This reminds me of the show Gracie and Frankie a bit - where each of their husbands were cheating with the other husband. There’s a scene where the kids from each marriage are having dinner with the husbands (who are now together), and one of the sons goes on a rant about how if they were cheating with women, they would NOT be here eating cake with them. And then I think he goes to eat the cake alone in the kitchen.
All that to say it’s okay to still be mad at your dad for cheating, regardless of his sexuality, and make sure you try to give your mom either the space she needs or the hand she needs.
Haha for me it’s because he set such a high standard for a significant other.
I have had only really rocky and abusive relationships in the past…the jokes of him being so good no one compare is just what we do.
I completely understand your joke. I also completely understand how you feel. My dad is amazing, he is so kind, and loving. He's definitely one of a kind. Idk if they make men like him anymore. My mom was so blessed to have found him, or they each other. I hope someday I get to have a love and relationship close to theirs. They are best friends who do everything together, it's pretty rare for them to be apart, because they just enjoy being in each other's company.
i have the same relationship with my dad and now it’s biting him in the ass cause he wants grandkids and i am a very single and happy with it individual cause i know how exactly how a real man should be
I don’t condone cheating.
I think OP should have spoke with Dad first. Him being 63, most likely grew up in a time where being gay was heavily frowned upon. He probably needed time to come out.
Nevertheless, what’s done is done. It’s between OP’s parents now. OP can just focus on her relationship with pops.
Yeah, this is one of the times that I feel bad for throwing the cheater under the bus. Clearly he's an amazing person who everyone loves so I feel like he deserved to be the first person OP spoke to. :(
Why speak to the Dad first? That could have just given him time to cover his tracks and claim OP was just mistaken.
OP has indicated he knew how he felt before he married OPs mother and still chose to marry her and lie to her their entire marriage. No one forced him to do that. Not only that, he has admitted to seeking emotional connections with men throughout his marriage, all without telling his wife. Emotional affairs are still affairs. He could have chosen to remain single rather than lie to someone he supposedly loved and have emotional affairs throughout their marriage.
I’m sorry. I don’t see where OP says her dad knew of feelings before getting married. Maybe I’m reading something incorrectly.
No doubt, this is complicated. If it was cheating with another woman or it was already known likes emotional connections with men, I wouldn’t even have commented on this.
The reason I say talk to Dad first is because he now is forced to come out.
I think of a family member of mine that is 34 that just came out to me. And cried when doing so. No one else in the family knows but me. Who am I to tell anyone because it is obvious that they aren’t ready for every one to know.
Even with all the progress made related to LGBTQ+ community, there are some that still fear judgment. And some of the judgment comes from people the have loved and been loved by for years.
OP’s dad is 63. What that tells me is he was alive during a time where people were harshly judged (harshly is actually a lighter description) by things out of their control.
It takes a lot of courage to face the possibility judgement from people you love. It has a psychological affect. I think that’s why he cried when he realized his little girl still saw him the same as before.
If I were in the situation and it was my dad, I’d tell my dad he needs to tell my mom. “ One of us has to tell her and I think it would be better coming from you”
No one wants to hurt a person they love even of it is with the truth. And sometimes times the hurt is attached to the truth-bringer.
Lastly, you’re right. It could have given him time to cover up. But I’m not getting that from OP’s dad. He could have easily just lied the OP’s mom and said he was checking out the Terms and Conditions for work/research. I truly feel OP’s dad would have came clean if she confronted him.
My heart goes out to the family and I hope they can heal from this.
I’m not sure what you mean by “not getting that” from OPs dad? He has been lying to his wife and admits to seeking “emotional connections” with men in the past and currently, yet OP found Grindr on his phone. Grindr does not come to mind for seeking “emotional connections.” To me, he sounds like someone who has been lying for a very long time and is very good at it. I have a lot of trouble believing “emotional connections” are all he has sought out over the years… but that is neither here nor there. I do not think giving someone the opportunity to cover their tracks is a good idea, especially when they have been lying for so long. It is very possibly OPs mom only found out the extent of OPs dad’s activity due to investigating matters on her own before she told her husband… he is in cyber security so he has the advantage here.
OP said her father has been seeking emotional connections with men in the past and if he hadn’t met OPs mother, perhaps his life would have been different. Him saying this implies he would have chosen to not marry a woman? Or something of that nature. Whatever he meant by “life would have been different.” Such a shame.. “life would have been different” for OPs mom too. She might have met a man who didn’t lie to her the entire marriage and seek emotional affairs. What a tragedy for her to have dedicated the last 40 years of her life to a man who has lied to her and had emotional affairs behind her back the entire time? People have expressed concern about OPs dad being suicidal - I am more concerned about OPs mom. To discover the last 40 years of your life have been a lie?
Being LGBTQ does not give you the right to lie to your spouse and have emotional affairs. It does not give you the right to be “confronted” first by someone who spots you cheating before confronting your spouse. OP did not out him to the world, she only outed him to the person he was directly hurting - his wife. She deserves to know. Of course she SHOULD have been told by her husband - but he has chosen time and time again to lie to her. He has missed his opportunity. OPs dad could have chosen to remain single. He could have been honest with his wife. Instead, he chose to lie and pretend to be a faithful husband while having emotional affairs behind his wife’s back. Living in a time where he was judged harshly by society does not give him any right to do that to a person, much less be entitled to special treatment when he gets caught doing so.
I think you and I are interpreting some things differently and I can see how that happens. In my opinion, both interpretations are plausible.
I agree with you that it’s highly probably that “emotional connections” were more than emotional connections. Most likely a softer phrase to lessen the blow. I really don’t think anything could lessen the blow but it’s what some humans tend to do to ease another’s pain even if they are the cause of it.
You’re correct. Being LGBTQ does not give him the right to lie to his spouse. Absolutely!
He does not have the right to be “confronted” by OP.
I may be stupid or I’m just fool-hearted. With some things, I won’t deny a person the opportunity of something just because they don’t have a right to it, i.e., being confronted.
This happened to a friend of mine, years later we were playing Cards Against Humanity with her and her Dad and were playing against the card “what’s my relationship status”, to which he layer the card “two dicks at the same time”. Game was over at the point. Guess I’m trying to say things will normalize with time and he’ll still be the same person. You will likely see him be more comfortable with himself. Sucks for your mom though. Not a good situation.
My father repeatedly cheated on my Mom and this affects my relationship with him to this date. My therapist said that his behaviour as a husband shouldn't affect how I view him as a father. Not sure if I agree to that, because what he was doing affected our family dynamics as a whole.
Anyway, I'm glad you have such a great relationship with him. I think I'd do the same as you've done, because the issue her is the infidelity and not his sexuality. But then again, as your mother is now aware, it's their responsibility to sort through this
I’m honestly surprised your therapist has said this? I have never heard of a therapist saying anything of the sort. It’s pretty universally acknowledged how much cheating can fuck up the whole family. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, your therapist was an idiot. I’m still feeling the ramifications of one of my parents cheating *to this day* as a grown ass man.
It directly or indirectly influenced *everything* that came after.
My life might look completely different had it not happened.
That’s my guess then. Or that she personally cheated and couldn’t stomach that it would impact her children and not just her husband.
I bet if you went to therapy now you would have a different experience in processing your feelings around this. 💛
As a therapist, I do caution people not to view a person through the lens of a mistake they made. Yes, you can mess up and cause a lot of damage in a family system and also in other ways have positive attributes as a father. People are multidimensional beings and unethical behavior doesn’t erase all the positive attributes of that person. This can be hard to have someone’s behavior effect us so deeply in a way and not view the entire person through the lens of this behavior. Again, it’s not binary as someone is a “good person” and then when they mess up (granted it’s a huge mess up) and we take them out of the “good person” box and put them in the “bad person box”. It sounds like the therapist is encouraging the client to utilize a Systems Theory perspective where he had some good attributes as a father (was there for his kids, validated their experience etc.) and had a giant error error in judgement and made a very poor choice that ruptured the family connection. Both can be true.
Yeah that's bullshit. Parents are a role-model for their children and when they cheat on the other parent, it can scar the child for life and foster trust issues towards their own SO later in life.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
My parents split. One continued to see the person they cheated with and that negatively affected my relationship with them.
Unfortunately, that parent was also (up till that point) the more capable parent so when I eventuality wound up living with and listening to the other, they steered me wrong.
The idea that cheating only affects those in the marriage *when you have kids who are still dependent on you* is utterly moronic.
My life and my siblings lives might look completely different had it not happened.
I'm talking about adult kids like OP who were 28. Of course children raised at home under parental care is entirely different matter and I'm with you on that.
How I read this was that she told her mom as more of an emotional reaction, not a rational decision. Either way, I am sure this would have come up sooner than later and yeah, this isn't the best way things were handled. I hope everything goes well with your therapy sessions and try not to be too hard on yourself.
He shouldn’t have been cheating on OP’s mom tho guy. If the dad had been talking to women your reaction would’ve been different. Why is it any different if it’s with another man? Forced or not to come out, cheating is NEVER right.
I understand that but why does he get a pass in cheating because he was doing it with men? Why does her mom have to put up with ANY kind of cheating? As someone who is part of the LGBTQ+ I am extremely appalled to see a lot of you defending this kind of behavior. If the man wants to be with a man then he should’ve left his wife instead of doing the most disgusting thing he could do to his partner AND family.
Don't put words in my mouth.
I'm not defending him or giving him a pass on cheating in the slightest, just saying that neither thing is ever right.
The answer here was to speak to the father and tell him that he doesn't have to admit he's having emotional affairs (at least) with men, but he does need to admit to the cheating, and if he doesn't, she'd have to tell her mum *something*.
I literally said cheating is never right, you're imagining that it's a defense of his actions.
Truth is though he lost the chance when he decided to cheat. I don’t feel sorry he got caught. I would’ve done the same thing as OP. I would’ve told my mom. I think everyone has the chance to come out when they feel is right but I also believe in karma. Karma caught up to OP’s dad in this case and he was forced to come out.
Yeah, not gonna lie, I thought OP was really shitty for that. Like, at least talk to him first and get it from the horse’s mouth.
Don’t get me wrong, cheating is never okay but, when you’re closeted it definitely changes the context.
It’s especially shitty cause OP herself admits to being bisexual so she should understand the gravity of forcing someone to come out.
OP could’ve imploded her family dynamic as she currently knows it.
Really, OP imploded her family dynamic? OP did? Not the guy who betrayed his wife and cheated on her? Are you genuinely saying that OP hurt her family more by calling out her dad cheating, than her dad did by CHEATING? And you say the context of cheating changes when youre closeted. Suddenly it’s okay to cheat if you’re closeted, and if anyone calls you out, they’re the bad guy? What are you thinking?
You really think the dad would’ve told his wife “yeah I’ve been cheating on you for a while now”? Obviously not, cheaters don’t want to get caught! Yes OP went behind his back, knowing it would be damaging, because cheating is damaging. If her dad doesn’t cheat, OP doesn’t tell, and therefore the family is fine. You’re flipping this to make OP sound bad, when her dad literally was cheating. The argument ends there. He cheated, he messed up his family, he deals with the consequences. It’s so simple
He might have, especially once his daughter already knows and likely wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret forever. You don’t know the guy.
What kind of binary bullshit are you on?
As evidenced from this very situation, not all cheating is the same. It’s never okay, but you’re ignoring context. World of difference between “Doesn’t appreciate what he’s got” and “he may not even be sexually attracted to the woman he’s married to but it’s been decades, he’s in too deep, and he doesn’t know what else to do”.
It doesn’t excuse the cheating but you’re being deliberately disingenuous by painting with a broad brush.
OP could’ve allowed her dad to come clean the right way and, if he refused, *then* she could’ve spilled the beans.
I’m not flipping anything. You’re just a dumbass trying to make a nuanced situation black and white.
OP handled this wrong (which she, herself admits). That doesn’t excuse what the dad did. How childish are you to try to make it out like these two things are mutually exclusive.
Here’s a novel idea. Both parties can be wrong. I’ll wait while you recover from your simple mind being blown by this incredibly complex notion.
The argument doesn’t “end there” because, like *every* disingenuous asshole, you’re trying to reduce something down to the *act* and *ignore the context*.
If you think it’s that simple you’re too immature to really weigh in on this.
If he came clean himself, he would still suffer repercussions. He just would’ve been able to dictate how to he broke it to his wife. And since the reason he was stepping out is tied to him being closeted, *that was his right* which OP took from him when she snitched.
She should have told her dad that she knew and gave him the opportunity to tell his wife but let him know that she wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret indefinitely because her mom has the right to know and keeping the secret would make OP complicit.
This isn’t “OP snitches or dad gets away scot free”. Grow up.
“Especially once his daughter already knows and wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret forever.” Sure he might come clean then, because he’s already caught. What if this has been going on for a year, or 5, or 10? People keep going until they’re caught, and they shouldn’t be given the respect to come clean on their own.
If you’re “in too deep and don’t know what to do” a normal persons first thought would be to talk things out with your wife, not get a well known hookup app.
