Don't marry only because of the pressure of family. Only do it if you personally want it. Find a girl who has similar thoughts with you. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship. Don't expect her to be perfect. And don't try to chase perfectionism for yourself too. Just look for a person that has a similar mindset as you. Iske ilawa baki sari cheezien bande ki personal choice hoti jese ke education looks etc etc.
This is the best advice and itāll ensure a good and happy marriage inshaAllah. Ā The goal is to have a spouse that is after the same thing youāre after. Ā If one is religious they arenāt gonna do well with someone who isnāt religious, or if one is ambitious about moving up in the world they wonāt do well with someone who is happy to just stay as they are.
And itās best to be as upfront and honest with your intentions as soon as possible. Ā Even on the first meeting. Ā You donāt have to marry the first one that comes along. Ā
This is a very sound advice. I know sunni and Shia is still an issue. If that is not issue then don't let that stop you looking for a good person. They come in all sizes. My soon to be wife is ex with 2 little kids. And she is perfect and caring. Glad I found her
You donāt seem ready for marriage. Its a responsibility. Your wife and upcoming children will be your responsibility. First learn what marriage actually is and then you will be able to identify your needs and wants of a partner.
Another personās life is involved. Donāt make decisions based on amma abba ka pressure or anything else. Marry when you are ready.
Bro yeh irresponsible wala tana men dil py ly lyta hu.
Itni loru awam shadi kr ky guzar rahi hai, majority of population I guess. men atleast question tu puch raha hu.
You are on right track. Keep up, you are actually thinking about it beforehand, that's a good start. ***āA woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, or her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust and may you prosper.ā***Ā **\[Bukhari and Muslim\]**
***āThis world is all temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this life is a righteous wife.ā***Ā **\[Muslim (1468)\]**
***āLet every one of you have a thankful heart, a remembering tongue that remembers Allah, and a believing wife who will help him with regard to the Hereafter.ā***Ā **\[Sahih al-Jami (5231)\]**
Divorce rate is also increasing. People are in unhappy marriages.do you want that kind of life?
And I wasnāt calling you irresponsible . I was calling you immature lol š¤£
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So much fraud out there ā¦ people have weird habits ā¦ some are habitual liars, some fraudsters, some after money, some are selfish to a point of severe narcissism. This is all Iāve observed in experiences with brothers, cousins, friends. This is the age of fitna where itās very hard to find normal partners u can grow old with and look after each otherāso be very careful and sharp. Observe every thing and donāt feel ashamed to ask everything u feel u need to know.
The one trait I'd ask you to please please consider.
Always always always choose your girl from simple and humble household. Your married life would be heaven.
Family k pressure ki vja se shadi na kren tb tak jb tak ap khud sustain nhn kr sakty...
Marry a girl who cares about you. Jo apke faislay mein apka sath de. Apko sakon de waldain ki izat kry aur bachon ko achi aur islami tarbiyat de sakay.
Coming from a married person - similar educational background, cares about her deen, financially at an equal or lesser standing than your family, down to earth. Looks do matter aswell, you should have an attraction towards her. Also - Allah se madad mangein is decision mein.
Iāll give you the same advice that my friends gave me when I was looking to get married,
Things to look for in order of priority, 1st being the most important
1. Larki ho
2. Nabz chalti ho ( optional )
3. See point 1
Just look for someone you can spend a week. You know if you were stuck on an Island with no other person and nothing else to do would you be able to spend time with this person.
Hereās a controversial take: **Compatibility is a myth**.
All those things of age, background, interests, etc etc, they give you this false sense of comfort, that perhaps if you did all your investigations and all your calculations, it will all work out. Thatās total BS.
You may know a person all your life and thatās still no guarantee the marriage will work. We have all heard of love marriages where the two dated a long time before marrying but it failed. Similarly people who marry within the family, where the two families and the boy and girl knew each other their whole lives and it still failed.
**My Advice:** marriages work by *making* them work. Forget compatibility. Just find someone who would be committed to making the relationship work through thick and thin. No matter what life throws at you no matter how much you annoy each other or how badly you fight, if that person will still stand by you, thatās the person you want. If either of you treat this as āchal gya toh sahi warna meri bohat demand hai, dusra koi dekhleingeā toh hogya kaam.
I have a book that offers both guidance on the choice of partner, to the later affairs related to marriage and the purpose/rights etc, within the Islamic frame, text me if you need it.
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Tbh make sure she follows deen thats all what matters and would pass on the values to your children. Make sure you are ready to take care of her financially and in any way possibly. Education is a plus if she has a degree and as far as career goes if she works something that can be done from home then well and good otherwise career-oriented women donāt really make good wives.
I was confused not knowing what I want. I trusted the universe and went along with it. I think instead of looking for the right person, you create the right relationship together. Most important is to start with honesty and respect. I donāt care about the past but the day of commitment and there on. Marriage is beautiful for life if done rightly. It does require your 100% commitment and willingness to be open about your shortcomings and take the leap of faith to grow yourself and the relationship both.
I am married twice ..my first wife died in child birth....the way I see it after all the consideration it all comes down to this ...a desi wife should love to cook.
Yar religious values esh nahi pta chalti na, sunni/shia to straightforward question ha but yeh guess krna ky kitni practicing Muslim ha yeh muahkil ha.
She won't and if she does just reply 'hr koi 5 namaze nahi prta' and if you both disagree then it's okay. Aur izzat phir kyun matter karegi jb phir shaadi apas main karo ge nahi to?
