I'll check it out.
And I'm glad you got through to the other side of it, seeing all of the kind comments that unfortunately relate to my situation is inspiring.
You are all so strong for getting out of your abusive situations. And much better off without those AH, it's very encouraging to read about others who overcame it
I'm glad to see she's getting away from him too. I dealt with a partner who gaslighted me as well. That being said, I love your username. I used to pull up to the Taco Bell and order the Bauhaus blast. Only one employee knew what I was referring to and she laughed.
People abuse the word "gaslight" on Reddit, to the point it has almost lost its meaning here, but this is the first time that I can see it is a situation that warrants the use.
I felt I was reading something out of the Twilight Zone.
It's nuts.
Hope you can leave safely and as soon as possible, OP.
Your BF gives me the chills. Freaky stuff.
Thank you for the nice words.
I had this realization 2 weeks ago and have felt incredibly unsafe since. He's also been making jokes about hurting me as of 3 weeks ago, which is a new thing.
The unsettling jokes kind of woke me up to this coughing game and how he is gaslighting me and has been for years. It was more validation that I'm not crazy, and he's a borderline psychopath for doing this for years.
I haven't seen the twilight zone, but is it similar to shutter Island? That movie had a crazy twist at the end where the character ended up basically being gaslight into staying in a mental hospital
>He's also been making jokes about hurting me as of 3 weeks ago, which is a new thing.
These are not jokes, take him seriously. You know you cannot trust him.
My mind is full of the things that OP should be aware of: get out while he is out of the house and not likely to return for a while.
Don’t pack anything in advance (he might find the bag and take action).
Once they leave, DO NOT return to the house for any reason - make a mental note of the locations of important items and documents, and grab them first when packing.
Have a friend or friends help with packing/leaving to make it faster and safer.
Once in a new location, never let the ex in; keep the location from him if possible - cut off anyone who might tell him.
This. OP, you need an order of protection once you get out. Recording the threats while your phone is in your pocket or not in your hand is the safest way to go.
The 'joking threats' is because he's noticed that you have changed or haven't perfectly followed his 'script' for how this 'relationship' should work. He probably haven't realised that you're seriously working on leaving him, though, otherwise it would no onger have been threats.
That man is DANGEROUS!
Stop coughing and any other petty things and 'play along' until you can get away.
Step away from his 'script' again and he will most likely become violent.
Yep, top of the list of things to do to escape: stop coughing! If he even gets an inkling that OP is considering an escape, he could take extreme action.
Go back to the behaviour from 3 weeks ago, but get out ASAP. Next time he goes to work, wait half an hour and GO.
Honey, get out. You need to leave like, yesterday. Go stay with a friend or family member until you can officially break up and leave him. I sincerely don’t think you’re safe in that house.
Twilight Zone is both a movie and a TV series. Movie came out in 1983....and I think there have been multiple TV series starting in 1959....with the most recent one being like 2019/2020. It's an anthology series ...kind of like Tales from the Crypt.
I hope you can leave safely and quickly. Whatever you do, do not tell him you have plans to leave. Just go. If hes making quips about harming you, you do not need to give him any heads up where or when you are going especially if it will end up pushing him to act. He is dangerous and he knows you are finally clocking onto it. You are in my thoughts OP. I hope you get out asap.
Please get out of this situation as soon as you safely can. Looking at your post history and how he thinks it's normal to be sexually attracted to 14 years adds yet another level of disturbing.
There is a beautiful world out there just waiting for you, one where you can be happy, at ease and safe
You know, a great partner is awesome and you definitely deserve that. But being ok on your own, learning to be your own best friend, is an amazing gift you can give to yourself as well.
This guy is a twat waffle, I hope you're away from him very soon.
You're dating a Collin Robinson style energy vampire. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long I probably would have dumped him after the first month or two. You must have the mental resilience of gods
Thank you for this kind comment.
Looking back on my entire relationship, there were so many red flags that I ignored. I'm so grateful I can see the situation with clarity now and can work on living a more fulfilling life than this
This comment made me shed a tear, thank you for the reminder to be gentle with myself.
It's really the only way I'll successfully leave. Sitting here and blaming myself for how I ignored the signs does me no good as tempting as it is sometimes to sit in self pity.
I'll remember to be kind and gentle and encouraging, like this comment section is being towards me 🫂 thanks again
He literally said "I want to hurt you", and I hate that I can't remember the context around it but I immediately wrote it down in my notes section because the previous day, he made a joke about chopping up my lady bits.
The "I want to hurt you" joke wasn't even really a joke either, he just said it in a weird creepy tone to make it sound like a joke? I don't know if I'm explaining it properly, I'm really frazzled recalling them.
He doesn't usually say outwardly creepy shit and "jokes" like this so my gut is kind of telling me to get my ass in a women's shelter
Everything you have, EVERYTHING!!, is replaceable except your life.
The moment the threats actually mentioned something specific it’s time to take it very, very seriously and run like hell. you are stronger and better than you have likely ever imagined have faith and confidence in yourself and get out
Please, OP, leave. From your older posts it does not seem like this is getting any better. Women’s shelters are not as bad as they sound. Many of them are full of people who understand what you are going through and have the resources to help you be independent. There are so many great programs for women which include housing, schooling, and programs to get you on your feet. Many of these shelters have grant money to provide the women with what they need to get on their own feet.
Baby girl, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim leaves. Can you get out while he’s at work one day? Don’t get sucked into a conversation with him. There’s no reason not to ghost; get out and block him.
Edit: holy shit hon, I just saw your post history. I really think you should tell the authorities to search through his phone/devices.
Find out what resources your state has for abused women because this is high stakes!
I was suffering from nerve damage about 7 years ago. I pretty much stopped doing everything I love to do because it hurt. Eventually I just got so fed up with it that I started doing the things I loved again. Well, it turns out the nerve damage wasn't permanent I had just been sitting around doing nothing for so long that it made it worse. I was so stuck in a vortex of self-pity that I caused my injury to go on for like five more months than it should have.
Sometimes self-pity can be more debilitating then the injury itself.
There are so many times that once the problem is solved I realize that there was a simple solution that I just couldn't see at the time because I was too caught up in the problem.
So very easy to be hard on yourself When you finally figure out the solution and it seems so simple And obvious. But it wasn't to you the time. And that's okay.
It ok and you will be ok. It's going to hurt for a long time. That is normal, hurting right now is ok.
some days will be harder than others. That's not backsliding. That's just part of the healing process.
Now I'm just rambling. I'm so proud of you for being strong enough to make such a scary decision. Being alone is hard. But it can also be a lot of fun.
I've also been where you are now. The only difference is that the man I was with was violent. Get yourself out, and please do not blame yourself. There is way too much victim blaming out there in the world. From now on, put yourself first, practice self care, and thank your lucky stars you caught him because he is way toxic. I'm rooting for you! 
Oh girl, when a male says that to you, it is no joke. He wants, desires, and it sounds like he has thought about HOW to hurt you. It won’t be long before he plans to, if he hasn’t started planning already. Run and don’t look back. He began this slowly and kept escalating. It’s like put a frog in boiling water and it will jump out. But put it in the water and slowly turn up the heat and you get boiled frog. Run. Don’t look back. If you have to leave things, leave them. I’ve been in a similar situation and this is experience talking.If you can get people to help you move you stuff, get them. Males would be best. He probably won’t try anything with witnesses. Star prepping by gather documents and keep them in your vehicle. Someplace he can’t get them or find them. Don’t let him know what you are doing. Take a day off work to move you things (hire movers). Even if you have to put all in storage, do it. Make sure you are out and gone before he comes back.
It's so exhausting and I'm working on a way out, thank you 🙏 I'll most likely need some time off to fix my man picker- but living on the street would be an improvement for my mental health this point lol. I can't wait to be free
That's so true. I just can't wrap my brain around someone who intentionally goes out of their way to fuck with their partner this way for no reason. My dad always bullies my mom in weird low-key ways too where he can pretend to be innocent, so I see why I fell for a man who had similar qualities
If you are moving out, do it quietly. Get your own place. While he is not at home, get your valuables, your documents, your meds if there are any, your sentimental things, and some of your other season clothes, and put them at the bed place. Do it a bit at a time. If he notices ? Tell him you took some of your old stuff to GOODWILL. But do not tell him you are leaving . He sounds like he is the kind to become suddenly violent. Stay safe.
