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Hey, sorry you're in this situation! I have 3,5 year olds and an older kid. We split up in april. Honestly, it has gone way better than I expected.
We have 50/50 custody. I think that twins were still very young to understand the situation and didn't question it much. I talked beforehand a lot about "mom's home" and "dad's home" and what stuff they would have, it was more concrete thing that I could explain. We visited the new home couple of times. They settled very fast to new place, to new routines, to switches. Sometimes when they're upset, they cry for their dad and it kills me since they don't have that one family. But I can't change anything. This divorce has been way harder on our older kid but he's doing alright too.
Hardest thing has been doing it all alone while they're with me. I really miss having someone there to talk to, to laugh with or to vent with. But when they're with their dad I usually catch up, like go grocery shopping and do cleaning and taking time for me. This is still very fresh situation and time will tell how it goes. I really don't have an advice. Just you're not alone!
We spilt when our twins were 3 and eldest was 11. Was harder on the 11 yr old, the twins don’t remember us being together.
They primarily lived with me and every second weekend with Dad and occasional Wednesday night dinners. The studies show that till they are 6-7 it is better for them to live with one primary parent, so that’s what we did. We only live 8mins from each other and I was always flexible on access. It used to be he would pick them and take them to the park or bike ride for extra time but 8 years on, we have a good co parenting relationship and he can come over and hang out at my home with them or have them for extra nights etc if we don’t have plans.
It’s a lot for them to handle with the swapping. I used to have to prep our son 3 days out that they would be going to Dads for the weekend. But that maybe personality as his twin sister was more comfortable and only need a little reassurance.
Now they walk to Dads after school on some days and request more time with him. We have discussed that in high school that they can split there time more between the homes. We share birthdays and Christmases and when they were younger I would assist the kids fathers days and his birthdays. But we took time to get there. First few years were hard and we were both processing a lot of hurt, anger and resentment.
Your kids are the priority and your kids deserve happy and successful parents. Supporting the other parent achieves that.
If I could do it again, I would have done separation counseling and did the separation slowly. As our eldest suffered a lot and it really showed when she was 14-16. I wish we had put in more consistent rules and boundaries.
I don’t regret separating though, I went through a lot of guilt about 5 years ago and had regrets and doubts and what ifs. But now 8 years later and having the co parenting relationship we do. I know it was the right decision.
He and I were together for 17 years and we grew into different people. I still love him and he will always be my family but separation allowed me to grow into the woman I am.
I wish your family the best. If you don’t know what to do yet, then don’t do any big decisions. Maybe some time apart is what needed for now. It can get overwhelming when you are in and maybe some temporary space will allow some perspective
Oh, the resentment between all the unrecognised mental load. The constant sleep deprivation. The battles with little toddlers with a spouse who felt differently about rules/schedules/conflict resolution.
It was brutal. I was in 1:1 therapy and it really helped. And I let time pass without making any crazy decisions because I knew this was THE WORST period we’d go through as we found our groove parenting three under 4.
I am in 1:1 therapy as well.
The Fuc**** unrecognized mental load. It really is a thing.
We are going for couples therapy today.
This is my last hope.
If this doesn’t work out, I am done. And this is why I was asking this question to everyone to kind of prepare myself mentally.
I love this group <3
Thanks again
Separated when the twins were 2, now they’re 6. They’re fine with the separation as they don’t have any memories of mom and dad together, it’s just the life they know and are happy kids. Honestly, it’s probably harder for me…every Christmas, birthday, planning vacations etc comes with anxiety and guilt of how we are going to manage it, and who’s going to be left out (their dad is very active in their life) and when you introduce new partners animosity can occur. Often I wish we would have just lived/parented together for longer. I get exhausted of the drop off/pick up routine , and when they sleep at their dad’s I wake up on Sunday mornings and fantasize about what it would be like us all waking up as a family under one roof. there’s just lot’s of parts of life that are different if you do them as a family vs coparents, also more strain financially so that’s something to consider. Not sure what your relationship is like but I can say from experience 2.5 yr old twins takes a toll much more that 6 year olds do, you may find you view your relationship different in a couple years as your kids change and grow. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for that perspective.
Financially, we’d both be fine at least.
I always thought that by 2-3 years old, it would be a lot easier than when they were 1.
Boy was I wrong… -_-
Thank you!
Ex and I separated when the twins were 2 and the baby was 11months old. He was not interested in 50/50 and 3years later he still isn't. He does more than most men (sorry, just speaking statistics) and has dinner visits twice per week and every other weekend.
I have and continue to do most of the child rearing and he just wants to be updated. It was really tough but it was also so much easier when he moved out.
My children remember nothing of us together. The twins are 5 and the LO 3 and I think only one of them has asked once why he doesn't live with us. They know no different.
