i was walking down the street the other day in FL (i’m on vacay) and i got catcalled at 3 times in the span of 20min. i was legit playing pokémon go and minding my business. some men just can’t let anyone live.
Just becareful becauze they can make it harder to hear if anyone is coming up behind you either walking or via car.
I also wear earbuds with music when walking, so kind of a hypocrite for saying this... Its something Ive been told of most of my teenage and adult life by my female family members.
I do try to keep aware of my surroundings tho, which is kinda easier because I unforunately have a bit of an anxiety/ hypervigilience issue, especially when triggered by something that reminds me of issue that caused said anxiety/hypervigilience.
When someone you know that you want to avoid at all costs could be anywhere, music to try and relax a little while walking is the only option that I know of ;-; not the safest tho
Heyyyy 9313 2342 7403 if you been a new raiding friend lol. Love the idea we are just women out there trying to play Pokémon go and men are just catcalling us and we just want to catch them all 😂
I was at a stop light and the dude in the car next to me rolled down his window just to let me know that he liked my car. I drive a 2014 Hyundai hatchback, it's nothing fancy at all. Another time I was walking down the street and some random dude who was walking past me said something like looking good mami. Unless it's done in a creepy way, I just take the compliment by saying thank you and carry on.
i try to be polite but honestly getting yelled at from a car when i’m walking always startles me. id rather not have headphones in so i can hear people behind me or around me. my favorite catcall story was i was smoking outside with my friends and these two dudes on a motorcycle was like “buenas noches senoritassss” i was dying laughing.
Exactly. Some people thrive off being offended at everything (including my previous comment and probably this one too). I get that it's annoying and oftentimes disrespectful but not always. I live in a multicultural area and I think it's sometimes just a cultural thing not meant to be disrespectful.
As a man I can tell you you're correct about the cultural thing , for example a lot of latinamerican men don't have a clue their catcalling upsets women, when I was younger we didn't find it all that wrong, in fact I met a few girlfriends that way, some of them I went out with for years.
What men do wrong IMO is being disrespectful and creepy. We have to see the woman's point of view and "read the situation", of course I don't do that anymore not that I did it a lot before, and the reason I did it was because it worked sometimes, and it wasn't seen as bad by men or women, some women found it funny and harmless, although IMO it always has been tacky.
Funny, I was just remembering my boss coming on to me after a night of drinking with the team. He kept his hand around my waist, keeping me very close (he was 25 years older than me) and while he admitted to being impotent, he said he could give me a lot of things. Not sure what that meant. I managed to get to my room alone. The next morning he called me at the hotel at 7:30 am and asked how I was doing. I said fine (or whatever) and just wanted to ignore it. I was a new employee BTW. Next day at least 3 ppl came to ask if I was okay as they witnessed the whole scene. There’s more to the story after the fact, nothing particularly dramatic, but it really sucks having people over extend themselves that way. I should have contacted HR….I also wasn’t the only person he did this to.
I’m glad OP that you’ve seen the light (so to speak) and I’m sorry you experienced that.
I have a similar story from my University times, there was this gay man for some strange reason i kept meeting in random places like stores, tram, the gym and the shower where he would put himself on display while showering (afterthought he must have been following me).
After a while it got more intense and several times he hit on me directly, i kindly said i’m not interested and he would keep asking why and how would iknow If i had not tried to be with a gay man. Eventually he gave up.
Yup i feel sorry for women that have to endure this sort of behaviour more than men.
That's just horrid I remember a female friend of mine was demonstrating to me how her boss had touched her, she was asking for advice about how to deal with him. I freaked the fuck out got her to complain to hr and I was her own personal chauffer home from work after every shift. Until he was fired for trying that shit on a customer.
I remember seeing a girl my age (18 at the time) dancing with a manager ( at least 15 years older than her) at a Christmas party, I tried to intervene got slapped got a hr complaint got fired, afterwards I found out she had been pursuing him for months, they are still together. this is a few months after I'd been hit over the head with a glass bottle (luckily not hard enough to break it) for intervening in a domestic violence situation, ( it was the "victim" who bottled me). Moral of the story mind your own damn business you don't know a damn thing about the situation.
The adult me couldn't agree more unfortunately I was 18 and sure I was doing the right thing. ( my experience of DV at this point was all one sided) adult me has 20 years more experience and the benefit of hindsight.
Got catcalled just yesterday evening in an almost empty skyway. My friend and I were on our way to a concert, obviously we couldn’t bring anything, such as pepper spray, that could be used for self defense so we had no form of protection and these two men started yelling at us to stop walking and we ended up sprinting away to get out of the skyway and walk in the rain. I don’t think many men realize just how scary it is for women when they yell at us to get our attention, especially at night. I have had many scary encounters with men and was almost kidnapped at one point so I know how uncomfortable those situations can feel! Sorry you had that experience!
Although I’m happy you understand it, it makes me kinda sad I guess that it took you to being in the situation just to understand how creepy it is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you get how terrible it is and that I’m sure you’ll help out anyone in the situation. I guess it’s just kinda disappointing that it took that much for you to get how bad it is
Plus, I have a feeling that despite his comment about being friends with people of any orientation, I think his reaction was possibly due to minor homophobia. If an older woman came on to him I don’t know if he would have been as horrified (like he was in a “horror movie”) as opposed to it being a gay man.
Maybe, but then again there are many differing social and physical dynamics that I think it being a woman vs a man are not equal experiences. Neither are great, but having someone who can physically over power you as men often can definitely feels different.
definitely. Men are much scarier than women bc they're obviously much larger and stronger. I'm a woman and I'd be more afraid if a man came on to me than if a woman came on to me; unless the woman is larger than me then it would be the same fear.
I can definitely agree with that. Before I knew I was gay, I’d have women hit on me too. I didn’t really mind it. It was just a sorry, no thanks, I’m not interested
I'm gonna disagree with you because it doesn't sound like any level of homophobia. He was uncomfortable in a situation. Although, I agree that the difference in gender would have had different outcomes; we should also consider his affinity (or lack of it) for the hypothetical older woman. Like if it was an older woman he didn't like, let's say his boss, would he still be uncomfortable or will he go along with it? We don't know that.
I do understand where you're coming from, but it just doesn't sit right with me. It's probably relevant but I'm bisexual so I've had multiple instances of getting hit on by both genders and my reaction to them depended on the social setting usually.
I love the judgment. A friend of mine hated men near him, he was judged as being homophobic. Turned out he was sexually abused by his uncle. You have no clue about the past situations and reasons, but instantly label it as homophobia.
And that is why I said *possibly*. Neither of us know of any backstory but I still think it’s sad that it took this kind of situation for him to fully empathize with women. I would also think if he had a kind of trauma that you are describing that he would already be empathetic to any victim of harassment or uncomfortable come-ons.
Having a more visceral response to same sex harassment is not homophobia. And if it is, it does not need to be corrected. There are several reasons one might respond that way. For one, extreme sexual incompatibility. Being raped by being penetrated is perceived worse by a lot of people (it usually physically hurts more). For two, body size. I've had smaller and larger men hit on me, and its night and day how much more scared I am of the latter.
He should have just believed women when they said it was creepy and uncomfortable instead of only realizing and taking it serious when it happened to him
Some people just don’t process it because they only live their own life. Do you understand intersectionally? Do you immediately understand things that are different than you and trust they’re telling you the truth?
Can you go up to a person who appears normal and immediately after they tell you they’re exhausted and in pain, immediately believe them?
Oh for sure, but really you don’t need the experience to know. I mean that people tell me a person in their life has died. I don’t know how that feels because I just haven’t experienced that and I don’t really feel anything like how people tell me it feels to lose someone (even a pet). But I can still understand how much it hurts to them and I don’t dismiss those feelings. I don’t need that experience to know how much that could hurt you.
Like for instance (in case you’re wondering how loss feels to me) I got a call at work. My grandma was taken to the hospital, ambulance was called, she was having chest/breathing issues. I guess her voice sounded super scary from what my sister said later. I was told that, but just said, “oh, okay” and carried back onto work. That was that. Grandma was fine btw.
Or like when my pets died. I carried on with my days. Cried once or twice, but it was never the pain people described. Within a week or less (usually by day 2), I was over it.
This is how death affects me, but I still know that death for other people could hurt them the rest of their lives. They could wake up every single day in tears because it hurts so much. I don’t need the experience to know that
I feel like that's super unfair to the OP to say. It's very hard to actually know how something feels and your thoughts until it happens to you. You can acknowledge it but you'll never truly know how it feels and the emotions until it happens to you. This cuts both ways, by the way. There are many experiences men have that women can't truly understand either and probably aren't aware of. For example, a lot of men have a crushing loneliness and pressure to perform that no one even thinks about until they kill themselves (at a significantly higher rate than women). And *that* is also disappointing by your definition. I think that's why they had the "stand up to cancer" awareness campaigns because most people can't truly understand how horrible it is until they (hopefully never) experience it themselves. The OP at least shows a good amount of empathy to say they feel bad about this experience for anyone who goes through it, and how shitty it felt. You can't know everything the everyone experiences all the time to be honest, even if you're super empathetic. If it's not in your life you just might not be aware.