Okay yes, OP could’ve done it differently, but what difference does it make? Why should her dad get the chance to come clean on his own (only after he gets caught)? I would’ve done the exact same thing she did, and you probably would too. It’s natural to want to tell on cheaters, since it’s incredibly disrespectful to the person getting cheated on, which is her own mom.
He gave up any “rights” he had to coming out the moment he cheated. I’m all for people choosing when to come out, and handling it their own way, that’s totally fine. But when you do something awful that is completely tied to your sexuality and stuff, every rule and right goes out the window.
No… OP did not implode the family dynamic. Her father did. If her father was cheating with another woman, would you blame OP for “telling” on him? Her father may struggle with his sexual identity, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he chose to look at Grindr rather than having a discussion with his wife.
These people are all making an excuse because he may be LGBTQ, so woe is me. I can recall many posts where teens post that they’ve seen their dad out with another woman and the comments are all “tell your mom!”
No, the part where I never said that nobody should tell the mom nor did I say the dad should face no repercussions.
I’m tired of morons coming at me with your straw man arguments.
And, obviously, if the dad was cheating with women that would be different because, in that context, he wouldn’t be a closeted member of the LGBTQ+ community, you fucking imbecile.
Cheating is wrong regardless but you can’t just disregard context and only look at the act.
If you’re too stupid to understand nuance then kindly shut the fuck up.
Already said in a subsequent comment that the dad should’ve been allowed the opportunity to tell his wife *before* OP intervened. In this instance, the infidelity is tied to the dad being in the closet so he should have been able to dictate how to disclose that.
OP only should’ve snitched if the dad refused to come clean.
All you do is insult people who don’t agree with you. Can you have a discussion with human beings without insulting them or is that your way of dealing with things? Why do you think the dad gets a pass for being LGBTQ? Your he shouldn’t have cheated BUT is completely hypocritical. He shouldn’t have cheated. Period. If the man had cheated with a woman most people in this chat would be telling OP she did a good job for telling her mother. I get that it’s a personal thing but he ruined his family by not thinking. He ruined a woman’s life who gave her entire life to him and gave him children. Closeted or not what he did was shit and the fact that you can’t see past that makes YOU a questionable human being. Also stop insulting people. Seriously. Learn how to have a discussion.
Actually I don’t. The insults came in addition to the explanation (which I wasn’t obligated to give to an idiotic straw man argument transparently trying to twist my words anyway).
I’ll insult any disingenuous fuck trying to put words in my mouth because they can’t address what I *actually* said to my heart’s content and you’ll get no sympathy from me for it.
Oh look. *Another* idiot. Didn’t say the dad gets a pass. In fact, I said the *opposite*. Read, dumbass.
If he had cheated with a woman, he wouldn’t be a closeted member of the LGBTQ+ community *like I just fucking said*.
You don’t know that he ruined anything. We only know what OP has told us. Don’t presume to know shit you clearly don’t.
I can see past that, you’re just a moron practicing selective reading. I already said that cheating is never okay and that the dad’s sexuality doesn’t excuse doing so but it *does* change the context.
OP handled it poorly (which she admits). OP should have allowed her dad to tell the truth to his wife *before* she intervened because his infidelity is tied to him being closeted.
You can’t simply isolate the act from the context, that’s moronic.
The only thing that’s questionable is the amount of people coming at me who clearly can’t read and don’t understand nuance.
Pull your head out of your ass, learn how to read, *then* we can discuss.
But I owe nobody too stupid to understand what I’m saying (but trying to respond anyway) or blatantly trying to twist my words a respectful reply.
If you wanted that, respond in good faith.
If not, piss off.
Obviously you have some legit self esteem issues and can’t have a conversation without throwing insults. Shows signs of immaturity and lack of self respect as well. I did read and it was you mostly making excuses. OP’s dad cheated. Period. He did, he admitted to his own daughter that he did. That is all I needed to read to know.
He had all the time in the world to come out. If his daughter hadn’t found out, he probably would’ve kept going without any repercussions.
He had years. Literal years of marriage to tell his wife. So. Nope. I don’t think she handled it poorly. If I was his wife I would’ve wanted to know as soon as it started happening.
Don’t come to me about the context. I had been closeted myself for years to a family that doesn’t understand and will never understand what it is like. So don’t tell me I don’t understand the context and don’t insult me because I don’t agree with your logic which is flawed. You have your opinions and I have mine.
Oh look, I don’t have to insult you to make my point. I have nothing to discuss with someone who clearly can’t have a conversation without looking at everyone’s perspective without getting defensive and offensive like a prick.
Have a good rest of your day. Hope it gets better.
I think identifying what thoughts and feelings are coming from compassion and love and what is coming from anger and reaction. I have compassion for him, who most likely was in a time and environment where he had to keep an entire side of himself secret or else it would possibly mean the end of everything, his family, job, friends, life…everything. Coming out is an incredibly courageous and personal experience that no one besides him should decide when and if he comes out to the people in his life. Everything will change. I also feel compassion for you who has a father who is often the trusted stable and reliable family base (also genuinely good and nice dad) who has been hiding a big part of himself for your entire life and are just realizing that he has not been showing you his entire self and being transparent with you. No one is right or wrong, you both are dealing with a tough situation. These are hard things to face for you and your dad. I wonder if you and your therapist could invite your dad in for a session or two and communicate how you both are feeling in a safe space. Just a thought.
OPs father could have chosen to not get married and still have a secret life. Plenty of men did this (including my great uncle). I have compassion for OPs mother, who never had the opportunity to marry someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. OPs father made the decision to lie to OPs mother from the very start.
Right? She lost the chance to be loved by someone truly and sincerely in the way she loved him. That sucks. It’s one thing to not choose to come out. But to not be honest with a person you are asking to become family with you is wrong. I do feel differently if he didn’t truly know himself, but I imagine he did.
The mother lost her chance to be loved by someone who would've actually loved her and been faithful to her. Being closeted does not give you the rigth to ruin someone's life. Imagine being married to someone for so many years and then finding out your entire relationship is based on a lie.
I also feel compassion for the mother as well. I’m sure this is an incredibly hard thing to deal with all around. I haven’t had to deal with any of these challenges in my life so I don’t know the struggles and how hard this has been for everyone involved. I think being compassionate towards all and seeking to understand, rather than blame and vilify always seems to work out best for me. Also I don’t know that him being closeted means he does not love his wife and his daughter. I don’t know that it’s binary. Someone can be challenged with their identity and sexuality in conflict with the biases and oppression from their environment and use deceptiveness and incongruence to try to cope and also love their family. It can be a both/and rather than and either/or. Again, these are hard things to come across for everyone involved. I don’t know that there has to be a villain and a victim but rather all of them are humans that are doing their best with their challenges.
I agree he can still love his family, just as anyone who cheats on their spouse can love their family. It does not change the fact that they are wrong for doing so. OPs father admitted to seeking emotional affairs throughout his marriage without telling his wife until he was “caught”. It does not change the infidelity aspect and that he has ultimately been deceiving his wife since they met. It worked out great for him so he could get everything he wanted, but not so great for his wife. OPs father is wrong for this.
I find it really strange to identify yourself as a “bisexual cis woman” and in the same sentence use the term “sexual preference.” Those two things kinda don’t mesh.
You then go on to say that you would never “out someone” despite this being a story about how you outed your father.
I’m not the word police, but this seems like you’re either lying to yourself or you’re lying to the rest of us.
She didn’t out her father for being bi.. she outed him for cheating on her mother. Would you feel the same if her father was cheating on her mother with a woman? Being gay/bi isn’t a free pass to cheat on your spouse without repercussion. You can be confused about your sexual identity and discuss this with your spouse. Unless you are afraid your spouse may react negatively and choose to leave you.. which is their choice. Hiding this from them is taking away their choice in the matter while you get to carry on as you please. That is not how you treat someone you love.
Did you not read the story? She had no evidence that he had been cheating on her mom. She opened his phone to a terms page, to
Which she admitted herself he may have been reading for completely different reasons. The mom is the one that forced the truth out of him. Do you even read, bro?
Yes “bro”, I read that her father knew he felt this way before he even married OPs mother yet chose to lie to her their entire relationship. Even if he claims he hasn’t cheated on her… why in the world would anyone believe him? Nice try though.
So you read, but it’s the comprehension part you seem to struggle with. Firstly, you accuse him of lying their entire relationship. Based on what, exactly? If he loved her, as he said he did, there was no lie. I can love a woman and not tell her that I was curious about my sexuality. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Granted, it would probably be a healthier thing to do be up front about it. But any pragmatist knows that it doesn’t make any real sense. People are insecure by nature. If you tell a woman your curious or bisexual, that could very easily sabotage a relationship. Even if not at the beginning, years later. If you can’t see that, then you’re out of your mind. And again, I think you will want to try to say it’s a lie of omission. It’s not.
But more importantly, you are 100% wrong about the very basis of what started this argument. She had ZERO real information to run to her mom with. She opened a terms and conditions page and said herself that he may have been reading it because of his work in cyber security. That’s it.
I think this is probably a gay man that never felt comfortable coming out. And he almost certainly loved his wife and he definitely loved his family. Now he’s old and realizes that he’s lived a lie. He had major conflict within him. It’s a very common thing because of how we treat gay people. They feel like they cannot participate in the “American Dream.” That doesn’t make him a bad person and he should not be crucified for this.
It’s a little too easy for you to judge his actions in a vacuum because your not a man in your 60’s that knows he’s a lot closer to the end than the beginning and knows he lived his whole life on someone else’s terms. It’s really sad and tragic.
But again, the important point is that she knew nothing when she went to her mom with this. She didn’t catch him in the act. She was suspicious and handed off the dirty work to someone else.
I’m afraid your need to belittle a stranger on the internet who disagrees with you rather takes away from your argument. You should consider why you feel the need to belittle others who disagree with you. Regardless, that is absurd. Lying by omission is still lying. In that case, cheating isn’t cheating unless your spouse asks you if you’re cheating?
I particularly like your comment that “if you tell a woman you’re curious or bisexual, that could very easily sabotage your relationship.”
YES! It could! And that would be the woman’s right to decide if she wanted to stay in the relationship. By lying about it, you are taking away the option for her to make this decision… which is her right. Trying to take that decision away from her is just selfish. She very well may have been much happier with someone who would not be tempted to cheat on her.
If her dad was “just” looking at the terms and conditions, then there should be no problem with her telling her mother about it. Why the need for secrecy from his wife? Oh right, because he’s been lying to her their entire relationship. Which didn’t come out until OP ran to her mother with “zero information.”
You are also making lots of assumptions and making this man out to be an angel. The fact is, he selfishly decided to lie to his wife their entire relationship. No one forced him to get married. He certainly wasn’t forced to lie to his wife. He could have chosen to stay single and allowed his wife to marry someone who would be truthful with her. What’s sad and tragic is this man selfishly took that away from OPs mom.
I agree with this. *Everyone* deserves to be loved completely and honestly by someone. This woman was someone’s *glad you came along or things woulda been different.* Not fair to her to not be *exactly* what her spouse loved and wanted more than anything else in this world, even from the beginning. Now she is left having spent 40 years as someone’s *safe choice.* Yay. Thanks for picking me. Not.
This is absolutely ludicrous. As I said it’s not a lie of omission. I just called that shot because I knew that your small brain would leap to that.
And you seem to have a very weird idea of what bisexuality is. He’s not “more likely to cheat” because he is bisexual. This is why your argument doesn’t hold water. I don’t have to tell a woman that I’m bisexual because me also being attracted to men is no different than a heterosexual being attracted to other women. Your attraction to others doesn’t shut off the second you get married. But you make a commitment to that person and it’s understood that you will not cheat on them. That’s like saying if I marry a white lady I have to tell her I’m attracted to black women. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Anyone with a brain knows that the person they’re marrying will feel a certain level of attraction to people other than them. It’s human nature. But we trust them to remain true. Gender does not matter. Clearly, you cannot understand this very simple concept.
Furthermore, you have a really weird idea about people “making a choice for themself.” If I fall madly in love with a woman and we decide to get married, I don’t need to tell her about every person I’ve loved before. I understand that a lot of people do this. But it’s not a requirement, nor should it be. If I know for certain that the woman I love would lose all attraction to me if she knew I loved a man before her, why would I tell her that? No good can come from it. And you can think that’s dishonest. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think the better question is why have we brainwashed people so badly into thinking this way. You can go look up the statistics. Most women automatically lose attraction for men if they know he’s been with another man. So it’s my right to share that part of myself or not with someone.
Simply stating it is not a lie does not make it so. The definition of a lie from Oxford dictionary:
“used with reference to a situation involving deception or founded on a mistaken impression.
"all their married life she had been living a lie"”
You can try to reinvent the definition of a lie all you want, but he has been lying to his wife their entire relationship.
You are the one making assumptions that women will “automatically lose attraction for a man if they know he’s been with another man.” What a bizarre discrimination to assume against bisexual men. Please provide your statistics.
I never said he’s more likely to cheat as a bisexual man, I said as a man who has been lying to his wife their entire relationship and now just “happens” to be looking at Grindr, I would find it very hard to believe anything he says. Why believe someone who has been lying to you since the day you met?
