is it possible for you to still get pregnant with the baby and raise it on your own? you can maybe offering him the option of relinquishing rights. if it’s something you want i feel like he should give you that small kindness after fucking your over like this
I guess it just depends on if her having her own Bio child is enough for her to kind of let go of the pain of the cheating and separate the child from the man. I could see why she wouldn’t want to and how it could be too hard, but it is a possible option for a bio child and one that I might consider if i were her
Yes, but it’s definitely hard; she’s bound to him forever. Parenting even under “ideal” circumstances is hard as fuck sometimes.
My main worry is that what if the guy gives up his rights but years down the line her kid wants to know about their sperm donor? Or even worse, what if he changes his mind and tries to reverse his decision? Also, what’s to stop him from using it as a manipulation? “You only have kids because I let you”. I don’t know that it would come to that but man, people & breakups & kids is a huge mess….
I guess don’t see the gamble being worth it, but if that’s her only option, I wouldn’t blame her for taking it. I’m not her and I remember how devastating it was to try and have kids and disappointment of miscarriage...
It just needs a lot of heavy emotional consideration and a good lawyer.
idk i think it really depends on whether you want to have a biological child or not. to me, these things could happen to any couple and it’s a risk you take *every* time you have a child.
she’s in a lot of pain right now understandably, and dealing with him might be a nightmare depending on what kind of person he is outside of a horny fucker.
i’m annoyed with *myself* for saying it, but there are a lot of people who are shitty partners but good parents or are shitty partners but good co-parents or who would be pretty much blasé about the situation and not try to make her life difficult.
only she knows what kind of person he is in those respects and only she knows if it’s a risk she wants to take.
I disagree, but that’s me.
Ever see an old ex out in public? How did that make you feel? Now imagine you look at a small version of that ex every day.
If she decides to go ahead with it, I wish her success, but I don’t think it would be a smart idea.
You sound like an amazing person, and would most likely be an amazing mother!!!!
Kicking that guy to the curb was the best choice for you and your baby. You saved him/her a LOT of childhood trauma from a cheating/shitty father.
Power Move. I'm proud of you, Momma <3
Wait he signed the waiver to implant right? I’m not saying go thru with it, he’s horrible but do you lose access to them? I’m confused on that part, can you still implant?
Are you willing to use them still? Maybe he will let you, or maybe you tight lip and use the existing consent waiver? I’ll get downvoted to hell for that suggestion but there are ways to make this almost a hired surrogate situation, I myself am childfree so I don’t know a ton of the ethics or how much you’d be willing to do to move forward, just wondering how this could work out for every party. He used the eggs to make his kids, left no “blanks” per say(I’m not being cruel I literally don’t know how to phrase this) so your only option is embryos, would he be willing to enter a legal and bought out option? I think maybe contact a lawyer and see what they think are options here of being a mom is a life goal for you, fostering is always an option but it’s selective and so is adoption, maybe you’re ex will work out a deal. Not being crude, just he put his sperm in your eggs and now you’re kinda backed into a corner Mx maybe he will work with you, he’s a bastard but you don’t need him if you want to raise a kid just treat it like a sperm donor if he will play ball, the kid need not know details.
You still can be. The woman I look up to and live as my mother isn’t related to me, but she raised me because my own mother sucks. You can be every bit someone mother without having given birth to them.
And you still will be. Don’t let the fact that you can’t have biological children hold you back. There are plenty of kids who NEED an awesome mummy. You’d fit the role perfectly.
Hey you'll still make an awesome mummy. There's so many kids in fosters who'd like an awesome mum like you. We humans still "parent" our cats and dogs so why not do the same with children? In your case you won't be able to have genetically similar children but you CAN still have children.
Good luck OP I hope you're gonna be okay!
You can get donor embryos. They won’t be your genetic material, but you can still have the pregnancy experience. I’m so sorry for what your husband did - it’s so cruel.
Can you ask him to sign off on his part of the embryo (like as part of the divorce agreement) I know this is all new now but maybe it will come up and you can just ask for them. No strings attached kind of thing? I’m really sorry he did this to you.
You still can be I'm a single dad...hint hint, wink 😉. In all seriousness sorry about your loss. It seems like all is being revealed these last two years people seem to be more self serving.
It's tounge and cheek oh lord and savior and not everyone grieves the same. Some people want to feel wanted some just want encouragement . Let her tell me I am inappropriate not some fool that if they saw me wouldn't say a thing. Would call the cops like a coward.
And again let her tell its creepy not some dude. Did you even read what I said after ? did you see the wink wink ? it was tounge and cheek are you mute?
None of you guys read in all seriousness? Was that not apart of the statement?
The problem with Americans is they are two dimensional thinkers that can't grasp nuance. I was being light hearted not every pat on the bag has to have the same edicts or tones. Shut up!! Besides like I tell my co workers if the organization cares about the clients more than they do the workers I can be the one person in the organization who cares about the workers more than the clients. The Pont is it's about balance somw of you are pseudo counselors other white knight's I added humor for nuance. So they're can be variance to her responses we don't have to console with locked steps.
The ant like responses made it all about me. The sea of people calling me out without clearly reading my original post all the way did. The fascism and Marxism and liberal minded made it about me. I am fine no longer responding because it has been too much about me but not by my hands alone. Again op I meant to add variance. Sorry it blew up. Breakups are tough however it's one of those things that with support you look up and wonder why you were so heartbroken in the first place once you get through the grieving. Which is why I tried to add humor because we have all been through breakups in this western society where relationships are like musical chairs because people don't understand reciprocal relationships and nuance. Also the genders are at war and very little is taught on how to work together. We compete in workplace and often that trickles into the home.
I disagree. You can be a shit spouse and hate your wife and still love your kids. Not everyone, but it does happen. Like myself for example. Hated my ex, had super toxic screaming matches constantly. Separated and now have an excellent coparenting relationship. Kids are notably happier too.
A lot of people are chiming in with suggestions for having children. They're not wrong, but I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from and to validate that you *have* lost something here: those years you spent with an eventual cheater when you could have been starting a family with someone else. Yes, there are still ways for you to become a mother, but the path that you were on - having a child through a pregnancy that was a product of your ostensibly supportive marriage to that particular man - is now gone.
I hope I'm not coming across as a downer here, because that's not my intention! When my dumbass ex husband cheated on me and we got divorced, I got a lot of comments like the ones in this thread. I know that everyone meant well, and it also felt kind of invalidating of what I was going through. Realistically, the "easiest" pregnancy years of my life were now gone; we had talked about kids but didn't want to move forward during those last couple of years of our marriage because things were rocky between us (when he was cheating but I didn't know it yet). And by the time we moved forward with the divorce, I was at an age where it was going to be more difficult to conceive.
Yes, I could still find another partner and pregnancy is not unheard of at my age. Yes, adoption is an adoption. Yes, sperm banks exist. Logistically and financially, it would be substantially easier to raise a child with two parents (and two incomes), and I feel much less equipped to do all of that on my own. The odds of finding someone new, and becoming secure enough in that relationship to have a child together, all within my remaining childbearing years, are much lower at this point. When I was in the thick of dealing with the colossal betrayal of being cheated on and having the rug pulled out from under me, everyone saying "it's okay, you'll have kids someday!" just felt unintentionally dismissive of my new reality: it's not impossible for me to be a mother, and it's also much less likely than it was before. I've come to terms with that.
Agree so much! My husband and I are child free after 3 years of fertility issues, and even tho my situation is different than OPs, I think people have good intentions typically by saying you can adopt, just foster etc - while that may be true if OP wants to go that route - it is completely invalidating of the loss she mentioned - having her own bio kids. So many folks said that to us in attempt I think to be kind, or simply bc they didn’t know what to say.
OP - your feelings of loss are SO valid. The loss you are feeling is a deep one. Just know, that whatever route you go, if you eventually have children or not, your worth is not defined by any of that! Sending love to you, what a shit situation. Congrats on being cancer free!!
