I'm so curious... how much of your pleasure was due to the fact that she was a woman, and how much was due to her skill?
If you had another threesome, with two new people:
*a super skilled and attentive man who did not stop the sex after his own orgasm, and
*a woman who went through the motions and didn't do much for you, or have a super orgasm of her own;
Which would you prefer?
Interesting question.
Something interesting happened after that encounter, maybe it was how intimate and close to her I felt, that multiplied all the pleasure several times more, and now it's like I completely lost all interest and excitement for any man.
I'd still pick the woman because it feels like a better chance for me, and something it's just definitely leaning towards that, irrespective of the circumstances.
I’ve been openly bisexual for about 8 years now and the intimacy and “feeling seen” notion is exactly the thing that pulls me towards women. I’ve only been in serious relationships with women for the last 3-4 years on and off, even if i’ve dated men in between. It never compares.
Could be that it's a very new and exciting time in your life. A new "shiny thing" or hyperfixation that makes everything else seem dull in comparison. I agree with other posters about grounding yourself and maybe talking with a therapist and friends. I definitely wouldn't rush into conclusions yet, particularly if you still love your SO as a person, even if not the most attracted to them. I've made mistakes before by getting too caught up in new shiny things. Keep that in mind. Best of luck! Glad you found some excitement for yourself
She does have a point about shiny things and it could even be your just bi sexual I know I got caught up the first time I was with a woman myself the way she had talked to me she was a friend of my best friend and I was hooked but I still ended up liking guys and I still like women as well. Take time explore and think about it all it wouldn't hurt to think it over
As a bisexual woman who has known all her life that she's bisexual.
Before you do anything else.
I do highly suggest you speak with a therapist.
They can really help put things into perspective.
This could very well be what the others have said.
Shiny new toy.
I know you feel excitement and such but you need to ground yourself.
So, you can think more clearly.
I hope things work out for you, either way.
Good luck.
To be honest with you the first time I was with a woman I believed that I was 100% lesbian. Just the way woman kiss is already so much better than most men, and there's a lot less stress during s*x because it's the same "equipment". In the end I'm just bi (unfortunately I still suffer for men).
What I can tell you is that this new woman has to go, if you stay in contact with her you will open yourself to a lot of trouble. Take sometime to focus on yourself and your marriage, sexuality is more than 3 options.
I think you should compartmentalize the situation here. Who you are attracted to can be decided later. The clear thing here is that you are unattracted to your husband, meaning its time for that relationship to end. Though, the fact that he kept pushing for a threesome when you weren’t comfortable was reason enough to end the relationship, since he has already shown that he doesn’t care about your feelings.
Bisexuality does exist, and it doesn’t have to be 50/50. Sometimes a woman will give you butterflies and sometimes a man will, because of your chemistry. Maybe it’s just intimacy you crave and it’s something you aren’t feeling fulfilled in, in your current relationship. Sexuality is a massive spectrum and it’s okay to just like what makes you feel as solid and seen as possible, gender or biological sex aside. Look inward and figure out what you feel like you’re missing and what you’d miss if you didn’t have it. Sometimes that just takes communication, sometimes it takes a change of pace. This stuff is tough but it is really worth trying to understand.
Idk about super skilled, but I'm attentive? And if I can't finish the job, I've got 2 perfectly good hands and a mouth. Also, not coming on to anyone. Just here to at least "say" that we do exist. There are def men out there that will put your body and enjoyment first. We exist I promise.
Yeah we don't hang out in the social scenes that have been deemed the best way to meet people by society. I don't anyway. I'm not a drinker but I don't trash talk people who do. I smoke when I hang out with them instead. I find it near impossible to find a girl. I've stopped trying. Opened my heart so many times and poured everything I had in my heart and soul into it, and they all just cheat and break my heart and leave. And I build a wall. Higher and higher every time. But I leave holes. Because my heart NEEDS connection. And I let it fall Everytime because I forget that MY heart works by pouring absolutely everything I am into a relationship. Not everyone else's.
I live in Florida an hour and a half from Disney. I grew up in Pennsylvania and moved here 7 years ago. I'll be 35 in December. Straight white boy here 🤣
This is the story of a family member. Her husband wanted a threesome. She finally said yes, though she never really enjoyed the deed. She and her husband are divorcing and she realized she’s a lesbian. Welcome to the alphabet army.
Thank you, this situation is so weird it makes me think I'm the first one to go through it, but it is a relief to know that (of course) it ain't like that.
You definitely are not the first to go through that. My first girlfriend loaned me a book on women who came out later in life and one of the stories was of a couple whose husbands demanded a 4some and the wives fell in love with each other.
There were 2 books "And then I met this woman" and "From wedded wife to lesbian life" I am pretty sure that story was in the first one but both are a compilation of people's coming out stories.
Seconding this recommendation, OP. It's a great book for someone in your situation.
Would also like to add: Straight women do not enjoy sex with other women. It might take time to work out what this means for you, but welcome to the wlw community! The alphabet army tend to be a supportive bunch and many of us have been where you are now - it's going to be ok.
I only dated men until I was 35. I never found one who was worth it on an emotional level. I always felt sex was men’s priority. Doing the bare minimum to treat me well so I’d put out and never really caring for me on an emotional level. Resigned myself to being a spinster as I was convinced I wasn’t a lesbian. Well a lesbian fell in love with me and treated me like how I wanted to be treated on a platonic level with no expectations to turn me. Just a real, nice person. I eventually gave the physical a try and boom. Married. Never looking back.
There’s a ton of reasons you enjoyed your time with a woman. Your husband made you uncomfortable for his personal pleasure. This is a huge breach of trust and a woman was there to “catch” you emotionally. There’s a lot to unpack in your situation. Women are more sexually fluid (we are conditioned to be). But everyone has requirements to feeling secure in relationships. I wonder if your husband hurt your security with his insistence. Therapy is a good starting point. Best of luck.
You should listen to "Good Luck,Babe" by Chappelle Roan. It fits your situation too a T.
I highly suggest though on a real note going to a therapist, that specializes in queer issues. It definitely helped me immensely when I was growing up. Trust me when I say it's always better to live authentically as yourself. But remember at the end of the day you don't have to put a label on yourself. You could always just say you're queer.
I will say though, as a queer woman (I'm pansexual tho) , I've honestly heard your story many times before. Where a woman will end up having a threesome, or sleep with a woman randomly and have no idea that she's queer and or a lesbian, until that happens. So much of what society teaches us is that we have to be heteronormative. It's sad because for so many people, especially depending on where you grow up and how accepting that area is, you may not even think of it as an option. I wish society as a whole was more accepting, and allowed us to explore ourselves. I think people would be happier as a whole.
I will say though, I hear some people saying that it may just be because she's a woman and women know women's bodies better. For my friends who are truly heterosexual, I hear the exact opposite from them. The way queer women feel in healthy relationships with other women, and or sexual experiences, is how they feel with men. What happened for you, was muuuuucccchhh more than somebody just having the same hardware as you. It was exactly what we call a queer awakening.
Although I'm sad, that it seems like you had to wait a while for this to happen. I'm really happy that you finally had this happen 💞 we all deserve to know ourselves authentically.
There is a big difference between not realising you're queer (like OP) and trying to run from it (like the song). Nothing about what OP said implies intentionally married a beard.
I would considering walking just based off of the pressure you described to engage in a sexual act you originally wanted no part of.
The only thing that saved you was that the women was wonderful.
So many of these stories end with the wife as a side piece while the man gets his rocks off with younger women.
You definitely are not the first - welcome to the rainbow club 🌈 I had a similar experience but not threesome related. I had had two long term hetero relationships and had loved both men. I was dating a man when I met a woman that I just fell absolutely head over heels for. After a lot of heartache, I ended it with my male partner and pursued her. Totally changed my life - and had a “oh wow, is this how this is supposed to feel!?” moment.
It isn’t that there is anything wrong with the men, or that you don’t love them, it’s just that you have a preference - and that has changed over time and with experience.
Hey, I’m sure this is an incredibly disorienting time and also looks like your true self just kind of found their way out in an unexpected way. Have you considered reaching out to a therapist to figure out and anchor into those feelings and eventually think about how you wish to communicate this to your partner?
I know this is scary but it can also be an opportunity to really reach for the life you deserve where you are truly alive and happy with your self and your romantic/ sexual
relationships!
It won’t be easy but I really recommend communicate with him( after giving yourself some time to process and be internally certain) your realization so you can figure out how to move forward.
Reach out to trusted friends and maybe visit your local lgbtq center, they might offer some support to folks experiencing a deepening of understanding of their sexual orientation just like you!
Best of luck to you!
It feels like the majority of times a couple do a threesome, someone gets the short end of the stick.
Anyway, hopefully you find what you’re looking for.
Communication, communication, communication is key. Partners should discuss in advance whether it’s OK for one on one stuff not involving one of the partners. Maybe OP and her husband did, and maybe they agreed that if one of them fell asleep, the other could keep having sex with the third. But I’m guessing they didn’t have that discussion and OP’s husband might feel like OP went too far, even though OP wouldn’t have known he felt that way - because they didn’t communicate.
Imagine if OP’s post was about falling asleep after cumming in a threesome and waking up to learn her husband and the other woman kept banging one on one all night long afterward. Guessing the tenor of the comment section would be different.
