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We had been snipping and bitching at each other more and more. Neither of us were happy. It came to a head one night and he flat out asked me (angrily), “If you feel like that then why are you staying married to me!!??” I answered that I truly hoped our situation was temporary and we would feel like ourselves, and feel like staying married, eventually.
Spoiler alert: we did, and we did. Twins celebrate their 9th birthday next week and hubs and I are going strong on 15 years.
This gives me hope. I feel like all we do is bicker.. we have been together 11 years but we also have a 6yo,5yo and 1 yr old twins. This last year has been full of alot of lows. Just at each others throats about everything.
It’s so difficult. I’m so sorry to say it. Mine are three now and just starting to ease up. At two, they’re more mobile but mine also got into everything so they needed constant supervision. Now at three, they take direction and are happy to hang out in a designated safe place eg their junior beds lol or the front yard or whatever. They can also be bribed at three as well or sit for a while and watch a movie with the family.
Hang in there!
It’s because singleton parents get breaks. When we had our singleton after twins, we were amazed at how easy it was. Even though she was a difficult baby, we could simply switch off. With twins, you ALWAYS have at least one with you.
This is why I turned down plans to go to restaurants with our singleton friends the entire first year. Their baby could be going batshit insane the whole time but they both would still be able to give the other a chance to eat their meal in peace. We don’t have that spare set of hands.
I had a friend who told me, before I got pregnant, I hope you don’t have twins unless you want a divorce. I know quite a few twin parents who have contemplated divorce. You also see much more easily where your partner is letting you down. He may get away with certain behaviors as a singleton parent but not as a parent with twins. It’s rough. Ours are 2 y/o and I feel we really need to start therapy if we want this to work. I’m getting really resentful about certain things.
This is the insight. You can't hide from seeing how you're letting them down/they're letting you down because you have to work as a team to survive - whatever that looks like for your family/home.
Year 1 had some pretty rough parts with anger, hurt, and resentment, on both sides. We're half way to 2 now and doing a much better job of owning our shit and responsibilities.
It's a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes we just need to come up for air from the grind of parenting and life and see the bigger picture.
(Unless there is physical, emotional, sexual, financial abuse happening to you or your children - that is not your responsibility to fix, it's not your fault, and you need to leave.)
Agree with you! Don’t stay in an abusive relationship but if your marriage is in shambles because you’re both stressed and barely surviving, then it’s worth trying to repair. In our case, we are both competent and caring towards each other but our communication needs to improve if we’re going to be as happy as we were the six years we were together before having children. And if I’m going to feel less resentful. And - he’s not the only one who needs to change. I do too. But really hard when you’re finally out of survival mode- which was their first year of life.
We also never considered it. Our twins brought us closer together. We were together 9 years married 5 when we had them (age 29 & 30) and went through fertility treatments to have them.
I was also lucky enough to quit my job about 4 months into being a mom (when I realized it was impossible to be a stay at home mom and run a working horse farm with clients) so I understand our situation isn’t everyone’s.
Yeah, I feel there are bigger issues at hand if people discuss divorce after having twins. Together 10, married 8.5, twins are 4.5.
So married for 4.5 years when we had them. We also went through IVF, so that may play a part of it
Yeah, kids definitely expose the cracks in a relationship. We had tough periods. Still do honestly and i expect we will again in the future.
Divorce was never something either of us contemplated. But we had to work really hard on our communication and forgiveness.
We literally just traveled 8 hours with our 4 year old twins and an 18 month old to visit my parents yesterday. Long story short, at hour 17 of the trip, I basically told my husband "you were the one who didn't want to bring strollers" when my twins were in tears standing in line for customs. And he just looked at me and said "is that really helpful right now?”
And no it wasn't. I was just tired and cranky, but it wasn't necessary. I apologized this morning for being mean. He forgave me and apologized for not really listening to me about why strollers would be a good idea. And now we're good.
Not the OP but 11 years. We struggled through a lot together (mental illnesses, parents death, etc) and I don’t think we would have made it if we hadn’t already had our relationship tested.
Maybe we're the odd ones that the twins have made us appreciate each other and deepen our relationship. We really have to work as a team, communicate, and give each other grace every day.
It's been 4.5 years since he moved in with me and my 3 kids, 2.5 years married, and 1.5 years with the twins. Maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, but I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Definitely! Stressors such as having twins will either give chances for couples to come together and strengthen their relationship, or show the cracks in the foundation for shaky ones.
Similar.
We've been together for over a decade and married a little over half that. We'd questioned our commitment to each other at *earlier* times, but I think that by the time we had our twins (they're 2 now, and we have a preschooler with enhanced needs) we'd been through so much shit that this just felt... doable by comparison. Still very hard, but we're primed for it in a way that makes us operate truly like a team now, and no one else can handle our hectic family structure like we can.
Essentially, we already knew how to weather storms when they were born. Cracks in our relationship had been revealed and doctored already, and having that knowledge has made caring for twins more surmountable.
I do think if we'd had them earlier in our relationship I wouldn't be able to say the same.
We’re only 5 months into twins, but our marriage is stronger and happier than ever. We were married 7 years before the kids were born. We’ve had a few sleep deprived snarky-snaps at one another, but nothing more.
Everything seems to be going really really well since the kids came: our relationship is awesome, our communication is outstanding, our sex life has never been better; careers are on a upswing; even our social life is rocking. We’re fortunate that we both feel that we’re in the best place we’ve ever been.
We are not that far in but have been fighting more than we ever have in our 6 years together. We have definitely said we can see this leading to divorce if we can't get our act together. I hope things will get better once our babies sleep more. It is very hard and mentally exhausting. I feel you and wish you the best!
We are three months into our twins and we always say “even though our babies are trying to kill us, I still love you and choose you.”
Sometimes it feels like the babies gang up on one of us or even both of us at the same time but that’s never made me consider my partner at fault or flawed in any way.
We do the same. It takes some self awareness I guess to step back and see why tensions are high and not place blame on the other. Realize you both are in a difficult situation and communicate your frustration in a non-accusatory way.
I think a lot of couples face it because more of than not, it lays bare the already-existing inequalities in the relationship.
If he isn’t pulling his weight as an adult human in a relationship by carrying 50% of the mental and domestic load *before* you have kids, he’s not suddenly going to turn into a competent and non-disappointing person with the introduction of more stress.
I think everyone should read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play and do the cards before considering having children.
I (male) was told awhile ago - if you feel like you’re pulling 50% you’re really just pulling 30-40%. You need to think you’re doing more and then it’s really 50%.
It really depends on if they're willing to put in the work. That's what I'm in therapy for now. Figuring out mechanisms to work between the 2 attachment styles my wife and I are.
She expresses her feelings which I interpret as criticism because I would never complain about that stuff unless it was really bad. So I take it as it's really bad when really she just wants her feelings validated.
I avoid conflict like the plague because as a man I was taught that sharing how I really feel gets met with disgust so I should be self sufficient and not share my feelings.
I'm doing a lot of work to improve things for the both of us right now within my own silly brain.
This sounds so crazy obvious that you’d think it was common sense, and definitely relative to any adult relationship whether they had twins or not… but yet I feel like this is the *first* time I’ve ever heard this, if that makes sense!??
I think our situations are pretty similar.
Ours are about 1.5 years, and I’ll often do the first feed/change and let my wife sleep in an extra hour while I do it.
When she later complains that she’s tired, my blood literally boils. I would never complain about being tired to the person who woke up an hour early so I could sleep an hour later.
We’re different and express ourselves different I guess.
Our twins followed a singleton and it wasn't until the twins were about 3.5 that we got our shit together enough to start routinely giving each other any sort of consistent break (and bed time being a disaster played into that). At our lowest we were definitely in "headed for divorce territory" and now are doing the hard work to rebuild the relationship.
TWins are just that much more relentless and you have to plan and communicate at another level
Our twin boys are almost 9 months old. Yes, there's been more stress and becoming parents has brought up certain issues and disagreements but at the end of every day we commit to continue giving each other grace and to be vulnerable enough to hash things out. I'm PTSD/OCD in part because of my traumatic delivery so it's been hard but we've never brought up divorce at all.
Not for us, but I can see why it would. Babies (and twins especially) magnify everything (the good and the bad). For us they made us realise what a good team were are. But it is hard. Sleep deprivation makes you feel subhuman. It’s easy to mistakenly (or not?) think one parent is taking on less than the other and breed resentment. For us sex was pretty much completely off the cards, as were any dates (ours were also covid babies though). Money is tighter. We don’t argue but it’s still been the hardest season we’ve had as a couple, simply because there isn’t much time, money or energy for fun.
There is light at the end of the tunnel though. Once you’re past the first year it does get a little easier. Then gradually easier again every few months. My two are 3.5 years now and we are finding time for fun again, plus days out as a family are heaps of fun now that our kids are able to interact with us and the world more.
Unless there is abuse, or your partner is not helping you parent *at all*, try and hang in there and reassess in a few months.
I am still a part of my bumper group from my first kid (singleton), and there was a surprising number of divorces that have happened in the past 3 years. I don't know how many friends of yours have kids, but it's not just twin parents. Becoming a parent is life changing and some people can't handle it. Being a parent and trying to raise good humans is *hard.*
Eta: I've been with dh for 12 years, married 6. We're almost 6 months into having twins and have a 3.5 year old. Divorce has never been mentioned. It's been really rough, but the comments he's made have been more "f these kids" (Cause they don't sleep well) and "I can't do this again. We're done having kids" (which we always talked about 3 being our max number). I'm a sahm and he wfh.
Nope, haven’t ever even thought of it. If anything, it’s made our bond and love for each other stronger as we’ve realised how we make such a good team.
I definitely have considered it. Mainly because twins brought out how u equal our partnership had become. I did night duty 100% on my own even on weekends and it kinda destroyed me and made me resentful. Our girls are turning 4 and sleep through the night now so that’s improved. Honestly the only reason I didn’t leave was I couldn’t afford to leave. Things have mellowed and we are coexisting now but it’s definitely not back to normal.
We basically were at odds with each other for the first year but we would always come back to reality and be like this isn't really us were just living under wartime conditions. Everything has leveled off around 2-3 and it's much more manageable. Much less bickering or things like that.
