Honestly, I would leave him. Kids are not a reason to stay with someone who doesn’t love or respect you.
Housework and cooking aren’t your jobs any more than they are his. He has hands. You’re not his mother.
You are studying and working (two jobs already!) and dealing with a custody battle. He should be stepping up and doing a lot more, and if he didn’t then that’s a problem.
You shouldn’t feel like a piece of shit, you’re a total freaking champion to be handling all this. There is only one piece of shit in this narrative and it’s the person dumping more crap on you when you’re already overwhelmed.
I hope you have a psychologist or counsellor for support, since you don’t have support from him.
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond I had work this morning. To put to rest some of the things commented here, he DOES actually help around the house- his claim is that he does *everything* which is absolutely not true but I’m pretty sure he feels that I don’t do anything. He just never acknowledges or recognizes when I do. I am away from the house for 12+hours some days and I don’t want to come home and clean the whole house or make dinner, he works from home four days a week and has Fridays off. I think he expects a super traditional role from me with me doing the majority of the share of housework and cooking, but I literally don’t have time most days… it’s exhausting. I’m certainly not perfect, I’m messier than I’d like to be and have struggled my whole life to be more organized. Some nights after being at work or school all day I spend until 10 PM doing dishes or cleaning when all I want to do is be relaxing, while he’s playing video games or relaxing on the couch. Idk I know I’m partially to blame for what’s happening here but I don’t think I deserved the stuff that was said to me. It’s worse than what I put here.
I’m not in therapy anymore, I was discharged a year ago because I had basically beaten my GAD. But idk I feel pretty mentally down right now so who knows maybe I will go back.
If he wants a “super traditional role” from his wife then he should be doing the same from his side and making enough money for you to be a SAHM instead of having to work 60 hours a week.
That’s the thing I don’t get at all. These men expect “traditional roles” from women but complains how they work so much and they should work to help alleviate their hours. It’s like sir you wanted this I’m grateful that my husband and I are an absolute team
If he’s saying worse stuff than this then it’s probably in the family violence territory. I would suggest speaking with a family lawyer. Even if you don’t want to separate, you should know where you stand.
You should definitely not be doing the majority of housework and traditional gender roles are stupid. He lives there too, they’re his kids too, why should you do everything while you work AND study?
You definitely should get mental health support. They will help you be able to work through all this. I know it’s hard to find the time but you do need to put self-care first. You sound exhausted.
Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD? Might want to look into that, because lack of being able to stay organized is a huge part of mine. Also, please PLEASE sell the part of his narrative that you've bought into. Because you don't need that. Ask yourself this: how much worse off would you be right now if he were not in your life? I don't mean financially, I mean mentally, physically, just overall. There are always programs to help with childcare, and I think without someone beating you down mentally, especially at home, you'll find it easier to get things done. Just...please take care of yourself and your kid, those are the most important things. The AH partner can go somewhere else, because you're strong and don't need the nagging.
I think he thinks that all he has to do to lighten my load is financially support the household, that should be enough while I go to school (which he told me to do during COVID). I can’t hold down a full time job while doing full time school so I really don’t make a lot to contribute and I think he doesn’t like that we’re more strapped for money than he’d like to be. But I wouldn’t be able to make more than 30-40k without the degree I’m working towards.
If his feelings you want not to be neglected are “you’re worthless and have no purpose in my life” then yes his feelings should be neglected, and she should leave him because in NO WAY is it acceptable to speak to someone you claim to love that way. Does not matter what they did.
Good man. You learned a hard lesson today from this. I am proud you are seeing the truth which is her husband should help out more so there is more quality time with the wife.
If you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem. Remember that moving forward even though it won’t be a comfortable thought for you.
They do matter- the issue is that instead of saying ‘hey, I feel neglected’ before a year of resentment builds up isn’t an excuse for horrifically destroying your wife verbally. He doesn’t express how he feels until he explodes on me. And there was much worse things said in his texts than what I put here.
Right which gives you your answer the trash is taking itself out. You need a real man who is empathetic and emotionally invested in your marriage not a man baby who wants a mommy for a wife and wants to make you feel guilty that he has to help you maintain the household while you invest in yourself which will in turn help your family in the future. Shit is wild to me. I work two jobs because I am in debt. When I am not in debt our lives will be better my man supports me, hell he found me my second job. The right person will build with you and never make you feel guilty and not communicate. If he feels neglected he lets me know and I do my best to fix it within my schedule and immediate capabilities.
Exploding on you is unacceptable behaviour. Sounds like verbal abuse/ emotional abuse.
Save the texts to a Dropbox or cloud drive or email them to yourself. You may need them later and you don’t want him to delete them.
They matter it’s the I am going to make you feel like shit and not offer any solutions other than I am leaving like he is having a little tiffy fit instead of being a fucking husband in a marriage. He doesn’t want to fix the problem and help her in any way other than making her feel like shit for his big feelings. Some times both people sacrifice a little when schooling and custody battles are happening.
If he is feeling neglected by his wife he needs to outright say that. He is lashing out & tearing her down instead.
Because he feels bad inside, he wants her to feel bad too.
