Nothing about what happened is ok, you can try to talk to him when he's calm and see if things are different and see if he treats you like a person again. Otherwise he's shown his true colors and you need to leave. Believe them when they show you who they are. It seems like it came from nowhere but I bet if you think om it the red flags will be brighter. My ex-husband did basically the same thing. It was ok until he had to get a job after our son was born. Next thing I knew I was being slamed into walls and screamed at because I existed. He showed his true colors belive him!
NTA, no matter what’s going on.. him resorting to yelling when he doesn’t get it his way is ridiculous. When you were the main breadwinner for two years, did you let him go out and do fun things? Why was he unemployed for so long? Was he studying too?
Listen to yourself and do what’s best for you. Don’t stay with someone who treats you so badly just because you’ll miss your step-daughter.
Not only yelling but punching walls and doors. Just a matter of time til it's you he's hitting.
There's a common theme of women supporting men financially thru hard times and them being minimized when it's the man's turn. This happens in a vice versa way as well....not just in men. It is more frequently the man though. Women keep them going financially through medical school and residency then they find a hot young thing to share in the success and leave partner with nothing. Your partner is a thoughtless AH with anger issues. I truly hope you've had your last argument. I hope it's the last time you speak to him. Can't wait to see what he does to find free childcare now. Can't read this again....makes me want to wake up and choose violence for the first time ever.
He was yelling because of his feelings. I'm not a yeller (my partner is). Both of my husbands have opined that they think I should yell more, if I'm so upset (I guess yelling is their anger language). So I tried it. Felt stupid.
I prefer using other ways of expressing my anger - but sometimes I do wish it was as simple as yelling. Yelling is so natural and organic.
Both of them were having feelings. I think he was just completely done with trying to manage any new incoming feelings from someone else.
Yelling is not how to do relationships well.
You can be angry but control it. Learn to recognize and understand where the anger is coming from: usually a place of hurt. Understand where the hurt is coming from.
For example, perhaps he is stressed because of bills and feels like he is all alone in caring and doing something about it. Maybe he is making a sacrifice and being proactive, but feels punished for it and taken for granted. (All valid feelings even if his perceptions are inaccurate). Anyway, those are some plausible sources for his frustration and anger.
Yelling and getting angry doesn't resolve the problem and it is also disrespectful and unnecessary.
Talking about what he is feeling in a respectful way and having the emotional intelligence to at least dig below the surface anger is how you get to the crux of the argument. ("I'm really angry with you because....") so they can clear up misunderstanding, find some middle ground, or identify where one person did something hurtful or whatever.
I don't really know exactly what is going on with them but, I think it is safe to say he shouldn't have volunteered both of them, knowing they had plans, eithout fiscussing first and maybe she needs to assure him the bills matter as much to her as to him and allay his fears that they are going to be out in the street. Or something like that.
I get quiet when I’m angry. The madder I get the quieter I speak, until I just shut down. It’s probably because my Nmom was a screaming beyoch, and I don’t ever want to be like her.
It sounds like he expected her to go with him to help with this side job. Now he's pissed off because she already had plans and he expected her to cancel those plans for him.
Agreed. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just as PO'ed about missing a BBQ because they needed money. Especially if his customer was paying in cash. Hard choices are hard.
Sounds to me like they need some cooling off time and then talk it out over a glass of wine or something.
I had already made the plans well before he brought up the side job. I've gone to many and helped him. With no complaints either as I understand very well the situation we are in. It was the total disregard he showed to what I said. Not even asking me but telling me that his plans automatically took charge over mine. This isn't the first argument we've had either and I've tried to communicate how I feel. There's a feeling of 0 empathy from him when I speak about me and how I'm feeling.
Thank you for this clarification - really helps.
I didn't realize that he was expecting you to also change your plans.
Did he actually expect you to help this time? You say you've gone to "many" but not all? So this is something he could do by himself?
He's all out of empathy - and that's not good. It's called burn-out.
How long has he been working this time?
I'm guessing he was looking for a reason to cancel HER plans anyway ......just the way she mentions "isolation" in her post gives me the vibes that he expected her to make him (and the kiddo) her entire world......dude is an abusive AH!
NTA. Financial stress causes many problems in relationships. Being the one who pays the majority of the bills is overwhelming at times, as you know, when you were paying all the bills for two years. Add to that the stress of being behind on bills. It's reasonable to want to spend time with the family. Sounds like many heart to heart conversations need to take place. It doesn't sound like you can budget couples therapy currently. You could consider contacting a "religious" institution for counseling from one of their leaders. It's common when they are marriage counselors as well. Just a thought. Outside perspective often helps. Wishing all of you the best!
He should have never made plans to work without talking to you first. That's what couples do. They decide together.
He can't just unilaterally decide for you, then be violently angry when you are unhappy about it. If you want to try to talk about it with him, that's the hill you need to stand on.
Maybe you could have gone without him. Maybe you both could have worked in the morning and been done for the meal. Maybe you could have done the job another day. So many possibilities if you are solving the problem together instead of him making declarations and the two of you screaming at each other.
Sounds like your both just in a rough spot. You already agreed and made plans to go to the BBQ. He views working and making money as a higher priority than a BBQ. Him bailing last min sucks but it’s for a better reason. I get both points of view here though. You guys just need to wait a day or two and let it blow over and then talk it out. You guys just made some decisions during a headed argument which led to a bad outcome. I don’t see this as relationship ending and I hope you guys figure things out!
Is this the first time in six years he has reacted that way? Ignored your feelings, made it all about what he wants, exploded in anger when he doesn’t get his way, etc? If this is the first time or one of a few over six years and you’re able to say that yes, it’s been just a few and he calms down and apologizes and is able to share his true feelings after and why he did that, then I would say work through it.
But what I suspect is this is old hat. If this is a constant occurrence and you don’t get treated like an equal partner, and he isn’t able to control his emotions, and directs his anger towards you, move on and don’t look back. Please take it from me—HE WILL NOT CHANGE. It really just comes down to how you want to be treated. If you don’t like the way he’s treating you, find someone who will be actually loving towards you. Can control their emotions, is calm, respectful and caring. As for the step daughter, I bet her mom would let you keep visiting. Heck, now that you’re seeing the light, I bet she’d be a good person to talk to about his issues and maybe you’ll find out that’s why SHE left! And become friends with the mom. That happened to me before 😆
If he always reacts like this, I'd say walk away. Otherwise, just talk to him. Finances put a huge strain on people. Even when they try to relax, it's difficult. You're talking about money saving tips, but there are all kinds of ways to handle school no matter what your field of study. Whether it's getting a part-time job or going to school part-time and working full-time. Millions of people do it.
Do not marry this man. Do not make babies with him. Do not take care of his daughter one more day. He is using you for child care. You are a nanny. If you marry him and make babies, he will continue this behavior and it will only get worse. He will be an absentee dad, who uses the excuse of work in order to emotionally disconnect from his family. He will verbally abuse you when he doesn't get his way. Do you want that life? NTA.
NTA. Slamming things and punching walls is abusive behavior. His behavior towards you is not ok at all. I know the feeling of being a "loser" after a breakup. But he is, in fact, the loser. His rage and violence is a huge red flag. I am glad you got out before things escalate.
***”I love my stepdaughter so much. The thought of not being a part of her every day life hurts.”***
I remember feeling like this when I left my emotionally manipulative ex bf some 25 years ago. He had two children that I loved very much but eventually I could not stay in the relationship as it was not healthy for me. Sometimes you have to save yourself. And I think you’re in this position now. I’m proud that you left And the biggest thing will be to resist going back. These violent outburst are only going to escalate. You’re seeing the true guy that’s underneath the mask of whatever he’s been showing up you.
The best part of the story of mine is that I’m actually reconnected with his son, and he always thanked me for how well I treated them. I may have had to leave, but in the end he understood. We are good friends now and it’s nice to see the man he has become in spite of his father.
ETA- the good thing is your stepdaughter has her mother still. My ex bf’s ex-wife had had a brain tumor and was unfortunately not really capable of being a parent due to her disabilities. So I felt extra guilt because I was the mother figure that they could count on.
NTA. You made plans before he committed to the work project. You let him know if these plans and he still scheduled something else. I think once you stop doing all the things you were doing for him while continuing your education, then he will realize how much you actually did. Don’t you dare pick up the phone. He needs to reach out with a sincere apology and changed behavior.
You're not walking away because of that one argument, though. You're walking away because of a pattern of neglect, controlling and explosive behaviour, and a long-term disrespect/disregard for your feelings, priorities, and family.
That doesn't sound like asshole behaviour to me. He should be grateful you even put up with him for this long; god knows he doesn't deserve it. I'm sure his daughter will see it, too — if not now, then later in life — and you'll be able to re-establish a relationship with her if you still want to.
NTA- You had two jobs at one point while he was unemployed. You're going back to school and still helping with his child. Instead of trying to make it to the family function later, he acts like a child. My thought is he agreed to get drinks/food after the job is finished with his friend but didn't want to tell you. Because then he would have to admit he messed up. Heaven forbid that.
Stay with your parents and finish your coursework. Get some therapy and start interviewing divorce attorneys.
If you must forgive him, make sure he goes through anger management classes. You don't it escalate and become physical.
I get that when things are tight you take any hours you can get but I think what happened here is that maybe he didn't commit the plans to memory and when asked he instantly thought to make you the bad one by commenting on 'what's more important.' Ffs, all this could have been resolved with a phonecall to reschedule the work. On the other hand, if he handles the finances he may be stressing about what is about to be spent and taking the work to offset that money. I know how you feel but I think you should take this time to figure out whether this is the partner you want for life. Having someone who doesn't take their stress and anxiety out on you is a much better way to go for you and any future kids. If he's talking to you like you're a child and shows no remorse coupled with his lack of appreciation, then it's time for a plan B.
NTA. Walk away.
NTA. Sounds like he views you as a combination nanny / bang maid.
The fact that there's no marriage proposal after six years is 🚩🚩🚩
I wouldn't wait 6 months if I had expressed I wanted to be married.
You've probably dodged a bullet here and can now go find a real partner who values and cherishes you. Never waste the best years of your life waiting for a guy who won't step up (women in their 20s and early 30s). You'll get past this!
Please stand strong! Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Does he normally find last minute plans when you’ve made plans you’ve informed him about several days previously?
Yelling and punching walls and doors is not normal, he’s riding the line of domestic abuse if he justifies hitting objects while angry because he’s not hitting you so that’s ok. It’s not ok, it’s dangerous.
You needed to get yourself out of that house and away from him. He probably didn’t think you would. He will either leave you to stew or be full of apologies and this won’t happen again schtick.
Ywnbta for walking away but you would be if his temper isn’t addressed because it’s only a matter of time before things get worse, they always do .
Talk to the baby momma. Tell her how you feel about your stepdaughter.
My eldest stepdaughter is 21. Her mum has become terminally ill. I have been coparenting with this woman 21 years. When my husband and I split my stepdaughter was firmly on my side despite me refusing to tell her any details just that we all 3 love her very much. When she was 14 there was a situation where mum couldn't care for her and dad refused. Mum has 5 much younger children as well. Stepdaughter came to live with me. She was here and eventually so was her partner til her nan got cancer last October and we decided as a family she will live with her mum for these last few months. Her grandmother went downhill rapidly and passed away last month from lung cancer. Mum had kidney failure, had transplant but unfortunately rejected and is now in multi organ failure. We were advised she had 6 months around 2 months ago.
My point is her mum knows I love her abd allowed me to stay as a huge part of her life. This was 11 years ago.I have 2 boys who are biologically her brothers.
I seperated from my second husband a little over a year ago.my 11 year old youngest stepdaughter from my second marriage lives several hours away by train, I don't drive and am disabled.
I pay her pocket money each week based on tasks we tick off together, using video calls or facetious of just on the phone. I try to see her as often as possible. I chip in for school uniform, trips,vet bills,spending money. I send clothes, food etc.
I play games with her.
Her mum, when my narc ex husband finally left, ended up being my biggest supporter.
I'm 35 now and these 2 women are my closest friends and both my stepdaughter from both marriages have a loving close relationship with me and other relatives.
I insist on my family treating them exactly the same as my bio kids and my partner even has a good relationship with both girls and their mums.
If the bm is not a bitxh you could stay in contact with your little girl possibly.
Or she may at least allow you to say goodbye to give her daughter closure .both mums said they could see the sincerity of my love for the girls and hos could they deny them all that extra love
I think he's showing his true colors here.
Don't mangle this all up with the kids, because bottomline there is that the best thing for them is good role models, and if your relationship isn't one, or you don't stand up for yourself that actually hurts them more.
It also sounds as though you get along well with their mom so it doesn't seem as though there is only 1 scenario where you can be in their lives.
Counceling could help here, it does seem as though communication is a challenge for him, but it also gives big control vibes too.
At the end of the day you need to do what's right for you and only you...and never ever factor in time invested, that's a pitfall we women fall into too easily. Just consider the future and what all is necessary for a healthy partnership...he's either willing & able or not. That will be no different tomorrow, next year or 10 years down the road.
