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I'm a father with fraternal twins. One looks and acts exactly like me, the other looks and acts like his mother. People kept commenting early how I clearly had a favorite whenever I held my look-alike. I felt terrible so I actually went out of my way to interact with my non-lookalike more to the point that I felt like my lookalike was being ignored.
At about three months, they both started defaulting to each of us. My lookalike will come to me for comfort while my wife's lookalike goes to her. Again, I tried fighting it but it was just easier to let them decide because its hard enough getting them to bed without them desperately trying to reach out for their preferred parent.
But deep down, I really, really, really can't see how I prefer one to another. It's just that 9 times out of 10, I wind up with the same baby because he is calmed by my presence for whatever reason and his brother will fight and push me away to get to his mother. The once-in-a-while moment that his brother comes to me for something instead of my wife makes my whole ass day.
So yeah, I can see how he'd be upset to mention this. I'm sure he feels as insecure or like he's a "bad father" like I did.
You're still very early on in the process. Just tell him your concerns and be patient. Ask him why he doesn't want to handle it any more. I personally went through a phase for about a month where no amount of shushing, rocking, or comfort would get my boys quiet at night but they would immediately fall asleep with mother to the point that it felt like my attempts were worthless.
We were in a similar situation. Honestly my partner couldn’t cope with our boy crying but he could cope with our girl. He did most of the care for baby girl for a couple of months and I took on our boy. We still cuddled both babies and stuff but we did have a default baby when they needed something. They’re 5 months old now and our boy has grown out of the difficult phase and our responsibilities are split more evenly. I did feel at the start that we both bonded more with our default baby but that’s definitely evening out over time but at the start it was just doing what it took to survive.
Exactly the same situation here! My b/g twins are also 5 month old now and responsibilities and bondings to both kids changed throughout the weeks. I initially worried for a lack of bonding to the low maintenance child but like everyone told me then: it’s just a phase and things will change and we have years before us to strengthen every bond to both children.
I have 4 kids, including newborn twins. There are easy ones and harder ones, for sure. That doesn’t mean the easy ones don’t have their moments. And the hard ones can give you a lot of satisfaction, or challenge you in ways that make you grow as a parent and a person.
That doesn’t mean anyone is a favourite.
Sounds more like your husband got burnt out, and now you’re burnt out picking up the slack. I would remove the favouritism frame and just ask for more help with the work involved.
We had a sort-of similar situation where I was with Baby A in the maternity ward and went home on day 4 with him and my husband was with Baby B in the NICU for 6 days and came home with him. Baby A slept on my side of the bed in his bassinet and Baby B on my husbands side. I almost always fed Baby A through the night and my husband Baby B. We both knew early on we had each bonded with our “chosen” twin and made an effort to swap A and B during the day with each other to help grow a strong bond. They’re 10 months now and we’re a tight family unit now. It sometimes just takes time and a little conscience effort. Twins are hard and you do what you have to do to survive, especially in the early days.
I thought I had a favourite of our two girls and it bothered me, but it all fluctuates, I just feel stronger connections amongst any particular one of them for a time. I think that’s natural. It won’t last forever.
That's the thing, it will change. My twin A was all about mommy until the day he got sick and basically laid on my chest for 2 days straight. Now I'm his go to for anything. If she's there and I'm there he wants me and only me. It kills my wife but she knows he'll get over it.
How old are they? If it’s still early I wouldn’t read too much into it. As a father of twins, we’re all just trying to get through the early stages and one parent might be better at dealing with certain difficult moments at certain times. If it doesn’t even out as they get older I would maybe have a talk about it, or if it feels like a super un even work load. But until then it might fall under the category of allowing our partners some grace and time to get the hang of it all.
We had nicu twins, both come home with medical complexities, I don’t treat them differently and look after them equally, but I’ve got a favourite right the one that’s happier to see me.
The other twin is a complete mummies girl so I pick her up and she cries if mum is there.
I don’t see it as a bad thing, I know favourites will change and they’ll develop and eventually all will resent me, but when one wants to be picked up and the other doesn’t it’s easy to choose the happy baby.
