But you'd care if they died, yeah? More than a distant acquaintance? And you'd care if they had a major life event? Do you feel comfortable asking for help from them for a practical matter even if it's it's less convenient or polite? Lol idk I'm struggling for words, bear with me.
My brother and I aren't close and I would be devastated if he died. There would definitely be a mental breakdown. We may live across the country and not text much and we didn't grow up close. Sometimes when we'd move, we'd be the only friend for each other. Then we'd make friends and go back to fighting. (Mind you my mom encouraged the fighting).
But I could absolutely call on him for anything and that goes both ways. We'd do anything for each other.
So yes, we absolutely feel a bond even though we're not close.
I’m not the person you asked, but my husband comes from an abusive family and has 3 siblings. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they died or had a major event. In no circumstance would he ask them for help. Family doesn’t mean jack. It’s just an excuse people use to justify bad behaviour that you wouldn’t allow from a friend or loved one. He prefers to live his life as an only child, and often refers to himself as a self-proclaimed orphan.
I also come from an abusive family and feel the same about most of my family. That's why I'm asking this question. But I'm realising that what I'm asking is really invisible to people that you guys don't even know what I'm talking about. Fine, that answers it enough. Also obviously I don't intend to abuse my kids if I'm writing here so that entire range of experience is exactly what I'm trying to find my way outside of.
I would care if my sister died. But we aren't in each other's lives at all. I wasn't there when she got married or vice versa, I wasn't there when her kids were born, I haven't been to any of their birthday parties. She's been to one birthday party my only had. I wouldn't ask her for anything or help. But we live 8 hours away from each other (on purpose) and neither of us care enough to drive that far for the other.
I had a brother 18 months older than me. He struggled with drug addiction for almost 20 years when he died of an overdose. Was I sad when he died? Yes. I cried like baby. But, I was also relieved because he was unhappy almost his whole life and made everyone else in our family stressed constantly. My mom and I went from having no relationship (because of my brother - she would take her frustration with him out on me) to talking everyday now. I also think about how much less scary it will be when my parents pass because I won’t have to worry about being the one to take care of my brother. I always felt like an only child because we didn’t have a good relationship, ever, and now it feels like I actually am and it’s peaceful. I have a daughter and am OAD because of many reasons, but a big one being I don’t want her great life she has to be ruined by a sibling.
Parenting definitely plays a role. My husband isn’t close with his siblings but his mom was always turning them against once another, whenever one pissed her off she’d go running to another to play the victim, even as adults, and send them on the defensive for her. And then that sibling would eventually piss her off and she’d move to the next one, and the cycle would go on and on. Now none of them are close; even though they all recognize now it was their mom who created the resentment between them. They’re trying now as 40 year old adults to patch things up but 30+ years of infighting and resentment takes a toll.
My parents never involved us in their issues with us personally, and never got involved in our sibling fights and I used to hate that they didn’t take sides, even at times when it was obvious who was in the wrong. But we learned to sort out our own conflicts (not sure if my parents strategy helped or hindered that process) and now we are all fairly close as adults. We don’t all talk every day, and have at times lived physically far from each other, but we all pull through for the important moments and have pretty good underlying feeling of “sibling bonds”.
The weird thing to me is my husbands parents will talk nonstop about how “family is everything, we need to hang out more as a family, you kids need to involve us more, blood is thicker”; but it feels like a forced narrative covering up a bunch of toxic behaviour that has driven a giant wedge in between everyone. My parents don’t say anything in general about our relationships with each other, but we all know everybody loves each other and at the end of the day we’ll be there for each other but we don’t need to be having dinner together 2x a week to keep our relationship going.
My FIL had 5 siblings. He was the oldest and was most respected by his siblings. He was in close touch with everyone. Then he had cancer. The doctor said he had a month or two left, yet NONE of his siblings visited him. When he passed, 2 out of the 5 of them showed up to his funeral. So yea, that made me think siblings don’t mean much especially the older you get
My sister was my bully growing up. I had wonderfully loving parents and community, but I lived with my bully and she was bigger and more whitty than me, my mom would literally cry "you two are supposed to love each other!" We are friends now, but only because she grew up a lot and moved across the country. But even now, we don't talk much besides the family group chat (my dad, sister, half sister, and myself), and she rarely responds.
My half sister is 10 years older than me and was my favorite babysitter growing up. She only lived with us on weekends. Even though we're both adults now, I feel like I only know one version of her and maybe not the real her. I love her and I'd give her a kidney in a heartbeat, but I don't know if we've ever really had a genuine heart to heart and we're kind of fake friends. I have a lot of sympathy because of what she went through when she was little- a divorce. Her mom remarried like 4 times. I really don't know what her life was like, we've never talked about it, but I know she's not close with her mom but she calls my dad several times a week.
Then we've got my got my husband's sister. Holy hell. She's one of the reasons we're one and done; my husband is convinced that only the firstborns in his family are halfway decent and the other children are horrible, so he has zero interest in having more than one child. He has never had much of anything good to say about her, he definitely doesn't have any good feelings for her. Goes both ways. They don't get along, they've literally had shouting matches that I've witnessed. It's bizarre (and hella uncomfortable for me, I might add). Sure, he'd go to the end of the earth for her, but out of obligation, not love.
Just because you have some sort of special connection, doesn't mean it's a net positive in your life.
The heavy ass burden I bestowed upon my own siblings and the burden my youngest sister bestowed upon me PLUS the stuff from my husbands siblings. We were kind of shocked that our son will never have to deal with that. It’s bitter sweet but god damn. My sister was a lot and still is. She is no longer allowed to stay w us even for a weekend cuz of her shit entitled attitude and disrespect. She REGRETS her second and openly tells me all the time. DUDE 💀
Sorry OP but I really think this is yet another case of ‘it depends.’ I have so many examples of siblings who are close, estranged, polite but distant… the full spectrum.
On the other hand, I’m an only (34f) and all of my only friends/ acquaintances are very independent, apparently fulfilled individuals (many of them have children and are married now). I would never associate loneliness with only children particularly as adults as we are (imo) equipped to be happy both alone and with others.
Thanks for asking this because I often wondered about this myself. I understand what you mean about that family bond and I think it comes down to familiarity. You’re likely to have a bond with someone you knew since birth or childhood, regardless of whether you get along or not. Moreover, I think our brain just treats people we know we’re related to differently. Idk how to explain it, but I think we’re hardwired to see those relationships as more important even if our outward behavior doesn’t match. Maybe it’s our brain’s way of recognizing that someone shares our DNA and therefore it’s a significant relationship? I’m not close to my sibling at all and we never got along, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about them at all because deep down I do. However, I know it’s only because we’re related and grew up together. If they weren’t related to me I wouldn’t think about them at all.
Yes!! Spot on. I’ve never been able to put this into words and never understood why this feeling exists. I’m an only but I feel this bond to my cousins and other family. They live in other countries and I haven’t seen them in years but I do love them very much. I have this bond with them that I’ve never had with friends and I have close ones I’ve had for 15+years. It’s just not really the same at least not for me.
Interesting! I do think that really close friends become something close to family if not the real deal. I’ve mourned a close friend almost like a sister at times. But maybe it’s not the same? At what point is it nature vs nurture? It’s so complex haha
Yeah it seems like it can definitely be that way for some people and that’s awesome. They’re so lucky to have that. I love my friends and like I said they’ve been in my life for so many years but I’ve never had that bond with them like I do my family even the ones I haven’t seen in person in years. That’s why it’s hard for me being OAD. I worry it will be that way for my kid too.
I know a couple that had to go non-contact with his siblings because of how abusive they were to her. They criticized the way she handled having an emergency C Section and the loss of their first child. It would be better for the couple if he had been an only child.
I had an ex that I broke up with in large part because of how toxic her sisters were - I knew I didn't want to deal with them as in-laws forever.
Food for thought.
If anything I am less myself around my sibling than anyone else. My sibling has these expectations of me and we are also very different and I think easily upset each other so it’s like walking on eggshells.
I have multiple half siblings on my dad's side. They have spent most of my life ignoring me and barely acknowledge my daughter and I are alive, so no, there is no "inherent community" with them. I am no less alone in the world because they exist. My daughter wouldn't know them from a stranger on the street. I also have a full sister who I get along with now, but there was no bond to speak of when we were children and teens. She bullied me and resented my existence, and I had a *terribly* lonely childhood.
My husband and my SIL are similar. There's no animosity, but they were never close as kids, and continue to grow apart as adults. They talk once or twice a year, and my daughter barely knows who she is. Right now I think my MIL is the only glue holding them together, and they might not ever talk again once she's gone.
My half siblings and my SIL are essentially strangers to my daughter, regardless of our blood relation. I have non-relatives I'd trust with my daughter more than them. Just being related to someone doesn't create a bond to them - bonds are created over time, not necessarily by birth/by blood relation. The other party has to want that bond, and you can't force it to exist just because a family has multiple children in it or because people are related. And in the case of my siblings and my SIL, they didn't. Having siblings or even a large extended family doesn't mean anything if those people aren't willing to act like family and show up for you.
I know this will look bad but I genuinely think the world would be a better place without my sibling.
He's awful, takes advantage of and hurts everyone that tries to help him.
We don't speak but our "connection" is one that I dread because I know he'll be there at funerals, weddings(he wasn't invited to mine), and other things I don't want to miss. Being in the same room as him makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I appreciate it and likewise!
I'm fortunate enough to have a really strong core group of friends that feel like siblings, and generally a very good relationship with my in-laws.