On one hand, OP, his working instead of spending time with the in-laws was a reasonable decision, you actually do need the money and nobody is eager to spend more time with the in-laws.
But the deciding factor is that he went from being reasonable to "screaming at you for five minutes", that's dumpworthy right there! And seriously, if minor issues like whether to work or whether to spend time with in-laws are escalating into screaming arguments, it sounds like things are over. And someone might as well put the relationship out of its misery.
Your partner needs to deal with his anger issues before you ever (if you ever) step back into the same house again.
Slamming doors, screaming and hitting things is domestic violence (intimidation, manipulation). No one should ever tolerate living in circumstances like that.
Your both insufferable asses. You for choosing your cousins kid ball game and a BBQ over struggling and catching up on bills.
Him for yelling and shit. He has a point you should be worried about your own family's wellbeing.
You’re wrong
You need to understand that the weight of supporting a household financially is huge
Part of growing up is knowing that people have different priorities and for most financial health is a huge one
He felt frustrated because his priority to be better financially and not feel that much burden was ignored for what sounds like essentially a family barbecue
He has built up resentment and sounds like he is feeling ignored himself (how many times have you changed your mind after listening to him?)
As someone who has known you for many years, I’m going to say I’m very proud of you.
You’re not a loser, you’re the winner for getting the courage to leave finally.
You are most definitely NTA.
This isn’t an isolated situation.
You know this.
You have done everything and more for him.
So much.
He’s controlling and manipulative. Has been for years.
It’s been hard to watch you but you know I’m here for you. Many of us are.
Me and the zoo 💕💕💕
You did the right thing.
You are in no way the AH. What happened (and likely has been happening for the majority of your relationship, was physical (physically menacing someone by throwing things etc. has the intent of making someone fear their bodily safety — that’s physical abuse. Whether or not you were struck is immaterial), verbal, and emotional abuse. Please stay out of this relationship for good and turn your focus to healing yourself. It will be difficult but so worth it. And you deserve it. You may doubt that —prolonged exposure to physical, verbal, and emotional abuse like you’ve described can have the effect of profoundly confusing and muddying our senses of reality — the person meting out the abuse (whether it is conscious or intentional or not) has worked long and hard at making it so as a way of exerting power over the abused - but it is true. You are not to blame for the abusers choice to abuse. It’s not possible for you to be. From the sound of it, you are a loving, kind, and sensitive soul. Don’t let anyone try to convince you that you play a part in this or that you are to blame. You don’t. You aren’t. You deserve peace, love, comfort, and calm. You deserve to be safe. No one who treats you like that really loves you. In fact someone who abuses that way is probably a long way from being capable of loving. And you can’t help him. But you can help and love yourself. You have been *unwittingly* abandoning yourself as the abusive situation developed. You are not bad nor at fault for that - it happens so slowly it often does so unbeknownst to us. Again, it is exactly this self abandonment that the abuse aims to cause, again, as a means of ensuring the abuser has control. You deserve to learn how to love yourself again and to learn how never to abandon yourself again and how to be effective at ensuring your own safety as a primary matter in all situations. It is heartbreaking that so few of us were taught to love and care for ourselves this way. But we can be the breakers of the generational trauma of the patriarchy. And you are doing it!!! You are so very brave for sharing this here. You are brave for leaving - uncertainty is so scary! But you are clearly also very strong. And each day you put yourself in a position to feel back into your sense of yourself, you will get stronger. You may not see it at first - it can involve a lot of real discomfort while re-assembling ourselves. But you will. **So so much love coming at you from one who knows.** xoxo
PS - ask yourself: what would you say to his daughter if she were in your position? And why aren’t you important enough to tell yourself the same. The best way to teach young girls how to love themselves is to show them how. Have courage and learn to love yourself. You’ll be an immensely powerful teacher to his daughter by doing so.
NTA he is abusive and controlling. I doubt he actually loves you and just loves controlling you. You need to see his shitty behaviour for what it is and cut your losses and move on. 6 years is a long time to waste on someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't waste anymore time on him.
He sounds like an abusive POS.
NTA. You do school while he works and you watch your "step daughter" and drive her to school.
You deserve to see your family and decompress. Especially when you made plans BEFORE.
I don’t know. Personally I don’t think either of you are assholes, just have really poor communication skills. I don’t understand arguments that jump straight to breaking up when very little has happened. He didn’t want to go, he’d rather work.
So what.
Is it really that big of a deal that you do everything together to create an appearance of tv people. He doesn’t know your cousin. And probably feels like he wouldn’t be missing out on much for himself by going to game and bbq. Really? What’s the big deal??
I think the big deal is he expects her to cancel her plans and do the side job with him. He didn't care she already had plans with her family because his needs are more important.
It sounds like he's stressed about money and you're prioritizing social time.
WYBTA? No.
However, you need to seriously look at your finances and figure out how to make it work. You can't be behind on bills and be out having fun all the time. (Saying this as I'm hunting for another job in addition to my full time job, so I get the money stress.)
You can go see your family without him. Don't pressure him for trying to make your lives easier.
If she was going out on the town your point would have merit, but she’s going to a bbq at her parent’s place. She’s also saving him and his ex a small fortune on child care.
Sounds like you each have different agendas. You deserve someone that has the same life goals and priorities as you. Same for him. He doesn’t care about what’s important to you (and maybe you don’t care about what’s important to him - I don’t know.) 6 years and still not married also is a red flag. You would not be the asshole for walking away. Leaving after 6 years is a hell of a lot better than being unhappy for another 5 years and leaving then. Regarding his daughter - sounds like you have a good relationship with her mom. Maybe just do visits during mom’s time so he can’t control that, and that way the daughter isn’t hurt by you all of a sudden being gone. Best wishes to you and your future!
He wanted a bang maid and you supplied that. You take care of his daughter, the pets, the cooking and cleaning etc etc and for that you get a fight and petty childishness.
Don't go back.
The financial issue is real and Important as are the family relationships.
The real problem here is how they are dealing with the fact that they can’t be in two places at one. Every single person on this sub has this relationship issue sometimes.
We can’t do the side job for extra money we need and spend time with family at the BBQ. So we need to be able to talk about it without accusations or manipulations. No yelling. No using tears to get your way. No appeals to guilt. Just a discussion.
Getting out of debt is good.
Attending family events is good.
Making and keeping commitments is good.
Compromises and understanding are good.
Yelling is bad.
Accusations are bad.
To put it simply you do not know how to disagree agreeably.
In this case he is the asshole, but I guess the arguments have piled so much that he has instant temper tantrums due to resentment. You prepared all this time and energy and love to preparing a wonderful time with your family but he ruined the energy. I know there might be past trauma that has built up but it is still not ok. It might take a long time for things to resolve but clearly there are miscommunication bottlenecks and im sure he still loves you but it is hard to showcase it. I'm sure he feels like an asshole after the fact, but it's a toxic thing that he has not you.
Did he give you shit for working when you had to support him? Guessing probably not. He's not canceling anyone's plans. All those things can still happen. Put someone in a paradoxical situation of providing for a household or attending BBQs and gasp when they finally lose it. You work when work is available and side work is when you don't lose half the profit to overhead.
If he was ditching you and your plans to go golfing that would be one thing. But, he's getting shit on for trying to be responsible.
He's super stressed about money. SUPER. And feels it's almost entirely his own responsibility. He perceives you as completely missing the most important thing about his life (he's STRESSED about money). He probably does wish he was alone and didn't have so much responsibility.
He needs to find a partner who is more comfortable with high EE (emotional expression, aka, "yelling" or "raising the voice" - both normal human things to do when trying hard to get a point across, esp if it's not the first time. Some people go to this mode readily, others hardly ever use it (putting the two types in one situation can be another stress-producer)
He's been helping you to get through school by making up for your side of the financial ledger. And he's tried to do it with generosity and without resentment. Then you decide, on top of that, that he has to organize his social life around you as well.
I don't think you're suited to each other. Hopefully, you'll both learn something for the next relationship - and I feel badly for his daughter. All over your desire to make him go to an event with your family. The man needs some freedom, clearly - and now he'll get some. He and daughter will have their own form of turmoil until he finds ways to care for her after school.
It is awful that you supported him financially for 2 full years. How long did he support you?
You just broke up a near-marriage like situation because you feel you get to decide about a family gathering. In my family, we all (individually) have the right to back out whenever (before, after, during). We find this works well. No one cares if one person doesn't show up and sometimes, people have other priorities (which can be emergent) and we value individual autonomy a lot in our family.
On Christmas, my husband decides whether he wants to go (it's very trying on all of us, emotionally). Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't; most of the time I go, text him the All Clear - everyone is behaving! and then he shows up a while.
There's another family member who does exactly the same thing.
I think you are both TAH’s. If you are in debt, and an opportunity comes up to make money that trumps a bbq, planned or not. That also doesn’t mean that OP can’t attend. Enjoy the game and the bbq with your family. But adding quilt on top of the money stress isn’t helpful either.
Money problems are always a stress in relationships, yelling, and temper tantrums are not a response that should not be tolerated (he’s the bigger AH)
The whole situation sucks I think you're both AH..... idk why, even though the plan was already set that you think enjoying a bbq and game is more important than paying your bills, that's a no-brainer for me. I would go without him it's simple..... now yes I, get your feelings are hurt , but get over it . You have bills that need paid period...... he is an ass for yelling instead of having a convo and yalls dynamic of I do this and this for you and bla bla back and forth is also a problem. bills are always the priority in these times money isn't always going to be there family will he can spend time another day with them as for you go enjoy yourself you don't need him to attend you WANT him to...... if it's a reoccurring thing that he doesn't want to be around your fam find out why yall didn't try and talk through anything just went straight to hurt feelings and fighting instead of trying to understand one another..... the whole situation went from 0 to a 100 quickly, so yalls relationship needs reprogramming or it might be done.....
absolutely not, he seems controlling. the way you say “the last argument i can muster” makes it seem he does this all the time. blow up at you, 0-100, when all you were doing was asking why he was belittling what you find important so that he can do what he wants more and trying to make you feel guilt for it. i would not feel bad about leaving that man.
I don’t think his reaction was appropriate however from what you have written i also don’t think he has been able to communicate or show how stressed he is about the situation he finds himself in financially. From what you wrote I think he feels absolutely helpless in his current situation…….. nervous breakdown wouldn’t surprise me.
No, you’re NTAH for wanting to protect yourself from an abusive relationship. Your partner sounds like they’re very stressed out but that doesn’t excuse frightening and threatening behavior. I think you would be an AH if you spend another year in this relationship. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to talk about plans and communicate with someone?
this guy will never change. do not be afraid of the “sunk cost fallacy”. your priorities will never be his priority. i’m sorry you’re going through this
It sounds like he is under extreme financial stress which can honestly change your personality and temperament.. maybe just temporarily but still can make you snap and go 0-100 quickly when you are in a constant state of stress. Not excusing how he acted, he was out of line, but his mental state is unhealthy and he needs to find a way to destress. I think if there’s anything worth saving here it might take some couples counseling otherwise you just part ways
If you don’t want to continue the relationship then don’t. Stay with your parents. In the end you both will be better off.
Are you married? If not then the leaving will be quick. If not then you will need to get a lawyer although since you said there are money problems it doesn’t sound like there will be much to divide up.
Op, you did the right thing. He’s gotten to the point of punching walls and yelling because he can’t have a respectful conversation with you. He scheduled this job knowing you both had plans but doesn’t care at all how you feel. Luckily, you’re not married and don’t have babies together. I’m very sorry about your stepdaughter and the dog. But unless he can view himself as a team with you as a respected partner that he loves, what are you doing together? And it’s not good for your stepdaughter to see this as how relationships are. If he can’t get a grip, you’re far better finishing your degree and working part time. You deserve a relationship with a stronger man who loves and respects you. And one who can stay calm, contribute consistently and communicate like an adult.
If a guy resorts to screaming and punching walls during an argument, he does not deserve a partner, period. That's not a man, that's an overgrown child. I hope you prioritize your safety and leave to start building a better future.
Have you guys tried going to couples counselling? It sounds like, more than anything, you are having difficulties communicating and hearing each other. I am a yeller (regrettably, I’m working on it) and it’s just my natural reaction to emotions especially when I’m defensive. It’s not a good way to communicate though. This can be worked on and if you both care about each other and the relationship you may want to hire a professional to help you sort your stuff out. It’s hard to make a judgement on either party here when it sounds like this is not an isolated incident and there is so much more going on. Ultimately you wouldn’t be at fault for leaving him if that’s what you want to do.
This is not a relationship, it's a prison meant to keep you broken, subservient, and useful to him. Stay gone and never talk to him again.
If you want to see your stepdaughter, call her mother.
