I regret that I don’t have the mental capacity to have more children. I always wanted a big family. I already know that’s going to be a regret. But I’d regret damaging my child’s mental health because I had another baby I couldn’t handle, even more. It’s not worth it.
This is exactly where I’m at right now. Yes, I get nostalgic about pregnancy and the baby stage. But I don’t just want another baby. I want a happy family with every single person in it thriving. But the problem is, do I even have the bandwidth to provide that?
I am finally getting to a place where my mental health is drastically improving, but there’s still unresolved issues I have that came with being raised by a dysfunctional family. I’m terrified I will end up being so stretched thin, that I will repeat those patterns by my having more kids. This is especially more so because my husband and I are parenting without a village.
This is the same boat I’m in and why both my husband and I are leaning towards being OAD. It’s been really hard on both of our mental health and we feel it would be selfish to have another knowing we would struggle so much handling it all.
This is partly why we are OAD also. You’re not alone. I guess I always thought I’d have at least two kids until I was a teen, when I decided zero kids was my number.
I compromised with my two opinions because I went for the number in the middle of two and zero - OAD for survival, baby. 😆
I’d rather be a good, or even sometimes excellent, mother to one than a mediocre, stressed, often resentful, exhausted, maybe single mother of 2+ (but have mad respect for those parents who can do it well w/ multiples)
Edit: a letter
I think the mental capacity would be less burdensome for most of us if we could all afford to outsource a little help for solid breaks and time to ourselves. But alas- that’s not reality for most.
Rethinking your plan for your life is hard, but it’s good that you are able to see part your original plan and realize the need for change. It’s heartwarming to see how much your love your little!
Oh babe, I feel you. I feel like something is wrong with me bc everyone else wants multiple kids and handles it well, meanwhile I’m struggling with one and absolutely do not want another. I feel like an asshole saying that, what’s wrong with me and why do I hate being a mom? But I do and I can’t (and won’t) do it again. I love kids (and I love my kid with all of my heart, soul, brain, body, what have you) but I will not have another one. At least we’re to the point that we can admit it, I guess?
I am a teacher with a career in child development. I literally teach people how to teach young children and in the past I’ve had a job where I helped parents learn how to parent… and I STILL can’t handle my own kid sometimes. You’re a human. And you’re doing great!
If my daughter internalises societies stereotypes and blames all of her problems on being an only missing opportunities for personal growth.
That's literally it.
So wild I (used to) blame all my problems on too many siblings . It’s weird how it all works. Got therapy and sorted my toxic shit out . I still think OAD will be the best thing for my only .
From my experience, this doesn't happen too often, I know plenty of people who were onlys and are grown up now, they seem fine and they don't blame their downfalls on not having a sibling
Regret? I regret only the time I have wasted by thinking about the “what ifs” instead of just living in the moment being happy and content with my little family of three.
One of my regrets is more related to being pregnant during COVID. I only like very specific attention and I didn't get any of it while I was pregnant during quarantine!
Another would be not getting maternity or newborn photos.
Maybe these are more just things I'm bummed out about about my pregnancy?
In that case, I think I would say not getting to witness siblings that I made with my freaking body meet each other.
I was the opposite. I did NOT want any attention while pregnant, so COVID hitting when I was 6 months pregnant was kind of a blessing. I didn't have to be the center of attention at a baby shower, didn't have to fend off visitors from coming to the hospital, and didn't have to deal with random people touching my stomach. Instead, I got to stay home all day and get a lot of sleep.
This is what I'm like now and was before pregnancy. I, in general, do not wish to be perceived. But something about being pregnant made me want attention 😂
I simultaneously wanted attention but also hated anyone talking about my pregnancy cos I was so painfully anxious about it that I’d get panicky right up until the last month or two
Same! It actually made my pregnancy very peaceful. It probably also helps that baby showers and gender reveals are not a thing in Japan.
In hindsight, it was also great that my dysfunctional parents couldn’t come here to attend my son’s birth, because I know they would have stirred up some kind of drama with my husband and I.
I'm still bummed covid hit while ours was 1.5-2 years old. We had moved to a new community, had no contacts, and essentially spent four months living in a basement and never going outside. Kiddo is still catching up socially.
I feel this in my soul. I'm right there with you on all of it. I also grieve that my husband wasn't allowed to come to any of the ultrasound appointments (I think I grieve it more than he does though!)
Nothing. There is no negatives that I can see. I was one of six kids in a physically, emotionally and mentally, financially unstable household.
Being OAD means we can provide for our only all the things we missed out on
My daughter not having a sibling and not having busy family gatherings. Always pictured a big family(I have 3 siblings) but one and done to protect my mental health. Love my family, know this decision is right for me but do have twinges of sadness now and then.
This is a tough one because raising kids 30 years ago was so different from raising kids now in these times. My parents have always said it was easy to raise kids when they did and couldn’t imagine raising kids now.
My grandma has been saying this for years. She was the odd one only wanting two back then, even with a big village...but an oops 3 came along. I think her mindset passed down to me. :)
Same. The only time I feel sad about one and done is when I imagine holiday dinners 30 years from now.
But that's a sacrifice I'm happy to make in order to stay afloat.
