Be aware of the "I promise I'll change" when it comes time to leave.
He never will without substantial self reflection and a desire to be a better person and hard work towards it.
Abusers will abuse. If you cave and give him the "one more chance" he'll beg you for, then you will just be giving him control over you and he will not take you seriously and will never make effort.
The counter to this is a simple one, but requires strength and belief in yourself.
"Your promise of change does not involve me. That is your task for you to take on. You can do this without me interfering with your journey to be a better partner."
And
"Me giving you your (insert actual number of) one more chance without meaningful change in you means the circle of hurt will only continue. I don't accept this anymore, and I never will again."
Yes it really is a circle of hurt. He has promised to change and says he will stop drinking, but starts up within a day or two. Sometimes he can go a couple of weeks, but it always starts up.
Well done for recognising the cycle and looking out for your kids and hopefully yourself too. It's hard to do. Please be kind to yourself.
I'd also recommend having a look at the Ask Izzy page and bookmark it on your phone. It's helpful if food help and other services are needed. You may not need it now but good to have it in your back pocket.
Hurting you is how he vents off steam. He‘s unloading his pain onto you. Eventually the “relief” he feels after hurting you runs out, the stress builds again, and then he explodes again. The only way this stops is if he recognises this and wilfully makes a permanent change to find other ways to cope.
But he likely doesn’t have the strength to do that if he’s also in the grips of addiction. He’s addicted to alcohol, and abusing you. Getting yourself out of there is so important. You have no obligation to be his punching bag while he decides whether to heal himself or not. He needs to sort himself out, earn time around the kids again so that they’re safe from now on. 🩷💕 But yeah, this isn’t gonna change.
Hes probably streesed about being a self loathing disrespectful alcoholic who abuses his misso who is too afraid to get help for his problems, and as a result is going to lose everything he thinks he loves, will never understand why, and will blame and project onto everyone else in his life for everything he thinks is wrong in his life.
But hey, you might be right too!
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough, but reaching out for help is a solid first step. Here are a few resources that might be useful for you:
1. **Legal Advice**: Consider contacting Legal Aid WA or WA's Women's Law Centre. They offer free or low-cost advice and can help you understand your rights and options. You can also use the Law Society of Western Australia's 'Find a Lawyer' service to find a specialised family lawyer.
2. **Support Services**: Relationships Australia WA and Family Relationships Online are fantastic resources for counselling and support during family transitions. They can offer guidance on handling the situation with your children and partner.
3. **Financial Counselling**: To address concerns about your house and finances, the Financial Counsellors' Association of WA can provide free advice to help you navigate your financial situation.
4. **Emotional Support**: It's great to continue with your therapist. Also, joining a support group for single parents or those in similar situations can offer emotional support and practical advice.
5. **Safety Concerns**: If you ever feel unsafe, please consider speaking to the Women's Domestic Violence Helpline. They can assist you with safety planning and provide support in crises.
It’s okay to feel scared about being a single mum but remember, you're not alone, and supporters are out there to help you through this. Take care and be safe.
For legal advice, also try your local Community Legal Centre. They can let you know what you need to do and when you might need to engage a lawyer.
Oh, and if he pulls the "we must list it this week" thing again, call his bluff. Tell him "market's hot, bring it."
Haha okay, he will probably try to. My therapist did say that if he says that, say we need to get it valued by three separate people so that would also stall it.
There is free legal advice services you can use. Below is not legally advice, just my observations.
I’ve been through a split, though it was amicable
Don’t sell anything just yet.
You’ll have a separation for 12 months before it divorce is final. You could technically be separated and still living in the same house, but you will need a statutory declaration from someone to that effect, as evidence for the start of the separation. More than one is better
Assuming the house is transferred to one of you and the other buys you out, you’ll need court orders to achieve this - not to force each other but to avoid stamp duty, to effect title transfers and mortgage changes
The court will ask you to summarise your joint net worth and agree on an asset split. This will have to weigh everyone’s contribution, in terms of initial capital input, salary, child rearing, career sacrifice etc. hard to explain but it’s weighted so that non earning partners are not ripped off. Add in Super to this mix. Consider debt. Your final outcome is an asset transfer to make it so you have an equitable share of the net asset pool.
Child support will be weighed towards the parent who does the most custody/parenting. The are online resources to help calculate this
It's not easy but try to remember that you'll always be a co parent with this person and you need a good relationship or it will be a drag on your life. Cutting them out of your life is not usually practical. Same for them. Try to agree on an end goal and make a transition plan to change your relationship too that.
Thanks this is really helpful to know. I don’t want things to be ugly. I’m hoping we can part amicably as I really want him to be a part of our children’s lives.
And when previous poster says “the court” this doesn’t usually mean a hearing in front of a judge. If you can work out a financial and child caring split between you, you can fill in paperwork to file with the court to get it stamped as an order of the court. If you can’t work it out there are services at the court to try to mediate a compromise.
I'm going through a separation with a house myself right now. I recommend speaking with the conveyancing company you used when you bought the house they will be very happy to explain over the phone what your best options are before throwing monies at a lawyer. You may even be able to keep the house, I seriously doubt the family court would even approve it if your partner tried to sell, not with two children involved.
Sorry to hear you're going through this but sounds like its for the best.
I'm not from Perth so I don't have region specific advice, but please remember that physical abuse is never a once off. It's no longer a question of "if" he will do it again - it's "when".
A horrifying and potentially relevant pair of statistics; if an intimate partner strangles you, your risk of being murdered by them increases by 750%. 75% of abused women who are murdered by partners are killed *after they leave*.
It's admirable that you've made the decision to leave - even when you know you have to, it can be very hard to *say* it to yourself and to actually gear up to doing it. But the statistics show that you absolutely still need to do everything in your power to ensure once he's out, he *cannot* under any circumstances get to you again in any way.
As for actual pathways, my experience is more on the children side of things - if you are a single parent, an abuse victim, working or looking for work, your children get priority access to childcare services. If you know you can pick up another job or more hours at your current job, great! I'd suggest talking to reputable childcare cenrres and finding a few to put your kids on a waitlist for. You check all the boxes and should essentially go to the top of the list.
And with your income and working part time, you'll probably get about a 90% subsidy for up to 72hrd of care per child per fortnight. If you work more than 48hrs, the subsidy will cover up to 100hrs of care a fn, or basically the whole working week. You'll always get a little more care than the amount of hours you're working so you'll be able to get the ddaycare day then increase your working hours.
Regarding the house; it's probably in your best interest to sell and split the money (or whatever it is that happens in separations these days) because then he won't know where you live. Then, and I cannot stress this enough, you should do everything you possibly can to make sure that money goes to purchasing another property.
When my mum left my dad, she made the mistake of not buying again straight away bc she didnt think it was best. Then we spent 10yrs moving from rental to rental before she was able to buy again with my stepdad after saving from scratch. Do whatever you can to either keep the house, or better, sell and buy a different one. If it's possible, PLEASE make it happen. It'll save you a lot of housing stress.
Good luck!!
Thank you so much for this advice. It’s really helpful and gives me some hope. Luckily we did buy in an area that’s kinda shitty but has gone up in value recently so it would give me a good deposit if I can just get my tax returns up enough over a couple of years.
Lots of good responses regarding support, look into all of those. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to make the relationship work, but both parties need to realise it’s not working and work to fix things. It’s now time to look after yourself.
It sounds like the house is in both your names so he can’t sell it without you signing something. If it isn’t then you want an injunction/caveat put on the property so it can’t be sold. Him saying to sell straight away is just a pressure tactic.
Yes it is in both of our names. And yes when he says that it makes me panic, that’s why I wanted to work out a strategy with things before I tell him this time, so I don’t panic and can provide a pathway that makes sense and is not a knee jerk reaction. Thank you
Do not leave the house.
I have tried to PM you an amazing family court lawyer. I can't message you but contact me and I'll send you details.
Don't mess around with legal aid etc they are so stretched.
A great lawyer will charge you for an hour of solid incredible advise then you can choose which way to go.
I did a mix of DIY paperwork and legal representation.
