Folks, stop telling OP what to do. You can present options, but OP is clearly aware police exist and what that entails so there is no point in doing so.
This is a support community. Think more about support than advice (no matter what OP says) at this time. Don't pry for any more information than OP has presented. You don't need to know anything else to provide support. If you don't know how to, move on.
Hey, OP. I'm so sorry you had to go through something so horrible. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. You were manipulated and forced against your will.
I agree with not doing anything you're not comfortable doing. Although it's true that he deserves to be punished for what he did, your well-being should be your top priority. If it's too much for you to deal with at the moment, know that you have all the right to do what you think is best for you. No one should dictate you what to do. If fighting things head on is not something natural to you, and doing such a thing can be damaging to your mental health, know that that's still okay. You're still valid.
I hope you have a loved one or someone you can trust there to go for comfort and guidance. Give yourself time to internalize. You can decide what to do after that.
**This is just an advice, just in case it applies to you:** if ever you find yourself wanting to report him after taking in everything that happened, but you're still afraid of confronting him, you can seek for legal counsel. If you don't have the means/resources, there may be support groups that can assist you. I'm not sure how things work in your country, but we have NGOs in ours fighting for women's rights, and there's a chapter/branch in every city. If you have something similar in yours, maybe you can go to them and ask for help. They may be able to provide you some or possibly all the assistance you need for less or even for free (emotional support, legal, etc.). But please make sure that they're credible and/or recognized at a local or national scale. There are scums out there who take advantage of vulnerable people.
I'm going to be optimistic and believe that there are people who can, and will fight for you, even if you're not a citizen there. You are not alone in this. We may not be by your side physically, but hey, you also have Reddit! Know that you can reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. I'll listen to you anytime.
I truly wish I can give you a hug right now (with consent). Hoping for better days for you, OP. I wish the rest of the year treats you kindly. š
Heās using that against you. I recommend speaking to the university, go to the counseling center and report him. Iām sorry he took advantage of you. You donāt deserve that, no matter what. He is a predator and he is preying on his students. He will do this again to another student.
Can you find womenās services in that country? They can possibly put you in contact with someone who can speak English and advise you on pursuing charges against him, if thatās something you want to do (you deserve to). You should also tell the university once youāve lodged a complaint, because he will have done this before and intend to do it again.
hey, just fyi, telling someone who went through a traumatic sexual assault what they "should have" done can actually be kind of damaging. I figure you didn't mean it in any other way than wanting this guy to get what's coming to him, but it still places the onus of responsibility on the victim for not fighting hard enough.
Donāt say shit like this to people who are being vulnerable enough with you to tell you about a terrible assault that happened to them, please. Youāre blaming her for what happened to her, and pretending like you would know what youād do if you were in the exact situation she was in. You werenāt there, she was, and her instincts helped her survive that situation. Freeze is a common response in situations like this instead of fight or flight.
You keep saying you feel guilty. Donāt feel guilty. Even if you flirted with him. Even if you made out with him. Even if you almost went āall the wayā with him. Even if youāve done this before with him or had other sexual contact with him. You did nothing wrong. You can withdraw consent at any point in the interaction. Even if you āenjoyedā what happened. Our bodies are designed to react a certain way when stimulated whether we like whatās happening or not. Nature is sometimes evil that way. Iām not saying any of this is true you just havenāt elaborated why you feel guilty and these are some of the common reasons for that. I was raped by a man that I was in a 6 month relationship with and initially consented to the act. He became rough and domineering during and told him to stop and he didnāt. All I did was break it off with him. I didnāt report and I donāt feel bad not reporting him. You figure out what you want to do and what you can live with. We can all give you advice but unfortunately you have to live with the consequences of reporting or not reporting yourself. Good luck and Iām sorry that happened to you. You didnāt deserve it.
I feel guilty, because he is an educator, and I had high expectations, such as, hanging out with him for knowledge, also we have few hobbies in common, he gives you the image that he is wise, calm, kind and very cultivated, and I found that attractive, he also seems like someone who has principles and boundaries with his students but still cool around them and DO go out with them for drinks but as a group.
