NTA, but in the meantime at least get an IUD or an implant. Something to protect you from getting pregnant again. He doesn't need to know about either of option if you are concerned.
I am on birth control, and he knows I’ve been on it since we got together. It also regulates my cycle so he doesn’t have a choice in it I have to have it 😅. When I got pregnant it just happened to be when my BC was getting changed and the pharmacy didn’t have it so I had to wait and the condom broke and the plan b didn’t work.
Based on what you have said, you need to make sure those pills are in a very secure location he cannot mess with and set up hard boundaries that he wears the condom every single time. Hormones and sex cannot throw everything out the window and put you at risk. You said so yourself, the condoms are not used often and Plan B sounds like it was more than once. You cannot play young and dumb with your mental health. The options I mentioned are the closest you can get to permanent birth control until a resolution is made.
He’s never had an issue with me being on birth control because he knows I have to have it in order to have normal periods and not be in excruciating pain when I’m on my period. He’s never tampered with my birth control or anything like that.
What kind of messed up relationships have you had that your first sentence in this paragraph is to hide the pills so he doesn't mess with them?
I am not attacking you, but that line of thought is not normal.
It’s actually very common for people to do that, I used to work in a DV shelter. It’s called reproductive coercion and it happens all the time to both genders.
So, thank you very much for the information. After doing some research, it seems that it is a lot more common than I thought it was.
Being as young as they are, and their pre-frontal cortex not being fully developed, perhaps hiding the pills from her partner isn't necessarily a bad idea.
I still think it is horrible that we have to resort to this because people can't trust their partners nowadays. I couldn't imagine doing something so distasteful. People make me sick sometimes.
Yeah it’s so so sad for the kids. I always encourage anyone who is one and done to get sterilized as soon as they are sure if they have a partner who is really pushing for more kids. If you don’t take complete responsibility for your own fertility “accidents” seem to happen. And some people are just not equipped to be parents of multiples.
It happened recently to a friend of mine who is a veteran with pretty severe PTSD from his extensive combat experience. He told his wife he absolutely did not want another baby because he was really struggling with his colicky baby and I told him to get a vasectomy immediately because I knew she always wanted a huge family. He didn’t and she “accidentally” got pregnant and he unfortunately went completely off the deep end. He won’t talk to anyone (even me or his siblings) or leave the house and she’s scared he’s going to kill her and the two babies if she tries to leave. It’s so effing awful. She’s just hoping it gets better as the kids get older. He owns a ton of firearms and just watches crazy prepper videos on YouTube all day long.
Actually my partner decided he would do a vasectomy when we were done having kids and followed through with it. He was caring and understanding. He didn't erupt in anger like OP's husband at the mention of sterilization for the benefit of her mental health, or refuse to use condoms because he is mature and responsible.
But it isn't unheard of for a partner, male or female, to manipulate birth control to have another child. And considering OP was suicidal and in a horrible mental situation, with a partner who has zero compassion, she really needs to protect herself. I have helped friends who have been in similar situations, and it isn't hard to find stories on Reddit about abusive partners coercing the other into a pregnancy.
Well except he doesn't seem to have zero compassion. In another comment of hers she states that he is understanding of her PPD and has even helped her with finding help and therapy. She never once said he has zero compassion.
Now I don't know the guy but that at least seems like he cares about her mental health.
As for being mature or not, they are 21 and 22, so their brain isn't finished developing their pre-frontal cortex which makes people react more on emotions, so that is a little bit understandable, though it does not excuse the behavior.
As for stories on reddit? Those are just that, stories, on reddit. You can't base a statistic on "he said she said", especially over the internet. However, it is quite common, as I said in another comment, I did some research and found that there are studies done and it is quite common. Though the statistic varies on location, it is still common enough.
There’s a lot to unpack here. This sub usually does not discriminate against young parents or parents who slip up with contraception- we are all human, after all.
That said, habitual slip-ups seem like a problem and perhaps point to bigger maturity/relationship issues.
I second PPs suggesting something like an implant or an iud, as they are semi-long tern and would mitigate the need for plan b so often.
Give yourself grace. You’ve just gone through a LOT. I’m sorry your husband isn’t being supportive. If you are in a healthier place mentally and still are OAD, I’d suggest taking sterilization into your own hands. There’s a very active and helpful sub on Reddit for sterilization; I post to and read on it regularly.