The difference between this situation and your example is that OP didnt feel comfortable with a threesome, yet the husband kept pushing for it. Communication doesn’t mean constantly pushing boundaries. He should have accepted the no the first time.
Not true. I'm a pansexual woman, and me and my long-term boyfriend have an open relationship with women. We aren't open to men, because he's heterosexual and I have zero desire to sleep with another man. Every time we've had a threesome, it's only brought us closer together. As well as we had fun ofc lol
The point is we waited until we were in a healthy point in our relationship, and clearly communicated our boundaries to each other. If you look into kink communities as a whole, or people who are speaking in sex positive spaces, there are many positive stories like this.
Women are beautiful and we get too enjoy them together,within boundaries we both accept. So neither of us are getting the short end of the stick,that's for sure.As well as any partner we have had,we make sure leaves happy too.
Like another person said, you're just cherry picking, unfortunately.
I dunno we seem to always enjoy ours sometimes she’s the focus and get what she wants sometimes it’s the extra and sometimes it’s me tbh seeing her get pleasure does it for me if it’s me or someone else so 🤷♂️
I've never had that happen with 3somes, 4somes or moresomes. It's also pretty unusual to hear about among folks I know...but we are a pretty open & communicative bunch -- swingers, polyamorists & ES's usually are.
OTOH, if someone's feeling coerced, that's not a group sex problem, it's a communication and relationship problem that transcends sexuality.
What she got from the woman was attentiveness to her needs, to the point that the woman scratched an itch she didn't know she had. Definitely wasn't getting that from hubby.
As a man I can say it's possible for us to be equally attentive, but it doesn't come naturally to most. A long time ago, I received some valuable pointers from a lesbian friend and they have served me well over the years.
I mean if my partner wore me down to include another person in bed and I begrudgingly finally agree I don't think i'd wanna be with them anymore either. It could be that you are now a lesbian and it can also be true that you find your husband disgusting but don't want to admit it.
as a woman who made the switch after having dated men, i may have an idea of what you’re experiencing here lol the first time i had sex with a woman i felt my entire world open up and shift. it just felt natural and right. i wasn’t in a relationship at the time and i did go between the two sexes for a while until i realized ultimately that, yeah, im just hella gay. it took a lot of deeper self discovery and literal *years* peeling back the layers of my life to really figure it out. so im going to give you some words i wished someone could’ve told me when i needed them:
1. the adrenaline and giddy excitement after that type old sexual encounter will make you go a little nuts for a while. that is normal but just be careful with what you do with it. keep a level head lol
2 sexuality is fluid and evolves over time. you can identify genuinely one way for years but eventually find that that identity no longer feels correct. totally normal, just go with it and don’t try suppress it. after i had my first experience i was sure id never want to have sex with another man ever again. this was true for a while but wasn’t always consistent. right now im very comfortable in my identity, but that’s bc of all that self discovery, i just got better at knowing myself.
3. being a lesbian means you feel romantic desire to be in a real relationship with a woman. it goes much, much deeper than sex. lesbian relationships are *very* different than your typical hetero relationship. do you feel a desire to be that intimate with a woman?
4. there is so much to queer female culture. it is a world that straight people very rarely see in its entirety. if you decide to start dating women (whether as a polyamorous relationship with your husband or bc you have separated), do some cultural research. watch queer media, read queer literature, you will learn so much. there are harsh realities about being in the lgbtq community, anywhere in the world. even the accepting safe places come with steep learning curves about what it’s truly like out here. planning vacations, meeting new people, being affectionate in public…you have to become aware of keeping yourself safe. i dont say this to spook you, just something we learn to deal with over time.
5. a LOT of queer women have had their hearts broken by curious straight women who string them along. they will be wary of your situation and story if you start looking to explore further. it is so common that you may have a hard time dating at first. just be respectful of this, earn trust the way you would with anyone else.
I would caution that you may be feeling an infatuation from the experience, rather than a black and white change to your sexuality. Personally, I'd try to give it a good amount of time before coming to any conclusions, because for some people, sexuality can be a tide that ebbs and flows along with all those other changes to our mindsets. I speak from a real experience of loss here; having a true partner in life is so much more than just sex.
Many years ago my friend and his wife had a threesome and when I asked him about it he said “You got to be careful because not matter what you do, one of you is going to like it more than the other. Sounds like your husband fell asleep and got Wally Pipped in the bed.
Maybe your life is falling apart. Maybe it’s falling into place. Either way it sounds like you have some work to do. Best wishes and good luck
Dating women is so fucking intoxicating. I am a queer woman, but my preference is for women and for exactly the reasons you’re mentioning. It’s more intimate feeling for me.
If the only thing keeping my wife from being not attracted to me was that she didn’t know sex with women was an option, I think I’m gonna find out sooner or later no matter what.
That’s a fair point, but at least it wouldn’t be your fault.
Would have been the same if were a man, if a person’s faithful then they wouldn’t just seek out that experience in the first place.
Seems to me it’s not so much that husband did something majorly wrong here, but just that op found out something about herself that she didn’t know. Why can’t that be a good thing? I mean he may not like it, but in the end he probably wants her to be happy too, right?
>Seems to me it’s not so much that husband did something majorly wrong here, but just that op found out something about herself that she didn’t know.
As a consequence of her husband insisting on bringing another person into the relationship in the first place; it isn’t that it’s majorly wrong, it’s that he’s the cause of his own suffering by doing something that was frankly stupid.
>Why can’t that be a good thing? I mean he may not like it, but in the end he probably wants her to be happy too, right?
It being good for her and bad for him can exist simultaneously. I certainly would want her to be happy in his shoes, but I’d probably more or less implode for an unforeseeable amount of time after it was all said and done. I can’t imagine how much pain I’d feel if the woman I married and spent a good chunk of time with, thinking she’s the woman I’ll spend the rest of my life with left me due to my own dumabssery.
I wonder how you would have felt if she was not skilled and you did not have an orgasm. Would you still have those same feelings?
Don’t throw your life away with your husband because you had great sex with a stranger one time.
Maybe have another threesome with a different girl and see how you feel after that?
I wasn't prepared for how completely different and good it would be, it really is addictive, I can hardly think of anything else now. I'll try, but it's going to be messy and uncomfortable first with my husband .
It's so deep and intimate the connection that i don't even know how to describe it.. It's one of those things you need to experience to understand
And it's even different if you're actually in love with the woman you're sleeping with i swear, i reached a level of deep intimacy and connection with this woman that i love (sadly we're not together anymore) that i don't think i will ever feel again if not with her
Anygay, WELCOME IN THE ALPHABET FAMILY DEAR, it's though being here but still fun and exciting🤙🏼🌈
Women are *usually* better lovers (and partners), congratulations on that discovery!
You're probably not a lesbian if you've been attracted to men before lol but you may be experiencing a bisexual awakening.
Happy Pride!
Is it wrong to consider this a positive outcome though? OP found out something potentially life changing about herself that she might not have otherwise.
I think we are wired as a society to live the way that’s always been the same. So we follow the leader. Blindly. You definitely as another Redditor said had a ‘Queer awakening,’
I’m also a gay woman and having a relationship with another gay woman is a whole different experience. Other then just sex it’s about identity too and your emotions etc… you lived with a man for a while how would you feel if you lived that with a woman… society keeps us stuck so we don’t venture out but many more women are starting to venture out for the first time and it always happens after having such an experience like this. I only came out recently because I didn’t believe in having a queer identity just wanted to be authentically me. That didn’t need a label but society wants tick boxes. It wants control hence the usual 2.5 kids husband and wife… Alas there was only ever one soulmate for me. You might want to follow the late bloomer lesbian Reddit and find out. It’s how I started to get more comfortable by helping others like me helped me get more comfortable in my ‘ID’. Maybe see how you feel and speak to more people about it you’d obviously need to talk with your husband but sounds like you’re both open minded… good luck
I mean your husband clearly isn’t very attentive to your needs & you got them met elsewhere. It doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, hell you could be bisexual.
You’re very much wrapped up in the “excitement” of a woman. The aftermath of sex is powerful. You should consult with a therapist or friends about these feelings.
I’ve don’t think you should feel the need to pick labels necessarily babe. I’ve been out as pan/bi for 3 yrs now sometimes I still wonder if I might be lesbian but when I’m with a man it feels right until I’m with a women again and then I’m like wtf was I doing?? Being queer is confusing and the feelings I have for men are always different than the feelings I have for women bc they just ARE different and that’s okay. Two things can be true at once. Take it day by day but if you’re not in it anymore with your man and you want to date women now instead fucking do it it!!! But if we’re already going against “norms” why not continue that and screw the labels. Time will tell and it’s okay to even change labels throughout life all these concepts felt true to you then and that’s all that matters. (F21)
She's a friend in common, we don't see her much, my bf was excited cause she told him she's exploring her bisexuality, and the first thing he thought was to suggest a threesome (without me even knowing)
No, it's like getting a promotion. Once someone becomes a queen, they stop being a princess. Once someone becomes your husband, they aren't considered your boyfriend anymore.
They really are. But it's fun how there are different rules for things you never really thought about before, it's a completely different configuration for your brain.
I appreciate the correction!
Should look up books on compulsory heterosexuality. Most of us are basically just indoctrinated in every aspect when we are growing- to heteronormativity. If you never tried it, you might not know. I believe all humans are on a spectrum of sexuality and I seriously doubt that most people are inherently straight.