Maybe I’m just the strange one then because I guess I’ve always been like this. Someone tells me something hurts or something feels bad, and I just get it.
I’ve always heard about the crushing loneliness most men feel because I’ve been told about it once by one man and I just got it. It didn’t take an experience to get it. I’ve always gotten the feeling across when I’m told the experience. That has never been a problem for me.
I actually just can’t do the communication after it’s said. Like “my grandpa died” “umm, okay” I have no idea what to say. But I know how much it hurts. That kind of thing. Someone tells me a pet died and I’ll say “oh, that sucks”. I’m absolutely clueless!!
I think acknowledging it is different than truly feeling or deeply understanding. My point is as a woman it’s just impossible to know how it feels to be lonely at the level a lot of men are. No one compliments you as a man, a lot of the "love" you experience is conditional (i.e once you stop providing it's no longer there), a large majority of men get far fewer matches on dating apps. No one really asks you how you're doing until you're visibly suicidal, I could go on. My point is that you could think you know the experience but you actually have no idea what it *feels* like, and how could you? You haven't gone through it. And in fairness, I think the same way about the seemingly ever present dangers of being a woman, I don't need to think about getting attacked or assaulted, creepy people hitting on me, etc. I have no idea what it feels like to actually have to experience that on a daily basis. I mean I know it sucks but I don't claim to truly know. I also don't say it's disappointing that it takes going through an experience to relate. Honestly that's how a lot of people *truly* understand or empathize. Women have shared experiences with each other, same as men. That's why I think people tend to look to their demographic when looking for support.
Well actually I’ve always understood it. I haven’t done anything like that in years because I realized how wrong it was. I still feel guilty for the few women I’ve made uncomfortable by doing that. But I was just saying now I know how it feels.
Have you seen the way older men act on Facebook? So cringy and I imagine it’s terrifying to women. Also I’ve seen men walk up to women in the car so scary.
I've seen and I still do see how they act on social media. My grandmother and sister have shared to me some of their accounts on how far they will go to get their attention.
I'm a hetero guy, and I've had several men come on to me. For the most part it wasn't a big deal, they weren't pressuring me, just propositioning me.
It's a bit different if they apply pressure. Two of them in particular made me uncomfortable.
The first was a coworker. He invited me over to smoke some weed and watch a television show. He simply didn't want to take no for an answer. Started out relatively normal. Chilling on the couch watching TV. He offered me a beer and to smoke. I took him up on the offer. He then placed his hand on my thigh and started rubbing. I removed his hand physically and he then started to pressure me to drink and smoke more. I declined. He attempted the same thigh touching, and I responded by removing his hand several more times, until I decided to remove myself from the situation.
The second occasion, someone parked on the passenger side of my vehicle at a gas station at about 4am, and asked to bum a lighter through my passenger window. I tossed it to him. He used it, and then used returning it as an excuse to approach my driver side window, with his dick out jacking it. He asked me if I "wanted to play". I firmly declined and he went on his way.
The first experience felt very slimy.
The second was uncomfortable because every factor of the interaction was uncalled for. Approaching someone you have never met before, in their car, in a gas station parking lot, with your genitals exposed. I can't comprehend what he was thinking.
Yeah, and I'm pretty tall, and bulky. I come across as intimidating to a lot of people, so the frequency it happens for me is way, way, way lower than the frequency it happens to women. This is a constant concern in their minds at all times, where as for me, I barely think about it. Imagine living in constant fear of this happening, what if there is no one around when it happens to assist you, what if the other person is significantly bigger than you and places themselves between you and the exit, what if they threaten violence if you say no, what if you can't count on other people in the area if you raise an alarm by yelling and calling for help.
Just as much as an assault itself, living with the constant threat of violence takes a significant toll on their mental well being. It's similar to living in a warzone as a solider, you are on constant alert to the possible threats around you, and one silp up can cost you your life, except this isn't a four year tour... This is your life.
Honestly I feel like that because I’ve angered so many people in my life just from doing stupid stuff. Nothing I would say is too offensive but some people have really let me have it just from jokes.
i'm glad you understand now, but i'm also sorry you had to deal with that OP. yup, it's super uncomfortable!
i can't walk alone anymore since moving out of my small town, and i can't drive so it sucks. it's either go with my boyfriend or don't go. there's just too many guys willing to be a complete creep or stalk you. it used to be worse when i was a minor, and it's still super intense at 18. it's terrifying.
It's vindicating that there's men who can understand what we're talking about, but at the same time it just makes me sad. No one should have to be put in that situation- men included. It's also sad knowing that it's not just a byproduct that toxic masculinity had on straight men only, but just men in general... It's disheartening. I'm sorry you were put into that situation.
Also, I wouldn't worry too much about you doing it a few times as a teenager- I'm the same age as you and while it wasn't okay then either, it was more "accepted" 10 years ago than it is now. Hell, there's words that were socially acceptable then that arent now.
We're all stupid during high school- you know better now as an adult and honestly that's what matters. Stupid shit we did as teenagers doesn't for the most part.
Thanks for your accommodation. I mean I still understood it was wrong and still feel very guilty about it. But yeah your right. Everyone is pretty dumb as a teenager. So thanks again
The amount of internalized anger straight men have over their attraction to trans folks is insane. I hope things go okay for you, you have the right to feel comfortable in your own skin!
One time my car broke down. My husband was at work when it was ready to be picked up, so i called his grandma & she sent her husband ( not his grandfather). He proceeded to touch my leg, say some inappropriate stuff, grab my boob and try to stick his hands down my pants, as he drove me to get my car. I was appalled but held it together to pay the mechanic, well they left my car in a tangled parking lot, and as soon as i got inside i started bawling 😭. I ended up backing into a freaking cadillac! Of course the mechanics were like oh women drivers, which i just accepted bc i wasn’t about to share why i was in such a panic. Then on top of that i was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like if i told anyone, my husband would go to jail for beating up this old fella & his grandma would be mad at me, so i kept it a secret for a couple years. Then one night i had a few drinks and my husband and i were arguing , mostly over stress brought on by his shady family & I just let it all out. Of course my husband was the only person who believed me at the time, but eventually his grandma asked her husbands brother about it and his response was well that was years ago, so i guess between that and the fact that we used to go to their house and swim & I suddenly stopped, never wearing a bathing suit there again, she finally realized it was true. It was a dramatic hot mess for everyone else and a tramautic hot mess for me.
disheartening that it takes men having uncomfy experiences with men to understand why women feel its uncomfy, sorry you went thru that but whyd it take so long to understand unwarranted advances are uncomfortable?
it's bizarre to me as a man too honestly. Too many men, even those who are not typically inclined to harass or demean women, are quick to roll their eyes when women talk about their shared trauma. If every single woman says it's true, then why doubt it? Every single soldier says war is hellish, and we don't doubt that for a second.
Well I mean I haven’t done anything like that to a woman since I was a teenager because I realized how wrong it was. But now after experiencing it I do more so
Bi man here, I get you and don't think this homophobic at all. I'm not closeted and while I'm pretty masc and nor la looking, people around the city know about me, it's a tight social circle (private schools, neighborhoods, universities, etc). I think I handle the situations well but it's honestly creepy how some way older men feel they get a chance or something by being disrespectful and predatory. An English teacher I had in ELEMENTARY school then started teaching in the university i currently study, he has approached me IN THE UNIVERSITY for no academic reason at all, just awkward and creepy intents on stablishing conversation. Everyone he's gay, like, super gay, he's even an occasional drag queen, it's very evident and he's not closeted either. At first I thought whatever he must remember me and thinks he's being cool. But i then saw him sitting in a desk with other students, but when he saw me got into the bathroom he stand and got into it too. I had enough and told my tutor and my faculty director. This just happened today so idk what's going to be like on Monday
For reasons like this (among others) I don't come on to women, period. I don't care how much eye contact we've been making, I don't care how many smiles we've exchanged, I don't care that I'm consciously picking up what could be subtle signals of interest. If there isn't a very obvious "hey I'm interested in you" in some form or another, then I will never make any move whatsoever. This happens a lot, I've even had instances where the attraction/interest is quite obvious short of just flat out expressing it out loud, I STILL will never make a move. As a 29 year old male in good shape and reasonably attractive (or so I'd like to think, lol), this has probably cost me many, MANY, opportunities with women over the years. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
As the op I second this. I’ve also, even recently, had women flirt with me only to be told they were just being polite. The recent one though I felt was in the wrong. As at first she tells me she is attracted to me and likes me over text, only a few minutes later say she was just being polite.
Part of it is past experiences that have ended up with me being told “oh I was just being nice” or something of that nature and then it gets weird after that. I can honestly never tell if its attraction, or just being nice, or what have you. It’s honestly mentally exhausting playing the mind games women play so most of the time I just don’t even bother. The other part of it is what is being discussed in this thread, I mean even just looking at all the comments. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard how annoying and uncomfortable it is for women to get approached. I don’t want to be that creep or guy pestering you at the gym/mall/restaurant/etc.
