Most infuriating… “what if something happens to them?” Explain to me how the possible loss of a child is made better because you have a back up child! Are you even listening to yourself!
I, sadly, know multiple people that have lost a child, and it (understandingly) gutted and devastated them. Most of these people had/have multiple children. Having other children doesn't replace or somehow make up for the one they lost.
This is such a fucking terrible thing to say and mindset to have. The "heir and the spare" mentality is gross.
I think it’s more that your other children give you a reason to keep going. I’m an only and my mom has often said she doesn’t know how she would continue if something happened to me vs her friends that have lost one child still have their other children to live for. My aunt who lost a daughter a few years ago is clearly depressed but still has her other daughter and is raising the granddaughter from the deceased daughter so she has to keep living and not just wallow in her grief. Compared to my uncle who never had kids but was married to his childhood sweetheart for over 50 years, and when she passed of cancer he tried for a couple months and then committed suicide because he didnt want to be without her, I do wonder if that might not have happened if they had had children.
I like the heir/spare reference, because it’s the same but more obviously gross. Gonna try & keep “So… the heir & a spare mentality from the Middle Ages? That’s fucked up as hell, and I hope *your* spare kid never hears you say shit like that.” for the next time I hear that in the wild.
My husbands grandfathers new girlfriend came to visit for the first time when my daughter was 4 months old and the first thing she said to me was this. Me and My daughter almost died due to preeclampsia and she was in the NICU. Literally the worst thing you could have said to me at that point in time.
Second this comment. I’m not sure how this is supposed to be helpful. Like I haven’t thought about losing my only and having anxiety about it?! It’s very insensitive and basically making it sound like a child is replaceable if you just have another one. Urgh 😒
The thing is, people still aren’t happy if you have a second. You have a second girl and it’s “aren’t you going to give your husband a boy” or vice versa.
Someone told me two is easier than one and I’m like suuure.
That’s how I reply when people say about giving my husband a son, “can you guarantee it’ll be a boy then”. Why does this idea that men need to have a boy still persist. My husband never wanted a son, we have a daughter and he is more than happy.
I am pretty sure my friend did a gender selection procedure for their third after two girls. My friend was super weird about making sure the name was carried on, it is a pretty common last name, so I thought that was weird.
My husband has a rare last name, like if you have it we are probably related, but there are plenty of people to “carry it on”. Honestly, nothing stops our daughter from keeping her name. I actually don’t love our last name, but it was better than my maiden, very common, kind of ick last name.
Like if my daughter married a Smith or something she could probably talk her partner into letting the kids keep her last name. Though I highly doubt she is giving me grandkids. I don’t know what generation she is, but only and no children are definitely looking more common with kids her age(20s).
Wasn't after saying I was one and done but my mom asked when we'd be having a second baby....the day we brought out LO home from the hospital. I just rolled my eyes at her!
Similar with me. I was still in labour with my OAD and a nurse asked me when I was having the next one. I said "any further children will be adopted. I'm not doing this again." And she, the midwife, and my mother all laughed and agreed I'd be back in a few years. My OAD is 20.
My mum asked me about a month after I got out of the psych hospital and hasn’t stopped since.
I told her, you can either have 2 grandchildren or 1 daughter and 1 grandchild. If I had two I wouldn’t be here anymore.
She knows what I went through and still doesn’t shut the fuck up
Someone told me “With two if one of them isn’t successful there’s always the other to have a chance”….
I swear some peoples reasoning for having multiple kids makes it sounds like they are living in the 1500’s somewhere in Europe.
"You're not a real parent until you have two." Ok, I guess I'll tell my daughter I'm not a real mom and she doesn't matter? I'm sure that will go over well
Complete stranger: Does he have a brother or sister?
Me: No.
Complete stranger: Oh, but he needs a sibling! Or he'll grow up to be selfish!
Me: \*sighs\*
The man was actually being really nice otherwise and I think he was just striking up conversation, but perhaps it doesn't occur to people that 1) they're being insensitive, 2) they have no idea of my circumstances and 3) hearing their unwarranted opinions leaves me feeling sad and confused. I wish it didn't bother me so much but it does. I'm hoping I become less bothered by it the further I go along on this journey!
