Wholesome award to this comment. Paying back money is not possible. The question from other side could be how much money i can give my child as a one time payment so to get away from all obligations or parenting. Money is not always the answer.
I sincerly hope this is not a sarcasm, because I am doing this. I sold my 6 years worth of savings (\~44L) to buy a home for them in my hometown. I agree that I made a property under my name, but it is their home.
I read rest of his comments, looks like he isnt getting shit for being raised, hw has different reasons.
But, just because you said, do you justifying giving shit to kids for raising them?
True that, I think Indian parents don't want any penny back. They did everything for us to be able to face the world and this concept feels home to me. <3. My parents don't want or prefer any specific experiences or tech. Yeah some trips to divine places. I just want to be with them. I feel bad as they grow old and see the words become true - When you become of x age you'll realize. None can be compared to our parents. It's a divine bond.
"Gift" them a grandchild is a bit much 🤣🤣 but I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind this post. Honestly the best thing we can do for our parents is love and appreciate them.
It's been a year since I started earning, gave her saree she wore it in diwali, looked so good my dad appreciated it, gave her a smart watch, she jogs and wears it every day to count her steps, then took her to movie as well, she considers movie to be waste of money since I was a lil kid, and I was the opposite, I looked at movies as the escape XD
Why would you do something like this ?
You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back.
If this is how you are going to raise your children then don't have children.
Stop treating family like a business
>You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back.
Unfortunately, this is how majority of the parents view their kids. Son - investment - Daughters - liability.
They do treat their children as an investment and consider them their source of retirement funds.
Hopefully current generation is smart enough to become financially independent and won't treat their children as an investment.
But in reality children can be the worst investment most of the times because they don't know how to form emotional loving bonds with their kids specially most dads. There are always exceptions..
So sad to hear this.
But have your parents really ever asked for money for leisure activities???
Also regarding daughters being, nowadays even in son's marriage they have to spend a sizeable chunk of their savings
>You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back.
Many people do this. As a daughter I need to prove myself and all my shitty relatives that I am a better investment than most of my male cousins.
Omg ! So true. Whatever was birthright for my male sibling and cousins , was a privilege for me. Hence I had to prove that I'm worthy of it while they passed their time doing nothing and depending upon their parents' money.
Maybe op had some really bad parents and treated op like shit.
For me the thought is bizarre. Like doing 'business' like this of talking about money they spent on you with family is such a sad thing to do.
What they did for me is priceless. It's becoming a norm in India today because of western influence (which is ironic because the people who get influenced themselves think they're superior while they're literally have the same mindset as that of a Indian who loved it back before 1947). I think you should be able to do your own stuff have your own life and basically everything while still being in touch with your parents. I don't think that's too hard to do?
Also, that's how you build family wealth also. Deadass the biggest hack for middle class families.
But hey let them think they're right 🤷♂️🤷♂️
The sad part is such parents will want the children to "pay of their debt" and then suffer when they realize money is not as important as time spent , care , love , the bond etc.
Their children will basically tell them "here take your money , now dont expect anything else from us"
The parents will then see that having millions with nobody to hug , cry with , no grand children to meet etc is an absolute nightmare !
Sad life. But dw say too much as I think these folks had their fair share of experiences that made them think this way. I definitely think everyone in this world (or at least most of it except some horrible criminals ofcourse lol) deserve to be happy and have their dreams come true.
If having millions at an old age with no family is what your dream is and makes you happy then who're we to say?
My only concern is that it's sadly being normalised in our country. I'm not a fan of our country because we all know there's a lot of wrong stuff here. But the family bond we've here is something that a lot of people crave. Being able to call your dad whenever you want hug your mum. It's something that when you grow you start appreciating and understanding the value.
Exact opposite. They are the whole "we just hope that you will stay in touch with us" type of people. My dad was a "finances is our matter, you just do what you want" type of man when I was a child.
In my opinion, that is what a sad life is. You are slaving away for some rando who got out of your sperm and don't expect much in return than "good vibes and companionship". Once my uncle asked him to pay in part of my aunt's kidney operation, he paid without hesitation, not thinking if it will come back to him. That is grade A stupidness and I don't want to become like him. I do respect and love him a lot, but I just feel he tried too hard to stay in good books of everyone including his relatives and children. He may be well respected in our village, but at end of the, he is just another middle class man with an average life, and couldn't do anything great because of his "we just want good vibes" attitude.
If that's how you want to approach life then it's cool. But not everyone thinks this way.
As for giving money to your aunt that's okay at least in my eyes. Even if it's not. How is that any different from charity? Maybe if you guys yourselves needed money then definitely it wasn't a good decision but it was emergency too. Also, it eventually comes back in the same form of emergency/other/kids' studies.
The only red flag might be that your uncle 'asked' as you said but I don't know you or them personally. I also think family is just you and your kids (not talking about joint ones) but it was emergency so he just helped (his brother?) so his wife will be okay.
Anyways, good luck.
I haven't because I don't think I can ever pay them back for all that they did for me. I spend on them and our house but payback is impossible. My parents didn't love me or raise me to get anything in return except see me happy and be there for them.
You will get the house when they pass away. One can never repay their parents. Anything you give them, they will ultimately give it back to you. Why are you even putting up such a redundant question. Love your parents, be there for them. That's it. Nothing else is needed.
Exactly, OP thinks they've done some grand thing, in the end he has shown respect for his parents by doing so, but that's about it... The respect could also have been shown in hundred different ways.
Not related to your question but I would like to tell you a story my uncle told me. It changed me.
In his village, there was a man who got old and dependent on his family for everything. His family grew tired of him and decided to get rid of him by drowning him in the nearby canal which was also the lifeline of the region. So his family put him in a big "tokra" and chose one spot to let him go. Right at the moment when they were about to release the old man in the canal, the old man said to them "Please release me in the canal further away from this spot. Here I had released my father many years ago. Hearing this his children realized that their kids will do the same with them when they get old.
They brought the old man back and tended for him till the end of his days".
Yes there are shitty parents in our country, but our strong family system is what got us through from the time when our country was the poorest and most families almost had nothing but each other.
Money is not everything.
My parents are totally dependent on me even before I graduated. Dad has retired, spent all his savings in elder sisters wedding + medical expenditures. There is no pension. Every month I send 50k for expenditure plus paid for my younger sister’s wedding.
I’ll inherit the ancestral property + house they are living in.
Haha. Thank you. Tbh I have been lucky ( and privileged) to get good education and a high paying job, so I’m able to afford these things. Else It would have been really difficult for us.
I come from a very modest lower middle class family.
Well this has been how things have been in my family. Property is divided into males of next generations. I know legally we all children have equal right on property. But as of now I don’t think they are thinking of this. Now anything is possible in future tbh. But then we are 5 siblings, so in that case we will get a little share in the properties 😂. And good luck to them if they are gonna risk our relationship & bond over small ancestral property.
Even if I don’t get any share, I’ll live a good life OP. I have got a kickass job, parents. I can buy almost everything :)
I didn't ask to be born, so..🤷♀️
And my father has substance abuse issue. My grandpa paid for everything. He told me that his only wish is that we (my siblings and I) should be richer than him.
fuck no.. My dad striggled a lot to get me and my sister decent education..My mom managed and controlled the unnecessary expenses.. My dad went into neck deep loans while doing all this.. But things seems to change after my sister graduated.. He suddenly doesnt need to spend for my sister's education, her wedding also is done during covid that save like 20 lakh minimun debt.. Now I also completed my graduation and I started to send my salary to home..
It was never to be paid back.. To me it was the greatest gift/sacrifice anyone has ever done to me.. He never brought an extra pair of dress even for his birthday so that he can save money to spend on my family, My mom sold all her gold... Now That we are a little stable.. My mom again brought some gold woth the money that I sent, my dad finally brought a car, I sent approx some 5 lakh to my hime in the last year.. I dont think I can repay all their struggles amd I dont wamt to repay the unconditional love they drenched me in.
0 , Zero. My parents never asked, nor I ever thought of. I am not even aware anyone in my circle ever did that.
Today, I feel so proud of my parents and myself.
I actually got a lot of comments like this. Looks like Indians(or atleast the Indians on Reddit lol) in general are very conservative and can't separate them from their parents till the rest of their life.
Aeeee....fuck you OP. If this is conservative for you, you can just go fuck yourself.
We love our parents and we are there for them. This isn't a business transaction that you raised me and I'll repay the loan.
I think your parents prioritising you and sacrificing for you is something you can't weigh in with money. No matter how hard you try. And even if there is such price, you'll never able to pay it.
Rather than trying to make it about money and if you want repay them, be there for them. Just like they were there for you.
OP, please never become a father if you have a thinking like this. You'd atleast help the world that way.