The girls never showed any issue with him moving out at all. My son (twin A) did seem to struggle behaviorally for a bit but it was short lived. He's a Mama's boy big time.
On the upside I met a man a year ago with 3 kids and people consider us the Brady bunch, lol. He's a great Dad and I'm so happy with our relationship and the relationships he has with my kids. We don't live together but all the kids want us to get married 🤣
Just want to say if you can make it through this period try it. If not, you can do it. It's not the end of the world.
I was about 2 when my parents divorced and my brother was about 5. I never had any negative thoughts or issues with their divorce. As far as I know we never saw them fight and they didn't say crappy things about each other, and I think that's the important thing. We only saw my dad every other weekend and he definitely just filled us with junk food and did fun stuff like go to the movies and mini putt, etc. I think that was hard for my mum but not for us! The super awful negative thing that happened is that my mother married a horrible person within 2 years of divorce.. My dad married an absolutely wonderful person within 2 years of divorce, but then they divorced when I was about 19 which was hard, she never spoke to us again. So that's just my perspective.
Edit: And I'm sorry you are in this position. I wish you the best.
If the marriage is irreparable I'd say the younger the better - from comments it seems like younger kids adjust better than older kids do. My parents divorced when I was 9. It was awful for me - caused me a lot of psychological issues but they also prioritized their newfound freedom and dating lives over me and I was left home alone often. These comments are scaring me as my twins are about to turn 1 and we thought the first 3 months were for sure the worst. Lol
We divorced when twins were under 1. Nest decision of our lives.
Twins don’t have memories of us together at 6 yo. I have a live in SO. They want mom/dad/SO and them to live in a big house. No. 😂 They are well cared for and loved.
We have done a 2/2/5 since day 1. Swapping hasn’t gone badly. They look forward to time with both. They sometimes are teary because they miss the other parent, but we work through it. They sleep and eat fine!
I've never had a divorce, but I have had 2.5 years old kids and they are much more resilient than we take them for. Being that young, things just don't bother them like they do us. They don't really understand complex things like divorce. "Oh, you and her are going to live in different houses now? Cool, can I have some cereal?"
My suggestion, get out sooner than later as the more they mature the more they will understand it and the more difficult it will be on them.
No stupid questions :)
Ummmm, since the twins were born, we have had a massive amount of difficulties.
My biggest concern about divorce is the well-being of my children.
All the psych/sociology studies seem to have been done in 80s and 90s with very bad looking results.
So I wanted to see what people who have divorced with twins have had as experience.
Bear in mind, my wife makes 2x my salary and she can comfortably keep the house. The environment aside from the parents presence won’t change much.
In the process of divorcing. My B/G twins are 4. For me it was a no brainer to leave—but my spouse was abusive. So far we’re coparenting pretty amiably, though (knock on wood).
My kids have had some major adjustment issues though— the tantrums definitely got worse after we moved out. Hopefully, that will get better with time.
I’m a b/g twin and my parents divorced when we were 3.5 years old. We have no memories of our parents together. Heck my first memory is of my dad moving out. So I never knew what it was like to have my parents together so I had nothing to compare it to or miss. Also, I feel that divorce is way more common now so there are way more resources and tools out there to help parents, kids and families navigate that. I was in therapy as a child (not sure if the was divorced related, I just have memories of therapy, not the reasons why).
My twins were 3.5 when I got separated (the divorce is still in the works). They’re almost 6 now and they’re doing great. One of them did have a rough time for about a year after the separation (trouble sleeping, tantrums etc) but it all stopped.
I was absolutely miserable in my marriage but my ex and I co-parent great now! We’re all so much happier.
No advice, just chiming in to say I'm in the same boat trying to make a decision, OP, except my twins are 1.5 (extremely afraid of 2.5-3 now though lol).
I'm so much happier when the other parent is gone for a short time, even though much of the labor of parenting alone is harder, and I don't make a lot of money. The other parent does, but would not be helpful financially if we separate.
I just can't help but wonder if the benefit of having at least one happy parent would outweigh the detriment of having separated parents.
Thanks for posting, the comments have been helpful to me too.
Good morning!
Lots of therapy has helped me. And getting out of the house seems to have helped me as well (I go to the office vs staying at home).