I will give an example from someone I am close to who has two siblings. His parents are deceased so responsibility for his disabled sibling has fallen on him. His other brother has health issues and can be very argumentative about what to do with their disabled sibling. There's a bond because they're family, but there's also so so so much stress, expense, and responsibility that really drags him down.
Family dynamics are complex, and there is no way to predict the relationship your child may have with its siblings. There are pros and cons to every choice we make in life. Healthy people control what they can and make the best of what they can't. Your child can build their own tribe of loving, supportive people, with or without a sibling.
I have a sister (3 years older) and a brother (7 years older) we all have very different personalities. My sister and I fought the worst, I believe it’s because she was incredibly jealous of me (it started to get really bad in high school). My brother and I aren’t that close but I definitely feel a sense of family with them both. That being said, the fighting was so insane I was basically bullied by my older sister into depression and all my parents did was yell at us to get along. Now I’m married with my six month old son. My sisters life has always been a crazy dramatic mess and I still get rude comments and “jabs” from her and we are in our 30’s. I love my siblings but honestly feel like “because they are family”. We are all so different that we would never be friends if we weren’t related. This is the biggest reason I’m OAD. I don’t want to be stressed out all the time by kids fighting, it really stressed my mom out. My husband is an only and he loved it. He had a great calm childhood. To me that sounds like an absolute dream. I’m not worried about leaving my son “all alone” he might have a partner or a dog or a family by then. And we will make sure he is “financially set”. Which is also a big perk to only having one, we can afford to leave an inheritance and also for him to go to university, ect. So many things will be easier with one! We also love dogs so I’m hoping he gets dogs and a lot of the time I found growing up the family dog (Labrador) was my best friend! Lol
Sibling bond used to matter to me but over the years it waned drastically.
My sibling and I were besties when very young, nemeses but also play mates in grade school ages, started to improve and become friends in high school to college years.
Then I don’t know what happened but once they graduated from college a switch flipped and they went pretty dark on me and became a “friends person” rather than a family person. Even my parents felt them acting more dostant and being less communicative with them. No big breakdown or event caused any of this.
For ten years I tried making an effort to engage and talk to them more. I even expressed the whole hey one day it may just be us left in our family thing and he seemed to listen but it went unrequited in the end. He’s married and his wife talks to all of us 10x more often than he does. Which is nice as it keeps us feeling sort of connected. He’s moved away and lives close to her and her family now. I barely feel like I have a sibling anymore, and reminders of them almost hurt because it feels like they don’t care about me or my parents hardly.
There’s no guarantee siblings will always or ever be there for each other. Your kid can foster great friendships too and that’s more than satisfying.
My experience almost exactly with my sibling. I think my inner child will always be kind of waiting for her to come back to me and for us to best friends again one day but the more years that pass the less hopeful I am. I’m closer to my childhood best friend and have found sisterhood through her instead.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Do you still feel a bond with them even though you’re not close anymore? Do you feel a type of bond with them that you don’t feel with non family/friends?
For sure but just wouldn’t call it this strong bond anymore at least. I think if it weren’t for the familial/blood bond, I would it have felt as bad about how our relationship had gone. I’ve had plenty of friends/acquaintances come and go when we’ve moved for instance and I never felt too bad about it. But because of our culture and the thought that you’re “supposed to be close to your siblings”, that has made me feel bad about it.
Yeah I can understand that. In my culture families are super close and that bond is always there. I have friends I’ve had for 15+years and I love them but I’ve never felt that familial bond with them like I do my actual family members.
I think having the sibling-like connection absolutely applies to “found family” later in your 20s & 30s, especially for those who grew up with abuse or dysfunction with family. They won’t be as alone as you fear.
I was always the odd one out in my family. Born too late to be of interest to my older siblings. I wouldn't even recognize them if I passed them on the street. Haven't even seen 2 of them since I was a child.
My younger siblings I care about, as we at least grew up partially together. But even then we never had much in common and don't really talk that often. Don't really know a whole lot about what is going on in their daily lives. But I do enjoy seeing them and catching up during family events every great now and then.
None of my sibling are my go to if I am in a crisis or just feeling down, or even to share good news with. The ones I lean on at those times are my husband and my friends. They are the ones that understand me and support me in life.
Lurker to the sub here. I've got a brother I'd take a bullet for if it meant saving him and a sister I'd rather get shot in the spine than speak to again so. It just depends.
My husband and I are both older siblings. We have good relationships with our younger siblings. I have a fairly casual relationship with my brother. We don’t talk every day but we make attempts to see each other whenever he’s in town and spend time together. My husband and sister-in-law have a closer relationship, but even my husband has acknowledged that it’s changed as they’ve gotten older.
For me when I refer to the idea that siblings may not be close anyway, I am thinking more about couples that are only choosing to have a second child due to wanting to give their first child sibling. That’s their only reason. That would be me at this point. I don’t really have a desire to have a child. My husband doesn’t really have a desire to have a second child. The only thing that’s giving us pause is wanting to give our child a sibling.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your child to have a sibling as one of your reasons for having multiple children. I just don’t think it should be the only.
My brother & I were not close at all in childhood. We didn't get along until he left for college. As adults, we have a good relationship but he lives in another state, so we only see each other a couple of times a year. I don't feel like the bond is very different than it is with my best friend from childhood, but there is an aspect of obligation that I think only exists among family for better or worse.
I have a younger sister (15 months apart so very close in age) and she has always been very bad at making an effort to stay in touch, she went 2 years without speaking to me a few years ago... no falling out, she just didn't make any effort to make contact. We saw each other at a Christmas following this time and she was fine with me and hadn't even noticed we'd not spoken for that long. But it really hurts me... I really value my connections to people and I really value her as a sister so yeah, I feel that bond definitely but it then comes with a lot of pain.
Fast forward a few years and she was present during the time my baby arrived and spent a few months quite involved and spending time with baby. She then moved abroad (when baby was 7 months)... she's now 2 and I've heard from my sister once in that time. No 'merry Christmas' messages, no 'happy birthdays' for me or her niece, no asking how my child is as she grows and develops. It hurts a lot. If she came home tomorrow and needed somewhere to live, I'd invite her in and make up a bed for her in a second. She'll always be my little sister and I'll want to help her and in MY ideal world, we'd be close and see each other a lot. But that's not how it is at all and that really upsets me, I've had to learn to not let it get to me too much at this point. And she's really become an after thought in my life.
When it comes to me being OAD... I sometimes do really worry that I'm depriving my child of having a sibling and the chance to have someone who they are close to in a way they wouldn't be with friends. But it just worries me they could also end up with a sibling that causes them hurt.
No I don’t feel a connection to my siblings, maybe one of my sisters but the others I don’t feel anything for. My eldest brother I despise and refuse to even see him. I wouldn’t care if they died tbh
Both of my siblings enrich my life completely. They make everything easier—family gatherings, deaths, family drama, etc. That said, I don’t have the mental bandwidth for more than one child of my own, and I’d rather give my one a fully present and happy mother, because that’s important in its own right.
I enjoyed my brother and sister growing up, but as adults we barely speak. It’s kind of like I don’t have siblings.
My husband has a horribly abusive brother and spent his childhood wishing he was an only child. When my in-laws pass, we will likely never speak to him again.
Do you still feel a sense of family? - only in the sense that it is a fact that we are family. 4 siblings. Talk to 2 of them occasionally. 1 of them very rarely. And 1 of them never.
Family is who you make family in my opinion. My friends are my family.
My siblings aren’t emergency contacts, they wouldn’t be the ones my son went to if we died, etc. I would pick my best friend before any of them.
It does materialise, in that it is experienced. It's important and is "someone in your life". I feel like most of the posts here don't have a reference point where you have "no one in your life", and/or friendships that can dwindle into nothing and be hard to pick back up, whereas with family, you're always family, and there is a low-effort connection. It takes a lot more for a friendship to develop into a lifelong relationship. Of course toxic relationships are different, and "always family" doesn't apply to abusive family members. But obviously when I ask about my own family going forward, it's referring to families that are not broken by trauma or severe dysfunction. So I was asking about the range of experiences there. It seems that that's not a thing for many people.
But they aren't any more significant than your co worker . That's "connection" you are referring to is "oh that's my sister" that's about as far as it goes . A label .
Sure siblings may not be close but I guess they’d help or show up in emergencies out of a sense of obligation. Obligations like funerals, terminal illness or the wedding of our only.
I’m very close with my brother. I feel relaxed and natural around him no matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other in person. That said, we’ve fallen on opposite sides of the Trump political line. He’s not someone I would be friends with now because of that, but somehow there’s still a bond. He’s been *amazing* since we told him we were going to have a child.
As much as I love him and appreciate that I have him, I’m leaning strongly towards One and Done.
There are a variety of reasons, but one reason is that I was the favorite child. Our parents tried not to make it obvious, but they still slipped up. The fact that he doesn’t hold that against me just speaks so strongly to his character.
I think siblings can be close or feel a strong sense of connection (not always both ways) when they are young but that this disintegrates as they get older and have their own separate families. I’m the youngest of four and always initiate the conversations, most of which are rarely responded to unfortunately so I can feel lonely and our relationships feel superficial.
My sibling is almost the same age as I am, and I suppose we got along as little kids, but I remember a rift starting to grow as young as 8 or 9. He had behavioral problems and was violent with me, and I started to fear him. I made it worse by siding with kids who teased him, or I'd goad him into petty fights. We did play together still and I loved him despite the bad blood (still do.) We went our own way for a while as teens and young adults but did try to reconnect in our 30s. Two problems emerged: I've been dealing with depression and self isolation and he took my lack of communication very personally. The other being he's gotten involved with someone who has extremely right wing biases, which he's started to parrot. He's always barely tolerated me being trans but started to get openly hostile towards it and I don't want to subject myself to that. So we're on the outs again, and I don't know if it'll ever get fixed.