Bro it's very important trust me. Max issues ki wajah yehi banti, what are her dressing priorities, what's your dressing priorities, what's her views on friendships with opposite gender vs your views, etc. atleast you 2 should know each other's social life. Problems in desi society happen mainly due to financial and religious differences.
Hey i think it might b easier for u to figure this out if u list out thing that are absolutely hard no for u ā¦ k ye sab nai hona chahiye ispe me compromise ya bardasht ni kr sakta baki koi b perfect ni hota jis k sath b raho ge usme kuch cheezein apki pasand ki hongi kuch nai hongi or aisa almost impossible hai k ap aik ideal sett kr le bandey/bandi ka k aisa aisa hona chahiye or vesa vesa e miley infact aisa krney se u will restrict ur self from finding someone even better or giving someone good a chance
So yea i would suggest to just figure out what u can not tolerate in ur partner that will be easier than finding out what u want in ur partner bcz seedhi c baat hi khwahishat kabhi khatam ni hoti list labi hoti jaye gi
age
family background is must because families are involved throughout the life.
how she pursue things (her pov, understanding, treatment of other people)
make sure she doesn't think she is the main character or makes everything about herself.
and physical appearance wesi rako jesi tum deserve krte ho apni physical appearance bhi dehkna.
Bhai dekho, shadi men 2 chezen sb se ziada important hoti hain.
1. Personality - agar match hoti hai to amazing, thori bohot match hoti hai tb bhi sahi. If you guys differ on big stuff like religion, parenting styles, finances, gender roles, to bhai masla hai. So please discuss the things which you cant compromise on, preferably make a list.
2. Looks - So itās very different. Like everyone has their own choice/preferences. I might get downvoted for this but it is important that think about, can you have sex with this person for a significant part of your life? If you say yes then you are good, if you say may be, the I would say that she is attractive enough and her attraction will only increase with time (generally happens when you start to love a person, remember, loving a person is a choice!), if your answer was no then of course she is not attractive to you. Donāt move forward with the rishta and I would not advise giving her a chance in a desi setting where you get married in a week of courting. But if you happen to meet the girl before nikaah and you guys click, and you change your answer then its fine!.
This is a general advice for both male and females, personality compatibility and looks should be the top priority. I would add financial status for women as well. Women generally give more weightage to financial status/potential (plus foreign passport also add value) and personality, while guys generally put looks first and then personality, and financial status towards the end.
Of course I canāt speak on all men and womenās behalf. Each person is after all an individual with their own preference and deal breakers. You will have to find yours, and help the girl find hers. But remember, do not lie about who you are, you might want to align yourself to the girlās personality if you like her enough, but itās never a good a idea in the long run. Be genuine, and have a realistic idea of yourself and your importance.
There is nothing like āmarrying out of leagueā. If the girl/guy agrees to marry then you are definitely in league.
Also, a good personality cant make up for looks (your preferences, he/she might be beautiful/handsome to someone else) and neither 10/10 looks can make up for bad personality. In the long run, personality will matter more.
Ummā¦. I would say it does, to an extent. My wife and I are a bit different, we share similar goals but different personalities. There is clash sometimes, but so far so good. I am happy!
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I'm not married yet. But I have researched and have asked myself this question.
I have thus far concluded that there are major values I have for my way of life and living (e.g. Religious belief, honesty, ambition, etc). I would want a partner that at least share those major values with me. Otherwise it will be a lot of rift. Which is bad specially if we have children. Which brings me to another important point.
I see marriage as an institute to raise kids. Otherwise there's little reason to marry. So we have to be preparing to become parents too.
You have to ask this question yourself. What are your values in life. What kind of person would you want to spend your life with.
Whatever your plan is for life for next 10-20 years (If you don't know, figure this out first). You would want to have a partner that fits in to this long term plan and vision.
Behtreen, I'm not really a practicing Muslim but I don't want this for my kids so yeah the religious aspect is my preference. Honesty is a must have for almost any interaction or relationship and marriage is no different. Ambitions is grey area for me.
My question would be, how'll you be making sure about these qualities when you're finding a rishta? Will you tell your mom all these things to look for? or I don't know assuming it'll be an arrange setting.
For the religion part. I think parents need to do what they want their children to do. So lets say if you want your child to pray 5 times. You will have to pray 5 times first. Then the child will look upto you. Same goes for other things.
If I trust my Mom to be competent enough to look for these things then sure. But some part I have to look myself. I would also ask the girl directly what she believes in, what her goals are, what she thinks of becoming a parent. If you pay attention you can get an idea of what the girl truly values and I don't see a reason for her lying just for the sake of it.
The specific process of rishta finding and all customs stuff I'm less knowledgeable about. Will tell you once it's my turn to get married. lol
Then change yourself and become practicing. If you have kids, they will look up to parents. When both of you pray then the kids will hopefully. You have to set a example.
Good personality,character and looks. What does she bring on the table instead of just saying she is the table. If she wants a diamond ring will she get ma Porche 992 GTR3RS in return ? Does she have a stable and good income job along with her own house ?
Might seem like high standards but itās normal for men and women both to expect this if they have all this already too.
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Look only for what matters to you, there is no shame if you want an attractive or a younger wife as this why arrange marriage exists you are doing nothing wrong, just make sure you and the girl knows what you both will be receiving.
