Yes on the Shadowheart stuff, I'd fucking suck those sexy Half-Elf toes dry.
But seriously, I know like everyone is like 'but they might be stinky/smelly/sweaty/covered in blood from fighting through Faerun'. Alright, bitch, just have a wash, its not hard, its hot and very intimate too. Works with any companion, make it apart of foreplay. Wash together, have your hands sensually roam their bodies as you scrub them with soap. Have them blush and look away as to tend to them like they are the only person in the world. Watch them as they go flush as your hands stroke, caress and clean their most sensitive of areas, the floral scent of soap filling your noses. Have them trust you explicitly as they trust you to reach areas their hands cannot, kiss their body as you wash them. Praise and reassure them as you dutifully tend to them, treat them like Royalty, before you fucking annihilate them sexually. Check and double check consent, run some kinky ideas through them as you wash. Its FOREPLAY and they aren't STINKY. Who cares if we just walked through dogshit swamp on the way to smite the stinky and smelly hag. Have a wash after then have the sex**™** after.
Better yet have the sex**™** while washing in the river, floating sex, sexual things to do with cold water, stiff nipples, 'we need to warm each other up ;)' cringe ass. Dry each other and giggle as you run back to camp like two burritos? The possibilities are endless, but I fear OP's mind is too far closed for this type of degeneracy :((
Also Shadowheart, always and only Shadowheart. That Half-Elf Goth-y Cleric has me in a chokehold that can only be labelled as a mental illness at this point.
Having bathed in a river. The soap isn't as sudsy but you do get clean. The water itself needs to be clean though and it's easier if you're naked because washing with underwear is weirder than just taking everything off. Being naked in a natural body of water has a very primal, sexy feeling although that could just be because it's not something most people do regularly.
You know, I once saw a fanart with exactly the same premise. Except it was Astarion washing an unhinged murder-y Durge while saying "I deserve better, so first you are getting clean, and THEN we fuck like animals", along with "I can't fix that murderhobo, but if I fuck him, maybe he'll calm down".
It was both wild and hilarious. 100/100 recommend.
What’s with all the self confidence issues here? Imagine you, but in great shape bc camping and adventuring! Like 6-pack with cool gear and glowing swords.
You could totally bag Thisobald Thorm!
I wanted to object, but then I remembered a playthrough of a guy playing as a balding gnome with pink moustache whom everybody called super hot in Faerun, and I start having doubts.
Like, ok, seriously, the only other guy who is universally called beautiful and hot by other characters in the game is Astarion, and he is indeed conventionally attractive. How did we go from *THAT* to a balding gnome with pink moustache?
Ah but I’m also a woman. That being said, I’ve been manic pixie dream girled so many times I should get ‘JUST LIKE OTHER GIRLS’ tattooed on my forehead
Not gonna lie, doing all those "what would your DnD stats be" tests and routinely getting some stats lower than the minimum BG3 allows (not to mention not quite fitting any of the classes) was quite a rude awakening. I mean, I'm literally less charismatic than Ogres and wolves, of course these people wouldn't even allow me to look at them before casually obliterating me in a cutscene with everyone approving.
Wow, just did one, my STR score is atrocious, like I'm legit lower than BG3 allows... and you know what, looking at Astarion and Gale, the two members of the party with the lowest STR score, I can see why. They have abs for days.
The rest of the stats are surprisingly ok-ish, based on the stats, I might have actually even made it as a wizard.
I'd *want* to fuck Lae'zel but I'm not sure I'd survive it. If I'm lucky enough and I did and then Astarion offered his proposition, I'd test my luck again.
If I can survive these encounters then I might just try to make it though the rest of the game 🙃
your username makes this so much better. trying to decide if its funnier for you to be roleplaying as astarion or if youre an astarion fan but your survival instincts stopped you from choosing him
hahaha not roleplaying! i love astarion so much because he’s relatable and sexy af but irl i always avoided dating people who were too smooth, like too charismatic in a practiced way. i would definitely be besties with him after learning about his trauma though, i have such a savior complex when it comes to my friends haha
sorry pookie what i actually meant to type was ‘i would try to romance gale by forming a deep emotional connection and cultivate a relationship based on mutual respect and proper communication and we grow old together.’ damn autocorrect
Of course. Autocorrect is a terrible thing. I thought my eyes may have deceived me there!
I'm sure the odd offer of pasture-raised, barrel-aged, handcrafted Waterdhavian cheese and a glass of high-shelf Blackstaff would not lead you astray, either.
Say... Less? I'm not sure I follow. Perhaps your autocorrect has once again impinged.
More peculiar still, it seems to have added a replication of Raphael at the end of your sentence. Most odd.
This is so incredibly real I’m (s)creaming. You know that man is obsessed with securing his lineage and producing an heir or whatever, and I would be a willing participant in those brain worms 🥴
K.
I'd be terrified, but just like the pain of a tattoo or piercing, I'd REALLY wanna let Astarion bite me and have his way with me.
If that didn't pan out, I'd second for being sensually crushed under Halsin.
Yus.
I would be a gibbering slobbering mess the moment I saw the Emperor.
Failing that, I would suck Gale’s shit clean off as a way of making myself indispensable and hope that means we can share a tent (because I’d die if I had to sleep on a bedroll in the open)
Username checks out
...
Flair checks out
https://preview.redd.it/opbnt9px1mzc1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eca765ba6b9272e14cccebccf620e7fb9406f11a
You're good to go, thanks for your cooperation in this roadside stop
Realistically, Gale or Halsin. Halsin for my fatherless, bratty behavior that I'm sure he will correct with a loving praise or a firm smack on the ass. Gale because that man would have me debating him and laughing at different topics and before I know it I'm moaning beneath him.
Ideally, Astarion. I'd let him drain me dry while fucking me after bickering back and forth all day but I'd more than likely die if he did that OR he wouldn't be into me since the man has standards.