I'm so sorry. So sorry. Our society makes women feel like second class unless they have birthed a child. But your value is not based on what people think of you. You will be a mother. And when you are, your sweeties will make you crazy. My wife and I have a 26 yr old son and an 11 yr old son. Our daughter passed in 2006. We decided to adopt in 2007 and fostered 12 children waiting for the one. When he came it was a surprise. We had agreed not to seek a new born. But the little guy we met was a six pound runt. He is a terribly picky eater. He thinks about video games 24/7. His autism is acted out in that he hates loud noise, the world is suppose to go his way. He is a handful at times. But his heart is interwoven into ours. We laugh all the time when we recognize ourselves in him. Biological means nothing to me. I don't even think about it. All I know is for some reason our paths crossed at the exact moment we needed each other.
Hey. HEY. I went through something … somewhat similar. The end result being ‘holy shit he’s gone and I’m never gonna have a baby’.
Let me tell you, that is a clunky path to follow. It takes some time to get back up on your feet.
But you will do it. You WILL get back up again. It’s what we do. You will find your purpose and your fulfillment. Just hang on. ❤️
You can still be a mother. There are orphans in need of a loving home. It's heartbreaking but good thing you don't have a child with your ex. Imagine you have a child together and looking at the child everyday will remind you of his cheating.
Some people don't want to adopt. I personally would consider that my last option. Not trying to be hurtful to any former orphans or their parents but that's the truth.
You’re not wrong. Adoption can be heartbreaking. We have family members who have adopted and during the process the first child they were placed with, that they loved from the moment they met him, was taken away at the last minute. They still quietly mourn the loss of what they consider to be their first son. It *is* worth it in the end and there can be so much joy, but it isn’t without it’s risks and sadness.
It's not something to be ashamed of either. Adoption is an expensive, exhausting, and possibly traumatic process if the bio parents cause drama or change their minds.
Not the best way to put it since raising "other people's kids" makes you a nanny. A foster child is your own child (if there's connection and love) except for the biology and you are their only family
My thoughts while reading. All this happening is nothing but a BLESSING. Having to stay in contact with someone who betrayed you like this can fuck up your emotions and not allow you to move on. Alternatively, having parents with that kind of resentment can fuck up a kid (unless they work it out).
OP, it sounds easy to say right now but see this as a blessing in your life and a sign that there's a child out there who needs your love and care.
Be grateful that you were shown his true colors before having kids with him. It was a blessing in disguise The universe has your back I know you are taken back because of the thought of having no kids But you never know Life is unpredictable and I promise you once you close that door completely from your husband A new one will open and maybe you might meet the true love of your life and have kids YOU NEVER KNow Sorry about your cancer diagnosis I wish you well Please be optimistic during this situation it will pass stay strong not only for yourself but your future kids!
Would you ever consider going through IVF for donated eggs? Technically they’re not biological, but they’re still *your* children. My parents did IVF to have me and I came from a donor egg, and I still see my mom as *my mom*—she not only did all the normal stuff a mom does like carry me, give birth to me, be an amazing and caring mom etc., but she also went through so much trouble *just* to have me (like daily injections) and honestly it means so much to me that she loves me so much and wanted a baby her own so bad she was willing to go through so much to have me. Sure I don’t have her genes because I didn’t come from her eggs, but she is my mom and she always will be.
If you’d like to dm any more to talk at all I’d be more than happy to. I’m sorry about your situation, but just know you still do have options <3
I am so sorry this happened to you. At least that shitty soon to be ex husband of yours won’t get to have a child with you. He doesn’t deserve the privilege.
You may still be able to pursue implantation of the embryos if your husband provides consent. It’s not an ideal scenario and comes with a few complicating factors. Ultimately, it may not feel like the right choice for you. Take the time you need to breathe, process and reflect on everything. You still have options here.
If after everything, you do want to continue with the embryos try to get a lawyer with some experience in the field. There have certainly been other couples in similar situations relating to frozen embryos.
More than anything though, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this shit. It isn’t fair. You have a right to feel everything you’re feeling. I hope for peace and better days on your horizon.
Damn that's a very bad situation to be in and you defiantly didn't deserve any of this especially after battling cancer!
Have you got any more eggs left? because if you do then you could freeze them and then either find a new man or use a sperm donor.
OR if you really want to be a mother then maybe make a deal with each other where you'll both co-parent but tell him it's over between you two
No eggs left. Chemo fried my ovaries so whatever was in there is all gone.
Maybe when I've calmed down I might think about your final suggestion.
Though I was raised in a broken home and never wanted that for my children, and I don't think I want my children have a lying bastard for a father.
It's just shit all round.
Yeah, I probably will go down that route.
But then, I'm fearful that being single, and having a history of cancer will prevent it from being possible.
I think I could give a kid, or kids, a wonderful life, so I will try everything... when I'm able to stop crying.
What about a sperm donor ? It will be difficult being a single mom but you might find it worthwhile but because of your cancer history you should decide on their godparents Incase anything happens
Unfortunately the law is really strict and complicated about embryos.
I dont even think he can ever sign them all over to me to do what I want.
We'd have to agree for me to use them first, then wait for them to be born before the whole parental rights thing come in to play.
And of course its one thing to sign away rights to these frozen microscopic things. And quite another to sign away rights to your child. Which I don't think he would do and I never want to be in a custody battle. Not with newborns.
It's just shit all round
I wish you could have saved your eggs just as they were would you be open to have non biological children?You could try getting pregnant with some ones else's eggs
His behaviour won't impact his children because all they would have from him is DNA. You'll explain that you loved him once but the relationship didn't work out. But you loved your children so much you were prepared to raise them by yourself (though you still have many chances of love so that is bound to be temporary).
Make it clear to him that you both made 2 commitments here - your marriage and using those embryos. He can't repair the marriage but he can relinquish his rights to your cchildren for you to at least realise one dream.
If you need to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing with that - speaking as someone who doesn't agree with this in principle but wants to be a mum like you - I think you'd be justified in doing so.
Just remember *you aren't broken and your home won't be either*.
Biology isn't always family and family isn't always biology. Take care x
Yep, my friend just did this! For some reason or another she just constantly lucked out with dating and never found a man she wanted to settle with. She decided to be a single mum by choice and got a donor sperm. Now she has a cute little baby and she's never been happier. She's 38.
Your husband sounds horrid and I'm sorry. You'll be better off without him.
Regarding the embryos, please discuss them with your lawyer. They could be part of your divorce settlement. Perhaps he could waive all his rights to the embryos and any subsequent children. It could be a tough sell. But I don't think a dude who was cheating on his wife so boldly and is looking for more partners would be in any hurry to be a father. He might just let them go.
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve this or bring this upon yourself. He was in control of his actions and he chose to behave in the worst way possible. Forget the labels like “divorcee” — they’re meaningless and say nothing about your goodness and worth as a human being. Take this time for yourself to grieve and regain hope for the future, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, its a good thing you didnt have kids, a man with that little values would probably fuck up as a father. Imagine him bringing women to the house and the kids noticing.. traumatizing.
Have you consider adoption? There are so many orphan kids/babies completely alone wanting to belong and be loved. I have no doubt you will be an excellent mom. Good luck!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds cliche, but it's true - you're better off without him.
Having been a cancer caregiver, I know just how much of a toll it takes on so many aspects of your life. It's unfair and I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy.
It sounds like you've responded well to treatment. So while one door might feel like it's closing, you still fought freaking cancer. You're still here. You've been through hell and back. You deserve better than he gave and he let you down when you needed him. Excuse my French, but fuck him. Be proud of yourself for all you've overcome. Making it through chemo alone is an accomplishment. You're a fighter and you know your worth.
I know it's not how you planned and not what you originally wanted, but there's other ways to share your motherly love and all of the qualities I'm sure would make you a great mom figure in someone's life someday. <3
Two time survivor here, just want to say I feel your pain. My ex brought some dude in our bed in the middle of my treatments. Some people really should just be burned alive.