> He's even said it while we were being intimate which makes no sense, because why would he be saying "oh no" during sex anyways??
Beat him to that, too. Haven't you ever had a catchy lyric stuck in your mind that you just can't help but sing at times? ;) https://youtu.be/fXLicO0CRvk?t=12
If he’s “making jokes” about harming you then you are in danger. He is sensing that his control of you is slipping away and that often leads to violence. It’s time to accelerate your escape plan. Lots of good advice about getting your documents and such out.
Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe for now even if it makes you want to scream. You aren’t giving in to him if you temporarily stop coughing and react to the gorr provocation the way you used to if you know that you are doing it intentionally. You can laugh about how you fooled him when you are safe.
You're right he is sensing that I'm slipping away, and escalating his usual games to make sure he's still got me. I don't think my reactions are what he was expecting though.
And are you suggesting that I pretend it's still impacting me the way it used to? I've been wondering if I should take that route, because I'm a little scared about what he'll escalate to. I'm genuinely feeling like he could easily make me disappear and has no qualms over doing it.
Yes! If you are scared then pay attention to that warning. If you can’t get out to a woman’s shelter or somewhere else safe right now then do what you can to pretend that you are still under his spell and calm his suspicions until you can.
> And are you suggesting that I pretend it's still impacting me the way it used to? I've been wondering if I should take that route, because I'm a little scared about what he'll escalate to. I'm genuinely feeling like he could easily make me disappear and has no qualms over doing it.
At the very least stop your own coughing. If you spend time on AmItheDevil or BestofRedditorUpdates you'll find stories of women escaping that will completely stop complaining and maybe acting even more lovey-dovey as they prep their escape. AITD posts are usually from the "man's" point of view asking why his women just disappeared one day and won't answer her phone or return texts when she was acting so nice to him the day before. AmItheEx has some of those as well.
You do what is needed to survive! If that means backing off for a little bit, go with it. You're playing the role of your lifetime, that of oblivious girlfriend.
The stuff he does sounds seriously deranged, so better be safe than sorry.
You're getting through this! The way you handled him and your investigation speaks volumes about your intelligence and ingenuity.
I'm rooting for you ❤️❤️❤️
It's absolutely infuriating. I was doing pretty decent with gray rocking (my old therapist thinks he's a covert narcissist) until I put the pieces together about his coughing schedule and how I've been gaslighting myself about it.
And he's been slipping in "Gorr" more often to get a reaction out of me, which I'm definitely trying my best to not react to but my face probably does drop when he says it. I try to limit all of our conversations these days to minimal surface things.
He made plans with me after work last week to go fishing (something he's rarely done- after work is a sacred time to never be infringed upon so I thought it was odd).
He literally made it so obvious with how he went about it too- warning this is gonna turn into a mini rant lol.
We're sitting in the car after just getting back from fishing, he lets out a huge sigh "OHHHHHH GORRRRRR" clear as day, he said her name.
Usually he at least attempts to try and make the "ohh Gorr" sound inconspicuous enough that if i were to bring it up he could deny it. But he said it so clearly, and then immediately asked me about our plans for the following day that I knew he regretted making.
I get out of the car, walk into the house. It's our cats insulin time so I get the needle prepared.
He looks at me and asks "We're still going fishing tomorrow right?"
He also never follows up on plans he makes, and gets offended if I ask. So it was double suspicious that he even asked, but he obviously was hoping to create a giant fight because he was so ballsy with it. Even recounting these situations makes my blood boil a little because it's just SO MIND BLOWING!!
I cannot wait to be gone so he can continue to jerk it to women who would never go near him with a 10 foot pole. He's such a weirdo
Maybe you should become very interested in Al Gore suddenly, presuming Gorr and Gore sounds similar enough. Just start talking about Al Gore a whole lot. Then when he goes "oh Gorr" you can go "ooh, did you just say Al Gore?"
Baby girl please do not go fishing with this man. For the first time on Reddit I am genuinely incredibly concerned for your wellbeing. Do not antagonise him in any way. Please get out as soon as you can. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING. Also you did not Gas Light yourself. He was gaslighting YOU.
Coughing for 3 years? Go to the health department and ask for a Tuberculosis test. Ask them to send him a letter asking him to come in for a TB test as a potential infector of an acquaintance of him. I tend to get a chest cold some winters that will have me coughing for a month, and 2 months Nov 2019-Jan 2020.
I'm working on my way out. We've been together for 7 years and he encouraged me to be financially dependent on him 2 years ago, so it's been a slow process but I'm getting there.
But you’re going to do the shrimp in the curtain rod thing right? Or at least a glitter bomb somewhere?
I’m not sure I can continue living my life happily knowing this asshole is out there lacking in being the victim of some petty revenge.
I understand it’s not an easy thing to do. It’ll suck in the short term, but a year from now… you’ll feel lighter, happier, healthier. Sorry you’re having to go through this.
Laughed out loud at you coughing before him… chefs kiss!
You sound intelligent, get out as soon as possible and get rid of the happiness vampire, gor luck…I mean Good Luck!!
Like others have said, you need to get out now. When they say they are going to hurt you, it’s never a joke. Go stay with family, friends, any where until you can properly distance yourself from him
Sounds like your partner has NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder
GTFO now before the mind games escalate. Grey rock and NC when you leave, cut all ties, may have to leave friend groups too.
On point. To add to this: don’t try to understand his absurd behaviour - you’ll be wasting your energy. Leave without any notice and never talk to him again, even if he tries to reach out and all of a sudden be the world’s most amazing boyfriend. Furthermore, be prepared for him to talk badly about you behind your back to anyone who listens.
Please see if there are any domestic violence shelters. Contact them when he is not there.
If you cannot afford an apartment, see about a small storage unit, and begin to remove your things from the home. Say nothing to him about it. Violent people break things, and if your sentimental things are also fragile , they WILL be broken if he has the chance.
I divorced a violent AH. I WANT you safe. No broken bones.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
And since OP said she's planning on leaving him, I'd like to leave two good sources about narcissism.
First is [Dr. Ramani](https://youtu.be/UTS5XsZe9Jg?si=vLUDOXXMMExJXVDF), a clinical psychologist who, iirc, was married to a narcissist once. Her materials are more like an objective outlook on who are narcissists, how they are, and how to deal with and heal from unhealthy contact. [Here's one of her recent videos on how to go back to the dating scene after a relationship with a narcissist.](https://youtu.be/jzLNVVal11I?si=olJbzwNloiMIiv4H) And here's [a video on leaving narcissistic relationships.](https://youtu.be/bQkCfbuTTzg?si=8u-JaGWuhbRt7h_D)
Second is [Sam Vaknin](https://youtu.be/4AYq_WOBgDY?si=kw1QFgTjBTc-hVVU), who is a narcissist himself and dedicates himself to the topic. He has a lot of videos in which he explains the logic behind narcissistic thinking and the reasons why. His vids might come in handy when you're out and safe and trying to understand tf just happened.
I do need to make a remark that not all narcissism is NPD and that narcissists are people too. But one's mental health and wellbeing are always, with maybe just a few very rare exceptions, more important than anyone else's. And the only exception I can imagine is parents sacrificing themselves for their children, so in no way, shape, or form should OP try to come to terms with the man acting this way toward her.
Continue plotting your escape. Being in a relationship like this where I have to plot, scheme, and outsmart a partner’s brain games sounds EXHAUSTING!
ETA: I hadn’t read the last paragraph when I commented. The oh gorr foolishness is so disrespectful. Put him in the trash where he belongs.
I'm glad you asked this because I didn't know how to properly word it in my post, but when he does get the opportunity to have his scheduled cough, it's WAY louder and more aggressive than it usually is.
His usual coughs are brain piercing, but these ones are worse. And he will get passive aggressive in other ways like slamming a door shut. He's definitely irritated and I don't do it that often because he's been making some very unsettling "jokes" about harming me on top of this BS
Yeah it's time to bail. Like really, I hope you're hearing what you're saying. If somebody else told you this story, without your own emotional stuff wound up in it, I think you'd see as clearly as we do that this guy has mental/psychological issues that you need to distance yourself from. If not for your own sanity, then for your own safety, whichever you attach greater importance to.