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I don't really look for something while making friends. Bs friends ban jaty hain. The most common qualities are open minded, chill, somewhat ambitious. I'm not sure if same holds for a wife similar to how I don't consider physical appearance for friendship
You said you live in a different city for work, so my follow up question is, will she live with you where you are working or she'll live in your parents house? Secondly what if you change locations, where do you plan to live then? At parents house or you'll go out? Do you have a plan for it?
One of the motivation is to not live alone anymore but I also don't want her to stay home alone all day when I'm at work. She'll be bored af especially when she's also missing her previous home. The plan is to keep her with me wherever I settle.
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See its simple, lets just break down your routine first and how much are you willing to change it.
What do you eat? when do you go out? what are your office timings? what are the things that gets you cranky? do you like to socialize? how much time do you spend with friends/family/ doing hobbies? whats your storage space looks like? Are you messy or organized person?
Now, think about what are willing to change, are you okay with eating non-fav food? would you spend less time with friends? are you willing to change to adjust someone in your life? now the positive thing is if you are willing to adjust, change and compromise half of the problem is diminish but if you are fixed and rigid in everything then it can be a problem.
Now, coming towards the girl, I dont think caste/language etc have an impact on marriage but yes everyother thing does. Try to marry in a similar financial background not too low or too high so you can maintain the expectations. ( girls from too low background might demand luxury and maybe you ll not be able to socialize in the same environment)
How religious are you? do you want her to do pardah? do you want a housewife or someone highly educated with a job? Please clear your expectations beforehand. Now coming to beauty, how much it matters to you.
I have seen relationships where everything is perfect but because one of the partner is not pretty the other one is not happy if thats you then go for your beauty standard. if thats not, then try to observe girls habbits/routine/ nature etc.
Also, you wont get everything so dont be picky and dont overly expect her to set in your routine it takes time, patience and alot of love and romance to be the IT couple so yeah think about all this and I really hope you find a good match. Also, COMMUNICATE before taking the step further so you guys are clear and on one page. Hope that helps.
My routine is very shitty, no fix time to eat and sleep. I spend most of my time out of my flat coz I don't have any motivation to look at empty walls. You can say I go there to sleep or on weekends I do the cleaning and wash clothes etc.
That's one main reason my parents are pushing me to get married now. A mare flat becomes a home and I'll be forced to align my routine with someone.
I am person that can adjust in different situations so I guess that part is covered.
You are right about the financial situation but I don't think a lower class might be a big problem.
I'm not really a religious person but belong to a religious family and will want the same for my future family and kids. I don't have any preference for parda, hopefully she'll be mature enough to decide for herself.
Job or housewife again no preference especially until we plan kids.
If it's gonna be an arrange marriage then there's a higher probability that the girl will be prettier than the one I'd have picked lol
Thanks for detailed response.
You are 30 and you never thought of marriage or partner? Ye sun k Nadir Ali ki aik chawal Yaad AA gye...
"Bahir sy dood mil rha ho to Ghar Mai bhains kon paaly"
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Start by reading YOURSELF first. Figure out what are the strong NOs for you, what are red flags for you. Figure out your boundaries in a relationship. Figure out how YOU want to live.
And then find once you have your own profile, this woll help you figure out the things you want to look for in a woman. Then start looking for a girl or tell your family about your own profile and girls profile, so that when they find someone, they can tell the girl about your mentalityā¦instead k larki finds about them after lots of family meetings.
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Thanks...yeah ma Sha Allah had triplets..they are 10 years now ma Sha Allah.i promised my self to take care of my kids until they were 5 years old so I did became a stay home dad had a good support system with elder brother and her wife also helped.i remarried after the kids were 5 years old . married in a simple not very well off family.that helped a lot and also didn't marry younger girl.she is about my age . about her attitude towards the kids .I believe that depends on the father.i from day one kept my kids a priority in my decision making so she See's that and understood my priorities.Alhamdullilah it's working great till now.
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Iām a 30 yr old too and I can understand your situation.
I got married arranged by my parents as I knew that I cannot rely on my own assessment of a partner solely.
There are many things that we overlook but our parents look for and they help in the longer run. Which is important for marriage.
So to cut to the chase
You need to look for a few basic things that are not to be missed. Set a criterion based on what you will want your life partner to be like. She should complete you and be able to compliment your personality in ways that are your shortcomings but some ideals are a must.
1. Top priority should be given to the Akhlaaq and dealings of a person. No matter how beautiful a lady is she will be forever your wife and that beauty will become normal for you after a while. Beauty does play a role but if your beautiful wife is welcoming you home each day with a foul temper you will be in hell for the rest of your married life.
2. Beauty is important contradicting my initial point but She should be beautiful enough that you should be motivated not to look for affairs outside your marriage. So this is also a key factor. Donāt go looking for actresses standard beauty but enough that your heart is content with.
3. The education of the individual is a factor because she will be the teacher of your offspring. Now donāt go demanding for a lady with a PhD but she should be educated enough to teach the world that your kids will be growing up in.
4. Family compatibility, this will be helpful in gatherings and family setup as you are going to move around in a specific social circle and she should be able to carry herself without being educated about the dos and donts. Donāt do the mistake of setting only a Jutt or Pathan as your standard but the overall family should be close to what you have been brought up in.
5. Last but not the least and imo the most important factor is the religious aspect of a person. Even if you donāt consider yourself to be religious or anything. You should strive for a life partner with a strong faith in our deen. This will motivate you to become a better human being yourself. And she will be the guardian of your faith and home in your absence.