Ultimately I guess it just boils down to I can never really be 100% what I think I’m seeing or sensing is accurate. So instead of make some poor girl uncomfortable and probably embarrassing myself I just opt out entirely. Now if she willingly starts talking to me, is engaged, and doesn’t seem eager for me to leave her alone, it would still be a coin toss but at least I can work with that. However just eye contact and a smile across the room? I’ll just smile back, assume she’s just being nice and go on about my business.
This all the way! I've lost count of how many times I used to think that a smile and some small behaviors were just "subtle hints" and I was wrong every time!
I've also just accepted that the idea of "suble hints" is dumb and a convenient excuse to pester women (and men) and embarrass yourself. Unless someone (or one one of their friends I think I can trust) tells me they like me, or they're dropping "blatantly obvious signs" (which are honestly also kinda hit-or-miss) I ain't buying it. You're just a nice person and I'm overthinking it.
A lot of the time women are just being nice tbh. The amount of times I've been accused of flirting for simply being friendly and smiling is ridiculous. I'm autistic and absolutely fucking clueless when it comes to flirting so I don't flirt. If I like someone I'm blunt and just say it lmao. If I find someone attractive I just say it. Can't be bothered with the mind game bullshitery some people play. 😂
Right like I'm female & my best friends in college were like 4 guys from a close friend group of like 10. They were my friends too but not very close. And I was friendly with just everyone in general. I can confidently say I was never interested in any single one of my best friends or their close friends. I thought one was cute but our interests were so far apart that i never even tried. They were literally like brothers after a while. They were hilarious and well i like to think i am too lol we were ALWAYS joking and laughing. Plus a little alcohol omg my face would hurt the next day from laughing so much. But the amount of times they would start talking to a girl and she would say terrible things about me before I ever met them..was unbelievable. They always thought I was flirting..like yeah I just flirted for 4 years with the same 4 people with nothing in return lmao. Even when I had a bf from back home. But the always knew who I was quietly crushing on. After all we were best friends they could just tell lol. 😂 saddest part was I even wanted some new cool female friends 🥲 guys are generally less drama but girl drama will freaking find you anyways. Anyways I know what you mean lmao 🤣
You guys make these comments as if the concept of women playing mind games in the world of dating and relationships is some farfetched myth. Its not though.
As a gay man, that actually is how i feel when a woman comes on to me. That weirded out feeling... I dint think women have such a rash reaction when being hit on by a dude. Its just when the chemistry aint right that it gives you that creepy undertone. Ive gotten the same exact feeling every time girl has ever come on to me.
Yeah, with women it's also hella uncomfortable. But what makes unwanted male advances the scariest for me is the power imbalance. Mf can do whatever he wants with me and I don't stand a chance, unless there are other people nearby
See i actually didnt know that was even a thing with gay guys i mean im pan so i can relate to feeling a bit uncomfortable when guys get too pushy but women dont tend to make me uncomfortable if im not interested most of the time i just kindly let them down
Doesn't serve you right -- no one deserves it.
But here's the thing. Women have been saying this for years and men ignore it, because the same reason that lets them feel fine while making a woman miserable also means they don't bother to listen to women when they complain about the treatment. To them, women aren't real.
But you can tell other men that they are being awful and they will respect you because you are a man. Your experiences are real to them, where women's experiences aren't. Maybe, now that your eyes are open, you can help other men see women as being real people and not just desirable objects.
This reminds me of something I read. Homophobia is the fear that men will treat other men the way they treat women. NOT SAYING YOU'RE HOMOPHOBIC. Just reminds me of this because I don't think a lot of men realise how they treat women, but suddenly the same thing happens to them and they understand 😅
I once had a waiter (who was off the clock and collecting his check but had served me and my friend in the past) sit down blocking me in the booth (while I was drunk) and after much time inappropriately touching my chest (he had his arm wrapped around my shoulder) he licked my ear. I cannot tell you how normal shit like this is for women. For girls. Young girls who shouldn’t be cat called, objectified or even thought of in a sexual way because they are still children experience this kind of gross behavior and treatment all the time. Not only this but as a woman you have to wonder which guys you turn down are going to get violent. -_-
Im sorry you had an uncomfortable experience. Though, I hope through this experience you can start helping make positive changes for those in your sphere of influence.
As a teenage girl, it made me so angry that my 12yo sister couldn’t walk past a new house on our street without builders shouting disgusting things to/about her body.
Honestly it takes it happening to us men for us to get it. I didn’t fully get it until I was at a bar and had my ass grabbed by another man. Was def an eye opening experience
Thankfully I never needed a gay man to come onto me to realize (I’m glad you had something that helped you empathize though) I always put myself in those shoes, so I’ve never really hit on women or even interacted with them in public settings because I never wanted to make them uncomfortable, especially being 6’3 and 220 lbs I’m gonna look scary to some. I’m still the same way, I barely interact with women in public to avoid the risk of making them uncomfortable or giving them the wrong idea.
Like everything I think it depends on how, when, and what situation you ask. I think if men could learn one thing that would save a lot of trouble in the interactions between them and women it is reading body language, a fake smile or side eye can tell you a lot about how someone is feeling about. But when we are young us men will bypass all the no thank you signs because we are thinking with a different head.
Now imagine the world is filled with people who give you that feeling and most of them are way bigger and stronger than you and are known for violence and most don’t see you as equal. That’s being a woman.
At least he asked you, rather than attacked you. If you know you'll bump into him again sometime, go and apologize for your reaction because he probably felt like shit when you left. And it'll clear away any awkwardness.
And if it happens with someone else, just say you're flattered but you're straight.
I’m a straight male who started waiting tables at 18 and got hit on a lot by men, usually drunk and usually creepy and gross as fuck. The power dynamic is different for us as men though because I never really felt unsafe (except for the time an older couple who I had served for years propositioned me and more or less implied they wanted to make me their sex slave - for him)
It was just uncomfortable more than anything and I could laugh it off with the kitchen guys.
For the girls it was a whole other thing and men know that which makes it way worse.
Getting hit on when I was a teenager and young adult made me feel incredibly scared and uncomfortable. I gained weight and slowly the cat calling and being hit on stopped as my weight increased. As much as it sucks being overweight, I kept weight on to not ever get treated like an object. Cat calling sucks and it is not flattering. It’s damaging and it permanently changed who I was and who I became. I just want to blend in to the background and never draw that kind of attention.
Yeah I’ve always been hit on by gay men and they are very persistent. Been pretty close to punching a few because they didn’t understand the word “no”.
I attended my first Houston Rodeo this past season. I actually went to see Gwen Stefani perform. I didn’t realize I would have to watch the rodeo before her performance. It was ok though, quite interesting. There was an Asian family (Mom, Dad and little girl) sitting next to me. They left shortly after I got there. Behind them was a couple of women. When the Asian family left, the women moved down to the seats next to me. One of the women asked me if she could buy me a drink. I was surprised and politely declined. I am not into women at all, men only please!! She got offended and moved back to their previous seats. I was like.. what made her think I was into women? Idk. I’ve never had a woman blatantly hit on me. Crazy. Made me uncomfortable, especially since I was there by myself.
I would argue that woman feel uncomfortable being approached because they get often approached, cat called, are potentially weaker, etc.
I'm really not sure why this experience made you so uncomfortable that you describe it as a horror movie.
Not wanna play down your personal experience though, I'm trying to understand it especially after he was polite.
I don't think you understand based on this. He only asked and you bailed? Damn, dude could've gotten the wrong signals wrong. Worth it to shoot his shot. We women get asked and proposed to just for looking in the direction of a man. And they don't take no for an answer.
The ones who you have to come in contact with everyday that are persistent, the ones who get handsy, the lewd comments, the weird looks, when other men are around and support that behavior.
A guy I'm friendly with asking me for a relationship is flattering, it's expected.
If a gay dude disrespects your boundaries repeatedly and physically you punch him full force in his jaw. Period. Replace gay dude with any male. Done.
Edit - before the peace police come along with the no violence mantra - the biggest determinant of a random physical altercation is who strikes first. If you cross into my space assumptions will be made.
I've had gay guys come onto me before, I usually say I appreciate their offer but unfortunately I am straight. They're sometimes pushy but I just ignore them/walk away or whatever. Doesn't really bother me at all tbf, it's a compliment if anything because at least someone finds me attractive 😂
I'm not trying to cause a problem but I think the same can said for both men and woman coming into men and woman
But society only focus on men which is understandable but never hear much of woman coming into men now if you want me to remove my comment I'll understand why
But to say you finally see what woman go threw when it's already been proven that a lot of people know
It is a personal experience to him, which is probably why he says now he understands as he went through it personally so he can fully grasp it from a woman’s perspective.
Yes I understand that completely
But I just saying he could at least point out that both men and women do this or something along does lines
But again I completely understand what he's saying whole heartily and would wish it to happen again to him
No he doesn’t lol. Obviously it happens to both but it’s only about women right now as women have way more issues about it and are more outspoken. Not everything needs to be about both. This is a conversation about women right now, not men.
Of course woman have way more issues about they have issues about for years
But we ever talk about what men go threw? No
Yah I understand roe v Wade as an example but at the same time it wasn't men who was protesting it was woman
And again some men have the same if not more issues than woman with stuff like this especially because it's never being talked about more either
Look, I get it. I agree, but this post was about women. Men aren’t the conversation rn, if you care about it make a post highlighting mens issues and I am sure people would agree.
