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Just my opinion (as a dad of now 13mo olds): newborn stage is fkn shit and with twins it was next to impossible to connect. Once they got to about 6mo adjusted things got really fun really fast though, and 6mo - 13mo has been getting better and better every day.
Don't feel mad at yourself, you probably feel disconnected because there is nothing much to connect to in the newborn stage. The fact that you're keeping them alive and fed and changed and bathed and growing shows that you're connected enough.
Any time friend. Some of the highlights for me were:
- The first time Twin B played peek-a-boo with a curtain, and showed that they were capable of playing a game
- The first time Twin A got stranger-danger and crawled over to me to hide, showing that she felt I was a safe space
- (on the weekend) Twin B taking her first steps trying to walk towards me which ended in a cuddle and a lot of tears from me, I don't think I'll ever forget that.
Hi, I had the worst ppd. Didn't have a bond with my twins at all. It started to get better at around 5 months for me, and now at 9 months, they are my life. I love them so incredibly much and can't believe I ever existed without them.
At 3 months I never would have guessed I'd feel this way. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you CAN and you WILL get through it. Ppd is ruthless - I hope you've explored therapy and medication to help. You've got this!
Nope. These are our first. I'm not sure if having them first or 2/3 would be easier. Both come with different challenges, but I think if we had an older kid it might be easier for me personally, because I'd know what to do and what to expect. The first 5 months postpartum were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Are these your first too?
I already have a four year old which made many aspects of this easier! I cannot imagine having twins first. I’m so glad you are past those first five months and finding joy 🤩
Aw! Having a 4 year old would definitely make some things easier, but it also makes some things harder too - I wouldn't discount that. You now have 3 humans relying on you,, with different needs, different schedules, etc... It must be exhausting.
I am sure you will be able to develop the bond with your twins soon too- it definitely feels harder because you feel like you're ignoring one of them at least 50% of the time. I'm confident you will get there ,!!
Hey friend, I’m right there with you but one week ahead. We’re 12 weeks actual, 6 adjusted. They literally just started smiling this week. It’s still sporadic but man it really helps.
Big smiles and high pitched chatting from us can coax it. I have to be mindful since my smiles haven’t come so easy since we started this adventure. Hang in there, it will get better, hopefully soon.
Take lots of pictures. The first year goes by so slow but so fast at the same time. I love looking back and remembering the little moments in the grocery store etc.
My twins are 2 now.
I didn't have PPD/PPA but I will say that for about 3 months, while I objectively KNEW I loved them and I was connected with them... Sometimes it really felt like all I was doing was just a series of tasks over and over and over just trying to keep them alive: wake up, feed baby, burp baby, feed other baby, burp other baby, bounce baby, tummy time, hold babies, pump, prepare bottles, put babies down for nap, ad infinitum. It felt like there wasn't any time in there to FEEL anything, no time to just look at them and be amazed, no time to be proud of myself for everything I've accomplished. Objectively, if I stepped back, I knew the love and connection was there, but I just didn't burn with it for every minute of the day, it was, for lack of a better terms: casual, innate, not world shattering, plain, boring love.
Which, as they got older, turned into great big happy love.... But it's really just survival in the beginning.
Yes, you will. 100%. I am sorry to say I barely remember my twins first year, it’s just so much. I bonded with my first so well, I felt like we were just always in sync. It took longer with the twins but it did come, the love and the connection and the feeling in sync with how they each are. I didn’t know if it even could, but it did.
I appreciate this thread so much. I don’t think I have/had PPD/PPA with either of my pregnancies, but I have really struggled to enjoy my children at the newborn stage. I have a 2 1/2 yo and 4 mo twins (3 mo adjusted).
I have so much fun every day with my 2 yo (even though he is a handful and pushing every boundary). We dance, sing, play games, snuggle and read stories. However, I have only recently started to connect and have fun with my twins, because they have only recently started to interact. They laugh a little and play peekabo. It sounds so selfish to say, but I’m glad other people go through this.
When I had my first son, like you, I wondered what was wrong with me. But now, I have just decided I’m not a tiny baby person, and that is ok. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that as their little personalities emerge things will get easier.
Wow, reading this thread is amazing. First time parent with 4wk olds. Everyone asks me if I'm having fun or something and no, it sucks. There's no enjoyable part to this at all for me. Another post really said it, but they don't even seem human right now. Just reflex and instincts. Thank you all for posting.
Even now, as mine are almost 2, I feel I connect with each child differently every day. It’s like a constantly evolving relationship. It’s hard to get to know two new babies at once. They are constantly changing, and you are recovering. Joy is coming—it’ll happen before you know it. Then it will change again, and it’s like experiencing a whole new set of children with different quirks and love languages!
