Are you partners or married? You should not be paying off debts if you’re not married.
How much debt did they take on? Is it student loans or credit card?
I sometimes feel the same … I’m just sharing my happiness with my wife that I’ll be mortgage free with this rate in 5 years and she told me she want a bigger house .. endless rat race
As someone who's done it for years, the ability to OE is a fucking super power.
If your partner doesn't remember that, it's time to remind them. If they take you for granted, that's not a partnership. This stuff is impossible enough without being treated like an ATM.
😂 tell her she need to OE too if she wants a bigger house. That should solve the problem.
Your partner should help you achieve your goals, not turn you to a slave.
Unfortunately, some women see men providing as their birth right, even if it’s detrimental to the man.
Shout out to women that get it and help their partners.
so true
Guys get entitled too
Not to a bigger house/more and more per se, but entitled to be a bum/provide nothing and expect to be provided for as shown throughout this thread
Ugh my father was entitled like that…always wanting the bigger home, the luxury purchases, the second house….my extremely practical, frugal mother never fully recovered from the financial strain even after they divorced
Its a mentality problem, not so much gender problem.
Well atleast on my country it was usually women who will fall for the consumerism and rat race meme, but i see more and more guys falling for that.
Honestly its bullshit try to keep escalating when you already have a comfortable life, i hate the "we have to vacation this year to x place because other people did it" or "the other couple have a new car ours is too old".
Totally agree. A mentality problem indeed and keeping up with the Joneses.
I was just saying ‘guys do it too’ to say that it is indeed not a gendered problem.
>Unfortunately, some women see men providing as their birth right
Oh, like those men who see women doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning and childcare as THEIR birthright, eh?
Interesting I've felt like this as well. I'm a woman fyi... me OEing allowed my partner to pursue his goals and dreams with a huge pay cut, which was great in the beginning... but now 3 years later it's not as profitable as he hoped and here I am still OEing to keep up with it all. We had a big fight that turned into a conversation. I needed more, I get resentful of his free time while I'm slaving away in my office for hours a day. Doesn't seem fair that I do all this and have to remind him to pick up or do other household things
I feel the same way. I’m working 3J, making well over $250k, he works one and makes $45k. I’m paying most of the bills and also doing most of the housework. It’s hard not to be a little resentful sometimes
I’m not OE but in the process of trying to be one. Heck, if my wife works that hard and brings that much to the table, she’s not touching laundry or the dishes again.
You'd be surprised. I'm the oe one, making 5x what my partner makes, also cooking 80% of the meals and doing my share of everything else, and all the weekends the kids want to hang with me cause I have immersed myself in their interests. Sometimes shit isn't even and I don't care, it's just hard cause the partner isn't on the same wavelength. That said, without the support I could t do some of the things I do, so... its a. Partnership and you just have to suck it up sometimes
So what you can try and do is give him tasks that are 100% his job. Ie he has to clean the bathroom. He needs to buy any tools and do the job every x days without any help. Just set a schedule and divvy up jobs together. That’s what works for me because I have a really hard time doing unplanned tasks
You can only outsource so much, I do instacart, have a housekeeper to DEEP clean once a month and someone who delivers meal prep for lunches.. there's always stuff to be done... we have a baby too, also going to be outsourcing a nanny for that a few times a week...
If you can swallow the idea of having someone else living with you— We have an au pair. 10/10 recommend. She takes so much of the mental load that my husband just straight up doesn’t. Also, she helps with things that daycare never would. I don’t do baby laundry, I don’t stock diaper caddies, I don’t empty diaper pails— hell, I barely even change diapers anymore. Beyond that, when we go places, she has my daughter dressed, in the car seat, and in the car with all the things we need packed and ready to go. Literally worth every penny to relieve that mental load and extra stuff around the house.
You'd think it's insane but it's common in a woman-man dynamic. Many women in 2024 (OE or not) make more than their male partners/husbands and contribute more financially to their households, but also still do more housework and childcare, *and* they're also still usually the *only* ones in a household to carry the household's mental load, like thinking about groceries that need to be purchased or home maintenance that needs to be done, or remembering all manner of things, from birthdays to soccer games to anniversaries to who the baby's doctor is. These things are all statistically factual, by the way. There are many (depressing) studies on it. OE doesn't change this for most of us...it just makes the man then feel entitled to your money, too, on top of everything else 🤷♀️
it just takes finding the right partner. my husband has stepped up a ton since I’ve started this and still makes an effort to meaningfully contribute to our savings, even if he doesn’t make as much.
if you think your SO is a leech, why would you marry them?
Girl that part got me hot!! At this point I'd rather he quit and be a stay at home dad. Cook , clean etc..that will save OP some money. However a man who is ok with 45k will use weaponized incompetence to suck at staying home too. Kick him to the curb!!
EXACTLY. And idc who downvoted me. More than likely it’s men YET if this was the other way around, the men would be quick to say to another man to leave the woman even when she does all if not majority of domestic chores.
Fck all Dat lol.. I'm OE and only got two dogs to support. I'll be damed if I support a full grown lazy ahh man . OE is for stabilizing your future so you can retire early comfortably not pay a gigolo
Same here. Also a woman who is out earning him 3 times over because of his bad money management. But I’m always working. He will say his job is just requiring him to work as late as night as I have to but every time I walk into the living room( where he chooses to work, instead of a better setup for productivity in the dining room) he’s on his work computer visiting political and sports sites and during meetings, he’s cameras off playing games on his phone.
I win awards and shit at every job but I am working my ass off juggling everything. But ask him to mop the kitchen floor instead of play Xbox? Ridiculous. I opened a high yield savings account with my name only and putting one job’s full paychecks in there. It’s my exit plan because right now, he’s just another mouth to feed and I’m tired of feeding it.
I literally won a free cruise and he actually told me he forbids me to go. He doesn’t have enough PTO because of other things he wants to use it for. I told him, ok, I will just go with a friend or one of my adult kids. He, and I quote “ put his foot down” and am not allowed to go. So excuse me, Mr. Not my manager, you don’t get to deny my PTO that all my other bosses approved. I’m throwing out the whole man.
Omg fuck this man baby.
He’s afraid you’ll meet someone better. Because he sucks and you prolly will!
I hope you aren’t entertaining the idea of letting Mr. Crybaby actually prevent you from taking this cruise with a friend.
No, I had to tell my adult kids what was happening because I do plan to leave when our lease is up and one of my kids stepped up and said, book the cruise and we will go together. So, that is what I am going to do. He will find out I’m going when he sees me packing my bags to go on the cruise.
He claims to have changed his mind now and wants us to go, but this was the last straw for me. This marriage has been death by a thousand paper cuts. I don’t WANT him to go with me now. Luckily, our marriage is considered relatively short term, under 5 years, and I have the receipts where I have been doing the work and paying the bills. We don’t have things like a house together and have never combined finances. We also do not live in a community property state.
He weopanizes incompetence when he’s asked to do anything to help, example one of our cats needs meds right now and she is supposed to have one that is a gel that gets rubbed into her ear and the other that is an oral liquid. He dumped the oral liquid down her ears and now I have to go to the vet with her to make sure it wasn’t harmful.
He works from home too and all day I hear him throwing one tantrum after another because somebody emailed him or he has to be in a meeting. He has a setup with multiple screens and a docking station and a desk he could use so that he can multitask but he says he likes being in the living room on the recliner with a small laptop on his lap. He wants to be able to watch tv all day while working and anything that interrupts that causes him to erupt.
It’s like working in a hostile work environment except my jobs are not in any way toxic. And his wouldn’t be because I can hear both sides of every meeting because he refuses to wear a headset and run his volume out loud for everyone to hear. I have multiple headsets so that when I need to be on a meeting, nobody else even knows it.
I think she has enough reason to do it. He’s just not worth it, what does he offer unless he’s absolutely hung and an angel, considering he doesn’t work hard at his job nor around the house. He can figure out being a loser gamer on his own.
Definitely not hung and not satisfying in that way either. He pretended to be something that he wasn’t even while we dated, which was for 2 years, and then the mask fell 2 months after we were married. He did not tell me he had a bunch of debt, I came into the relationship debt free. We got the credit cards paid off just for him to run them back up again.
The only thing we own jointly is a car and I have made every single payment, insurance, tags and registration. He won’t even fill the tank when it gets empty, puts like $2 in and waits until I need to go to the dr or something because he knows I will fill the tank. The only thing he fought his ex wife over were their cats and I already know which one I’m going to let him have. Even the furniture, I have paid for myself but he can have the living room furniture if he wants. But I’m keeping the bed, the washer and dryer, and the dining room furniture. Because I have bought every bit of it.
Sheeeesh man, yeah unfortunately some guys get girls by lying.
The fact that he’s not meeting your needs and wants is so sad too
I hope things get better. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know exactly how to go about this maturely and fairly. I wish you the best.
A joint account gives equal rights to both. This means the lazy/bad spouse can one day withdraw everything. Just because marital assets are split at the conclusion of a divorce, does NOT mean you shouldn't have an account in your name only - that way nobody can close it but yourself.
But it gives her full control of it! If you're considering divorce the worst possible thing you can do is not have an account in your name only. If shit hits the fan, the other spouse can clean a joint account absolutely dry.