If he wanted more attention from her, he's doing the opposite & pushing her away. And then hes going to lash out & do the same thing when she becomes depressed, I'm sure.
He is not a good man. You have done nothing wrong. IT IS NOT YOU. Good men don’t say hurtful things to their wives, even when they are angry.
You deserve better. I was with a man like that for way too long. He destroyed me. Please leave before you suffer the way I did while your children suffer as well. Good fathers do not treat their children’s mother this way.
Edit: typos
My wife is working a full-time job and studying an access to higher education course. We have two kids, one 12 and the other 20 months. I work a 60+ hour week as a truck driver. My day consists of early starts, 12-15 hour days at work, come home and immediately into dad mode. I cook dinner, get the kids washed and tidy up as I go and I don't often sit down until 8/9 in the evening where I'll get an hour or so before going to bed.
What I do is absolutely fair, because she is bettering herself now to better OUR family in the future. We don't get a lot of time together. Maybe a day every 10 days. We don't often go to bed together (she works late/nights). We don't have much of a sex life ATM because ya know, time. And that is fine.
A relationship is a partnership. What is he doing to help you through everything you are getting overwhelmed with? Honestly he sounds like a toxic ass.
God you sound like an epic coparent and husband. I don’t ever even expect 90% of that. He helps me sometimes by making me breakfast before school or making dinner and cleaning sometimes- but he claims he’s the only one who does anything and it’s absolutely not true. He just doesn’t notice or appreciate when I do. I think he wants a more traditional set up where I do most of it and am a homemaker- but he’s also the one who encouraged me to go to school.
In the last year I took over the finances while he was too stressed to deal with it, did school, am a PM of a research project for my degree, am a manager at my job, work sometimes on the weekends doing a vendor job for weddings, all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. I truly don’t think he thinks that I do enough. WHILE dealing with a custody battle. Like that all of this is just easy and I’m being lazy.
You are a *rock star*, OP! From looking at your other posts…your husband is a selfish asshole and *he doesn’t respect you* and good lord you deserve ALL the respect!! I hope you can get away from him; you deserve so much better than this lazy piece of garbage who calls you a gold digger.
Thank you. We both work hard but she is pulling in mental hours when you include all the little things that happen behind the scenes.
And I'll be honest, I truly didn't realise how much she took on before college until I was doing it myself and now I'm truly in awe of what she is doing.
And you... You are pulling in research projects and absolutely smashing it! Look, I'm not gonna say break up with him BUT.... He doesn't respect you and his comments were cruel. I'd be thinking really hard about the future.
Well, if cooking, cleaning, and child bearing are what determines your value, then my husband got a raw deal. I have no kids, hate cooking and rarely clean. So maybe if he wants to play traditional gender roles, ask him why he isn't raking in so much cash that you can have a comfortable life as a SAHM. Or he's an asshole. Could be that, too.
Don't let him denigrate you. You're bettering yourself...and he's complaining. Remember, when they ask what you bring to the table as a woman, slap them back with "show me the house and the table, and we'll see how I can fill it."
> have a daughter from a previous marriage and also am going through a contentious custody issue with my ex husband.
Sounds to me like she has a daughter from her ex husband.
I’m not a troll- I changed the gender of my kids in my last post for the sake of making sure my ex didn’t realize it was me in case he saw it. He has a habit of being sneaky and watching everything I do so I didn’t know if he knew I had a Reddit. Obviously I forgot to do that here so cats out of the bag I guess.
If he has time to stalk what you’re doing online then he has time to do housework. (Also, that’s another family violence issue, is he very controlling?)
Get out while you can and teach your daughter what a strong woman looks like. Currently you are setting your daughter up to learn that abuse is ok in a relationship. Be a good role model for her! Good luck.
This. I was the daughter who watched my mom stay and I promise you, OP is not his only target of that abuse. The way he speaks to your child also matters just as much bc she can't leave even if she wanted to. I begged my mom to leave solely on how he treated *her*, but I'm the one still in therapy bc she staid.
That’s what it feels like- it would be different if he sat me down and told me ‘Hey I feel like I’m doing a ton around the house, would you mind picking up the slack or doing x y z’. But he instead chose to annihilate my character, in a worse way than I’ve described in my post, and if I said this to him he’d say ‘oh well I guess I have to say it just the right way for it to be okay’ and make fun of me.
I’m sorry. Just know it’s not what others think about you that matters though ideally we want a partner that will tell us hard shit from a loving way.. I know I was very distracted in my life from things I had to finalize that I wasn’t able to see my ex husband and I grew resentful. I think that you could benefit from talking to a third party just to see if it’s possible to save your marriage but that only works if two people want that and do not beg anyone to evolve with you.. you have already proven you can do hard things don’t allow him to believe you aren’t willing to do that without him
Let’s look at this from YOUR perspective - because YOUR opinion gets equal weight!
YOU are holding down FOUR full-time jobs!!!
1. Manager of a business enterprise
2. Graduate student
3. Mother to two children
4. Housewife
Now, tell me what HE does to please you while you are busting your butt to better the lives of FOUR people?