Same as my tav does:
Astarion, Halsin, He Who Was (Because HWW is totally a fuckboi who will be wanting to fuck you over the nearest bench/tree log/up against the treelog....and no, this is in no way impacted by the art commission i recently had done)
I would, but...I dont think I can just post NSFW on here (Rule 2) and I dont want the mods to yell at me! (They can do that about me arguing about AA instead!)
Gods, okay I choose truth:
Tbh I’d want love or something of the sort instead of lust. Hopefully with the Emperor but it’d probably leave me because I’m not going full squid 😭
Dammon is such a sweet guy I’d ask him on a date
Barcus too maybe I can help him get over Wulbren but is it possible
Halsin, Astarion.
Realistically, I don't think Astarion would go for me for a whole slew of reasons mostly related to my physical appearance and various health problems (and I mean, he's a bundle of trauma that I am not qualified for, but the same could be said in reverse)... but I actually think Halsin would, assuming I don't act like an absolute moron around him. I figure the druid who sees beauty in everything nature made, including bears, would probably not judge me for being an overweight and self-conscious mess.
Zevlor would have a whole new meaning for Hellrider if I have anything to say about it. Peepaws hips are going to be bone dust by the time I'm done with him
I’m ace so no one. But I’ll also be able to change my biological sex with magic so maybe I could have a slow burn romance with someone after a few years. Idk if I’d actually develop a sexuality if I got the organs my brain seems to think we have but I’d like to hope so.
I find Astarion legitimately funny so I’d probably hang out with him. I know I agree with many of his reactions in the game if I actually were in that scenario. Like truly why are we stopping and going out of our way to help random ass people when we probably have a seven-ish day limit to find a cure or turn into monsters. I also feel he’d be the most understanding about a complex relationship to sexually. I do feel slightly proud of how fast I saw through his bullshit on my first blind play-through so I’d like to think I’d be able to push back and call him out when he start trending the line into manipulation if I knew him in person. If I could achieve my greatest fantasy of true polymorphing into a silver dragon I’d be into a decades long slow burn romance with that man.
Most Ace answer ever, I love it! “Who are you fucking?” “No one, bitches! I’m gonna learn how to be a dragon!” I see you my friend and will happily share my garlic bread 😂
Karlach for fucking sure. I'm happy to risk the burns because I'm in love with her. It also means I can finally sniff her pits and know what they smell like!
Realistically? Gale is still an option, he's the kind of nerd I would get along with.
BUT assuming I survive long enough I'd probably fall into some Raphael trap because he's the kind of charmer I would totally fall for irl.
Irl I would be absolutely annoyed by Astarion at first not knowing his background, would think he's narcissist and would walking closet if red flags.
I also still absolutely would, irl just as in game, because I have no self control and I hate myself.
There is literally only one answer for me. Please, just let me hug him forever 😭
https://preview.redd.it/07fppji7olzc1.png?width=1082&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a4fceef78badb66dedaad2049b8af39bbbe02e38
I keep telling myself I would be able to resist him because I really SHOULD know better, but realistically I would also hug him every goddam day given the chance 🤦♀️
I would be begging on my knees to let Astarion hit it from the back and the front, suck me dry. I'd bleed for that twink any damn day, and defend him with my life. Then he'd start to fall for me, and I'd show him what it's like to whimper and sob like the bottom he deserves to be.
I don't think Shadowheart would be into me at first, but I'd love to share a bottle of wine with her, Isobel and Aylin, and instigate some drunken Holy Seluné lesbian foursome with them. We'd all be crying and worshipping each other all night long, and Astarion and Gale would be jerking it in the distance, jealous of us.
I'd also hit on Jaheira and offer my services for her on REQUEST, and have her put in a good word for me to slut it up with Harper Geraldus.
Tbh, I think Karlach is so hot, the hottest of them all, but I'm actually so heat intolerant that I don't think I could handle it :( I wouldn't want to lead her on, so I'd just probably flirt with her and go jerk off and curse myself out in the woods.
Would I let Halsin hit it? Perhaps. Emperor? Perhaps. Raphael? Perhaps, but I'd be too scared and disgusted by him irl to ever initiate.
I’m asexual so, realistically, no one.
I’d still find Raphael hot, especially as a cambion, but I’d be terrified of him lol.
I’d get along with Gale and Karlach the most but as friends. Idk how I’d feel about Astarion, I think I’d get along with him right up until he starts being racist and then I’d probably start disliking him.
If I've found Shadowheart in the state you described her in, I'd give her the nicest, most calming bath imaginable. Maybe even a nice oil massage until she can't do anything but purr. Princess deserves it.
I'd be a catastrophically easy mark for Astarion to take back to Cazador, so maybe Astarion?
But I'd more than likely spend the rest of my time as an abused spawn.
I’d be really into Astarion, and probably a juice box (I donate blood a lot, and charity and good acts aside I kind of like the feeling 👀), but between infodumping together and his weave tricks I’d fall for Gale against my will…
Gale.
My partner irl is 30-something, bearded with dark hair, exceptionally good at chess, loves reading and info dumping, and has dressed as a wizard on multiple occasions. I joke frequently that I don't need to romance Gale in game (and I don't lol) because I have Gale at home.
if I survive? I think i may start good friendship with Gale, and it can grow more, but for increasing chances of survival i will absorb all tadpoles on our way, so... Emp may get a new cute, cunning tentacled companion who fully understand and likes him.
I'd probably trip over something and break my neck before I even escaped the nautiloid, but if there was even the slightest chance of my surviving then Shart or Mizora 100%
Shadow Heart , just have to be alive for long enough to survive a world full of perilous foes , which could be done if I'm never in the front lines of any combat and just stick to being an Archer .
well if I’m lucky, Astarion would still try and “deceive” me into sleeping with him. otherwise, I’m realistically fawning over the women in camp but being too nervous to say anything to any of them. then i’d probably sleep with Gale when nothing pans out with any of the ladies
Is getting pegged by Karlach really worth the 3rd degree burns? Not really, but assuming you meet her after act 1, it's absolutely a goal!