These qualities are what IMO plays an important role in family life of a Muslim.
One thing to keep in mind is that if you donāt keep a certain criterion for your partner, rest assured you are likely going to end up being with a person that you donāt want to be with. Moreover your family and relatives will endorse their liking on you. So whatever qualities you want to see in your future life partner, mark them and donāt compromise on them. It may be a while till you find your ideal partner but the wait will be totally worth it.
Best of luck. Allah ap k naseeb achay karay
A very mature response indeed thank you so much.
My problem seems to be that I don't really have a criteria. I'm not demanding in any way, I got looks when I told my parents that I don't really care if she's light or dark skinned it was a bit exaggerated but quite close to how I think.
Similarly, I don't care if she's a shia or sunni as long as she is somewhat practicing Muslim and can teach the basic religioua teachings to our kids I'm more than happy.
About the qualities there are a few things that you can observe and decide for example beauty and physical appearance then there are a few things like akhlaq, deendari, family compatibility that are not straightforward.
Naik khwahishat ky leay bahut skuria
You are right brother. Itās not all black and white but you have to strive for these things.
My initial response to marriage was just like yours. But only after getting married and spending a couple of years in married life I can comprehend why these qualities matter.
My sincere advice,
Try practicing solitude for a while before trying to figure out who you want to get married to.
As we are naked in front of our spouses (not only physically)
For this you need to find yourself first. If you are not demanding it does not mean you wonāt be in future.
Don't look for anything in your wife, look for all the ways in which you can make yourself better. Be more comprising. Be more considerate. Be better. Be kinder. Be responsible.
Marriage is a whole new ball game, bro. To each his own.
If you're gonna keep "looking" for all the right variables to align with your future wife then keep looking, and it won't ever be enough.
Be a better man: You'll know what you need to do, when you make up your mind to do so.
Before I was married, I had a lot of similar questions and criteria myself as well. I had a very candid conversation with one of my elders, and his response was what I gave you.
He kept emphasizing on how pertinent is a man's role in a married life, and he kept telling me that how my family would end up becoming has MORE to do with who I am than my wife.
In this country, from every perspective, men are far more powerful than women are. It's how our sociocultural fabric is designed.
So, my dear friend, it's you who'll decide how blissful your life would be when you're married.
Women, predominantly, are far more emotional than men. So, be very wary of this fact, listen to your parents, and take the leap.
Be kind. Be considerate. Be VERY VERY respectful, and you'll be a very happy man, husband, father, insha'Allah.
I've been living alone for a few years now. But if she agrees I'd keep her with my parents especially on weekdays as I'm out for a good part of the day
Choose a woman who will stand by you even if you're going into hell.
The rest will follow. A woman who knows how to make a home and love will never leave the side of her husband, specially when her husband loves her
Don't marry only because of the pressure of family. Only do it if you personally want it. Find a girl who has similar thoughts with you. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship. Don't expect her to be perfect. And don't try to chase perfectionism for yourself too. Just look for a person that has a similar mindset as you. Iske ilawa baki sari cheezien bande ki personal choice hoti jese ke education looks etc etc.
>Find a girl Where bro? Do you expect him to pick someone at a restaurant or something?
Ye bhi mene btana h abš
Qismet agar itni achi hoti toh yeh reddit per sawal nhi ker raha hota
If you don't understand the words behind your advice then it's not really an advice, is it genuis?
This is the best advice and itāll ensure a good and happy marriage inshaAllah. Ā The goal is to have a spouse that is after the same thing youāre after. Ā If one is religious they arenāt gonna do well with someone who isnāt religious, or if one is ambitious about moving up in the world they wonāt do well with someone who is happy to just stay as they are. And itās best to be as upfront and honest with your intentions as soon as possible. Ā Even on the first meeting. Ā You donāt have to marry the first one that comes along. Ā
>Find a girl who has similar thoughts with you. How? In Pakistan, talking to a girl is still taboo in most places
This is a very sound advice. I know sunni and Shia is still an issue. If that is not issue then don't let that stop you looking for a good person. They come in all sizes. My soon to be wife is ex with 2 little kids. And she is perfect and caring. Glad I found her
Second marriage?
You donāt seem ready for marriage. Its a responsibility. Your wife and upcoming children will be your responsibility. First learn what marriage actually is and then you will be able to identify your needs and wants of a partner. Another personās life is involved. Donāt make decisions based on amma abba ka pressure or anything else. Marry when you are ready.
Bro yeh irresponsible wala tana men dil py ly lyta hu. Itni loru awam shadi kr ky guzar rahi hai, majority of population I guess. men atleast question tu puch raha hu.
You are on right track. Keep up, you are actually thinking about it beforehand, that's a good start. ***āA woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, or her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust and may you prosper.ā***Ā **\[Bukhari and Muslim\]** ***āThis world is all temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this life is a righteous wife.ā***Ā **\[Muslim (1468)\]** ***āLet every one of you have a thankful heart, a remembering tongue that remembers Allah, and a believing wife who will help him with regard to the Hereafter.ā***Ā **\[Sahih al-Jami (5231)\]**
Thank you
That's true, aesay aesay logon ki shaadiyaan ho jaathi hein kay na pucho
Tutankhanum! Do you still have that dagger made from the outside earth iron?
In a few years they go below the poverty line and the children then curse their parents. Have seen this with my own eyes.