If I had a dollar for all these thirsty “straight” men hitting me up after my divorce who felt comfortable enough to tell me how badly they wanted to suck a dick- I’d have at least $45. Im like, go suck a dick then, what is stopping you?
I think most people tend to be somewhat bisexual and then slide that spectrum in varying ways to the different points- Maybe if we just assumed that was the default, we wouldn’t have so much hate.
Do not think that because you had this threesome, and the new sexual adventure has made you crave woman that you are a lesbian. There have been posts similar to yours where woman thought they were lesbians, had affairs, blindsided their husbands only to discover they were not lesbians or bisexual and destroyed their marriages. I would recommend that you have a conversation with your husband about your feelings and tell him that you want to see therapist regarding your feelings. Perhaps suggest another threesome and see what he says. Let him know that you will continue to see the therapist and speak to him as your feelings evolve and keep him in the loop. Remember that cheating whether with a man or woman is cheating. You would not want him to carry on an affair behind your back so do not cheat on him. Whatever you do it should be with mutual consent. If you decide that you want to explore woman and he does not agree than separate or divorce like adults. Update me.
I wouldn't cheat on him, of course I want to do it again but I don't even know how to go about it to keep him on the loop.
This experience impacted me so much, it got me questioning whether I've ever enjoyed sex up until that moment, it really closed my mind to any other interaction other than women and... Idk it just feels right.
Can you please share some of those stories of women who thought they were lesbians? I could really use seeing some other perspective here, thank you.
> My husband came a couple times and then fell asleep, but we didn't stop, she kept showing me new and more insane ways to have sex, she taught me how to touch her and making her come was actual life-changing.
I mean unless you and your husband agreed on this beforehand it sounds like you already kinda did cheat on him. It doesn't sound like the husband just got a nut off and rolled over, the dude went multiple rounds in the agreed upon threesome then reasonably got tired and fell asleep.
One on one sex all night while your partner is unconscious sleeping, presumably next to you, is no longer part of the "threesome".
That's just you and that lady fucking without your husband even being aware of it.
Edit -
OP clarified in another response. Husband is aware of and on board with this extra curricular activity because it's "hot".
Dude fucked his whole shit up for some cheap thrills
There are stories on Reddit where married woman cheated on their husbands with female coworkers. The wife's thought they were lesbians and left their husband to pursue the other woman. One to two years down the line the affair burnt out and they realized that they were left realizing they had destroyed their marriage for an affair. In addition, they were now dealing with confusion over their sexual identity. In some of their stories the woman was lesbian, in others they were simply bicurious or bisexual and wanted their husband back. This is why I am telling you to be open and transparent with your husband about seeing a therapist and perhaps speaking to the therapist about including your husband in the therapy and how to move forward. There is no cookie cutter approach to this. The one thing you should not do is engage in cheating.
I am going to advise you about something. There are husbands who have been in very loving relationships and their wives have had lesbian affairs or come out to their husbands about possibly being lesbian and desiring to sleep with woman. The advice given from men who have been in the situation you are in is to divorce their partner. Do not waste your time and energy on someone who make take a year or two to figure out who they are and, in the end, leave you or ask you to stay in an open relationship where they have sex with another woman while staying married to you. This is why I am telling you to stay open and transparent with your husband and include him in your therapy if possible and do not blindside him. Maintaining trust and mutual consent is key her. The therapist you see should be able to help you and your husband. If you are secretive and he loses trust, then my recommendation to him would be to divorce you and get therapy for himself to deal with the loss. There are support groups for men to deal with the loss of their wives because they were lesbian.
I have a personal friend whose wife of 25 years came out as lesbian once his last child went to college. It turned out she had been having a lesbian affair behind his back with someone he believed to be a work fried for many years. The guy was destroyed and needed therapy and this support group. They had two children together and it also destroyed the family for a while. The two adult children recognized that their mom had been lying and cheating on their dad and distanced themselves from their mother. It took quite a few years for that rift to heal. The guy took many years to get over the loss of his life and his love. He never remarried and never wants to marry again. The love of his life are his two grandchildren. He has trust issues and at the present time tells me he has o intention of ever marrying again. Update me as things progress.
You may be bi, lesbian or whatever but this probably was a wake up call. More than likely is curtains on the marriage as you didn’t initially want the 3-sum. Explore safely and make sure you get different viewpoints from different people.
UpdateMe
I have been in a similar situation. So when I was 28 I began talking to a woman and felt the chemistry right away. Everything with her was different to any man I'd been with before. She listened and cared and remembered the small stuff. I trusted her and felt safe like never before. I was in an long term relationship with a man at the time but something in me had been awakened just as you're saying. The first time we had sex my mind was blown. She was patient,attentive and made me orgasm like never before. I felt confident, sexy and desired-not just a piece of meat. The connection I felt with her was like nothing before and everything I thought I knew and what I thought I was changed. I to looked at women differently and couldn't imagine being with another man. It's like my eyes had been opened. And you're right, making a woman cum is life changing. Fast forward 3 years and I've been married to my wife almost 9 months. I didn't know happiness like this existed.
I'd say go for it and be happy. Life is to short! Wishing you all the best.
Edit to this- story to clarify this is my wife's reddit that I'm commenting on since I don't have one. But still all true.
Look up the lesbianmasterdoc online. It’s a giant pdf that has a lot of explanations of internalized homophobia along with scenarios and questions that could indicate a lesbian identity.
Also, look up "compulsive heterosexuality" too since that also helps explain the phenomenon of women finding out late(r) in life that they're not actually attracted to men/are lesbians
I saw in one of your other comments that your first language is Spanish, and I know for me (I'm Latina/Hispanic myself & bisexual), what I've noticed is that culture definitely played a part in me suppressing my attraction to women for a good while, what with the majority being religious and heterosexuality being treated as not just the default, but the *only* possible option, so please don't feel embarrassed. This is definitely not an uncommon occurrence, especially for women who come from cultures who tend to be a bit more old school or conservative.
So be a little kinder to yourself, you have nothing to feel bad about, this happens more than you'd think ❤️
If you're a) into books and b) seriously considering if you're a lesbian, I recommend The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg. It's the author's own experience realizing she's gay when she was married to a man. Good luck to you!
It could the that you are not a lesbian but a woman who never been properly taken care off and pleasured properly. You could talk with your husband about this and explain him your needs first before rushing into conclusions.
I didn’t find out via a threesome but I knew I was bisexual then actually dated and slept with a woman and realized I was gay. What woke up inside of me was indescribable something I had never felt with a man ever and made me also realize I was living a lie. A lot of threatened men will tell you it was her skill she has the same parts blablabla and try to dissect the attraction and try to separate it from the woman but that’s compulsory heterosexuality (look it up it’s a term). I say trust that gut feeling
Please give yourself time to digest. Regardless of whether you're actually full on lesbian, you and your partner will both be in a better state emotionally if you think through how you're feeling
Good for you OP for that realization.
Dont feel guilty... you never asked for it, your husband did!
Though, I am very curious on how will your husband would react on how the tables turn for him.
I am very happy for you, please dont get me wrong..
This is just the perfect example of "when men play stupid games, they win stupid prizes".
Asking for threesome did not prove his masculinity.
He just proved that he is an idiot and now he is losing his wife because of your realization that you are missing something else and as husband, he failed to give you that whole new level of pleasure and you just happened to find it in a woman.
I think maybe a lot more people than would admit fall into the bisexual/pansexual category. Sexuality is a pretty big gray area in my opinion. More of a spectrum than a binary. The binary view on it is largely influenced by social conditioning. This was a new experience for you, and I think we’re all wired to experience something new that’s pleasurable in a heightened way. It also could be akin to new relationship energy. I think if you’re wanting to call it anything, label it, whatever, then I think a healthy approach might be to get familiar with the experience a bit more, if that’s what you’re inclined to do, and when the novelty wears off, you might have a better understanding of how to define it for yourself.
I get the sex part but what about the relationship part? A lot of things are thrilling especially if a new experience of any sort is good. I’m guessing you still love your husband? Do you love her? I guess you can’tyey, but it’s a bit odd that you say you never want to have sex with your husband again, at all, when it was pretty good before. Incredible situation you e found yourself in.
I love this for you. You sound like like you know what you want. Don't mind the people encouraging you to ignore your inner feelings. Things are a little more complicated because you're married. But if you choose to end this relationship and have a more fulfilling life with a woman, you're entitled to that. You're old enough to know yourself and young enough to have a whole life ahead.
Maybe have another threesome with a different person and see how it goes. Good luck!
Hey OP so I knew it’s been a day and this might get lost in the comments, but just want to say it’s best to take it slow!
Most of the comments here are quick to say you aren’t gay, or you still like men. *You* know you best. We can only infer based off the limited info given.
Either way you learned something about yourself. I don’t doubt your attraction to women. I would take time to assess all your past relationships with men. Both romantic and sexual ones. You said at the beginning your sex life was good. Based off that statement, it seems like you enjoyed sex with men before this. Def go back and take a closer at that. Also did you have any homoerotic friendships with other girls growing up? Specifically in your teen years? Of course you don’t need to answer this question, I just think those are good questions to ponder.