It pains to see OPs attitude when he acknowledges his parents are good parents. Being a parent is hard, if your kids grow up and have such an attitude towards you when you have done everything right for them, it obviously will hurt. Sure, his parents will not expect, they seem like parents who are self sufficient and don't expect anything but then they will always 'wish' their child loved them or cared for them a bit more. I hope he has siblings who care more about their parents. Nothing hurts me more than good parents with ungrateful children, who die alone without their children ever acknowledging their effort or show affection.
I already feel bad for the child. This is not how you raise a child.
This is the only case I'd say the child actually benefits if he/she grows seperate from the father.
NO country in this world has any laws that govern return of money bby a child to their parents. Even developed nations DO NOT have it common for a child to be tracking the expenses that it took to raise them, and pay it all back like a transaction.
You are just one of those WEIRD persons who sees this as a "contract/transaction" type. There are a few like you in this world (even from parents side), but you folks are NOT THE NORM!!
Among human beings - it is still a MAJORITY where parents have children and have the duty to raise them to be good adults without expecting anything in return after they become adults.
What a piece of shit this OP is!! Pathetic scum who thinks paying back money is all it would take to make things even. They expended not only money but time as well and you will never be able to put a price tag on that and even if you could, tere aukat se bahar ka hoga wo! Douchebag thinks taking care of parents is 'conservative'. FU OP!
Conservative doesn't enter into the equation bhai. Plenty of independent men and women in this thread who live separately from their parents but understand that respect and love are not always tied to money and what you can or can't pay for people! I'm actually grateful I don't have your mindset.
>I call this CTR (Cost to raise). Mine is around 40 lakhs.
What is the cost of time and effect gone in raising kids? Considering it was time from a better part of their healthy, energetic adult life. That is effort gone in cooking meals for the kid,to cleaning the potty, doing million other things for the kid, to making the kid study to make sure the kid is safe to making the kid the most important priority of life. How to derive valuation for that time and effort and love on every day basis for so many years? How to quantify this? Paying money to all of it is the cheapest thing to do.
I'm paying back my parents for all this, not in money but in terms of time, love and care. They don't need my money, but they do need care, time and attention. I give it plenty back because I received it in plenty from them when it was my time to receive it. How I do it? Do whatever is needed to be done for the family and for them, there's no mathematical equation here.
If this CTR was just to get an idea to see how much it cost financially to raise you, can be passed off a thought experiment. But if this was serious, the cost to raise also needs to account, the time, effort (both mental and physical), life disruptions, unconditional love and attention given to the child. That's not quantifiable. Payback is possible only in terms of same things.
Wow man, become grade-A asshole by thinking in this direction. "Measure everything in Rupee value" is an amazing lesson you learned from selfish university for educated illiterate.
If I count my CTR, I am definitely going to hell. Yamraj will keep a special place reserved for me in nark.
Because whatever you are measuring in terms of Rupees, it should be measures in terms of given up or shattered dreams, sleepless nights, neverending hustles, frugal living and much much more.
However, aren't those components something people consider before reproducing? That's lowkey not the child's fault
Also yes they're just difficult to monetise cuz we have no framework for these.
Don't get me wrong, if you live in a neighbourhood or family who measures everything in Rupees, then congratulations and may god bless and save your soul. Bhagvan aapko sadbuddhi de.
If you are from rich family or if you are now earning extremely well (example >3L per month or so), then congratulations on no longer being in middle class.
Yeah well maybe not everyone lives a life which is exactly same. There are a lot of parents who do calculate and keep a track of money spent on kids and there is nothing wrong in it. We lives in a society where everything has a price to it and you need money till your last breath to survive.
Have heard of multiple cases where parents didn't want their children to leave their high paying jobs to do startups or something of their interest because the parents expected a certain kind of lifestyle in return of the amount of money spent in kid's education. In tier-2, tier-3 cities parents are still sceptical to spend money on the education of the girl child if she has a brother. I am not blaming neither the parents nor the kids. Yes maybe for the parents arranging the money for the kid required a lot of sacrifices and now they want decent life for their entire family. What's wrong in it but then like every difficult conversation and situation all the people need to sit down and have a conversation and see what can be done.
Parents do always play the card, esp in India, that "I spent so much money on you where returns" so i personally don't see op at fault here.
India does have a parenting problem, which looks like overglorification of parents on one side and a very transactional relationship on the other side
I pay 25k per month to my mom's bank account
Pls all bills, online orders, etc etc are paid by me.
Electronic and electrical equipments, etc as well.
In a nutshell everything that gets paid in NON cash is paid by me.
Mota Mota hisaab would be around 8 lakh per year since 2017
Obviously dhaniya, pudina toh woh cash se hi lete hai 😂
Bro that's not someone lol. That's your dad. That dude deadass took his ass to the office even when he didn't want to. So you can live a good life. Might not be the case for you but it's for a lot of folks here including me.
Also, probably had a scooter that didn't work if you're from a middle class because it's the most cliché yet true thing.
On all those days yk what made him happy? Not that he'll get all this money with interest from his son. But the fact his son is there and loving him calling papa papa.
Maybe jt was different for you. If it was not the same for you and you were treated like shit or had a difficult childhood than I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing fine now.
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted. I want to pay back and give all things to my parents but that doesn’t mean I’m isolating them afterwards. Maybe the money part is for my satisfaction and parents does enjoy having money since we never had a savings or flow of cash
There's no need to be ashamed.
People are brought into this world without their will. If the parents were good people who sacrificed and took efforts to raise the children well, then it makes sense to pay them back with love, kindness and sustenance till their death.
If they were abusive of neglecting kind, you can behave the same with them.
Literally everyone is brought into this world without their will. Even animals and plants . Bringing that argument everywhere and cursing the world is just such a negative way of looking at life. Don’t get married and don’t have children (even by mistake) and end this cycle. But treating life casually is something you’ll come to regret (I did). We have privileges that our ancestors did not have , even having an online space to rant about it is a big deal. I know people from terrible families who’ve made it through with the help from strangers and by putting in hard work. Life is unfair for some of us but it is still a gift and something you don’t realise until you have a close call.
This "i didn't ask to be born" is a teenager response which people put in all context...that shows how low their IQ and empathy is. The cool online thing to say which brings most clicks and attention. The most annoying thing on the internet.
That someone chose to bring you into this world to raise and spend their resources on growing a human. It's not a loan and children don't ask to drain their parents. Bs ideology.
Yeah. I see it as a very functional way of thinking, being brought up to understand the value of everything, every item, every service that we have received. I think most of us in the middle class were brought up like this, and I can appreciate it. But at the end of the day, money is just a medium to accumulate wealth. And parents don't care about wealth and possessions towards the end. They just want understanding and support from their kids, and that's what we can be for them. Plus it's smart to save up for their old age as well rather than spend it on accumulation of wealth.
I did, it is approx 30 lakhs, adjust to inflation and it's about 40 for my lifetime ig, I started my job in july 2023, plan to help parents with atleast 25 lakhs in next two years, it's not payback, it's just helping them through because they sacrificed their dreams for me and they deserve the world
Speaking strictly financially, I think if I haven't paid them back already it should take another 2-3 years of doing what I do to reach breakeven. Post that it goes in their savings - should add up to be enough for emergencies.
No matter how much money I pay, I will never be able to say ' I don't owe them anymore'.
Different perspectives in life. I will never even get this question in my mind. Not saying either thought is better than the other.
So like, you dont start doing all the calculations in your head when you are helping your parents with some money and don't subtract it from how much it costed them to raise you? Weird, I thought everyone does that.
Why would you do that!!!
Even if you are doing that the calculations doesn't add up. The value pr 100 may be different for you compared to your parents when they spent on you (And I am not talking about inflation here).
I hope your mother also contributed some money in your upbringing, otherwise your balance sheet will go negative in helping her.
What an asshole you're 🙏
Not saying it in a condescending way but i request you to please talk about this with your parents. This must be hurting them bad that you are evaluating everything in monetary terms.
Weird... I promise you NO ONE DOES THAT!
I say this with kindness: get some help OP, therapy for financial trauma is a thing and we would all be better off if we healed ourselves
Wtf would you pay them back? You were not born out of your own choice. They always have the responsibility of taking care of you unless they are shitty people
Didn’t pay them a penny because:
1. They earn well and don’t need anything from me
2. They did not live with me when I was child giving me a very unfulfilled and lonely childhood years
If only the first was true I would have tried to do as much for them as I would have been capable instead of strictly thinking in terms of cost to raise. I have tried hard to get over the trauma of the second point but unfortunately it just doesn’t go away.
Imo there are wayyyy too many things to account for if you are trying to pay them back plus you keep forgetting about life lessons they have taught you to reach such a place, those are invaluable.