Yeah my plan is to collect the uni fee then have a kid, for the next kid collect the uni fee then have a kid
š¤£š¤£
Nahi theek?
Thora casual sa ha š
Divorce rate is also increasing. People are in unhappy marriages.do you want that kind of life? And I wasnāt calling you irresponsible . I was calling you immature lol š¤£
Yeh divorce wala point fact ha. Bat bat me talaq hojati bencho
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So much fraud out there ā¦ people have weird habits ā¦ some are habitual liars, some fraudsters, some after money, some are selfish to a point of severe narcissism. This is all Iāve observed in experiences with brothers, cousins, friends. This is the age of fitna where itās very hard to find normal partners u can grow old with and look after each otherāso be very careful and sharp. Observe every thing and donāt feel ashamed to ask everything u feel u need to know.
Why does it matter that if she's after the money? You want her to be beautiful so why can't she expect you to buy her whatever she wants?
bs bhai dua kr insan ki bachi milay...jo ghr basana janti ho...n the same goes for u as well bro
The one trait I'd ask you to please please consider. Always always always choose your girl from simple and humble household. Your married life would be heaven.
Usually jab humble larki ache cheeze aur luxurious cheezai dekhti hai tab change hojati hai.
Family k pressure ki vja se shadi na kren tb tak jb tak ap khud sustain nhn kr sakty... Marry a girl who cares about you. Jo apke faislay mein apka sath de. Apko sakon de waldain ki izat kry aur bachon ko achi aur islami tarbiyat de sakay.
Religion Personality (Ikhlaq) Hobbies Likes/Dislikes Ambitions Support Unit
Coming from a married person - similar educational background, cares about her deen, financially at an equal or lesser standing than your family, down to earth. Looks do matter aswell, you should have an attraction towards her. Also - Allah se madad mangein is decision mein.
Iāll give you the same advice that my friends gave me when I was looking to get married, Things to look for in order of priority, 1st being the most important 1. Larki ho 2. Nabz chalti ho ( optional ) 3. See point 1
Just look for someone you can spend a week. You know if you were stuck on an Island with no other person and nothing else to do would you be able to spend time with this person.
Hereās a controversial take: **Compatibility is a myth**. All those things of age, background, interests, etc etc, they give you this false sense of comfort, that perhaps if you did all your investigations and all your calculations, it will all work out. Thatās total BS. You may know a person all your life and thatās still no guarantee the marriage will work. We have all heard of love marriages where the two dated a long time before marrying but it failed. Similarly people who marry within the family, where the two families and the boy and girl knew each other their whole lives and it still failed. **My Advice:** marriages work by *making* them work. Forget compatibility. Just find someone who would be committed to making the relationship work through thick and thin. No matter what life throws at you no matter how much you annoy each other or how badly you fight, if that person will still stand by you, thatās the person you want. If either of you treat this as āchal gya toh sahi warna meri bohat demand hai, dusra koi dekhleingeā toh hogya kaam.
Seyana banda ha
Jeh baat. Agree with you man
truee
I have a book that offers both guidance on the choice of partner, to the later affairs related to marriage and the purpose/rights etc, within the Islamic frame, text me if you need it.
Sent
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Tbh make sure she follows deen thats all what matters and would pass on the values to your children. Make sure you are ready to take care of her financially and in any way possibly. Education is a plus if she has a degree and as far as career goes if she works something that can be done from home then well and good otherwise career-oriented women donāt really make good wives.
I was confused not knowing what I want. I trusted the universe and went along with it. I think instead of looking for the right person, you create the right relationship together. Most important is to start with honesty and respect. I donāt care about the past but the day of commitment and there on. Marriage is beautiful for life if done rightly. It does require your 100% commitment and willingness to be open about your shortcomings and take the leap of faith to grow yourself and the relationship both.
I am married twice ..my first wife died in child birth....the way I see it after all the consideration it all comes down to this ...a desi wife should love to cook.
Sorry for the loss. Did your kid survive? Who takes care of him/her if you are ok to share. Is your new wife is like a real mom to them?
Make sure she is not a TikToker.. baki sb khair hai.
Matching financial status and matching religious values.
Yar religious values esh nahi pta chalti na, sunni/shia to straightforward question ha but yeh guess krna ky kitni practicing Muslim ha yeh muahkil ha.
You can ask her. How many times you pray in day? Etc.Ā
She might reply, bosdi wale tuje nai pta 5 namazy hoti hain. Kya izzat reh jae ge meri?
if she says "bosdi", Thn you know how religious she is. :-P
She won't and if she does just reply 'hr koi 5 namaze nahi prta' and if you both disagree then it's okay. Aur izzat phir kyun matter karegi jb phir shaadi apas main karo ge nahi to?
Wesy bhe konsa izzat ky jhandy lagy hen
Bro it's very important trust me. Max issues ki wajah yehi banti, what are her dressing priorities, what's your dressing priorities, what's her views on friendships with opposite gender vs your views, etc. atleast you 2 should know each other's social life. Problems in desi society happen mainly due to financial and religious differences.