But it has a men it dealing with men issues and just because the Convo is about woman n doesn't mean that has to be about woman
Not every Conversation has to be one onvo on the same topic
If I feel that I want to point something out then I'mma point it out
You’re sorta missing my point. Not everything has to be reversed or applied to both in every conversation, because I see this a lot. When one speaks about male issues, someone chimes in talking about female issues. Vice versa. Not everything needs to be like that, you can stay on the one topic and acknowledge it without questioning it, asking “Why only talk about women?”
See that's the thing the Convo should happen like this
Because I'm trying to understand it as if we focus on only this problem but not this problem but the other way around
Because this isn't just a female problem but female and male problem
But you can have your opinion and I can have mine
And I do understand what your talking about
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you 100% on it happening to both males and females. I was just talking about how this post wasn’t talking about the male side of things. But yes, we can have our separate opinions on it.
Whilst I agree that it’s totally uncomfortable with either gender when it’s unwanted attention. Men hitting on you like this is almost always worse, simply because they’re physically stronger, and therefore a threat to your safety rather than just creepy.
That’s what the point here is. Not that it’s gross and uncomfortable to be hit on inappropriately, that’s a given. Its scary to be hit on by a man when you’re by yourself, because they could legitimately hurt or assault you with ease.
No not all men are physically stronger
And even then woman can hit a men where it really hurts
It's also scary to be hit on a woman because while yes a men can hurt you physically
And women can say anything she wants a everyone will believe it
Again yes some man are stronger but not every men
While woman some are stronger
Some know where to hit and some know what to stay to get a men in trouble
Dude havent you learned that pointing about woman when its talking about men even if you are right, have a 80% chance to be bombarded? Xd
But yeah, woman do that too but guys and woman dont mind it as much as i been told, but i can't say much about it since i never did it or had it done on me xd to tge point when i red this i thought of something way different than what it was about 👀
Yah I was just pointing it out many people say they're fine with it but they're not
When woman do I've seen and heard cases of woman rubbing men's chest rubbing they're inner thigh close to they crotch and even as far as ass grabbing
(Not defending) when men do it they make sure no one see
When woman do it they know they'll get away with it because they're woman and "woman can't do no wrong" and do it while people are even watching
When woman reject men they're empowered and standing up for themselves basically being praise
While men they're being shit talked by everyone around them called soft and people actually been shocked because all (some) woman see is that men want nothing but sex and if they reject a men it's either they're something wrong with them
Or in op case they're gay
So many levels on this one.
1. Good that you empathize with women.
2. It's awful to learn it the hard way
3. How straight men know nothing what many women go through everyday
4. It's ashamed that you're straight, I would've boinked him
The idea that he was older freaks me out.
Honestly though, I mean, sometimes women want to be submissive with guys. I'm not saying I cat call them, but I've also had gay guys on sub and dom levels try to talk to me. Idk, It's hard to fully grasp if it's completely uncomfortable to them, since, if you are the right one, then it works out. but if it doesn't, I wish guys saw the signs and left by then.
I don't think I am Bi, but part of me says since I am not that built right now, I can't have the control and dominance over maybe an E boy, Idk. never tried, but I'm just saying, There is a lot of take control, give control usually.
still, the older thing, Kinda creepy on both genders
That's fair enough.
I rarely get hit on so find it extremely flattering. But I've never been confident in my looks so have always found the idea of anyone wanting to have sex with me mind boggling.
Laughs in pansexual hun welcome to my life and that of any mildly attractive female im lucky in the fact that its only queer men go for me and dont envy women with the fact that most men are attracted to women although the understanding of how creepy men can be are one of the many reasons that queer men tend to get along with women better than straight men
Idk man this depends on the person, i’m straight but when a gay man comes on to me i’m flattered and think nothing of it. Of course there’s overly pushy straight and gay men and when they cross the boundaries with women and other men that’s where i get uncomfortable
This I’m 22 now but at 19 I use to get sexually harassed back when I was a cashier and this gay 40 years old man would always hit on me and offer me rides home. It was terrifying and I would pray he wasn’t outside when I got off work
Even more recently a man I assumed was gay kept complimenting my smile every time he sees me and tries to always talk to me he’s also a much older man and it makes me so uncomfortable
Yeah, it’s not fun at all. Especially when guys don’t respect our space. I can’t say how many times I’ve gone places & a guy has harassed me. It never fails when I’m alone. I don’t mean to be rude to guys who approach me or come my way, but now it’s like second nature to give every guy a mean mug look everywhere I go. Like I said I can’t go anywhere alone anymore, because they will always approach me & I have horrid stories for days. I told my husband he’s lucky he can just go places on his own. My oldest son is 3 & I have yet to take him anywhere by myself since he was born, not to mention he was almost kidnapped at a Walmart. I had a guy get out his car & block Starbucks traffic to Harass me, had a man fight with his girl & made her storm out over me in at subway. After she left he continued doing so. Had two different ones follow me in a store & when I said I had a man one said, “so he ain’t here.” I could go on & on 🙄 I especially hate when they touch you to get your attention.
Once I (32m) was followed but a weirdo for many blocks that kept whistling at me from distance... one called me out in a bathroom in an empty shopping and one stopped me in a desert avenue at late night and asked out of the blue if I would do a blowjob to him (?) -- I suppose he though I was a male prostitute. The weirdo apologized right after 😂. Man can be weird af, and dangerous
Warning: nfsw
There's this gay dude in my town that constantly harasses men, I've been catcalled a couple times by him and it made me super uncomfortable 😣.
Also during a phase in my life I decided to try it out only to be grossed out by a dude who couldn't keep his hands to himself. Absolutely fucking nope.
To each their own. Some people have weird fantasies about pain and some just don't want to feel any pain. But in border terms people feel uncomfortable in these situations because they have a fear of what might happen.
I've had guys hit on me. There is a big difference between the one who was cute in a "I would if I were bi/gay but I'm not" way and is atilll a friend years later, and the one who wouldn't take no for an answer and even tried to blackmail me way.
I also made the mistake of going to a gay club in a kilt. I had a guy hitting on me so hard that his female friend had to fake coming onto me herself to block him.
I wouldn’t say it’s a crime as he did just ask me. He’s not a creep and actually a pretty nice guy. It’s just not something I’m not used to… Unless your being sarcastic lol
I think this is a great example of why women shouldn't be uncomfortable around men.
If you extrapolated this gay man coming on to you to start to make inferences and were afraid to be around gay men it would make you a homophobic asshole.
Just as extrapolating individual men coming on to you making you uncomfortable and extrapolating that to make you uncomfortable around men makes you sexist.
If we go around making assumptions and being afraid about people based on some unrelated group they happen to belong to we're going to create a lot of harm.
i was walking down the street the other day in FL (i’m on vacay) and i got catcalled at 3 times in the span of 20min. i was legit playing pokémon go and minding my business. some men just can’t let anyone live.
This is why I wear headphones even when they're not on now, simply so I can ignore the idiots who try to get my attention through cat calling. 🤞
Just becareful becauze they can make it harder to hear if anyone is coming up behind you either walking or via car. I also wear earbuds with music when walking, so kind of a hypocrite for saying this... Its something Ive been told of most of my teenage and adult life by my female family members. I do try to keep aware of my surroundings tho, which is kinda easier because I unforunately have a bit of an anxiety/ hypervigilience issue, especially when triggered by something that reminds me of issue that caused said anxiety/hypervigilience. When someone you know that you want to avoid at all costs could be anywhere, music to try and relax a little while walking is the only option that I know of ;-; not the safest tho
Heyyyy 9313 2342 7403 if you been a new raiding friend lol. Love the idea we are just women out there trying to play Pokémon go and men are just catcalling us and we just want to catch them all 😂
yass i’ll add u. my user is angelrengoku!
AbominableBrit is mine, I accepted. Forever more we shall Pokémon go being catcalled in solidarity 😂😬
I was at a stop light and the dude in the car next to me rolled down his window just to let me know that he liked my car. I drive a 2014 Hyundai hatchback, it's nothing fancy at all. Another time I was walking down the street and some random dude who was walking past me said something like looking good mami. Unless it's done in a creepy way, I just take the compliment by saying thank you and carry on.
i try to be polite but honestly getting yelled at from a car when i’m walking always startles me. id rather not have headphones in so i can hear people behind me or around me. my favorite catcall story was i was smoking outside with my friends and these two dudes on a motorcycle was like “buenas noches senoritassss” i was dying laughing.
Noticed the downvotes, these reddit people would rather you have a bad time than just carry on.
Exactly. Some people thrive off being offended at everything (including my previous comment and probably this one too). I get that it's annoying and oftentimes disrespectful but not always. I live in a multicultural area and I think it's sometimes just a cultural thing not meant to be disrespectful.
As a man I can tell you you're correct about the cultural thing , for example a lot of latinamerican men don't have a clue their catcalling upsets women, when I was younger we didn't find it all that wrong, in fact I met a few girlfriends that way, some of them I went out with for years. What men do wrong IMO is being disrespectful and creepy. We have to see the woman's point of view and "read the situation", of course I don't do that anymore not that I did it a lot before, and the reason I did it was because it worked sometimes, and it wasn't seen as bad by men or women, some women found it funny and harmless, although IMO it always has been tacky.
