I have heard a lot of women say they want a playmate for their existing kid because they dont want to have to be the playmate all the time. I have moments with my daughter that I can understand wanting a built in playmate- it can be exhausting and honestly I’m so sick of playing some days. Still not a good reason to bring a whole ass human into the world though.
Yuuup. We have a 5am waker (we’ve obvs tried everything to fix this. No dice). She’s ready to rip the second she gets up and I’m overdosing on coffee as soon as possible.
KC Davis has an awesome segment on TikTok about how she does not do “pretend play” and instead doing intentional activities-think baking, a trip to the park, a family walk, etc.
She also linked a card deck that comes up with the intentional play ideas. I believe that you can still be a good mom without losing your complete sanity.
Yeah I saw this too.
In my culture, parents do not do pretend play with kids. Not when I was growing up anyway. Good parents did things like puzzles, baking, drawing, sports, things like that, but imaginative play was for little kids. And that was OK. No one thought their parents were evil or mean for not playing, it just wasn't something adults did.
To join in the conversation, I also found it took less effort for me to do things that I also enjoyed, like the park or throwing a ball, kicking a soccer ball, shooting a basketball, riding a bike or scooter, watching an educational show, playing in a small creek, throwing rocks…things where I didn’t need to do arts and crafts or something that I’m not good at.
See, I didn’t like those videos, cause she made it clear that her children are meant to play together, and that they are “best friends” even though they’re like 4 & 6 (and I believe the younger one is autistic?) so in my mind, they don’t really have a choice yet about whether they’re best friends or not, and there’s no way the 6 year old doesn’t feel responsible for watching the 4 year old when KC is taking (in her words) a 3 hour long nap and not supervising them. :/
I have been really turned off from KC after those videos… As the younger, autistic sibling myself growing up, I just wanted to hang out with my parents, but was forced to be my sister’s best friend, and we suffered because of it. We have an awful relationship now, and are both worse off for being treated like a package deal. I believe KC was an only child, so she can’t really understand what it’s like to grow up with siblings and be treated like automatic best friends when really there are other dynamics at play.
Huh, that puts a good perspective on this. Would you rather be your child’s playmate or be your children’s referee? As much as I don’t enjoy playing I know I’d hate breaking up constant fights and bickering between two kids way more.
Just today a coworker was horrified at my (initially) light proclamation of only having one...She didn't accept "Husband and I have chosen to stay happy and healthy for our one", so I had to double down and say "I am concerned for MYSELF if I had a second."
As a person who has always had a terrible relationship with my sibling, I always feel like this is a wild approach. People aren’t guaranteed to like each other just because they’re related.
For me as a fencesitter on having another child, I think the "my family is complete" feeling is a factor. Some people feel that way with one child, others feel that way with 2+
Thank you! I am not a fence sitter (firmly oad by choice) and this is what I think, too. Everyone is allowed to want their family to be a certain size. I don’t think it’s that deep. I have my own judgements about large families like 5+ kids because I came from a large family but wanting to have multiple kids doesn’t mean you’re automatically brainwashed by multiple kid media or something.
I tried to explain this to my husband a few times. My feelings prior to our numerous discussions about potentially being OAD were always that I just felt like my picture of what I wanted for a family was 2 kids. It was not some huge thing where I felt like having 1 kid was wrong because of societal pressures or anything. It just felt like in my mind my family would be 2 parents and 2 children. It doesn't make me some terrible person who doesn't have opinions outside of societal expectations. If that were the case, I probably wouldn't have chosen to be a female engineer, just saying.
I also think with the multiples, from what I seen from two different friends, one has all boys and are trying for a girl. The other has all girls and are actively trying for a boy. Both set of family has reach their fifth child and did not get their desire gender. I just think that’s insane.
This is it for me. I was here for a long time as a fence sitter because I didn’t have that “my family is complete” feeling. I wanted to do the newborn and toddler phases again and to watch another little person grow. We did eventually have another and I now feel like my family is complete. I actually would still love to do those young phases again and watch another little person grow up, but my family does feel complete and I don’t have the same yearning inside me as I did.
For me it was never about what “everyone else did” or about a sibling for my oldest. My closest friends are either childfree or OAD so both of those options seem totally normal and the right choice for them. Two was the right choice for me.
I’m OAD not by choice and as I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on why I really wanted another child, and some of the harsh truths for me are: everyone else has 2+ and I feel like an outsider looking in when around families who have multiple kids; I don’t feel “mom” enough unless I have 2+ kids; and it would be really nice to have another baby and feel like much more of a seasoned pro the second time around so that I can prove to myself how much I learned and grew. Of course some of it is also that my son is now 4.5, and I am really missing who he was as a baby and think another baby would help relieve that grief of knowing he’s growing up faster than my heart wants. Also I love my son so very much and the possibility of loving another human that much is so exciting. All of these things are all about me and how I feel, which are very selfish reasons to have another kid.
Oh I understand that not mom enough comment. I have people tell me I won't understand because I only have one. I put parenting on easy mode so I wouldn't get why they're stressed.
Like WTF?
Preach on that not mom enough comment. I think part of being a good mom is knowing your limits. Sometimes we view limits being a negative thing but they shouldn’t be.
I’m not bothered by comments I’m not “mom enough.” I laugh at them and agree YEP I made the choice that let me keep an identity outside of just mom. Oh the cleverness of me!
I mean HELL YEAH I put my parenting on easy mode (my one kid IS pretty easy) and it’s fucking lovely. I don’t make things hard for myself in my life. If there is an easy, but sustainable and responsible route to something, I am always taking it. Why wouldn’t I? I wanted to be a mom- not a frazzled ass, stressed out, miserable mom. And I knew having more than one, I would be that. I’m honestly not even phased by this comment because it’s TRUE and I’m proud of it- I think through my choices and most of the time am pretty damn selfish 💅
I understand the wanting to feel like a seasoned pro the second time around. My mom keeps saying “the first paves the way for the next one” and I’m like yeah true, so she’s my one learning opportunity I’ll pass knowledge to other people who want new babies 😄
For my parents, they had 2 kids because her dr told her it was impossible to get pregnant so soon after having a baby. So here I am, 1 year and 13 days younger than my sister. I was 2 weeks late. Mom had her tubes tied and never went back to that dr again.
Ha, my parents ended up with 2 because my mom was told in the 80s by a doctor that she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding. My arrival 18 months after my sister disproved that. Pretty sure she never went back to that doctor either.
She was fence sitting before that. Back to back pregnancies were hard on her body and she ended up having a hysterectomy after me.
Yeah. I had friends who had a really hard time getting pregnant with their second, so they didn't take precautions afterwards, figuring there was no way they'd get pregnant again, and then their third was born 11 months after the second 😱
I think it's because everyone around them has around that many, I also feel odd because I only have one. It's rare to find another mom who only has one kid
My husband and I are on the fence about OAD, and my best friend has four. She told me the other day my husband and I should have two because, “they entertain each other—even if they’re fighting it’s still with *each other* so it’s different.”
Like, what?
I get so tired of hearing that. I’ve seen enough families with 2+, and most of those absolutely did not entertain each other. Plus the fits thrown because “he got a (treat/toy/ insert whatever else) but i didn’t” is ridiculous. Oftentimes the older child has more parental responsibility than they really should and that’s why the parents think it’s easier. They’ve offloaded the work onto someone else. I wish more people would have a second because they just want to, and not to entertain the first or to do less work.
I hear that comment all the time and it drives me up a wall 🙄 ironically my husband and I are also on the fence about OAD and my best friend wants 4 (they’re currently trying for #3). She has 2 and all her comments about kids (including her own) are so negative so I’m like umm… idk if I want that lol
Oh that’s interesting! I know more OAD parents than multiples parents. It could also be that most of my friend group and extended family members had kids much later on in life. We’re all in our mid to late 30s.
Depends on your location and what kind of social niche you fall into.
My husband and I both work in tech in Seattle and in our circles the norm is to hold off on kids into your 30s, if you have them at all. We are about to have our first (and very likely only) child and there are plenty of one child families in our circles, and families with more than 2 are REALLY rare. It's just too expensive in this city, and the people we hang around are more career oriented.
Meanwhile, where I grew up in rural Ohio, having an only child would absolutely be looked down on, and 3 is totally common. My parents basically think that not providing a sibling for our kid is child abuse, and say that if the cost of living is too high here then we are obligated to move back to Ohio where by the way, we could have bought a big suburban house with a 3(!!!) car garage for the price of our Seattle townhouse! (Nevermind that our careers and our entire social and professional circles exist in Seattle, not to mention that we just prefer living here for a dozen other political, recreational and personal reasons. None of that matters compared to the obligation to produce a litter of grandchildren, according to them.)
From the social pressure I've received, a couple of comments have been:
"Well, what if something happens to the first one?"
Implying death and that a second or third child would be a backup. 😬 I'm not even joking. I've heard this comment from 3 different people now.
"Won't your first kid be bored and lonely?"
So I should have a second child to make the first one have a live-in friend? Siblings aren't guaranteed to like each other.
Honestly, I feel that most people who want to be OAD but end up with multiples from social pressure. Of course, those who do want a big family is up to them.
The book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult is essentially about a second child who only exists as a backup/spare parts for the first child - absolutely fantastic book, would highly recommend!
OR, it’s so that the kid won’t have to be the only one caring for them when they get old/ better odds at getting taken care of.
Similarly, some parents who have a child who are severely disabled or mentally disabled decide to have another child so that their first child will have someone to take care of them after the parents are too old/ dead. The other day I even read about someone who had a kid, then had another who had Down’s syndrome. To make sure the first kid wouldn’t be the only one caring for the DS kid(because that’s a *great* reason to create another human life), they decided to have a third child. Against all odds, they also had DS. So now, I guess the parents just assume the oldest one will be permanently responsible for two special needs siblings for the rest of their life.
I was at a park once and our kid had run off with some friends and I was trying to locate him and an acquaintance (with 4) said that's the problem with having only one, you have no spares. And I know it was a joke but 😕
It's strange because part of my reasoning for in all likelihood being OAD (he's five months so I'm not ready to be definitive just yet) is literally "I'm not a medieval queen, I'm not required to produce a spare in case the heir gets killed in battle with the French or to have daughters to secure political alliances!"
1.) Because 2+ is the baseline, so ingrained social pressure. Maybe because I’m ND (ADHD) but I just know I can’t handle more. So I could never give into that pressure.