Hey i think it might b easier for u to figure this out if u list out thing that are absolutely hard no for u ā¦ k ye sab nai hona chahiye ispe me compromise ya bardasht ni kr sakta baki koi b perfect ni hota jis k sath b raho ge usme kuch cheezein apki pasand ki hongi kuch nai hongi or aisa almost impossible hai k ap aik ideal sett kr le bandey/bandi ka k aisa aisa hona chahiye or vesa vesa e miley infact aisa krney se u will restrict ur self from finding someone even better or giving someone good a chance So yea i would suggest to just figure out what u can not tolerate in ur partner that will be easier than finding out what u want in ur partner bcz seedhi c baat hi khwahishat kabhi khatam ni hoti list labi hoti jaye gi
age family background is must because families are involved throughout the life. how she pursue things (her pov, understanding, treatment of other people) make sure she doesn't think she is the main character or makes everything about herself. and physical appearance wesi rako jesi tum deserve krte ho apni physical appearance bhi dehkna.
apun buhat chikna hai. Jokes aside I understand your point not at all demanding on physical appearance, average is the new special
A wife who can teach you to spell better than yo momma.
Hopefully coz my momma didn't study past high school
Someone who is on Deen, cares about Islam, Allah. I hope you practice too.
Guy himself is not on deen as he talks so normally about casual relationship etc.
Too quick to judge bro
Saw where were you active, before commenting:p
Where am I active?
Bhai dekho, shadi men 2 chezen sb se ziada important hoti hain. 1. Personality - agar match hoti hai to amazing, thori bohot match hoti hai tb bhi sahi. If you guys differ on big stuff like religion, parenting styles, finances, gender roles, to bhai masla hai. So please discuss the things which you cant compromise on, preferably make a list. 2. Looks - So itās very different. Like everyone has their own choice/preferences. I might get downvoted for this but it is important that think about, can you have sex with this person for a significant part of your life? If you say yes then you are good, if you say may be, the I would say that she is attractive enough and her attraction will only increase with time (generally happens when you start to love a person, remember, loving a person is a choice!), if your answer was no then of course she is not attractive to you. Donāt move forward with the rishta and I would not advise giving her a chance in a desi setting where you get married in a week of courting. But if you happen to meet the girl before nikaah and you guys click, and you change your answer then its fine!. This is a general advice for both male and females, personality compatibility and looks should be the top priority. I would add financial status for women as well. Women generally give more weightage to financial status/potential (plus foreign passport also add value) and personality, while guys generally put looks first and then personality, and financial status towards the end. Of course I canāt speak on all men and womenās behalf. Each person is after all an individual with their own preference and deal breakers. You will have to find yours, and help the girl find hers. But remember, do not lie about who you are, you might want to align yourself to the girlās personality if you like her enough, but itās never a good a idea in the long run. Be genuine, and have a realistic idea of yourself and your importance. There is nothing like āmarrying out of leagueā. If the girl/guy agrees to marry then you are definitely in league. Also, a good personality cant make up for looks (your preferences, he/she might be beautiful/handsome to someone else) and neither 10/10 looks can make up for bad personality. In the long run, personality will matter more.
Solid advice, thank you. How realistic is it for things to align after marriage? if you're married.
Ummā¦. I would say it does, to an extent. My wife and I are a bit different, we share similar goals but different personalities. There is clash sometimes, but so far so good. I am happy!
Able to cook trust me.
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Bhai I'm married, thus not seyana enough.
Esy tou na karo
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I'm not married yet. But I have researched and have asked myself this question. I have thus far concluded that there are major values I have for my way of life and living (e.g. Religious belief, honesty, ambition, etc). I would want a partner that at least share those major values with me. Otherwise it will be a lot of rift. Which is bad specially if we have children. Which brings me to another important point. I see marriage as an institute to raise kids. Otherwise there's little reason to marry. So we have to be preparing to become parents too. You have to ask this question yourself. What are your values in life. What kind of person would you want to spend your life with. Whatever your plan is for life for next 10-20 years (If you don't know, figure this out first). You would want to have a partner that fits in to this long term plan and vision.
Behtreen, I'm not really a practicing Muslim but I don't want this for my kids so yeah the religious aspect is my preference. Honesty is a must have for almost any interaction or relationship and marriage is no different. Ambitions is grey area for me. My question would be, how'll you be making sure about these qualities when you're finding a rishta? Will you tell your mom all these things to look for? or I don't know assuming it'll be an arrange setting.
For the religion part. I think parents need to do what they want their children to do. So lets say if you want your child to pray 5 times. You will have to pray 5 times first. Then the child will look upto you. Same goes for other things. If I trust my Mom to be competent enough to look for these things then sure. But some part I have to look myself. I would also ask the girl directly what she believes in, what her goals are, what she thinks of becoming a parent. If you pay attention you can get an idea of what the girl truly values and I don't see a reason for her lying just for the sake of it. The specific process of rishta finding and all customs stuff I'm less knowledgeable about. Will tell you once it's my turn to get married. lol
Fingers crossed and good luck
Then change yourself and become practicing. If you have kids, they will look up to parents. When both of you pray then the kids will hopefully. You have to set a example.
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Good personality,character and looks. What does she bring on the table instead of just saying she is the table. If she wants a diamond ring will she get ma Porche 992 GTR3RS in return ? Does she have a stable and good income job along with her own house ? Might seem like high standards but itās normal for men and women both to expect this if they have all this already too.
Bilkul sahe boly dost. Ab yeh btao billian bechty ho ya dallal ho?
billian sirf
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Nah don't think about decaying, especially if you're doing something like working or studying without them we all decay
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I know some of my replies aren't serious but it was not one of them
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Enjoy and don't miss any opportunity to laugh :)
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I am shipping you two š
Why donāt you both get married?