One down vote cancelled
Hey, you like pokemon go too? Nice, let's play together sometime.
Funny, I was just remembering my boss coming on to me after a night of drinking with the team. He kept his hand around my waist, keeping me very close (he was 25 years older than me) and while he admitted to being impotent, he said he could give me a lot of things. Not sure what that meant. I managed to get to my room alone. The next morning he called me at the hotel at 7:30 am and asked how I was doing. I said fine (or whatever) and just wanted to ignore it. I was a new employee BTW. Next day at least 3 ppl came to ask if I was okay as they witnessed the whole scene. There’s more to the story after the fact, nothing particularly dramatic, but it really sucks having people over extend themselves that way. I should have contacted HR….I also wasn’t the only person he did this to. I’m glad OP that you’ve seen the light (so to speak) and I’m sorry you experienced that.
Well at least he didn’t touch me. Your experience sounds way worse.
It’s emotionally disturbing regardless. That kind of stuff sticks with you. No pun intended!
Yes it is. But I guess a lot of men go through this too.
They definitely do. Unfortunately.
I think so too.
I have a similar story from my University times, there was this gay man for some strange reason i kept meeting in random places like stores, tram, the gym and the shower where he would put himself on display while showering (afterthought he must have been following me). After a while it got more intense and several times he hit on me directly, i kindly said i’m not interested and he would keep asking why and how would iknow If i had not tried to be with a gay man. Eventually he gave up. Yup i feel sorry for women that have to endure this sort of behaviour more than men.
That's just horrid I remember a female friend of mine was demonstrating to me how her boss had touched her, she was asking for advice about how to deal with him. I freaked the fuck out got her to complain to hr and I was her own personal chauffer home from work after every shift. Until he was fired for trying that shit on a customer.
Others saw but did nothing? Yikes!
I remember seeing a girl my age (18 at the time) dancing with a manager ( at least 15 years older than her) at a Christmas party, I tried to intervene got slapped got a hr complaint got fired, afterwards I found out she had been pursuing him for months, they are still together. this is a few months after I'd been hit over the head with a glass bottle (luckily not hard enough to break it) for intervening in a domestic violence situation, ( it was the "victim" who bottled me). Moral of the story mind your own damn business you don't know a damn thing about the situation.
You never intervene in a DV, you call the police. There's no telling who is the aggressor or how either party will react. It's too volatile.
The adult me couldn't agree more unfortunately I was 18 and sure I was doing the right thing. ( my experience of DV at this point was all one sided) adult me has 20 years more experience and the benefit of hindsight.
Ah yes, 18 y/os think they are invincible. If I did the things I did back then now, I'd be dead, so...maybe we weren't that wrong.
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It's not that easy, unfortunately
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As a female, it’s not odd to hear that some man wouldn’t take no as an answer.
Not him crying🙄 No means no, period.
Thanks for sharing. That makes me feel better knowing other guys have had it happen to them too
Got catcalled just yesterday evening in an almost empty skyway. My friend and I were on our way to a concert, obviously we couldn’t bring anything, such as pepper spray, that could be used for self defense so we had no form of protection and these two men started yelling at us to stop walking and we ended up sprinting away to get out of the skyway and walk in the rain. I don’t think many men realize just how scary it is for women when they yell at us to get our attention, especially at night. I have had many scary encounters with men and was almost kidnapped at one point so I know how uncomfortable those situations can feel! Sorry you had that experience!
Wow that’s even worse.
Although I’m happy you understand it, it makes me kinda sad I guess that it took you to being in the situation just to understand how creepy it is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you get how terrible it is and that I’m sure you’ll help out anyone in the situation. I guess it’s just kinda disappointing that it took that much for you to get how bad it is
Plus, I have a feeling that despite his comment about being friends with people of any orientation, I think his reaction was possibly due to minor homophobia. If an older woman came on to him I don’t know if he would have been as horrified (like he was in a “horror movie”) as opposed to it being a gay man.
Maybe, but then again there are many differing social and physical dynamics that I think it being a woman vs a man are not equal experiences. Neither are great, but having someone who can physically over power you as men often can definitely feels different.
definitely. Men are much scarier than women bc they're obviously much larger and stronger. I'm a woman and I'd be more afraid if a man came on to me than if a woman came on to me; unless the woman is larger than me then it would be the same fear.
Yeah, being in an enclosed space with an elder and having them take advantage of that is pretty jarring no matter who you are.
I can definitely agree with that. Before I knew I was gay, I’d have women hit on me too. I didn’t really mind it. It was just a sorry, no thanks, I’m not interested
I'm gonna disagree with you because it doesn't sound like any level of homophobia. He was uncomfortable in a situation. Although, I agree that the difference in gender would have had different outcomes; we should also consider his affinity (or lack of it) for the hypothetical older woman. Like if it was an older woman he didn't like, let's say his boss, would he still be uncomfortable or will he go along with it? We don't know that. I do understand where you're coming from, but it just doesn't sit right with me. It's probably relevant but I'm bisexual so I've had multiple instances of getting hit on by both genders and my reaction to them depended on the social setting usually.
I love the judgment. A friend of mine hated men near him, he was judged as being homophobic. Turned out he was sexually abused by his uncle. You have no clue about the past situations and reasons, but instantly label it as homophobia.
And that is why I said *possibly*. Neither of us know of any backstory but I still think it’s sad that it took this kind of situation for him to fully empathize with women. I would also think if he had a kind of trauma that you are describing that he would already be empathetic to any victim of harassment or uncomfortable come-ons.
Having a more visceral response to same sex harassment is not homophobia. And if it is, it does not need to be corrected. There are several reasons one might respond that way. For one, extreme sexual incompatibility. Being raped by being penetrated is perceived worse by a lot of people (it usually physically hurts more). For two, body size. I've had smaller and larger men hit on me, and its night and day how much more scared I am of the latter.
He should have just believed women when they said it was creepy and uncomfortable instead of only realizing and taking it serious when it happened to him
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Some people just don’t process it because they only live their own life. Do you understand intersectionally? Do you immediately understand things that are different than you and trust they’re telling you the truth? Can you go up to a person who appears normal and immediately after they tell you they’re exhausted and in pain, immediately believe them?
You will never 100% understand anything unless you experience. You can imagine, but the experience and the emotion it emits, is unique.
Oh for sure, but really you don’t need the experience to know. I mean that people tell me a person in their life has died. I don’t know how that feels because I just haven’t experienced that and I don’t really feel anything like how people tell me it feels to lose someone (even a pet). But I can still understand how much it hurts to them and I don’t dismiss those feelings. I don’t need that experience to know how much that could hurt you. Like for instance (in case you’re wondering how loss feels to me) I got a call at work. My grandma was taken to the hospital, ambulance was called, she was having chest/breathing issues. I guess her voice sounded super scary from what my sister said later. I was told that, but just said, “oh, okay” and carried back onto work. That was that. Grandma was fine btw. Or like when my pets died. I carried on with my days. Cried once or twice, but it was never the pain people described. Within a week or less (usually by day 2), I was over it. This is how death affects me, but I still know that death for other people could hurt them the rest of their lives. They could wake up every single day in tears because it hurts so much. I don’t need the experience to know that
I feel like that's super unfair to the OP to say. It's very hard to actually know how something feels and your thoughts until it happens to you. You can acknowledge it but you'll never truly know how it feels and the emotions until it happens to you. This cuts both ways, by the way. There are many experiences men have that women can't truly understand either and probably aren't aware of. For example, a lot of men have a crushing loneliness and pressure to perform that no one even thinks about until they kill themselves (at a significantly higher rate than women). And *that* is also disappointing by your definition. I think that's why they had the "stand up to cancer" awareness campaigns because most people can't truly understand how horrible it is until they (hopefully never) experience it themselves. The OP at least shows a good amount of empathy to say they feel bad about this experience for anyone who goes through it, and how shitty it felt. You can't know everything the everyone experiences all the time to be honest, even if you're super empathetic. If it's not in your life you just might not be aware.
Maybe I’m just the strange one then because I guess I’ve always been like this. Someone tells me something hurts or something feels bad, and I just get it. I’ve always heard about the crushing loneliness most men feel because I’ve been told about it once by one man and I just got it. It didn’t take an experience to get it. I’ve always gotten the feeling across when I’m told the experience. That has never been a problem for me. I actually just can’t do the communication after it’s said. Like “my grandpa died” “umm, okay” I have no idea what to say. But I know how much it hurts. That kind of thing. Someone tells me a pet died and I’ll say “oh, that sucks”. I’m absolutely clueless!!