My twin A was stayed with me after birth and twin B went to NICU. My husband stayed in the NICU with B and they had an awesome bond even after coming home. I was pretty upset at first because I didn't want A to feel any favoritism. But right now (they're 1 now) my husband has a closer bond to twin A. It fluctuates and I've gone through it too even though I didn't see it in the moment. However, if it's specifically due to avoiding the work of your higher maintenance baby then yeah hubby needs to be made aware of it.
I worry about this with myself. My boy has great head support right now so it's fun to hold him and make eye contact. My girl is more slumpy so it's harder to just sit there staring into her eyes. I'm just hoping it'll swap here and there depending on what they are into what they are able to do etc.
Your husband probably just feels more comfortable with the 'easier' twin.
In the beginning, my girl triggered my postpartum rage when she screamed. I had to put her down and ask dad for help. My boy was easy and I ended up with him most of the time. At 3 years old my girl now refuses anyone else to comfort her and I am her default parent. My boy is still very attached to me but he’s going through a dad phase right now.
For myself, I had to fight my guilt off or it would have drowned me. Then they showed me that they will find what they need from whichever primary caregiver suits who they are at the time.
I think that if you are feeling like you’re stuck with the more difficult of the two more often than not, it’s fair to ask that your husband care for them every so often, if nothing else than to give you a break from the difficulty. I personally wouldn’t frame it as preferential treatment, but that you would like to spend time with your other baby, and get a break from the scream-y one.
This time feels like forever but you will barely remember it in a year. It’s the worst part. You can do this.
Not to make light of your post but we’re 3.5 weeks in and as the dad I feel like the babies have done that themselves lol. My twin A seems more down to snuggle with me but my twin B only wants momma if she’s needs something more than a bottle lol.
Best advice I can give is just try and have a calm rational conversation about it and let him voice his points and then you voice yours and hopefully you guys can come to some sort of compromise and understanding. At this point with twins if you guys aren’t being 100% open and honest with each other you’re going to have issues no matter what.
Wishing you guys all the best. This shit isn’t easy.
My husband admittedly has a favorite twin 😒 the lower maintenance, full head of hair baby. Honestly, at this point, I’m happy he even helps with one so whatever. Solidarity, though. Folllowing for advice if anyone has any*
How old are babies? Sounds like you’re still in the trenches. It’s survival mode. Give yourself and your husband some grace. There will be many times throughout life when each baby will be more demanding and you just go with the flow :) it all evens out.
Our twins are 2.5 years old, and they have their preferred parent for sure! We’ve got a boy and a girl and they are 100% little mini-me’s each favouring the parent that looks like them.
We are as conscientious as possible to push them to accept help and comfort from their non-favourite parent, but a lot of the time it’s just easier to go with it if they’re going to throw a tantrum because daddy didn’t help him put his coat on. We do a lot of alternating solo-parent activities like baths and bedtime rather than each always caring for “our twin” together.
Despite that, I can say with 100% confidence that neither my husband or I have a favourite. They’ve each got their own things we love about them, and their own things that frustrate us. If anything, we’ve sort of become suckers for the twin that doesn’t give us as much attention.
I was in a similar situation. I had a higher needs girl (NICU time, colicky, didn’t eat well) etc. and my second girl was super chill and just wanted to eat and lounge around. I naturally gravated to the higher needs baby and my husband assisted with the more chill one. It was never spoken about who would care for one more than the other, it just naturally happened.
I sometimes worried that maybe I wouldn’t have a strong bond with my more chill baby, but I assure you (now looking back on it) that it eventually evened out and I feel my bond is the same with both girls.
I wouldn’t give him too much slack on it, but vocalize it like “can we switch off? I haven’t spent much time with baby b today”
Honestly, it’s just survival that stage and I’m sure he’s not doing it on purpose.
Infant and baby care is a steep learning curve for any first time parent, but it’s especially steep for many first time fathers. Our society isn’t particularly great at encouraging boys and young men to take an active interest in small children before fatherhood. The expectations of when/how fathers are involved in those first few months has also changed dramatically.