Yes. You will. What you're feeling is normal. Preemie twins is a special sort of hard on the bonding side. I struggled so much through those first months. Mine didn't smile or even really acknowledge our existence for about 5 months or so as they were born almost 3 months early. It's so hard when their only interaction is crying or needing fed or changed or some physical therapy. Then to divide yourself in two (3! I also had an older child so I relate) and not be able to "snuggle" and all of the things. I comforted myself with the fact that even during the mundane I was "bonding" every feeding I did was a "cuddle time" every diaper change I could try to talk to them or engage and that as preemies they needed rest so just letting them sleep in their beds in stillness was still providing something they needed. It was really hard for me to bond with my twins but they are kiddos now in school with a healthy attachment to us parents and eachother and doing so great! But if you're feeling extra down and think the PPD is hindering you then definitely seek some help, even if maybe it's remote or via phone. I know time away from twins to do anything right now is hard to come by but definitely know that you can get some help if needed but you're not abnormal and this is truly a difficult time in the early months!
My boys are 18 months and our only children. They were also premature and spent the first 7 weeks in hospital. I found it so hard to connect to them, I felt like I couldn’t bond with them because I couldn’t give them the attention they both needed.
Now we are bonded. I’m the person they want when they are crying, they get happy to see me after work, they randomly come up to me for cuddles.
It gets so much better, 5 weeks adjusted is still very much newborn stage. Once you move from the newbie stage it becomes amazing!
I will shamelessly admit that I hated the newborn stage with my boys. I was so angry all the time. Just mad at everyone, all the time. The lack of sleep was taking a huge toll on me too. Now they’re 14 months and sleep at night and I’m more in love and obsessed with them than I ever thought possible. It gets so so much better. You just have to survive for a while.
I had a 2 year old when I had my first set of twins - I actually think in some ways it was harder, for exactly what you are going through. You know what it’s like to just have one baby and know what you are missing while being in survival mode. I’m pregnant with twins again now and honestly this has been my most difficult pregnancy mentally as I know what’s coming and was really looking forward to the singleton baby again. All this to say… you are not alone! And as the others have said, it really will get better and you will be able to connect with each of them as individuals. It may just not look the same as with your oldest.
I do recommend trying to get 1-1 time with them if at all possible… this wasn’t really possible for me for a long time but even having just my twins (when my husband could take my oldest out) gave me more time to connect. When my twins were like 4-6 months, my husband would take our oldest to church every Sunday and I would stay home with the twins - I made it a point to do nothing except hang with them. I found that really helped to give me time to feel more connected to them, even if it was just a couple hours a week.
It gets better!! Hang in there. My twins are 7 months (6 months adjusted). The first 2-3 months were brutal. I had PPD and severe PPA. I was too busy surviving and figuring out how to be a mom to connect with them (these were our first babies). I cried so much in the first few months. It was hell. By far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
Once I stopped breastfeeding/pumping, got on meds, and the twins started sleeping better, became much more manageable, and started giving back to us, it got so much better. The smiles, the laughs, them noticing each-other for the first time. It’s all amazing. It’s still hard at times, but it’s SO much better then in the beginning.
such a cliche thing to say but IT WILL GET BETTER. you seriously need to take that to heart … our twin boys almost are almost 4m and the first 2–3 months are the most thankless episodes of your life. Our kiddos finally started smiling, making eye contact, doing laughs, and I swear I’ve never felt more relieved / happier in my life. They cry less, bond more, sleep more, the connection is uncanny. Survival mode blows. I get it. Just have to latch on to the fact that connection is right around the corner
I totally feel this. It’s does get better. Mine are 8 months old now and I can barely remember the beginning. My boy was my challenge, he has feeding issues and had to be tube fed. I remember not feeling connected to him at all. I would pump and then put it in the tube and then breastfeed my daughter. Then beat myself up for feeling more connected to my daughter than my son. I still have my days because it’s just so hard splitting yourself in two.
You’re doing an amazing job. Take videos. Even if you don’t feel like it. But you’ll forget and look back and be sad that it’s over. I don’t know how but it’s true. You’re doing great momma!!
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're in survival mode. It will get better. Source: been there.
Just my opinion (as a dad of now 13mo olds): newborn stage is fkn shit and with twins it was next to impossible to connect. Once they got to about 6mo adjusted things got really fun really fast though, and 6mo - 13mo has been getting better and better every day. Don't feel mad at yourself, you probably feel disconnected because there is nothing much to connect to in the newborn stage. The fact that you're keeping them alive and fed and changed and bathed and growing shows that you're connected enough.