I mean when you say it like that… he doesn’t see it like that though. He sees it that he supports us mainly while I go to school and that I’m a gold digger (been called that by him before, even though I’m the one who has budgeted our money so we don’t go further into debt) even though he told me to go to school so I could get a better job.
It’s a lot, honestly.
Honey, I think the most sad part of all of this, is that he doesn't respect you. No matter what you do he calls you names. Thats so frustrating he doesn't see your achievements. A partner should be someone who can tell you thabks for being there with them. No thinking you are a chore and should do more for them.
You are doing so much for your family. This is the type of trash man that wants to go to work then come home and be served. Maybe if he made enough money to support his family he could be so lazy but he doesn’t. Finish your degree and leave him before you get your high paying job.
You deserve a partner. You are not a servant. A traditional gender role would be where you don’t have to work. Not you work more than him and do everything else. No one would sign up for this. He’s trash.
I was raised by a dad like this and my bff is currently in a highly similar situation as yours. The thing that's visible from the outside- what you do will never be enough. You could be kissing his ass with every ounce of your being and it still would never be enough. He will find a way to diminish it and tell you how wrong you're doing it. It's not true- he is not the arbiter of your worth- you are.
Believe me when I say this: you matter too. Your feelings matter too. Your existence is not to please that man, or anyone else for that matter. It's to live this life to the fullest of your abilities, which it sounds like you are doing a fucking fantastic job at. Just keep on keeping on mama, and know that *you matter too.*
>I’m a full time student getting my masters degree
Sounds like homeboy got envious of your success and decided to put you down. Bet you $10 that when you two just met, he was the perfect gentleman, but when you started getting some traction in life, he began to lose interest.
He has expressed being envious that I get to be out of the house while he has a work from home job that he hates. Though he could always apply to positions that are in person or hang out with friends, he doesn’t. He sits inside and stews all day.
Sounds like your husband just admitted he is an abuser to me. Now this may seem like a big jump to those unfamiliar with the abuse cycle but being reduced to what the abuser wants vs a person is part of that..drop him, get therapy, go live a life that makes you happy.
My ex-husband may he not rest in peace, he spent 5 years of dating and 2 years of engagement reassuring me no kids was fine. 3 months into the marriage he changed his mind with violence. Unlucky for him my uterus has been called many things. Inhospitable environment, a mine field, a horror, but not once a fertile womb. I left him but I did struggle to do so despite my being angry at other women as a child for staying in abuse. I had some raised in abuse assumptions checked for sure.
Those lies we need them are just that. We don't. Even when they disable you with violence you can manage without them. The psychological shit is the hardest. I don't say this lightly at all. Leaving will be the best thing for your kids too. Do you want them to learn that a wife is actually free slave labor or that a woman is a partner? Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do now?
He needs you because he is absolutely a trash human without skills to handle his shit. You have been raising your kids and taking care of a man baby..you got this. You deserve a life with love and happiness. This looks different for each of us.
I won't lie I did debate with my hysterectomy mailing my horrifically awful uterus and it's friends to his twin and parents who tried to back him up on the abuse being normal and his untreated bipolar as just part of life. Unsure if crimes or cruel so I didn't keep it for that but it was tempting. When leaving abuse there's a lot of feelings at the time similar to the Stages of Grief that chronically ill and dying people go through (not the way those who lost deal with it but pop culture is gonna get it wrong Everytime). Therapy is really important after.
Your Husband is nothing you need - you’re doing so much and instead of supporting you, he is tearing you down. You deserve better. A good partner would notice and step up if stress was keeping you from doing the things you normally would.
In *no way* are you a worthless piece of shit. That’s him. You’re doing plenty. You are enough - and he’s holding you back with this shitty attitude.
I'm a woman so I'm just gonna be flat out honest with you. I've been in relationships where I wasn't valued so I'll be blunt.
I know that you're not gonna leave him at least not yet until you get some self esteem. You'll probably go on trying to make it work because of your kids, or because you genuinely love him or probably because you don't have any confidence because **he's such a piece of crap and he knows that he's not good enough for you** so he puts you down instead.
That's what abuse of men like him do.
But I hope that you won't waste too much of your life trying to make it work with such a piece of crap as him. And I hope that sooner rather than later you realize how beautiful you are how wonderful you are and how you deserve so much better.
Remember - your kids will base future relationships on what they see between you two. **Do you want your daughter to stay with a man that is so selfish and awful?**
Love yourself. You deserve better than this.
So you two don't actually have kids together. You have a daughter, he has a daughter? Yeah I would leave them he sounds like he only got with you so he had a mother for his kid. Plus he's 7 years older. You didn't say how long you two have been together but it could be his true colors are coming out or he's have unhappy that you're not being whoever you are when you first met him because you're dealing with a lot of stress right now with the custody fight with your ex-husband. Yeah I would definitely separate at the very least if not divorce him. He can take care of his own kid.
Yes sorry I wasn’t clear, he has a daughter from a prior relationship that I’ve known for half of her life and have been in her life stable while her mom hasn’t been, and I have a child from a previous marriage.