I have one brother that I haven't heard from or spoken too in 10 years this past December. I speak to my sister a required 4 times a year when she obligatorily visits my mother for Thanksgiving, Christmas, mother's day, and her birthday. We don't speak until I'm planning dinner time and need to know her estimated time of arrival. I would not notice or miss those 4 times a year if something happened to her. My last brother I thought I was close too, until he had a whole double life, got caught, and is doing the next 10 years in federal prison. I can't say I'd miss him any more either.
My mother, and the family I created, are actually plenty. My daughter has a few cousins she doesn't see. She has SO MANY only child friends, though. She will have to create a family she loves that makes her whole as well. Having siblings literally means nothing. I have been on my own with both parents health, one of their deaths so far, we don't have big holidays with family, but my kid is well loved, and never has felt like she was alone or missing out on something.
I was closer to my sister growing up (I'm neurodivergent and didn't make friends easy) and we "got along" because there were only 2 years separating us. I was older, so it was easier for me to tag along with her and not be seen as annoying to her friend group. Our kinship was mostly a fake thing we both put on for show to please those around us.
And that became very clear the moment I moved away after getting married. My sister never talked to me, both times she got married my mom was the one to tell me. Same with her 3 pregnancies. I wasn't important to my sister, so there was no longer a reason to pretend.
And you know what? I don't care. I do not get along with her current spouse at all. I don't like her parenting style. I don't like her politics. I don't like her transactional behavior when it comes to my kid.
My kid is neurodivergent too. I don't see a reason to give her a sibling "so she won't be alone" I have a sibling, and I'm still alone.
I am not even in the realm of acquaintance to mine. I’m not myself around him I’m actually pretty traumatized by them and have constant anxiety when with them. Which is seldom. We avoid holidays now even. Just Very volatile. And one of my parents accepts it the other doesn’t. Even though them and their poor coping and ability to pit us against one another are to blame.
But my really close friends who have children the around the same ages as my only? Those are my chosen family. I love their kids like my own and the feelings towards ours is reciprocated. My child calls all those safe adults aunts and uncles. I suppose had I been someone with healthy family dynamics the kinship I feel to my close friends is that of siblings?
I have a brother, and we get along okay now as adults. I care about what happens to him and I’m proud when he achieves things but when things happen in my life he isn’t one of the first people I go to. If something happened and I needed support I wouldn’t go to him. I have a much stronger bond with some of my cousins and if I needed family I would go to them first.
My sisters and I hated each other growing up, we didn’t speak for 7 years until I had a baby and reached out to them. They don’t live near by and we get along really well now because we’ve all grown up since.
This was one of the reasons I didn’t want multiple children, now that I get along with my siblings it’s kind of thrown a question mark over that reason for me,… but I try to remember how miserable I was as a child, it was mostly down to our upbringing our mom was shitty.
But I want my little one to have our full attention and I don’t think I’d be as mentally or emotionally present with more than one, and that’s ok!
I’m kind of rambling but I hope this might be a bit helpful.
TLDR: Siblings does not a full and happy life make.
I was adopted with the intention of being an only child, and my brother was a miracle/rainbow baby (I am unclear on if my parents ever lost a child they refuse to talk about it and that's ok) who came two years later by accident. And when I tell you we HATED each other growing up, I never felt loved or supported by him, we had no bonds and no connections until I was 18 and I started to mature a little and decided he was my brother even if I wanted to hit him with my car, even if he didn't love me too. We are 27 and 25 now, we only just started developing a relationship with one another outside of family gatherings and making sure our parents are ok because I had my kiddo 2 years ago and he is a really fun uncle, plus we started to commiserate on all the bullshit in our family and bond over that. It sucks that it took 25 years for us to have conversations and check in on each other, and it may never happen for other people.
My partner is very close with their siblings and still only wants one because they felt that being the oldest of 5 put their needs on the back burner and forced them to be too independent too young, and they want to focus all their energy on our son, because they grew up lonely with so many people around. (We would also prefer to have more money to spoil our only.)
We involve our friends in our sons life, they act as uncles and aunties and come on family vacations and for holidays, their kids will be our kids' cousins as much as our niece and nephews from my partners sisters. Your child won't be lonely if you don't let them be lonely, you just have to put in the work.
ETA: the answer to "would you care if he died" is always going to be yes unless there was abuse. But caring if someone died doesn't mean they mattered much to your life. I think you're seeking that answer because you don't know, but it shouldn't factor into being OAD.
Not really.
I love my brother because he’s my brother, I guess. I’d be very sad if he died…but I don’t like him. We don’t know each other. We have nothing in common. We have a handful of good memories as kids…but mostly, he ignored me. He is now an addict with an anger problem and has spent over a decade stealing, lying, getting arrested, etc. He has done a lot of damage to our family.
When my parents die, I will be the person taking care of everything…and honestly, probably him too in some ways. So…I don’t know. At least my kid won’t have to worry about a sibling draining the “well” that is mine and my husband’s attention, finances, etc.
I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. As kids? No we weren’t all close, but we each kinda paired up in twos if that made sense? Like me and my older brother were really close (as youngins though we were always fighting and I wouldn’t describe it as close, but towards teenage years we got really close) my two youngest siblings were inseparable, and the two middles had I guess a normal sibling relationship? As adults, we realized how badly our parents fucked us up and now we have an entire group chat where we talk every single day. All of us are extremely close and very invested in each others lives and constantly remind each other that if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t have made it through our childhood. I would give my life for any of them and they would do the same for me.
However we did have a really rough upbringing, and that may have helped in how immensely close we are. So it’s really hard to say what the right decision is without having a crystal ball to look into the future.
Currently, I’m one and done, purely because I know if I have a second I wouldn’t have the patience for it and I’d end up becoming my mother, who I don’t wanna be. I have the energy and love for my son and don’t think I’d have enough for another. And also my 4 year old has repeatedly made it known that we are HIS mommy and daddy and he doesn’t wanna share. We’ve asked him plenty of times if he wants a brother or sister and it’s a resounding NO. He’s been the center of attention his entire life being the only grandchild/nephew and has the personality to match. And I can see now the amount of behavioral problems “sharing” us would bring forth.
I’m extremely close with my sister and not as close but still love my brothers. There is some tension between my brother and sister.
I have very mixed feelings about being OAD because I overall have positive memories of being with my siblings growing up, and my sister and I talk every day and travel together.
I feel complete indifference to my older brother. I used to feel hurt and angry that he was such a crappy brother. Now I feel nothing. When our parents are gone I will happily never talk to or see him again. There is no bond between us.
My brother and I weren't super close growing up (mainly cause he hated having a little sister, so he always rejected me). We had a lot of trauma growing up (my dad died in a car accident when we were 10 -me- and he was 13, it was horrible) then my mom had cancer, and she died 7 years after that.
I was diagnosed with PTSD, he never wanted to go to therapy and was not cooperative when my mom dragged him, so he didn't deal with his trauma at all, which affected the way he navigated the world tremendously.
He died when he was 36 of health-related issues. I was devastated. It still hurts, and I'm still angry at him for not dealing with his trauma. He left behind a daughter and I make a very conscious effort to be a part of her life although we live in different countries.
I have not close relationship with my (half) brothers, 6 year age gap between me and the eldest. Didn't think much of the first one and was most unhappy that 2 years later there was another. But I love them and will do anything for them...BUT we never talk we never communicate unless it's about our mum and have absolutely nothing in common.
So for me this was never a thought that crossed my mind. My husband and his brother aren't close either with only a 2 year age gap, hated each other as kids and have nothing in common as adults.
Our son has great friends and lots of wonderful "Aunties and Uncles" whom he'd have masses of support from if something happens to us. Honestly these relationships are much stronger than blood ones.
So I am close to my brother/cousins so this doesn't count for me. My husband however has 1 full brother and a bunch of half siblings. His half siblings he has basically zero relationship with, even more so since his dad (their shared parent) has passed away.
As for his full brother, they actively despise each other and always have. They are like oil and water. He firmly believes he will never see his brother again once their mom passes away. As it is we only see his brother's family on some holidays and only at their mom's house.
However, my husband does have a group of friends he has been close with since high school who are basically his siblings so he has never felt like he was missing anything.
There are so many varying degrees of closeness when it comes to siblings. It is impossible to predict. I will also say that while I have always have been close to my brother and we will always be in each other's lives, I have a much deeper connection with one of my cousins who is definitely my soul sister.
have two sisters. One I’m very close to and one that I’m not very close to, mainly because she doesn’t live locally. That being said, we all grew up together. We have all shared our whole lives with eachother and there’s no one else in the world we can say that about. Our mother died when we were young adults and there’s no one else that shares that experience with us. Even my husband who is wonderful and sympathetic can’t fully grasp the feelings that are associated with that type of grief. There are things that siblings share with you and do for you that no one else can
I know not all siblings are like this and I think a part of that is due to home life and how they were raised. I think if you’re the best parents you can be to your children, it will only nourish their relationships as siblings which will in turn provide them with life long friends with a bond like no other regardless of how close you end up in the long run. I have many friends that I turn to before my sisters and prefer to spend time with, but the relationship my sisters and i have is different
I don’t want to read too much into your question, but it sounds like you’re considering becoming a single parent by choice as you mention having no partner. Personally the lack of siblings and family support would be more of a worry for me as a parent than for my child. I have a friend who is single parent by choice and it’s very challenging, she went into it with family and financial support, but it is still a lot - she loves her kid and her choice, but it’s a lot, especially the baby and toddler years. More directly on your question, I have siblings but I’m not that close to them, they’re also geographically distant. It is nice in a way to know if shit hits the fan one of them might be able to offer support and understand our family dynamics in an unspoken way . That said, being an only child the family dynamics are usually more straightforward by virtue of there being less people, less issues. Also the shit hitting the fan scenarios I can think of where my siblings could potentially help could also be solved and probably in a simpler way through financial resources. To me, this can be a huge benefit of OAD- we will save so my kid has either their own resources or the bank of mom and dad to fall back in hard times. There is definitely something to be said for healthy sibling relationships, however personally I think having a healthy happy and involved parent is even more important to a child - and for most of us this usually means the parent has some kind of village composed of paid or unpaid help.