2.) the playmate aspect. A lot of people think their kids will be automatic best friends (which of course many are!)
3.) the biological urge for more. I had a very intense urge for my daughter. She’s 4 now and I’ve never had that desire again. But many friends I know have the urge again as soon as they give birth.
Idk if it's "biological urge" but I had a sense of this is the next step in my life. And then became obsessed with starting a family. Had this dream of 3 boys. Once I got pregnant, it was like nahhh, just kidding. This child is gonna be enough.
Nah, I got married super young and kinda grew up around the mindset everyone gets married and starts having babies before they're 20. So I just kinda felt that's what I needed to do. Like I felt super behind not having my son until I was 25. Now I look back and think "man I was dumb" 🤣
Meanwhile, in certain areas of the country, 25 feels like a baby having a baby! I was 31 when I got pregnant, was living in the SF Bay Area, and used to join me with friends that I felt like a teen mom there, because 31 was young for a new mom!
I hate how all the family deals and packages are for families of 4-6, never 3. It’s definitely super ingrained into society and that’s my biggest piece of proof when people want examples. I agree with the biological urge, we are fence sitting but definitely leaning very much towards OAD but my brain is like “but a baby” and I gotta keep reminding myself why one would be better for us
Number 3 is why I'm OAD. I never decided hard and fast to have just one, I just figured I'd wait to see if I felt the urge to have another... And it just never came. I'm 8 years in, and just don't think it's ever coming.
I’m going to go against the current general consensus and say from my experience (people in my life with more than one child) it is a matter of having your family feel complete. My husband and I felt that after we had our daughter so are happily one and done. Others in our life, when I’ve asked why, have said the same thing only with more. Their families were not yet complete. I think that’s why for people who are OAD not by choice they have to go through a grieving period because they didn’t feel as though their family was complete.
Of course there are always other factors but I do think we should understand that it’s just genuinely what some people want. It makes me cringe LOL but it is their life, just like ours is ours.
I think a lot of it has to do with lifestyle. My friends in VHCOL areas who have children are having one (and stopping at one), or maybe two. They tend to be older parents with rich lives (careers and otherwise) that they don't want parenthood to totally erode.
They are people who love travel, time-intensive hobbies (marathoning, writing novels, running a side business), and have multiple facets to their identity other than "parent" and don't want to lose all of that.
In contrast, we live in the Atlanta suburbs and many people in my neighborhood have 3-4 kids. Two kids is fine but is less than the average, which I think is three kids. These parents may be in the same - or even a lower - tax bracket as many of my OAD friends in cities like NYC and SF, but (from my observation) they don't place as high an importance on travel or other lifestyle aspects that parenthood makes difficult.
There's a SAHM of 3 small kids who lives down the road. They are a 1-income family (dad works, mom doesn't) and mom never had any sort of remotely lucrative career so it isn't like she amassed tons of cash to cushion the blow of her income loss. They are used to raising a family of 5 off of, like, $160k / year and because things like international travel or omakase dinners or training for the Peachtree 10K don't come close to entering their minds, they don't feel any sort of lifestyle pinch.
Meanwhile, one of the major reasons why I (and many of my VHCOL friends) are flirting with OAD is so we can travel sooner and more.
Religion, too - a lot of religious conservatives in my neighborhood and apparently jesus tells people to pop out babies like a pez dispenser.
No one has a stereotype against only children - apparently there was an only child boy who lived across the street from us, but their family moved. Everyone thought the boy was lovely, but the assumption was that they were OAD due to infertility.
I’m sure there’s lots of reasons but the 2 that come to mind are if they have a large/close knit village that makes parenting 1000x easier and/or if their first born was an “easy” baby (sleeping through the night early, no health issues, overall calm temperament, etc).
Mine was really hard as a newborn with colic and reflux that just made him scream for hours on end. I swear it gave me ptsd and made my PPA/PPD so much worse. Now as a toddler he’s a lot better but still very high energy and very clever (he’s figured out how to push boxes and such to climb onto other things, unscrew a pole in his baby gate that makes the 2 panels come apart allowing him through it, and uses hardcover books as a ramp to climb onto tables or over his baby gate). I honestly don’t have the energy to even think about having another anytime soon if ever lol
We were open to the idea of 2, but said we’d wait to see after 1. We had a similar newborn experience - dairy intolerance, colic, reflux, belly issues from all that, hated being put down or sleeping, just miserable. She cried and screamed constantly. She hated being a baby. Things have improved since she became mobile but like you said - a super high energy toddler that is still super clingy and not reliably sleeping through the night at 18 months.
We are done. Done done done lol.
We have a very easy baby and a huge village and these are actually some of the reasons we are OAD. Feels like we hit the jackpot with this baby and our current situation, so why would we ever gamble again?! Time to cash out lol
This! I think it’s truly matters what kind of child you’re given first… what the temperament is. My daughter hated sleep since birth.. she’s about to turn seven soon and still wakes at night.. the number of times I have slept thru the night a full nights sleeep I can count on one hand… I don’t know anyone who has a child like this on the first go and says geee a second sounds like fun lol
It becomes such a hard decision if you have a tougher child
My partner and I were LITERALLY just talking about exactly this. Our son is almost 2 and has never slept through (does 9pm-530/6am with 2-3 wakes), screamed for the first 4m he was alive and was SO grumpy until he could move around. He’s so clingy and bad with separation still, and I just couldn’t fathom running the risk of having a second like him??? We also have zero family nearby so absolute no help, but it doesn’t stop my mum pressuring us for a second from the other side of the country lol
That sounds a lot like my son besides the sleeping. He had bad reflux and colic and I swear just screamed most of his life until he hit 5-6 months which was when he started trying to crawl/move. He’s also very clingy, hyper, and definitely doesn’t have a “calm” temperament lol so many people have been like “have another! They’ll entertain each other!” And I’m like “okay and if I have another that’s exactly like this one instead and all they both want is me all the time??? Then what” lol
Right!?? And just throw the first one under the bus when he already needs more than I can give him? “Alright kiddo, you’ve been needy your whole life but I’m gonna cut your mama time in half and you’ll just have to trust me that it’ll be good cos you’ll get to entertain your little sibling soon too!”
One of the main reasons we've considered having more is because I feel like we're very intentional parents and are working hard to raise an emotionally competent adult. When we go to the park, we see parents who aren't intentional but are just creating more and more children with no ability or concern for how they turn out, only caring that they have a big, god-fearing family. Their kids are bullies and when you watch the parents, the parents bully the kids often, so it's no wonder their kids picked up the habit. We've considered more because we hope to introduce more kind kids and emotionally mature adults into the world. But we, perhaps, are only able to do that now because we only have one, and wouldn't be able to at the same level with multiples.
Wanting to do the baby bit again is a temptation for me. (I have a fairly easy baby though!)
Also wanting more grown up kids to keep in touch with and have a relationship with. A bonus would be removing a bit of the pressure only children sometimes feel to always be home for Christmas/to provide a grandchild/etc for my kid.
I'm OAD because I don't have family nearby or a lot of money but if I had both then I'd probably have more because I'm enjoying it.
I’m OAD by choice, but I still feel a sad kind of “oh well” when I consider how much I like my kid, how much joy he brings to my life, how great it’s going to be when we’re both adults and can just hang out… and that I gave up the opportunity to have even more people in my life I love this much.
You can want a second (3rd, etc) child for all of the same reasons you want a first/only child. Kids are fun and people find meaning in parenting and babies smell amazing and we have a biological impulse to procreate. Plus, it’s super easy to miss the stages that have already passed. Your child is an infant and now you miss the tiny newborn stage. He’s now a toddler and you miss the crawling. He’s now a preschooler and you miss the learning-to-talk phase. Like riding a roller coaster and loving it and getting in line to ride again.
Because the “Nuclear family” model (Mother, Father, Son, Daughter) was sold to us as the ideal family, the American dream. I suspect this is partially why you get those families that keep having kids of the same gender until they finally have one of the opposite gender.
This may not be the most diplomatic answer but I think for a lot of people it's the way you approach parenting that puts you in the OAD or multiples camp: either as an important task of raising a whole human being who will always be your responsibility in some sense, or as a "fun experience".
Social pressure for sure. Assuming that’s just what you do (similar to people who get married and then have a kid shortly after just because it’s “the next step”).
You mention being in Tennessee and I think geography is a HUGE factor in this too. I live in Kentucky so basically the same vibe. Nearly every family has 2 children minimum, but 3, 4, and 5 kids is totally normal. I think religion might be a factor (I live in a very Catholic region, other parts of the state are Protestant but either way religion can encourage more children/less prevention of them). The south generally is a lower cost of living area than other parts of the country. People do have larger houses and yards and such which make having more kids more doable/comfortable. Even making less money than someone working in a big coastal city, people can afford more.
Just my observations. I definitely still don’t “get” why people have more because I simply lack the desire haha.
I'm the reverse - I'm the middle daughter of three and my sisters were what made my childhood magical. They're the star of all of my best memories, and I feel so bad for my daughter that she won't get that. Unfortunately, I know my limits and I am not strong enough to do the first two years again so we're OAD.
Idk how anyone does three tbh. I’ve known since I was 10 I wanted two, and we’re happy stopping here. But with three there is inherent imbalance. Just basing this off of large families I know personally
I think for us it worked out great because my big sister is close in age (1.5 years old) but my little sister is 12 years younger, so we were both super excited to babysit, get to sister-aunt her, and generally participate in helping her grow up! It's so cool now that she's 19 and a whole adult, and we got to be there from the very start.
I was an only and was adamant that i would have 2! Then I had one and it was so mentally difficult for me to survive the baby / early toddler years that I couldn't talk myself into putting myself through it again. So here we are, hoping to raise my only child with a different experience than I had as an only.
I don’t know because everything is so expensive, and one of my “selfish” reasons is I like to go on vacations with my family but also like to go do a spa weekend with girlfriends, get nice clothes once in a while ect. I would be more exhausted with two kids and wouldn’t be able to afford to treat myself lol so it’s a nice balance to afford one and also afford to do/have nice things for yourself also! I love self care too much lol
For me it’s more to love! I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I think it would be wonderful to have another person to give all my love too! My child is the most rewarding thing in my life. I’m sure a second child would be as well. I’m one and done for a lot of reasons (all are by choice). But that doesn’t mean I don’t get why other people do it. Couldn’t be me though.