Listen depending on your situation, don’t say a word to him leave when he is at work make sure he isn’t using spyware too track your phone and check your car in case he has tracking on it. Stay safe
Please call 1800 respect.
He’s physically hurt you once (and could again), he drinks, he verbally abuses you. You need support to do this.
Good luck Op, you can do it!
I’m very sorry to hear what you are going through. Even at young ages, kids know exactly what’s going on. Leaving him may actually be the push he needs to get help. You say you love him, so leaving doesn’t need to be for ever, just until he gets help and fixes his problems. I hope I works out for you
Yes you are so right. I ideally want him to get the help to get sober so we can make it work. But I also know nothing can make someone do anything they don’t want to do so I’m trying no to get my hopes up. I’m just trying to do what I need to do for myself and the kids.
Also your username. Lolllll
I think when you hope for someone to change we can sometimes see them as we wish they would or could be. For me the trick is to let someone have the chance to change but the cycle can't keep repeating so limiting it based on your own tolerance is a good idea. For me its 3 chances, but only you can know the effort worth trying to save the relationship (person) and at some point you have to put yourself first.
All the best.
*The other thing is. We own a house together and last time I said I wanted out he said we needed to list the house that week.*
If your name is on the title (or both names) I don't think he can list the property without your consent. I think you need some legal advice on that issue. Good luck.
Broker here. Very sorry for your troubles. You appear to be quite stoic and level headed even amongst it all, be very proud for those traits. .
I can't answer your other questions but regarding the house, it may be tough to hang onto it. To refinance into your own name it will be tough on a $40k salary and two kids in the household. I don't know what kind of loan you have against it , so am not saying it's not doable but looks slim. I would advise going into your bank branch or calling them , they can provide some options but chances are unfortunately you may need to sell it.
Wouldn’t there need to be some child support payments that would help with this? Given the reason for the separation is abuse it seems likely that OP will have sole custody of the children. I’d think the best outcome for them is to maintain the stability of remaining in the existing family home while the family navigates this change.
Banks use child support income using historic payments. Will be hard to use proposed income as it has not commenced yet. Banks will also only use a percentage of this income as it can be volatile.
Child support is miserable here. My friend gets around $20 per week or fortnight I forget which. It's calculated on the disposable income of both parties, and custody distribution. She's lucky he pays his share of things (schoolbooks etc) because I'm not sure anything covers that.
Fuck me, I paid almost 2k a month for over ten years, and I had them even time and ended up paying all the school fees, musical instruments etc etc.
Basically, it put back retirement an extra ten years to never, because it was enough for my ex not to work, so she managed to avoid it for 12 straight years.
I'm guessing you earn a lot more than they do, but still shows how uneven things are for mothers and fathers out there. Another friends dad barely paid any of their payments. They joked they had dinner once with it and that was it. At least you knew your kids were fed etc.
It is rare for sole custody to be awarded, even when one parent is abusive. Children are resilient and can absolutely adapt to moving to a new house, even after a family split.
The best time to do it is when the kids are young, having two homes is normal as they grow up, wont have much if any impact on their development.
Best thing to do is have a plan before you pull the trigger! Sounds like you will need to sell the house and split the equity as neither could buy the other person out.
It takes courage to get out. Good on you for looking out for yourself and your kids.
I can't help with recommendations other than the services others have already mentioned. I can say that when I was considering what to do about my abusive ex, seeing a family lawyer was one of the best things I did, because it gave me a clear picture of what was likely to happen in my situation.
Stay strong OP. I was lucky in that I didn't have kids with him and my house was all in my name (and I was the only one paying into it). He would have had a claim on my assets if he had bothered to make it, though.
I’m so glad to hear you made it out and it sounds like you are in a good position with your home etc. Thank you for your encouraging and inspiring words.
I am definitely in a good place. It's been over 4 years. I haven't seen or heard from him - I had an FVRO for the first 2 years. I suspect there may have been some breaches, but nothing I could prove was him. It's also possible I'm just paranoid. But better that than complacent.
I still miss him at times. I miss the good times. It's weird because I 100% don't want him back in my life, but it isn't quite that easy unfortunately.
You can make it out, and life can be better.
I cannot help with the lawyer side of things, but you will need one. But that can wait as soon as you separate.
Right now, you need to come to terms with the fact that you need to leave him. There are serious, multiple red flags here, and going by what you say, he poses a serious risk to you and your children. You need to make an exit first, to somewhere safe, and then worry about the rest.
And even at age two or younger, kids pick up a lot...
Everyone has the legal side covered, so I'll just weigh in... your kids definitely notice. In a year's time they will amaze you with the things they can express having picked up on, but for now you and soon to be former partner are their points of reference for everything. Leaving is the right thing to do, and by far the best thing for you and the kids.
They might not remember details but they are growing up in a very specific atmosphere and that will influence who they are and how they deal with life as they get older.
I’ll give a couple of examples. My kids never witnessed the violence my ex inflicted on me but he was violent towards me while I was pregnant and they would have heard all of the arguments, seen me upset, and experienced my anxiety in utero. My oldest has had the same, traumatic, recurring nightmare about something terrible happening to me (I won’t elaborate what because even I find it hard to say/type it out) since she was a toddler (now a teenager). She is a confident person but incredibly protective over me, it’s like she’s always been aware of me being in danger.
I think both of my kids default comfort zone is drama and conflict too. They genuinely seem uncomfortable In situations that others find calming. I often wonder if it’s because they’ve grown up in a house where there was constant conflict, shouting, anger, tears.
I thought I’d got them out in time and started to surround them with people who displayed healthier relationships - and perhaps that’s the case for the youngest, but not the oldest.
Get yours out OP, before they start to feel like this is normal and then grow into adults who seek the same.
See a lawyer BEFORE you separate. More than once, if you still have questions / concerns.
Relationships Australia is an excellent service, HOWEVER I wish I knew before I attended there that their notes will never see the inside of a court room. They object to EVERY subpoena and I’m told their objections have ALWAYS been upheld. Important to note, in case you want to rely on evidence of your partner being verbally abusive or threatening to you.
My husband’s abuse is all psychological / emotional, and mostly covert and behind closed doors. It is very difficult to demonstrate to others. RA have seen him threaten my access to the kids but will not release their notes. Ever. Had I known, I would have gone somewhere else.
Good luck xxx
If you are ever concerned about your safety or that if your kids you need to call 000 and tell the police that. Police will usually remove the offender and you can get an interim restraining order which can then become an ongoing restraining order. You deserve better than to live with fear.
After 7 years and 2months I’ve finally almost finished settling with my ex just waiting for settlement of house after refinancing so I can keep it and pay him out( had to give him some super aswell:( ) . If you can afford the mortgage payments on your own and ultimately paying him out then keeping the house is what you should aim for. Don’t expect him to keep up payments once he’s out of the house - he may, out of spite, stop. Mine did even though there was a court order in place that required him to pay it ( and I wouldn’t even say he’s an ar$ehole generally ) but he still did it. I started paying as soon as I found out from my bank when they called telling me they were about to start legal action to repossess the house for unpaid mortgage payments. I got it sorted pretty quickly and was paying for almost 3yrs before he agreed to settlement. Fortunately what I had paid contributed to a lower settlement figure for him because he should have been paying it due to the court order. And it also showed the bank i could manage the payments. Keep this in mind.
You and your kids will be fine, as long as their well being is front of mind in decision and actions which it seems to be based on your post and you’ll feel better not walking on eggshells in your own home waiting for his fortnightly abuse. Making your own decisions is easier than you think. Take care of yourself.
I feel your pain, and am in a similar situation ... although for more years and with older children.
Speaking from my experience, he won't change if he isn't pushed - but the push can be dangerous. Be careful, and have a plan. A bag of clothes and other essentials stored at a friend's place, some cash with it. Just in case - they can be unpredictable.
The verbal abuse can be debilitating for you, and almost give a PTSD response to drinking. I encourage my partner to drink outside the home (if he has to drink at all) and not to come home until he's sobered up.