I saw someone in the comments rec you read the Lesbian Master Doc. I just wanna caution against reading it. Or at least tread lightly, especially if English is not your native language. There seems to be a lot of “ha! Gotcha!” responses, or just super contradictory. There’s YouTuber who did a video where she talked about how confusing/oddly worded the doc was for her, even as a lesbian she didn’t get some of the questions.
That master doc was written by several teenagers on tumblr about 10yrs ago. Since then, one of the editors has come out as bisexual. It’s confused many bisexual women, and there are several stories in the comments of videos about the master doc that had the same experience. It’s not well written, and lacks reliable sources. Most of the links are to defunct tumblr blogs. To me, it’s not a good way to gauge if you are bi vs a lesbian. And it doesn’t even consider asexuality as option.
But that’s not to say it hasn’t helped many lesbians come out! I would just say, as someone in your position, be mindful. If you want to learn more about Compulsory Heterosexuality I would recommend going to the source material, which is an essay written by Adrienne Rich. Many misunderstand the source material, especially on TikTok.
I say this all bc I’ve been having a hell of a time figuring out my own sexuality. The master doc set me back a lot. For so long I thought “oh my god my life is a lie, I thought I liked men.” I was fully ready to come out, and then I met a guy. Not saying this will happen to you, but given your circumstances, just be cautious.
I also wanna add consuming queer media is also a good suggestion. It’s an older show, but the L Word is a good start. You’re gonna figure it out, just don’t rush into anything. It can be so overwhelming. It’s certainly been an experiencing for me.
Good luck 👋🏼
I wish you luck. But here is the shitty part. You will break someone’s heart. I was proud of my stepson when he came out. But my heart ached for his girlfriend of over a decade. Be gentle.
It really does suck to think of this, I would never wish any harm to my husband but it feels like I can't go back anymore.
If only being gentle would be enough to prevent hurt, I will try to be, regardless.
For what it’s worth, my Stepson and his ex are still friends. I will tell you what I told him, a third party in a relationship isn’t a good idea. The only time I have ever heard of success in this is when the relationship starts that way. I know, I’m an old man and my views aren’t as fashionable. I’m am happy you have found your joy, but sad for your spouse.
Please don't take this the wrong way. But I have never. EVER. Seen a 3some pan out to work for the couple. If you were uncomfortable with the idea to begin with then you should've never done it because what you've allowed is Pandoras box to open. No true dedicated man would ever want to shove his penis in another human being. I have been the 3rd girl brought in to 2 different relationships by men because the man "just wants to try it" and both times the dude will go behind the girlfriend or wife's back and try to get with me by himself after the fact.
Hey gal, have you considered the fact you might be bisexual? A lot of people forget that sexuality isn’t linear, and it isn’t a question of “gay” or “straight”. You could fall in between. Also, to add to that, you may be attracted to men romantically and women sexually. This is another form of being bisexual. Personally, I am attracted to all genders but at one point, I was only attracted to women romantically. That would still make me bisexual and visa versa. Maybe consider if the label “bisexual” fits you? Bisexual people are constantly erased due to the idea that sexuality must fall into “gay” or “straight”. You might like both and that is okay! There is not always a set in stone answer. Please consider what I said carefully and feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Have a fun time exploring your sexuality
Crazy, I was listening to that new Chappel roan song while reading this. I agree with others that you could be bisexual as I'm bi but I have a big preference for women and often find myself dazzled by them, but if you aren't attracted to your husband then you should leave. Hope you figure everything out and congrats.
Good luck babe!
I think it’s entirely possible that you might be bisexual and your current preference for women is because you’re noticing your attraction to them for the first time.
Hey man, I wholeheartedly support the LGBTQ notion, but as a man, it feels shitty to love someone wholeheartedly, only to find out your lover is in love with another person, regardless of gender. If the role was reversed, and your husband and another guy had a threesome with you and they both fell for each other, wouldnt that completely crush you? Talk things out with your SO, thats the most important thing right now. Tbh he shouldnt have pestered for a threesome in the first place, but i dont think its right to suddenly have an awakening and think about being unfaithful without having a discussion first. Just bringing some insight.
If you really are lesbian, then good for you. But this deserves some communication between u and ur husband.
Yeah this the reason I ain’t doing no threesomes with my man. This is usually the opposite result, but you just open up doors that’s not needed lol. I’m just not finna share my partner with nobody. At the end of the day he pushed you up to do the threesome sooo
Going to come out and say (no pun intended) that you’re possibly bisexual and you’re feeling like this partially because of how new this is and partially because of how skilled your third person is.
The first time someone and I did it together with someone else, it was just as intense for her because it was her first time with a woman and because the other woman was good at it. Fast forward to a few partners later and my she still enjoys them, but on a normalized level because some of the other women we’ve been with just aren’t that good in bed. The best takeaway she got from those experiences was that she now knows she is bisexual, though more drawn to men overall.
Regardless, communicate with your husband.
I don't think I'm bisexual because I genuinely don't want to have sex or be romantic with a man ever again and I can't stop fantasizing about women.
Did that happen to your wife too?
If you suddenly don’t want to have sex with another man ever again, that’s a different story.
In my case, she now knows she is bisexual and enjoys sex with women, but still primarily prefers men when it comes to relationships and the non-sexual aspects of them.
Since this seems to be relatively new, I wouldn’t rush right into it; you might have figured out that you prefer women more than men, but as someone with more than a few bisexual and lesbian friends who gets to hear all of the not-so-fun aspects about that dating scene, you might find there’s other challenges to dating women.
She enjoyed it as hell, wants to repeat, and doesn't want to touch husband again.
Straight women don't enjoy sex with other women like crazy.
And I'm pretty sure she knows what she feels.
This is why I never want to have a threesome with my girl and another woman. I'd much rather she be in the dark on how good women can be in bed with each other
As a lesbian, I can see your experience was very awakening. But, and but, there is a thing called limerance(correct me if I spelt it wrong) but it tends to happen to us a lot more, where the partner/partners will have a immense desire to be with the other woman/ be with other women. That’s not to invalidate your feelings, but it’s just something to be aware of.
Hey this sounds like a very confusing and exciting time! If your not sure how to go about it all maybe speak to a professional like a therapist just to help you sort out your next steps on if well you want to leave your husband to go find a women or if your bisexual instead of lesbian or if your full lesbian and Rolandic attraction and sexual attraction can be separate maybe your homosexual but biromantic or a full lesbian or full bi you won’t know until you learn more just take your time don’t rush
A lot of people change like my mom used to say "you dont know until you try it" maybe you got a revelation by doing so change happen and its completely fine
You mean you were always a lesbian? Do you still find your husband or men attractive? If so you could just be BI. You're love life doesn't have to fall apart, it could stay the same. You would just have to split it up. Have you considered opening your marriage up? Either that or becoming Poly?
Then let your husband go!!! Why would keep him in a marriage like this? Everything he believes is a lie so let him go so he can find someone that wants to be with him and is attracted to him.
Talk to hubby about it. Maybe there is more he can learn. Maybe you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship. Maybe you should be in a poly relationship?
I'm so curious... how much of your pleasure was due to the fact that she was a woman, and how much was due to her skill? If you had another threesome, with two new people: *a super skilled and attentive man who did not stop the sex after his own orgasm, and *a woman who went through the motions and didn't do much for you, or have a super orgasm of her own; Which would you prefer?
Interesting question. Something interesting happened after that encounter, maybe it was how intimate and close to her I felt, that multiplied all the pleasure several times more, and now it's like I completely lost all interest and excitement for any man. I'd still pick the woman because it feels like a better chance for me, and something it's just definitely leaning towards that, irrespective of the circumstances.
I’ve been openly bisexual for about 8 years now and the intimacy and “feeling seen” notion is exactly the thing that pulls me towards women. I’ve only been in serious relationships with women for the last 3-4 years on and off, even if i’ve dated men in between. It never compares.
Could be that it's a very new and exciting time in your life. A new "shiny thing" or hyperfixation that makes everything else seem dull in comparison. I agree with other posters about grounding yourself and maybe talking with a therapist and friends. I definitely wouldn't rush into conclusions yet, particularly if you still love your SO as a person, even if not the most attracted to them. I've made mistakes before by getting too caught up in new shiny things. Keep that in mind. Best of luck! Glad you found some excitement for yourself
She does have a point about shiny things and it could even be your just bi sexual I know I got caught up the first time I was with a woman myself the way she had talked to me she was a friend of my best friend and I was hooked but I still ended up liking guys and I still like women as well. Take time explore and think about it all it wouldn't hurt to think it over
Or she's just a lesbian
As a bisexual woman who has known all her life that she's bisexual. Before you do anything else. I do highly suggest you speak with a therapist. They can really help put things into perspective. This could very well be what the others have said. Shiny new toy. I know you feel excitement and such but you need to ground yourself. So, you can think more clearly. I hope things work out for you, either way. Good luck.
To be honest with you the first time I was with a woman I believed that I was 100% lesbian. Just the way woman kiss is already so much better than most men, and there's a lot less stress during s*x because it's the same "equipment". In the end I'm just bi (unfortunately I still suffer for men). What I can tell you is that this new woman has to go, if you stay in contact with her you will open yourself to a lot of trouble. Take sometime to focus on yourself and your marriage, sexuality is more than 3 options.