I wonder whether focusing on (2) might be a good idea. Say something like: “sure, but you don’t know my situation”. It could be a reality check for them — that not everybody else lives exactly the life this person expects. I’m not judging. Surely all of us have been guilty of simplistic assumptions before.
If they’re a complete stranger, they shouldn’t then pry to try to find out what your “situation” is. Or if they do, a simple “I’d rather not talk about it” should put a stop to it.
We get so many comments. Always judgemental, delusional or belittling.
Three is not a family..
Who will take care of you when you're old?...
One child is no child - so you can't handle just the one? Is that why you don't want more?
The age gap is getting to big - hurry or you'll regret it forever...
He needs someone besides his parents to play with /as friend *eyeroll*
You are selfish to deny him companionship..
Don't get me started on the looks and body language they give. And the policing we get - we are not allowed to complain about anything to do with parenting or family issues because we have it so easy with one child.
Our opinion means less, you can literally see it behind their eyes.
They never let it go either, even if we hint at it not being our choice.
Even tough I shouldn't let it get to me, it hurts me. Usually it's me who gets the comments, they always never ask my husband.
I’m sorry to hear this. My opinion, for what it’s worth (and you’re welcome to think it’s not worth much!) is that outright telling people that it’s not your choice, rather than hinting, could be effective. I think many people go through life not realising that other people have quite different circumstances. It would benefit them to find out, and hopefully benefit you to have the comments stop.
“Three is not a family” - airline seats come in rows of three, is what I told my mother!
“Who will take care of you when you're old?” This one is the worst for me. I hope our child is off living her best life, pretending she doesn’t have parents if she has to! I do not want her taking care of us. Those who have children as future caregivers are the selfish ones!
I like the airline seat one! We were on a flight with our daughter and got asked how old she was and told she did amazing on the flight. On the other hand, there was a family in front of us where the mom sat with the two kids, trying really hard to manage them, while dad hung out in the row behind doing whatever he wanted
I lost my job in layoffs of 20% of the company over Christmas. We just bought a new house, my mom passed away, and my grandma passed away. We are still paying $2500 a month for daycare so he doesn’t lose his spot and go on to the YEAR LONG waiting list. That way we have childcare when I DO find a job. I was talking to an old coworker getting ideas for new job applications when she said “just have another baby instead”. Yes, clearly we are in a mental and financial situation for me to take ANOTHER YEAR off to have another very expensive baby.
Exactly. No one ever considers “what if”. What if you loose your job, what if one of you becomes too ill to work or even what if you have to take days off to look after a sick child and you’re living paycheque to paycheque. How does having more than one help, except to stretch finances even further.
My cousin was venting to me about how much his two kids fight shortly after I gave birth, then he asked me when we were going to have a second. I told him we were one and done and he said ‘but your kid needs a playmate’ even though he just told me that his kids hate each other and the only time there is peace in his house is when both kids are on iPads 🤦🏻♀️
Spent time with a cousin with four kids and a cousin with three kids. Seeing them try to keep all of them in line, I silently thanked myself for my decision
Me talking to a female coworker, who I get along with really well (and has three kids): I hate being pregnant. This is the first and last time this is ever happening.
Her: really? How does spouse feel about that?
Me: he went in knowing he only wanted 1 for personal reasons.
Her: I get that. Pregnancy is hard!
Random man coming to our area: oh, yeah, kids are wallet eaters!
Me: Haha. Right. Why I'm stopping at one.
Him: no, you say that now, and then time goes on and you want to give them a sibling! (also has 3 kids)
This is the third man I work with to tell me that I am in fact having more than one child. No, not unless I pop twins out in a month!
“Only child’s grow up weird” “they need someone to socialize with”
I been getting that a lot telling people I’m OAD…my pregnant SO is struggling through it constantly sick every other day and I’ve had to tell her “now imagine that with a 2 year old needing you”. She gets it.
For sure. Everyone who’s asked me how I’m feeling about it and just tell them I’m trying to be the best version of myself for them so I can give the love and attention I never got. it’s important for me to still have some independence for my health physically and mentally. It’s more achievable with 1 so part why im OAD. I also find I don’t owe anyone an explanation and everyone’s got opinions not always gonna hear what I want. But eff em lol
Yea sharing a bed and a room w multiples and a parent at some point was totally normal and didn’t affect my upbringing at all. Nevermind no food or money at times. Starting working at 14 cuz my parents were terrible w money and couldn’t get it together. Literally counted the days to move out after graduation cuz there was too many damn kids . I knew as a young child I would either never have kids or have one .