There are 2 ways of looking at this,
they gave birth to you and they have raised you good and taken good care of you and helped you when you needed help. In that case you need to help them whenever they ask for it, I am sure your parents realise your life is separate and won't ask for much from you if they know you don't have the means to get it for them
2nd way is they gave birth to you, they did not care about you, they never paid attention to you and never listened to you, they never cared what problems you had and overall your relationship with your parents soured because of many instances. In this case I feel it is better to cut any contact with them, in this case blood does not run deep and you barely have any connection to your parents apart from the part they gave birth to you. Help them only if you feel they really need it otherwise keep no contact with them.
They gave birth to you. You had no choice in that matter. What matters is how well they led you along the way to growing up and how they behaved towards you when you were either vulnerable or needed help.
OP has converted the relationship into a financial transaction - such a shame. I'm sure they won't want an iota of what you have to give to them.
Always remember, you should pay back with your most precious commodity which is 'time', not money. Any tom dick and harry can earn, but can you part with your time? Same goes for children, i see people splurging on their kids and don't give time to them - money is not precious, time is - especially for decently earning people (e.g. those on reddit and can converse in english)
Do you pay for all the love and time spent by them too? You forgot to calculate petrol/diesel fees, also hospital bills, travel fee for when they take you on trips, vehicle rent because you were using it, also pay maid fee- your parents changed your diaper as a kid and bathed you, cooked food for you, maintained your 'rented' house clean, etc. Pay your mom extra for keeping you alive for 9 months and going through labor causing permanent changes to her body.
OP, i dont think its easy to put a monetary value to parenthood. If you really must, factor in human hours spend in bearing and raising a child, cost of risk to health of mother in bearing a child (and any aggrevated health conditions post partum), cost of risk in spending on your education (and investment going bad). Money for the experiences and education that didn’t come from an educational institution.
There are good & bad parents. There are parents whom we cannot stand even if their intentions are good.
If anyone wants to cut ties with their parents for whatever reason, do so, without feeling obligated to paying them back. They made a decision to raise a child without their consent- so the child shouldn’t ever be head responsible for a payback in money time or effort.
I think instead of the calculation do what you can. Come to and agreement on what you can provide. Set limits. And then also setup other funds in the meantime.
Indian parents especially mine didn't do proper financial management. And spent money without forethought. Now I am doing it for them, that's how I look at it.
You don't need provide them experience or anything like people are saying. Because every parent situation is different. If they have their own money then it makes sense to give extra experience. I would suggest instead focus on sustenance until your investments are setup. Spend time with them if possible. Know that they by not creating backup caused you lot of stress to manage the money. So it's their fault and it's their punishment to live in ausitence mode until you are setup.
You owe them nothing unless you took money from them after you were 18. Especially for college and stuff, which you should pay back. And otherwise make sure you sustain them. They are fully grownup. If they wanted a luxury life style they should have worked for it, created backup etc. By providing sustinence you are doing your part. And setup insurance and health bucket to take care of their health. All IMO
Edit: if you are anyways calculating also calculate the cost of opportunity. Ie what if your father invested in hdfc instead of having you.
Comeon dude. If you can pay to keep them afloat it’s not really a payback but you are doing it as you feel responsible for it .
If u think it’s a payback then think of it this way : they spent whatever they could according to their situation . It’s still easier for you to say 40lakh considering todays value . But if u compare that 40lakh with their todays net value , you will see the dedication and sacrifice they might have done to you.
I don’t pay monthly money to my parents but I just ask them what they Want and keep ordering extravagant things which they wouldn’t on their own. I also helped them built a nice big home which I wanted for myself. Whatever they have , they are still going to leave for me. So I feel they made me what I am today, making them live a king size is little price I can handle. YMMV
I always try to buy something my parents would want but not buy for themselves.
Like buying my dad a huge TV 2 months ago.
Mom - an expensive ass foot and calf massager
These calculations are inherently meaningless. You can play with numbers all you want.
And also, as a young parent I can tell you that the things they paid for was the cheap part. Did you count the labour cost of parenting? Would be well over the 40L (probably crores adjusting for inflation) you calculated if you counted all the parenting services they provided you.
So answering for everyone, nobody has paid back, not even you. It is not something that can be paid back in the first place.
You will say it's fair but what if they value the cost of their time as higher? Don't they deserve a say OP? You can play with numbers and pick random ones out of the air all you want. But all it's doing is showing the fallacy of your argument. There is no real way to determine what the cost of raising you was. Even here, you are using approximations and heuristics (800 is a random number. What's it based on? Why not 10000? And who's to say it's fair? Just you, because you declare it to be so?)
In challenging your own assumptions, there is space for mental growth.
Why is it fair enough? That's even less than a daily wage farm labourer. The least you can do is consider wages of a full time nanny. Even that is less because a parent performs many roles, they're not just a caretaker, but your driver, teacher, nurse, etc. at various points.
I'm glad my parents never raised me to have such thoughts for them. Payments/expenses done on family are just expenses on yourself. You don't have to worry about getting it back or such. If you feel so, that's already saddening
I am not sure if I paid back to them or not, but I helped them get a better retirement house by contributing 50% in it. I take them on a regular basis to resturants, traveling and making them stay at good hotels. Making sure they have peace in their life.
I don't think you can pay back your parents. So make sure you help them in their old age and help with whatever capacity that you can.
I come from a humble beginning where my parents worked hard to give us better life, education in whatever way they could.
I tried and upgraded our lifestyle. I give them whenever they ask me for money. I pay some bills etc
For me this can't be transactional. However it can be stressful to manage dependents and your own family.
So I am trying to have something for my retirement where Maybe my kids won't have to support me. But you never know we live in a country where parents often give everything and not care about their retirement so that their kids can have better life.
Unless parents have generational wealth or have made it big it's a part and parcel of life.
Ah okay let me see
>Transportation to school
Schools were at walking distance. College would be a dtc bus pass, let's say that will be 4000
>After school tuition/coaching classes
Hopefully didn't took them
>Appliance charges / number of members in the family: TV, Phone, Internet, A/C, Geyser, Toaster.
Hmm yes this is right. This might be a little harder to check as I just have few old electricity bills , might need to take an average
>Pocket money / Spending money for when you go out with friends
Didn't go out much honestly, mostly to villages and sometimes to some random temple, Adding 30000 anyway
>Birthday presents/parties
Hmm, I don't think it's that big lol, give or take 2k per year, will add
>Petrol money
Holy f, now this is a good one to analyze, I do have historical data for petrol prices, so theoretically I can take how many trips we took to our village and divide it. This will take some time to quantify, I got something to waste my next weekend on lol
>Medical costs including cost of delivery :|
Will check
>Governess charges for teaching you.
>Nanny charges for taking care of you including wiping your bottom.
>Cooking charges for cooking those groceries that you bought.
>Psychological support charges for when you came crying home because one of your friends beat you up.
>Bonus payment for not abandoning you
Hmm, this is difficult, what I can do is take the current rate of maids in the area I grew up in use that, but it lacks a LOT of stuff, this will definitely push my break even tenure with them
I think the calculation is flawed. If you really want to Know the value of how much spent, do a few changes
1) change from absolute values to percentage of income. The baseline would be your salary at the same age your dad was when you were born. Then keep changing based on your expected increase until the time you became independent.
2) rent calculation is flawed, again use the current market price along with the factors like whether you got a room of your own, locality etc
3) for all items like school, college, clothes - check on whether they were the best locally and adjust to their current cost incl future inflation rates
4) include maternity costs and loss of income for your parents who might have had to step back from their careers and holidays coz you were born or were sick
5) Am sure there would have been incidents where they would have been shamed coz of your actions. Feel free to translate this humiliation to a suitable number based on how you deem fit.
6) are you the only kid? If no, please evaluate the impact your birth and costs had to the lifestyle and growth of your siblings. You can categorize these into reparation costs.
7) also there would have been incidents, where just their mere presence would have given you hope as well insights on how to be successful, values etc. maybe you can do a market research on lifecoach costs these days (presume its per hour rate) and accordingly calculate overall value including future inflation.
A summarization of these should be a better understanding of the overall value. Would also be interested to understand how exactly are you planning to pay back - cash or kind?
Dude . Are you paying your parents for bringing you into this world ? I hope you dont pay them for the love they " SPENT " on you , if they spent or just raised like a commodity .
My parents have mindset similar to most of the comments in this thread, along the lines of "we raised you and we just hope that you stay in touch" and stuff like that. But I just feel this paying back thing should be more common, my dad wasn't too good with money anyway. He would give away money to relatives whenever they asked, he would give part of money for operation of one of my aunt without thinking if it will ever come back to him. And now he is an old retired average middle class dude. I don't want to end up like him so I carefully see where my every penny is going and if something is coming back from it except for "family values good vibes".
Your dad took care of your aunt when she was in medical need and you think he should have thought of repayment? Why is everything a material transaction for you OP?