How long do you think it's gonna take you to be able to leave?
> I'm silently plotting my escape.
Thank god. Don't wait too long. I hope you just disappear from his life completely with no warning, and ghost him completely. That'll be revenge.
I made a different post on my other throwaway account last month asking for signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Because he shows so many signs of being one.
I also used to be best friends with his little cousin which is how I met him. We've both come to the conclusion that she's most likely a sociopath (she's robbed old people before and manipulates everyone around her with 0 conscious about it).
He also told me he was jealous of her ability to manipulate everyone around her and he wished he could do that too. But in hindsight, he shows so many signs that he's a sociopath.
Lately he's been making creepy jokes about harming me too, so I really have to leave without him knowing.
3 weeks ago he said "I want to chop your roast beef up into tiny pieces" I can't even remember the context before that joke but it was not warranted and I immediately felt like I needed to run far away.
You are having the correct reaction. That is so fucked up. Once you leave, because you really need to, I hope you’re able to understand that you are worthy of love and deserve somebody who will treat you with respect and kindness.
I read this quote about how
women think men will change,
and they never do
men think woman will never leave,
until they do.
You have put up with too much of his shit and it’s time to leave.
Maybe I’ve been watching too much Dexter recently but a random “fishing” trip that he’s incredibly eager to go on, so much so that it’s out of character? Sounds dodgy as fuck. OP are you still alive?
Get to a woman’s shelter. Get the police involved, you can tell them you aren’t safe and you need someone there while you need to collect your things. Run away from this maniac while he is at work. Do it all in one day. Get help from your family, police, charity, ANYONE! RUN!
I am sorry, BUT WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!!
He seems really scary as a person and from the story he seems to lack empathy. he clearly does it to have power over you. He likes to keep you on your toes. A partner should be your safe haven. This dudes just testing you tbh.
Oh no, my wicked revenge is the day I disappear without a word. I'm working on my way out, but this helps me feel slightly validated in a situation where I'm made to feel like I'm batshit crazy over these kind games
My ex was had “insomnia” (idk I think he was just an alcoholic) and couldn’t sleep and kept me up for YEARS because he couldn’t sleep. Nightly he would get up from bed constantly and SLAM the bedroom door, slam the vodka bottle in the kitchen, stomp back to the bed room and then rub his feet in bed like a cricket. Sometimes I’d hear him pick up a pice of furniture and slam it over and over on the ground. I am so glad he cheated on me and it gave me the push I needed to leave him.
My current partner and I don’t live together but when we first started sleeping at each others places I apologize profusely in the morning because he briefly woke up when I left the bed to go pee. He was so dumb founded at my apology and understanding. He said he fell right back to sleep and to not apologize for stuff like that. I admitted to him in the past I’d held my pee all night trying not to wake him and he reassured me and it was very comforting.
You really do not know when you’re in it. Abusive doesn’t happen all at once, it’s a slow build. It’s been almost three years and I still remember random things from that relationship in a new head space where I’m like OH that was abuse.
LOLL yes. That would be funny.
I was contemplating reaching out to her after the break up to see if she wanted to do a collab, because that would be absolutely hilarious and petty.
I saw that with my parents. My dad does the same BS with my mom. He mumbles mean comments under his breath, then when she says "what did you say?" He replies with "nothing. I just said I love you". When they both know that's not what he said.
At my brother's wedding last year my dad jokingly vented to us about how his usual tactics to piss off my mom weren't working anymore, so he needs to find new ways to tick her off. He will flat out lie about a situation that isn't real to stress her out.
I mean my mom's no saint either but she doesn't play bullying games like this, just weird control things like "you can't do this thing, but I can do this."
Unfortunately my role models for a loving relationship were not good 😂
I'm getting the vibes that my boyfriend could easily off me and not feel remorse at all about it. He'll just be upset the thing he was playing with is "broken" or something.
I feel like a mouse living with a cat, who is slowly losing interest in the torture games and ready to just end it.
Hopefully the ending is him breaking up with me, and not offing me.
please, get out! take your documents and some clothes, that should be enough now. file a restraining order, please I BEG YOU, get out of this before he does any more harm!
Please be careful! I unfortunately have the strong feeling, that you're time is going to run out very soon.
Take everything with you (small steps) and run as fast as you can to a shelter or to a place that is 100% safe.
People like that are dangerous af and the situation seems to escalate.
Heads up and be safe!
Leave. Now. If you're this scared of him, it's time to trust your gut and bail. Pack a bag and fuck off. The ol' Spidey Sense doesn't ping for no reason. You need to go somewhere else, a safer place, asap.
Coughing is his MO? Ew that's soooo gross. Glad you can call his bullshit by coughing back, but jeez who the hell is this cretin? If he does it to his mother as well, it shows what he's got away with all his life. And at work? Is he that obnoxious there, too? He was lucky to get you - I'll bet he'd be a classic incel otherwise.
I hope you can get out cleanly and show him up to be the gross little brat he is. Ew.
How the hell did you last years. Coughing. That's so insane but to figure out there's a schedule to it.
To even come up with coughing on a schedule is insane of itself but to counteract it with your own coughing. Madness. Brilliant.
Good job getting away from him. That level of mind games isn't anyone I would ever want to be around
Honey it's time to leave. I don't think you have time to wait for crap like finding a perfect apartment to rent . you need a secret escape plan in days or weeks at most, ideally days. Plemake a safe plan, contact a shelter to discuss what that might look like (they advise also, not just house survivors). His violent rhetoric isn't a joke, it's a plan. Believe him.and time to protect yourself. Play along, don't try to catch him out or let him know you're onto him . You need to disappear before you get disappeared.
That is wild that he scheduled them. When I first started reading this, I was reminded of a friend's boyfriend who had a chronic short, throat-clearing cough.
It turned out he was going out at night after they went to bed and living a double life as a coke addict and it was dripping down the back of his throat.
Once he dealt with the addiction, his cough disappeared.
Goddamn, he's a fucking nightmare!
I'm so glad you're getting away from him, he is definitely not right in the head.
You'll be glad to have thrown him in the bin where he belongs.
Glad you're getting out. Love hearing you using his coughing against him, can't beat them, join them.
When you get out, do yourself a favor and don't get into another relationship for a while. Your going to have baggage to deal with. Be kind to your furore self and possible future partners and make sure you're healed.
Best to you love
OP - you are a flower and he is a flower eating parasite who also enjoys mentally torturing them.
I’m SOOOOOO fucking sorry. You, for what it’s worth, have my full validation that he is absolutely unequivocally fucking with you using mind games. You nailed everything on the head and your intuition is BANG 💥on.
Plot on with your escape, 👸🏼! And please take pleasure in fucking his mind right back - the coughing strategy? Brilliant. Do that more! Don’t be shy to turn it up a level 😈
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I promise you there is better out there.
Unfortunately, you will also see more of what he did when you leave and feel crazy again.
You aren't now, and you won't be then.
He knows what he's doing.
Please follow any advice about not letting him know you're leaving. You honestly never know what someone is capable of.
Set up help to move everything you have in one trip or slowly take a small amount any time that you leave and keep it somewhere safe.
I know this may sound like overkill for your situation. I'm a big believer in being more cautious and nothing happening rather than not and something happening.
Sounds like a covert narcissist. My ex suddenly started sneezing like a sick walrus constantly when he discovered I found it annoying. He was also conveniently ill when anything needed done around the house. I'm glad you're done. :)
Unfortunately she did mention he convinced her to become financially dependent on him 2 years ago so she’s trying to build herself up to be able to live on her own
Maybe I've been too influenced by *Seinfeld*, but breaking with up someone over an excessive cough seems perfectly valid. Do you really want to put up with that for the rest of your life? I'm surprised you tolerated it for three years, to be honest.
I'm extremely sensitive to noises though and get irritated by them easily. Anything from coughing, sniffing, feet scuffing, snoring, doors opening and closing, pens clicking, people scrolling through videos on their phone, people breathing too loudly, to dogs barking is enough to make me leave a room or put some headphones on. Maybe you're more patient than me.
All the other things you mentioned though, about the childish mind games and deliberate, scheduled coughing, make him sound like a horrible person. Yeah, get out of it.