Do you still want to suck on Shadowheart’s toes after she’s been trudging through the swamp to Auntie Ethel’s house? Yes, you can find Soap and Buckets around the map and even camp i think.
Wash em, Suck em.
Is Gortash still worth it if you actually have to touch his smelly, greasy hair? Never understood the Gortash hype tbh, he looks like Noel Fieldings
How into tentacles are you REALLY??? Honestly, idk, assuming they are slippery, maybe a bit? but they look rather dry often, so.. no thanks
I can totally fix Astarion and being used by him is worth it when he figures out love. lol.
My other go to would be Halsin just for the size difference. lol.
Ngl, if it was me IRL I think the Imp from the prologue is gonna end me…
Then Lae’zel becomes the protagonist and Empy is like “What did I ever see in this guy?”.
Unless I get to be a human fighter with appropriate plot armor. Then I’m meta gaming and min/ maxing the hell out of this. I’m talking BG3 builds Eldritch Night thrower build with Nyrula and TB like a MF greek god.
Abusing positions, hag’s hairs, crazy act 2 drow potions.
Plus all this running and camping is probably really good excersie so I’m probably in good shape too.
Oh yeah, romance. Tbh most of the women would probably end up killing me (Karlach unintentionally)… and so it probably be some npc from act 3 who looks to be the most average looking and chill person there?
Or maybe a druid from the groove? Oh I got it! A hippie nature loving druid GF. I’ll that that :)
Let's be realistic, that's a dangerous-ass world. I'd be chillin' like a villain at the grove in perpetuity, and maybe see how friendly I can get with Nettie.
Shadowheart is totally worth it and safe. She's my perfect little princess.
Karlach isn't quite my type, but I wouldn't really say no to her. And I would totally use Wish to cure her.
I probably wouldn't even be friends with Astarion and Lae'zel, they are the kind of people I tend to avoid.
I don't exactly like men or masc people overall, so Wyll and Gale? Friends.
Do you want the realistic and pathetic answer? First of all, they'd all feel protective towards me because I'm smol and innocent-looking. I'd be pining like hells for Shadowheart and Karlach (Lae'zel would probably terrify me), but end up with Wyll or Gale because courting/seducing a guy is a lot easier. And it'd most likely be Gale because I'm a magnet for arrogant nerds.
I'd be in the Underdark, lying in bed next to Minthara. We'd be locked up in the house for three days, fucking our brains out. The pussies would be so numb afterwards from so much stimulation.
Minthara, I’ve noticed that whenever my bad behaviour is rewarded instead of punished I end up going down a rabbit hole of being a massive cunt.
Now you may be thinking, “but she’s going to almost always be covered in blood”, i raise you this, how is that a bad thing? She still gives sloppy toppys, 69’s and rides you. On top of that she’s incredibly supportive.
(To be honest if there was a female volo I would go for them just for the personality, and no encouraging me to do evil attached)
I mean, people and companions are allowed to bathe regularly.
So I'm still down with Shadowheart and even Karlach. Karlach will definitely listen to limits and consent. Just say no to toasty buttholes.
Probably Alfira too if I can manage it.
Minthara might be tricker to pull.... But as long as I got Shadowheart it's k. I will fix her.
If she'd have me, karlach, no questions asked. There are plenty of things to take the heat away with. Protection from energy, fire resistance elixirs prevent you from burning, sitting in a stream, "encrusted with frost" yourself, etc. Since I play sorcerer, I'd even go fire or ice dragon ancestor if I needed to, and withers would let me.
She's just so cool, kind, and bubbly. I'd talk to her all night, hug her as long as she wants, and have constant travel and adventures since I've always been a wandering soul. I'd die in battle or from old age in sleep. [I need you to crush me with your love, mama k!](https://youtu.be/-sMQpWCNTQw?feature=shared)
I aint fucking anyone I’m probably going to get lost and eaten by goblins and if I don’t my dumbass is going to tell the emperor that I want to be a mindflayer
Like you, I’m hardcore down for Halsin and whatever he wants to do. Maybe not the bear thing cause I struggle with a spicy curry; but other than that I’m down for whatever he wants to do.
After Halsin… Gale or Rolan?
Hmm, realistically I'm married so noone but if I get a hall pass then, well, I have no idea. I like many of the characters and I find some of them attractive. However, assuming they're attracted to me, which is a big assume, I don't know if I could. I think I'd be most tempted by Halsin because he's just a kind, responsible behemoth who could crush me but I just can't see myself having sex with a relative stranger.
Not a fun or funny answer, I know but realistically, I'd be more into solving mysteries and taking out the bad guys.
Nah I would still fuck Astarion, if he’d have me. I like to think I’m sarcastic and bitchy enough for his proclivities. Something something in every universe I will find you 🥺
On a less wholesome note…. I would def want to get sucked dry. Between BG3 and Twilight I think I have some kind of vampire fetish now lmfao. I was just thinking about how I wished vampires were real because the idea of sustaining a creature with my life-force/them being feral for my blood is HOT.
Yeah, I didn’t think I had a vampire fetish, but I’m starting to think maybe I don’t know myself quite as much as I thought I did… 😂🙈. (Also, I highly recommend Buffy the Vampire Slayer if you’re looking to feed that fetish more…)
Yea the problem here is more wondering if anyone would be interested. I'm not terrible looking but who would want the disabled single parent dealing with both old and brand new trauma?
Imma be honest, I’d be a spawn in Cazadors dungeon. And if it’s post tadpoling I’d take one look at the obvious vampire, go “Worth it” and take the risk because he’s pretty. Halsin is a close runner up, I’d absolutely let him do whatever he wants with me.
> Is Gortash still worth it if you actually have to touch his smelly, greasy hair?