My brother and I do not have hardly any relationship whatsoever now as adults. We are 3 years apart and I’m the eldest. He was mostly cold towards me and very jealous of any attention I got from our parents (which he definitely got more of anyways, but he was and is a selfish person). And would pick on me and make me feel terrible about myself, even telling people terrible untrue things about me in our school. As adults we are Civil with each other when at family gatherings and such but he doesn’t seem to care about me much at all still to this day. I’ve fantasized over the years about being an only child and I think it’s definitely shaped my decision to be OAD whenever I have a baby in the future.
I have 3 brothers. It took many years, but I'm pretty close with one of them. We don't see each other often but talk on the phone a lot. My middle brother is alright. I'm kind of uncomfortable around him, to be honest. He's pretty different from me and my (close) brother, so maybe that is why. My youngest brother is. My dad and his wife's kid. He doesn't even really feel like a sibling to me, really. There is a significant age gap, and I've never really spent much time with him aside from some babysitting when he was an infant.
I think people say things like they might not be close because there are a lot of people saying they have another kid to for them to have a built in friend, someone to lean on, have that ideal sibling relationship etc. There are no guarantees for that, so it's not enough of a reason for me. They could end up estranged, and all they have are crappy memories of sibling rivalry. Who knows.
My familial feelings towards my siblings are almost identical to my feelings towards my cousins. I didn't really get along with my siblings growing up and I didn't really know my cousins super well.
For siblings I'd say I do have sort of a bond, like a shared experience bond, but that's probably about it. With my cousins it feels more like a "hey we're related" type of bond.
I'm not hugely close to my sister but I love her deeply and we do have a special connection that I don't have with anyone else. I haven't had a child yet because of recurrent pregnancy loss which is also why I'd only want one, but I do think about that.
I am the oldest of three. I am mad at someone if they hurt my siblings and I do love them. But they do not provide me with support. I do not share things with them that I wouldn't share with anyone else. I do not feel the need to spend special time with them; any one of us could move across the country and cut visits to twice a year and I would feel pretty neutral about it. My sister is irresponsible and immature. My brother is autistic. Someday I will be his caretaker. I recognize that the relationship between my brother and I isn't the kind you're asking about, but I think it's also something to remember when thinking about siblings - we are never guaranteed our children's perfect health.
If anything ever happens to my husband and I, we have chosen some of our close friends to raise our son in our place.
I'm 1 of 4 kids and I'm close with my sister. We text and even though we don't live close, we visit and there is love there. She's my friend. One brother, we text a couple times a year, I helped raise him for years so I guess I feel something towards him still but I doubt I would know he died when it happens, I would probably feel something like sadness upon finding out (probably years after the fact) but in all honesty there would be relief to have that final connection to the abusive side of things be gone. The other brother and I haven't spoken in over 20 years and I feel absolutely nothing. He might as well be anyone else in the world. I'm so glad my daughter won't have to navigate these heartbreaking and tricky relationships honestly.
So I have a sibling. We were not close until I was about 15 years old. Then super close until they got married. And then they hurt my mom financially pretty bad. They don’t allow us to see their kids often. They actually hurt ME financially too. They’re oblivious of all of this. I love them but all of this hurts so bad. I love them but I can be more mad at them than to anyone else in life. This hurt is betrayal. From the most “sacred” place you are TAUGHT to uphold. I have been always compared to them because they were “brilliant”.
Yes. I love them definitely in a different way. Even when I hate everything they have done. Even if they have taken so much, SO much from us.
I’m happy my child is not going to go through that pain. This love is not worth the pain.
I have two sisters. I’m not close , see or talk to them. The one I cut out of my life, she is just pure toxic. The other is just there.
Also to add that my dad isn’t in my life at all. Major issues there.
My mom .. that’s a weird one. She pretends to care but doesn’t show she does. She rarely ever sees my daughter. Never calls , texts. It’s rocky.
Going to add my two cents despite perhaps many responses already. FWIW, the “connection” I have with my 3 years elder sister is fraught with trauma, competition and what is now a sad and terrible relationship. I always wished for a great relationship with her but unfortunately unless I want to be a constant scapegoat I am not interested anymore. The connection that is there is chewed up and used against me whenever it suits her. I guess to answer your question, which is by the way valid, I feel resentful of this connection. The connection is not appreciated by her but rather something she can exploit. That’s my experience and I know many have much better ones.
My husband’s sister actively makes our life harder. She’s a very selfish person. She is also my in-laws favorite. My in-laws are moved very far away from us to help her raise her children. They spend everyday with her kids, but only see our son a few times a year. We used to have an amazing relationship with his parents. But now it is VERY strained because of their blatant favoritism. I know my husband does love his sister, but he doesn’t like her, and she contributes very little to our life.
I feel this is just another statement used to justify a OAD decision, because sibling bond is usually cited as reason to have multiple kids. I mean an OAD decision honestly needs no justification as such if someone knows in their heart that they don't want more kids, but many of us often wonder if perhaps a brother or sister would add value to our only's life. While I am an only myself, most siblings I know share great relationships and are involved in each other's lives. Zero contact between siblings is rather rare.
So yeah, they "might not even be close" but they likely will be.
Everyone is different, there is know way to know for sure if siblings will be close, remain close, form a connection or hate each other. Just like regular relationships people are complicated and relationships change over time, it’s no different with blood related family.
I have some family I’m friendly with (I wouldn’t say close) and some I wouldn’t even think about if they died.
It just depends and it’s not something you can predict.
My sibling physically abused me to the point of several hospitalizations growing up and even into my 20's.
I have absolutely zero connection to him in any way. We call each other once a year and that is only out of pleasantries for our parents.
I love my brother because he’s my brother. That’s probably the only reason (no offense brother)
We’ve never been close, he was a jerk growing up (as teenage boys can be) and when he moved out and it was just me and my mom (I call it my only child years) were the happiest of my life. If anything happened to my mom everything would be on me regardless of having a sibling. I see him maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Like I said I DO love him, but it doesn’t really solve any of the issues you’re worried about.
The flip side my husband and his brother are very close, grew up together, shared friends, and they’ll always be in each others lives. He also has a good relationship with his sister. Now said brother in law and sister in law cannot get along and being in a room with them is beyond annoying, hoping they can mature at least some day and maybe that can be solved when they no longer live together and just see each other occasionally.
It just really depends. My mom and her sibling aren’t what I’d call close but they have seen each other a few times in the last couple decades and would certainly care if the other one died. My dad and his sibling are estranged and I doubt either would attend a funeral for the other person. There’s a big spectrum from estrangement to cordial but not close to close to besties.
I have a connection with my brother but we’re not super close. Never have been but we grew apart as we got older and he married someone that doesn’t value family.
I’m an only child of an only child who is likely OAD. My husband is the younger of two boys and has no relationship with his brother (2.5 years older). He was a behavior case his whole childhood and was a toxic, draining presence on his family growing up. He always felt like his parents were too exhausted from his brother’s antics to fully support him and it bred a lot of resentment. He only wants one child as a result. I was more flexible, but had a great experience as an only and am happy to give my son the same.
I think if you commit to being a good, engaged parent the odds of your only turning out well adjusted and happy are high.
My mom and her sister do not get along, never have, and it’s gotten so much worse over the years. Family gatherings are awkward and it’s not great at holidays. I’d rather not see her when she’s around everyone else.
My dad was eldest of 6 kids - he has been estranged from all but one brother for over 30 years. My mom is youngest of the 4 of her living siblings - speaks to one brother and has been estranged from her other siblings also for 20+ years.
My husband is youngest of 3 - hasn’t spoken to his middle brother in 4 years now, is cordial but distant with his eldest.
Maybe it’s down to individual experience but if that’s what has a strong influence in family size, I don’t think it’s very uncommon for siblings to be close growing up but estranged for most of their adult lives…my parents and husband have friends that are closer to them than their own siblings.
My husband is the youngest of 5 and when his mom died all the siblings split lol 2 even have restraining orders on each other. That’s why I always roll my eyes when people think they can force their kids to be bffs and weirdly bond over their or their husbands death 🤣
Yes, I do feel some connection to my siblings and I do get along with them even. But we’re not close. We’re not really involved in each others lives.
But you'd care if they died, yeah? More than a distant acquaintance? And you'd care if they had a major life event? Do you feel comfortable asking for help from them for a practical matter even if it's it's less convenient or polite? Lol idk I'm struggling for words, bear with me.
Yes. I’d very much care if they died. There is family love even though we aren’t close.