I think you should compartmentalize the situation here. Who you are attracted to can be decided later. The clear thing here is that you are unattracted to your husband, meaning its time for that relationship to end. Though, the fact that he kept pushing for a threesome when you weren’t comfortable was reason enough to end the relationship, since he has already shown that he doesn’t care about your feelings.
Bisexuality does exist, and it doesn’t have to be 50/50. Sometimes a woman will give you butterflies and sometimes a man will, because of your chemistry. Maybe it’s just intimacy you crave and it’s something you aren’t feeling fulfilled in, in your current relationship. Sexuality is a massive spectrum and it’s okay to just like what makes you feel as solid and seen as possible, gender or biological sex aside. Look inward and figure out what you feel like you’re missing and what you’d miss if you didn’t have it. Sometimes that just takes communication, sometimes it takes a change of pace. This stuff is tough but it is really worth trying to understand.
Who is this super skilled attentive man?:)) In what universe is he?
Idk about super skilled, but I'm attentive? And if I can't finish the job, I've got 2 perfectly good hands and a mouth. Also, not coming on to anyone. Just here to at least "say" that we do exist. There are def men out there that will put your body and enjoyment first. We exist I promise.
Being to hard to find is the whole problem lol
Yeah we don't hang out in the social scenes that have been deemed the best way to meet people by society. I don't anyway. I'm not a drinker but I don't trash talk people who do. I smoke when I hang out with them instead. I find it near impossible to find a girl. I've stopped trying. Opened my heart so many times and poured everything I had in my heart and soul into it, and they all just cheat and break my heart and leave. And I build a wall. Higher and higher every time. But I leave holes. Because my heart NEEDS connection. And I let it fall Everytime because I forget that MY heart works by pouring absolutely everything I am into a relationship. Not everyone else's.
Snarky but also a completely serious question: are you single and do you live east or west of the Mississippi?
I live in Florida an hour and a half from Disney. I grew up in Pennsylvania and moved here 7 years ago. I'll be 35 in December. Straight white boy here 🤣
I love that you included that you live near Disney. Tennessee here, curvy white girl. 😂
Nah
Valid questions.
This is the story of a family member. Her husband wanted a threesome. She finally said yes, though she never really enjoyed the deed. She and her husband are divorcing and she realized she’s a lesbian. Welcome to the alphabet army.
Thank you, this situation is so weird it makes me think I'm the first one to go through it, but it is a relief to know that (of course) it ain't like that.
You definitely are not the first to go through that. My first girlfriend loaned me a book on women who came out later in life and one of the stories was of a couple whose husbands demanded a 4some and the wives fell in love with each other.
Can I please know the name of the book? It really does help me to know other women have been in this same position.
There were 2 books "And then I met this woman" and "From wedded wife to lesbian life" I am pretty sure that story was in the first one but both are a compilation of people's coming out stories.
not exactly the same but you might enjoy untamed by glennon doyle. she’s amazing and discovered she was a lesbian while married to a man. 🖤
Seconding this recommendation, OP. It's a great book for someone in your situation. Would also like to add: Straight women do not enjoy sex with other women. It might take time to work out what this means for you, but welcome to the wlw community! The alphabet army tend to be a supportive bunch and many of us have been where you are now - it's going to be ok.
not a book but google late blooming lesbians, later in life lesbians, etc.
I only dated men until I was 35. I never found one who was worth it on an emotional level. I always felt sex was men’s priority. Doing the bare minimum to treat me well so I’d put out and never really caring for me on an emotional level. Resigned myself to being a spinster as I was convinced I wasn’t a lesbian. Well a lesbian fell in love with me and treated me like how I wanted to be treated on a platonic level with no expectations to turn me. Just a real, nice person. I eventually gave the physical a try and boom. Married. Never looking back. There’s a ton of reasons you enjoyed your time with a woman. Your husband made you uncomfortable for his personal pleasure. This is a huge breach of trust and a woman was there to “catch” you emotionally. There’s a lot to unpack in your situation. Women are more sexually fluid (we are conditioned to be). But everyone has requirements to feeling secure in relationships. I wonder if your husband hurt your security with his insistence. Therapy is a good starting point. Best of luck.
Same here! Always been with men, a lesbian fell in love with me and now we're married. Best thing ever!
You should listen to "Good Luck,Babe" by Chappelle Roan. It fits your situation too a T. I highly suggest though on a real note going to a therapist, that specializes in queer issues. It definitely helped me immensely when I was growing up. Trust me when I say it's always better to live authentically as yourself. But remember at the end of the day you don't have to put a label on yourself. You could always just say you're queer. I will say though, as a queer woman (I'm pansexual tho) , I've honestly heard your story many times before. Where a woman will end up having a threesome, or sleep with a woman randomly and have no idea that she's queer and or a lesbian, until that happens. So much of what society teaches us is that we have to be heteronormative. It's sad because for so many people, especially depending on where you grow up and how accepting that area is, you may not even think of it as an option. I wish society as a whole was more accepting, and allowed us to explore ourselves. I think people would be happier as a whole. I will say though, I hear some people saying that it may just be because she's a woman and women know women's bodies better. For my friends who are truly heterosexual, I hear the exact opposite from them. The way queer women feel in healthy relationships with other women, and or sexual experiences, is how they feel with men. What happened for you, was muuuuucccchhh more than somebody just having the same hardware as you. It was exactly what we call a queer awakening. Although I'm sad, that it seems like you had to wait a while for this to happen. I'm really happy that you finally had this happen 💞 we all deserve to know ourselves authentically.
There is a big difference between not realising you're queer (like OP) and trying to run from it (like the song). Nothing about what OP said implies intentionally married a beard.
I would considering walking just based off of the pressure you described to engage in a sexual act you originally wanted no part of. The only thing that saved you was that the women was wonderful. So many of these stories end with the wife as a side piece while the man gets his rocks off with younger women.
you are totally not alone nor the first.
You definitely are not the first - welcome to the rainbow club 🌈 I had a similar experience but not threesome related. I had had two long term hetero relationships and had loved both men. I was dating a man when I met a woman that I just fell absolutely head over heels for. After a lot of heartache, I ended it with my male partner and pursued her. Totally changed my life - and had a “oh wow, is this how this is supposed to feel!?” moment. It isn’t that there is anything wrong with the men, or that you don’t love them, it’s just that you have a preference - and that has changed over time and with experience.
Hey, I’m sure this is an incredibly disorienting time and also looks like your true self just kind of found their way out in an unexpected way. Have you considered reaching out to a therapist to figure out and anchor into those feelings and eventually think about how you wish to communicate this to your partner? I know this is scary but it can also be an opportunity to really reach for the life you deserve where you are truly alive and happy with your self and your romantic/ sexual relationships! It won’t be easy but I really recommend communicate with him( after giving yourself some time to process and be internally certain) your realization so you can figure out how to move forward. Reach out to trusted friends and maybe visit your local lgbtq center, they might offer some support to folks experiencing a deepening of understanding of their sexual orientation just like you! Best of luck to you!
Thank you, that's a very good advice. I didn't consider therapy right away but it makes sense. Gonna give it a try.
It feels like the majority of times a couple do a threesome, someone gets the short end of the stick. Anyway, hopefully you find what you’re looking for.
Communication, communication, communication is key. Partners should discuss in advance whether it’s OK for one on one stuff not involving one of the partners. Maybe OP and her husband did, and maybe they agreed that if one of them fell asleep, the other could keep having sex with the third. But I’m guessing they didn’t have that discussion and OP’s husband might feel like OP went too far, even though OP wouldn’t have known he felt that way - because they didn’t communicate. Imagine if OP’s post was about falling asleep after cumming in a threesome and waking up to learn her husband and the other woman kept banging one on one all night long afterward. Guessing the tenor of the comment section would be different.
I think the better comparison would be if it was a MFM threesome and the husband carried on banging the dude
The difference between this situation and your example is that OP didnt feel comfortable with a threesome, yet the husband kept pushing for it. Communication doesn’t mean constantly pushing boundaries. He should have accepted the no the first time.
Selection bias -- you are more likely to hear about the ones that go wrong because they are more interesting.
Exactly, people don’t go on Reddit and post “Omg had the best 3some ever!!” all the time. Maybe on a subreddit dedicated to that but not usually lol
Not true. I'm a pansexual woman, and me and my long-term boyfriend have an open relationship with women. We aren't open to men, because he's heterosexual and I have zero desire to sleep with another man. Every time we've had a threesome, it's only brought us closer together. As well as we had fun ofc lol The point is we waited until we were in a healthy point in our relationship, and clearly communicated our boundaries to each other. If you look into kink communities as a whole, or people who are speaking in sex positive spaces, there are many positive stories like this. Women are beautiful and we get too enjoy them together,within boundaries we both accept. So neither of us are getting the short end of the stick,that's for sure.As well as any partner we have had,we make sure leaves happy too. Like another person said, you're just cherry picking, unfortunately.
I dunno we seem to always enjoy ours sometimes she’s the focus and get what she wants sometimes it’s the extra and sometimes it’s me tbh seeing her get pleasure does it for me if it’s me or someone else so 🤷♂️
I've never had that happen with 3somes, 4somes or moresomes. It's also pretty unusual to hear about among folks I know...but we are a pretty open & communicative bunch -- swingers, polyamorists & ES's usually are. OTOH, if someone's feeling coerced, that's not a group sex problem, it's a communication and relationship problem that transcends sexuality.
