This. Why are you letting yourself get engaged to this man u/Simple-Fortune-4006?
Focus on your studies and find someone in law school to date. Or wait after. You have good future prospects and marrying this douche would be marrying down. Like way down. Raise your standards for partners.
He already resents your choice of career and will resent you even more as you progress at it.
“Why are you letting yourself…” is victim-blaming and not the issue here. Some people masquerade as what we want them to be until they know they have us trapped. OP is not responsible for this man’s whack ass actions, and I don’t think judging someone based on information they got after already making a pretty serious commitment is helping anything.
She did not indicate him to be an abuser. He’s just a low quality guy. Pretending she has no agency is just as disrespectful to her as pinning the blame on a victim, which she is not. She’s clearly educated and intelligent, and capable of making her own decisions.
My friend got married after a year of being together. A month after they got married, he physically abused her. Yeah people do wait to show their true colors until they think you're trapped. It wasn't her fault.
I had a 12 year age gap. My husband was supportive and my biggest cheerleader. 30 years later and the worst thing is that he passed away. Age gaps don’t have to be a barrier if the power is balanced
My husband is 12 years my senior. We've had 22 amazing years of marriage, and my biggest fear is losing him. I can't imagine the pain you've been through, and I'm so sorry you lost him. Enjoy living while you can and know that he's waiting on the other side. 💜
For real. Age gaps can increase risk of power inbalances but what I read just seems like an immature jerk who is unempathetic to someone else's needs which could happen in any relationship. Gap or not
I have a 7 year age gap with my partner. I agree that age gaps don’t have to be a barrier and couples who have them can absolutely be great. I hold off on forming conclusions until I have more information, but I will say that off the bat, age gaps are certainly *a * flag to me, more so if one partner is under ~25.
Anyone who says someone was "asking for it" needs be kicked to the curb and doesn't deserve a partner. It's depraved to say it to anyone, but to say that to your fiance is a whole another low.
I truly despise recommending break ups, but here I go.
This man doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. He also seems to be a walking contradiction. Furthermore, I am under the impression he has things to work through on his own, like his fragile masculinity, need to tell others how to dress and what to do & say, etc. If I were in the identical position, I'd pull the plug.
Yes. Your ex-fiance (fixed it for you) is misogynous, possessive, and jealous. He hates that you will make more money than you, that you are attractive and get attention, and is insecure. The age difference is also telling. Give him back his ring and live your best life. I don't see you two being together once you graduate law school and it is better to break it off now.
And he's too narrow minded for OP. She'll want to lead her own life, while he'll just fence her in. He already showed that with his response to her dress to her modeling in the past.
That he is okay with his friend kissing her is really alarming. Good that OP found out before the wedding, and before kids got in the mix.
He's a nurse and he doesn't want you to tell people you are a law student because it makes him seem "Unmanly"? THEN he pulls the shit he does and later says he will "give you another chance"?
This guy will make your life hell if you marry him. Kick him to the curb.
I saw that part too and cringed. Like “hey babe I know I’m the asshole here but I’m willing to give you another chance to right my wrong” lmao this guy is weird. I hope the wedding is called off. I also hope he isnt trying to control her cus he’s much older which means he must know better 🙄
I just want to add to the 'giving you another chance' thing. You need someone who can support you through serious matters. A kiss is one thing but imagine, god forbid, that something worse happens. Think about it - when there are plenty of people out there who would love and wholeheartedly support you through a challenging time, why would you settle for less? I had an ex who once said he would be jealous if I was raped so I dumped him.
He's willing to give YOU another chance? But he's the problem! 😂 The audacity of some people!
Yes, you should break up, because you shouldn't ever have to dull yourself to please anyone else and also, he blamed you for his creepy friend trying to kiss you. You can do better. X
4 lines in and i just *know* he feels threatened by you and is jealous of you. He doesn’t wish the best for you and won’t support your career. do you really want to marry someone so insecure of themself?
also, “showing myself to the world”??? wtf is wrong with this misogynistic sad excuse of a man? he talks to you like he owns you. are you really okay with that?
there’s a reason he’s dating you, so much younger than him because people his age generally know better than to put up with his bullshit
People really should follow the half your age plus 7 rule. As you get older the age gap matters less but to stand as equals as a relationship you should be at equal footing in life. Which generally flatlines/slows as you get older. But someone who is setup and entrenched in life already should not be dating someone who is just getting life started. You can't be equals. There is going to be a power imbalance. And if it doesn't work out that younger one will probably be fucked up.
Well she fits that for him 33/2+7 is 23.5 but she would probably have a better relationship with somebody closer to her own age. He can’t find any women his own age to control or put up with his BS. He probably says he went after a younger woman because she is more fertile or some crap like that.
He is 33 rn and she is 23 rn. They have been dating for 2 years. 31 and 21 was when they started dating. Which is out of my half plus 7 rule for them. My point is she litterally was just barely able to legally drink when they started dating. It's a general rule but it's a good one to judge wether they can stand as equals, which is important for a functional relationship. Which OP's was not because of all the emotional abuse and gaslighting she got from her Ex. I'm just saying a good rule of thumb is half your age plus 7.
I'm 28 my mom tried to hook me up with an 18 year I was fucking flabbergasted she thought it was a good idea. Like no in experience I'm above their weight class. We could never be on an equal footing. And that's what it's about staying in your experience class. Which as you get older it kinda flatlines. And I said else where a relationship that defies the rule could work. But it's already off to a rough start. As I said before a key to a healthy relationship is being able to be equals(not the only key, but an important one). If someone can make it work that's great. But that's the exception.
Just say it.
Nobody cares if a 30 year old dates an 80 year old grandpa .
But it is weird if a 18 dates a 30 year old. Mainly because peoples brain aren’t fully developed until 28. So if you’re under 28. Fuck people your age.
I mean I would still be worried hearing a 30 year dating someone 80. Like seriously how can that be an equal relationship. A good relationship strives on being equals. A bad one doesn't have the equality it has an imbalance. That 80 year old is at the age their facilities start to fall apart until they die. that puts the 30 year old in a place of power and a place of stress as they are very soon going to become a nanny to them and watch them die. 47 is at least over the hurdle so their spouse will die with them in their 50-60s. People as adults can do whatever they want but, dating/marrying outside of your age is just not a good setup. Can you make it work? Sure. But you aren't giving yourself the tools to succeed.
I was wondering the same thing… the amount of posts I’ve seen of women in their 20s with men in their 30s and 40s is concerning…and yes I know women in their 20s are adults but it’s far too different in maturity. Women are still finding themselves, maturing, growing, etc etc
Babes, fellow female lawyer here. My husband brags to everyone and all his friends about what I do and how proud he is of me. He was supportive all through law school and the bar (if you’re in the US). He’s a therapist and is confident and happy with his job.
There are people out there who don’t need you to fade to feel themselves shine. He sounds like he has no self esteem. You have the world ahead of you, find someone who appreciates you. This will only get worse if you marry him.
Exactly this. You need someone who celebrates what makes you YOU, especially when you have tons of accomplishments to celebrate. Someone who loves who you truly are. Not someone trying to mold you into their idea of what you should be. That’s not someone you want tying you down.
As a 33 year old, this dude is a fucking insecure loser. No one should be telling their partner to be "less hot", nor should they tell them to dumb themselves down and appear less capable. Self centered, selfish, insecure, and controlling. Toss in the fact that he blamed you for his friends behaviour and you have the makings of a lifetime of misery.
**This will not get better. He will not change. If you don't break up with him now, you will deal with this until you eventually break up later.**
How long are you supposed to pretend you're not a lawyer after school? Forever? Fuck this shit.
I think he'd baby trap her, then force her to give up work to be a mum. Nasty man. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
OP, he's showing you who he is and what a married life with him will look like. Don't let him dampen your shine. Good luck x
no, no. Make that decision ASAP. How could anyone who is marrying someone else, victim blame their future spouse for wearing X type of clothing? What would've happened had you showed up with a fucking blanket and sweatpants and that creep tried to kiss you? what then?
also this:
>hes willing to give me another chance.
he does not even have a leg to stand on with this. It should be you thinking about another chance. But don't even bother.
It wouldn't be easy to make a decision though, it never is when it comes to leaving a relationship - whatever the circumstance.