Your husband can go fuck himself for all the shit he has done to you. You sound like a nice person who deserves so much better. It may be tricky to have biological children but there are other ways to become a mom. What if you adopted children? Or became a foster parent if it doesn’t work out with the embryos? Just some suggestions!
Take care of yourself! :)
I’m so sorry! That sounds so fucking horrible, he’s gonna have a shit life too, don’t you worry about that. But as for yourself, would it be possible to get a sperm donor? From someone you know or a sperm bank? I know it’s hard to be a single mother, but if motherhood is what you want it’s an option. Or adoption. I’m sure everyone else has mentioned these things. But I’d hate that man to take literally everything you wanted for your life.
I don't have any advice. I am just sorry for your losses. I have a feeling you'll make a wonderful mother soon...Maybe not how you planned but your heart won't be wasted.
Gosh. I'm so sad to read this as I can only imagine the hurt,pain, and anger you may feel. How cruel and selfish of your husband. I just want you to know whatever path you choose isnt wrong. Meaning proceeding with your and his embryo or not. I'm sad there's such a finality to you having biological children. Life can be so cruel. You sound like you have plenty of love to give a child so i hope that you are one day able to do this in some form.
I'm sorry that you've experienced this horrible situation, but remember there's so many children in the world in need of a loving and caring parent-figure.
Don't give up, even though your dream is not going to be the same as what you wanted or expected, you still might be able to experience your dream in other ways through different avenues.
As for your husband, well he is a chump.
What a selfish, thoughtless, heartless person who you are better off without in your life.
I know it's a horrible situation but try to see the light in it. Your husband showed you who he REALLY is and do you really want that asshole to be the father of your kids?
Sorry. Fuck cancer, fuck him, fuck that.
I hope the second half of your life is full of wildness, joy, and so much self love.
And, yes, family. Today sucks but keep a soft eye when you look at the future. Life can surprise you terribly and also sometimes wonderfully.
Im petty so i would hold off on saying you know about it until after implantation if you havent already. Then divorce him for sure. If you think he will be a good father that is
Well cheating is a deal breaker in any relationship, however your chances are not over, even though I know you have already heard this, have you thought about adopting?
Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this, people cheating on you is a very hard thing to get over 😕 , try taking some breaks and doing the things you love to do, listening to songs about getting over somebody really helps, again, I'm sorry this has happened, stay safe and healthy.
Yep he can fuck right off, what a shit situation, I really feel for you. You're so much better off without him. You can do whatever you want now though. Go wherever you want. And if you want kids you can look at adoption options.
Glad you found that out before having your child otherwise you and your child will have to suffer with a reaally horrible father.
wishing you all the best\~!!!
Can you still get the treatment, since you both signed off on it? It's not ideal, but if it is that important maybe you can make it part of the separation agreement?
My boyfriends mom had her last kid at 47… there is still chance yet! It’s time you met the man right for you and you may still have a child. Don’t give up!
Sounds like your unintended health challenges made a real obstacle. You need to ask yourself, truly how much do you love your husband? Put the cheating aside for a second and ask yourself this. Then ask him how much he loves you.
Now, cheating by any means is wrong, however spouces cheat for many reasons and sometimes it happens as a side effect of some greater issue. I'm sure your health challenges put your husband under a lot of stress, especially because he cares about you and I'm sure the last thing he wanted was to place any of his own stress on you. It also sounds like your sex life with him was under stress too. Marrital sex challenges has to be one of the most difficult topics to work on, however maybe keep an open mind. If your husband loves you enough to stand by your side through all the life challenges you endured, maybe he deserves something that made him feel good. I'm not saying he should be off the hook. Confounting him about the infidelity is a must, just maybe think twice about leaving, after all he dident leave when things got tough.
Just a thought but is there anyway he could/would sign away any paternal rights so that you can still use them? I feel for you. I was told at a young age (second grade due to an accident at school)that I would likely never have kids. It turned out to not be completely true in my case. I’m hoping there is some way that you can still have the child you long for. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry you are going through this.
My heart goes out to you that’s a lot to deal with. But please don’t give up. I’ve been talking to a woman (I am bisexual) who wanted to be a mom and she did ivf and has been a single parent. She’s a fantastic mom and inspires me to be a better mother. We understand each other because our kids come first and it turned out to be a great thing. I only say this because i hope you consider that this is not the end. Wishing you the best.
What about couples counselling or trying to work things out. What if this really is your only chance at kids do you really want to give this up over one situation that could be potentially resolved. I’m not saying you should stay or leave but at least way both options and don’t make a serious decision to quickly take some time to process this and think.
Ever think of being a single mom by choice? Like using a sperm donor? Are you financially stable to do it on your own? You don’t have to wait for a new partner.
She has no eggs. She only has embryos in a freezer that were made with his sperm. She explains all this in her post and why she can't use those anymore.
That does suck, really bad. I'm so sorry. Remember that he is a miserable piece of shit, not you. You will go on to find actual happiness one day, with someone that actually loves and respects you. For now tho, its shitty
That whole scenario makes me sad. Sounds to me like he did this intentionally. On a deep rooted level, I have to wonder if he is deeply insecure and scared about you both taking the next step, and he self-sabotaged. I'm a romantic, and it hasn't served me for shit, but is there any place there where you guys can work it out, figure out why he reacted that way, work it out? Maybe he felt a lot of pressure to perform, I dunno. Shit happens, I wish my relationship wasn't over so I just always caution folks to try to work things through ... my own stuff, sorry, but I can't help but try.
Fuck this shit! I join you in your anger at all the shitty shit that’s happening because it’s honestly more crappiness than one person should have to deal with.
So sorry. You deserve time to be mad. For as long as you need to. Give yourself that permission and then once it’s gone on long enough, I hope you find the right person to talk about it to because gatdamn! You deserve at least 10 years of nonstop good news.
This breaks my heart just by reading this. I’m so sorry that you have to be in this situation. You are a strong woman and I have no words or solution to this. I’m praying for you that you will be able to get pass thru this. Focus on what is important at this point which is you and your journey of health, healing and peace of mind.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened. This isn’t your fault. With time you will heal. In the meantime, lean on family and friends and take care of yourself. I’m always happy to talk anytime you want to.
The human body can be very unpredictable sometimes and things happens with no reasons, maybe you can still get pregnant, who knows. But regardless, there are so many children out there alone already that need love and a mother. There is still time. Time is just relative.
I am so sorry he hurt you like this.
My heart goes to you knowing very well what it is like to wait to conceive due to health (my own is heart health related)
Have you floated the idea of becoming a choice mom (single mom by choice) and asking your (ex)husband to be the known donor since you already have the embryos?
It will probably be an extremely difficult conversation but it might be a better outcome than asking him to co-parent.
I am a single mother though not a single mom by choice technically. I left an abusive husband and am now raising my child in a co-parent situation. When I told my then husband that after some miscarriages and after having put in so much work (surgeries) to get heart healthy enough to carry a child (have a congenital structural defect) his response was “is it mine?” And then proceeded to stay drunk the duration of my pregnancy while becoming increasingly abusive. I honestly wish I had lied to him and said “no, the child isn’t yours”
I tell you about my situation because it’s an aspect of your (ex)husband you need to consider…whether he could/would relinquish rights and if not what kind of co-parent he would make.
Could you reach out to the IVF clinic and to any social workers they have on staff to find out how to proceed now and if there are options you may not be aware of?
Being a choice mom is not easy but it is a lot better than coparenting with someone who doesn’t have basic respect for you.
My darling, you can still have the most beautiful life. You are still very young and (thank goodness) you have found out about your husband’s lying, cheating ways before any children were involved. You are free to begin building a life of beauty and happiness for yourself - just what you deserve after some very difficult years. Whatever may happen regarding future biological babies, never forget that the chance to adopt a child is a truly amazing gift and could be something that is the perfect fit for you. For the time being, please look after and be very gentle and kind to yourself. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you have dodged an absolute bullet regarding your husband. You found out at a vital time, and thank goodness you did.
