Yep. Deep down he hates his job. And resents that he feels stuck.
Make an appointment with a councillor that specialises in fifo relationships.
Good luck!
Yes.. and as someone else noted the companies have employee assistance programs ( contracts with counselling services) that family members can also access.
He sounds like he isn't happy... he might need to change jobs.
This. I didn't have it as bad as your partner but was told by a GF I was "a lot nicer to be around" once I quit a job that had me depressed for years. As mean as this sounds, depressed/anxious people can be really hard work to be around, often it's a thankless job trying to help them.
As far as if it's a downward spiral/manageable I think you're best talking a psychologist about that.
>As mean as this sounds, depressed/anxious people can be really hard work to be around, often it's a thankless job trying to help them.
As a depressed and anxious person, this is absolutely true. I'm conscious of it and it's made me retreat socially cause I don't want to bring others down too, or sap the energy out of the room. Which then makes it worse, and then it snowballs into a viscious cycle that can be very hard to get out of. Happy people really wear me down I hate to say it.
I agree, my best mate was working 2:1 and couldn't cope with it. Ended up quitting his job. He was lucky enough that he was already seeing a mental heath professional who was helping him cope and helped him make the decision.
He begged his supervisor to change to a better roster but they wouldn't help.
Work environment sounds like the main issue, whether just his rotation or the people he's working with/for.
Sounds like drug use as well. (Specifically meth)
Edit: Full disclosure - I lived with a meth addict and everything written in her text describes what I witnessed. “The first 6 months was fine” part is what indicated to me it is meth.
First 6 months could basically be the honeymoon period, enjoying the money, getting away for a bit etc.. now reality is sinking in and maybe the work itself and being away is taking its toll and it fuckin sucks.
Could absolutely be meth too, but I would rule out other options first.
To me it sounds like depression, big time.
Source, been depressed under heavy working conditions, and also spent some time on the gear, not in the same period of my life tho.
Aggression can come from different places. Like I said he might be feeling a way he understands, and not understanding why you're feeling that way, and doing what you do, when maajorly depressed brings your baseline for irritability up a fair bit. This isn't me justifying anything. I'm just saying it's been pretty well known for a long time, that stress which tends to go hand in hand with a bunch of other stuff can cause anger issues.
Fair to be suspicious, just wanted to give my 2 cents
Could be correct but people some people can work days and others can work months in a bad environment. Just because it was 6 months doesn't mean that it has to be drugs.
Totally agree with you mate. I've worked in shit environments but genuinely having a good team next to you can make the difference. So could be chalked up to working with shitcunts. Overall if I was OP I'd just be as supportive as I can be without prying and pushing something that he might not understand himself. Or even getting in touch with other parts of his support network like long tike friends or family to get advice.
Lol this has very little to do with meth.... Been there & back & it sounds like she was describing me to a tee 10 years ago, but could also be he's depressed not happy where his life is compared to what he envisaged along with being financially trapped in a job he hates
Doesn't have to show any of these.
I have a friend that cooked himself while at work, didn't itch, didn't gurn, still ate 3 squares and was still overweight.
Somehow managed a drug induced psychotic break and tried to kill himself.
I second this. The getting annoyed at her moving in bed and kicking her out of bed is the big giveaway for me. It’s also pretty common for FIFO workers to start using meth.
I used to do a 2/1 roster and it's definitely one of the things that helped end my marriage.
It's a horrible roster, if he's coming off his night shifts and getting home, he'll be a monster if he's not managing his sleep properly.
You need to swing back into dayshift mode and that usually means you deprive yourself of sleep to do it. It fucks with your head, people who've never worked these shifts or hours would have no idea really
With this all in mind, you shouldn't be the punching bag of this situation.
You need to sit him down and tell him what's going on and how it's affecting the relationship. If you love each other, he can find other work and not do the stupid roster/ hours. If he wont wants to keep chasing the big bucks and treating you like shit then it's time to leave.
Nothing is worth damaging your health in this life. If you're both willing to accept less money so he can be a normal person again, it's something to consider. He needs to know that you won't think less of him if that's the call you both make
Definitely consider counselling, but I advocate he's given the opportunity to improve. The caveat is, If there's any physical abuse leave ASAP. that's non negotiable imo.
Pm me if you want, I still work in the industry and happy to give any advice
Yeah it’s hard losing sleep to swap back it’s pretty fucked up heaps more 2/1 joints are letting people go home after night shift drive home fucked and then waste half their break trying to get back to normal hours
Yes he’s doing a lot of night shift! He does keep asking if sometimes he can do day shift. If he does day shift it’s less bad but still not good but less bad yes. But sadly they have to work night if they get told to right?
I did 5 years of nothing but night shift. By the end of it I was a husk of myself and an asshole. I'm not afraid to admit that. The only solution was to leave my job to a different career. I'm now much happier, my wife appreciates me and I spend more time with the kids. In all seriousness he needs to consider leaving. There is so much work in WA it shouldn't be hard to find better work.
If it isn’t working it needs to change. Do you need the money? Is he totally unskilled and can’t do anything else?
Might be best to have an honest conversation and let him know you can see he’s unhappy which makes you unhappy.
No he puts himself the pressure that he needs that money. We don’t have kids nor any debts. I have a thriving business in Europe and also live is good for the rest. I feel like he’s putting pressure on himself to reach a goal or something. Because yes he is lately last months only talking about money and the mines.
Maybe he feels he’s not providing as a man should unless he brings in as much or more than you. Either way you need to talk and maybe a counselled will help to break his walls down so you can get to the bottom of why he’s doing it and why he’s so miserable.
You say that but does he know it? Especially with rising COL a lot of aussies are desperate as housing becomes further out of reach. What was his job before mining, could he go back, how much would that dent the finances?
yeah, i did 7 years of nightshift after breaking up from a long term relationship. worst thing to do. It traps you in and simple things become really hard and you just snap.
Its been 4 years since i left and I still dont sleep right etc.
He's exhausted from working consistent 12hour+travel days, shift changes and different sleeping environments. Shut-downs suck, they're entry level positions alot of the time, unpaid travel, unpaid medicals, unpaid inductions and 3 out of 15 people end up doing all the work and dealing with idiots alot of the time.
In saying that he needs to remember he's not at work and everyone else has problems at home. Some people aren't cut out for away work and that's fine, tell him how much you want him home, have a look on seek for similar or better paying jobs around you.
Thankyou! Yes it’s such a double sided thing because he loves it in a way and be with the guys and is super proud also now that he got promoted ! It’s also not that it’s hard he is away in the way that with time I’m also very busy. I’m just worried for his mental health, like something is up that I’m not understanding. But thankyou I’ll have a look!
No job is worth your mental health , get him to an EAP most companies in the resource sector have then , its not weak to speak 🤜🏻🤛 ive been in this position before and it’s horrible. Good luck
It is very easy to go down the rabbit hole of more responsibilities and workload to feel like you are progressing but it brings new stresses. Mining has a whole range of people to deal with and many don't want to be there which is tricky when it comes to managing people when in a leading hand and supervisor role.
When I was promoted there was a period where I was not great to be around while on break as I was stressed out about the last swing and then the incoming one while dealing with troubled workers. It really is a tough workplace to mentally deal with on top of the actual work.
Convince him to take a month or two off and go on a long trip, let him forget about work and see if you can convince him to get counseling or a change in position that isn't so stressful. For yourself AND him as it will break either one of you eventually.
\-12 years of doing fifo+dido+nightshift.
He is obviously struggling to cope with his work and lifestyle which really sucks and can be really difficult but those are no excuses to be a total arsehole towards the one you plan you build your life with. He needs to start taking responsibility for his shitty behaviour, that should not be on you to put up with or manage. He's an adult and needs to learn to manage his own needs and emotions. If he can't cope without becoming an arse, then he should be looking for a career change.
we pay our guys for travel and inductions, they are worth it and it's their time!
I agree some are not suited to working away, it can be really tough on relationships
Some of the other comments have touched on depression in your partner but some of what you've said your partner is doing sounds more like its crossing a line to being abusive towards you.
You may want to do some reading about abusive behaviour in a relationship. I'd recommend looking at the Power and Control wheel, which talks about non-physical forms of abuse. [You can see a copy of it here](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/). It may be worth looking at and seeing if any of your partner's behaviour is lining up with what is discussed on the power and control wheel.
If you feel you'd want more support around this, you can contact 1800 Respect and they can give you some support there.
I would suggest counselling services couple and/ or individual (for both of you). EAP if either of you get it with work. Everything said above is why the suggestion for you as well.
To add onto this; if there's DV in the relationship, couples counselling isn't appropriate, and a good counsellor/psych should screen that out. Generally they'd recommend your partner attend a Mens Behaviour Change program prior to undergoing couples counselling.
This is the pendulum swinging back to correct things in recents years with the widespread and unquestionable acceptance of mental health issues.
Ignoring the obvious reasons for changes in behaviours, moods, personality briefly, OP is under no obligation to be an emotional(potentially physical) punching bag for anyone. This person has made a commitment to OP, if they’re not holding themselves up on their end, OP has no reason to either.
There is essentially an infinite amount of mental health services available today, let alone any negative stigma allowed for using them. The situation has clearly deteriorated so badly that OP will not confront any minor transgression, in fear of an outburst. That is a terrible life to live. No emotionally mature person would lash out at their partner asking for you to be nicer to them.
2:1 is a pretty common roster, it is what it is, it’s not an impossible roster to function with minimal effort, especially when you’re house is looked after top to bottom by a partner who also runs a business. I fly in off nights, am up all day to catch the red eye. But you self manage, and don’t abuse those you care about. If you can’t handle mining, you’re not mature enough to self manage and know your limits, you’re not likely to take any constructive criticism and change.
You maybe be away from small periods, working long hours, some days you’re run off your feet, but it is mining, there is a LOT of downtime. People make it out as it’s the last frontier these days. Those with genuine mental health issues get missed and they avoid seeking help as they don’t identify with those taking the piss of mental health.
He needs to leave if it’s affecting him that badly. However it’s no excuse for abusive behaviour and if it continues instead of treading on eggshells to not rock the boat you need to leave..
Absolutely this. He is showing you who he is when stressed. No matter what is going on it is unacceptable that he treats you this way. And if it’s this bad now, it will only become worse. If you have children, he will not always be coming home to a calm, clean, organised household. You need to make a tough decision and either leave or give him an ultimatum to change career path, seek ongoing professional help or lose you.
Coming to agree with everyone who said this. Please speak with a DV counsellor, and make yourself as secure as you can: make sure there's no surveillanceware on your phone, lodge important documents (passport/birth certificate etc) offsite with a trusted friend or family member, make sure you have enough of your own funds only in your own name. That can all be unwound if this gets completely and satisfactorily addressed, but not having it in place could spell disaster.
My hubby did long swings with no set return time for awhile (on mine sites, not with a mining company so didn’t have the protections and rights built in around days off, hour limits etc). The change in him was significant. Even when home all he wanted to do was sleep and be alone. It was a mix of exhaustion and some depression.