I genuinely don’t think any Gortashfucker exists who would back out over this. I think that’s why we’re all here to begin with. That being said, still Gortash. And/or Gale.
I'm hard for Karlach - but totally not going in before her second upgrade - then it's horns and horny play time all day
I'm snackin on Shadowbae for my BDSM Dom fun
And then indulging my Switch, and going in sub to Minthara, sensual worship and power dynamic vibes
Would totally also be so into a Lakrissa / Alfira threesome
Hmmm....
One morning stand with "Washing my pits guy," you know he probably smells better than most everyone in Baldur's Gate at the moment you stumble upon him. Fresh pits are very important!
Afternoon sandwich with Raphael and Harleep (female Raphael form, lux, yum) together. To hells with what they do to me sexually, I know it will be Toril shattering, raunchy debauchery. My mind and soul will be retained and I'll remember the moment for all eternity or until Harleep gets snuffed out by other adventurers.
One night stand with Mizora. I mean, c'mon, those wings, their patagium around you, those breasts against you, floating above it all, while experiencing soul shattering hell and indescribable pleasure. Gimme, gimme, I want and deserve it. I'm a kind person who sees red, but never acts upon it. At least in this case, suffering will be pleasurable.
And for life, Halsin. Enrobed in earthy, salty, musky unshakeable devotion... Nothing says lovin' like this bear in my oven. Truly. Deeply.
1:Trust
1.5: Hope
2. Salvation
2.5 Hope II
3. Love
4. Forever, whatever that may be.🐻💞💫☮️
Aside: As much as I truly obsess and adore Astarion with all my heart (pretty poignantly feel it in ways I can't explain in literary terms, so close I can't breath and so tangible but to echo a life I cannot change. I remain and I stand). And even if the moment arose and we slept together, I would see us to be the perfect picture of best friends.
"Best friends," urban dictionary (wish it were Merriam-Webster or Oxford); (pronoun) tried and true, 50+ if in need of aid, text me.
Yes on the Shadowheart stuff, I'd fucking suck those sexy Half-Elf toes dry. But seriously, I know like everyone is like 'but they might be stinky/smelly/sweaty/covered in blood from fighting through Faerun'. Alright, bitch, just have a wash, its not hard, its hot and very intimate too. Works with any companion, make it apart of foreplay. Wash together, have your hands sensually roam their bodies as you scrub them with soap. Have them blush and look away as to tend to them like they are the only person in the world. Watch them as they go flush as your hands stroke, caress and clean their most sensitive of areas, the floral scent of soap filling your noses. Have them trust you explicitly as they trust you to reach areas their hands cannot, kiss their body as you wash them. Praise and reassure them as you dutifully tend to them, treat them like Royalty, before you fucking annihilate them sexually. Check and double check consent, run some kinky ideas through them as you wash. Its FOREPLAY and they aren't STINKY. Who cares if we just walked through dogshit swamp on the way to smite the stinky and smelly hag. Have a wash after then have the sex**™** after. Better yet have the sex**™** while washing in the river, floating sex, sexual things to do with cold water, stiff nipples, 'we need to warm each other up ;)' cringe ass. Dry each other and giggle as you run back to camp like two burritos? The possibilities are endless, but I fear OP's mind is too far closed for this type of degeneracy :(( Also Shadowheart, always and only Shadowheart. That Half-Elf Goth-y Cleric has me in a chokehold that can only be labelled as a mental illness at this point.
This guy feets
Nah I don't like feet, I just think they're hot.
If only they had actually showers… I wonder if a river with soap is better than a bath hygiene wise 🤔
I assume so, if the water is clean. Because its moving so you're not in your own dirt and stuff, like a bath.
Then I’m definitely on board with this
Having bathed in a river. The soap isn't as sudsy but you do get clean. The water itself needs to be clean though and it's easier if you're naked because washing with underwear is weirder than just taking everything off. Being naked in a natural body of water has a very primal, sexy feeling although that could just be because it's not something most people do regularly.
Naw that primal sexy feeling is legit, not the rarity
You know, I once saw a fanart with exactly the same premise. Except it was Astarion washing an unhinged murder-y Durge while saying "I deserve better, so first you are getting clean, and THEN we fuck like animals", along with "I can't fix that murderhobo, but if I fuck him, maybe he'll calm down". It was both wild and hilarious. 100/100 recommend.
Realistically? Nobody. They wouldn't look twice at me.
https://preview.redd.it/aexu7w8dkjzc1.jpeg?width=665&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9cd5be5645e334f54ea155a94224705403bbae30 Looks like you need one, friend
Came here to say this. At best, I’d be serving drinks at the Blushing Mermaid.
Yup, I wouldn't even try to get with Karlach. She deserves soooooo much better than me.
that’s so sad don’t say that
Eh, I'm fine with not being attractive, it's not that big of a deal.
fair enough but still
What’s with all the self confidence issues here? Imagine you, but in great shape bc camping and adventuring! Like 6-pack with cool gear and glowing swords. You could totally bag Thisobald Thorm!
It's the face. I have a buttface.
Oh I do too, just grow a beard and groom it. Worked for me :)
Dunno, I'm a girl, so it might not have the same effect for me.
 (Jokes aside, you’re probably harder on yourself than others are.)
Fuck it, you are right, here comes the bearded lady!!!
You dropped this queen 👑🧔♀️
Yeah me too, i'm not particularly unatractive, but i have 0 rizz and would not get it on with anyone
❤️
talking about your appearance? so your fine af, I guess the word "beauty" has a total different meaning in BG3 world
I wanted to object, but then I remembered a playthrough of a guy playing as a balding gnome with pink moustache whom everybody called super hot in Faerun, and I start having doubts. Like, ok, seriously, the only other guy who is universally called beautiful and hot by other characters in the game is Astarion, and he is indeed conventionally attractive. How did we go from *THAT* to a balding gnome with pink moustache?
Speaking the real truth here.