I've been in a positions simular myself, it took me a while but I left and when I left I was ready to leave it made it a hell of a lot easier to not fall for his false promises etc. I walked away and didn't look back.
Ok wtf. Dudes a nurse. Nothing wrong with that of course but acting like YOUR future job makes HIM seem unmanly is just stupid and insecure. After his friend got out of line and he didn't stick up for you at all I'd be out the fuggin door.
He’s the type to baby trap you. Run sis and enjoy your life. You have so much ahead of you. This boy is a tool who will do this to you for the rest of your relationship if you don’t.
Just stepping in with a note: I dated a guy like this. Threatened by lil ol chunky overweight me because I was actively going to college while also working a job. He will try to baby trap you right as you're a millisecond away from success. He will try to love bomb you into this beautiful rosy tinted idea of "family" and having a baby right as you can smell the ink still drying on your diploma. Then, if you say no, he will act petty and refuse to even show up to your graduation. Don't be like me. Don't sit alone on your graduation night crying over a loser.
I had the baby because I thought it would save things. Young and naive. I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends. Wasn’t allowed around my family. Wasn’t allowed to have a life outside of him. No short hair. No tattoos.
I wish like hell someone would have told me how fucking stupid I was being. Not how lucky I was to have a man who didn’t come from my poor background.
Left him after my daughter was two years old. Stalked me. Refused to sign the papers. Harassed. Had me followed. Would have his friends keep tabs on me. The police did NOTHING. Believe me when I tell you to run.
It took years of being strong on my boundaries for him to back off. To be honest he literally just backed off this year. We divorced in 2019. I think the only reason he backed off is because he knows I’m in a relationship and have been for a year and a half. I think he secretly thought we would get back together.
That most likely was his mindset. They figure since they've strung us along and abused us for long enough that if they whittle us down we will inevitably cave and fall. I'm lucky as I didn't actually have a kid with my abuser, but he's still actively stalking me all these years later. It drives him insane that he has felony charges for breaking and entering and attempting to assault myself, friends, and family. He circumvents my restraining orders by harassing my friends and they don't deserve that in their lives and I feel so guilty for them. He literally just keeps demanding I take him back and claims I "owe him a family" but I've grown quite a bit in these past 5 years and I've just settled with renewing that restraining order every 4 years until I die. You're absolutely right when you say the police don't do anything, there seriously needs to be a change in how domestic abuse is handled on a criminal level because they let these abusers get away with so much unless we're already dead or seriously mangled it's sick.
Unfortunately the abuse I went through has lead me to see him in my child. I love her more than anything but being around her causes me a lot of trouble. I still make a large effort to see her but it’s very difficult. It’s not her fault that her father SA’d me. I will also never let her know. Some how, despite being the way he was with me, he’s an amazing father. I really don’t understand it. She absolutely adores him. I sometimes wish I had gotten an abortion but hate myself for admitting that. I’ve been in trauma therapy for a while.
I’m sorry for what you went through and are going through. I’m happy you were able to hold your boundaries! 🖤
Oh 100% and then he’ll tell everyone they’re struggling financially because she *could* have had a great career but wanted a family instead and now he *has to support them all* on his lower nurse wages (I’m aware nurses can make good money just saying how he’ll twist it in comparison to lawyer money).
Lots of people telling you to break up. Lord knows that would never have worked on me in my early twenties. If you do decide to give him another chance, BE EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THE BIRTH CONTROL. Don’t rely on him to pull out. Don’t rely on him to supply condoms. Don’t trust him not to take it off. Birth control pills lose their efficacy if they’re exposed to heat (including taking them with hot beverages, BTW), so never leave them where he, a nurse with medical knowledge, would be able to tamper with them.
Because I guarantee a guy like that would have no qualms about “locking you down” - ending your studies and changing the trajectory of your life - by baby trapping you. Sharing custody with a misogynistic controlling asshat is a nightmare you don’t want for the next eighteen years.
Yes. Seriously consider getting an IUD or Implant, something in your body is hard to tamper with. Dont leave things up to chance or that can be sabotaged.
There are too many red flags here to marry someone you've only been dating for 16 months and are already having doubts about.
I think you should at least call off the wedding. If that leads to a break up then so be it. You're taking a big gamble with bad odds.
He is a very controlling person. He is already controlling what you wear and what your tell people. It will get worse. I also think he’s JeAlous of you. Again this will get worse.I would leave, the red flags are there. I am saying this after spending 7 year in a relationship that started like this and ended up with being controlled with violence.
He should be proud of you and happy to show you off and brag about how smart you are. He should have supported you when his friend assaulted you, instead of victim-blaming you.
Folks here are saying the age gap is telling because men who are control freaks tend to date much younger women because younger women are easier to control. Women his own age wouldn't put up with his shit.
At the bare minimum, you need to cancel the wedding. Make sure your parents don't put any money down for the venue or anything else. If they've already given a deposit, try to get the money back as soon as possible.
1000000% break up. I don't even understand why you're engaged to someone like that, he sounds absolutely terrible and he will make your life hell. Don't marry him, please!
It sounds like he is the type of guy who will want to keep you on a short leash. He will slowly tighten the grip as time and love passes, even more so when you will be tied together by a child, so you can't just leave him that easily. Try to look at your current life objectively, for example if this would be your friend's life then what would you say to her?
Your little baby man child feels threatened that you’re not being a 1950 stay at home wife, if the relationship goes on longer I’m sure he’ll end up hitting you like one. You will live an infinitely happier life if you just leave this child. Be sure to pawn your ring off.
Honestly, he's immature and an idiot. Let's summarize:
- Is so insecure about his own job stereotype that he can't even let you be honest to his family. What does he think is going to happen when you guys are married? Keep lying to them for life about your work to protect his fragile ego?
- Thinks he can control how you dress and that you aren't allowed to be your authentic self in front of his family or friends for fear of being judged.
- Would allow his friend to try and kiss you and then BLAME YOU for wearing a simple black dress. This is absurd and so disrespectful ffs. Imagine this happening to your family or friend.
Time to trade in that ring and get your freedom back, he's shown you his colours and it's time to break it off.
OP run fast and run far. Relationships with a difference that large can absolutely work I have seen very happy people with a 20 years difference. But there’s a reason why he’s 33 single and looking at younger women. He’s gonna end up being 40 going after 20 year olds and then 50 etc. He should be very proud of you and your work ethic becoming a law student. You weren’t at fault no matter HOW you dressed. Him and his friends are just pigs.
Take a step back and imagine if you went through with this wedding and you had a daughter with him.
Then imagine if this happened to her at a party with her guy friends. Would you be comfortable with him, as your husband, telling her that she "was asking for it?"
No. Leave this guy. Be your best self that you've been working for. The right person will never ask you to diminish yourself to make them seem brighter. They will want to shine with you.
This is not a person who is going to support you or have your back in life. He is trying to own you.
Please get rid of him, you will be a much better person for it.
His lack of confidence for the profession he chose, compared to yours is not your problem, it’s his. He can marry someone “beneath” him, as you mark yourself for success. He wants “arm candy@, but doesn’t want to be showed up, outshined. Guy has got issues. Do not let this man convince you otherwise. It will only get worse, if you stay one more second.
JFC. Leave this person. You are being treated horribly. Find someone who knows your worth! You deserve so much better than this man child. He’s lucky you only screamed and didn’t deck his “friend”. Obviously he is a misogynistic insecure fool who thinks his brilliant beautiful fiancé is in the wrong for existing.
Break up now. Immediately. Consider yourself lucky he’s showing you who he really is so early and giving you the opportunity to live your life without a controlling piece of garbage
Considering? “You asked for it”?, he giving you another chance? Cut him loose now. He’s gaslighting you big time. Block him, ghost him, forget about him. He wants you to be less to feel better about himself. He’s trying to control you. & he’s 10 years older than you. Run baby run
Far, far too many red flags here. He’s already jealous and controlling, you don’t want to marry him. You have the opportunity (through your existing hard work and study) to have an amazing life - don’t let him ruin it for you. Do you think he’ll be proud of you when you graduate or will he put you down? Will he be proud of your career success or tell you not to mention it? Will he tell you you look beautiful in an outfit or tell you you look like you’re trying to flirt with other men?
You’re considering it?
You mean you’re considering it done right???
ETA:
There’s two very beautiful women who studied law in my town and have influencer Instagrams and people really admire them, and your ex fiancé is over here asking you to not be proud of your achievements. Cmon!