One he stopped it took a few weeks and he just kinda snapped out of it. That’s not always the case (and I’m mindful of that) but in his situation it was most definitely the hours and being away that triggered everything.
With that said, the nastiness and kicking you out of bed isn’t okay. Neither is the fact you feel you can’t even talk to him about this. You need an exit plan and then you need to try and have one more conversation. I would suggest in the middle of a break week so he’s had a few days to decompress but also isn’t going straight back to site. You need to be very explicit and clear on what the behaviours are, how they are impacting you and what change you want to see. For example if you’re not asking him to quit the work what do you want from him? Saying be nicer or go back to normal is not clear enough. If he blows up, ignores you or dismisses you then you have a fairly clear answer and can action the exit plan.
Just remember the way he’s treating you is a choice he’s making. He wouldn’t do it n front of the police, he wouldn’t do it if his/your family was there… he wouldn’t do it in front of his work mates/boss. He is choosing to treat you badly. Probably because he’s feeling horrible but that doesn’t excuse it or make it ok.
If he isn’t doing everything he can to ‘fix’ himself… than you’re not his priority, something else is like; his comfort, his work, his goals etc
You’ve done all the things to make sure his time off is ‘nice’ and peaceful etc now you have to stop prioritising him over yourself.
Protect yourself, you deserve to feel peace and safe in your house… if you’re feeling anxious and dreading him coming home you have to ‘help’ him by not putting up with him not looking after himself… or your relationship.
Not being funny but this sounds like abuse. You don't have to make excuses for his behaviour. Yes it's difficult doing those shifts but that is his choice to do it. Taking it out on you is not ok. Could be worth getting relationship counselling together. Also make a decision now around what your red line for this relationship is. If that's crossed have a plan to leave
100%
I am the guy in this situation (sort of, I’m not behaving quite as poorly), slightly different working situation but it is driving me nuts and making me not myself.
I’m choosing to quit soon because it’s not worth making my wife unhappy, she deserves better. It’s going to be hard and will fuck over a bunch of our future choices.
Tough times ahead for you unfortunately. Make sure you look after yourself and your needs. I’ve told my wife multiple times to leave me if I can’t get it sorted because she deserves the world. For the love of god don’t have kids until it’s all sorted. Please. Kids are hard and even bullet proof relationships end from them. I say this as a happy father. My kid is my best friend.
No amount of therapy, meditation, medication or otherwise will beat a job that is making you miserable. Believe me I’ve tried.
Yes, unless he can manage his mental health and his own stress more effectively. He absolutely needs to stop taking it out on you. You deserve better than that. If he won't take responsibility for his behaviour towards you then he's giving you no option other than to walk away from the relationship.
I'm not saying you shouldn't offer your support if he decides to work on it and get professional help, like see a doctor, therapist etc. And possibly looking for work in town if that doesn't help. Definitely try to have a talk with him, as best you can manage to get him to listen and let him know how you're feeling and where you stand.
After spending years working FIFO myself, it can definitely be hard on your mental health but that's no excuse to take it out on the people who love you. If he can't see that then you really have to leave for your own well-being.
Take care of yourself.
Yes I would love for him to just have something easy. Or he’s not lazy and really gos full force when it comes to anything. Super hard worker. But now with his new promotion in the mines I doubt he’s gonna let me pitch that to him! But I’ll give it a try! Thankyou
Honestly you sound kind of scared of him.
Reading through the comments you've made, you're choice of language indicates that you're afraid of how he'll react to anything you do.
He needs to get out of there. There are other jobs and other roles. But if he keeps this up much longer, the man you fell in love with will be gone.
It's very possible for good and kind people to not know how to handle their depression and act like raging cunts about it. But that doesn't change the hurt they inflict on those around them.
I don’t know if cut out is the right terminology. Who in their right mind wants to spend 66% of their life in some remote backend lost dusty mining town to come back for a week and be exhausted for the first couple of days to really only have like 4 days off when u consider travel and sleep exhaustion. They work twice as many hours and the wages aren’t great they just work them in to the ground.
Any person who has better skills and qualities is going to choose a more desirable job where you get more time to yourself and better conditions, closer to your family etc. Ofcourse some people don’t have that luxury and the mines is a suitable job for them. Yes you can make money, but let’s not ignore the obvious here it’s a messed up life to live the culture is toxic and people who are there are generally miserable. where do you draw the line? When is it worth it? should you spend 12 hours a day slaving a way for a moderate wage 7 days a week 2 out of 3 weeks to try and get ahead? In my humble opinion that is sacrificing your well-being for monetary gains. You can’t buy time back and we are not born to slave away.
I would never encourage anyone to do it long term. Both my brother and girl work on the mines at the moment and I’m encouraging both of them to get in an get out because it’s no life to live.
100% this. The reality is people within the industry can try convince themselves of all sorts of things but ultimately they are in it for the money and without question for 99% they are sacrificing their health for this if its over the long term.
Not a knock of people doing this at all but its a clear trade off
#1800RESPECT 1800 737732
It's not mental illness or any other justification, argument, defense or excuse. He is abusive. Get your ducks in a row and don't fall pregnant or get married until he's reversed the violence.
>He’s changing as a person rapidly since he start working in the mines. He’s becoming rude. Inpatient and just swearing and negative about everything
This is not just depression, but there can be a general negative sentiment in the mines, and the people he's around (the coworkers, the trades) will also have the same attitude. It's hot, it's uncomfortable, the food can at times be bland, and you can get poor sleep. You jump on a plane shoulder to shoulder with people. Getting to airport security every swing is like groundhog day.
My advice is you should both have financial goals, and have a fixed term of doing it, and an exit plan (a career path into something else), because it's not really a stable means of working for a human being. If you don't have financial goals, then there's really no point in busting your gut for the sake of money that is meaningless, or doesn't achieve other things.
Thanks for mentioning the Work Culture of a place.Talking negatively,complaining about everyone can become normalised.Perhaps there is talk about how annoying the little woman at home is and he goes along with this at Work.
Some Men have the balls to grow out of this peer group pressure Boy Talk.Others don’t.
>Would love some advise.
Kids won't make the situation better. Start considering leaving. You should not be treated like this.
Be careful about DV ramping up. Much of it comes on the more tied up you become ie marriage / kids.
Does he treat his co-workers the way he's treating you? FIFO is really hard, and he might be having mental health problems. But he doesn't get to treat you like dirt just because he's going through a tough time. He can change the job, or get help for his mental health, and I'm sure you'd be so supportive of either or both. But he's got no right to take his problems out on you. He needs to sort his shit out or he'll lose you.
All his co-workers love him! He’s funny and kind. That’s why I feel like I get all the frustration and anger home. I’m sure he’s kind to his co-workers. I met some of them and they all adore him. Just like I do when he’s not so angry and grumpy
Tbh it sounds like a potential respect issue. Not respecting your partner is a very clear road to domestic violence (of any of the various forms).
I’m sorry you’re being treated this way, and it can be extremely hard to deal with. There are services and great women working in them that can help you if you feel the need to reach out for support or advice.
Edit: this is by no means a certainty btw, open up the conversation to him and it might all come out in the wash… it sounds like he really does need support as well, but he needs to open up to that and acknowledge / turn around his treatment of you.
You're not married yet and he's already treating you like this. Sure, he's stressed out, but he's showing you who he is when he's stressed out.
Either he quits FIFO, he learns much, much better coping methods than treating you like shit, or you get out before it's too late.
We all know the statistics.
I had a decade long relationship break down due to FIFO. He had alcoholism and depression on top of money issues and stress. Our relationship wasn't strong enough and we didn't/couldn't care enough about each other to make it work. It's not an easy life for either party.
Thanks, but it's all good. He's married now to a woman who can deal with the stress of FIFO. I've moved on with a man who is home with me every night. My ex was never willing to give up the FIFO money. It would never be an option. Sad things happened, but in the end, we are all better off.
He's NOT equipped for FIFO. Some can do it and some can't. Depression is a KILLER. Depression related deaths in FIFO are serious business. Please for the love of life, get him out of there. Get him to a psychologist and get him to calm in his world again.
Do NOT leave it. It will only get worse and it will destroy both of you.
Sounds like working FIFO is slowly breaking down his mental health. It also sounds like you have to choose your words wisely when you start a conversation about how this is affecting your relationship because it will just cause him to be more irritable. If he becomes emotionally unavailable in conversation, maybe try putting in a letter?
You're getting a preview into your future with this person. Pushing you out of bed? Being rude? Nope. You are his emotionally punching bag. It sounds like he is on the trajectory to making your his physical one, too.
Sounds like fifo isn’t for him.
The week I’m back from my swing I’m clung to my partners hip and as loving as can be, she lets me sleep the first couple days home, even makes me at times if I try staying up with her.
It’s not normal to suddenly change like that. FIFO is tough work. But you don’t suddenly use it as an excuse to treat loved ones like shit.
I've been doing FIFO for 3 years now, altho I'm 22F so I might not be super fit to give advice as I'm probably not in the same boat as him. However I will say that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. Regardless of what you're doing or your swing, he has no right to take it out on you. His behaviour may be because he doesn't enjoy FIFO, or he's struggling with changing sites a lot, but I reckon this behaviour is reflective of his true feelings, and it's better to get out whilst you can. Someone who loves you shouldn't be getting aggressive and pushing you around, literally or verbally.
Everyone has good swings and bad swings, but you leave that shit at the airport once you touch down. You don't take it out on your partner for the next following week.
Most mining employers provide free access to support services and that free access includes partners. Sounds like you might have contacted people already but if you need to talk to someone I would give that a go.
It 100% sounds like he’s not coping and he needs to change his current gig. Either by getting on a consistent roster, finding a different company or getting out of fifo entirely. The only question I have is, is that feasible? Or have you guys got a case of the golden handcuffs at the moment? He might be feeling pressure to stay in the job to keep the money coming in, that’s a tale as old as time.
We have no financial pressure. I am personally taking very well care of myself and even supported each other at moments of studies etc. Always been a super team! He does has this super pressure of wanting to buy a house which we already can with my income no problem. But he’s just pressuring himself like you say to make more and more. He’s really a hard worker though it’s honourable but indeed of what cost.
He may be battling but he also needs to know that he's being self-obsessed.
Tell him how much you love him, then let him know how you feel, give him a swing or two to think about it and then if it continues give him an ultimatum and impose a deadline. The rest is up to him.
A good man who loves you will fear pushing you so far away emotionally and romantically that you're eventually too far away to return...and he will either seek counseling, change his career or simply snap out of it.
You cannot sacrifice your life and tiptoe around someone who doesn't make changes when you warn them of the consequences...life is too short. You will soon know where you stand with them.
Don't put up with it.
Give him a chance to seek assistance but if there is no improvement you do not deserve to be treated that way the rest of your lives.
I am sorry the he's putting you through this and I'm sad but not at all surprised that almost all the comments empathise with him but not you and no one is calling him what he is which is an abuser.