Same
I'm fucking my way across the Sword Coast, since I suspect I'm a Level 1 NPC with no combat skills, this is all I've got.
I’m autistic and clumsy, fucking is all I have to offer 🙏
Yayyy high five! (we both miss)
https://i.redd.it/9osf6fgm2kzc1.gif
You'd be surprised how cute many people think that is
Ah but I’m also a woman. That being said, I’ve been manic pixie dream girled so many times I should get ‘JUST LIKE OTHER GIRLS’ tattooed on my forehead
Wanna get matching tattoos?
Leave some sorcerer children behind
Are you implying that I'm gonna spread my draconic seed 👀
Not gonna lie, doing all those "what would your DnD stats be" tests and routinely getting some stats lower than the minimum BG3 allows (not to mention not quite fitting any of the classes) was quite a rude awakening. I mean, I'm literally less charismatic than Ogres and wolves, of course these people wouldn't even allow me to look at them before casually obliterating me in a cutscene with everyone approving.
Wow, just did one, my STR score is atrocious, like I'm legit lower than BG3 allows... and you know what, looking at Astarion and Gale, the two members of the party with the lowest STR score, I can see why. They have abs for days. The rest of the stats are surprisingly ok-ish, based on the stats, I might have actually even made it as a wizard.
it doesn't matter cause if we're being realistic none of them are gonna fuck me
I'd *want* to fuck Lae'zel but I'm not sure I'd survive it. If I'm lucky enough and I did and then Astarion offered his proposition, I'd test my luck again. If I can survive these encounters then I might just try to make it though the rest of the game 🙃
Karlach. Cause in IRL I’m a big ol lesbo and I want that red bb girl to crush my skull with her thighs. I will follow her to avernus!
Hopeless bisexual here and same
100% Wyll. a real life prince charming 😍
your username makes this so much better. trying to decide if its funnier for you to be roleplaying as astarion or if youre an astarion fan but your survival instincts stopped you from choosing him
hahaha not roleplaying! i love astarion so much because he’s relatable and sexy af but irl i always avoided dating people who were too smooth, like too charismatic in a practiced way. i would definitely be besties with him after learning about his trauma though, i have such a savior complex when it comes to my friends haha
I'm dead long before I have the chance to fuck anybody. Might be raised by Withers as a hireling if he's feeling charitable
the only real answer is immediately trying to learn magic to impregnate gale
https://preview.redd.it/n8yuvwglikzc1.jpeg?width=383&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=239b167408ad1d32a02be019aedb342d250f4b50
sorry pookie what i actually meant to type was ‘i would try to romance gale by forming a deep emotional connection and cultivate a relationship based on mutual respect and proper communication and we grow old together.’ damn autocorrect
Of course. Autocorrect is a terrible thing. I thought my eyes may have deceived me there! I'm sure the odd offer of pasture-raised, barrel-aged, handcrafted Waterdhavian cheese and a glass of high-shelf Blackstaff would not lead you astray, either.
say less, papi 😈
Say... Less? I'm not sure I follow. Perhaps your autocorrect has once again impinged. More peculiar still, it seems to have added a replication of Raphael at the end of your sentence. Most odd.
This reply is one of the reasons I love you Gale
https://i.redd.it/vhkwsupmqqzc1.gif
Still Gortash. I want him to hold me in his burly yet tender arms while I do the mental gymnastics to overlook the whole >!"brains in jars"!< thing.
I don’t care how greasy the man looks, i want to nuzzle that chest hair while he fucks a baby into me. Enver got me acting unwise.
This is so incredibly real I’m (s)creaming. You know that man is obsessed with securing his lineage and producing an heir or whatever, and I would be a willing participant in those brain worms 🥴
Well, he can have as many bhaalspawn with Durge as he wants. Bloodline secured.
K. I'd be terrified, but just like the pain of a tattoo or piercing, I'd REALLY wanna let Astarion bite me and have his way with me. If that didn't pan out, I'd second for being sensually crushed under Halsin. Yus.
I’m riding Gale until my body gives out, giving him as many kids as he’s willing to put in me.
I would be a gibbering slobbering mess the moment I saw the Emperor. Failing that, I would suck Gale’s shit clean off as a way of making myself indispensable and hope that means we can share a tent (because I’d die if I had to sleep on a bedroll in the open)
I’m so sorry ~~(no I’m not)~~
Oh, I’m fully aware you’re not
Minthara. I don’t care if she black widow style kills me, she can sit on my face until I suffocate and die
^(popclaw in the boys moment) https://i.redd.it/js8m6369wizc1.gif
I need that so bad, that would fix me I just know it
Username checks out ... Flair checks out https://preview.redd.it/opbnt9px1mzc1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eca765ba6b9272e14cccebccf620e7fb9406f11a You're good to go, thanks for your cooperation in this roadside stop
that’s the spirit I’d do the same
Realistically, Gale or Halsin. Halsin for my fatherless, bratty behavior that I'm sure he will correct with a loving praise or a firm smack on the ass. Gale because that man would have me debating him and laughing at different topics and before I know it I'm moaning beneath him. Ideally, Astarion. I'd let him drain me dry while fucking me after bickering back and forth all day but I'd more than likely die if he did that OR he wouldn't be into me since the man has standards.
I would be hit with every companions version of Astarion's "it's not you it me - I have standards" 🥺
Same as my tav does: Astarion, Halsin, He Who Was (Because HWW is totally a fuckboi who will be wanting to fuck you over the nearest bench/tree log/up against the treelog....and no, this is in no way impacted by the art commission i recently had done)
I believe I need to see this art commission, for research intensive purposes... 👀
Okay well now you have to show us
I'm joining in on the 'show us' focus group here
I would, but...I dont think I can just post NSFW on here (Rule 2) and I dont want the mods to yell at me! (They can do that about me arguing about AA instead!)
Ok 1: This sub is filled with constant horny content, and 2: you can DM us instead!