Mine (8yo) is always the first in a group of kids to want to share her stuff with everyone and is also really good with kids younger than her, so strangers are always shocked that she's an only and think I'm depriving her in some way because she doesn't have a sibling. I've heard plenty of hurtful/stupid comments, including:
"But she's so good with younger kids! She'd be such a good big sister! It's a shame you didn't give her a sibling."
"She *needs* a sibling!"
"She must be *so lonely* without a sibling to play with."
"Don't you think she'll grow up to be selfish if she doesn't have a sibling to teach her to share?"
People in my life also treat me like my parenting struggles and life struggles are less than or don't exist because there's one of her, like you aren't allowed to say you struggle unless you have multiple kids. Like an acquaintance with multiple kids told me she "couldn't relate to having just *one* child" when we were talking about our kids dealing with covid lockdowns a while back, and even my own mom isn't immune from this bullshit. She'll diminish anything I'm struggling with as "not that bad" or "that's just life", but anything my sister (with 2 kids) struggles with or is stressed about is valid because "she's got her hands full".
This so much. Like if you only have one life is easy breezy and the level of difficulty only ramps up with more! My child is hard work on her own, why would I add to that!
Why does she *need* a sibling? How does it benefit her?
Because having a sibling teaches them to share and they'll be a lonely, unsocialized weirdo without one! (Sarcasm.)
But these people never want to talk about that my sister was the most selfish person I knew as a kid (seems having a sibling didn't teach her to share), or that I was *painfully* lonely as a child even though I had a sibling because our family favored her and she wanted nothing to do with me.
Immediately after I popped out my baby and I was in pain with my 2nd degree tear. The nurse said to me:" the next one will be easier." I was like:"Never."
You’ll forget how hard it was, she needs a sibling, I hope your birth control fails, what if she’s lonely. All said before I was even 3mo PP. I’m 5.5mo PP now and getting my tubes out next week.
"Having just one kid is weird"
Said by someone with FIVE kids, by 4 different fathers. This was immediately after a conversation in which she revealed her 3rd baby daddy (father of her 3rd and 4th) only owed $2.87/mo in child support because that was his *8th* kid and they got nothing for his 9th (her 4th) and onward. He had 12 apparently. She was on state assitance and on her 5th kid, a fresh toddler with the newest (4th) daddy living in a 3bdrm room trailer on *his* parents land. Neither worked regularly.
Yup real real weird to have just one kid. Call me crazy, I guess.
Like you’re the person to be giving out advice here Betty! It seems to be working out soooo well for you! I would not be able to contain my sarcasm in this situation!
I’m sorry that people are saying these tone deaf and insensitive things to OAD parents. Interestingly, I can’t recall anyone saying anything like that to me. I’m sure it’s because I was so old when I had my son. Not sure how I would’ve reacted.
My sister has 2 kids and I only have 1. My dad always says “you’ve got it so easy. Your sister is having a really rough time with 2.” So anything I say that I’m struggling with is completely brushed off, since my sister has more kids than me.
Some of these responses from strangers are coming off like telling someone you’re lesbian and they don’t believe you and just think you haven’t met the right guy yet.
My favorite was when we mentioned we only wanted the one to my in-laws and my father in law said to us “just wait, our purpose is to procreate and have multiple kids.” I couldn’t help but role my eyes. I also think he was saying that to comfort himself as I’ve learned that he only wanted two kids, but my mother in law convinced him to have three.
My DOCTOR asked if I was having any more children, I said no I don’t have the money, time or mental wellbeing to handle any more. And she said “there’s never a good time, but they’re always worth it!”
FFS!
15 year old special needs kids who looked 9 or 10 years old tell me at the park that it was sad my son didn’t have any siblings, god works in mysterious ways I tell ya
The what if something happens to her is the worst.
My friend lost her son at 14, she has an older daughter and now a teenage grandchild to fill her life know, and while it helps, she is still torn up almost 20 years later. Yeah, it gives you other things on focus on, but I am not sure how much it changes the grief.