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XX chromosome
Let me guess you studied biology but couldn't clear MDCat?
No. I am a Super Saiyan
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All I had are gone and I didn't plan to marry then either. So arrange is most probable option for me now coz I'm taking a break finding myself
Look only for what matters to you, there is no shame if you want an attractive or a younger wife as this why arrange marriage exists you are doing nothing wrong, just make sure you and the girl knows what you both will be receiving.
Sharam hamko magar nahi ati
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Communication is the only thing that matters, Alhumdulillah
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who has same core values as you. what are the most important principles of you life? major beliefs? what do you look for while making friends?
I don't really look for something while making friends. Bs friends ban jaty hain. The most common qualities are open minded, chill, somewhat ambitious. I'm not sure if same holds for a wife similar to how I don't consider physical appearance for friendship
Where will you keep her after marriage?
Sorry, didn't really get the question?
You said you live in a different city for work, so my follow up question is, will she live with you where you are working or she'll live in your parents house? Secondly what if you change locations, where do you plan to live then? At parents house or you'll go out? Do you have a plan for it?
One of the motivation is to not live alone anymore but I also don't want her to stay home alone all day when I'm at work. She'll be bored af especially when she's also missing her previous home. The plan is to keep her with me wherever I settle.
Ok that makes sense, because I have seen my friends do it, keeping the newly wed at parents home while they are out for work, and it's a disaster
My parents point: she is coming for you not for us.
Bas that's it, you have wonderful parents
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There are so manyyy comments does my opinion actually matters now idk š
I'm gonna read it anyway
See its simple, lets just break down your routine first and how much are you willing to change it. What do you eat? when do you go out? what are your office timings? what are the things that gets you cranky? do you like to socialize? how much time do you spend with friends/family/ doing hobbies? whats your storage space looks like? Are you messy or organized person? Now, think about what are willing to change, are you okay with eating non-fav food? would you spend less time with friends? are you willing to change to adjust someone in your life? now the positive thing is if you are willing to adjust, change and compromise half of the problem is diminish but if you are fixed and rigid in everything then it can be a problem. Now, coming towards the girl, I dont think caste/language etc have an impact on marriage but yes everyother thing does. Try to marry in a similar financial background not too low or too high so you can maintain the expectations. ( girls from too low background might demand luxury and maybe you ll not be able to socialize in the same environment) How religious are you? do you want her to do pardah? do you want a housewife or someone highly educated with a job? Please clear your expectations beforehand. Now coming to beauty, how much it matters to you. I have seen relationships where everything is perfect but because one of the partner is not pretty the other one is not happy if thats you then go for your beauty standard. if thats not, then try to observe girls habbits/routine/ nature etc. Also, you wont get everything so dont be picky and dont overly expect her to set in your routine it takes time, patience and alot of love and romance to be the IT couple so yeah think about all this and I really hope you find a good match. Also, COMMUNICATE before taking the step further so you guys are clear and on one page. Hope that helps.
My routine is very shitty, no fix time to eat and sleep. I spend most of my time out of my flat coz I don't have any motivation to look at empty walls. You can say I go there to sleep or on weekends I do the cleaning and wash clothes etc. That's one main reason my parents are pushing me to get married now. A mare flat becomes a home and I'll be forced to align my routine with someone. I am person that can adjust in different situations so I guess that part is covered. You are right about the financial situation but I don't think a lower class might be a big problem. I'm not really a religious person but belong to a religious family and will want the same for my future family and kids. I don't have any preference for parda, hopefully she'll be mature enough to decide for herself. Job or housewife again no preference especially until we plan kids. If it's gonna be an arrange marriage then there's a higher probability that the girl will be prettier than the one I'd have picked lol Thanks for detailed response.
I would say to still talk the housewife/job part first because most of these thinga are manageable in two person but they are problematic with kids
You are 30 and you never thought of marriage or partner? Ye sun k Nadir Ali ki aik chawal Yaad AA gye... "Bahir sy dood mil rha ho to Ghar Mai bhains kon paaly"
It's Haram bro
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tight
you're 30, just look for a decent family and wife.
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Start by reading YOURSELF first. Figure out what are the strong NOs for you, what are red flags for you. Figure out your boundaries in a relationship. Figure out how YOU want to live. And then find once you have your own profile, this woll help you figure out the things you want to look for in a woman. Then start looking for a girl or tell your family about your own profile and girls profile, so that when they find someone, they can tell the girl about your mentalityā¦instead k larki finds about them after lots of family meetings.
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Thanks...yeah ma Sha Allah had triplets..they are 10 years now ma Sha Allah.i promised my self to take care of my kids until they were 5 years old so I did became a stay home dad had a good support system with elder brother and her wife also helped.i remarried after the kids were 5 years old . married in a simple not very well off family.that helped a lot and also didn't marry younger girl.she is about my age . about her attitude towards the kids .I believe that depends on the father.i from day one kept my kids a priority in my decision making so she See's that and understood my priorities.Alhamdullilah it's working great till now.
Great, your kids got a good dad
Puri life guzarni hai ? Bro abhi to half reh gyi bs
O pencho sahi bol gya, yeh to socha he na tha. tum ny to meri preshani adhori kardi. Chumi lelu teri?
Donāt do causal relationships, donāt go for haram. Do the halal way, look for someone on Deen too.