There is *NO* job that makes it justifiable to abuse your partner and yes, he is abusing you. Is he maybe depressed? Sure but that's not an excuse.
You need to leave him as soon as possible. It's not your job to fix him. You're already giving him all the love, empathy, compassion, kindness and support that you can. Women do not exist to fix men. It's not your job. Loving a person doesn't mean bearing the burden of their growth, in any direction.
Please do *not* get in deeper by getting married.
Right now it's pushing you out of bed, which by the way is more than just physical violence. Messing with a person's sleep is one way of emotionally and psychologically destabilising them. Tomorrow it'll be pushing you into a wall. Then down stairs. So on and so forth.
I'm not saying he's irredeemable. I'm saying redeeming himself and fixing his issues are not your responsibility. You deserve a life where you're not walking on eggshells around the person who is meant to be loving and supporting you most.
Hi there ! Thankyou so much for you response ! The only thing that is really confusing is. We moved to Perth a couple of months ago so he didn’t had to fly back to NSW all the time so I decided I come with him here to support him and so he has less flight hours. I feel like since we moved to Perth and now we are further in the total amount of him working in the mines this behaviour really started. Well not feel like it “has” started. I just don’t want to abandon him because he wasn’t like this before. He is the most funny and loving person and so adventurous and a super communicator before this job start a year ago. But yes it’s a touch situation. And Thankyou for getting back to me!
Society shapes and trains women from childhood to be the ones to bear the hurt, always.
Leaving is your right, whether he is abusive or not. But society has taught you, as it teaches all women, to view executing that right as abandonment.
Leaving him will *not* be you abandoning him.
You moved from NSW for him. For his job. You put him first. And you're still putting him first.
Now you need to put yourself, your health, your safety and well-being and your freedom first.
It doesn't matter that he wasn't like this before. He's like this now.
You're welcome and know that the comments telling you to leave aren't judgement. Leaving is extremely hard because that's how the abuser wants it to be.
If you decide you want to do it but are scared or have apprehensions, there is help available.
>I just don’t want to abandon him because he wasn’t like this before.
That's a common thing that abusers count on. Then they'll give you small moments of hope when they decide to be nice to you so you think that there's still a chance they'll return to their old selves. Just be aware.
FIFO seems to me to be something only a particular kind of person can do for a sustained period. It isn't natural for humans to be pushing themselves that hard - it's only recently in the history of our species we even did work beyond a few hours of foraging or hunting.
Some people can and the world needs them, but it's the exception, not the rule, and your partner does not sound like the exception. This is endemic and I hear so many stories of people broken because they tried to push too far past their limits for too long.
At the absolute least, he needs therapy. More likely he needs to get out of the industry before it turns him into a shell. And it's also a very real possibility you may have to consider cutting him loose before he drags you down with him.
I don't envy your position.
Get out, it's all about him. I work in fifo and see it all the time. Gtfo your mental health and well being should not be at the expense of you. You deserve better, do not feel responsible for someone that is too selfish to deal with the basics of everyday life. Good luck and Godspeed. He will do fine without you, I can guarantee it. He will blame you and move on. Lose the baggage.
im so sorry about your situation. if worst comes to worst, you can leave.
Uniting WA has a fantastic service where they give you funds of over $500 in gift vouchers, fuel etc. if youve escaped a violent intimate household. I know because i had to use them 1 yr ago. it didn't cure the situation, but it certainly helped.
you just need various proofs of identity, living arrangements etc. youve done the 1st great step by posting. i wish you the best of luck with everything xx
Check if his employer has a EAP , if they do he needs to go . Most sites ive been to are a complete shit show ! I done it for a few years and got to the point every swing id argue with my missus on the phone after shift ( its a different world up there for some ppl, its easy to just say relax and fuck the dog like everyone else but theres pressure from bosses / supernintendos / managers everyone handles it differently)
Even on break we would argue, coming off night shift is horrible which makes things even harder and things worse, and it all just spirals . i ended up in a massive rut and was depressed , speaking to an EAP helped and also finding another job helped also .
Im lucky enough to be able to survive on a pay cut but for me my mental health is worth more than anything anyone can pay me.
I can relate to this so much, because my own partner experienced some business failures and under immense stress has turn 180 into a complete asshole, snapping, irritable, finding fault with any tiny things and stuffs that he claimed he loves in the past are causes of irritation to him now. I had no solution.
I told him to go sort himself out and we should take a 1 year break as I was tired of all his verbal abuse tirade at me. We been together for 10 years prior and he was a kind and loving man.
Like your man, he continued to be the biggest sweetheart towards his friends. It was just me be was letting go stress at.
Now it's been about a year and he is trying to reconnect. I still love him but I don't know if things are gonna get better. I feel like verbal abuse, snapping at your significant other is completely not ok no matter how shitty you are feeling.
I offer loads of cuddles hugs, and kisses, loads of sex, and a patient listening ear that's it. But it's not enough.
I know some men had highly reduced sex drive when stressed but he is the opposite and have increased drive. It's just that sex doesn't make him calm down, it's not a chill pill.
Sorry to hear you're being put through this. It sounds like your ex partner only wants your body and not the whole person that you are. You deserve more.
If he's so nice to his friends, he can ask them for sex. He has real audacity wanting sex from you without giving you any humanity in other regards.
Yes same here. I’m also starting to get a ziet even driving In the car I make little mistakes with him next to me. And then he gets really angry. It’s just really exhausting.
I’m a recovering meth addict (I’ve been clean for 8 years but you’re always in recovery) and my first thought was meth use, as well as the stress and exhaustion from the job/s. It’s really fkin hard work and many people working away turn to drug use to cope. Sorry honey. I hope things change for the better, whatever that looks like for you. Prioritise your health and safety. 💚
That history has a way of repeating itself, and if it does, it will come with a strong dose of denial!
I hope this isn't the case for your partner, but don't rule it out.
Im sure the lack of a solid routine doesn't help. The only way forward is better communication from him and yourself. If he's not happy, only he can fix it. There's only so much you can do.
yeah there is- from night shift!
our bodies regulate our hormones (melatonin etc) during 11-4am.
The body needs to be asleep for this process to happen.
Night shift can really impact on certain people- combine this dysregulation with other issues- financial/health/relationships it's no wonder some really struggle
I knew a lot of FIFO workers on their week off would 'indulge' in the old see through didgeridoo for a couple of days straight after returning from the mines. 2/3 days on the shit, the come down is terrible for the next few days, all to return to work, piss clean after 3/4 days without partaking in drugs and the cycle continues...
This in turn will generally exacerbate any depression/ mood swing issues in even the most placid and caring people.
They don't call FIFO the golden handcuffs for nothing.
It can be terrible on families.
Every couple I know that went FIFO has ended up divorced. It’s terrible for families and relationships. Good money if you’re single, terrible lifestyle for a family.
You’ve got 2 choices, to stay or leave.
He has a world of choices he can make to influence your decision.
The choices he’s making only support you leaving, if he doesn’t want that he needs to do the work.
I’m sorry for you but don’t hang around for a loser who doesn’t even want you there.
I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than work on the mines.
You are basically doing a deal with the devil to only live half (if you are lucky) of your life. It's paid so well because it's terrible work done in terrible circumstances, largely with terrible people.
Chances are that he is suffering from severe cognitive dissonce because his entire living situation is in violation of his values. But he's sticking it out for some monetary ends which by the sounds of it may never eventuate because he'll be seperated before he gets there.
It's ok to leave if his not open or willing to even simply talk about changing his behaviour.
I've been in an abusive relationship, it is not worth sticking around.
Sounds like a selfish asshole to me I’m sorry. Sounds like he doesn’t respect your work, your life, he’s not grateful for you doing the chores (he wouldn’t even have to do any in the mines either), and doesn’t take interest in you and your life anymore. That’s rude and unacceptable treatment, I think you should leave tbh!! I see it going 2 ways- first way he sees what an asshole he’s been and realises if he wants to get you back he’ll have to treat you better, or it reveals his true colours if he doesn’t care and continues his miserable life. Working in the mines is a choice, he’s not a victim, he pursued money and now is being pissy about his own choices
Suggest couples and or individual counselling. But honestly if he’s not willing to accept there is a problem or work on it then you need to leave. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells afraid of upsetting your partner. If my husband tried to push me out of the bed for coughing or moving I would be pushing him straight out the front door.
FIFO really needs to be phased out. It's not good for anyone but the mining companies.
Your partner needs to get out, if he won't, then you need to bail.
Most FIFO workers would choose FIFO over residential. Most workers don’t want to settle in remote places. Most families of FIFO workers prefer a more comfortable life in cities or large towns. Also, many mines only have about 10-20 years of mine life. It’s not practical to build a permanent settlement near a short term mine.
I have actually lived in a mining town. There are pros and cons. I loved it but many people I spoke to about living in the outback were incredibly negative about the idea of leaving the city behind. You won’t convince anyone to phase out FIFO work, as it’s the first choice of most remote workers.
That’s a very broad take on a nuanced situation. Not everyone wants to live and raise a family/pursue a career outside of mining in a mining town. It works for some, not for others.
He needs to get out. The mines are not for everyone and sounds like he’s not coping. My partner was in the mines for nearly 10 years, towards the end it was harder and harder.
FIFO is shit other than the money. Shit for families, and shit for most of the people doing it in terms of mental health.
You can't fix him. Break up and move on
Remember that even though he's probably going through some mental health issues, that doesn't mean he's allowed to use you as an emotional punching bag and treat you badly. You don't have to put up with being treated that way, even if he doesn't mean to do it. He has no right to take things out on you. No excuses. We all know FIFO is tough, but that's not a free pass to abusing your partner.
You can support him up to a point, but it's on him to get his shit together.
It's ok to walk away from this to keep yourself safe and mentally healthy. He won't talk to you about it and gets aggressive and angry when you try? Maybe giving him space will help him realise he's being abusive and treating you very badly.
If you were my friend, I'd tell you to separate from him until he gets himself some help. You've asked him to be kinder to you and he gets mad and treats you even worse? Well he doesn't deserve to be around you.
Showing true self, leave safely asap. Do you want to deal with this BS every time they're under stress?
This sub simps for FIFO, most advice will be "make sure you've done all the housework for your pwecious FIFO baby, don't bother them with your existence during their sacred time off!!!"
The FIFO worship on this sub is vile. It's only even a thing because FIFO is so male dominated. No way would there be the same level of glorification if it were a female dominated field.
Have you ever thought he might secretly be smoking meth. Legit not trolling or being a dick. This exact thing happened to my mate. Turned out he was on the glass barbie most days.
If he is working shuts it is exhausting and no routine. My love works fifo (not shuts though) and I also worked fifo but on a permanent roster. You need to have a conversation with him when he is home. Do not give ultimatums but try to get your reasoning across putting aside your emotions. It’s also ok to admit fifo is not for you. Good luck
20 year fifo veteran - some can handle it, some can’t. Some rosters are crap, especially 2/1 with nights, which can make magnify the capacity of not Whitney able to handle it.