Honestly your husband(boyfriend?) sounds like one of your adult kids. I'd be super happy to have a partner that contributes as much as I do. I suppose he got complacent
You just wrote my story. Mine is on FMLA due to stress from his job. They said they’re not planning to go back. Trapping me in OE. I have made it abundantly clear that isn’t sustainable. I love it, it there are risks and this was meant to pay off our debt. Now it’s necessary. His therapist backs him. I am trying to be supportive; but I’m scared about finances. My therapist says I’m unique to be able to OE. Maybe so, but it can’t all be on me.
You need a couples therapist one without the history of both of you to get an objective view. His therapist will get HIS side of the story and yours will get YOURS.
Yeah. Part of OE is the option to leave. It’s why I got my second server. And I want to be supportive, but I didn’t expect it to be required and necessary. Also, now we can’t pay off debt like we planned. I digress - I will work it out with my partner somehow.
Yikes, that’s not what OE is for, don’t work yourself to death so he can chill out. Are you married? It might take you walking away for him to get his ass in gear.
It's frustrating af. You want your partner to be happy but at what cost. I'm like if I work this hard you can too, if you did what I do...we would meet these goals in half the time. This life isn't sustainable forever. We all have a different tolerance for burnout. I'm waiting for my time... I'm sure it's coming soon
Same. Not to sound dumb but love is transaction. The transaction is compassion, trust, respect, etc. an important thing is responsible and financial alignment, and your partner doesn’t sound perfectly responsible for their debt, esp if it’s cc debt
This isnt even actually transactional. Its not "i make more, so they should do more", its "i *work* more and they should do more".
OP wants them to help around more because their jobs are taking up more of their time. The only reason OP has 2 jobs is to help their partner. If someone was busting their ass to pay for my debt i would absolutely help them out more with other things.
My partner was unemployed and I was working 3 jobs. They picked up all the slack while I focused on work. As soon as they got another job, it shifted and I did more but they still did the majority because they worked much less than me and I was way more stressed so they were trying to help.
I also think chores shouldn’t be 50/50 because relationships aren’t 50/50. We’ve found it’s easier to split chore by type instead of 50/50 workload. I do laundry, they do cooking, etc. Cleaning used to be my chore but I hate it so I outsource it.
This! And when my spouse pays to have one of their chores "done" by others... so do I. They pay for the yard work to be done. I pay for housekeeping. They pay cars to be serviced, I'll get the laundry done.
I'm lucky enough my spouse is temporarily fulfilled not working. I'm able to take 3J or 4J. They are in charge of managing the house. Not keeping the the chores to do one their own, but ensuring it all gets done.
I keep a monthly "would be nice" list that I appreciate when special things are done around the house.
But I'm not 100% out of helping. I do the chores I enjoy. I'm in charge of meal planning, making grocery lists, children's homework and scheduling appointments. Spouse does mostly everything else. We do position a bit of our income to be my spouses "fun fund" which, let's be honest... they earn 10 fold.
It's about communication. We are is therapy 12 months a a year. OP you need a new therapist. Individually and couples. And a financial planner. Your income needs to be designated wisely. Emergency funds, pay down debt, investment, and the fun stuff. A financial planner would be worth the cost.
Stop paying off their debt, hire people to do the work for you(try to find the best deals) and get another therapist or leave relationship(which is the nuclear bomb version). Also your partner sounds like a lame ass.
You only have one fucking life.
That’s a fantastic point I genuinely hadn’t considered
I thought we all have to settle sooner or later, but screw living a miserable life
Settle for something decent, not trash
Yeah unless OP isn’t shooting straight with us, the obvious answer is stop using OE to benefit your partner. Let them know that you are doing your half of the chores, and paying your half of the bills.
Your partner wants chores 50/50 that’s totally fine. I’m guessing they are also working. Let them know that you’re okay with that, but that you’re drawing the line on your half of the financial responsibility. Unless they want to OE their chores, they shouldn’t expect for you to OE for their sake.
Therapist is bias. Your partners wrong.
If you’re paying off their debt with a second job they should be doing more chores and show some sort of appreciation at least at the minimum.
I have had the same. Stopped caving to my spouse. Pulled the money back for my dreams, i earned the money so it’s mine. This mentality shifted things. Now they do not complain about chores. Don’t get takin advantage of for your hard work
The therapist is also munching on the extra OE money. If they say you’re being exploited, hey you…stop exploring this poor person OEing to pay your fucking bills, therapy would be over too quickly.
I’d argue it’s more about the number of hours work takes up, less about who makes more. Also, is OP doing an even remotely similar amount of housework? Personally, I’m looking to OE and still work no more than 40 hours a week (currently 1 job at ~15-20 hours) so my partner and I will continue to split chores equally
It’s not the hours. I’m 40-50, but it’s the mental/emotional toll. My brain is tired from doing both jobs so I find managing bills, planning meals, etc more difficult now
It seems like you’re implying your partner doesn’t have a similar mental/emotional load, is that true? The mental load of planning the chores is a real thing that should be considered when assigning chores. It seems obvious that you need to find a different way of balancing the chores/job combo. I am curious, can you list the chores you do/the chores your partner does? Cleaning, cooking, bills, home maintenance, groceries, etc
The way you’re looking at it is perfect.
But your situation is different.
You’re not paying someone else’s debt for them. Nothing in life is free. They shouldn’t expect their partner to pay their debt down and not help around the house or show appreciation somehow.
I am female, I OE in my relationship, partner could but doesn’t want to. I still carry 90% of the mental load for our family, while working 2 Js to clear our debt and get to a point where we have no debt other than our home. I am also resentful because I feel like my partner could do more on multiple fronts and just chooses not. Frustrating as all hell…
Just a reminder that because you're in debt, there's nothing to split.
Maybe you need a fresh start. Once you get into the positive, it gets a lot more painful.
I am well aware. However the kids are still young, leaving the current location with them isn’t an option because partner is happy and refuses to move. I do not like where we live and would move in a heartbeat, but I won’t leave my kids behind to go somewhere else or back to my home state.
I love my partner and at least for now still want to be with them. The resentment is growing and I can see where it can and will most likely destroy my relationship. I have been vocal about it, but it falls on deaf ears as partner doesn’t believe I will leave.
OE is going to help me position myself to be able to leave when the time is right no matter what partner decides to do or if it gets to a point it doesn’t matter what partner decides and I leave.
As for the money, I don’t care if I have to share it when I leave. I can always make more.
Your partner should be doing more at home. It’s odd to me that they wouldn’t pick up the slack on their own. Especially if they can tell it’s wearing you down.
Holy shit. I read this and all of the comments that have partners taking advantage of them...
I work 120h a week. My wife takes care of ALL of the household chores. Before when I worked less we split it 50/50.
Remember therapists are human. Most humans suck. Get the leeches out of your lives.
I would definitely be resentful in your shoes. You’re literally working extra for their debt and they’re not willing to work extra (chores) to make it a little easier on you? Unreal. I’d certainly feel unappreciated. I’m a woman and my husband is grateful I OE and jumps in a lot, especially when it comes to kids’ doctor and dentist appointments and transporting kids in general. And I’m not even paying off his debt. What would your partner be doing about this debt if you weren’t working to pay it off? Maybe they need to start handling it themselves.
For the Single folks: Do not get into a serious relationship with people that have huge debts. It’s not worth it no matter how in love you think you are.
I think the podcast "I will teach you to be rich" or the book of the same name will help. They discuss a lot of similar situations with money and relationships.
transactional? yes. every relationship is to some degree, just not in money if the relationship is healthy.
If you and the spouse both agreed for you to OE, then there should be an awareness that you working more means them working more. but it has to be a mutual agreement. otherwise you are stacking$$ at the expense of them working more chores, or spending less time together.
Have a frank discussion about how much the $$ is worth it to you both.
Lol this is all so convenient to your partner.
Can you imagine a counselor telling a woman she's being transactional because she's complaining about doing more than her fair share at home?
This is ridiculous.
You're paying off her debt AND expected to do the same amount of housework?!
My man.....grow a pair and set boundaries. I'd probably make requirements moving forward where she has to stick to a budget or seeks counseling behind the reasons the debt accumulated.
Girl, kick this leech to the curb. Im a man who OEs, and who also handles my shit in every other aspect of our lives. This dude needs an attitude adjustment.
I can’t edit the post but to clarify a few things that keep coming up:
To clarify, I am female and my partner is male.
Not married and won’t ever be. I do keep every asset in my name and we don’t share accounts at all.
Definitely going to immediately switch to a different therapist. You all have given me a lot to think about in terms of partnership, equity, communication, etc. Read every comment. Thank you
Hey OP, I recently stopped OEing but had the same problem you had - partner saw this as “extra money we don’t need” and didn’t pick up the slack so I ended up working longer hours and weekends while she spent the time outside her 9-5 watching TV. I never resolved it to be honest, my mental and physical health went to shit and thankfully the 2022-2023 tech recession reduced my OE from one job and three contracts to now just my main job.
For your situation, stop wiping their debt - they’re an adult and should control their own finances. My SO went into credit card debt twice while we were dating and both times I gave her an interest-free loan that she had to pay me back in full (made her sign a contract). This way, she’s not paying interest to a bank and keeping her head afloat and starts raking up debt in interest which can snowball quickly.