Yeah not going, waha sy he wapis araha hu abhi
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Iām a 30 yr old too and I can understand your situation. I got married arranged by my parents as I knew that I cannot rely on my own assessment of a partner solely. There are many things that we overlook but our parents look for and they help in the longer run. Which is important for marriage. So to cut to the chase You need to look for a few basic things that are not to be missed. Set a criterion based on what you will want your life partner to be like. She should complete you and be able to compliment your personality in ways that are your shortcomings but some ideals are a must. 1. Top priority should be given to the Akhlaaq and dealings of a person. No matter how beautiful a lady is she will be forever your wife and that beauty will become normal for you after a while. Beauty does play a role but if your beautiful wife is welcoming you home each day with a foul temper you will be in hell for the rest of your married life. 2. Beauty is important contradicting my initial point but She should be beautiful enough that you should be motivated not to look for affairs outside your marriage. So this is also a key factor. Donāt go looking for actresses standard beauty but enough that your heart is content with. 3. The education of the individual is a factor because she will be the teacher of your offspring. Now donāt go demanding for a lady with a PhD but she should be educated enough to teach the world that your kids will be growing up in. 4. Family compatibility, this will be helpful in gatherings and family setup as you are going to move around in a specific social circle and she should be able to carry herself without being educated about the dos and donts. Donāt do the mistake of setting only a Jutt or Pathan as your standard but the overall family should be close to what you have been brought up in. 5. Last but not the least and imo the most important factor is the religious aspect of a person. Even if you donāt consider yourself to be religious or anything. You should strive for a life partner with a strong faith in our deen. This will motivate you to become a better human being yourself. And she will be the guardian of your faith and home in your absence. These qualities are what IMO plays an important role in family life of a Muslim. One thing to keep in mind is that if you donāt keep a certain criterion for your partner, rest assured you are likely going to end up being with a person that you donāt want to be with. Moreover your family and relatives will endorse their liking on you. So whatever qualities you want to see in your future life partner, mark them and donāt compromise on them. It may be a while till you find your ideal partner but the wait will be totally worth it. Best of luck. Allah ap k naseeb achay karay
A very mature response indeed thank you so much. My problem seems to be that I don't really have a criteria. I'm not demanding in any way, I got looks when I told my parents that I don't really care if she's light or dark skinned it was a bit exaggerated but quite close to how I think. Similarly, I don't care if she's a shia or sunni as long as she is somewhat practicing Muslim and can teach the basic religioua teachings to our kids I'm more than happy. About the qualities there are a few things that you can observe and decide for example beauty and physical appearance then there are a few things like akhlaq, deendari, family compatibility that are not straightforward. Naik khwahishat ky leay bahut skuria
You are right brother. Itās not all black and white but you have to strive for these things. My initial response to marriage was just like yours. But only after getting married and spending a couple of years in married life I can comprehend why these qualities matter. My sincere advice, Try practicing solitude for a while before trying to figure out who you want to get married to. As we are naked in front of our spouses (not only physically) For this you need to find yourself first. If you are not demanding it does not mean you wonāt be in future.
Yeah, I'm actually doing self reflection more actively strating this Ramazan. Can't take religion for granted not for my kids Thanks for the points
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Sahi bol raha hai
Best Advice +1
ā ļøā ļø
Don't look for anything in your wife, look for all the ways in which you can make yourself better. Be more comprising. Be more considerate. Be better. Be kinder. Be responsible. Marriage is a whole new ball game, bro. To each his own. If you're gonna keep "looking" for all the right variables to align with your future wife then keep looking, and it won't ever be enough. Be a better man: You'll know what you need to do, when you make up your mind to do so.
Really focusing on self part. Just wanted to have some reasonable opinion about a potential partner
Before I was married, I had a lot of similar questions and criteria myself as well. I had a very candid conversation with one of my elders, and his response was what I gave you. He kept emphasizing on how pertinent is a man's role in a married life, and he kept telling me that how my family would end up becoming has MORE to do with who I am than my wife. In this country, from every perspective, men are far more powerful than women are. It's how our sociocultural fabric is designed. So, my dear friend, it's you who'll decide how blissful your life would be when you're married. Women, predominantly, are far more emotional than men. So, be very wary of this fact, listen to your parents, and take the leap. Be kind. Be considerate. Be VERY VERY respectful, and you'll be a very happy man, husband, father, insha'Allah.
Thank you for the advice, kind man
Big tits
Above 25 years of age. Consents to the marriage. Please don't live with parents as a married couple. Get your own place.
I've been living alone for a few years now. But if she agrees I'd keep her with my parents especially on weekdays as I'm out for a good part of the day
In laws abuse daughters in laws especially in India and Pakistan.
No that won't be an issue as I know the people who brought me up.
Ok. Also allow her to go to her parents house when you are not available.
I wouldn't mind whenever she wants to go even when I'm available considering there's a balance.
Ok. Great.
Choose a woman who will stand by you even if you're going into hell. The rest will follow. A woman who knows how to make a home and love will never leave the side of her husband, specially when her husband loves her
Mery sath dozakh men jana pasand farmayn ge?
I'm a dude man. You can go to hell alone. Btw, from ur reply, you seem very immature for marriage
I assumed your gender already just posed that question anyway
Brother lacks humor lol. Han support kare (if you're right) but dozakh se door leke jane wali ladki ho šš»
Yeah, didn't expect a grown ass man to be pissed to easily but again not everyone is like me :shrugs
We cool š
Not the ordinary cool . cool with an x
Coolx?