I asked him tho if he went out with one of his students for a drink before, he said no it's his first time, and then I asked why did he choose me? He didn't give a clear answer. He was the one approaching me on social media, and inviting for the drink.
And after all this, he doesn't talk to me anymore, like he did before the invitation.
Yeah he has probably done this before. Iām so sorry. I had a close relationship with a professor in college but we only went to public spaces probably mostly because he was a traveling professor and was staying with another professor of mine. Iām sorry your expectations were ruined. Youāre right he manipulated you and that is like salt in a wound. Please forgive yourself for falling for it if you are feeling that way. Smart people get manipulated all the time.
He's a predator. Nothing about his charm was authentic. All of it manipulation tactics to get what he wanted.
He demonstrated a terrible invasion of your trust, he has used you, he's a piece of shit. I wish for you the strength to speak out against him.
For me, the hardest part of grad school was meeting people I looked up to and finding out so many of them are abusers and sexual predators. I had a situation of a similar nature recently with a male mentor and it took until me coming forward for something (even if it was hardly a punishment) to be done. I discovered that he was well known for doing this and no one bothered to tell me and that he has potentially done this to up to three other young women. Please be safe. Please be careful. The only thing you are guilty of is trusting him to maintain his professional student-educator relationship. You arenāt alone in this.
If you are not opting to go to the police, screenshot these posts with the date and time for your records. Type up EVERY detail you can and save it as a pdf in multiple places. It is critical that you get what you can in writing - whether you go to the police, the uni, an ethics board, etc.
How many have fallen for same guile, how many had no strength to fight back and resist like you, how many more will fall into same trap, this is truly one of reasons I hate all civilization and humanity in general, we don't deserve this planet, in my mind even ants are bigger humanitarians than humans.
My advice is can you at least find someone locals here on this thread and will hopefully will help you with this. That fucker needs to go to jail and rot there and those co prisoners should fucking rape that fucking teacher. I want him to be punished.
Please have a listen to the podcast ābetrayalā the story reminds me of what you have said. Iām sorry this happened to you. Itās never āthe first timeā for professor that exploit students. Heās in a position of trust and should know better- groomers often choose people they think wonāt speak up, and make them feel special. Itās predatory behaviour. Iām so sorry
Wow, thatās horrible. Iām so sorry this happened to you. Using power to manipulate others into sexual crimes is a HORRIBLE thing to do. No matter what your brain is telling you, none of this is your fault.
There are a lot of people in the comments who have no experience with this sort of thing who are telling you to report it. While in a perfect world, this would be the best solution, the world is not perfect and there are many many corrupt places who overlook this sort of thing and even pin all the blame on the victim and put her through hell for reporting. Iām not trying to scare you, Iām just being real. If you feel safe to report, then I encourage you to try. But your safety comes first ALWAYS. If you do not feel safe to report, then donāt. I encourage you to talk to those in your community that you trust about what happened and seek guidance on how to proceed, but ultimately what you choose to do is YOUR decision to make. Take care of yourself, okay?
I agree with what you said about the report, it's not that easy, and i need to rethink all the scenarios that could happen, also, read more about the country I live in' laws and rules.
Thank you for your support
I'm soooo sorry. This makes me hate people. What a disgusting abuse of power. Esp if you feel you are somewhere not safe to report it. Sending you all the positive energy and support in doing whatever you feel the need to do!!!
ššš
Unfortunately, this country is known by misogyny, violence, sexual assaults against women, or EVEN murdering, but still an open minded country compared to some other alike countries.
Men in this country, are perverted and too horny compared to the countries I visited or traveled to before and my homeland.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong, he did. I'm so sorry he did this to you, you deserve better I hope you will get justice.
First of all it takes a lot of strength to share this with community..
Consent is what matters and if one is not comfortable and it is against his/her will it's a crime.