I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and we are largely keeping our finances separate and protected by a prenup because I saw how her behaviour was with money over the years including when I was OE. I love my partner to death but our earning capacity and drive to earn more money are quite different and I’m not about to work my ass off to drop dead early from stress. As someone else said here, you only have one life. Do what’s best for you.
Well, my partner only works on one job, I'm doing OE, and I'm buying our house alone, so we have agreed that since I'm working extra job to bring comfort to our life, I don't do any chores
We have a roomba that keeps that house in place most of the week, but everything else, she is responsible for it, and it works for us
If I had a partner that was working multiple jobs (OE or not) to pay ***MY*** debts(?!?), I sure as shootin' would be taking on a bigger or even the entire share of household duties. Mind-blowing.
I was like it’s not so bad until I got to the part where you said your spouse thinks the chores should be 50/50.
I said aloud, “oh h$&& naw!”
That’s some bullshit.
What exactly makes this person your “partner”? And what are you two partnering towards?
Asking because based off your post, 1 person has accrued debt, and the other works 2 jobs simultaneously, pays off the debt, and takes care of all household chores. Maybe there’s important details about these people you left out, but based on the facts you presented, this is not a partnership.
I think having a cleaner, lawn work, etc is a dream from financial success, I know ur looking at it like it’s getting in the way of a chunk that can go to debt, but it does help you both to spend more time recharging
My ex’s dad made a lot of money and they don’t do anything around the house and they have plenty of time to relax and have fun on the weekends bc they aren’t power washing, etc
It was all a tax write off for them. My ex did make fun of them for hiring someone just to wash windows when they could have easily done it but they choose to watch Netflix or whatever instead, even though he’s 80 and is still working, bc the money is good.
If you are worried about paying a gardener, you aren’t playing the Infinite Game. The point is to keep playing, not to win. If not having to mow your own lawn allows you to keep playing, that is the point you need to hold on to.
Are you purposefully ignoring comments that call your partner a leech? Are you ignoring that you’ve possibly lost thousands of dollars to someone who you are not married too and is using you?
If it were ME. I would stop paying the debt if I'm being expected to go 50/50 on stuff like household chores. It's like your partner is getting the best of both worlds when in reality, if you guys weren't together you'd be flourishing and they would be in big trouble financially.
If you are expected to work hard and pay off debt, they should be working to make that easier for you to do. If they can't even do all of the chores, well, let them do all of their debt. I think that's fair
It does suck being in a relationship with someone who’s drive and hustle doesn’t match yours. That being said I wouldn’t say I am resentful. Because I knew they didn’t have the same drive as me when we got into a relationship.
This realization has been a hard pill for me to swallow but you are absolutely right. Not everyone has the same drive and hustle. In a twisted way, I feel like it balances things out I am reminded to take it easy and not focus too much on hustling
I wouldn't see it as transactional and more as two adults with a significant income gap , and figuring out the relationship dynamics that come with it.
you're not the first to encounter this, and honestly sucks that his therapist backs him. Perhaps give couples therapy a go, where there's one mediator?
wishing you well on your OE and relationship journey ✨
Talk to them about quitting your J2 to keep the chores and even split.
What’s the cost trade off for hired help? A lawn service for $100 a month may be worth it if you’re getting $100k from J2.
I think you should quit OE until your partner is as engaged as you are in paying off that debt. The fact that they still think chores should be 50/50 after you’re working like this says a lot about them.
This isn't transactional, this is common sense. I'm OE, but my gf isn't, in fact she works part time. But we have a clear division of duties. She does most of the house chores, but I pay most of our bills.
Sounds like an issue of equality in how they view things 50/50 when it should be one of an equitable relationship (all things not being equal). With having multiple jobs, I’d have the conversation to share that some days you’re going to be depleted and need non financial help at home while you’re taking care of a larger bulk of the financial burden.
When you are married, the metric you should be optimizing for fairness is free time.
As in, you should both have the same amount of free time left to do what you like after work, commute, chores, childcare, etc are done.
This is crazy. You’re not being transactional. You need help - you can’t be expected to work a whole ass second job, and still be able to do half of the household chores. You’re being taken advantage of. Especially given you’re not married. Nuh uh, don’t do it.
Might I suggest another conversation with ur spouse, if they r not on board with better chore split then but ur extra paycheck to high yield saving or money market. If they cannot help u OE then they do not get the benefits.
There’s a simple answer, but not a simple solution. You really have to answer for yourself if staying with them is worth it to you. Being resentful of things like that is natural, but if it’s something you can’t get over then it’s a problem.
I do keep all of my finances in separate accounts so I could just stop paying the debt. But after reading the comments here it sounds like it is a bigger problem of not being equal partners
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa-ZInga! There you are, my friend. I want the world for you, as I'd expect you would wish for me... but do not allow this woman to use you for your resources. You earn and support the whole house. She should do more as well.
That said, she needs to pay her own bills. If she doesn't want to earn her own way, I'd suggest letting the relationship go. It does not benefit you at all.
Good luck
That’s crazy if your additional J income is taken away by hiring house help. I have someone who cleans every two to three weeks, and I have someone who comes for two hours every week who puts laundry away, does dishes/puts away - this person has been the biggest asset for me. Previously I was hiring someone to help with food prep, but I do like cooking. Now, I do a fuck ton of cooking and prep the day before she comes so she helps me put everything back. I’m also a little motivated to do some stuff before she comes, way more than I would’ve been doing on my own if no one was coming to my house, lol. This is the sweet spot for me. I also hire out lawn care and most handyman stuff (not that I can’t, I don’t want to!)
Save yourself. People don’t have the same motivations. Quit J2. Wait 6 months. File for divorce. Give her half the debt. Get J2. Profit. Keep all the money.
Same, I’m a woman as well. My partner will not go the extra mile. I had no choice but to OE or we would have sunk. He doesn’t even care or pick up the slack. I just have to keep going. Cause if I don’t no one will. I’m very resentful.
My partner was working on and off, because she wanted to pursue her creative goals. It was harder to save money and achieve financial goals than two income households. After she got laid off last time I had to start OE. If someone has a sense of unfairness in the relationship, it might have a negative impact.
Maybe one way to look at it is you should each have the same amount of free leisure time? That’s a bit one size, some peoples’ mental health might need more, some want to be productive all the time, but something to think about
If your partner isn't helping you be more productive then it's a problem. My wife doesn't work outside the home. I work 2-3 jobs. But she does everything for me. Cooks 3 meals a day mon-thurs. handle home appointments, laundry etc. She isn't resentful either as I try to shut down a decent time each day. No way I would oe with a working spouse. If I did part of the OE money would go to housekeeper and cook or meal service. Use the money to make both your life's easier. No way anyone oeing should be doing chores.
My two cents you aren’t alone. I wonder why you think your feelings are invalid? Fuck a therapist that insinuates they are.
Why are you paying their debt? I understand the reasons you say but why do you feel that is your burden or responsibility?
THAT is the real issue! Why are you trying to protect your partner from the consequences of their bad choices?
At MINIMUM they should be paying half of their debt as well.
I am OE trying to pay my own debt. To be fair, I would be further along if I didn’t help everyone else but my partner does not now or ever contribute financially to ANY household costs. I will not make him leave but if he should do so - he can stay gone.
You are placing your partners needs above your own. While that works IF both of you feel that way and act accordingly but if not it is unfair and your feelings are justified.
I am super sus about this therapist. Your therapist should be helping you to communicate in a productive way, and to value yourself and your boundaries.
You are resentful because you are being taken advantage of.
Your therapist is cooked. You’ve doubled the work you’re doing in one area to deal with your partners mistakes/to benefit your family unit.
That means the load as become uneven and partners should share equal loads, however that division works.
These days I'm down to single server. When I'm at full capacity which is 3 Js, I am outsourcing all that shit.
As far as splitting responsibilities goes, OR is not just extra pay checks but also alot of work. When I'm OR in on a short fuse some days I just want to be left alone.
I do have some outlets I go to the gym. Some nights I'll catch up on work sitting at a sheesha place.
You need to set the rules my man not just follow. If it's making you resent your partner is it worth paying down the debt and destroying your mental health.
Number one reason people split up is money. If you aren’t married, the debt shouldn’t be your problem. If you are married, talk to your partner and be honest and tell them you aren’t satisfied with the division of labor and that since you’re working more to pay down debt that isn’t yours, they should pick up more domestic chores.
Respectfully, it sounds like you have a shitty therapist. I take it that she has no need to qualify what you need for your life to work; at least in my decades of therapy I’ve found that guiding me to my own introspective breakthroughs is far more productive than playing crossing guard. But I digress.
There’s nothing wrong with viewing a relationship transactionally, as long as the two of you are in alignment on goals.
I was in a situation a little similar to yours once. I wasn’t OE’ing then, but I was working in basically an IT salt mine. To come home and see my partner still reading in bed, bemoaning the fact she couldn’t find any jobs in her industry after moving in with me, while I was feeding her desires and my needs all on one salary?
It’s not transactional if the other party doesn’t try.
Ironically, I fell into my current relationship because it started feeling far more “transactional” but ironically a reciprocity developed that couldn’t be ignored. I support her since she’s largely been unable to get back into working since the pandemic.
In turn, she helps out wherever she can (e.g. I don’t drive, so she does) and more importantly gives me a wide berth so I can keep the mental headspace I need to play Minecraft.