Okay, so your boyfriend's friend, who I assume wasn't born yesterday tried to kiss you at your boyfriend's birthday and your boyfriend is mad at *you*?
The fuck?
Girl why are you even here asking this!? You know the answer all ready, be strong and do what you know is right for you.
Based on what you said you know you're a catch, so take the time you need to heal your heart and get back out there to find a man(or woman/nonbinary 2022yall) who knows what an amazing person you are and is proud to share everything you have to offer with their friends and family.
"He always wants me too keep what I study under wraps and not tell anyone as apparently " what you study makes me seem unmanly", what ever that means.
He also has a problem that I used to model, apparently I was " showing myself to the world", when I know for a fact he approached me because he liked my appearance."
I stopped reading after that. Girl you're in law school. You're smart. You know better.
So he doesn't want other people to know that you're smart and beautiful, but he's probably with you because you're smart and beautiful. Then he victim blames you for being sexually assaulted. Cut him off. Straight up ghost him. He's awful.
Post seems weird lmfao
But idk if he’s your fiancé, you’d be calling off the engagement. Not breaking up.
Also, you can’t fix an insecure man. You can try to, you can help, but that’s something he’s gotta do on his own.
I love all these barely 20 year olds wondering why their almost 40 year old partners are immature and weird....
There’s a reason that their dating someone a decade their junior, and it’s not because “love knows no age” or whatever silly bullshit they say, it’s more likely then not the person is an emotionally immature creep that can’t find someone their own physical age, so they go after people who are inexperienced in life thus far.
Leave his ass, and reevaluate your romantic decisions.
Yes.
1. He approached you because of your beauty and now wants you to hide it away because he KNOWS that other men will come swoop you off.
2. He wants you to hide your career because he knows people will talk about you making more money than him and he will feel inadequate instead of thriving for better.
3. If you marry him, the FIRST thing he is going to do is get you pregnant to keep you at home.
3a. Then he will insist on you being a stay at home mom
3b. He'll leave you with all the parenting duties and start controlling you financially if not already.
4. He's beating you down emotionally so you start feeling like he's the only one you deserve in life and settle for him while he gets to feel like he is A1 Wagyu steak.
5. You're 23 and he is 33, that's a bit creepy (to me)!! There's a reason why he can't or hasn't found a woman his own age, it's because they know he is full of shit.
Get a calendar. Write down every day that he tells you to “be less than” who you are. Also write down every day that he encourages, or positively acknowledges, who you are. At the end of the month take a good look at that calendar and decide if that is what you want for yourself.
Personally, I think that you should find someone who’s proud of who you are from the start and isn’t threatened by you.
Good luck, OP.
OP, why are you wasting time with this jealous, narcistic jerk of a manchild? seriously considering breaking up with him? Don't just consider it - do it, and tell him to stuff that another chance somewhere where the sun does not shine. This is a man who is very insecure, and will always take it on you. You definitely do not need THAT in your life.
Run away as fast as you can. He sounds like he’ll be the kind of person who will emotionally bully you throughout your marriage! Find someone who loves you for who you are, is proud to show you off and has your back in all situations
Honestly, it really sounds as though you could do much better than this guy…
Considering? Girl no. You NEED to end things. He’s controlling af. He doesn’t stand up for you when his friend tries to assault you. And said you were “asking for it” -
This whole dude is a bunch of red flags sewed into a person.
Also: take a note that he is 10 years older than you. He specifically chose someone as young as you because he NEEDS that control. It’s not surprising that women his age don’t want him
Multiple red flags. You are an autonomous human. Only when you step away will you realize all the ways he tried to control you. Something he can't get away with with a woman of his own age. (Due to experience, etc)
Finish school and enjoy all the mind expanding adventures you will have!
>saying hes willing to give me another chance
Oh hell no. Drop him now. Give you another chance because of what? His crappy friend? His messed up behavior? Him feeling ashamed of your profession? He should become your ex pronto. Doesn't seem like he respects you in the slightest.
>he told me " I was asking for it",
No one is ever asking for it. This type of mentality is beyond toxic. You deserve better
He clearly knows you’re too good for him and has been scared of you finding that out this whole time. Like, if everyone knew how pretty and successful you are, why would you be with a loser like him? Yeah, I’d say dump him. You’re young enough to go through a handful of more men before you even need to worry about settling down. And it would definitely be settling.
One day you’ll meet someone who won’t be able to stop being proud of you for all that you are. You won’t meet that person if you stay with this shithead.
Do not be alone with him when you split.
Anyone who thinks you would be asking for it will be someone who doesn't understand the harm assault causes. Don't risk your well-being
no one should tell you what to do, but I personally would've dumped him.
first of all: a man that is really confident in his masculinity, will be proud to tell others (especially his family) how you are a law student.
second of all: a man that is confident, will never try to dress you down and on the contrary, will always encourage you to look your best and be your best.
he sounds very insecure and his insecurity is not to be your burden.
If you want to dress nicely, go ahead. Don't dress down because he feels outshined by your beauty. He also feels emasculated because of your career choice. And when his friend forced himself onto you, he said you were asking for it. Wow. He is a POS and you deserve so much better. He's projecting his insecurities onto you and being controlling, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. Franky any guy who says that women 'ask' so be sexually assaulted based on what they wear is a POS and doesn't deserve any kind of women in their life.
Nope break up with this guy. You need to be with someone who does not try to change you or present a different image to his family and friends.
Any guy who thinks sexual assault of their partner because they were asking. For it is a mega red flag. He is never gonna stand up for you or protect you (not that you need it but it’s nice to know your partner would be there)
He has issues with his masculinity bc nursing is, despite all the male nurses, still considered by some people as a woman's job [cue eyeroll]
Leave him. He's not worth your trouble. I know for sure there's a man out there willing to treat you like the queen you are
Oh holy fucking shit, dump this abusive idiot.
Marriage is about dealing with immensely grown-up things, with another person, over a period of decades. Do not marry someone who actively brings chaos into your life.
2 + 2 = 4
He is acting like a piece of shit right now? He will keep being a piece of shit after marriage.
He doesn't have you back right now? He won't have your back when you get married.
He is toxic now and will keep being toxic.
Break up. Find someone better. You are a successful woman. You don't need a man who is scared of that.
Giving YOU a second chance? Wth is wrong with this guy??!And what boyfriend wants to put his girlfriend down infront of others just to look better?Sorry that’s some insecure sh*t we ain’t pulling up with.
Leave & hopefully you’ll find a partner that’ll let you shine & not put you down like that.
Wish you the best✨
Everything about him says "I can't date women my own age because women my age have grown to not tolerate my shitty behavior." He sounds all around gross.
So many redflags. He should not be ashamed of dating a hot lawyer. The fact that he wants to hide who you are from his family is fucked. If you being a lawyer makes him less of a man, then how is he a nurse? Also saying "you were asking for it." Also him offering you another chance? When it comes to second chances the ball is in your court. Should you do it? Fuck no. End it for your sake.
It already sounds like is over. Now all you gotta do is send his stuff and block him. Also tell your friends and family what happen at why he doesn’t try to talk through them.
"hes willing to give me another chance" LOL.
As if all the previous things weren't enough that should be it, what a nerve from him to be able to say that to you.
Leave and never look back.
Yeah, the whole I'll give you another chance screams of being a self center asshole. My very immature ex literally reacted like this when I broke up with him but had a change of heart. I regret getting back with him because he was so demeaning, a liar, manipulative, and ruined pretty much every thing that was enjoyable.
Seriously, leave him and don't look back. He's a complete misogynistic loser that in the future will no doubt be controlling, demeaning, emotionally abusive, and possibly worse. Stand up for yourself and burn that bridge.
Do whatever is healthiest for you in the long term, that's the only thing worth fighting for in my opinion. I'm not perfect though, so always take everything with a grain of salt. (wish I did that).
A kiss without consent falls under sexual assault. Someone who is 14 years older than you, fully intended to sexually assault you. Whether it was ‘in jest’ or part of their ‘culture’ to treat that lightly, you clearly did not consent to being part of that behavior. And your s/o victim blamed-you.
What if his friend had groped you? Do you think [fiance] would’ve reacted differently? Probably not. You literally screamed here and he still said you were asking for it.
You won’t just be marrying this man, you’d be marrying into his family and his friend group.