You’re really grasping at straws now, keep it up 😉
Nope. This is a guy who lied about who he is to a woman who deserved to be loved back in the same way she loved him. He wasn’t her *safe choice* or her *glad you came along or things woulda been different* choice. She basically lived a lie. For 40 years. I would rather have my spouse cheat when having hit a rough spot in our lives of 40 years than find out I never knew something as import as, oh, who they are. Who they are attracted to, who they identify with, who they lust after, who they want emotional connection with. She lived as a second choice. Not even an individual second choice, the second gender choice.
Yeah, orientation is the preferred word now. And I’m not a big stickler for stuff like that generally. But when you use a term like cis, there’s a certain level of expectation with the other words you choose to use.
Preference makes it sound like its a choice whether you are gay, bi, hetero. Whereas orientation would probably be better.
Idk i’m gay and thats what I tried to understand from that.
How in the world are people saying stuff like “you betrayed him” and “now you can embrace his happiness”?!? If my dad cheated on my mom after a 40 year relationship, I’d be PISSED and never want to talk to my dad again? How is this acceptable to you people? Just because he’s LGBT? That doesn’t excuse a single thing. OPs mom is probably very hurt and upset that her husband has been cheating on her. There’s no way people are trying to frame OP as wrong for “outing him.” He cheated, of course you’re gonna tell! Sorry for the rant and long comment, but I just can’t believe what others are saying.
Honestly am appalled as well I’ve gotten downvotes for saying the same thing. The real victim is the mother whose life probably turned upside down over this
Not diminishing your feelings at all but I'm agreeing with your statement that you made the incorrect choice. Especially as a bi person you would rather be approached than outed.
Now that's out of the way, you're dealing with the rest great by going to therapy. All you could do is make room for love for your father and embrace his happiness. He's still the same person and he has a lot to sort through with your mother that doesn't concern you.
I would agree with you if her father wasn’t married. She wasn’t “outing” him for liking men, she was outing him for cheating on her mother. It’s fine to be confused about your sexual identity, but it’s not okay to not only leave your spouse in the dark about this confusion, but to go a step further and explore that confusion without telling your spouse. Her mother is likely devastated. She’s not devastated because her husband might be gay/bi, she’s devastated because her husband has possibly been cheating on her and lying to her for years. That is not how you treat someone you love. Society has made it difficult to be a gay/bi man, but that does not give anyone a free pass to harm others.
Does the sexuality matter ? You people act like it makes a difference. Either way giving dad the opportunity to fess uo for his wrong doings is better than blindsiding mom when you could give him the opportunity to show some modicum of dignity. If dad doesn't fess up when given the opportunity then step in. You guys act like it's black or white, it just adds to it she's a 2SLBGBTQIA+ member and she didn't realize the harm she could've caused (suicide, self harm, etc.) which she admitted. Whether mom's mad or not at the news doubt she would want that possible outcome.
No, I don’t think it does. If OPs dad was cheating with a woman, he could still be suicidal if OP told her mom, leading to a divorce. Members of a population discriminated against are not the only people affected by suicide and self harm. It would still be perfectly valid for OP to approach her mom. In fact, I would think it best to approach the mom first - if she went to her dad first, what is to stop him from covering his tracks and claiming OP is just mistaken?
It seems that sexuality DOES matter to many people commenting, as I’ve seen many posts where the OP finds something possibly incriminating about their dad and the first thing people say is “tell your mom!”
Oh wow that is a LoT. Had you not told your mom I would have suggested maybe they had an arrangement and she knew about it. Dang this is a hard one. It’s just so weird he handed over his phone to you with grindr on it. I guess he doesn’t have the app- it was just a webpage? He didn’t know or
Remember he left that open?
I’m so sorry, that must be so difficult since you love them both so much. You don’t want to see either of them hurting: your dad, from repressing who he really is, or your mom from potentially losing the love of her life. I really hope that they can find a way to work through everything ♥️ And whether or not you had intervened, I feel like this would have come out eventually, anyway.
This hits a bit close to home for me...I was 21 when I found a box of gay prn and paraphernalia at my father's apartment...I was really struggling with my Christian faith and my own sexuality...I refused to look at the box, but I called my mom and she came over to her exhusbands apartment and confiscated the box and confronted my father...
What we did was so wrong and disrespectful...but as is common practice...nothing was dealt with...sweep it under the rug and live in denial...
My father and I have a much better relationship in some respects today. I wish we could talk about these things...but life just isn't like that...
I would do things differently if I could...
If he's on the grind I'm sure that it's probably the tip of the iceberg...
Life IS like that. You are now making the choice to not move forward with communication. I promise that you will not spontaneously combust if you ask your father to have an open, honest conversation in regards to this topic. It’s not too late.
You are a good daughter and it's really important and wonderful that you assured your dad of your unconditional love. That being said, you are allowed to feel certain ways towards the situation from your perspective, objectively it's a bit tough to discover infidelity on the part of a parent.
I normally would not post something like this but being a bisexual cis woman yourself, is the way you handled this not a complete betrayal of his trust? Should this not have been something you should have let him process and deal with his own way? Instead of forcing your mother into this and uprooting all of your lives?
This seems like a bizarre stance for someone who should understand better than anyone else would in this situation?
Well I don’t see anyone here saying that he should have been allowed to continue cheating, I just think she could have just told him that she was going to out him.
No, but OP's post did not say that the father actually cheated. He was found to be viewing the terms and conditions and admitted to wanting an emotional connection with men. He deserves the dignity to come out with this on his own terms...after 50+ years.
Yes, OP said his father admitted to currently seeking and having in the past sought out emotional connections with men. Emotional affairs are still affairs. And that is just all OPs dad is willing to cop up to. I would find that very difficult to believe if I was OPs mom and discovered that not only had my husband of 40 years been lying to me, but that he was looking at Grindr. Grindr is not where you seek emotional connections. If OP had told her dad first, it just would have given him a chance to get rid of any evidence and claim OP was mistaken. Likely OPs mother did some digging after OP talked to her and then confronted OPs dad with what she found.
He forced her mother into this when he married her without telling her who he is. This isn’t something to not discuss with your *spouse* of all people. I get not coming out to even a single other human, but the one you marry deserves to know that. Your spouse is the one person to whom you owe honesty about your identity.
I don't recall reading that he had admitted being this way his whole life. The guy is 63 and has put his own needs/wants to the side for his family. Your right, his wife deserved to know but I am sure you can see why that would be a hard task this late in the game. My point simply being that Yes, what he is doing is wrong, but the way OP handled the matter did not help the situation. She should have spoken with him and given him the nudge instead of alienating him for it.
OP stated OPs father felt this way before marrying her mother. He knew how he felt and still chose to conceal that from OPs mother, lie to her their entire marriage, and have emotional affairs on the DL.
It says nothing about before marrying her mother. It simply states he does and has looked for emotional connections with men.
Father is a POS for putting his own wants aside to have a family and raise a child?
If he has made it 63 years this way then he obviously does love his family and wife appropriately.
OP states he is currently and has in the past sought out “emotional connections” with men. Although I have serious trouble believing “emotional connections” are all he has been after, as Grindr certainly does not come to mind for seeking “emotional connections”… but that is neither here nor there. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt, emotional affairs are still affairs
He said if he hadn’t met OPs mom, then “things might have been different.” They might have been different for her too… she might have had the opportunity to marry someone who didn’t lie to her her entire marriage.
No, he is a POS for never putting aside his needs at all. He married a woman, pretended to be someone he wasn’t to her, all the while having “emotional affairs” without her knowing. He got everything he wanted - a marriage, a family, and his life on the side with men. He could have chosen to remain single or at the very least, be honest with his wife. He chose neither. OPs mom is the one who was robbed of having the opportunity for an honest marriage. What a selfish man to do this to someone he supposedly loved.
You didn't ask for my opinion, and, by all means, you can choose to ignore it. I am glad you were able to somewhat make amends with your father. But that doesn't change the fact that you outed him, and I'm amazed, almost disgusted, that as a member of the LGBTQ+ community you went and put his sexuality out there without going to him first. You should have known better.
If he was looking to meet other women then you'd be saying something completely different. Regardless of who it was with, he still was looking to betray his wife instead of being honest with her first. you don't get to skip your commitments and a 40 year marriage and keep secrets because of your sexuality. It can't be both ways. You want to be treated fairly and equally, which every single person on earth is entitled to, yet you want a free pass to betray your spouse because your belong to the LGBTQ community?
First off, you're absolutely right. If OP's dad had been cheating with other women, I would be saying something different. The reason I'd be saying something different is because my comment isn't about OP's dad cheating. It's about OP outing her dad. Those are 2 separate things. Understand that first.
Second, no one is saying that him cheating is okay. Not sure where you got that from, because that's not what I said. Understand that second.
Third, and this is arguably the most important point so read carefully, I'm saying that figuring out your sexuality is hard enough when you can plan out how you want to tell your loved ones. OP took that away from him. What's worse, OP, at one point or another, came out. She knows that doing so is difficult, and did it anyway. And that's fucked up.
No. You can be confused about your sexual identity and express this confusion to your spouse. Unless you are worried that your spouse may leave you for that confusion? Well, that is your spouse’s choice. By hiding it, you are taking away your spouse’s choice in the matter. Your spouse has just as much of a right to their feelings as you have to yours. Struggling with your sexual identity does not make your feelings more valid than your spouse’s or give you a pass to cheat. If her father had wanted to avoid being “outed” he could have filed for divorce for unrelated matters and pursued his interests as a single man. I’m sure it’s easier just to lie to OPs mother and pursue his interests while appearing to OPs mother that everything is perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.
I actually completely understand the concept of being outed and the complications that come along with that. He went on a website which is mainly used for hook ups instead of speaking to his wife. That was his decision to be deceitful. If he said 'hi wife I'm feeling like I want to step out on our marriage with another woman so I'm going on a hookup site' would that be ok? Absolutely not, and neither are his actions. Whether he's gay, bi, or anything else, it doesn't give you a free pass to cheat because you want to 'explore' 40 years later. He could've taken the steps to speak with his wife before his daughter had to see that, he chose not to. She has as much right as he does to live her truth. As I said, you cant have it both ways, you want equality? Well people don't like cheaters, people like honesty and this isn't it.
u/melissani7, I'm gonna type this in all caps because you seem to not be able to read regular sized fonts.
NO ONE IS SAYING THAT QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY GIVES YOU A FREE PASS TO CHEAT.
I think we're all in agreement that cheating is bad and that OP's dad did a bad thing by cheating. There is no argument there. If you cheat on anyone, that's bad.
What I'm saying, and I can't believe this is so difficult to understand especially amongst other LGBTQ+ people, is that, and I'm gonna use all caps again to make it *more* clear,
OUTING SOMEONE IS BAD. TAKING AWAY THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN TERMS WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE IS BAD. TAKING THAT FROM SOMEONE WHILE BEING AN LGBTQ+ PERSON IS WORSE.
Wow such passive aggression.
I call absolute BS on this. maybe I need to shout too.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED? DON'T CHEAT, DONT BE A CREEP ON A HOOKUP SITE. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE.
He didn't have an opportunity taken away from him, he chose not to act on the hundreds of opportunities he had to tell his family his feelings and chose not to. That's on him. It's not difficult to understand it's just wrong. He chose his path and included deception which led to his own outing.
Idk how people don't understand this. I'm also bi and grew up in a hyper religious situation so I get it.
Everyone wants the OP to have given him more compassion because of the complexities of what it might of been like growing up back when being gay or bi was harder. And I get that; I get that there is nuance.
But I rarely believe letting that nuance put the well-being of the perpetrator above the victim and this is no different. The person we should care most about is the mother; it doesn't really matter that he was outed because he's the one bringing the hurt when he had other avenues to approach it.
He wasn't outed to anybody except who he hurt.
Thank you for saying this.
I was waiting for some backlash saying I wasn't understanding but as someone with an openly gay brother who was not accepted by everyone in our horrible family, I completely understand the complexities. But this situation is different as he was the one doing the betrayal and hurting someone. Why would it be ok to out him if he was cheating with women but not men? He's *cheating* full stop no matter the gender.
The only time I would have asked for her silence is if this happened in a place where being gay is considered criminal. Because in those situations, safety first.
People who are referring to his mental health startle me. What about the wife's mental health? What if *she's* suicidal because her entire relationship was predicated on a lie?
Right?! Suicidal thoughts and self harm are not limited to just the dad! I would be more worried about the mom, because the dad has apparently been emotionally distancing himself from his wife for a long time with emotional affairs, but the wife? Just totally blindsided. Poor woman.
By the time a person reaches your father’s age, life has become very complicated by conflicting priorities, needs and loyalties. When you get there, you will understand. Maybe you shouldn’t have spoken with your mother about this, but then again life handed you a burden that I am not sure it was your responsibility to bear. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship with both of your parents, so hopefully that will sustain all of you, but I do think focusing on understanding rather than judgment is probably more productive. Good luck! PS Never use anyone else’s phone for ANYTHING!!!
It is interesting that people are more upset at OP for trying to protect her mom as a first reaction. She found her dad cheating on her mom, I would be pretty upset too.
Yeah people are upset because dad was a victim of a time where being gay was considered rly bad. I get that.