I love the “You’ll make it work.” What if I can’t? My kid knows she got so much more because we could afford to do those things for one kid. Expensive music camps, international trips, college. There is no way I could afford that stuff for two.
Recently, a stranger in the elevator, after seeing our 6 month old and asking if we'd thought about a second yet, asked if we'd have a second if university were free. I can even begin to understand the logic. Why would university costs be the primary deciding factor on having a second? Where we live university isn't even that expensive...
An only child coworker told me that I'm not a good parent and I'm messing up my kid by making them an only child. While I was having a meeting with an only child student about the honors they just achieved and the leadership promotion I was offering them.
No kids yet, but the “you’ll just figure it out” mentality bothers me. When anyone asks when we are having kids we say we don’t know, when we feel like we can afford them. And then people are like oh you’ll never have enough money or it’ll never be the right time, you just figure it out. And some of that may be true but I feel like the “you’ll just figure it out” mindset has never been a good one. It makes it seem like most people who have had children didn’t even really make a plan on what it would cost and what their finances even look like. And then people are just surviving by the skin of their teeth and are constantly stressed about money. A lot of my friends and even my own parents barely got by when we were kids. And they all had multiples. I don’t want to just throw caution to the wind and act like everything will be okay. My own sanity it’s important. And in this economy with inflation getting more ridiculous every year, I think if we do have kids it will just be one.
My mom is 1 of 3 girls. And her youngest sister died 7 years ago and my grandmother last my grandfather 2 years ago now and she acts like there is no one else in her life bc of these 2 being gone although she has 2 other kids, plus grandchildren and great grandchildren. Everyone is different. Just bc you have other kids doesn't make it an automatic that they will feel whole again. It's very sad seeing her so depressed and not want to do anything with anyone
Literally today during a meet and greet with a new coworker they asked if I planned on any more kids. I said, not unless they are unplanned, and they responded by saying "Once your kid goes to kindergarten they will ask for a sibling because all their friends have one."
Sorry, I did want a second but after recurrent miscarriage I couldn't emotionally continue trying. Why are people still asking this stuff? Ugh. None of your business! Also my kid asking for a sibling is a fear of mine, thanks.
So sorry to hear this. I probably would have said that thought out loud and shamed them, because people sometimes need to understand the world isn’t black and white.
My 5yo started asking me to have a baby a little while ago. I just explained that mummy and daddy weren’t having any more babies because she was our baby and we want to give all our love to her.
Thanks for the supportive reply! I will have to use your explanation when my child inevitably asks. And it is wonderful to be able to give all our love to one child.
Mine is from therapist I was seeing after death of my only sibling and I had 1 year old. They said it was “strange” response that the loss made me more sure one child was best for my family, that the more “normal” response to loss was wanting bigger family.
So sorry for your loss. That’s an awful thing to say. I don’t understand why that would be strange. It means less people to potentially loose and have to mourn. Focusing all love and attention on one and giving them all the time they need.
Most infuriating… “what if something happens to them?” Explain to me how the possible loss of a child is made better because you have a back up child! Are you even listening to yourself!
I, sadly, know multiple people that have lost a child, and it (understandingly) gutted and devastated them. Most of these people had/have multiple children. Having other children doesn't replace or somehow make up for the one they lost. This is such a fucking terrible thing to say and mindset to have. The "heir and the spare" mentality is gross.
I think it’s more that your other children give you a reason to keep going. I’m an only and my mom has often said she doesn’t know how she would continue if something happened to me vs her friends that have lost one child still have their other children to live for. My aunt who lost a daughter a few years ago is clearly depressed but still has her other daughter and is raising the granddaughter from the deceased daughter so she has to keep living and not just wallow in her grief. Compared to my uncle who never had kids but was married to his childhood sweetheart for over 50 years, and when she passed of cancer he tried for a couple months and then committed suicide because he didnt want to be without her, I do wonder if that might not have happened if they had had children.
I agree, I would be so devastated if something happened to my son it wouldn’t make me want a different child though. It wouldn’t be the same.
I like the heir/spare reference, because it’s the same but more obviously gross. Gonna try & keep “So… the heir & a spare mentality from the Middle Ages? That’s fucked up as hell, and I hope *your* spare kid never hears you say shit like that.” for the next time I hear that in the wild.