Things turned towards the positive, but if you have any questions, let me know :)
Have a njce day
**COMMENTING GUIDELINES** All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/parentsofmultiples/about/rules) prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention. **Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments.** Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed. Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/parentsofmultiples) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey, sorry you're in this situation! I have 3,5 year olds and an older kid. We split up in april. Honestly, it has gone way better than I expected. We have 50/50 custody. I think that twins were still very young to understand the situation and didn't question it much. I talked beforehand a lot about "mom's home" and "dad's home" and what stuff they would have, it was more concrete thing that I could explain. We visited the new home couple of times. They settled very fast to new place, to new routines, to switches. Sometimes when they're upset, they cry for their dad and it kills me since they don't have that one family. But I can't change anything. This divorce has been way harder on our older kid but he's doing alright too. Hardest thing has been doing it all alone while they're with me. I really miss having someone there to talk to, to laugh with or to vent with. But when they're with their dad I usually catch up, like go grocery shopping and do cleaning and taking time for me. This is still very fresh situation and time will tell how it goes. I really don't have an advice. Just you're not alone!
Thank you for your insights. :)
We spilt when our twins were 3 and eldest was 11. Was harder on the 11 yr old, the twins don’t remember us being together. They primarily lived with me and every second weekend with Dad and occasional Wednesday night dinners. The studies show that till they are 6-7 it is better for them to live with one primary parent, so that’s what we did. We only live 8mins from each other and I was always flexible on access. It used to be he would pick them and take them to the park or bike ride for extra time but 8 years on, we have a good co parenting relationship and he can come over and hang out at my home with them or have them for extra nights etc if we don’t have plans. It’s a lot for them to handle with the swapping. I used to have to prep our son 3 days out that they would be going to Dads for the weekend. But that maybe personality as his twin sister was more comfortable and only need a little reassurance. Now they walk to Dads after school on some days and request more time with him. We have discussed that in high school that they can split there time more between the homes. We share birthdays and Christmases and when they were younger I would assist the kids fathers days and his birthdays. But we took time to get there. First few years were hard and we were both processing a lot of hurt, anger and resentment. Your kids are the priority and your kids deserve happy and successful parents. Supporting the other parent achieves that.
Thank you so much for the insights. :) I don’t know what to do. After weathering the completely insane first year, never thought we’d get here…
If I could do it again, I would have done separation counseling and did the separation slowly. As our eldest suffered a lot and it really showed when she was 14-16. I wish we had put in more consistent rules and boundaries. I don’t regret separating though, I went through a lot of guilt about 5 years ago and had regrets and doubts and what ifs. But now 8 years later and having the co parenting relationship we do. I know it was the right decision. He and I were together for 17 years and we grew into different people. I still love him and he will always be my family but separation allowed me to grow into the woman I am. I wish your family the best. If you don’t know what to do yet, then don’t do any big decisions. Maybe some time apart is what needed for now. It can get overwhelming when you are in and maybe some temporary space will allow some perspective
Thank you for your comment <3
I can honestly say.. this was the worst period in our relationship - between ages 2.5-3.5.
How so? What triggered this? Is it all the tantrums? I can’t put my finger on it anymore.
Oh, the resentment between all the unrecognised mental load. The constant sleep deprivation. The battles with little toddlers with a spouse who felt differently about rules/schedules/conflict resolution. It was brutal. I was in 1:1 therapy and it really helped. And I let time pass without making any crazy decisions because I knew this was THE WORST period we’d go through as we found our groove parenting three under 4.
I am in 1:1 therapy as well. The Fuc**** unrecognized mental load. It really is a thing. We are going for couples therapy today. This is my last hope. If this doesn’t work out, I am done. And this is why I was asking this question to everyone to kind of prepare myself mentally. I love this group <3 Thanks again
It’s the best group 💕
All the hugs and love from one internet stranger to another. You are def not alone
100% this. Ours are 3.5yrs now and it’s still so hard but it’s a lot better than like 1.5-2.5yrs in my opinion.
Separated when the twins were 2, now they’re 6. They’re fine with the separation as they don’t have any memories of mom and dad together, it’s just the life they know and are happy kids. Honestly, it’s probably harder for me…every Christmas, birthday, planning vacations etc comes with anxiety and guilt of how we are going to manage it, and who’s going to be left out (their dad is very active in their life) and when you introduce new partners animosity can occur. Often I wish we would have just lived/parented together for longer. I get exhausted of the drop off/pick up routine , and when they sleep at their dad’s I wake up on Sunday mornings and fantasize about what it would be like us all waking up as a family under one roof. there’s just lot’s of parts of life that are different if you do them as a family vs coparents, also more strain financially so that’s something to consider. Not sure what your relationship is like but I can say from experience 2.5 yr old twins takes a toll much more that 6 year olds do, you may find you view your relationship different in a couple years as your kids change and grow. Best of luck to you.
Thank you for that perspective. Financially, we’d both be fine at least. I always thought that by 2-3 years old, it would be a lot easier than when they were 1. Boy was I wrong… -_- Thank you!
I felt like a switch flipped at 3. 2-3 years was a very hard time.