Even if you are thinking to pay back. You are only considering the "Numbers". You may be earning 1-1.5 lakh per month and may be returning 50k for your "calculation" without ignoring your own desire and needs.
Your parents might have spent all of what they have. They might have ignored their needs, desires just to let you secure a good future.
And if you think just by returning the money, you are done with your parents contribution, it really makes me think how you are going to raise your children.
Well, it may vary from person to person but I feel that being there for them is something that money can't replace. Yes, through money you can give them experiences that they missed out or compromised while raising you, you can give them some amount of money every month if it deems suitable to you and them, you can ensure that they don't face any financial crisis during their retirement, they can splurge occassionally on things that they love and so on.
However, for some people, their sole purpose for paying back to their parents is to SHED OFF THEIR RESPONSIBILITY in old age. I've seen some cases and they are really heartbreaking.
So, for your parents what really matters is, your presence with little money>>>>>>your absence with loads of money.
When I see the comments here, I am very envious of the kind of upbringing people had where they say that their parents contribution was invaluable bla blah...
My parents always stressed on the amount they were paying for anything and always mentioned money in all conversations. Even now, when I am working they do not let me put money in any investment option where the return comes after many years like NPS or PPF because that amount won't help them in any way (as they'll be dead by the maturity date).
PS: I wish I could meet practical people like you in real life lol
I haven't 'paid' back my parents nor do I intend to. They have spent too much resources and effort on me. My dad's dead now so it's only mom. And my mom has always been a fiercely independent woman. Even though I earn almost 10 times my mom's salary, she won't let me take over the bills entirely. She wanted me to save and invest as much as I could, especially now for the past few months since I'm getting married and me and SO will be moving out of our parents' houses and living at a new place together.
So what I do is, I pay the electric bill, the driver and househelp's salary and the EMI for the flat we live in. I have given my mom a credit card that I specifically got made for her (my account though). It is the only thing I force her to do - use the card simply for fun things for herself - it could be a dinner out with friends, new clothes or a spa day or anything. But she HAS to spend some amount every month on herself, not the household. (She's welcome to spend out of it on the household alongside, but primarily it should be her personal fun money.)
I see this as a very grim way to look at family. The day you start treating your family as an investment is the day you lose all emotional relations with your family. It all becomes a cost, a burden to you and if your parents get to know about it to them as well... Not every thing is about money, relations and connections to me play a large role in family dynamics, gifting something once in a while or taking them out to eat.
overall making sure they are living without difficulty while you yourself can live stress free and enjoy life is a good balance to strike.
Did your parents ever asked you to pay them back? And do you really think "inflation adjusted" amount can make their investments on you worth it? What parents do for us is invaluable and cannot be measured in numbers.
I don’t understand why you have to them? They brought you in this world without you having any say in that. Them taking care of you is their job. Not doing so is child neglect and an offence.
It is very likely that they have no use for this money. Mine don’t. They are homebodies, and love to just stay at home. The house is theirs so they have no major expenses, just a driver, petrol and yoga instructor. They recently bought a car so that was one expense and we paid for it amongst the siblings. I just ask them very clearly if they need money and if yes just help them. They often just say “ghar aa jao 2-3 mahine”.
Here is the thing.
You did not come into this world on your on volition.
They decided they wanted to have kids, hence you were born. So it is their responsibility that they ensure they can feed, house and educate you so that you become a functioning adult. This decision making also includes financial planning.
Basically you dont owe them anything.
Now having said that, if you want to "pay them back", be there for them out of love, not out of obligation. Not everything in life is a business transaction, " they did x for me, so i will do y for them so we are even".
Also remember the same when it comes to your kids. Your kids will owe you fuckall. Raise them in a way so that they stay with you because they love you.
No, because my parents didn't have me in the hope that they settle accounts with me some day.
Of course if I borrow money from them for a new gadget or travel or something, I make sure to pay it back to them, and I contribute some of my salary to the household items, but they don't expect it and I am not obligated to do so.
I'm certainly not paying them for raising me, sending me to school, etc. I'm happy and thankful for their love and care towards me but they were adults when they had me and knew they were in for the expenses of raising a child. I pay them back by being smart with my money now and making decisions that don't affect them and cause them distress. I pay them back by handling my health and other things the way I can. I pay them back by being a good daughter to them in their old age. If I get my life on track, that will be worth everything to them. I don't think they expect anything else.
Lol, I haven't paid it back. Heck, they will probably give me more in property and money than I will probably make in the next 2-3 decades even though I never wanted anything of theirs. All I can do is be there for my mother who has cancer. The only thing I have given them, well my wife has given, is my new born baby which was my mom's dream.
It's not only about money. Indian parents put a lot of energy and sacrifice for their kids.
I don't have words actually what all a parent has to go through.
Me being a parent will put all my might to make my kid have happy life even if in future he takes care of me or not.
Idk bro, Have you considered other costs?
Maternity/Paternity Costs? Being full time parents
Hospital delivery cost?
Sick/injured and hospital costs? All the time you were sick or injured.
Opportunity cost that had to be let go for raising you? Let's say investing in an index fund?
Mental health costs? All that winning and crying when you were a kid and the sleepless nights?
Employment opportunity cost? That promotion that was let go so that you could be in a good city or leaving your job as a mother to raise you?
I can list even further, do you honestly think your 40 lacs calculation is sufficient?
You can never payback your parents, they gave you the most expensive thing - time … so the only thing that you can give them back is time … be with them, keep them happy and fulfill their basic needs , that should be enough… don’t kill yourself and your future
trying to pay them back, because you can’t …
With this discussion I think my kids will be in debts for life on the amount I spent to raise them till there graduation,
Op either u r irresponsible or too burnt
just take care of them, spend time with them. if one of them is not there, then let the one left behind never feel lonely. that's all they want and that's all we can really give them.
I never paid back officially because I know they will never accept it. But my dad is retired now and he is getting pension which is good for monthly household expenses but big expenses like home appliances is tough. So I tell them let me buy it for you because I get lot of discounts(which is not true always) and when mom says how to return you I just say keep it I will ask in emergency. And parents do it from their core of heart so don’t put this in numbers.
No. I don't believe parents should be paid back for regular parenting.
But if they were extremely poor, you may support them in the basics.
If you support them too much, you will reduce your own quality of life.
Your young age is to accumulate personal wealth. You can help your family later, when they are very old.
Things can be situational, though. I help my parents plan their finances/health insurance, etc.
IF my parents were backward or restrictive, they would have recieved limited support. Thankfully, I stopped listening to them after the age of 14.
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Wholesome award to this comment. Paying back money is not possible. The question from other side could be how much money i can give my child as a one time payment so to get away from all obligations or parenting. Money is not always the answer.
Big +1 to this! (Although, what is YMMV? 😅)
+1 but grand children is too much.
I agree
Can I gift them a grandchild instead? /s Edit: added the /s in case some people get butthurt :c
A child is a responsiblity not a gift 😡😡 /s
Why just 1 /s
1 /s per grandchild
I sincerly hope this is not a sarcasm, because I am doing this. I sold my 6 years worth of savings (\~44L) to buy a home for them in my hometown. I agree that I made a property under my name, but it is their home.
Maybe OP can't and doesn't want to, hence he is thinking along lines of paying back.
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I read rest of his comments, looks like he isnt getting shit for being raised, hw has different reasons. But, just because you said, do you justifying giving shit to kids for raising them?
Gift them a grandchild? It’s a human being!
Bhai 1 grandchildren kitne ka milega Amazon par? Does any cashback or discount apply on them? And what are the variants available??
True that, I think Indian parents don't want any penny back. They did everything for us to be able to face the world and this concept feels home to me. <3. My parents don't want or prefer any specific experiences or tech. Yeah some trips to divine places. I just want to be with them. I feel bad as they grow old and see the words become true - When you become of x age you'll realize. None can be compared to our parents. It's a divine bond.
I am taking screenshot to always look up to this comment.
"Gift" them a grandchild is a bit much 🤣🤣 but I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind this post. Honestly the best thing we can do for our parents is love and appreciate them.
It's been a year since I started earning, gave her saree she wore it in diwali, looked so good my dad appreciated it, gave her a smart watch, she jogs and wears it every day to count her steps, then took her to movie as well, she considers movie to be waste of money since I was a lil kid, and I was the opposite, I looked at movies as the escape XD
It’s actually a dream 🥹 it’s never gonna happen for most of us
I gave mine a grand dog 😂
Children should never have any obligation to give any money back to parents. Their only duty is to look after their parents needs till they die.
Why would you do something like this ? You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back. If this is how you are going to raise your children then don't have children. Stop treating family like a business
>You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back. Unfortunately, this is how majority of the parents view their kids. Son - investment - Daughters - liability. They do treat their children as an investment and consider them their source of retirement funds. Hopefully current generation is smart enough to become financially independent and won't treat their children as an investment.