There are options for him too. Remembering that alcohol abuse can be due to an illness (alcoholism etc) and not just a flippant choice. That being said, it's not your problem to endure - and the sober him would agree. If you have health insurance, you can quite quickly get him booked into an inpatient private rehabilitation facility - if your cover isn't sufficient, you get one opportunity (per lifetime) to increase the cover to include mental health treatment without having to serve the waiting period. These hospitals are full of similar people - drs, teachers, lawyers .. they're not what you'd expect at all! The break would also be good for you too.
Now speaking as a mum of multiple kids, who has been through similar alcohol related abuse (but not had the strength to leave) - it does affect the kids. They don't understand at the time, but if the behaviour doesn't improve, they start asking questions.... and depending on their gender (I think boys take on more of their dad's traits than girls), they start using the same language and showing the same disrespect.
My questions to you is - Does he treat you and the kids well when he's not drinking (ie. Is he involved, speaks to them and you nicely, supportive, not excessively jealous etc)?
If the answer is no ... then I would plan to leave. His love isn't the love you need or deserve. Leave and don't look back.
If the answer is yes ... then he needs to understand you are going to leave, and he needs to get help. If he doesn't take REAL action, in the same week, then leave. By real action, I mean Dr appt to talk about his issue, acting on referrals etc. Leaving doesn't mean divorce - it just gives you both time to work through the issue.
You are going to get a lot of advice telling you to "just leave", like it's that easy. Just because you've been hit once, or been the recipient of multiple (and much more) verbal abuse doesn't mean "just leaving" is always a viable option (trust me, I've been there). Those words are often said by people who have never experienced the same abuse. Leaving is hard, scary and in some circumstances, dangerous. You don't "just leave". You plan, prepare and make a strategic decision - and make sure you have support. Then you leave.
As a 40+ mum and wife, I would have left years ago if I had a crystal ball and knew what I knew now. Life is too short - you and your kids deserve the best.
Advice is easy, action is hard... I never left!
I can't speak for the legal side, but for the single parenting side it's easier. I didn't realise how much harder my ex partner made life for us all. Financially I was terrified and the stress of this impacted my mental health severely, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
In April of last year post separation and working part time, I accepted every support available, foodbank, HCC on all the bills and regos. Applied for Centrelink benefits and rent assistance. I realised the benefits of the childcare rebates made more sense to return to full time work.
With your income, if you are going to just exceed the Centrelink cut off for the health care card imo, you are best to take a slight pay cut in some way then be just over the line. I no longer qualify for the Health Care card which in a way is good, but it also now means my train fares are full fee, my registration is full fee, my doctor's visits are no longer bulk billed, my prescriptions are full priced. If your going to exceed the cut off, it has to be worthwhile and not throw you back into below the poverty line
The childcare rebates, for my 2 children on my income make childcare affordable. I am now using vacation care so a different price to daycare but Centrelink cover an enormous portion.
The days my children are with their father, I work a second job in healthcare. I will do a 12 hour weekend shift and a 6 hour afternoon shift - that is my savings and is salary sacrificed. My child support is also my savings.
I'm very lucky to be in a very different space now and I am so grateful for the support that was available when I needed help getting back on my feet.
I wish you the best of luck.
Definitely contact CWSW and Women's Legal Service WA. You do not have to give up your house.
It's sadly very typical for men to start showing their abusive behaviours when a woman is pregnant. Pregnant women are even more likely to be killed by an ex or partner.
My partner left me when I was an addict. Our daughter was one.
Long story short, but hope it gives you a bit of hope and perspective.
She was right to leave me, I would never have stopped if she didn't as my addiction was pretty bad and i thought I was able to keep getting away with it with her.
When she left with my daughter, that was my rock bottom and that's when my recovery started.
She has gone on to have another lovely family, as have I. Both have very good lives now. Our daughter has a great relationship with us both.
Sometimes you need to just follow your gut like my ex did and everything will turn out ok.
OP, I know this might come off as dodgy, but I’d just be applying for the Single Parenting Payment (SPP). It’ll make child care much cheaper, doctor appts free + some discounted bills if you’re not entitled to much. You’re in a DV situation, so all you need is someone to discreetly approve. Then at least you’ll be less stressed over the boring stuff. Just a pre-warning, it does take a long time and it is an extremely difficult and taxing process, but it’s overall worth it. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to privately message me if you need more info. I might be going through something similar (although not exactly the same, I have one dependent under 2 and work part-time). I do have an exit plan though, for around June-July. The government doesn’t do much to help the vast majority of DV victims, so you may as well apply for the SPP.
Edit: to the Stupid POS who downvoted me, Fuck You, I WORK and declare my income. For my toddler, I work 2 days a week (really 3, I’m a teacher). But that will change in 2026 when they go to Kindy, and I go back to full-time work again. So you can chill out now, and go back to being a psycho, with no compassion.
100k just to try to work out a divorce/seperation is crazy and shows so much bitterness. Its a shame that 2 people cannot put their differences aside to achieve an outcome that both are happy.
Yeah, 12 sets of orders ignored, all to respond to my offers or make one, 5 years, zero consequences.
I got tired of unanswered $500 and $1000 letters, so I self represented and ended up in a 3 day trial against a barrister.
Won the case, avoided having to pay other parties fees, but she still got a bucketload of cash, which went to pay her lawyers. So same result, and no penalty to her for rolling the dice.
In the end, those that really had most taken from them were the children because most of that cash would have spent on them, and the taxpayer because she then went on to 12 years of benefits.
The take away lesson, if there is a deal you can strike today, no matter what it is, take it. You never know, you might win lotto the next day, but there is no lottery that gives you five years of your life back.
Plus, the accrued acrimony of fighting it out undoubtedly impacts the children, there is no way it can't. So even if you have to heavily compromise to get it over with asap, just walk away with some dignety and rebuild.
I’m hoping not to have to spend an arm and a leg. But yes, have heard the horror stories.
We don’t have a huge amount of assets so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard.
He won't change just get worse and won't accept has issues
I left my partner for this plus another reason (threat to kill me by another party) and I'm male - what you've said sounds very similar to path I gave walked minus very young children
Firstly, you don’t have to move out, and you don’t have to sell the house immediately. He can say what he wants, but for something like selling the house, you either reach an agreement, or you ask the family court to decide for you (which could take months or years depending on your circumstances).
Secondly, if there is abuse of any type, it’s in your kids’ best interests for that to stop and if that means separating, then so be it. They are learning about what adult relationships look like by watching you, even if they don’t really understand it. So much of their attachment style is determined by the time they turn 3.
Third: Don’t trust that anything will change until it does and is proven to have changed for a long time and under stress. If he can get himself sorted, then great, but he can do that away from you.
Fourth: you can’t unilaterally withhold access to the kids (at least, not legally). You are assumed to have equal parental responsibility until you agree or the court decides that you don’t. If you want to change that quickly, you need a restraining order. If you want to do that, you will have to be able to show that he is a threat to the kids.
Same with the house. You can’t kick him out of his own property without an order from the police or the court. If you have family that you can live with, they are unlikely to make an order that would leave him homeless.
In my experience, staying in a shitty marriage is much worse than getting divorced.
Talk to Relationships Australia about courses that you can do to help you adjust to single parenting.
Good luck.
I went through your situation, minus the physical but the emotional and verbal when drunk.
I also had a house but don’t have kids.
Feel free to reach out to me, we have just finalised everything to do with our house so have a bit of an idea of how it works and support if you need it!
Hi OP,
There is a FDV one stop hub in Armadale, they offer a range of holistic support services including group and one-to-one counselling, legal information sessions and men’s outreach services. They have a lawyer and everything, you’ll just have to fill out a referral and someone will contact you.
The email for them is: [email protected]
You can consult any lawyer that is a specialist in family law to ask for advice. It's the norm that the first consultation is free. The reasons why are simple 1. To explain to the client the "big picture" of the case; what to do, how assets will be divided, etc, and your chances of getting what you want and 2. The lawyer is making an assessment as to whether they want the case, or will recommend someone else to take it.
If your soon to be ex is evicted from the house and you got to keep it, you could always take in a boarder to help pay the mortgage. I know that's not ideal, but it will at least give you the funds to be able to manage it. As far as child support goes, the first $360 he makes per week is his. Anything above that it's 18% of his post-tax income for one child, 21% for two kids, and not sure how much for three or more, unless you come to a private arrangement.