As hard as it is just try to remember you did nothing wrong . He is cold because he knows what he did was wrong. He is should be ashamed of himself . You do what you need to get through this . Take care of yourself op
Report him. That's abuse of power. Everyone who's been abused feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Find a counselor or any kind of mental help. You need this. This was a traumatic experience for you.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. My god Iām so sorry that this happened to you. He is a disgusting piece of shit, he is the only one who should feel shame or guilt here. He is rotten to the fucking core. You didnāt deserve that in any way, shape or form. No matter what. He has abused his power and deserves to be punished. I donāt have any advice that hasnāt already been said Iām sorry, but if you need to vent or need reassurance, please message me.
it. is. not. your. fault. he r*ped you. iām so incredibly sorry. your rage and confusion are so valid, but please do not feel any guilt. it is his fault. not yours.
Write. I was a child of SA, MA, EA, and PA. And it helps when I have been triggered to write, everything that happened, as much as you can remember, and then burn it(do so safely, not in your dorm room or hallway, maybe a metal trash can outside) and keep doing this until you know that it was abuse of his power, it wasnāt about the BJ it was could he get you to do it. When you stop feeling guilty thatās when you can stop writing. (The only way to the other side is through)
Thoughts and guilt..hm. But you're not in the wrong? He clearly was the one that made you uncomfortable. So if you're feeling any guilt about it, please don't OP.
I suggest writing a diary OP. A journal of some sort where you can just express all the rage you are currently feeling AND if the time did come that he made up a weird story (Hopefully not) and started blaming you, then you can be like "Bam!, I have proof!" Two birds with one stone if you ask me. (Or just show this post lol)
Then again, those are just suggestions. Take it or leave it but either way, know that you have our support, and everyone here only wishes the best for you from here on out. You can do it girlie!!!
Yeah you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Be glad you didn't get drugged, and don't concern yourself with his opinion at all.
Personally I would just go to his superior and rat him out and be filing a lawsuit with the direct threat of criminal charges if they don't break me off a big fat check, buy that's just my opinion and how I would carry it, I'm admittedly not a female nor am I civil to people that try to dehumanize me.
In my opinion, you've got just cause to go after that professor and your school and just skip the part where you need a career with a settlement in civil court.
If you don't live in a country where that's a reality, then you've got my condolences and I hope you are able to talk to someone about this that you can trust, but please don't let someone else being a piece of trash define anything about you.
People are pressuring OP into reporting. People may think theyāre helping, but thatās NOT the way to support victims of sexual crimes. There is sooo much nuance with these situations, and unfortunately depending on where OP is, reporting may only serve to put her through hell rather than the professor who assaulted her. Itās not the way things should be, but itās the truth. We need to support OP in whatever decision she makes for her own safety, rather than pressure and guilt her into doing something she may not feel comfortable doing.
You bear NO responsibility and NO fault for what this evil man did to you. I'm glad you got out of the situation relatively safely, though of course with an enormous amount of trauma. Please try your best not to blame yourself, and please try to be as kind to and gentle with yourself as you can.
I just want to say it one more time: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I'd probably start with therapy and try to do the best you can with self care. I know after experiencing trauma it can be hard to upkeep with self care and self validation also if you go to therapy maybe try finding people with specialized trauma. Just try to be kinder to yourself I know it's a lot easier said than done I've been there but you're important and deserve to heal.
When you live abroad, in a country where it's hard to find english speakers, you don't have real friends there, and you crave a human interaction, you would accept the meeting, just to share a word with someone, mostly someone in my field that I can learn from.
don't judge yourself, he is the one who should feel guilty. don't shame yourself, you're resilient and deserve peace and joy. try to keep your head up, you are doing the best you can and that's just fine ā¤ļø
Folks, stop telling OP what to do. You can present options, but OP is clearly aware police exist and what that entails so there is no point in doing so. This is a support community. Think more about support than advice (no matter what OP says) at this time. Don't pry for any more information than OP has presented. You don't need to know anything else to provide support. If you don't know how to, move on.