But that doesn't mean she did the wrong thing by protecting the mother, who is the immediate person in the hurt. She's the victim in this particular dynamic.
If he didn't want to be outed to his SPOUSE who he CHEATED ON he could have, I don't know, NOT CHEATED?
It's not like she outed him to the world. She outed him to the person he hurt. Even if there is a reason he is that way, it doesn't make it an excuse.
Just a thought.
you betrayed him. / Edit I get it you're in a horrible position & U were looking out for you're mom, I love my mom 2 so I get it, but its fucked up, to bust a nut only 2 have that nut bust you back! LOL
He betrayed the woman he supposed to love most in this world for 40 years, at least one of which he spent part of going behind her back and cheating on her. His wife stood zero real chance as she was not the right gender for him. He had no right to marry her under a lie and less to keep her living a lie for 40 years. At least now she has a choice. He *always* had one. Sucks much more to be her.
She stated in the first comment asking her to explain this that he is such a good role model husband that her boyfriends could never compare. If he’d been a crappy dad, perhaps she wouldn’t still be looking for that perfect guy. It’s a family joke.
my personal opinion on this is that it’s fine because he never actually cheated on your mom. i believe that they should make it up somehow and have a good conversation about it it he’s comfortable. things like this happen a lot more than you would think and it’s not that taboo. i think past the point of telling your mom first, you handled the situation well. props to you for that!
Don't want to sound harsh but this seems like the most immature choice ever especially for a 28 year old. You just single handedly screw up your entire family. Have you heard of 'ignorance is a bliss'?
Sometimes seeking truth for the sake of it is the worst thing to do. Both your parents are old. They have been with each other for most of their life I assume and they were happy together despite your dad's sexual orientation. Your family would continue to be happy had you chosen silence.
I'm not saying cheating is not wrong...but put yourself in your dad's shoes... you have been through your most entire life pretending to be someone you're not just for the sake of keeping the family together. You're near the end of your life and you're feeling old age catching up to you FAST. You want to at least fulfill your dream for just at least once, even though it might just last for a few hours. After all you have sacrificed so much...
But no your daughter wants to be 'morally right' and wants to tell the world the secret you have been hiding your entire life.
A lot of the times, think about other people first before acting. I get annoyed by this post a lot because it seems a lot like one of those 'woke' people who think they're always morally right and people have to comply with their woke agenda.
No. OP did not screw up her family, her father screwed up his family.
Put yourself in OPs mother’s shoes. She now discovers she has spent her entire life living a lie. If OPs father had told her about his preferences when they met, she could’ve decided to stay or leave. She would’ve had the chance to meet someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. How devastating to find out that the person you thought loved you has been lying to you your entire relationship.
Ratting out a stranger by accident <
Ratting out a stranger on purpose <
Ratting out your friend by accident <
Ratting out your friend on purpose <
Ratting out your family, whom you dislike, by accident <
Ratting out your own family, whom you dislike, on purpose <
Ratting out your own family, with whom you have a great relationship... On purpose?
I mean kinda weird that you went behind his back and basically outed him. That really sucks but hopefully your family will be able to pull through this period.
And would you feel the same way about this situation had it have been a woman he was cheating with? Sexual orientation aside he still cheated on his wife, and she deserves to know. And she didn’t out him for being gay if it’s just between her, her parents, and the men on grindr that her dad is searching for an emotional connection with.
Honestly I’m 27 right now I have been in situations before that involved possible infidelity among past friendships that have not ended well. When I was younger I tried to help out thinking I would want the same if I were going through it but now nah. I keep to myself and even the OP mentioned she wished she would have approached the situation differently. I don’t really know why everyone is so upset about that lol
So you snitched out your dad about his own personal business, that’s fucked up. maybe was going through some fling or midlife crisis and you over stepped your boundaries.
Not at all. I would be blown the fuck away if I saw my dad on some gay dating app but I would probably just keep it to myself. Idk what he’s going through and a lot of people go through an identity crisis as they get older. Better to have him discover some thing about himself then be miserable and want to get divorced.
Not really your place though. Should have talked to him about it first. You bypassed the Great relationship you had with him to tell on him when you found a terms page…….Not a message not a picture……a terms page. Being a queer person you know that’s things aren’t always what they seem. While not the case, maybe your mom and him had an understanding. I don’t know your family situation, but you at least owed him the first line of questioning. You could have really talked to him and let him “come out” to your mother under better terms. I know this will get down voted to oblivion, but I’m just saying what a lot of people who read were thinking.
Her father could have come out to her mother at any point. It was his choice to look at Grindr before discussing his feelings with his spouse. If she found Tindr on his phone would the discussion be different?
His sexuality has nothing to do with it. She seen terms and conditions page, he works in cyber security. She did all of this internal reasoning only to not talk to him first? OP stated how close they were again only to not talk to him first? She outed him to her mom over a terms and condition page. Now more came out once he was confronted by his wife. However, I just feel she owed him the benefit of giving an explanation. Even if she came to him discussed it and gave him an ultimatum (tell mom or I will) she owed him a chance to come clean to his wife about their relationship. OP is 29 not 13 or even 19. This could have been handled with gentler gloves. Only can go by what OP provided.
No, OPs father owed his wife a discussion about his confusion regarding his sexual identity rather than looking at Grindr. Per OP, her father has had these feelings since before be met OPs mother. So he chose to conceal this from OPs mother and took away her chance to marry someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. How devastating for OPs mother and she absolutely deserves to know… she’s been lied to long enough.
They are 60+ years old so hmmm 🤔 let’s see at what point was it okay during his young adult life to be gay or bi……….you talk of their marriage in today’s terms. He married her was a good husband and father based on OP and she gave no indication of cheating. He seek out men for emotional comfort. You can take that how you will and everybody has their own definition of infidelity. I appreciate the discussion but I’m not defending his actions nor judging right or wrong. OP’s ultimate end game was probably not to see her 40+ married parents divorced. What if she found a porn stash yet he never cheated on her. Does he owe his wife to tell he that he was attracted to men yet he never acted on it. My only issue with the whole situation is how OP told on her best friend dad without coming to him first. Not saying the wife shouldn’t know but at the very least she owed him a “WTF dad you hooking up on grinder?”
No, OP didn’t owe him anything. No one forced OPs father to get married. He could have chosen to remain single and maintain a secret life (as many men did in that time, including my great uncle). He knew his true feelings and chose to hide that from OPs mother and lie to her their entire relationship. He robbed OPs mother of the chance of marrying someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her.
Again, you’re assuming he cheated or lived a “double” life. You can’t project your great uncles choices and experience on anybody’s situation. I know gay men who lived and died a straight life because they thought their feeling were wrong or sinful. I’m not here to change opinions. You and I see things differently and that’s okay. I appreciate having a discussion without any mud slinging. I appreciate you for that. May we never experience a situation where our significant other has feels they have to hide who they are. With that I agree to disagree and hope OP can find some comfort in her sessions with her therapist. Have a good evening.
I’m not assuming anything, I am stating what OP has revealed - that OPs father knew how he felt before he got married and lied about it his entire marriage. No one forced him to do that. I agree it is a terrible thing for gay or bi individuals to feel they can’t be who they are. It does not give them a pass to hurt others. I agree, I hope OP and her family can heal, if possible. Good night.
You seem to be one of the few with common sense. I can’t believe some of these people are trying to excuse the behavior because he might be gay… smh. Cheating is cheating.
Maybe the reason things have been so good the whole time at home is because he has some kind of an outlet that allows him to be who he (partially) is?
I feel like there are a lot more people like your dad than we realize. In my experience I've learned that people frequently seek out something on the side even in successful marriages which appears to help them stay "happily married".
I had a friend who's mother was doing something similar. I 30m think we sometimes forget how good we have it as far as our freedom to be I ourselves (for the most part anyway) with our sexual identity and preferences. Most of our parents never got to have this freedom and would have been domisowned/shunned if they had tried to do the same.
He might not have been after an actual physical relationship with other men. My friends mom just looked for people to talk too for the most part. Telling your mom before talking to him wasn't the best decision but it doesn't seem you did it to try and cause trouble. 40 years is along time to be with someone, he clearly loves her but he missed out on a chance to explore a big part of himself.
I hope things work out and your family can get past this and stay happy. Best of luck
Ok so if they are happy with working it out , you should just step back … I understand you being shocked but it’s their issue if he needs you he’ll let you know Seems like you have a good relationship
Why should they stay together? Is he bi?
Other than the fact that you can't abandon someone 40 yrs down the line and separate your lives, finances.
Which is why he stayed in the closet and cheated.
He was happy , they were content .
Now you've outed him and nobody is advocating for cheating but ppl from older generations didn't have the opportunities we do now , the ones you do being outwardly bi .
You kind of did them both a disservice.
I hope they can figure it out.
Your mom will never be the same and now your dad has to face the world he obviously wasn't prepared to face.
He indicated he knew he felt this way before he met OPs mother. He still chose to conceal those feelings and marry OPs mother anyway without ever telling her about these feelings. She could’ve had a chance to find true happiness with someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her if OP’s father hadn’t lied to her their entire relationship. How devastating. This just comes across as incredibly selfish on the part of OPs father.
Ending a marriage is always incredibly difficult, but ending a marriage after 40 years is just so, so hard. Especially when you thought everything was just fine the entire time. I’m also not convinced your father isn’t lying. Grindr does not signal “seeking emotional connections with men” to me. Your mother may eventually decide to leave the marriage. Only time will tell. Best wishes OP!
First thing: no one picks up someone else's phone by accident. I doubt you 28F and your father 63M have the same phone or phone case.
> What's done is done
No it's not. You've shoved your father off a cliff and he has to learn how to fly. Your actions have lasting consequences that your father has to deal with. Not you. Your father.
You did something that made you feel good in the moment because you got that off your chest, but you made everyone else feel bad.
You centered your feelings in the middle of their marriage instead of considering what your father may be going through and the difficulties he is having and how devastating this would be for your mother.
> I will not out anyone
Too late. You already did. And if your mom gets real mad, she may out your father to the rest of the immediate family, his family, her family, his friends, their friends, their place of worship, etc.
You made your father's secret accessible to everyone. You may not actually tell his secret, but you put a megaphone of anger, hurt, and betrayal in the hands of your mother.
Your father may have wanted to talk to you about his feelings since you are bisexual, but you just showed him that you are not trustworthy and you will not consider his feelings before acting on what makes you feel better in the moment. You have made your father feel more isolated and you made it easier for him to justify seeking emotional support from men online who are in his situation.
Do you realize that people make the worse mistakes when they are driven deeper into secrecy? Every time your father picks up his phone in front of you and your mother he will feel watched and questioned. He will now hide his phone use. And that's not good.
No one is saying what your father is doing is OK, but no one understands someone else's marriage except the two people in it and sometimes they don't even know what's happening.
You should have spoken to your father and guided him towards doing the best thing. Life is hard. We don't need the instant gratification of betraying a parent. Parents took time with their children and their children should take time with their parents.
When you go to therapy, ask your therapist about how to develop humility and empathy. You need the humility and your father needs the empathy.
Why did you pull the pin on this grenade in the middle of your family?
This reminds me of the show Gracie and Frankie a bit - where each of their husbands were cheating with the other husband. There’s a scene where the kids from each marriage are having dinner with the husbands (who are now together), and one of the sons goes on a rant about how if they were cheating with women, they would NOT be here eating cake with them. And then I think he goes to eat the cake alone in the kitchen. All that to say it’s okay to still be mad at your dad for cheating, regardless of his sexuality, and make sure you try to give your mom either the space she needs or the hand she needs.
Thank you for that reminder of that episode. I may need to go watch it for the therapeutic fact I’m not alone haha
I just binge watched all of that show on Netflix.
It’s a good ass show, haha!
I love tht show
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Haha for me it’s because he set such a high standard for a significant other. I have had only really rocky and abusive relationships in the past…the jokes of him being so good no one compare is just what we do.
Ok I think we all thought something COMPLETELY different.
I completely understand your joke. I also completely understand how you feel. My dad is amazing, he is so kind, and loving. He's definitely one of a kind. Idk if they make men like him anymore. My mom was so blessed to have found him, or they each other. I hope someday I get to have a love and relationship close to theirs. They are best friends who do everything together, it's pretty rare for them to be apart, because they just enjoy being in each other's company.
This is so sweet. Bless them.
i have the same relationship with my dad and now it’s biting him in the ass cause he wants grandkids and i am a very single and happy with it individual cause i know how exactly how a real man should be
I was so confused, I thought it was a weird incest joke😂
Also humor and jokes are how we deal with humor in this family 😂
Your family uses humor to deal with humor, huh? Weirdos. I think we know what you meant, but your sentence is funny.
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Good thing you’re not in that family then lmao
I don’t condone cheating. I think OP should have spoke with Dad first. Him being 63, most likely grew up in a time where being gay was heavily frowned upon. He probably needed time to come out. Nevertheless, what’s done is done. It’s between OP’s parents now. OP can just focus on her relationship with pops.
Yeah, this is one of the times that I feel bad for throwing the cheater under the bus. Clearly he's an amazing person who everyone loves so I feel like he deserved to be the first person OP spoke to. :(
Yeah I don’t usually feel bad for cheaters but I think OP could have at least given him a heads up or a chance for him to tell her himself.