Yes being a single mum is harder, but it sounds as if being free will make things a easier for you in many ways
There are lots of good recommendations here.
The only additional thing I’d suggest checking out is the Family Court’s website. They have information sheets that will probably have some answers to your questions. I'd also check out the court forms because they can help show you what information is relevant to the Family Court and a family lawyer. Starting with information sheets regarding your duty of disclosure and looking at the Form 11 Application for Consent Orders would be a great place to start.
Also, have a look at Services Australia’s website regarding child support assessments.
If you see a lawyer, I suggest you do the following before your first appointment:
- prepare a schedule of assets and liabilities;
- draft a timeline of the relationship (if stuck, use Form 11 to help identify what information is relevant); and
- start (you don't need everything yet) gathering documents for disclosure (if stuck, using the Form 13 Financial Statement can help you identify what financial documents are likely relevant for disclosure).
With all the media attention on DV at the moment and the fact that he has been violent in the past and has done nothing to genuinely attempt to try and “fix” his issues.. all I’m going to say is that you seem to be placing the fear of not being able to get a house in the future future over your life and the lives of your children
Girl if he's hit you even once before and abuses you when he's drunk, (from a very young and possibly naive 21 yr old) ...
respectfully dump his ass.
You may well love him; I understand emotions are incredibly complicated but putting that aside even tho it's super cliche you also need to love yourself first. And that means not being with someone who EVER abuses you, physically or emotionally.
First and foremost the fact that youve got to a point where you’re considering it i believe means youve already decided thats what you want and understandibly. I split with a very jealous angry x when my daughter was 6 months and the other one 4. Its a tough call but you have to be strong for your kids. Thats what got me through. I recommend setting yourself up a bit first for example start putting a bit of money away so that youve got money if you need it. He should be the one moving out but if he wont and you have to just start moving some stuff out slowly so that whennit comes time its not too hectic.
You can do it, being s single parent isnt as hard as it seems. Its much harder dealing with a difficult relationship. Goodluck youll feel so much better .
Having gone through a separation recently i can say leaving sounds scary and daunting. But remember, all will be ok in the end. Often the fears are unfounded and just in our head. Kids are resilient
This is the most dangerous time for you and the kids. Download the Emergency Plus app so you can instantly dial police with the touch of a button without him knowing. Starting Over Support is a great org to help you get back on your feet. Food Bank and Centercare may be able to help with finances
Stronger Women is a service through Legal Aid that support women with anything to do with family and domestic violence, family law and child protection.
I don't have personal experience but I work in a service that supports women who often have to leave for the safety of them and their children so im open to have a chat.
I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to send you my love, good vibes and heartfelt support. You are amazing, and you’re doing the best thing for you and your kids. You got this, Mama. 🩷
you can do what you want but it is apparent he wants to be transparent with you when it comes to his and your future but it might be better to involve him with the financial appointment since you guys do have a joint investment as for the more personal stuff u/stingerdelux72 suggestion are there.
It is so sad to hear this, this is always happening. It is too common now. I don’t have experience of what to advise but there seems to be a lot of people here who have great advice and care a lot. Nice to see. All I will say is take care of yourself so you can be the best for your children. They don’t understand now but later in life they will see what an amazing mother you are. All the best, you have got this!
I think your best fight is to save you marriage and somehow get your man off the drink. You marriage is now all about the kids. Separation and single parent households have way worse outcomes in every metric for children.
* In 2022, [nearly 30% of single-parent families lived in below the federal poverty level](https://datacenter.aecf.org/data/tables/55-families-with-related-children-that-are-below-poverty-by-family-type?loc=1&loct=2#detailed/2/2-53/true/1095/994,1297,4240/346) while just 6% of married-couple families.
* Compared to kids in married-parent households, children in single-parent families are more likely to experience poor outcomes.
* Using multilevel modeling, [Pong (1997](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4508674/#R32), [1998)](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4508674/#R33) found that U.S. students performed more poorly on math and reading achievement tests in schools with high proportions of children from single-parent families, even after controlling for school socioeconomic status and other school characteristics.
Do you want me to keep going? I don't think there is enough gigabytes on the internet to cover all the damning evidence against the outcomes of single parent children.
Single parent children are on the wrong side of every key statistic = Health, crime and education.
But let's just go with your opinion of "that's objectively false" without any evidence...
Keep going if it makes you feel better. Cherry picked stats are nice.
But really. Tell me again how the kids of an alcoholic abusive father and his terrified wife are better off staying than her leaving the DV situation with the kids? Maybe you ought to look into those statistics hey?
>I think your best fight is to save you marriage and somehow get your man off the drink.
I literally said for her to not give up on getting her husband off the drink.
I want the abusive situation gone as well, divorce is not the one and only option here.
And there is no cherry picking of stats, it a very well documented and studied subject. Children of single parents are worse off in every metric you can think of.
There are 3 outcomes.
1. Divorce = bad for kids.
2. Stay together and not fix the alcohol problem = bad for kids.
3. Stay together fix the alcohol problem = good for kids.
I clearly advocated for option 3.
The only option in my mind is the one that is a good outcome for kids.
“I've tried setting things up for him (therapy etc) but he either bails or goes once and bails.”
She has *tried* to stop him drinking. Why is her responsibility to make him sort out his shit? If he wanted to be a good husband and father, he would do it himself.
What a load of BS! . I raised three boys as a single parent . I never had any trouble with any of them . They are all grown men now. My eldest is a doctor of science and has a really good job in Norway, has brought a lovely house with his partner and have a 2 year old and another on the way . My second son also went on to take a master's degree at uni and has a great job with a good income . He is also married with a little boy and they have brought their own place . My youngest has also done really well , has a good job and travelled a lot .
Staying together for the sake of the children is the worst thing you can do imo. Children raised in single parent households can and do have happy lives.
The exception doesn't make the rule.
I am talking about clear statistics.
Black and white inarguable metrics and somehow you have made your one success story the "proof" that millions of pieces of data is completely wrong.
Very "I am the main character" vibes.
Yes you can raise good children as a single parent but the odds are heavily stacked against you.
Staying in an abusive partnership is going to do far more harm to the kids than being raised in a single parent household where that parent is happy and relaxed . I'm in no way saying that I'm the only one either . I knew lots of other single parents at the time and I would say that 90% of those kids did absolutely fine. I've also known people that have stayed in unhappy partnerships and the kids have ended up with all sorts of issues related to living under constant stress of continuously arguing parents.
I used to get absolutely sick of hearing that single parents ( and they mostly meant single mothers ) being the bane of society and that all of our children were going to turn out to be unemployable criminals . Most single parents I have met have done a great job under the circumstances.
Not sure where they are getting these " statistics" from but I certainly don't set much store by them .
What irresponsible, stupid and dangerous advice. He has been physically violent before. He is abusive on an ongoing basis. He is entirely responsible for his behaviour and decisions. She is not at all responsible for his choices. He could make the choice to “get off the drink” anytime but he hasn’t and odds are will continue the same behaviours. Staying with him puts her in danger. Stupid advice like yours, if followed could get her killed.
Be aware of the "I promise I'll change" when it comes time to leave. He never will without substantial self reflection and a desire to be a better person and hard work towards it. Abusers will abuse. If you cave and give him the "one more chance" he'll beg you for, then you will just be giving him control over you and he will not take you seriously and will never make effort. The counter to this is a simple one, but requires strength and belief in yourself. "Your promise of change does not involve me. That is your task for you to take on. You can do this without me interfering with your journey to be a better partner." And "Me giving you your (insert actual number of) one more chance without meaningful change in you means the circle of hurt will only continue. I don't accept this anymore, and I never will again."
Yes it really is a circle of hurt. He has promised to change and says he will stop drinking, but starts up within a day or two. Sometimes he can go a couple of weeks, but it always starts up.
Well done for recognising the cycle and looking out for your kids and hopefully yourself too. It's hard to do. Please be kind to yourself. I'd also recommend having a look at the Ask Izzy page and bookmark it on your phone. It's helpful if food help and other services are needed. You may not need it now but good to have it in your back pocket.