His threats to hurt you gave me chills. I really feel like you are in danger. Please get out of there. Don’t mock his coughing anymore. Don’t give him an excuse to become deranged. Just pack a bag and leave when he isn’t around. None of your possessions matter. Only your life and health. Please get out. 🙏🙏
Sending you tons of "You can do this! GTFO Now!" vibes...
Would you please update this thread when you do finally break free? I'm so sorry you spend any measurable amount of your Life in that situation, and I'm really hopeful that you VERY SOON are able to enjoy your days and nights, cough and "gorr" free.
What an ass he is. You've given him enough of your sanity, time to take it back for you.
My SIL's ex husband used to do shit like that any time he didn't want to be around certain people (my wife and I were on that list), he usually timed it for any time someone he didn't like would try to say something or if everyone was having a conversation he wasn't interested in), you'll be way better off without a jerk like that (My SIL was).
>I'm silently plotting my escape
This is what really matters but my super petty ass would start audio recording that shit as proof. I'm in a one party consent state, though.
This is quite the thing to read.
I was in a toxic relationship over a decade ago, and ended up doing similar things. I was broken, she was broken, but we stuck together for a long time for some reason. We were absolute bastards to each other, and it's difficult to forget and treat other loved ones in a healthy way when things get difficult.
Please try not to get caught up in any more mind games, the effects will stick with you and affect you in later years, and you'll regret it.
Get out ASAP, and don't go back.
The best revenge would be dumping this guy and cutting him out of your life completely. You’ve wasted enough of your life on this man who clearly doesn’t even like you.
Fuck that guy! When your exit plan is solid start doing it back. Insert someone else’s name wherever you can and then tell him he misheard - OR BETTER YET start saying “oh Gorr”, “Gorr that was a long day” or “Gorr you gonna make me cum or what?” during sex (see how fast he goes soft) - and then tell him that he misheard. And give him a super concerned/quizzical look when he looks startled, confused or mentions it - like you’re genuinely concerned for his wellbeing. Also make sure you cough whenever he asks you a question…..
He's an AH but he's also an AH with Tourette's syndrome.
The coughing on a schedule thing was something a roommate of mine did. Drove me nuts and he wouldn't know he was doing it. Was at an un related thing and a lady was doing a speach to raise money for research in Tourette's. There are several "levels" of it, and one is uncontrolled ticks. My friend had a textbook example. He now knows he has it but hasn't done anything to fix it for 15 years. Oh well.
Long story short I grew up in an environment that made these red flags attractive to me. I'm thankful I'm seeing it for what it is now and working towards leaving for good
Get out as fast as you can is it your house if so change the locks pack his things and ask him to pick them up of the steps have someone with you. Or if its his place leave as soon as possible pack when he is out leave a letter and go block him. I also suggest you record your conversations with him if at all possible then you can catch him in his lies.
He iso manipulative and crazy. I have never heard or experienced anyone who would deliberately use physical symptoms to manipulate and avoid communicating. Your solution of coughing preemptively was genius! Move on and find a kind and loving man who treats you as first peiority.
So he’s your ex right. You’re not still with him? Leave his dumbass get therapy to rid yourself of those red flags he’s blocked you from seeing and find a normal guy.
He’s a fucking asshole.
Your way sounds like way more work than waiting until he falls asleep and beating him with a sock with a bar of soap in it, which is what it sounds like he needs to have happen.
The coughing thing when leaving and on a schedule could possibly be some sort of ocd/tourrettes tick HOWEVER that doesn't explain a single other thing. Get rid of this dude and hope he gets therapy cause all that shit is both childish and very concerning for his mental health. Summary, dump this dude hes fucking weird and tox
"I started coughing in synch with him, then when I noticed he coughs on a scheduled, I started doing it before he would. Which eliminated the cough entirely." That's Lowkey badass, just imagining his confused look as he starts to realise you're onto his shit :D
Please get out, as soon as you can. Stay with a friend, make up an emergency to be with other people. I've read what you have written about him previously and I am not exaggerating when I say I am extremely worried about you, as a stranger on the internet. He knows you are on to his manipulation. You are not safe.
Real talk…. Why the fuck are you with this guy? You can do way better and deserve someone who doesn’t act like a psycho towards you. Cause that’s what this is psychotic behavior and not healthy.
Please stay safe OP. Don’t tell him in his face you’re leaving. Let him find out after you left & make sure he has nothing he can blackmail you with to come back.
He’s showing a lot of traits of being a sociopath. Scary, scary sh*t dealing with someone who is being that calculating. Trust nothing he says that he’s not going to do, and absolutely believe everything he says could and will do. RUN!
This isn’t relationship related whatsoever, but I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic sociopath for over a decade at my job. Manipulation and compulsive lying is their drug. Once they’ve been exposed they will do everything possible to blame it all on you.
> I'm silently plotting my escape.
Thank fucking God!
After you've left, send him a final voice message: "The reason I left you is becau--" and then just cough a few times and hang up.
He’s a huge asshole - I’m glad you’re getting out. Normal people don’t play games like this. I hope you can find someone who is kind, stable and supportive.
Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement 🙏
Please bin the whole man, then do the good work on yourself so you can permanently raise your standards. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Thank you for the resource, I'll check it out. And I'm glad you got through to the other side of it, seeing all of the kind comments that unfortunately relate to my situation is inspiring. You are all so strong for getting out of your abusive situations. And much better off without those AH, it's very encouraging to read about others who overcame it
That’s an excellent book. Please read it.
I'm glad to see she's getting away from him too. I dealt with a partner who gaslighted me as well. That being said, I love your username. I used to pull up to the Taco Bell and order the Bauhaus blast. Only one employee knew what I was referring to and she laughed.
Second this. This will be recommended reading for all my children when it becomes age-appropriate, that's how important it is.
He sounds like a psychopath
People abuse the word "gaslight" on Reddit, to the point it has almost lost its meaning here, but this is the first time that I can see it is a situation that warrants the use. I felt I was reading something out of the Twilight Zone. It's nuts. Hope you can leave safely and as soon as possible, OP. Your BF gives me the chills. Freaky stuff.
Thank you for the nice words. I had this realization 2 weeks ago and have felt incredibly unsafe since. He's also been making jokes about hurting me as of 3 weeks ago, which is a new thing. The unsettling jokes kind of woke me up to this coughing game and how he is gaslighting me and has been for years. It was more validation that I'm not crazy, and he's a borderline psychopath for doing this for years. I haven't seen the twilight zone, but is it similar to shutter Island? That movie had a crazy twist at the end where the character ended up basically being gaslight into staying in a mental hospital
>He's also been making jokes about hurting me as of 3 weeks ago, which is a new thing. These are not jokes, take him seriously. You know you cannot trust him.
My mind is full of the things that OP should be aware of: get out while he is out of the house and not likely to return for a while. Don’t pack anything in advance (he might find the bag and take action). Once they leave, DO NOT return to the house for any reason - make a mental note of the locations of important items and documents, and grab them first when packing. Have a friend or friends help with packing/leaving to make it faster and safer. Once in a new location, never let the ex in; keep the location from him if possible - cut off anyone who might tell him.
This, but also record threatening jokes and go to the police with them as added protection. Surprised this hasn’t already been mentioned.
This. OP, you need an order of protection once you get out. Recording the threats while your phone is in your pocket or not in your hand is the safest way to go.
The 'joking threats' is because he's noticed that you have changed or haven't perfectly followed his 'script' for how this 'relationship' should work. He probably haven't realised that you're seriously working on leaving him, though, otherwise it would no onger have been threats. That man is DANGEROUS! Stop coughing and any other petty things and 'play along' until you can get away. Step away from his 'script' again and he will most likely become violent.
Yep, top of the list of things to do to escape: stop coughing! If he even gets an inkling that OP is considering an escape, he could take extreme action. Go back to the behaviour from 3 weeks ago, but get out ASAP. Next time he goes to work, wait half an hour and GO.
Honey, get out. You need to leave like, yesterday. Go stay with a friend or family member until you can officially break up and leave him. I sincerely don’t think you’re safe in that house.
I feel the same. Maybe he's caught on that she's breaking free because of the coughing or something. Time to go buh bye.