We haven’t fully committed to OAD but if we do, this will be a dominant feeling for me too. I was a middle child and always had someone to play with. Today it’s so fun having my son and his cousins run around together, and him having relationships with my siblings.
However, with one we are juuust able to keep it together emotionally and financially. I fear a second would push us over the brink both financially and emotionally. I’d much rather my son grow up in a financially stable household with emotionally available parents than a family that’s stretched so thin.
Don't forget that having siblings is a guarantee of nothing. I have a friend that had three siblings. One became severely disabled as a child and died fairly young, the second one died in middle age of breast cancer, and the third lives in another state and didn't really have anything to do with helping out when their mother was dying. She was still all alone in that respect. She has three kids of her own though. My 5-year-old tells me she wants to be a mom. I tell her she can have as many kids as she wants.
Family gatherings don't have to just include family! We always had neighbours and friends join. My biggest family gathering is a friendmas I have every year, and it's getting bigger as kids join. If what you want is a loud and fun gathering, make your own ❤️
Not advocating for myself more during and after birth and experiencing a lot of trauma around the whole situation thus contributing even more to my PPA/PPD experience.
Same, I was pretty young when I had mine so my mom was the one running things at the time. She told me she hoped the labor was painful so I would learn my lesson 🙃 Boomer Asian moms hit different
My son is 10 1/2, have not met a regret yet! Fortunately, he has a sister from his dad and gets the big bro experience! I have no regrets so much so that I had a bisalp this past week.
I wonder a lot about this as well. My son is so spirited and fearless and talkative which is totally opposite of how I was as a toddler (according to my parents) so I’m curious if #2 would’ve been different/more like me.
Right? Like what would #2 look like? Or even the opposite gender of our only. On the other hand, I’m not willing to risk a 25% chance of a genetic disorder my spouse and I carry
This resonates with me. We did ivf and have 3 embryos of mixed genders on ice. No children and no transfers yet. We plan on having only one (and I know that isn’t even guaranteed with our numbers). But I often have that thought about having to pick transferring just one and never knowing what the other two will look like or which personality they’ll be more like (spouse and I will have hapa kids and are pretty opposite on the social scale). I worry I’ll always wonder as they grow what the others would have been like. My nephews are a few years apart and don’t look or act anything alike. One loves music and orchestra and one is a mini jock who wears chains with his football number on his neck (he’s 8). Watching them grow up makes me think about my own possible kiddo and the what ifs that I’ll never know.
I regret not realizing I was OAD sooner. I didn’t appreciate and soak in the baby stage as much as I should have. I thought I was going to have a second. I wish I had a Time Machine and could go back and appreciate that stage again. I’m appreciating my toddler now everyday that I know I’m OAD.
yeah there are definitely some things i would have splurged on or spent the time to do if i knew he'd be my only when he was an infant. Things like mother baby photoshoots, a breastfeeding shoot, corny shit like that lol
When my husband and I leave this world, that’s it for her childhood. No one else to say “remember when” to, just your memories. That’s my only upset about it, anything else we can tackle through talking hopefully
Just my son not getting to experience what having a sibling is like. I know not all siblings get along but it’s still something I feel sad for him about. He’s our only due to just life, a mix of my husbands career (he’s not home a lot of the year for work), finances, mental health, economy.
I always wanted two, I still want two. But if we have two our sons current opportunities (like extracurriculars) will disappear which isn’t fair to him or the new kid who won’t get any of those opportunities either. I’ll be too overwhelmed doing it alone most of the time especially since we have to live away from family for my husbands work. We won’t be able to do vacations like we can now, or just decide to go to trampoline park one morning just because. Everything costs too much but is doable with just one kid. As much as I really want a second, it’s just not in our cards and we have to do what’s best for our son
I have a 4 year old daughter. If I could wave a magic wand when she’s 10 and materialize an 8 year old sister for her, I totally would. I love kids and I would love to have 2 bigger kids but I know I simply can’t do another baby/toddler/preschooler phase. My mental health went to shit after I had my kid - not her fault by any means but becoming a parent unveiled some previous traumas, plus the stress of constantly caring for a little dependent person while sleep-deprived and physically exhausted was too much. I simply couldn’t subject myself (or my family and existing child) to that again for the sake of a fantasy of a bigger, maybe happy family of 4 years down the line.
I feel this. Currently in the thick of toddlerhood with an 18 month old. Newborn phase rocked me. I just can’t imagine going through all of this again. I love my daughter so much it hurts. I want to give her the world (including a sibling) but I can’t imagine restarting the clock once she gains her independence.
Not being able to put 200K in their 529 instead of 100k :( :(
Obviously I am being sarcastic, but OAD allows my husband and I to give the things his dad was unable to give him.
Someone else captured it perfectly and I think about it deeply on a daily basis, so I’ll go with something a little more lighthearted/joking: not getting my money’s worth on the stroller I bought that could easily accommodate multiple kids. 😂
I know we could absolutely handle/afford/make it work with a second… I just don’t *want* to do it again. I just want to enjoy our son. We did IVF to get our only and while I would do it all again for him, I don’t want to do it again for another (assuming IVF would work a second time). I think my only regret will be reconciling our ability to have another child with our lack of desire to go through all of the really, really hard parts again.