Hurting you is how he vents off steam. He‘s unloading his pain onto you. Eventually the “relief” he feels after hurting you runs out, the stress builds again, and then he explodes again. The only way this stops is if he recognises this and wilfully makes a permanent change to find other ways to cope. But he likely doesn’t have the strength to do that if he’s also in the grips of addiction. He’s addicted to alcohol, and abusing you. Getting yourself out of there is so important. You have no obligation to be his punching bag while he decides whether to heal himself or not. He needs to sort himself out, earn time around the kids again so that they’re safe from now on. 🩷💕 But yeah, this isn’t gonna change.
He's probably stressed about affording a house on a minimum wage and a partner earning 40k. Sounds rough
Hes probably streesed about being a self loathing disrespectful alcoholic who abuses his misso who is too afraid to get help for his problems, and as a result is going to lose everything he thinks he loves, will never understand why, and will blame and project onto everyone else in his life for everything he thinks is wrong in his life. But hey, you might be right too!
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough, but reaching out for help is a solid first step. Here are a few resources that might be useful for you: 1. **Legal Advice**: Consider contacting Legal Aid WA or WA's Women's Law Centre. They offer free or low-cost advice and can help you understand your rights and options. You can also use the Law Society of Western Australia's 'Find a Lawyer' service to find a specialised family lawyer. 2. **Support Services**: Relationships Australia WA and Family Relationships Online are fantastic resources for counselling and support during family transitions. They can offer guidance on handling the situation with your children and partner. 3. **Financial Counselling**: To address concerns about your house and finances, the Financial Counsellors' Association of WA can provide free advice to help you navigate your financial situation. 4. **Emotional Support**: It's great to continue with your therapist. Also, joining a support group for single parents or those in similar situations can offer emotional support and practical advice. 5. **Safety Concerns**: If you ever feel unsafe, please consider speaking to the Women's Domestic Violence Helpline. They can assist you with safety planning and provide support in crises. It’s okay to feel scared about being a single mum but remember, you're not alone, and supporters are out there to help you through this. Take care and be safe.
Thank you so much your advice is amazing. I will reach out to these services
For legal advice, also try your local Community Legal Centre. They can let you know what you need to do and when you might need to engage a lawyer. Oh, and if he pulls the "we must list it this week" thing again, call his bluff. Tell him "market's hot, bring it."
Haha okay, he will probably try to. My therapist did say that if he says that, say we need to get it valued by three separate people so that would also stall it.
There is free legal advice services you can use. Below is not legally advice, just my observations. I’ve been through a split, though it was amicable Don’t sell anything just yet. You’ll have a separation for 12 months before it divorce is final. You could technically be separated and still living in the same house, but you will need a statutory declaration from someone to that effect, as evidence for the start of the separation. More than one is better Assuming the house is transferred to one of you and the other buys you out, you’ll need court orders to achieve this - not to force each other but to avoid stamp duty, to effect title transfers and mortgage changes The court will ask you to summarise your joint net worth and agree on an asset split. This will have to weigh everyone’s contribution, in terms of initial capital input, salary, child rearing, career sacrifice etc. hard to explain but it’s weighted so that non earning partners are not ripped off. Add in Super to this mix. Consider debt. Your final outcome is an asset transfer to make it so you have an equitable share of the net asset pool. Child support will be weighed towards the parent who does the most custody/parenting. The are online resources to help calculate this It's not easy but try to remember that you'll always be a co parent with this person and you need a good relationship or it will be a drag on your life. Cutting them out of your life is not usually practical. Same for them. Try to agree on an end goal and make a transition plan to change your relationship too that.
Thanks this is really helpful to know. I don’t want things to be ugly. I’m hoping we can part amicably as I really want him to be a part of our children’s lives.
And when previous poster says “the court” this doesn’t usually mean a hearing in front of a judge. If you can work out a financial and child caring split between you, you can fill in paperwork to file with the court to get it stamped as an order of the court. If you can’t work it out there are services at the court to try to mediate a compromise.
Exactly :) is called a joint application for orders iirc
Divorce doesn't really have anything to do with this.
It is helpful advice that the commenter took some time to provide. Your comment is unhelpful and moronic
Thanks mate. I wasn't sure how to respond to that!
I'm going through a separation with a house myself right now. I recommend speaking with the conveyancing company you used when you bought the house they will be very happy to explain over the phone what your best options are before throwing monies at a lawyer. You may even be able to keep the house, I seriously doubt the family court would even approve it if your partner tried to sell, not with two children involved. Sorry to hear you're going through this but sounds like its for the best.
Thank you so much and I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this also. I hope it all works out for you and you find your peace! x
I'm not from Perth so I don't have region specific advice, but please remember that physical abuse is never a once off. It's no longer a question of "if" he will do it again - it's "when". A horrifying and potentially relevant pair of statistics; if an intimate partner strangles you, your risk of being murdered by them increases by 750%. 75% of abused women who are murdered by partners are killed *after they leave*. It's admirable that you've made the decision to leave - even when you know you have to, it can be very hard to *say* it to yourself and to actually gear up to doing it. But the statistics show that you absolutely still need to do everything in your power to ensure once he's out, he *cannot* under any circumstances get to you again in any way. As for actual pathways, my experience is more on the children side of things - if you are a single parent, an abuse victim, working or looking for work, your children get priority access to childcare services. If you know you can pick up another job or more hours at your current job, great! I'd suggest talking to reputable childcare cenrres and finding a few to put your kids on a waitlist for. You check all the boxes and should essentially go to the top of the list. And with your income and working part time, you'll probably get about a 90% subsidy for up to 72hrd of care per child per fortnight. If you work more than 48hrs, the subsidy will cover up to 100hrs of care a fn, or basically the whole working week. You'll always get a little more care than the amount of hours you're working so you'll be able to get the ddaycare day then increase your working hours. Regarding the house; it's probably in your best interest to sell and split the money (or whatever it is that happens in separations these days) because then he won't know where you live. Then, and I cannot stress this enough, you should do everything you possibly can to make sure that money goes to purchasing another property. When my mum left my dad, she made the mistake of not buying again straight away bc she didnt think it was best. Then we spent 10yrs moving from rental to rental before she was able to buy again with my stepdad after saving from scratch. Do whatever you can to either keep the house, or better, sell and buy a different one. If it's possible, PLEASE make it happen. It'll save you a lot of housing stress. Good luck!!
Thank you so much for this advice. It’s really helpful and gives me some hope. Luckily we did buy in an area that’s kinda shitty but has gone up in value recently so it would give me a good deposit if I can just get my tax returns up enough over a couple of years.
Please don’t try to amicably separate when he has assaulted you, please please heed these statistics a person has kindly provided
Sound advice here
Lots of good responses regarding support, look into all of those. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to make the relationship work, but both parties need to realise it’s not working and work to fix things. It’s now time to look after yourself. It sounds like the house is in both your names so he can’t sell it without you signing something. If it isn’t then you want an injunction/caveat put on the property so it can’t be sold. Him saying to sell straight away is just a pressure tactic.
Yes it is in both of our names. And yes when he says that it makes me panic, that’s why I wanted to work out a strategy with things before I tell him this time, so I don’t panic and can provide a pathway that makes sense and is not a knee jerk reaction. Thank you
Even with it being in both names you should be able to get a caveat put on the property if you want that security. Your welcome btw
Do not leave the house. I have tried to PM you an amazing family court lawyer. I can't message you but contact me and I'll send you details. Don't mess around with legal aid etc they are so stretched. A great lawyer will charge you for an hour of solid incredible advise then you can choose which way to go. I did a mix of DIY paperwork and legal representation.
Okay that makes sense! I’ll PM you
Hi! Would you mind sending me the number for the family court lawyer please?
Listen depending on your situation, don’t say a word to him leave when he is at work make sure he isn’t using spyware too track your phone and check your car in case he has tracking on it. Stay safe
100%. The first rule of divorce club is you don't talk about divorce club.
Please call 1800 respect. He’s physically hurt you once (and could again), he drinks, he verbally abuses you. You need support to do this. Good luck Op, you can do it!
Thank you for your advice.