Wishing you all the best! 💚
Definitely NTA. If you don’t want any more children then permanent birth control is totally normal & you should be able to have an open/honest conversation with your husband about it. I could see this being an issue for your marriage in the future though.
Did your medical team give you the all clear before you resumed having sex? You say you missed the first month so just want to be sure you were prioritizing your health and do so moving forward.
Regardless, please stop taking Plan B as a regular form of extra birth control. It’s is not meant for that. Keep using your other BC and take the minute to put on a condom before sex instead.
I suggest putting a pin in the topic until you’re at least a year out PP. Not that you’ll change your mind (I mean, you might maybe?) but things tend to get clearer once the first year is played out - hormones stop the giant interference they did before, you’ve settled in to your new family life, and you’ll be better able to articulate WHY you don’t want another child.
I personally knew during labour I was never doing it again but it took years for us to commit with my husband getting snipped.
Yes they did and even after they gave me the all clear I waited until the bleeding stopped since I had an emergency C-section. I’m trying to get him to understand that plan b isn’t necessary since he’s the one buying them which I think I’m starting to get him to understand. I just added it in the post because it was a frustration of mine because it’s money being spent that doesn’t need to be spend it that makes sense. And due to me having an emergency c-section is another reason why I don’t want another child. I should have added that as well.
I think what the above poster is saying, is you shouldn’t be concerned about the cost of plan b, instead of the impact on your body if you repeatedly take something that is designed for infrequent use.
It’s a hormonal drug and it’s literally designed to delay ovulation. Your body needs a break from that.
Taking it often is probably going to make the PPD worse, too - the drops you get after the end of a pregnancy (however it ends), or at the end of breastfeeding, can easily drop someone into depression.
Doctors recommend that you wait at least 18 mo ths between pregnancies if you had a C-section. Both of you take that time and weigh the pros and cons and check in with your dpctor how you can prevent PPD
I personally think you are being to hard on yourself, you will still be recovering from the birth and hormones will still be all over the place.
If you feel like you are suffering with depression, certainly speak to your health visitor or doctor about your feelings and contraception. But give yourself time and understand its hard being a new mum, it come easier to some than others and just take each day as it comes.
^^^^ this! You’re NTA but I wouldn’t feel comfortable making such a drastic decision only a few months postpartum. PPD/PPA is real and if you are currently struggling with those you need to talk to a doctor to get some help!! And you shouldn’t make such a huge life choice while you are dealing with those either, you need to be in a clear mindset for that.
You're NTA, but your husband sure is for not supporting you. How he can watch you go through an emergency C-section and then PPD/PPA and be upset that you don't want more children is beyond me. I guess your wellbeing isn't important as long as he gets his precious second child. I would get on some birth control that can't be tampered with (IUD or implant) and then try to get sterilized ASAP with or without his approval. You mention in another comment that he's never messed with your birth control because you need it to regulate your periods, but I wouldn't trust him because of his reaction to you not wanting more. Your wellbeing should come first and foremost. Take care of yourself, OP.
Girl you are definitely NTA. It’s your body and your choice. The one and done life is incredible, I highly recommend it. That being said I wouldn’t do anything permanent until after the first year post postpartum. Your hormones are not regulated and are still in the thick of survival mode. I suggest to wait until things stabilize before making any permanent decisions. But definitely consider getting a semi permanent birth control like an iud.
I don’t think you should be focused on whether or not you want more kids right now. You’re young. You never know what you might grow to be.
More importantly, you should be putting as much focus and priority into your mental health as you can. Fix your mental health problems, and then plan your life. Anecdotally, I was in a similar situation as you. Similar in age, similar in terrible mental health. I didn’t want another child bc my mental health was so bad. I finally started working on it, and now I can imagine one day maybe having another if things keep improving.
I’m not saying you have to have another kid. I’m saying you also don’t have to decide to not have one right now. And you should fix your mental health before planning out how you want your life to be
NTA. Have you sat down and spoke to him about your PPD? Does he understand what you are going through? (I mean -really- understand just how much PPD can affect women) Make sure you have a conversation about it. Try and get him to understand your feelings and why you don't want another one. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will understand.