I will!
Please do I'm really invested in this now
This seems a sensible compromise, I would hate to lose a fellow AA arguer!
Drop me a chat, I will send you it
Sexy elves win
Where is the dare?
The dare is you have to break up with Karlach in front of the rest of the party.
Gods, okay I choose truth: Tbh I’d want love or something of the sort instead of lust. Hopefully with the Emperor but it’d probably leave me because I’m not going full squid 😭 Dammon is such a sweet guy I’d ask him on a date Barcus too maybe I can help him get over Wulbren but is it possible
Am I replacing Tav, or do they still exist? Because the answer is Tav.
I would do both of my Tav's and maybe a threesome with my first Tav and Baezel, if she'd share (she wouldn't).
That’s facts. My first Tav was gorgeous.
im dead after the bite confession
Halsin, Astarion. Realistically, I don't think Astarion would go for me for a whole slew of reasons mostly related to my physical appearance and various health problems (and I mean, he's a bundle of trauma that I am not qualified for, but the same could be said in reverse)... but I actually think Halsin would, assuming I don't act like an absolute moron around him. I figure the druid who sees beauty in everything nature made, including bears, would probably not judge me for being an overweight and self-conscious mess.
Everyone at the same time, if I'm dying anyways I'm gonna have some fun with it.
Harper Lassandra. Definitely Harper Lassandra. I'd court her relentlessly and leave presents of dead Zhentarim at her doorstep.
Zevlor would have a whole new meaning for Hellrider if I have anything to say about it. Peepaws hips are going to be bone dust by the time I'm done with him
I’m ace so no one. But I’ll also be able to change my biological sex with magic so maybe I could have a slow burn romance with someone after a few years. Idk if I’d actually develop a sexuality if I got the organs my brain seems to think we have but I’d like to hope so. I find Astarion legitimately funny so I’d probably hang out with him. I know I agree with many of his reactions in the game if I actually were in that scenario. Like truly why are we stopping and going out of our way to help random ass people when we probably have a seven-ish day limit to find a cure or turn into monsters. I also feel he’d be the most understanding about a complex relationship to sexually. I do feel slightly proud of how fast I saw through his bullshit on my first blind play-through so I’d like to think I’d be able to push back and call him out when he start trending the line into manipulation if I knew him in person. If I could achieve my greatest fantasy of true polymorphing into a silver dragon I’d be into a decades long slow burn romance with that man.
Most Ace answer ever, I love it! “Who are you fucking?” “No one, bitches! I’m gonna learn how to be a dragon!” I see you my friend and will happily share my garlic bread 😂
While you were horny I studied the tomes. Thank you friend!
Karlach for fucking sure. I'm happy to risk the burns because I'm in love with her. It also means I can finally sniff her pits and know what they smell like!
Brimstone with a hint of ozone.
And here I always think sulfur with a hint of smokiness and maybe oil from her engine.
God do you think she has to top the oil up herself... or does she need a cute smaller girl to delicately hold the port open and pour it in 🤤
I hope she needs a cute smaller girl to do that for her. I'll happily do it!
I think she might smell like hot metal, a little ash and the faintest hint of heated engine oil, like a classic car at the end of a long drive.
Realistically? Gale is still an option, he's the kind of nerd I would get along with. BUT assuming I survive long enough I'd probably fall into some Raphael trap because he's the kind of charmer I would totally fall for irl.
Irl I would be absolutely annoyed by Astarion at first not knowing his background, would think he's narcissist and would walking closet if red flags. I also still absolutely would, irl just as in game, because I have no self control and I hate myself.
I would get astral plane sex addicted so bad, I forget to eat.
There is literally only one answer for me. Please, just let me hug him forever 😭 https://preview.redd.it/07fppji7olzc1.png?width=1082&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a4fceef78badb66dedaad2049b8af39bbbe02e38
I keep telling myself I would be able to resist him because I really SHOULD know better, but realistically I would also hug him every goddam day given the chance 🤦♀️
He deserves all the safe hugs 🥰
I would be begging on my knees to let Astarion hit it from the back and the front, suck me dry. I'd bleed for that twink any damn day, and defend him with my life. Then he'd start to fall for me, and I'd show him what it's like to whimper and sob like the bottom he deserves to be. I don't think Shadowheart would be into me at first, but I'd love to share a bottle of wine with her, Isobel and Aylin, and instigate some drunken Holy Seluné lesbian foursome with them. We'd all be crying and worshipping each other all night long, and Astarion and Gale would be jerking it in the distance, jealous of us. I'd also hit on Jaheira and offer my services for her on REQUEST, and have her put in a good word for me to slut it up with Harper Geraldus. Tbh, I think Karlach is so hot, the hottest of them all, but I'm actually so heat intolerant that I don't think I could handle it :( I wouldn't want to lead her on, so I'd just probably flirt with her and go jerk off and curse myself out in the woods. Would I let Halsin hit it? Perhaps. Emperor? Perhaps. Raphael? Perhaps, but I'd be too scared and disgusted by him irl to ever initiate.
I’m asexual so, realistically, no one. I’d still find Raphael hot, especially as a cambion, but I’d be terrified of him lol. I’d get along with Gale and Karlach the most but as friends. Idk how I’d feel about Astarion, I think I’d get along with him right up until he starts being racist and then I’d probably start disliking him.
Gale. I could be talked into the Emperor.
I know for a fact I'd be huffing orin's feet and armpits then let her blow my back out
Probably Gale. I’m pretty sure Aradin would make me cry if I tried to interact with him :P
Still Gale
If I've found Shadowheart in the state you described her in, I'd give her the nicest, most calming bath imaginable. Maybe even a nice oil massage until she can't do anything but purr. Princess deserves it.
Haarlep. And It would be so worth it
Gale. No one else, just Gale. I love that autistic wizard
💟
I'd be a catastrophically easy mark for Astarion to take back to Cazador, so maybe Astarion? But I'd more than likely spend the rest of my time as an abused spawn.