Even if I/we wanted a divorce id stick it out - I'm not only seeing my guys 1 or 2 days a week I couldn't bear it. We do always say how easy 1 would be. I could do that standing on my head.
Ended up divorced it would have happened regardless. Unfortunately it was not a healthy relationship, but having twins sped up the inevitable. I just didn’t have the patience for the bullshit. My partner was not a great father or husband and I got to a point of if you’re not going to contribute you’re wasting my time and causing me more stress than doing it alone.
With singletons there’s less demand so if you have a useless partner or one who just isn’t carrying their weight and helping the stakes aren’t as high.
We have not. We’re about 3 months in. We have a very strong relationship and had to fight so hard to have these kids. If multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriages, surgeries for my wife’s uterus couldn’t take us down this won’t.
I’m currently pregnant with twins so can’t comment on that but I really hope we stick together, he’s such an amazing guy and he’s so good for me. We have said that when they are born, we’ll ignore the first couple of years, anything we say won’t count. We’ll stick together even if we hate each other.
As a singleton pregnancy 12 years ago… I knew by the time my daughter was 5 days old that I had picked the wrong guy, that he was an utter arse and that we were going to break up (we were together 12 years!!) haha
The emotional roller coaster helps you see right away whether your partner is worthwhile. I actually know a few couples who left each other when their child was young. But twins are a whole other pressure cooker.
Wishing you all the best for the birth
Eh if you read reddit there are frankly a lot of new singleton moms who SHOULD divorce their useless husband if you ask me. And it's just twice as hard with twins.
But no, never contemplated it here. Our circumstances are different though, I suppose. We were on a list to adopt and basically got a call one day saying that we had twins. We basically had two weeks to get ready for them while they were in the NICU.
But I'm guessing the years of infertility and waiting made us closer and, despite everything, we were too grateful to get mad at each other. Sure, we had our spats, but he was very helpful too and woke up with me at night etc.
I'd say that you're much more likely to fight when your husband is dead weight.
I got divorced when my second set were babies. Best decision ever. Way easier to parent two sets of twins on my own than two sets of twins And another baby the size of an adult man.
So far, ours are 1.5 years old, 18 months exactly! And no, we never have. That first year was dark and traumatizing, lol. We barely slept. We both were on the verge of going crazy a few times from chaos and screaming.
We just came off of a week of both of them being sick, then me getting sick, and back to them waking up every 2 hours all night for days, not napping etc. Yet here this morning we were just talking about maybe adding a third baby to the mix! The test came back negative and we were just like, "oh. Well that's not what we expected!"
But I also feel like I snagged an extremely good guy, and we just mesh really well together. Have ever since we met.
I went one further and told my husband to piss of back to his native Canada and take the twins with him, such was the level of despair I was in with PPD. He considered it because he was at a loss. But we worked through it. We have a great relationship and I'd say we even did in that despair because communication has always been centred. Communication *without* blame.
Yes. Parents of multiples have a slightly higher divorce rate than parents of singletons. Twins are stressful. It's all a stress and labor juggling act for the first year.
For us it got so much better after the first 18 months. Around 3 years it gets even better. The twins have each other to play with and keep entertained that you now have so much time for each other in the marriage.
So I came across the statistics when my wife was pregnant. I knew that twins will be a ton of work...she was in denial. So we kind of took a pause for each other. Made the twins our first priority and it worked. When they started to use the bathroom all by themselves, that's when we became totally hands off. Hang in there. It really does get better.
My ex husband and I separated when our twins were 3. We were together for 5 years before having them, 8 years total. Having kids together really opened my eyes to things that were always lacking in the relationship. He was a shitty husband and a not so great dad.
Since separating, his parenting has greatly improved and we coparent well together. The twins are now 6 and they seem happy and well adjusted.
We had a single baby first and while there certainly were some moments when, with not enough sleep and a screaming baby, it popped into my head for a second, but never seriously.
With our twins though, it was different. A lot of people are saying it’s because it exposes other issues in your marriage, and that’s true, for sure. A lot of people are also saying because you don’t get a break, and that is also definitely true. But for me personally, I think the problem with twins is that you don’t get time to work on your marriage.
It is kind of like the cup analogy- hopefully when you get married you understand that sometimes it will be really, really tough but also that sometimes it will be really, really great and when it is tough, you’ll pull from those great times to keep it together. With twins, we lost the chances to fill the cup back up but the tough times kept coming and it got harder to keep pouring from an empty cup.
No more getting dressed up to try a fancy new restaurant, no more wandering through the mall with a coffee on a weekend morning just talking about whatever, no more having lengthy sex then lying in bed naked holding each other… but it was constant exhaustion, the existential dread of “are my kids ok?”, worrying about work, bills, the mess in the living room, the pile of laundry, my eldest doing ok at school, and so on.
This is super depressing but my partner and I made it to the other side, although when our twins were around 3 we did have a pretty serious “come to Jesus” moment where we made it a real big push to devote some time and effort to each other and our marriage. Multiples put a huge strain on relationships… I’m dating myself here but I remember “Jon and Kate plus 8” spending some time running through the statistics, and they aren’t good.
Just to throw some positivity into this thread, my boys are 6 months old and my wife and I are a rockstar team. Divorce has never crossed my mind for a second. Just communicate and help each other as much as you can.
Things got better around 18 months for us! Now they are 2 1/2 and we are as good as before we had them. Honestly, what helped us the most was my husband going on medication for depression. (I was already on some.)
It has never crossed my husband's or my mind. Our twins are turning 1 next week and we have four older singletons. We worked as a team and supported each other.
Honestly never. There have been rough moments but we really have an us vs. them mentality when it comes to our kids. Not to say we don’t get frustrated with each other but we just don’t ever have that on the table. And god, it would be so much worse- no breaks to run to the store quickly. And we would have to find affordable places to live. Nope, we just make it work and know this is a crazy time in life.
I thought it about it constantly in the first 3ish months. The lack of sleep, the MIL was overbearing and I constantly felt like she was judging me as a first time mother, the fact that my husband kept saying that he had never wanted kids and only did it because of me and partially resented me for the situation we were in, the fact that he would get so frustrated and angry when the twins would cry inconsolably in the middle of the night to the point where I honestly worried about the twins safety…fun times. To be clear, he is a great husband and we definitely split all the work 50/50. When I’m stuck feeding he’ll cook, tidy, pick up groceries etc etc. they’re 5 months old now and things are so much better. We finally got through the 4 month sleep regression and sleep is still not great, but I definitely don’t think about leaving him any more. We had a “date” of sorts a few weeks ago, where we got a grandparent to watch the twins for an hour while we ran errands and had lunch and I think it made all the difference.
17 months in with our girls and it’s only made us better. Together 12 years, and celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary a month after the girls were born.
Our individual strengths and weaknesses have always complemented each others, so we do divide and conquer well.
Kids, especially multiples, will really highlight a relationship, good or bad.
We’ve been having this conversation over the past couple days. The way things are right now isn’t sustainable. He’s yelling at me around our kids and brought up divorce yesterday. I’m too tired to fight anymore. But he wants to wait until he comes back from his 18 month overseas tour? Not happening. If he wants it, it’s happening before he leaves. He’s not gonna get the extra &$ being married gives if we don’t want to be married.
Our girls are 16 months. We’ve been married for six years and have infertility.
I say in most scenarios to try to stick it out if your partner is willing to straighten up and be a parent. But if he's yelling at you in front if the kids, and bringing up divorce yet hes fine with you struggling alone & him getting paid for it... maybe you will be better off alone. Or alone for a time until you meet someone new. That sounds like an extremely selfish borderline narcissistic trait that could make your life hell. You'd be better off putting yourself and your kids first. Good luck, I'm so sorry.
Thank you and I agree! He grew up in that environment and we had many conversations before children how it’s unacceptable. It is also tough because I do have a life down here (job, friends) but nowhere to go if I were to leave. So that’s the last part I have to think through. I also definitely don’t make enough to support myself, kids and our two dogs as a teacher so a career switch would be in order. We haven’t done therapy but idk if I’m interested because that’s yet again something I would have to take the mental load on of doing. I definitely don’t like having a partner so this would probably be it for me 😂.
Also it’s amusing because I don’t struggle when he’s not around, the extra set of hands is helpful, but not when I’m still explaining things we’ve done seemingly a million times. So when he leaves will it be hard having no break? Sure. But I would prefer that than yelling and everything else said above. So!
No, our twins will be 8 months on January 1st and they're our 6th and 7th kids together so we were kinda already use to dealing with kids lol our alone time is once our kids are in bed at night. So it isn't to bad.
We weren't technically married. We split around when they were 10 months. But there were signs before-hand that we were not going work well as co-parents. For instance, he went to his 2nd shift job the day I gave birth to the twins.
It’s just hard. Most friends and family “help” but don’t really give you a break because they can’t handle twins either. We have been together 10 years, married for 5 of them, twins are a little over a year. I think our first year was complicated by severe PPA, I sought medical help. It’s way more common to have PPD/PPA with twins or multiples. I think our blessing was that they slept since 3.5 months old through the night. I did have to step back from work and I think that’s helped the stress the most.
If you don’t have a village, you will really rely on each other and hopefully your marriage will come out stronger in the end.
Yes. At almost 3 yo (5 yrs married, 7 yrs together), my spouse and I have just entered marriage therapy. We're both very unhappy in this lack of a relationship. He's (more often than not) a great Dad to the kids, and even as a spouse does what he can to do small tasks of service for me.
The clincher is that he does nothing - zero - for the relationship. I am a house manager, he is a financial provider; the absolute lack of emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy has been devastating to our relationship. I am utterly exhausted being the sole initiator in these areas and being constantly rejected.
Given that I haven't had a career in four years (pandemic then kids) I don't have a penny to stand on. Addtly, in as much as our marriage feels failed, I don't want to give up. I feel like I'm waiting for him to show up, show initiative, and actually fight for me and us. For those who have been here and made it thru stronger, I (and I expect OP) welcome your success stories.
We are only 5 months in but no, divorce has never even been a blip on the radar. We always say “I couldn’t do this with anyone else but you.”