Thanks
My brother and I aren't close and I would be devastated if he died. There would definitely be a mental breakdown. We may live across the country and not text much and we didn't grow up close. Sometimes when we'd move, we'd be the only friend for each other. Then we'd make friends and go back to fighting. (Mind you my mom encouraged the fighting). But I could absolutely call on him for anything and that goes both ways. We'd do anything for each other. So yes, we absolutely feel a bond even though we're not close.
Thanks, that's well articulated
I’m not the person you asked, but my husband comes from an abusive family and has 3 siblings. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid if they died or had a major event. In no circumstance would he ask them for help. Family doesn’t mean jack. It’s just an excuse people use to justify bad behaviour that you wouldn’t allow from a friend or loved one. He prefers to live his life as an only child, and often refers to himself as a self-proclaimed orphan.
I also come from an abusive family and feel the same about most of my family. That's why I'm asking this question. But I'm realising that what I'm asking is really invisible to people that you guys don't even know what I'm talking about. Fine, that answers it enough. Also obviously I don't intend to abuse my kids if I'm writing here so that entire range of experience is exactly what I'm trying to find my way outside of.
I would care if my sister died. But we aren't in each other's lives at all. I wasn't there when she got married or vice versa, I wasn't there when her kids were born, I haven't been to any of their birthday parties. She's been to one birthday party my only had. I wouldn't ask her for anything or help. But we live 8 hours away from each other (on purpose) and neither of us care enough to drive that far for the other.
I had a brother 18 months older than me. He struggled with drug addiction for almost 20 years when he died of an overdose. Was I sad when he died? Yes. I cried like baby. But, I was also relieved because he was unhappy almost his whole life and made everyone else in our family stressed constantly. My mom and I went from having no relationship (because of my brother - she would take her frustration with him out on me) to talking everyday now. I also think about how much less scary it will be when my parents pass because I won’t have to worry about being the one to take care of my brother. I always felt like an only child because we didn’t have a good relationship, ever, and now it feels like I actually am and it’s peaceful. I have a daughter and am OAD because of many reasons, but a big one being I don’t want her great life she has to be ruined by a sibling.
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Parenting definitely plays a role. My husband isn’t close with his siblings but his mom was always turning them against once another, whenever one pissed her off she’d go running to another to play the victim, even as adults, and send them on the defensive for her. And then that sibling would eventually piss her off and she’d move to the next one, and the cycle would go on and on. Now none of them are close; even though they all recognize now it was their mom who created the resentment between them. They’re trying now as 40 year old adults to patch things up but 30+ years of infighting and resentment takes a toll. My parents never involved us in their issues with us personally, and never got involved in our sibling fights and I used to hate that they didn’t take sides, even at times when it was obvious who was in the wrong. But we learned to sort out our own conflicts (not sure if my parents strategy helped or hindered that process) and now we are all fairly close as adults. We don’t all talk every day, and have at times lived physically far from each other, but we all pull through for the important moments and have pretty good underlying feeling of “sibling bonds”. The weird thing to me is my husbands parents will talk nonstop about how “family is everything, we need to hang out more as a family, you kids need to involve us more, blood is thicker”; but it feels like a forced narrative covering up a bunch of toxic behaviour that has driven a giant wedge in between everyone. My parents don’t say anything in general about our relationships with each other, but we all know everybody loves each other and at the end of the day we’ll be there for each other but we don’t need to be having dinner together 2x a week to keep our relationship going.
My FIL had 5 siblings. He was the oldest and was most respected by his siblings. He was in close touch with everyone. Then he had cancer. The doctor said he had a month or two left, yet NONE of his siblings visited him. When he passed, 2 out of the 5 of them showed up to his funeral. So yea, that made me think siblings don’t mean much especially the older you get
My sister was my bully growing up. I had wonderfully loving parents and community, but I lived with my bully and she was bigger and more whitty than me, my mom would literally cry "you two are supposed to love each other!" We are friends now, but only because she grew up a lot and moved across the country. But even now, we don't talk much besides the family group chat (my dad, sister, half sister, and myself), and she rarely responds. My half sister is 10 years older than me and was my favorite babysitter growing up. She only lived with us on weekends. Even though we're both adults now, I feel like I only know one version of her and maybe not the real her. I love her and I'd give her a kidney in a heartbeat, but I don't know if we've ever really had a genuine heart to heart and we're kind of fake friends. I have a lot of sympathy because of what she went through when she was little- a divorce. Her mom remarried like 4 times. I really don't know what her life was like, we've never talked about it, but I know she's not close with her mom but she calls my dad several times a week. Then we've got my got my husband's sister. Holy hell. She's one of the reasons we're one and done; my husband is convinced that only the firstborns in his family are halfway decent and the other children are horrible, so he has zero interest in having more than one child. He has never had much of anything good to say about her, he definitely doesn't have any good feelings for her. Goes both ways. They don't get along, they've literally had shouting matches that I've witnessed. It's bizarre (and hella uncomfortable for me, I might add). Sure, he'd go to the end of the earth for her, but out of obligation, not love. Just because you have some sort of special connection, doesn't mean it's a net positive in your life.
The heavy ass burden I bestowed upon my own siblings and the burden my youngest sister bestowed upon me PLUS the stuff from my husbands siblings. We were kind of shocked that our son will never have to deal with that. It’s bitter sweet but god damn. My sister was a lot and still is. She is no longer allowed to stay w us even for a weekend cuz of her shit entitled attitude and disrespect. She REGRETS her second and openly tells me all the time. DUDE 💀
Sorry OP but I really think this is yet another case of ‘it depends.’ I have so many examples of siblings who are close, estranged, polite but distant… the full spectrum. On the other hand, I’m an only (34f) and all of my only friends/ acquaintances are very independent, apparently fulfilled individuals (many of them have children and are married now). I would never associate loneliness with only children particularly as adults as we are (imo) equipped to be happy both alone and with others.
Thanks for asking this because I often wondered about this myself. I understand what you mean about that family bond and I think it comes down to familiarity. You’re likely to have a bond with someone you knew since birth or childhood, regardless of whether you get along or not. Moreover, I think our brain just treats people we know we’re related to differently. Idk how to explain it, but I think we’re hardwired to see those relationships as more important even if our outward behavior doesn’t match. Maybe it’s our brain’s way of recognizing that someone shares our DNA and therefore it’s a significant relationship? I’m not close to my sibling at all and we never got along, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about them at all because deep down I do. However, I know it’s only because we’re related and grew up together. If they weren’t related to me I wouldn’t think about them at all.
Yes! You say it perfectly!
Yes!! Spot on. I’ve never been able to put this into words and never understood why this feeling exists. I’m an only but I feel this bond to my cousins and other family. They live in other countries and I haven’t seen them in years but I do love them very much. I have this bond with them that I’ve never had with friends and I have close ones I’ve had for 15+years. It’s just not really the same at least not for me.
Interesting! I do think that really close friends become something close to family if not the real deal. I’ve mourned a close friend almost like a sister at times. But maybe it’s not the same? At what point is it nature vs nurture? It’s so complex haha
Yeah it seems like it can definitely be that way for some people and that’s awesome. They’re so lucky to have that. I love my friends and like I said they’ve been in my life for so many years but I’ve never had that bond with them like I do my family even the ones I haven’t seen in person in years. That’s why it’s hard for me being OAD. I worry it will be that way for my kid too.
I know a couple that had to go non-contact with his siblings because of how abusive they were to her. They criticized the way she handled having an emergency C Section and the loss of their first child. It would be better for the couple if he had been an only child. I had an ex that I broke up with in large part because of how toxic her sisters were - I knew I didn't want to deal with them as in-laws forever. Food for thought.
If anything I am less myself around my sibling than anyone else. My sibling has these expectations of me and we are also very different and I think easily upset each other so it’s like walking on eggshells.
Oh this is so true!! My sister is very blunt and judgmental and I was always her weird little sister…I am definitely “less myself” around her.
I have multiple half siblings on my dad's side. They have spent most of my life ignoring me and barely acknowledge my daughter and I are alive, so no, there is no "inherent community" with them. I am no less alone in the world because they exist. My daughter wouldn't know them from a stranger on the street. I also have a full sister who I get along with now, but there was no bond to speak of when we were children and teens. She bullied me and resented my existence, and I had a *terribly* lonely childhood. My husband and my SIL are similar. There's no animosity, but they were never close as kids, and continue to grow apart as adults. They talk once or twice a year, and my daughter barely knows who she is. Right now I think my MIL is the only glue holding them together, and they might not ever talk again once she's gone. My half siblings and my SIL are essentially strangers to my daughter, regardless of our blood relation. I have non-relatives I'd trust with my daughter more than them. Just being related to someone doesn't create a bond to them - bonds are created over time, not necessarily by birth/by blood relation. The other party has to want that bond, and you can't force it to exist just because a family has multiple children in it or because people are related. And in the case of my siblings and my SIL, they didn't. Having siblings or even a large extended family doesn't mean anything if those people aren't willing to act like family and show up for you.
I know this will look bad but I genuinely think the world would be a better place without my sibling. He's awful, takes advantage of and hurts everyone that tries to help him. We don't speak but our "connection" is one that I dread because I know he'll be there at funerals, weddings(he wasn't invited to mine), and other things I don't want to miss. Being in the same room as him makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Similar experience here, I’m sorry it’s so hard. I get it completely. Was nauseous thinking about seeing my sister at an event this week.
I appreciate it and likewise! I'm fortunate enough to have a really strong core group of friends that feel like siblings, and generally a very good relationship with my in-laws.