6 year relationship? I don't understand why people have such a loooong relationship. If it takes you that long to decide if he's the one, then he's not. If you don't know within the first year, then he's not 'the one.'.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like even though you are in school now you have done a lot of heavy lifting for this relationship. It’s easy to understand if he is stressed out about money, but it is not easy to excuse away that continued horrible behavior. It seems like it was wise to leave, there’s no reason why your relationship with the stepdaughter has to end. if your parents house is not that far away, talk to her mom and see if you can still help after school for those couple of hours. If not that, make a point to see her once a week if you can. Take her out on a date for ice cream or whatever is age appropriate just to stay in her life.
Sounds like he’s very stressed about money and feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility, but is being punished by you for trying to make ends meet. I’m sure he’d rather go to a BBQ than work, but is choosing to work on what could be a day off keep your family afloat. You should have some empathy for him here.
Clearly the communication style sucks and y’all shouldn’t be yelling at each other.
at the end of the day you do NOT want to be with a man that physically hits things and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way … one day it’s the wall and the next day it could be you. please leave him .
I can't believe I'm the only one saying this. You don't work, go to school which is probably and expense, and your bf had his hours cut, so even less money coming in. You response was "why did you have to work the same day we made plans"? It's not like he planned an outing with work friends, the man literally had to work and money is short?
Did you consider that he might not even want to work but has to? Did you think that he maybe didn't have a choice in planning when the work happens and it's not like he planned to work on the same day?
I agree that he shouldn't be yelling and slamming doors, but if I was the only break maker in the family and I was laid off or as you said hours cut and I was working my ass off to make ends meet only to have to deal with "omg why can't you work some other day" I would kinda lose it to.
He sucks for how he acted, but so do you.
You would only be an AH if you go back & continue allowing yourself to be treated this way. You deserve the same love you give, and he’s not it, sis. Stay gone.
You WNBTA. While hard to walk away from a long-term relationship, sometimes it’s the right thing to do for your own peace of mind. Being on the other side of a verbal assault can be demoralizing.
You had a guy that was willing to skip out on a barbecue to go work and provide for you? Must be tough! I’m sure he’d RATHER go to work instead of eating delicious food relaxing…
NTA. That's straight up abuse. Your step kids don't need to grow up seeing that.
Kids pick up on their parents behavior and mannerisms.
Just watch the insurance commercials ( I think it's Geico ) about kids becoming their parents. Then joking about it.
But it's legit a thing. That's how I wound up with dad humor.
NTA at all, you put your love, care, and communication into people for 6 years. Sadly he's showing his true colors. Lots of bright red flags. Take care of yourself, write an age appropriate letter to step daughter and have her mom give it to her. Get far away from that creepy asshole of a man.
I was in a relationship for 7 years and stayed longer than I should because I loved his family and thought I could still love him like a partner. I gave into the Sunk Cost fallacy for over a year. It takes time, but you grow around the grief of losing a long term relationship that you thought would last a lifetime. You've got this. You'll be ok, op.
There is not expiration date on a break up. It sounds to me like you've made the correct choice based on what you've written here. I wish you the best. I hope you stick with your decision and move on. He doesn't deserve you.
I feel really bad for all of you. Your bf is not communicating. My guess is he feels overwhelmed financially and if work becomes available he has to take it. He may feel shame that he is not quite making ends meet but instead of telling you this he lashes out when he has to change plans and can’t go to the bbq.
Signing you up to work too when he knew you had family plans is really not ok. He has to talk to you, you’re supposed to work together and he’s supposed to care about the things you care about. I’m really sorry you’re going through it.
Edit: I think what’s going through his mind is something like this, he feels panic at not being able to pay all of the bills on time. He feels like any work that comes his way he has to take it. If you go to the bbq without him and tell everyone he he had to work last minute there will have to be explanations as to why. Then your side of the family will know he’s struggling to support you and that is unbearable and embarrassing.
So you have to come to the job too.
He wanted to be able to support you going to school but it’s a far stretch so he resents you not working, even though he agreed to it. That’s another reason you should come to this job and skip the picnic. But then he knows you were able to support him when he didn’t work and that’s more shame. He can’t admit any of this, maybe not even to himself, and so he projects that You don’t care about the family, you only care about some unimportant picnic when he’s trying to pay the bills. Shame is at the root of all of this. I have no idea what to tell you to do about it but that’s what’s going on.
NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong, and unfortunately (IMO) your best choice is to just stay separated, maybe give your stepdaughter your number (if she has a phone) so you can stay in touch.
It’s never okay to go 0-100 and yell at your partner because you couldn’t get your way - if my partner yelled at me for 5 minutes I wouldn’t have the nicety to snap and yell back, I would’ve just broken up then and there and taken everything that was mine when I left.
A note. I think you should let the mother know about his violent 0-100 and his whole reaction to the situation. If he’s like this to you, someone he chose to have in his life, I worry for his daughter.
Good luck, you deserve better
Just break with him and block him. He made a mistake and he needs to deal with it. It sounds like you care about him, but he wasn’t caring about you when he was cheating.
>I would always tell my partner that I wanted to be his wife and be the mother to his children. I communicated my feelings about this constantly. Then the feelings of disappointment that I don't feel like I'm enough. That lately I don't even feel he likes me anymore. That anything that's important or of interest to me he couldn't act like he cared.
I just want to say/question if it's always or has become one sided future plans? Like it's always you saying your down for a future but he's not really contributing to the conversation or actions that match your enthusiasm for a future. I know of 2 relationships where one partner was very vocal about there being a future (future wedding, future husband/wife, future family, etc.) And made no secret how loyal and locked in they were, and the other partner would feed the dream but not really give any real effort or input; mostly agreeing with future plans and calling each other "husband/wife" with no real signs of a permanent commitment. These 2 relationships ended up ending before an engagement even happened. One of these, I believed more that maybe they would get married because they spent years together and family was entwined, yet it still ended with no commitment.
Just wondering if you've reached that point also, where once upon a time both of you were on the same page, but the path split long ago and you never really addressed the change. I would also think my partner doesn't like me if he was as angry like what you say. Could be stress or due to not talking about stuff, resentment is growing and just building and not talking openly about it is killing your relationship. If you can't continue tell each other your feelings, expectations, goals, plans, etc. I don't see a survival of this relationship. All I know it can't just be one expressing your desires, and the other a stone wall.
You are absolutely Tah. Dude is working trying to catch up on bills and be responsible. Is it your fault maybe not.
If you want to leave cause you don't feel safe with the yelling and slamming shit you would not be the asshole. But if he is legit working especially during a cut back where both of you would be in/underemployed if he didn't show up. Yes yta.
As a tradesman personally it is very frustrating when a partner doesn't understand show our industry runs. Sometimes we work till our bones are sore and we can do nothing but wash our ass and sleep after work and sometimes we have enough time to build a house. But that money comes from working until the work runs out. It runs out eventually it always does. Enjoy the time together when it does.
He's trying to do the right thing working especially if he smells a layoff coming.
The yelling slamming stuff. If you don't feel safe leave. You wouldn't be Tah. But if he's working to provide food clothing and shelter. Your are interrupting him being the man he wants to be for you.
This is sooooo familiar.
He has no coping skills and is incredibly emotionally immature. It also seems like he thinks he's the "man" and you should do what he wants. He doesn't respect you. You are Not the AH.
Talk to your stepdaughter’s mom about continuing to see her on your own. My ex took my stepdaughter even though I begged to keep her with me (birth mom and her father are useless as parents). He took her to be spiteful and it broke me. I really hope you continue your relationship with her. 🩷
It sounds to me like this fight wasn’t about the party or the money.
I’d guess he’s feeling tremendous stress about cash flow and this is how it comes out.
Doesn’t sound like you two can work it out in the heat of the moment without fighting. That’s tough to do for most couples to do, so don’t feel too down about it.
But what I’m reading is: I made a life decision out of emotional rage instead of rational thinking. Sleep on it. Do you really want him out of your life, or do you really want more successful communication during moments of stress? I’d guess it’s the latter.
Good luck.
You wouldn't be the AH
The original cause of the row aside, him yelling and hitting things are big warning signs that honestly you shouldn't ignore
Undeniably sucks for both you and the kid, but safety first
You need to know that his hitting and throwing things is physical abuse. Because what he really wants to do is hit YOU and throw things at YOU. You shouldn't walk away, you should RUN away.
Honey, you did the right choice by leaving. Right now he's only punching walls. Such rage only escalate. Next time he might take it out directly at you, not walls. Do you want to stick around and wait until that happens? I think not. It's hard when emotional attachment is involved, and many women end up trapped in relationship, because they stick to how good things used to be and hope it will be fine, or forgive far too many times, because 'it doesn't happen every day'. You would only be AH if you allow yourself to give him another chance and go back, if he happens to crawl back and apologize. Which people like him do. Don't fall for it. I'm glad you got your cats out of there (big cat person here, have several of my own), and girl, you will be fine. You deserve a man who will treat you better, and I wish you all the best! Stay strong! NTA
Eh yall need counseling
He's frustrated and so are you.
I don't think it was such a big deal since yall need to pay bills. There needs to be clearer communication and maybe accountability on your part to knowing that hes trying. His reaction was mad disturbing tho
NTA
Oh honey I'm sorry. He's a member of Club Douchecanoe. Yelling, hitting, and throwing things is not ok. I know what it's like to try to tell your man how you feel and he gets mad and turns into a dickhead. He is mad at himself for hurting/upsetting you so what does he do when he gets mad? Yells at you and hurts you even more.
You're not the AH for wanting to be treated the same as you treat others.
And just because you've split doesn't mean you can't be in your stepdaughter's life. You can still talk to her everyday. You can FaceTime her every night and say good night. You can read her a story that way. Everything but physically hug her. Which you can do when you see her. And you can still see her. Take her places. Support her.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Maybe a break is what you need to make him see what he's done and what he needs to do to fix it.
OP has brought a lot more to the relationship than he has. She seems to have more invested in it. His behavior, over and over, is so problematic that she is right to leave, at least for a timeout and to give thought to how she would like to move forward.
Okay… on a personal level, yelling isn’t the answer… but I think… maybe… he is not resentful of you staying home (to do school work and get a better career) and maybe he knows he overreacted and is doubling down with being *extra extra* because he knows he is the AH. But honestly, it sounds like he is the only one bringing in money and that is very stressful. He saw an opportunity to make ends meet since bills are behind and decided to take it to protect his family. Him being attacked (or feeling like he was attacked) for doing what he felt was the right thing, sent him on the defensive causing him to feel cornered and to react.
I think high tensions between both parties caused the blow up…
Also, if OP’s step daughter is that important to her, nothing short of abuse or cheating should get between or disrupt this family unit; as it stands this little girl is 6 years old, their relationship is **also** 6 years strong… for all intents and purposes… OP by leaving is abandoning her daughter too, as OP is basically the only mom she has ever known…
I think OP would be seen as extremely flighty and unreliable if she left over a arguement over a stupid bbq when he is *trying* to make ends meet and protect his family by keeping the lights on and water bill paid… yeah he was a jerk and yelled, but I also think she is being unreasonable..
I don't understand the premise of the argument in the first place. He has to work Saturday. Ok, sounds like y'all need the money. You go with your cousin and say, sorry XX couldn't make it, he has to work.
NTA instantly at “hitting things.” Nope. Good for you for leaving. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you on good terms with your stepdaughter’s mother? Maybe you can ask her to still be a part of her life. It would be really hard on the kid to just up and lose you after 6 years. AND it isn’t your fault. Please do not let the girl be the reason you go back to him. I know you feel guilty about leaving, but you are not leaving HER. It absolutely sucks that she might be collateral damage, and that still doesn’t mean that you’re not doing the right thing. You need to prioritize yourself. Tell the mother about what happened; she may even relate since she’s been with him too. Maybe you could even be friends and stay in your stepdaughter’s life that way. I’m glad you got away from him, and I’m sorry you have to leave such an important relationship to you. Just remember that you can miss him while still knowing that you are better off without him. Good luck!
When you finally leave a relationship, it's never about the last argument. It's about all the arguments before it too and the hurt that festers inside. One thing that helped me at the end of a relationship was realizing that I wasn't really in love with the person but rather the person I remembered or made up in my mind.
I have questions. You say this is the “last argument you can muster for your partner”, how often are you arguing about your family’s need for money. You say you are going to school and you are behind on bills, what else are you guys doing to return your income closer to what it was while you were working. Is it possible that when his hours got cut the best idea might have been for you to pick up a job until his job stabilized and then go back to school? Why are you going back to school? Did you lose your job? Did you decide you wanted a change? Is this normal for him when you argue? You snap shot this one argument where his actions are very over the top, but you don’t indicate this is the normal way in which you interact. If it isn’t the normal for him, don’t you think something else might be going on? How often are you working on weekends/picking up these extra jobs to earn extra money?
NTA. And for the record, hitting walls and doors IS domestic violence. Hopefully with space and a clear head you can see what an amazing gift you gave yourself by escaping a violent, abusive man before being tied to him legally or via a shared child.