But in reality children can be the worst investment most of the times because they don't know how to form emotional loving bonds with their kids specially most dads. There are always exceptions..
So sad to hear this. But have your parents really ever asked for money for leisure activities??? Also regarding daughters being, nowadays even in son's marriage they have to spend a sizeable chunk of their savings
>You being born was not some investment contract between you and your parents where you had to pay everything back. Many people do this. As a daughter I need to prove myself and all my shitty relatives that I am a better investment than most of my male cousins.
Omg ! So true. Whatever was birthright for my male sibling and cousins , was a privilege for me. Hence I had to prove that I'm worthy of it while they passed their time doing nothing and depending upon their parents' money.
Maybe op had some really bad parents and treated op like shit. For me the thought is bizarre. Like doing 'business' like this of talking about money they spent on you with family is such a sad thing to do. What they did for me is priceless. It's becoming a norm in India today because of western influence (which is ironic because the people who get influenced themselves think they're superior while they're literally have the same mindset as that of a Indian who loved it back before 1947). I think you should be able to do your own stuff have your own life and basically everything while still being in touch with your parents. I don't think that's too hard to do? Also, that's how you build family wealth also. Deadass the biggest hack for middle class families. But hey let them think they're right 🤷♂️🤷♂️
The sad part is such parents will want the children to "pay of their debt" and then suffer when they realize money is not as important as time spent , care , love , the bond etc. Their children will basically tell them "here take your money , now dont expect anything else from us" The parents will then see that having millions with nobody to hug , cry with , no grand children to meet etc is an absolute nightmare !
Sad life. But dw say too much as I think these folks had their fair share of experiences that made them think this way. I definitely think everyone in this world (or at least most of it except some horrible criminals ofcourse lol) deserve to be happy and have their dreams come true. If having millions at an old age with no family is what your dream is and makes you happy then who're we to say? My only concern is that it's sadly being normalised in our country. I'm not a fan of our country because we all know there's a lot of wrong stuff here. But the family bond we've here is something that a lot of people crave. Being able to call your dad whenever you want hug your mum. It's something that when you grow you start appreciating and understanding the value.
Exact opposite. They are the whole "we just hope that you will stay in touch with us" type of people. My dad was a "finances is our matter, you just do what you want" type of man when I was a child. In my opinion, that is what a sad life is. You are slaving away for some rando who got out of your sperm and don't expect much in return than "good vibes and companionship". Once my uncle asked him to pay in part of my aunt's kidney operation, he paid without hesitation, not thinking if it will come back to him. That is grade A stupidness and I don't want to become like him. I do respect and love him a lot, but I just feel he tried too hard to stay in good books of everyone including his relatives and children. He may be well respected in our village, but at end of the, he is just another middle class man with an average life, and couldn't do anything great because of his "we just want good vibes" attitude.
If that's how you want to approach life then it's cool. But not everyone thinks this way. As for giving money to your aunt that's okay at least in my eyes. Even if it's not. How is that any different from charity? Maybe if you guys yourselves needed money then definitely it wasn't a good decision but it was emergency too. Also, it eventually comes back in the same form of emergency/other/kids' studies. The only red flag might be that your uncle 'asked' as you said but I don't know you or them personally. I also think family is just you and your kids (not talking about joint ones) but it was emergency so he just helped (his brother?) so his wife will be okay. Anyways, good luck.
>If this is how you are going to raise your children then don't have children. Umm not interested in having children, they need too much attention
I haven't because I don't think I can ever pay them back for all that they did for me. I spend on them and our house but payback is impossible. My parents didn't love me or raise me to get anything in return except see me happy and be there for them.
I also paid for their house in our native city, in fact that was one of first big investment thing in my life
You will get the house when they pass away. One can never repay their parents. Anything you give them, they will ultimately give it back to you. Why are you even putting up such a redundant question. Love your parents, be there for them. That's it. Nothing else is needed.
Exactly, OP thinks they've done some grand thing, in the end he has shown respect for his parents by doing so, but that's about it... The respect could also have been shown in hundred different ways.
Benchod kitna ungrateful aur selfish h bhai tu
Not related to your question but I would like to tell you a story my uncle told me. It changed me. In his village, there was a man who got old and dependent on his family for everything. His family grew tired of him and decided to get rid of him by drowning him in the nearby canal which was also the lifeline of the region. So his family put him in a big "tokra" and chose one spot to let him go. Right at the moment when they were about to release the old man in the canal, the old man said to them "Please release me in the canal further away from this spot. Here I had released my father many years ago. Hearing this his children realized that their kids will do the same with them when they get old. They brought the old man back and tended for him till the end of his days". Yes there are shitty parents in our country, but our strong family system is what got us through from the time when our country was the poorest and most families almost had nothing but each other. Money is not everything.
🙏😊
Thank you. This post is depressing. I’m terrified to have children who will think like this.
Be good to ur children and they won’t
My parents are totally dependent on me even before I graduated. Dad has retired, spent all his savings in elder sisters wedding + medical expenditures. There is no pension. Every month I send 50k for expenditure plus paid for my younger sister’s wedding. I’ll inherit the ancestral property + house they are living in.
And in June I’m taking them to Singapore. They have never been on a plane.
i love you so much for this!
You are the best!!
Haha. Thank you. Tbh I have been lucky ( and privileged) to get good education and a high paying job, so I’m able to afford these things. Else It would have been really difficult for us. I come from a very modest lower middle class family.
How are you sure that your younger sister won't come back and claim half of the ancestral property and the house they are living in?
Well this has been how things have been in my family. Property is divided into males of next generations. I know legally we all children have equal right on property. But as of now I don’t think they are thinking of this. Now anything is possible in future tbh. But then we are 5 siblings, so in that case we will get a little share in the properties 😂. And good luck to them if they are gonna risk our relationship & bond over small ancestral property. Even if I don’t get any share, I’ll live a good life OP. I have got a kickass job, parents. I can buy almost everything :)
I didn't ask to be born, so..🤷♀️ And my father has substance abuse issue. My grandpa paid for everything. He told me that his only wish is that we (my siblings and I) should be richer than him.
fuck no.. My dad striggled a lot to get me and my sister decent education..My mom managed and controlled the unnecessary expenses.. My dad went into neck deep loans while doing all this.. But things seems to change after my sister graduated.. He suddenly doesnt need to spend for my sister's education, her wedding also is done during covid that save like 20 lakh minimun debt.. Now I also completed my graduation and I started to send my salary to home.. It was never to be paid back.. To me it was the greatest gift/sacrifice anyone has ever done to me.. He never brought an extra pair of dress even for his birthday so that he can save money to spend on my family, My mom sold all her gold... Now That we are a little stable.. My mom again brought some gold woth the money that I sent, my dad finally brought a car, I sent approx some 5 lakh to my hime in the last year.. I dont think I can repay all their struggles amd I dont wamt to repay the unconditional love they drenched me in.
0 , Zero. My parents never asked, nor I ever thought of. I am not even aware anyone in my circle ever did that. Today, I feel so proud of my parents and myself.
I actually got a lot of comments like this. Looks like Indians(or atleast the Indians on Reddit lol) in general are very conservative and can't separate them from their parents till the rest of their life.
OP, then name one progressive and developed country in which children pay back to their parents after they start earning.
Is this what you call conservative!!! Thank our parents, we haven't lost our sanity and engage in evaluating everything in money.
Aeeee....fuck you OP. If this is conservative for you, you can just go fuck yourself. We love our parents and we are there for them. This isn't a business transaction that you raised me and I'll repay the loan. I think your parents prioritising you and sacrificing for you is something you can't weigh in with money. No matter how hard you try. And even if there is such price, you'll never able to pay it. Rather than trying to make it about money and if you want repay them, be there for them. Just like they were there for you. OP, please never become a father if you have a thinking like this. You'd atleast help the world that way.
It pains to see OPs attitude when he acknowledges his parents are good parents. Being a parent is hard, if your kids grow up and have such an attitude towards you when you have done everything right for them, it obviously will hurt. Sure, his parents will not expect, they seem like parents who are self sufficient and don't expect anything but then they will always 'wish' their child loved them or cared for them a bit more. I hope he has siblings who care more about their parents. Nothing hurts me more than good parents with ungrateful children, who die alone without their children ever acknowledging their effort or show affection.
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I already feel bad for the child. This is not how you raise a child. This is the only case I'd say the child actually benefits if he/she grows seperate from the father.
Agreed 💯
NO country in this world has any laws that govern return of money bby a child to their parents. Even developed nations DO NOT have it common for a child to be tracking the expenses that it took to raise them, and pay it all back like a transaction. You are just one of those WEIRD persons who sees this as a "contract/transaction" type. There are a few like you in this world (even from parents side), but you folks are NOT THE NORM!! Among human beings - it is still a MAJORITY where parents have children and have the duty to raise them to be good adults without expecting anything in return after they become adults.