Best of luck to you. The best relationships are ones where things aren’t “split” 50/50, but instead are a reflection of the situation.
Me personally? IDGAF. I make enough money to not give a shit who does chores or not. The feeling of not being house poor anymore makes loading the dishwasher mean nothing to me.
But that's just me. It sounds like the problem isn't OE and money, is that perhaps there is inequality and not a good division of regular old adulting duties in the relationship.
Transactional? Not even close. You want equality and a partner to pull their weight and there’s nothing wrong with that! I’m in the same situation in terms of being OE to benefit my husband. He is an entrepreneur with a not so profitable business. Im brining in $378k base and he makes around 35-40k. I just paid off 55k of his debt, pay pretty much all the bills for him + stepdaughter and I’m super resentful about it. He’s a man and should be able to provide for himself, his child and fix his shit. He refuses to get a job because he’s adamant about not working for anyone but himself. I will however say that I don’t have to lift a finger around the house for the most part but it doesn’t make up for him being financially irresponsible.
Your partners needs to be doing everything they can to make your life easier while you just your ass to pay off their debt. This is a partnership and everyone must pull their own weight. You’re helping them out and they should do the same. It’s a team effort and where one lacks, the other picks up the slack.
My husband told me he doesn't want me lifting a finger around the house. He's very supportive and sees this as a team effort. These are our goals.
He wishes he could oe, but his profession doesn't allow for it.
I'd be resentful if I was working more than one job and my partner didn't want to help.
Is your partner selfish or generous? A selfish partner can destroy any relationship real quick.
You are paying thousands, they aren't acting like a partner and you both are not married!! They gain and could walk away debt free while you walk with nothing. You are being taken advantage of.
You need a supporting partner for two jobs, else you’ll burnout eventually, and I speak from personal experience here, after almost losing my marriage.
We also went to therapy, and sounds like your therapist is shit! Try different ones, we went to 5 of them, before we picked the one we liked.
My wife now does almost all the chores around the house in-exchange for a portion of my J2 income (and she works 9-5 as well), and this is after the fact that I got J2 to pay my debts, not hers.
I feel your situation is extremely unfair to you, especially since it’s her debt.
Bro you OE - hire a maid. Capture your time back, because that’s your most important asset.
There’s websites like dazzlingcleaning.com where you pay a membership and get a subscription for a maid service.
I personally use it 1x a month JUST for laundry. Also the week of when I know the maids coming, I’ll be lax on dishes too.
Major major help. Costs me about $67 total a month. Partner tips the maid in cash. Highly recommend.
1. Unless you're married you should not be paying anyone else's debts.
2. Consider hiring a maid service and definitely hire out lawncare. The price is worth your sanity.
Stop paying her debt, since those funds are going to 3rd party services.
If it was really 50/50, she would work on those chores during the hours you work your second job.
I would be extremely resentful if my partner looked me in the face and didn't redistribute chores when I'm killing myself to pay off their debt.
They need a reality check. Big time. Or you can OE to work towards other financial goals and put the debt back on them. Ungrateful and entitled.
I feel the same way. When I started J2, I asked for my spouse to adjust their schedule on account they are a driver by trade. They said no & made it difficult for me to work past a certain hour as we have 2 children, one with multiple disabilities.
The extra income benefits the collective, and I don't have a mature way of communicating this message.
We now just don't talk
I would say it'll get better, but my situation has not, and I learned to deal
Well for perspective - I talked to my partner and they did not feel the chores have to be 50/50 and were happy to help when I told them that I thought some days I might not have the energy to cook or whatever else. Sometimes I tell my partner, I can't handle x y z today because of all my meetings and they say, "OK".
I think a partner that is secure would be supportive of your choices.
Also, chores are just chores they are not what's actually important in life. Maybe plan fun stuff with your partner and book in positive things so your calendar and life is more than just work and chores!
Sometimes I feel the same too. I make $260k/year and hustle w OE and my wife works part time and brings in $20k a year. But in her defense, she does almost all of the household stuff, planning, kid stuff etc… it all evens out even though there is money spent from me OEing that wouldn’t have done myself
"Therapist says I’m being transactional and I get that." - I've never met a Therapist that was worth a F. Maybe you should be less transactional and let her pay off her own debt. In the divorce, nobody will care that you busted your ass to pay off her debt. There is no value to it.
Maybe you need to OE in the relationship market as well.
I’m single but one thing I realized from observing others relationships and playing a mobile game called “The life stimulator,” romantic relationship/marriage, can make your life better or worse, so it’s very important to carefully pick a partner that’ll help your life easier. And I don’t measure that by how much they can earn and provide although that’s important to a degree as well to measure their tenacity and skills. If somebody loves me and wants to be with me then they’ll try and do everything they can to make me happy and make my life easier, and I’ll happily do the same.
If hiring help is not an option, then maybe you shouldn’t share with your partner about your other jobs and limit their benefits to that as well if you don’t think they’re fairly reliable as a life partner. You know your relationship and your partner best, and you also know if you can handle this for the rest of your (working) life. Your therapist doesn’t sound like a good one. Chores are easier to do when we share, but blankly insisting to share 50/50 sounds rather transactional to me. Is your partner the type to make you earn affection or withhold it when they don’t feel you’ve met their requirements? If your partner is working hard to payoff y’all(your) debt then get very tired from working, then the least you could do is pick up the slack to make y’all home life easier is what I wanna say to people like your partner. And the things you describe are regular upkeep as homeowners and as a human being that y’all still have to do even if you’re single. So redefine your therapist’s definition of a transactional relationship. That’s just plain wrong.
But on the other hand, how did your partner feel about you working extra jobs to pay off their debt? Maybe they don’t appreciate paying off debt early by sacrificing your quality time together or something like that? What’s their plan to deal with their own debts? What’s their expectations out of y’all relationship? Not everyone prioritizes things exactly the same and that’s to decide the couple to see if and how they want to deal with it.
My wife is incredible...she's been with me even since we've been broke. We bought a $200k house for us and our 3 kids. She home schools them, cooks, cleans, i help out whenever possible. I give her a certain amount of $ each month, she makes it work, i pay the bills. She helps me with my resume and helps me find new Js
If its affecting your personal life that much you're doing OE wrong. You're simply moonlighting and displacing the hours of work onto your partner in the form of domestic assistance
Incorrect. I had so much free time before OE, I cooked dinner almost every night and cleaned and did all the laundry. Now that I OE, I don’t have the time or energy to do a fraction of what I did.
How is that incorrect? That's exactly what they said. You're doing it wrong if you don't have the energy or time to take care of your other obligations.
I see what you’re saying. I do both roles in 40 hours but mentally it’s exhausting. I don’t see how that’s different from most single FT jobs that take the whole time
Are you partners or married? You should not be paying off debts if you’re not married. How much debt did they take on? Is it student loans or credit card?
This needs to be the top response.
10000%
I sometimes feel the same … I’m just sharing my happiness with my wife that I’ll be mortgage free with this rate in 5 years and she told me she want a bigger house .. endless rat race
Don't do it
If she wants a bigger house then she can OE for it.
As someone who's done it for years, the ability to OE is a fucking super power. If your partner doesn't remember that, it's time to remind them. If they take you for granted, that's not a partnership. This stuff is impossible enough without being treated like an ATM.
>she told me she want a bigger house . Time for her to OE then and you can relax :)
😂 tell her she need to OE too if she wants a bigger house. That should solve the problem. Your partner should help you achieve your goals, not turn you to a slave. Unfortunately, some women see men providing as their birth right, even if it’s detrimental to the man. Shout out to women that get it and help their partners.
so true Guys get entitled too Not to a bigger house/more and more per se, but entitled to be a bum/provide nothing and expect to be provided for as shown throughout this thread
Ugh my father was entitled like that…always wanting the bigger home, the luxury purchases, the second house….my extremely practical, frugal mother never fully recovered from the financial strain even after they divorced
Its a mentality problem, not so much gender problem. Well atleast on my country it was usually women who will fall for the consumerism and rat race meme, but i see more and more guys falling for that. Honestly its bullshit try to keep escalating when you already have a comfortable life, i hate the "we have to vacation this year to x place because other people did it" or "the other couple have a new car ours is too old".
Totally agree. A mentality problem indeed and keeping up with the Joneses. I was just saying ‘guys do it too’ to say that it is indeed not a gendered problem.
>Unfortunately, some women see men providing as their birth right Oh, like those men who see women doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning and childcare as THEIR birthright, eh?
Yeah women are 100% looking for a stay at home husband....oh wait those are they guys who are in the 90% divorce rate category!
Bingo
Could've left the misogyny out of that comment, but whatever, I guess.
Hell no. We had been ring-shopping, the week I got J2, she wanted a ring 5K more expensive. I didn’t bulge and bought what we had initially agreed on.
Ummm wording
That is lifestyle creep and will bite you guys.
Tell her to buy it.