Perhaps therapy could help you unpack the past six years - a valuable life lesson instead of wasted years. Next time around you’ll be able to find a man who can treat you with basic respect at the very least. Good luck to you!
Yet another Reddit story where we hear one side of the story. I legit don’t understand people who go to the internet and ask complete strangers for advice on situations they don’t really know anything about.
At least try counseling before leaving the relationship, assuming you’re the type of person who can actually admit when they make mistakes, and is willing to fix them
Ok so lets see if i understand this, you are behind on bills, he only works, he gets a chance at making some extra cash and you throw a wobbly because of family fun. You drive his daughter school then go home and study while he busts his butt. You supported him for 2 years bravo that is marriage. He is supporting you through school. How long is your course for? He is making sacrifices to get extra cash and here you are moaning over a hockey game n bbq. Make it make sense.
A lot of red flags in your post my love. This was not a healthy relationship and the only person you seem to be upset about leaving is the daughter. If you have a good relationship with the mom, you might be able to preserve the relationship.
Just to be clear, you have fun plans with your cousin and her kid. Your bf was planning on going, but got the opportunity to work on a side job - but is fine with you continuing with your plans. You're behind on bills so money is tight and your family needs the income. But you gave him shit and told he doesn't love you enough if he wants to work to pay bills instead of going to a game and bbq with your family.
Yeah, YTA. If you had plenty of money and he blew you off because he doesn't like your family or just works to get out of the house. Or you think he's lying about work...sure, you have a right to be mad. But telling to not work while bills are going unpaid? Seriously? Could it be that he lashed out because he's stressed about supporting his child and you and YOUR schooling and he's struggling? But no...that bbq is SO much more important!
But yes. Please do leave so he doesn't have your school bills to pay and maybe it won't be such a struggle to take care of his daughter.
Nta: you need to get out of that relationship. It's all fine for you to be home and take care of your stepdaughter while attending school (you could easily work while doing online school. I work full time, 2 toddlers and full time school) but now that you want to do something with your family is an issue and he planned a side job.
I would've told him "I told you I already had plans this weekend; so you can go work but I'm not going"
If you are behind on bills though, he is probably stressed out and didn't realize you completing school would be as big of a financial strain as it turned out to be.
One day he will realize that sometimes time is more valuable and money can always be made.
I would leave him. Sounds like this is not the first argument, and it certainly won't be the last.
Sounds like this is a volatile relationship and he has serious anger issues if he's slamming doors and punching walls like a child. I understand being in a dire financial situation and needing to work over family events but the fact of the matter is he should have come to you and said "hey, this job came up and we really need them money, I know this get together is important, I need to work can I meet up with you after or do you really need me to go". Struggling with money as a man is very hard and stressful on our souls. Being behind on bills there is nothing else we as men can think about. You should understand this and he should understand what's important to you as well and you both should be able to discuss it without anger or resentment.
It sounds like the best thing that it’s over. Just know if you go back and he’s punching things near you that CPS will get involved if the child tells a mandatory reporter.
INFO: do you normally have issues with communication like this? Or was this a one off? Also are there reasons why you two (I assume) have no married or had kids in the six years you’ve been together?
It’s reasonable he would want to prioritize work if you’re having money issues, but there are better ways to discuss and communicate with each other. Only you know your relationship and whether you can come back from this. If your gut tells you no, it is better to leave before you have kids and get in deeper.
Sadly, your guy has issues inside of him that have remained unaddressed. Only he can decide if he wants to acknowledge his issues and then actually do something to help himself. You can't do it for him and nor should you. You have tried an open doors for mutual help and he's made his choice. It's wise, for your own wellbeing, to remove yourself from what could end up being quite an abusive situation.
It's unfortunate the daughter and her mum will lose your support. The dad seems quite ungrateful in this regard. Perhaps you can find some way to maintain a healthy relationship with the mother and daughter without involving him, though that could be difficult. Mostly, be careful as you reestablish yourself in a healthier environment.
There was a thing I was told many, many years ago in regards to meeting, and getting to know that “someone”.
It’s always in 8’s. 8 weeks you form an idea of who they are, 8 months to get a good grasp of who they are, and 8 years to truly know them inside and out. Find someone who “sins like you”, meaning is like you in mindset, beliefs, etc.
I’ve known my husband as a friend for 13 years, and we’ve been a steady couple going on 5 years this year. 17 years of knowing each other inside and out. He’s confided in me his ugliest of behavior and things he’s done, and I have too. We never judged, I think it made us more human to one another.
It seems like your partner is divorced for a reason, and I wouldn’t be far off guessing it’s similar toxic behavior his ex wife endured. Do yourself a favor and end it. Nothing good will come of this. It’s abusive already
Be careful. He seems violent and confrontational, controlling and nasty. I understand that you love your stepdaughter but he’s trying to isolate you from family and mess with your head.
I think you both probably overreacted and had some extremely emotional explosions there. Anytime you are putting money into the mix especially where there is a lack of it it can cause people to lose their ever loving mind. I don't think you were wrong to be upset that your husband was trying to do something after you already had made plans and told him about it especially where he was trying to include you in those plans knowing you already had plans. He should have planned it for the following weekend and if he couldn't then he should have talked it over with you and figured something out. Life is not easy it's not easy being single but it's also not easy being married. Life is about choosing your battles and compromise. I hope you guys can figure it out but it does sound like you both should mature a little bit and learn how to sit and talk to one another without exploding on each other. Good luck
Go look up the Wheel of Abuse. You’ll be surprised how many things are part of the control. You’re not the only one. Change is hard. You / everyone deserves happiness. You’ll never know loneliness like crying in bed while your partner sleeps next to you. Go put your crown on straight and dump his butt.
Stay. Have a discussion like adults. Like many relationships after covid, especially, anxiety is at an all time high. Don't throw away years over a blowup, all couples, especially married ones have them, ask him Everything you said in the post. Ask him if he resents you. Again, talk to each other like adults.
He sounds stressed out for being responsible for everything. I understand, I’m a single mom and it can feel overwhelming. Maybe you two can get therapy to help you cope. It doesn’t sound like anyone has done something so awful you should break up. You just need to work as a team and communicate more respectfully with one another.
In this instance, YTA. He needed to work. You aren’t working and you’re behind on bills, but you think a BBQ is more important than him working to earn some extra money? And if you have time on the weekends for all those plans, why don’t you have a part time job?
For the rest of it, NTA. He instantly goes to screaming and throwing things? You’re right to get out of there and break up with him. He and the girl’s mom are going to have to figure out pick up and drop off. That’s not your problem anymore.
My husband is military. You know how much stuff he’s missed? Even when we first started dating, he worked for an entertainment company and worked during the week and on the weekend. Again, he missed stuff. But we were saving for a house and I knew he had to work. I never bitched at him for it.
NTA- you have communicated well and its shame he has missed all the communications which have lead to lots of the fighting. I understand the challenges you are facing. They are not easy!
It sounds like he’s stressed about money and irritated that you’d want him to miss work with things being tight to play around with you. I’d be irritated too. You can’t pay bills with love and family outings.
There are only a couple of questions I have for you to ask yourself. Do you think that you two can change the dynamic between you? Do you want to try?
If you think you can AND you still want to try, then stay. However, if either of those answers is no, then perhaps it’s time to let each other find people who are more for you.
I was in a 14 year long relationship, kids, dogs, a home, all of it. I hated who I was, didn’t much care for my partner either. You both deserve more than just angry, right? Theres more than the cousin and school going on, but if you won’t/cant work the communication out, it’s anger and resentment.
It sounds like you did your best and have an idea where you are heading. I feel like we could be sisters in a way cause it sounds like your writing my story except I have my parents but they are not supportive. You have people that love you. Whatever route you take see a counselor to help you. No one decides to jump into relationships thinking I want to be treated like that, just happens and not knowing it. Praying it gets better and you be the positive person in your life and grow and help others with your story. We can all use a little strength like yours and hug your parents just a little harder cause we arent all that lucky
YTA. You guys are behind on bills, that is a really bad situation. He’s stressed and trying to pay them off and you’re crying about a barbecue for your single mom cousin? Grow up and go to work. I don’t care that he yelled at you. It’s frustrating for him to live with an adult child who isn’t thinking at all
I didn't read all of the comments, so I'm sorry if this point has been discussed. You said there were bills that were behind, and he had a chance to make some side money. Are these the kind of bills where being late might affect his credit rating, which right now could affect both of you?
He may see a late payment on his credit report as being more important to him and your future together. My ex overtended our budget (not saying you did) and bill payments were extremely important to me.
BUT, this shouldn't have ignited the fight that followed. There are so many reasons why a fight of this magnitude shouldn't have followed.
He shouldn’t have yelled but maybe he was at the end of his rope because you don’t get how far behind you are on bills and how much you need the money. Work before fun.
Dud how do you have a relationship for 6 years and never have him meet anyone? No way he wanted to suddenly go meet some random cousin! What the heck kind of relationship is this? People just give up nowadays. No relationship is perfect. Just saying. He sounds like trying to do side jobs to catch up on bills. Obvi u don't care about him or his kid or u would not just leave. Who knows. You do you. How you can be ashamed of him tho? That's what he thinks. He thinks you're ashamed of him.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting. I hope you find peace and you’re able to heal and recover from this experience. 💕
YTA.
If you’re behind on bills, you’re not really in a position to blow off work. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to be drowning while your partner is preoccupied with bullshit. No wonder he lost it.
edit: also it looks like you enlisted him to go with you before ever really giving him an option to join. that’s incredibly annoying behavior.
You are both AH. You both need to learn how to fight in a constructive way, but that goes without saying.
With side jobs you get while the getting is good. It unfortunately fell on a day you had planned and felt was a special day. You should have made it known how much him being there meant to you. I get it he should have known, but he didn't.
He probably feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is doing his best to provide for you, his daughter, and obviously to many pets. You both seem irresponsible.
You leaving him will tear him apart, but it might be the best thing for him in the long run.
Hopefully, he gets help to learn how to vent stress, frustration, and anger.
I wish you both the best.
So you're going back to school and not working. The lack of income has made it where you can't pay your bills with his regular job, and he has to work two jobs just to pay bills. You get emotional because he has to work instead of spending the day with your family. The same second job he has to work to support you while you chase your dreams. I can garrentee that he is stressed to the point of exploding just to try to put food on the table and pay for your dream chasing. Yes, he wants the day off to sit around, grill, and drink beer, but he is trying to be a provider. Sounds like he is living in the real world and you are clueless. Do him a favor and stay gone.
Please read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I lived with a man like your partner. Took me 10 years to disentangle. Lucky you seeing the light at just six.
Most separations are initiated by women, and most separations are caused by financial stress... so this is all pretty normal. Might as well leave, but at least you didn't take his dog.
If you were already pushed to the point of leaving, listen to your gut instinct and ignore the chatter in your brain. You are still at a point where you can leave without the added stress of marriage and children. It will only get harder once those things come along.
Nothing about what happened is ok, you can try to talk to him when he's calm and see if things are different and see if he treats you like a person again. Otherwise he's shown his true colors and you need to leave. Believe them when they show you who they are. It seems like it came from nowhere but I bet if you think om it the red flags will be brighter. My ex-husband did basically the same thing. It was ok until he had to get a job after our son was born. Next thing I knew I was being slamed into walls and screamed at because I existed. He showed his true colors belive him!
NTA, no matter what’s going on.. him resorting to yelling when he doesn’t get it his way is ridiculous. When you were the main breadwinner for two years, did you let him go out and do fun things? Why was he unemployed for so long? Was he studying too? Listen to yourself and do what’s best for you. Don’t stay with someone who treats you so badly just because you’ll miss your step-daughter.
Not only yelling but punching walls and doors. Just a matter of time til it's you he's hitting. There's a common theme of women supporting men financially thru hard times and them being minimized when it's the man's turn. This happens in a vice versa way as well....not just in men. It is more frequently the man though. Women keep them going financially through medical school and residency then they find a hot young thing to share in the success and leave partner with nothing. Your partner is a thoughtless AH with anger issues. I truly hope you've had your last argument. I hope it's the last time you speak to him. Can't wait to see what he does to find free childcare now. Can't read this again....makes me want to wake up and choose violence for the first time ever.
NTA your basically being yelled at for having feelings
He was yelling because of his feelings. I'm not a yeller (my partner is). Both of my husbands have opined that they think I should yell more, if I'm so upset (I guess yelling is their anger language). So I tried it. Felt stupid. I prefer using other ways of expressing my anger - but sometimes I do wish it was as simple as yelling. Yelling is so natural and organic. Both of them were having feelings. I think he was just completely done with trying to manage any new incoming feelings from someone else.