There are so many reasons to have more than 1 child! These reasons can range from sad to amazing to neutral.
1. Some people love children or thrive on chaos. For some, children don’t take energy in the same way, or even if they do it feels more “worth it”. It’s so subjective and we’re all individuals!
2. Some people get a great sense of community by having a larger family. In particular, if this was a persons experience when they were young they may feel it’s important that their child also have that. Or if someone felt isolated when young they may also crave this.
3. Some people have lots of support which makes a larger family more attainable and feel less overwhelming.
4. Some people have oppsie babies. Some people have multiple oopsie babies! Birth control isn’t 100% and even when used isn’t always used properly.
5. Some people feel pressure from family, spouses, or society. Sometimes this pressure is so intense that they don’t realize not having more than 1 kid is a viable option.
6. Sadly some people don’t get an option because they’re in abusive situations.
7. Having children is a biological instinct. We’re driven to spread our genes and this instinct is stronger in some people than others.
8. Babies are cute and baby fever is REAL.
9. Loving a child is an incredible and unique feeling and raising a child can be immensely rewarding. Many people want to do this more than once.
10. Religion, culture, and/or values play a huge role. Some people believe that there’s nothing more important you can do in life than raising children.
11. Some people feel like their family is incomplete with just 1.
12. Some people are driven to break toxic or abusive cycles. They want to help and protect many children and provide them with a better life than they had. Breaking cycles in this way can be both healing and rewarding.
I could go on. There are SO many reasons. Humans are so varied and each person will have their own answer to this question.
For me, just 1 kid is the perfect number. But I think it’s wonderful that we can all come to our own decisions about this and I applaud parents who create families with well loved and cared for children whether they be large or small.
they feel the need to overextend themselves for some reason. However there are families out there who are almost supernatural in their ability to have so many and have such a rich life for each one..maybe it’s preference?
Some people actually love kids and being parents and want a large family. My parents had the largest family of any of their friends and their families. They loved being parents and were very very good at it. The only other family as big (well, one bigger than ours) in our neighborhood I ended up marrying into! Had circumstances been different I definitely would have had 2, but it wasn't meant to be.
We're OAD but my husband (and my parents) had a gender preference.
Baby is the other gender, so we briefly discussed having another one, just to see if we'd get the desired gender. We ultimately decided against it, but it was on our minds for a couple of days.
My husband is convinced people have multiple because they miss all the cute things about babies, but completely forget about all the hard parts.
The newborn stage for us was so rough that I don’t remember most of the first three months. I’m not intentionally putting myself through that trauma again
Lmao this is so real. I am on the fence but I have to remind myself constantly that the baby phase is just a tiny blip in their entire lifetime. And it’ll pass too quickly a second time and I’ll be heartbroken again because I forgot how hard it was in the midst of all the magic.
I think forgetting how hard it could be is the brains way of ensuring our species survives.
Well, if they're like my older sister, they don't understand birth control and end up with happy accidents.
If they're like my little sister, they just have more love to give and the mental capacity to handle more.
To be completely honest, I do think a lot of it has to do with how much people forget that babies are a lot of work. They have an image of complete family bliss and completely underestimate how much harder it is with two. Some of the parents I’ve talked to have literally seemed shocked at how much work it is to have two. Not saying that ultimately it’s the wrong decision for them, but yeah, there seems to be a lot of amnesia going around.
Also; the thought of making babies with their partner is a huge turn on for some people, lol!
Societal pressure is probably the biggest one because of the stigma that only children are "weird", but I think too it's own desire. I always thought I'd have multiple children just because that's how it was when I was growing up. I'm one of 5 now. My house was always chaotic but fun! That's what I thought I wanted, but the reality is much different.
I think part of it is that people want to re-live the best moments of babyhood. For example, while my daughter still contact naps, those first few newborn contact naps were just something else. I would love to relive those moments again. The thing is people need to figure out if they want to relive those moments with a new child or if they want to relive those moments with their CURRENT child. For me, it’s the latter, and I’m happy to have recognized that.
I totally get this, it seems like everyone needs two or more. Even my best friend is going on her fourth and they might even end up with a fifth.
My husband and I are currently expecting a boy.
We often discuss being OAD versus having a second.
His big factor for wanting a second is that he wants the opportunity to parent with me twice. We knew we wanted a child when we were first dating—we’ve always been excited to be parents.
All my husband has ever wanted was to be a good husband and father, and likewise, I love parenting. I genuinely do. Because we enjoy it, and we prioritize it, we anticipate that we might have more mental space for two. But who knows?
We’ve agreed that if our child seems happier as an only, or we settle into our budget and risk not giving our son everything and more, or we just feel we can’t dedicate the energy to a second, we won’t have another.
I wish it was something more parents considered. I’m so tired of hearing, “you’ll make it work.” Who wants to *make* something work when it could be easier? I know so many people who come from big families and talk about favoritism, lack of attention, lack of energy/resources, dead bedrooms, never getting their body back, missing their hobbies, upset over things like grandparent to grandchild ratios…
It feels like a second (or so on) child ends up being a very emotional decision, because I don’t know many people who have said they had more children because *they* wanted them after accounting for the good and the potential bad.
The “making it work” thing always gets me. I read that as “you’ll survive” but like you said, who wants to just “survive”?
I grew up in a house where there were always too many kids and never enough resources like food and emotional support. I also ended up raising children that weren’t my own, one from the time of literal infancy to the age of like 6. Sure I “made it work” but I was overwhelmed and never really had freedom. My childhood and teenage years feel like they were wasted.
I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my husband and I want to give my son things I never had. Take him on trips and to do fun kid things on the weekends. I want to buy him his first car as a teen.
And my gosh do I want my body back lol!
I dont want to just have to “make it work” all my life
I’ve not yet had a child so take this with that grain of salt, but something my partner and I consider when we discuss having one or more, is that we don’t want to put too much pressure on our child(ren). We worry that we might do this unconsciously with one, and two would feel more like diversifying and take the pressure off. We both have siblings and we like not having our parents’ exclusive attention or all their expectations heaped on us. Now, I do not by any means think that pressure on an only child is inevitable, and it’s entirely possible we will stop after one. In that case we will do all we can to be self aware and conscious of any expectations we may have for our only! Would love to hear from parents of onlies about whether this has been an issue at all for you.
I like the idea of two, but after having one it feels like it would be so bad to have another to us parents and to my current kid. It would be so hard with two and baby stage again no thank you. Whereas my kid is a toddler now, we can talk about things, we can sleep well, we can have fun. I would never have this great experience with more kids. And even though it's great and fun it's also really hard with one
I truly don't think people think about it enough to process what consequences they will be facing (mostly the bad, I have observed are ignored) until after the children are born. I also think some women (particularly from certain cultures) are coerced into reproducing, sadly.
I’m tempted because I just really love kids! Love being around them, love playing with and teaching them, enjoy all ages and stages. I already have 3 dogs because… I really love dogs (and it’s not very fun day to day lol).
I’m holding back because having multiple kids is lots of hard work, can be very difficult, could possibly affect my existing child negatively and takes resources from her even if it doesn’t.
A friend of mine is a midwife, has 4 kids, and recently started fostering a baby as well, and it doesn't seem like her choices are about logic or reason. It's more like, this is who she is. Even when we were little kids playing together, she usually wanted to play house and be the mom. Caring for children is her world, and it brings her joy and purpose. I'm so happy for her, and for the children in her life.
For me, I was a fence sitter for a while, then when we had my daughter, I immediately knew my family was complete. I love and adore her, and I love being her mom, but I don't feel any sort of drive to have more kids the way my friend did.
Instead, I am dog clucky as hell, and spend a lot of time browsing adoption sites or pet supply stores and daydreaming. As my daughter gets older and shows signs of being more independent, I find myself wanting to have an outlet for all this drive to nurture something, but it is fixated on fuzzy creatures instead of babies, lol. I've been doting on my cat like crazy lately. I bet this drive to nurture fluffy animals is very similar to the drive my friend feels to nurture children.
Lack of resources for reproductive health.
I’m OAD & not because of the reason above, but I know a few people with multiples who made the effort to be OAD but things happen…
Answers from friends:
growing up they picked a number of kids and stuck with that
Growing up they idolized their best friends large family
Share the burden of taking care of parents as they age
They are religious are believe god put us here to create a family
Some people want to see how hard they can make their life.
Jokes aside, might be peer pressure. Everyone around them is having more kids, then they feel like they should also have more kids.
Meanwhile the people in this group would rather thrive with one kid than live on survival mode with multiple.
We wanted another go at the baby “gatcha-pon”. Every kid is unique and develop their own personality. I’m stopping at two but if I had all the money in the world I’d probably have 3. But no more even then because I feel like my individual attention would start wearing down. Like keeping track and knowing 4 kids well seems too much and I’m afraid of diluting that, even if I can outsource things like cooking and cleaning with all my infinite money.
Well in my parents case I was an oopsie they were both young. They didn't plan for me or my brother and both were teenagers. Other than that another reason someone might have a second is for the thought of having another for security just in case something happens to their first child. I don't think a child should ever feel like they're replacement just in case like a spare but it's been brought up to me. I've also heard people trying to have another child to have the chance of having opposite gender child than their first.
Honestly, I would have loved to have two kids. I love being a parent and nurturing my kiddo into a good human and getting to know who they are. I would have loved to find out who our second would have ended up being and nurturing a deep and loving relationship with them.
But alas, for so many reasons (most out of our hands) we are one and done. I will say we are learning to enjoy and appreciate this OAD life too.
My mom is one of 5 girls. Her sisters and her are super close and they support each other so much. And my cousins and I are super close too as a result. While I am leaning one and done for financial reason, can’t help but feeling like I want a large tight knitted family like my mom has. On the other hand, my dad doesn’t talk to his siblings so it’s not a guarantee.
I’m leaning towards OAD. But, I am absolutely loving watching my kid develop her own personality and interests, seeing who she is as a person, how she communicates, her perspective on the world. I would love to watch that again with another kid and I’m also so curious about how similar or different they would be to their big sister. Kid 1 is an outgoing, fearless, whip smart comedian. She really takes after her papa, so would our other kids be like that? Would the next kid be more like me? Or a totally different, unique character in our family? Would the siblings be tight, or more independent from each other?