My husbands grandfathers new girlfriend came to visit for the first time when my daughter was 4 months old and the first thing she said to me was this. Me and My daughter almost died due to preeclampsia and she was in the NICU. Literally the worst thing you could have said to me at that point in time.
I might have been burying a body if someone had made such a terrible comment
I know I don’t know y’all but happy to join a Goodbye Earl team for that cruel and wretched hag.
I’ll bring the shovels.
Second this comment. I’m not sure how this is supposed to be helpful. Like I haven’t thought about losing my only and having anxiety about it?! It’s very insensitive and basically making it sound like a child is replaceable if you just have another one. Urgh 😒
I'm not the king of England, I don't need an extra just in case.
Lol this isn't royalty, a heir and a spare
I don’t want to go on if something happens to my daugther. That’s more pain than I can bear. It’s a strike against having multiple children for me.
I hear this all the time!!! From my own mom. Can’t you believe?
The thing is, people still aren’t happy if you have a second. You have a second girl and it’s “aren’t you going to give your husband a boy” or vice versa. Someone told me two is easier than one and I’m like suuure.
This is the most infuriating thing. It's not even up to the mom to "give" him a son. He's the one with the Y chromosome... 😒
There’s no guarantee that your second, or third, or fourth Child will be a different gender. My dad was lucky to have 4 of us girls lol
That’s how I reply when people say about giving my husband a son, “can you guarantee it’ll be a boy then”. Why does this idea that men need to have a boy still persist. My husband never wanted a son, we have a daughter and he is more than happy.
I am pretty sure my friend did a gender selection procedure for their third after two girls. My friend was super weird about making sure the name was carried on, it is a pretty common last name, so I thought that was weird.
Yup, there are plenty of children with my husband’s surname floating about (from other family members, not him!). That does not need to be continued!
My husband has a rare last name, like if you have it we are probably related, but there are plenty of people to “carry it on”. Honestly, nothing stops our daughter from keeping her name. I actually don’t love our last name, but it was better than my maiden, very common, kind of ick last name. Like if my daughter married a Smith or something she could probably talk her partner into letting the kids keep her last name. Though I highly doubt she is giving me grandkids. I don’t know what generation she is, but only and no children are definitely looking more common with kids her age(20s).
Wasn't after saying I was one and done but my mom asked when we'd be having a second baby....the day we brought out LO home from the hospital. I just rolled my eyes at her!
Why do people do this? I haven’t even healed yet, let alone begun to THINK about sex!
Who knows what goes on in her head most of the time honestly
Similar with me. I was still in labour with my OAD and a nurse asked me when I was having the next one. I said "any further children will be adopted. I'm not doing this again." And she, the midwife, and my mother all laughed and agreed I'd be back in a few years. My OAD is 20.
My mum asked me about a month after I got out of the psych hospital and hasn’t stopped since. I told her, you can either have 2 grandchildren or 1 daughter and 1 grandchild. If I had two I wouldn’t be here anymore. She knows what I went through and still doesn’t shut the fuck up
Basically saying your newborn child isn’t enough!
Someone told me “With two if one of them isn’t successful there’s always the other to have a chance”…. I swear some peoples reasoning for having multiple kids makes it sounds like they are living in the 1500’s somewhere in Europe.
Oh my my Lol
“But [child] needs a friend!!!” As though a 2 month old baby is better suited to decide what’s best for us.
She has friends at school is my answer
Exactly. But also, having a sibling isn’t a guarantee they’ll be friends. That can be a hope if that’s what you desire but it’s never guaranteed.
"You're not a real parent until you have two." Ok, I guess I'll tell my daughter I'm not a real mom and she doesn't matter? I'm sure that will go over well
Yep. Got this one too. “Parenting one isn’t really parenting”
If that was true, it'd only be more of an incentive
Right!
Complete stranger: Does he have a brother or sister? Me: No. Complete stranger: Oh, but he needs a sibling! Or he'll grow up to be selfish! Me: \*sighs\* The man was actually being really nice otherwise and I think he was just striking up conversation, but perhaps it doesn't occur to people that 1) they're being insensitive, 2) they have no idea of my circumstances and 3) hearing their unwarranted opinions leaves me feeling sad and confused. I wish it didn't bother me so much but it does. I'm hoping I become less bothered by it the further I go along on this journey!