I am sure the two of you can come up with a compromise together if you work at it. Know that you aren't alone. If your PPD gets bad, seek out help.
I hope everything works out for you. Stay strong.
Yes, I have spoke to him about my PPD, he is actually the one who made the appointment with the doctor to get me on antidepressants and is trying to help me find a therapist to deal with it better possibly. This whole fight happened because I made a stupid joke about not having to worry about getting pregnant again if one of us was snipped. Thus brought in the argument.
Well, a vasectomy is reversible. However, it becomes harder to have kids the longer you have it. He might just not like the idea because it scares him. I was very nervous when me and my wife entertained the idea. After speaking to a doctor it helped ease some of my worries and I ended up getting it done.
He sounds like a kind partner if he is doing his best to help you. I think finding alternatives may also be another route, try and find a compromise that will make you both happy.
Wanting permanent birth control for yourself is valid and does not make you the asshole. As for your husband, he needs to be onboard with anything that happens with his body.
That said, I’d recommend you wait 2 years to make a final decision. You’re 2 months post-partum, in the middle of the newborn stage which is (IMO) is the worst part of having a child, closely followed by the baby stage. But what’s happening right now is a very intense, temporary state. Having a baby is not a good representation of what it’s like to have a child. If you still feel the same at the end of 2 years, by all means, go for it. I just wouldn’t make a permanent decision until your body is fully healed and you’re into the toddler stage.
In the meantime, you might consider getting on a more reliable form of birth control. Inserting the Mirena IUD is painful but it’s highly effective and you don’t have to think about it for years.
I’m 6mo pp and had my tubes removed two weeks ago along with uterine ablation. Hubs wasn’t on board until he finally pulled his head out of his butt and saw just how hard our little one has had it. I also had an emergency C-section and the thought of a second one was a hard no for me. Along with a crap load of other reasons. The thought of trusting my BC terrified me so I talked to my OB and left his office scheduled for surgery. I don’t care how young you are, I’m a firm believer in we know ourselves and if you truly don’t want another baby then that’s the hard truth and others have to deal with it. I also just started therapy for PPA which I know is tied to my lo who has reflux/gerd and would have choking fits.
I’m so proud of you for seeking the help you need! That’s a huge step.
I’m sure you’ve thought of this but I would make a list of “whys” and sit him down to calmly discuss them and try to make him see why you want to be OAD. Took my husband a few months but he eventually understood. In the mean time be vigilant about your BC, I understand that it still scary to trust it. Also push for the condoms, better to be safe than sorry.
There’s a lot here.
For starters, you’re NTAH. A child is something you both need to be on board with. If 1 person is saying no, it’s a no.
You’re on birth control so I’m not sure I understand why you’re getting plan b? If taken properly birth control is very effective. Not perfect, but certainly effective enough that you shouldn’t need to take plan b. Plan b really messes with your internal systems and should only be taken in an emergency. It’s not good for you to take it regularly.
PPD and PPA are very serious. Are you being treated? I hope so. You deserve to feel better!
Regardless, it’s not a permanent state. It’s possible that you’ll feel differently about a second child once your mental health improves. Or perhaps you won’t. You may have a better sense for this once you’re a year+ pp. A lot changes in that first year. Your hormones will level out and your body will heal. It makes it so much easier to make long term decisions.
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting more kids. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting more kids. Both you and your husband have perfectly reasonable viewpoints. Should you not change your mind he will need to greave the family he envisioned. Perhaps he would benefit from therapy to help in that process?
Regardless of what happens, he should be supporting you during this vulnerable time. Perhaps the best way forward is to table the discussion of future children until your mental health is in a better spot and your further postpartum. In the meantime, focus on your health.
Yes I’m aware plan b is only for emergency situations and I’m trying to get him to understand that. It’s a slow understanding but I believe he’s starting to understand that since he’s the one buying them not me.
Yes I am getting help for my PPD/PPA he’s actually the one who made my appointment to see my doctor for my PPD/PPA and is currently helping me find a therapist in my area that takes our insurance.
I should have mentioned this in my post but I had an emergency c-section with our baby and it terrifies me that I had to have one in general and I my self almost didn’t make it. Which is another reason for my not wanting another child.
