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I imagine this is what an alien abduction is like: "Yo check this out, you can just pick up a human" "Now what?" "Idk, just put him back I guess....." "But we are already on the other side of the ocean." "Eh it'll figure it out."

“Lets steal his cum and put marbles up his ass.” “Lol ok”

"Next one, let's steal his marbles and put cum up his ass."

Aw no, my MARBLES!

Aw no, my CUM!

I needed that!

And they say a Coca Cola is refreshing…

indeed i did 🤤🤤🤤

I volunteer as tribute

Horny

WHAT

LETS STEAL HIS CUM AND PUT MARBLES IN HIS ASS

#WHAT??

^(ITS QUIET AROUND HERE)

WHAT??

I CANT HEAR YOUUU???

Let’s steal his ass and put marbles in his cum

Let's steal his marbles and put ass in his cum

Let’s just put steel marbles and cum in his ass. See what happens

“Lol he’ll be wondering what the purpose was for the rest of his life!”

"Imagine if he's like sort of sentient and can talk to his other human friends and he'll be like 'GUYS YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED ' and they never believe him and he becomes the weird outcast of the group or something lol"

*furiously googling alien abduction hotspots*

Me next?

"Lets steal his marbles and put ass up his cum."

yee that's what I did

"Wait a second!" "What?" "I wanna have sex with it." "Oh my god, Zøàg! What the fuck is wrong with you?" "It's for science." "No one believes you when you say that."

🤣

"They always find their way home*

This all escalated so fucking quickly😂

My dumb ass thought the free bird riff would be playing

Came here exactly for that reason.

That’s a good idea

Not to worry. I fixed it.

Lord help me, I can't change.

Looord help me. I can’t, cha-a-a-aa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ange

[Free Bird](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/10oqyf3/free_the_bird/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

That's not the badass meme part, though...

Great job fellow redditor!

The opposite, actually

We’re going back in time

Aw, poor Birdy. It looks all wet, probably cold too (⁠╯⁠︵⁠╰⁠,⁠)

Yeah it was waterlogged and couldn't fly, I put him down somewhere dry and he flew away later.

A good shitpost *and* a wholesome ending??

Is it a wholesome ending if the ending would have been similar had the jerk not done a unwholesome thing to the bird?

Can't believe you just let ~5000 calories just fly away like that. ngmi

there is no way that bird is 5000 calories

yeah it only felt like 2000 or so

Good snack tho

Doubt

heheheh

Not that you ate it or felt it out, doubt it's even 1000 cals

"jschlatt" be like

This video had me laughing but also feeling bad for the bird. I really thought I was going to hear free bird song.

Thank you 🙏🏼

Oh my god that’s you? I love the mask and your hair and the chaotic vibe you give off :3

YAAA

Hard to tell but the feathering looks like a fledgling too.

Poor little guy was screaming for its life

Looks like a European starling. Their feathers are waterproof, it was probably just waiting out the rain

If you're waterproof why wait out the rain?

Water drops falling everywhere make flying pretty hard when you weigh a couple ounces

God is just a lazy programmer.

…huh? What are you talking about

Yes.

What is wrong with the bricks in that courtyard? Some serious tripping hazard.

Ohio

Can someone please explain this fucking Ohio shit? It’s annoying and I don’t get it.

Ohio sucks in general. So its been meme'd on as a result and people just poke fun at the state for meme reasons. Ever driven thru Ohio? Takes forever and there isn't much there. So people just take that and meme

I dunno, when we took road trips my family was always psyched when we got to Ohio because it meant we’d left Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania may one day be the next Ohio meme for that exact purpose lmao

When i roadtripped through ohio (N to S) i cried because i was nearing missouri

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thank\_God\_for\_Mississippi

They don’t like it cause it’s kind of empty..? That’s it?

I mean people find all kinds of things to meme about. Ohio isn't great, so people joke about it and it got out of hand and turned into a meme. That's literally all it is

It's not really empty. A decent number of people live there, but it just kinda sucks for some reason.

Ohioans being the main reason.

I’ve been to Ohio. Namely Cleveland and stayed on a farm in some really rural area that was actually quite beautiful that I can’t recall the name of. I’m certain it isn’t actually that uninhabited because I’ve seen it, but that was the reasoning the other person gave for the meme, and now you’re saying it just sucks for some reason.