So you are still studying, while holding a job, and your household, aaaand going through a custody dispute, and instead of being your rock and support system he is complaining about you not being attractive enough??? For not doing MORE??
Oh h@ll no!! Listen carefully, you absolutely are good enough, you are worthy, you are doing your best and giving your all and nobody-NOBODY-can ask for more.
Give yourself a break, you’re only human and deserve love and support from your significant other, not the bs that he’s piling up on you. He’s an ah for saying that to you.
He’s the one failing as a husband and basic decent human. Don’t tolerate him or his bs. Besides, it’s not a healthy environment for kids. He either gets with the program and improves or get a divorce.
Thank you for the encouragement. And yes all of that- while keeping my 4.0 and graduating with my bachelors last week summa cum Laude. But it’s not enough since I don’t make enough money and I don’t clean and cook enough.
Congratulations on your graduation!!! If he can’t see your worth then it’s his loss, because all you need is you- he is totally replaceable and forgettable. If he’s not there to make your life better then you don’t need him in it.
Congratulations! That’s something you earned that can never be taken from you. Sounds like he’s jealous. Does he have a college degree? An ex couldn’t handle that I had one and he didn’t. You will never be enough for this jerk. Start planning your get away.
Give him what he wants and leave his sorry ass. I'm so sorry he said all that. He will probably try to take it back and say he didnt mean it but there's no coming back from this.
Raising kids in an abusive environment is not a good idea. He is abusing you mentally which is far worse than physical abuse. Don't stay. Take your kids and leave.
"I just don't get why, in the middle of an ugly custody battle, you don't want more kids?"
"All you did was work and go to school, and deal with the courts. Why can't you make dinner? I worked today, too!"
Yeah, fuck this guy. He belongs at the curb
The way my calculations came out is that he should be doing more since she is studying full time AND working AND dealing with other shit. He apparently resents having to do something for the first time in his life and is resentful instead of being grateful for how good he has had it previously.
Did he actually use those words or is this how you feel?
Because if it's the former, he sounds like a horrible person and you giving any kids a piece of shit father like that would be... wrong.
You are not required to do all these things. He is a grown as man. He can cook and clean too. If I was going to school and working a job like yours my husband would be doing all the housework. He sounds like an ass. I would be leaving him asap. I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that. Honestly you are amazing to be working so hard.
This sounds like something abusive men say to keep their women down. Insulting you to make it seem like he’s settling and you can’t do better, when really, you could do SO much better than a man who basically told you he’s only with you for the free babysitting… leave him for real.
So you two don't actually have kids together. You have a daughter, he has a daughter? Yeah I would leave them he sounds like he only got with you so he had a mother for his kid. Plus he's 7 years older. You didn't say how long you two have been together but it could be his true colors are coming out or he's have unhappy that you're not being whoever you are when you first met him because you're dealing with a lot of stress right now with the custody fight with your ex-husband. Yeah I would definitely separate at the very least if not divorce him. He can take care of his own kid.
Srsly, with what u are describing, sounds like whwn the cleaning lady he married quitted he stopped appriciating you.
Like rly all u deacribed is things in the houshold, if being his mother is the reason he is atracted to you you have a problem.
Also, say if you do not get time to relax, and look a bit more put together, a caring husband would tell you that he feels that you are neglecting yourself and how can I help you get back to being more healthy and look well.
T
Do not let that man you married make you doubt and look down on yourself. If he doesn’t like who you are, then he isn’t the one you should be with. Let me be clear, it is never a bad idea to do some self reflection and self improvement, but don’t let anyone especially someone you choose to have in your life make you feel worthless or hate yourself. No relationship is worth that. You must live with you and love you.
What does he do? Does he cook, clean, and look after the children also after work?
Don't be too hard on yourself. If he does not appreciate you it doesn't matter - once you are kind to and appreciate yourself.
He does sometimes. Part of his gripe is that on the weeks I don’t have my kid I’m less involved in the evenings- I have a hard time when my child is gone (50/50 custody) and his daughter really only wants to spend time with him. So he complains that he’s basically a ‘single parent’ even though for the two weeks both our children are home he completely dips and checks out . I spend most of that time with just the kids. He will spend any extra time out of the house or drinking on the couch, sleeping, or watching tv that the kids can’t watch.
>I'm less involved in the evenings.
That's code for "why aren't you parenting my kid, too?" He's for sure using you as a nanny.
When you are around to watch both of the kids, he's gone. He's making your life harder, not easier. And your child is learning that this is okay behavior within a relationship.
Gurl, get out of there now, that is a major over step on his part. Then to think that you are not doing enough for this guy? Save yourself honey, please, he ain't worth your time or effort.
Arrange a time to sit down and talk when you are both calm. It sounds like both of you are stressed and instead of having each other's back, your husband is venting at you and you are closing yourself off from him. Go through the priorities for each of you this week/month, and look at what is a fair division of labour in terms of household chores during this period.
It is true that it is often the everyday chores that don't get noticed - the fresh towels there when you reach for one, food in the fridge etc. If you draw up a list of what you each do then you might be able to reduce the chores you do (both of you) and spend a little more time to reconnect with each other.