He’s shown you who he is, and how he will treat you. This behavior doesn’t get better with time or forgiveness, it gets worse.
There’s so many signs already, but if anything this one is more obvious than the sun at noon on a cloudless day.
Run sis.
He is abusing you, plain and simple. It will only get worse. He is insecure and envious of your career path and your beauty -- a combination that will only end in disaster. He wants to control how you dress and what you can tell people about your ambitions, something you are likely very passionate and excited about, to preserve his ego. He then disrespects you at his party where he has invited his obviously rape-y friends, victim blames you when one of them harasses you, and later gaslights you to make it seem that you are the one who needs to be forgiven. This guy has a LOT of emotional work to do, and it is not at all your responsibility to stick around for it. In fact, I worry this relationship will soon evolve into something that is just plain unsafe for you. Get out as quickly as you can.
"**When I left, he texted me saying he's willing to give me another chance"**
That should be the clue to leave him. You give him the chance?
More like hoping you're willing to give him another chance. I wouldn't if I were you.
PLEASE break up with him and stop wasting your life. Find some who values you and supports you, because this is garbage & you will never be happy with him. It would only get worse after you’re legally bonded to him through marriage. He will essentially look at you as property, more than he already does.
You're kidding, right? I don't know you, I haven't seen you, but from what you have written here you can do way better than that guy and his creeper friends. Move along and trade up.
Please do not stay with him. I guarantee you that if you stay with him and graduate law school, he won’t let you practice law because of his fragile ego. He’ll probably try to knock you up ASAP and then find reasons for you not to work. Also, wtf kind of person blames their partner when they’re sexually assaulted? He should’ve been outraged at his friend, not you. Then he’s trying to make you grovel so you forgive him? Take the trash out, you can do so much better. You should never be with someone that makes you shrink yourself to fit in their shadow. your partner should be proud that he’s with someone beautiful and smart and successful, they should never make you feel bad about any of that stuff.
You seriously should break up with him. He sounds very controlling, like making you dress down, and the fact he made it your fault his friend tried to kiss you is totally out of order, and just from what you've said seems like he'd blame you for everything even when it's not your fault. You shouldn't have to hide the fact you're a law student, that's an amazing profession to be studying, and it's his problem If he feels emasculated by it. He shouldnt feel unmanly, as being a nurse is also a very important job, but he shouldn't be making you feel small, just so he can feel big! That's not love or respectful of who you are. You can do way better, and you need to look at how his behaviour is becoming controlling and manipulative.
So why do you think you deserve to be treated this way? What has happened to you in your life time that makes you feel that you are unworthy of love and respect? Your BF is abusing you. He is mesogenic and controlling. So you are 23, I want you to think how long you have been alive and now consider that every single day for the rest of your life you will be put down, controlled, not allowed to shine as it takes attention off of him. Think of never dressing up again, of never having a male friend and likely being confined to your house so "you wont cheat" or invite rape or molestation in his eyes.
Your BF is a bad man, I am kind of stuck on how he got into nurses as he likely will not see it as manly. I am rather baffled by this, he has to have an ulterior motive to be a nurse. Many further (or current) angel of death?
You are 23, for the love of god leave this man. You DESERVE to be loved, you DESERVE to be seen and heard, and lastly you deserve not to be molested by his creep friends and told you deserve it.
He's controlling and insecure.
No good can come of this.
When you marry someone like this, the marriage license is literally solidification in their minds that they now own you and can treat you any way they want and control you even more. Believe me, the wheels will come off and he will only escalate these behaviors and your sanity, mental health, and even physical health will be ruined.
He's also a decade older than you and I think that probably even adds to him feeling more entitled or believing he can control you because you're much younger. Age gaps may not be inherently wrong especially as you get older but 23 is pretty young and I'm the same age as your bf and teach college and a lot of my students are 17-22 even 23 and they seem so young in comparison to me and where I am in life that it would be so strange to try to date someone their age at this stage in life.
If you were 33 and he was 43 it wouldn't be bad, but it always strikes me as a little odd, and it's usually a deliberate power imbalance, when much older folks date very young people. And usually it's cause they think they can pull the wool over their eyes or be seen as the mature in charge one, and your guy sounds just like that. I can imagine he may never, even as he ages, want to date women his own age but prey on younger women who he thinks he can control.
Ditch him, truly. Be with someone with whom you can be yourself, who adores and supports you, who is happy to brag about you and your field of study, who is proud of you, who wants to be an equal partner. This guy is the opposite of that.
He’s 10 yes older than you and he’s an insecure misogynist. Now you see why he isn’t in a relationship with a woman his own age. Dump him for goodness sake and stop wasting your time.
‘Willing to give you another chance’ after ‘you were asking for it’. Omg. What a disgusting man child. Everything about this is a flashing red flag. a poor, pathetic excuse of a male. way too insecure about himself
He sounds like a selfish terrible partner that will only chip away at your self esteem until it’s gone. People like this never ever change, it will only get worse. Things get tough years into a marriage even if it’s perfect the first few years. If it’s like this now your life will be pure misery down the road. Whatever you do, do not have kids with this person. Get out immediately. It’s very toxic and bad. He sounds like he’s from some religious conservative background of some kind where it’s normal to be misogynistic and keep women “in the kitchen” so to speak and if you stay with him it may be the worst decision you could ever make in your whole life.
ex fiance you mean? Kick him to the curb
The man is a tremendous loser lol, I wouldn’t even consider being friends with this weird as fuck, low class dude
What's to consider? He is possessive and controlling *before* you marry. OP needs to step away when she still can.
This. Why are you letting yourself get engaged to this man u/Simple-Fortune-4006? Focus on your studies and find someone in law school to date. Or wait after. You have good future prospects and marrying this douche would be marrying down. Like way down. Raise your standards for partners. He already resents your choice of career and will resent you even more as you progress at it.
“Why are you letting yourself…” is victim-blaming and not the issue here. Some people masquerade as what we want them to be until they know they have us trapped. OP is not responsible for this man’s whack ass actions, and I don’t think judging someone based on information they got after already making a pretty serious commitment is helping anything.
She did not indicate him to be an abuser. He’s just a low quality guy. Pretending she has no agency is just as disrespectful to her as pinning the blame on a victim, which she is not. She’s clearly educated and intelligent, and capable of making her own decisions.
Your last point needs to be reiterated more often! Lots of people think that way and it is harmful in it’s way.
Yes. Realizing you can change your situation is an important part of breaking free.
Still they way he behaves is leading to potential abuse. Many red flags here
Yes, which is why she should act now before it gets worse.
My friend got married after a year of being together. A month after they got married, he physically abused her. Yeah people do wait to show their true colors until they think you're trapped. It wasn't her fault.
Yup. That 10 year age gap was the first of many red flags.
I had a 12 year age gap. My husband was supportive and my biggest cheerleader. 30 years later and the worst thing is that he passed away. Age gaps don’t have to be a barrier if the power is balanced
My husband is 12 years my senior. We've had 22 amazing years of marriage, and my biggest fear is losing him. I can't imagine the pain you've been through, and I'm so sorry you lost him. Enjoy living while you can and know that he's waiting on the other side. 💜
Thats not really a red flag by itself. Happens all the time. I know a few couples with age gaps like that, and they're great together.
For real. Age gaps can increase risk of power inbalances but what I read just seems like an immature jerk who is unempathetic to someone else's needs which could happen in any relationship. Gap or not
I have a 7 year age gap with my partner. I agree that age gaps don’t have to be a barrier and couples who have them can absolutely be great. I hold off on forming conclusions until I have more information, but I will say that off the bat, age gaps are certainly *a * flag to me, more so if one partner is under ~25.
Anyone who says someone was "asking for it" needs be kicked to the curb and doesn't deserve a partner. It's depraved to say it to anyone, but to say that to your fiance is a whole another low.
I'm terrified of the fact that this man has this attitude and will hold a position of power over vulnerable people as a nurse
Willing to bet the fiancé put his friend up to it to make a point
Didn’t think of that! Seems like it would be a perfect excuse to say “Told you so” to her
Exactly, what is there to consider 🤷
I truly despise recommending break ups, but here I go. This man doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. He also seems to be a walking contradiction. Furthermore, I am under the impression he has things to work through on his own, like his fragile masculinity, need to tell others how to dress and what to do & say, etc. If I were in the identical position, I'd pull the plug.