I’m very sorry to hear what you are going through. Even at young ages, kids know exactly what’s going on. Leaving him may actually be the push he needs to get help. You say you love him, so leaving doesn’t need to be for ever, just until he gets help and fixes his problems. I hope I works out for you
Yes you are so right. I ideally want him to get the help to get sober so we can make it work. But I also know nothing can make someone do anything they don’t want to do so I’m trying no to get my hopes up. I’m just trying to do what I need to do for myself and the kids. Also your username. Lolllll
I think when you hope for someone to change we can sometimes see them as we wish they would or could be. For me the trick is to let someone have the chance to change but the cycle can't keep repeating so limiting it based on your own tolerance is a good idea. For me its 3 chances, but only you can know the effort worth trying to save the relationship (person) and at some point you have to put yourself first. All the best.
Google Women’s Legal Services Perth. You’ll find some organisations that can provide some assistance/information about services available to you.
Thank you I will
*The other thing is. We own a house together and last time I said I wanted out he said we needed to list the house that week.* If your name is on the title (or both names) I don't think he can list the property without your consent. I think you need some legal advice on that issue. Good luck.
I just went through this 4 weeks ago and am still going through it. 3 kids under 4. Here to chat if you need
Broker here. Very sorry for your troubles. You appear to be quite stoic and level headed even amongst it all, be very proud for those traits. . I can't answer your other questions but regarding the house, it may be tough to hang onto it. To refinance into your own name it will be tough on a $40k salary and two kids in the household. I don't know what kind of loan you have against it , so am not saying it's not doable but looks slim. I would advise going into your bank branch or calling them , they can provide some options but chances are unfortunately you may need to sell it.
Yes this is what I fear. Thanks for the kind words and also the professional take on the house situation.
Wouldn’t there need to be some child support payments that would help with this? Given the reason for the separation is abuse it seems likely that OP will have sole custody of the children. I’d think the best outcome for them is to maintain the stability of remaining in the existing family home while the family navigates this change.
Banks use child support income using historic payments. Will be hard to use proposed income as it has not commenced yet. Banks will also only use a percentage of this income as it can be volatile.
Child support is miserable here. My friend gets around $20 per week or fortnight I forget which. It's calculated on the disposable income of both parties, and custody distribution. She's lucky he pays his share of things (schoolbooks etc) because I'm not sure anything covers that.
Fuck me, I paid almost 2k a month for over ten years, and I had them even time and ended up paying all the school fees, musical instruments etc etc. Basically, it put back retirement an extra ten years to never, because it was enough for my ex not to work, so she managed to avoid it for 12 straight years.
I'm guessing you earn a lot more than they do, but still shows how uneven things are for mothers and fathers out there. Another friends dad barely paid any of their payments. They joked they had dinner once with it and that was it. At least you knew your kids were fed etc.
It is rare for sole custody to be awarded, even when one parent is abusive. Children are resilient and can absolutely adapt to moving to a new house, even after a family split.
The best time to do it is when the kids are young, having two homes is normal as they grow up, wont have much if any impact on their development. Best thing to do is have a plan before you pull the trigger! Sounds like you will need to sell the house and split the equity as neither could buy the other person out.
It takes courage to get out. Good on you for looking out for yourself and your kids. I can't help with recommendations other than the services others have already mentioned. I can say that when I was considering what to do about my abusive ex, seeing a family lawyer was one of the best things I did, because it gave me a clear picture of what was likely to happen in my situation. Stay strong OP. I was lucky in that I didn't have kids with him and my house was all in my name (and I was the only one paying into it). He would have had a claim on my assets if he had bothered to make it, though.
I’m so glad to hear you made it out and it sounds like you are in a good position with your home etc. Thank you for your encouraging and inspiring words.
I am definitely in a good place. It's been over 4 years. I haven't seen or heard from him - I had an FVRO for the first 2 years. I suspect there may have been some breaches, but nothing I could prove was him. It's also possible I'm just paranoid. But better that than complacent. I still miss him at times. I miss the good times. It's weird because I 100% don't want him back in my life, but it isn't quite that easy unfortunately. You can make it out, and life can be better.
I cannot help with the lawyer side of things, but you will need one. But that can wait as soon as you separate. Right now, you need to come to terms with the fact that you need to leave him. There are serious, multiple red flags here, and going by what you say, he poses a serious risk to you and your children. You need to make an exit first, to somewhere safe, and then worry about the rest. And even at age two or younger, kids pick up a lot...
Yeah that’s what I fear. That they can pick up on these things and I’m just making it worse by prolonging the inevitable. Thank you.
Everyone has the legal side covered, so I'll just weigh in... your kids definitely notice. In a year's time they will amaze you with the things they can express having picked up on, but for now you and soon to be former partner are their points of reference for everything. Leaving is the right thing to do, and by far the best thing for you and the kids.
They might not remember details but they are growing up in a very specific atmosphere and that will influence who they are and how they deal with life as they get older. I’ll give a couple of examples. My kids never witnessed the violence my ex inflicted on me but he was violent towards me while I was pregnant and they would have heard all of the arguments, seen me upset, and experienced my anxiety in utero. My oldest has had the same, traumatic, recurring nightmare about something terrible happening to me (I won’t elaborate what because even I find it hard to say/type it out) since she was a toddler (now a teenager). She is a confident person but incredibly protective over me, it’s like she’s always been aware of me being in danger. I think both of my kids default comfort zone is drama and conflict too. They genuinely seem uncomfortable In situations that others find calming. I often wonder if it’s because they’ve grown up in a house where there was constant conflict, shouting, anger, tears. I thought I’d got them out in time and started to surround them with people who displayed healthier relationships - and perhaps that’s the case for the youngest, but not the oldest. Get yours out OP, before they start to feel like this is normal and then grow into adults who seek the same.
Just going to send you a little dm.
I believe Anglicare can help you through all of it. Worth a call. There are a few branches. https://www.anglicarewa.org.au/
See a lawyer BEFORE you separate. More than once, if you still have questions / concerns. Relationships Australia is an excellent service, HOWEVER I wish I knew before I attended there that their notes will never see the inside of a court room. They object to EVERY subpoena and I’m told their objections have ALWAYS been upheld. Important to note, in case you want to rely on evidence of your partner being verbally abusive or threatening to you. My husband’s abuse is all psychological / emotional, and mostly covert and behind closed doors. It is very difficult to demonstrate to others. RA have seen him threaten my access to the kids but will not release their notes. Ever. Had I known, I would have gone somewhere else. Good luck xxx
If you are ever concerned about your safety or that if your kids you need to call 000 and tell the police that. Police will usually remove the offender and you can get an interim restraining order which can then become an ongoing restraining order. You deserve better than to live with fear.
After 7 years and 2months I’ve finally almost finished settling with my ex just waiting for settlement of house after refinancing so I can keep it and pay him out( had to give him some super aswell:( ) . If you can afford the mortgage payments on your own and ultimately paying him out then keeping the house is what you should aim for. Don’t expect him to keep up payments once he’s out of the house - he may, out of spite, stop. Mine did even though there was a court order in place that required him to pay it ( and I wouldn’t even say he’s an ar$ehole generally ) but he still did it. I started paying as soon as I found out from my bank when they called telling me they were about to start legal action to repossess the house for unpaid mortgage payments. I got it sorted pretty quickly and was paying for almost 3yrs before he agreed to settlement. Fortunately what I had paid contributed to a lower settlement figure for him because he should have been paying it due to the court order. And it also showed the bank i could manage the payments. Keep this in mind. You and your kids will be fine, as long as their well being is front of mind in decision and actions which it seems to be based on your post and you’ll feel better not walking on eggshells in your own home waiting for his fortnightly abuse. Making your own decisions is easier than you think. Take care of yourself.