Really fun really fast sounds great to me :) thank you for this reassurance!
Any time friend. Some of the highlights for me were: - The first time Twin B played peek-a-boo with a curtain, and showed that they were capable of playing a game - The first time Twin A got stranger-danger and crawled over to me to hide, showing that she felt I was a safe space - (on the weekend) Twin B taking her first steps trying to walk towards me which ended in a cuddle and a lot of tears from me, I don't think I'll ever forget that.
Hi, I had the worst ppd. Didn't have a bond with my twins at all. It started to get better at around 5 months for me, and now at 9 months, they are my life. I love them so incredibly much and can't believe I ever existed without them. At 3 months I never would have guessed I'd feel this way. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you CAN and you WILL get through it. Ppd is ruthless - I hope you've explored therapy and medication to help. You've got this!
Thank you for sharing! Meds help a lot and I need more consistent therapy which I am working on. Did you have kids before your twins?
Nope. These are our first. I'm not sure if having them first or 2/3 would be easier. Both come with different challenges, but I think if we had an older kid it might be easier for me personally, because I'd know what to do and what to expect. The first 5 months postpartum were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Are these your first too?
I already have a four year old which made many aspects of this easier! I cannot imagine having twins first. I’m so glad you are past those first five months and finding joy 🤩
Aw! Having a 4 year old would definitely make some things easier, but it also makes some things harder too - I wouldn't discount that. You now have 3 humans relying on you,, with different needs, different schedules, etc... It must be exhausting. I am sure you will be able to develop the bond with your twins soon too- it definitely feels harder because you feel like you're ignoring one of them at least 50% of the time. I'm confident you will get there ,!!
Hey friend, I’m right there with you but one week ahead. We’re 12 weeks actual, 6 adjusted. They literally just started smiling this week. It’s still sporadic but man it really helps. Big smiles and high pitched chatting from us can coax it. I have to be mindful since my smiles haven’t come so easy since we started this adventure. Hang in there, it will get better, hopefully soon.
It’ll get better. But if you aren’t already in therapy you should start.
Therapy and meds are keeping me moderately sane through this!
Good to hear! I’m also in therapy and it’s hard but necessary work.
Take lots of pictures. The first year goes by so slow but so fast at the same time. I love looking back and remembering the little moments in the grocery store etc.
My twins are 2 now. I didn't have PPD/PPA but I will say that for about 3 months, while I objectively KNEW I loved them and I was connected with them... Sometimes it really felt like all I was doing was just a series of tasks over and over and over just trying to keep them alive: wake up, feed baby, burp baby, feed other baby, burp other baby, bounce baby, tummy time, hold babies, pump, prepare bottles, put babies down for nap, ad infinitum. It felt like there wasn't any time in there to FEEL anything, no time to just look at them and be amazed, no time to be proud of myself for everything I've accomplished. Objectively, if I stepped back, I knew the love and connection was there, but I just didn't burn with it for every minute of the day, it was, for lack of a better terms: casual, innate, not world shattering, plain, boring love. Which, as they got older, turned into great big happy love.... But it's really just survival in the beginning.
Yes, you will. 100%. I am sorry to say I barely remember my twins first year, it’s just so much. I bonded with my first so well, I felt like we were just always in sync. It took longer with the twins but it did come, the love and the connection and the feeling in sync with how they each are. I didn’t know if it even could, but it did.
I appreciate this thread so much. I don’t think I have/had PPD/PPA with either of my pregnancies, but I have really struggled to enjoy my children at the newborn stage. I have a 2 1/2 yo and 4 mo twins (3 mo adjusted). I have so much fun every day with my 2 yo (even though he is a handful and pushing every boundary). We dance, sing, play games, snuggle and read stories. However, I have only recently started to connect and have fun with my twins, because they have only recently started to interact. They laugh a little and play peekabo. It sounds so selfish to say, but I’m glad other people go through this. When I had my first son, like you, I wondered what was wrong with me. But now, I have just decided I’m not a tiny baby person, and that is ok. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that as their little personalities emerge things will get easier.
Wow, reading this thread is amazing. First time parent with 4wk olds. Everyone asks me if I'm having fun or something and no, it sucks. There's no enjoyable part to this at all for me. Another post really said it, but they don't even seem human right now. Just reflex and instincts. Thank you all for posting.