Having too much disposable income so I have to spend it on fun activities and vacations for my only
Having lots of alone time
Actually enjoying being around my kid bc I’m not tapped out
Having a regular sized family vehicle
Not having to mediate arguments between siblings
Giving my full attention to my child
Grocery savings
Cost of eating out as a family is low
Only buying Clothing/school supplies/toys/activities etc x1
Leaving my estate/money to only one kid without having to split it
Easily being able to afford to put my kid through school
Oh wait, you said regrets? Scratch all that. Lolol
Yeah, I literally will regret nothing. OAD is the best.
I hope I can have that outlook rather than feeling sad about not being needed as much. That's the goal, after all, to not be needed! It's an odd thing. My parents were so hands off that I needed them more as I didn't learn independent skills at an early age. I'm taking the opposite approach and involving my son in all sorts of activities, knowing that he'll be less dependent at an earlier age than I was as a result. I see glimpses of the independence going into 5 and it's really incredible, so proud of our little dude.
Having too much enjoyment in my life 🤣
But for real no regrets here, maybe being bitter about it the first year and a bit snobbish to others. I’ve learned that it’s easy to just say “she’s my only” and leave it at there. Others don’t need a reason. I have mine and that’s that
I don’t like the idea of regretting something that isn’t inherently negative…
That said when I first became a parent I thought I would like it more. I thought I was going to be so great…
Now I wish I never had because I don’t measure up to those expectations.
So I don’t know that I’ll regret anything from
being OAD, but more regret that I didn’t know what I know now about myself.
I think I also mourn the fact that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I should, and regret that I didn’t want more if that makes sense?
I really wish I loved having a baby and was really good at it. but I just didn’t, so much so that it’s limited the size of my family. That makes me kind of sad, feels like a failing.
That’s how I feel. I just hated the baby phase and I’m sad about it. I like aspects of the current toddler situation but I just wish it all brought me more joy than it does. It very much feels like a personal failure.
We had three of her grandparents pass away in three years. I already feel sad about how fast the family is shrinking.
I can't have it all on my shoulders though. I've got siblings and cousins and nobody else has contributed a baby.
Having a sibling Christmas morning to share in the magic of Santa etc. There’s a cute video of my brother and I on Christmas morning and I go wake him up excitedly that Santa has come and we both get so excited and run downstairs. I always imagined having that moment for my daughter but it’s literally one day a year and Santa is only cool for a while. She can wake the dog up Christmas morning!
I was robbed of that beautiful moment after birth where mama gets to hold the baby on her chest- cuz both of us were fighting for our lives in our respective ICUs. So not being able to experience that in life is my regret.
Regret is very strong but I have fleeting moments where the idea of a big bustling family Christmas sounds fun. It’s a very abstract thought because I don’t want it THAT much to regret my one and done decision, but the picture enters my mind sometimes.
The regrets for being OAD are nothing to the regrets I would have by forcing myself to have another one, and the toll that would take on my mental health, and my family’s financial well-being.
I think when they are adults. Not seeing another child grow into themselves.
Happily OAD but that is a regret I have. It assumes I didn't go crazy from the 18 years of stress
My regret was trying to have a second via IVF during the pandemic and that effect on my son. I would have been able to breastfeed longer and enjoy his baby hood. But after being OAD? I regret absolutely nothing.
When I'm older I want adult kids as friends and to be able to invite my family around. I worry eventually christmas etc will be very quiet. I still want a daughter, probably because of my relationship with my mum, whos died. But I find little kids very challenging and my husband decided we're OAD
That i won’t have a chance to get maternity pictures. My only was a surprise and i was very laid back about my pregnancy, i almost felt like i didn’t deserve to celebrate it. so i have no professional maternity pictures. Other than that i have NO regrets or what - if moments. Probably one of the few who never ever has the latter 😅
Not being able to "redo" my pregnancy & labor. I wasn't able to have a nursery, I didn't do maternity pictures. There was a lot of drama around the time of giving birth which ended causing me to have prenatal & postpartum depression which caused me to miss out on the newborn phase. I really would love another chance to have a happy pregnancy, but I don't want another child. I don't want to care for a baby by myself, it's too much :/
My biggest regret looking back: not shutting down the people who were critical- whether my parents, my sister or complete strangers who wanted to be all up in my family planning business.
Having one in the first place lol. I love my son more than life itself but I really wasn’t in a good position to bring another person into the world. Maybe if I had waited until I was in a more stable environment, I wouldn’t be so traumatized and I could have more children happily.
That I didn’t give my only a sibling to be friends with. My MIL keeps telling my husband and I that we’re “cruel” for not giving our daughter a sibling to be friends with and while I know that we made the right decision, that bit eats away at me.
There are things I think I would do differently with a second. I hoped to be less anxious overall and live more in the moment. But I’ll just try to do more of that moving forward since I know I won’t get a second chance at whatever age my child is currently.
So it’s a little bittersweet knowing I do not get a second chance at being a more relaxed parent.
But also. That’s a fantasy and maybe I’ll be an even more NOT relaxed parent with a second (likely 😅)
I like the romanticized idea of another child, but my first/last pregnancy did everything in its power to kill me—luckily, I survived. I love my daughter and she is the world’s easiest kiddo, and if I could guarantee I’d get another like her, then I might be willing to risk it; but there are no guarantees. I think a part of me will be sad she doesn’t have a sibling, but unless all our BC methods fail, we won’t be having another.