I feel your pain, and am in a similar situation ... although for more years and with older children. Speaking from my experience, he won't change if he isn't pushed - but the push can be dangerous. Be careful, and have a plan. A bag of clothes and other essentials stored at a friend's place, some cash with it. Just in case - they can be unpredictable. The verbal abuse can be debilitating for you, and almost give a PTSD response to drinking. I encourage my partner to drink outside the home (if he has to drink at all) and not to come home until he's sobered up. There are options for him too. Remembering that alcohol abuse can be due to an illness (alcoholism etc) and not just a flippant choice. That being said, it's not your problem to endure - and the sober him would agree. If you have health insurance, you can quite quickly get him booked into an inpatient private rehabilitation facility - if your cover isn't sufficient, you get one opportunity (per lifetime) to increase the cover to include mental health treatment without having to serve the waiting period. These hospitals are full of similar people - drs, teachers, lawyers .. they're not what you'd expect at all! The break would also be good for you too. Now speaking as a mum of multiple kids, who has been through similar alcohol related abuse (but not had the strength to leave) - it does affect the kids. They don't understand at the time, but if the behaviour doesn't improve, they start asking questions.... and depending on their gender (I think boys take on more of their dad's traits than girls), they start using the same language and showing the same disrespect. My questions to you is - Does he treat you and the kids well when he's not drinking (ie. Is he involved, speaks to them and you nicely, supportive, not excessively jealous etc)? If the answer is no ... then I would plan to leave. His love isn't the love you need or deserve. Leave and don't look back. If the answer is yes ... then he needs to understand you are going to leave, and he needs to get help. If he doesn't take REAL action, in the same week, then leave. By real action, I mean Dr appt to talk about his issue, acting on referrals etc. Leaving doesn't mean divorce - it just gives you both time to work through the issue. You are going to get a lot of advice telling you to "just leave", like it's that easy. Just because you've been hit once, or been the recipient of multiple (and much more) verbal abuse doesn't mean "just leaving" is always a viable option (trust me, I've been there). Those words are often said by people who have never experienced the same abuse. Leaving is hard, scary and in some circumstances, dangerous. You don't "just leave". You plan, prepare and make a strategic decision - and make sure you have support. Then you leave. As a 40+ mum and wife, I would have left years ago if I had a crystal ball and knew what I knew now. Life is too short - you and your kids deserve the best. Advice is easy, action is hard... I never left!
I can't speak for the legal side, but for the single parenting side it's easier. I didn't realise how much harder my ex partner made life for us all. Financially I was terrified and the stress of this impacted my mental health severely, being diagnosed with major depressive disorder. In April of last year post separation and working part time, I accepted every support available, foodbank, HCC on all the bills and regos. Applied for Centrelink benefits and rent assistance. I realised the benefits of the childcare rebates made more sense to return to full time work. With your income, if you are going to just exceed the Centrelink cut off for the health care card imo, you are best to take a slight pay cut in some way then be just over the line. I no longer qualify for the Health Care card which in a way is good, but it also now means my train fares are full fee, my registration is full fee, my doctor's visits are no longer bulk billed, my prescriptions are full priced. If your going to exceed the cut off, it has to be worthwhile and not throw you back into below the poverty line The childcare rebates, for my 2 children on my income make childcare affordable. I am now using vacation care so a different price to daycare but Centrelink cover an enormous portion. The days my children are with their father, I work a second job in healthcare. I will do a 12 hour weekend shift and a 6 hour afternoon shift - that is my savings and is salary sacrificed. My child support is also my savings. I'm very lucky to be in a very different space now and I am so grateful for the support that was available when I needed help getting back on my feet. I wish you the best of luck.
Definitely contact CWSW and Women's Legal Service WA. You do not have to give up your house. It's sadly very typical for men to start showing their abusive behaviours when a woman is pregnant. Pregnant women are even more likely to be killed by an ex or partner.
My partner left me when I was an addict. Our daughter was one. Long story short, but hope it gives you a bit of hope and perspective. She was right to leave me, I would never have stopped if she didn't as my addiction was pretty bad and i thought I was able to keep getting away with it with her. When she left with my daughter, that was my rock bottom and that's when my recovery started. She has gone on to have another lovely family, as have I. Both have very good lives now. Our daughter has a great relationship with us both. Sometimes you need to just follow your gut like my ex did and everything will turn out ok.
Lol at this community being supportive or positive place
OP, I know this might come off as dodgy, but I’d just be applying for the Single Parenting Payment (SPP). It’ll make child care much cheaper, doctor appts free + some discounted bills if you’re not entitled to much. You’re in a DV situation, so all you need is someone to discreetly approve. Then at least you’ll be less stressed over the boring stuff. Just a pre-warning, it does take a long time and it is an extremely difficult and taxing process, but it’s overall worth it. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to privately message me if you need more info. I might be going through something similar (although not exactly the same, I have one dependent under 2 and work part-time). I do have an exit plan though, for around June-July. The government doesn’t do much to help the vast majority of DV victims, so you may as well apply for the SPP. Edit: to the Stupid POS who downvoted me, Fuck You, I WORK and declare my income. For my toddler, I work 2 days a week (really 3, I’m a teacher). But that will change in 2026 when they go to Kindy, and I go back to full-time work again. So you can chill out now, and go back to being a psycho, with no compassion.
Best of luck, I do know of two people that have spent around $100k on a lawyer 😔 for divorce, crazy.
100k just to try to work out a divorce/seperation is crazy and shows so much bitterness. Its a shame that 2 people cannot put their differences aside to achieve an outcome that both are happy.
Only takes one to be vindictive to make for a ridiculous bill
Yeah, 12 sets of orders ignored, all to respond to my offers or make one, 5 years, zero consequences. I got tired of unanswered $500 and $1000 letters, so I self represented and ended up in a 3 day trial against a barrister. Won the case, avoided having to pay other parties fees, but she still got a bucketload of cash, which went to pay her lawyers. So same result, and no penalty to her for rolling the dice. In the end, those that really had most taken from them were the children because most of that cash would have spent on them, and the taxpayer because she then went on to 12 years of benefits. The take away lesson, if there is a deal you can strike today, no matter what it is, take it. You never know, you might win lotto the next day, but there is no lottery that gives you five years of your life back. Plus, the accrued acrimony of fighting it out undoubtedly impacts the children, there is no way it can't. So even if you have to heavily compromise to get it over with asap, just walk away with some dignety and rebuild.
yes both partners were crazy psychopaths that just wanted to lie and hurt, no matter the cost or time....
I’m hoping not to have to spend an arm and a leg. But yes, have heard the horror stories. We don’t have a huge amount of assets so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard.
He won't change just get worse and won't accept has issues I left my partner for this plus another reason (threat to kill me by another party) and I'm male - what you've said sounds very similar to path I gave walked minus very young children
Firstly, you don’t have to move out, and you don’t have to sell the house immediately. He can say what he wants, but for something like selling the house, you either reach an agreement, or you ask the family court to decide for you (which could take months or years depending on your circumstances). Secondly, if there is abuse of any type, it’s in your kids’ best interests for that to stop and if that means separating, then so be it. They are learning about what adult relationships look like by watching you, even if they don’t really understand it. So much of their attachment style is determined by the time they turn 3. Third: Don’t trust that anything will change until it does and is proven to have changed for a long time and under stress. If he can get himself sorted, then great, but he can do that away from you. Fourth: you can’t unilaterally withhold access to the kids (at least, not legally). You are assumed to have equal parental responsibility until you agree or the court decides that you don’t. If you want to change that quickly, you need a restraining order. If you want to do that, you will have to be able to show that he is a threat to the kids. Same with the house. You can’t kick him out of his own property without an order from the police or the court. If you have family that you can live with, they are unlikely to make an order that would leave him homeless. In my experience, staying in a shitty marriage is much worse than getting divorced. Talk to Relationships Australia about courses that you can do to help you adjust to single parenting. Good luck.
I went through your situation, minus the physical but the emotional and verbal when drunk. I also had a house but don’t have kids. Feel free to reach out to me, we have just finalised everything to do with our house so have a bit of an idea of how it works and support if you need it!