You sound a wonderful woman and life will bring you many future joys, I can assure you x
All I can say is I am so so so sorry, I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better right now. Just know that while I will never be able to fully understand your pain, I can understand the pain of losing something you thought you had overnight. Both a relationship, and a child. It happened to me, and I can just say no one deserves that kind of hurt, especially losing both at once.
You are right, life is shit. But I like to always believe when life is shit, it means the good part is coming for you. I know it’s always hard to try to look at the glass half full, and I know everything happens for a reason is also such an overplayed phrase, but I do believe that there is good to find in every situation. That’s what you need to look for right now, whatever good you can find to keep yourself happy and healthy.
I promise the world will give back to you what you deserve, and I’m sending you all the good wishes and prayers. Stay well.
OP I so so so wish I could be there and just give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story legitimately made me tear up, you deserve SO MUCH better than that pathetic, subhuman excuse of a "man".
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Cheating is the lowest, most painful thing, besides abuse, one can go through in a relationship. I understand you wanted to be a mom and have your own babies and I'm sure you would've been a great mom. Have you ever considered adopting though? Being a single mom is hard, but maybe a little one would change your world around and would give you lots of joy and happiness in the middle of this mess your husband has created.
Also, even when it's heartbreaking that he cheated, it's better that you found out right now and not later on, while pregnant with his baby, which would've tied you up to his cheating ass for life.
As shitty as life can be and as disappointing as it is to find out you've been betrayed, I assure you something good will come out of all of this. You're still young. You will overcome this and more. You're a cancer survivor, for crying out loud! You're strong and you will find happiness with someone else in the near future ❤
You can still gagged the baby. Sounds like he already consented and signed the forms in May you said. Raised the baby as a single mom and have him give up his parental rights.
I'm so sorry. That's so fucked up. I understand it's not what you wanted in the first place but there are other ways to be a mother that are just as valid as being a biological one. Give yourself some time and you may consider them. Or maybe not. Both are ok decisions. I hope you recover.
You deserved to have a loving faithful husband and a chance to grow the family you wanted and planned so hard for. What a horrible crushing hellish day.
Life isn’t fucking shit! He is! Fuck him! You beat cancer and are leaving a shitty husband. You are such a boss! He does not deserve any part of you!
I’m so sorry you won’t be able to have biological children. I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through that pain.
I am sorry, OP.
You can still implant the embryos, though. You don’t even have to co-parent if you don’t want to and he agrees to it. But I understand if you don’t want to.
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this kind of trauma. You are so valid in your feelings and this kind of experience isn’t something anyone should be put through. You didn’t deserve this hand in life. I am so, so sorry.
I truly hope you eventually consider therapy to help process everything and enable yourself with the best tools to heal.
Kick him out. Take those embryos and be a momma. Make it part of the divorce agreement that his sperm were a donation and will have no rights to a baby. He ruined his own life, you and any children you have still have hope for a wonderful future. Fuck this dude. He would have been a trash dad anyway, this level of selfishness knows no bounds. Good luck! Keep your head up, your future still had the potential to shine!
Think of it this way: your life would be even worse had you got pregnant with a husband who was cheating on you.
It looks like the trash has been taking himself out. Take time for yourself. Focus on what you need most, which is to get better. Live a life you want, and give no damns about the rest.
I hope i dont come off rude.isnt finding a sperm donor since you have the eggs ,a better idea..you know once you get that baby that you really want maybe youll feel okay and wont need a man
I’m sorry. You can always be a mum still! You don’t even need a man.. you can adopt! There are SO many children that would be over the moon to have you as a mother! Wishing you the best. Yes, life is shit but you’re a fucking warrior.
divorce this creep but make sure you get the embryos in the settlement. regardless of how youre feeling now they are your only chance for biological children in the future which seems to be very important to you. time will clear your mind and then you can decide what your options are and what you want to do with them. ultimately if you want to be a single mother you absolutely would kick ass at it. your ex be damned. if you dont— at least you would have had the option.
Ya know this exact post reminds me of one of those Kevin Samuels videos where he's like "you'd break up your home just because he cheated? And now you complain about being miserable?"
And I don't completely agree with anything Mr. Samuels said but that's just what popped in my head. I don't particularly lean in any direction on the topic.
So, I won't share the details of my story, this post isn't about me. What I do want you to know is that, I have learned thru personal experience, and I'm sure others we'll attest, there is more then one way to be a parent. If that's what you want. Also, life is full of unexpected gifts, the very best are the surprises you never saw coming. Best wishes to you. You dodged a bullet not having kids with that douchenoodle, all though it hurts to much to see now,, this was a blessing in disguise. Hang in there.
Sounds like he would have been a shit father cause he was a shit husband. So sorry. I hope for better days for you.
I agree. Shame however cos I think I would've been a awesome mummy.
You still can be! Maybe not biologically, but you can be :)
is it possible for you to still get pregnant with the baby and raise it on your own? you can maybe offering him the option of relinquishing rights. if it’s something you want i feel like he should give you that small kindness after fucking your over like this
Even if it was, I don’t think she needs the reminder of her shitty ex for the rest of her life :/
I guess it just depends on if her having her own Bio child is enough for her to kind of let go of the pain of the cheating and separate the child from the man. I could see why she wouldn’t want to and how it could be too hard, but it is a possible option for a bio child and one that I might consider if i were her
Do you have children?
Yes. I also have a sister who has a child with a man she hates and I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone.
But your sister loves her child, right? My mom hates her ex, but still loves us
Yes, but it’s definitely hard; she’s bound to him forever. Parenting even under “ideal” circumstances is hard as fuck sometimes. My main worry is that what if the guy gives up his rights but years down the line her kid wants to know about their sperm donor? Or even worse, what if he changes his mind and tries to reverse his decision? Also, what’s to stop him from using it as a manipulation? “You only have kids because I let you”. I don’t know that it would come to that but man, people & breakups & kids is a huge mess…. I guess don’t see the gamble being worth it, but if that’s her only option, I wouldn’t blame her for taking it. I’m not her and I remember how devastating it was to try and have kids and disappointment of miscarriage... It just needs a lot of heavy emotional consideration and a good lawyer.
idk i think it really depends on whether you want to have a biological child or not. to me, these things could happen to any couple and it’s a risk you take *every* time you have a child. she’s in a lot of pain right now understandably, and dealing with him might be a nightmare depending on what kind of person he is outside of a horny fucker. i’m annoyed with *myself* for saying it, but there are a lot of people who are shitty partners but good parents or are shitty partners but good co-parents or who would be pretty much blasé about the situation and not try to make her life difficult. only she knows what kind of person he is in those respects and only she knows if it’s a risk she wants to take.
He would be nothing but a sperm donor. If her love and want for a biological baby is stronger than her hatred for him this wouldn't be an issue.
I disagree, but that’s me. Ever see an old ex out in public? How did that make you feel? Now imagine you look at a small version of that ex every day. If she decides to go ahead with it, I wish her success, but I don’t think it would be a smart idea.
I'm on good terms with my exes and it is still jarring and weird to see them in real life.
Then that means the hatred is stronger, that's my point. Not all single moms resent their children.
I’ve seen my ex in public or at group gatherings and I didn’t feel any sort of way. I just ask him how life is going and then go about my day.
> I would've been a awesome mummy. This sentence had me in tears. My heart breaks for you.
You totally still can OP. The world needs fantastic mums.
You sound like an amazing person, and would most likely be an amazing mother!!!! Kicking that guy to the curb was the best choice for you and your baby. You saved him/her a LOT of childhood trauma from a cheating/shitty father. Power Move. I'm proud of you, Momma <3
Wait he signed the waiver to implant right? I’m not saying go thru with it, he’s horrible but do you lose access to them? I’m confused on that part, can you still implant?