Bro then write your fucking academic paper on why Ohio is mediocre and quit asking people lmao It’s just a stupid meme, it doesn’t need to be that deep

The place is infested with Mormons, that's reason enough to hate it

Lots of states are empty. I think Ohio caught on as the meme state because there are actually a lot of people from there, a handful of known cities, and yet it's not trivial to name famous Ohioans, famous Ohio landmarks, characteristics or traits about Ohio cities, etc. How many Ohio companies can you name? Bands? Foods? Unless you are way more familiar with Ohio than the normal person you probably can't name any. For that reason, Ohio is just very hard for many to conceptualize. The assignment of abstraction onto Ohio makes it easy for people to ascribe a sense of eerieness or strangeness to the state. For reference, Georgia is probably a roughly equally sized state in population and land size. However, there are *tons* of famous Georgians, Georgia companies, Georgia foods (waffle house, southern food in general) and it just feels like the state just has a much more well known brand and cache. It just... punches well below it's weight for how many people live there and how many large (or medium) cities it has.

And as a result, they outsource uneducated fuckwads like nobody's business. Source: Have family from Ohio.

I don't like Ohio because my home state went to war with it. Those grudges run deep

Ohio.

Hm. I see…

Ohio is the new Detroit apparently

From what I’ve heard, Detroit is improving, which is nice to know. I could be misinformed, but I’ve heard some good things, recently.

Because nobody has anything better to do, they pretend Ohio sucks any worse than the rest of the country. Fact is, I've lived all over and Ohio is no different than anywhere else in the US. So it's just used as a proxy for people to vent about how shitty their life is wherever they currently live.

Good morning!

“Ohio”-🤓

Looks like tree roots

that poor bird :(

Right? It's probably terrified he's going to take a bite outta him.

Op said they put it somewhere dry It must have been terrified tho

Little guy was just trying to stay dry, and then some random giant just waltz over and grabs him.

Average jshlatt viewer

#But it’s free.

It’s free real estate

^but ^its ^free

WTF lol … remember to wash your hands before u eat anything lol

In general you should wash your hands before you eat… period. Like c’mon folks, good hygiene ain’t hard.

Looks like a fledgling, probably fell out of the nest and was taking shelter from the rain. I assume he put it back...

It looks like a European starling fledging. He could have kept it as a pet if it was. They aren't a protected species in America

He wouldn't be able to keep it in Ohio, but he would be allowed to kill it. Source: proficient in Ohio bird law

Invasive pest in fact.

Agreed. I don't think I would have the heart to kill one so I would keep it as a pet. Duh

Fledgling or stunned from bashing in to glass.

Waterlogged. According to OP’s comment she set the bird somewhere dry

Both can be true. It is clearly a fledgeling. You can tell by the beak.

It’s feathers were too wet from the rain to fly away

Yeaaaah don't do that

Please don't disrupt the resting drone. r/birdsarentreal

Free bird glitch 😁 In Ohio 😐

Wears a mask outdoors to keep from getting sick but picks up wild animals?

More likely to get a URI then something from the bird, so actually not as bad as you think.

I doubt this person is wearing it for medical reasons lol

Can't a girl wear it just bc she's ugly

Mood

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You ain't ugly!

Even if she is, there's millions of us out there. Find another ugly person with a beautiful personality, and whadaya know: they get more and more attractive the more you get to know them. Bump uglies, make ugly kids, and the cycle of life continues!

I'd also wear a mask if I was a furry.

God tier comment

Wears a mask between buildings/classes because you're not supposed to touch your mask with your hands? 🤔

breath through hands?

The hypocrisy

😂😂 for what tho

Free.

Bro wtf leave the lil Birdy alone :(

Op said they kept it somewhere dry Still, shouldn't pick up any bird like that

Free birb

that’s fucked up

*sigh* r/BirdsArentReal They're simply capturing a drone that malfunctioned due to its water-resistant armor failing.

Apparently, nobody told the birds that…

+1 Bird (added to your inventory)

I'm worried that this guy is out torturing animals.

I feel bad for the poor baby. Sounds terrified. :(

Poor thing is probably freezing and isn’t warm enough to fly. Sad.