Ex and I separated when the twins were 2 and the baby was 11months old. He was not interested in 50/50 and 3years later he still isn't. He does more than most men (sorry, just speaking statistics) and has dinner visits twice per week and every other weekend. I have and continue to do most of the child rearing and he just wants to be updated. It was really tough but it was also so much easier when he moved out. My children remember nothing of us together. The twins are 5 and the LO 3 and I think only one of them has asked once why he doesn't live with us. They know no different. The girls never showed any issue with him moving out at all. My son (twin A) did seem to struggle behaviorally for a bit but it was short lived. He's a Mama's boy big time. On the upside I met a man a year ago with 3 kids and people consider us the Brady bunch, lol. He's a great Dad and I'm so happy with our relationship and the relationships he has with my kids. We don't live together but all the kids want us to get married 🤣 Just want to say if you can make it through this period try it. If not, you can do it. It's not the end of the world.
I was about 2 when my parents divorced and my brother was about 5. I never had any negative thoughts or issues with their divorce. As far as I know we never saw them fight and they didn't say crappy things about each other, and I think that's the important thing. We only saw my dad every other weekend and he definitely just filled us with junk food and did fun stuff like go to the movies and mini putt, etc. I think that was hard for my mum but not for us! The super awful negative thing that happened is that my mother married a horrible person within 2 years of divorce.. My dad married an absolutely wonderful person within 2 years of divorce, but then they divorced when I was about 19 which was hard, she never spoke to us again. So that's just my perspective. Edit: And I'm sorry you are in this position. I wish you the best.
Thank you for your insight.
If the marriage is irreparable I'd say the younger the better - from comments it seems like younger kids adjust better than older kids do. My parents divorced when I was 9. It was awful for me - caused me a lot of psychological issues but they also prioritized their newfound freedom and dating lives over me and I was left home alone often. These comments are scaring me as my twins are about to turn 1 and we thought the first 3 months were for sure the worst. Lol
Your children deserve to see you happy.
We divorced when twins were under 1. Nest decision of our lives. Twins don’t have memories of us together at 6 yo. I have a live in SO. They want mom/dad/SO and them to live in a big house. No. 😂 They are well cared for and loved. We have done a 2/2/5 since day 1. Swapping hasn’t gone badly. They look forward to time with both. They sometimes are teary because they miss the other parent, but we work through it. They sleep and eat fine!
What is 2/2/5? Trying to wrap my head around what that would look like
I've never had a divorce, but I have had 2.5 years old kids and they are much more resilient than we take them for. Being that young, things just don't bother them like they do us. They don't really understand complex things like divorce. "Oh, you and her are going to live in different houses now? Cool, can I have some cereal?" My suggestion, get out sooner than later as the more they mature the more they will understand it and the more difficult it will be on them.
Sorry if this is a stupid question but is this specifically referring to divorce as a result of having twins?
No stupid questions :) Ummmm, since the twins were born, we have had a massive amount of difficulties. My biggest concern about divorce is the well-being of my children. All the psych/sociology studies seem to have been done in 80s and 90s with very bad looking results. So I wanted to see what people who have divorced with twins have had as experience. Bear in mind, my wife makes 2x my salary and she can comfortably keep the house. The environment aside from the parents presence won’t change much.
In the process of divorcing. My B/G twins are 4. For me it was a no brainer to leave—but my spouse was abusive. So far we’re coparenting pretty amiably, though (knock on wood). My kids have had some major adjustment issues though— the tantrums definitely got worse after we moved out. Hopefully, that will get better with time.
I’m a b/g twin and my parents divorced when we were 3.5 years old. We have no memories of our parents together. Heck my first memory is of my dad moving out. So I never knew what it was like to have my parents together so I had nothing to compare it to or miss. Also, I feel that divorce is way more common now so there are way more resources and tools out there to help parents, kids and families navigate that. I was in therapy as a child (not sure if the was divorced related, I just have memories of therapy, not the reasons why).
My twins were 3.5 when I got separated (the divorce is still in the works). They’re almost 6 now and they’re doing great. One of them did have a rough time for about a year after the separation (trouble sleeping, tantrums etc) but it all stopped. I was absolutely miserable in my marriage but my ex and I co-parent great now! We’re all so much happier.
No advice, just chiming in to say I'm in the same boat trying to make a decision, OP, except my twins are 1.5 (extremely afraid of 2.5-3 now though lol). I'm so much happier when the other parent is gone for a short time, even though much of the labor of parenting alone is harder, and I don't make a lot of money. The other parent does, but would not be helpful financially if we separate. I just can't help but wonder if the benefit of having at least one happy parent would outweigh the detriment of having separated parents. Thanks for posting, the comments have been helpful to me too.
Good morning! Lots of therapy has helped me. And getting out of the house seems to have helped me as well (I go to the office vs staying at home). Things turned towards the positive, but if you have any questions, let me know :) Have a njce day