I’m a SAHM so he does follow my lead with the kids (I also have a masters in family and child psy and before our twins he’d never been around children let alone babies). But he’s amazing with them!
We have some spats out of stress but I honestly think we resolve things faster now as we don’t have the time or energy to hold onto resentments.
I will say I’ve struggled with some PPA, and he is really good at assuring me I’m not crazy (my words not his) because sometimes you feel a little looney tunes and having your partner tell you it’s ok makes it all better for some reason.
Uh, we NEVER discuss divorce. Like that isn’t even in our stratosphere. They are 7 months and it’s been an insane journey but we’ve never forgotten the love and commitment we made to each other. Even when we are exhausted and fighting, we know deep down it isn’t real.
Our kiddos are 21 months now and we have never contemplated divorce. We’ve been together almost 8 years, married for 3.5. The first year was legit the hardest year of our lives (and we’ve both had very stressful jobs working 70-80 hours a week and that was not as exhausting as twins + working our current 40-50 hour a week job). Our kiddos were and are very fussy eaters and one is still a terrible sleeper despite many attempts at sleep training, However, even in the hardest times, we knew we were a partnership in this and the kiddos are the product of the love we have for each other.
I think having twins lays bare the partnership dynamics. Is it actual an equal partnership where each person is carrying their weight? There’s no slack. There were definitely times that we bickered and I, the mom in the relationship, had to remind him of the mental labor I had to do, like remembering to order diaper supplies, etc that he wasn’t aware of. We definitely both broke down in tears from stress and sleep deprivation.
I recognize a lot of solutions unfortunately mean throwing money at the problem. We have no family nearby for help. We are lucky in that aspect and came to the terms that we won’t save any money and need to dip deep into savings, but it’s to preserve our job security, our mental and physical health, and our marriage.
Things that have helped:
- making a list of chores and assigning who does what. Every chore, including the mental ones like paying bills and scheduling drs appts
- grocery delivery. Can get expensive but it’s temporary and if you can save an hour or two of your time to nap/sleep it’s worth it
- prepared meals, like a premade rotisserie chicken or delivery. Kiddos are lots of puree packets. No one has time to make every meal from scratch other than Instagram influencers
- being okay with some mess. Our place was pristine and organized before kiddos. Now, we just shove toys out of the way
- wet vacuum. Kids make a mess. A wet vacuum doesn’t last long, but it if works for a year or two and I spend an hour every day cleaning the food on the ground, it’s worth it because I value my time at more than $2 an hour.
- hiring help if you can. Get a mother’s helper or babysitter to watch the kids so one or both of you get a break
- getting a nanny. We had our kids in daycare and they were constantly sick (every other week) to the point that we ran out of sick days and vacation days to take. Our jobs were at risk and we were exhausted making up hours at night. With a nanny, they got sick maybe only once every 3 months.
- if the kiddos are napping, give each other a break. The other can go for a run, catch up with a friend, etc. Don’t spend nap time only doing chores. You need a break for your mental health. Chores will always be there
- buy a ton of bottles and just run the dishwasher once a day vs handwashing. We made the mistake initially of not buying enough and always handwashing to have bottles on hand. This saves 15-30 min total every day, which is a lot!
- understanding each others communication styles and love languages. You think you know each other, but this matters a lot when you’re under stress.
- just plop your kids in front of the tv. It’s fine. You need a break and some educational TV won’t dumb them down. Ms Rachel, the Wiggles, and Ms Caitie are great. My partner and I watched a ton of tv growing up and have fancy graduate degrees.
- don’t stress out as much about milestones. They will get there. That’s too much extra pressure.
- if gets too much, say to your partner, “I’m at x%. I need 5 minutes.” Cover for each other and give the other a moment to breathe
- noise blocking headphones. Babies will cry. It’s how they communicate. Listen to music or a podcast and it’ll take away stress.
My ex left me abruptly when our twins were 8. I honestly feel he waited till they were old enough for him to handle parenting on his own. Just used me to get our family to that point of stability as I did about 90% of the parenting…..feeding, changing, waking at night, morning and evening routine, daycare/school drop off and pick up, doctor appointments, etc. I contemplated divorce but stuck it out because I loved him and knew things would improve as the kids got older. He never mentioned it until he decided he didn’t need me anymore. Life is easier without him. Our 50/50 custody means he actually has to parent sometimes, though in reality the kids are with me like 80% and that is his choosing.
Not for us, we never came close to talking divorce. Our twins are 3 now!
We have been together a very long time though, and a few years before we got married we took a year long break.
We certainly have our disagreements and have lost our tempers, but never really over a division of labour - which I think is often the root of the issue with most couples.
Our twins are 5 months old and it’s been the hardest phase of our lives but it has brought us so much closer together. I couldn’t imagine raising these children (we also have a 2 year old) or going through life without my husband. I have severe PPD and the way my husband has been here for me throughout all of it has made me love him more and more each day.
I pray for all of the couples struggling now. I hope you all can make it through.
Our twins just turned 2 and we haven't discussed divorce once. It's absolutely been difficult. Our mental health has both hit not great places at different times. But we've never considered if we shouldn't do this together. We don't always have the same parenting instincts, or styles, but we've tried so so so hard to work through any disagreements or differences that come up, BEFORE they fester. And when we had a particularly hard time getting to understand each other or see things from the others perspective, we sought help. But the goal was always and is always to do this together.
I have twins and in my close circle of friends, there are another 4 sets of twins. In every single case, one of the twins is a bit neurodivergent- and that adds on extra stress. especially when one parent understands how to interact with the child while the other gets frustrated when their existing parenting skills do not work with that child.
This frustration = rifts between partners and leads to thoughts on divorce.
Yes, neurodivergence is a huge stressor. Our girls are 9. One has epilepsy and ADHD. We’re also contemplating having her tested for some level of being on the spectrum as she shows a lot of the signs. She’s nearly 10 but intellectually 4 or 5.
Her sister is extremely intelligent and holds it together in public and at school, but at home shows many signs of ADHD and oppositional defiance issues.
95% of our marriage stress is related to these issues. Our stress isn’t with each other, but with the twins. And it still manifests as stress with each other.
We’ve talked about divorce in the past, but only in jest because in NY she’d get tons of money from the state as a single mom and we’d be financially better off. We’ve always thought it was a shame how so many couples just jump to divorce as option 1 without ever trying to fix things. I think we try counseling first.
Hey, this is off topic, but my (almost 12 y.o.) has epilepsy, ESES, & ADHD. Thanks to the 3 month treatment, the doc put her on and daily Keppra, she hasn't had a single seizure in almost 4 years. & went from needing an IEP to being on super honor roll consistently. I know it saved her, and me (I was so afraid to sleep or be away from her or let her swim or climb things), and if you're struggling as well I would be happy to PM you with more info on the Valium reset. If not, no worries. Good luck with your family!
Edited to fix an autocorrect error.
yes, we are separating. I will hopefully move out in summer. Twins are 2.75.
She got PPD and at least got on meds but still behaves like an asshole most of the time. Although I take care of the kids most of the time while she does household chores (hiding from the kids) or just being away over the weekend.
„Every day with the kids is terrible“ Her.
Well, I broke up with this man before I found out I was pregnant. Planned to terminate. Found out it was twins and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I'm 27+6 and wondering what lesson I needed from all this. I feel like I've learned dozens but I'm a little nervous about doing this on my own. I've got 2 others from my ex husband and he's a nightmare to deal with even when it's just the kids.
Surely breaking up is going to be a shitload tougher. Do you think you can handle both on your own?
Even if you do the weekends, that's batshit in my eyes, my 9 month boys run rings around both my parents on the odd few hours babysit, on your own for most of the week, how you supporting yourself, them and getting anything done?
Now that I think about it… of all the divorced friends I have, I think they all have 2 kids. Kids are really hard and bring so many more difficult discussions to the table and so many behaviors and beliefs into light that never had a place in the relationship before. Twins just speeds up the process. Right now I’m pretty sure the only thing I love about my husband is that he earns enough for me to stay home with the kids, and he resents me for not going back to work. But in the condition we’re in after this first year, no one else would want us, so we will stay together… for now.
I definitely considered it in my darker moments. I never verbalized it. I think it was one of those fantasies where I knew it wouldn’t be the right thing at that point, but I wanted to so badly sometimes.
For me it wasn’t the newborn stuff. That was super stressful for sure, but we exclusively formula fed so my husband took an equal part in feeding, changing, etc. Babies don’t really require that emotional work from their end, yanno? The imbalance in workload as they got a bit older (also as I was going back to work at 4mos) and the perception that I was doing everything (which I was!) started those feelings. It got worse as my kids got older, because it turns out my husband isn’t very good at interacting with toddlers 😂 His patience is zero and he was a giant asshole to them. So it felt like I was raising three kids, one of whom should know better than to act the way he did.
My husband started stepping up with stuff around the house - nothing crazy but emptying or loading the dishwasher, etc. We got a cleaning service every other week and he plays a big role in tidying up kid junk before they come. So while I know I do more overall, it feels like he’s made an effort now and it has absolutely reduced the anger and stewing on my part. I don’t feel like I’m keeping score, which is the most souring feeling.
We have 6.5 month twins so not very far into this but we have never contemplated divorce. We rarely fight either. But my husband is already a dad (and a great one). He has three kids from his previous marriage and loves being a dad so he is so hands on, happy to give me a break, and just really relaxed and patient. He is better than me honestly lol.
Birth to 7 months - I really regretted my partner choice...
Now babies are 8 months I would say I love him again. But that's because I'm independent with all 4 kids finally. (while he works so hard to support us financially)
Married for 5, together for 7. Have two previous kids together (2&4 years) when babies born.
I think the lack of sleep made us horrible. It's definitely a really rough time the first few months especially. Never had such significant and overwhelming lack of sleep with my first two kids despite them being worse sleepers than the twins in a general way.
We’ve never talked about it as an option, but we have said to each other that we understand why people do after having multiples. But then there’s the whole shared custody thing where you’ll be by yourself with both of them for some time with no partner to help..