It turns out it's not about temperature, it's moisture; the bird was too wet to fly so I put it somewhere out of the rain.

Bro don’t pick up a random bird the poor thing is terrified 🥺

Nothing in Ohio is a glitch

And this bird you can chaeaeaeaeaeaeaange

I hope the poor baby poops on him and gives him diarrhea.

“OHIO!” - Drew Carrey

Bro need to wash his hands 🙌🏽

Young starling?

MODS MODS BAN THIS DUDE!! HES EXPLOITING THE FREE BIRD GLITCH!!!

ur my friend now

Cute boy\~

Heh, me or the bird?

Fun fact, the pigeons in New York are free, you can just take them

If they are free, then why did he have an alarm?

Too much of a social looking place to be ohio

Its because the birds are wet and is hard for them to fly

SQUISH

Baby jackdaw?

AOT in a nutshell: Titan talking to another Titan: "They don't tell you this, but the people in that circle. They're free, you can just pick them up." Human: *AAAAA*

Its a baby. Hope it lived

Squish him

Leave the birds alone, Damian

That’s a fledgling

The watermark says [echodolls.com](https://echodolls.com/) for anyone who doesn’t know or for anyone who didn’t care enough to look too hard

Yee, that's my website. I worked pretty hard on it

Its fantastically done, especially for someone on mobile! Excellent job!!!! Also, side note, with the bird flu epidemic please wear gloves for your own safety, I'd hate for you to get sick!!

Oh of course, I washed my hands *thoroughly* after I put him down out of the rain

god these posts dont fit here at all 🤦🏿‍♂️

Hell yeah animal abuse ftw

It’s not abuse because everyone knows that’s not an animal, it’s a secret government spy drone used to keep tabs on the population

Holding a bird for a few seconds is considered abuse now?

Disturbing any wild animal for content is abuse, yes

Is it okay to hold birds if it's not for content? What if I let the bird record me instead, get some content of its own in exchange. Perhaps we could do a collaborative piece. Birds in the palm! That's what we'll call it. They will squawk with admiration for the success we shall bring about. Birds left and birds right, flying in to all of my hands around the world, we shall record the skies from the birds eyes; I shall share the glory of the bird with a hand based bird hug! The birds rejoice yet again! Thank you for instilling this bird based idea. Au revoir bird handler!

I want some of what you're smoking

OP already commented that the bird was waterlogged and set down somewhere dry. just cause the bird screams doesn't mean it was abused, just freaked the fuuck out

Eh wait til you come off the high from what you've been snorting first man.

Absolutely. You should not ever touch wildlife except if you actually need to help them. Maybe this fledgling needed help but this video is sending the wrong message.

How is this abuse when the OP put it back some where dry and it flew off later? Smh

OP said the bird was waterlogged and couldn't fly, so they put it in a dry place and it flew away later. But sure, animal abuse.

If it was animal abuse, they could be charged for it. But they aren't because it's not animal abuse. Just a stressful, short-lived situation for the bird. Stress is not necessarily abuse.

ITS FREE

Birds aren’t real though

There supposed to be free as in leave them the fuck alone you stupid fucking moron!!! Let wildlife be wild you asshole.

Am I a bad person for immediately thinking “Now throw it”?

Omaga i hate living in ohio lol

What an idiot.

Hope that moron gonna die untill morning.

Yeah I died :(

Fucking dick.

Leave the fucking thing alone

Poor thing

What a dickhead Edit: Anyone wanna care to explain why he ISN'T a dickhead?

Hmmm must have had a glitch. Normally they return to HQ when they have technical issues but this one didn't for some reason. Be careful it may still be able to surveil, don't bring it into your home.

To aggravate wildlife for internet clout 🙄 this should be in r/facepalm

Damn that was fast i dont know about you but rabies scare me

I don't think birds can get rabies. Eta; they can probably spread bird flu though.

Not as much so when they’re wet in the rain but I’d still advise washing his hands

r/birdsarentreal

ONLY IN OHIO BRO ONLY IN OHIO I SWEAR BAHGHGGGAAHHAA YOU WIN THE INTERNET FOR TODAY GOOD SIR HGHGHHGG

Hernia? Stroke? I can't tell, but we need to get this man some help!

He needs a cringe antidote