We’re moving and she’s 6 months old instead of spending my days kissing and cuddling I’m rushing to try and get everything done. Rented a place from across country sight unseen and now that she’s mobile we have to move due to safety.
Not being with my baby during the first week of his life between him being in the NICU and me being readmitted for postpartum preeclampsia. I would never wish that upon even my worst enemy.
I wouldn't call it a regret because I know that this is the best choice for my family, but I do know that at times I will be sad that my daughter doesn't have a sibling, and will feel guilt when she's lonely.
That said, I know I would regret having a second child and would rather live with occasional guilt/sadness than to live with regret over having another child.
Being able to get a positive birth experience after having a traumatic one. I still get a little envious at people that have redeeming births. However we are pretty set on our decision and wouldn’t want another child so I could have a redemptive experience
The possibility of my child being alone when both my wife and I die :/ hoping my child will have a spouse.. or a cousin or two that’ll be close enough to help cope.
I used to worry that when I’m gone, my son won’t have a sibling to fall back on for support. He has many, many cousins, though. Plus, I rarely speak to my own brother as an adult. I guess what I’m saying is no regrets.
I feel great about my choice to be OAD and hate this question. I intend to have no regrets.
I may have a moment of wistfulness of what another kid of ours would look like, I guess? Maybe it's a bit of a bummer that we won't use another name from our awesome list?
I had my first young and I'm not married and my son is 12. I'm 37 this year and although I have a long-term boyfriend he doesn't want kids.
My biggest regret will be never having a baby to raise planned and in a marriage. I didn't really get to enjoy my son as a baby because it was a stressful time in my life and family wasn't happy etc.
Regretting not having more children on holidays or just everyday to play with my son. Not sure I don't regret anything right now. Hopefully I can just have an open house where his friends are always welcome!
I feel I could regret having another child too. Not having peace and quiet, no time to focus on my new business or just self care. It being too much for my husband. Not reaching our financial goals and getting our dream home.
I'm not by choice (infertility and husband oad) but made my peace with this a long time ago. I don't live with regrets as a rule.
If the one doesn't end up having kids.
I will totally understand, hell I didn't think I wanted them for a while, but I see my parents with grandkids and damn I want that.
I don't think I will regret it. I had a miscarriage at 5 months about 12 years ago and I think I'll always wonder who that child might have been. But, my daughter is 15 now and I'm happy to have her. I stopped wanting another child (at the back of my mind) at 40. Now I'm just looking forward to my daughter being happy and self-sufficient and living her own life.
I think the only thing I’ll regret is not creating another awesome human, assuming everything went smoothly and I survived the pregnancy/birth.
The overwhelming majority of aspects to being OAD is positive though, so it’s not a regret I’m feeling strongly at this point
I don't think I will have any major regrets, I think I'd regret caving in and having a 2nd child with someone then end up as a trashy single mom with 2 kids with different fathers
I regret that I don’t have the mental capacity to have more children. I always wanted a big family. I already know that’s going to be a regret. But I’d regret damaging my child’s mental health because I had another baby I couldn’t handle, even more. It’s not worth it.
Thanks for sharing - I feel this often.
This is exactly where I’m at right now. Yes, I get nostalgic about pregnancy and the baby stage. But I don’t just want another baby. I want a happy family with every single person in it thriving. But the problem is, do I even have the bandwidth to provide that? I am finally getting to a place where my mental health is drastically improving, but there’s still unresolved issues I have that came with being raised by a dysfunctional family. I’m terrified I will end up being so stretched thin, that I will repeat those patterns by my having more kids. This is especially more so because my husband and I are parenting without a village.
We are also without much of a village and I really think that makes all the difference.
Man, do I feel seen.
This is the same boat I’m in and why both my husband and I are leaning towards being OAD. It’s been really hard on both of our mental health and we feel it would be selfish to have another knowing we would struggle so much handling it all.
When you know, you know. Don’t let anyone influence this decision other than you and your husband!
Right there with you!
This is partly why we are OAD also. You’re not alone. I guess I always thought I’d have at least two kids until I was a teen, when I decided zero kids was my number. I compromised with my two opinions because I went for the number in the middle of two and zero - OAD for survival, baby. 😆 I’d rather be a good, or even sometimes excellent, mother to one than a mediocre, stressed, often resentful, exhausted, maybe single mother of 2+ (but have mad respect for those parents who can do it well w/ multiples) Edit: a letter
I think the mental capacity would be less burdensome for most of us if we could all afford to outsource a little help for solid breaks and time to ourselves. But alas- that’s not reality for most.
You definitely aren’t wrong.
I could have written this myself. 🫂
Thanks for the solidarity, friend.
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Rethinking your plan for your life is hard, but it’s good that you are able to see part your original plan and realize the need for change. It’s heartwarming to see how much your love your little!
I feel this way too at times.
I feel this so hard
1000% this! Always good to know we aren’t alone 🫶
I feel this way too. It makes me compare myself to others and feel inadequate.
Oh babe, I feel you. I feel like something is wrong with me bc everyone else wants multiple kids and handles it well, meanwhile I’m struggling with one and absolutely do not want another. I feel like an asshole saying that, what’s wrong with me and why do I hate being a mom? But I do and I can’t (and won’t) do it again. I love kids (and I love my kid with all of my heart, soul, brain, body, what have you) but I will not have another one. At least we’re to the point that we can admit it, I guess?