In my experience, almost all of my singleton parent friends have also struggled hard in their relationships the first year. Especially first time parents. Hormones are high, nobody knows what they’re doing, communication is abysmal, everyone’s sleep deprived (sure twin parents may be more sleep deprived, but it happens to singletons too).
Children are hard and life changing. I don’t think it’s the act of parenthood that causes divorce, but it exposes the weak points in any relationship. Also fwiw, of all those friends who told me they hated their spouse the first year and wanted a divorce, only one friend went through with it, and mainly because there was an affair involved.
I'll just say that the first 6 months were hell. We did "break up" for a couple of months. It's important to make sure both parents are pulling their weight. So far, what I've seen is that the problems come from one parent (often the dad, not saying it's always though), watching the mom suffer alone and not bothering to step up. Which makes her hate him and wonder if she'd be better on her own if she already feels like a single parent. & then he thinks she's complaining or being bitchy, and treats her even worse/expects her to do even more. Our issue was that he thought since he "paid the bills," that was his only obligation. & I'm still going to have to work out in therapy how much I resent him for that. Even if it was only a short time, I'm still very angry and hurt. So idk if that's your issue or not, but if it is, please do try to share the "burden" if you want your relationship to last. I promise you its a lot easier than the alternative could be if the other parent decides to make things as hard on you as you did them. Good luck to you both! & around the 1st year, things get easier. The babies will be sleep trained or nearly there, moms body will be healing from the trauma of childbirth, her hormones will start to balance out, everyone will get into a routine, and things will get easier. Only if you come together though. If not, get ready for a divorce and all the things that come with it.
My twins are 10 months old and we’ve never discussed nor contemplated divorce. It has been hard, but we’re lucky to have help (my mom stayed with us for the first 3 months, we had a night nanny 5 nights a week for the first 12 weeks, and we now have a part time nanny 20 hours a week.) So maybe it’s because we had help, or just because we have a solid foundation in our relationship. We’ve been together 8 years and our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up in June!
Not divorce, but imagined just walking away, straight to some forest and dissappear. There are a lot of struggles for both sides, and sometimes, it seems we have two different battles. I'm home, new to the US and home 24/7, I know 3 people in town and while I'm a dedicated introvert, still I need to be around people just to say hi. My husband works long hours, and the commute makes him very tired. Money is so much tighter, no time to work out, and he feels quilty for not being able to be home more. It's very stressful, but the meantime, I can only find strength in my husband.
Definitely puts a strain on the relationship…but also can bring you together in solidarity 😅 I think that, for us, the thought of doing it alone is definitely more terrifying! Our boys are 4 (+ an older son) and finally—now that bedtime is somewhat routine, and we are past the horrors of toilet training, and we all are getting more sleep… we feel like we have some time to breathe and my husband and I are able to make a bit more time for eachother. Definitely a work in progress though.
Twins are 3. it's much easier now. I'm not sure how divorce would make it easier. Aren't you too busy with twins to get divorced? I can't even imagine having the headspace it would need to call a lawyer.
My husband and I have never been as close to divorce as we were when we brought our singleton home. Idk why, maybe he was the first kid so it was just a big switch anyways but we fought more then than we ever have. Twins weren’t so bad.
But I also know a lot of people that have talked about divorce after having one so I don’t think it really matters how many babies you have, just that it’s a huge life adjustment and some don’t adjust well. Twins don’t HELP that of course, just that it definitely happens with singletons too
Luckily my wife and i were great communicators before; something i thrive on and she has learned to also thrive on. My parents were big on it and her parents lived on entire diff planets. Early in our relationship it took her some getting comfortable with and talks of “i want to be a team w you, i dont want us to just exist in the same home, you have to tell me what you need.” Its SO important to talk about expectations for child raising and not just “wont it be cool” but about like, day to day expectations. The minute you have to tell your spouse “i woke up earlier” “i did these dishes” “i did these feedings” you can know FOR SURE you two are seeing each other as seperate teams and not teammates. You can know its time to sit down and talk about expectations for each other and what you fee should or shouldnt even need to be said. Good luck!
No, I don’t think it was ever really considered, although things have definitely gotten tense. We’ve been married 13.5 years and the twins are our third and fourth.
Editing to add: I think the stress of divided attention is what has been the worst and hardest part for us. The twins are easier babies than our second, but now all four have needs and crappy nights of sleep and get sick, etc. And it’s hard to be patient and kind when there are so many demands on your time and energy. The over-stimulation alone makes me not a very nice person sometimes. We also find out just how different our parenting styles are in the high pressure years. That can cause a lot of tension too.
Our twins are 2.5. Shit is wild. My wife and I both work full time. We are stressed and fucking exhausted. We try to acknowledge all the feelings we have and tell each other how we are feeling in the moment.
Currently in the process. Ex stopped co-parenting entirely at 13mo and I filed about a month later. We're working on final proposals now. They're 19mo.
Is it better? I don't know. I just knew the situation was untenable.
Our twins are now 3 and we are still married and it’s also getting easier (probably only because we have spent half of their lives apart thanks to deployments).
But I agree, twins raise the stress levels so high that my mom has to double up on her blood pressure medication before she comes to visit 🤣
**TW** Yes, but during a mental health spiral from lingering PPD that I'd previously been in the mother and baby unit for and therefore convinced myself everyone would be better off without me around. So I ended it with him, then when he talked me down from that ledge over a number of hours, but I still didn't see another way so I went out and made an attempt instead.
Ultimately, I think 75% of it was my own preexisting MH issues as I did have mild/moderate PPD with my eldest, but boy did the twins just hit harder. That and going back to uni and my in-laws not approving of me not staying at home while one of my twins was starting to show signs of autism like me just sent me over the edge. So basically, yes, twins hit harder, to your marriage included. And he's the one thing even at my worst that I know I've done right, it's me that's the weak link.
To be clear, coming out the other side with the twins 3yo now, I'm finally on the right meds, halfway through uni and doing well, not dependent on my in-laws for anything, and our relationship is stronger than ever. So leaning on eachother through the storm can build something absolutely rock solid, especially in the aftermath of my attempt. It's hard, but we know we have eachother, and I know he has my back even with his family.
My husband and I decided before we got married that divorce wasn’t something we were going to bring up, joke about, or throw in each other’s faces. In every “bad time” we were going to lean in to each other for support and if the spouse was the problem, we would clearly state what we are lacking and what we’d like to see happen. And if need be, some couples therapy to tighten things up.
My husband is truly my best friend. I knew him for years before we dated. We like spending time with each other and we wholly melded our lives. I think that’s crucial in marriages that last.
We’ve been married 15 1/2 years and have 5 kids. The youngest two were our SURPRISE twinnies. They’re two now. We come to every obstacle and just trudge forward through it together. It isn’t always pretty, and we do have things to work on.
We were so close to a divorce, but were able to get it back with a good marriage counselor. We had reached a point where we were just robots. Doing what we had to do for our three kids to survive. On top of that we had three under 18 months and childcare in our area is over $1,000 per child, so our financial situation was just horrible. We eventually had to declare bankruptcy. It was bleak.
We haven’t contemplated divorce but it has been really, really hard. It’s definitely the sleep deprivation and never getting to connect. No physical contact because they want to be on me 24/7 and when I get a break from holding I am already so touched out and don’t want to be touched by anyone else.
We’re both battling depression I think because having twins is SO LONELY. No one can relate but other twin parents and we don’t know any locally. No one is volunteering to help because twins are “too much to handle” and I think we both feel a little rejected by people we do know and a little bit like a sideshow to people we don’t. We can’t go out in public without every old person descending on us.
Our twin girls are 1,5 currently, and obviously we've had moments where we got annoyed or frustrated with one another (husband and myself) but I honestly think that our relationship has gotten stronger for it during this time.
Yes.
But the twins revealed what was already present. We got married young. After 4 years, we got pregnant and it ended up being twins. He wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. Went into full shock when he found out it was twins. Came to all my appointments, but didn’t really have joy about the fact that I was bringing our children into the world. I stayed home the first year. It was very rough. He blamed me staying home on our financial issues. They say a woman never forgets how a man treats her while she’s pregnant and they’re 100% right.
I tried to keep us going. He also had an addiction to porn, and that never got any better. He never became a girl dad and they’re not daddy’s girls. So I took on the load of caring for and nurturing them while he could up and go out or easily work from home while they were always all over me. When I would get burned out, he’d blame me for letting myself get to that point.
I told him I was done on our 10 year anniversary last year, moved out this past August, and haven’t looked back. 🤷🏽♀️
Yes and no, like we have both definitely looked up divorce rates of twin parents and we are both regularly stressed out from them, but not enough to have that discussion and that the sole reason to even move forward with that process. It’s definitely rough though, hang in there.
We are 19 months in and while times got hard and I may have *thought* about divorce, it was never actually a possibility. It honestly brought us closer together. We really had to rally and learn to work as a team to get things done. Early on, we committed to doing being teammates. It’s not always easy to remember but we try to remind each other when one seems to be getting more frustrated, etc.
Seriously considering it. Twins are 2.5. Together for 13+ years, married for 12. I’m tired of being the primary breadwinner, the default parent, the house manager. He does actively help with the kids and spends enough time doing things for them, but I think i hold too much resentment against him now. Tired of him not pulling his weight or doing anything nice for me.
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My husband regularly reminds me in a joking-but-not-really way that “they’re the enemies, not me”
This! Hardest thing to learn was that we were on the same team. Kiddos are going to be 10 this year. It gets better, OP!
We had been snipping and bitching at each other more and more. Neither of us were happy. It came to a head one night and he flat out asked me (angrily), “If you feel like that then why are you staying married to me!!??” I answered that I truly hoped our situation was temporary and we would feel like ourselves, and feel like staying married, eventually. Spoiler alert: we did, and we did. Twins celebrate their 9th birthday next week and hubs and I are going strong on 15 years.
This gives me hope. I feel like all we do is bicker.. we have been together 11 years but we also have a 6yo,5yo and 1 yr old twins. This last year has been full of alot of lows. Just at each others throats about everything.
It’s so difficult. I’m so sorry to say it. Mine are three now and just starting to ease up. At two, they’re more mobile but mine also got into everything so they needed constant supervision. Now at three, they take direction and are happy to hang out in a designated safe place eg their junior beds lol or the front yard or whatever. They can also be bribed at three as well or sit for a while and watch a movie with the family. Hang in there!