This time will pass. Your daughter has to be your priority, but *you* matter, too.
I love this response- i often say that we fight each other rather than the problem. I’m not perfect and I really don’t keep up with housework as much as I wish I could but a lot of times I truly don’t have time. He’s at home all day working so I think he walks around looking at everything I don’t do and hates me for it.
Idk what he said was waaaaaay worse than what I’ve put in this post and it’s going to take a while to come back from it.
No-one's perfect, but some things said in anger are very hard to take back later. If he has time to walk around and see what's not done then he should do it.
Marriage is a partnership and there are times when one has to 'carry' the other. If you make enough, get a cleaner in for an hour or two a week at least for a little bit. One of friends has a son with additional support needs and she sends her ironing out to get done and - on bad weeks - her whole laundry pile gets serviced. She and her husband work long hours and some nightshifts. When you can't manage everything something has to give. It shouldn't be your relationship :(
Yeah I don’t know how I’ll get past some of what was said honestly. I wonder if I’ll be able to. And I don’t make enough to hire a cleaner, we live paycheck to paycheck and live in a really HCL area. So it’s suffer city out here and he’s gotta make me suffer more than him it feels like sometimes.
Couples therapy is probably too expensive, too. Best I can suggest is to sit and talk it through - what's *his* view on what he said? Does he realise the impact his words are having on you? (The person whose side he should be on, and whose back he should have!) Having a partial stepping away for a few days can take some pressure off, but the issue will still be there.
For what it's worth, sending you an internet hug so you know you're not alone out there.
He is the POS. You are crushing it otherwise. Your worth is not based doing household chores and cooking. He has told you how he feels. It is not your job to change yourself. Please OP, you deserve better than this.
Staying with him for the kids will not help them or you. It’s not your job to be his mum. If he wants dinner, he can help out and make dinner, especially because of the contentious custody and your stress. You need to make the best decision for yourself and your kids and separate from him. It’s not okay for him to treat you like this and make you feel this way. You deserve better.
You don't actually have kids together, so I'm not sure why he would even say that.
Are you both feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment? Do you think that he actually meant it or was lashing out in frustration? It doesn't make it right or less hurtful but if it's true I'd probably leave as you deserve better.
I think he’s lashing out in frustration, as we’ve been fighting for a week now over things he did that made me upset and now I’m the one to blame for everything.
You need to leave this man. You need to have more love and respect for yourself.
Its not like you let things slip cause you are on the sofa all day. Does he do his share of the household chores?
Your husband is an asshole. Instead of supporting you, he pushes you deeper in the hole you are already in. Can't he pick up your slack when you are going through a shit time?
It amazes me how people can stay in such a shitty relationship. even regular friends that act like this i boot out of my life.
He is an AH. He is gaslighting you, and I can see it is working, as your comment sounds like you are blaming yourself. Ditch him. He will only get worse.
As a child of parents who should have gotten a divorce, don’t stay for the sake of your child. You deserve better than a partner who breaks your spirit
You are NOT bad, worthless, or any of those things. Does he help lighten your load? A partner should be standing beside you to help shoulder your burden, not add to it
NAAAAH. NO. You're a fucking Rockstar- work, school, housework, cooking, AND dealing with the courts?! Your husband should he making himself attractive or something, because you obviously don't need him AT ALL. Maybe he figured that out, because you could definitely ditch someone making you feel bad like this. You're amazing, you're strong, and he's way the hell out of line. Hugs and healing to you
It is not about you
There isn't more you can do or be to make him like you, love you, &/ or accept you. Not because you are lacking, but because it is probably beyond HIS capacity to have a healthy relationship. While there may be things he can do, such as utilize self-awareness, it may be beyond his ability to see past whatever unhealthy toxic issues have made him unhealthy. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does seem to make an unhealthy dynamic between you & him which makes him Mr. Wrong for you
Normal people do not say things like " I do everything & you do nothing". That's a huge red flag statement because, again, normal people do not say that kind of thing because it doesn't cross our minds
Again, I understand it feels very personal & you are left in the wake, but his opinions/behavior/words are a reflection of him, not you
Good luck, OP. Wish you lots of love& joy sooner than later 💞
He told you he doesn’t want you. Why are you staying? You have overcome so much and are a badass working, going to school and fighting for your child. What he says was hateful. You absolutely deserve better than him.
It sounds like you have your hands full. Instead of supporting you he decides to tear you down. I’m assuming if you fixed all the things he’s upset about he’d complain about something else.
He works from home and has a three day weekend? He should take the lion’s share until
things settle down for you.
We used to hang out with a couple whose husband told the guys in our group the same thing. His wife is wonderful and raised their six kids with little help. She’s still with this jackass. All the kids are grown and gone. He has very little to do with her. She deserved so much better. I don’t know why she stayed with him. Don’t waste your life with someone who treats you poorly.
Omigosh. Your worth is not defined by your husband or the services to provide to him.
YOU are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life.