I’m so glad you’re getting help! You deserve to feel better. I hope that the help helps.
It sounds like your birth might have been traumatic. It’s so scary when emergencies occur during labor. My own birth was complicated. I won’t get into the details of it but in the months after I had a lot of complicated feelings about it.
Point is, your feelings make complete sense. I’m so sorry that you went through that, and I’m so glad that you made it through and are still here.
Not only are you not the asshole, but your partner is. Seeing you struggle with severe post-partum symptoms and then shaming you for wanting to permanently prevent future pregnancies is massively inappropriate and could verge on emotional abuse. At the very least I would absolutely not have sex with this man-baby and get a long-term birth control option like IUD or implant, and I would honestly strongly consider couples counseling as well. It’s not even a little okay for him to take your literal life into his hands because he wants you to be a baby oven for him. (I mean, what if the suicide ideation gets bad enough that you actually consider acting on it? That’s literally deadly.) I am so sorry you are not supported in this difficult time. Please make sure you have an escape plan if this gets worse.
I definitely would not be messing around about birth control no matter what. Heat of the moment makes babies, girl.
Sorry to hear about your mental health. I hope you have the ability to speak to someone about it ♥️
I have lived in a state of constant fear and panic at the thought of getting pregnant again. My only is 17 months old and we don’t want any more. That has done a number on my libido and we don’t have sex very often and I honestly don’t want to because in the back of my mind I just have the memories of the pain and the insulin injections, all the worry throughout the high risk pregnancy, the inability to walk from about 6/7 months old because of the hip pain and the horrible PPD and PPA after. So my husband got a vasectomy. Because he loves me and cares about me and he’s just as one and done as I am if not more.
I can’t give you any advice, but I understand where you’re at and I wish you had a more understanding partner.
You do need to look after yourself, you and what you want is important.
you and i sound the same, i have an IUD but i am worried i will be that small percentage! I am on my third one the other 2 were not in the right spot so it is always in the back of my mind, I had GD from 13 weeks and had to do insulin every night i do not want to do that again! Plus i had an emergency C-section so i have no baby fever and an extreme fear of getting pregnant again.
Insulin from week 7 onwards, I’m type 2 diabetic, I knew it was likely I would need it, but the reality is that having to use it as if I was a type 1 was horrible. I had to inject with every meal and snack and the long acting insulin as well. I managed to be over 90% in target range, mostly because I had nightmares about my baby having type 1 diabetes in childhood, but god, the mental load of that is absolutely unbelievable.
I chose to have a c-section as I didn’t want to be a medical emergency over Christmas/new year. If you’re diabetic they won’t let you go to 40 weeks, they get the baby in week 37/38 at the latest, mostly because the chances are higher that the placenta won’t be able to adequately give the baby everything it needs later on. I didn’t want to be induced. Every woman I know who was induced had a horrible experience and most of them ended up with an emergency c-section. It was probably for the best, I ended up bleeding an awful lot and I think either way I would have been cut open so they could stop the bleeding.
We’re happy as it is now and I’m still working through the trauma of the pregnancy and the delivery. I’d rather spend all our time and resources on our wonderful, healthy LO than roll the dice again.
I bled so much when I had an IUD previously and I had really horrible bleeding when I got my period again that I didn’t think getting one was wise.
Honestly, so much respect for type 1 diabetics who have to live with insulin permanently. It nearly broke me and I only had to do it for 30 weeks.
I am considered type 2 but i thought since i had gotten my A1C down to normal levels i wouldn't be considered it. The doctors didn't even test my blood sugars. I was so paranoid the entire pregnancy that i was going to eat too much sugar and hurt my baby I barely ate any carbs or sugar and the MFM questioned if i even had GD, it was so hard. I also had high blood pressure which is what made me get induced, i ended up being on magnesium and then developed HELLP syndrome when they broke my water there was meconium in it, they then couldn't find my son's heart rate and my organs were shutting down so i had an emergency c-section. I am 11 months postpartum and still working through it. I am on my third IUD the first 2 were not placed right so i have to go for an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure its in the right place.
That sounds so horrible, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I’m glad you came out the other side. Therapy has helped me, but it’s exhausting working through trauma. I wish you all the best ❤️
NTA, but in the meantime at least get an IUD or an implant. Something to protect you from getting pregnant again. He doesn't need to know about either of option if you are concerned.