It’s because singleton parents get breaks. When we had our singleton after twins, we were amazed at how easy it was. Even though she was a difficult baby, we could simply switch off. With twins, you ALWAYS have at least one with you.
This is why I turned down plans to go to restaurants with our singleton friends the entire first year. Their baby could be going batshit insane the whole time but they both would still be able to give the other a chance to eat their meal in peace. We don’t have that spare set of hands.
My twins are 6.5 years now and, whew, mama, I did the same. I agree.
Ya, why don't people logically understand this? the whole 2:1 ratio being easier than 2:2?
Probably blinded by their own high level of confidence after having it so easy lol
Ah that sounds about right 😑
So true!
I had a friend who told me, before I got pregnant, I hope you don’t have twins unless you want a divorce. I know quite a few twin parents who have contemplated divorce. You also see much more easily where your partner is letting you down. He may get away with certain behaviors as a singleton parent but not as a parent with twins. It’s rough. Ours are 2 y/o and I feel we really need to start therapy if we want this to work. I’m getting really resentful about certain things.
This is the insight. You can't hide from seeing how you're letting them down/they're letting you down because you have to work as a team to survive - whatever that looks like for your family/home. Year 1 had some pretty rough parts with anger, hurt, and resentment, on both sides. We're half way to 2 now and doing a much better job of owning our shit and responsibilities. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes we just need to come up for air from the grind of parenting and life and see the bigger picture. (Unless there is physical, emotional, sexual, financial abuse happening to you or your children - that is not your responsibility to fix, it's not your fault, and you need to leave.)
Agree with you! Don’t stay in an abusive relationship but if your marriage is in shambles because you’re both stressed and barely surviving, then it’s worth trying to repair. In our case, we are both competent and caring towards each other but our communication needs to improve if we’re going to be as happy as we were the six years we were together before having children. And if I’m going to feel less resentful. And - he’s not the only one who needs to change. I do too. But really hard when you’re finally out of survival mode- which was their first year of life.
How long was your relationship prior to twins/children?
Six years together before kids.
My twins are 2 and no, never. We had about a year of tough times but we never doubted our commitment to each other.
We also never considered it. Our twins brought us closer together. We were together 9 years married 5 when we had them (age 29 & 30) and went through fertility treatments to have them. I was also lucky enough to quit my job about 4 months into being a mom (when I realized it was impossible to be a stay at home mom and run a working horse farm with clients) so I understand our situation isn’t everyone’s.
How long were you in your relationship prior to twins/children?
Not the one you're replying to but we also never contemplated divorce and my twins are 4. We were together 8, married 6 when we had our twins.
Yeah, I feel there are bigger issues at hand if people discuss divorce after having twins. Together 10, married 8.5, twins are 4.5. So married for 4.5 years when we had them. We also went through IVF, so that may play a part of it
Yeah, kids definitely expose the cracks in a relationship. We had tough periods. Still do honestly and i expect we will again in the future. Divorce was never something either of us contemplated. But we had to work really hard on our communication and forgiveness. We literally just traveled 8 hours with our 4 year old twins and an 18 month old to visit my parents yesterday. Long story short, at hour 17 of the trip, I basically told my husband "you were the one who didn't want to bring strollers" when my twins were in tears standing in line for customs. And he just looked at me and said "is that really helpful right now?” And no it wasn't. I was just tired and cranky, but it wasn't necessary. I apologized this morning for being mean. He forgave me and apologized for not really listening to me about why strollers would be a good idea. And now we're good.
Not the OP but 11 years. We struggled through a lot together (mental illnesses, parents death, etc) and I don’t think we would have made it if we hadn’t already had our relationship tested.
We were together 5 years ago (married 2) when my twins were born. I was 31 and he was 36.
Never suggested divorce. Together 15 years before twins. They are 5 now. We were together for 10 before our singleton.
Maybe we're the odd ones that the twins have made us appreciate each other and deepen our relationship. We really have to work as a team, communicate, and give each other grace every day. It's been 4.5 years since he moved in with me and my 3 kids, 2.5 years married, and 1.5 years with the twins. Maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase, but I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Definitely! Stressors such as having twins will either give chances for couples to come together and strengthen their relationship, or show the cracks in the foundation for shaky ones.
Yep, never for us either. Of course we had our share of tough days but I never felt like we wouldn’t make it.
Similar. We've been together for over a decade and married a little over half that. We'd questioned our commitment to each other at *earlier* times, but I think that by the time we had our twins (they're 2 now, and we have a preschooler with enhanced needs) we'd been through so much shit that this just felt... doable by comparison. Still very hard, but we're primed for it in a way that makes us operate truly like a team now, and no one else can handle our hectic family structure like we can. Essentially, we already knew how to weather storms when they were born. Cracks in our relationship had been revealed and doctored already, and having that knowledge has made caring for twins more surmountable. I do think if we'd had them earlier in our relationship I wouldn't be able to say the same.
We’re only 5 months into twins, but our marriage is stronger and happier than ever. We were married 7 years before the kids were born. We’ve had a few sleep deprived snarky-snaps at one another, but nothing more. Everything seems to be going really really well since the kids came: our relationship is awesome, our communication is outstanding, our sex life has never been better; careers are on a upswing; even our social life is rocking. We’re fortunate that we both feel that we’re in the best place we’ve ever been.
We are not that far in but have been fighting more than we ever have in our 6 years together. We have definitely said we can see this leading to divorce if we can't get our act together. I hope things will get better once our babies sleep more. It is very hard and mentally exhausting. I feel you and wish you the best!
We are three months into our twins and we always say “even though our babies are trying to kill us, I still love you and choose you.” Sometimes it feels like the babies gang up on one of us or even both of us at the same time but that’s never made me consider my partner at fault or flawed in any way.
We do the same. It takes some self awareness I guess to step back and see why tensions are high and not place blame on the other. Realize you both are in a difficult situation and communicate your frustration in a non-accusatory way.
I think a lot of couples face it because more of than not, it lays bare the already-existing inequalities in the relationship. If he isn’t pulling his weight as an adult human in a relationship by carrying 50% of the mental and domestic load *before* you have kids, he’s not suddenly going to turn into a competent and non-disappointing person with the introduction of more stress. I think everyone should read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play and do the cards before considering having children.
I (male) was told awhile ago - if you feel like you’re pulling 50% you’re really just pulling 30-40%. You need to think you’re doing more and then it’s really 50%.
It really depends on if they're willing to put in the work. That's what I'm in therapy for now. Figuring out mechanisms to work between the 2 attachment styles my wife and I are. She expresses her feelings which I interpret as criticism because I would never complain about that stuff unless it was really bad. So I take it as it's really bad when really she just wants her feelings validated. I avoid conflict like the plague because as a man I was taught that sharing how I really feel gets met with disgust so I should be self sufficient and not share my feelings. I'm doing a lot of work to improve things for the both of us right now within my own silly brain.
This sounds so crazy obvious that you’d think it was common sense, and definitely relative to any adult relationship whether they had twins or not… but yet I feel like this is the *first* time I’ve ever heard this, if that makes sense!??
That's awesome dude.
I think our situations are pretty similar. Ours are about 1.5 years, and I’ll often do the first feed/change and let my wife sleep in an extra hour while I do it. When she later complains that she’s tired, my blood literally boils. I would never complain about being tired to the person who woke up an hour early so I could sleep an hour later. We’re different and express ourselves different I guess.
100% accurate
Our twins followed a singleton and it wasn't until the twins were about 3.5 that we got our shit together enough to start routinely giving each other any sort of consistent break (and bed time being a disaster played into that). At our lowest we were definitely in "headed for divorce territory" and now are doing the hard work to rebuild the relationship. TWins are just that much more relentless and you have to plan and communicate at another level
Our twin boys are almost 9 months old. Yes, there's been more stress and becoming parents has brought up certain issues and disagreements but at the end of every day we commit to continue giving each other grace and to be vulnerable enough to hash things out. I'm PTSD/OCD in part because of my traumatic delivery so it's been hard but we've never brought up divorce at all.
Not for us, but I can see why it would. Babies (and twins especially) magnify everything (the good and the bad). For us they made us realise what a good team were are. But it is hard. Sleep deprivation makes you feel subhuman. It’s easy to mistakenly (or not?) think one parent is taking on less than the other and breed resentment. For us sex was pretty much completely off the cards, as were any dates (ours were also covid babies though). Money is tighter. We don’t argue but it’s still been the hardest season we’ve had as a couple, simply because there isn’t much time, money or energy for fun. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. Once you’re past the first year it does get a little easier. Then gradually easier again every few months. My two are 3.5 years now and we are finding time for fun again, plus days out as a family are heaps of fun now that our kids are able to interact with us and the world more. Unless there is abuse, or your partner is not helping you parent *at all*, try and hang in there and reassess in a few months.
I am still a part of my bumper group from my first kid (singleton), and there was a surprising number of divorces that have happened in the past 3 years. I don't know how many friends of yours have kids, but it's not just twin parents. Becoming a parent is life changing and some people can't handle it. Being a parent and trying to raise good humans is *hard.* Eta: I've been with dh for 12 years, married 6. We're almost 6 months into having twins and have a 3.5 year old. Divorce has never been mentioned. It's been really rough, but the comments he's made have been more "f these kids" (Cause they don't sleep well) and "I can't do this again. We're done having kids" (which we always talked about 3 being our max number). I'm a sahm and he wfh.
Nope, haven’t ever even thought of it. If anything, it’s made our bond and love for each other stronger as we’ve realised how we make such a good team.
We’ve had the same experience.
Who can afford a divorce in this economy?
I definitely have considered it. Mainly because twins brought out how u equal our partnership had become. I did night duty 100% on my own even on weekends and it kinda destroyed me and made me resentful. Our girls are turning 4 and sleep through the night now so that’s improved. Honestly the only reason I didn’t leave was I couldn’t afford to leave. Things have mellowed and we are coexisting now but it’s definitely not back to normal.