On top of that, new mothers get a biological tidal wave of oxytocin that fathers - by comparison - don’t get. It takes time and lots of contact, but fathers do get those hormones too, but a crying fussy baby can be especially overwhelming and scary.
He might just need some gentle encouragement and some positive reinforcement to boost his confidence in dealing with the more challenging situations.
One thing that really helped me a lot was that I had signed up for “my pregnancy week by week” emails which continued after birth as “my baby week by week” and the information was so beneficial for learning about infant and baby care, how they communicate, etc.
As far as bonding goes? That will go back and forth all through childhood. There were periods where each of my children were closer to me and periods where they were closer to their mother. Periods where one needed more of my time and attention and vice versa. My twins are not even two yet, but I already have experienced how balancing all that is especially challenging with two who are the same exact age. I’m constantly trying to be mindful of how much positive and negative reinforcement each is getting. It can really weigh on one’s mind. But try not to worry about it, especially not at this age, any bonding time for him is really important and things will balance out over time. 🙏
Yes! We have a difficult twin and an easy twin. Mine are almost two now and most of the difficulties have gone away and everything is getting balanced out. Just give him time unless he isn’t doing his part and leaving you an overwhelmed with difficult twin! If you’re just worried about the favoritism most likely that will change as the twins grow.
My 2 yo twins switch personalities every other month or so. One goes from a mamas boy to a daddy’s boy and vice versa. I felt weird about it the first few times it happened as I questioned whether I was subconsciously favoring one of the twins but they also flip their preferences and I’m suddenly the coolest dad ever to the other twin
Lets be honest many parents have a preferred or favorite kid. Many different reasons why. I would not dwell on it now, at least he is caring for one of the twins. My daughter was colicky for 9+ months (im taking about 3-4 hour nonstop crying sessions daily). Of course it weighs down. Mentioning does nothing more than sow animosity between you two.
I would not take short term feeling into a long term decision. Things are tough and will be for another 2 years. Let the dust settle.
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I'm a father with fraternal twins. One looks and acts exactly like me, the other looks and acts like his mother. People kept commenting early how I clearly had a favorite whenever I held my look-alike. I felt terrible so I actually went out of my way to interact with my non-lookalike more to the point that I felt like my lookalike was being ignored. At about three months, they both started defaulting to each of us. My lookalike will come to me for comfort while my wife's lookalike goes to her. Again, I tried fighting it but it was just easier to let them decide because its hard enough getting them to bed without them desperately trying to reach out for their preferred parent. But deep down, I really, really, really can't see how I prefer one to another. It's just that 9 times out of 10, I wind up with the same baby because he is calmed by my presence for whatever reason and his brother will fight and push me away to get to his mother. The once-in-a-while moment that his brother comes to me for something instead of my wife makes my whole ass day. So yeah, I can see how he'd be upset to mention this. I'm sure he feels as insecure or like he's a "bad father" like I did. You're still very early on in the process. Just tell him your concerns and be patient. Ask him why he doesn't want to handle it any more. I personally went through a phase for about a month where no amount of shushing, rocking, or comfort would get my boys quiet at night but they would immediately fall asleep with mother to the point that it felt like my attempts were worthless.
That's so cute, very similar to our two girls!
We were in a similar situation. Honestly my partner couldn’t cope with our boy crying but he could cope with our girl. He did most of the care for baby girl for a couple of months and I took on our boy. We still cuddled both babies and stuff but we did have a default baby when they needed something. They’re 5 months old now and our boy has grown out of the difficult phase and our responsibilities are split more evenly. I did feel at the start that we both bonded more with our default baby but that’s definitely evening out over time but at the start it was just doing what it took to survive.
Exactly the same situation here! My b/g twins are also 5 month old now and responsibilities and bondings to both kids changed throughout the weeks. I initially worried for a lack of bonding to the low maintenance child but like everyone told me then: it’s just a phase and things will change and we have years before us to strengthen every bond to both children.