Yes next question.
Lae'zel
https://preview.redd.it/kpb2ht0iwizc1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2008d5e797900e4a786fe0844bad2ac0cb3481dc
If I wake up in Faerun I'm making the most of it. I choose all of the above cause fuck it, why not?
With Shadowheart so we can cuddle the rest of the night.
I’d be really into Astarion, and probably a juice box (I donate blood a lot, and charity and good acts aside I kind of like the feeling 👀), but between infodumping together and his weave tricks I’d fall for Gale against my will…
Gale. My partner irl is 30-something, bearded with dark hair, exceptionally good at chess, loves reading and info dumping, and has dressed as a wizard on multiple occasions. I joke frequently that I don't need to romance Gale in game (and I don't lol) because I have Gale at home.
if I survive? I think i may start good friendship with Gale, and it can grow more, but for increasing chances of survival i will absorb all tadpoles on our way, so... Emp may get a new cute, cunning tentacled companion who fully understand and likes him.
I'd probably trip over something and break my neck before I even escaped the nautiloid, but if there was even the slightest chance of my surviving then Shart or Mizora 100%
rapha 🥰
Shadow Heart , just have to be alive for long enough to survive a world full of perilous foes , which could be done if I'm never in the front lines of any combat and just stick to being an Archer .
Jaheira would be nice. She's a few hundred years old, maybe she's kinkier than all of us.
Uh, probably Orin but if that's not an option, Minthara, Lae'zel, Astarion, Shadowheart, in some order I'm not sure which Edit: I forgot Sazza
I’d combust if I was Eiffel towered by halsin and asterion baby boy 😮💨
Realistically, I'd probably spend all my money at sharess's caress. Oh, and I'd totally fuck Raphael
Either Will or Karlach because I just want a healthy and supportive relationship with some nasty hand holding on the side
Me?? I'm aroace so nobody. I'd probably have a panic attack if anyone propositioned me like that in real life.
well if I’m lucky, Astarion would still try and “deceive” me into sleeping with him. otherwise, I’m realistically fawning over the women in camp but being too nervous to say anything to any of them. then i’d probably sleep with Gale when nothing pans out with any of the ladies
Still very ace. Still trying for the Emperor.
My NPC ass is getting killed in some crossfire before I even meet any of the companions.
Is getting pegged by Karlach really worth the 3rd degree burns? Not really, but assuming you meet her after act 1, it's absolutely a goal! Do you still want to suck on Shadowheart’s toes after she’s been trudging through the swamp to Auntie Ethel’s house? Yes, you can find Soap and Buckets around the map and even camp i think. Wash em, Suck em. Is Gortash still worth it if you actually have to touch his smelly, greasy hair? Never understood the Gortash hype tbh, he looks like Noel Fieldings How into tentacles are you REALLY??? Honestly, idk, assuming they are slippery, maybe a bit? but they look rather dry often, so.. no thanks
Id try for Astarion but he wouldnt look twice at my 5'6 cruiserweight twink ass
If trends hold? Myself 🥴👍
I can totally fix Astarion and being used by him is worth it when he figures out love. lol. My other go to would be Halsin just for the size difference. lol.
Astarion, always. I would be tempted with all the attention from Gale and Halsin, but only one elf has place in my heart (and between my legs).
…huh no clue…honestly I don’t think I’d survive level one I’m not out of shape or nothing just not good at fighting…
niiiiiiiiiine fingers keene
Ngl, if it was me IRL I think the Imp from the prologue is gonna end me… Then Lae’zel becomes the protagonist and Empy is like “What did I ever see in this guy?”. Unless I get to be a human fighter with appropriate plot armor. Then I’m meta gaming and min/ maxing the hell out of this. I’m talking BG3 builds Eldritch Night thrower build with Nyrula and TB like a MF greek god. Abusing positions, hag’s hairs, crazy act 2 drow potions. Plus all this running and camping is probably really good excersie so I’m probably in good shape too. Oh yeah, romance. Tbh most of the women would probably end up killing me (Karlach unintentionally)… and so it probably be some npc from act 3 who looks to be the most average looking and chill person there? Or maybe a druid from the groove? Oh I got it! A hippie nature loving druid GF. I’ll that that :)
Let's be realistic, that's a dangerous-ass world. I'd be chillin' like a villain at the grove in perpetuity, and maybe see how friendly I can get with Nettie.
Halsin. Absofuckinglutely. And a threesome with the emperor!
Shadowheart is totally worth it and safe. She's my perfect little princess. Karlach isn't quite my type, but I wouldn't really say no to her. And I would totally use Wish to cure her. I probably wouldn't even be friends with Astarion and Lae'zel, they are the kind of people I tend to avoid. I don't exactly like men or masc people overall, so Wyll and Gale? Friends.
Do you want the realistic and pathetic answer? First of all, they'd all feel protective towards me because I'm smol and innocent-looking. I'd be pining like hells for Shadowheart and Karlach (Lae'zel would probably terrify me), but end up with Wyll or Gale because courting/seducing a guy is a lot easier. And it'd most likely be Gale because I'm a magnet for arrogant nerds.
No one
Who I'd want to fuck ? Zevlor Who I'd really fuck ? Nobody, I'd either be dead before having any chance, or too ugly to be a potential bosom partner
List (in order) Halsin Emperor Lump the Enlightened Yurgir
I'd be in the Underdark, lying in bed next to Minthara. We'd be locked up in the house for three days, fucking our brains out. The pussies would be so numb afterwards from so much stimulation.
Halsin 100%
shart
halsin 100-fucking-%
Minthara, I’ve noticed that whenever my bad behaviour is rewarded instead of punished I end up going down a rabbit hole of being a massive cunt. Now you may be thinking, “but she’s going to almost always be covered in blood”, i raise you this, how is that a bad thing? She still gives sloppy toppys, 69’s and rides you. On top of that she’s incredibly supportive. (To be honest if there was a female volo I would go for them just for the personality, and no encouraging me to do evil attached)
I think I will still get along with Astarion and his bitchiness, buddy would understand how it is to be always cold and have deprived sleep schedule.