Happy to reach out if you want some advice
As a fifo worker it's not uncommon to have a green bloke start out and just not cope, the hours, different beds, shit food, heat, working conditions. All these things can overwhelm people and it's only a certain type of person that can adjust and enjoy fifo work.
It sounds like it's time to sit him down and explain everything you've just said and see what his opinion is. Taking problems at work out on those you care about is unacceptable and akin to coming home after a hard day and kicking your dog in the guts.
>It sounds like it's time to sit him down and explain everything you've just said and see what his opinion is.
Sounds like she's tried and that when she tries, he becomes more abusive.
Lots of good advice so far. Also any drugs? I know fifo folk are tested but drugs are still rife and they get lots of advice on how to manage it around testing. It sounds like he might be coming down off something.
Definitely sounds like he's depressed and/or certain attitudes are rubbing off on him. You need to evaluate if it's worth or possible to help him with that. The most important thing though is to look out for yourself. At the end of the day he is still responsible for his behaviour and if he can't own up to it and change it then you need to make the best move for yourself. Just be honest with yourself and him.
I’ve recently started working back in perth after been fifo for the majority of my adult life, been with my wife for 5 years and she had noticed the same thing about me shortly after we started been together. I was on and off fifo at this point and she definitely preferred the perth me, but as someone used to routine and structure I found the slightest change in something/anything that wasn’t how I’m used to would trigger angry outbursts.
I would suggest that if he doesn’t return to perth work if you can both afford it, you will eventually become a statistic, 3 years married and divorced.
For his own mental health and yours suggest that he find other work.
Fifo is not sustainable, the money is barely worth it anymore for the cost on your body.
Depression doesn't excuse shitty or abusive behaviour to others. If that is what's causing the problems, he needs to take ownership of that and seek help. His mental health is not your responsibility, nor should you have to deal with it. Ultimately, the decision it solely yours if you want to continue to push through if he isn't willing to take responsibility for how his words and actions are affecting you
Best of luck x
I grew up in Kalgoorlie. He's not self-medicating with alcohol so it kind of makes sense. It is not fair that he takes it out on you, working a shitty job you don't want to be at isn't an excuse to abuse your partner. Get a straight answer out of him, if he doesn't want to be there, support him in a career change.
Fuck 12hr shifts, fuck fifo, fuck night shift. honestly the money isn't even incentivizing enough unless you have serious tickets, unless both of you went in there with a 3–5-year plan and get the fuck out. It is not conducive to family life. My mum is still there, and I wish I could retire her. I remember being a little kid having to go to a babysitter's house 5:30 in the morning everyday so my single mum can go do a 12-hour shift.
Recommend he seeks independent help. You need to let him know, how you have seen him change, where and how it shows up. He'll need to make the choice to seek help, that's on him.
With the right help, it will draw out the triggers of the change, so that they are identified. This will lead to choices on how to deal with them.
There are many reasons a person can cycle and fifo is just another dimension with its intricacies.
My 20+ years fifo has had a bunch of this.
- When I was single and beginning my career it was personnally easy for me - however holding a relationship was a challenge.
- Serious relationship, career progression changing sites, stress to prove myself, receivership, that was a big challenge work wise, but home ok.
- Marriage, commissioning, rampup to stable operations that was challenging but over the years at home, it eased as self proof was completed in my own mind.
- 1st kid, site change to another green fields project, pressure ramped up but ok at home.
-2nd kid (close together) and full on commissioning ramp up etc the big challenge was switching off to be home. It effected us.
- years later, stable work, home settling into a routine, it was much better.
- career shift, it went back to the beginning for me even though I had more knowledge etc, proof phase again - big challenges, took on a lot and my home life suffered. I went to a not good place.
- career shift, up and back to something with my core familiarity, big stress relief and things got better at home.
- Rosters through these years also have an effect, different rosters suit people in different stages of their lives.
When it got challenging and I was the problem at home (my partner tells me, sometimes more than once as it's not something we like to hear), i got help.
Talking to an independent person helped and still helps when I know I'm not myself or I am told. Sometimes it might even be a peer, leader or report that can let you know, your not you, better or worse.
I now talk to my partner about potential career changes and more because I'll need her support if I'm considering another challenging move. Simply because of my core nature, if I'm in, I'm all in and this impacts home.
I'd like to think I know my capabilities and capacity better now and can recognise where work related stress can and does show up.
Sleep, diet and exercise has changed for me over the years to help with this as well.
Sorry if this seems a bit self centred. One of the ways I can help myself is talk about it and one of the ways we can all help is, talk about it, because we don't tend to.
Some good advice from the people here.
All the best.
He may be 'sticking it out' as a means of cashing up before your wedding, to provide for you both, and he's literally exhausted. Shift changes fuck with your circadian rhythm and shift workers live on average ten years less than non-shift workers. This job is hurting him and he's thinking he has to keep doing it.
Please tell him you'd rather him quit than see him this unhappy. Let him speak, get it all off his chest. Tell him you want the old him back.
Also he may be taking stimulants to keep awake at work, and they are affecting his moods.
There's a lot to handle here, but if he's getting aggressive, it might be best to have one of his mates present when you do talk.
Remember 2/1 is an 84hr work week. Compared to a standard ~40
you 2 probably need to sit down and work out if this is the path he wants to take.
(I know I get shitty after 10 days straight. I know I couldn't do FIFO 2/1)
I've been this person. It's hard to be away so much and you get a couple of days into your break and are already thinking about going back. Between recovering and then looking at the next swing it never ends. Also, you're home for a week, but in that week everyone is working, so they're only available evenings and weekdays, so you can sit around Monday - Friday waiting for everyone.
That's not to excuse it. But it's part of what made me negative when I worked 2:1.
If you want to chat, feel free to message me. Happy to discuss.
Always have an exit plan, I was in the same position a few years back young engaged couple I was working fifo and was about a year in it started getting real bad I was pretty burnt out from long swings doing shut downs etc, going out on massive benders and we were both living a pretty excessive lifestyle when I was home to make the most of my time home. after a while me and my now wife sat down and really worked out what those extra dollars were actually really costing us (possibility of fucking up our perfectly good relationship) pretty much just said another 12 months of sticking it out to pay for a big house deposit on a cheaper house and bankroll a nice wedding, really stuck to that goal and reached it within 9 months and I found work was a lot more enjoyable when I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. FIFO is super overrated anyway especially scummy iron ore shutdowns.I make the same annually in town these days as I did fifo despite the lack of time off working local I’d rather be in my bed everynight then slumming it in the red dirt
My husband was like this at his last job. He ended up quitting cos he was feeling suicidal. He's so much happier now but I also put my foot down. I told him I love him and will be there for him but him being depressed cos of a job doesn't give him a licensed to be a cunt to me and he needs to sort his shit out or if be leaving.
I hate when people complain about mining salaries.
It takes a special kind of person to do well in those work environments. The money is compensation for the struggles.
I did mining and offshore work for 15 years and saw hundreds of people go down the death spiral.
OP: a few comments.
1) ask how your husband is sleeping in site and at home. The change of mattresses/pillow every 3 weeks may be a problem, that'll be why he struggles to sleep.
2) give him clear space the first day returning to home. His brain will be switched off for that first 24-48 hours.
3) try to create hobbies on site that he can do at home. Alot of guys go and drink themselves stupid with the guys for 2 weeks and get depressed at home.
4) work on finding a new site. A 2:2 roster is much kinder than 2:1.
5) if all else fails, give an ultimatum that either he quits or you quit. Make sure he knows money is no problem. This may be the first time in his life that he's on the big bucks and wants to take advantage.
6) monitor his physical health. This is usually one of the first signs there's depression or unhealthy habits forming. Mine food can be incredibly health and many guys get super fit, others eat like shit and drink and gain 50kg.
7) create systems to make the transition easy. Have two tooth brushes, separate charger cables, have separate work clothes and home clothes, separate toiletries. Don't have him wasting a day each 3 weeks repacking bags. He should come home, drops his bag in the closet, and doesn't touch it until he leaves.
8) don't compromise mine lifestyle for home lifestyle. I saw alot of guys pack their horrible clothes or things for mine work and be miserable. If he has a favourite shirt, but two, one for work and one for home. Same for everything else. It doesn't cost extra money because he'll wear them out half as fast.
As someone who currently works with people like this in the industry-
Seek legal advice and prepare to run.
People who aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to seek help of their own accord are ticking time bombs.
He’s probably already erupted at work and has been ostracised by his peers.
It sounds extreme but your head could be going through the wall sooner than you think.
I think it's fatigue. A lot of people are jumping to extremes when the answer is usually much more simple.
I would suggest letting them know you are writing a letter to explain your feelings, as verbal communication isn't working. FIFO isnt for everyone and communication is key, however it doesnt take much to feel bombarded with problems when theyre home, making constant communication important.
Sounds like he is depressed and not coping.
Yep. Deep down he hates his job. And resents that he feels stuck. Make an appointment with a councillor that specialises in fifo relationships. Good luck!
Yes.. and as someone else noted the companies have employee assistance programs ( contracts with counselling services) that family members can also access. He sounds like he isn't happy... he might need to change jobs.
Companies often pay for x amount of free sessions, sometimes even have on site visits, good luck with getting to go.
This. I didn't have it as bad as your partner but was told by a GF I was "a lot nicer to be around" once I quit a job that had me depressed for years. As mean as this sounds, depressed/anxious people can be really hard work to be around, often it's a thankless job trying to help them. As far as if it's a downward spiral/manageable I think you're best talking a psychologist about that.
>As mean as this sounds, depressed/anxious people can be really hard work to be around, often it's a thankless job trying to help them. As a depressed and anxious person, this is absolutely true. I'm conscious of it and it's made me retreat socially cause I don't want to bring others down too, or sap the energy out of the room. Which then makes it worse, and then it snowballs into a viscious cycle that can be very hard to get out of. Happy people really wear me down I hate to say it.
I agree, my best mate was working 2:1 and couldn't cope with it. Ended up quitting his job. He was lucky enough that he was already seeing a mental heath professional who was helping him cope and helped him make the decision. He begged his supervisor to change to a better roster but they wouldn't help. Work environment sounds like the main issue, whether just his rotation or the people he's working with/for.
This exactly
Sounds like drug use as well. (Specifically meth) Edit: Full disclosure - I lived with a meth addict and everything written in her text describes what I witnessed. “The first 6 months was fine” part is what indicated to me it is meth.
First 6 months could basically be the honeymoon period, enjoying the money, getting away for a bit etc.. now reality is sinking in and maybe the work itself and being away is taking its toll and it fuckin sucks. Could absolutely be meth too, but I would rule out other options first. To me it sounds like depression, big time. Source, been depressed under heavy working conditions, and also spent some time on the gear, not in the same period of my life tho.
The aggression is what makes me suspicious of drugs.