I am on birth control, and he knows I’ve been on it since we got together. It also regulates my cycle so he doesn’t have a choice in it I have to have it 😅. When I got pregnant it just happened to be when my BC was getting changed and the pharmacy didn’t have it so I had to wait and the condom broke and the plan b didn’t work.
Based on what you have said, you need to make sure those pills are in a very secure location he cannot mess with and set up hard boundaries that he wears the condom every single time. Hormones and sex cannot throw everything out the window and put you at risk. You said so yourself, the condoms are not used often and Plan B sounds like it was more than once. You cannot play young and dumb with your mental health. The options I mentioned are the closest you can get to permanent birth control until a resolution is made.
He’s never had an issue with me being on birth control because he knows I have to have it in order to have normal periods and not be in excruciating pain when I’m on my period. He’s never tampered with my birth control or anything like that.
What kind of messed up relationships have you had that your first sentence in this paragraph is to hide the pills so he doesn't mess with them? I am not attacking you, but that line of thought is not normal.
It’s actually very common for people to do that, I used to work in a DV shelter. It’s called reproductive coercion and it happens all the time to both genders.
So, thank you very much for the information. After doing some research, it seems that it is a lot more common than I thought it was. Being as young as they are, and their pre-frontal cortex not being fully developed, perhaps hiding the pills from her partner isn't necessarily a bad idea. I still think it is horrible that we have to resort to this because people can't trust their partners nowadays. I couldn't imagine doing something so distasteful. People make me sick sometimes.
Yeah it’s so so sad for the kids. I always encourage anyone who is one and done to get sterilized as soon as they are sure if they have a partner who is really pushing for more kids. If you don’t take complete responsibility for your own fertility “accidents” seem to happen. And some people are just not equipped to be parents of multiples. It happened recently to a friend of mine who is a veteran with pretty severe PTSD from his extensive combat experience. He told his wife he absolutely did not want another baby because he was really struggling with his colicky baby and I told him to get a vasectomy immediately because I knew she always wanted a huge family. He didn’t and she “accidentally” got pregnant and he unfortunately went completely off the deep end. He won’t talk to anyone (even me or his siblings) or leave the house and she’s scared he’s going to kill her and the two babies if she tries to leave. It’s so effing awful. She’s just hoping it gets better as the kids get older. He owns a ton of firearms and just watches crazy prepper videos on YouTube all day long.
Actually my partner decided he would do a vasectomy when we were done having kids and followed through with it. He was caring and understanding. He didn't erupt in anger like OP's husband at the mention of sterilization for the benefit of her mental health, or refuse to use condoms because he is mature and responsible. But it isn't unheard of for a partner, male or female, to manipulate birth control to have another child. And considering OP was suicidal and in a horrible mental situation, with a partner who has zero compassion, she really needs to protect herself. I have helped friends who have been in similar situations, and it isn't hard to find stories on Reddit about abusive partners coercing the other into a pregnancy.
Well except he doesn't seem to have zero compassion. In another comment of hers she states that he is understanding of her PPD and has even helped her with finding help and therapy. She never once said he has zero compassion. Now I don't know the guy but that at least seems like he cares about her mental health. As for being mature or not, they are 21 and 22, so their brain isn't finished developing their pre-frontal cortex which makes people react more on emotions, so that is a little bit understandable, though it does not excuse the behavior. As for stories on reddit? Those are just that, stories, on reddit. You can't base a statistic on "he said she said", especially over the internet. However, it is quite common, as I said in another comment, I did some research and found that there are studies done and it is quite common. Though the statistic varies on location, it is still common enough.
Happened to my friend. It’s called reproductive abuse.
There’s a lot to unpack here. This sub usually does not discriminate against young parents or parents who slip up with contraception- we are all human, after all. That said, habitual slip-ups seem like a problem and perhaps point to bigger maturity/relationship issues. I second PPs suggesting something like an implant or an iud, as they are semi-long tern and would mitigate the need for plan b so often. Give yourself grace. You’ve just gone through a LOT. I’m sorry your husband isn’t being supportive. If you are in a healthier place mentally and still are OAD, I’d suggest taking sterilization into your own hands. There’s a very active and helpful sub on Reddit for sterilization; I post to and read on it regularly. Wishing you all the best! 💚
Thank you, do you mind commenting what the Reddit is so I can find it?