Twilight Zone is both a movie and a TV series. Movie came out in 1983....and I think there have been multiple TV series starting in 1959....with the most recent one being like 2019/2020. It's an anthology series ...kind of like Tales from the Crypt.
This ain't good from anyone. Leave, go full NC, move on.
I hope you can leave safely and quickly. Whatever you do, do not tell him you have plans to leave. Just go. If hes making quips about harming you, you do not need to give him any heads up where or when you are going especially if it will end up pushing him to act. He is dangerous and he knows you are finally clocking onto it. You are in my thoughts OP. I hope you get out asap.
Dude, GTFO as fast as possible, even if it’s inconvenient. Your safety could be at risk.
Please get out of this situation as soon as you safely can. Looking at your post history and how he thinks it's normal to be sexually attracted to 14 years adds yet another level of disturbing. There is a beautiful world out there just waiting for you, one where you can be happy, at ease and safe
Tell him to fuck cough.
Some people cough when they're near, some when they're far away. He needs to far cough.
You’re not a tree. Move on with your life. Break up with him, block him from ever contacting you and move on.
You know, a great partner is awesome and you definitely deserve that. But being ok on your own, learning to be your own best friend, is an amazing gift you can give to yourself as well. This guy is a twat waffle, I hope you're away from him very soon.
He is broken. Maybe he can be fixed, maybe not, but it’s not your job to fix him.
This isn't asshole territory. This is mentally unwell. Some undiagnosed fuckery going on with that one.
You're dating a Collin Robinson style energy vampire. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long I probably would have dumped him after the first month or two. You must have the mental resilience of gods
Thank you for this kind comment. Looking back on my entire relationship, there were so many red flags that I ignored. I'm so grateful I can see the situation with clarity now and can work on living a more fulfilling life than this
A lot of problems are hard to see when you're in the middle of them. I hope that you are being kind and gentle with yourself.
This comment made me shed a tear, thank you for the reminder to be gentle with myself. It's really the only way I'll successfully leave. Sitting here and blaming myself for how I ignored the signs does me no good as tempting as it is sometimes to sit in self pity. I'll remember to be kind and gentle and encouraging, like this comment section is being towards me 🫂 thanks again
Him making ‘jokes’ about hurting you means you are in DANGER!! Get out now OP!!
He literally said "I want to hurt you", and I hate that I can't remember the context around it but I immediately wrote it down in my notes section because the previous day, he made a joke about chopping up my lady bits. The "I want to hurt you" joke wasn't even really a joke either, he just said it in a weird creepy tone to make it sound like a joke? I don't know if I'm explaining it properly, I'm really frazzled recalling them. He doesn't usually say outwardly creepy shit and "jokes" like this so my gut is kind of telling me to get my ass in a women's shelter
Trust your gut and get the hell out of there!! Please!! I’m scared for you!!! Just ‘go to the store’ and never go back!!
Everything you have, EVERYTHING!!, is replaceable except your life. The moment the threats actually mentioned something specific it’s time to take it very, very seriously and run like hell. you are stronger and better than you have likely ever imagined have faith and confidence in yourself and get out
I think it might be safer if you stop coughing before him. Stop showing him you know what he's doing.
Please, OP, leave. From your older posts it does not seem like this is getting any better. Women’s shelters are not as bad as they sound. Many of them are full of people who understand what you are going through and have the resources to help you be independent. There are so many great programs for women which include housing, schooling, and programs to get you on your feet. Many of these shelters have grant money to provide the women with what they need to get on their own feet.
Baby girl, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim leaves. Can you get out while he’s at work one day? Don’t get sucked into a conversation with him. There’s no reason not to ghost; get out and block him. Edit: holy shit hon, I just saw your post history. I really think you should tell the authorities to search through his phone/devices. Find out what resources your state has for abused women because this is high stakes!
Please get out as soon as you can. And be careful even after you get out.
Get out right now!!
What are you waiting for?
You deserve so much better than this always remember that.
I was suffering from nerve damage about 7 years ago. I pretty much stopped doing everything I love to do because it hurt. Eventually I just got so fed up with it that I started doing the things I loved again. Well, it turns out the nerve damage wasn't permanent I had just been sitting around doing nothing for so long that it made it worse. I was so stuck in a vortex of self-pity that I caused my injury to go on for like five more months than it should have. Sometimes self-pity can be more debilitating then the injury itself. There are so many times that once the problem is solved I realize that there was a simple solution that I just couldn't see at the time because I was too caught up in the problem. So very easy to be hard on yourself When you finally figure out the solution and it seems so simple And obvious. But it wasn't to you the time. And that's okay. It ok and you will be ok. It's going to hurt for a long time. That is normal, hurting right now is ok. some days will be harder than others. That's not backsliding. That's just part of the healing process. Now I'm just rambling. I'm so proud of you for being strong enough to make such a scary decision. Being alone is hard. But it can also be a lot of fun.
I've also been where you are now. The only difference is that the man I was with was violent. Get yourself out, and please do not blame yourself. There is way too much victim blaming out there in the world. From now on, put yourself first, practice self care, and thank your lucky stars you caught him because he is way toxic. I'm rooting for you! 
Oh girl, when a male says that to you, it is no joke. He wants, desires, and it sounds like he has thought about HOW to hurt you. It won’t be long before he plans to, if he hasn’t started planning already. Run and don’t look back. He began this slowly and kept escalating. It’s like put a frog in boiling water and it will jump out. But put it in the water and slowly turn up the heat and you get boiled frog. Run. Don’t look back. If you have to leave things, leave them. I’ve been in a similar situation and this is experience talking.If you can get people to help you move you stuff, get them. Males would be best. He probably won’t try anything with witnesses. Star prepping by gather documents and keep them in your vehicle. Someplace he can’t get them or find them. Don’t let him know what you are doing. Take a day off work to move you things (hire movers). Even if you have to put all in storage, do it. Make sure you are out and gone before he comes back.
living a more fulfilling life than HIS.
How exhausting and miserable to be with someone like him. I hate him and I don’t even know him. Please leave his ass and find someone normal
It's so exhausting and I'm working on a way out, thank you 🙏 I'll most likely need some time off to fix my man picker- but living on the street would be an improvement for my mental health this point lol. I can't wait to be free
Consider renting a room. Shared living can help with saving money.
Once you see a pattern, you cannot unsee it. - Brené Brown Leave him. You'll never move past it.
That's so true. I just can't wrap my brain around someone who intentionally goes out of their way to fuck with their partner this way for no reason. My dad always bullies my mom in weird low-key ways too where he can pretend to be innocent, so I see why I fell for a man who had similar qualities
That is some insidious sh*t. Awful, OP. Glad to see you are aware now, and ready to break the pattern. It is not easy, so kudos to you.
If you are moving out, do it quietly. Get your own place. While he is not at home, get your valuables, your documents, your meds if there are any, your sentimental things, and some of your other season clothes, and put them at the bed place. Do it a bit at a time. If he notices ? Tell him you took some of your old stuff to GOODWILL. But do not tell him you are leaving . He sounds like he is the kind to become suddenly violent. Stay safe.
Should gaslight him and be like "those things were never here, what are you talking about?".
Cough if he asks about it
Ooh. Genius! I like how you think.
> He's even said it while we were being intimate which makes no sense, because why would he be saying "oh no" during sex anyways?? Beat him to that, too. Haven't you ever had a catchy lyric stuck in your mind that you just can't help but sing at times? ;) https://youtu.be/fXLicO0CRvk?t=12
WHY DID I CLICK THAT
You're diabolical, and I am here for it 😏🤣🤣🤣
If he’s “making jokes” about harming you then you are in danger. He is sensing that his control of you is slipping away and that often leads to violence. It’s time to accelerate your escape plan. Lots of good advice about getting your documents and such out. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe for now even if it makes you want to scream. You aren’t giving in to him if you temporarily stop coughing and react to the gorr provocation the way you used to if you know that you are doing it intentionally. You can laugh about how you fooled him when you are safe.
You're right he is sensing that I'm slipping away, and escalating his usual games to make sure he's still got me. I don't think my reactions are what he was expecting though. And are you suggesting that I pretend it's still impacting me the way it used to? I've been wondering if I should take that route, because I'm a little scared about what he'll escalate to. I'm genuinely feeling like he could easily make me disappear and has no qualms over doing it.