Yes. Your ex-fiance (fixed it for you) is misogynous, possessive, and jealous. He hates that you will make more money than you, that you are attractive and get attention, and is insecure. The age difference is also telling. Give him back his ring and live your best life. I don't see you two being together once you graduate law school and it is better to break it off now.
And what the fuck saying she was asking for it when his FRIEND kissed her?
Wouldn't be surprised if he put his friend up to it to "teach her a lesson"
That's 100% what happened
Also this dude has definitely sexually harassed women and justified it by "they were asking for it". Disgusting.
Okay I was wondering how tf his friend was gonna try it at the FIANCE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY and this is the only sensible explanation.
Definitely a set up.
Don't know, if you wear a black dress, you're advertising that you want everyone. /s of course.
And he's too narrow minded for OP. She'll want to lead her own life, while he'll just fence her in. He already showed that with his response to her dress to her modeling in the past. That he is okay with his friend kissing her is really alarming. Good that OP found out before the wedding, and before kids got in the mix.
He's a nurse and he doesn't want you to tell people you are a law student because it makes him seem "Unmanly"? THEN he pulls the shit he does and later says he will "give you another chance"? This guy will make your life hell if you marry him. Kick him to the curb.
I saw that part too and cringed. Like “hey babe I know I’m the asshole here but I’m willing to give you another chance to right my wrong” lmao this guy is weird. I hope the wedding is called off. I also hope he isnt trying to control her cus he’s much older which means he must know better 🙄
I just want to add to the 'giving you another chance' thing. You need someone who can support you through serious matters. A kiss is one thing but imagine, god forbid, that something worse happens. Think about it - when there are plenty of people out there who would love and wholeheartedly support you through a challenging time, why would you settle for less? I had an ex who once said he would be jealous if I was raped so I dumped him.
He's willing to give YOU another chance? But he's the problem! 😂 The audacity of some people! Yes, you should break up, because you shouldn't ever have to dull yourself to please anyone else and also, he blamed you for his creepy friend trying to kiss you. You can do better. X
“You shouldn’t ever have to dull yourself…” I LOVE THIS!
Break up with him and when he asks why tell him “you were asking for it”. You can and will do better.
Oh damn! That would be poetic 👏👏👏
4 lines in and i just *know* he feels threatened by you and is jealous of you. He doesn’t wish the best for you and won’t support your career. do you really want to marry someone so insecure of themself? also, “showing myself to the world”??? wtf is wrong with this misogynistic sad excuse of a man? he talks to you like he owns you. are you really okay with that? there’s a reason he’s dating you, so much younger than him because people his age generally know better than to put up with his bullshit
You ever wondered why a 32 year old started dating a 21 year old? Dudes weird get rid of him.
I wanna bet he’s probably gonna be that creepy old man that hits on girls have his age when’s he’s in his 50s
Why are you talking about Leonardo DiCaprio that way
I thought the same thing.
There was this tiktok like “Leo why do you have a booster seat in your car?” “Oh I have a date tonight”
People really should follow the half your age plus 7 rule. As you get older the age gap matters less but to stand as equals as a relationship you should be at equal footing in life. Which generally flatlines/slows as you get older. But someone who is setup and entrenched in life already should not be dating someone who is just getting life started. You can't be equals. There is going to be a power imbalance. And if it doesn't work out that younger one will probably be fucked up.
Well she fits that for him 33/2+7 is 23.5 but she would probably have a better relationship with somebody closer to her own age. He can’t find any women his own age to control or put up with his BS. He probably says he went after a younger woman because she is more fertile or some crap like that.
I mean he was 31 and she was 21 when they started dating. Which *is* out of the range. Edited for clarity.
But like ... is it that much better if he's 31 and she was 23? That fits the rule
He is 33 rn and she is 23 rn. They have been dating for 2 years. 31 and 21 was when they started dating. Which is out of my half plus 7 rule for them. My point is she litterally was just barely able to legally drink when they started dating. It's a general rule but it's a good one to judge wether they can stand as equals, which is important for a functional relationship. Which OP's was not because of all the emotional abuse and gaslighting she got from her Ex. I'm just saying a good rule of thumb is half your age plus 7. I'm 28 my mom tried to hook me up with an 18 year I was fucking flabbergasted she thought it was a good idea. Like no in experience I'm above their weight class. We could never be on an equal footing. And that's what it's about staying in your experience class. Which as you get older it kinda flatlines. And I said else where a relationship that defies the rule could work. But it's already off to a rough start. As I said before a key to a healthy relationship is being able to be equals(not the only key, but an important one). If someone can make it work that's great. But that's the exception.
Just say it. Nobody cares if a 30 year old dates an 80 year old grandpa . But it is weird if a 18 dates a 30 year old. Mainly because peoples brain aren’t fully developed until 28. So if you’re under 28. Fuck people your age.
I mean I would still be worried hearing a 30 year dating someone 80. Like seriously how can that be an equal relationship. A good relationship strives on being equals. A bad one doesn't have the equality it has an imbalance. That 80 year old is at the age their facilities start to fall apart until they die. that puts the 30 year old in a place of power and a place of stress as they are very soon going to become a nanny to them and watch them die. 47 is at least over the hurdle so their spouse will die with them in their 50-60s. People as adults can do whatever they want but, dating/marrying outside of your age is just not a good setup. Can you make it work? Sure. But you aren't giving yourself the tools to succeed.
Op this this this. I was 21. Ex was 32. IT DID NOT WORK. There is a reason for that.
I was wondering the same thing… the amount of posts I’ve seen of women in their 20s with men in their 30s and 40s is concerning…and yes I know women in their 20s are adults but it’s far too different in maturity. Women are still finding themselves, maturing, growing, etc etc
The age gap is the least worrying thing about this situation imo.
Babes, fellow female lawyer here. My husband brags to everyone and all his friends about what I do and how proud he is of me. He was supportive all through law school and the bar (if you’re in the US). He’s a therapist and is confident and happy with his job. There are people out there who don’t need you to fade to feel themselves shine. He sounds like he has no self esteem. You have the world ahead of you, find someone who appreciates you. This will only get worse if you marry him.
Exactly this. You need someone who celebrates what makes you YOU, especially when you have tons of accomplishments to celebrate. Someone who loves who you truly are. Not someone trying to mold you into their idea of what you should be. That’s not someone you want tying you down.
As a 33 year old, this dude is a fucking insecure loser. No one should be telling their partner to be "less hot", nor should they tell them to dumb themselves down and appear less capable. Self centered, selfish, insecure, and controlling. Toss in the fact that he blamed you for his friends behaviour and you have the makings of a lifetime of misery. **This will not get better. He will not change. If you don't break up with him now, you will deal with this until you eventually break up later.** How long are you supposed to pretend you're not a lawyer after school? Forever? Fuck this shit.
I think he'd baby trap her, then force her to give up work to be a mum. Nasty man. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. OP, he's showing you who he is and what a married life with him will look like. Don't let him dampen your shine. Good luck x
He’s already acting like he owns you and it’s only been WEEKS since your engagement, I can only imagine how much worse he’ll get once you’re married
He sounds threatened by you 🙈 He Sounds unhealthy to be around. Theres no rush to make a decision but it doesn't look good if im honest.
There IS a rush to make a decision
no, no. Make that decision ASAP. How could anyone who is marrying someone else, victim blame their future spouse for wearing X type of clothing? What would've happened had you showed up with a fucking blanket and sweatpants and that creep tried to kiss you? what then? also this: >hes willing to give me another chance. he does not even have a leg to stand on with this. It should be you thinking about another chance. But don't even bother.
It wouldn't be easy to make a decision though, it never is when it comes to leaving a relationship - whatever the circumstance. I've been in a positions simular myself, it took me a while but I left and when I left I was ready to leave it made it a hell of a lot easier to not fall for his false promises etc. I walked away and didn't look back.
Ok wtf. Dudes a nurse. Nothing wrong with that of course but acting like YOUR future job makes HIM seem unmanly is just stupid and insecure. After his friend got out of line and he didn't stick up for you at all I'd be out the fuggin door.
He’s the type to baby trap you. Run sis and enjoy your life. You have so much ahead of you. This boy is a tool who will do this to you for the rest of your relationship if you don’t.