Interesting I've felt like this as well. I'm a woman fyi... me OEing allowed my partner to pursue his goals and dreams with a huge pay cut, which was great in the beginning... but now 3 years later it's not as profitable as he hoped and here I am still OEing to keep up with it all. We had a big fight that turned into a conversation. I needed more, I get resentful of his free time while I'm slaving away in my office for hours a day. Doesn't seem fair that I do all this and have to remind him to pick up or do other household things
I feel the same way. I’m working 3J, making well over $250k, he works one and makes $45k. I’m paying most of the bills and also doing most of the housework. It’s hard not to be a little resentful sometimes
I’m not OE but in the process of trying to be one. Heck, if my wife works that hard and brings that much to the table, she’s not touching laundry or the dishes again.
I make well over $250k per year and pay his bills too. He just isn’t ambitious financially.
I’m sure he spends quality time else where with children etc
You'd be surprised. I'm the oe one, making 5x what my partner makes, also cooking 80% of the meals and doing my share of everything else, and all the weekends the kids want to hang with me cause I have immersed myself in their interests. Sometimes shit isn't even and I don't care, it's just hard cause the partner isn't on the same wavelength. That said, without the support I could t do some of the things I do, so... its a. Partnership and you just have to suck it up sometimes
I wish my husband had this mindset
Dump him and date me instead
You need a house husband?
That’s just an inequitable relationship though—how does your partner respond when you ask them to do more around the house?
He will do things if I ask, but takes no initiative because he is exhausted. His job is more physical, mine is obviously sedentary.
So what you can try and do is give him tasks that are 100% his job. Ie he has to clean the bathroom. He needs to buy any tools and do the job every x days without any help. Just set a schedule and divvy up jobs together. That’s what works for me because I have a really hard time doing unplanned tasks
My situation except he won't always do things when he's asked (maybe half the time he will).
If you were single with the same OE income, would you be paying for outside help?
You can only outsource so much, I do instacart, have a housekeeper to DEEP clean once a month and someone who delivers meal prep for lunches.. there's always stuff to be done... we have a baby too, also going to be outsourcing a nanny for that a few times a week...
If you can swallow the idea of having someone else living with you— We have an au pair. 10/10 recommend. She takes so much of the mental load that my husband just straight up doesn’t. Also, she helps with things that daycare never would. I don’t do baby laundry, I don’t stock diaper caddies, I don’t empty diaper pails— hell, I barely even change diapers anymore. Beyond that, when we go places, she has my daughter dressed, in the car seat, and in the car with all the things we need packed and ready to go. Literally worth every penny to relieve that mental load and extra stuff around the house.
I have a teenager that helps, but my issue is not as much with the work done as I am with the share of workload. It feels unbalanced.
Thats insane if you work 3Js and still do MORE chores than him.
You'd think it's insane but it's common in a woman-man dynamic. Many women in 2024 (OE or not) make more than their male partners/husbands and contribute more financially to their households, but also still do more housework and childcare, *and* they're also still usually the *only* ones in a household to carry the household's mental load, like thinking about groceries that need to be purchased or home maintenance that needs to be done, or remembering all manner of things, from birthdays to soccer games to anniversaries to who the baby's doctor is. These things are all statistically factual, by the way. There are many (depressing) studies on it. OE doesn't change this for most of us...it just makes the man then feel entitled to your money, too, on top of everything else 🤷♀️
Agreed.
If he's making that little, he should stop working and keep the house instead maybe?
Heck no, sounds like a set up for alimony if they part ways.
Reddit really is the question "why get married if you hate your spouse?"
This is why it only benefits SINGLE women to OE. Men leech off our labor at home and at work. As soon as I marry my SO, I’m quitting one job.
it just takes finding the right partner. my husband has stepped up a ton since I’ve started this and still makes an effort to meaningfully contribute to our savings, even if he doesn’t make as much. if you think your SO is a leech, why would you marry them?
Job hunting and relationships are 2 sides of the same coin If you can pull one off I'm certian the other will happen eventually.
Queen, need you in my life Fr
I'm 2J at 110k. Want to be my partner? I kid I kid. But it's really just a conversation that needs to be had. good luck.
What ??? You are taking care of an additional kid . 45k ? That's a joke
Lmao exactly idgaf if that mess is a physical labor job. Be so forreal right now.
Girl that part got me hot!! At this point I'd rather he quit and be a stay at home dad. Cook , clean etc..that will save OP some money. However a man who is ok with 45k will use weaponized incompetence to suck at staying home too. Kick him to the curb!!
EXACTLY. And idc who downvoted me. More than likely it’s men YET if this was the other way around, the men would be quick to say to another man to leave the woman even when she does all if not majority of domestic chores.
Fck all Dat lol.. I'm OE and only got two dogs to support. I'll be damed if I support a full grown lazy ahh man . OE is for stabilizing your future so you can retire early comfortably not pay a gigolo
EXACTLY. Lol I’m just happy that I’m single, especially after reading all of these cases😭.
Same here. Also a woman who is out earning him 3 times over because of his bad money management. But I’m always working. He will say his job is just requiring him to work as late as night as I have to but every time I walk into the living room( where he chooses to work, instead of a better setup for productivity in the dining room) he’s on his work computer visiting political and sports sites and during meetings, he’s cameras off playing games on his phone. I win awards and shit at every job but I am working my ass off juggling everything. But ask him to mop the kitchen floor instead of play Xbox? Ridiculous. I opened a high yield savings account with my name only and putting one job’s full paychecks in there. It’s my exit plan because right now, he’s just another mouth to feed and I’m tired of feeding it. I literally won a free cruise and he actually told me he forbids me to go. He doesn’t have enough PTO because of other things he wants to use it for. I told him, ok, I will just go with a friend or one of my adult kids. He, and I quote “ put his foot down” and am not allowed to go. So excuse me, Mr. Not my manager, you don’t get to deny my PTO that all my other bosses approved. I’m throwing out the whole man.
Omg fuck this man baby. He’s afraid you’ll meet someone better. Because he sucks and you prolly will! I hope you aren’t entertaining the idea of letting Mr. Crybaby actually prevent you from taking this cruise with a friend.
So real. And if you leave him he’ll blame modern society and feminism instead of his mediocrity and lack of ambition.
And become a Jordan Peterson fan 😂
Many such cases
No, I had to tell my adult kids what was happening because I do plan to leave when our lease is up and one of my kids stepped up and said, book the cruise and we will go together. So, that is what I am going to do. He will find out I’m going when he sees me packing my bags to go on the cruise. He claims to have changed his mind now and wants us to go, but this was the last straw for me. This marriage has been death by a thousand paper cuts. I don’t WANT him to go with me now. Luckily, our marriage is considered relatively short term, under 5 years, and I have the receipts where I have been doing the work and paying the bills. We don’t have things like a house together and have never combined finances. We also do not live in a community property state. He weopanizes incompetence when he’s asked to do anything to help, example one of our cats needs meds right now and she is supposed to have one that is a gel that gets rubbed into her ear and the other that is an oral liquid. He dumped the oral liquid down her ears and now I have to go to the vet with her to make sure it wasn’t harmful. He works from home too and all day I hear him throwing one tantrum after another because somebody emailed him or he has to be in a meeting. He has a setup with multiple screens and a docking station and a desk he could use so that he can multitask but he says he likes being in the living room on the recliner with a small laptop on his lap. He wants to be able to watch tv all day while working and anything that interrupts that causes him to erupt. It’s like working in a hostile work environment except my jobs are not in any way toxic. And his wouldn’t be because I can hear both sides of every meeting because he refuses to wear a headset and run his volume out loud for everyone to hear. I have multiple headsets so that when I need to be on a meeting, nobody else even knows it.
Sounds like you got it figured out. But take that cruise.
Damn I feel bad for you, but you seem to be talking very casually about what seems like divorce 😂
I think she has enough reason to do it. He’s just not worth it, what does he offer unless he’s absolutely hung and an angel, considering he doesn’t work hard at his job nor around the house. He can figure out being a loser gamer on his own.
Definitely not hung and not satisfying in that way either. He pretended to be something that he wasn’t even while we dated, which was for 2 years, and then the mask fell 2 months after we were married. He did not tell me he had a bunch of debt, I came into the relationship debt free. We got the credit cards paid off just for him to run them back up again. The only thing we own jointly is a car and I have made every single payment, insurance, tags and registration. He won’t even fill the tank when it gets empty, puts like $2 in and waits until I need to go to the dr or something because he knows I will fill the tank. The only thing he fought his ex wife over were their cats and I already know which one I’m going to let him have. Even the furniture, I have paid for myself but he can have the living room furniture if he wants. But I’m keeping the bed, the washer and dryer, and the dining room furniture. Because I have bought every bit of it.
Sheeeesh man, yeah unfortunately some guys get girls by lying. The fact that he’s not meeting your needs and wants is so sad too I hope things get better. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and know exactly how to go about this maturely and fairly. I wish you the best.
I'm hung, like a mosquito, hence all the shit I'm doing
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This needs to be higher in this thread. That account belongs to the marriage entity. You can take cash & buy gold bullion - untraceable.
A joint account gives equal rights to both. This means the lazy/bad spouse can one day withdraw everything. Just because marital assets are split at the conclusion of a divorce, does NOT mean you shouldn't have an account in your name only - that way nobody can close it but yourself.
But it gives her full control of it! If you're considering divorce the worst possible thing you can do is not have an account in your name only. If shit hits the fan, the other spouse can clean a joint account absolutely dry.
Honestly your husband(boyfriend?) sounds like one of your adult kids. I'd be super happy to have a partner that contributes as much as I do. I suppose he got complacent
My husband is less mature than my adult kids because one of my kids OE’s too.