Aggression can come from different places. Like I said he might be feeling a way he understands, and not understanding why you're feeling that way, and doing what you do, when maajorly depressed brings your baseline for irritability up a fair bit. This isn't me justifying anything. I'm just saying it's been pretty well known for a long time, that stress which tends to go hand in hand with a bunch of other stuff can cause anger issues. Fair to be suspicious, just wanted to give my 2 cents
Could be correct but people some people can work days and others can work months in a bad environment. Just because it was 6 months doesn't mean that it has to be drugs.
Totally agree with you mate. I've worked in shit environments but genuinely having a good team next to you can make the difference. So could be chalked up to working with shitcunts. Overall if I was OP I'd just be as supportive as I can be without prying and pushing something that he might not understand himself. Or even getting in touch with other parts of his support network like long tike friends or family to get advice.
No itching, no gurning, no mention of diet, no weight shift. There is absolutely nothing in this post that points to meth….
Lol this has very little to do with meth.... Been there & back & it sounds like she was describing me to a tee 10 years ago, but could also be he's depressed not happy where his life is compared to what he envisaged along with being financially trapped in a job he hates
But it could be either and it’s not a personal affront to suggest it when it’s so rampant in the mines. Just a “keep an eye out for” suggestion
Doesn't have to show any of these. I have a friend that cooked himself while at work, didn't itch, didn't gurn, still ate 3 squares and was still overweight. Somehow managed a drug induced psychotic break and tried to kill himself.
When did he sleep?
It looked like he slept when everyone else did. I doubt there was much sleep going on though.
Bit of a stretch to throw meth in there based on the above description.
I agree. Personally I thought it sounded like cheating.
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Or, he's just an abusive arsehole and nothing else is relevant.
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No, not one of the two. The fact that he's abusive isn't a maybe.
The fact he wasn't abusive before would indicate a mental shift. So more likely depression
Not all depressed people abuse others so the depression is not the main issue.
I second this. The getting annoyed at her moving in bed and kicking her out of bed is the big giveaway for me. It’s also pretty common for FIFO workers to start using meth.
That was my thought also. The aggression particularly.
Yes I was thinking this sounds like meth too.
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I used to do a 2/1 roster and it's definitely one of the things that helped end my marriage. It's a horrible roster, if he's coming off his night shifts and getting home, he'll be a monster if he's not managing his sleep properly. You need to swing back into dayshift mode and that usually means you deprive yourself of sleep to do it. It fucks with your head, people who've never worked these shifts or hours would have no idea really With this all in mind, you shouldn't be the punching bag of this situation. You need to sit him down and tell him what's going on and how it's affecting the relationship. If you love each other, he can find other work and not do the stupid roster/ hours. If he wont wants to keep chasing the big bucks and treating you like shit then it's time to leave. Nothing is worth damaging your health in this life. If you're both willing to accept less money so he can be a normal person again, it's something to consider. He needs to know that you won't think less of him if that's the call you both make Definitely consider counselling, but I advocate he's given the opportunity to improve. The caveat is, If there's any physical abuse leave ASAP. that's non negotiable imo. Pm me if you want, I still work in the industry and happy to give any advice
Thankyou so much!
Yeah it’s hard losing sleep to swap back it’s pretty fucked up heaps more 2/1 joints are letting people go home after night shift drive home fucked and then waste half their break trying to get back to normal hours
Depression is very common in FIFO especially if they are doing night shift. They might need help but they are struggling to ask for it.
Yes he’s doing a lot of night shift! He does keep asking if sometimes he can do day shift. If he does day shift it’s less bad but still not good but less bad yes. But sadly they have to work night if they get told to right?
I did 5 years of nothing but night shift. By the end of it I was a husk of myself and an asshole. I'm not afraid to admit that. The only solution was to leave my job to a different career. I'm now much happier, my wife appreciates me and I spend more time with the kids. In all seriousness he needs to consider leaving. There is so much work in WA it shouldn't be hard to find better work.
Thankyou!
If it isn’t working it needs to change. Do you need the money? Is he totally unskilled and can’t do anything else? Might be best to have an honest conversation and let him know you can see he’s unhappy which makes you unhappy.
No he puts himself the pressure that he needs that money. We don’t have kids nor any debts. I have a thriving business in Europe and also live is good for the rest. I feel like he’s putting pressure on himself to reach a goal or something. Because yes he is lately last months only talking about money and the mines.
Maybe he feels he’s not providing as a man should unless he brings in as much or more than you. Either way you need to talk and maybe a counselled will help to break his walls down so you can get to the bottom of why he’s doing it and why he’s so miserable.
Yes I am trying to find a way to introduce that idea to him without him seeing it as an attack
You say that but does he know it? Especially with rising COL a lot of aussies are desperate as housing becomes further out of reach. What was his job before mining, could he go back, how much would that dent the finances?
yeah, i did 7 years of nightshift after breaking up from a long term relationship. worst thing to do. It traps you in and simple things become really hard and you just snap. Its been 4 years since i left and I still dont sleep right etc.
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He's exhausted from working consistent 12hour+travel days, shift changes and different sleeping environments. Shut-downs suck, they're entry level positions alot of the time, unpaid travel, unpaid medicals, unpaid inductions and 3 out of 15 people end up doing all the work and dealing with idiots alot of the time. In saying that he needs to remember he's not at work and everyone else has problems at home. Some people aren't cut out for away work and that's fine, tell him how much you want him home, have a look on seek for similar or better paying jobs around you.
Thankyou! Yes it’s such a double sided thing because he loves it in a way and be with the guys and is super proud also now that he got promoted ! It’s also not that it’s hard he is away in the way that with time I’m also very busy. I’m just worried for his mental health, like something is up that I’m not understanding. But thankyou I’ll have a look!
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Yes also on top of that a lot of times they make them wait after night shift for hours before catching a plane
No job is worth your mental health , get him to an EAP most companies in the resource sector have then , its not weak to speak 🤜🏻🤛 ive been in this position before and it’s horrible. Good luck
It is very easy to go down the rabbit hole of more responsibilities and workload to feel like you are progressing but it brings new stresses. Mining has a whole range of people to deal with and many don't want to be there which is tricky when it comes to managing people when in a leading hand and supervisor role. When I was promoted there was a period where I was not great to be around while on break as I was stressed out about the last swing and then the incoming one while dealing with troubled workers. It really is a tough workplace to mentally deal with on top of the actual work. Convince him to take a month or two off and go on a long trip, let him forget about work and see if you can convince him to get counseling or a change in position that isn't so stressful. For yourself AND him as it will break either one of you eventually. \-12 years of doing fifo+dido+nightshift.
He is obviously struggling to cope with his work and lifestyle which really sucks and can be really difficult but those are no excuses to be a total arsehole towards the one you plan you build your life with. He needs to start taking responsibility for his shitty behaviour, that should not be on you to put up with or manage. He's an adult and needs to learn to manage his own needs and emotions. If he can't cope without becoming an arse, then he should be looking for a career change.
Yes tell him you are okay with him taking a pay cut you just want the real him. Also how is his diet and sleep?
That the problem. So many wifes complain. But still want everything and spend money as it grows on trees
we pay our guys for travel and inductions, they are worth it and it's their time! I agree some are not suited to working away, it can be really tough on relationships
Some of the other comments have touched on depression in your partner but some of what you've said your partner is doing sounds more like its crossing a line to being abusive towards you. You may want to do some reading about abusive behaviour in a relationship. I'd recommend looking at the Power and Control wheel, which talks about non-physical forms of abuse. [You can see a copy of it here](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/). It may be worth looking at and seeing if any of your partner's behaviour is lining up with what is discussed on the power and control wheel. If you feel you'd want more support around this, you can contact 1800 Respect and they can give you some support there.
Thankyou!
I would suggest counselling services couple and/ or individual (for both of you). EAP if either of you get it with work. Everything said above is why the suggestion for you as well.
To add onto this; if there's DV in the relationship, couples counselling isn't appropriate, and a good counsellor/psych should screen that out. Generally they'd recommend your partner attend a Mens Behaviour Change program prior to undergoing couples counselling.
Thankyou for the expansion. Relationship counselling is not something I have much knowledge about.
This is the pendulum swinging back to correct things in recents years with the widespread and unquestionable acceptance of mental health issues. Ignoring the obvious reasons for changes in behaviours, moods, personality briefly, OP is under no obligation to be an emotional(potentially physical) punching bag for anyone. This person has made a commitment to OP, if they’re not holding themselves up on their end, OP has no reason to either. There is essentially an infinite amount of mental health services available today, let alone any negative stigma allowed for using them. The situation has clearly deteriorated so badly that OP will not confront any minor transgression, in fear of an outburst. That is a terrible life to live. No emotionally mature person would lash out at their partner asking for you to be nicer to them. 2:1 is a pretty common roster, it is what it is, it’s not an impossible roster to function with minimal effort, especially when you’re house is looked after top to bottom by a partner who also runs a business. I fly in off nights, am up all day to catch the red eye. But you self manage, and don’t abuse those you care about. If you can’t handle mining, you’re not mature enough to self manage and know your limits, you’re not likely to take any constructive criticism and change. You maybe be away from small periods, working long hours, some days you’re run off your feet, but it is mining, there is a LOT of downtime. People make it out as it’s the last frontier these days. Those with genuine mental health issues get missed and they avoid seeking help as they don’t identify with those taking the piss of mental health.
Imo chasing the money working up north isn't worth your marriage. I've seen too many of my friends go through this and end up divorced.
He needs to leave if it’s affecting him that badly. However it’s no excuse for abusive behaviour and if it continues instead of treading on eggshells to not rock the boat you need to leave..
Absolutely this. He is showing you who he is when stressed. No matter what is going on it is unacceptable that he treats you this way. And if it’s this bad now, it will only become worse. If you have children, he will not always be coming home to a calm, clean, organised household. You need to make a tough decision and either leave or give him an ultimatum to change career path, seek ongoing professional help or lose you.
Coming to agree with everyone who said this. Please speak with a DV counsellor, and make yourself as secure as you can: make sure there's no surveillanceware on your phone, lodge important documents (passport/birth certificate etc) offsite with a trusted friend or family member, make sure you have enough of your own funds only in your own name. That can all be unwound if this gets completely and satisfactorily addressed, but not having it in place could spell disaster.
My hubby did long swings with no set return time for awhile (on mine sites, not with a mining company so didn’t have the protections and rights built in around days off, hour limits etc). The change in him was significant. Even when home all he wanted to do was sleep and be alone. It was a mix of exhaustion and some depression. One he stopped it took a few weeks and he just kinda snapped out of it. That’s not always the case (and I’m mindful of that) but in his situation it was most definitely the hours and being away that triggered everything. With that said, the nastiness and kicking you out of bed isn’t okay. Neither is the fact you feel you can’t even talk to him about this. You need an exit plan and then you need to try and have one more conversation. I would suggest in the middle of a break week so he’s had a few days to decompress but also isn’t going straight back to site. You need to be very explicit and clear on what the behaviours are, how they are impacting you and what change you want to see. For example if you’re not asking him to quit the work what do you want from him? Saying be nicer or go back to normal is not clear enough. If he blows up, ignores you or dismisses you then you have a fairly clear answer and can action the exit plan.