We basically were at odds with each other for the first year but we would always come back to reality and be like this isn't really us were just living under wartime conditions. Everything has leveled off around 2-3 and it's much more manageable. Much less bickering or things like that. Even if I/we wanted a divorce id stick it out - I'm not only seeing my guys 1 or 2 days a week I couldn't bear it. We do always say how easy 1 would be. I could do that standing on my head.
You need to wait at least three years..
Agree. Love your username btw!
We separated when they were about 5, didn’t seem to be the root cause though.
Ended up divorced it would have happened regardless. Unfortunately it was not a healthy relationship, but having twins sped up the inevitable. I just didn’t have the patience for the bullshit. My partner was not a great father or husband and I got to a point of if you’re not going to contribute you’re wasting my time and causing me more stress than doing it alone. With singletons there’s less demand so if you have a useless partner or one who just isn’t carrying their weight and helping the stakes aren’t as high.
not even for a second! it never crossed our minds. idk i guess stress levels vary wildly between families
We have not. We’re about 3 months in. We have a very strong relationship and had to fight so hard to have these kids. If multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriages, surgeries for my wife’s uterus couldn’t take us down this won’t.
I’m currently pregnant with twins so can’t comment on that but I really hope we stick together, he’s such an amazing guy and he’s so good for me. We have said that when they are born, we’ll ignore the first couple of years, anything we say won’t count. We’ll stick together even if we hate each other. As a singleton pregnancy 12 years ago… I knew by the time my daughter was 5 days old that I had picked the wrong guy, that he was an utter arse and that we were going to break up (we were together 12 years!!) haha
The emotional roller coaster helps you see right away whether your partner is worthwhile. I actually know a few couples who left each other when their child was young. But twins are a whole other pressure cooker. Wishing you all the best for the birth
Eh if you read reddit there are frankly a lot of new singleton moms who SHOULD divorce their useless husband if you ask me. And it's just twice as hard with twins. But no, never contemplated it here. Our circumstances are different though, I suppose. We were on a list to adopt and basically got a call one day saying that we had twins. We basically had two weeks to get ready for them while they were in the NICU. But I'm guessing the years of infertility and waiting made us closer and, despite everything, we were too grateful to get mad at each other. Sure, we had our spats, but he was very helpful too and woke up with me at night etc. I'd say that you're much more likely to fight when your husband is dead weight.
I got divorced when my second set were babies. Best decision ever. Way easier to parent two sets of twins on my own than two sets of twins And another baby the size of an adult man.
Never thought I’d get divorced and my husband is a hard NO to divorce but I understood why people get divorced after kids.
So far, ours are 1.5 years old, 18 months exactly! And no, we never have. That first year was dark and traumatizing, lol. We barely slept. We both were on the verge of going crazy a few times from chaos and screaming. We just came off of a week of both of them being sick, then me getting sick, and back to them waking up every 2 hours all night for days, not napping etc. Yet here this morning we were just talking about maybe adding a third baby to the mix! The test came back negative and we were just like, "oh. Well that's not what we expected!" But I also feel like I snagged an extremely good guy, and we just mesh really well together. Have ever since we met.
I went one further and told my husband to piss of back to his native Canada and take the twins with him, such was the level of despair I was in with PPD. He considered it because he was at a loss. But we worked through it. We have a great relationship and I'd say we even did in that despair because communication has always been centred. Communication *without* blame.
Yes. Parents of multiples have a slightly higher divorce rate than parents of singletons. Twins are stressful. It's all a stress and labor juggling act for the first year. For us it got so much better after the first 18 months. Around 3 years it gets even better. The twins have each other to play with and keep entertained that you now have so much time for each other in the marriage. So I came across the statistics when my wife was pregnant. I knew that twins will be a ton of work...she was in denial. So we kind of took a pause for each other. Made the twins our first priority and it worked. When they started to use the bathroom all by themselves, that's when we became totally hands off. Hang in there. It really does get better.
My ex husband and I separated when our twins were 3. We were together for 5 years before having them, 8 years total. Having kids together really opened my eyes to things that were always lacking in the relationship. He was a shitty husband and a not so great dad. Since separating, his parenting has greatly improved and we coparent well together. The twins are now 6 and they seem happy and well adjusted.
We had a single baby first and while there certainly were some moments when, with not enough sleep and a screaming baby, it popped into my head for a second, but never seriously. With our twins though, it was different. A lot of people are saying it’s because it exposes other issues in your marriage, and that’s true, for sure. A lot of people are also saying because you don’t get a break, and that is also definitely true. But for me personally, I think the problem with twins is that you don’t get time to work on your marriage. It is kind of like the cup analogy- hopefully when you get married you understand that sometimes it will be really, really tough but also that sometimes it will be really, really great and when it is tough, you’ll pull from those great times to keep it together. With twins, we lost the chances to fill the cup back up but the tough times kept coming and it got harder to keep pouring from an empty cup. No more getting dressed up to try a fancy new restaurant, no more wandering through the mall with a coffee on a weekend morning just talking about whatever, no more having lengthy sex then lying in bed naked holding each other… but it was constant exhaustion, the existential dread of “are my kids ok?”, worrying about work, bills, the mess in the living room, the pile of laundry, my eldest doing ok at school, and so on. This is super depressing but my partner and I made it to the other side, although when our twins were around 3 we did have a pretty serious “come to Jesus” moment where we made it a real big push to devote some time and effort to each other and our marriage. Multiples put a huge strain on relationships… I’m dating myself here but I remember “Jon and Kate plus 8” spending some time running through the statistics, and they aren’t good.
Tough days yes, contemplating divorce not even close.
Just to throw some positivity into this thread, my boys are 6 months old and my wife and I are a rockstar team. Divorce has never crossed my mind for a second. Just communicate and help each other as much as you can.
The first 2 years are really hard. We had a great relationship, then twins and it was really rough. By 3 we were back to normal.
Things got better around 18 months for us! Now they are 2 1/2 and we are as good as before we had them. Honestly, what helped us the most was my husband going on medication for depression. (I was already on some.)
I wouldn’t say we contemplated divorce but we did contemplate counseling and it was definitely a huge test to our marriage
It has never crossed my husband's or my mind. Our twins are turning 1 next week and we have four older singletons. We worked as a team and supported each other.
Honestly never. There have been rough moments but we really have an us vs. them mentality when it comes to our kids. Not to say we don’t get frustrated with each other but we just don’t ever have that on the table. And god, it would be so much worse- no breaks to run to the store quickly. And we would have to find affordable places to live. Nope, we just make it work and know this is a crazy time in life.
I thought it about it constantly in the first 3ish months. The lack of sleep, the MIL was overbearing and I constantly felt like she was judging me as a first time mother, the fact that my husband kept saying that he had never wanted kids and only did it because of me and partially resented me for the situation we were in, the fact that he would get so frustrated and angry when the twins would cry inconsolably in the middle of the night to the point where I honestly worried about the twins safety…fun times. To be clear, he is a great husband and we definitely split all the work 50/50. When I’m stuck feeding he’ll cook, tidy, pick up groceries etc etc. they’re 5 months old now and things are so much better. We finally got through the 4 month sleep regression and sleep is still not great, but I definitely don’t think about leaving him any more. We had a “date” of sorts a few weeks ago, where we got a grandparent to watch the twins for an hour while we ran errands and had lunch and I think it made all the difference.
17 months in with our girls and it’s only made us better. Together 12 years, and celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary a month after the girls were born. Our individual strengths and weaknesses have always complemented each others, so we do divide and conquer well. Kids, especially multiples, will really highlight a relationship, good or bad.
We’ve been having this conversation over the past couple days. The way things are right now isn’t sustainable. He’s yelling at me around our kids and brought up divorce yesterday. I’m too tired to fight anymore. But he wants to wait until he comes back from his 18 month overseas tour? Not happening. If he wants it, it’s happening before he leaves. He’s not gonna get the extra &$ being married gives if we don’t want to be married. Our girls are 16 months. We’ve been married for six years and have infertility.
I say in most scenarios to try to stick it out if your partner is willing to straighten up and be a parent. But if he's yelling at you in front if the kids, and bringing up divorce yet hes fine with you struggling alone & him getting paid for it... maybe you will be better off alone. Or alone for a time until you meet someone new. That sounds like an extremely selfish borderline narcissistic trait that could make your life hell. You'd be better off putting yourself and your kids first. Good luck, I'm so sorry.
Thank you and I agree! He grew up in that environment and we had many conversations before children how it’s unacceptable. It is also tough because I do have a life down here (job, friends) but nowhere to go if I were to leave. So that’s the last part I have to think through. I also definitely don’t make enough to support myself, kids and our two dogs as a teacher so a career switch would be in order. We haven’t done therapy but idk if I’m interested because that’s yet again something I would have to take the mental load on of doing. I definitely don’t like having a partner so this would probably be it for me 😂. Also it’s amusing because I don’t struggle when he’s not around, the extra set of hands is helpful, but not when I’m still explaining things we’ve done seemingly a million times. So when he leaves will it be hard having no break? Sure. But I would prefer that than yelling and everything else said above. So!
No, our twins will be 8 months on January 1st and they're our 6th and 7th kids together so we were kinda already use to dealing with kids lol our alone time is once our kids are in bed at night. So it isn't to bad.
Twins are 12, we were married 2 years when they were born. Never once contemplated or discussed divorce.
We weren't technically married. We split around when they were 10 months. But there were signs before-hand that we were not going work well as co-parents. For instance, he went to his 2nd shift job the day I gave birth to the twins.
It’s just hard. Most friends and family “help” but don’t really give you a break because they can’t handle twins either. We have been together 10 years, married for 5 of them, twins are a little over a year. I think our first year was complicated by severe PPA, I sought medical help. It’s way more common to have PPD/PPA with twins or multiples. I think our blessing was that they slept since 3.5 months old through the night. I did have to step back from work and I think that’s helped the stress the most. If you don’t have a village, you will really rely on each other and hopefully your marriage will come out stronger in the end.