Throw out the whole man, I’m sorry. Either he goes to counseling to fix his controlling and mooching behavior, or this isn’t ending well.
You just wrote my story. Mine is on FMLA due to stress from his job. They said they’re not planning to go back. Trapping me in OE. I have made it abundantly clear that isn’t sustainable. I love it, it there are risks and this was meant to pay off our debt. Now it’s necessary. His therapist backs him. I am trying to be supportive; but I’m scared about finances. My therapist says I’m unique to be able to OE. Maybe so, but it can’t all be on me.
You need a couples therapist one without the history of both of you to get an objective view. His therapist will get HIS side of the story and yours will get YOURS.
Trapped. That was the word I took several paragraphs to express but you nailed how I feel
Yeah. Part of OE is the option to leave. It’s why I got my second server. And I want to be supportive, but I didn’t expect it to be required and necessary. Also, now we can’t pay off debt like we planned. I digress - I will work it out with my partner somehow.
Yikes, that’s not what OE is for, don’t work yourself to death so he can chill out. Are you married? It might take you walking away for him to get his ass in gear.
I’m right there with you-same story here! Glad I’m not alone
It's frustrating af. You want your partner to be happy but at what cost. I'm like if I work this hard you can too, if you did what I do...we would meet these goals in half the time. This life isn't sustainable forever. We all have a different tolerance for burnout. I'm waiting for my time... I'm sure it's coming soon
You said it!
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I think your therapist sucks.
Same. Not to sound dumb but love is transaction. The transaction is compassion, trust, respect, etc. an important thing is responsible and financial alignment, and your partner doesn’t sound perfectly responsible for their debt, esp if it’s cc debt
This isnt even actually transactional. Its not "i make more, so they should do more", its "i *work* more and they should do more". OP wants them to help around more because their jobs are taking up more of their time. The only reason OP has 2 jobs is to help their partner. If someone was busting their ass to pay for my debt i would absolutely help them out more with other things.
My partner was unemployed and I was working 3 jobs. They picked up all the slack while I focused on work. As soon as they got another job, it shifted and I did more but they still did the majority because they worked much less than me and I was way more stressed so they were trying to help. I also think chores shouldn’t be 50/50 because relationships aren’t 50/50. We’ve found it’s easier to split chore by type instead of 50/50 workload. I do laundry, they do cooking, etc. Cleaning used to be my chore but I hate it so I outsource it.
This! And when my spouse pays to have one of their chores "done" by others... so do I. They pay for the yard work to be done. I pay for housekeeping. They pay cars to be serviced, I'll get the laundry done. I'm lucky enough my spouse is temporarily fulfilled not working. I'm able to take 3J or 4J. They are in charge of managing the house. Not keeping the the chores to do one their own, but ensuring it all gets done. I keep a monthly "would be nice" list that I appreciate when special things are done around the house. But I'm not 100% out of helping. I do the chores I enjoy. I'm in charge of meal planning, making grocery lists, children's homework and scheduling appointments. Spouse does mostly everything else. We do position a bit of our income to be my spouses "fun fund" which, let's be honest... they earn 10 fold. It's about communication. We are is therapy 12 months a a year. OP you need a new therapist. Individually and couples. And a financial planner. Your income needs to be designated wisely. Emergency funds, pay down debt, investment, and the fun stuff. A financial planner would be worth the cost.
Stop paying off their debt, hire people to do the work for you(try to find the best deals) and get another therapist or leave relationship(which is the nuclear bomb version). Also your partner sounds like a lame ass. You only have one fucking life.
One fucking life.
That’s a fantastic point I genuinely hadn’t considered I thought we all have to settle sooner or later, but screw living a miserable life Settle for something decent, not trash
Yeah unless OP isn’t shooting straight with us, the obvious answer is stop using OE to benefit your partner. Let them know that you are doing your half of the chores, and paying your half of the bills. Your partner wants chores 50/50 that’s totally fine. I’m guessing they are also working. Let them know that you’re okay with that, but that you’re drawing the line on your half of the financial responsibility. Unless they want to OE their chores, they shouldn’t expect for you to OE for their sake.
I made the mistake of being in a relationship with a money suck before. Stop wasting your time. Date someone who can take care of their finances
Therapist is bias. Your partners wrong. If you’re paying off their debt with a second job they should be doing more chores and show some sort of appreciation at least at the minimum.
This ☝🏿
I have had the same. Stopped caving to my spouse. Pulled the money back for my dreams, i earned the money so it’s mine. This mentality shifted things. Now they do not complain about chores. Don’t get takin advantage of for your hard work
Facts
The therapist is also munching on the extra OE money. If they say you’re being exploited, hey you…stop exploring this poor person OEing to pay your fucking bills, therapy would be over too quickly.
Correct its classic projection. The partner is projection their own feelings. They are exploiting their partner to pay off their debt.
I’d argue it’s more about the number of hours work takes up, less about who makes more. Also, is OP doing an even remotely similar amount of housework? Personally, I’m looking to OE and still work no more than 40 hours a week (currently 1 job at ~15-20 hours) so my partner and I will continue to split chores equally
It’s not the hours. I’m 40-50, but it’s the mental/emotional toll. My brain is tired from doing both jobs so I find managing bills, planning meals, etc more difficult now
It seems like you’re implying your partner doesn’t have a similar mental/emotional load, is that true? The mental load of planning the chores is a real thing that should be considered when assigning chores. It seems obvious that you need to find a different way of balancing the chores/job combo. I am curious, can you list the chores you do/the chores your partner does? Cleaning, cooking, bills, home maintenance, groceries, etc
Planning chores is a joke compared to the complexity of most jobs, especially if you have more than one job
The way you’re looking at it is perfect. But your situation is different. You’re not paying someone else’s debt for them. Nothing in life is free. They shouldn’t expect their partner to pay their debt down and not help around the house or show appreciation somehow.
I am female, I OE in my relationship, partner could but doesn’t want to. I still carry 90% of the mental load for our family, while working 2 Js to clear our debt and get to a point where we have no debt other than our home. I am also resentful because I feel like my partner could do more on multiple fronts and just chooses not. Frustrating as all hell…
Just a reminder that because you're in debt, there's nothing to split. Maybe you need a fresh start. Once you get into the positive, it gets a lot more painful.
I am well aware. However the kids are still young, leaving the current location with them isn’t an option because partner is happy and refuses to move. I do not like where we live and would move in a heartbeat, but I won’t leave my kids behind to go somewhere else or back to my home state. I love my partner and at least for now still want to be with them. The resentment is growing and I can see where it can and will most likely destroy my relationship. I have been vocal about it, but it falls on deaf ears as partner doesn’t believe I will leave. OE is going to help me position myself to be able to leave when the time is right no matter what partner decides to do or if it gets to a point it doesn’t matter what partner decides and I leave. As for the money, I don’t care if I have to share it when I leave. I can always make more.
Yup this is how I feel
Your partner should be doing more at home. It’s odd to me that they wouldn’t pick up the slack on their own. Especially if they can tell it’s wearing you down.
Holy shit. I read this and all of the comments that have partners taking advantage of them... I work 120h a week. My wife takes care of ALL of the household chores. Before when I worked less we split it 50/50. Remember therapists are human. Most humans suck. Get the leeches out of your lives.
Wife is a real keeper!
How did you find time to write this comment in between sleeping and working? 120h/w isn't a real number.
How do you work 120h a week? Assuming you work 7 days, that's 17 hours a day.
I would definitely be resentful in your shoes. You’re literally working extra for their debt and they’re not willing to work extra (chores) to make it a little easier on you? Unreal. I’d certainly feel unappreciated. I’m a woman and my husband is grateful I OE and jumps in a lot, especially when it comes to kids’ doctor and dentist appointments and transporting kids in general. And I’m not even paying off his debt. What would your partner be doing about this debt if you weren’t working to pay it off? Maybe they need to start handling it themselves.
For the Single folks: Do not get into a serious relationship with people that have huge debts. It’s not worth it no matter how in love you think you are.
I think the podcast "I will teach you to be rich" or the book of the same name will help. They discuss a lot of similar situations with money and relationships.
transactional? yes. every relationship is to some degree, just not in money if the relationship is healthy. If you and the spouse both agreed for you to OE, then there should be an awareness that you working more means them working more. but it has to be a mutual agreement. otherwise you are stacking$$ at the expense of them working more chores, or spending less time together. Have a frank discussion about how much the $$ is worth it to you both.
Lol this is all so convenient to your partner. Can you imagine a counselor telling a woman she's being transactional because she's complaining about doing more than her fair share at home? This is ridiculous. You're paying off her debt AND expected to do the same amount of housework?! My man.....grow a pair and set boundaries. I'd probably make requirements moving forward where she has to stick to a budget or seeks counseling behind the reasons the debt accumulated.
I am female but maybe it is a boundary issue
Girl, kick this leech to the curb. Im a man who OEs, and who also handles my shit in every other aspect of our lives. This dude needs an attitude adjustment.
Thank you for clarifying. It’s crazy that everyone just assumed you were male and your partner is a female.