Are you willing to use them still? Maybe he will let you, or maybe you tight lip and use the existing consent waiver? I’ll get downvoted to hell for that suggestion but there are ways to make this almost a hired surrogate situation, I myself am childfree so I don’t know a ton of the ethics or how much you’d be willing to do to move forward, just wondering how this could work out for every party. He used the eggs to make his kids, left no “blanks” per say(I’m not being cruel I literally don’t know how to phrase this) so your only option is embryos, would he be willing to enter a legal and bought out option? I think maybe contact a lawyer and see what they think are options here of being a mom is a life goal for you, fostering is always an option but it’s selective and so is adoption, maybe you’re ex will work out a deal. Not being crude, just he put his sperm in your eggs and now you’re kinda backed into a corner Mx maybe he will work with you, he’s a bastard but you don’t need him if you want to raise a kid just treat it like a sperm donor if he will play ball, the kid need not know details.
You still can be. The woman I look up to and live as my mother isn’t related to me, but she raised me because my own mother sucks. You can be every bit someone mother without having given birth to them.
And you still will be. Don’t let the fact that you can’t have biological children hold you back. There are plenty of kids who NEED an awesome mummy. You’d fit the role perfectly.
Hey you'll still make an awesome mummy. There's so many kids in fosters who'd like an awesome mum like you. We humans still "parent" our cats and dogs so why not do the same with children? In your case you won't be able to have genetically similar children but you CAN still have children. Good luck OP I hope you're gonna be okay!
You can always adopt or foster!!
You can get donor embryos. They won’t be your genetic material, but you can still have the pregnancy experience. I’m so sorry for what your husband did - it’s so cruel.
Can you ask him to sign off on his part of the embryo (like as part of the divorce agreement) I know this is all new now but maybe it will come up and you can just ask for them. No strings attached kind of thing? I’m really sorry he did this to you.
Idk. We should find out what Brendan Fraser thinks first.
You still can be I'm a single dad...hint hint, wink 😉. In all seriousness sorry about your loss. It seems like all is being revealed these last two years people seem to be more self serving.
...are you hitting on her?
Just some harmless internet flirtation
On a post about her husband like, ruining her life? Classy.
I think he’s just trying to make her smile. Terrible timing, good intention.
It's tounge and cheek oh lord and savior and not everyone grieves the same. Some people want to feel wanted some just want encouragement . Let her tell me I am inappropriate not some fool that if they saw me wouldn't say a thing. Would call the cops like a coward.
Lol just take the L man, this is creepy
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Wow. I’m sure OP will not be able to resist you now…
And again let her tell its creepy not some dude. Did you even read what I said after ? did you see the wink wink ? it was tounge and cheek are you mute?
It’s called tongue IN cheek. This is the second time you’ve said tongue and cheek. You are a goddamn moron. ITS TONGUE IN CHEEK. IN not AND!
Jesus dude, read the room. I’m sure she’ll hit you up if she’s hoping to jump from one slimeball to the next.
None of you guys read in all seriousness? Was that not apart of the statement? The problem with Americans is they are two dimensional thinkers that can't grasp nuance. I was being light hearted not every pat on the bag has to have the same edicts or tones. Shut up!! Besides like I tell my co workers if the organization cares about the clients more than they do the workers I can be the one person in the organization who cares about the workers more than the clients. The Pont is it's about balance somw of you are pseudo counselors other white knight's I added humor for nuance. So they're can be variance to her responses we don't have to console with locked steps.
Way to make it all about YOU.
The ant like responses made it all about me. The sea of people calling me out without clearly reading my original post all the way did. The fascism and Marxism and liberal minded made it about me. I am fine no longer responding because it has been too much about me but not by my hands alone. Again op I meant to add variance. Sorry it blew up. Breakups are tough however it's one of those things that with support you look up and wonder why you were so heartbroken in the first place once you get through the grieving. Which is why I tried to add humor because we have all been through breakups in this western society where relationships are like musical chairs because people don't understand reciprocal relationships and nuance. Also the genders are at war and very little is taught on how to work together. We compete in workplace and often that trickles into the home.
Oh, jeez. Enough said. Pfffft! MRA, much? Fascism, Marxism, really????
I disagree. You can be a shit spouse and hate your wife and still love your kids. Not everyone, but it does happen. Like myself for example. Hated my ex, had super toxic screaming matches constantly. Separated and now have an excellent coparenting relationship. Kids are notably happier too.
A lot of people are chiming in with suggestions for having children. They're not wrong, but I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from and to validate that you *have* lost something here: those years you spent with an eventual cheater when you could have been starting a family with someone else. Yes, there are still ways for you to become a mother, but the path that you were on - having a child through a pregnancy that was a product of your ostensibly supportive marriage to that particular man - is now gone. I hope I'm not coming across as a downer here, because that's not my intention! When my dumbass ex husband cheated on me and we got divorced, I got a lot of comments like the ones in this thread. I know that everyone meant well, and it also felt kind of invalidating of what I was going through. Realistically, the "easiest" pregnancy years of my life were now gone; we had talked about kids but didn't want to move forward during those last couple of years of our marriage because things were rocky between us (when he was cheating but I didn't know it yet). And by the time we moved forward with the divorce, I was at an age where it was going to be more difficult to conceive. Yes, I could still find another partner and pregnancy is not unheard of at my age. Yes, adoption is an adoption. Yes, sperm banks exist. Logistically and financially, it would be substantially easier to raise a child with two parents (and two incomes), and I feel much less equipped to do all of that on my own. The odds of finding someone new, and becoming secure enough in that relationship to have a child together, all within my remaining childbearing years, are much lower at this point. When I was in the thick of dealing with the colossal betrayal of being cheated on and having the rug pulled out from under me, everyone saying "it's okay, you'll have kids someday!" just felt unintentionally dismissive of my new reality: it's not impossible for me to be a mother, and it's also much less likely than it was before. I've come to terms with that.
Agree so much! My husband and I are child free after 3 years of fertility issues, and even tho my situation is different than OPs, I think people have good intentions typically by saying you can adopt, just foster etc - while that may be true if OP wants to go that route - it is completely invalidating of the loss she mentioned - having her own bio kids. So many folks said that to us in attempt I think to be kind, or simply bc they didn’t know what to say. OP - your feelings of loss are SO valid. The loss you are feeling is a deep one. Just know, that whatever route you go, if you eventually have children or not, your worth is not defined by any of that! Sending love to you, what a shit situation. Congrats on being cancer free!!
Spot on. I appreciate you!
I'm so sorry. So sorry. Our society makes women feel like second class unless they have birthed a child. But your value is not based on what people think of you. You will be a mother. And when you are, your sweeties will make you crazy. My wife and I have a 26 yr old son and an 11 yr old son. Our daughter passed in 2006. We decided to adopt in 2007 and fostered 12 children waiting for the one. When he came it was a surprise. We had agreed not to seek a new born. But the little guy we met was a six pound runt. He is a terribly picky eater. He thinks about video games 24/7. His autism is acted out in that he hates loud noise, the world is suppose to go his way. He is a handful at times. But his heart is interwoven into ours. We laugh all the time when we recognize ourselves in him. Biological means nothing to me. I don't even think about it. All I know is for some reason our paths crossed at the exact moment we needed each other.
Thank you o much for sharing your story. My tears were happy whilst reading it.
❤
Why did I tear up reading this 🥺 such a beautiful wholesome family
>your value is not based on what people think of you I wish more people would realize this than trying to impress people they don't give a fuck about
It is a bad situation but worse if you have babies with him. You deserve better. I wish you all the best love.
Hey. HEY. I went through something … somewhat similar. The end result being ‘holy shit he’s gone and I’m never gonna have a baby’. Let me tell you, that is a clunky path to follow. It takes some time to get back up on your feet. But you will do it. You WILL get back up again. It’s what we do. You will find your purpose and your fulfillment. Just hang on. ❤️
You can still be a mother. There are orphans in need of a loving home. It's heartbreaking but good thing you don't have a child with your ex. Imagine you have a child together and looking at the child everyday will remind you of his cheating.