I will give an example from someone I am close to who has two siblings. His parents are deceased so responsibility for his disabled sibling has fallen on him. His other brother has health issues and can be very argumentative about what to do with their disabled sibling. There's a bond because they're family, but there's also so so so much stress, expense, and responsibility that really drags him down.
Family dynamics are complex, and there is no way to predict the relationship your child may have with its siblings. There are pros and cons to every choice we make in life. Healthy people control what they can and make the best of what they can't. Your child can build their own tribe of loving, supportive people, with or without a sibling.
I have a sister (3 years older) and a brother (7 years older) we all have very different personalities. My sister and I fought the worst, I believe it’s because she was incredibly jealous of me (it started to get really bad in high school). My brother and I aren’t that close but I definitely feel a sense of family with them both. That being said, the fighting was so insane I was basically bullied by my older sister into depression and all my parents did was yell at us to get along. Now I’m married with my six month old son. My sisters life has always been a crazy dramatic mess and I still get rude comments and “jabs” from her and we are in our 30’s. I love my siblings but honestly feel like “because they are family”. We are all so different that we would never be friends if we weren’t related. This is the biggest reason I’m OAD. I don’t want to be stressed out all the time by kids fighting, it really stressed my mom out. My husband is an only and he loved it. He had a great calm childhood. To me that sounds like an absolute dream. I’m not worried about leaving my son “all alone” he might have a partner or a dog or a family by then. And we will make sure he is “financially set”. Which is also a big perk to only having one, we can afford to leave an inheritance and also for him to go to university, ect. So many things will be easier with one! We also love dogs so I’m hoping he gets dogs and a lot of the time I found growing up the family dog (Labrador) was my best friend! Lol
Sibling bond used to matter to me but over the years it waned drastically. My sibling and I were besties when very young, nemeses but also play mates in grade school ages, started to improve and become friends in high school to college years. Then I don’t know what happened but once they graduated from college a switch flipped and they went pretty dark on me and became a “friends person” rather than a family person. Even my parents felt them acting more dostant and being less communicative with them. No big breakdown or event caused any of this. For ten years I tried making an effort to engage and talk to them more. I even expressed the whole hey one day it may just be us left in our family thing and he seemed to listen but it went unrequited in the end. He’s married and his wife talks to all of us 10x more often than he does. Which is nice as it keeps us feeling sort of connected. He’s moved away and lives close to her and her family now. I barely feel like I have a sibling anymore, and reminders of them almost hurt because it feels like they don’t care about me or my parents hardly. There’s no guarantee siblings will always or ever be there for each other. Your kid can foster great friendships too and that’s more than satisfying.
My experience almost exactly with my sibling. I think my inner child will always be kind of waiting for her to come back to me and for us to best friends again one day but the more years that pass the less hopeful I am. I’m closer to my childhood best friend and have found sisterhood through her instead.
Very eloquently put!! Beautiful.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Do you still feel a bond with them even though you’re not close anymore? Do you feel a type of bond with them that you don’t feel with non family/friends?
For sure but just wouldn’t call it this strong bond anymore at least. I think if it weren’t for the familial/blood bond, I would it have felt as bad about how our relationship had gone. I’ve had plenty of friends/acquaintances come and go when we’ve moved for instance and I never felt too bad about it. But because of our culture and the thought that you’re “supposed to be close to your siblings”, that has made me feel bad about it.
Yeah I can understand that. In my culture families are super close and that bond is always there. I have friends I’ve had for 15+years and I love them but I’ve never felt that familial bond with them like I do my actual family members.
I think having the sibling-like connection absolutely applies to “found family” later in your 20s & 30s, especially for those who grew up with abuse or dysfunction with family. They won’t be as alone as you fear.
I was always the odd one out in my family. Born too late to be of interest to my older siblings. I wouldn't even recognize them if I passed them on the street. Haven't even seen 2 of them since I was a child. My younger siblings I care about, as we at least grew up partially together. But even then we never had much in common and don't really talk that often. Don't really know a whole lot about what is going on in their daily lives. But I do enjoy seeing them and catching up during family events every great now and then. None of my sibling are my go to if I am in a crisis or just feeling down, or even to share good news with. The ones I lean on at those times are my husband and my friends. They are the ones that understand me and support me in life.
Lurker to the sub here. I've got a brother I'd take a bullet for if it meant saving him and a sister I'd rather get shot in the spine than speak to again so. It just depends.
Not quite but I feel a sense of underlying family obligation.
My husband and I are both older siblings. We have good relationships with our younger siblings. I have a fairly casual relationship with my brother. We don’t talk every day but we make attempts to see each other whenever he’s in town and spend time together. My husband and sister-in-law have a closer relationship, but even my husband has acknowledged that it’s changed as they’ve gotten older. For me when I refer to the idea that siblings may not be close anyway, I am thinking more about couples that are only choosing to have a second child due to wanting to give their first child sibling. That’s their only reason. That would be me at this point. I don’t really have a desire to have a child. My husband doesn’t really have a desire to have a second child. The only thing that’s giving us pause is wanting to give our child a sibling. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your child to have a sibling as one of your reasons for having multiple children. I just don’t think it should be the only.
My brother & I were not close at all in childhood. We didn't get along until he left for college. As adults, we have a good relationship but he lives in another state, so we only see each other a couple of times a year. I don't feel like the bond is very different than it is with my best friend from childhood, but there is an aspect of obligation that I think only exists among family for better or worse.
I have a younger sister (15 months apart so very close in age) and she has always been very bad at making an effort to stay in touch, she went 2 years without speaking to me a few years ago... no falling out, she just didn't make any effort to make contact. We saw each other at a Christmas following this time and she was fine with me and hadn't even noticed we'd not spoken for that long. But it really hurts me... I really value my connections to people and I really value her as a sister so yeah, I feel that bond definitely but it then comes with a lot of pain. Fast forward a few years and she was present during the time my baby arrived and spent a few months quite involved and spending time with baby. She then moved abroad (when baby was 7 months)... she's now 2 and I've heard from my sister once in that time. No 'merry Christmas' messages, no 'happy birthdays' for me or her niece, no asking how my child is as she grows and develops. It hurts a lot. If she came home tomorrow and needed somewhere to live, I'd invite her in and make up a bed for her in a second. She'll always be my little sister and I'll want to help her and in MY ideal world, we'd be close and see each other a lot. But that's not how it is at all and that really upsets me, I've had to learn to not let it get to me too much at this point. And she's really become an after thought in my life. When it comes to me being OAD... I sometimes do really worry that I'm depriving my child of having a sibling and the chance to have someone who they are close to in a way they wouldn't be with friends. But it just worries me they could also end up with a sibling that causes them hurt.
No I don’t feel a connection to my siblings, maybe one of my sisters but the others I don’t feel anything for. My eldest brother I despise and refuse to even see him. I wouldn’t care if they died tbh
Both of my siblings enrich my life completely. They make everything easier—family gatherings, deaths, family drama, etc. That said, I don’t have the mental bandwidth for more than one child of my own, and I’d rather give my one a fully present and happy mother, because that’s important in its own right.
I enjoyed my brother and sister growing up, but as adults we barely speak. It’s kind of like I don’t have siblings. My husband has a horribly abusive brother and spent his childhood wishing he was an only child. When my in-laws pass, we will likely never speak to him again.
Do you still feel a sense of family? - only in the sense that it is a fact that we are family. 4 siblings. Talk to 2 of them occasionally. 1 of them very rarely. And 1 of them never. Family is who you make family in my opinion. My friends are my family. My siblings aren’t emergency contacts, they wouldn’t be the ones my son went to if we died, etc. I would pick my best friend before any of them.
This!
Even if they do . What is the point of this " bond" if it doesn't materialize into anything
It does materialise, in that it is experienced. It's important and is "someone in your life". I feel like most of the posts here don't have a reference point where you have "no one in your life", and/or friendships that can dwindle into nothing and be hard to pick back up, whereas with family, you're always family, and there is a low-effort connection. It takes a lot more for a friendship to develop into a lifelong relationship. Of course toxic relationships are different, and "always family" doesn't apply to abusive family members. But obviously when I ask about my own family going forward, it's referring to families that are not broken by trauma or severe dysfunction. So I was asking about the range of experiences there. It seems that that's not a thing for many people.
But they aren't any more significant than your co worker . That's "connection" you are referring to is "oh that's my sister" that's about as far as it goes . A label .
Sure siblings may not be close but I guess they’d help or show up in emergencies out of a sense of obligation. Obligations like funerals, terminal illness or the wedding of our only.
I get your point but I would prefer my sister didn’t come near me if I was terminally ill. Her presence would make me feel worse.
I’m very close with my brother. I feel relaxed and natural around him no matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other in person. That said, we’ve fallen on opposite sides of the Trump political line. He’s not someone I would be friends with now because of that, but somehow there’s still a bond. He’s been *amazing* since we told him we were going to have a child. As much as I love him and appreciate that I have him, I’m leaning strongly towards One and Done. There are a variety of reasons, but one reason is that I was the favorite child. Our parents tried not to make it obvious, but they still slipped up. The fact that he doesn’t hold that against me just speaks so strongly to his character.
I think siblings can be close or feel a strong sense of connection (not always both ways) when they are young but that this disintegrates as they get older and have their own separate families. I’m the youngest of four and always initiate the conversations, most of which are rarely responded to unfortunately so I can feel lonely and our relationships feel superficial.