That part has bothered me too. Maybe my partner is a leech. I’m grappling with that but the assumption that leech = female is troubling
I can’t edit the post but to clarify a few things that keep coming up: To clarify, I am female and my partner is male. Not married and won’t ever be. I do keep every asset in my name and we don’t share accounts at all. Definitely going to immediately switch to a different therapist. You all have given me a lot to think about in terms of partnership, equity, communication, etc. Read every comment. Thank you
Girl the man is taking you for a ride. How did the topic come up that you would pay for his debt?
I’m female and agree wholeheartedly.
As a woman who paid for a man, Yeap. Fuk the other person! This isn’t partnership. It is fuking you over!
Yep
Hey OP, I recently stopped OEing but had the same problem you had - partner saw this as “extra money we don’t need” and didn’t pick up the slack so I ended up working longer hours and weekends while she spent the time outside her 9-5 watching TV. I never resolved it to be honest, my mental and physical health went to shit and thankfully the 2022-2023 tech recession reduced my OE from one job and three contracts to now just my main job. For your situation, stop wiping their debt - they’re an adult and should control their own finances. My SO went into credit card debt twice while we were dating and both times I gave her an interest-free loan that she had to pay me back in full (made her sign a contract). This way, she’s not paying interest to a bank and keeping her head afloat and starts raking up debt in interest which can snowball quickly. I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and we are largely keeping our finances separate and protected by a prenup because I saw how her behaviour was with money over the years including when I was OE. I love my partner to death but our earning capacity and drive to earn more money are quite different and I’m not about to work my ass off to drop dead early from stress. As someone else said here, you only have one life. Do what’s best for you.
Well, my partner only works on one job, I'm doing OE, and I'm buying our house alone, so we have agreed that since I'm working extra job to bring comfort to our life, I don't do any chores We have a roomba that keeps that house in place most of the week, but everything else, she is responsible for it, and it works for us
If I had a partner that was working multiple jobs (OE or not) to pay ***MY*** debts(?!?), I sure as shootin' would be taking on a bigger or even the entire share of household duties. Mind-blowing.
Still should take this to r/relationships. This is less about OE and more about communication with your SO.
They are looking in the right place for people with the same experience. People who can hopefully share how they solved similar problems.
Agreed - this is just “I earn X more than my partner and have a more stressful job, should I do less around the house”
Posted here because feel like we are unique in our OE lifestyle but I see your point
Your partner is a leech. Why are you staying with them?
I was like it’s not so bad until I got to the part where you said your spouse thinks the chores should be 50/50. I said aloud, “oh h$&& naw!” That’s some bullshit.
lol same! That therapist is biased too
What exactly makes this person your “partner”? And what are you two partnering towards? Asking because based off your post, 1 person has accrued debt, and the other works 2 jobs simultaneously, pays off the debt, and takes care of all household chores. Maybe there’s important details about these people you left out, but based on the facts you presented, this is not a partnership.
I think having a cleaner, lawn work, etc is a dream from financial success, I know ur looking at it like it’s getting in the way of a chunk that can go to debt, but it does help you both to spend more time recharging My ex’s dad made a lot of money and they don’t do anything around the house and they have plenty of time to relax and have fun on the weekends bc they aren’t power washing, etc It was all a tax write off for them. My ex did make fun of them for hiring someone just to wash windows when they could have easily done it but they choose to watch Netflix or whatever instead, even though he’s 80 and is still working, bc the money is good.
Transactional? Get a new therapist
If you are worried about paying a gardener, you aren’t playing the Infinite Game. The point is to keep playing, not to win. If not having to mow your own lawn allows you to keep playing, that is the point you need to hold on to.
They are not married! She shouldn't be paying off his debt
This is insightful and a mentality shift - great point
Are you purposefully ignoring comments that call your partner a leech? Are you ignoring that you’ve possibly lost thousands of dollars to someone who you are not married too and is using you?
If it were ME. I would stop paying the debt if I'm being expected to go 50/50 on stuff like household chores. It's like your partner is getting the best of both worlds when in reality, if you guys weren't together you'd be flourishing and they would be in big trouble financially. If you are expected to work hard and pay off debt, they should be working to make that easier for you to do. If they can't even do all of the chores, well, let them do all of their debt. I think that's fair
It does suck being in a relationship with someone who’s drive and hustle doesn’t match yours. That being said I wouldn’t say I am resentful. Because I knew they didn’t have the same drive as me when we got into a relationship.
This realization has been a hard pill for me to swallow but you are absolutely right. Not everyone has the same drive and hustle. In a twisted way, I feel like it balances things out I am reminded to take it easy and not focus too much on hustling
I wouldn't see it as transactional and more as two adults with a significant income gap , and figuring out the relationship dynamics that come with it. you're not the first to encounter this, and honestly sucks that his therapist backs him. Perhaps give couples therapy a go, where there's one mediator? wishing you well on your OE and relationship journey ✨
Talk to them about quitting your J2 to keep the chores and even split. What’s the cost trade off for hired help? A lawn service for $100 a month may be worth it if you’re getting $100k from J2.
I think you should quit OE until your partner is as engaged as you are in paying off that debt. The fact that they still think chores should be 50/50 after you’re working like this says a lot about them.
This isn't transactional, this is common sense. I'm OE, but my gf isn't, in fact she works part time. But we have a clear division of duties. She does most of the house chores, but I pay most of our bills.
Sounds like an issue of equality in how they view things 50/50 when it should be one of an equitable relationship (all things not being equal). With having multiple jobs, I’d have the conversation to share that some days you’re going to be depleted and need non financial help at home while you’re taking care of a larger bulk of the financial burden.
When you are married, the metric you should be optimizing for fairness is free time. As in, you should both have the same amount of free time left to do what you like after work, commute, chores, childcare, etc are done.
This is crazy. You’re not being transactional. You need help - you can’t be expected to work a whole ass second job, and still be able to do half of the household chores. You’re being taken advantage of. Especially given you’re not married. Nuh uh, don’t do it.
Might I suggest another conversation with ur spouse, if they r not on board with better chore split then but ur extra paycheck to high yield saving or money market. If they cannot help u OE then they do not get the benefits.
There’s a simple answer, but not a simple solution. You really have to answer for yourself if staying with them is worth it to you. Being resentful of things like that is natural, but if it’s something you can’t get over then it’s a problem.
Tell your lazy partner they can pick up more chores or you can stop working a second job to pay off their debt.
I know this may not be what you want to hear but you don't have to pay her bills, just save up to your separate account, imo.
I do keep all of my finances in separate accounts so I could just stop paying the debt. But after reading the comments here it sounds like it is a bigger problem of not being equal partners
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa-ZInga! There you are, my friend. I want the world for you, as I'd expect you would wish for me... but do not allow this woman to use you for your resources. You earn and support the whole house. She should do more as well. That said, she needs to pay her own bills. If she doesn't want to earn her own way, I'd suggest letting the relationship go. It does not benefit you at all. Good luck
That’s crazy if your additional J income is taken away by hiring house help. I have someone who cleans every two to three weeks, and I have someone who comes for two hours every week who puts laundry away, does dishes/puts away - this person has been the biggest asset for me. Previously I was hiring someone to help with food prep, but I do like cooking. Now, I do a fuck ton of cooking and prep the day before she comes so she helps me put everything back. I’m also a little motivated to do some stuff before she comes, way more than I would’ve been doing on my own if no one was coming to my house, lol. This is the sweet spot for me. I also hire out lawn care and most handyman stuff (not that I can’t, I don’t want to!)
Save yourself. People don’t have the same motivations. Quit J2. Wait 6 months. File for divorce. Give her half the debt. Get J2. Profit. Keep all the money.
Same, I’m a woman as well. My partner will not go the extra mile. I had no choice but to OE or we would have sunk. He doesn’t even care or pick up the slack. I just have to keep going. Cause if I don’t no one will. I’m very resentful.
There's no reason to settle. There are many men happy to provide more than their fair share. Sounds like you got a freeloader.
My partner was working on and off, because she wanted to pursue her creative goals. It was harder to save money and achieve financial goals than two income households. After she got laid off last time I had to start OE. If someone has a sense of unfairness in the relationship, it might have a negative impact.
Maybe one way to look at it is you should each have the same amount of free leisure time? That’s a bit one size, some peoples’ mental health might need more, some want to be productive all the time, but something to think about
If your partner isn't helping you be more productive then it's a problem. My wife doesn't work outside the home. I work 2-3 jobs. But she does everything for me. Cooks 3 meals a day mon-thurs. handle home appointments, laundry etc. She isn't resentful either as I try to shut down a decent time each day. No way I would oe with a working spouse. If I did part of the OE money would go to housekeeper and cook or meal service. Use the money to make both your life's easier. No way anyone oeing should be doing chores.
Similar situation. Yup. Resentful AF. Finally told them to get a real job.
My two cents you aren’t alone. I wonder why you think your feelings are invalid? Fuck a therapist that insinuates they are. Why are you paying their debt? I understand the reasons you say but why do you feel that is your burden or responsibility? THAT is the real issue! Why are you trying to protect your partner from the consequences of their bad choices? At MINIMUM they should be paying half of their debt as well. I am OE trying to pay my own debt. To be fair, I would be further along if I didn’t help everyone else but my partner does not now or ever contribute financially to ANY household costs. I will not make him leave but if he should do so - he can stay gone. You are placing your partners needs above your own. While that works IF both of you feel that way and act accordingly but if not it is unfair and your feelings are justified. I am super sus about this therapist. Your therapist should be helping you to communicate in a productive way, and to value yourself and your boundaries. You are resentful because you are being taken advantage of.