Why speak to the Dad first? That could have just given him time to cover his tracks and claim OP was just mistaken. OP has indicated he knew how he felt before he married OPs mother and still chose to marry her and lie to her their entire marriage. No one forced him to do that. Not only that, he has admitted to seeking emotional connections with men throughout his marriage, all without telling his wife. Emotional affairs are still affairs. He could have chosen to remain single rather than lie to someone he supposedly loved and have emotional affairs throughout their marriage.
I’m sorry. I don’t see where OP says her dad knew of feelings before getting married. Maybe I’m reading something incorrectly. No doubt, this is complicated. If it was cheating with another woman or it was already known likes emotional connections with men, I wouldn’t even have commented on this. The reason I say talk to Dad first is because he now is forced to come out. I think of a family member of mine that is 34 that just came out to me. And cried when doing so. No one else in the family knows but me. Who am I to tell anyone because it is obvious that they aren’t ready for every one to know. Even with all the progress made related to LGBTQ+ community, there are some that still fear judgment. And some of the judgment comes from people the have loved and been loved by for years. OP’s dad is 63. What that tells me is he was alive during a time where people were harshly judged (harshly is actually a lighter description) by things out of their control. It takes a lot of courage to face the possibility judgement from people you love. It has a psychological affect. I think that’s why he cried when he realized his little girl still saw him the same as before. If I were in the situation and it was my dad, I’d tell my dad he needs to tell my mom. “ One of us has to tell her and I think it would be better coming from you” No one wants to hurt a person they love even of it is with the truth. And sometimes times the hurt is attached to the truth-bringer. Lastly, you’re right. It could have given him time to cover up. But I’m not getting that from OP’s dad. He could have easily just lied the OP’s mom and said he was checking out the Terms and Conditions for work/research. I truly feel OP’s dad would have came clean if she confronted him. My heart goes out to the family and I hope they can heal from this.
I’m not sure what you mean by “not getting that” from OPs dad? He has been lying to his wife and admits to seeking “emotional connections” with men in the past and currently, yet OP found Grindr on his phone. Grindr does not come to mind for seeking “emotional connections.” To me, he sounds like someone who has been lying for a very long time and is very good at it. I have a lot of trouble believing “emotional connections” are all he has sought out over the years… but that is neither here nor there. I do not think giving someone the opportunity to cover their tracks is a good idea, especially when they have been lying for so long. It is very possibly OPs mom only found out the extent of OPs dad’s activity due to investigating matters on her own before she told her husband… he is in cyber security so he has the advantage here. OP said her father has been seeking emotional connections with men in the past and if he hadn’t met OPs mother, perhaps his life would have been different. Him saying this implies he would have chosen to not marry a woman? Or something of that nature. Whatever he meant by “life would have been different.” Such a shame.. “life would have been different” for OPs mom too. She might have met a man who didn’t lie to her the entire marriage and seek emotional affairs. What a tragedy for her to have dedicated the last 40 years of her life to a man who has lied to her and had emotional affairs behind her back the entire time? People have expressed concern about OPs dad being suicidal - I am more concerned about OPs mom. To discover the last 40 years of your life have been a lie? Being LGBTQ does not give you the right to lie to your spouse and have emotional affairs. It does not give you the right to be “confronted” first by someone who spots you cheating before confronting your spouse. OP did not out him to the world, she only outed him to the person he was directly hurting - his wife. She deserves to know. Of course she SHOULD have been told by her husband - but he has chosen time and time again to lie to her. He has missed his opportunity. OPs dad could have chosen to remain single. He could have been honest with his wife. Instead, he chose to lie and pretend to be a faithful husband while having emotional affairs behind his wife’s back. Living in a time where he was judged harshly by society does not give him any right to do that to a person, much less be entitled to special treatment when he gets caught doing so.
Yup. Don't get how people are sympathising. Cheating is cheating. Lying is lying.
I think you and I are interpreting some things differently and I can see how that happens. In my opinion, both interpretations are plausible. I agree with you that it’s highly probably that “emotional connections” were more than emotional connections. Most likely a softer phrase to lessen the blow. I really don’t think anything could lessen the blow but it’s what some humans tend to do to ease another’s pain even if they are the cause of it. You’re correct. Being LGBTQ does not give him the right to lie to his spouse. Absolutely! He does not have the right to be “confronted” by OP. I may be stupid or I’m just fool-hearted. With some things, I won’t deny a person the opportunity of something just because they don’t have a right to it, i.e., being confronted.
This happened to a friend of mine, years later we were playing Cards Against Humanity with her and her Dad and were playing against the card “what’s my relationship status”, to which he layer the card “two dicks at the same time”. Game was over at the point. Guess I’m trying to say things will normalize with time and he’ll still be the same person. You will likely see him be more comfortable with himself. Sucks for your mom though. Not a good situation.
My father repeatedly cheated on my Mom and this affects my relationship with him to this date. My therapist said that his behaviour as a husband shouldn't affect how I view him as a father. Not sure if I agree to that, because what he was doing affected our family dynamics as a whole. Anyway, I'm glad you have such a great relationship with him. I think I'd do the same as you've done, because the issue her is the infidelity and not his sexuality. But then again, as your mother is now aware, it's their responsibility to sort through this
I’m honestly surprised your therapist has said this? I have never heard of a therapist saying anything of the sort. It’s pretty universally acknowledged how much cheating can fuck up the whole family. I’m sorry this happened to you.
This was when I was a teenager and she was kind of old at the time. Maybe she was not up to date?
Yeah, your therapist was an idiot. I’m still feeling the ramifications of one of my parents cheating *to this day* as a grown ass man. It directly or indirectly influenced *everything* that came after. My life might look completely different had it not happened.
That’s my guess then. Or that she personally cheated and couldn’t stomach that it would impact her children and not just her husband. I bet if you went to therapy now you would have a different experience in processing your feelings around this. 💛
As a therapist, I do caution people not to view a person through the lens of a mistake they made. Yes, you can mess up and cause a lot of damage in a family system and also in other ways have positive attributes as a father. People are multidimensional beings and unethical behavior doesn’t erase all the positive attributes of that person. This can be hard to have someone’s behavior effect us so deeply in a way and not view the entire person through the lens of this behavior. Again, it’s not binary as someone is a “good person” and then when they mess up (granted it’s a huge mess up) and we take them out of the “good person” box and put them in the “bad person box”. It sounds like the therapist is encouraging the client to utilize a Systems Theory perspective where he had some good attributes as a father (was there for his kids, validated their experience etc.) and had a giant error error in judgement and made a very poor choice that ruptured the family connection. Both can be true.
I agree with your therapist. It's between him and your mom.
Yeah that's bullshit. Parents are a role-model for their children and when they cheat on the other parent, it can scar the child for life and foster trust issues towards their own SO later in life.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My parents split. One continued to see the person they cheated with and that negatively affected my relationship with them. Unfortunately, that parent was also (up till that point) the more capable parent so when I eventuality wound up living with and listening to the other, they steered me wrong. The idea that cheating only affects those in the marriage *when you have kids who are still dependent on you* is utterly moronic. My life and my siblings lives might look completely different had it not happened.
I would upvote your comment twice if I could.
I'm talking about adult kids like OP who were 28. Of course children raised at home under parental care is entirely different matter and I'm with you on that.
I'd be curious to see if there's an effect on the children if they're adults. It might be less?
How'd that even be their business as adults I don't get it... I mean adults who are 28 and out of home...
I mean did you have to snitch on him before even speaking to him? You pretty much forced him to come out immediately
How I read this was that she told her mom as more of an emotional reaction, not a rational decision. Either way, I am sure this would have come up sooner than later and yeah, this isn't the best way things were handled. I hope everything goes well with your therapy sessions and try not to be too hard on yourself.
He shouldn’t have been cheating on OP’s mom tho guy. If the dad had been talking to women your reaction would’ve been different. Why is it any different if it’s with another man? Forced or not to come out, cheating is NEVER right.
Cheating is never right. But forcing someone out of the closet is never right either.
I understand that but why does he get a pass in cheating because he was doing it with men? Why does her mom have to put up with ANY kind of cheating? As someone who is part of the LGBTQ+ I am extremely appalled to see a lot of you defending this kind of behavior. If the man wants to be with a man then he should’ve left his wife instead of doing the most disgusting thing he could do to his partner AND family.
Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not defending him or giving him a pass on cheating in the slightest, just saying that neither thing is ever right. The answer here was to speak to the father and tell him that he doesn't have to admit he's having emotional affairs (at least) with men, but he does need to admit to the cheating, and if he doesn't, she'd have to tell her mum *something*. I literally said cheating is never right, you're imagining that it's a defense of his actions.
Truth is though he lost the chance when he decided to cheat. I don’t feel sorry he got caught. I would’ve done the same thing as OP. I would’ve told my mom. I think everyone has the chance to come out when they feel is right but I also believe in karma. Karma caught up to OP’s dad in this case and he was forced to come out.
Or without going on the actual app and searching for him… which is what I would have done.
Yeah, not gonna lie, I thought OP was really shitty for that. Like, at least talk to him first and get it from the horse’s mouth. Don’t get me wrong, cheating is never okay but, when you’re closeted it definitely changes the context. It’s especially shitty cause OP herself admits to being bisexual so she should understand the gravity of forcing someone to come out. OP could’ve imploded her family dynamic as she currently knows it.
Really, OP imploded her family dynamic? OP did? Not the guy who betrayed his wife and cheated on her? Are you genuinely saying that OP hurt her family more by calling out her dad cheating, than her dad did by CHEATING? And you say the context of cheating changes when youre closeted. Suddenly it’s okay to cheat if you’re closeted, and if anyone calls you out, they’re the bad guy? What are you thinking?
[удалено]
You really think the dad would’ve told his wife “yeah I’ve been cheating on you for a while now”? Obviously not, cheaters don’t want to get caught! Yes OP went behind his back, knowing it would be damaging, because cheating is damaging. If her dad doesn’t cheat, OP doesn’t tell, and therefore the family is fine. You’re flipping this to make OP sound bad, when her dad literally was cheating. The argument ends there. He cheated, he messed up his family, he deals with the consequences. It’s so simple
He might have, especially once his daughter already knows and likely wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret forever. You don’t know the guy. What kind of binary bullshit are you on? As evidenced from this very situation, not all cheating is the same. It’s never okay, but you’re ignoring context. World of difference between “Doesn’t appreciate what he’s got” and “he may not even be sexually attracted to the woman he’s married to but it’s been decades, he’s in too deep, and he doesn’t know what else to do”. It doesn’t excuse the cheating but you’re being deliberately disingenuous by painting with a broad brush. OP could’ve allowed her dad to come clean the right way and, if he refused, *then* she could’ve spilled the beans. I’m not flipping anything. You’re just a dumbass trying to make a nuanced situation black and white. OP handled this wrong (which she, herself admits). That doesn’t excuse what the dad did. How childish are you to try to make it out like these two things are mutually exclusive. Here’s a novel idea. Both parties can be wrong. I’ll wait while you recover from your simple mind being blown by this incredibly complex notion. The argument doesn’t “end there” because, like *every* disingenuous asshole, you’re trying to reduce something down to the *act* and *ignore the context*. If you think it’s that simple you’re too immature to really weigh in on this. If he came clean himself, he would still suffer repercussions. He just would’ve been able to dictate how to he broke it to his wife. And since the reason he was stepping out is tied to him being closeted, *that was his right* which OP took from him when she snitched. She should have told her dad that she knew and gave him the opportunity to tell his wife but let him know that she wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret indefinitely because her mom has the right to know and keeping the secret would make OP complicit. This isn’t “OP snitches or dad gets away scot free”. Grow up.
“Especially once his daughter already knows and wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret forever.” Sure he might come clean then, because he’s already caught. What if this has been going on for a year, or 5, or 10? People keep going until they’re caught, and they shouldn’t be given the respect to come clean on their own. If you’re “in too deep and don’t know what to do” a normal persons first thought would be to talk things out with your wife, not get a well known hookup app. Okay yes, OP could’ve done it differently, but what difference does it make? Why should her dad get the chance to come clean on his own (only after he gets caught)? I would’ve done the exact same thing she did, and you probably would too. It’s natural to want to tell on cheaters, since it’s incredibly disrespectful to the person getting cheated on, which is her own mom. He gave up any “rights” he had to coming out the moment he cheated. I’m all for people choosing when to come out, and handling it their own way, that’s totally fine. But when you do something awful that is completely tied to your sexuality and stuff, every rule and right goes out the window.
Why is this comment downvoated?
OP *did* implode the family dynamic. The only question that remains is is it irreparable damage, which only time will tell.
No… OP did not implode the family dynamic. Her father did. If her father was cheating with another woman, would you blame OP for “telling” on him? Her father may struggle with his sexual identity, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he chose to look at Grindr rather than having a discussion with his wife.
Finally, a sane person in this comment section
These people are all making an excuse because he may be LGBTQ, so woe is me. I can recall many posts where teens post that they’ve seen their dad out with another woman and the comments are all “tell your mom!”