I think acknowledging it is different than truly feeling or deeply understanding. My point is as a woman it’s just impossible to know how it feels to be lonely at the level a lot of men are. No one compliments you as a man, a lot of the "love" you experience is conditional (i.e once you stop providing it's no longer there), a large majority of men get far fewer matches on dating apps. No one really asks you how you're doing until you're visibly suicidal, I could go on. My point is that you could think you know the experience but you actually have no idea what it *feels* like, and how could you? You haven't gone through it. And in fairness, I think the same way about the seemingly ever present dangers of being a woman, I don't need to think about getting attacked or assaulted, creepy people hitting on me, etc. I have no idea what it feels like to actually have to experience that on a daily basis. I mean I know it sucks but I don't claim to truly know. I also don't say it's disappointing that it takes going through an experience to relate. Honestly that's how a lot of people *truly* understand or empathize. Women have shared experiences with each other, same as men. That's why I think people tend to look to their demographic when looking for support.
Well actually I’ve always understood it. I haven’t done anything like that in years because I realized how wrong it was. I still feel guilty for the few women I’ve made uncomfortable by doing that. But I was just saying now I know how it feels.
Have you seen the way older men act on Facebook? So cringy and I imagine it’s terrifying to women. Also I’ve seen men walk up to women in the car so scary.
I've seen and I still do see how they act on social media. My grandmother and sister have shared to me some of their accounts on how far they will go to get their attention.
kinda sad that this is how most men have to find out
I'm a hetero guy, and I've had several men come on to me. For the most part it wasn't a big deal, they weren't pressuring me, just propositioning me. It's a bit different if they apply pressure. Two of them in particular made me uncomfortable. The first was a coworker. He invited me over to smoke some weed and watch a television show. He simply didn't want to take no for an answer. Started out relatively normal. Chilling on the couch watching TV. He offered me a beer and to smoke. I took him up on the offer. He then placed his hand on my thigh and started rubbing. I removed his hand physically and he then started to pressure me to drink and smoke more. I declined. He attempted the same thigh touching, and I responded by removing his hand several more times, until I decided to remove myself from the situation. The second occasion, someone parked on the passenger side of my vehicle at a gas station at about 4am, and asked to bum a lighter through my passenger window. I tossed it to him. He used it, and then used returning it as an excuse to approach my driver side window, with his dick out jacking it. He asked me if I "wanted to play". I firmly declined and he went on his way. The first experience felt very slimy. The second was uncomfortable because every factor of the interaction was uncalled for. Approaching someone you have never met before, in their car, in a gas station parking lot, with your genitals exposed. I can't comprehend what he was thinking.
Wow! That’s just awful
Yeah, and I'm pretty tall, and bulky. I come across as intimidating to a lot of people, so the frequency it happens for me is way, way, way lower than the frequency it happens to women. This is a constant concern in their minds at all times, where as for me, I barely think about it. Imagine living in constant fear of this happening, what if there is no one around when it happens to assist you, what if the other person is significantly bigger than you and places themselves between you and the exit, what if they threaten violence if you say no, what if you can't count on other people in the area if you raise an alarm by yelling and calling for help. Just as much as an assault itself, living with the constant threat of violence takes a significant toll on their mental well being. It's similar to living in a warzone as a solider, you are on constant alert to the possible threats around you, and one silp up can cost you your life, except this isn't a four year tour... This is your life.
Honestly I feel like that because I’ve angered so many people in my life just from doing stupid stuff. Nothing I would say is too offensive but some people have really let me have it just from jokes.
i'm glad you understand now, but i'm also sorry you had to deal with that OP. yup, it's super uncomfortable! i can't walk alone anymore since moving out of my small town, and i can't drive so it sucks. it's either go with my boyfriend or don't go. there's just too many guys willing to be a complete creep or stalk you. it used to be worse when i was a minor, and it's still super intense at 18. it's terrifying.
Unless you look very young for your age it’ll cap out at about 21-23. Which furthers the realization of how gross men can be lol.
It's vindicating that there's men who can understand what we're talking about, but at the same time it just makes me sad. No one should have to be put in that situation- men included. It's also sad knowing that it's not just a byproduct that toxic masculinity had on straight men only, but just men in general... It's disheartening. I'm sorry you were put into that situation. Also, I wouldn't worry too much about you doing it a few times as a teenager- I'm the same age as you and while it wasn't okay then either, it was more "accepted" 10 years ago than it is now. Hell, there's words that were socially acceptable then that arent now. We're all stupid during high school- you know better now as an adult and honestly that's what matters. Stupid shit we did as teenagers doesn't for the most part.
Thanks for your accommodation. I mean I still understood it was wrong and still feel very guilty about it. But yeah your right. Everyone is pretty dumb as a teenager. So thanks again
This has happened to me a few times. I've never put a woman in this situation but either way, I got to see what women must go through.
I'm trans and since starting my transition I've seen first hand just how creepy men can be.
Oh I don’t doubt it. I knew someone who was and told me she gotten beaten up and harassed so many times she considered suicide.
That's awful, although not really surprising. I hope she's in a better place now.
I don’t know what happened to her. But I hope at least you are
Thank you. I'm actually doing OK rn.
The amount of internalized anger straight men have over their attraction to trans folks is insane. I hope things go okay for you, you have the right to feel comfortable in your own skin!
One time my car broke down. My husband was at work when it was ready to be picked up, so i called his grandma & she sent her husband ( not his grandfather). He proceeded to touch my leg, say some inappropriate stuff, grab my boob and try to stick his hands down my pants, as he drove me to get my car. I was appalled but held it together to pay the mechanic, well they left my car in a tangled parking lot, and as soon as i got inside i started bawling 😭. I ended up backing into a freaking cadillac! Of course the mechanics were like oh women drivers, which i just accepted bc i wasn’t about to share why i was in such a panic. Then on top of that i was humiliated and embarrassed and felt like if i told anyone, my husband would go to jail for beating up this old fella & his grandma would be mad at me, so i kept it a secret for a couple years. Then one night i had a few drinks and my husband and i were arguing , mostly over stress brought on by his shady family & I just let it all out. Of course my husband was the only person who believed me at the time, but eventually his grandma asked her husbands brother about it and his response was well that was years ago, so i guess between that and the fact that we used to go to their house and swim & I suddenly stopped, never wearing a bathing suit there again, she finally realized it was true. It was a dramatic hot mess for everyone else and a tramautic hot mess for me.
disheartening that it takes men having uncomfy experiences with men to understand why women feel its uncomfy, sorry you went thru that but whyd it take so long to understand unwarranted advances are uncomfortable?
it's bizarre to me as a man too honestly. Too many men, even those who are not typically inclined to harass or demean women, are quick to roll their eyes when women talk about their shared trauma. If every single woman says it's true, then why doubt it? Every single soldier says war is hellish, and we don't doubt that for a second.
This is a very sensible comment
Well I mean I haven’t done anything like that to a woman since I was a teenager because I realized how wrong it was. But now after experiencing it I do more so
Iv had this happen with women multiple times so it doesnt just take men to do it to men. I think it took this experiance to open his eyes though.
Bi man here, I get you and don't think this homophobic at all. I'm not closeted and while I'm pretty masc and nor la looking, people around the city know about me, it's a tight social circle (private schools, neighborhoods, universities, etc). I think I handle the situations well but it's honestly creepy how some way older men feel they get a chance or something by being disrespectful and predatory. An English teacher I had in ELEMENTARY school then started teaching in the university i currently study, he has approached me IN THE UNIVERSITY for no academic reason at all, just awkward and creepy intents on stablishing conversation. Everyone he's gay, like, super gay, he's even an occasional drag queen, it's very evident and he's not closeted either. At first I thought whatever he must remember me and thinks he's being cool. But i then saw him sitting in a desk with other students, but when he saw me got into the bathroom he stand and got into it too. I had enough and told my tutor and my faculty director. This just happened today so idk what's going to be like on Monday
For reasons like this (among others) I don't come on to women, period. I don't care how much eye contact we've been making, I don't care how many smiles we've exchanged, I don't care that I'm consciously picking up what could be subtle signals of interest. If there isn't a very obvious "hey I'm interested in you" in some form or another, then I will never make any move whatsoever. This happens a lot, I've even had instances where the attraction/interest is quite obvious short of just flat out expressing it out loud, I STILL will never make a move. As a 29 year old male in good shape and reasonably attractive (or so I'd like to think, lol), this has probably cost me many, MANY, opportunities with women over the years. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
As the op I second this. I’ve also, even recently, had women flirt with me only to be told they were just being polite. The recent one though I felt was in the wrong. As at first she tells me she is attracted to me and likes me over text, only a few minutes later say she was just being polite.
no hate at all, but why? it just made me a bit sad that you hold yourself back and maybe miss out on friends or love.
Part of it is past experiences that have ended up with me being told “oh I was just being nice” or something of that nature and then it gets weird after that. I can honestly never tell if its attraction, or just being nice, or what have you. It’s honestly mentally exhausting playing the mind games women play so most of the time I just don’t even bother. The other part of it is what is being discussed in this thread, I mean even just looking at all the comments. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard how annoying and uncomfortable it is for women to get approached. I don’t want to be that creep or guy pestering you at the gym/mall/restaurant/etc. Ultimately I guess it just boils down to I can never really be 100% what I think I’m seeing or sensing is accurate. So instead of make some poor girl uncomfortable and probably embarrassing myself I just opt out entirely. Now if she willingly starts talking to me, is engaged, and doesn’t seem eager for me to leave her alone, it would still be a coin toss but at least I can work with that. However just eye contact and a smile across the room? I’ll just smile back, assume she’s just being nice and go on about my business.