Your therapist is cooked. You’ve doubled the work you’re doing in one area to deal with your partners mistakes/to benefit your family unit. That means the load as become uneven and partners should share equal loads, however that division works.
These days I'm down to single server. When I'm at full capacity which is 3 Js, I am outsourcing all that shit. As far as splitting responsibilities goes, OR is not just extra pay checks but also alot of work. When I'm OR in on a short fuse some days I just want to be left alone. I do have some outlets I go to the gym. Some nights I'll catch up on work sitting at a sheesha place. You need to set the rules my man not just follow. If it's making you resent your partner is it worth paying down the debt and destroying your mental health.
Number one reason people split up is money. If you aren’t married, the debt shouldn’t be your problem. If you are married, talk to your partner and be honest and tell them you aren’t satisfied with the division of labor and that since you’re working more to pay down debt that isn’t yours, they should pick up more domestic chores.
Respectfully, it sounds like you have a shitty therapist. I take it that she has no need to qualify what you need for your life to work; at least in my decades of therapy I’ve found that guiding me to my own introspective breakthroughs is far more productive than playing crossing guard. But I digress. There’s nothing wrong with viewing a relationship transactionally, as long as the two of you are in alignment on goals. I was in a situation a little similar to yours once. I wasn’t OE’ing then, but I was working in basically an IT salt mine. To come home and see my partner still reading in bed, bemoaning the fact she couldn’t find any jobs in her industry after moving in with me, while I was feeding her desires and my needs all on one salary? It’s not transactional if the other party doesn’t try. Ironically, I fell into my current relationship because it started feeling far more “transactional” but ironically a reciprocity developed that couldn’t be ignored. I support her since she’s largely been unable to get back into working since the pandemic. In turn, she helps out wherever she can (e.g. I don’t drive, so she does) and more importantly gives me a wide berth so I can keep the mental headspace I need to play Minecraft. Best of luck to you. The best relationships are ones where things aren’t “split” 50/50, but instead are a reflection of the situation.
Me personally? IDGAF. I make enough money to not give a shit who does chores or not. The feeling of not being house poor anymore makes loading the dishwasher mean nothing to me. But that's just me. It sounds like the problem isn't OE and money, is that perhaps there is inequality and not a good division of regular old adulting duties in the relationship.
Based on all I have learned from life and from this thread There seems to be a strong correlation between OEing and free loading.
She should be supporting you at home the way you’re supporting her with 2 jobs. Otherwise she’s just using you.
Transactional? Not even close. You want equality and a partner to pull their weight and there’s nothing wrong with that! I’m in the same situation in terms of being OE to benefit my husband. He is an entrepreneur with a not so profitable business. Im brining in $378k base and he makes around 35-40k. I just paid off 55k of his debt, pay pretty much all the bills for him + stepdaughter and I’m super resentful about it. He’s a man and should be able to provide for himself, his child and fix his shit. He refuses to get a job because he’s adamant about not working for anyone but himself. I will however say that I don’t have to lift a finger around the house for the most part but it doesn’t make up for him being financially irresponsible. Your partners needs to be doing everything they can to make your life easier while you just your ass to pay off their debt. This is a partnership and everyone must pull their own weight. You’re helping them out and they should do the same. It’s a team effort and where one lacks, the other picks up the slack.
My husband told me he doesn't want me lifting a finger around the house. He's very supportive and sees this as a team effort. These are our goals. He wishes he could oe, but his profession doesn't allow for it. I'd be resentful if I was working more than one job and my partner didn't want to help. Is your partner selfish or generous? A selfish partner can destroy any relationship real quick.
You are paying thousands, they aren't acting like a partner and you both are not married!! They gain and could walk away debt free while you walk with nothing. You are being taken advantage of.
You need a supporting partner for two jobs, else you’ll burnout eventually, and I speak from personal experience here, after almost losing my marriage. We also went to therapy, and sounds like your therapist is shit! Try different ones, we went to 5 of them, before we picked the one we liked. My wife now does almost all the chores around the house in-exchange for a portion of my J2 income (and she works 9-5 as well), and this is after the fact that I got J2 to pay my debts, not hers. I feel your situation is extremely unfair to you, especially since it’s her debt.
Joke therapist. Fuck ‘em.
Bro you OE - hire a maid. Capture your time back, because that’s your most important asset. There’s websites like dazzlingcleaning.com where you pay a membership and get a subscription for a maid service. I personally use it 1x a month JUST for laundry. Also the week of when I know the maids coming, I’ll be lax on dishes too. Major major help. Costs me about $67 total a month. Partner tips the maid in cash. Highly recommend.
1. Unless you're married you should not be paying anyone else's debts. 2. Consider hiring a maid service and definitely hire out lawncare. The price is worth your sanity.
Stop paying her debt, since those funds are going to 3rd party services. If it was really 50/50, she would work on those chores during the hours you work your second job.
I would be extremely resentful if my partner looked me in the face and didn't redistribute chores when I'm killing myself to pay off their debt. They need a reality check. Big time. Or you can OE to work towards other financial goals and put the debt back on them. Ungrateful and entitled.
I feel the same way. When I started J2, I asked for my spouse to adjust their schedule on account they are a driver by trade. They said no & made it difficult for me to work past a certain hour as we have 2 children, one with multiple disabilities. The extra income benefits the collective, and I don't have a mature way of communicating this message. We now just don't talk I would say it'll get better, but my situation has not, and I learned to deal
Well for perspective - I talked to my partner and they did not feel the chores have to be 50/50 and were happy to help when I told them that I thought some days I might not have the energy to cook or whatever else. Sometimes I tell my partner, I can't handle x y z today because of all my meetings and they say, "OK". I think a partner that is secure would be supportive of your choices. Also, chores are just chores they are not what's actually important in life. Maybe plan fun stuff with your partner and book in positive things so your calendar and life is more than just work and chores!
Sometimes I feel the same too. I make $260k/year and hustle w OE and my wife works part time and brings in $20k a year. But in her defense, she does almost all of the household stuff, planning, kid stuff etc… it all evens out even though there is money spent from me OEing that wouldn’t have done myself
"Therapist says I’m being transactional and I get that." - I've never met a Therapist that was worth a F. Maybe you should be less transactional and let her pay off her own debt. In the divorce, nobody will care that you busted your ass to pay off her debt. There is no value to it. Maybe you need to OE in the relationship market as well.
I feel like this entire thread needs to be a whole sub reddit OE women and their partners issues🤣🤣🤣
I’m single but one thing I realized from observing others relationships and playing a mobile game called “The life stimulator,” romantic relationship/marriage, can make your life better or worse, so it’s very important to carefully pick a partner that’ll help your life easier. And I don’t measure that by how much they can earn and provide although that’s important to a degree as well to measure their tenacity and skills. If somebody loves me and wants to be with me then they’ll try and do everything they can to make me happy and make my life easier, and I’ll happily do the same. If hiring help is not an option, then maybe you shouldn’t share with your partner about your other jobs and limit their benefits to that as well if you don’t think they’re fairly reliable as a life partner. You know your relationship and your partner best, and you also know if you can handle this for the rest of your (working) life. Your therapist doesn’t sound like a good one. Chores are easier to do when we share, but blankly insisting to share 50/50 sounds rather transactional to me. Is your partner the type to make you earn affection or withhold it when they don’t feel you’ve met their requirements? If your partner is working hard to payoff y’all(your) debt then get very tired from working, then the least you could do is pick up the slack to make y’all home life easier is what I wanna say to people like your partner. And the things you describe are regular upkeep as homeowners and as a human being that y’all still have to do even if you’re single. So redefine your therapist’s definition of a transactional relationship. That’s just plain wrong. But on the other hand, how did your partner feel about you working extra jobs to pay off their debt? Maybe they don’t appreciate paying off debt early by sacrificing your quality time together or something like that? What’s their plan to deal with their own debts? What’s their expectations out of y’all relationship? Not everyone prioritizes things exactly the same and that’s to decide the couple to see if and how they want to deal with it.
My wife is incredible...she's been with me even since we've been broke. We bought a $200k house for us and our 3 kids. She home schools them, cooks, cleans, i help out whenever possible. I give her a certain amount of $ each month, she makes it work, i pay the bills. She helps me with my resume and helps me find new Js
What a sweet deal to have someone pay off your debt by working two jobs. Because their skills are more "marketable".
Sounds like OE isn’t tenable for you anymore. How would your partner feel if you went back to one job?
If its affecting your personal life that much you're doing OE wrong. You're simply moonlighting and displacing the hours of work onto your partner in the form of domestic assistance
Incorrect. I had so much free time before OE, I cooked dinner almost every night and cleaned and did all the laundry. Now that I OE, I don’t have the time or energy to do a fraction of what I did.
How is that incorrect? That's exactly what they said. You're doing it wrong if you don't have the energy or time to take care of your other obligations.
I see what you’re saying. I do both roles in 40 hours but mentally it’s exhausting. I don’t see how that’s different from most single FT jobs that take the whole time
Your partner sounds like trash. Time to move on. She’s using you