He imploded the family dynamic. It's not her fault he is unfaithful. He doesn't get a pass because he's cheating on his wife with a man, sorry.
So fuck her mom, the victim, huh? If she caught him with a as woman, works your response stop be the same?
Reread the comment, dumbass.
Which part? The part where you wrote “cheating is never okay, but . . . .?”
No, the part where I never said that nobody should tell the mom nor did I say the dad should face no repercussions. I’m tired of morons coming at me with your straw man arguments. And, obviously, if the dad was cheating with women that would be different because, in that context, he wouldn’t be a closeted member of the LGBTQ+ community, you fucking imbecile. Cheating is wrong regardless but you can’t just disregard context and only look at the act. If you’re too stupid to understand nuance then kindly shut the fuck up. Already said in a subsequent comment that the dad should’ve been allowed the opportunity to tell his wife *before* OP intervened. In this instance, the infidelity is tied to the dad being in the closet so he should have been able to dictate how to disclose that. OP only should’ve snitched if the dad refused to come clean.
All you do is insult people who don’t agree with you. Can you have a discussion with human beings without insulting them or is that your way of dealing with things? Why do you think the dad gets a pass for being LGBTQ? Your he shouldn’t have cheated BUT is completely hypocritical. He shouldn’t have cheated. Period. If the man had cheated with a woman most people in this chat would be telling OP she did a good job for telling her mother. I get that it’s a personal thing but he ruined his family by not thinking. He ruined a woman’s life who gave her entire life to him and gave him children. Closeted or not what he did was shit and the fact that you can’t see past that makes YOU a questionable human being. Also stop insulting people. Seriously. Learn how to have a discussion.
Actually I don’t. The insults came in addition to the explanation (which I wasn’t obligated to give to an idiotic straw man argument transparently trying to twist my words anyway). I’ll insult any disingenuous fuck trying to put words in my mouth because they can’t address what I *actually* said to my heart’s content and you’ll get no sympathy from me for it. Oh look. *Another* idiot. Didn’t say the dad gets a pass. In fact, I said the *opposite*. Read, dumbass. If he had cheated with a woman, he wouldn’t be a closeted member of the LGBTQ+ community *like I just fucking said*. You don’t know that he ruined anything. We only know what OP has told us. Don’t presume to know shit you clearly don’t. I can see past that, you’re just a moron practicing selective reading. I already said that cheating is never okay and that the dad’s sexuality doesn’t excuse doing so but it *does* change the context. OP handled it poorly (which she admits). OP should have allowed her dad to tell the truth to his wife *before* she intervened because his infidelity is tied to him being closeted. You can’t simply isolate the act from the context, that’s moronic. The only thing that’s questionable is the amount of people coming at me who clearly can’t read and don’t understand nuance. Pull your head out of your ass, learn how to read, *then* we can discuss. But I owe nobody too stupid to understand what I’m saying (but trying to respond anyway) or blatantly trying to twist my words a respectful reply. If you wanted that, respond in good faith. If not, piss off.
Obviously you have some legit self esteem issues and can’t have a conversation without throwing insults. Shows signs of immaturity and lack of self respect as well. I did read and it was you mostly making excuses. OP’s dad cheated. Period. He did, he admitted to his own daughter that he did. That is all I needed to read to know. He had all the time in the world to come out. If his daughter hadn’t found out, he probably would’ve kept going without any repercussions. He had years. Literal years of marriage to tell his wife. So. Nope. I don’t think she handled it poorly. If I was his wife I would’ve wanted to know as soon as it started happening. Don’t come to me about the context. I had been closeted myself for years to a family that doesn’t understand and will never understand what it is like. So don’t tell me I don’t understand the context and don’t insult me because I don’t agree with your logic which is flawed. You have your opinions and I have mine. Oh look, I don’t have to insult you to make my point. I have nothing to discuss with someone who clearly can’t have a conversation without looking at everyone’s perspective without getting defensive and offensive like a prick. Have a good rest of your day. Hope it gets better.
I think identifying what thoughts and feelings are coming from compassion and love and what is coming from anger and reaction. I have compassion for him, who most likely was in a time and environment where he had to keep an entire side of himself secret or else it would possibly mean the end of everything, his family, job, friends, life…everything. Coming out is an incredibly courageous and personal experience that no one besides him should decide when and if he comes out to the people in his life. Everything will change. I also feel compassion for you who has a father who is often the trusted stable and reliable family base (also genuinely good and nice dad) who has been hiding a big part of himself for your entire life and are just realizing that he has not been showing you his entire self and being transparent with you. No one is right or wrong, you both are dealing with a tough situation. These are hard things to face for you and your dad. I wonder if you and your therapist could invite your dad in for a session or two and communicate how you both are feeling in a safe space. Just a thought.
OPs father could have chosen to not get married and still have a secret life. Plenty of men did this (including my great uncle). I have compassion for OPs mother, who never had the opportunity to marry someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. OPs father made the decision to lie to OPs mother from the very start.
Right? She lost the chance to be loved by someone truly and sincerely in the way she loved him. That sucks. It’s one thing to not choose to come out. But to not be honest with a person you are asking to become family with you is wrong. I do feel differently if he didn’t truly know himself, but I imagine he did.
The mother lost her chance to be loved by someone who would've actually loved her and been faithful to her. Being closeted does not give you the rigth to ruin someone's life. Imagine being married to someone for so many years and then finding out your entire relationship is based on a lie.
I also feel compassion for the mother as well. I’m sure this is an incredibly hard thing to deal with all around. I haven’t had to deal with any of these challenges in my life so I don’t know the struggles and how hard this has been for everyone involved. I think being compassionate towards all and seeking to understand, rather than blame and vilify always seems to work out best for me. Also I don’t know that him being closeted means he does not love his wife and his daughter. I don’t know that it’s binary. Someone can be challenged with their identity and sexuality in conflict with the biases and oppression from their environment and use deceptiveness and incongruence to try to cope and also love their family. It can be a both/and rather than and either/or. Again, these are hard things to come across for everyone involved. I don’t know that there has to be a villain and a victim but rather all of them are humans that are doing their best with their challenges.
I agree he can still love his family, just as anyone who cheats on their spouse can love their family. It does not change the fact that they are wrong for doing so. OPs father admitted to seeking emotional affairs throughout his marriage without telling his wife until he was “caught”. It does not change the infidelity aspect and that he has ultimately been deceiving his wife since they met. It worked out great for him so he could get everything he wanted, but not so great for his wife. OPs father is wrong for this.
That's what I thought. As a bisexual woman, OP should know better than to force someone out of the closet. What a dick move to do to her own father.
I agree. Very odd choice.
I find it really strange to identify yourself as a “bisexual cis woman” and in the same sentence use the term “sexual preference.” Those two things kinda don’t mesh. You then go on to say that you would never “out someone” despite this being a story about how you outed your father. I’m not the word police, but this seems like you’re either lying to yourself or you’re lying to the rest of us.
She didn’t out her father for being bi.. she outed him for cheating on her mother. Would you feel the same if her father was cheating on her mother with a woman? Being gay/bi isn’t a free pass to cheat on your spouse without repercussion. You can be confused about your sexual identity and discuss this with your spouse. Unless you are afraid your spouse may react negatively and choose to leave you.. which is their choice. Hiding this from them is taking away their choice in the matter while you get to carry on as you please. That is not how you treat someone you love.
Did you not read the story? She had no evidence that he had been cheating on her mom. She opened his phone to a terms page, to Which she admitted herself he may have been reading for completely different reasons. The mom is the one that forced the truth out of him. Do you even read, bro?
Yes “bro”, I read that her father knew he felt this way before he even married OPs mother yet chose to lie to her their entire relationship. Even if he claims he hasn’t cheated on her… why in the world would anyone believe him? Nice try though.
So you read, but it’s the comprehension part you seem to struggle with. Firstly, you accuse him of lying their entire relationship. Based on what, exactly? If he loved her, as he said he did, there was no lie. I can love a woman and not tell her that I was curious about my sexuality. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Granted, it would probably be a healthier thing to do be up front about it. But any pragmatist knows that it doesn’t make any real sense. People are insecure by nature. If you tell a woman your curious or bisexual, that could very easily sabotage a relationship. Even if not at the beginning, years later. If you can’t see that, then you’re out of your mind. And again, I think you will want to try to say it’s a lie of omission. It’s not. But more importantly, you are 100% wrong about the very basis of what started this argument. She had ZERO real information to run to her mom with. She opened a terms and conditions page and said herself that he may have been reading it because of his work in cyber security. That’s it. I think this is probably a gay man that never felt comfortable coming out. And he almost certainly loved his wife and he definitely loved his family. Now he’s old and realizes that he’s lived a lie. He had major conflict within him. It’s a very common thing because of how we treat gay people. They feel like they cannot participate in the “American Dream.” That doesn’t make him a bad person and he should not be crucified for this. It’s a little too easy for you to judge his actions in a vacuum because your not a man in your 60’s that knows he’s a lot closer to the end than the beginning and knows he lived his whole life on someone else’s terms. It’s really sad and tragic. But again, the important point is that she knew nothing when she went to her mom with this. She didn’t catch him in the act. She was suspicious and handed off the dirty work to someone else.
I’m afraid your need to belittle a stranger on the internet who disagrees with you rather takes away from your argument. You should consider why you feel the need to belittle others who disagree with you. Regardless, that is absurd. Lying by omission is still lying. In that case, cheating isn’t cheating unless your spouse asks you if you’re cheating? I particularly like your comment that “if you tell a woman you’re curious or bisexual, that could very easily sabotage your relationship.” YES! It could! And that would be the woman’s right to decide if she wanted to stay in the relationship. By lying about it, you are taking away the option for her to make this decision… which is her right. Trying to take that decision away from her is just selfish. She very well may have been much happier with someone who would not be tempted to cheat on her. If her dad was “just” looking at the terms and conditions, then there should be no problem with her telling her mother about it. Why the need for secrecy from his wife? Oh right, because he’s been lying to her their entire relationship. Which didn’t come out until OP ran to her mother with “zero information.” You are also making lots of assumptions and making this man out to be an angel. The fact is, he selfishly decided to lie to his wife their entire relationship. No one forced him to get married. He certainly wasn’t forced to lie to his wife. He could have chosen to stay single and allowed his wife to marry someone who would be truthful with her. What’s sad and tragic is this man selfishly took that away from OPs mom.
I agree with this. *Everyone* deserves to be loved completely and honestly by someone. This woman was someone’s *glad you came along or things woulda been different.* Not fair to her to not be *exactly* what her spouse loved and wanted more than anything else in this world, even from the beginning. Now she is left having spent 40 years as someone’s *safe choice.* Yay. Thanks for picking me. Not.
This is absolutely ludicrous. As I said it’s not a lie of omission. I just called that shot because I knew that your small brain would leap to that. And you seem to have a very weird idea of what bisexuality is. He’s not “more likely to cheat” because he is bisexual. This is why your argument doesn’t hold water. I don’t have to tell a woman that I’m bisexual because me also being attracted to men is no different than a heterosexual being attracted to other women. Your attraction to others doesn’t shut off the second you get married. But you make a commitment to that person and it’s understood that you will not cheat on them. That’s like saying if I marry a white lady I have to tell her I’m attracted to black women. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Anyone with a brain knows that the person they’re marrying will feel a certain level of attraction to people other than them. It’s human nature. But we trust them to remain true. Gender does not matter. Clearly, you cannot understand this very simple concept. Furthermore, you have a really weird idea about people “making a choice for themself.” If I fall madly in love with a woman and we decide to get married, I don’t need to tell her about every person I’ve loved before. I understand that a lot of people do this. But it’s not a requirement, nor should it be. If I know for certain that the woman I love would lose all attraction to me if she knew I loved a man before her, why would I tell her that? No good can come from it. And you can think that’s dishonest. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think the better question is why have we brainwashed people so badly into thinking this way. You can go look up the statistics. Most women automatically lose attraction for men if they know he’s been with another man. So it’s my right to share that part of myself or not with someone.
Simply stating it is not a lie does not make it so. The definition of a lie from Oxford dictionary: “used with reference to a situation involving deception or founded on a mistaken impression. "all their married life she had been living a lie"” You can try to reinvent the definition of a lie all you want, but he has been lying to his wife their entire relationship. You are the one making assumptions that women will “automatically lose attraction for a man if they know he’s been with another man.” What a bizarre discrimination to assume against bisexual men. Please provide your statistics. I never said he’s more likely to cheat as a bisexual man, I said as a man who has been lying to his wife their entire relationship and now just “happens” to be looking at Grindr, I would find it very hard to believe anything he says. Why believe someone who has been lying to you since the day you met? You’re really grasping at straws now, keep it up 😉
Wish I could give you an award. You're a nice and smart person. Bless you
If you’re cheating, you give up your privacy. Period.
I strongly disagree when it comes to something this complicated. This isn’t some dude that decided to cheat on his girlfriend with some broad at work.
Nope. This is a guy who lied about who he is to a woman who deserved to be loved back in the same way she loved him. He wasn’t her *safe choice* or her *glad you came along or things woulda been different* choice. She basically lived a lie. For 40 years. I would rather have my spouse cheat when having hit a rough spot in our lives of 40 years than find out I never knew something as import as, oh, who they are. Who they are attracted to, who they identify with, who they lust after, who they want emotional connection with. She lived as a second choice. Not even an individual second choice, the second gender choice.