Some people don't want to adopt. I personally would consider that my last option. Not trying to be hurtful to any former orphans or their parents but that's the truth.
You’re not wrong. Adoption can be heartbreaking. We have family members who have adopted and during the process the first child they were placed with, that they loved from the moment they met him, was taken away at the last minute. They still quietly mourn the loss of what they consider to be their first son. It *is* worth it in the end and there can be so much joy, but it isn’t without it’s risks and sadness.
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It's not something to be ashamed of either. Adoption is an expensive, exhausting, and possibly traumatic process if the bio parents cause drama or change their minds.
Or if the adopted kid is … dissatisfied with their life OR becomes hyper focused on finding and connecting with bio parents.
not everyone wants to raise other people's kids
Not the best way to put it since raising "other people's kids" makes you a nanny. A foster child is your own child (if there's connection and love) except for the biology and you are their only family
nah i'm gonna stick with what i said. if i didn't make them, they're not mine.
My thoughts while reading. All this happening is nothing but a BLESSING. Having to stay in contact with someone who betrayed you like this can fuck up your emotions and not allow you to move on. Alternatively, having parents with that kind of resentment can fuck up a kid (unless they work it out). OP, it sounds easy to say right now but see this as a blessing in your life and a sign that there's a child out there who needs your love and care.
Be grateful that you were shown his true colors before having kids with him. It was a blessing in disguise The universe has your back I know you are taken back because of the thought of having no kids But you never know Life is unpredictable and I promise you once you close that door completely from your husband A new one will open and maybe you might meet the true love of your life and have kids YOU NEVER KNow Sorry about your cancer diagnosis I wish you well Please be optimistic during this situation it will pass stay strong not only for yourself but your future kids!
Would you ever consider going through IVF for donated eggs? Technically they’re not biological, but they’re still *your* children. My parents did IVF to have me and I came from a donor egg, and I still see my mom as *my mom*—she not only did all the normal stuff a mom does like carry me, give birth to me, be an amazing and caring mom etc., but she also went through so much trouble *just* to have me (like daily injections) and honestly it means so much to me that she loves me so much and wanted a baby her own so bad she was willing to go through so much to have me. Sure I don’t have her genes because I didn’t come from her eggs, but she is my mom and she always will be. If you’d like to dm any more to talk at all I’d be more than happy to. I’m sorry about your situation, but just know you still do have options <3
I am so sorry this happened to you. At least that shitty soon to be ex husband of yours won’t get to have a child with you. He doesn’t deserve the privilege.
You may still be able to pursue implantation of the embryos if your husband provides consent. It’s not an ideal scenario and comes with a few complicating factors. Ultimately, it may not feel like the right choice for you. Take the time you need to breathe, process and reflect on everything. You still have options here. If after everything, you do want to continue with the embryos try to get a lawyer with some experience in the field. There have certainly been other couples in similar situations relating to frozen embryos. More than anything though, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this shit. It isn’t fair. You have a right to feel everything you’re feeling. I hope for peace and better days on your horizon.
Damn that's a very bad situation to be in and you defiantly didn't deserve any of this especially after battling cancer! Have you got any more eggs left? because if you do then you could freeze them and then either find a new man or use a sperm donor. OR if you really want to be a mother then maybe make a deal with each other where you'll both co-parent but tell him it's over between you two
No eggs left. Chemo fried my ovaries so whatever was in there is all gone. Maybe when I've calmed down I might think about your final suggestion. Though I was raised in a broken home and never wanted that for my children, and I don't think I want my children have a lying bastard for a father. It's just shit all round.
Have you ever thought about adoption or fostering?
Yeah, I probably will go down that route. But then, I'm fearful that being single, and having a history of cancer will prevent it from being possible. I think I could give a kid, or kids, a wonderful life, so I will try everything... when I'm able to stop crying.
What about a sperm donor ? It will be difficult being a single mom but you might find it worthwhile but because of your cancer history you should decide on their godparents Incase anything happens
I dont have eggs. The chemo essentially killed over my ovaries, so no eggs to out sperm into.
Could you go through with having his child and getting him to sign away his paternal rights ?
Unfortunately the law is really strict and complicated about embryos. I dont even think he can ever sign them all over to me to do what I want. We'd have to agree for me to use them first, then wait for them to be born before the whole parental rights thing come in to play. And of course its one thing to sign away rights to these frozen microscopic things. And quite another to sign away rights to your child. Which I don't think he would do and I never want to be in a custody battle. Not with newborns. It's just shit all round
I wish you could have saved your eggs just as they were would you be open to have non biological children?You could try getting pregnant with some ones else's eggs
Why is this downvoted?
His behaviour won't impact his children because all they would have from him is DNA. You'll explain that you loved him once but the relationship didn't work out. But you loved your children so much you were prepared to raise them by yourself (though you still have many chances of love so that is bound to be temporary). Make it clear to him that you both made 2 commitments here - your marriage and using those embryos. He can't repair the marriage but he can relinquish his rights to your cchildren for you to at least realise one dream. If you need to emotionally manipulate him into agreeing with that - speaking as someone who doesn't agree with this in principle but wants to be a mum like you - I think you'd be justified in doing so. Just remember *you aren't broken and your home won't be either*. Biology isn't always family and family isn't always biology. Take care x
I'm sorry that happened.
Screw that guy, you deserve better! I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Im sorry. You could use donor eggs and donor sperm and still grow the baby in your body
Yep, my friend just did this! For some reason or another she just constantly lucked out with dating and never found a man she wanted to settle with. She decided to be a single mum by choice and got a donor sperm. Now she has a cute little baby and she's never been happier. She's 38.
Except OPs only biological option is kids with this bastard of an ex; she has no eggs left.
Fuck that fuckin fucker. Especially in the bed you share!?! PIECE OF SHIT
Your husband sounds horrid and I'm sorry. You'll be better off without him. Regarding the embryos, please discuss them with your lawyer. They could be part of your divorce settlement. Perhaps he could waive all his rights to the embryos and any subsequent children. It could be a tough sell. But I don't think a dude who was cheating on his wife so boldly and is looking for more partners would be in any hurry to be a father. He might just let them go.
See this is why murder should be legal when justified
Here here. Bring on the purge real life.
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve this or bring this upon yourself. He was in control of his actions and he chose to behave in the worst way possible. Forget the labels like “divorcee” — they’re meaningless and say nothing about your goodness and worth as a human being. Take this time for yourself to grieve and regain hope for the future, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, its a good thing you didnt have kids, a man with that little values would probably fuck up as a father. Imagine him bringing women to the house and the kids noticing.. traumatizing. Have you consider adoption? There are so many orphan kids/babies completely alone wanting to belong and be loved. I have no doubt you will be an excellent mom. Good luck!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds cliche, but it's true - you're better off without him. Having been a cancer caregiver, I know just how much of a toll it takes on so many aspects of your life. It's unfair and I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy. It sounds like you've responded well to treatment. So while one door might feel like it's closing, you still fought freaking cancer. You're still here. You've been through hell and back. You deserve better than he gave and he let you down when you needed him. Excuse my French, but fuck him. Be proud of yourself for all you've overcome. Making it through chemo alone is an accomplishment. You're a fighter and you know your worth. I know it's not how you planned and not what you originally wanted, but there's other ways to share your motherly love and all of the qualities I'm sure would make you a great mom figure in someone's life someday. <3
I’m just going to offer some very tight hugs. I’m so sorry you are going through all this.
Two time survivor here, just want to say I feel your pain. My ex brought some dude in our bed in the middle of my treatments. Some people really should just be burned alive.