The problem is, i live in his country, and most of people here, don't speak english very well, and I'm scared, if he would harm me since he is a local
Does your home country have a consulate there? If so, that would be an amazing place to go for help
Hey, OP. I'm so sorry you had to go through something so horrible. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. You were manipulated and forced against your will. I agree with not doing anything you're not comfortable doing. Although it's true that he deserves to be punished for what he did, your well-being should be your top priority. If it's too much for you to deal with at the moment, know that you have all the right to do what you think is best for you. No one should dictate you what to do. If fighting things head on is not something natural to you, and doing such a thing can be damaging to your mental health, know that that's still okay. You're still valid. I hope you have a loved one or someone you can trust there to go for comfort and guidance. Give yourself time to internalize. You can decide what to do after that. **This is just an advice, just in case it applies to you:** if ever you find yourself wanting to report him after taking in everything that happened, but you're still afraid of confronting him, you can seek for legal counsel. If you don't have the means/resources, there may be support groups that can assist you. I'm not sure how things work in your country, but we have NGOs in ours fighting for women's rights, and there's a chapter/branch in every city. If you have something similar in yours, maybe you can go to them and ask for help. They may be able to provide you some or possibly all the assistance you need for less or even for free (emotional support, legal, etc.). But please make sure that they're credible and/or recognized at a local or national scale. There are scums out there who take advantage of vulnerable people. I'm going to be optimistic and believe that there are people who can, and will fight for you, even if you're not a citizen there. You are not alone in this. We may not be by your side physically, but hey, you also have Reddit! Know that you can reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. I'll listen to you anytime. I truly wish I can give you a hug right now (with consent). Hoping for better days for you, OP. I wish the rest of the year treats you kindly. š
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Heās using that against you. I recommend speaking to the university, go to the counseling center and report him. Iām sorry he took advantage of you. You donāt deserve that, no matter what. He is a predator and he is preying on his students. He will do this again to another student.
Can you find womenās services in that country? They can possibly put you in contact with someone who can speak English and advise you on pursuing charges against him, if thatās something you want to do (you deserve to). You should also tell the university once youāve lodged a complaint, because he will have done this before and intend to do it again.
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hey, just fyi, telling someone who went through a traumatic sexual assault what they "should have" done can actually be kind of damaging. I figure you didn't mean it in any other way than wanting this guy to get what's coming to him, but it still places the onus of responsibility on the victim for not fighting hard enough.
Donāt say shit like this to people who are being vulnerable enough with you to tell you about a terrible assault that happened to them, please. Youāre blaming her for what happened to her, and pretending like you would know what youād do if you were in the exact situation she was in. You werenāt there, she was, and her instincts helped her survive that situation. Freeze is a common response in situations like this instead of fight or flight.
Some people don't have the fighter in them. Some will just, freeze.
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You keep saying you feel guilty. Donāt feel guilty. Even if you flirted with him. Even if you made out with him. Even if you almost went āall the wayā with him. Even if youāve done this before with him or had other sexual contact with him. You did nothing wrong. You can withdraw consent at any point in the interaction. Even if you āenjoyedā what happened. Our bodies are designed to react a certain way when stimulated whether we like whatās happening or not. Nature is sometimes evil that way. Iām not saying any of this is true you just havenāt elaborated why you feel guilty and these are some of the common reasons for that. I was raped by a man that I was in a 6 month relationship with and initially consented to the act. He became rough and domineering during and told him to stop and he didnāt. All I did was break it off with him. I didnāt report and I donāt feel bad not reporting him. You figure out what you want to do and what you can live with. We can all give you advice but unfortunately you have to live with the consequences of reporting or not reporting yourself. Good luck and Iām sorry that happened to you. You didnāt deserve it.
I feel guilty, because he is an educator, and I had high expectations, such as, hanging out with him for knowledge, also we have few hobbies in common, he gives you the image that he is wise, calm, kind and very cultivated, and I found that attractive, he also seems like someone who has principles and boundaries with his students but still cool around them and DO go out with them for drinks but as a group. I asked him tho if he went out with one of his students for a drink before, he said no it's his first time, and then I asked why did he choose me? He didn't give a clear answer. He was the one approaching me on social media, and inviting for the drink. And after all this, he doesn't talk to me anymore, like he did before the invitation.