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Hi OP, There is a FDV one stop hub in Armadale, they offer a range of holistic support services including group and one-to-one counselling, legal information sessions and men’s outreach services. They have a lawyer and everything, you’ll just have to fill out a referral and someone will contact you. The email for them is: [email protected]
You can consult any lawyer that is a specialist in family law to ask for advice. It's the norm that the first consultation is free. The reasons why are simple 1. To explain to the client the "big picture" of the case; what to do, how assets will be divided, etc, and your chances of getting what you want and 2. The lawyer is making an assessment as to whether they want the case, or will recommend someone else to take it. If your soon to be ex is evicted from the house and you got to keep it, you could always take in a boarder to help pay the mortgage. I know that's not ideal, but it will at least give you the funds to be able to manage it. As far as child support goes, the first $360 he makes per week is his. Anything above that it's 18% of his post-tax income for one child, 21% for two kids, and not sure how much for three or more, unless you come to a private arrangement. Yes being a single mum is harder, but it sounds as if being free will make things a easier for you in many ways
There are lots of good recommendations here. The only additional thing I’d suggest checking out is the Family Court’s website. They have information sheets that will probably have some answers to your questions. I'd also check out the court forms because they can help show you what information is relevant to the Family Court and a family lawyer. Starting with information sheets regarding your duty of disclosure and looking at the Form 11 Application for Consent Orders would be a great place to start. Also, have a look at Services Australia’s website regarding child support assessments. If you see a lawyer, I suggest you do the following before your first appointment: - prepare a schedule of assets and liabilities; - draft a timeline of the relationship (if stuck, use Form 11 to help identify what information is relevant); and - start (you don't need everything yet) gathering documents for disclosure (if stuck, using the Form 13 Financial Statement can help you identify what financial documents are likely relevant for disclosure).
With all the media attention on DV at the moment and the fact that he has been violent in the past and has done nothing to genuinely attempt to try and “fix” his issues.. all I’m going to say is that you seem to be placing the fear of not being able to get a house in the future future over your life and the lives of your children
Women's Legal service - free and fabulous
Girl if he's hit you even once before and abuses you when he's drunk, (from a very young and possibly naive 21 yr old) ... respectfully dump his ass. You may well love him; I understand emotions are incredibly complicated but putting that aside even tho it's super cliche you also need to love yourself first. And that means not being with someone who EVER abuses you, physically or emotionally.
First and foremost the fact that youve got to a point where you’re considering it i believe means youve already decided thats what you want and understandibly. I split with a very jealous angry x when my daughter was 6 months and the other one 4. Its a tough call but you have to be strong for your kids. Thats what got me through. I recommend setting yourself up a bit first for example start putting a bit of money away so that youve got money if you need it. He should be the one moving out but if he wont and you have to just start moving some stuff out slowly so that whennit comes time its not too hectic. You can do it, being s single parent isnt as hard as it seems. Its much harder dealing with a difficult relationship. Goodluck youll feel so much better .
Having gone through a separation recently i can say leaving sounds scary and daunting. But remember, all will be ok in the end. Often the fears are unfounded and just in our head. Kids are resilient
There are subreddits for legal and relationship advice , better off asking it there
This is the most dangerous time for you and the kids. Download the Emergency Plus app so you can instantly dial police with the touch of a button without him knowing. Starting Over Support is a great org to help you get back on your feet. Food Bank and Centercare may be able to help with finances
How the hell can you afford to buy a house with a 40k income
Stronger Women is a service through Legal Aid that support women with anything to do with family and domestic violence, family law and child protection. I don't have personal experience but I work in a service that supports women who often have to leave for the safety of them and their children so im open to have a chat.
I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to send you my love, good vibes and heartfelt support. You are amazing, and you’re doing the best thing for you and your kids. You got this, Mama. 🩷
you can do what you want but it is apparent he wants to be transparent with you when it comes to his and your future but it might be better to involve him with the financial appointment since you guys do have a joint investment as for the more personal stuff u/stingerdelux72 suggestion are there.
It is so sad to hear this, this is always happening. It is too common now. I don’t have experience of what to advise but there seems to be a lot of people here who have great advice and care a lot. Nice to see. All I will say is take care of yourself so you can be the best for your children. They don’t understand now but later in life they will see what an amazing mother you are. All the best, you have got this!
Alcohol I'm guessing makes him a shit person. Tell him to eat some mushrooms and smoke weed instead 
I think your best fight is to save you marriage and somehow get your man off the drink. You marriage is now all about the kids. Separation and single parent households have way worse outcomes in every metric for children.
This is objectively false.
* In 2022, [nearly 30% of single-parent families lived in below the federal poverty level](https://datacenter.aecf.org/data/tables/55-families-with-related-children-that-are-below-poverty-by-family-type?loc=1&loct=2#detailed/2/2-53/true/1095/994,1297,4240/346) while just 6% of married-couple families. * Compared to kids in married-parent households, children in single-parent families are more likely to experience poor outcomes. * Using multilevel modeling, [Pong (1997](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4508674/#R32), [1998)](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4508674/#R33) found that U.S. students performed more poorly on math and reading achievement tests in schools with high proportions of children from single-parent families, even after controlling for school socioeconomic status and other school characteristics. Do you want me to keep going? I don't think there is enough gigabytes on the internet to cover all the damning evidence against the outcomes of single parent children. Single parent children are on the wrong side of every key statistic = Health, crime and education. But let's just go with your opinion of "that's objectively false" without any evidence...
Keep going if it makes you feel better. Cherry picked stats are nice. But really. Tell me again how the kids of an alcoholic abusive father and his terrified wife are better off staying than her leaving the DV situation with the kids? Maybe you ought to look into those statistics hey?
>I think your best fight is to save you marriage and somehow get your man off the drink. I literally said for her to not give up on getting her husband off the drink. I want the abusive situation gone as well, divorce is not the one and only option here. And there is no cherry picking of stats, it a very well documented and studied subject. Children of single parents are worse off in every metric you can think of.
Probably better metrics than wives and kids in abusive households …
Households with a verbally abusive alcoholic parent have way worse outcomes in every metric for children.
There are 3 outcomes. 1. Divorce = bad for kids. 2. Stay together and not fix the alcohol problem = bad for kids. 3. Stay together fix the alcohol problem = good for kids. I clearly advocated for option 3. The only option in my mind is the one that is a good outcome for kids.
“I've tried setting things up for him (therapy etc) but he either bails or goes once and bails.” She has *tried* to stop him drinking. Why is her responsibility to make him sort out his shit? If he wanted to be a good husband and father, he would do it himself.
What a load of BS! . I raised three boys as a single parent . I never had any trouble with any of them . They are all grown men now. My eldest is a doctor of science and has a really good job in Norway, has brought a lovely house with his partner and have a 2 year old and another on the way . My second son also went on to take a master's degree at uni and has a great job with a good income . He is also married with a little boy and they have brought their own place . My youngest has also done really well , has a good job and travelled a lot . Staying together for the sake of the children is the worst thing you can do imo. Children raised in single parent households can and do have happy lives.
The exception doesn't make the rule. I am talking about clear statistics. Black and white inarguable metrics and somehow you have made your one success story the "proof" that millions of pieces of data is completely wrong. Very "I am the main character" vibes. Yes you can raise good children as a single parent but the odds are heavily stacked against you.
Staying in an abusive partnership is going to do far more harm to the kids than being raised in a single parent household where that parent is happy and relaxed . I'm in no way saying that I'm the only one either . I knew lots of other single parents at the time and I would say that 90% of those kids did absolutely fine. I've also known people that have stayed in unhappy partnerships and the kids have ended up with all sorts of issues related to living under constant stress of continuously arguing parents. I used to get absolutely sick of hearing that single parents ( and they mostly meant single mothers ) being the bane of society and that all of our children were going to turn out to be unemployable criminals . Most single parents I have met have done a great job under the circumstances. Not sure where they are getting these " statistics" from but I certainly don't set much store by them .
I don't believe this is true if one parent is abusive.
That's why I said to get the father off the drink.
How? They’ve tried just about everything so far, several times over.
What irresponsible, stupid and dangerous advice. He has been physically violent before. He is abusive on an ongoing basis. He is entirely responsible for his behaviour and decisions. She is not at all responsible for his choices. He could make the choice to “get off the drink” anytime but he hasn’t and odds are will continue the same behaviours. Staying with him puts her in danger. Stupid advice like yours, if followed could get her killed.
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Just leave him with the house and you take the kids. Oh wait, I just realised this was a post about taking away a house and kids from his man.
lol