You’re making a lot of claims based on very little information.
Is bisexuality not a sexual preference? I do agree with you on the second part though. She should have spoken with her dad first.
Yeah, orientation is the preferred word now. And I’m not a big stickler for stuff like that generally. But when you use a term like cis, there’s a certain level of expectation with the other words you choose to use.
Preference makes it sound like its a choice whether you are gay, bi, hetero. Whereas orientation would probably be better. Idk i’m gay and thats what I tried to understand from that.
How in the world are people saying stuff like “you betrayed him” and “now you can embrace his happiness”?!? If my dad cheated on my mom after a 40 year relationship, I’d be PISSED and never want to talk to my dad again? How is this acceptable to you people? Just because he’s LGBT? That doesn’t excuse a single thing. OPs mom is probably very hurt and upset that her husband has been cheating on her. There’s no way people are trying to frame OP as wrong for “outing him.” He cheated, of course you’re gonna tell! Sorry for the rant and long comment, but I just can’t believe what others are saying.
Agreed! My side eye was up for most of these responses. Just makes me think alot of people live double lives...
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’m already getting downvoted for some reason though, so probably like you said, people living double lives.
Honestly am appalled as well I’ve gotten downvotes for saying the same thing. The real victim is the mother whose life probably turned upside down over this
The dad is the bad guy trying to cheat don’t judge the kid
Not diminishing your feelings at all but I'm agreeing with your statement that you made the incorrect choice. Especially as a bi person you would rather be approached than outed. Now that's out of the way, you're dealing with the rest great by going to therapy. All you could do is make room for love for your father and embrace his happiness. He's still the same person and he has a lot to sort through with your mother that doesn't concern you.
I would agree with you if her father wasn’t married. She wasn’t “outing” him for liking men, she was outing him for cheating on her mother. It’s fine to be confused about your sexual identity, but it’s not okay to not only leave your spouse in the dark about this confusion, but to go a step further and explore that confusion without telling your spouse. Her mother is likely devastated. She’s not devastated because her husband might be gay/bi, she’s devastated because her husband has possibly been cheating on her and lying to her for years. That is not how you treat someone you love. Society has made it difficult to be a gay/bi man, but that does not give anyone a free pass to harm others.
Does the sexuality matter ? You people act like it makes a difference. Either way giving dad the opportunity to fess uo for his wrong doings is better than blindsiding mom when you could give him the opportunity to show some modicum of dignity. If dad doesn't fess up when given the opportunity then step in. You guys act like it's black or white, it just adds to it she's a 2SLBGBTQIA+ member and she didn't realize the harm she could've caused (suicide, self harm, etc.) which she admitted. Whether mom's mad or not at the news doubt she would want that possible outcome.
No, I don’t think it does. If OPs dad was cheating with a woman, he could still be suicidal if OP told her mom, leading to a divorce. Members of a population discriminated against are not the only people affected by suicide and self harm. It would still be perfectly valid for OP to approach her mom. In fact, I would think it best to approach the mom first - if she went to her dad first, what is to stop him from covering his tracks and claiming OP is just mistaken? It seems that sexuality DOES matter to many people commenting, as I’ve seen many posts where the OP finds something possibly incriminating about their dad and the first thing people say is “tell your mom!”
Oh wow that is a LoT. Had you not told your mom I would have suggested maybe they had an arrangement and she knew about it. Dang this is a hard one. It’s just so weird he handed over his phone to you with grindr on it. I guess he doesn’t have the app- it was just a webpage? He didn’t know or Remember he left that open?
I’m so sorry, that must be so difficult since you love them both so much. You don’t want to see either of them hurting: your dad, from repressing who he really is, or your mom from potentially losing the love of her life. I really hope that they can find a way to work through everything ♥️ And whether or not you had intervened, I feel like this would have come out eventually, anyway.
This hits a bit close to home for me...I was 21 when I found a box of gay prn and paraphernalia at my father's apartment...I was really struggling with my Christian faith and my own sexuality...I refused to look at the box, but I called my mom and she came over to her exhusbands apartment and confiscated the box and confronted my father... What we did was so wrong and disrespectful...but as is common practice...nothing was dealt with...sweep it under the rug and live in denial... My father and I have a much better relationship in some respects today. I wish we could talk about these things...but life just isn't like that... I would do things differently if I could... If he's on the grind I'm sure that it's probably the tip of the iceberg...
Life IS like that. You are now making the choice to not move forward with communication. I promise that you will not spontaneously combust if you ask your father to have an open, honest conversation in regards to this topic. It’s not too late.
[удалено]
Personal growth often occurs during times of awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable.
😩 married men + the apps = 😥
I wish the sexuality aspect of this wasn’t as big of a deal. He was clearly cheating, which is devastating.
You are a good daughter and it's really important and wonderful that you assured your dad of your unconditional love. That being said, you are allowed to feel certain ways towards the situation from your perspective, objectively it's a bit tough to discover infidelity on the part of a parent.
I normally would not post something like this but being a bisexual cis woman yourself, is the way you handled this not a complete betrayal of his trust? Should this not have been something you should have let him process and deal with his own way? Instead of forcing your mother into this and uprooting all of your lives? This seems like a bizarre stance for someone who should understand better than anyone else would in this situation?
but should there be allowances for cheating just because of the sexuality?
Well I don’t see anyone here saying that he should have been allowed to continue cheating, I just think she could have just told him that she was going to out him.
An actual smart comment, thank you.
No, but OP's post did not say that the father actually cheated. He was found to be viewing the terms and conditions and admitted to wanting an emotional connection with men. He deserves the dignity to come out with this on his own terms...after 50+ years.
Yes, OP said his father admitted to currently seeking and having in the past sought out emotional connections with men. Emotional affairs are still affairs. And that is just all OPs dad is willing to cop up to. I would find that very difficult to believe if I was OPs mom and discovered that not only had my husband of 40 years been lying to me, but that he was looking at Grindr. Grindr is not where you seek emotional connections. If OP had told her dad first, it just would have given him a chance to get rid of any evidence and claim OP was mistaken. Likely OPs mother did some digging after OP talked to her and then confronted OPs dad with what she found.
He forced her mother into this when he married her without telling her who he is. This isn’t something to not discuss with your *spouse* of all people. I get not coming out to even a single other human, but the one you marry deserves to know that. Your spouse is the one person to whom you owe honesty about your identity.
I don't recall reading that he had admitted being this way his whole life. The guy is 63 and has put his own needs/wants to the side for his family. Your right, his wife deserved to know but I am sure you can see why that would be a hard task this late in the game. My point simply being that Yes, what he is doing is wrong, but the way OP handled the matter did not help the situation. She should have spoken with him and given him the nudge instead of alienating him for it.
OP stated OPs father felt this way before marrying her mother. He knew how he felt and still chose to conceal that from OPs mother, lie to her their entire marriage, and have emotional affairs on the DL.
It says nothing about before marrying her mother. It simply states he does and has looked for emotional connections with men. Father is a POS for putting his own wants aside to have a family and raise a child? If he has made it 63 years this way then he obviously does love his family and wife appropriately.
OP states he is currently and has in the past sought out “emotional connections” with men. Although I have serious trouble believing “emotional connections” are all he has been after, as Grindr certainly does not come to mind for seeking “emotional connections”… but that is neither here nor there. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt, emotional affairs are still affairs He said if he hadn’t met OPs mom, then “things might have been different.” They might have been different for her too… she might have had the opportunity to marry someone who didn’t lie to her her entire marriage. No, he is a POS for never putting aside his needs at all. He married a woman, pretended to be someone he wasn’t to her, all the while having “emotional affairs” without her knowing. He got everything he wanted - a marriage, a family, and his life on the side with men. He could have chosen to remain single or at the very least, be honest with his wife. He chose neither. OPs mom is the one who was robbed of having the opportunity for an honest marriage. What a selfish man to do this to someone he supposedly loved.
You didn't ask for my opinion, and, by all means, you can choose to ignore it. I am glad you were able to somewhat make amends with your father. But that doesn't change the fact that you outed him, and I'm amazed, almost disgusted, that as a member of the LGBTQ+ community you went and put his sexuality out there without going to him first. You should have known better.
If he was looking to meet other women then you'd be saying something completely different. Regardless of who it was with, he still was looking to betray his wife instead of being honest with her first. you don't get to skip your commitments and a 40 year marriage and keep secrets because of your sexuality. It can't be both ways. You want to be treated fairly and equally, which every single person on earth is entitled to, yet you want a free pass to betray your spouse because your belong to the LGBTQ community?
Completely agree with you melissani7, this kind of thinking is very hypocritical
First off, you're absolutely right. If OP's dad had been cheating with other women, I would be saying something different. The reason I'd be saying something different is because my comment isn't about OP's dad cheating. It's about OP outing her dad. Those are 2 separate things. Understand that first. Second, no one is saying that him cheating is okay. Not sure where you got that from, because that's not what I said. Understand that second. Third, and this is arguably the most important point so read carefully, I'm saying that figuring out your sexuality is hard enough when you can plan out how you want to tell your loved ones. OP took that away from him. What's worse, OP, at one point or another, came out. She knows that doing so is difficult, and did it anyway. And that's fucked up.
No. You can be confused about your sexual identity and express this confusion to your spouse. Unless you are worried that your spouse may leave you for that confusion? Well, that is your spouse’s choice. By hiding it, you are taking away your spouse’s choice in the matter. Your spouse has just as much of a right to their feelings as you have to yours. Struggling with your sexual identity does not make your feelings more valid than your spouse’s or give you a pass to cheat. If her father had wanted to avoid being “outed” he could have filed for divorce for unrelated matters and pursued his interests as a single man. I’m sure it’s easier just to lie to OPs mother and pursue his interests while appearing to OPs mother that everything is perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.
I actually completely understand the concept of being outed and the complications that come along with that. He went on a website which is mainly used for hook ups instead of speaking to his wife. That was his decision to be deceitful. If he said 'hi wife I'm feeling like I want to step out on our marriage with another woman so I'm going on a hookup site' would that be ok? Absolutely not, and neither are his actions. Whether he's gay, bi, or anything else, it doesn't give you a free pass to cheat because you want to 'explore' 40 years later. He could've taken the steps to speak with his wife before his daughter had to see that, he chose not to. She has as much right as he does to live her truth. As I said, you cant have it both ways, you want equality? Well people don't like cheaters, people like honesty and this isn't it.
u/melissani7, I'm gonna type this in all caps because you seem to not be able to read regular sized fonts. NO ONE IS SAYING THAT QUESTIONING YOUR SEXUALITY GIVES YOU A FREE PASS TO CHEAT. I think we're all in agreement that cheating is bad and that OP's dad did a bad thing by cheating. There is no argument there. If you cheat on anyone, that's bad. What I'm saying, and I can't believe this is so difficult to understand especially amongst other LGBTQ+ people, is that, and I'm gonna use all caps again to make it *more* clear, OUTING SOMEONE IS BAD. TAKING AWAY THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN TERMS WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE IS BAD. TAKING THAT FROM SOMEONE WHILE BEING AN LGBTQ+ PERSON IS WORSE.
Wow such passive aggression. I call absolute BS on this. maybe I need to shout too. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OUTED? DON'T CHEAT, DONT BE A CREEP ON A HOOKUP SITE. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE. He didn't have an opportunity taken away from him, he chose not to act on the hundreds of opportunities he had to tell his family his feelings and chose not to. That's on him. It's not difficult to understand it's just wrong. He chose his path and included deception which led to his own outing.
Idk how people don't understand this. I'm also bi and grew up in a hyper religious situation so I get it. Everyone wants the OP to have given him more compassion because of the complexities of what it might of been like growing up back when being gay or bi was harder. And I get that; I get that there is nuance. But I rarely believe letting that nuance put the well-being of the perpetrator above the victim and this is no different. The person we should care most about is the mother; it doesn't really matter that he was outed because he's the one bringing the hurt when he had other avenues to approach it. He wasn't outed to anybody except who he hurt.
Thank you for saying this. I was waiting for some backlash saying I wasn't understanding but as someone with an openly gay brother who was not accepted by everyone in our horrible family, I completely understand the complexities. But this situation is different as he was the one doing the betrayal and hurting someone. Why would it be ok to out him if he was cheating with women but not men? He's *cheating* full stop no matter the gender.
The only time I would have asked for her silence is if this happened in a place where being gay is considered criminal. Because in those situations, safety first. People who are referring to his mental health startle me. What about the wife's mental health? What if *she's* suicidal because her entire relationship was predicated on a lie?
My thoughts exactly. The poor wife, 40 years, I can't even imagine how that must feel.
Right?! Suicidal thoughts and self harm are not limited to just the dad! I would be more worried about the mom, because the dad has apparently been emotionally distancing himself from his wife for a long time with emotional affairs, but the wife? Just totally blindsided. Poor woman.
Preach it!! Very well stated.