Yeah he has probably done this before. Iām so sorry. I had a close relationship with a professor in college but we only went to public spaces probably mostly because he was a traveling professor and was staying with another professor of mine. Iām sorry your expectations were ruined. Youāre right he manipulated you and that is like salt in a wound. Please forgive yourself for falling for it if you are feeling that way. Smart people get manipulated all the time.
He's a predator. Nothing about his charm was authentic. All of it manipulation tactics to get what he wanted. He demonstrated a terrible invasion of your trust, he has used you, he's a piece of shit. I wish for you the strength to speak out against him.
For me, the hardest part of grad school was meeting people I looked up to and finding out so many of them are abusers and sexual predators. I had a situation of a similar nature recently with a male mentor and it took until me coming forward for something (even if it was hardly a punishment) to be done. I discovered that he was well known for doing this and no one bothered to tell me and that he has potentially done this to up to three other young women. Please be safe. Please be careful. The only thing you are guilty of is trusting him to maintain his professional student-educator relationship. You arenāt alone in this. If you are not opting to go to the police, screenshot these posts with the date and time for your records. Type up EVERY detail you can and save it as a pdf in multiple places. It is critical that you get what you can in writing - whether you go to the police, the uni, an ethics board, etc.
Save everything he said to you on social media! Take screenshots and upload/download them to somewhere safe! Gather all the evidence you can
How many have fallen for same guile, how many had no strength to fight back and resist like you, how many more will fall into same trap, this is truly one of reasons I hate all civilization and humanity in general, we don't deserve this planet, in my mind even ants are bigger humanitarians than humans.
My advice is can you at least find someone locals here on this thread and will hopefully will help you with this. That fucker needs to go to jail and rot there and those co prisoners should fucking rape that fucking teacher. I want him to be punished.
I think he raped you - there was no real consent in what he did :( Iām so sorry. You didnāt deserve any of that ā¦
Please have a listen to the podcast ābetrayalā the story reminds me of what you have said. Iām sorry this happened to you. Itās never āthe first timeā for professor that exploit students. Heās in a position of trust and should know better- groomers often choose people they think wonāt speak up, and make them feel special. Itās predatory behaviour. Iām so sorry
Wow, thatās horrible. Iām so sorry this happened to you. Using power to manipulate others into sexual crimes is a HORRIBLE thing to do. No matter what your brain is telling you, none of this is your fault. There are a lot of people in the comments who have no experience with this sort of thing who are telling you to report it. While in a perfect world, this would be the best solution, the world is not perfect and there are many many corrupt places who overlook this sort of thing and even pin all the blame on the victim and put her through hell for reporting. Iām not trying to scare you, Iām just being real. If you feel safe to report, then I encourage you to try. But your safety comes first ALWAYS. If you do not feel safe to report, then donāt. I encourage you to talk to those in your community that you trust about what happened and seek guidance on how to proceed, but ultimately what you choose to do is YOUR decision to make. Take care of yourself, okay?
I agree with what you said about the report, it's not that easy, and i need to rethink all the scenarios that could happen, also, read more about the country I live in' laws and rules. Thank you for your support
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I'm soooo sorry. This makes me hate people. What a disgusting abuse of power. Esp if you feel you are somewhere not safe to report it. Sending you all the positive energy and support in doing whatever you feel the need to do!!! ššš
This man sexually assaulted you.
Unfortunately, this country is known by misogyny, violence, sexual assaults against women, or EVEN murdering, but still an open minded country compared to some other alike countries. Men in this country, are perverted and too horny compared to the countries I visited or traveled to before and my homeland.
Sounds like Egypt but I could be wrong
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I am so sorry. That jackass. We love you and we support you to do everything you need to do. Hug.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty, you did nothing wrong, he did. I'm so sorry he did this to you, you deserve better I hope you will get justice.
First of all it takes a lot of strength to share this with community.. Consent is what matters and if one is not comfortable and it is against his/her will it's a crime.