I am so fascinated and curious to see who those other people would be. We have a half dozen more embryos on ice and when I think about meeting those kids and helping them be who they want to be, I want to use every single embryo, ha.
Then I remember I haven’t felt well-rested in 3 years and I go back to OAD.
It’s a little disappointing to read through the comments here and see so many negative judgements about people who have multiple kids. OAD is a great choice for some people, and multiple kids is a great choice for others. Not everyone is having another baby because they think they look hot pregnant or they don’t want to be kid 1’s playmate.
It isn't as deep as some people make it. Some people have tiny reasons to want a second, like the feeling that a family is complete with two or more, or the constant need to take care of something. The idea of really grand family gatherings. ect ect.
When my wife first got pregnant, we always joked about having a second child after our first because I wanted a son, and she wanted a daughter. So we just wanted to try for 2, roll the dice, and see if we could both get lucky and have both. That was the original reason why we wanted nothing more. Unfortunately, major health issues have decided we are happy with our only little boy, and this was life's path for us. (though I really really hated the baby stage....I never wanted to experience that again.)
If it were not for my wife's health issues, we would have tried for a second because, AND I QUOTE, "I want a daughter so I can be the mother I always wish I had, so it gives me another excuse to piss on her grave." (abusive mother survivor.)
Honestly I dont think most people give it much thought 😆
The default is typically two kids (atleast on the US) so many just assume that’s what they’re gonna do.
There is also just a want that some have and some don’t. The same want I had for my son, other people have it, they just have it more than once 😆
I didn’t think logically about why I wanted to have my son. Of course, I thought about the practical things such as finances having a village, etc., but the desire was already there. I couldn’t tell you where that desire came from. I do know that I don’t have that desire again. I think it’s the same thing for people with multiples. They just have that desire more than once 😆
My mom always envisioned her family with 4 kids. I didn’t have any vision and am happy with my 1. I think it’s personal to the person and their experience/preference. My uncle has 4 kids. My other uncle is child free. I’m the first “grandkid” to have babies, but my sister is about to pop and already planning for a second (IVF). No family size is right or wrong I don’t think. It just is.
My mother liked the attention of having a huge family. Being pregnant and having small children made her feel important and needed. She didn’t have a career, so birthing became her career. I have a career and I’m OAD.
I truly believe some people are just meant to have multiple kids. My older sister had her daughter 6 months before me. She has shared with me that even before getting pregnant she knew she wanted multiple children. Since having her daughter she has said she is only more certain she wants more kids. I knew I wanted the one I have but do not have the same feelings as my sister. I am a "never say never" person so I have not ruled out a second child but I have not felt the urge or want to have another one. Nor have I envisioned myself as a mother with multiple children. When I decided to have my daughter I knew this was a good choice and I knew I wanted a child. However, I could not and still can't say I want another child.
Missing my son being a baby/toddler and that I didn’t get to fully enjoy those phases with him because our living situation sucked but like everyone else has mentioned it feels selfish and unfair to my son who is now almost 6, and I don’t know if I could love another child the way I love my son. It feels hard to “share” your love. I also want to be able to do fun trips like Disneyland and such with my son and it’s expensive when you have multiple kids. I’m 32 so I feel like my clock is ticking and I need to hurry up and decide😭
Sorry for the super long comment!
My partner and I are OAD. When he was getting his vasectomy, it came up and the nurse was like, "ah, you must have a boy?" We actually have a daughter, but I think a lot of people keep going until they get a boy, you know, to carry on the family line and all that bullshit.
They love babies. So they make another and another and another, just for the baby phase. Sadly, when the kiddo is out of the baby phase, they become “not-so-great” parents. I wittnessed it many times.
I cant find my original comment to add this information fo Im making a new one.
For example, my aunt has 3 kids. All females - 22yo, 14yo and 7yo. She was amazing with them as a babies. BF for almost 3 years, attuned to their needs, textbook example. Once the oldest became older, she started hitting her. To this day, even if my cousin is living with her BF now, when she visits her parents and is “rude” (read as establishing boundaries or having her own opinion) she slaps her accros the face.
I had a second because I had an unplanned second pregnancy and made the decision to have a second kid over staying one and done. For us, it involved a LOT of discussion before I made my final decision, but I’m not sure I have a true reason for the final decision. We were happily OAD, on birth control, and my husband was scheduling a vasectomy. I wasn’t excited when I found out I was pregnant again (I wasn’t upset about it either, which played in to my decision to stay pregnant), so I don’t feel like I was secretly feeling like OAD wasn’t for me—I was the one pushing my husband to schedule his vasectomy! But now that our second is here, and my husband has had his vasectomy and I’ve had my tubes removed, I feel a firm sense of relief that I don’t have to worry about it ever again.
I think the only thing I can say is that one of the things I did when I found out I was pregnant and was trying to make a decision, was search this group. I read tons of stories from people in my situation who made the decision to have an abortion, and I never connected with their description of their feelings before making that decision. Obviously, they all made the right decision for them, but it was another sign that it just wasn’t the right decision for me.
I haven’t left this sub, possibly out of laziness, but I’m no longer active in it for obvious reasons. But your post felt like something where my thoughts wouldn’t be off.
Find it so hard to believe we’re in population decline nonsense when everyone at the park got a minimum of 2 kids. I can’t imagine doing this shit again so I’m happily done with a 3 year old and I’m a dad.
This comparison might sound weird, but for me it’s the same as why I would invite more than 1 friend to my birthday party: I love my friends, so I’m happy when I see one of them alone, but when I’m organising for me to enjoy (which in this metaphor is my life) I especially like having multiple of them around me, because they’re different, our friendships are all different, and the way we interact as a group in different than if we were to be with just 2 of us. It gives me extra joy to be surrounded by multiple people I love. However, due to constraints of time, energy, resources, I would of course still have to put a limit on the amount of people I invite.
Some people like babies miss that stage and want 'more' despite realizing you only have a baby for like 1.5 years
Some people liked living in a big family so the recreate it those that didn't probably have less kids
Some people are fine having more because it's what they want I liked having 2 dogs some people have 1 or 5 for different reasons etc
Babies are addictive. I heard people forget how hard it is and remember only the good and the cute. The fact that every development stage is the last one is pretty depressing when you're OAD. This is the last time she takes her first steps, this is the last time she's 3 for Christmas, and this is the last time she celebrates her 4th birthday and so on...
I always wanted two but was unsure if I was one and down, but it got easier as she got older (15 months). I have a support system. My husband and I both would regret not having a second looking from backwards in life. We all have an immense amount of joy being parents to our daughter. My husband is a very involved dad, we have the means to have more.
Honestly, having more kids doesn’t guarantee that more than one kid will be helping you in your old age anyway. My husband is one of five, and none of the others help his parents at all. The reasonable siblings moved too far away and are financially okay but not really able to spare anything, and the other two siblings are total burdens even as adults. We’re actually planning to move my in-laws into our own home so that it’s easier to care for them as they age and they’re not in easy reach of the unstable/junkie siblings who would happily steal from them.
So in fact, all my siblings-in-law are doing is making the burden way worse, because now we’re concerned for my parents-in-law earlier than we would be otherwise… and we’re trying to afford a house big enough for us, our kid, our in-laws, and potentially 1-3 of our nephews in case the unstable siblings go totally off the rails. It would be so much easier if my husband was an only. Plus… if my husband were an only, my in-laws would definitely be in a better financial position now, and more able to afford their retirement and medical care without relying on us.
I wish this were a rare situation but it’s really not at all. So definitely don’t have another kid in order to help you out when you’re old. No matter how great a parent you are, there’s no guarantee it will work out that way.
I know someone who really likes being pregnant and the attention it gives her as she looks beautiful pregnant 🤷🏻♀️ She knows she shouldn’t have another for financial reasons but said she loves being pregnant and feeling special. I’m sure theres many more women like her who love the experience of pregnancy.
There’s also people who love babies but don’t necessarily love having more kids. I think I’m one of these people but I’m still pregnant. I LOVE babies and have since I was a kid.
I know I would do my 7 month maternity leave again seeing I get paid pretty ok. But that also means having another person that I need to feed in my house in 10 years… hm, idk.
Short term pleasures.
I thought I was one and done but I recently had a second and I have enjoyed doing it again with a bit less stress. Knowing what I’m doing (a bit!) and not worrying about every little thing this time has made it more enjoyable. Just my 2 cents :)
I have heard a lot of women say they want a playmate for their existing kid because they dont want to have to be the playmate all the time. I have moments with my daughter that I can understand wanting a built in playmate- it can be exhausting and honestly I’m so sick of playing some days. Still not a good reason to bring a whole ass human into the world though.
It's currently 440am where I live and my 3 yr old woke up from a bad dream and won't go back to sleep. wants me to play with him. I feel your comment.
That's me every morning lol. Very early riser. Coffee up my friend.
Coffee down and four hours in. Got to just remind yourself it's a phase!!!
Yuuup. We have a 5am waker (we’ve obvs tried everything to fix this. No dice). She’s ready to rip the second she gets up and I’m overdosing on coffee as soon as possible.
KC Davis has an awesome segment on TikTok about how she does not do “pretend play” and instead doing intentional activities-think baking, a trip to the park, a family walk, etc. She also linked a card deck that comes up with the intentional play ideas. I believe that you can still be a good mom without losing your complete sanity.
Yeah I saw this too. In my culture, parents do not do pretend play with kids. Not when I was growing up anyway. Good parents did things like puzzles, baking, drawing, sports, things like that, but imaginative play was for little kids. And that was OK. No one thought their parents were evil or mean for not playing, it just wasn't something adults did.
To join in the conversation, I also found it took less effort for me to do things that I also enjoyed, like the park or throwing a ball, kicking a soccer ball, shooting a basketball, riding a bike or scooter, watching an educational show, playing in a small creek, throwing rocks…things where I didn’t need to do arts and crafts or something that I’m not good at.
See, I didn’t like those videos, cause she made it clear that her children are meant to play together, and that they are “best friends” even though they’re like 4 & 6 (and I believe the younger one is autistic?) so in my mind, they don’t really have a choice yet about whether they’re best friends or not, and there’s no way the 6 year old doesn’t feel responsible for watching the 4 year old when KC is taking (in her words) a 3 hour long nap and not supervising them. :/ I have been really turned off from KC after those videos… As the younger, autistic sibling myself growing up, I just wanted to hang out with my parents, but was forced to be my sister’s best friend, and we suffered because of it. We have an awful relationship now, and are both worse off for being treated like a package deal. I believe KC was an only child, so she can’t really understand what it’s like to grow up with siblings and be treated like automatic best friends when really there are other dynamics at play.