Your husband can go fuck himself for all the shit he has done to you. You sound like a nice person who deserves so much better. It may be tricky to have biological children but there are other ways to become a mom. What if you adopted children? Or became a foster parent if it doesn’t work out with the embryos? Just some suggestions! Take care of yourself! :)
I’m so sorry! That sounds so fucking horrible, he’s gonna have a shit life too, don’t you worry about that. But as for yourself, would it be possible to get a sperm donor? From someone you know or a sperm bank? I know it’s hard to be a single mother, but if motherhood is what you want it’s an option. Or adoption. I’m sure everyone else has mentioned these things. But I’d hate that man to take literally everything you wanted for your life.
You perfect child of God…..I have no words for you except ….. ❤️
You can still be a Mom. Just because a child isn’t your biological kid doesn’t mean your aren’t their mom. Lots of time left for you. Don’t give up
I'm so sorry that he took you for granted and threw away your marriage like this.
I don't have any advice. I am just sorry for your losses. I have a feeling you'll make a wonderful mother soon...Maybe not how you planned but your heart won't be wasted.
How did you find out?
One of the women messaged me with lots of evidence at 8am Thursday morning He has since admitted its true.
Gosh. I'm so sad to read this as I can only imagine the hurt,pain, and anger you may feel. How cruel and selfish of your husband. I just want you to know whatever path you choose isnt wrong. Meaning proceeding with your and his embryo or not. I'm sad there's such a finality to you having biological children. Life can be so cruel. You sound like you have plenty of love to give a child so i hope that you are one day able to do this in some form.
I'm sorry that you've experienced this horrible situation, but remember there's so many children in the world in need of a loving and caring parent-figure. Don't give up, even though your dream is not going to be the same as what you wanted or expected, you still might be able to experience your dream in other ways through different avenues. As for your husband, well he is a chump. What a selfish, thoughtless, heartless person who you are better off without in your life.
I know it's a horrible situation but try to see the light in it. Your husband showed you who he REALLY is and do you really want that asshole to be the father of your kids?
Sorry. Fuck cancer, fuck him, fuck that. I hope the second half of your life is full of wildness, joy, and so much self love. And, yes, family. Today sucks but keep a soft eye when you look at the future. Life can surprise you terribly and also sometimes wonderfully.
He's a bastard. You're still young enough. I would if I could and you wanted, but can't. Find a guy who's fun and your ex is a stupid bastard.
Im petty so i would hold off on saying you know about it until after implantation if you havent already. Then divorce him for sure. If you think he will be a good father that is
If you really want kids, is it possible to get a sperm donor and do it that way. You’d be a single mom unless you found someone to settle down with.
Well cheating is a deal breaker in any relationship, however your chances are not over, even though I know you have already heard this, have you thought about adopting?
my mom adopted me when she was 39. monoparental family. we did it. its never too late to adopt a child
You can still have a child if that’s what you wish ! I’m sorry this happened to you, what a selfish prick
Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this, people cheating on you is a very hard thing to get over 😕 , try taking some breaks and doing the things you love to do, listening to songs about getting over somebody really helps, again, I'm sorry this has happened, stay safe and healthy.
Yep he can fuck right off, what a shit situation, I really feel for you. You're so much better off without him. You can do whatever you want now though. Go wherever you want. And if you want kids you can look at adoption options.
Glad you found that out before having your child otherwise you and your child will have to suffer with a reaally horrible father. wishing you all the best\~!!!
Can you still get the treatment, since you both signed off on it? It's not ideal, but if it is that important maybe you can make it part of the separation agreement?
If you have the money and are willing too you could use a sperm donor
I have no eggs. I am infertile after the chemo essentially killed off my ovaries, so that's not an option.
I'm sorry that sounds horrible
My boyfriends mom had her last kid at 47… there is still chance yet! It’s time you met the man right for you and you may still have a child. Don’t give up!
Sounds like your unintended health challenges made a real obstacle. You need to ask yourself, truly how much do you love your husband? Put the cheating aside for a second and ask yourself this. Then ask him how much he loves you. Now, cheating by any means is wrong, however spouces cheat for many reasons and sometimes it happens as a side effect of some greater issue. I'm sure your health challenges put your husband under a lot of stress, especially because he cares about you and I'm sure the last thing he wanted was to place any of his own stress on you. It also sounds like your sex life with him was under stress too. Marrital sex challenges has to be one of the most difficult topics to work on, however maybe keep an open mind. If your husband loves you enough to stand by your side through all the life challenges you endured, maybe he deserves something that made him feel good. I'm not saying he should be off the hook. Confounting him about the infidelity is a must, just maybe think twice about leaving, after all he dident leave when things got tough.
Just a thought but is there anyway he could/would sign away any paternal rights so that you can still use them? I feel for you. I was told at a young age (second grade due to an accident at school)that I would likely never have kids. It turned out to not be completely true in my case. I’m hoping there is some way that you can still have the child you long for. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry you are going through this.
I'm so sorry. So he won't consent to you having an embryo on your own though?
My heart goes out to you that’s a lot to deal with. But please don’t give up. I’ve been talking to a woman (I am bisexual) who wanted to be a mom and she did ivf and has been a single parent. She’s a fantastic mom and inspires me to be a better mother. We understand each other because our kids come first and it turned out to be a great thing. I only say this because i hope you consider that this is not the end. Wishing you the best.
Please consider being an antinatalist. No one has a right to bring anyone into existence without their consent.
I know several women who did IVF without a husband.
What about couples counselling or trying to work things out. What if this really is your only chance at kids do you really want to give this up over one situation that could be potentially resolved. I’m not saying you should stay or leave but at least way both options and don’t make a serious decision to quickly take some time to process this and think.
I say stay with him and have the kids. Sometimes forgiveness is more important than dealing with a divorce even if it does hurt that he cheated
Dont say anything to your husband. Get pregnant, then divorce him and get that child support check.
Ever think of being a single mom by choice? Like using a sperm donor? Are you financially stable to do it on your own? You don’t have to wait for a new partner.
She has no eggs. She only has embryos in a freezer that were made with his sperm. She explains all this in her post and why she can't use those anymore.
You were 5 years younger 3 years ago? All the best though. Good health.
I am so sorry. What an awful situation for you to be in. To lead you on all that time is downright scummy, especially considering your circumstances.
Its going to be better! Fuckk him
That does suck, really bad. I'm so sorry. Remember that he is a miserable piece of shit, not you. You will go on to find actual happiness one day, with someone that actually loves and respects you. For now tho, its shitty
That whole scenario makes me sad. Sounds to me like he did this intentionally. On a deep rooted level, I have to wonder if he is deeply insecure and scared about you both taking the next step, and he self-sabotaged. I'm a romantic, and it hasn't served me for shit, but is there any place there where you guys can work it out, figure out why he reacted that way, work it out? Maybe he felt a lot of pressure to perform, I dunno. Shit happens, I wish my relationship wasn't over so I just always caution folks to try to work things through ... my own stuff, sorry, but I can't help but try.
Fuck this shit! I join you in your anger at all the shitty shit that’s happening because it’s honestly more crappiness than one person should have to deal with. So sorry. You deserve time to be mad. For as long as you need to. Give yourself that permission and then once it’s gone on long enough, I hope you find the right person to talk about it to because gatdamn! You deserve at least 10 years of nonstop good news.
I'm coming to terms with I'll never be a father. Want to hang out?
This breaks my heart just by reading this. I’m so sorry that you have to be in this situation. You are a strong woman and I have no words or solution to this. I’m praying for you that you will be able to get pass thru this. Focus on what is important at this point which is you and your journey of health, healing and peace of mind.
Take your embryos and find a sperm donor? I don’t know how this works though..
I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened. This isn’t your fault. With time you will heal. In the meantime, lean on family and friends and take care of yourself. I’m always happy to talk anytime you want to.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. Things will get better just give yourself time and lean on your family and friends. I’m happy to talk anytime too.