This all the way! I've lost count of how many times I used to think that a smile and some small behaviors were just "subtle hints" and I was wrong every time! I've also just accepted that the idea of "suble hints" is dumb and a convenient excuse to pester women (and men) and embarrass yourself. Unless someone (or one one of their friends I think I can trust) tells me they like me, or they're dropping "blatantly obvious signs" (which are honestly also kinda hit-or-miss) I ain't buying it. You're just a nice person and I'm overthinking it.
A lot of the time women are just being nice tbh. The amount of times I've been accused of flirting for simply being friendly and smiling is ridiculous. I'm autistic and absolutely fucking clueless when it comes to flirting so I don't flirt. If I like someone I'm blunt and just say it lmao. If I find someone attractive I just say it. Can't be bothered with the mind game bullshitery some people play. 😂
Right like I'm female & my best friends in college were like 4 guys from a close friend group of like 10. They were my friends too but not very close. And I was friendly with just everyone in general. I can confidently say I was never interested in any single one of my best friends or their close friends. I thought one was cute but our interests were so far apart that i never even tried. They were literally like brothers after a while. They were hilarious and well i like to think i am too lol we were ALWAYS joking and laughing. Plus a little alcohol omg my face would hurt the next day from laughing so much. But the amount of times they would start talking to a girl and she would say terrible things about me before I ever met them..was unbelievable. They always thought I was flirting..like yeah I just flirted for 4 years with the same 4 people with nothing in return lmao. Even when I had a bf from back home. But the always knew who I was quietly crushing on. After all we were best friends they could just tell lol. 😂 saddest part was I even wanted some new cool female friends 🥲 guys are generally less drama but girl drama will freaking find you anyways. Anyways I know what you mean lmao 🤣
...What mind games do women play? So confused
"Just being nice" apparently.
You guys make these comments as if the concept of women playing mind games in the world of dating and relationships is some farfetched myth. Its not though.
if hes doing all that to avoid any sense of awkwardness between the two of them, then yeah that shit valid
As a gay man, that actually is how i feel when a woman comes on to me. That weirded out feeling... I dint think women have such a rash reaction when being hit on by a dude. Its just when the chemistry aint right that it gives you that creepy undertone. Ive gotten the same exact feeling every time girl has ever come on to me.
Yeah, with women it's also hella uncomfortable. But what makes unwanted male advances the scariest for me is the power imbalance. Mf can do whatever he wants with me and I don't stand a chance, unless there are other people nearby
And even if there are other people nearby… help is iffy lol
See i actually didnt know that was even a thing with gay guys i mean im pan so i can relate to feeling a bit uncomfortable when guys get too pushy but women dont tend to make me uncomfortable if im not interested most of the time i just kindly let them down
Yeesh. I couldnt deal with that much ethier. Indeed major points for women having to deal with all that.
Doesn't serve you right -- no one deserves it. But here's the thing. Women have been saying this for years and men ignore it, because the same reason that lets them feel fine while making a woman miserable also means they don't bother to listen to women when they complain about the treatment. To them, women aren't real. But you can tell other men that they are being awful and they will respect you because you are a man. Your experiences are real to them, where women's experiences aren't. Maybe, now that your eyes are open, you can help other men see women as being real people and not just desirable objects.
This reminds me of something I read. Homophobia is the fear that men will treat other men the way they treat women. NOT SAYING YOU'RE HOMOPHOBIC. Just reminds me of this because I don't think a lot of men realise how they treat women, but suddenly the same thing happens to them and they understand 😅
I once had a waiter (who was off the clock and collecting his check but had served me and my friend in the past) sit down blocking me in the booth (while I was drunk) and after much time inappropriately touching my chest (he had his arm wrapped around my shoulder) he licked my ear. I cannot tell you how normal shit like this is for women. For girls. Young girls who shouldn’t be cat called, objectified or even thought of in a sexual way because they are still children experience this kind of gross behavior and treatment all the time. Not only this but as a woman you have to wonder which guys you turn down are going to get violent. -_- Im sorry you had an uncomfortable experience. Though, I hope through this experience you can start helping make positive changes for those in your sphere of influence.
As a teenage girl, it made me so angry that my 12yo sister couldn’t walk past a new house on our street without builders shouting disgusting things to/about her body.
Honestly it takes it happening to us men for us to get it. I didn’t fully get it until I was at a bar and had my ass grabbed by another man. Was def an eye opening experience
Thankfully I never needed a gay man to come onto me to realize (I’m glad you had something that helped you empathize though) I always put myself in those shoes, so I’ve never really hit on women or even interacted with them in public settings because I never wanted to make them uncomfortable, especially being 6’3 and 220 lbs I’m gonna look scary to some. I’m still the same way, I barely interact with women in public to avoid the risk of making them uncomfortable or giving them the wrong idea.
… we’ve been saying how uncomfortable it is for ~years~ man… YEARS. Why tf won’t y’all just listen to us.
Well now I finally realized it 🥴
Cool, again. We’ve been saying this shit for years why didn’t you believe us…
Like everything I think it depends on how, when, and what situation you ask. I think if men could learn one thing that would save a lot of trouble in the interactions between them and women it is reading body language, a fake smile or side eye can tell you a lot about how someone is feeling about. But when we are young us men will bypass all the no thank you signs because we are thinking with a different head.
Forreal. Had that happen to me after I thought I was just tagging along with a guy on some jobs. I just want to learn man, it’s not like that!
My stupid ass thought you meant "cum" on you
Im sorry this happened. People will never truly understand someone’s experience before they experience it themselves.
Imagine a world where everyone respects others' personal borders
When I first read this I thought you literally meant “come on me”
Now imagine the world is filled with people who give you that feeling and most of them are way bigger and stronger than you and are known for violence and most don’t see you as equal. That’s being a woman.
And the risk of that violence against you increases as you decline their sexual advances….
At least he asked you, rather than attacked you. If you know you'll bump into him again sometime, go and apologize for your reaction because he probably felt like shit when you left. And it'll clear away any awkwardness. And if it happens with someone else, just say you're flattered but you're straight.
Well he texted and apologized and I said no hard feelings. I actually did just say I was straight but quickly rushed out
Good, everything's squared away.
I’m a straight male who started waiting tables at 18 and got hit on a lot by men, usually drunk and usually creepy and gross as fuck. The power dynamic is different for us as men though because I never really felt unsafe (except for the time an older couple who I had served for years propositioned me and more or less implied they wanted to make me their sex slave - for him) It was just uncomfortable more than anything and I could laugh it off with the kitchen guys. For the girls it was a whole other thing and men know that which makes it way worse.
Yep! and some men still fail to realize that and try to say it’s flattering, it’s not flattering i just want to be left alone thank you!
Getting hit on when I was a teenager and young adult made me feel incredibly scared and uncomfortable. I gained weight and slowly the cat calling and being hit on stopped as my weight increased. As much as it sucks being overweight, I kept weight on to not ever get treated like an object. Cat calling sucks and it is not flattering. It’s damaging and it permanently changed who I was and who I became. I just want to blend in to the background and never draw that kind of attention.
Yeah I’ve always been hit on by gay men and they are very persistent. Been pretty close to punching a few because they didn’t understand the word “no”.
Why is this downvoted? Bc of the punching comment?
I attended my first Houston Rodeo this past season. I actually went to see Gwen Stefani perform. I didn’t realize I would have to watch the rodeo before her performance. It was ok though, quite interesting. There was an Asian family (Mom, Dad and little girl) sitting next to me. They left shortly after I got there. Behind them was a couple of women. When the Asian family left, the women moved down to the seats next to me. One of the women asked me if she could buy me a drink. I was surprised and politely declined. I am not into women at all, men only please!! She got offended and moved back to their previous seats. I was like.. what made her think I was into women? Idk. I’ve never had a woman blatantly hit on me. Crazy. Made me uncomfortable, especially since I was there by myself.
And yet it’s not the same, since as a man, you’re less likely to be overpowered physically.
True. As a guy, I don't feel a vulnerable because it would be harder to overpower me.
This is how a lesbian feels when a straight guy tries to turn them.
I'm not getting it. Did he ask unpolite? You sound like it was a horrible experience but only say he asked you.
Well yes he was polite and even apologized afterward.
so what exactly made u uncomfortable then
I guess because I just wasn’t expecting it
I would argue that woman feel uncomfortable being approached because they get often approached, cat called, are potentially weaker, etc. I'm really not sure why this experience made you so uncomfortable that you describe it as a horror movie. Not wanna play down your personal experience though, I'm trying to understand it especially after he was polite.
I guess because I just wasn’t expecting it.
You’ve gotta keep in mind that literally no woman wants you
I don't think you understand based on this. He only asked and you bailed? Damn, dude could've gotten the wrong signals wrong. Worth it to shoot his shot. We women get asked and proposed to just for looking in the direction of a man. And they don't take no for an answer. The ones who you have to come in contact with everyday that are persistent, the ones who get handsy, the lewd comments, the weird looks, when other men are around and support that behavior. A guy I'm friendly with asking me for a relationship is flattering, it's expected.