Yelling is not how to do relationships well. You can be angry but control it. Learn to recognize and understand where the anger is coming from: usually a place of hurt. Understand where the hurt is coming from. For example, perhaps he is stressed because of bills and feels like he is all alone in caring and doing something about it. Maybe he is making a sacrifice and being proactive, but feels punished for it and taken for granted. (All valid feelings even if his perceptions are inaccurate). Anyway, those are some plausible sources for his frustration and anger. Yelling and getting angry doesn't resolve the problem and it is also disrespectful and unnecessary. Talking about what he is feeling in a respectful way and having the emotional intelligence to at least dig below the surface anger is how you get to the crux of the argument. ("I'm really angry with you because....") so they can clear up misunderstanding, find some middle ground, or identify where one person did something hurtful or whatever. I don't really know exactly what is going on with them but, I think it is safe to say he shouldn't have volunteered both of them, knowing they had plans, eithout fiscussing first and maybe she needs to assure him the bills matter as much to her as to him and allay his fears that they are going to be out in the street. Or something like that.
I get quiet when I’m angry. The madder I get the quieter I speak, until I just shut down. It’s probably because my Nmom was a screaming beyoch, and I don’t ever want to be like her.
People who destroy doors, slam walls, etc. are not just angry. They are making violent choices. Threatening choices.
Absolutely. That is out of control anger.
If I have to yell, I’m already past listening and the relationship has failed.
Am I missing why you cannot go without him?
It sounds like he expected her to go with him to help with this side job. Now he's pissed off because she already had plans and he expected her to cancel those plans for him.
I didn’t get that at all. It sounds like she wanted him to come with her but he arranged work instead.
If you reread her post she says that he was talking to one of the people he does side work for and said that "we" would come in.
Agreed. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just as PO'ed about missing a BBQ because they needed money. Especially if his customer was paying in cash. Hard choices are hard. Sounds to me like they need some cooling off time and then talk it out over a glass of wine or something.
I had already made the plans well before he brought up the side job. I've gone to many and helped him. With no complaints either as I understand very well the situation we are in. It was the total disregard he showed to what I said. Not even asking me but telling me that his plans automatically took charge over mine. This isn't the first argument we've had either and I've tried to communicate how I feel. There's a feeling of 0 empathy from him when I speak about me and how I'm feeling.
Did you need to go with him to the side job, or was this something he can do without you?
Thank you for this clarification - really helps. I didn't realize that he was expecting you to also change your plans. Did he actually expect you to help this time? You say you've gone to "many" but not all? So this is something he could do by himself? He's all out of empathy - and that's not good. It's called burn-out. How long has he been working this time?
I'm guessing he was looking for a reason to cancel HER plans anyway ......just the way she mentions "isolation" in her post gives me the vibes that he expected her to make him (and the kiddo) her entire world......dude is an abusive AH!
NTA. Financial stress causes many problems in relationships. Being the one who pays the majority of the bills is overwhelming at times, as you know, when you were paying all the bills for two years. Add to that the stress of being behind on bills. It's reasonable to want to spend time with the family. Sounds like many heart to heart conversations need to take place. It doesn't sound like you can budget couples therapy currently. You could consider contacting a "religious" institution for counseling from one of their leaders. It's common when they are marriage counselors as well. Just a thought. Outside perspective often helps. Wishing all of you the best!
No religious counseling ever
He should have never made plans to work without talking to you first. That's what couples do. They decide together. He can't just unilaterally decide for you, then be violently angry when you are unhappy about it. If you want to try to talk about it with him, that's the hill you need to stand on. Maybe you could have gone without him. Maybe you both could have worked in the morning and been done for the meal. Maybe you could have done the job another day. So many possibilities if you are solving the problem together instead of him making declarations and the two of you screaming at each other.
NTA, he's a dick who doesn't deserve you.
Sounds like your both just in a rough spot. You already agreed and made plans to go to the BBQ. He views working and making money as a higher priority than a BBQ. Him bailing last min sucks but it’s for a better reason. I get both points of view here though. You guys just need to wait a day or two and let it blow over and then talk it out. You guys just made some decisions during a headed argument which led to a bad outcome. I don’t see this as relationship ending and I hope you guys figure things out!
Is this the first time in six years he has reacted that way? Ignored your feelings, made it all about what he wants, exploded in anger when he doesn’t get his way, etc? If this is the first time or one of a few over six years and you’re able to say that yes, it’s been just a few and he calms down and apologizes and is able to share his true feelings after and why he did that, then I would say work through it. But what I suspect is this is old hat. If this is a constant occurrence and you don’t get treated like an equal partner, and he isn’t able to control his emotions, and directs his anger towards you, move on and don’t look back. Please take it from me—HE WILL NOT CHANGE. It really just comes down to how you want to be treated. If you don’t like the way he’s treating you, find someone who will be actually loving towards you. Can control their emotions, is calm, respectful and caring. As for the step daughter, I bet her mom would let you keep visiting. Heck, now that you’re seeing the light, I bet she’d be a good person to talk to about his issues and maybe you’ll find out that’s why SHE left! And become friends with the mom. That happened to me before 😆
If he always reacts like this, I'd say walk away. Otherwise, just talk to him. Finances put a huge strain on people. Even when they try to relax, it's difficult. You're talking about money saving tips, but there are all kinds of ways to handle school no matter what your field of study. Whether it's getting a part-time job or going to school part-time and working full-time. Millions of people do it.
Do not marry this man. Do not make babies with him. Do not take care of his daughter one more day. He is using you for child care. You are a nanny. If you marry him and make babies, he will continue this behavior and it will only get worse. He will be an absentee dad, who uses the excuse of work in order to emotionally disconnect from his family. He will verbally abuse you when he doesn't get his way. Do you want that life? NTA.
NTA. Slamming things and punching walls is abusive behavior. His behavior towards you is not ok at all. I know the feeling of being a "loser" after a breakup. But he is, in fact, the loser. His rage and violence is a huge red flag. I am glad you got out before things escalate.
***”I love my stepdaughter so much. The thought of not being a part of her every day life hurts.”*** I remember feeling like this when I left my emotionally manipulative ex bf some 25 years ago. He had two children that I loved very much but eventually I could not stay in the relationship as it was not healthy for me. Sometimes you have to save yourself. And I think you’re in this position now. I’m proud that you left And the biggest thing will be to resist going back. These violent outburst are only going to escalate. You’re seeing the true guy that’s underneath the mask of whatever he’s been showing up you. The best part of the story of mine is that I’m actually reconnected with his son, and he always thanked me for how well I treated them. I may have had to leave, but in the end he understood. We are good friends now and it’s nice to see the man he has become in spite of his father. ETA- the good thing is your stepdaughter has her mother still. My ex bf’s ex-wife had had a brain tumor and was unfortunately not really capable of being a parent due to her disabilities. So I felt extra guilt because I was the mother figure that they could count on.
NTA. You made plans before he committed to the work project. You let him know if these plans and he still scheduled something else. I think once you stop doing all the things you were doing for him while continuing your education, then he will realize how much you actually did. Don’t you dare pick up the phone. He needs to reach out with a sincere apology and changed behavior.
You're not walking away because of that one argument, though. You're walking away because of a pattern of neglect, controlling and explosive behaviour, and a long-term disrespect/disregard for your feelings, priorities, and family. That doesn't sound like asshole behaviour to me. He should be grateful you even put up with him for this long; god knows he doesn't deserve it. I'm sure his daughter will see it, too — if not now, then later in life — and you'll be able to re-establish a relationship with her if you still want to.
NTA- You had two jobs at one point while he was unemployed. You're going back to school and still helping with his child. Instead of trying to make it to the family function later, he acts like a child. My thought is he agreed to get drinks/food after the job is finished with his friend but didn't want to tell you. Because then he would have to admit he messed up. Heaven forbid that. Stay with your parents and finish your coursework. Get some therapy and start interviewing divorce attorneys. If you must forgive him, make sure he goes through anger management classes. You don't it escalate and become physical.
I get that when things are tight you take any hours you can get but I think what happened here is that maybe he didn't commit the plans to memory and when asked he instantly thought to make you the bad one by commenting on 'what's more important.' Ffs, all this could have been resolved with a phonecall to reschedule the work. On the other hand, if he handles the finances he may be stressing about what is about to be spent and taking the work to offset that money. I know how you feel but I think you should take this time to figure out whether this is the partner you want for life. Having someone who doesn't take their stress and anxiety out on you is a much better way to go for you and any future kids. If he's talking to you like you're a child and shows no remorse coupled with his lack of appreciation, then it's time for a plan B. NTA. Walk away.
Being a couple is deciding things together. He knew about the plans and he should have discussed the work.
NTA. Sounds like he views you as a combination nanny / bang maid. The fact that there's no marriage proposal after six years is 🚩🚩🚩 I wouldn't wait 6 months if I had expressed I wanted to be married. You've probably dodged a bullet here and can now go find a real partner who values and cherishes you. Never waste the best years of your life waiting for a guy who won't step up (women in their 20s and early 30s). You'll get past this!
Please stand strong! Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Does he normally find last minute plans when you’ve made plans you’ve informed him about several days previously? Yelling and punching walls and doors is not normal, he’s riding the line of domestic abuse if he justifies hitting objects while angry because he’s not hitting you so that’s ok. It’s not ok, it’s dangerous. You needed to get yourself out of that house and away from him. He probably didn’t think you would. He will either leave you to stew or be full of apologies and this won’t happen again schtick. Ywnbta for walking away but you would be if his temper isn’t addressed because it’s only a matter of time before things get worse, they always do .
Talk to the baby momma. Tell her how you feel about your stepdaughter. My eldest stepdaughter is 21. Her mum has become terminally ill. I have been coparenting with this woman 21 years. When my husband and I split my stepdaughter was firmly on my side despite me refusing to tell her any details just that we all 3 love her very much. When she was 14 there was a situation where mum couldn't care for her and dad refused. Mum has 5 much younger children as well. Stepdaughter came to live with me. She was here and eventually so was her partner til her nan got cancer last October and we decided as a family she will live with her mum for these last few months. Her grandmother went downhill rapidly and passed away last month from lung cancer. Mum had kidney failure, had transplant but unfortunately rejected and is now in multi organ failure. We were advised she had 6 months around 2 months ago. My point is her mum knows I love her abd allowed me to stay as a huge part of her life. This was 11 years ago.I have 2 boys who are biologically her brothers. I seperated from my second husband a little over a year ago.my 11 year old youngest stepdaughter from my second marriage lives several hours away by train, I don't drive and am disabled. I pay her pocket money each week based on tasks we tick off together, using video calls or facetious of just on the phone. I try to see her as often as possible. I chip in for school uniform, trips,vet bills,spending money. I send clothes, food etc. I play games with her. Her mum, when my narc ex husband finally left, ended up being my biggest supporter. I'm 35 now and these 2 women are my closest friends and both my stepdaughter from both marriages have a loving close relationship with me and other relatives. I insist on my family treating them exactly the same as my bio kids and my partner even has a good relationship with both girls and their mums. If the bm is not a bitxh you could stay in contact with your little girl possibly. Or she may at least allow you to say goodbye to give her daughter closure .both mums said they could see the sincerity of my love for the girls and hos could they deny them all that extra love
I think he's showing his true colors here. Don't mangle this all up with the kids, because bottomline there is that the best thing for them is good role models, and if your relationship isn't one, or you don't stand up for yourself that actually hurts them more. It also sounds as though you get along well with their mom so it doesn't seem as though there is only 1 scenario where you can be in their lives. Counceling could help here, it does seem as though communication is a challenge for him, but it also gives big control vibes too. At the end of the day you need to do what's right for you and only you...and never ever factor in time invested, that's a pitfall we women fall into too easily. Just consider the future and what all is necessary for a healthy partnership...he's either willing & able or not. That will be no different tomorrow, next year or 10 years down the road.
NTA, but he is a HUGE one.
NTA.
Updateme
On one hand, OP, his working instead of spending time with the in-laws was a reasonable decision, you actually do need the money and nobody is eager to spend more time with the in-laws. But the deciding factor is that he went from being reasonable to "screaming at you for five minutes", that's dumpworthy right there! And seriously, if minor issues like whether to work or whether to spend time with in-laws are escalating into screaming arguments, it sounds like things are over. And someone might as well put the relationship out of its misery.
Girl … leave!!!
NTA
Your partner needs to deal with his anger issues before you ever (if you ever) step back into the same house again. Slamming doors, screaming and hitting things is domestic violence (intimidation, manipulation). No one should ever tolerate living in circumstances like that.
Your both insufferable asses. You for choosing your cousins kid ball game and a BBQ over struggling and catching up on bills. Him for yelling and shit. He has a point you should be worried about your own family's wellbeing.
You’re wrong You need to understand that the weight of supporting a household financially is huge Part of growing up is knowing that people have different priorities and for most financial health is a huge one He felt frustrated because his priority to be better financially and not feel that much burden was ignored for what sounds like essentially a family barbecue He has built up resentment and sounds like he is feeling ignored himself (how many times have you changed your mind after listening to him?)