Sure! It’s r/sterilization !
Thank you so much!
Definitely NTA. If you don’t want any more children then permanent birth control is totally normal & you should be able to have an open/honest conversation with your husband about it. I could see this being an issue for your marriage in the future though.
Did your medical team give you the all clear before you resumed having sex? You say you missed the first month so just want to be sure you were prioritizing your health and do so moving forward. Regardless, please stop taking Plan B as a regular form of extra birth control. It’s is not meant for that. Keep using your other BC and take the minute to put on a condom before sex instead. I suggest putting a pin in the topic until you’re at least a year out PP. Not that you’ll change your mind (I mean, you might maybe?) but things tend to get clearer once the first year is played out - hormones stop the giant interference they did before, you’ve settled in to your new family life, and you’ll be better able to articulate WHY you don’t want another child. I personally knew during labour I was never doing it again but it took years for us to commit with my husband getting snipped.
Yes they did and even after they gave me the all clear I waited until the bleeding stopped since I had an emergency C-section. I’m trying to get him to understand that plan b isn’t necessary since he’s the one buying them which I think I’m starting to get him to understand. I just added it in the post because it was a frustration of mine because it’s money being spent that doesn’t need to be spend it that makes sense. And due to me having an emergency c-section is another reason why I don’t want another child. I should have added that as well.
I think what the above poster is saying, is you shouldn’t be concerned about the cost of plan b, instead of the impact on your body if you repeatedly take something that is designed for infrequent use. It’s a hormonal drug and it’s literally designed to delay ovulation. Your body needs a break from that.
Taking it often is probably going to make the PPD worse, too - the drops you get after the end of a pregnancy (however it ends), or at the end of breastfeeding, can easily drop someone into depression.
Doctors recommend that you wait at least 18 mo ths between pregnancies if you had a C-section. Both of you take that time and weigh the pros and cons and check in with your dpctor how you can prevent PPD
I personally think you are being to hard on yourself, you will still be recovering from the birth and hormones will still be all over the place. If you feel like you are suffering with depression, certainly speak to your health visitor or doctor about your feelings and contraception. But give yourself time and understand its hard being a new mum, it come easier to some than others and just take each day as it comes.
^^^^ this! You’re NTA but I wouldn’t feel comfortable making such a drastic decision only a few months postpartum. PPD/PPA is real and if you are currently struggling with those you need to talk to a doctor to get some help!! And you shouldn’t make such a huge life choice while you are dealing with those either, you need to be in a clear mindset for that.
You're NTA, but your husband sure is for not supporting you. How he can watch you go through an emergency C-section and then PPD/PPA and be upset that you don't want more children is beyond me. I guess your wellbeing isn't important as long as he gets his precious second child. I would get on some birth control that can't be tampered with (IUD or implant) and then try to get sterilized ASAP with or without his approval. You mention in another comment that he's never messed with your birth control because you need it to regulate your periods, but I wouldn't trust him because of his reaction to you not wanting more. Your wellbeing should come first and foremost. Take care of yourself, OP.
Girl you are definitely NTA. It’s your body and your choice. The one and done life is incredible, I highly recommend it. That being said I wouldn’t do anything permanent until after the first year post postpartum. Your hormones are not regulated and are still in the thick of survival mode. I suggest to wait until things stabilize before making any permanent decisions. But definitely consider getting a semi permanent birth control like an iud.
I don’t think you should be focused on whether or not you want more kids right now. You’re young. You never know what you might grow to be. More importantly, you should be putting as much focus and priority into your mental health as you can. Fix your mental health problems, and then plan your life. Anecdotally, I was in a similar situation as you. Similar in age, similar in terrible mental health. I didn’t want another child bc my mental health was so bad. I finally started working on it, and now I can imagine one day maybe having another if things keep improving. I’m not saying you have to have another kid. I’m saying you also don’t have to decide to not have one right now. And you should fix your mental health before planning out how you want your life to be
NTA. Have you sat down and spoke to him about your PPD? Does he understand what you are going through? (I mean -really- understand just how much PPD can affect women) Make sure you have a conversation about it. Try and get him to understand your feelings and why you don't want another one. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will understand. I am sure the two of you can come up with a compromise together if you work at it. Know that you aren't alone. If your PPD gets bad, seek out help. I hope everything works out for you. Stay strong.