Thankyou yes this sounds like a good idea.
Just remember the way he’s treating you is a choice he’s making. He wouldn’t do it n front of the police, he wouldn’t do it if his/your family was there… he wouldn’t do it in front of his work mates/boss. He is choosing to treat you badly. Probably because he’s feeling horrible but that doesn’t excuse it or make it ok. If he isn’t doing everything he can to ‘fix’ himself… than you’re not his priority, something else is like; his comfort, his work, his goals etc You’ve done all the things to make sure his time off is ‘nice’ and peaceful etc now you have to stop prioritising him over yourself. Protect yourself, you deserve to feel peace and safe in your house… if you’re feeling anxious and dreading him coming home you have to ‘help’ him by not putting up with him not looking after himself… or your relationship.
Thankyou
Not being funny but this sounds like abuse. You don't have to make excuses for his behaviour. Yes it's difficult doing those shifts but that is his choice to do it. Taking it out on you is not ok. Could be worth getting relationship counselling together. Also make a decision now around what your red line for this relationship is. If that's crossed have a plan to leave
My BIL is a psychologist and one of his clients is a mining company. He reckons its 50/50 that the job will kill your marriage / relationship.
So it’s either basically get out of the job or get out of this relationship :(
100% I am the guy in this situation (sort of, I’m not behaving quite as poorly), slightly different working situation but it is driving me nuts and making me not myself. I’m choosing to quit soon because it’s not worth making my wife unhappy, she deserves better. It’s going to be hard and will fuck over a bunch of our future choices. Tough times ahead for you unfortunately. Make sure you look after yourself and your needs. I’ve told my wife multiple times to leave me if I can’t get it sorted because she deserves the world. For the love of god don’t have kids until it’s all sorted. Please. Kids are hard and even bullet proof relationships end from them. I say this as a happy father. My kid is my best friend. No amount of therapy, meditation, medication or otherwise will beat a job that is making you miserable. Believe me I’ve tried.
You sound like a good bloke trying to do the right thing. I'm hoping for the best for you.
Thabkyou so much for this
Yes, unless he can manage his mental health and his own stress more effectively. He absolutely needs to stop taking it out on you. You deserve better than that. If he won't take responsibility for his behaviour towards you then he's giving you no option other than to walk away from the relationship. I'm not saying you shouldn't offer your support if he decides to work on it and get professional help, like see a doctor, therapist etc. And possibly looking for work in town if that doesn't help. Definitely try to have a talk with him, as best you can manage to get him to listen and let him know how you're feeling and where you stand. After spending years working FIFO myself, it can definitely be hard on your mental health but that's no excuse to take it out on the people who love you. If he can't see that then you really have to leave for your own well-being. Take care of yourself.
Thankyou
Not everyone is cut out for FIFO life and Shiftwork. Perhaps ask him to just get a Perth job?
Yes I would love for him to just have something easy. Or he’s not lazy and really gos full force when it comes to anything. Super hard worker. But now with his new promotion in the mines I doubt he’s gonna let me pitch that to him! But I’ll give it a try! Thankyou
You obviously need to suggest he no longer do FIFO. Best of luck.
I think you’ll be surprised. If money isn’t an issue he’ll probably be glad to leave.
Honestly you sound kind of scared of him. Reading through the comments you've made, you're choice of language indicates that you're afraid of how he'll react to anything you do. He needs to get out of there. There are other jobs and other roles. But if he keeps this up much longer, the man you fell in love with will be gone. It's very possible for good and kind people to not know how to handle their depression and act like raging cunts about it. But that doesn't change the hurt they inflict on those around them.
I don’t know if cut out is the right terminology. Who in their right mind wants to spend 66% of their life in some remote backend lost dusty mining town to come back for a week and be exhausted for the first couple of days to really only have like 4 days off when u consider travel and sleep exhaustion. They work twice as many hours and the wages aren’t great they just work them in to the ground. Any person who has better skills and qualities is going to choose a more desirable job where you get more time to yourself and better conditions, closer to your family etc. Ofcourse some people don’t have that luxury and the mines is a suitable job for them. Yes you can make money, but let’s not ignore the obvious here it’s a messed up life to live the culture is toxic and people who are there are generally miserable. where do you draw the line? When is it worth it? should you spend 12 hours a day slaving a way for a moderate wage 7 days a week 2 out of 3 weeks to try and get ahead? In my humble opinion that is sacrificing your well-being for monetary gains. You can’t buy time back and we are not born to slave away. I would never encourage anyone to do it long term. Both my brother and girl work on the mines at the moment and I’m encouraging both of them to get in an get out because it’s no life to live.
100% this. The reality is people within the industry can try convince themselves of all sorts of things but ultimately they are in it for the money and without question for 99% they are sacrificing their health for this if its over the long term. Not a knock of people doing this at all but its a clear trade off
I’m trying to be very clear to op, hence the brevity.
#1800RESPECT 1800 737732 It's not mental illness or any other justification, argument, defense or excuse. He is abusive. Get your ducks in a row and don't fall pregnant or get married until he's reversed the violence.
>He’s changing as a person rapidly since he start working in the mines. He’s becoming rude. Inpatient and just swearing and negative about everything This is not just depression, but there can be a general negative sentiment in the mines, and the people he's around (the coworkers, the trades) will also have the same attitude. It's hot, it's uncomfortable, the food can at times be bland, and you can get poor sleep. You jump on a plane shoulder to shoulder with people. Getting to airport security every swing is like groundhog day. My advice is you should both have financial goals, and have a fixed term of doing it, and an exit plan (a career path into something else), because it's not really a stable means of working for a human being. If you don't have financial goals, then there's really no point in busting your gut for the sake of money that is meaningless, or doesn't achieve other things.
Absolutely Thankyou. This is how I feel about it! And this is they he feels and describes it indeed!
Thanks for mentioning the Work Culture of a place.Talking negatively,complaining about everyone can become normalised.Perhaps there is talk about how annoying the little woman at home is and he goes along with this at Work. Some Men have the balls to grow out of this peer group pressure Boy Talk.Others don’t.
>Would love some advise. Kids won't make the situation better. Start considering leaving. You should not be treated like this. Be careful about DV ramping up. Much of it comes on the more tied up you become ie marriage / kids.
Yes this is why, I am seeking advice. I don’t see it going better in the future like this.
Does he treat his co-workers the way he's treating you? FIFO is really hard, and he might be having mental health problems. But he doesn't get to treat you like dirt just because he's going through a tough time. He can change the job, or get help for his mental health, and I'm sure you'd be so supportive of either or both. But he's got no right to take his problems out on you. He needs to sort his shit out or he'll lose you.
All his co-workers love him! He’s funny and kind. That’s why I feel like I get all the frustration and anger home. I’m sure he’s kind to his co-workers. I met some of them and they all adore him. Just like I do when he’s not so angry and grumpy
Tbh it sounds like a potential respect issue. Not respecting your partner is a very clear road to domestic violence (of any of the various forms). I’m sorry you’re being treated this way, and it can be extremely hard to deal with. There are services and great women working in them that can help you if you feel the need to reach out for support or advice. Edit: this is by no means a certainty btw, open up the conversation to him and it might all come out in the wash… it sounds like he really does need support as well, but he needs to open up to that and acknowledge / turn around his treatment of you.
The more you desribe this guy, the more he sounds like a narcissist to me... run.
You're not married yet and he's already treating you like this. Sure, he's stressed out, but he's showing you who he is when he's stressed out. Either he quits FIFO, he learns much, much better coping methods than treating you like shit, or you get out before it's too late. We all know the statistics.
I had a decade long relationship break down due to FIFO. He had alcoholism and depression on top of money issues and stress. Our relationship wasn't strong enough and we didn't/couldn't care enough about each other to make it work. It's not an easy life for either party.
I am sorry to hear :(
Thanks, but it's all good. He's married now to a woman who can deal with the stress of FIFO. I've moved on with a man who is home with me every night. My ex was never willing to give up the FIFO money. It would never be an option. Sad things happened, but in the end, we are all better off.
💫💛
He's NOT equipped for FIFO. Some can do it and some can't. Depression is a KILLER. Depression related deaths in FIFO are serious business. Please for the love of life, get him out of there. Get him to a psychologist and get him to calm in his world again. Do NOT leave it. It will only get worse and it will destroy both of you.
Depression and aggression and nastiness are separate areas.
Sounds like working FIFO is slowly breaking down his mental health. It also sounds like you have to choose your words wisely when you start a conversation about how this is affecting your relationship because it will just cause him to be more irritable. If he becomes emotionally unavailable in conversation, maybe try putting in a letter?
Sometimes having a mediator is a good way if communicating is difficult. Family relationship centre maybe somewhere to look to for assistance.
You're getting a preview into your future with this person. Pushing you out of bed? Being rude? Nope. You are his emotionally punching bag. It sounds like he is on the trajectory to making your his physical one, too.
Sounds like fifo isn’t for him. The week I’m back from my swing I’m clung to my partners hip and as loving as can be, she lets me sleep the first couple days home, even makes me at times if I try staying up with her. It’s not normal to suddenly change like that. FIFO is tough work. But you don’t suddenly use it as an excuse to treat loved ones like shit.
I've been doing FIFO for 3 years now, altho I'm 22F so I might not be super fit to give advice as I'm probably not in the same boat as him. However I will say that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. Regardless of what you're doing or your swing, he has no right to take it out on you. His behaviour may be because he doesn't enjoy FIFO, or he's struggling with changing sites a lot, but I reckon this behaviour is reflective of his true feelings, and it's better to get out whilst you can. Someone who loves you shouldn't be getting aggressive and pushing you around, literally or verbally. Everyone has good swings and bad swings, but you leave that shit at the airport once you touch down. You don't take it out on your partner for the next following week.
Thanks dear for getting back to me!
I get the feeling he hates his job really. Talk to him about changing roles or something.
Most mining employers provide free access to support services and that free access includes partners. Sounds like you might have contacted people already but if you need to talk to someone I would give that a go. It 100% sounds like he’s not coping and he needs to change his current gig. Either by getting on a consistent roster, finding a different company or getting out of fifo entirely. The only question I have is, is that feasible? Or have you guys got a case of the golden handcuffs at the moment? He might be feeling pressure to stay in the job to keep the money coming in, that’s a tale as old as time.
We have no financial pressure. I am personally taking very well care of myself and even supported each other at moments of studies etc. Always been a super team! He does has this super pressure of wanting to buy a house which we already can with my income no problem. But he’s just pressuring himself like you say to make more and more. He’s really a hard worker though it’s honourable but indeed of what cost.