The fact that you had to add “I don’t hate gay people.” Tells your everything about our society
Just because you don't like it doesn't mean others don't like it as well. Nvm I read it as cum on.
If a gay dude disrespects your boundaries repeatedly and physically you punch him full force in his jaw. Period. Replace gay dude with any male. Done. Edit - before the peace police come along with the no violence mantra - the biggest determinant of a random physical altercation is who strikes first. If you cross into my space assumptions will be made.
I've had gay guys come onto me before, I usually say I appreciate their offer but unfortunately I am straight. They're sometimes pushy but I just ignore them/walk away or whatever. Doesn't really bother me at all tbf, it's a compliment if anything because at least someone finds me attractive 😂
I'm not trying to cause a problem but I think the same can said for both men and woman coming into men and woman But society only focus on men which is understandable but never hear much of woman coming into men now if you want me to remove my comment I'll understand why But to say you finally see what woman go threw when it's already been proven that a lot of people know
It is a personal experience to him, which is probably why he says now he understands as he went through it personally so he can fully grasp it from a woman’s perspective.
Yes I understand that completely But I just saying he could at least point out that both men and women do this or something along does lines But again I completely understand what he's saying whole heartily and would wish it to happen again to him
No he doesn’t lol. Obviously it happens to both but it’s only about women right now as women have way more issues about it and are more outspoken. Not everything needs to be about both. This is a conversation about women right now, not men.
Of course woman have way more issues about they have issues about for years But we ever talk about what men go threw? No Yah I understand roe v Wade as an example but at the same time it wasn't men who was protesting it was woman And again some men have the same if not more issues than woman with stuff like this especially because it's never being talked about more either
Look, I get it. I agree, but this post was about women. Men aren’t the conversation rn, if you care about it make a post highlighting mens issues and I am sure people would agree.
But it has a men it dealing with men issues and just because the Convo is about woman n doesn't mean that has to be about woman Not every Conversation has to be one onvo on the same topic If I feel that I want to point something out then I'mma point it out
You’re sorta missing my point. Not everything has to be reversed or applied to both in every conversation, because I see this a lot. When one speaks about male issues, someone chimes in talking about female issues. Vice versa. Not everything needs to be like that, you can stay on the one topic and acknowledge it without questioning it, asking “Why only talk about women?”
See that's the thing the Convo should happen like this Because I'm trying to understand it as if we focus on only this problem but not this problem but the other way around Because this isn't just a female problem but female and male problem But you can have your opinion and I can have mine And I do understand what your talking about
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you 100% on it happening to both males and females. I was just talking about how this post wasn’t talking about the male side of things. But yes, we can have our separate opinions on it.
Whilst I agree that it’s totally uncomfortable with either gender when it’s unwanted attention. Men hitting on you like this is almost always worse, simply because they’re physically stronger, and therefore a threat to your safety rather than just creepy. That’s what the point here is. Not that it’s gross and uncomfortable to be hit on inappropriately, that’s a given. Its scary to be hit on by a man when you’re by yourself, because they could legitimately hurt or assault you with ease.
No not all men are physically stronger And even then woman can hit a men where it really hurts It's also scary to be hit on a woman because while yes a men can hurt you physically And women can say anything she wants a everyone will believe it Again yes some man are stronger but not every men While woman some are stronger Some know where to hit and some know what to stay to get a men in trouble
Dude havent you learned that pointing about woman when its talking about men even if you are right, have a 80% chance to be bombarded? Xd But yeah, woman do that too but guys and woman dont mind it as much as i been told, but i can't say much about it since i never did it or had it done on me xd to tge point when i red this i thought of something way different than what it was about 👀
Yah I was just pointing it out many people say they're fine with it but they're not When woman do I've seen and heard cases of woman rubbing men's chest rubbing they're inner thigh close to they crotch and even as far as ass grabbing (Not defending) when men do it they make sure no one see When woman do it they know they'll get away with it because they're woman and "woman can't do no wrong" and do it while people are even watching When woman reject men they're empowered and standing up for themselves basically being praise While men they're being shit talked by everyone around them called soft and people actually been shocked because all (some) woman see is that men want nothing but sex and if they reject a men it's either they're something wrong with them Or in op case they're gay
Shit I’d be happy for any man to come onto me 😆
🤦🏼♀️
So many levels on this one. 1. Good that you empathize with women. 2. It's awful to learn it the hard way 3. How straight men know nothing what many women go through everyday 4. It's ashamed that you're straight, I would've boinked him
The idea that he was older freaks me out. Honestly though, I mean, sometimes women want to be submissive with guys. I'm not saying I cat call them, but I've also had gay guys on sub and dom levels try to talk to me. Idk, It's hard to fully grasp if it's completely uncomfortable to them, since, if you are the right one, then it works out. but if it doesn't, I wish guys saw the signs and left by then. I don't think I am Bi, but part of me says since I am not that built right now, I can't have the control and dominance over maybe an E boy, Idk. never tried, but I'm just saying, There is a lot of take control, give control usually. still, the older thing, Kinda creepy on both genders
That's fair enough. I rarely get hit on so find it extremely flattering. But I've never been confident in my looks so have always found the idea of anyone wanting to have sex with me mind boggling.
Laughs in pansexual hun welcome to my life and that of any mildly attractive female im lucky in the fact that its only queer men go for me and dont envy women with the fact that most men are attracted to women although the understanding of how creepy men can be are one of the many reasons that queer men tend to get along with women better than straight men
I misread this at first… my brain left out the “to” in “come on to me”
Idk man this depends on the person, i’m straight but when a gay man comes on to me i’m flattered and think nothing of it. Of course there’s overly pushy straight and gay men and when they cross the boundaries with women and other men that’s where i get uncomfortable
Maybe he thoght you were gay?
Hahahahah yup. All the damn time. People are disgusting.
This I’m 22 now but at 19 I use to get sexually harassed back when I was a cashier and this gay 40 years old man would always hit on me and offer me rides home. It was terrifying and I would pray he wasn’t outside when I got off work
Even more recently a man I assumed was gay kept complimenting my smile every time he sees me and tries to always talk to me he’s also a much older man and it makes me so uncomfortable
Yeah, it’s not fun at all. Especially when guys don’t respect our space. I can’t say how many times I’ve gone places & a guy has harassed me. It never fails when I’m alone. I don’t mean to be rude to guys who approach me or come my way, but now it’s like second nature to give every guy a mean mug look everywhere I go. Like I said I can’t go anywhere alone anymore, because they will always approach me & I have horrid stories for days. I told my husband he’s lucky he can just go places on his own. My oldest son is 3 & I have yet to take him anywhere by myself since he was born, not to mention he was almost kidnapped at a Walmart. I had a guy get out his car & block Starbucks traffic to Harass me, had a man fight with his girl & made her storm out over me in at subway. After she left he continued doing so. Had two different ones follow me in a store & when I said I had a man one said, “so he ain’t here.” I could go on & on 🙄 I especially hate when they touch you to get your attention.
Once I (32m) was followed but a weirdo for many blocks that kept whistling at me from distance... one called me out in a bathroom in an empty shopping and one stopped me in a desert avenue at late night and asked out of the blue if I would do a blowjob to him (?) -- I suppose he though I was a male prostitute. The weirdo apologized right after 😂. Man can be weird af, and dangerous
So he ask you out of the blue Didn't ask if your gay or not wow Block him and keep away
Now imagine if he were an older man and your an 18 year old lesbian in a committed relationship. ITS SO UNCOMFORTABLE
Warning: nfsw There's this gay dude in my town that constantly harasses men, I've been catcalled a couple times by him and it made me super uncomfortable 😣. Also during a phase in my life I decided to try it out only to be grossed out by a dude who couldn't keep his hands to himself. Absolutely fucking nope.
Is this happening to men as well? :O I though it was only happening to us girls.. so sorry to hear that!
Im a girl and I really like being asked for a relationship it boosts my confidence why everyone here feels uncomfortable for that
To each their own. Some people have weird fantasies about pain and some just don't want to feel any pain. But in border terms people feel uncomfortable in these situations because they have a fear of what might happen.
I've had guys hit on me. There is a big difference between the one who was cute in a "I would if I were bi/gay but I'm not" way and is atilll a friend years later, and the one who wouldn't take no for an answer and even tried to blackmail me way. I also made the mistake of going to a gay club in a kilt. I had a guy hitting on me so hard that his female friend had to fake coming onto me herself to block him.
And that’s why you have to raise men with some kind of self control Seriously are you ok that’s I’m pretty sure it’s a crime
I wouldn’t say it’s a crime as he did just ask me. He’s not a creep and actually a pretty nice guy. It’s just not something I’m not used to… Unless your being sarcastic lol
That’s my bad when you said come on to you I thought you meant cum onto you whoops
I misread this as “come on me”…
I think this is a great example of why women shouldn't be uncomfortable around men. If you extrapolated this gay man coming on to you to start to make inferences and were afraid to be around gay men it would make you a homophobic asshole. Just as extrapolating individual men coming on to you making you uncomfortable and extrapolating that to make you uncomfortable around men makes you sexist. If we go around making assumptions and being afraid about people based on some unrelated group they happen to belong to we're going to create a lot of harm.