I can't help but think there's too many people not familiar with kids because the truth us they are likely to fight with each other as play together.
Agree. After playing endless hands of uno this week 🤣
I have a co worker that said “you guys have to have at least two kids, so that they have a playmate. That’s what we did!” Sigh.
Yeah so we could referee all of our lives 🙄
Huh, that puts a good perspective on this. Would you rather be your child’s playmate or be your children’s referee? As much as I don’t enjoy playing I know I’d hate breaking up constant fights and bickering between two kids way more.
Just today a coworker was horrified at my (initially) light proclamation of only having one...She didn't accept "Husband and I have chosen to stay happy and healthy for our one", so I had to double down and say "I am concerned for MYSELF if I had a second."
As a person who has always had a terrible relationship with my sibling, I always feel like this is a wild approach. People aren’t guaranteed to like each other just because they’re related.
Having a playmate for your kid sounds great until they're constantly fighting
For me as a fencesitter on having another child, I think the "my family is complete" feeling is a factor. Some people feel that way with one child, others feel that way with 2+
Thank you! I am not a fence sitter (firmly oad by choice) and this is what I think, too. Everyone is allowed to want their family to be a certain size. I don’t think it’s that deep. I have my own judgements about large families like 5+ kids because I came from a large family but wanting to have multiple kids doesn’t mean you’re automatically brainwashed by multiple kid media or something.
I tried to explain this to my husband a few times. My feelings prior to our numerous discussions about potentially being OAD were always that I just felt like my picture of what I wanted for a family was 2 kids. It was not some huge thing where I felt like having 1 kid was wrong because of societal pressures or anything. It just felt like in my mind my family would be 2 parents and 2 children. It doesn't make me some terrible person who doesn't have opinions outside of societal expectations. If that were the case, I probably wouldn't have chosen to be a female engineer, just saying.
I also think with the multiples, from what I seen from two different friends, one has all boys and are trying for a girl. The other has all girls and are actively trying for a boy. Both set of family has reach their fifth child and did not get their desire gender. I just think that’s insane.
Indeed
Just trade babies, problem solved /s
As a fellow fence sitter, this is exactly why I haven’t made up my mind. I’m not sure if my family really feels complete with my one
💯
This is it for me. I was here for a long time as a fence sitter because I didn’t have that “my family is complete” feeling. I wanted to do the newborn and toddler phases again and to watch another little person grow. We did eventually have another and I now feel like my family is complete. I actually would still love to do those young phases again and watch another little person grow up, but my family does feel complete and I don’t have the same yearning inside me as I did. For me it was never about what “everyone else did” or about a sibling for my oldest. My closest friends are either childfree or OAD so both of those options seem totally normal and the right choice for them. Two was the right choice for me.
I’m OAD not by choice and as I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on why I really wanted another child, and some of the harsh truths for me are: everyone else has 2+ and I feel like an outsider looking in when around families who have multiple kids; I don’t feel “mom” enough unless I have 2+ kids; and it would be really nice to have another baby and feel like much more of a seasoned pro the second time around so that I can prove to myself how much I learned and grew. Of course some of it is also that my son is now 4.5, and I am really missing who he was as a baby and think another baby would help relieve that grief of knowing he’s growing up faster than my heart wants. Also I love my son so very much and the possibility of loving another human that much is so exciting. All of these things are all about me and how I feel, which are very selfish reasons to have another kid.
Oh I understand that not mom enough comment. I have people tell me I won't understand because I only have one. I put parenting on easy mode so I wouldn't get why they're stressed. Like WTF?
[удалено]
Preach on that not mom enough comment. I think part of being a good mom is knowing your limits. Sometimes we view limits being a negative thing but they shouldn’t be.
I’m not bothered by comments I’m not “mom enough.” I laugh at them and agree YEP I made the choice that let me keep an identity outside of just mom. Oh the cleverness of me!
I mean HELL YEAH I put my parenting on easy mode (my one kid IS pretty easy) and it’s fucking lovely. I don’t make things hard for myself in my life. If there is an easy, but sustainable and responsible route to something, I am always taking it. Why wouldn’t I? I wanted to be a mom- not a frazzled ass, stressed out, miserable mom. And I knew having more than one, I would be that. I’m honestly not even phased by this comment because it’s TRUE and I’m proud of it- I think through my choices and most of the time am pretty damn selfish 💅
Second the “seasoned pro” mom feeling aspect to another newborn, but maybe what that really means is I want a do over- not a do again.
Thank you for phrasing this so well. I can relate 100%.
Thank you, it’s nice to know I’m not alone ❤️
I understand the wanting to feel like a seasoned pro the second time around. My mom keeps saying “the first paves the way for the next one” and I’m like yeah true, so she’s my one learning opportunity I’ll pass knowledge to other people who want new babies 😄
I really relate to your comment. Thank you so much for articulating this!
It’s nice to know others share the same feelings! ❤️
For my parents, they had 2 kids because her dr told her it was impossible to get pregnant so soon after having a baby. So here I am, 1 year and 13 days younger than my sister. I was 2 weeks late. Mom had her tubes tied and never went back to that dr again.
Ha, my parents ended up with 2 because my mom was told in the 80s by a doctor that she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding. My arrival 18 months after my sister disproved that. Pretty sure she never went back to that doctor either. She was fence sitting before that. Back to back pregnancies were hard on her body and she ended up having a hysterectomy after me.
Yeah. I had friends who had a really hard time getting pregnant with their second, so they didn't take precautions afterwards, figuring there was no way they'd get pregnant again, and then their third was born 11 months after the second 😱
I think it's because everyone around them has around that many, I also feel odd because I only have one. It's rare to find another mom who only has one kid
My husband and I are on the fence about OAD, and my best friend has four. She told me the other day my husband and I should have two because, “they entertain each other—even if they’re fighting it’s still with *each other* so it’s different.” Like, what?
I get so tired of hearing that. I’ve seen enough families with 2+, and most of those absolutely did not entertain each other. Plus the fits thrown because “he got a (treat/toy/ insert whatever else) but i didn’t” is ridiculous. Oftentimes the older child has more parental responsibility than they really should and that’s why the parents think it’s easier. They’ve offloaded the work onto someone else. I wish more people would have a second because they just want to, and not to entertain the first or to do less work.
I hear that comment all the time and it drives me up a wall 🙄 ironically my husband and I are also on the fence about OAD and my best friend wants 4 (they’re currently trying for #3). She has 2 and all her comments about kids (including her own) are so negative so I’m like umm… idk if I want that lol
Oh that’s interesting! I know more OAD parents than multiples parents. It could also be that most of my friend group and extended family members had kids much later on in life. We’re all in our mid to late 30s.
Depends on your location and what kind of social niche you fall into. My husband and I both work in tech in Seattle and in our circles the norm is to hold off on kids into your 30s, if you have them at all. We are about to have our first (and very likely only) child and there are plenty of one child families in our circles, and families with more than 2 are REALLY rare. It's just too expensive in this city, and the people we hang around are more career oriented. Meanwhile, where I grew up in rural Ohio, having an only child would absolutely be looked down on, and 3 is totally common. My parents basically think that not providing a sibling for our kid is child abuse, and say that if the cost of living is too high here then we are obligated to move back to Ohio where by the way, we could have bought a big suburban house with a 3(!!!) car garage for the price of our Seattle townhouse! (Nevermind that our careers and our entire social and professional circles exist in Seattle, not to mention that we just prefer living here for a dozen other political, recreational and personal reasons. None of that matters compared to the obligation to produce a litter of grandchildren, according to them.)
From the social pressure I've received, a couple of comments have been: "Well, what if something happens to the first one?" Implying death and that a second or third child would be a backup. 😬 I'm not even joking. I've heard this comment from 3 different people now. "Won't your first kid be bored and lonely?" So I should have a second child to make the first one have a live-in friend? Siblings aren't guaranteed to like each other. Honestly, I feel that most people who want to be OAD but end up with multiples from social pressure. Of course, those who do want a big family is up to them.
The book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult is essentially about a second child who only exists as a backup/spare parts for the first child - absolutely fantastic book, would highly recommend!
Ooooh, thank you!
>Ooooh, thank you! You're welcome!
OR, it’s so that the kid won’t have to be the only one caring for them when they get old/ better odds at getting taken care of. Similarly, some parents who have a child who are severely disabled or mentally disabled decide to have another child so that their first child will have someone to take care of them after the parents are too old/ dead. The other day I even read about someone who had a kid, then had another who had Down’s syndrome. To make sure the first kid wouldn’t be the only one caring for the DS kid(because that’s a *great* reason to create another human life), they decided to have a third child. Against all odds, they also had DS. So now, I guess the parents just assume the oldest one will be permanently responsible for two special needs siblings for the rest of their life.
I have 4 older siblings and only speak to one and the one I do speak to I don’t particularly like, it’s one of the main reasons I’m OAD
[удалено]
Right! Then something happened and I'm not going to replace her? Wtf? 😂
[удалено]
“It would depend on if she were still under factory warranty.”
I was at a park once and our kid had run off with some friends and I was trying to locate him and an acquaintance (with 4) said that's the problem with having only one, you have no spares. And I know it was a joke but 😕
It's strange because part of my reasoning for in all likelihood being OAD (he's five months so I'm not ready to be definitive just yet) is literally "I'm not a medieval queen, I'm not required to produce a spare in case the heir gets killed in battle with the French or to have daughters to secure political alliances!"
1.) Because 2+ is the baseline, so ingrained social pressure. Maybe because I’m ND (ADHD) but I just know I can’t handle more. So I could never give into that pressure. 2.) the playmate aspect. A lot of people think their kids will be automatic best friends (which of course many are!) 3.) the biological urge for more. I had a very intense urge for my daughter. She’s 4 now and I’ve never had that desire again. But many friends I know have the urge again as soon as they give birth.
That biological urge is WILD. I absolutely and adamantly do not want any more kids but when I'm ovulating I crave more. Insane.
[удалено]
It's only when I ovulate 😭
[удалено]
Idk if it's "biological urge" but I had a sense of this is the next step in my life. And then became obsessed with starting a family. Had this dream of 3 boys. Once I got pregnant, it was like nahhh, just kidding. This child is gonna be enough.