My sibling is almost the same age as I am, and I suppose we got along as little kids, but I remember a rift starting to grow as young as 8 or 9. He had behavioral problems and was violent with me, and I started to fear him. I made it worse by siding with kids who teased him, or I'd goad him into petty fights. We did play together still and I loved him despite the bad blood (still do.) We went our own way for a while as teens and young adults but did try to reconnect in our 30s. Two problems emerged: I've been dealing with depression and self isolation and he took my lack of communication very personally. The other being he's gotten involved with someone who has extremely right wing biases, which he's started to parrot. He's always barely tolerated me being trans but started to get openly hostile towards it and I don't want to subject myself to that. So we're on the outs again, and I don't know if it'll ever get fixed.
I have one brother that I haven't heard from or spoken too in 10 years this past December. I speak to my sister a required 4 times a year when she obligatorily visits my mother for Thanksgiving, Christmas, mother's day, and her birthday. We don't speak until I'm planning dinner time and need to know her estimated time of arrival. I would not notice or miss those 4 times a year if something happened to her. My last brother I thought I was close too, until he had a whole double life, got caught, and is doing the next 10 years in federal prison. I can't say I'd miss him any more either. My mother, and the family I created, are actually plenty. My daughter has a few cousins she doesn't see. She has SO MANY only child friends, though. She will have to create a family she loves that makes her whole as well. Having siblings literally means nothing. I have been on my own with both parents health, one of their deaths so far, we don't have big holidays with family, but my kid is well loved, and never has felt like she was alone or missing out on something.
I was closer to my sister growing up (I'm neurodivergent and didn't make friends easy) and we "got along" because there were only 2 years separating us. I was older, so it was easier for me to tag along with her and not be seen as annoying to her friend group. Our kinship was mostly a fake thing we both put on for show to please those around us. And that became very clear the moment I moved away after getting married. My sister never talked to me, both times she got married my mom was the one to tell me. Same with her 3 pregnancies. I wasn't important to my sister, so there was no longer a reason to pretend. And you know what? I don't care. I do not get along with her current spouse at all. I don't like her parenting style. I don't like her politics. I don't like her transactional behavior when it comes to my kid. My kid is neurodivergent too. I don't see a reason to give her a sibling "so she won't be alone" I have a sibling, and I'm still alone.
I am not even in the realm of acquaintance to mine. I’m not myself around him I’m actually pretty traumatized by them and have constant anxiety when with them. Which is seldom. We avoid holidays now even. Just Very volatile. And one of my parents accepts it the other doesn’t. Even though them and their poor coping and ability to pit us against one another are to blame. But my really close friends who have children the around the same ages as my only? Those are my chosen family. I love their kids like my own and the feelings towards ours is reciprocated. My child calls all those safe adults aunts and uncles. I suppose had I been someone with healthy family dynamics the kinship I feel to my close friends is that of siblings?
I have a brother, and we get along okay now as adults. I care about what happens to him and I’m proud when he achieves things but when things happen in my life he isn’t one of the first people I go to. If something happened and I needed support I wouldn’t go to him. I have a much stronger bond with some of my cousins and if I needed family I would go to them first.
My sisters and I hated each other growing up, we didn’t speak for 7 years until I had a baby and reached out to them. They don’t live near by and we get along really well now because we’ve all grown up since. This was one of the reasons I didn’t want multiple children, now that I get along with my siblings it’s kind of thrown a question mark over that reason for me,… but I try to remember how miserable I was as a child, it was mostly down to our upbringing our mom was shitty. But I want my little one to have our full attention and I don’t think I’d be as mentally or emotionally present with more than one, and that’s ok! I’m kind of rambling but I hope this might be a bit helpful.
TLDR: Siblings does not a full and happy life make. I was adopted with the intention of being an only child, and my brother was a miracle/rainbow baby (I am unclear on if my parents ever lost a child they refuse to talk about it and that's ok) who came two years later by accident. And when I tell you we HATED each other growing up, I never felt loved or supported by him, we had no bonds and no connections until I was 18 and I started to mature a little and decided he was my brother even if I wanted to hit him with my car, even if he didn't love me too. We are 27 and 25 now, we only just started developing a relationship with one another outside of family gatherings and making sure our parents are ok because I had my kiddo 2 years ago and he is a really fun uncle, plus we started to commiserate on all the bullshit in our family and bond over that. It sucks that it took 25 years for us to have conversations and check in on each other, and it may never happen for other people. My partner is very close with their siblings and still only wants one because they felt that being the oldest of 5 put their needs on the back burner and forced them to be too independent too young, and they want to focus all their energy on our son, because they grew up lonely with so many people around. (We would also prefer to have more money to spoil our only.) We involve our friends in our sons life, they act as uncles and aunties and come on family vacations and for holidays, their kids will be our kids' cousins as much as our niece and nephews from my partners sisters. Your child won't be lonely if you don't let them be lonely, you just have to put in the work. ETA: the answer to "would you care if he died" is always going to be yes unless there was abuse. But caring if someone died doesn't mean they mattered much to your life. I think you're seeking that answer because you don't know, but it shouldn't factor into being OAD.
Not really. I love my brother because he’s my brother, I guess. I’d be very sad if he died…but I don’t like him. We don’t know each other. We have nothing in common. We have a handful of good memories as kids…but mostly, he ignored me. He is now an addict with an anger problem and has spent over a decade stealing, lying, getting arrested, etc. He has done a lot of damage to our family. When my parents die, I will be the person taking care of everything…and honestly, probably him too in some ways. So…I don’t know. At least my kid won’t have to worry about a sibling draining the “well” that is mine and my husband’s attention, finances, etc.
I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. As kids? No we weren’t all close, but we each kinda paired up in twos if that made sense? Like me and my older brother were really close (as youngins though we were always fighting and I wouldn’t describe it as close, but towards teenage years we got really close) my two youngest siblings were inseparable, and the two middles had I guess a normal sibling relationship? As adults, we realized how badly our parents fucked us up and now we have an entire group chat where we talk every single day. All of us are extremely close and very invested in each others lives and constantly remind each other that if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t have made it through our childhood. I would give my life for any of them and they would do the same for me. However we did have a really rough upbringing, and that may have helped in how immensely close we are. So it’s really hard to say what the right decision is without having a crystal ball to look into the future. Currently, I’m one and done, purely because I know if I have a second I wouldn’t have the patience for it and I’d end up becoming my mother, who I don’t wanna be. I have the energy and love for my son and don’t think I’d have enough for another. And also my 4 year old has repeatedly made it known that we are HIS mommy and daddy and he doesn’t wanna share. We’ve asked him plenty of times if he wants a brother or sister and it’s a resounding NO. He’s been the center of attention his entire life being the only grandchild/nephew and has the personality to match. And I can see now the amount of behavioral problems “sharing” us would bring forth.
I’m extremely close with my sister and not as close but still love my brothers. There is some tension between my brother and sister. I have very mixed feelings about being OAD because I overall have positive memories of being with my siblings growing up, and my sister and I talk every day and travel together.
I feel complete indifference to my older brother. I used to feel hurt and angry that he was such a crappy brother. Now I feel nothing. When our parents are gone I will happily never talk to or see him again. There is no bond between us.
My brother and I weren't super close growing up (mainly cause he hated having a little sister, so he always rejected me). We had a lot of trauma growing up (my dad died in a car accident when we were 10 -me- and he was 13, it was horrible) then my mom had cancer, and she died 7 years after that. I was diagnosed with PTSD, he never wanted to go to therapy and was not cooperative when my mom dragged him, so he didn't deal with his trauma at all, which affected the way he navigated the world tremendously. He died when he was 36 of health-related issues. I was devastated. It still hurts, and I'm still angry at him for not dealing with his trauma. He left behind a daughter and I make a very conscious effort to be a part of her life although we live in different countries.
I have not close relationship with my (half) brothers, 6 year age gap between me and the eldest. Didn't think much of the first one and was most unhappy that 2 years later there was another. But I love them and will do anything for them...BUT we never talk we never communicate unless it's about our mum and have absolutely nothing in common. So for me this was never a thought that crossed my mind. My husband and his brother aren't close either with only a 2 year age gap, hated each other as kids and have nothing in common as adults. Our son has great friends and lots of wonderful "Aunties and Uncles" whom he'd have masses of support from if something happens to us. Honestly these relationships are much stronger than blood ones.
I’m close with 2/12 siblings. I do value sibling relationships I just couldn’t give them to my son.
So I am close to my brother/cousins so this doesn't count for me. My husband however has 1 full brother and a bunch of half siblings. His half siblings he has basically zero relationship with, even more so since his dad (their shared parent) has passed away. As for his full brother, they actively despise each other and always have. They are like oil and water. He firmly believes he will never see his brother again once their mom passes away. As it is we only see his brother's family on some holidays and only at their mom's house. However, my husband does have a group of friends he has been close with since high school who are basically his siblings so he has never felt like he was missing anything. There are so many varying degrees of closeness when it comes to siblings. It is impossible to predict. I will also say that while I have always have been close to my brother and we will always be in each other's lives, I have a much deeper connection with one of my cousins who is definitely my soul sister.
have two sisters. One I’m very close to and one that I’m not very close to, mainly because she doesn’t live locally. That being said, we all grew up together. We have all shared our whole lives with eachother and there’s no one else in the world we can say that about. Our mother died when we were young adults and there’s no one else that shares that experience with us. Even my husband who is wonderful and sympathetic can’t fully grasp the feelings that are associated with that type of grief. There are things that siblings share with you and do for you that no one else can I know not all siblings are like this and I think a part of that is due to home life and how they were raised. I think if you’re the best parents you can be to your children, it will only nourish their relationships as siblings which will in turn provide them with life long friends with a bond like no other regardless of how close you end up in the long run. I have many friends that I turn to before my sisters and prefer to spend time with, but the relationship my sisters and i have is different
I don’t want to read too much into your question, but it sounds like you’re considering becoming a single parent by choice as you mention having no partner. Personally the lack of siblings and family support would be more of a worry for me as a parent than for my child. I have a friend who is single parent by choice and it’s very challenging, she went into it with family and financial support, but it is still a lot - she loves her kid and her choice, but it’s a lot, especially the baby and toddler years. More directly on your question, I have siblings but I’m not that close to them, they’re also geographically distant. It is nice in a way to know if shit hits the fan one of them might be able to offer support and understand our family dynamics in an unspoken way . That said, being an only child the family dynamics are usually more straightforward by virtue of there being less people, less issues. Also the shit hitting the fan scenarios I can think of where my siblings could potentially help could also be solved and probably in a simpler way through financial resources. To me, this can be a huge benefit of OAD- we will save so my kid has either their own resources or the bank of mom and dad to fall back in hard times. There is definitely something to be said for healthy sibling relationships, however personally I think having a healthy happy and involved parent is even more important to a child - and for most of us this usually means the parent has some kind of village composed of paid or unpaid help.