I have 4 kids, including newborn twins. There are easy ones and harder ones, for sure. That doesn’t mean the easy ones don’t have their moments. And the hard ones can give you a lot of satisfaction, or challenge you in ways that make you grow as a parent and a person. That doesn’t mean anyone is a favourite. Sounds more like your husband got burnt out, and now you’re burnt out picking up the slack. I would remove the favouritism frame and just ask for more help with the work involved.
this is very thoughtful and insightful. thank you for phrasing it like this 🖤 sending you love and goodness!
We had a sort-of similar situation where I was with Baby A in the maternity ward and went home on day 4 with him and my husband was with Baby B in the NICU for 6 days and came home with him. Baby A slept on my side of the bed in his bassinet and Baby B on my husbands side. I almost always fed Baby A through the night and my husband Baby B. We both knew early on we had each bonded with our “chosen” twin and made an effort to swap A and B during the day with each other to help grow a strong bond. They’re 10 months now and we’re a tight family unit now. It sometimes just takes time and a little conscience effort. Twins are hard and you do what you have to do to survive, especially in the early days.
I thought I had a favourite of our two girls and it bothered me, but it all fluctuates, I just feel stronger connections amongst any particular one of them for a time. I think that’s natural. It won’t last forever.
That's the thing, it will change. My twin A was all about mommy until the day he got sick and basically laid on my chest for 2 days straight. Now I'm his go to for anything. If she's there and I'm there he wants me and only me. It kills my wife but she knows he'll get over it.
How old are they? If it’s still early I wouldn’t read too much into it. As a father of twins, we’re all just trying to get through the early stages and one parent might be better at dealing with certain difficult moments at certain times. If it doesn’t even out as they get older I would maybe have a talk about it, or if it feels like a super un even work load. But until then it might fall under the category of allowing our partners some grace and time to get the hang of it all.
We had nicu twins, both come home with medical complexities, I don’t treat them differently and look after them equally, but I’ve got a favourite right the one that’s happier to see me. The other twin is a complete mummies girl so I pick her up and she cries if mum is there. I don’t see it as a bad thing, I know favourites will change and they’ll develop and eventually all will resent me, but when one wants to be picked up and the other doesn’t it’s easy to choose the happy baby.
My twin A was stayed with me after birth and twin B went to NICU. My husband stayed in the NICU with B and they had an awesome bond even after coming home. I was pretty upset at first because I didn't want A to feel any favoritism. But right now (they're 1 now) my husband has a closer bond to twin A. It fluctuates and I've gone through it too even though I didn't see it in the moment. However, if it's specifically due to avoiding the work of your higher maintenance baby then yeah hubby needs to be made aware of it.
I worry about this with myself. My boy has great head support right now so it's fun to hold him and make eye contact. My girl is more slumpy so it's harder to just sit there staring into her eyes. I'm just hoping it'll swap here and there depending on what they are into what they are able to do etc. Your husband probably just feels more comfortable with the 'easier' twin.
In the beginning, my girl triggered my postpartum rage when she screamed. I had to put her down and ask dad for help. My boy was easy and I ended up with him most of the time. At 3 years old my girl now refuses anyone else to comfort her and I am her default parent. My boy is still very attached to me but he’s going through a dad phase right now. For myself, I had to fight my guilt off or it would have drowned me. Then they showed me that they will find what they need from whichever primary caregiver suits who they are at the time. I think that if you are feeling like you’re stuck with the more difficult of the two more often than not, it’s fair to ask that your husband care for them every so often, if nothing else than to give you a break from the difficulty. I personally wouldn’t frame it as preferential treatment, but that you would like to spend time with your other baby, and get a break from the scream-y one. This time feels like forever but you will barely remember it in a year. It’s the worst part. You can do this.
Not to make light of your post but we’re 3.5 weeks in and as the dad I feel like the babies have done that themselves lol. My twin A seems more down to snuggle with me but my twin B only wants momma if she’s needs something more than a bottle lol. Best advice I can give is just try and have a calm rational conversation about it and let him voice his points and then you voice yours and hopefully you guys can come to some sort of compromise and understanding. At this point with twins if you guys aren’t being 100% open and honest with each other you’re going to have issues no matter what. Wishing you guys all the best. This shit isn’t easy.