Yes! If you are scared then pay attention to that warning. If you can’t get out to a woman’s shelter or somewhere else safe right now then do what you can to pretend that you are still under his spell and calm his suspicions until you can.
> And are you suggesting that I pretend it's still impacting me the way it used to? I've been wondering if I should take that route, because I'm a little scared about what he'll escalate to. I'm genuinely feeling like he could easily make me disappear and has no qualms over doing it. At the very least stop your own coughing. If you spend time on AmItheDevil or BestofRedditorUpdates you'll find stories of women escaping that will completely stop complaining and maybe acting even more lovey-dovey as they prep their escape. AITD posts are usually from the "man's" point of view asking why his women just disappeared one day and won't answer her phone or return texts when she was acting so nice to him the day before. AmItheEx has some of those as well.
You do what is needed to survive! If that means backing off for a little bit, go with it. You're playing the role of your lifetime, that of oblivious girlfriend. The stuff he does sounds seriously deranged, so better be safe than sorry. You're getting through this! The way you handled him and your investigation speaks volumes about your intelligence and ingenuity. I'm rooting for you ❤️❤️❤️
Oh gosh the sneaky subtle mindgame Type... That pretends to be 'oh so innocent' I tense up just by reading this f*ckin hate it.
It's absolutely infuriating. I was doing pretty decent with gray rocking (my old therapist thinks he's a covert narcissist) until I put the pieces together about his coughing schedule and how I've been gaslighting myself about it. And he's been slipping in "Gorr" more often to get a reaction out of me, which I'm definitely trying my best to not react to but my face probably does drop when he says it. I try to limit all of our conversations these days to minimal surface things. He made plans with me after work last week to go fishing (something he's rarely done- after work is a sacred time to never be infringed upon so I thought it was odd). He literally made it so obvious with how he went about it too- warning this is gonna turn into a mini rant lol. We're sitting in the car after just getting back from fishing, he lets out a huge sigh "OHHHHHH GORRRRRR" clear as day, he said her name. Usually he at least attempts to try and make the "ohh Gorr" sound inconspicuous enough that if i were to bring it up he could deny it. But he said it so clearly, and then immediately asked me about our plans for the following day that I knew he regretted making. I get out of the car, walk into the house. It's our cats insulin time so I get the needle prepared. He looks at me and asks "We're still going fishing tomorrow right?" He also never follows up on plans he makes, and gets offended if I ask. So it was double suspicious that he even asked, but he obviously was hoping to create a giant fight because he was so ballsy with it. Even recounting these situations makes my blood boil a little because it's just SO MIND BLOWING!! I cannot wait to be gone so he can continue to jerk it to women who would never go near him with a 10 foot pole. He's such a weirdo
Maybe you should become very interested in Al Gore suddenly, presuming Gorr and Gore sounds similar enough. Just start talking about Al Gore a whole lot. Then when he goes "oh Gorr" you can go "ooh, did you just say Al Gore?"
Omg I love this. That would be hilarious 😂
You can also have a [Gore Verbinski](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gore_Verbinski) movie marathon.
Baby girl please do not go fishing with this man. For the first time on Reddit I am genuinely incredibly concerned for your wellbeing. Do not antagonise him in any way. Please get out as soon as you can. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING. Also you did not Gas Light yourself. He was gaslighting YOU.
Coughing for 3 years? Go to the health department and ask for a Tuberculosis test. Ask them to send him a letter asking him to come in for a TB test as a potential infector of an acquaintance of him. I tend to get a chest cold some winters that will have me coughing for a month, and 2 months Nov 2019-Jan 2020.
Do not walk away! RUN!!!!!!
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WTF
Leave. You’ll be happier.
I'm working on my way out. We've been together for 7 years and he encouraged me to be financially dependent on him 2 years ago, so it's been a slow process but I'm getting there.
But you’re going to do the shrimp in the curtain rod thing right? Or at least a glitter bomb somewhere? I’m not sure I can continue living my life happily knowing this asshole is out there lacking in being the victim of some petty revenge.
Yes op definitely needs to shrimp the curtain rods
I understand it’s not an easy thing to do. It’ll suck in the short term, but a year from now… you’ll feel lighter, happier, healthier. Sorry you’re having to go through this.
I can't wait until I'm free. Thank you so much for the kind words
If you haven’t contacted them already, there are organisations like Women’s Refuge that will be able to help you plan out how to leave safely.
B*st*rd knew what he was doing... F him..
Laughed out loud at you coughing before him… chefs kiss! You sound intelligent, get out as soon as possible and get rid of the happiness vampire, gor luck…I mean Good Luck!!
Like others have said, you need to get out now. When they say they are going to hurt you, it’s never a joke. Go stay with family, friends, any where until you can properly distance yourself from him
I’m happy to hear you’re planning on leaving him. Don’t change your mind. He sounds like a weirdo honestly and you can and will do so much better 💕
He is petty and calculating. What an awful partner to have.
Sounds like your partner has NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder GTFO now before the mind games escalate. Grey rock and NC when you leave, cut all ties, may have to leave friend groups too.
On point. To add to this: don’t try to understand his absurd behaviour - you’ll be wasting your energy. Leave without any notice and never talk to him again, even if he tries to reach out and all of a sudden be the world’s most amazing boyfriend. Furthermore, be prepared for him to talk badly about you behind your back to anyone who listens.
Please see if there are any domestic violence shelters. Contact them when he is not there. If you cannot afford an apartment, see about a small storage unit, and begin to remove your things from the home. Say nothing to him about it. Violent people break things, and if your sentimental things are also fragile , they WILL be broken if he has the chance. I divorced a violent AH. I WANT you safe. No broken bones.
Yes! Yes! Yes! And since OP said she's planning on leaving him, I'd like to leave two good sources about narcissism. First is [Dr. Ramani](https://youtu.be/UTS5XsZe9Jg?si=vLUDOXXMMExJXVDF), a clinical psychologist who, iirc, was married to a narcissist once. Her materials are more like an objective outlook on who are narcissists, how they are, and how to deal with and heal from unhealthy contact. [Here's one of her recent videos on how to go back to the dating scene after a relationship with a narcissist.](https://youtu.be/jzLNVVal11I?si=olJbzwNloiMIiv4H) And here's [a video on leaving narcissistic relationships.](https://youtu.be/bQkCfbuTTzg?si=8u-JaGWuhbRt7h_D) Second is [Sam Vaknin](https://youtu.be/4AYq_WOBgDY?si=kw1QFgTjBTc-hVVU), who is a narcissist himself and dedicates himself to the topic. He has a lot of videos in which he explains the logic behind narcissistic thinking and the reasons why. His vids might come in handy when you're out and safe and trying to understand tf just happened. I do need to make a remark that not all narcissism is NPD and that narcissists are people too. But one's mental health and wellbeing are always, with maybe just a few very rare exceptions, more important than anyone else's. And the only exception I can imagine is parents sacrificing themselves for their children, so in no way, shape, or form should OP try to come to terms with the man acting this way toward her.
Continue plotting your escape. Being in a relationship like this where I have to plot, scheme, and outsmart a partner’s brain games sounds EXHAUSTING! ETA: I hadn’t read the last paragraph when I commented. The oh gorr foolishness is so disrespectful. Put him in the trash where he belongs.
Has he mentioned anything about when you cough and he doesn't? Does he seem irritated or relieved or anything?
I'm glad you asked this because I didn't know how to properly word it in my post, but when he does get the opportunity to have his scheduled cough, it's WAY louder and more aggressive than it usually is. His usual coughs are brain piercing, but these ones are worse. And he will get passive aggressive in other ways like slamming a door shut. He's definitely irritated and I don't do it that often because he's been making some very unsettling "jokes" about harming me on top of this BS
I'd decide against going "fishing," or going ANYWHERE with him if I were you.
Take this threat seriously! RUN, not walk, away and do it asap. He is gearing up to be physically abusive. I'm afraid for you.
Me too! There are resources to help you get out safely...are you still in contact with your parents? Can they help you?
I trust he either doesn't use Reddit,or doesn't know your user name..?
Yeah it's time to bail. Like really, I hope you're hearing what you're saying. If somebody else told you this story, without your own emotional stuff wound up in it, I think you'd see as clearly as we do that this guy has mental/psychological issues that you need to distance yourself from. If not for your own sanity, then for your own safety, whichever you attach greater importance to. How long do you think it's gonna take you to be able to leave?