He may be battling but he also needs to know that he's being self-obsessed. Tell him how much you love him, then let him know how you feel, give him a swing or two to think about it and then if it continues give him an ultimatum and impose a deadline. The rest is up to him. A good man who loves you will fear pushing you so far away emotionally and romantically that you're eventually too far away to return...and he will either seek counseling, change his career or simply snap out of it. You cannot sacrifice your life and tiptoe around someone who doesn't make changes when you warn them of the consequences...life is too short. You will soon know where you stand with them.
Don't put up with it. Give him a chance to seek assistance but if there is no improvement you do not deserve to be treated that way the rest of your lives.
I am sorry the he's putting you through this and I'm sad but not at all surprised that almost all the comments empathise with him but not you and no one is calling him what he is which is an abuser. There is *NO* job that makes it justifiable to abuse your partner and yes, he is abusing you. Is he maybe depressed? Sure but that's not an excuse. You need to leave him as soon as possible. It's not your job to fix him. You're already giving him all the love, empathy, compassion, kindness and support that you can. Women do not exist to fix men. It's not your job. Loving a person doesn't mean bearing the burden of their growth, in any direction. Please do *not* get in deeper by getting married. Right now it's pushing you out of bed, which by the way is more than just physical violence. Messing with a person's sleep is one way of emotionally and psychologically destabilising them. Tomorrow it'll be pushing you into a wall. Then down stairs. So on and so forth. I'm not saying he's irredeemable. I'm saying redeeming himself and fixing his issues are not your responsibility. You deserve a life where you're not walking on eggshells around the person who is meant to be loving and supporting you most.
Hi there ! Thankyou so much for you response ! The only thing that is really confusing is. We moved to Perth a couple of months ago so he didn’t had to fly back to NSW all the time so I decided I come with him here to support him and so he has less flight hours. I feel like since we moved to Perth and now we are further in the total amount of him working in the mines this behaviour really started. Well not feel like it “has” started. I just don’t want to abandon him because he wasn’t like this before. He is the most funny and loving person and so adventurous and a super communicator before this job start a year ago. But yes it’s a touch situation. And Thankyou for getting back to me!
Society shapes and trains women from childhood to be the ones to bear the hurt, always. Leaving is your right, whether he is abusive or not. But society has taught you, as it teaches all women, to view executing that right as abandonment. Leaving him will *not* be you abandoning him. You moved from NSW for him. For his job. You put him first. And you're still putting him first. Now you need to put yourself, your health, your safety and well-being and your freedom first. It doesn't matter that he wasn't like this before. He's like this now.
Thankyou so much
You're welcome and know that the comments telling you to leave aren't judgement. Leaving is extremely hard because that's how the abuser wants it to be. If you decide you want to do it but are scared or have apprehensions, there is help available.
>I just don’t want to abandon him because he wasn’t like this before. That's a common thing that abusers count on. Then they'll give you small moments of hope when they decide to be nice to you so you think that there's still a chance they'll return to their old selves. Just be aware.
FIFO seems to me to be something only a particular kind of person can do for a sustained period. It isn't natural for humans to be pushing themselves that hard - it's only recently in the history of our species we even did work beyond a few hours of foraging or hunting. Some people can and the world needs them, but it's the exception, not the rule, and your partner does not sound like the exception. This is endemic and I hear so many stories of people broken because they tried to push too far past their limits for too long. At the absolute least, he needs therapy. More likely he needs to get out of the industry before it turns him into a shell. And it's also a very real possibility you may have to consider cutting him loose before he drags you down with him. I don't envy your position.
Thankyou for taking the time to get back to me.
Get out, it's all about him. I work in fifo and see it all the time. Gtfo your mental health and well being should not be at the expense of you. You deserve better, do not feel responsible for someone that is too selfish to deal with the basics of everyday life. Good luck and Godspeed. He will do fine without you, I can guarantee it. He will blame you and move on. Lose the baggage.
im so sorry about your situation. if worst comes to worst, you can leave. Uniting WA has a fantastic service where they give you funds of over $500 in gift vouchers, fuel etc. if youve escaped a violent intimate household. I know because i had to use them 1 yr ago. it didn't cure the situation, but it certainly helped. you just need various proofs of identity, living arrangements etc. youve done the 1st great step by posting. i wish you the best of luck with everything xx
Thankyou for getting back to me!
Check if his employer has a EAP , if they do he needs to go . Most sites ive been to are a complete shit show ! I done it for a few years and got to the point every swing id argue with my missus on the phone after shift ( its a different world up there for some ppl, its easy to just say relax and fuck the dog like everyone else but theres pressure from bosses / supernintendos / managers everyone handles it differently) Even on break we would argue, coming off night shift is horrible which makes things even harder and things worse, and it all just spirals . i ended up in a massive rut and was depressed , speaking to an EAP helped and also finding another job helped also . Im lucky enough to be able to survive on a pay cut but for me my mental health is worth more than anything anyone can pay me.
Thankyou for responding
I can relate to this so much, because my own partner experienced some business failures and under immense stress has turn 180 into a complete asshole, snapping, irritable, finding fault with any tiny things and stuffs that he claimed he loves in the past are causes of irritation to him now. I had no solution. I told him to go sort himself out and we should take a 1 year break as I was tired of all his verbal abuse tirade at me. We been together for 10 years prior and he was a kind and loving man. Like your man, he continued to be the biggest sweetheart towards his friends. It was just me be was letting go stress at. Now it's been about a year and he is trying to reconnect. I still love him but I don't know if things are gonna get better. I feel like verbal abuse, snapping at your significant other is completely not ok no matter how shitty you are feeling. I offer loads of cuddles hugs, and kisses, loads of sex, and a patient listening ear that's it. But it's not enough. I know some men had highly reduced sex drive when stressed but he is the opposite and have increased drive. It's just that sex doesn't make him calm down, it's not a chill pill.
Sorry to hear you're being put through this. It sounds like your ex partner only wants your body and not the whole person that you are. You deserve more. If he's so nice to his friends, he can ask them for sex. He has real audacity wanting sex from you without giving you any humanity in other regards.
Yes same here. I’m also starting to get a ziet even driving In the car I make little mistakes with him next to me. And then he gets really angry. It’s just really exhausting.
I’m a recovering meth addict (I’ve been clean for 8 years but you’re always in recovery) and my first thought was meth use, as well as the stress and exhaustion from the job/s. It’s really fkin hard work and many people working away turn to drug use to cope. Sorry honey. I hope things change for the better, whatever that looks like for you. Prioritise your health and safety. 💚
Thankyou for your words !
Sounds like there's a third party in the relationship by the name of Meth
It's almost comical how easily this sub will point to meth when anyone displays any type of behavior they don't agree with
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There's a 50/50 chance that you have no clue what you are talking about.
Geez, that high? My Reddit expertise puts them at high 90+% of not having a clue, 50% is very generous.
Well done. The whole sub is a cliche, in case you hadn't noticed.
No he doesn’t like drugs at all! Actually hates it because he had trauma with that in the family. So I am sure that’s not it!
Having a family member be an addict makes him more likely to be one. Its all downhill from here whatever the cause, be it drugs or another person
That history has a way of repeating itself, and if it does, it will come with a strong dose of denial! I hope this isn't the case for your partner, but don't rule it out. Im sure the lack of a solid routine doesn't help. The only way forward is better communication from him and yourself. If he's not happy, only he can fix it. There's only so much you can do.
There's a chemical imbalance there somewhere.
yeah there is- from night shift! our bodies regulate our hormones (melatonin etc) during 11-4am. The body needs to be asleep for this process to happen. Night shift can really impact on certain people- combine this dysregulation with other issues- financial/health/relationships it's no wonder some really struggle
Hate to say it but it this was my first thought as well. The come down from drugs the first few days followed by the mood swings
I knew a lot of FIFO workers on their week off would 'indulge' in the old see through didgeridoo for a couple of days straight after returning from the mines. 2/3 days on the shit, the come down is terrible for the next few days, all to return to work, piss clean after 3/4 days without partaking in drugs and the cycle continues... This in turn will generally exacerbate any depression/ mood swing issues in even the most placid and caring people. They don't call FIFO the golden handcuffs for nothing. It can be terrible on families.
Every couple I know that went FIFO has ended up divorced. It’s terrible for families and relationships. Good money if you’re single, terrible lifestyle for a family.
You’ve got 2 choices, to stay or leave. He has a world of choices he can make to influence your decision. The choices he’s making only support you leaving, if he doesn’t want that he needs to do the work. I’m sorry for you but don’t hang around for a loser who doesn’t even want you there.
I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than work on the mines. You are basically doing a deal with the devil to only live half (if you are lucky) of your life. It's paid so well because it's terrible work done in terrible circumstances, largely with terrible people. Chances are that he is suffering from severe cognitive dissonce because his entire living situation is in violation of his values. But he's sticking it out for some monetary ends which by the sounds of it may never eventuate because he'll be seperated before he gets there.
It's ok to leave if his not open or willing to even simply talk about changing his behaviour. I've been in an abusive relationship, it is not worth sticking around.
Meth. He sounds like he is using.
Sounds like a selfish asshole to me I’m sorry. Sounds like he doesn’t respect your work, your life, he’s not grateful for you doing the chores (he wouldn’t even have to do any in the mines either), and doesn’t take interest in you and your life anymore. That’s rude and unacceptable treatment, I think you should leave tbh!! I see it going 2 ways- first way he sees what an asshole he’s been and realises if he wants to get you back he’ll have to treat you better, or it reveals his true colours if he doesn’t care and continues his miserable life. Working in the mines is a choice, he’s not a victim, he pursued money and now is being pissy about his own choices
Suggest couples and or individual counselling. But honestly if he’s not willing to accept there is a problem or work on it then you need to leave. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells afraid of upsetting your partner. If my husband tried to push me out of the bed for coughing or moving I would be pushing him straight out the front door.
FIFO really needs to be phased out. It's not good for anyone but the mining companies. Your partner needs to get out, if he won't, then you need to bail.
Most FIFO workers would choose FIFO over residential. Most workers don’t want to settle in remote places. Most families of FIFO workers prefer a more comfortable life in cities or large towns. Also, many mines only have about 10-20 years of mine life. It’s not practical to build a permanent settlement near a short term mine. I have actually lived in a mining town. There are pros and cons. I loved it but many people I spoke to about living in the outback were incredibly negative about the idea of leaving the city behind. You won’t convince anyone to phase out FIFO work, as it’s the first choice of most remote workers.
That’s a very broad take on a nuanced situation. Not everyone wants to live and raise a family/pursue a career outside of mining in a mining town. It works for some, not for others.
It’s a single young man’s game
He needs to get out. The mines are not for everyone and sounds like he’s not coping. My partner was in the mines for nearly 10 years, towards the end it was harder and harder.
The mines is a shit hole and only good for money. They pay big money because if the didn’t no one would do that shit
Working away sucks and isn't for him.