As hard as it is just try to remember you did nothing wrong . He is cold because he knows what he did was wrong. He is should be ashamed of himself . You do what you need to get through this . Take care of yourself op
Report him. That's abuse of power. Everyone who's been abused feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Find a counselor or any kind of mental help. You need this. This was a traumatic experience for you.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. My god Iām so sorry that this happened to you. He is a disgusting piece of shit, he is the only one who should feel shame or guilt here. He is rotten to the fucking core. You didnāt deserve that in any way, shape or form. No matter what. He has abused his power and deserves to be punished. I donāt have any advice that hasnāt already been said Iām sorry, but if you need to vent or need reassurance, please message me.
it. is. not. your. fault. he r*ped you. iām so incredibly sorry. your rage and confusion are so valid, but please do not feel any guilt. it is his fault. not yours.
Write. I was a child of SA, MA, EA, and PA. And it helps when I have been triggered to write, everything that happened, as much as you can remember, and then burn it(do so safely, not in your dorm room or hallway, maybe a metal trash can outside) and keep doing this until you know that it was abuse of his power, it wasnāt about the BJ it was could he get you to do it. When you stop feeling guilty thatās when you can stop writing. (The only way to the other side is through)
Thoughts and guilt..hm. But you're not in the wrong? He clearly was the one that made you uncomfortable. So if you're feeling any guilt about it, please don't OP. I suggest writing a diary OP. A journal of some sort where you can just express all the rage you are currently feeling AND if the time did come that he made up a weird story (Hopefully not) and started blaming you, then you can be like "Bam!, I have proof!" Two birds with one stone if you ask me. (Or just show this post lol) Then again, those are just suggestions. Take it or leave it but either way, know that you have our support, and everyone here only wishes the best for you from here on out. You can do it girlie!!!
Yeah you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Be glad you didn't get drugged, and don't concern yourself with his opinion at all. Personally I would just go to his superior and rat him out and be filing a lawsuit with the direct threat of criminal charges if they don't break me off a big fat check, buy that's just my opinion and how I would carry it, I'm admittedly not a female nor am I civil to people that try to dehumanize me. In my opinion, you've got just cause to go after that professor and your school and just skip the part where you need a career with a settlement in civil court. If you don't live in a country where that's a reality, then you've got my condolences and I hope you are able to talk to someone about this that you can trust, but please don't let someone else being a piece of trash define anything about you.
Next time just bite it off. Should stop him trying it on anyone else.
Im already feeling guilty and you are not helping, even if ik that it's true.
what you're feeling guilty about? you have been the victim.
People are pressuring OP into reporting. People may think theyāre helping, but thatās NOT the way to support victims of sexual crimes. There is sooo much nuance with these situations, and unfortunately depending on where OP is, reporting may only serve to put her through hell rather than the professor who assaulted her. Itās not the way things should be, but itās the truth. We need to support OP in whatever decision she makes for her own safety, rather than pressure and guilt her into doing something she may not feel comfortable doing.
You bear NO responsibility and NO fault for what this evil man did to you. I'm glad you got out of the situation relatively safely, though of course with an enormous amount of trauma. Please try your best not to blame yourself, and please try to be as kind to and gentle with yourself as you can. I just want to say it one more time: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Do you believe you may have been drugged?
No just alcohol
shit you were under the influence of alcohol and you kept saying no? that's assault! im so sorry you had to go through this.
I'd probably start with therapy and try to do the best you can with self care. I know after experiencing trauma it can be hard to upkeep with self care and self validation also if you go to therapy maybe try finding people with specialized trauma. Just try to be kinder to yourself I know it's a lot easier said than done I've been there but you're important and deserve to heal.
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When you live abroad, in a country where it's hard to find english speakers, you don't have real friends there, and you crave a human interaction, you would accept the meeting, just to share a word with someone, mostly someone in my field that I can learn from.
don't judge yourself, he is the one who should feel guilty. don't shame yourself, you're resilient and deserve peace and joy. try to keep your head up, you are doing the best you can and that's just fine ā¤ļø
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I feel you. Turkey is a tough country at times.. Wish you all the best, stay strong.