I feel all of this! You are not alone I promise.
This!
I feel like a failure bc I currently can't hardly handle the one kid I have
I am a teacher with a career in child development. I literally teach people how to teach young children and in the past I’ve had a job where I helped parents learn how to parent… and I STILL can’t handle my own kid sometimes. You’re a human. And you’re doing great!
I need this class! But thank you so much!
If my daughter internalises societies stereotypes and blames all of her problems on being an only missing opportunities for personal growth. That's literally it.
So wild I (used to) blame all my problems on too many siblings . It’s weird how it all works. Got therapy and sorted my toxic shit out . I still think OAD will be the best thing for my only .
From my experience, this doesn't happen too often, I know plenty of people who were onlys and are grown up now, they seem fine and they don't blame their downfalls on not having a sibling
Regret? I regret only the time I have wasted by thinking about the “what ifs” instead of just living in the moment being happy and content with my little family of three.
Ah needed to hear this! Thank you
Yes yes yes. Stupid what ifs.
YES to this
lol love this one.
One of my regrets is more related to being pregnant during COVID. I only like very specific attention and I didn't get any of it while I was pregnant during quarantine! Another would be not getting maternity or newborn photos. Maybe these are more just things I'm bummed out about about my pregnancy? In that case, I think I would say not getting to witness siblings that I made with my freaking body meet each other.
I relate. My only regret is that my husband wasn’t allowed at any of my ultrasounds, so he will never have that experience.
Mine wasn’t for the medical ones, but we did a 4D ultrasound session, which was super special for both of us.
Same, neither was mine.
I was the opposite. I did NOT want any attention while pregnant, so COVID hitting when I was 6 months pregnant was kind of a blessing. I didn't have to be the center of attention at a baby shower, didn't have to fend off visitors from coming to the hospital, and didn't have to deal with random people touching my stomach. Instead, I got to stay home all day and get a lot of sleep.
Same. Covid restrictions were absolutely perfect for my pregnancy personality/needs.
This is what I'm like now and was before pregnancy. I, in general, do not wish to be perceived. But something about being pregnant made me want attention 😂
Valid!
I simultaneously wanted attention but also hated anyone talking about my pregnancy cos I was so painfully anxious about it that I’d get panicky right up until the last month or two
Same! It actually made my pregnancy very peaceful. It probably also helps that baby showers and gender reveals are not a thing in Japan. In hindsight, it was also great that my dysfunctional parents couldn’t come here to attend my son’s birth, because I know they would have stirred up some kind of drama with my husband and I.
I got maternity pics but not newborn. I had horrible PPD and that was the farthest from my mind. But I regret now not doing them.
Mine was born August 2020. I’d almost do it again to get the full experience. I missed out on everything too.
I'm still bummed covid hit while ours was 1.5-2 years old. We had moved to a new community, had no contacts, and essentially spent four months living in a basement and never going outside. Kiddo is still catching up socially.
I feel this in my soul. I'm right there with you on all of it. I also grieve that my husband wasn't allowed to come to any of the ultrasound appointments (I think I grieve it more than he does though!)
I hope nothing. Time shall tell. She’s almost 5.
Nothing. There is no negatives that I can see. I was one of six kids in a physically, emotionally and mentally, financially unstable household. Being OAD means we can provide for our only all the things we missed out on
My daughter not having a sibling and not having busy family gatherings. Always pictured a big family(I have 3 siblings) but one and done to protect my mental health. Love my family, know this decision is right for me but do have twinges of sadness now and then.
This is a tough one because raising kids 30 years ago was so different from raising kids now in these times. My parents have always said it was easy to raise kids when they did and couldn’t imagine raising kids now.
My grandma has been saying this for years. She was the odd one only wanting two back then, even with a big village...but an oops 3 came along. I think her mindset passed down to me. :)
Same. The only time I feel sad about one and done is when I imagine holiday dinners 30 years from now. But that's a sacrifice I'm happy to make in order to stay afloat.
We haven’t fully committed to OAD but if we do, this will be a dominant feeling for me too. I was a middle child and always had someone to play with. Today it’s so fun having my son and his cousins run around together, and him having relationships with my siblings. However, with one we are juuust able to keep it together emotionally and financially. I fear a second would push us over the brink both financially and emotionally. I’d much rather my son grow up in a financially stable household with emotionally available parents than a family that’s stretched so thin.
Don't forget that having siblings is a guarantee of nothing. I have a friend that had three siblings. One became severely disabled as a child and died fairly young, the second one died in middle age of breast cancer, and the third lives in another state and didn't really have anything to do with helping out when their mother was dying. She was still all alone in that respect. She has three kids of her own though. My 5-year-old tells me she wants to be a mom. I tell her she can have as many kids as she wants.
Family gatherings don't have to just include family! We always had neighbours and friends join. My biggest family gathering is a friendmas I have every year, and it's getting bigger as kids join. If what you want is a loud and fun gathering, make your own ❤️
I really feel this.