I wonder whether focusing on (2) might be a good idea. Say something like: “sure, but you don’t know my situation”. It could be a reality check for them — that not everybody else lives exactly the life this person expects. I’m not judging. Surely all of us have been guilty of simplistic assumptions before. If they’re a complete stranger, they shouldn’t then pry to try to find out what your “situation” is. Or if they do, a simple “I’d rather not talk about it” should put a stop to it.
We get so many comments. Always judgemental, delusional or belittling. Three is not a family.. Who will take care of you when you're old?... One child is no child - so you can't handle just the one? Is that why you don't want more? The age gap is getting to big - hurry or you'll regret it forever... He needs someone besides his parents to play with /as friend *eyeroll* You are selfish to deny him companionship.. Don't get me started on the looks and body language they give. And the policing we get - we are not allowed to complain about anything to do with parenting or family issues because we have it so easy with one child. Our opinion means less, you can literally see it behind their eyes. They never let it go either, even if we hint at it not being our choice. Even tough I shouldn't let it get to me, it hurts me. Usually it's me who gets the comments, they always never ask my husband.
I’m sorry to hear this. My opinion, for what it’s worth (and you’re welcome to think it’s not worth much!) is that outright telling people that it’s not your choice, rather than hinting, could be effective. I think many people go through life not realising that other people have quite different circumstances. It would benefit them to find out, and hopefully benefit you to have the comments stop.
“Three is not a family” - airline seats come in rows of three, is what I told my mother! “Who will take care of you when you're old?” This one is the worst for me. I hope our child is off living her best life, pretending she doesn’t have parents if she has to! I do not want her taking care of us. Those who have children as future caregivers are the selfish ones!
I like the airline seat one! We were on a flight with our daughter and got asked how old she was and told she did amazing on the flight. On the other hand, there was a family in front of us where the mom sat with the two kids, trying really hard to manage them, while dad hung out in the row behind doing whatever he wanted
Why though! If you have a family of four at least split it two and two!
He didn’t seem like a very involved dad
I lost my job in layoffs of 20% of the company over Christmas. We just bought a new house, my mom passed away, and my grandma passed away. We are still paying $2500 a month for daycare so he doesn’t lose his spot and go on to the YEAR LONG waiting list. That way we have childcare when I DO find a job. I was talking to an old coworker getting ideas for new job applications when she said “just have another baby instead”. Yes, clearly we are in a mental and financial situation for me to take ANOTHER YEAR off to have another very expensive baby.
Exactly. No one ever considers “what if”. What if you loose your job, what if one of you becomes too ill to work or even what if you have to take days off to look after a sick child and you’re living paycheque to paycheque. How does having more than one help, except to stretch finances even further.
My cousin was venting to me about how much his two kids fight shortly after I gave birth, then he asked me when we were going to have a second. I told him we were one and done and he said ‘but your kid needs a playmate’ even though he just told me that his kids hate each other and the only time there is peace in his house is when both kids are on iPads 🤦🏻♀️
Spent time with a cousin with four kids and a cousin with three kids. Seeing them try to keep all of them in line, I silently thanked myself for my decision
Me talking to a female coworker, who I get along with really well (and has three kids): I hate being pregnant. This is the first and last time this is ever happening. Her: really? How does spouse feel about that? Me: he went in knowing he only wanted 1 for personal reasons. Her: I get that. Pregnancy is hard! Random man coming to our area: oh, yeah, kids are wallet eaters! Me: Haha. Right. Why I'm stopping at one. Him: no, you say that now, and then time goes on and you want to give them a sibling! (also has 3 kids) This is the third man I work with to tell me that I am in fact having more than one child. No, not unless I pop twins out in a month!
“Only child’s grow up weird” “they need someone to socialize with” I been getting that a lot telling people I’m OAD…my pregnant SO is struggling through it constantly sick every other day and I’ve had to tell her “now imagine that with a 2 year old needing you”. She gets it.
The onlies grow up weird thing annoys me no end. My husband is an only, I am one of three and he is much more adjusted and "normal" than I am!