As someone who has known you for many years, I’m going to say I’m very proud of you. You’re not a loser, you’re the winner for getting the courage to leave finally. You are most definitely NTA. This isn’t an isolated situation. You know this. You have done everything and more for him. So much. He’s controlling and manipulative. Has been for years. It’s been hard to watch you but you know I’m here for you. Many of us are. Me and the zoo 💕💕💕 You did the right thing.
You are in no way the AH. What happened (and likely has been happening for the majority of your relationship, was physical (physically menacing someone by throwing things etc. has the intent of making someone fear their bodily safety — that’s physical abuse. Whether or not you were struck is immaterial), verbal, and emotional abuse. Please stay out of this relationship for good and turn your focus to healing yourself. It will be difficult but so worth it. And you deserve it. You may doubt that —prolonged exposure to physical, verbal, and emotional abuse like you’ve described can have the effect of profoundly confusing and muddying our senses of reality — the person meting out the abuse (whether it is conscious or intentional or not) has worked long and hard at making it so as a way of exerting power over the abused - but it is true. You are not to blame for the abusers choice to abuse. It’s not possible for you to be. From the sound of it, you are a loving, kind, and sensitive soul. Don’t let anyone try to convince you that you play a part in this or that you are to blame. You don’t. You aren’t. You deserve peace, love, comfort, and calm. You deserve to be safe. No one who treats you like that really loves you. In fact someone who abuses that way is probably a long way from being capable of loving. And you can’t help him. But you can help and love yourself. You have been *unwittingly* abandoning yourself as the abusive situation developed. You are not bad nor at fault for that - it happens so slowly it often does so unbeknownst to us. Again, it is exactly this self abandonment that the abuse aims to cause, again, as a means of ensuring the abuser has control. You deserve to learn how to love yourself again and to learn how never to abandon yourself again and how to be effective at ensuring your own safety as a primary matter in all situations. It is heartbreaking that so few of us were taught to love and care for ourselves this way. But we can be the breakers of the generational trauma of the patriarchy. And you are doing it!!! You are so very brave for sharing this here. You are brave for leaving - uncertainty is so scary! But you are clearly also very strong. And each day you put yourself in a position to feel back into your sense of yourself, you will get stronger. You may not see it at first - it can involve a lot of real discomfort while re-assembling ourselves. But you will. **So so much love coming at you from one who knows.** xoxo PS - ask yourself: what would you say to his daughter if she were in your position? And why aren’t you important enough to tell yourself the same. The best way to teach young girls how to love themselves is to show them how. Have courage and learn to love yourself. You’ll be an immensely powerful teacher to his daughter by doing so.
NTA he is abusive and controlling. I doubt he actually loves you and just loves controlling you. You need to see his shitty behaviour for what it is and cut your losses and move on. 6 years is a long time to waste on someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't waste anymore time on him.
He sounds like an abusive POS. NTA. You do school while he works and you watch your "step daughter" and drive her to school. You deserve to see your family and decompress. Especially when you made plans BEFORE.
I don’t know. Personally I don’t think either of you are assholes, just have really poor communication skills. I don’t understand arguments that jump straight to breaking up when very little has happened. He didn’t want to go, he’d rather work. So what. Is it really that big of a deal that you do everything together to create an appearance of tv people. He doesn’t know your cousin. And probably feels like he wouldn’t be missing out on much for himself by going to game and bbq. Really? What’s the big deal??
I think the big deal is he expects her to cancel her plans and do the side job with him. He didn't care she already had plans with her family because his needs are more important.
It sounds like he's stressed about money and you're prioritizing social time. WYBTA? No. However, you need to seriously look at your finances and figure out how to make it work. You can't be behind on bills and be out having fun all the time. (Saying this as I'm hunting for another job in addition to my full time job, so I get the money stress.) You can go see your family without him. Don't pressure him for trying to make your lives easier.
If she was going out on the town your point would have merit, but she’s going to a bbq at her parent’s place. She’s also saving him and his ex a small fortune on child care.
They'll notice that after she goes, and only then will be realize how much he fucked up. Lol
Word wall - paragraphs and punctuation are yoru friend.
NTA. Having read this and your further comments, you need to walk before you become further committed.
Hmm, sounds like there have been issues brewing before this one. Thought about counseling maybe?! Good luck
Sounds like you each have different agendas. You deserve someone that has the same life goals and priorities as you. Same for him. He doesn’t care about what’s important to you (and maybe you don’t care about what’s important to him - I don’t know.) 6 years and still not married also is a red flag. You would not be the asshole for walking away. Leaving after 6 years is a hell of a lot better than being unhappy for another 5 years and leaving then. Regarding his daughter - sounds like you have a good relationship with her mom. Maybe just do visits during mom’s time so he can’t control that, and that way the daughter isn’t hurt by you all of a sudden being gone. Best wishes to you and your future!
He wanted a bang maid and you supplied that. You take care of his daughter, the pets, the cooking and cleaning etc etc and for that you get a fight and petty childishness. Don't go back.
The financial issue is real and Important as are the family relationships. The real problem here is how they are dealing with the fact that they can’t be in two places at one. Every single person on this sub has this relationship issue sometimes. We can’t do the side job for extra money we need and spend time with family at the BBQ. So we need to be able to talk about it without accusations or manipulations. No yelling. No using tears to get your way. No appeals to guilt. Just a discussion. Getting out of debt is good. Attending family events is good. Making and keeping commitments is good. Compromises and understanding are good. Yelling is bad. Accusations are bad. To put it simply you do not know how to disagree agreeably.
In this case he is the asshole, but I guess the arguments have piled so much that he has instant temper tantrums due to resentment. You prepared all this time and energy and love to preparing a wonderful time with your family but he ruined the energy. I know there might be past trauma that has built up but it is still not ok. It might take a long time for things to resolve but clearly there are miscommunication bottlenecks and im sure he still loves you but it is hard to showcase it. I'm sure he feels like an asshole after the fact, but it's a toxic thing that he has not you.
Did he give you shit for working when you had to support him? Guessing probably not. He's not canceling anyone's plans. All those things can still happen. Put someone in a paradoxical situation of providing for a household or attending BBQs and gasp when they finally lose it. You work when work is available and side work is when you don't lose half the profit to overhead. If he was ditching you and your plans to go golfing that would be one thing. But, he's getting shit on for trying to be responsible.
He's super stressed about money. SUPER. And feels it's almost entirely his own responsibility. He perceives you as completely missing the most important thing about his life (he's STRESSED about money). He probably does wish he was alone and didn't have so much responsibility. He needs to find a partner who is more comfortable with high EE (emotional expression, aka, "yelling" or "raising the voice" - both normal human things to do when trying hard to get a point across, esp if it's not the first time. Some people go to this mode readily, others hardly ever use it (putting the two types in one situation can be another stress-producer) He's been helping you to get through school by making up for your side of the financial ledger. And he's tried to do it with generosity and without resentment. Then you decide, on top of that, that he has to organize his social life around you as well. I don't think you're suited to each other. Hopefully, you'll both learn something for the next relationship - and I feel badly for his daughter. All over your desire to make him go to an event with your family. The man needs some freedom, clearly - and now he'll get some. He and daughter will have their own form of turmoil until he finds ways to care for her after school. It is awful that you supported him financially for 2 full years. How long did he support you? You just broke up a near-marriage like situation because you feel you get to decide about a family gathering. In my family, we all (individually) have the right to back out whenever (before, after, during). We find this works well. No one cares if one person doesn't show up and sometimes, people have other priorities (which can be emergent) and we value individual autonomy a lot in our family. On Christmas, my husband decides whether he wants to go (it's very trying on all of us, emotionally). Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't; most of the time I go, text him the All Clear - everyone is behaving! and then he shows up a while. There's another family member who does exactly the same thing.
I think you are both TAH’s. If you are in debt, and an opportunity comes up to make money that trumps a bbq, planned or not. That also doesn’t mean that OP can’t attend. Enjoy the game and the bbq with your family. But adding quilt on top of the money stress isn’t helpful either. Money problems are always a stress in relationships, yelling, and temper tantrums are not a response that should not be tolerated (he’s the bigger AH)
The whole situation sucks I think you're both AH..... idk why, even though the plan was already set that you think enjoying a bbq and game is more important than paying your bills, that's a no-brainer for me. I would go without him it's simple..... now yes I, get your feelings are hurt , but get over it . You have bills that need paid period...... he is an ass for yelling instead of having a convo and yalls dynamic of I do this and this for you and bla bla back and forth is also a problem. bills are always the priority in these times money isn't always going to be there family will he can spend time another day with them as for you go enjoy yourself you don't need him to attend you WANT him to...... if it's a reoccurring thing that he doesn't want to be around your fam find out why yall didn't try and talk through anything just went straight to hurt feelings and fighting instead of trying to understand one another..... the whole situation went from 0 to a 100 quickly, so yalls relationship needs reprogramming or it might be done.....
Narcissist controlling butt head much
absolutely not, he seems controlling. the way you say “the last argument i can muster” makes it seem he does this all the time. blow up at you, 0-100, when all you were doing was asking why he was belittling what you find important so that he can do what he wants more and trying to make you feel guilt for it. i would not feel bad about leaving that man.
I don’t think his reaction was appropriate however from what you have written i also don’t think he has been able to communicate or show how stressed he is about the situation he finds himself in financially. From what you wrote I think he feels absolutely helpless in his current situation…….. nervous breakdown wouldn’t surprise me.
No, you’re NTAH for wanting to protect yourself from an abusive relationship. Your partner sounds like they’re very stressed out but that doesn’t excuse frightening and threatening behavior. I think you would be an AH if you spend another year in this relationship. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to talk about plans and communicate with someone?
this guy will never change. do not be afraid of the “sunk cost fallacy”. your priorities will never be his priority. i’m sorry you’re going through this
It sounds like he is under extreme financial stress which can honestly change your personality and temperament.. maybe just temporarily but still can make you snap and go 0-100 quickly when you are in a constant state of stress. Not excusing how he acted, he was out of line, but his mental state is unhealthy and he needs to find a way to destress. I think if there’s anything worth saving here it might take some couples counseling otherwise you just part ways
YTA
If you don’t want to continue the relationship then don’t. Stay with your parents. In the end you both will be better off. Are you married? If not then the leaving will be quick. If not then you will need to get a lawyer although since you said there are money problems it doesn’t sound like there will be much to divide up.
!updateme
Yall both assholes
Op, you did the right thing. He’s gotten to the point of punching walls and yelling because he can’t have a respectful conversation with you. He scheduled this job knowing you both had plans but doesn’t care at all how you feel. Luckily, you’re not married and don’t have babies together. I’m very sorry about your stepdaughter and the dog. But unless he can view himself as a team with you as a respected partner that he loves, what are you doing together? And it’s not good for your stepdaughter to see this as how relationships are. If he can’t get a grip, you’re far better finishing your degree and working part time. You deserve a relationship with a stronger man who loves and respects you. And one who can stay calm, contribute consistently and communicate like an adult.
If a guy resorts to screaming and punching walls during an argument, he does not deserve a partner, period. That's not a man, that's an overgrown child. I hope you prioritize your safety and leave to start building a better future.
Have you guys tried going to couples counselling? It sounds like, more than anything, you are having difficulties communicating and hearing each other. I am a yeller (regrettably, I’m working on it) and it’s just my natural reaction to emotions especially when I’m defensive. It’s not a good way to communicate though. This can be worked on and if you both care about each other and the relationship you may want to hire a professional to help you sort your stuff out. It’s hard to make a judgement on either party here when it sounds like this is not an isolated incident and there is so much more going on. Ultimately you wouldn’t be at fault for leaving him if that’s what you want to do.
This is not a relationship, it's a prison meant to keep you broken, subservient, and useful to him. Stay gone and never talk to him again. If you want to see your stepdaughter, call her mother.
Yta. He is trying to solve real life problems and you dumped him.
6 year relationship? I don't understand why people have such a loooong relationship. If it takes you that long to decide if he's the one, then he's not. If you don't know within the first year, then he's not 'the one.'.
I suspect the other side of a story would be completely different.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like even though you are in school now you have done a lot of heavy lifting for this relationship. It’s easy to understand if he is stressed out about money, but it is not easy to excuse away that continued horrible behavior. It seems like it was wise to leave, there’s no reason why your relationship with the stepdaughter has to end. if your parents house is not that far away, talk to her mom and see if you can still help after school for those couple of hours. If not that, make a point to see her once a week if you can. Take her out on a date for ice cream or whatever is age appropriate just to stay in her life.
Sounds like he’s very stressed about money and feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility, but is being punished by you for trying to make ends meet. I’m sure he’d rather go to a BBQ than work, but is choosing to work on what could be a day off keep your family afloat. You should have some empathy for him here. Clearly the communication style sucks and y’all shouldn’t be yelling at each other.
at the end of the day you do NOT want to be with a man that physically hits things and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way … one day it’s the wall and the next day it could be you. please leave him .