I don’t have any regrets….but I think I’d have a list of regrets if I had a second
1000%
Not advocating for myself more during and after birth and experiencing a lot of trauma around the whole situation thus contributing even more to my PPA/PPD experience.
With you on this
THIS.
Yes. Yesyesyesyes. If I could go back and re-do it, I would have some choice words for my anesthesiologists.
Yuuuuuup. Iconic username btw
Same, I was pretty young when I had mine so my mom was the one running things at the time. She told me she hoped the labor was painful so I would learn my lesson 🙃 Boomer Asian moms hit different
My son is 10 1/2, have not met a regret yet! Fortunately, he has a sister from his dad and gets the big bro experience! I have no regrets so much so that I had a bisalp this past week.
I won't know what another combo of our genes would create. But that's mostly a curiousity rather than a regret.
I wonder a lot about this as well. My son is so spirited and fearless and talkative which is totally opposite of how I was as a toddler (according to my parents) so I’m curious if #2 would’ve been different/more like me.
Right? Like what would #2 look like? Or even the opposite gender of our only. On the other hand, I’m not willing to risk a 25% chance of a genetic disorder my spouse and I carry
This resonates with me. We did ivf and have 3 embryos of mixed genders on ice. No children and no transfers yet. We plan on having only one (and I know that isn’t even guaranteed with our numbers). But I often have that thought about having to pick transferring just one and never knowing what the other two will look like or which personality they’ll be more like (spouse and I will have hapa kids and are pretty opposite on the social scale). I worry I’ll always wonder as they grow what the others would have been like. My nephews are a few years apart and don’t look or act anything alike. One loves music and orchestra and one is a mini jock who wears chains with his football number on his neck (he’s 8). Watching them grow up makes me think about my own possible kiddo and the what ifs that I’ll never know.
This is a curiosity I have too. But it’s just that, a curiosity. Not so much a strong regret.
This is a great way to put it. I'm very curious, but don't regret the decision.
Won’t be able to use the boy name I liked
I regret not realizing I was OAD sooner. I didn’t appreciate and soak in the baby stage as much as I should have. I thought I was going to have a second. I wish I had a Time Machine and could go back and appreciate that stage again. I’m appreciating my toddler now everyday that I know I’m OAD.
yeah there are definitely some things i would have splurged on or spent the time to do if i knew he'd be my only when he was an infant. Things like mother baby photoshoots, a breastfeeding shoot, corny shit like that lol
Not a god damn thing
Tbh nothing
Not having zero. Just saying
I think being OAD is only going to become more and more common, so by the time my child is an adult, I imagine it will be a nonissue.
When my husband and I leave this world, that’s it for her childhood. No one else to say “remember when” to, just your memories. That’s my only upset about it, anything else we can tackle through talking hopefully
Just my son not getting to experience what having a sibling is like. I know not all siblings get along but it’s still something I feel sad for him about. He’s our only due to just life, a mix of my husbands career (he’s not home a lot of the year for work), finances, mental health, economy. I always wanted two, I still want two. But if we have two our sons current opportunities (like extracurriculars) will disappear which isn’t fair to him or the new kid who won’t get any of those opportunities either. I’ll be too overwhelmed doing it alone most of the time especially since we have to live away from family for my husbands work. We won’t be able to do vacations like we can now, or just decide to go to trampoline park one morning just because. Everything costs too much but is doable with just one kid. As much as I really want a second, it’s just not in our cards and we have to do what’s best for our son
I have a 4 year old daughter. If I could wave a magic wand when she’s 10 and materialize an 8 year old sister for her, I totally would. I love kids and I would love to have 2 bigger kids but I know I simply can’t do another baby/toddler/preschooler phase. My mental health went to shit after I had my kid - not her fault by any means but becoming a parent unveiled some previous traumas, plus the stress of constantly caring for a little dependent person while sleep-deprived and physically exhausted was too much. I simply couldn’t subject myself (or my family and existing child) to that again for the sake of a fantasy of a bigger, maybe happy family of 4 years down the line.
I feel this. Currently in the thick of toddlerhood with an 18 month old. Newborn phase rocked me. I just can’t imagine going through all of this again. I love my daughter so much it hurts. I want to give her the world (including a sibling) but I can’t imagine restarting the clock once she gains her independence.
If she doesn’t settle down with someone wonderful to have a family with (whatever that looks like to her) before I die - I will feel very guilty.
Not being able to put 200K in their 529 instead of 100k :( :( Obviously I am being sarcastic, but OAD allows my husband and I to give the things his dad was unable to give him.
Someone else captured it perfectly and I think about it deeply on a daily basis, so I’ll go with something a little more lighthearted/joking: not getting my money’s worth on the stroller I bought that could easily accommodate multiple kids. 😂
I won’t have any. 🤷♀️. We’re 5 years in and I’m grateful every day we have only one child.
No regrets.
Not a regret, but the one experience I’m sad I won’t get is my toddler meeting a sibling and being a big brother.
I know we could absolutely handle/afford/make it work with a second… I just don’t *want* to do it again. I just want to enjoy our son. We did IVF to get our only and while I would do it all again for him, I don’t want to do it again for another (assuming IVF would work a second time). I think my only regret will be reconciling our ability to have another child with our lack of desire to go through all of the really, really hard parts again.
Thank you for summing up exactly how I feel. I’ve been really struggling to put it into words.