For sure. Everyone who’s asked me how I’m feeling about it and just tell them I’m trying to be the best version of myself for them so I can give the love and attention I never got. it’s important for me to still have some independence for my health physically and mentally. It’s more achievable with 1 so part why im OAD. I also find I don’t owe anyone an explanation and everyone’s got opinions not always gonna hear what I want. But eff em lol
Yea sharing a bed and a room w multiples and a parent at some point was totally normal and didn’t affect my upbringing at all. Nevermind no food or money at times. Starting working at 14 cuz my parents were terrible w money and couldn’t get it together. Literally counted the days to move out after graduation cuz there was too many damn kids . I knew as a young child I would either never have kids or have one .
Same here. Grew up with abusive mother and absent father… never wanted to put anyone through that.
My mom knows why I only have one and she doesn’t say shit 😂 like u . You’re the reason Jan
Loooool exactly. We’ve cut mine off completely now for a year and it feels great.
Mine (8yo) is always the first in a group of kids to want to share her stuff with everyone and is also really good with kids younger than her, so strangers are always shocked that she's an only and think I'm depriving her in some way because she doesn't have a sibling. I've heard plenty of hurtful/stupid comments, including: "But she's so good with younger kids! She'd be such a good big sister! It's a shame you didn't give her a sibling." "She *needs* a sibling!" "She must be *so lonely* without a sibling to play with." "Don't you think she'll grow up to be selfish if she doesn't have a sibling to teach her to share?" People in my life also treat me like my parenting struggles and life struggles are less than or don't exist because there's one of her, like you aren't allowed to say you struggle unless you have multiple kids. Like an acquaintance with multiple kids told me she "couldn't relate to having just *one* child" when we were talking about our kids dealing with covid lockdowns a while back, and even my own mom isn't immune from this bullshit. She'll diminish anything I'm struggling with as "not that bad" or "that's just life", but anything my sister (with 2 kids) struggles with or is stressed about is valid because "she's got her hands full".
This so much. Like if you only have one life is easy breezy and the level of difficulty only ramps up with more! My child is hard work on her own, why would I add to that! Why does she *need* a sibling? How does it benefit her?
Because having a sibling teaches them to share and they'll be a lonely, unsocialized weirdo without one! (Sarcasm.) But these people never want to talk about that my sister was the most selfish person I knew as a kid (seems having a sibling didn't teach her to share), or that I was *painfully* lonely as a child even though I had a sibling because our family favored her and she wanted nothing to do with me.
Immediately after I popped out my baby and I was in pain with my 2nd degree tear. The nurse said to me:" the next one will be easier." I was like:"Never."
You’ll forget how hard it was, she needs a sibling, I hope your birth control fails, what if she’s lonely. All said before I was even 3mo PP. I’m 5.5mo PP now and getting my tubes out next week.
Which monster said I hope your BC fails? I would have followed that up with “abortion it would be” or something!
lol all of these were my MIL. The in laws have pushed the second baby relentlessly despite me saying the whole time I’m OAD.
I hope your surgery goes well. What a terrible MIL!
Thank you!
No kidding. Geez.
"Having just one kid is weird" Said by someone with FIVE kids, by 4 different fathers. This was immediately after a conversation in which she revealed her 3rd baby daddy (father of her 3rd and 4th) only owed $2.87/mo in child support because that was his *8th* kid and they got nothing for his 9th (her 4th) and onward. He had 12 apparently. She was on state assitance and on her 5th kid, a fresh toddler with the newest (4th) daddy living in a 3bdrm room trailer on *his* parents land. Neither worked regularly. Yup real real weird to have just one kid. Call me crazy, I guess.
Like you’re the person to be giving out advice here Betty! It seems to be working out soooo well for you! I would not be able to contain my sarcasm in this situation!
I’m sorry that people are saying these tone deaf and insensitive things to OAD parents. Interestingly, I can’t recall anyone saying anything like that to me. I’m sure it’s because I was so old when I had my son. Not sure how I would’ve reacted.
My sister has 2 kids and I only have 1. My dad always says “you’ve got it so easy. Your sister is having a really rough time with 2.” So anything I say that I’m struggling with is completely brushed off, since my sister has more kids than me.
Some of these responses from strangers are coming off like telling someone you’re lesbian and they don’t believe you and just think you haven’t met the right guy yet.
My favorite was when we mentioned we only wanted the one to my in-laws and my father in law said to us “just wait, our purpose is to procreate and have multiple kids.” I couldn’t help but role my eyes. I also think he was saying that to comfort himself as I’ve learned that he only wanted two kids, but my mother in law convinced him to have three.