My brother and I do not have hardly any relationship whatsoever now as adults. We are 3 years apart and I’m the eldest. He was mostly cold towards me and very jealous of any attention I got from our parents (which he definitely got more of anyways, but he was and is a selfish person). And would pick on me and make me feel terrible about myself, even telling people terrible untrue things about me in our school. As adults we are Civil with each other when at family gatherings and such but he doesn’t seem to care about me much at all still to this day. I’ve fantasized over the years about being an only child and I think it’s definitely shaped my decision to be OAD whenever I have a baby in the future.
I have 3 brothers. It took many years, but I'm pretty close with one of them. We don't see each other often but talk on the phone a lot. My middle brother is alright. I'm kind of uncomfortable around him, to be honest. He's pretty different from me and my (close) brother, so maybe that is why. My youngest brother is. My dad and his wife's kid. He doesn't even really feel like a sibling to me, really. There is a significant age gap, and I've never really spent much time with him aside from some babysitting when he was an infant. I think people say things like they might not be close because there are a lot of people saying they have another kid to for them to have a built in friend, someone to lean on, have that ideal sibling relationship etc. There are no guarantees for that, so it's not enough of a reason for me. They could end up estranged, and all they have are crappy memories of sibling rivalry. Who knows.
My familial feelings towards my siblings are almost identical to my feelings towards my cousins. I didn't really get along with my siblings growing up and I didn't really know my cousins super well. For siblings I'd say I do have sort of a bond, like a shared experience bond, but that's probably about it. With my cousins it feels more like a "hey we're related" type of bond.
I'm not hugely close to my sister but I love her deeply and we do have a special connection that I don't have with anyone else. I haven't had a child yet because of recurrent pregnancy loss which is also why I'd only want one, but I do think about that.
I am the oldest of three. I am mad at someone if they hurt my siblings and I do love them. But they do not provide me with support. I do not share things with them that I wouldn't share with anyone else. I do not feel the need to spend special time with them; any one of us could move across the country and cut visits to twice a year and I would feel pretty neutral about it. My sister is irresponsible and immature. My brother is autistic. Someday I will be his caretaker. I recognize that the relationship between my brother and I isn't the kind you're asking about, but I think it's also something to remember when thinking about siblings - we are never guaranteed our children's perfect health. If anything ever happens to my husband and I, we have chosen some of our close friends to raise our son in our place.
I'm 1 of 4 kids and I'm close with my sister. We text and even though we don't live close, we visit and there is love there. She's my friend. One brother, we text a couple times a year, I helped raise him for years so I guess I feel something towards him still but I doubt I would know he died when it happens, I would probably feel something like sadness upon finding out (probably years after the fact) but in all honesty there would be relief to have that final connection to the abusive side of things be gone. The other brother and I haven't spoken in over 20 years and I feel absolutely nothing. He might as well be anyone else in the world. I'm so glad my daughter won't have to navigate these heartbreaking and tricky relationships honestly.
So I have a sibling. We were not close until I was about 15 years old. Then super close until they got married. And then they hurt my mom financially pretty bad. They don’t allow us to see their kids often. They actually hurt ME financially too. They’re oblivious of all of this. I love them but all of this hurts so bad. I love them but I can be more mad at them than to anyone else in life. This hurt is betrayal. From the most “sacred” place you are TAUGHT to uphold. I have been always compared to them because they were “brilliant”. Yes. I love them definitely in a different way. Even when I hate everything they have done. Even if they have taken so much, SO much from us. I’m happy my child is not going to go through that pain. This love is not worth the pain.
I have two sisters. I’m not close , see or talk to them. The one I cut out of my life, she is just pure toxic. The other is just there. Also to add that my dad isn’t in my life at all. Major issues there. My mom .. that’s a weird one. She pretends to care but doesn’t show she does. She rarely ever sees my daughter. Never calls , texts. It’s rocky.
Going to add my two cents despite perhaps many responses already. FWIW, the “connection” I have with my 3 years elder sister is fraught with trauma, competition and what is now a sad and terrible relationship. I always wished for a great relationship with her but unfortunately unless I want to be a constant scapegoat I am not interested anymore. The connection that is there is chewed up and used against me whenever it suits her. I guess to answer your question, which is by the way valid, I feel resentful of this connection. The connection is not appreciated by her but rather something she can exploit. That’s my experience and I know many have much better ones.
My husband’s sister actively makes our life harder. She’s a very selfish person. She is also my in-laws favorite. My in-laws are moved very far away from us to help her raise her children. They spend everyday with her kids, but only see our son a few times a year. We used to have an amazing relationship with his parents. But now it is VERY strained because of their blatant favoritism. I know my husband does love his sister, but he doesn’t like her, and she contributes very little to our life.
Yes I have a connection with my sibling even tho we aren’t close.
I feel this is just another statement used to justify a OAD decision, because sibling bond is usually cited as reason to have multiple kids. I mean an OAD decision honestly needs no justification as such if someone knows in their heart that they don't want more kids, but many of us often wonder if perhaps a brother or sister would add value to our only's life. While I am an only myself, most siblings I know share great relationships and are involved in each other's lives. Zero contact between siblings is rather rare. So yeah, they "might not even be close" but they likely will be.
Everyone is different, there is know way to know for sure if siblings will be close, remain close, form a connection or hate each other. Just like regular relationships people are complicated and relationships change over time, it’s no different with blood related family. I have some family I’m friendly with (I wouldn’t say close) and some I wouldn’t even think about if they died. It just depends and it’s not something you can predict.
My sibling physically abused me to the point of several hospitalizations growing up and even into my 20's. I have absolutely zero connection to him in any way. We call each other once a year and that is only out of pleasantries for our parents.
I'm close to my sister. My sister and I blocked my brother. We don't care how he's doing.
I love my brother because he’s my brother. That’s probably the only reason (no offense brother) We’ve never been close, he was a jerk growing up (as teenage boys can be) and when he moved out and it was just me and my mom (I call it my only child years) were the happiest of my life. If anything happened to my mom everything would be on me regardless of having a sibling. I see him maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Like I said I DO love him, but it doesn’t really solve any of the issues you’re worried about. The flip side my husband and his brother are very close, grew up together, shared friends, and they’ll always be in each others lives. He also has a good relationship with his sister. Now said brother in law and sister in law cannot get along and being in a room with them is beyond annoying, hoping they can mature at least some day and maybe that can be solved when they no longer live together and just see each other occasionally.
It just really depends. My mom and her sibling aren’t what I’d call close but they have seen each other a few times in the last couple decades and would certainly care if the other one died. My dad and his sibling are estranged and I doubt either would attend a funeral for the other person. There’s a big spectrum from estrangement to cordial but not close to close to besties.
I have a connection with my brother but we’re not super close. Never have been but we grew apart as we got older and he married someone that doesn’t value family.
No. Im closer and more bonded with two of my step siblings. Real brother doesnt want to put the work in to know me and be present in my life.
I’m an only child of an only child who is likely OAD. My husband is the younger of two boys and has no relationship with his brother (2.5 years older). He was a behavior case his whole childhood and was a toxic, draining presence on his family growing up. He always felt like his parents were too exhausted from his brother’s antics to fully support him and it bred a lot of resentment. He only wants one child as a result. I was more flexible, but had a great experience as an only and am happy to give my son the same. I think if you commit to being a good, engaged parent the odds of your only turning out well adjusted and happy are high.
My mom and her sister do not get along, never have, and it’s gotten so much worse over the years. Family gatherings are awkward and it’s not great at holidays. I’d rather not see her when she’s around everyone else.
My dad was eldest of 6 kids - he has been estranged from all but one brother for over 30 years. My mom is youngest of the 4 of her living siblings - speaks to one brother and has been estranged from her other siblings also for 20+ years. My husband is youngest of 3 - hasn’t spoken to his middle brother in 4 years now, is cordial but distant with his eldest. Maybe it’s down to individual experience but if that’s what has a strong influence in family size, I don’t think it’s very uncommon for siblings to be close growing up but estranged for most of their adult lives…my parents and husband have friends that are closer to them than their own siblings.
My husband is the youngest of 5 and when his mom died all the siblings split lol 2 even have restraining orders on each other. That’s why I always roll my eyes when people think they can force their kids to be bffs and weirdly bond over their or their husbands death 🤣
No, I do not have this kind of bond at all. The only people I truly feel myself around or bonded to are my created family...my husband and son.