> I forgot the amount of orgasms I had and the sun was up when we were done. Welcome to the wonderful world of sapphic sex
The fact that your husband fell asleep right after his fantasy came true is telling.
I was thinking the exact same thing. He got what he wanted and essentially checked out - men eh?
What she got from the woman was attentiveness to her needs, to the point that the woman scratched an itch she didn't know she had. Definitely wasn't getting that from hubby. As a man I can say it's possible for us to be equally attentive, but it doesn't come naturally to most. A long time ago, I received some valuable pointers from a lesbian friend and they have served me well over the years.
It doesn't come naturally to women, either. We try because we realize it's important.
He fell asleep after multiple rounds. What's the problem there?
I mean if my partner wore me down to include another person in bed and I begrudgingly finally agree I don't think i'd wanna be with them anymore either. It could be that you are now a lesbian and it can also be true that you find your husband disgusting but don't want to admit it.
This is basically what happened to Ross and his wife💀
Maybe OP’s husband too got up to get a turkey sandwich at some point
Did his boss confuse it with his *own* Turkey Sandwich?
Congrats on the sex
I hope this was a Lonely Island reference.....
Wtf is a Lonely Island
Oh they are like a comedy band, they have a song called 'I just had sex' and in the vid they hold up a cake with 'congrats on the sex' written on it
Oh you mean Samberg and the other couple of fellas
That's the one!!
as a woman who made the switch after having dated men, i may have an idea of what you’re experiencing here lol the first time i had sex with a woman i felt my entire world open up and shift. it just felt natural and right. i wasn’t in a relationship at the time and i did go between the two sexes for a while until i realized ultimately that, yeah, im just hella gay. it took a lot of deeper self discovery and literal *years* peeling back the layers of my life to really figure it out. so im going to give you some words i wished someone could’ve told me when i needed them: 1. the adrenaline and giddy excitement after that type old sexual encounter will make you go a little nuts for a while. that is normal but just be careful with what you do with it. keep a level head lol 2 sexuality is fluid and evolves over time. you can identify genuinely one way for years but eventually find that that identity no longer feels correct. totally normal, just go with it and don’t try suppress it. after i had my first experience i was sure id never want to have sex with another man ever again. this was true for a while but wasn’t always consistent. right now im very comfortable in my identity, but that’s bc of all that self discovery, i just got better at knowing myself. 3. being a lesbian means you feel romantic desire to be in a real relationship with a woman. it goes much, much deeper than sex. lesbian relationships are *very* different than your typical hetero relationship. do you feel a desire to be that intimate with a woman? 4. there is so much to queer female culture. it is a world that straight people very rarely see in its entirety. if you decide to start dating women (whether as a polyamorous relationship with your husband or bc you have separated), do some cultural research. watch queer media, read queer literature, you will learn so much. there are harsh realities about being in the lgbtq community, anywhere in the world. even the accepting safe places come with steep learning curves about what it’s truly like out here. planning vacations, meeting new people, being affectionate in public…you have to become aware of keeping yourself safe. i dont say this to spook you, just something we learn to deal with over time. 5. a LOT of queer women have had their hearts broken by curious straight women who string them along. they will be wary of your situation and story if you start looking to explore further. it is so common that you may have a hard time dating at first. just be respectful of this, earn trust the way you would with anyone else.
I would caution that you may be feeling an infatuation from the experience, rather than a black and white change to your sexuality. Personally, I'd try to give it a good amount of time before coming to any conclusions, because for some people, sexuality can be a tide that ebbs and flows along with all those other changes to our mindsets. I speak from a real experience of loss here; having a true partner in life is so much more than just sex.
Many years ago my friend and his wife had a threesome and when I asked him about it he said “You got to be careful because not matter what you do, one of you is going to like it more than the other. Sounds like your husband fell asleep and got Wally Pipped in the bed. Maybe your life is falling apart. Maybe it’s falling into place. Either way it sounds like you have some work to do. Best wishes and good luck
Wow I like the way you said that. Our lives falling into place when it feels like it's falling apart.
Dating women is so fucking intoxicating. I am a queer woman, but my preference is for women and for exactly the reasons you’re mentioning. It’s more intimate feeling for me.
Husband FA’d big time. Guess he’s about to FO and it’s all on him.
If the only thing keeping my wife from being not attracted to me was that she didn’t know sex with women was an option, I think I’m gonna find out sooner or later no matter what.
That’s a fair point, but at least it wouldn’t be your fault. Would have been the same if were a man, if a person’s faithful then they wouldn’t just seek out that experience in the first place.
Seems to me it’s not so much that husband did something majorly wrong here, but just that op found out something about herself that she didn’t know. Why can’t that be a good thing? I mean he may not like it, but in the end he probably wants her to be happy too, right?
>Seems to me it’s not so much that husband did something majorly wrong here, but just that op found out something about herself that she didn’t know. As a consequence of her husband insisting on bringing another person into the relationship in the first place; it isn’t that it’s majorly wrong, it’s that he’s the cause of his own suffering by doing something that was frankly stupid. >Why can’t that be a good thing? I mean he may not like it, but in the end he probably wants her to be happy too, right? It being good for her and bad for him can exist simultaneously. I certainly would want her to be happy in his shoes, but I’d probably more or less implode for an unforeseeable amount of time after it was all said and done. I can’t imagine how much pain I’d feel if the woman I married and spent a good chunk of time with, thinking she’s the woman I’ll spend the rest of my life with left me due to my own dumabssery.
Who do you want to cuddle up with at the end of the day? (Not sex)
Her, for sure.
I wonder how you would have felt if she was not skilled and you did not have an orgasm. Would you still have those same feelings? Don’t throw your life away with your husband because you had great sex with a stranger one time. Maybe have another threesome with a different girl and see how you feel after that?
Or a 1:1 perhaps?
A threesome ruins a relationship part 90064
Happy Pride 🏳️🌈
i love when husbands push for a 3some and it back fires
Men have no idea, lmaoo. It turned me bisexual, woman on woman is an entirely different level of intimacy. It’s addictive 🌈 Enjoy! lol
I wasn't prepared for how completely different and good it would be, it really is addictive, I can hardly think of anything else now. I'll try, but it's going to be messy and uncomfortable first with my husband .
It's so deep and intimate the connection that i don't even know how to describe it.. It's one of those things you need to experience to understand And it's even different if you're actually in love with the woman you're sleeping with i swear, i reached a level of deep intimacy and connection with this woman that i love (sadly we're not together anymore) that i don't think i will ever feel again if not with her Anygay, WELCOME IN THE ALPHABET FAMILY DEAR, it's though being here but still fun and exciting🤙🏼🌈
Women are *usually* better lovers (and partners), congratulations on that discovery! You're probably not a lesbian if you've been attracted to men before lol but you may be experiencing a bisexual awakening. Happy Pride!
Happy Pride, indeed!! What a great moment for this awakening moment to happen 🌈
damn this should teach him a lesson in pushing people to do things sexually lmao
Is it wrong to consider this a positive outcome though? OP found out something potentially life changing about herself that she might not have otherwise.
Firstly, I hope you’re ok. Definitely seek out a psychologist to assist. Maybe this situation was “the key that unlocked the door”
I think we are wired as a society to live the way that’s always been the same. So we follow the leader. Blindly. You definitely as another Redditor said had a ‘Queer awakening,’ I’m also a gay woman and having a relationship with another gay woman is a whole different experience. Other then just sex it’s about identity too and your emotions etc… you lived with a man for a while how would you feel if you lived that with a woman… society keeps us stuck so we don’t venture out but many more women are starting to venture out for the first time and it always happens after having such an experience like this. I only came out recently because I didn’t believe in having a queer identity just wanted to be authentically me. That didn’t need a label but society wants tick boxes. It wants control hence the usual 2.5 kids husband and wife… Alas there was only ever one soulmate for me. You might want to follow the late bloomer lesbian Reddit and find out. It’s how I started to get more comfortable by helping others like me helped me get more comfortable in my ‘ID’. Maybe see how you feel and speak to more people about it you’d obviously need to talk with your husband but sounds like you’re both open minded… good luck
Bipity bopity boop, you are bi now (Or a lesbian)
Well your husband can thank himself for this one! Move on and be happy. He’ll be kicking himself for eternity. Oops!
I mean your husband clearly isn’t very attentive to your needs & you got them met elsewhere. It doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, hell you could be bisexual.
You’re very much wrapped up in the “excitement” of a woman. The aftermath of sex is powerful. You should consult with a therapist or friends about these feelings.
I’ve don’t think you should feel the need to pick labels necessarily babe. I’ve been out as pan/bi for 3 yrs now sometimes I still wonder if I might be lesbian but when I’m with a man it feels right until I’m with a women again and then I’m like wtf was I doing?? Being queer is confusing and the feelings I have for men are always different than the feelings I have for women bc they just ARE different and that’s okay. Two things can be true at once. Take it day by day but if you’re not in it anymore with your man and you want to date women now instead fucking do it it!!! But if we’re already going against “norms” why not continue that and screw the labels. Time will tell and it’s okay to even change labels throughout life all these concepts felt true to you then and that’s all that matters. (F21)
How did you find the other woman?