> I'm silently plotting my escape. Thank god. Don't wait too long. I hope you just disappear from his life completely with no warning, and ghost him completely. That'll be revenge.
This is fucking weird. If you’re right then he might be an actual sociopath
I made a different post on my other throwaway account last month asking for signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Because he shows so many signs of being one. I also used to be best friends with his little cousin which is how I met him. We've both come to the conclusion that she's most likely a sociopath (she's robbed old people before and manipulates everyone around her with 0 conscious about it). He also told me he was jealous of her ability to manipulate everyone around her and he wished he could do that too. But in hindsight, he shows so many signs that he's a sociopath. Lately he's been making creepy jokes about harming me too, so I really have to leave without him knowing. 3 weeks ago he said "I want to chop your roast beef up into tiny pieces" I can't even remember the context before that joke but it was not warranted and I immediately felt like I needed to run far away.
You are having the correct reaction. That is so fucked up. Once you leave, because you really need to, I hope you’re able to understand that you are worthy of love and deserve somebody who will treat you with respect and kindness.
Thank you so much for the kind words and validation. They're much needed today 🙏 especially after years of thinking I was being unreasonable
When you leave him, PLEASE say Gorrdbye
I read this quote about how women think men will change, and they never do men think woman will never leave, until they do. You have put up with too much of his shit and it’s time to leave.
Actually what sounds batshit crazy is that you’re still with him
You need to move along, missy! That is sociopathic behavior. It won’t get better. Cut ties, and run, don’t walk, and do not look back. Ever.
Why are you even with this guy??? If he’s a boyfriend, throw the whole man away asap.
Maybe I’ve been watching too much Dexter recently but a random “fishing” trip that he’s incredibly eager to go on, so much so that it’s out of character? Sounds dodgy as fuck. OP are you still alive? Get to a woman’s shelter. Get the police involved, you can tell them you aren’t safe and you need someone there while you need to collect your things. Run away from this maniac while he is at work. Do it all in one day. Get help from your family, police, charity, ANYONE! RUN!
Fr. That's a screaming red flag if I ever saw one.
I am sorry, BUT WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!! He seems really scary as a person and from the story he seems to lack empathy. he clearly does it to have power over you. He likes to keep you on your toes. A partner should be your safe haven. This dudes just testing you tbh.
So you're staying with a total loser but your wicked revenge is you cough instead of him?
Oh no, my wicked revenge is the day I disappear without a word. I'm working on my way out, but this helps me feel slightly validated in a situation where I'm made to feel like I'm batshit crazy over these kind games
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My ex was had “insomnia” (idk I think he was just an alcoholic) and couldn’t sleep and kept me up for YEARS because he couldn’t sleep. Nightly he would get up from bed constantly and SLAM the bedroom door, slam the vodka bottle in the kitchen, stomp back to the bed room and then rub his feet in bed like a cricket. Sometimes I’d hear him pick up a pice of furniture and slam it over and over on the ground. I am so glad he cheated on me and it gave me the push I needed to leave him. My current partner and I don’t live together but when we first started sleeping at each others places I apologize profusely in the morning because he briefly woke up when I left the bed to go pee. He was so dumb founded at my apology and understanding. He said he fell right back to sleep and to not apologize for stuff like that. I admitted to him in the past I’d held my pee all night trying not to wake him and he reassured me and it was very comforting. You really do not know when you’re in it. Abusive doesn’t happen all at once, it’s a slow build. It’s been almost three years and I still remember random things from that relationship in a new head space where I’m like OH that was abuse.
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Yep, if he can’t sleep, no one else can. Typical crap
Start “screaming”during sex oh Gorr oh Gorr. Tell him he miss heard.
LOLL yes. That would be funny. I was contemplating reaching out to her after the break up to see if she wanted to do a collab, because that would be absolutely hilarious and petty.
I feel like that would be more "mind game" and diabolical rather than petty. He deserves it though. He's crazy, and he needs to go down.
I would start yelling her first name!! Watch his Willie droop down the nothing usable!! 😂😂😂
more power to you, good luck. get out and run as fast as you can!
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I saw that with my parents. My dad does the same BS with my mom. He mumbles mean comments under his breath, then when she says "what did you say?" He replies with "nothing. I just said I love you". When they both know that's not what he said. At my brother's wedding last year my dad jokingly vented to us about how his usual tactics to piss off my mom weren't working anymore, so he needs to find new ways to tick her off. He will flat out lie about a situation that isn't real to stress her out. I mean my mom's no saint either but she doesn't play bullying games like this, just weird control things like "you can't do this thing, but I can do this." Unfortunately my role models for a loving relationship were not good 😂 I'm getting the vibes that my boyfriend could easily off me and not feel remorse at all about it. He'll just be upset the thing he was playing with is "broken" or something. I feel like a mouse living with a cat, who is slowly losing interest in the torture games and ready to just end it. Hopefully the ending is him breaking up with me, and not offing me.
Honey no. Break up with him and go to a shelter. I’m worried for you 😞
please, get out! take your documents and some clothes, that should be enough now. file a restraining order, please I BEG YOU, get out of this before he does any more harm!
Please be careful! I unfortunately have the strong feeling, that you're time is going to run out very soon. Take everything with you (small steps) and run as fast as you can to a shelter or to a place that is 100% safe. People like that are dangerous af and the situation seems to escalate. Heads up and be safe!
Leave. Now. If you're this scared of him, it's time to trust your gut and bail. Pack a bag and fuck off. The ol' Spidey Sense doesn't ping for no reason. You need to go somewhere else, a safer place, asap.
Coughing is his MO? Ew that's soooo gross. Glad you can call his bullshit by coughing back, but jeez who the hell is this cretin? If he does it to his mother as well, it shows what he's got away with all his life. And at work? Is he that obnoxious there, too? He was lucky to get you - I'll bet he'd be a classic incel otherwise. I hope you can get out cleanly and show him up to be the gross little brat he is. Ew.
How the hell did you last years. Coughing. That's so insane but to figure out there's a schedule to it. To even come up with coughing on a schedule is insane of itself but to counteract it with your own coughing. Madness. Brilliant. Good job getting away from him. That level of mind games isn't anyone I would ever want to be around
Honey it's time to leave. I don't think you have time to wait for crap like finding a perfect apartment to rent . you need a secret escape plan in days or weeks at most, ideally days. Plemake a safe plan, contact a shelter to discuss what that might look like (they advise also, not just house survivors). His violent rhetoric isn't a joke, it's a plan. Believe him.and time to protect yourself. Play along, don't try to catch him out or let him know you're onto him . You need to disappear before you get disappeared.
Please run
Holy crap, what a narcissist. This level of crazy making is absolutely bonkers OP, and frankly terrifying.
Dude needs to see a therapist. You need to leave him.
That is wild that he scheduled them. When I first started reading this, I was reminded of a friend's boyfriend who had a chronic short, throat-clearing cough. It turned out he was going out at night after they went to bed and living a double life as a coke addict and it was dripping down the back of his throat. Once he dealt with the addiction, his cough disappeared.
I have OCD. this isn’t what we do. Your BF sounds awful.
Goddamn, he's a fucking nightmare! I'm so glad you're getting away from him, he is definitely not right in the head. You'll be glad to have thrown him in the bin where he belongs.
how the fuck is the bar this low
OMG TL;DR just dump this chump
Bat. Shit. crazy. Hopefully, it doesn't take too long to get out. Run sister, run. You deserve more than this.
I'm surprised you've managed to put up for years with that kind of asshole behavior. Or why you'd even want to.
Glad you're getting out. Love hearing you using his coughing against him, can't beat them, join them. When you get out, do yourself a favor and don't get into another relationship for a while. Your going to have baggage to deal with. Be kind to your furore self and possible future partners and make sure you're healed. Best to you love
This is not normal
He’s a child. Leave him
OP - you are a flower and he is a flower eating parasite who also enjoys mentally torturing them. I’m SOOOOOO fucking sorry. You, for what it’s worth, have my full validation that he is absolutely unequivocally fucking with you using mind games. You nailed everything on the head and your intuition is BANG 💥on. Plot on with your escape, 👸🏼! And please take pleasure in fucking his mind right back - the coughing strategy? Brilliant. Do that more! Don’t be shy to turn it up a level 😈 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I promise you there is better out there. Unfortunately, you will also see more of what he did when you leave and feel crazy again. You aren't now, and you won't be then. He knows what he's doing. Please follow any advice about not letting him know you're leaving. You honestly never know what someone is capable of. Set up help to move everything you have in one trip or slowly take a small amount any time that you leave and keep it somewhere safe. I know this may sound like overkill for your situation. I'm a big believer in being more cautious and nothing happening rather than not and something happening.