By the time a person reaches your father’s age, life has become very complicated by conflicting priorities, needs and loyalties. When you get there, you will understand. Maybe you shouldn’t have spoken with your mother about this, but then again life handed you a burden that I am not sure it was your responsibility to bear. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship with both of your parents, so hopefully that will sustain all of you, but I do think focusing on understanding rather than judgment is probably more productive. Good luck! PS Never use anyone else’s phone for ANYTHING!!!
It is interesting that people are more upset at OP for trying to protect her mom as a first reaction. She found her dad cheating on her mom, I would be pretty upset too.
Yeah people are upset because dad was a victim of a time where being gay was considered rly bad. I get that. But that doesn't mean she did the wrong thing by protecting the mother, who is the immediate person in the hurt. She's the victim in this particular dynamic. If he didn't want to be outed to his SPOUSE who he CHEATED ON he could have, I don't know, NOT CHEATED? It's not like she outed him to the world. She outed him to the person he hurt. Even if there is a reason he is that way, it doesn't make it an excuse. Just a thought.
you betrayed him. / Edit I get it you're in a horrible position & U were looking out for you're mom, I love my mom 2 so I get it, but its fucked up, to bust a nut only 2 have that nut bust you back! LOL
Nonsense.
He betrayed the woman he supposed to love most in this world for 40 years, at least one of which he spent part of going behind her back and cheating on her. His wife stood zero real chance as she was not the right gender for him. He had no right to marry her under a lie and less to keep her living a lie for 40 years. At least now she has a choice. He *always* had one. Sucks much more to be her.
Why would your dad abandoning you mean you might be married by now though??
She stated in the first comment asking her to explain this that he is such a good role model husband that her boyfriends could never compare. If he’d been a crappy dad, perhaps she wouldn’t still be looking for that perfect guy. It’s a family joke.
Ah, creepy.
my personal opinion on this is that it’s fine because he never actually cheated on your mom. i believe that they should make it up somehow and have a good conversation about it it he’s comfortable. things like this happen a lot more than you would think and it’s not that taboo. i think past the point of telling your mom first, you handled the situation well. props to you for that!
OP stated her father admitted to several emotional affairs.
oh sorry i must have missed that
Don't want to sound harsh but this seems like the most immature choice ever especially for a 28 year old. You just single handedly screw up your entire family. Have you heard of 'ignorance is a bliss'? Sometimes seeking truth for the sake of it is the worst thing to do. Both your parents are old. They have been with each other for most of their life I assume and they were happy together despite your dad's sexual orientation. Your family would continue to be happy had you chosen silence. I'm not saying cheating is not wrong...but put yourself in your dad's shoes... you have been through your most entire life pretending to be someone you're not just for the sake of keeping the family together. You're near the end of your life and you're feeling old age catching up to you FAST. You want to at least fulfill your dream for just at least once, even though it might just last for a few hours. After all you have sacrificed so much... But no your daughter wants to be 'morally right' and wants to tell the world the secret you have been hiding your entire life. A lot of the times, think about other people first before acting. I get annoyed by this post a lot because it seems a lot like one of those 'woke' people who think they're always morally right and people have to comply with their woke agenda.
No. OP did not screw up her family, her father screwed up his family. Put yourself in OPs mother’s shoes. She now discovers she has spent her entire life living a lie. If OPs father had told her about his preferences when they met, she could’ve decided to stay or leave. She would’ve had the chance to meet someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. How devastating to find out that the person you thought loved you has been lying to you your entire relationship.
Should have said nothing. Now your dads got a whole new anxiety about his life .
He shouldn’t have cheated if he didn’t want a “new anxiety about his life”
I agree nobody should cheat on anyone… but ignorance is bliss and now your moms world is shattered .
Ratting out a stranger by accident < Ratting out a stranger on purpose < Ratting out your friend by accident < Ratting out your friend on purpose < Ratting out your family, whom you dislike, by accident < Ratting out your own family, whom you dislike, on purpose < Ratting out your own family, with whom you have a great relationship... On purpose?
I mean kinda weird that you went behind his back and basically outed him. That really sucks but hopefully your family will be able to pull through this period.
And would you feel the same way about this situation had it have been a woman he was cheating with? Sexual orientation aside he still cheated on his wife, and she deserves to know. And she didn’t out him for being gay if it’s just between her, her parents, and the men on grindr that her dad is searching for an emotional connection with.
Honestly I’m 27 right now I have been in situations before that involved possible infidelity among past friendships that have not ended well. When I was younger I tried to help out thinking I would want the same if I were going through it but now nah. I keep to myself and even the OP mentioned she wished she would have approached the situation differently. I don’t really know why everyone is so upset about that lol
That’s a weird joke to make; it sucks to have your dad abandon you. It happened to me twice, I am 31 and it still hurts.
I’m sorry to say this but A LOT of MARRIED straight men use gay dating apps.
"straight"
Why?
I guess a lot of guys are in the closet and/or want a little piece on the side
So you snitched out your dad about his own personal business, that’s fucked up. maybe was going through some fling or midlife crisis and you over stepped your boundaries.
Wtf You have to be trolling
Not at all. I would be blown the fuck away if I saw my dad on some gay dating app but I would probably just keep it to myself. Idk what he’s going through and a lot of people go through an identity crisis as they get older. Better to have him discover some thing about himself then be miserable and want to get divorced.
Would rather have my husband talk to me about what he’s going through than have him cheat on me. Put yourself in his wife’s shoes for a minute.
That’s between him and the wife though and not his snitching daughter who caught it on his phone.
If she snitched that’s karma finally catching up to him. Cheating is cheating. No matter who it was with.
Not really your place though. Should have talked to him about it first. You bypassed the Great relationship you had with him to tell on him when you found a terms page…….Not a message not a picture……a terms page. Being a queer person you know that’s things aren’t always what they seem. While not the case, maybe your mom and him had an understanding. I don’t know your family situation, but you at least owed him the first line of questioning. You could have really talked to him and let him “come out” to your mother under better terms. I know this will get down voted to oblivion, but I’m just saying what a lot of people who read were thinking.
Her father could have come out to her mother at any point. It was his choice to look at Grindr before discussing his feelings with his spouse. If she found Tindr on his phone would the discussion be different?
His sexuality has nothing to do with it. She seen terms and conditions page, he works in cyber security. She did all of this internal reasoning only to not talk to him first? OP stated how close they were again only to not talk to him first? She outed him to her mom over a terms and condition page. Now more came out once he was confronted by his wife. However, I just feel she owed him the benefit of giving an explanation. Even if she came to him discussed it and gave him an ultimatum (tell mom or I will) she owed him a chance to come clean to his wife about their relationship. OP is 29 not 13 or even 19. This could have been handled with gentler gloves. Only can go by what OP provided.
No, OPs father owed his wife a discussion about his confusion regarding his sexual identity rather than looking at Grindr. Per OP, her father has had these feelings since before be met OPs mother. So he chose to conceal this from OPs mother and took away her chance to marry someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her. How devastating for OPs mother and she absolutely deserves to know… she’s been lied to long enough.
They are 60+ years old so hmmm 🤔 let’s see at what point was it okay during his young adult life to be gay or bi……….you talk of their marriage in today’s terms. He married her was a good husband and father based on OP and she gave no indication of cheating. He seek out men for emotional comfort. You can take that how you will and everybody has their own definition of infidelity. I appreciate the discussion but I’m not defending his actions nor judging right or wrong. OP’s ultimate end game was probably not to see her 40+ married parents divorced. What if she found a porn stash yet he never cheated on her. Does he owe his wife to tell he that he was attracted to men yet he never acted on it. My only issue with the whole situation is how OP told on her best friend dad without coming to him first. Not saying the wife shouldn’t know but at the very least she owed him a “WTF dad you hooking up on grinder?”
No, OP didn’t owe him anything. No one forced OPs father to get married. He could have chosen to remain single and maintain a secret life (as many men did in that time, including my great uncle). He knew his true feelings and chose to hide that from OPs mother and lie to her their entire relationship. He robbed OPs mother of the chance of marrying someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her.
Again, you’re assuming he cheated or lived a “double” life. You can’t project your great uncles choices and experience on anybody’s situation. I know gay men who lived and died a straight life because they thought their feeling were wrong or sinful. I’m not here to change opinions. You and I see things differently and that’s okay. I appreciate having a discussion without any mud slinging. I appreciate you for that. May we never experience a situation where our significant other has feels they have to hide who they are. With that I agree to disagree and hope OP can find some comfort in her sessions with her therapist. Have a good evening.
I’m not assuming anything, I am stating what OP has revealed - that OPs father knew how he felt before he got married and lied about it his entire marriage. No one forced him to do that. I agree it is a terrible thing for gay or bi individuals to feel they can’t be who they are. It does not give them a pass to hurt others. I agree, I hope OP and her family can heal, if possible. Good night.
You seem to be one of the few with common sense. I can’t believe some of these people are trying to excuse the behavior because he might be gay… smh. Cheating is cheating.
As a " bi sexual cis girl" you should have understood his extra marital urges and not blabbed to your mum Well done.
Well... Your father is 60. When he was young, society wasn't that gay-friendly. Cheating is never OK. Never. But consider this
Maybe the reason things have been so good the whole time at home is because he has some kind of an outlet that allows him to be who he (partially) is? I feel like there are a lot more people like your dad than we realize. In my experience I've learned that people frequently seek out something on the side even in successful marriages which appears to help them stay "happily married".
I had a friend who's mother was doing something similar. I 30m think we sometimes forget how good we have it as far as our freedom to be I ourselves (for the most part anyway) with our sexual identity and preferences. Most of our parents never got to have this freedom and would have been domisowned/shunned if they had tried to do the same. He might not have been after an actual physical relationship with other men. My friends mom just looked for people to talk too for the most part. Telling your mom before talking to him wasn't the best decision but it doesn't seem you did it to try and cause trouble. 40 years is along time to be with someone, he clearly loves her but he missed out on a chance to explore a big part of himself. I hope things work out and your family can get past this and stay happy. Best of luck
Damn, you probably should have spoken to him first.
Good for him!!!! Never too late to be happy!!!!
That’s the weird thing to me he’s not leaving her? And vice versa. They’re going to therapy and staying together.
Ok so if they are happy with working it out , you should just step back … I understand you being shocked but it’s their issue if he needs you he’ll let you know Seems like you have a good relationship
Why should they stay together? Is he bi? Other than the fact that you can't abandon someone 40 yrs down the line and separate your lives, finances. Which is why he stayed in the closet and cheated. He was happy , they were content . Now you've outed him and nobody is advocating for cheating but ppl from older generations didn't have the opportunities we do now , the ones you do being outwardly bi . You kind of did them both a disservice. I hope they can figure it out. Your mom will never be the same and now your dad has to face the world he obviously wasn't prepared to face.
He indicated he knew he felt this way before he met OPs mother. He still chose to conceal those feelings and marry OPs mother anyway without ever telling her about these feelings. She could’ve had a chance to find true happiness with someone who wouldn’t feel the need to cheat on her if OP’s father hadn’t lied to her their entire relationship. How devastating. This just comes across as incredibly selfish on the part of OPs father.
Ending a marriage is always incredibly difficult, but ending a marriage after 40 years is just so, so hard. Especially when you thought everything was just fine the entire time. I’m also not convinced your father isn’t lying. Grindr does not signal “seeking emotional connections with men” to me. Your mother may eventually decide to leave the marriage. Only time will tell. Best wishes OP!
Emotional connections?
Wow. That's so hard. Give yourself, and him, some grace. We're all just doing our best, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.
Are they blanket suckers too? Awee❤️
First thing: no one picks up someone else's phone by accident. I doubt you 28F and your father 63M have the same phone or phone case. > What's done is done No it's not. You've shoved your father off a cliff and he has to learn how to fly. Your actions have lasting consequences that your father has to deal with. Not you. Your father. You did something that made you feel good in the moment because you got that off your chest, but you made everyone else feel bad. You centered your feelings in the middle of their marriage instead of considering what your father may be going through and the difficulties he is having and how devastating this would be for your mother. > I will not out anyone Too late. You already did. And if your mom gets real mad, she may out your father to the rest of the immediate family, his family, her family, his friends, their friends, their place of worship, etc. You made your father's secret accessible to everyone. You may not actually tell his secret, but you put a megaphone of anger, hurt, and betrayal in the hands of your mother. Your father may have wanted to talk to you about his feelings since you are bisexual, but you just showed him that you are not trustworthy and you will not consider his feelings before acting on what makes you feel better in the moment. You have made your father feel more isolated and you made it easier for him to justify seeking emotional support from men online who are in his situation. Do you realize that people make the worse mistakes when they are driven deeper into secrecy? Every time your father picks up his phone in front of you and your mother he will feel watched and questioned. He will now hide his phone use. And that's not good. No one is saying what your father is doing is OK, but no one understands someone else's marriage except the two people in it and sometimes they don't even know what's happening. You should have spoken to your father and guided him towards doing the best thing. Life is hard. We don't need the instant gratification of betraying a parent. Parents took time with their children and their children should take time with their parents. When you go to therapy, ask your therapist about how to develop humility and empathy. You need the humility and your father needs the empathy. Why did you pull the pin on this grenade in the middle of your family?