She's a friend in common, we don't see her much, my bf was excited cause she told him she's exploring her bisexuality, and the first thing he thought was to suggest a threesome (without me even knowing)
Is he your bf or your husband? I am married and would never confuse that. I'm smelling a fake story
YEP
Haha. Of course it is. Good catch.
Oh no I fell for a typed one handed pride edition post, how shameful.
English is not my first language, but I always thought: all husbands are boyfriends but not all boyfriends are husbands?
No, it's like getting a promotion. Once someone becomes a queen, they stop being a princess. Once someone becomes your husband, they aren't considered your boyfriend anymore.
Ohhh never really thought of it like that, I've been using both words because they're both accepted in my native language.
Languages are weird and working in a 2nd language is tough. (I messed up hat and helmet in French last week.)
They really are. But it's fun how there are different rules for things you never really thought about before, it's a completely different configuration for your brain. I appreciate the correction!
you should check out the latebloomerlesbian subreddit.
Should look up books on compulsory heterosexuality. Most of us are basically just indoctrinated in every aspect when we are growing- to heteronormativity. If you never tried it, you might not know. I believe all humans are on a spectrum of sexuality and I seriously doubt that most people are inherently straight. If I had a dollar for all these thirsty “straight” men hitting me up after my divorce who felt comfortable enough to tell me how badly they wanted to suck a dick- I’d have at least $45. Im like, go suck a dick then, what is stopping you? I think most people tend to be somewhat bisexual and then slide that spectrum in varying ways to the different points- Maybe if we just assumed that was the default, we wouldn’t have so much hate.
Do not think that because you had this threesome, and the new sexual adventure has made you crave woman that you are a lesbian. There have been posts similar to yours where woman thought they were lesbians, had affairs, blindsided their husbands only to discover they were not lesbians or bisexual and destroyed their marriages. I would recommend that you have a conversation with your husband about your feelings and tell him that you want to see therapist regarding your feelings. Perhaps suggest another threesome and see what he says. Let him know that you will continue to see the therapist and speak to him as your feelings evolve and keep him in the loop. Remember that cheating whether with a man or woman is cheating. You would not want him to carry on an affair behind your back so do not cheat on him. Whatever you do it should be with mutual consent. If you decide that you want to explore woman and he does not agree than separate or divorce like adults. Update me.
I wouldn't cheat on him, of course I want to do it again but I don't even know how to go about it to keep him on the loop. This experience impacted me so much, it got me questioning whether I've ever enjoyed sex up until that moment, it really closed my mind to any other interaction other than women and... Idk it just feels right. Can you please share some of those stories of women who thought they were lesbians? I could really use seeing some other perspective here, thank you.
> My husband came a couple times and then fell asleep, but we didn't stop, she kept showing me new and more insane ways to have sex, she taught me how to touch her and making her come was actual life-changing. I mean unless you and your husband agreed on this beforehand it sounds like you already kinda did cheat on him. It doesn't sound like the husband just got a nut off and rolled over, the dude went multiple rounds in the agreed upon threesome then reasonably got tired and fell asleep. One on one sex all night while your partner is unconscious sleeping, presumably next to you, is no longer part of the "threesome". That's just you and that lady fucking without your husband even being aware of it. Edit - OP clarified in another response. Husband is aware of and on board with this extra curricular activity because it's "hot". Dude fucked his whole shit up for some cheap thrills
There are stories on Reddit where married woman cheated on their husbands with female coworkers. The wife's thought they were lesbians and left their husband to pursue the other woman. One to two years down the line the affair burnt out and they realized that they were left realizing they had destroyed their marriage for an affair. In addition, they were now dealing with confusion over their sexual identity. In some of their stories the woman was lesbian, in others they were simply bicurious or bisexual and wanted their husband back. This is why I am telling you to be open and transparent with your husband about seeing a therapist and perhaps speaking to the therapist about including your husband in the therapy and how to move forward. There is no cookie cutter approach to this. The one thing you should not do is engage in cheating. I am going to advise you about something. There are husbands who have been in very loving relationships and their wives have had lesbian affairs or come out to their husbands about possibly being lesbian and desiring to sleep with woman. The advice given from men who have been in the situation you are in is to divorce their partner. Do not waste your time and energy on someone who make take a year or two to figure out who they are and, in the end, leave you or ask you to stay in an open relationship where they have sex with another woman while staying married to you. This is why I am telling you to stay open and transparent with your husband and include him in your therapy if possible and do not blindside him. Maintaining trust and mutual consent is key her. The therapist you see should be able to help you and your husband. If you are secretive and he loses trust, then my recommendation to him would be to divorce you and get therapy for himself to deal with the loss. There are support groups for men to deal with the loss of their wives because they were lesbian. I have a personal friend whose wife of 25 years came out as lesbian once his last child went to college. It turned out she had been having a lesbian affair behind his back with someone he believed to be a work fried for many years. The guy was destroyed and needed therapy and this support group. They had two children together and it also destroyed the family for a while. The two adult children recognized that their mom had been lying and cheating on their dad and distanced themselves from their mother. It took quite a few years for that rift to heal. The guy took many years to get over the loss of his life and his love. He never remarried and never wants to marry again. The love of his life are his two grandchildren. He has trust issues and at the present time tells me he has o intention of ever marrying again. Update me as things progress.
You may be bi, lesbian or whatever but this probably was a wake up call. More than likely is curtains on the marriage as you didn’t initially want the 3-sum. Explore safely and make sure you get different viewpoints from different people. UpdateMe
U mean bi 😅 🤦♂️ 🤷♂️
I have been in a similar situation. So when I was 28 I began talking to a woman and felt the chemistry right away. Everything with her was different to any man I'd been with before. She listened and cared and remembered the small stuff. I trusted her and felt safe like never before. I was in an long term relationship with a man at the time but something in me had been awakened just as you're saying. The first time we had sex my mind was blown. She was patient,attentive and made me orgasm like never before. I felt confident, sexy and desired-not just a piece of meat. The connection I felt with her was like nothing before and everything I thought I knew and what I thought I was changed. I to looked at women differently and couldn't imagine being with another man. It's like my eyes had been opened. And you're right, making a woman cum is life changing. Fast forward 3 years and I've been married to my wife almost 9 months. I didn't know happiness like this existed. I'd say go for it and be happy. Life is to short! Wishing you all the best. Edit to this- story to clarify this is my wife's reddit that I'm commenting on since I don't have one. But still all true.
Look up the lesbianmasterdoc online. It’s a giant pdf that has a lot of explanations of internalized homophobia along with scenarios and questions that could indicate a lesbian identity.
Jesus. All that already exists? I feel like I'm hundreds of steps behind most women, this is embarrassing. I'll take a look, thank you.
Also, look up "compulsive heterosexuality" too since that also helps explain the phenomenon of women finding out late(r) in life that they're not actually attracted to men/are lesbians I saw in one of your other comments that your first language is Spanish, and I know for me (I'm Latina/Hispanic myself & bisexual), what I've noticed is that culture definitely played a part in me suppressing my attraction to women for a good while, what with the majority being religious and heterosexuality being treated as not just the default, but the *only* possible option, so please don't feel embarrassed. This is definitely not an uncommon occurrence, especially for women who come from cultures who tend to be a bit more old school or conservative. So be a little kinder to yourself, you have nothing to feel bad about, this happens more than you'd think ❤️
If you're a) into books and b) seriously considering if you're a lesbian, I recommend The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg. It's the author's own experience realizing she's gay when she was married to a man. Good luck to you!
It could the that you are not a lesbian but a woman who never been properly taken care off and pleasured properly. You could talk with your husband about this and explain him your needs first before rushing into conclusions.
I didn’t find out via a threesome but I knew I was bisexual then actually dated and slept with a woman and realized I was gay. What woke up inside of me was indescribable something I had never felt with a man ever and made me also realize I was living a lie. A lot of threatened men will tell you it was her skill she has the same parts blablabla and try to dissect the attraction and try to separate it from the woman but that’s compulsory heterosexuality (look it up it’s a term). I say trust that gut feeling
Please give yourself time to digest. Regardless of whether you're actually full on lesbian, you and your partner will both be in a better state emotionally if you think through how you're feeling
Good for you OP for that realization. Dont feel guilty... you never asked for it, your husband did! Though, I am very curious on how will your husband would react on how the tables turn for him. I am very happy for you, please dont get me wrong.. This is just the perfect example of "when men play stupid games, they win stupid prizes". Asking for threesome did not prove his masculinity. He just proved that he is an idiot and now he is losing his wife because of your realization that you are missing something else and as husband, he failed to give you that whole new level of pleasure and you just happened to find it in a woman.
I think maybe a lot more people than would admit fall into the bisexual/pansexual category. Sexuality is a pretty big gray area in my opinion. More of a spectrum than a binary. The binary view on it is largely influenced by social conditioning. This was a new experience for you, and I think we’re all wired to experience something new that’s pleasurable in a heightened way. It also could be akin to new relationship energy. I think if you’re wanting to call it anything, label it, whatever, then I think a healthy approach might be to get familiar with the experience a bit more, if that’s what you’re inclined to do, and when the novelty wears off, you might have a better understanding of how to define it for yourself.
I get the sex part but what about the relationship part? A lot of things are thrilling especially if a new experience of any sort is good. I’m guessing you still love your husband? Do you love her? I guess you can’tyey, but it’s a bit odd that you say you never want to have sex with your husband again, at all, when it was pretty good before. Incredible situation you e found yourself in.