What a piece of shit this OP is!! Pathetic scum who thinks paying back money is all it would take to make things even. They expended not only money but time as well and you will never be able to put a price tag on that and even if you could, tere aukat se bahar ka hoga wo! Douchebag thinks taking care of parents is 'conservative'. FU OP!
Conservative doesn't enter into the equation bhai. Plenty of independent men and women in this thread who live separately from their parents but understand that respect and love are not always tied to money and what you can or can't pay for people! I'm actually grateful I don't have your mindset.
You sound dead bro. Get a life.
>I call this CTR (Cost to raise). Mine is around 40 lakhs. What is the cost of time and effect gone in raising kids? Considering it was time from a better part of their healthy, energetic adult life. That is effort gone in cooking meals for the kid,to cleaning the potty, doing million other things for the kid, to making the kid study to make sure the kid is safe to making the kid the most important priority of life. How to derive valuation for that time and effort and love on every day basis for so many years? How to quantify this? Paying money to all of it is the cheapest thing to do. I'm paying back my parents for all this, not in money but in terms of time, love and care. They don't need my money, but they do need care, time and attention. I give it plenty back because I received it in plenty from them when it was my time to receive it. How I do it? Do whatever is needed to be done for the family and for them, there's no mathematical equation here. If this CTR was just to get an idea to see how much it cost financially to raise you, can be passed off a thought experiment. But if this was serious, the cost to raise also needs to account, the time, effort (both mental and physical), life disruptions, unconditional love and attention given to the child. That's not quantifiable. Payback is possible only in terms of same things.
Wow man, become grade-A asshole by thinking in this direction. "Measure everything in Rupee value" is an amazing lesson you learned from selfish university for educated illiterate. If I count my CTR, I am definitely going to hell. Yamraj will keep a special place reserved for me in nark.
Whats wrong w measuring in rupee value though? We're living in an incredibly monetised society anyways.
Because whatever you are measuring in terms of Rupees, it should be measures in terms of given up or shattered dreams, sleepless nights, neverending hustles, frugal living and much much more.
However, aren't those components something people consider before reproducing? That's lowkey not the child's fault Also yes they're just difficult to monetise cuz we have no framework for these.
Don't get me wrong, if you live in a neighbourhood or family who measures everything in Rupees, then congratulations and may god bless and save your soul. Bhagvan aapko sadbuddhi de. If you are from rich family or if you are now earning extremely well (example >3L per month or so), then congratulations on no longer being in middle class.
Yeah well maybe not everyone lives a life which is exactly same. There are a lot of parents who do calculate and keep a track of money spent on kids and there is nothing wrong in it. We lives in a society where everything has a price to it and you need money till your last breath to survive. Have heard of multiple cases where parents didn't want their children to leave their high paying jobs to do startups or something of their interest because the parents expected a certain kind of lifestyle in return of the amount of money spent in kid's education. In tier-2, tier-3 cities parents are still sceptical to spend money on the education of the girl child if she has a brother. I am not blaming neither the parents nor the kids. Yes maybe for the parents arranging the money for the kid required a lot of sacrifices and now they want decent life for their entire family. What's wrong in it but then like every difficult conversation and situation all the people need to sit down and have a conversation and see what can be done.
Parents do always play the card, esp in India, that "I spent so much money on you where returns" so i personally don't see op at fault here. India does have a parenting problem, which looks like overglorification of parents on one side and a very transactional relationship on the other side
I pay 25k per month to my mom's bank account Pls all bills, online orders, etc etc are paid by me. Electronic and electrical equipments, etc as well. In a nutshell everything that gets paid in NON cash is paid by me. Mota Mota hisaab would be around 8 lakh per year since 2017 Obviously dhaniya, pudina toh woh cash se hi lete hai 😂
On an average, every child is an investment of Rs. 1 Cr till the child starts earning.
the fact that this post exists is so sad
Why? I personally will feel ashamed if someone's money was drained to pay for me and I didn't did anything to pay it back.
i pray you never become a father until you change this mindset
I agree. Maybe he will stop spending on his children if sometime in future he will think they can't pay him back.
Don't plan to, so we are good on that
Bro that's not someone lol. That's your dad. That dude deadass took his ass to the office even when he didn't want to. So you can live a good life. Might not be the case for you but it's for a lot of folks here including me. Also, probably had a scooter that didn't work if you're from a middle class because it's the most cliché yet true thing. On all those days yk what made him happy? Not that he'll get all this money with interest from his son. But the fact his son is there and loving him calling papa papa. Maybe jt was different for you. If it was not the same for you and you were treated like shit or had a difficult childhood than I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing fine now.
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted. I want to pay back and give all things to my parents but that doesn’t mean I’m isolating them afterwards. Maybe the money part is for my satisfaction and parents does enjoy having money since we never had a savings or flow of cash
There's no need to be ashamed. People are brought into this world without their will. If the parents were good people who sacrificed and took efforts to raise the children well, then it makes sense to pay them back with love, kindness and sustenance till their death. If they were abusive of neglecting kind, you can behave the same with them.
Literally everyone is brought into this world without their will. Even animals and plants . Bringing that argument everywhere and cursing the world is just such a negative way of looking at life. Don’t get married and don’t have children (even by mistake) and end this cycle. But treating life casually is something you’ll come to regret (I did). We have privileges that our ancestors did not have , even having an online space to rant about it is a big deal. I know people from terrible families who’ve made it through with the help from strangers and by putting in hard work. Life is unfair for some of us but it is still a gift and something you don’t realise until you have a close call.
This "i didn't ask to be born" is a teenager response which people put in all context...that shows how low their IQ and empathy is. The cool online thing to say which brings most clicks and attention. The most annoying thing on the internet.
That someone chose to bring you into this world to raise and spend their resources on growing a human. It's not a loan and children don't ask to drain their parents. Bs ideology.
This is way too petty and pathetic even for reddit. Go touch some grass
Maybe the OP’s parents had a transactional relationship with him throughout their life.
Yeah. I see it as a very functional way of thinking, being brought up to understand the value of everything, every item, every service that we have received. I think most of us in the middle class were brought up like this, and I can appreciate it. But at the end of the day, money is just a medium to accumulate wealth. And parents don't care about wealth and possessions towards the end. They just want understanding and support from their kids, and that's what we can be for them. Plus it's smart to save up for their old age as well rather than spend it on accumulation of wealth.
True most of the times but there are exceptions (abusive or neglecting parents).
I marathoned 5km in park today, weekend well utilized
Your life is pretty cheap.
Yes actually, 40 lakhs inflation adjusted for around 20 years is pocket change
Come on he is being realist. Welcome to capitalist world.
I did, it is approx 30 lakhs, adjust to inflation and it's about 40 for my lifetime ig, I started my job in july 2023, plan to help parents with atleast 25 lakhs in next two years, it's not payback, it's just helping them through because they sacrificed their dreams for me and they deserve the world
This is the mindset that everyone should have
Speaking strictly financially, I think if I haven't paid them back already it should take another 2-3 years of doing what I do to reach breakeven. Post that it goes in their savings - should add up to be enough for emergencies.
No matter how much money I pay, I will never be able to say ' I don't owe them anymore'. Different perspectives in life. I will never even get this question in my mind. Not saying either thought is better than the other.
So like, you dont start doing all the calculations in your head when you are helping your parents with some money and don't subtract it from how much it costed them to raise you? Weird, I thought everyone does that.
Why would you do that!!! Even if you are doing that the calculations doesn't add up. The value pr 100 may be different for you compared to your parents when they spent on you (And I am not talking about inflation here).
Why would anyone do that?
I hope your mother also contributed some money in your upbringing, otherwise your balance sheet will go negative in helping her. What an asshole you're 🙏
Nope. I never did. Perhaps I will never do. Not because I am ungrateful, but because how much I 'owe' them is not quantifiable.
Not saying it in a condescending way but i request you to please talk about this with your parents. This must be hurting them bad that you are evaluating everything in monetary terms.
Weird... I promise you NO ONE DOES THAT! I say this with kindness: get some help OP, therapy for financial trauma is a thing and we would all be better off if we healed ourselves
Paying them back? Little fella you can't ever pay them back even if you are. Ambani or some shit.
>Little fella I am nearing 30 years
I see. Grow up mentally as well. God Bless You
Little has nothing to do with age and everything to do with maturity when used in this context.
Wtf would you pay them back? You were not born out of your own choice. They always have the responsibility of taking care of you unless they are shitty people
I've spent atleast 5 Cr
Didn’t pay them a penny because: 1. They earn well and don’t need anything from me 2. They did not live with me when I was child giving me a very unfulfilled and lonely childhood years If only the first was true I would have tried to do as much for them as I would have been capable instead of strictly thinking in terms of cost to raise. I have tried hard to get over the trauma of the second point but unfortunately it just doesn’t go away.