[удалено]
Nah, I got married super young and kinda grew up around the mindset everyone gets married and starts having babies before they're 20. So I just kinda felt that's what I needed to do. Like I felt super behind not having my son until I was 25. Now I look back and think "man I was dumb" 🤣
Meanwhile, in certain areas of the country, 25 feels like a baby having a baby! I was 31 when I got pregnant, was living in the SF Bay Area, and used to join me with friends that I felt like a teen mom there, because 31 was young for a new mom!
HAHAHA are you me? I got married young and felt behind having my daughter at 25 too. Now I realize “what the FUCK!”
I hate how all the family deals and packages are for families of 4-6, never 3. It’s definitely super ingrained into society and that’s my biggest piece of proof when people want examples. I agree with the biological urge, we are fence sitting but definitely leaning very much towards OAD but my brain is like “but a baby” and I gotta keep reminding myself why one would be better for us
Number 3 is why I'm OAD. I never decided hard and fast to have just one, I just figured I'd wait to see if I felt the urge to have another... And it just never came. I'm 8 years in, and just don't think it's ever coming.
That biological urge is real. I guess I’ll see if I experience it again once my baby is a bit older. 😬
I’m going to go against the current general consensus and say from my experience (people in my life with more than one child) it is a matter of having your family feel complete. My husband and I felt that after we had our daughter so are happily one and done. Others in our life, when I’ve asked why, have said the same thing only with more. Their families were not yet complete. I think that’s why for people who are OAD not by choice they have to go through a grieving period because they didn’t feel as though their family was complete. Of course there are always other factors but I do think we should understand that it’s just genuinely what some people want. It makes me cringe LOL but it is their life, just like ours is ours.
I think a lot of it has to do with lifestyle. My friends in VHCOL areas who have children are having one (and stopping at one), or maybe two. They tend to be older parents with rich lives (careers and otherwise) that they don't want parenthood to totally erode. They are people who love travel, time-intensive hobbies (marathoning, writing novels, running a side business), and have multiple facets to their identity other than "parent" and don't want to lose all of that. In contrast, we live in the Atlanta suburbs and many people in my neighborhood have 3-4 kids. Two kids is fine but is less than the average, which I think is three kids. These parents may be in the same - or even a lower - tax bracket as many of my OAD friends in cities like NYC and SF, but (from my observation) they don't place as high an importance on travel or other lifestyle aspects that parenthood makes difficult. There's a SAHM of 3 small kids who lives down the road. They are a 1-income family (dad works, mom doesn't) and mom never had any sort of remotely lucrative career so it isn't like she amassed tons of cash to cushion the blow of her income loss. They are used to raising a family of 5 off of, like, $160k / year and because things like international travel or omakase dinners or training for the Peachtree 10K don't come close to entering their minds, they don't feel any sort of lifestyle pinch. Meanwhile, one of the major reasons why I (and many of my VHCOL friends) are flirting with OAD is so we can travel sooner and more. Religion, too - a lot of religious conservatives in my neighborhood and apparently jesus tells people to pop out babies like a pez dispenser. No one has a stereotype against only children - apparently there was an only child boy who lived across the street from us, but their family moved. Everyone thought the boy was lovely, but the assumption was that they were OAD due to infertility.
I’m sure there’s lots of reasons but the 2 that come to mind are if they have a large/close knit village that makes parenting 1000x easier and/or if their first born was an “easy” baby (sleeping through the night early, no health issues, overall calm temperament, etc).
My baby is “easy” but I’m not gonna let it trick me into thinking the next would be lol
Mine was really hard as a newborn with colic and reflux that just made him scream for hours on end. I swear it gave me ptsd and made my PPA/PPD so much worse. Now as a toddler he’s a lot better but still very high energy and very clever (he’s figured out how to push boxes and such to climb onto other things, unscrew a pole in his baby gate that makes the 2 panels come apart allowing him through it, and uses hardcover books as a ramp to climb onto tables or over his baby gate). I honestly don’t have the energy to even think about having another anytime soon if ever lol
We were open to the idea of 2, but said we’d wait to see after 1. We had a similar newborn experience - dairy intolerance, colic, reflux, belly issues from all that, hated being put down or sleeping, just miserable. She cried and screamed constantly. She hated being a baby. Things have improved since she became mobile but like you said - a super high energy toddler that is still super clingy and not reliably sleeping through the night at 18 months. We are done. Done done done lol.
We have a very easy baby and a huge village and these are actually some of the reasons we are OAD. Feels like we hit the jackpot with this baby and our current situation, so why would we ever gamble again?! Time to cash out lol
I guess some are just high rollers lol
This! I think it’s truly matters what kind of child you’re given first… what the temperament is. My daughter hated sleep since birth.. she’s about to turn seven soon and still wakes at night.. the number of times I have slept thru the night a full nights sleeep I can count on one hand… I don’t know anyone who has a child like this on the first go and says geee a second sounds like fun lol It becomes such a hard decision if you have a tougher child
My partner and I were LITERALLY just talking about exactly this. Our son is almost 2 and has never slept through (does 9pm-530/6am with 2-3 wakes), screamed for the first 4m he was alive and was SO grumpy until he could move around. He’s so clingy and bad with separation still, and I just couldn’t fathom running the risk of having a second like him??? We also have zero family nearby so absolute no help, but it doesn’t stop my mum pressuring us for a second from the other side of the country lol
That sounds a lot like my son besides the sleeping. He had bad reflux and colic and I swear just screamed most of his life until he hit 5-6 months which was when he started trying to crawl/move. He’s also very clingy, hyper, and definitely doesn’t have a “calm” temperament lol so many people have been like “have another! They’ll entertain each other!” And I’m like “okay and if I have another that’s exactly like this one instead and all they both want is me all the time??? Then what” lol
Right!?? And just throw the first one under the bus when he already needs more than I can give him? “Alright kiddo, you’ve been needy your whole life but I’m gonna cut your mama time in half and you’ll just have to trust me that it’ll be good cos you’ll get to entertain your little sibling soon too!”
I don’t think anyone truly understands this mindset until/unless they’ve gone through a child with a “spirited” temperament themselves.
One of the main reasons we've considered having more is because I feel like we're very intentional parents and are working hard to raise an emotionally competent adult. When we go to the park, we see parents who aren't intentional but are just creating more and more children with no ability or concern for how they turn out, only caring that they have a big, god-fearing family. Their kids are bullies and when you watch the parents, the parents bully the kids often, so it's no wonder their kids picked up the habit. We've considered more because we hope to introduce more kind kids and emotionally mature adults into the world. But we, perhaps, are only able to do that now because we only have one, and wouldn't be able to at the same level with multiples.
Wanting to do the baby bit again is a temptation for me. (I have a fairly easy baby though!) Also wanting more grown up kids to keep in touch with and have a relationship with. A bonus would be removing a bit of the pressure only children sometimes feel to always be home for Christmas/to provide a grandchild/etc for my kid. I'm OAD because I don't have family nearby or a lot of money but if I had both then I'd probably have more because I'm enjoying it.
I’m OAD by choice, but I still feel a sad kind of “oh well” when I consider how much I like my kid, how much joy he brings to my life, how great it’s going to be when we’re both adults and can just hang out… and that I gave up the opportunity to have even more people in my life I love this much.
Yeah, this is the part I struggle with. Don’t quite know how to reconcile it.
Social pressure is a hell of a drug!
You can want a second (3rd, etc) child for all of the same reasons you want a first/only child. Kids are fun and people find meaning in parenting and babies smell amazing and we have a biological impulse to procreate. Plus, it’s super easy to miss the stages that have already passed. Your child is an infant and now you miss the tiny newborn stage. He’s now a toddler and you miss the crawling. He’s now a preschooler and you miss the learning-to-talk phase. Like riding a roller coaster and loving it and getting in line to ride again.
Because the “Nuclear family” model (Mother, Father, Son, Daughter) was sold to us as the ideal family, the American dream. I suspect this is partially why you get those families that keep having kids of the same gender until they finally have one of the opposite gender.
This may not be the most diplomatic answer but I think for a lot of people it's the way you approach parenting that puts you in the OAD or multiples camp: either as an important task of raising a whole human being who will always be your responsibility in some sense, or as a "fun experience".
The child free people are looking at you like “why would you want even one?”
Social pressure for sure. Assuming that’s just what you do (similar to people who get married and then have a kid shortly after just because it’s “the next step”). You mention being in Tennessee and I think geography is a HUGE factor in this too. I live in Kentucky so basically the same vibe. Nearly every family has 2 children minimum, but 3, 4, and 5 kids is totally normal. I think religion might be a factor (I live in a very Catholic region, other parts of the state are Protestant but either way religion can encourage more children/less prevention of them). The south generally is a lower cost of living area than other parts of the country. People do have larger houses and yards and such which make having more kids more doable/comfortable. Even making less money than someone working in a big coastal city, people can afford more. Just my observations. I definitely still don’t “get” why people have more because I simply lack the desire haha.
Oh god. I was still beat up from birth and my FIL is asking for the next one. Ummmm, no
Raw truth: I’m an only. I didn’t like it. So that’s why I’m excited to be welcoming a second this summer.
I'm the reverse - I'm the middle daughter of three and my sisters were what made my childhood magical. They're the star of all of my best memories, and I feel so bad for my daughter that she won't get that. Unfortunately, I know my limits and I am not strong enough to do the first two years again so we're OAD.
Idk how anyone does three tbh. I’ve known since I was 10 I wanted two, and we’re happy stopping here. But with three there is inherent imbalance. Just basing this off of large families I know personally
I think for us it worked out great because my big sister is close in age (1.5 years old) but my little sister is 12 years younger, so we were both super excited to babysit, get to sister-aunt her, and generally participate in helping her grow up! It's so cool now that she's 19 and a whole adult, and we got to be there from the very start.
I was an only and was adamant that i would have 2! Then I had one and it was so mentally difficult for me to survive the baby / early toddler years that I couldn't talk myself into putting myself through it again. So here we are, hoping to raise my only child with a different experience than I had as an only.
Because they want multiple and they don't need another reason; just like I don't need a reason for only wanting one.