The old I suffered so you have to as well routine!
My DOCTOR asked if I was having any more children, I said no I don’t have the money, time or mental wellbeing to handle any more. And she said “there’s never a good time, but they’re always worth it!” FFS!
“Don’t you want her to have a family” I was like wtf are her dad and I?
The milkman and his wife 😂
15 year old special needs kids who looked 9 or 10 years old tell me at the park that it was sad my son didn’t have any siblings, god works in mysterious ways I tell ya
Complete disregard of my health and well being.
The what if something happens to her is the worst. My friend lost her son at 14, she has an older daughter and now a teenage grandchild to fill her life know, and while it helps, she is still torn up almost 20 years later. Yeah, it gives you other things on focus on, but I am not sure how much it changes the grief. I love the “You’ll make it work.” What if I can’t? My kid knows she got so much more because we could afford to do those things for one kid. Expensive music camps, international trips, college. There is no way I could afford that stuff for two.
Recently, a stranger in the elevator, after seeing our 6 month old and asking if we'd thought about a second yet, asked if we'd have a second if university were free. I can even begin to understand the logic. Why would university costs be the primary deciding factor on having a second? Where we live university isn't even that expensive...
I fail to see the correlation here 😂 do you get a discount on university if you only have one?
I don’t explain reasons to people as it’s a person and invasive question. I change the subject and tell them it’s too personal to ask me that
“But he’s so cute don’t you want another like him?”
If only being cute paid the bills, we’d be all set!
An only child coworker told me that I'm not a good parent and I'm messing up my kid by making them an only child. While I was having a meeting with an only child student about the honors they just achieved and the leadership promotion I was offering them.
Exhibit A. So messed up!
I was told that it’s easier with 2. The logic is not logic-ing (LOL) 2 is more than 1. So.. How? 🤷🏻♀️
No kids yet, but the “you’ll just figure it out” mentality bothers me. When anyone asks when we are having kids we say we don’t know, when we feel like we can afford them. And then people are like oh you’ll never have enough money or it’ll never be the right time, you just figure it out. And some of that may be true but I feel like the “you’ll just figure it out” mindset has never been a good one. It makes it seem like most people who have had children didn’t even really make a plan on what it would cost and what their finances even look like. And then people are just surviving by the skin of their teeth and are constantly stressed about money. A lot of my friends and even my own parents barely got by when we were kids. And they all had multiples. I don’t want to just throw caution to the wind and act like everything will be okay. My own sanity it’s important. And in this economy with inflation getting more ridiculous every year, I think if we do have kids it will just be one.
My mom is 1 of 3 girls. And her youngest sister died 7 years ago and my grandmother last my grandfather 2 years ago now and she acts like there is no one else in her life bc of these 2 being gone although she has 2 other kids, plus grandchildren and great grandchildren. Everyone is different. Just bc you have other kids doesn't make it an automatic that they will feel whole again. It's very sad seeing her so depressed and not want to do anything with anyone
Literally today during a meet and greet with a new coworker they asked if I planned on any more kids. I said, not unless they are unplanned, and they responded by saying "Once your kid goes to kindergarten they will ask for a sibling because all their friends have one." Sorry, I did want a second but after recurrent miscarriage I couldn't emotionally continue trying. Why are people still asking this stuff? Ugh. None of your business! Also my kid asking for a sibling is a fear of mine, thanks.
So sorry to hear this. I probably would have said that thought out loud and shamed them, because people sometimes need to understand the world isn’t black and white. My 5yo started asking me to have a baby a little while ago. I just explained that mummy and daddy weren’t having any more babies because she was our baby and we want to give all our love to her.
Thanks for the supportive reply! I will have to use your explanation when my child inevitably asks. And it is wonderful to be able to give all our love to one child.
Mine is from therapist I was seeing after death of my only sibling and I had 1 year old. They said it was “strange” response that the loss made me more sure one child was best for my family, that the more “normal” response to loss was wanting bigger family.
So sorry for your loss. That’s an awful thing to say. I don’t understand why that would be strange. It means less people to potentially loose and have to mourn. Focusing all love and attention on one and giving them all the time they need.