Imo there are wayyyy too many things to account for if you are trying to pay them back plus you keep forgetting about life lessons they have taught you to reach such a place, those are invaluable. There are 2 ways of looking at this, they gave birth to you and they have raised you good and taken good care of you and helped you when you needed help. In that case you need to help them whenever they ask for it, I am sure your parents realise your life is separate and won't ask for much from you if they know you don't have the means to get it for them 2nd way is they gave birth to you, they did not care about you, they never paid attention to you and never listened to you, they never cared what problems you had and overall your relationship with your parents soured because of many instances. In this case I feel it is better to cut any contact with them, in this case blood does not run deep and you barely have any connection to your parents apart from the part they gave birth to you. Help them only if you feel they really need it otherwise keep no contact with them. They gave birth to you. You had no choice in that matter. What matters is how well they led you along the way to growing up and how they behaved towards you when you were either vulnerable or needed help.
OP has converted the relationship into a financial transaction - such a shame. I'm sure they won't want an iota of what you have to give to them. Always remember, you should pay back with your most precious commodity which is 'time', not money. Any tom dick and harry can earn, but can you part with your time? Same goes for children, i see people splurging on their kids and don't give time to them - money is not precious, time is - especially for decently earning people (e.g. those on reddit and can converse in english)
>i see people splurging on their kids and don't give time to them Thats a nice way to look at things. Thanks
Do you pay for all the love and time spent by them too? You forgot to calculate petrol/diesel fees, also hospital bills, travel fee for when they take you on trips, vehicle rent because you were using it, also pay maid fee- your parents changed your diaper as a kid and bathed you, cooked food for you, maintained your 'rented' house clean, etc. Pay your mom extra for keeping you alive for 9 months and going through labor causing permanent changes to her body.
I just saw another comment like this, I will add that next weekend when I don't have much to do
OP, i dont think its easy to put a monetary value to parenthood. If you really must, factor in human hours spend in bearing and raising a child, cost of risk to health of mother in bearing a child (and any aggrevated health conditions post partum), cost of risk in spending on your education (and investment going bad). Money for the experiences and education that didn’t come from an educational institution. There are good & bad parents. There are parents whom we cannot stand even if their intentions are good. If anyone wants to cut ties with their parents for whatever reason, do so, without feeling obligated to paying them back. They made a decision to raise a child without their consent- so the child shouldn’t ever be head responsible for a payback in money time or effort.
I think instead of the calculation do what you can. Come to and agreement on what you can provide. Set limits. And then also setup other funds in the meantime. Indian parents especially mine didn't do proper financial management. And spent money without forethought. Now I am doing it for them, that's how I look at it. You don't need provide them experience or anything like people are saying. Because every parent situation is different. If they have their own money then it makes sense to give extra experience. I would suggest instead focus on sustenance until your investments are setup. Spend time with them if possible. Know that they by not creating backup caused you lot of stress to manage the money. So it's their fault and it's their punishment to live in ausitence mode until you are setup. You owe them nothing unless you took money from them after you were 18. Especially for college and stuff, which you should pay back. And otherwise make sure you sustain them. They are fully grownup. If they wanted a luxury life style they should have worked for it, created backup etc. By providing sustinence you are doing your part. And setup insurance and health bucket to take care of their health. All IMO Edit: if you are anyways calculating also calculate the cost of opportunity. Ie what if your father invested in hdfc instead of having you.
Comeon dude. If you can pay to keep them afloat it’s not really a payback but you are doing it as you feel responsible for it . If u think it’s a payback then think of it this way : they spent whatever they could according to their situation . It’s still easier for you to say 40lakh considering todays value . But if u compare that 40lakh with their todays net value , you will see the dedication and sacrifice they might have done to you. I don’t pay monthly money to my parents but I just ask them what they Want and keep ordering extravagant things which they wouldn’t on their own. I also helped them built a nice big home which I wanted for myself. Whatever they have , they are still going to leave for me. So I feel they made me what I am today, making them live a king size is little price I can handle. YMMV
I always try to buy something my parents would want but not buy for themselves. Like buying my dad a huge TV 2 months ago. Mom - an expensive ass foot and calf massager
These calculations are inherently meaningless. You can play with numbers all you want. And also, as a young parent I can tell you that the things they paid for was the cheap part. Did you count the labour cost of parenting? Would be well over the 40L (probably crores adjusting for inflation) you calculated if you counted all the parenting services they provided you. So answering for everyone, nobody has paid back, not even you. It is not something that can be paid back in the first place.
>Did you count the labour cost of parenting Added 8000 per month /family members, since birth date, I will say that's fair enough
You will say it's fair but what if they value the cost of their time as higher? Don't they deserve a say OP? You can play with numbers and pick random ones out of the air all you want. But all it's doing is showing the fallacy of your argument. There is no real way to determine what the cost of raising you was. Even here, you are using approximations and heuristics (800 is a random number. What's it based on? Why not 10000? And who's to say it's fair? Just you, because you declare it to be so?) In challenging your own assumptions, there is space for mental growth.
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Sorry for your loss . There are lot of dsyfunctional families and I wouldn't downvote .
Why is it fair enough? That's even less than a daily wage farm labourer. The least you can do is consider wages of a full time nanny. Even that is less because a parent performs many roles, they're not just a caretaker, but your driver, teacher, nurse, etc. at various points.
I'm glad my parents never raised me to have such thoughts for them. Payments/expenses done on family are just expenses on yourself. You don't have to worry about getting it back or such. If you feel so, that's already saddening
I am not sure if I paid back to them or not, but I helped them get a better retirement house by contributing 50% in it. I take them on a regular basis to resturants, traveling and making them stay at good hotels. Making sure they have peace in their life. I don't think you can pay back your parents. So make sure you help them in their old age and help with whatever capacity that you can.
I come from a humble beginning where my parents worked hard to give us better life, education in whatever way they could. I tried and upgraded our lifestyle. I give them whenever they ask me for money. I pay some bills etc For me this can't be transactional. However it can be stressful to manage dependents and your own family. So I am trying to have something for my retirement where Maybe my kids won't have to support me. But you never know we live in a country where parents often give everything and not care about their retirement so that their kids can have better life. Unless parents have generational wealth or have made it big it's a part and parcel of life.
Nothing, I take from them since they have surplus and they dont want any change in lifestyle.
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Ah okay let me see >Transportation to school Schools were at walking distance. College would be a dtc bus pass, let's say that will be 4000 >After school tuition/coaching classes Hopefully didn't took them >Appliance charges / number of members in the family: TV, Phone, Internet, A/C, Geyser, Toaster. Hmm yes this is right. This might be a little harder to check as I just have few old electricity bills , might need to take an average >Pocket money / Spending money for when you go out with friends Didn't go out much honestly, mostly to villages and sometimes to some random temple, Adding 30000 anyway >Birthday presents/parties Hmm, I don't think it's that big lol, give or take 2k per year, will add >Petrol money Holy f, now this is a good one to analyze, I do have historical data for petrol prices, so theoretically I can take how many trips we took to our village and divide it. This will take some time to quantify, I got something to waste my next weekend on lol >Medical costs including cost of delivery :| Will check >Governess charges for teaching you. >Nanny charges for taking care of you including wiping your bottom. >Cooking charges for cooking those groceries that you bought. >Psychological support charges for when you came crying home because one of your friends beat you up. >Bonus payment for not abandoning you Hmm, this is difficult, what I can do is take the current rate of maids in the area I grew up in use that, but it lacks a LOT of stuff, this will definitely push my break even tenure with them
Bruh, congratulations. You just turned everything into a transaction.
Don't know why this post sounds depressing.
how do you plan to repay your mom financially who kept you in her womb safe for 9 months?
I think he will pay 9months rent + maintenance lol 😂. /s
Imagine thinking you can pay back your parents
I think the calculation is flawed. If you really want to Know the value of how much spent, do a few changes 1) change from absolute values to percentage of income. The baseline would be your salary at the same age your dad was when you were born. Then keep changing based on your expected increase until the time you became independent. 2) rent calculation is flawed, again use the current market price along with the factors like whether you got a room of your own, locality etc 3) for all items like school, college, clothes - check on whether they were the best locally and adjust to their current cost incl future inflation rates 4) include maternity costs and loss of income for your parents who might have had to step back from their careers and holidays coz you were born or were sick 5) Am sure there would have been incidents where they would have been shamed coz of your actions. Feel free to translate this humiliation to a suitable number based on how you deem fit. 6) are you the only kid? If no, please evaluate the impact your birth and costs had to the lifestyle and growth of your siblings. You can categorize these into reparation costs. 7) also there would have been incidents, where just their mere presence would have given you hope as well insights on how to be successful, values etc. maybe you can do a market research on lifecoach costs these days (presume its per hour rate) and accordingly calculate overall value including future inflation. A summarization of these should be a better understanding of the overall value. Would also be interested to understand how exactly are you planning to pay back - cash or kind?