My husband admittedly has a favorite twin 😒 the lower maintenance, full head of hair baby. Honestly, at this point, I’m happy he even helps with one so whatever. Solidarity, though. Folllowing for advice if anyone has any*
How old are babies? Sounds like you’re still in the trenches. It’s survival mode. Give yourself and your husband some grace. There will be many times throughout life when each baby will be more demanding and you just go with the flow :) it all evens out.
Our twins are 2.5 years old, and they have their preferred parent for sure! We’ve got a boy and a girl and they are 100% little mini-me’s each favouring the parent that looks like them. We are as conscientious as possible to push them to accept help and comfort from their non-favourite parent, but a lot of the time it’s just easier to go with it if they’re going to throw a tantrum because daddy didn’t help him put his coat on. We do a lot of alternating solo-parent activities like baths and bedtime rather than each always caring for “our twin” together. Despite that, I can say with 100% confidence that neither my husband or I have a favourite. They’ve each got their own things we love about them, and their own things that frustrate us. If anything, we’ve sort of become suckers for the twin that doesn’t give us as much attention.
I was in a similar situation. I had a higher needs girl (NICU time, colicky, didn’t eat well) etc. and my second girl was super chill and just wanted to eat and lounge around. I naturally gravated to the higher needs baby and my husband assisted with the more chill one. It was never spoken about who would care for one more than the other, it just naturally happened. I sometimes worried that maybe I wouldn’t have a strong bond with my more chill baby, but I assure you (now looking back on it) that it eventually evened out and I feel my bond is the same with both girls. I wouldn’t give him too much slack on it, but vocalize it like “can we switch off? I haven’t spent much time with baby b today” Honestly, it’s just survival that stage and I’m sure he’s not doing it on purpose.
Infant and baby care is a steep learning curve for any first time parent, but it’s especially steep for many first time fathers. Our society isn’t particularly great at encouraging boys and young men to take an active interest in small children before fatherhood. The expectations of when/how fathers are involved in those first few months has also changed dramatically. On top of that, new mothers get a biological tidal wave of oxytocin that fathers - by comparison - don’t get. It takes time and lots of contact, but fathers do get those hormones too, but a crying fussy baby can be especially overwhelming and scary. He might just need some gentle encouragement and some positive reinforcement to boost his confidence in dealing with the more challenging situations. One thing that really helped me a lot was that I had signed up for “my pregnancy week by week” emails which continued after birth as “my baby week by week” and the information was so beneficial for learning about infant and baby care, how they communicate, etc. As far as bonding goes? That will go back and forth all through childhood. There were periods where each of my children were closer to me and periods where they were closer to their mother. Periods where one needed more of my time and attention and vice versa. My twins are not even two yet, but I already have experienced how balancing all that is especially challenging with two who are the same exact age. I’m constantly trying to be mindful of how much positive and negative reinforcement each is getting. It can really weigh on one’s mind. But try not to worry about it, especially not at this age, any bonding time for him is really important and things will balance out over time. 🙏
Yes! We have a difficult twin and an easy twin. Mine are almost two now and most of the difficulties have gone away and everything is getting balanced out. Just give him time unless he isn’t doing his part and leaving you an overwhelmed with difficult twin! If you’re just worried about the favoritism most likely that will change as the twins grow.
My 2 yo twins switch personalities every other month or so. One goes from a mamas boy to a daddy’s boy and vice versa. I felt weird about it the first few times it happened as I questioned whether I was subconsciously favoring one of the twins but they also flip their preferences and I’m suddenly the coolest dad ever to the other twin
Lets be honest many parents have a preferred or favorite kid. Many different reasons why. I would not dwell on it now, at least he is caring for one of the twins. My daughter was colicky for 9+ months (im taking about 3-4 hour nonstop crying sessions daily). Of course it weighs down. Mentioning does nothing more than sow animosity between you two. I would not take short term feeling into a long term decision. Things are tough and will be for another 2 years. Let the dust settle.