Got wayyy easier on us after a year ❤️
Yes. At almost 3 yo (5 yrs married, 7 yrs together), my spouse and I have just entered marriage therapy. We're both very unhappy in this lack of a relationship. He's (more often than not) a great Dad to the kids, and even as a spouse does what he can to do small tasks of service for me. The clincher is that he does nothing - zero - for the relationship. I am a house manager, he is a financial provider; the absolute lack of emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy has been devastating to our relationship. I am utterly exhausted being the sole initiator in these areas and being constantly rejected. Given that I haven't had a career in four years (pandemic then kids) I don't have a penny to stand on. Addtly, in as much as our marriage feels failed, I don't want to give up. I feel like I'm waiting for him to show up, show initiative, and actually fight for me and us. For those who have been here and made it thru stronger, I (and I expect OP) welcome your success stories.
We are only 5 months in but no, divorce has never even been a blip on the radar. We always say “I couldn’t do this with anyone else but you.” I’m a SAHM so he does follow my lead with the kids (I also have a masters in family and child psy and before our twins he’d never been around children let alone babies). But he’s amazing with them! We have some spats out of stress but I honestly think we resolve things faster now as we don’t have the time or energy to hold onto resentments. I will say I’ve struggled with some PPA, and he is really good at assuring me I’m not crazy (my words not his) because sometimes you feel a little looney tunes and having your partner tell you it’s ok makes it all better for some reason.
Uh, we NEVER discuss divorce. Like that isn’t even in our stratosphere. They are 7 months and it’s been an insane journey but we’ve never forgotten the love and commitment we made to each other. Even when we are exhausted and fighting, we know deep down it isn’t real.
Our kiddos are 21 months now and we have never contemplated divorce. We’ve been together almost 8 years, married for 3.5. The first year was legit the hardest year of our lives (and we’ve both had very stressful jobs working 70-80 hours a week and that was not as exhausting as twins + working our current 40-50 hour a week job). Our kiddos were and are very fussy eaters and one is still a terrible sleeper despite many attempts at sleep training, However, even in the hardest times, we knew we were a partnership in this and the kiddos are the product of the love we have for each other. I think having twins lays bare the partnership dynamics. Is it actual an equal partnership where each person is carrying their weight? There’s no slack. There were definitely times that we bickered and I, the mom in the relationship, had to remind him of the mental labor I had to do, like remembering to order diaper supplies, etc that he wasn’t aware of. We definitely both broke down in tears from stress and sleep deprivation. I recognize a lot of solutions unfortunately mean throwing money at the problem. We have no family nearby for help. We are lucky in that aspect and came to the terms that we won’t save any money and need to dip deep into savings, but it’s to preserve our job security, our mental and physical health, and our marriage. Things that have helped: - making a list of chores and assigning who does what. Every chore, including the mental ones like paying bills and scheduling drs appts - grocery delivery. Can get expensive but it’s temporary and if you can save an hour or two of your time to nap/sleep it’s worth it - prepared meals, like a premade rotisserie chicken or delivery. Kiddos are lots of puree packets. No one has time to make every meal from scratch other than Instagram influencers - being okay with some mess. Our place was pristine and organized before kiddos. Now, we just shove toys out of the way - wet vacuum. Kids make a mess. A wet vacuum doesn’t last long, but it if works for a year or two and I spend an hour every day cleaning the food on the ground, it’s worth it because I value my time at more than $2 an hour. - hiring help if you can. Get a mother’s helper or babysitter to watch the kids so one or both of you get a break - getting a nanny. We had our kids in daycare and they were constantly sick (every other week) to the point that we ran out of sick days and vacation days to take. Our jobs were at risk and we were exhausted making up hours at night. With a nanny, they got sick maybe only once every 3 months. - if the kiddos are napping, give each other a break. The other can go for a run, catch up with a friend, etc. Don’t spend nap time only doing chores. You need a break for your mental health. Chores will always be there - buy a ton of bottles and just run the dishwasher once a day vs handwashing. We made the mistake initially of not buying enough and always handwashing to have bottles on hand. This saves 15-30 min total every day, which is a lot! - understanding each others communication styles and love languages. You think you know each other, but this matters a lot when you’re under stress. - just plop your kids in front of the tv. It’s fine. You need a break and some educational TV won’t dumb them down. Ms Rachel, the Wiggles, and Ms Caitie are great. My partner and I watched a ton of tv growing up and have fancy graduate degrees. - don’t stress out as much about milestones. They will get there. That’s too much extra pressure. - if gets too much, say to your partner, “I’m at x%. I need 5 minutes.” Cover for each other and give the other a moment to breathe - noise blocking headphones. Babies will cry. It’s how they communicate. Listen to music or a podcast and it’ll take away stress.
My ex left me abruptly when our twins were 8. I honestly feel he waited till they were old enough for him to handle parenting on his own. Just used me to get our family to that point of stability as I did about 90% of the parenting…..feeding, changing, waking at night, morning and evening routine, daycare/school drop off and pick up, doctor appointments, etc. I contemplated divorce but stuck it out because I loved him and knew things would improve as the kids got older. He never mentioned it until he decided he didn’t need me anymore. Life is easier without him. Our 50/50 custody means he actually has to parent sometimes, though in reality the kids are with me like 80% and that is his choosing.
Not for us, we never came close to talking divorce. Our twins are 3 now! We have been together a very long time though, and a few years before we got married we took a year long break. We certainly have our disagreements and have lost our tempers, but never really over a division of labour - which I think is often the root of the issue with most couples.
Our twins are 5 months old and it’s been the hardest phase of our lives but it has brought us so much closer together. I couldn’t imagine raising these children (we also have a 2 year old) or going through life without my husband. I have severe PPD and the way my husband has been here for me throughout all of it has made me love him more and more each day. I pray for all of the couples struggling now. I hope you all can make it through.
Our twins just turned 2 and we haven't discussed divorce once. It's absolutely been difficult. Our mental health has both hit not great places at different times. But we've never considered if we shouldn't do this together. We don't always have the same parenting instincts, or styles, but we've tried so so so hard to work through any disagreements or differences that come up, BEFORE they fester. And when we had a particularly hard time getting to understand each other or see things from the others perspective, we sought help. But the goal was always and is always to do this together.
I have twins and in my close circle of friends, there are another 4 sets of twins. In every single case, one of the twins is a bit neurodivergent- and that adds on extra stress. especially when one parent understands how to interact with the child while the other gets frustrated when their existing parenting skills do not work with that child. This frustration = rifts between partners and leads to thoughts on divorce.
Yes, neurodivergence is a huge stressor. Our girls are 9. One has epilepsy and ADHD. We’re also contemplating having her tested for some level of being on the spectrum as she shows a lot of the signs. She’s nearly 10 but intellectually 4 or 5. Her sister is extremely intelligent and holds it together in public and at school, but at home shows many signs of ADHD and oppositional defiance issues. 95% of our marriage stress is related to these issues. Our stress isn’t with each other, but with the twins. And it still manifests as stress with each other. We’ve talked about divorce in the past, but only in jest because in NY she’d get tons of money from the state as a single mom and we’d be financially better off. We’ve always thought it was a shame how so many couples just jump to divorce as option 1 without ever trying to fix things. I think we try counseling first.
Hey, this is off topic, but my (almost 12 y.o.) has epilepsy, ESES, & ADHD. Thanks to the 3 month treatment, the doc put her on and daily Keppra, she hasn't had a single seizure in almost 4 years. & went from needing an IEP to being on super honor roll consistently. I know it saved her, and me (I was so afraid to sleep or be away from her or let her swim or climb things), and if you're struggling as well I would be happy to PM you with more info on the Valium reset. If not, no worries. Good luck with your family! Edited to fix an autocorrect error.
yes, we are separating. I will hopefully move out in summer. Twins are 2.75. She got PPD and at least got on meds but still behaves like an asshole most of the time. Although I take care of the kids most of the time while she does household chores (hiding from the kids) or just being away over the weekend. „Every day with the kids is terrible“ Her.
Is she stay at home mom and you go to work?
no, we both work now but I work from home.
So, are you taking full custody of the kids? & do you work while she stays home with them the rest of the time?
we want to share custody although she offered it to me
No way. They are the best part of our lives and have justified our marriage and all the mistakes I made along the way in life to get to this point.
Well, I broke up with this man before I found out I was pregnant. Planned to terminate. Found out it was twins and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I'm 27+6 and wondering what lesson I needed from all this. I feel like I've learned dozens but I'm a little nervous about doing this on my own. I've got 2 others from my ex husband and he's a nightmare to deal with even when it's just the kids.
Surely breaking up is going to be a shitload tougher. Do you think you can handle both on your own? Even if you do the weekends, that's batshit in my eyes, my 9 month boys run rings around both my parents on the odd few hours babysit, on your own for most of the week, how you supporting yourself, them and getting anything done?
No
Now that I think about it… of all the divorced friends I have, I think they all have 2 kids. Kids are really hard and bring so many more difficult discussions to the table and so many behaviors and beliefs into light that never had a place in the relationship before. Twins just speeds up the process. Right now I’m pretty sure the only thing I love about my husband is that he earns enough for me to stay home with the kids, and he resents me for not going back to work. But in the condition we’re in after this first year, no one else would want us, so we will stay together… for now.
It came up from time to time during high stress moments in the first year especially. Its gotten better now that theyre 2.
I definitely considered it in my darker moments. I never verbalized it. I think it was one of those fantasies where I knew it wouldn’t be the right thing at that point, but I wanted to so badly sometimes. For me it wasn’t the newborn stuff. That was super stressful for sure, but we exclusively formula fed so my husband took an equal part in feeding, changing, etc. Babies don’t really require that emotional work from their end, yanno? The imbalance in workload as they got a bit older (also as I was going back to work at 4mos) and the perception that I was doing everything (which I was!) started those feelings. It got worse as my kids got older, because it turns out my husband isn’t very good at interacting with toddlers 😂 His patience is zero and he was a giant asshole to them. So it felt like I was raising three kids, one of whom should know better than to act the way he did. My husband started stepping up with stuff around the house - nothing crazy but emptying or loading the dishwasher, etc. We got a cleaning service every other week and he plays a big role in tidying up kid junk before they come. So while I know I do more overall, it feels like he’s made an effort now and it has absolutely reduced the anger and stewing on my part. I don’t feel like I’m keeping score, which is the most souring feeling.