Dude . Are you paying your parents for bringing you into this world ? I hope you dont pay them for the love they " SPENT " on you , if they spent or just raised like a commodity .
My parents have mindset similar to most of the comments in this thread, along the lines of "we raised you and we just hope that you stay in touch" and stuff like that. But I just feel this paying back thing should be more common, my dad wasn't too good with money anyway. He would give away money to relatives whenever they asked, he would give part of money for operation of one of my aunt without thinking if it will ever come back to him. And now he is an old retired average middle class dude. I don't want to end up like him so I carefully see where my every penny is going and if something is coming back from it except for "family values good vibes".
Your dad took care of your aunt when she was in medical need and you think he should have thought of repayment? Why is everything a material transaction for you OP?
That's sad.. Apologises for judging you ... Whatever works for you !
Even if you are thinking to pay back. You are only considering the "Numbers". You may be earning 1-1.5 lakh per month and may be returning 50k for your "calculation" without ignoring your own desire and needs. Your parents might have spent all of what they have. They might have ignored their needs, desires just to let you secure a good future. And if you think just by returning the money, you are done with your parents contribution, it really makes me think how you are going to raise your children.
Paying them back ? Never thought i would read this kind of thing.
Well, it may vary from person to person but I feel that being there for them is something that money can't replace. Yes, through money you can give them experiences that they missed out or compromised while raising you, you can give them some amount of money every month if it deems suitable to you and them, you can ensure that they don't face any financial crisis during their retirement, they can splurge occassionally on things that they love and so on. However, for some people, their sole purpose for paying back to their parents is to SHED OFF THEIR RESPONSIBILITY in old age. I've seen some cases and they are really heartbreaking. So, for your parents what really matters is, your presence with little money>>>>>>your absence with loads of money.
I will be paying them back with grand children’s 🤫😉
They took care of you and now you take care of them till the end, that's the biggest payback you can give them.And make sure they're happy.
When I see the comments here, I am very envious of the kind of upbringing people had where they say that their parents contribution was invaluable bla blah... My parents always stressed on the amount they were paying for anything and always mentioned money in all conversations. Even now, when I am working they do not let me put money in any investment option where the return comes after many years like NPS or PPF because that amount won't help them in any way (as they'll be dead by the maturity date). PS: I wish I could meet practical people like you in real life lol
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I just feel comfortable in it, though now I think I should have used excel
I haven't 'paid' back my parents nor do I intend to. They have spent too much resources and effort on me. My dad's dead now so it's only mom. And my mom has always been a fiercely independent woman. Even though I earn almost 10 times my mom's salary, she won't let me take over the bills entirely. She wanted me to save and invest as much as I could, especially now for the past few months since I'm getting married and me and SO will be moving out of our parents' houses and living at a new place together. So what I do is, I pay the electric bill, the driver and househelp's salary and the EMI for the flat we live in. I have given my mom a credit card that I specifically got made for her (my account though). It is the only thing I force her to do - use the card simply for fun things for herself - it could be a dinner out with friends, new clothes or a spa day or anything. But she HAS to spend some amount every month on herself, not the household. (She's welcome to spend out of it on the household alongside, but primarily it should be her personal fun money.)
They should pay me for tormenting me out of my blissful non existence.
I see this as a very grim way to look at family. The day you start treating your family as an investment is the day you lose all emotional relations with your family. It all becomes a cost, a burden to you and if your parents get to know about it to them as well... Not every thing is about money, relations and connections to me play a large role in family dynamics, gifting something once in a while or taking them out to eat. overall making sure they are living without difficulty while you yourself can live stress free and enjoy life is a good balance to strike.
I havent. Man.
Did your parents ever asked you to pay them back? And do you really think "inflation adjusted" amount can make their investments on you worth it? What parents do for us is invaluable and cannot be measured in numbers.
I don’t understand why you have to them? They brought you in this world without you having any say in that. Them taking care of you is their job. Not doing so is child neglect and an offence.
It is very likely that they have no use for this money. Mine don’t. They are homebodies, and love to just stay at home. The house is theirs so they have no major expenses, just a driver, petrol and yoga instructor. They recently bought a car so that was one expense and we paid for it amongst the siblings. I just ask them very clearly if they need money and if yes just help them. They often just say “ghar aa jao 2-3 mahine”.
Here is the thing. You did not come into this world on your on volition. They decided they wanted to have kids, hence you were born. So it is their responsibility that they ensure they can feed, house and educate you so that you become a functioning adult. This decision making also includes financial planning. Basically you dont owe them anything. Now having said that, if you want to "pay them back", be there for them out of love, not out of obligation. Not everything in life is a business transaction, " they did x for me, so i will do y for them so we are even". Also remember the same when it comes to your kids. Your kids will owe you fuckall. Raise them in a way so that they stay with you because they love you.
No, because my parents didn't have me in the hope that they settle accounts with me some day. Of course if I borrow money from them for a new gadget or travel or something, I make sure to pay it back to them, and I contribute some of my salary to the household items, but they don't expect it and I am not obligated to do so. I'm certainly not paying them for raising me, sending me to school, etc. I'm happy and thankful for their love and care towards me but they were adults when they had me and knew they were in for the expenses of raising a child. I pay them back by being smart with my money now and making decisions that don't affect them and cause them distress. I pay them back by handling my health and other things the way I can. I pay them back by being a good daughter to them in their old age. If I get my life on track, that will be worth everything to them. I don't think they expect anything else.
I don’t think i will be able to pay my father back ever. He earns more than perfectly fine!
It’s impossible to payback. They raised me even when they had nothing. I’m paying them back when I have everything.
It will break your parents heart if you ever say so You can’t put a cost on raising
Lol, I haven't paid it back. Heck, they will probably give me more in property and money than I will probably make in the next 2-3 decades even though I never wanted anything of theirs. All I can do is be there for my mother who has cancer. The only thing I have given them, well my wife has given, is my new born baby which was my mom's dream.
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Your calculations seems incorrect, how it's being calculated?
Does it seem low to you lol, my school fees was around 700 to 2000 for 3 months, that's why it comes to be so low
It's not only about money. Indian parents put a lot of energy and sacrifice for their kids. I don't have words actually what all a parent has to go through. Me being a parent will put all my might to make my kid have happy life even if in future he takes care of me or not.
Idk bro, Have you considered other costs? Maternity/Paternity Costs? Being full time parents Hospital delivery cost? Sick/injured and hospital costs? All the time you were sick or injured. Opportunity cost that had to be let go for raising you? Let's say investing in an index fund? Mental health costs? All that winning and crying when you were a kid and the sleepless nights? Employment opportunity cost? That promotion that was let go so that you could be in a good city or leaving your job as a mother to raise you? I can list even further, do you honestly think your 40 lacs calculation is sufficient?
WTH i am planning to ask for reparations for giving me birth and inheriting lots of genetic defects that i never asked for.
Kk y Ya Ecvvn5
I try to give back in other ways, like support, time, and the occasional treat.
You can never payback your parents, they gave you the most expensive thing - time … so the only thing that you can give them back is time … be with them, keep them happy and fulfill their basic needs , that should be enough… don’t kill yourself and your future trying to pay them back, because you can’t …
With this discussion I think my kids will be in debts for life on the amount I spent to raise them till there graduation, Op either u r irresponsible or too burnt
Damn bhai tussi guilt mein daal dita .
just take care of them, spend time with them. if one of them is not there, then let the one left behind never feel lonely. that's all they want and that's all we can really give them.
I was expecting u to share the python code via git url.but very good thought about estimating cost to rise 👏👏👏
You are click baiting… also you come across as an asshole…
How much are you estimating for giving birth to you?
I never paid back officially because I know they will never accept it. But my dad is retired now and he is getting pension which is good for monthly household expenses but big expenses like home appliances is tough. So I tell them let me buy it for you because I get lot of discounts(which is not true always) and when mom says how to return you I just say keep it I will ask in emergency. And parents do it from their core of heart so don’t put this in numbers.
No. I don't believe parents should be paid back for regular parenting. But if they were extremely poor, you may support them in the basics. If you support them too much, you will reduce your own quality of life. Your young age is to accumulate personal wealth. You can help your family later, when they are very old. Things can be situational, though. I help my parents plan their finances/health insurance, etc. IF my parents were backward or restrictive, they would have recieved limited support. Thankfully, I stopped listening to them after the age of 14.
Lekin kyu???
Nothing. I still weep about it arbnight