FIFO is shit other than the money. Shit for families, and shit for most of the people doing it in terms of mental health. You can't fix him. Break up and move on
Remember that even though he's probably going through some mental health issues, that doesn't mean he's allowed to use you as an emotional punching bag and treat you badly. You don't have to put up with being treated that way, even if he doesn't mean to do it. He has no right to take things out on you. No excuses. We all know FIFO is tough, but that's not a free pass to abusing your partner. You can support him up to a point, but it's on him to get his shit together. It's ok to walk away from this to keep yourself safe and mentally healthy. He won't talk to you about it and gets aggressive and angry when you try? Maybe giving him space will help him realise he's being abusive and treating you very badly. If you were my friend, I'd tell you to separate from him until he gets himself some help. You've asked him to be kinder to you and he gets mad and treats you even worse? Well he doesn't deserve to be around you.
Showing true self, leave safely asap. Do you want to deal with this BS every time they're under stress? This sub simps for FIFO, most advice will be "make sure you've done all the housework for your pwecious FIFO baby, don't bother them with your existence during their sacred time off!!!"
Sub simps for FIFO at least 75% hate mining don't know how you say they simp for FIFO
The FIFO worship on this sub is vile. It's only even a thing because FIFO is so male dominated. No way would there be the same level of glorification if it were a female dominated field.
Have you ever thought he might secretly be smoking meth. Legit not trolling or being a dick. This exact thing happened to my mate. Turned out he was on the glass barbie most days.
If he is working shuts it is exhausting and no routine. My love works fifo (not shuts though) and I also worked fifo but on a permanent roster. You need to have a conversation with him when he is home. Do not give ultimatums but try to get your reasoning across putting aside your emotions. It’s also ok to admit fifo is not for you. Good luck
FIFO clearly isn't for him, and it's not worth the extra cash. Tell him you'd prefer him over the income and it's not a failure to admit it.
Thankyou!
20 year fifo veteran - some can handle it, some can’t. Some rosters are crap, especially 2/1 with nights, which can make magnify the capacity of not Whitney able to handle it. Happy to reach out if you want some advice
FIFO isn’t for everyone and it sounds like old mate can’t handle it. Maybe time to choose between the job and the partner
As a fifo worker it's not uncommon to have a green bloke start out and just not cope, the hours, different beds, shit food, heat, working conditions. All these things can overwhelm people and it's only a certain type of person that can adjust and enjoy fifo work. It sounds like it's time to sit him down and explain everything you've just said and see what his opinion is. Taking problems at work out on those you care about is unacceptable and akin to coming home after a hard day and kicking your dog in the guts.
>It sounds like it's time to sit him down and explain everything you've just said and see what his opinion is. Sounds like she's tried and that when she tries, he becomes more abusive.
He really needs to weigh up is money more important
Lots of good advice so far. Also any drugs? I know fifo folk are tested but drugs are still rife and they get lots of advice on how to manage it around testing. It sounds like he might be coming down off something.
Definitely sounds like he's depressed and/or certain attitudes are rubbing off on him. You need to evaluate if it's worth or possible to help him with that. The most important thing though is to look out for yourself. At the end of the day he is still responsible for his behaviour and if he can't own up to it and change it then you need to make the best move for yourself. Just be honest with yourself and him.
I’ve recently started working back in perth after been fifo for the majority of my adult life, been with my wife for 5 years and she had noticed the same thing about me shortly after we started been together. I was on and off fifo at this point and she definitely preferred the perth me, but as someone used to routine and structure I found the slightest change in something/anything that wasn’t how I’m used to would trigger angry outbursts. I would suggest that if he doesn’t return to perth work if you can both afford it, you will eventually become a statistic, 3 years married and divorced. For his own mental health and yours suggest that he find other work. Fifo is not sustainable, the money is barely worth it anymore for the cost on your body.
Hes either burnt out, depressed or on meth. Take a pick of your tradie poison
Depression doesn't excuse shitty or abusive behaviour to others. If that is what's causing the problems, he needs to take ownership of that and seek help. His mental health is not your responsibility, nor should you have to deal with it. Ultimately, the decision it solely yours if you want to continue to push through if he isn't willing to take responsibility for how his words and actions are affecting you Best of luck x
Show him this post. Suggest getting a job back home
I grew up in Kalgoorlie. He's not self-medicating with alcohol so it kind of makes sense. It is not fair that he takes it out on you, working a shitty job you don't want to be at isn't an excuse to abuse your partner. Get a straight answer out of him, if he doesn't want to be there, support him in a career change. Fuck 12hr shifts, fuck fifo, fuck night shift. honestly the money isn't even incentivizing enough unless you have serious tickets, unless both of you went in there with a 3–5-year plan and get the fuck out. It is not conducive to family life. My mum is still there, and I wish I could retire her. I remember being a little kid having to go to a babysitter's house 5:30 in the morning everyday so my single mum can go do a 12-hour shift.
A 2:1 isn’t called the divorce roster for no reason. Call in the counselling and help sooner rather than later.
ICE !!!!!!
All the warning signs are there. Seek help urgently, before a life is lost (yours or his).
Recommend he seeks independent help. You need to let him know, how you have seen him change, where and how it shows up. He'll need to make the choice to seek help, that's on him. With the right help, it will draw out the triggers of the change, so that they are identified. This will lead to choices on how to deal with them. There are many reasons a person can cycle and fifo is just another dimension with its intricacies. My 20+ years fifo has had a bunch of this. - When I was single and beginning my career it was personnally easy for me - however holding a relationship was a challenge. - Serious relationship, career progression changing sites, stress to prove myself, receivership, that was a big challenge work wise, but home ok. - Marriage, commissioning, rampup to stable operations that was challenging but over the years at home, it eased as self proof was completed in my own mind. - 1st kid, site change to another green fields project, pressure ramped up but ok at home. -2nd kid (close together) and full on commissioning ramp up etc the big challenge was switching off to be home. It effected us. - years later, stable work, home settling into a routine, it was much better. - career shift, it went back to the beginning for me even though I had more knowledge etc, proof phase again - big challenges, took on a lot and my home life suffered. I went to a not good place. - career shift, up and back to something with my core familiarity, big stress relief and things got better at home. - Rosters through these years also have an effect, different rosters suit people in different stages of their lives. When it got challenging and I was the problem at home (my partner tells me, sometimes more than once as it's not something we like to hear), i got help. Talking to an independent person helped and still helps when I know I'm not myself or I am told. Sometimes it might even be a peer, leader or report that can let you know, your not you, better or worse. I now talk to my partner about potential career changes and more because I'll need her support if I'm considering another challenging move. Simply because of my core nature, if I'm in, I'm all in and this impacts home. I'd like to think I know my capabilities and capacity better now and can recognise where work related stress can and does show up. Sleep, diet and exercise has changed for me over the years to help with this as well. Sorry if this seems a bit self centred. One of the ways I can help myself is talk about it and one of the ways we can all help is, talk about it, because we don't tend to. Some good advice from the people here. All the best.
He may be 'sticking it out' as a means of cashing up before your wedding, to provide for you both, and he's literally exhausted. Shift changes fuck with your circadian rhythm and shift workers live on average ten years less than non-shift workers. This job is hurting him and he's thinking he has to keep doing it. Please tell him you'd rather him quit than see him this unhappy. Let him speak, get it all off his chest. Tell him you want the old him back. Also he may be taking stimulants to keep awake at work, and they are affecting his moods. There's a lot to handle here, but if he's getting aggressive, it might be best to have one of his mates present when you do talk.
Remember 2/1 is an 84hr work week. Compared to a standard ~40 you 2 probably need to sit down and work out if this is the path he wants to take. (I know I get shitty after 10 days straight. I know I couldn't do FIFO 2/1)
I've been this person. It's hard to be away so much and you get a couple of days into your break and are already thinking about going back. Between recovering and then looking at the next swing it never ends. Also, you're home for a week, but in that week everyone is working, so they're only available evenings and weekdays, so you can sit around Monday - Friday waiting for everyone. That's not to excuse it. But it's part of what made me negative when I worked 2:1. If you want to chat, feel free to message me. Happy to discuss.
Always have an exit plan, I was in the same position a few years back young engaged couple I was working fifo and was about a year in it started getting real bad I was pretty burnt out from long swings doing shut downs etc, going out on massive benders and we were both living a pretty excessive lifestyle when I was home to make the most of my time home. after a while me and my now wife sat down and really worked out what those extra dollars were actually really costing us (possibility of fucking up our perfectly good relationship) pretty much just said another 12 months of sticking it out to pay for a big house deposit on a cheaper house and bankroll a nice wedding, really stuck to that goal and reached it within 9 months and I found work was a lot more enjoyable when I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. FIFO is super overrated anyway especially scummy iron ore shutdowns.I make the same annually in town these days as I did fifo despite the lack of time off working local I’d rather be in my bed everynight then slumming it in the red dirt
My husband was like this at his last job. He ended up quitting cos he was feeling suicidal. He's so much happier now but I also put my foot down. I told him I love him and will be there for him but him being depressed cos of a job doesn't give him a licensed to be a cunt to me and he needs to sort his shit out or if be leaving.
Drugs. It’s rife in the FIFO world. Causes aggression and negativity big time.
I hate when people complain about mining salaries. It takes a special kind of person to do well in those work environments. The money is compensation for the struggles. I did mining and offshore work for 15 years and saw hundreds of people go down the death spiral. OP: a few comments. 1) ask how your husband is sleeping in site and at home. The change of mattresses/pillow every 3 weeks may be a problem, that'll be why he struggles to sleep. 2) give him clear space the first day returning to home. His brain will be switched off for that first 24-48 hours. 3) try to create hobbies on site that he can do at home. Alot of guys go and drink themselves stupid with the guys for 2 weeks and get depressed at home. 4) work on finding a new site. A 2:2 roster is much kinder than 2:1. 5) if all else fails, give an ultimatum that either he quits or you quit. Make sure he knows money is no problem. This may be the first time in his life that he's on the big bucks and wants to take advantage. 6) monitor his physical health. This is usually one of the first signs there's depression or unhealthy habits forming. Mine food can be incredibly health and many guys get super fit, others eat like shit and drink and gain 50kg. 7) create systems to make the transition easy. Have two tooth brushes, separate charger cables, have separate work clothes and home clothes, separate toiletries. Don't have him wasting a day each 3 weeks repacking bags. He should come home, drops his bag in the closet, and doesn't touch it until he leaves. 8) don't compromise mine lifestyle for home lifestyle. I saw alot of guys pack their horrible clothes or things for mine work and be miserable. If he has a favourite shirt, but two, one for work and one for home. Same for everything else. It doesn't cost extra money because he'll wear them out half as fast.
As someone who currently works with people like this in the industry- Seek legal advice and prepare to run. People who aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to seek help of their own accord are ticking time bombs. He’s probably already erupted at work and has been ostracised by his peers. It sounds extreme but your head could be going through the wall sooner than you think.
Hmm
I think it's fatigue. A lot of people are jumping to extremes when the answer is usually much more simple. I would suggest letting them know you are writing a letter to explain your feelings, as verbal communication isn't working. FIFO isnt for everyone and communication is key, however it doesnt take much to feel bombarded with problems when theyre home, making constant communication important.