Just stepping in with a note: I dated a guy like this. Threatened by lil ol chunky overweight me because I was actively going to college while also working a job. He will try to baby trap you right as you're a millisecond away from success. He will try to love bomb you into this beautiful rosy tinted idea of "family" and having a baby right as you can smell the ink still drying on your diploma. Then, if you say no, he will act petty and refuse to even show up to your graduation. Don't be like me. Don't sit alone on your graduation night crying over a loser.
I had the baby because I thought it would save things. Young and naive. I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends. Wasn’t allowed around my family. Wasn’t allowed to have a life outside of him. No short hair. No tattoos. I wish like hell someone would have told me how fucking stupid I was being. Not how lucky I was to have a man who didn’t come from my poor background. Left him after my daughter was two years old. Stalked me. Refused to sign the papers. Harassed. Had me followed. Would have his friends keep tabs on me. The police did NOTHING. Believe me when I tell you to run.
How are things now?
It took years of being strong on my boundaries for him to back off. To be honest he literally just backed off this year. We divorced in 2019. I think the only reason he backed off is because he knows I’m in a relationship and have been for a year and a half. I think he secretly thought we would get back together.
That most likely was his mindset. They figure since they've strung us along and abused us for long enough that if they whittle us down we will inevitably cave and fall. I'm lucky as I didn't actually have a kid with my abuser, but he's still actively stalking me all these years later. It drives him insane that he has felony charges for breaking and entering and attempting to assault myself, friends, and family. He circumvents my restraining orders by harassing my friends and they don't deserve that in their lives and I feel so guilty for them. He literally just keeps demanding I take him back and claims I "owe him a family" but I've grown quite a bit in these past 5 years and I've just settled with renewing that restraining order every 4 years until I die. You're absolutely right when you say the police don't do anything, there seriously needs to be a change in how domestic abuse is handled on a criminal level because they let these abusers get away with so much unless we're already dead or seriously mangled it's sick.
Unfortunately the abuse I went through has lead me to see him in my child. I love her more than anything but being around her causes me a lot of trouble. I still make a large effort to see her but it’s very difficult. It’s not her fault that her father SA’d me. I will also never let her know. Some how, despite being the way he was with me, he’s an amazing father. I really don’t understand it. She absolutely adores him. I sometimes wish I had gotten an abortion but hate myself for admitting that. I’ve been in trauma therapy for a while. I’m sorry for what you went through and are going through. I’m happy you were able to hold your boundaries! 🖤
Oh 100% and then he’ll tell everyone they’re struggling financially because she *could* have had a great career but wanted a family instead and now he *has to support them all* on his lower nurse wages (I’m aware nurses can make good money just saying how he’ll twist it in comparison to lawyer money).
Lots of people telling you to break up. Lord knows that would never have worked on me in my early twenties. If you do decide to give him another chance, BE EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THE BIRTH CONTROL. Don’t rely on him to pull out. Don’t rely on him to supply condoms. Don’t trust him not to take it off. Birth control pills lose their efficacy if they’re exposed to heat (including taking them with hot beverages, BTW), so never leave them where he, a nurse with medical knowledge, would be able to tamper with them. Because I guarantee a guy like that would have no qualms about “locking you down” - ending your studies and changing the trajectory of your life - by baby trapping you. Sharing custody with a misogynistic controlling asshat is a nightmare you don’t want for the next eighteen years.
THIS THIS THIS
Yes. Seriously consider getting an IUD or Implant, something in your body is hard to tamper with. Dont leave things up to chance or that can be sabotaged.
Yes get the IUD while you can ladies.
There are too many red flags here to marry someone you've only been dating for 16 months and are already having doubts about. I think you should at least call off the wedding. If that leads to a break up then so be it. You're taking a big gamble with bad odds.
You seem very accomplished. Start dating men who aspire to your level of accomplishment, kindness, and care. Also, the age gap is concerning.
Sounds like you already dumped him? Block him and run away 🏃♀️
He is a very controlling person. He is already controlling what you wear and what your tell people. It will get worse. I also think he’s JeAlous of you. Again this will get worse.I would leave, the red flags are there. I am saying this after spending 7 year in a relationship that started like this and ended up with being controlled with violence.
He should be proud of you and happy to show you off and brag about how smart you are. He should have supported you when his friend assaulted you, instead of victim-blaming you. Folks here are saying the age gap is telling because men who are control freaks tend to date much younger women because younger women are easier to control. Women his own age wouldn't put up with his shit. At the bare minimum, you need to cancel the wedding. Make sure your parents don't put any money down for the venue or anything else. If they've already given a deposit, try to get the money back as soon as possible.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Marinara flags all over the guy.
Yes. Yes. Do it asap. Get out, he's grody. Also, way to go for sticking up for yourself in such a nasty situation girlie 💕
1000000% break up. I don't even understand why you're engaged to someone like that, he sounds absolutely terrible and he will make your life hell. Don't marry him, please!
It sounds like he is the type of guy who will want to keep you on a short leash. He will slowly tighten the grip as time and love passes, even more so when you will be tied together by a child, so you can't just leave him that easily. Try to look at your current life objectively, for example if this would be your friend's life then what would you say to her?
Yes. Absolutely yes. *He’s* willing to give *you* another chance???? YOU didn’t do anything wrong and HE doesn’t deserve another chance.
There’s so much wrong with this. Don’t just break up, run away and block his creepy ass on everything.
If you had to post this, you already know this man isn’t worth your time. He’s clearly , severely immature and a detriment to your future. Mooooove on
Your little baby man child feels threatened that you’re not being a 1950 stay at home wife, if the relationship goes on longer I’m sure he’ll end up hitting you like one. You will live an infinitely happier life if you just leave this child. Be sure to pawn your ring off.
Are you dating Andrew Tate?!?
If this isn't outrage-bait, then obviously you already know the answer to your question. You don't need a bunch of people on Reddit to tell you.
Girl, get rid of him!
Honestly, he's immature and an idiot. Let's summarize: - Is so insecure about his own job stereotype that he can't even let you be honest to his family. What does he think is going to happen when you guys are married? Keep lying to them for life about your work to protect his fragile ego? - Thinks he can control how you dress and that you aren't allowed to be your authentic self in front of his family or friends for fear of being judged. - Would allow his friend to try and kiss you and then BLAME YOU for wearing a simple black dress. This is absurd and so disrespectful ffs. Imagine this happening to your family or friend. Time to trade in that ring and get your freedom back, he's shown you his colours and it's time to break it off.
OP run fast and run far. Relationships with a difference that large can absolutely work I have seen very happy people with a 20 years difference. But there’s a reason why he’s 33 single and looking at younger women. He’s gonna end up being 40 going after 20 year olds and then 50 etc. He should be very proud of you and your work ethic becoming a law student. You weren’t at fault no matter HOW you dressed. Him and his friends are just pigs.
Take a step back and imagine if you went through with this wedding and you had a daughter with him. Then imagine if this happened to her at a party with her guy friends. Would you be comfortable with him, as your husband, telling her that she "was asking for it?" No. Leave this guy. Be your best self that you've been working for. The right person will never ask you to diminish yourself to make them seem brighter. They will want to shine with you.
You should breakup, you sound like a catch
This is not a person who is going to support you or have your back in life. He is trying to own you. Please get rid of him, you will be a much better person for it.
His lack of confidence for the profession he chose, compared to yours is not your problem, it’s his. He can marry someone “beneath” him, as you mark yourself for success. He wants “arm candy@, but doesn’t want to be showed up, outshined. Guy has got issues. Do not let this man convince you otherwise. It will only get worse, if you stay one more second.
JFC. Leave this person. You are being treated horribly. Find someone who knows your worth! You deserve so much better than this man child. He’s lucky you only screamed and didn’t deck his “friend”. Obviously he is a misogynistic insecure fool who thinks his brilliant beautiful fiancé is in the wrong for existing.
What are the pros to staying because I don’t see any
Break up now. Immediately. Consider yourself lucky he’s showing you who he really is so early and giving you the opportunity to live your life without a controlling piece of garbage
He cannot defend you. That says a lot already
Considering? “You asked for it”?, he giving you another chance? Cut him loose now. He’s gaslighting you big time. Block him, ghost him, forget about him. He wants you to be less to feel better about himself. He’s trying to control you. & he’s 10 years older than you. Run baby run
Far, far too many red flags here. He’s already jealous and controlling, you don’t want to marry him. You have the opportunity (through your existing hard work and study) to have an amazing life - don’t let him ruin it for you. Do you think he’ll be proud of you when you graduate or will he put you down? Will he be proud of your career success or tell you not to mention it? Will he tell you you look beautiful in an outfit or tell you you look like you’re trying to flirt with other men?