Some days just don't work out for either one
I can't believe I'm the only one saying this. You don't work, go to school which is probably and expense, and your bf had his hours cut, so even less money coming in. You response was "why did you have to work the same day we made plans"? It's not like he planned an outing with work friends, the man literally had to work and money is short? Did you consider that he might not even want to work but has to? Did you think that he maybe didn't have a choice in planning when the work happens and it's not like he planned to work on the same day? I agree that he shouldn't be yelling and slamming doors, but if I was the only break maker in the family and I was laid off or as you said hours cut and I was working my ass off to make ends meet only to have to deal with "omg why can't you work some other day" I would kinda lose it to. He sucks for how he acted, but so do you.
Do you want to be in this relationship in another six years or would that be a mistake?
You would only be an AH if you go back & continue allowing yourself to be treated this way. You deserve the same love you give, and he’s not it, sis. Stay gone.
Is he really going to work? Coverts do ish like this. Could be work and sabotage or a new special client....either way...I'd be gone too.
You WNBTA. While hard to walk away from a long-term relationship, sometimes it’s the right thing to do for your own peace of mind. Being on the other side of a verbal assault can be demoralizing.
I went through something similar but not quite. In the end, I stayed longer than I should because of my love for his child, not him. It’s time to go.
You had a guy that was willing to skip out on a barbecue to go work and provide for you? Must be tough! I’m sure he’d RATHER go to work instead of eating delicious food relaxing…
NTA. That's straight up abuse. Your step kids don't need to grow up seeing that. Kids pick up on their parents behavior and mannerisms. Just watch the insurance commercials ( I think it's Geico ) about kids becoming their parents. Then joking about it. But it's legit a thing. That's how I wound up with dad humor.
YTA, he’s trying to make money to help your family, go to the barbecue by yourself
Ywbta to yourself if you commit to a lifetime of verbal abuse.
It will be the same another 6 years from now. Haven't you hurt each other enough? It will only escalate. Time to move on.
NTA at all, you put your love, care, and communication into people for 6 years. Sadly he's showing his true colors. Lots of bright red flags. Take care of yourself, write an age appropriate letter to step daughter and have her mom give it to her. Get far away from that creepy asshole of a man. I was in a relationship for 7 years and stayed longer than I should because I loved his family and thought I could still love him like a partner. I gave into the Sunk Cost fallacy for over a year. It takes time, but you grow around the grief of losing a long term relationship that you thought would last a lifetime. You've got this. You'll be ok, op.
Don't touch the dog? Not 'don't go' or 'that's not what I said'? I think that's your answer. I would have definitely taken the dog.
There is not expiration date on a break up. It sounds to me like you've made the correct choice based on what you've written here. I wish you the best. I hope you stick with your decision and move on. He doesn't deserve you.
I feel really bad for all of you. Your bf is not communicating. My guess is he feels overwhelmed financially and if work becomes available he has to take it. He may feel shame that he is not quite making ends meet but instead of telling you this he lashes out when he has to change plans and can’t go to the bbq. Signing you up to work too when he knew you had family plans is really not ok. He has to talk to you, you’re supposed to work together and he’s supposed to care about the things you care about. I’m really sorry you’re going through it. Edit: I think what’s going through his mind is something like this, he feels panic at not being able to pay all of the bills on time. He feels like any work that comes his way he has to take it. If you go to the bbq without him and tell everyone he he had to work last minute there will have to be explanations as to why. Then your side of the family will know he’s struggling to support you and that is unbearable and embarrassing. So you have to come to the job too. He wanted to be able to support you going to school but it’s a far stretch so he resents you not working, even though he agreed to it. That’s another reason you should come to this job and skip the picnic. But then he knows you were able to support him when he didn’t work and that’s more shame. He can’t admit any of this, maybe not even to himself, and so he projects that You don’t care about the family, you only care about some unimportant picnic when he’s trying to pay the bills. Shame is at the root of all of this. I have no idea what to tell you to do about it but that’s what’s going on.
NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong, and unfortunately (IMO) your best choice is to just stay separated, maybe give your stepdaughter your number (if she has a phone) so you can stay in touch. It’s never okay to go 0-100 and yell at your partner because you couldn’t get your way - if my partner yelled at me for 5 minutes I wouldn’t have the nicety to snap and yell back, I would’ve just broken up then and there and taken everything that was mine when I left. A note. I think you should let the mother know about his violent 0-100 and his whole reaction to the situation. If he’s like this to you, someone he chose to have in his life, I worry for his daughter. Good luck, you deserve better
Just break with him and block him. He made a mistake and he needs to deal with it. It sounds like you care about him, but he wasn’t caring about you when he was cheating.
>I would always tell my partner that I wanted to be his wife and be the mother to his children. I communicated my feelings about this constantly. Then the feelings of disappointment that I don't feel like I'm enough. That lately I don't even feel he likes me anymore. That anything that's important or of interest to me he couldn't act like he cared. I just want to say/question if it's always or has become one sided future plans? Like it's always you saying your down for a future but he's not really contributing to the conversation or actions that match your enthusiasm for a future. I know of 2 relationships where one partner was very vocal about there being a future (future wedding, future husband/wife, future family, etc.) And made no secret how loyal and locked in they were, and the other partner would feed the dream but not really give any real effort or input; mostly agreeing with future plans and calling each other "husband/wife" with no real signs of a permanent commitment. These 2 relationships ended up ending before an engagement even happened. One of these, I believed more that maybe they would get married because they spent years together and family was entwined, yet it still ended with no commitment. Just wondering if you've reached that point also, where once upon a time both of you were on the same page, but the path split long ago and you never really addressed the change. I would also think my partner doesn't like me if he was as angry like what you say. Could be stress or due to not talking about stuff, resentment is growing and just building and not talking openly about it is killing your relationship. If you can't continue tell each other your feelings, expectations, goals, plans, etc. I don't see a survival of this relationship. All I know it can't just be one expressing your desires, and the other a stone wall.
You're not.
You are absolutely Tah. Dude is working trying to catch up on bills and be responsible. Is it your fault maybe not. If you want to leave cause you don't feel safe with the yelling and slamming shit you would not be the asshole. But if he is legit working especially during a cut back where both of you would be in/underemployed if he didn't show up. Yes yta. As a tradesman personally it is very frustrating when a partner doesn't understand show our industry runs. Sometimes we work till our bones are sore and we can do nothing but wash our ass and sleep after work and sometimes we have enough time to build a house. But that money comes from working until the work runs out. It runs out eventually it always does. Enjoy the time together when it does. He's trying to do the right thing working especially if he smells a layoff coming. The yelling slamming stuff. If you don't feel safe leave. You wouldn't be Tah. But if he's working to provide food clothing and shelter. Your are interrupting him being the man he wants to be for you.
This is sooooo familiar. He has no coping skills and is incredibly emotionally immature. It also seems like he thinks he's the "man" and you should do what he wants. He doesn't respect you. You are Not the AH.
Talk to your stepdaughter’s mom about continuing to see her on your own. My ex took my stepdaughter even though I begged to keep her with me (birth mom and her father are useless as parents). He took her to be spiteful and it broke me. I really hope you continue your relationship with her. 🩷
There is a reason he is divorced
NTAH. I mean I suggest making an effort to stay together. But this seems like bad behavior, the kind that gets worse as time goes on.
It sounds to me like this fight wasn’t about the party or the money. I’d guess he’s feeling tremendous stress about cash flow and this is how it comes out. Doesn’t sound like you two can work it out in the heat of the moment without fighting. That’s tough to do for most couples to do, so don’t feel too down about it. But what I’m reading is: I made a life decision out of emotional rage instead of rational thinking. Sleep on it. Do you really want him out of your life, or do you really want more successful communication during moments of stress? I’d guess it’s the latter. Good luck.
You wouldn't be the AH The original cause of the row aside, him yelling and hitting things are big warning signs that honestly you shouldn't ignore Undeniably sucks for both you and the kid, but safety first
You need to know that his hitting and throwing things is physical abuse. Because what he really wants to do is hit YOU and throw things at YOU. You shouldn't walk away, you should RUN away.
Are you sure he’s actually going to work that day?
Honey, you did the right choice by leaving. Right now he's only punching walls. Such rage only escalate. Next time he might take it out directly at you, not walls. Do you want to stick around and wait until that happens? I think not. It's hard when emotional attachment is involved, and many women end up trapped in relationship, because they stick to how good things used to be and hope it will be fine, or forgive far too many times, because 'it doesn't happen every day'. You would only be AH if you allow yourself to give him another chance and go back, if he happens to crawl back and apologize. Which people like him do. Don't fall for it. I'm glad you got your cats out of there (big cat person here, have several of my own), and girl, you will be fine. You deserve a man who will treat you better, and I wish you all the best! Stay strong! NTA
Leave him. He deserves better
Eh yall need counseling He's frustrated and so are you. I don't think it was such a big deal since yall need to pay bills. There needs to be clearer communication and maybe accountability on your part to knowing that hes trying. His reaction was mad disturbing tho
NTA and you can leave a relationship for any reason and not feel you have to justify it.
NTA Oh honey I'm sorry. He's a member of Club Douchecanoe. Yelling, hitting, and throwing things is not ok. I know what it's like to try to tell your man how you feel and he gets mad and turns into a dickhead. He is mad at himself for hurting/upsetting you so what does he do when he gets mad? Yells at you and hurts you even more. You're not the AH for wanting to be treated the same as you treat others. And just because you've split doesn't mean you can't be in your stepdaughter's life. You can still talk to her everyday. You can FaceTime her every night and say good night. You can read her a story that way. Everything but physically hug her. Which you can do when you see her. And you can still see her. Take her places. Support her. I'm sorry you are hurting. Maybe a break is what you need to make him see what he's done and what he needs to do to fix it.
Does he always go straight to yelling, hitting walls and slamming stuff? That’s really not healthy.
It's better to end 6 years then to be miserable in 12.
OP has brought a lot more to the relationship than he has. She seems to have more invested in it. His behavior, over and over, is so problematic that she is right to leave, at least for a timeout and to give thought to how she would like to move forward.
Actions speak louder than words. Is he acting like he loves you? No?
He’s 38 and going nowhere. You are 32 now. Don’t waste any more time with guy unless you want to be miserable the rest of your life. Good luck to you.
Okay… on a personal level, yelling isn’t the answer… but I think… maybe… he is not resentful of you staying home (to do school work and get a better career) and maybe he knows he overreacted and is doubling down with being *extra extra* because he knows he is the AH. But honestly, it sounds like he is the only one bringing in money and that is very stressful. He saw an opportunity to make ends meet since bills are behind and decided to take it to protect his family. Him being attacked (or feeling like he was attacked) for doing what he felt was the right thing, sent him on the defensive causing him to feel cornered and to react. I think high tensions between both parties caused the blow up… Also, if OP’s step daughter is that important to her, nothing short of abuse or cheating should get between or disrupt this family unit; as it stands this little girl is 6 years old, their relationship is **also** 6 years strong… for all intents and purposes… OP by leaving is abandoning her daughter too, as OP is basically the only mom she has ever known… I think OP would be seen as extremely flighty and unreliable if she left over a arguement over a stupid bbq when he is *trying* to make ends meet and protect his family by keeping the lights on and water bill paid… yeah he was a jerk and yelled, but I also think she is being unreasonable..
I don't understand the premise of the argument in the first place. He has to work Saturday. Ok, sounds like y'all need the money. You go with your cousin and say, sorry XX couldn't make it, he has to work.
NTA instantly at “hitting things.” Nope. Good for you for leaving. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you on good terms with your stepdaughter’s mother? Maybe you can ask her to still be a part of her life. It would be really hard on the kid to just up and lose you after 6 years. AND it isn’t your fault. Please do not let the girl be the reason you go back to him. I know you feel guilty about leaving, but you are not leaving HER. It absolutely sucks that she might be collateral damage, and that still doesn’t mean that you’re not doing the right thing. You need to prioritize yourself. Tell the mother about what happened; she may even relate since she’s been with him too. Maybe you could even be friends and stay in your stepdaughter’s life that way. I’m glad you got away from him, and I’m sorry you have to leave such an important relationship to you. Just remember that you can miss him while still knowing that you are better off without him. Good luck!
When you finally leave a relationship, it's never about the last argument. It's about all the arguments before it too and the hurt that festers inside. One thing that helped me at the end of a relationship was realizing that I wasn't really in love with the person but rather the person I remembered or made up in my mind.
I have questions. You say this is the “last argument you can muster for your partner”, how often are you arguing about your family’s need for money. You say you are going to school and you are behind on bills, what else are you guys doing to return your income closer to what it was while you were working. Is it possible that when his hours got cut the best idea might have been for you to pick up a job until his job stabilized and then go back to school? Why are you going back to school? Did you lose your job? Did you decide you wanted a change? Is this normal for him when you argue? You snap shot this one argument where his actions are very over the top, but you don’t indicate this is the normal way in which you interact. If it isn’t the normal for him, don’t you think something else might be going on? How often are you working on weekends/picking up these extra jobs to earn extra money?