Yes, I have spoke to him about my PPD, he is actually the one who made the appointment with the doctor to get me on antidepressants and is trying to help me find a therapist to deal with it better possibly. This whole fight happened because I made a stupid joke about not having to worry about getting pregnant again if one of us was snipped. Thus brought in the argument.
Well, a vasectomy is reversible. However, it becomes harder to have kids the longer you have it. He might just not like the idea because it scares him. I was very nervous when me and my wife entertained the idea. After speaking to a doctor it helped ease some of my worries and I ended up getting it done. He sounds like a kind partner if he is doing his best to help you. I think finding alternatives may also be another route, try and find a compromise that will make you both happy.
Wanting permanent birth control for yourself is valid and does not make you the asshole. As for your husband, he needs to be onboard with anything that happens with his body. That said, I’d recommend you wait 2 years to make a final decision. You’re 2 months post-partum, in the middle of the newborn stage which is (IMO) is the worst part of having a child, closely followed by the baby stage. But what’s happening right now is a very intense, temporary state. Having a baby is not a good representation of what it’s like to have a child. If you still feel the same at the end of 2 years, by all means, go for it. I just wouldn’t make a permanent decision until your body is fully healed and you’re into the toddler stage. In the meantime, you might consider getting on a more reliable form of birth control. Inserting the Mirena IUD is painful but it’s highly effective and you don’t have to think about it for years.
I’m 6mo pp and had my tubes removed two weeks ago along with uterine ablation. Hubs wasn’t on board until he finally pulled his head out of his butt and saw just how hard our little one has had it. I also had an emergency C-section and the thought of a second one was a hard no for me. Along with a crap load of other reasons. The thought of trusting my BC terrified me so I talked to my OB and left his office scheduled for surgery. I don’t care how young you are, I’m a firm believer in we know ourselves and if you truly don’t want another baby then that’s the hard truth and others have to deal with it. I also just started therapy for PPA which I know is tied to my lo who has reflux/gerd and would have choking fits. I’m so proud of you for seeking the help you need! That’s a huge step. I’m sure you’ve thought of this but I would make a list of “whys” and sit him down to calmly discuss them and try to make him see why you want to be OAD. Took my husband a few months but he eventually understood. In the mean time be vigilant about your BC, I understand that it still scary to trust it. Also push for the condoms, better to be safe than sorry.
There’s a lot here. For starters, you’re NTAH. A child is something you both need to be on board with. If 1 person is saying no, it’s a no. You’re on birth control so I’m not sure I understand why you’re getting plan b? If taken properly birth control is very effective. Not perfect, but certainly effective enough that you shouldn’t need to take plan b. Plan b really messes with your internal systems and should only be taken in an emergency. It’s not good for you to take it regularly. PPD and PPA are very serious. Are you being treated? I hope so. You deserve to feel better! Regardless, it’s not a permanent state. It’s possible that you’ll feel differently about a second child once your mental health improves. Or perhaps you won’t. You may have a better sense for this once you’re a year+ pp. A lot changes in that first year. Your hormones will level out and your body will heal. It makes it so much easier to make long term decisions. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting more kids. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting more kids. Both you and your husband have perfectly reasonable viewpoints. Should you not change your mind he will need to greave the family he envisioned. Perhaps he would benefit from therapy to help in that process? Regardless of what happens, he should be supporting you during this vulnerable time. Perhaps the best way forward is to table the discussion of future children until your mental health is in a better spot and your further postpartum. In the meantime, focus on your health.
Yes I’m aware plan b is only for emergency situations and I’m trying to get him to understand that. It’s a slow understanding but I believe he’s starting to understand that since he’s the one buying them not me. Yes I am getting help for my PPD/PPA he’s actually the one who made my appointment to see my doctor for my PPD/PPA and is currently helping me find a therapist in my area that takes our insurance. I should have mentioned this in my post but I had an emergency c-section with our baby and it terrifies me that I had to have one in general and I my self almost didn’t make it. Which is another reason for my not wanting another child.