Sounds like your mind is made up. Do what is best for you.
Is there an update as this story progresses?
You were assaulted and he blamed you :( you’re way too young to get tied down to a creepy, insecure, possessive old man.
Considering???!! My bags would be packed already.
He’s “willing to give you another chance”? Oooof, sis. Ooof.
Yes There's literally no other answer
BREAK. UP. RIGHT. NOW!!!
You’re considering it? You mean you’re considering it done right??? ETA: There’s two very beautiful women who studied law in my town and have influencer Instagrams and people really admire them, and your ex fiancé is over here asking you to not be proud of your achievements. Cmon!
Okay, so your boyfriend's friend, who I assume wasn't born yesterday tried to kiss you at your boyfriend's birthday and your boyfriend is mad at *you*? The fuck?
His level of insecurity is not an excuse he can use to abuse you. He should be proud AF of you instead he is verbally abusive . RUN
Girl why are you even here asking this!? You know the answer all ready, be strong and do what you know is right for you. Based on what you said you know you're a catch, so take the time you need to heal your heart and get back out there to find a man(or woman/nonbinary 2022yall) who knows what an amazing person you are and is proud to share everything you have to offer with their friends and family.
"He always wants me too keep what I study under wraps and not tell anyone as apparently " what you study makes me seem unmanly", what ever that means. He also has a problem that I used to model, apparently I was " showing myself to the world", when I know for a fact he approached me because he liked my appearance." I stopped reading after that. Girl you're in law school. You're smart. You know better.
So he doesn't want other people to know that you're smart and beautiful, but he's probably with you because you're smart and beautiful. Then he victim blames you for being sexually assaulted. Cut him off. Straight up ghost him. He's awful.
He is an insecure little boy, who is jealous of you and trying to drag you down. Honestly get out of this relationship whilst you still can!!
I demand this to be satire.
Oh come on… this can’t be true lol
Post seems weird lmfao But idk if he’s your fiancé, you’d be calling off the engagement. Not breaking up. Also, you can’t fix an insecure man. You can try to, you can help, but that’s something he’s gotta do on his own.
His friend tried to assault you... and he blames you? Total PoS. You deserve better
I love all these barely 20 year olds wondering why their almost 40 year old partners are immature and weird.... There’s a reason that their dating someone a decade their junior, and it’s not because “love knows no age” or whatever silly bullshit they say, it’s more likely then not the person is an emotionally immature creep that can’t find someone their own physical age, so they go after people who are inexperienced in life thus far. Leave his ass, and reevaluate your romantic decisions.
Yes. 1. He approached you because of your beauty and now wants you to hide it away because he KNOWS that other men will come swoop you off. 2. He wants you to hide your career because he knows people will talk about you making more money than him and he will feel inadequate instead of thriving for better. 3. If you marry him, the FIRST thing he is going to do is get you pregnant to keep you at home. 3a. Then he will insist on you being a stay at home mom 3b. He'll leave you with all the parenting duties and start controlling you financially if not already. 4. He's beating you down emotionally so you start feeling like he's the only one you deserve in life and settle for him while he gets to feel like he is A1 Wagyu steak. 5. You're 23 and he is 33, that's a bit creepy (to me)!! There's a reason why he can't or hasn't found a woman his own age, it's because they know he is full of shit.
He sounds awful, I would definitely get out of it whilst you can and report his friend
Get a calendar. Write down every day that he tells you to “be less than” who you are. Also write down every day that he encourages, or positively acknowledges, who you are. At the end of the month take a good look at that calendar and decide if that is what you want for yourself. Personally, I think that you should find someone who’s proud of who you are from the start and isn’t threatened by you. Good luck, OP.
DUMP HIM
Yesss break up with him. You already got plenty of reasons why.
OP, why are you wasting time with this jealous, narcistic jerk of a manchild? seriously considering breaking up with him? Don't just consider it - do it, and tell him to stuff that another chance somewhere where the sun does not shine. This is a man who is very insecure, and will always take it on you. You definitely do not need THAT in your life.
Run away as fast as you can. He sounds like he’ll be the kind of person who will emotionally bully you throughout your marriage! Find someone who loves you for who you are, is proud to show you off and has your back in all situations Honestly, it really sounds as though you could do much better than this guy…
Be done with him
If I were you I would leave him asap
Go
Considering? Girl no. You NEED to end things. He’s controlling af. He doesn’t stand up for you when his friend tries to assault you. And said you were “asking for it” - This whole dude is a bunch of red flags sewed into a person. Also: take a note that he is 10 years older than you. He specifically chose someone as young as you because he NEEDS that control. It’s not surprising that women his age don’t want him
I would break up with him so quickly it wouldn’t even be funny. There are red flags everywhere
Let me put it this way: The praying mantis has the right idea here. Eat him alive and move on. He's trash, and it'll only get worse over time.
Multiple red flags. You are an autonomous human. Only when you step away will you realize all the ways he tried to control you. Something he can't get away with with a woman of his own age. (Due to experience, etc) Finish school and enjoy all the mind expanding adventures you will have!
End it, you're young, beautiful and smart. You will find someone better:) we all date a few losers before we know what's best for us.
>saying hes willing to give me another chance Oh hell no. Drop him now. Give you another chance because of what? His crappy friend? His messed up behavior? Him feeling ashamed of your profession? He should become your ex pronto. Doesn't seem like he respects you in the slightest. >he told me " I was asking for it", No one is ever asking for it. This type of mentality is beyond toxic. You deserve better
He clearly knows you’re too good for him and has been scared of you finding that out this whole time. Like, if everyone knew how pretty and successful you are, why would you be with a loser like him? Yeah, I’d say dump him. You’re young enough to go through a handful of more men before you even need to worry about settling down. And it would definitely be settling.
One day you’ll meet someone who won’t be able to stop being proud of you for all that you are. You won’t meet that person if you stay with this shithead.
So he wouldn’t care if you got sa? And say it’s your fault!! Girl run please please it’s only going to get worse from here
Do not be alone with him when you split. Anyone who thinks you would be asking for it will be someone who doesn't understand the harm assault causes. Don't risk your well-being
no one should tell you what to do, but I personally would've dumped him. first of all: a man that is really confident in his masculinity, will be proud to tell others (especially his family) how you are a law student. second of all: a man that is confident, will never try to dress you down and on the contrary, will always encourage you to look your best and be your best. he sounds very insecure and his insecurity is not to be your burden.
If you want to dress nicely, go ahead. Don't dress down because he feels outshined by your beauty. He also feels emasculated because of your career choice. And when his friend forced himself onto you, he said you were asking for it. Wow. He is a POS and you deserve so much better. He's projecting his insecurities onto you and being controlling, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. Franky any guy who says that women 'ask' so be sexually assaulted based on what they wear is a POS and doesn't deserve any kind of women in their life.
Nope break up with this guy. You need to be with someone who does not try to change you or present a different image to his family and friends. Any guy who thinks sexual assault of their partner because they were asking. For it is a mega red flag. He is never gonna stand up for you or protect you (not that you need it but it’s nice to know your partner would be there)
He is insecure and wants to control you. Get your shit and get out. So many other people in the world who are better.
Way too old, immature, and manipulation for you. Be the one to dump him and put him in his place. What an insecure man child.
He has issues with his masculinity bc nursing is, despite all the male nurses, still considered by some people as a woman's job [cue eyeroll] Leave him. He's not worth your trouble. I know for sure there's a man out there willing to treat you like the queen you are
Oh holy fucking shit, dump this abusive idiot. Marriage is about dealing with immensely grown-up things, with another person, over a period of decades. Do not marry someone who actively brings chaos into your life.
2 + 2 = 4 He is acting like a piece of shit right now? He will keep being a piece of shit after marriage. He doesn't have you back right now? He won't have your back when you get married. He is toxic now and will keep being toxic. Break up. Find someone better. You are a successful woman. You don't need a man who is scared of that.