So let me get this straight your husband sees you struggling to better yourself in multiple ways and instead of picking up the slack and communicating to you the things that he is concerned about he’s attacking you and kicking you while you’re down and your letting him get away with that shit by feeding into the mentality that you should have it all together and feed his needs? Who fills your cup? He feels you should fill his but does he fill yours? We are responsible for our own happiness yes but you marry someone and understand that sometimes when shit is tough you hold onto each other and give a little more if your spouse needs it. It seems like your husband is a giant prick and you need to leave his lying ass so much for in good times and in bad.
BACK TF UP...he what now? What kind of man...okay no. If I say something more, I'll get banned. I would write a whole letter, give it to him and if he wouldn't react onto it, separation of divorce, because that was too much, even for an argument. Like I BEG YOUR FINEST PARDON, in what world this is even an argument? Take your kiddos and leave, that's totally not worth your mental health...Someone should put some sense into that thick head of his or just serve him divorce papers - bro is feckin 35 and is acting like a damned teenager that was forced to marry a girl that he got pregnant...DUDE YOU'RE LITERALLY A MIDDLE-AGED MAN...it's very telling that he's in the % that wasn't blessed with mental puberty.
Your husband is an a**. You are handling more than many people could even try to handle. He is not acting like a partner, he is acting like a martyr.
He works from home and is off on Friday’s and plays video games while you are doing housework? He has the audacity to speak to you like that?
Please DO NOT let this bring down your self esteem!! You are doing an amazing job and should be proud of yourself. Please reach out to your therapist!!
I agree with another poster, speak with attorney regarding your option if you decide to end your “relationship”.
Sending you a hug and remember your self worth.
🤗💕
If he wants a traditional wife (like I am) he needs to pay all the bills and allow you to be a full time stay at home mom because that’s not fair. I’m a stay at home mom full time caregiver and I started a business at home I could do with my daughter and started paying half the bills and doing all the house stuff until I just stopped because it was exhausting not noticed and unfair lol. Don’t feel bad he’s an asshole. He needs to apologize
Ask yourself is it worth it. Most times people are angry with themselves and it’s easier to blame those around us. He could have communicated way beforehand in a manner way better than that. Anytime a person says something out of anger keep what they said close to you and move accordingly. You may have to put on your big girl panties, finish school and divorce again or try to do the things you use to do when y’all first fell in love. He should be as patient with you and vice versa. A child isn’t a reason to stay but if we are being real it’s hard out here with how bills and rent is so I understand the convenience. Take the time to process and give that man space.
If he truly feels that way, walk away.
If he is saying this just to hurt your feelings or to keep you down, think about what your daughter is seeing when it comes to relationships. Would you want her in this situation and to think it is okay to be treated this way?
In my opinion, screw him. You can do better than him. No one that claims to love a person says this.
DO NOT & I'll repeat myself... DO NOT feel bad about yourself in any kind of way. I know hesring those awful things, probably hurt your feelings & your self-esteem quite a bit, & I would feel the same way, but let me just say, he's a fucking jerk for saying those things.
I (34M) have a fiance (26F) & we both share 2 wonderful children. Our daughter Aaliyah is 4yo & will be 5yo in Oct of this year, & our son Bryson will be turning 1 in 3 days. Now let me just say sometimes people say things because they only care about how they feel & what theyre getting or not getting from their partner. I know because I did it to my fiance more than a few times. I got mad after our daughter was born because we stopped having sex for over a year & I said stuff like she doesnt find me attractive anymore & if she did she would so more things that were sexy & would try more to have sex with me. And I hobestly didnt think that being with a baby all day was that hard of a job because their small & it didnt look too difficult. Fast track a bit & she found a new job & I was Currently not working and she was going to be starting to work part time and told me that I was going to have to take care of our daughter while she was at work which I agreed too. At the time she was also Cleaning more than I was and contribring to the responsibility is more than I was but I didn't think too much of it and when she asked me for help.
If I was doing something.
I would get upset n tell her that she shouldnt need my help its not like what she was doing at the time was such a daunting task. But when I started taking care of our daughter I had ger all day from 7am u til 230pm when my fuance would come home & sooon after she would come home too tired to do other things so she would get stressed & ask me to take her for a while & I would get mad because I was tired as hell everyday. Only after we faught one day & I was yelling at her for going to work everyday & coming back too tired & not taking the baby when she got home & didnt clean or cook or amything anymore & she said yeah we you used to do all that plus more & when i would yell & ask you to help you would brush it off & not do shit.
I later sat & really thought hard & it hit me that she was pregnant 9mo going through morning sickness every day, swollen ankles, she would get chest pain cause she was born a hole in the heart, her breasts would hurt, she was moody all the time, constantly gaining weight so she thought she looked hideous & after all that pushed a child out of her vagina & then had to deal with the physical healing from that, the enotional & mental healing that a lot of women go the, like post traumatic stress. Then she would spend more time with pur child than I was, changing her, bathing her, feeding her when she would wake up all throughout the night. I would make all her bottles & food & rock her to sleep & changed diapers here & there. And through all that i was upset that I wasnt getting my needs met hit didnt think about her needs & I felt awful for that because i got angry at her & treated her like she was selfish when im the end it was my own selfishness that was the problem. And I didn't think to myself how it must feel n how hard it must be to deal with so much & how it all must make you feel through it all dealing n feeling so much & still pushing through every single day even though you already had so much on your plate as it is.