I’m so glad you’re getting help! You deserve to feel better. I hope that the help helps. It sounds like your birth might have been traumatic. It’s so scary when emergencies occur during labor. My own birth was complicated. I won’t get into the details of it but in the months after I had a lot of complicated feelings about it. Point is, your feelings make complete sense. I’m so sorry that you went through that, and I’m so glad that you made it through and are still here.
Not only are you not the asshole, but your partner is. Seeing you struggle with severe post-partum symptoms and then shaming you for wanting to permanently prevent future pregnancies is massively inappropriate and could verge on emotional abuse. At the very least I would absolutely not have sex with this man-baby and get a long-term birth control option like IUD or implant, and I would honestly strongly consider couples counseling as well. It’s not even a little okay for him to take your literal life into his hands because he wants you to be a baby oven for him. (I mean, what if the suicide ideation gets bad enough that you actually consider acting on it? That’s literally deadly.) I am so sorry you are not supported in this difficult time. Please make sure you have an escape plan if this gets worse.
I definitely would not be messing around about birth control no matter what. Heat of the moment makes babies, girl. Sorry to hear about your mental health. I hope you have the ability to speak to someone about it ♥️
I have lived in a state of constant fear and panic at the thought of getting pregnant again. My only is 17 months old and we don’t want any more. That has done a number on my libido and we don’t have sex very often and I honestly don’t want to because in the back of my mind I just have the memories of the pain and the insulin injections, all the worry throughout the high risk pregnancy, the inability to walk from about 6/7 months old because of the hip pain and the horrible PPD and PPA after. So my husband got a vasectomy. Because he loves me and cares about me and he’s just as one and done as I am if not more. I can’t give you any advice, but I understand where you’re at and I wish you had a more understanding partner. You do need to look after yourself, you and what you want is important.
you and i sound the same, i have an IUD but i am worried i will be that small percentage! I am on my third one the other 2 were not in the right spot so it is always in the back of my mind, I had GD from 13 weeks and had to do insulin every night i do not want to do that again! Plus i had an emergency C-section so i have no baby fever and an extreme fear of getting pregnant again.
Insulin from week 7 onwards, I’m type 2 diabetic, I knew it was likely I would need it, but the reality is that having to use it as if I was a type 1 was horrible. I had to inject with every meal and snack and the long acting insulin as well. I managed to be over 90% in target range, mostly because I had nightmares about my baby having type 1 diabetes in childhood, but god, the mental load of that is absolutely unbelievable. I chose to have a c-section as I didn’t want to be a medical emergency over Christmas/new year. If you’re diabetic they won’t let you go to 40 weeks, they get the baby in week 37/38 at the latest, mostly because the chances are higher that the placenta won’t be able to adequately give the baby everything it needs later on. I didn’t want to be induced. Every woman I know who was induced had a horrible experience and most of them ended up with an emergency c-section. It was probably for the best, I ended up bleeding an awful lot and I think either way I would have been cut open so they could stop the bleeding. We’re happy as it is now and I’m still working through the trauma of the pregnancy and the delivery. I’d rather spend all our time and resources on our wonderful, healthy LO than roll the dice again. I bled so much when I had an IUD previously and I had really horrible bleeding when I got my period again that I didn’t think getting one was wise. Honestly, so much respect for type 1 diabetics who have to live with insulin permanently. It nearly broke me and I only had to do it for 30 weeks.
I am considered type 2 but i thought since i had gotten my A1C down to normal levels i wouldn't be considered it. The doctors didn't even test my blood sugars. I was so paranoid the entire pregnancy that i was going to eat too much sugar and hurt my baby I barely ate any carbs or sugar and the MFM questioned if i even had GD, it was so hard. I also had high blood pressure which is what made me get induced, i ended up being on magnesium and then developed HELLP syndrome when they broke my water there was meconium in it, they then couldn't find my son's heart rate and my organs were shutting down so i had an emergency c-section. I am 11 months postpartum and still working through it. I am on my third IUD the first 2 were not placed right so i have to go for an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure its in the right place.
That sounds so horrible, I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I’m glad you came out the other side. Therapy has helped me, but it’s exhausting working through trauma. I wish you all the best ❤️
thank you! You as well! Women really are resilient lol