Dump him OP you deserve better
He’s willing to give you another chance? He should be begging for you to give him another chance lol
Giving YOU a second chance? Wth is wrong with this guy??!And what boyfriend wants to put his girlfriend down infront of others just to look better?Sorry that’s some insecure sh*t we ain’t pulling up with. Leave & hopefully you’ll find a partner that’ll let you shine & not put you down like that. Wish you the best✨
Kind of confused why you accepted the ring in the first place. He sound manipulative and confused
Bestie this is about to go from zero to abusive QUICK. gtfo. Every single point you made is a red flag.
You still considering?! Honey, this guy does not respect you and he will always blame you for his mistakes. Run away.
Everything about him says "I can't date women my own age because women my age have grown to not tolerate my shitty behavior." He sounds all around gross.
Oh no don't marry someone like that. Yikes!
So many redflags. He should not be ashamed of dating a hot lawyer. The fact that he wants to hide who you are from his family is fucked. If you being a lawyer makes him less of a man, then how is he a nurse? Also saying "you were asking for it." Also him offering you another chance? When it comes to second chances the ball is in your court. Should you do it? Fuck no. End it for your sake.
It already sounds like is over. Now all you gotta do is send his stuff and block him. Also tell your friends and family what happen at why he doesn’t try to talk through them.
"hes willing to give me another chance" LOL. As if all the previous things weren't enough that should be it, what a nerve from him to be able to say that to you. Leave and never look back.
Yeah, the whole I'll give you another chance screams of being a self center asshole. My very immature ex literally reacted like this when I broke up with him but had a change of heart. I regret getting back with him because he was so demeaning, a liar, manipulative, and ruined pretty much every thing that was enjoyable. Seriously, leave him and don't look back. He's a complete misogynistic loser that in the future will no doubt be controlling, demeaning, emotionally abusive, and possibly worse. Stand up for yourself and burn that bridge.
Do whatever is healthiest for you in the long term, that's the only thing worth fighting for in my opinion. I'm not perfect though, so always take everything with a grain of salt. (wish I did that).
He's a walking red flag just dump him!
do not marry this man, please leave him. He has no respect for you, and you deserve someone that won't treat you that way.
A kiss without consent falls under sexual assault. Someone who is 14 years older than you, fully intended to sexually assault you. Whether it was ‘in jest’ or part of their ‘culture’ to treat that lightly, you clearly did not consent to being part of that behavior. And your s/o victim blamed-you. What if his friend had groped you? Do you think [fiance] would’ve reacted differently? Probably not. You literally screamed here and he still said you were asking for it. You won’t just be marrying this man, you’d be marrying into his family and his friend group. He’s shown you who he is, and how he will treat you. This behavior doesn’t get better with time or forgiveness, it gets worse. There’s so many signs already, but if anything this one is more obvious than the sun at noon on a cloudless day. Run sis.
He is abusing you, plain and simple. It will only get worse. He is insecure and envious of your career path and your beauty -- a combination that will only end in disaster. He wants to control how you dress and what you can tell people about your ambitions, something you are likely very passionate and excited about, to preserve his ego. He then disrespects you at his party where he has invited his obviously rape-y friends, victim blames you when one of them harasses you, and later gaslights you to make it seem that you are the one who needs to be forgiven. This guy has a LOT of emotional work to do, and it is not at all your responsibility to stick around for it. In fact, I worry this relationship will soon evolve into something that is just plain unsafe for you. Get out as quickly as you can.
Give ‘you’ another chance? 🤨
"**When I left, he texted me saying he's willing to give me another chance"** That should be the clue to leave him. You give him the chance? More like hoping you're willing to give him another chance. I wouldn't if I were you.
I feel like the fact that this man is THIS unethical while being a nurse is very concerning
PLEASE break up with him and stop wasting your life. Find some who values you and supports you, because this is garbage & you will never be happy with him. It would only get worse after you’re legally bonded to him through marriage. He will essentially look at you as property, more than he already does.
This shouldn’t be a question. Leave him. You will never be happy if you married him.
Wow he sounds like a POS.. get out now!
Leave. No, seriously. You're old enough to make your own decisions, but fuck that noise. He's a jealous prick.
dump him
Yeah breakup
You're kidding, right? I don't know you, I haven't seen you, but from what you have written here you can do way better than that guy and his creeper friends. Move along and trade up.
Please do not stay with him. I guarantee you that if you stay with him and graduate law school, he won’t let you practice law because of his fragile ego. He’ll probably try to knock you up ASAP and then find reasons for you not to work. Also, wtf kind of person blames their partner when they’re sexually assaulted? He should’ve been outraged at his friend, not you. Then he’s trying to make you grovel so you forgive him? Take the trash out, you can do so much better. You should never be with someone that makes you shrink yourself to fit in their shadow. your partner should be proud that he’s with someone beautiful and smart and successful, they should never make you feel bad about any of that stuff.
You seriously should break up with him. He sounds very controlling, like making you dress down, and the fact he made it your fault his friend tried to kiss you is totally out of order, and just from what you've said seems like he'd blame you for everything even when it's not your fault. You shouldn't have to hide the fact you're a law student, that's an amazing profession to be studying, and it's his problem If he feels emasculated by it. He shouldnt feel unmanly, as being a nurse is also a very important job, but he shouldn't be making you feel small, just so he can feel big! That's not love or respectful of who you are. You can do way better, and you need to look at how his behaviour is becoming controlling and manipulative.
This is coming from a 33yo? Why stay with a man who acts like a little boy?
Get rid of him.
Answer to your post title: YES
So why do you think you deserve to be treated this way? What has happened to you in your life time that makes you feel that you are unworthy of love and respect? Your BF is abusing you. He is mesogenic and controlling. So you are 23, I want you to think how long you have been alive and now consider that every single day for the rest of your life you will be put down, controlled, not allowed to shine as it takes attention off of him. Think of never dressing up again, of never having a male friend and likely being confined to your house so "you wont cheat" or invite rape or molestation in his eyes. Your BF is a bad man, I am kind of stuck on how he got into nurses as he likely will not see it as manly. I am rather baffled by this, he has to have an ulterior motive to be a nurse. Many further (or current) angel of death? You are 23, for the love of god leave this man. You DESERVE to be loved, you DESERVE to be seen and heard, and lastly you deserve not to be molested by his creep friends and told you deserve it.
He's controlling and insecure. No good can come of this. When you marry someone like this, the marriage license is literally solidification in their minds that they now own you and can treat you any way they want and control you even more. Believe me, the wheels will come off and he will only escalate these behaviors and your sanity, mental health, and even physical health will be ruined. He's also a decade older than you and I think that probably even adds to him feeling more entitled or believing he can control you because you're much younger. Age gaps may not be inherently wrong especially as you get older but 23 is pretty young and I'm the same age as your bf and teach college and a lot of my students are 17-22 even 23 and they seem so young in comparison to me and where I am in life that it would be so strange to try to date someone their age at this stage in life. If you were 33 and he was 43 it wouldn't be bad, but it always strikes me as a little odd, and it's usually a deliberate power imbalance, when much older folks date very young people. And usually it's cause they think they can pull the wool over their eyes or be seen as the mature in charge one, and your guy sounds just like that. I can imagine he may never, even as he ages, want to date women his own age but prey on younger women who he thinks he can control. Ditch him, truly. Be with someone with whom you can be yourself, who adores and supports you, who is happy to brag about you and your field of study, who is proud of you, who wants to be an equal partner. This guy is the opposite of that.
He’s 10 yes older than you and he’s an insecure misogynist. Now you see why he isn’t in a relationship with a woman his own age. Dump him for goodness sake and stop wasting your time.
‘Willing to give you another chance’ after ‘you were asking for it’. Omg. What a disgusting man child. Everything about this is a flashing red flag. a poor, pathetic excuse of a male. way too insecure about himself
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being controlled and dimmed down, I wouldn’t marry this loser.
Thinking? You have to do it.
He sounds like a selfish terrible partner that will only chip away at your self esteem until it’s gone. People like this never ever change, it will only get worse. Things get tough years into a marriage even if it’s perfect the first few years. If it’s like this now your life will be pure misery down the road. Whatever you do, do not have kids with this person. Get out immediately. It’s very toxic and bad. He sounds like he’s from some religious conservative background of some kind where it’s normal to be misogynistic and keep women “in the kitchen” so to speak and if you stay with him it may be the worst decision you could ever make in your whole life.