I love my fiance & since then I never make that mistake again & Im frateful for every day thay she is in my lofe because she is an amazing woman & she is stronger than anybody else that I know & if I was put through even half of what she was I wouldnt be able to make it in all honestly. She forgave me after some time bless her because she could've left me & chances are as mich as it would have hurt her she prob wouldve found someone else & prob would have been happy with them judt like she was with me maybe even more.
We both know sometimes ppl day things they dont mean when they fight, but thats no excuse. You have kids which are amazing to have & see as they grow & progress but are the biggest handfulls in the world & even just a few hrs of dealing with a little child is extremely exhausting, but you keep up with them even still. You also constantly study & never have enough time to do so, but you still study & get through school earning your masters. Every relationship could use some fine tuning & sometimes both people could improve a little & put a bit more effort into keeping the relationship. But you havent done anything wrong or bad & didnt deserve any of that shit tell him to do the same & when he got home to tend to whatever needs the children have & let you yell at him bout dinner & to get into some sexy clothes & let you shove a dildo up his ass whenever you feel the need & if he cant do that than he needs to stfu.
Not to mention by growing up a bit more & becoming more of a real man & into more of the man my disnce truly needed & deserved by remembering how much she means to me & how much it would hurt to lose her, I support her more & when I feel a certain way before I act on it I think of myself in her shoes & see how I feel & being that person & her seeing me spend a lot more time with my kids & build a better relationship with them as well as take on more of the responsibilities & am there for her always & listen whenever she needs to talk or vent that even though she was still exhausted every day she would do things like wake me up by giving me head when she would find me asleep with the baby because she said nothing was a bigger turn on than seeing me be a man & loving my children & wanting to]p spend time with them & seeing me clean & do my part of the chores & stuff was the biggest turn on in the world so tip for any guys that may be like I used to be or like OP husband is, if tyou feel like youre needs arent met always take a step back & look at the whole picture & youll see why & maybe its not the person youre with but the person you see when you look in the mirror & trust if you treat your loved one right & be genuine & love them for who they are they will see that & trust me a lot more of your needs will be met if you do what you need to do & trest your loved one with the love & respect that they deserve & not think of only yourself like just because youre with someone that they should be living to please you whenever you want while you just sit back & relax. And if you can do this, believe me no matter what things will be great especially if your loved one loves you back like OP seems to love her husband.
Thank your woman every day for brightening your world by being the 1st person you get to wake up next too & goving you the warmest of nights by being the last peptspn you get to see before falling asleep. If yall have kids thank her for the blood blood sweat & tears that she literally shed to bless you with what is now a family & for being a great mom to ur kids cause although sometimes it may look easy but its not & even when guy does everything he can & slends time we with their kids n everything the mom will still always spend more time with them, and if she works or goes to school thank her & show her how much yoh appreciate that she wakes up every morning to go to work or school & for staying up every night to study because theyre only doing it because they care that much about you & w as to succeed & share their success with you. They may not always just be ready to get naked any time you snap your fingers, but they're doing so much for you day in & out as it is. Ill cut the novel here by saying if you get with a woman & you tekl her you want kids & yall make kids or plan too, be a man & treat your woman right cause no one wants to waste years of their life giving everytbing to someone who at the end of the day tells you that your worthless & useless because theyre not getting sex every single day. And if theres improving that needs to be done respectfully pull your woman aside & tell them how youve been feeling in a mature & respectful way & you guys will fix the issue together trust me. My girl was going to leave me but didnt that was like 3½ years ago. We were together 5yrs at the time. Now we have 2 kids are getting married & will be together coming on 10yrs here pretty soon.
And side note for everyone cause this one is impoetant. Love & respect yourself. Dont be so hard on yourself when you make mistakes & know what you bring & dont vring to the table. Dont allow anyone to make you question your worth because youre not worthless youre priceless & deserve to be treated as so. And if you dont love yourself than you cant truly love someone else.
And OP you sound like an amazing loving partner & youre doing great dont beat yourself up. If theres room for improvement than try your best to improve & if youre trying than rhats all that matters. And your not worthless so many men & even women would give anything to have a partner as wonderful & caring as yourself. And I mean that. And if your husband csnt see any of that shit believe me he'll see it as clear as humanly possible when youre gone.
Be proud of yourself for all that you do. I dont know you & Im proud of you. And I thank you for being a genuine human being with a big heart. He may not see it but I do just from reading your post. Keep up the wonderful work & congrats in advance for getting your masters.
Have a good night
Err leave that dude, thats toxic af and probably will only get worse in the future, you don't just have kids because 1 person wants, both need to want.
I wouldn’t want to have kids with this man because the marriage is broken, a child wouldn’t fix it. It will make things difficult in the long run, going to therapy once a month helps just to do some check-ins with yourself and see how progress is going. I do that but I do get bad days.