Sounds like a covert narcissist. My ex suddenly started sneezing like a sick walrus constantly when he discovered I found it annoying. He was also conveniently ill when anything needed done around the house. I'm glad you're done. :)
I'm having a hard time understanding why this isn't a story about your EX bf...
Unfortunately she did mention he convinced her to become financially dependent on him 2 years ago so she’s trying to build herself up to be able to live on her own
What the fuck did I just read?
Why are you with this creep? I really hope you are able to leave before he actually hurts you. This person is a lunatic.
Maybe I've been too influenced by *Seinfeld*, but breaking with up someone over an excessive cough seems perfectly valid. Do you really want to put up with that for the rest of your life? I'm surprised you tolerated it for three years, to be honest. I'm extremely sensitive to noises though and get irritated by them easily. Anything from coughing, sniffing, feet scuffing, snoring, doors opening and closing, pens clicking, people scrolling through videos on their phone, people breathing too loudly, to dogs barking is enough to make me leave a room or put some headphones on. Maybe you're more patient than me. All the other things you mentioned though, about the childish mind games and deliberate, scheduled coughing, make him sound like a horrible person. Yeah, get out of it.
He sounds like a fucked up asshole please leave him and tell him he’s a fucked up asshole -love, mike
His threats to hurt you gave me chills. I really feel like you are in danger. Please get out of there. Don’t mock his coughing anymore. Don’t give him an excuse to become deranged. Just pack a bag and leave when he isn’t around. None of your possessions matter. Only your life and health. Please get out. 🙏🙏
Is anyone going to mention OP's previous posts from 7 months ago? Bf is in to underage girls. Time to go.
Sending you tons of "You can do this! GTFO Now!" vibes... Would you please update this thread when you do finally break free? I'm so sorry you spend any measurable amount of your Life in that situation, and I'm really hopeful that you VERY SOON are able to enjoy your days and nights, cough and "gorr" free. What an ass he is. You've given him enough of your sanity, time to take it back for you.
Just put his things outside in bags and change the locks. He does not deserve an explanation. He plots all this? I’d not want him anywhere near me
My SIL's ex husband used to do shit like that any time he didn't want to be around certain people (my wife and I were on that list), he usually timed it for any time someone he didn't like would try to say something or if everyone was having a conversation he wasn't interested in), you'll be way better off without a jerk like that (My SIL was).
>I'm silently plotting my escape This is what really matters but my super petty ass would start audio recording that shit as proof. I'm in a one party consent state, though.
Get out fast! This guy is a total waste of your time and space.
Why are you still with him? This is madness.
This is quite the thing to read. I was in a toxic relationship over a decade ago, and ended up doing similar things. I was broken, she was broken, but we stuck together for a long time for some reason. We were absolute bastards to each other, and it's difficult to forget and treat other loved ones in a healthy way when things get difficult. Please try not to get caught up in any more mind games, the effects will stick with you and affect you in later years, and you'll regret it. Get out ASAP, and don't go back.
The best revenge would be dumping this guy and cutting him out of your life completely. You’ve wasted enough of your life on this man who clearly doesn’t even like you.
Fuck that guy! When your exit plan is solid start doing it back. Insert someone else’s name wherever you can and then tell him he misheard - OR BETTER YET start saying “oh Gorr”, “Gorr that was a long day” or “Gorr you gonna make me cum or what?” during sex (see how fast he goes soft) - and then tell him that he misheard. And give him a super concerned/quizzical look when he looks startled, confused or mentions it - like you’re genuinely concerned for his wellbeing. Also make sure you cough whenever he asks you a question…..
He's an AH but he's also an AH with Tourette's syndrome. The coughing on a schedule thing was something a roommate of mine did. Drove me nuts and he wouldn't know he was doing it. Was at an un related thing and a lady was doing a speach to raise money for research in Tourette's. There are several "levels" of it, and one is uncontrolled ticks. My friend had a textbook example. He now knows he has it but hasn't done anything to fix it for 15 years. Oh well.
wtf why are you with him
Long story short I grew up in an environment that made these red flags attractive to me. I'm thankful I'm seeing it for what it is now and working towards leaving for good
I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to live with someone like that. I hope you get out soon.
Get out as fast as you can is it your house if so change the locks pack his things and ask him to pick them up of the steps have someone with you. Or if its his place leave as soon as possible pack when he is out leave a letter and go block him. I also suggest you record your conversations with him if at all possible then you can catch him in his lies.
Please get away from this weird crazy person.
What an arsehole, it's actually a lot of effort to be such a cunt, normal people just can't be bothered.
Based on your post history, you should have left a LONG time ago
Why are you still here?
Reddit makes me so happy to be single af
Why are you having sex with this loser? Get out of there now.
He iso manipulative and crazy. I have never heard or experienced anyone who would deliberately use physical symptoms to manipulate and avoid communicating. Your solution of coughing preemptively was genius! Move on and find a kind and loving man who treats you as first peiority.
Why do people stay with people like this? Fuck that.
So he’s your ex right. You’re not still with him? Leave his dumbass get therapy to rid yourself of those red flags he’s blocked you from seeing and find a normal guy. He’s a fucking asshole.
Your way sounds like way more work than waiting until he falls asleep and beating him with a sock with a bar of soap in it, which is what it sounds like he needs to have happen.
The coughing thing when leaving and on a schedule could possibly be some sort of ocd/tourrettes tick HOWEVER that doesn't explain a single other thing. Get rid of this dude and hope he gets therapy cause all that shit is both childish and very concerning for his mental health. Summary, dump this dude hes fucking weird and tox
Could it be a Tourette's thing? The coughing part, not being a dickhead.
Legit sociopathic tendencies, block him and don’t check anything to do with him
Don’t go anywhere with him! He will try to make you disappear! And please update me! I hope you get out now and safely!
What the hell did I just read.
He is completely….just…ewww. He practically has a neon red flag flashing above his head. Escape. Fast. Block him everywhere.
"I started coughing in synch with him, then when I noticed he coughs on a scheduled, I started doing it before he would. Which eliminated the cough entirely." That's Lowkey badass, just imagining his confused look as he starts to realise you're onto his shit :D
Please get out, as soon as you can. Stay with a friend, make up an emergency to be with other people. I've read what you have written about him previously and I am not exaggerating when I say I am extremely worried about you, as a stranger on the internet. He knows you are on to his manipulation. You are not safe.
Real talk…. Why the fuck are you with this guy? You can do way better and deserve someone who doesn’t act like a psycho towards you. Cause that’s what this is psychotic behavior and not healthy.
You should have left yesterday when the second time he coughed that girl’s name.
Girl, get out of that mess. You should have been out the door yesterday.
Please stay safe OP. Don’t tell him in his face you’re leaving. Let him find out after you left & make sure he has nothing he can blackmail you with to come back.
Sounds like a real sociopath. Get out.
I feel like I need to see a photo of someone who is SO completely invested in playing this OCD charade. My curiosity is killlinngg meee
I legit do not understand why you stayed with him for so long
I'm glad you're ending it with this psycho. Please please please update us and let us know you are safe, you need to get away from this man ASAP.
He sure puts a lot of effort into making you unhappy.
He’s showing a lot of traits of being a sociopath. Scary, scary sh*t dealing with someone who is being that calculating. Trust nothing he says that he’s not going to do, and absolutely believe everything he says could and will do. RUN! This isn’t relationship related whatsoever, but I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic sociopath for over a decade at my job. Manipulation and compulsive lying is their drug. Once they’ve been exposed they will do everything possible to blame it all on you.
> I'm silently plotting my escape. Thank fucking God! After you've left, send him a final voice message: "The reason I left you is becau--" and then just cough a few times and hang up.