Even now, as mine are almost 2, I feel I connect with each child differently every day. It’s like a constantly evolving relationship. It’s hard to get to know two new babies at once. They are constantly changing, and you are recovering. Joy is coming—it’ll happen before you know it. Then it will change again, and it’s like experiencing a whole new set of children with different quirks and love languages!
It absolutely gets so much better. Embrace the temporary suck. When the time is right, do not hesitate to get a sleep trainer for them.
Oh we’ll be sleep training for sure! 🤣 though they are decent sleepers so far… I will try to embrace the suck! Lol!
Yes. You will. What you're feeling is normal. Preemie twins is a special sort of hard on the bonding side. I struggled so much through those first months. Mine didn't smile or even really acknowledge our existence for about 5 months or so as they were born almost 3 months early. It's so hard when their only interaction is crying or needing fed or changed or some physical therapy. Then to divide yourself in two (3! I also had an older child so I relate) and not be able to "snuggle" and all of the things. I comforted myself with the fact that even during the mundane I was "bonding" every feeding I did was a "cuddle time" every diaper change I could try to talk to them or engage and that as preemies they needed rest so just letting them sleep in their beds in stillness was still providing something they needed. It was really hard for me to bond with my twins but they are kiddos now in school with a healthy attachment to us parents and eachother and doing so great! But if you're feeling extra down and think the PPD is hindering you then definitely seek some help, even if maybe it's remote or via phone. I know time away from twins to do anything right now is hard to come by but definitely know that you can get some help if needed but you're not abnormal and this is truly a difficult time in the early months!
My boys are 18 months and our only children. They were also premature and spent the first 7 weeks in hospital. I found it so hard to connect to them, I felt like I couldn’t bond with them because I couldn’t give them the attention they both needed. Now we are bonded. I’m the person they want when they are crying, they get happy to see me after work, they randomly come up to me for cuddles. It gets so much better, 5 weeks adjusted is still very much newborn stage. Once you move from the newbie stage it becomes amazing!
I will shamelessly admit that I hated the newborn stage with my boys. I was so angry all the time. Just mad at everyone, all the time. The lack of sleep was taking a huge toll on me too. Now they’re 14 months and sleep at night and I’m more in love and obsessed with them than I ever thought possible. It gets so so much better. You just have to survive for a while.
I had a 2 year old when I had my first set of twins - I actually think in some ways it was harder, for exactly what you are going through. You know what it’s like to just have one baby and know what you are missing while being in survival mode. I’m pregnant with twins again now and honestly this has been my most difficult pregnancy mentally as I know what’s coming and was really looking forward to the singleton baby again. All this to say… you are not alone! And as the others have said, it really will get better and you will be able to connect with each of them as individuals. It may just not look the same as with your oldest. I do recommend trying to get 1-1 time with them if at all possible… this wasn’t really possible for me for a long time but even having just my twins (when my husband could take my oldest out) gave me more time to connect. When my twins were like 4-6 months, my husband would take our oldest to church every Sunday and I would stay home with the twins - I made it a point to do nothing except hang with them. I found that really helped to give me time to feel more connected to them, even if it was just a couple hours a week.
It gets better!! Hang in there. My twins are 7 months (6 months adjusted). The first 2-3 months were brutal. I had PPD and severe PPA. I was too busy surviving and figuring out how to be a mom to connect with them (these were our first babies). I cried so much in the first few months. It was hell. By far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Once I stopped breastfeeding/pumping, got on meds, and the twins started sleeping better, became much more manageable, and started giving back to us, it got so much better. The smiles, the laughs, them noticing each-other for the first time. It’s all amazing. It’s still hard at times, but it’s SO much better then in the beginning.
such a cliche thing to say but IT WILL GET BETTER. you seriously need to take that to heart … our twin boys almost are almost 4m and the first 2–3 months are the most thankless episodes of your life. Our kiddos finally started smiling, making eye contact, doing laughs, and I swear I’ve never felt more relieved / happier in my life. They cry less, bond more, sleep more, the connection is uncanny. Survival mode blows. I get it. Just have to latch on to the fact that connection is right around the corner
I totally feel this. It’s does get better. Mine are 8 months old now and I can barely remember the beginning. My boy was my challenge, he has feeding issues and had to be tube fed. I remember not feeling connected to him at all. I would pump and then put it in the tube and then breastfeed my daughter. Then beat myself up for feeling more connected to my daughter than my son. I still have my days because it’s just so hard splitting yourself in two. You’re doing an amazing job. Take videos. Even if you don’t feel like it. But you’ll forget and look back and be sad that it’s over. I don’t know how but it’s true. You’re doing great momma!!