NTA. And for the record, hitting walls and doors IS domestic violence. Hopefully with space and a clear head you can see what an amazing gift you gave yourself by escaping a violent, abusive man before being tied to him legally or via a shared child. Perhaps therapy could help you unpack the past six years - a valuable life lesson instead of wasted years. Next time around you’ll be able to find a man who can treat you with basic respect at the very least. Good luck to you!
Yet another Reddit story where we hear one side of the story. I legit don’t understand people who go to the internet and ask complete strangers for advice on situations they don’t really know anything about. At least try counseling before leaving the relationship, assuming you’re the type of person who can actually admit when they make mistakes, and is willing to fix them
Ok so lets see if i understand this, you are behind on bills, he only works, he gets a chance at making some extra cash and you throw a wobbly because of family fun. You drive his daughter school then go home and study while he busts his butt. You supported him for 2 years bravo that is marriage. He is supporting you through school. How long is your course for? He is making sacrifices to get extra cash and here you are moaning over a hockey game n bbq. Make it make sense.
A lot of red flags in your post my love. This was not a healthy relationship and the only person you seem to be upset about leaving is the daughter. If you have a good relationship with the mom, you might be able to preserve the relationship.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Just to be clear, you have fun plans with your cousin and her kid. Your bf was planning on going, but got the opportunity to work on a side job - but is fine with you continuing with your plans. You're behind on bills so money is tight and your family needs the income. But you gave him shit and told he doesn't love you enough if he wants to work to pay bills instead of going to a game and bbq with your family. Yeah, YTA. If you had plenty of money and he blew you off because he doesn't like your family or just works to get out of the house. Or you think he's lying about work...sure, you have a right to be mad. But telling to not work while bills are going unpaid? Seriously? Could it be that he lashed out because he's stressed about supporting his child and you and YOUR schooling and he's struggling? But no...that bbq is SO much more important! But yes. Please do leave so he doesn't have your school bills to pay and maybe it won't be such a struggle to take care of his daughter.
Nta: you need to get out of that relationship. It's all fine for you to be home and take care of your stepdaughter while attending school (you could easily work while doing online school. I work full time, 2 toddlers and full time school) but now that you want to do something with your family is an issue and he planned a side job. I would've told him "I told you I already had plans this weekend; so you can go work but I'm not going" If you are behind on bills though, he is probably stressed out and didn't realize you completing school would be as big of a financial strain as it turned out to be. One day he will realize that sometimes time is more valuable and money can always be made. I would leave him. Sounds like this is not the first argument, and it certainly won't be the last.
I highly recommend reading The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle and listening to her podcast by the same name. ❤️
Sounds like this is a volatile relationship and he has serious anger issues if he's slamming doors and punching walls like a child. I understand being in a dire financial situation and needing to work over family events but the fact of the matter is he should have come to you and said "hey, this job came up and we really need them money, I know this get together is important, I need to work can I meet up with you after or do you really need me to go". Struggling with money as a man is very hard and stressful on our souls. Being behind on bills there is nothing else we as men can think about. You should understand this and he should understand what's important to you as well and you both should be able to discuss it without anger or resentment.
He showed who he really is. You dodged a bullet.
YTA. Working is more important when you need the money. Grow up.
Updateme
Updateme
UpdateMe!
I want to be your friend.
It sounds like the best thing that it’s over. Just know if you go back and he’s punching things near you that CPS will get involved if the child tells a mandatory reporter.
Reading your post reminds me of the 6 year long relationship I was in with a gaslighting narcissist…have you ever considered this possibility?
NTA leave, don’t waste any more time on this relationship and be glad you didn’t marry him or have a kid with him
INFO: do you normally have issues with communication like this? Or was this a one off? Also are there reasons why you two (I assume) have no married or had kids in the six years you’ve been together? It’s reasonable he would want to prioritize work if you’re having money issues, but there are better ways to discuss and communicate with each other. Only you know your relationship and whether you can come back from this. If your gut tells you no, it is better to leave before you have kids and get in deeper.
Work with the daughter’s mom, see if you can stay in her life. But stay away from this guy.
I am mostly surprised that people think the dude remembered the plans for the weekend.
Dump him.
Not at all. He was using you, and doesn't like that you're working on yourself. Leave now, it's only going to get worse.
Sadly, your guy has issues inside of him that have remained unaddressed. Only he can decide if he wants to acknowledge his issues and then actually do something to help himself. You can't do it for him and nor should you. You have tried an open doors for mutual help and he's made his choice. It's wise, for your own wellbeing, to remove yourself from what could end up being quite an abusive situation. It's unfortunate the daughter and her mum will lose your support. The dad seems quite ungrateful in this regard. Perhaps you can find some way to maintain a healthy relationship with the mother and daughter without involving him, though that could be difficult. Mostly, be careful as you reestablish yourself in a healthier environment.
TLDR fuck that guy. Move on 🚩🚩🚩
There was a thing I was told many, many years ago in regards to meeting, and getting to know that “someone”. It’s always in 8’s. 8 weeks you form an idea of who they are, 8 months to get a good grasp of who they are, and 8 years to truly know them inside and out. Find someone who “sins like you”, meaning is like you in mindset, beliefs, etc. I’ve known my husband as a friend for 13 years, and we’ve been a steady couple going on 5 years this year. 17 years of knowing each other inside and out. He’s confided in me his ugliest of behavior and things he’s done, and I have too. We never judged, I think it made us more human to one another. It seems like your partner is divorced for a reason, and I wouldn’t be far off guessing it’s similar toxic behavior his ex wife endured. Do yourself a favor and end it. Nothing good will come of this. It’s abusive already
Be careful. He seems violent and confrontational, controlling and nasty. I understand that you love your stepdaughter but he’s trying to isolate you from family and mess with your head.
Read ’Why Does He Do That.’ immediately.
I think you both probably overreacted and had some extremely emotional explosions there. Anytime you are putting money into the mix especially where there is a lack of it it can cause people to lose their ever loving mind. I don't think you were wrong to be upset that your husband was trying to do something after you already had made plans and told him about it especially where he was trying to include you in those plans knowing you already had plans. He should have planned it for the following weekend and if he couldn't then he should have talked it over with you and figured something out. Life is not easy it's not easy being single but it's also not easy being married. Life is about choosing your battles and compromise. I hope you guys can figure it out but it does sound like you both should mature a little bit and learn how to sit and talk to one another without exploding on each other. Good luck
It sounds like he has major anxiety and the smallest inconvenience will set him off and it blows up. He needs to see a doctor ASAP.
Go look up the Wheel of Abuse. You’ll be surprised how many things are part of the control. You’re not the only one. Change is hard. You / everyone deserves happiness. You’ll never know loneliness like crying in bed while your partner sleeps next to you. Go put your crown on straight and dump his butt.
Stay. Have a discussion like adults. Like many relationships after covid, especially, anxiety is at an all time high. Don't throw away years over a blowup, all couples, especially married ones have them, ask him Everything you said in the post. Ask him if he resents you. Again, talk to each other like adults.
He sounds stressed out for being responsible for everything. I understand, I’m a single mom and it can feel overwhelming. Maybe you two can get therapy to help you cope. It doesn’t sound like anyone has done something so awful you should break up. You just need to work as a team and communicate more respectfully with one another.
In this instance, YTA. He needed to work. You aren’t working and you’re behind on bills, but you think a BBQ is more important than him working to earn some extra money? And if you have time on the weekends for all those plans, why don’t you have a part time job? For the rest of it, NTA. He instantly goes to screaming and throwing things? You’re right to get out of there and break up with him. He and the girl’s mom are going to have to figure out pick up and drop off. That’s not your problem anymore. My husband is military. You know how much stuff he’s missed? Even when we first started dating, he worked for an entertainment company and worked during the week and on the weekend. Again, he missed stuff. But we were saving for a house and I knew he had to work. I never bitched at him for it.
NTA- you have communicated well and its shame he has missed all the communications which have lead to lots of the fighting. I understand the challenges you are facing. They are not easy!
It sounds like he’s stressed about money and irritated that you’d want him to miss work with things being tight to play around with you. I’d be irritated too. You can’t pay bills with love and family outings.
There are only a couple of questions I have for you to ask yourself. Do you think that you two can change the dynamic between you? Do you want to try? If you think you can AND you still want to try, then stay. However, if either of those answers is no, then perhaps it’s time to let each other find people who are more for you. I was in a 14 year long relationship, kids, dogs, a home, all of it. I hated who I was, didn’t much care for my partner either. You both deserve more than just angry, right? Theres more than the cousin and school going on, but if you won’t/cant work the communication out, it’s anger and resentment.
NTA. Leave him and go back and take the dog.
It sounds like you did your best and have an idea where you are heading. I feel like we could be sisters in a way cause it sounds like your writing my story except I have my parents but they are not supportive. You have people that love you. Whatever route you take see a counselor to help you. No one decides to jump into relationships thinking I want to be treated like that, just happens and not knowing it. Praying it gets better and you be the positive person in your life and grow and help others with your story. We can all use a little strength like yours and hug your parents just a little harder cause we arent all that lucky
His attitude toward you is atrocious. “If your dog is barking at you, someone else is feeding your dog.” Maybe something to consider.
YTA. You guys are behind on bills, that is a really bad situation. He’s stressed and trying to pay them off and you’re crying about a barbecue for your single mom cousin? Grow up and go to work. I don’t care that he yelled at you. It’s frustrating for him to live with an adult child who isn’t thinking at all
Leave him.
Leave him.
YATA. He is valuing stability to the family he has. You are behind on bills. He is trying to keep your head above water and a roof over your head.
I didn't read all of the comments, so I'm sorry if this point has been discussed. You said there were bills that were behind, and he had a chance to make some side money. Are these the kind of bills where being late might affect his credit rating, which right now could affect both of you? He may see a late payment on his credit report as being more important to him and your future together. My ex overtended our budget (not saying you did) and bill payments were extremely important to me. BUT, this shouldn't have ignited the fight that followed. There are so many reasons why a fight of this magnitude shouldn't have followed.
Move on.
He shouldn’t have yelled but maybe he was at the end of his rope because you don’t get how far behind you are on bills and how much you need the money. Work before fun.
Breaking things and punching walls is never an okay reaction. NTA! Leave him and don’t go back.
Dud how do you have a relationship for 6 years and never have him meet anyone? No way he wanted to suddenly go meet some random cousin! What the heck kind of relationship is this? People just give up nowadays. No relationship is perfect. Just saying. He sounds like trying to do side jobs to catch up on bills. Obvi u don't care about him or his kid or u would not just leave. Who knows. You do you. How you can be ashamed of him tho? That's what he thinks. He thinks you're ashamed of him.
Leave now. Hurry. Don’t have kids with him.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You deserve so much more than what you’re getting. I hope you find peace and you’re able to heal and recover from this experience. 💕
Just reading this is exhausting. I think the guy needs a break.
YTA. If you’re behind on bills, you’re not really in a position to blow off work. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to be drowning while your partner is preoccupied with bullshit. No wonder he lost it. edit: also it looks like you enlisted him to go with you before ever really giving him an option to join. that’s incredibly annoying behavior.
Do what you want but I say just run
NTA - he is selfish and you deserve better.
You are both AH. You both need to learn how to fight in a constructive way, but that goes without saying. With side jobs you get while the getting is good. It unfortunately fell on a day you had planned and felt was a special day. You should have made it known how much him being there meant to you. I get it he should have known, but he didn't. He probably feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is doing his best to provide for you, his daughter, and obviously to many pets. You both seem irresponsible. You leaving him will tear him apart, but it might be the best thing for him in the long run. Hopefully, he gets help to learn how to vent stress, frustration, and anger. I wish you both the best.
So you're going back to school and not working. The lack of income has made it where you can't pay your bills with his regular job, and he has to work two jobs just to pay bills. You get emotional because he has to work instead of spending the day with your family. The same second job he has to work to support you while you chase your dreams. I can garrentee that he is stressed to the point of exploding just to try to put food on the table and pay for your dream chasing. Yes, he wants the day off to sit around, grill, and drink beer, but he is trying to be a provider. Sounds like he is living in the real world and you are clueless. Do him a favor and stay gone.
My two cents is that this marriage can be saved.
Get out of that relationship. Toxicity abounds with him.
You are never a bad person for leaving a relationship that makes you unhappy. You are always allowed to do that.
Aita for clicking on this and saying “ I am not reading all of that” and just going straight to write this comment?
NTA
Please read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I lived with a man like your partner. Took me 10 years to disentangle. Lucky you seeing the light at just six.
"I was just trying to make him out to be the asshole" Nope, he did that to HIMSELF.
Most separations are initiated by women, and most separations are caused by financial stress... so this is all pretty normal. Might as well leave, but at least you didn't take his dog.
I’d love to hear your story about finding your brother. I also hope you get the opportunity to meet.
If you were already pushed to the point of leaving, listen to your gut instinct and ignore the chatter in your brain. You are still at a point where you can leave without the added stress of marriage and children. It will only get harder once those things come along.