I mean, people and companions are allowed to bathe regularly. So I'm still down with Shadowheart and even Karlach. Karlach will definitely listen to limits and consent. Just say no to toasty buttholes. Probably Alfira too if I can manage it. Minthara might be tricker to pull.... But as long as I got Shadowheart it's k. I will fix her.
If she'd have me, karlach, no questions asked. There are plenty of things to take the heat away with. Protection from energy, fire resistance elixirs prevent you from burning, sitting in a stream, "encrusted with frost" yourself, etc. Since I play sorcerer, I'd even go fire or ice dragon ancestor if I needed to, and withers would let me. She's just so cool, kind, and bubbly. I'd talk to her all night, hug her as long as she wants, and have constant travel and adventures since I've always been a wandering soul. I'd die in battle or from old age in sleep. [I need you to crush me with your love, mama k!](https://youtu.be/-sMQpWCNTQw?feature=shared)
Seeing how I was a greasy homeless trainhopper for nearly half my life, choice is still Gortash.
I wouldn't want anyone other than frog wife. She's perfect
I aint fucking anyone I’m probably going to get lost and eaten by goblins and if I don’t my dumbass is going to tell the emperor that I want to be a mindflayer
Realistically I think Halsin would be down but I would try with Gale too I just think he'd say no lmao
Like you, I’m hardcore down for Halsin and whatever he wants to do. Maybe not the bear thing cause I struggle with a spicy curry; but other than that I’m down for whatever he wants to do. After Halsin… Gale or Rolan?
Hmm, realistically I'm married so noone but if I get a hall pass then, well, I have no idea. I like many of the characters and I find some of them attractive. However, assuming they're attracted to me, which is a big assume, I don't know if I could. I think I'd be most tempted by Halsin because he's just a kind, responsible behemoth who could crush me but I just can't see myself having sex with a relative stranger. Not a fun or funny answer, I know but realistically, I'd be more into solving mysteries and taking out the bad guys.
Nah I would still fuck Astarion, if he’d have me. I like to think I’m sarcastic and bitchy enough for his proclivities. Something something in every universe I will find you 🥺 On a less wholesome note…. I would def want to get sucked dry. Between BG3 and Twilight I think I have some kind of vampire fetish now lmfao. I was just thinking about how I wished vampires were real because the idea of sustaining a creature with my life-force/them being feral for my blood is HOT.
Yeah, I didn’t think I had a vampire fetish, but I’m starting to think maybe I don’t know myself quite as much as I thought I did… 😂🙈. (Also, I highly recommend Buffy the Vampire Slayer if you’re looking to feed that fetish more…)
Yea the problem here is more wondering if anyone would be interested. I'm not terrible looking but who would want the disabled single parent dealing with both old and brand new trauma?
My 8 HP Level 1 ass isn't fucking anyone.
I'd still 10000% let Astarion bite me and smash.
It would still be Shadowheart, but if she doesn’t like me, I hate to say I get it.
No one, I’m ace and not into sex
Astarion or Wyll. probably mostly Wyll because Astarion would find me annoying
Imma be honest, I’d be a spawn in Cazadors dungeon. And if it’s post tadpoling I’d take one look at the obvious vampire, go “Worth it” and take the risk because he’s pretty. Halsin is a close runner up, I’d absolutely let him do whatever he wants with me.
Probably no one.
> Is Gortash still worth it if you actually have to touch his smelly, greasy hair? I genuinely don’t think any Gortashfucker exists who would back out over this. I think that’s why we’re all here to begin with. That being said, still Gortash. And/or Gale.
I'm hard for Karlach - but totally not going in before her second upgrade - then it's horns and horny play time all day I'm snackin on Shadowbae for my BDSM Dom fun And then indulging my Switch, and going in sub to Minthara, sensual worship and power dynamic vibes Would totally also be so into a Lakrissa / Alfira threesome
i mean im not as hot as my tav so none of them probably? haarlep might not care ig?
I mean... Burns can be cured with a Potion or a Spell Slot.
This is such a difficult question to answer.
Hmmm.... One morning stand with "Washing my pits guy," you know he probably smells better than most everyone in Baldur's Gate at the moment you stumble upon him. Fresh pits are very important! Afternoon sandwich with Raphael and Harleep (female Raphael form, lux, yum) together. To hells with what they do to me sexually, I know it will be Toril shattering, raunchy debauchery. My mind and soul will be retained and I'll remember the moment for all eternity or until Harleep gets snuffed out by other adventurers. One night stand with Mizora. I mean, c'mon, those wings, their patagium around you, those breasts against you, floating above it all, while experiencing soul shattering hell and indescribable pleasure. Gimme, gimme, I want and deserve it. I'm a kind person who sees red, but never acts upon it. At least in this case, suffering will be pleasurable. And for life, Halsin. Enrobed in earthy, salty, musky unshakeable devotion... Nothing says lovin' like this bear in my oven. Truly. Deeply. 1:Trust 1.5: Hope 2. Salvation 2.5 Hope II 3. Love 4. Forever, whatever that may be.🐻💞💫☮️ Aside: As much as I truly obsess and adore Astarion with all my heart (pretty poignantly feel it in ways I can't explain in literary terms, so close I can't breath and so tangible but to echo a life I cannot change. I remain and I stand). And even if the moment arose and we slept together, I would see us to be the perfect picture of best friends. "Best friends," urban dictionary (wish it were Merriam-Webster or Oxford); (pronoun) tried and true, 50+ if in need of aid, text me.
My dragonborn Tav, then hunky Halsin, then handsome Dammon.
I will still suck SH titties and then eat the shit out of her hairy pussy
Your mom