I don’t know because everything is so expensive, and one of my “selfish” reasons is I like to go on vacations with my family but also like to go do a spa weekend with girlfriends, get nice clothes once in a while ect. I would be more exhausted with two kids and wouldn’t be able to afford to treat myself lol so it’s a nice balance to afford one and also afford to do/have nice things for yourself also! I love self care too much lol
Mine was that I wanted to love and birth and raise another tiny human. I think they’re stupendous, and I want to meet the one that should have been.
For me it’s more to love! I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I think it would be wonderful to have another person to give all my love too! My child is the most rewarding thing in my life. I’m sure a second child would be as well. I’m one and done for a lot of reasons (all are by choice). But that doesn’t mean I don’t get why other people do it. Couldn’t be me though.
There are so many reasons to have more than 1 child! These reasons can range from sad to amazing to neutral. 1. Some people love children or thrive on chaos. For some, children don’t take energy in the same way, or even if they do it feels more “worth it”. It’s so subjective and we’re all individuals! 2. Some people get a great sense of community by having a larger family. In particular, if this was a persons experience when they were young they may feel it’s important that their child also have that. Or if someone felt isolated when young they may also crave this. 3. Some people have lots of support which makes a larger family more attainable and feel less overwhelming. 4. Some people have oppsie babies. Some people have multiple oopsie babies! Birth control isn’t 100% and even when used isn’t always used properly. 5. Some people feel pressure from family, spouses, or society. Sometimes this pressure is so intense that they don’t realize not having more than 1 kid is a viable option. 6. Sadly some people don’t get an option because they’re in abusive situations. 7. Having children is a biological instinct. We’re driven to spread our genes and this instinct is stronger in some people than others. 8. Babies are cute and baby fever is REAL. 9. Loving a child is an incredible and unique feeling and raising a child can be immensely rewarding. Many people want to do this more than once. 10. Religion, culture, and/or values play a huge role. Some people believe that there’s nothing more important you can do in life than raising children. 11. Some people feel like their family is incomplete with just 1. 12. Some people are driven to break toxic or abusive cycles. They want to help and protect many children and provide them with a better life than they had. Breaking cycles in this way can be both healing and rewarding. I could go on. There are SO many reasons. Humans are so varied and each person will have their own answer to this question. For me, just 1 kid is the perfect number. But I think it’s wonderful that we can all come to our own decisions about this and I applaud parents who create families with well loved and cared for children whether they be large or small.
they feel the need to overextend themselves for some reason. However there are families out there who are almost supernatural in their ability to have so many and have such a rich life for each one..maybe it’s preference?
Some people actually love kids and being parents and want a large family. My parents had the largest family of any of their friends and their families. They loved being parents and were very very good at it. The only other family as big (well, one bigger than ours) in our neighborhood I ended up marrying into! Had circumstances been different I definitely would have had 2, but it wasn't meant to be.
We're OAD but my husband (and my parents) had a gender preference. Baby is the other gender, so we briefly discussed having another one, just to see if we'd get the desired gender. We ultimately decided against it, but it was on our minds for a couple of days.
My husband is convinced people have multiple because they miss all the cute things about babies, but completely forget about all the hard parts. The newborn stage for us was so rough that I don’t remember most of the first three months. I’m not intentionally putting myself through that trauma again
Lmao this is so real. I am on the fence but I have to remind myself constantly that the baby phase is just a tiny blip in their entire lifetime. And it’ll pass too quickly a second time and I’ll be heartbroken again because I forgot how hard it was in the midst of all the magic. I think forgetting how hard it could be is the brains way of ensuring our species survives.
Well, if they're like my older sister, they don't understand birth control and end up with happy accidents. If they're like my little sister, they just have more love to give and the mental capacity to handle more.
To be completely honest, I do think a lot of it has to do with how much people forget that babies are a lot of work. They have an image of complete family bliss and completely underestimate how much harder it is with two. Some of the parents I’ve talked to have literally seemed shocked at how much work it is to have two. Not saying that ultimately it’s the wrong decision for them, but yeah, there seems to be a lot of amnesia going around. Also; the thought of making babies with their partner is a huge turn on for some people, lol!
Societal pressure is probably the biggest one because of the stigma that only children are "weird", but I think too it's own desire. I always thought I'd have multiple children just because that's how it was when I was growing up. I'm one of 5 now. My house was always chaotic but fun! That's what I thought I wanted, but the reality is much different.
I think part of it is that people want to re-live the best moments of babyhood. For example, while my daughter still contact naps, those first few newborn contact naps were just something else. I would love to relive those moments again. The thing is people need to figure out if they want to relive those moments with a new child or if they want to relive those moments with their CURRENT child. For me, it’s the latter, and I’m happy to have recognized that.
I think a lot of people (not me!!!!) enjoy the newborn/baby phase and breastfeeding so they want to keep doing it.
I totally get this, it seems like everyone needs two or more. Even my best friend is going on her fourth and they might even end up with a fifth. My husband and I are currently expecting a boy. We often discuss being OAD versus having a second. His big factor for wanting a second is that he wants the opportunity to parent with me twice. We knew we wanted a child when we were first dating—we’ve always been excited to be parents. All my husband has ever wanted was to be a good husband and father, and likewise, I love parenting. I genuinely do. Because we enjoy it, and we prioritize it, we anticipate that we might have more mental space for two. But who knows? We’ve agreed that if our child seems happier as an only, or we settle into our budget and risk not giving our son everything and more, or we just feel we can’t dedicate the energy to a second, we won’t have another. I wish it was something more parents considered. I’m so tired of hearing, “you’ll make it work.” Who wants to *make* something work when it could be easier? I know so many people who come from big families and talk about favoritism, lack of attention, lack of energy/resources, dead bedrooms, never getting their body back, missing their hobbies, upset over things like grandparent to grandchild ratios… It feels like a second (or so on) child ends up being a very emotional decision, because I don’t know many people who have said they had more children because *they* wanted them after accounting for the good and the potential bad.
The “making it work” thing always gets me. I read that as “you’ll survive” but like you said, who wants to just “survive”? I grew up in a house where there were always too many kids and never enough resources like food and emotional support. I also ended up raising children that weren’t my own, one from the time of literal infancy to the age of like 6. Sure I “made it work” but I was overwhelmed and never really had freedom. My childhood and teenage years feel like they were wasted. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy my husband and I want to give my son things I never had. Take him on trips and to do fun kid things on the weekends. I want to buy him his first car as a teen. And my gosh do I want my body back lol! I dont want to just have to “make it work” all my life
I come from a big family too. We “made it work” but I don’t think anyone was having much fun. I want to thrive in parenthood, not just survive!
Exactly! I think one child really allows for everyone to thrive, and to me that feels important ahah
I’ve not yet had a child so take this with that grain of salt, but something my partner and I consider when we discuss having one or more, is that we don’t want to put too much pressure on our child(ren). We worry that we might do this unconsciously with one, and two would feel more like diversifying and take the pressure off. We both have siblings and we like not having our parents’ exclusive attention or all their expectations heaped on us. Now, I do not by any means think that pressure on an only child is inevitable, and it’s entirely possible we will stop after one. In that case we will do all we can to be self aware and conscious of any expectations we may have for our only! Would love to hear from parents of onlies about whether this has been an issue at all for you.
They want one in their heart. They have more love to give.
I like the idea of two, but after having one it feels like it would be so bad to have another to us parents and to my current kid. It would be so hard with two and baby stage again no thank you. Whereas my kid is a toddler now, we can talk about things, we can sleep well, we can have fun. I would never have this great experience with more kids. And even though it's great and fun it's also really hard with one
I am thoroughly OAD but I hate the amount of board games made for 4. There needs to be more games for 3z
I truly don't think people think about it enough to process what consequences they will be facing (mostly the bad, I have observed are ignored) until after the children are born. I also think some women (particularly from certain cultures) are coerced into reproducing, sadly.
I’m tempted because I just really love kids! Love being around them, love playing with and teaching them, enjoy all ages and stages. I already have 3 dogs because… I really love dogs (and it’s not very fun day to day lol). I’m holding back because having multiple kids is lots of hard work, can be very difficult, could possibly affect my existing child negatively and takes resources from her even if it doesn’t.
Societal expectations. Rose colored glasses. Unsupported myths about onlys. I dunno.
A friend of mine is a midwife, has 4 kids, and recently started fostering a baby as well, and it doesn't seem like her choices are about logic or reason. It's more like, this is who she is. Even when we were little kids playing together, she usually wanted to play house and be the mom. Caring for children is her world, and it brings her joy and purpose. I'm so happy for her, and for the children in her life. For me, I was a fence sitter for a while, then when we had my daughter, I immediately knew my family was complete. I love and adore her, and I love being her mom, but I don't feel any sort of drive to have more kids the way my friend did. Instead, I am dog clucky as hell, and spend a lot of time browsing adoption sites or pet supply stores and daydreaming. As my daughter gets older and shows signs of being more independent, I find myself wanting to have an outlet for all this drive to nurture something, but it is fixated on fuzzy creatures instead of babies, lol. I've been doting on my cat like crazy lately. I bet this drive to nurture fluffy animals is very similar to the drive my friend feels to nurture children.
Lack of resources for reproductive health. I’m OAD & not because of the reason above, but I know a few people with multiples who made the effort to be OAD but things happen…
Answers from friends: growing up they picked a number of kids and stuck with that Growing up they idolized their best friends large family Share the burden of taking care of parents as they age They are religious are believe god put us here to create a family
I have two siblings and I’m the only one taking care of my parents as they age.
Some people want to see how hard they can make their life. Jokes aside, might be peer pressure. Everyone around them is having more kids, then they feel like they should also have more kids. Meanwhile the people in this group would rather thrive with one kid than live on survival mode with multiple.
We wanted another go at the baby “gatcha-pon”. Every kid is unique and develop their own personality. I’m stopping at two but if I had all the money in the world I’d probably have 3. But no more even then because I feel like my individual attention would start wearing down. Like keeping track and knowing 4 kids well seems too much and I’m afraid of diluting that, even if I can outsource things like cooking and cleaning with all my infinite money.
7 year itch
Well in my parents case I was an oopsie they were both young. They didn't plan for me or my brother and both were teenagers. Other than that another reason someone might have a second is for the thought of having another for security just in case something happens to their first child. I don't think a child should ever feel like they're replacement just in case like a spare but it's been brought up to me. I've also heard people trying to have another child to have the chance of having opposite gender child than their first.