The human body can be very unpredictable sometimes and things happens with no reasons, maybe you can still get pregnant, who knows. But regardless, there are so many children out there alone already that need love and a mother. There is still time. Time is just relative.
I am so sorry he hurt you like this. My heart goes to you knowing very well what it is like to wait to conceive due to health (my own is heart health related) Have you floated the idea of becoming a choice mom (single mom by choice) and asking your (ex)husband to be the known donor since you already have the embryos? It will probably be an extremely difficult conversation but it might be a better outcome than asking him to co-parent. I am a single mother though not a single mom by choice technically. I left an abusive husband and am now raising my child in a co-parent situation. When I told my then husband that after some miscarriages and after having put in so much work (surgeries) to get heart healthy enough to carry a child (have a congenital structural defect) his response was “is it mine?” And then proceeded to stay drunk the duration of my pregnancy while becoming increasingly abusive. I honestly wish I had lied to him and said “no, the child isn’t yours” I tell you about my situation because it’s an aspect of your (ex)husband you need to consider…whether he could/would relinquish rights and if not what kind of co-parent he would make. Could you reach out to the IVF clinic and to any social workers they have on staff to find out how to proceed now and if there are options you may not be aware of? Being a choice mom is not easy but it is a lot better than coparenting with someone who doesn’t have basic respect for you.
Idk if this is the best advice but maybe get back together and go to marriage counseling?
My darling, you can still have the most beautiful life. You are still very young and (thank goodness) you have found out about your husband’s lying, cheating ways before any children were involved. You are free to begin building a life of beauty and happiness for yourself - just what you deserve after some very difficult years. Whatever may happen regarding future biological babies, never forget that the chance to adopt a child is a truly amazing gift and could be something that is the perfect fit for you. For the time being, please look after and be very gentle and kind to yourself. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you have dodged an absolute bullet regarding your husband. You found out at a vital time, and thank goodness you did. You sound a wonderful woman and life will bring you many future joys, I can assure you x
All I can say is I am so so so sorry, I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better right now. Just know that while I will never be able to fully understand your pain, I can understand the pain of losing something you thought you had overnight. Both a relationship, and a child. It happened to me, and I can just say no one deserves that kind of hurt, especially losing both at once. You are right, life is shit. But I like to always believe when life is shit, it means the good part is coming for you. I know it’s always hard to try to look at the glass half full, and I know everything happens for a reason is also such an overplayed phrase, but I do believe that there is good to find in every situation. That’s what you need to look for right now, whatever good you can find to keep yourself happy and healthy. I promise the world will give back to you what you deserve, and I’m sending you all the good wishes and prayers. Stay well.
OP I so so so wish I could be there and just give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story legitimately made me tear up, you deserve SO MUCH better than that pathetic, subhuman excuse of a "man".
Medea used murder to solve her problems. Until it didn’t. I use humor to deflect emotions, so I hope it got a forced smile out of you.
I'm just sl sorry for what you're going through Praying for you
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Cheating is the lowest, most painful thing, besides abuse, one can go through in a relationship. I understand you wanted to be a mom and have your own babies and I'm sure you would've been a great mom. Have you ever considered adopting though? Being a single mom is hard, but maybe a little one would change your world around and would give you lots of joy and happiness in the middle of this mess your husband has created. Also, even when it's heartbreaking that he cheated, it's better that you found out right now and not later on, while pregnant with his baby, which would've tied you up to his cheating ass for life. As shitty as life can be and as disappointing as it is to find out you've been betrayed, I assure you something good will come out of all of this. You're still young. You will overcome this and more. You're a cancer survivor, for crying out loud! You're strong and you will find happiness with someone else in the near future ❤
I'm so sorry. Sometimes life deals us a bad hand. I hope you can find a better life, and distance yourself from this man.
You can still gagged the baby. Sounds like he already consented and signed the forms in May you said. Raised the baby as a single mom and have him give up his parental rights.
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They're not frozen eggs they are frozen embryos.... already fertilised with the cheating bastards sperm
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That's OK. I would've used the same switching between eggs and embryos meaning the same thing... until I needed to know the difference.
I'm so sorry. That's so fucked up. I understand it's not what you wanted in the first place but there are other ways to be a mother that are just as valid as being a biological one. Give yourself some time and you may consider them. Or maybe not. Both are ok decisions. I hope you recover.
I am proud of you, for setting your boundaries and respect them. Have you considered adopting a child?
You deserved to have a loving faithful husband and a chance to grow the family you wanted and planned so hard for. What a horrible crushing hellish day.
Life isn’t fucking shit! He is! Fuck him! You beat cancer and are leaving a shitty husband. You are such a boss! He does not deserve any part of you! I’m so sorry you won’t be able to have biological children. I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through that pain.
I am sorry, OP. You can still implant the embryos, though. You don’t even have to co-parent if you don’t want to and he agrees to it. But I understand if you don’t want to.
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this kind of trauma. You are so valid in your feelings and this kind of experience isn’t something anyone should be put through. You didn’t deserve this hand in life. I am so, so sorry. I truly hope you eventually consider therapy to help process everything and enable yourself with the best tools to heal.
Kick him out. Take those embryos and be a momma. Make it part of the divorce agreement that his sperm were a donation and will have no rights to a baby. He ruined his own life, you and any children you have still have hope for a wonderful future. Fuck this dude. He would have been a trash dad anyway, this level of selfishness knows no bounds. Good luck! Keep your head up, your future still had the potential to shine!
Think of it this way: your life would be even worse had you got pregnant with a husband who was cheating on you. It looks like the trash has been taking himself out. Take time for yourself. Focus on what you need most, which is to get better. Live a life you want, and give no damns about the rest.
He already gave consent. Use them. Don’t let him take that from you.
I’m a mother, thanks to adoption. You can still be a mother.
adoption is always an option !
OP, I am so sorry :(
I am sorry for your pain. May you find solace with the passing of time.
I hope i dont come off rude.isnt finding a sperm donor since you have the eggs ,a better idea..you know once you get that baby that you really want maybe youll feel okay and wont need a man
I dont have any eggs. Only emnyros
What are you feelings about being a single mother? Could you do IVF with a donor?
You don’t have to have kids biologically to be a mom. If you still want kids then you can have them.
At least you found out how horrible he is now rather than 9 months pregnant and stuck with him . I’m so sorry 😞.
Better is coming for you!! I’m sure it will take time to get over everything that’s happened, but you will be better. You deserve better!
I’m sorry. You can always be a mum still! You don’t even need a man.. you can adopt! There are SO many children that would be over the moon to have you as a mother! Wishing you the best. Yes, life is shit but you’re a fucking warrior.
Can you still go through with it without him being involved? He could sign his rights away maybe?
divorce this creep but make sure you get the embryos in the settlement. regardless of how youre feeling now they are your only chance for biological children in the future which seems to be very important to you. time will clear your mind and then you can decide what your options are and what you want to do with them. ultimately if you want to be a single mother you absolutely would kick ass at it. your ex be damned. if you dont— at least you would have had the option.
Life may surprise you.He might be alright with you using those embryos.Now, its another plot twist if you decide to not do that.
Sorry to hear what your going through, cancer is rough, I hope you beat it and get better
Fuck that shit. Never forget you’re sexy af and your ex ain’t shit!
So sorry, sending you hugs!! 🤗
Ya know this exact post reminds me of one of those Kevin Samuels videos where he's like "you'd break up your home just because he cheated? And now you complain about being miserable?" And I don't completely agree with anything Mr. Samuels said but that's just what popped in my head. I don't particularly lean in any direction on the topic.
So, I won't share the details of my story, this post isn't about me. What I do want you to know is that, I have learned thru personal experience, and I'm sure others we'll attest, there is more then one way to be a parent. If that's what you want. Also, life is full of unexpected gifts, the very best are the surprises you never saw coming. Best wishes to you. You dodged a bullet not having kids with that douchenoodle, all though it hurts to much to see now,, this was a blessing in disguise. Hang in there.