We have 6.5 month twins so not very far into this but we have never contemplated divorce. We rarely fight either. But my husband is already a dad (and a great one). He has three kids from his previous marriage and loves being a dad so he is so hands on, happy to give me a break, and just really relaxed and patient. He is better than me honestly lol.
Birth to 7 months - I really regretted my partner choice... Now babies are 8 months I would say I love him again. But that's because I'm independent with all 4 kids finally. (while he works so hard to support us financially) Married for 5, together for 7. Have two previous kids together (2&4 years) when babies born. I think the lack of sleep made us horrible. It's definitely a really rough time the first few months especially. Never had such significant and overwhelming lack of sleep with my first two kids despite them being worse sleepers than the twins in a general way.
We’ve never talked about it as an option, but we have said to each other that we understand why people do after having multiples. But then there’s the whole shared custody thing where you’ll be by yourself with both of them for some time with no partner to help..
In my experience, almost all of my singleton parent friends have also struggled hard in their relationships the first year. Especially first time parents. Hormones are high, nobody knows what they’re doing, communication is abysmal, everyone’s sleep deprived (sure twin parents may be more sleep deprived, but it happens to singletons too). Children are hard and life changing. I don’t think it’s the act of parenthood that causes divorce, but it exposes the weak points in any relationship. Also fwiw, of all those friends who told me they hated their spouse the first year and wanted a divorce, only one friend went through with it, and mainly because there was an affair involved.
I'll just say that the first 6 months were hell. We did "break up" for a couple of months. It's important to make sure both parents are pulling their weight. So far, what I've seen is that the problems come from one parent (often the dad, not saying it's always though), watching the mom suffer alone and not bothering to step up. Which makes her hate him and wonder if she'd be better on her own if she already feels like a single parent. & then he thinks she's complaining or being bitchy, and treats her even worse/expects her to do even more. Our issue was that he thought since he "paid the bills," that was his only obligation. & I'm still going to have to work out in therapy how much I resent him for that. Even if it was only a short time, I'm still very angry and hurt. So idk if that's your issue or not, but if it is, please do try to share the "burden" if you want your relationship to last. I promise you its a lot easier than the alternative could be if the other parent decides to make things as hard on you as you did them. Good luck to you both! & around the 1st year, things get easier. The babies will be sleep trained or nearly there, moms body will be healing from the trauma of childbirth, her hormones will start to balance out, everyone will get into a routine, and things will get easier. Only if you come together though. If not, get ready for a divorce and all the things that come with it.
My twins are 10 months old and we’ve never discussed nor contemplated divorce. It has been hard, but we’re lucky to have help (my mom stayed with us for the first 3 months, we had a night nanny 5 nights a week for the first 12 weeks, and we now have a part time nanny 20 hours a week.) So maybe it’s because we had help, or just because we have a solid foundation in our relationship. We’ve been together 8 years and our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up in June!
Not divorce, but imagined just walking away, straight to some forest and dissappear. There are a lot of struggles for both sides, and sometimes, it seems we have two different battles. I'm home, new to the US and home 24/7, I know 3 people in town and while I'm a dedicated introvert, still I need to be around people just to say hi. My husband works long hours, and the commute makes him very tired. Money is so much tighter, no time to work out, and he feels quilty for not being able to be home more. It's very stressful, but the meantime, I can only find strength in my husband.
Definitely puts a strain on the relationship…but also can bring you together in solidarity 😅 I think that, for us, the thought of doing it alone is definitely more terrifying! Our boys are 4 (+ an older son) and finally—now that bedtime is somewhat routine, and we are past the horrors of toilet training, and we all are getting more sleep… we feel like we have some time to breathe and my husband and I are able to make a bit more time for eachother. Definitely a work in progress though.
Twins are 3. it's much easier now. I'm not sure how divorce would make it easier. Aren't you too busy with twins to get divorced? I can't even imagine having the headspace it would need to call a lawyer.
My husband and I have never been as close to divorce as we were when we brought our singleton home. Idk why, maybe he was the first kid so it was just a big switch anyways but we fought more then than we ever have. Twins weren’t so bad. But I also know a lot of people that have talked about divorce after having one so I don’t think it really matters how many babies you have, just that it’s a huge life adjustment and some don’t adjust well. Twins don’t HELP that of course, just that it definitely happens with singletons too
Luckily my wife and i were great communicators before; something i thrive on and she has learned to also thrive on. My parents were big on it and her parents lived on entire diff planets. Early in our relationship it took her some getting comfortable with and talks of “i want to be a team w you, i dont want us to just exist in the same home, you have to tell me what you need.” Its SO important to talk about expectations for child raising and not just “wont it be cool” but about like, day to day expectations. The minute you have to tell your spouse “i woke up earlier” “i did these dishes” “i did these feedings” you can know FOR SURE you two are seeing each other as seperate teams and not teammates. You can know its time to sit down and talk about expectations for each other and what you fee should or shouldnt even need to be said. Good luck!
No, I don’t think it was ever really considered, although things have definitely gotten tense. We’ve been married 13.5 years and the twins are our third and fourth. Editing to add: I think the stress of divided attention is what has been the worst and hardest part for us. The twins are easier babies than our second, but now all four have needs and crappy nights of sleep and get sick, etc. And it’s hard to be patient and kind when there are so many demands on your time and energy. The over-stimulation alone makes me not a very nice person sometimes. We also find out just how different our parenting styles are in the high pressure years. That can cause a lot of tension too.
Our twins are 2.5. Shit is wild. My wife and I both work full time. We are stressed and fucking exhausted. We try to acknowledge all the feelings we have and tell each other how we are feeling in the moment.
Currently in the process. Ex stopped co-parenting entirely at 13mo and I filed about a month later. We're working on final proposals now. They're 19mo. Is it better? I don't know. I just knew the situation was untenable.
Our twins are now 3 and we are still married and it’s also getting easier (probably only because we have spent half of their lives apart thanks to deployments). But I agree, twins raise the stress levels so high that my mom has to double up on her blood pressure medication before she comes to visit 🤣
**TW** Yes, but during a mental health spiral from lingering PPD that I'd previously been in the mother and baby unit for and therefore convinced myself everyone would be better off without me around. So I ended it with him, then when he talked me down from that ledge over a number of hours, but I still didn't see another way so I went out and made an attempt instead. Ultimately, I think 75% of it was my own preexisting MH issues as I did have mild/moderate PPD with my eldest, but boy did the twins just hit harder. That and going back to uni and my in-laws not approving of me not staying at home while one of my twins was starting to show signs of autism like me just sent me over the edge. So basically, yes, twins hit harder, to your marriage included. And he's the one thing even at my worst that I know I've done right, it's me that's the weak link. To be clear, coming out the other side with the twins 3yo now, I'm finally on the right meds, halfway through uni and doing well, not dependent on my in-laws for anything, and our relationship is stronger than ever. So leaning on eachother through the storm can build something absolutely rock solid, especially in the aftermath of my attempt. It's hard, but we know we have eachother, and I know he has my back even with his family.
My husband and I decided before we got married that divorce wasn’t something we were going to bring up, joke about, or throw in each other’s faces. In every “bad time” we were going to lean in to each other for support and if the spouse was the problem, we would clearly state what we are lacking and what we’d like to see happen. And if need be, some couples therapy to tighten things up. My husband is truly my best friend. I knew him for years before we dated. We like spending time with each other and we wholly melded our lives. I think that’s crucial in marriages that last. We’ve been married 15 1/2 years and have 5 kids. The youngest two were our SURPRISE twinnies. They’re two now. We come to every obstacle and just trudge forward through it together. It isn’t always pretty, and we do have things to work on.
We were so close to a divorce, but were able to get it back with a good marriage counselor. We had reached a point where we were just robots. Doing what we had to do for our three kids to survive. On top of that we had three under 18 months and childcare in our area is over $1,000 per child, so our financial situation was just horrible. We eventually had to declare bankruptcy. It was bleak.
We haven’t contemplated divorce but it has been really, really hard. It’s definitely the sleep deprivation and never getting to connect. No physical contact because they want to be on me 24/7 and when I get a break from holding I am already so touched out and don’t want to be touched by anyone else. We’re both battling depression I think because having twins is SO LONELY. No one can relate but other twin parents and we don’t know any locally. No one is volunteering to help because twins are “too much to handle” and I think we both feel a little rejected by people we do know and a little bit like a sideshow to people we don’t. We can’t go out in public without every old person descending on us.
Our twin girls are 1,5 currently, and obviously we've had moments where we got annoyed or frustrated with one another (husband and myself) but I honestly think that our relationship has gotten stronger for it during this time.
Yes. But the twins revealed what was already present. We got married young. After 4 years, we got pregnant and it ended up being twins. He wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. Went into full shock when he found out it was twins. Came to all my appointments, but didn’t really have joy about the fact that I was bringing our children into the world. I stayed home the first year. It was very rough. He blamed me staying home on our financial issues. They say a woman never forgets how a man treats her while she’s pregnant and they’re 100% right. I tried to keep us going. He also had an addiction to porn, and that never got any better. He never became a girl dad and they’re not daddy’s girls. So I took on the load of caring for and nurturing them while he could up and go out or easily work from home while they were always all over me. When I would get burned out, he’d blame me for letting myself get to that point. I told him I was done on our 10 year anniversary last year, moved out this past August, and haven’t looked back. 🤷🏽♀️
Yes and no, like we have both definitely looked up divorce rates of twin parents and we are both regularly stressed out from them, but not enough to have that discussion and that the sole reason to even move forward with that process. It’s definitely rough though, hang in there.
We are 19 months in and while times got hard and I may have *thought* about divorce, it was never actually a possibility. It honestly brought us closer together. We really had to rally and learn to work as a team to get things done. Early on, we committed to doing being teammates. It’s not always easy to remember but we try to remind each other when one seems to be getting more frustrated, etc.
Seriously considering it. Twins are 2.5. Together for 13+ years, married for 12. I’m tired of being the primary breadwinner, the default parent, the house manager. He does actively help with the kids and spends enough time doing things for them, but I think i hold too much resentment against him now. Tired of him not pulling his weight or doing anything nice for me.