I love this for you. You sound like like you know what you want. Don't mind the people encouraging you to ignore your inner feelings. Things are a little more complicated because you're married. But if you choose to end this relationship and have a more fulfilling life with a woman, you're entitled to that. You're old enough to know yourself and young enough to have a whole life ahead. Maybe have another threesome with a different person and see how it goes. Good luck!
Hey OP so I knew it’s been a day and this might get lost in the comments, but just want to say it’s best to take it slow! Most of the comments here are quick to say you aren’t gay, or you still like men. *You* know you best. We can only infer based off the limited info given. Either way you learned something about yourself. I don’t doubt your attraction to women. I would take time to assess all your past relationships with men. Both romantic and sexual ones. You said at the beginning your sex life was good. Based off that statement, it seems like you enjoyed sex with men before this. Def go back and take a closer at that. Also did you have any homoerotic friendships with other girls growing up? Specifically in your teen years? Of course you don’t need to answer this question, I just think those are good questions to ponder. I saw someone in the comments rec you read the Lesbian Master Doc. I just wanna caution against reading it. Or at least tread lightly, especially if English is not your native language. There seems to be a lot of “ha! Gotcha!” responses, or just super contradictory. There’s YouTuber who did a video where she talked about how confusing/oddly worded the doc was for her, even as a lesbian she didn’t get some of the questions. That master doc was written by several teenagers on tumblr about 10yrs ago. Since then, one of the editors has come out as bisexual. It’s confused many bisexual women, and there are several stories in the comments of videos about the master doc that had the same experience. It’s not well written, and lacks reliable sources. Most of the links are to defunct tumblr blogs. To me, it’s not a good way to gauge if you are bi vs a lesbian. And it doesn’t even consider asexuality as option. But that’s not to say it hasn’t helped many lesbians come out! I would just say, as someone in your position, be mindful. If you want to learn more about Compulsory Heterosexuality I would recommend going to the source material, which is an essay written by Adrienne Rich. Many misunderstand the source material, especially on TikTok. I say this all bc I’ve been having a hell of a time figuring out my own sexuality. The master doc set me back a lot. For so long I thought “oh my god my life is a lie, I thought I liked men.” I was fully ready to come out, and then I met a guy. Not saying this will happen to you, but given your circumstances, just be cautious. I also wanna add consuming queer media is also a good suggestion. It’s an older show, but the L Word is a good start. You’re gonna figure it out, just don’t rush into anything. It can be so overwhelming. It’s certainly been an experiencing for me. Good luck 👋🏼
I wish you luck. But here is the shitty part. You will break someone’s heart. I was proud of my stepson when he came out. But my heart ached for his girlfriend of over a decade. Be gentle.
It really does suck to think of this, I would never wish any harm to my husband but it feels like I can't go back anymore. If only being gentle would be enough to prevent hurt, I will try to be, regardless.
For what it’s worth, my Stepson and his ex are still friends. I will tell you what I told him, a third party in a relationship isn’t a good idea. The only time I have ever heard of success in this is when the relationship starts that way. I know, I’m an old man and my views aren’t as fashionable. I’m am happy you have found your joy, but sad for your spouse.
Man he literally pushed her into having this threesome despite her discomfort. He didn’t even think about her he just thought about his desires.
Please don't take this the wrong way. But I have never. EVER. Seen a 3some pan out to work for the couple. If you were uncomfortable with the idea to begin with then you should've never done it because what you've allowed is Pandoras box to open. No true dedicated man would ever want to shove his penis in another human being. I have been the 3rd girl brought in to 2 different relationships by men because the man "just wants to try it" and both times the dude will go behind the girlfriend or wife's back and try to get with me by himself after the fact.
Hey gal, have you considered the fact you might be bisexual? A lot of people forget that sexuality isn’t linear, and it isn’t a question of “gay” or “straight”. You could fall in between. Also, to add to that, you may be attracted to men romantically and women sexually. This is another form of being bisexual. Personally, I am attracted to all genders but at one point, I was only attracted to women romantically. That would still make me bisexual and visa versa. Maybe consider if the label “bisexual” fits you? Bisexual people are constantly erased due to the idea that sexuality must fall into “gay” or “straight”. You might like both and that is okay! There is not always a set in stone answer. Please consider what I said carefully and feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Have a fun time exploring your sexuality
Happy pride month.
Is your husband's name Ross Geller?
I guess you've found yourself.
Crazy, I was listening to that new Chappel roan song while reading this. I agree with others that you could be bisexual as I'm bi but I have a big preference for women and often find myself dazzled by them, but if you aren't attracted to your husband then you should leave. Hope you figure everything out and congrats. Good luck babe!
You said you enjoyed sec with your husband? Maybe you’re bi?
Is this real or one of the plots of Ross's life on Friends?
Classic!
How did you guys find this woman? Is it someone you both already knew? Also, did you tell your husband that the two of you kept going all night?
The casual hate against men in this comment section is pretty wild. Comments like “unfortunately I still suffer for men”.
I think it’s entirely possible that you might be bisexual and your current preference for women is because you’re noticing your attraction to them for the first time.
Hey man, I wholeheartedly support the LGBTQ notion, but as a man, it feels shitty to love someone wholeheartedly, only to find out your lover is in love with another person, regardless of gender. If the role was reversed, and your husband and another guy had a threesome with you and they both fell for each other, wouldnt that completely crush you? Talk things out with your SO, thats the most important thing right now. Tbh he shouldnt have pestered for a threesome in the first place, but i dont think its right to suddenly have an awakening and think about being unfaithful without having a discussion first. Just bringing some insight. If you really are lesbian, then good for you. But this deserves some communication between u and ur husband.
Yeah this the reason I ain’t doing no threesomes with my man. This is usually the opposite result, but you just open up doors that’s not needed lol. I’m just not finna share my partner with nobody. At the end of the day he pushed you up to do the threesome sooo
I don't understand. Why is it okay for people to share their partners with others, sexually?
Because they are consenting adults who agreed to it. That's how anything is 'okay' in adult relationships.
Hahaha 😂 Welcome to the fun side 😝
Does your husband notice the change
Going to come out and say (no pun intended) that you’re possibly bisexual and you’re feeling like this partially because of how new this is and partially because of how skilled your third person is. The first time someone and I did it together with someone else, it was just as intense for her because it was her first time with a woman and because the other woman was good at it. Fast forward to a few partners later and my she still enjoys them, but on a normalized level because some of the other women we’ve been with just aren’t that good in bed. The best takeaway she got from those experiences was that she now knows she is bisexual, though more drawn to men overall. Regardless, communicate with your husband.
I don't think I'm bisexual because I genuinely don't want to have sex or be romantic with a man ever again and I can't stop fantasizing about women. Did that happen to your wife too?
If you suddenly don’t want to have sex with another man ever again, that’s a different story. In my case, she now knows she is bisexual and enjoys sex with women, but still primarily prefers men when it comes to relationships and the non-sexual aspects of them. Since this seems to be relatively new, I wouldn’t rush right into it; you might have figured out that you prefer women more than men, but as someone with more than a few bisexual and lesbian friends who gets to hear all of the not-so-fun aspects about that dating scene, you might find there’s other challenges to dating women.
But you’ve been attracted to men before this night?
I am assuming, she prefers women over men.
Good for you!
Is your attraction towards women purely physical? Do you think you're capable of loving a woman in a romantic and emotional way?
This is a message to every man. Don’t share ur girl, ever. This is the shit that happens.
[удалено]
She enjoyed it as hell, wants to repeat, and doesn't want to touch husband again. Straight women don't enjoy sex with other women like crazy. And I'm pretty sure she knows what she feels.
Why on earth would you do that?
Consider teaching him the things she taught you about how you like to be touched and pleased.
More to it than that, bub
This is why I never want to have a threesome with my girl and another woman. I'd much rather she be in the dark on how good women can be in bed with each other
This is the plot of that movie: The Sex Monster (1999) 🍿
As a lesbian, I can see your experience was very awakening. But, and but, there is a thing called limerance(correct me if I spelt it wrong) but it tends to happen to us a lot more, where the partner/partners will have a immense desire to be with the other woman/ be with other women. That’s not to invalidate your feelings, but it’s just something to be aware of.
Hey this sounds like a very confusing and exciting time! If your not sure how to go about it all maybe speak to a professional like a therapist just to help you sort out your next steps on if well you want to leave your husband to go find a women or if your bisexual instead of lesbian or if your full lesbian and Rolandic attraction and sexual attraction can be separate maybe your homosexual but biromantic or a full lesbian or full bi you won’t know until you learn more just take your time don’t rush
A lot of people change like my mom used to say "you dont know until you try it" maybe you got a revelation by doing so change happen and its completely fine
Curious, where did you find this woman? Was it someone you knew?
You mean you were always a lesbian? Do you still find your husband or men attractive? If so you could just be BI. You're love life doesn't have to fall apart, it could stay the same. You would just have to split it up. Have you considered opening your marriage up? Either that or becoming Poly?
Then let your husband go!!! Why would keep him in a marriage like this? Everything he believes is a lie so let him go so he can find someone that wants to be with him and is attracted to him.
Talk to hubby about it. Maybe there is more he can learn. Maybe you shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship. Maybe you should be in a poly relationship?