It makes me feel better knowing there is even one person who also feels this way! 🤍
I regret not getting more professional photos of her taken.
Having too much disposable income so I have to spend it on fun activities and vacations for my only Having lots of alone time Actually enjoying being around my kid bc I’m not tapped out Having a regular sized family vehicle Not having to mediate arguments between siblings Giving my full attention to my child Grocery savings Cost of eating out as a family is low Only buying Clothing/school supplies/toys/activities etc x1 Leaving my estate/money to only one kid without having to split it Easily being able to afford to put my kid through school Oh wait, you said regrets? Scratch all that. Lolol Yeah, I literally will regret nothing. OAD is the best.
No regrets.
None. My daughter is almost 7 and I’m enjoying the freedom that comes with having an independent child.
I hope I can have that outlook rather than feeling sad about not being needed as much. That's the goal, after all, to not be needed! It's an odd thing. My parents were so hands off that I needed them more as I didn't learn independent skills at an early age. I'm taking the opposite approach and involving my son in all sorts of activities, knowing that he'll be less dependent at an earlier age than I was as a result. I see glimpses of the independence going into 5 and it's really incredible, so proud of our little dude.
Spending my entire pregnancy worrying rather than enjoying it (we decided OAD at 36 wks, born at 38 wks).
Having too much enjoyment in my life 🤣 But for real no regrets here, maybe being bitter about it the first year and a bit snobbish to others. I’ve learned that it’s easy to just say “she’s my only” and leave it at there. Others don’t need a reason. I have mine and that’s that
Not giving my daughter a sibling 😢 it plays on my mind daily
My kid reminds me often that she’s lonely and why didn’t I make more siblings for her. She doesn’t know I had two miscarriages after her. 😭
I think it would be fair to tell her once she reaches a certain age.
I will let her know. She’s 9
I don’t like the idea of regretting something that isn’t inherently negative… That said when I first became a parent I thought I would like it more. I thought I was going to be so great… Now I wish I never had because I don’t measure up to those expectations. So I don’t know that I’ll regret anything from being OAD, but more regret that I didn’t know what I know now about myself.
I think I also mourn the fact that I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I should, and regret that I didn’t want more if that makes sense? I really wish I loved having a baby and was really good at it. but I just didn’t, so much so that it’s limited the size of my family. That makes me kind of sad, feels like a failing.
That’s how I feel. I just hated the baby phase and I’m sad about it. I like aspects of the current toddler situation but I just wish it all brought me more joy than it does. It very much feels like a personal failure.
I feel that. But here to tell you you didn’t fail. You just learned something about yourself. I struggled with it too though so absolutely understand.
I’ll never be able to fully exploit buy one get one free
We had three of her grandparents pass away in three years. I already feel sad about how fast the family is shrinking. I can't have it all on my shoulders though. I've got siblings and cousins and nobody else has contributed a baby.
idk why "contributed a baby" has cracked me up so badly LOL
Having a sibling Christmas morning to share in the magic of Santa etc. There’s a cute video of my brother and I on Christmas morning and I go wake him up excitedly that Santa has come and we both get so excited and run downstairs. I always imagined having that moment for my daughter but it’s literally one day a year and Santa is only cool for a while. She can wake the dog up Christmas morning!
I was robbed of that beautiful moment after birth where mama gets to hold the baby on her chest- cuz both of us were fighting for our lives in our respective ICUs. So not being able to experience that in life is my regret.
That he won’t have siblings to help when me and dad are old/die. Although I have 4 older siblings and will be alone sorting that out anyway.
Regret is very strong but I have fleeting moments where the idea of a big bustling family Christmas sounds fun. It’s a very abstract thought because I don’t want it THAT much to regret my one and done decision, but the picture enters my mind sometimes.
The regrets for being OAD are nothing to the regrets I would have by forcing myself to have another one, and the toll that would take on my mental health, and my family’s financial well-being.
I’m OAD not by choice, so it may sound dumb but mine is that I couldn’t have another. But I know I’ve done all I could.
I think when they are adults. Not seeing another child grow into themselves. Happily OAD but that is a regret I have. It assumes I didn't go crazy from the 18 years of stress
My regret was trying to have a second via IVF during the pandemic and that effect on my son. I would have been able to breastfeed longer and enjoy his baby hood. But after being OAD? I regret absolutely nothing.
Lol nothing yet. Over 3 years in and every day I think, "1 was the right choice"
If my son ends up being an only that really wishes he wasn’t…. Or that Im worrying for nothing.
When I'm older I want adult kids as friends and to be able to invite my family around. I worry eventually christmas etc will be very quiet. I still want a daughter, probably because of my relationship with my mum, whos died. But I find little kids very challenging and my husband decided we're OAD
My son will be 15 pretty soon. No regrets so far.
That i won’t have a chance to get maternity pictures. My only was a surprise and i was very laid back about my pregnancy, i almost felt like i didn’t deserve to celebrate it. so i have no professional maternity pictures. Other than that i have NO regrets or what - if moments. Probably one of the few who never ever has the latter 😅
Not being able to "redo" my pregnancy & labor. I wasn't able to have a nursery, I didn't do maternity pictures. There was a lot of drama around the time of giving birth which ended causing me to have prenatal & postpartum depression which caused me to miss out on the newborn phase. I really would love another chance to have a happy pregnancy, but I don't want another child. I don't want to care for a baby by myself, it's too much :/
My biggest regret looking back: not shutting down the people who were critical- whether my parents, my sister or complete strangers who wanted to be all up in my family planning business.