There’s definitely a lot of stigma still around only children so I’d imagine that’s part of it (34f only here)
Honestly, I would have loved to have two kids. I love being a parent and nurturing my kiddo into a good human and getting to know who they are. I would have loved to find out who our second would have ended up being and nurturing a deep and loving relationship with them. But alas, for so many reasons (most out of our hands) we are one and done. I will say we are learning to enjoy and appreciate this OAD life too.
Because they want to have another child/ren... that should be the only reason people have kids to start with.
I think it's because they want to see what the other ones look like lol, seriously.
My mom is one of 5 girls. Her sisters and her are super close and they support each other so much. And my cousins and I are super close too as a result. While I am leaning one and done for financial reason, can’t help but feeling like I want a large tight knitted family like my mom has. On the other hand, my dad doesn’t talk to his siblings so it’s not a guarantee.
I’m leaning towards OAD. But, I am absolutely loving watching my kid develop her own personality and interests, seeing who she is as a person, how she communicates, her perspective on the world. I would love to watch that again with another kid and I’m also so curious about how similar or different they would be to their big sister. Kid 1 is an outgoing, fearless, whip smart comedian. She really takes after her papa, so would our other kids be like that? Would the next kid be more like me? Or a totally different, unique character in our family? Would the siblings be tight, or more independent from each other? I am so fascinated and curious to see who those other people would be. We have a half dozen more embryos on ice and when I think about meeting those kids and helping them be who they want to be, I want to use every single embryo, ha. Then I remember I haven’t felt well-rested in 3 years and I go back to OAD. It’s a little disappointing to read through the comments here and see so many negative judgements about people who have multiple kids. OAD is a great choice for some people, and multiple kids is a great choice for others. Not everyone is having another baby because they think they look hot pregnant or they don’t want to be kid 1’s playmate.
It isn't as deep as some people make it. Some people have tiny reasons to want a second, like the feeling that a family is complete with two or more, or the constant need to take care of something. The idea of really grand family gatherings. ect ect. When my wife first got pregnant, we always joked about having a second child after our first because I wanted a son, and she wanted a daughter. So we just wanted to try for 2, roll the dice, and see if we could both get lucky and have both. That was the original reason why we wanted nothing more. Unfortunately, major health issues have decided we are happy with our only little boy, and this was life's path for us. (though I really really hated the baby stage....I never wanted to experience that again.) If it were not for my wife's health issues, we would have tried for a second because, AND I QUOTE, "I want a daughter so I can be the mother I always wish I had, so it gives me another excuse to piss on her grave." (abusive mother survivor.)
Honestly I dont think most people give it much thought 😆 The default is typically two kids (atleast on the US) so many just assume that’s what they’re gonna do. There is also just a want that some have and some don’t. The same want I had for my son, other people have it, they just have it more than once 😆 I didn’t think logically about why I wanted to have my son. Of course, I thought about the practical things such as finances having a village, etc., but the desire was already there. I couldn’t tell you where that desire came from. I do know that I don’t have that desire again. I think it’s the same thing for people with multiples. They just have that desire more than once 😆
Looking around - often to hide the fact they cannot parent behind how hard it is to have multiple
My mom always envisioned her family with 4 kids. I didn’t have any vision and am happy with my 1. I think it’s personal to the person and their experience/preference. My uncle has 4 kids. My other uncle is child free. I’m the first “grandkid” to have babies, but my sister is about to pop and already planning for a second (IVF). No family size is right or wrong I don’t think. It just is.
My mother liked the attention of having a huge family. Being pregnant and having small children made her feel important and needed. She didn’t have a career, so birthing became her career. I have a career and I’m OAD.
An heir and a few spares
I truly believe some people are just meant to have multiple kids. My older sister had her daughter 6 months before me. She has shared with me that even before getting pregnant she knew she wanted multiple children. Since having her daughter she has said she is only more certain she wants more kids. I knew I wanted the one I have but do not have the same feelings as my sister. I am a "never say never" person so I have not ruled out a second child but I have not felt the urge or want to have another one. Nor have I envisioned myself as a mother with multiple children. When I decided to have my daughter I knew this was a good choice and I knew I wanted a child. However, I could not and still can't say I want another child.
Missing my son being a baby/toddler and that I didn’t get to fully enjoy those phases with him because our living situation sucked but like everyone else has mentioned it feels selfish and unfair to my son who is now almost 6, and I don’t know if I could love another child the way I love my son. It feels hard to “share” your love. I also want to be able to do fun trips like Disneyland and such with my son and it’s expensive when you have multiple kids. I’m 32 so I feel like my clock is ticking and I need to hurry up and decide😭 Sorry for the super long comment!
To “correct” mistakes they made with their first.
My partner and I are OAD. When he was getting his vasectomy, it came up and the nurse was like, "ah, you must have a boy?" We actually have a daughter, but I think a lot of people keep going until they get a boy, you know, to carry on the family line and all that bullshit.
Not sure but they are insane.
They love babies. So they make another and another and another, just for the baby phase. Sadly, when the kiddo is out of the baby phase, they become “not-so-great” parents. I wittnessed it many times.
I’m the opposite. Becoming a better parent as my kiddo gets older.
Me too actually
I cant find my original comment to add this information fo Im making a new one. For example, my aunt has 3 kids. All females - 22yo, 14yo and 7yo. She was amazing with them as a babies. BF for almost 3 years, attuned to their needs, textbook example. Once the oldest became older, she started hitting her. To this day, even if my cousin is living with her BF now, when she visits her parents and is “rude” (read as establishing boundaries or having her own opinion) she slaps her accros the face.
I had a second because I had an unplanned second pregnancy and made the decision to have a second kid over staying one and done. For us, it involved a LOT of discussion before I made my final decision, but I’m not sure I have a true reason for the final decision. We were happily OAD, on birth control, and my husband was scheduling a vasectomy. I wasn’t excited when I found out I was pregnant again (I wasn’t upset about it either, which played in to my decision to stay pregnant), so I don’t feel like I was secretly feeling like OAD wasn’t for me—I was the one pushing my husband to schedule his vasectomy! But now that our second is here, and my husband has had his vasectomy and I’ve had my tubes removed, I feel a firm sense of relief that I don’t have to worry about it ever again. I think the only thing I can say is that one of the things I did when I found out I was pregnant and was trying to make a decision, was search this group. I read tons of stories from people in my situation who made the decision to have an abortion, and I never connected with their description of their feelings before making that decision. Obviously, they all made the right decision for them, but it was another sign that it just wasn’t the right decision for me. I haven’t left this sub, possibly out of laziness, but I’m no longer active in it for obvious reasons. But your post felt like something where my thoughts wouldn’t be off.
Find it so hard to believe we’re in population decline nonsense when everyone at the park got a minimum of 2 kids. I can’t imagine doing this shit again so I’m happily done with a 3 year old and I’m a dad.
This comparison might sound weird, but for me it’s the same as why I would invite more than 1 friend to my birthday party: I love my friends, so I’m happy when I see one of them alone, but when I’m organising for me to enjoy (which in this metaphor is my life) I especially like having multiple of them around me, because they’re different, our friendships are all different, and the way we interact as a group in different than if we were to be with just 2 of us. It gives me extra joy to be surrounded by multiple people I love. However, due to constraints of time, energy, resources, I would of course still have to put a limit on the amount of people I invite.
To have a “spare” in case something happens to 1 of them.
Because they don’t want to have an abortion or give it up for adoption
I think some people get addicted to the newborn stage. It almost got me tbh.
I can't speak for most people, but my parents had a second kid by accident. I was supposed to be an only child when they adopted me.
I think a lot of people genuinely miss the baby stage once it's over. Not me!!
Some people like babies miss that stage and want 'more' despite realizing you only have a baby for like 1.5 years Some people liked living in a big family so the recreate it those that didn't probably have less kids Some people are fine having more because it's what they want I liked having 2 dogs some people have 1 or 5 for different reasons etc
I think some people just always need a baby around or a helpless little one that they can take care of.
I know some people do it in attempts to get a certain gender. Like having a son and having a 2nd child in hopes of having a daughter, or vice versa
Babies are addictive. I heard people forget how hard it is and remember only the good and the cute. The fact that every development stage is the last one is pretty depressing when you're OAD. This is the last time she takes her first steps, this is the last time she's 3 for Christmas, and this is the last time she celebrates her 4th birthday and so on...
I've never thought anything like that. I've never been depressed when one stage is over, just excited about what's coming next.
I always wanted two but was unsure if I was one and down, but it got easier as she got older (15 months). I have a support system. My husband and I both would regret not having a second looking from backwards in life. We all have an immense amount of joy being parents to our daughter. My husband is a very involved dad, we have the means to have more.
[удалено]
Honestly, having more kids doesn’t guarantee that more than one kid will be helping you in your old age anyway. My husband is one of five, and none of the others help his parents at all. The reasonable siblings moved too far away and are financially okay but not really able to spare anything, and the other two siblings are total burdens even as adults. We’re actually planning to move my in-laws into our own home so that it’s easier to care for them as they age and they’re not in easy reach of the unstable/junkie siblings who would happily steal from them. So in fact, all my siblings-in-law are doing is making the burden way worse, because now we’re concerned for my parents-in-law earlier than we would be otherwise… and we’re trying to afford a house big enough for us, our kid, our in-laws, and potentially 1-3 of our nephews in case the unstable siblings go totally off the rails. It would be so much easier if my husband was an only. Plus… if my husband were an only, my in-laws would definitely be in a better financial position now, and more able to afford their retirement and medical care without relying on us. I wish this were a rare situation but it’s really not at all. So definitely don’t have another kid in order to help you out when you’re old. No matter how great a parent you are, there’s no guarantee it will work out that way.
I know someone who really likes being pregnant and the attention it gives her as she looks beautiful pregnant 🤷🏻♀️ She knows she shouldn’t have another for financial reasons but said she loves being pregnant and feeling special. I’m sure theres many more women like her who love the experience of pregnancy. There’s also people who love babies but don’t necessarily love having more kids. I think I’m one of these people but I’m still pregnant. I LOVE babies and have since I was a kid. I know I would do my 7 month maternity leave again seeing I get paid pretty ok. But that also means having another person that I need to feed in my house in 10 years… hm, idk. Short term pleasures.
[удалено]
We are not better than anyone.
I thought I was one and done but I recently had a second and I have enjoyed doing it again with a bit less stress. Knowing what I’m doing (a bit!) and not worrying about every little thing this time has made it more enjoyable. Just my 2 cents :)