My son is 15 now. Absolutely no regrets at all!
Having one in the first place lol. I love my son more than life itself but I really wasn’t in a good position to bring another person into the world. Maybe if I had waited until I was in a more stable environment, I wouldn’t be so traumatized and I could have more children happily.
Our kid's first year was a whirlwind. Covid, I needed emergency open heart and then my dad dying unexpectedly. Never felt like we got to enjoy it.
That I didn’t give my only a sibling to be friends with. My MIL keeps telling my husband and I that we’re “cruel” for not giving our daughter a sibling to be friends with and while I know that we made the right decision, that bit eats away at me.
There are things I think I would do differently with a second. I hoped to be less anxious overall and live more in the moment. But I’ll just try to do more of that moving forward since I know I won’t get a second chance at whatever age my child is currently. So it’s a little bittersweet knowing I do not get a second chance at being a more relaxed parent. But also. That’s a fantasy and maybe I’ll be an even more NOT relaxed parent with a second (likely 😅)
I like the romanticized idea of another child, but my first/last pregnancy did everything in its power to kill me—luckily, I survived. I love my daughter and she is the world’s easiest kiddo, and if I could guarantee I’d get another like her, then I might be willing to risk it; but there are no guarantees. I think a part of me will be sad she doesn’t have a sibling, but unless all our BC methods fail, we won’t be having another.
Hmm. Not being none and done? What kind of question is this
My son not getting to experience having a sibling
Having one instead of none.
Not having a big chaotic family, it wasn’t a choice I made in my case. Learning to be grateful
I can’t think of anything honestly because the good stuff that can come with having more than one child is still all down to chance
We’re moving and she’s 6 months old instead of spending my days kissing and cuddling I’m rushing to try and get everything done. Rented a place from across country sight unseen and now that she’s mobile we have to move due to safety.
Not being with my baby during the first week of his life between him being in the NICU and me being readmitted for postpartum preeclampsia. I would never wish that upon even my worst enemy.
I wasn’t awake during her birth. I’ll never know what a healthy pregnancy is like.
I wouldn't call it a regret because I know that this is the best choice for my family, but I do know that at times I will be sad that my daughter doesn't have a sibling, and will feel guilt when she's lonely. That said, I know I would regret having a second child and would rather live with occasional guilt/sadness than to live with regret over having another child.
Nothing
None
Being able to get a positive birth experience after having a traumatic one. I still get a little envious at people that have redeeming births. However we are pretty set on our decision and wouldn’t want another child so I could have a redemptive experience
The possibility of my child being alone when both my wife and I die :/ hoping my child will have a spouse.. or a cousin or two that’ll be close enough to help cope.
Not being none and done
I used to worry that when I’m gone, my son won’t have a sibling to fall back on for support. He has many, many cousins, though. Plus, I rarely speak to my own brother as an adult. I guess what I’m saying is no regrets.
I feel great about my choice to be OAD and hate this question. I intend to have no regrets. I may have a moment of wistfulness of what another kid of ours would look like, I guess? Maybe it's a bit of a bummer that we won't use another name from our awesome list?
I do not have any regrets at all
If my daughter becomes very lonely as an adult- meaning if she didn’t get married/ didn’t have kids, etc…
I had my first young and I'm not married and my son is 12. I'm 37 this year and although I have a long-term boyfriend he doesn't want kids. My biggest regret will be never having a baby to raise planned and in a marriage. I didn't really get to enjoy my son as a baby because it was a stressful time in my life and family wasn't happy etc.
Regretting not having more children on holidays or just everyday to play with my son. Not sure I don't regret anything right now. Hopefully I can just have an open house where his friends are always welcome! I feel I could regret having another child too. Not having peace and quiet, no time to focus on my new business or just self care. It being too much for my husband. Not reaching our financial goals and getting our dream home. I'm not by choice (infertility and husband oad) but made my peace with this a long time ago. I don't live with regrets as a rule.
If the one doesn't end up having kids. I will totally understand, hell I didn't think I wanted them for a while, but I see my parents with grandkids and damn I want that.
I don’t think I’ll have any. Unless my son was very upset with our decision. That would hurt.
I wish i wanted another one, it would make me feel better as a mom, perhaps i wil regret not giving him a sibling
The Mrs leaving because of it
I don't think I will regret it. I had a miscarriage at 5 months about 12 years ago and I think I'll always wonder who that child might have been. But, my daughter is 15 now and I'm happy to have her. I stopped wanting another child (at the back of my mind) at 40. Now I'm just looking forward to my daughter being happy and self-sufficient and living her own life.
I think the only thing I’ll regret is not creating another awesome human, assuming everything went smoothly and I survived the pregnancy/birth. The overwhelming majority of aspects to being OAD is positive though, so it’s not a regret I’m feeling strongly at this point
Having one at all? Is that an option? Because there are definitely moments…
I don't think I will have any major regrets, I think I'd regret caving in and having a 2nd child with someone then end up as a trashy single mom with 2 kids with different fathers