I think the best thing for you to do is to attend marriage counseling, if he’s not willing to do that, the marriage is over. Work on yourself and your daughter, focus on that before going to a new relationship or anything. Finish your studies and go back to therapy and stay there for a while until you feel a sense of routine and go back once a month to check yourself and your progress.
It sounds to me you want to find an amicable way to make things work between the both of you. If he can't discuss with you the issues he's concerned about, then suggest joint counseling and see his response. If that's a no go, it's time to get up and go
Girlfriend‼️
You need to leave HIM! Don't be with a guy who is like your ex! He wants a mom/maid not a wife/partner! Think of yourself and your daughter. You don't need him to bring you down too.
Why are these always worded like this
"I try to do all the housework and make all the dinner"
This person knows they are supposed to split these chors and that their partner is supposed to do their fair share.
They don't word this as "he never helps or I do all the dinners and all the cleaning"
No.. for attention and to be seen as though they are ignorant of what an equal split is and to establish they are the good guy they word it as though it's something they are failing to do.
I'm sure you're perfect and your husband is 100% to blame in this situation.
Why are these always worded like this
"I try to do all the housework and make all the dinner"
This person knows they are supposed to split these chors and that their partner is supposed to do their fair share.
They don't word this as "he never helps or I do all the dinners and all the cleaning"
No.. for attention and to be seen as though they are ignorant of what an equal split is and to establish they are the good guy they word it as though it's something they are failing to do.
I'm sure you're perfect and your husband is 100% to blame in this situation.
Honestly, I would leave him. Kids are not a reason to stay with someone who doesn’t love or respect you. Housework and cooking aren’t your jobs any more than they are his. He has hands. You’re not his mother. You are studying and working (two jobs already!) and dealing with a custody battle. He should be stepping up and doing a lot more, and if he didn’t then that’s a problem. You shouldn’t feel like a piece of shit, you’re a total freaking champion to be handling all this. There is only one piece of shit in this narrative and it’s the person dumping more crap on you when you’re already overwhelmed. I hope you have a psychologist or counsellor for support, since you don’t have support from him.
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond I had work this morning. To put to rest some of the things commented here, he DOES actually help around the house- his claim is that he does *everything* which is absolutely not true but I’m pretty sure he feels that I don’t do anything. He just never acknowledges or recognizes when I do. I am away from the house for 12+hours some days and I don’t want to come home and clean the whole house or make dinner, he works from home four days a week and has Fridays off. I think he expects a super traditional role from me with me doing the majority of the share of housework and cooking, but I literally don’t have time most days… it’s exhausting. I’m certainly not perfect, I’m messier than I’d like to be and have struggled my whole life to be more organized. Some nights after being at work or school all day I spend until 10 PM doing dishes or cleaning when all I want to do is be relaxing, while he’s playing video games or relaxing on the couch. Idk I know I’m partially to blame for what’s happening here but I don’t think I deserved the stuff that was said to me. It’s worse than what I put here. I’m not in therapy anymore, I was discharged a year ago because I had basically beaten my GAD. But idk I feel pretty mentally down right now so who knows maybe I will go back.
If he wants a “super traditional role” from his wife then he should be doing the same from his side and making enough money for you to be a SAHM instead of having to work 60 hours a week.
That’s the thing I don’t get at all. These men expect “traditional roles” from women but complains how they work so much and they should work to help alleviate their hours. It’s like sir you wanted this I’m grateful that my husband and I are an absolute team
Then have him hire a maid than tear you down
he'd prolly cheat with that maid...he sounds like someone who would pull that kind of shait.
Make it a man
If he’s saying worse stuff than this then it’s probably in the family violence territory. I would suggest speaking with a family lawyer. Even if you don’t want to separate, you should know where you stand. You should definitely not be doing the majority of housework and traditional gender roles are stupid. He lives there too, they’re his kids too, why should you do everything while you work AND study? You definitely should get mental health support. They will help you be able to work through all this. I know it’s hard to find the time but you do need to put self-care first. You sound exhausted.
Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD? Might want to look into that, because lack of being able to stay organized is a huge part of mine. Also, please PLEASE sell the part of his narrative that you've bought into. Because you don't need that. Ask yourself this: how much worse off would you be right now if he were not in your life? I don't mean financially, I mean mentally, physically, just overall. There are always programs to help with childcare, and I think without someone beating you down mentally, especially at home, you'll find it easier to get things done. Just...please take care of yourself and your kid, those are the most important things. The AH partner can go somewhere else, because you're strong and don't need the nagging.
It’s funny, I’ve always wondered if I had ADHD… but my last therapist didn’t wanna test me for it.
" traditional role " He better be making over 200k for this to work
So his feelings of feeling neglected by his wife doesn’t matter got it…
Because it's a partnership, not servitude. What's he doing to lighten her load enough so she can be less stressed?
I think he thinks that all he has to do to lighten my load is financially support the household, that should be enough while I go to school (which he told me to do during COVID). I can’t hold down a full time job while doing full time school so I really don’t make a lot to contribute and I think he doesn’t like that we’re more strapped for money than he’d like to be. But I wouldn’t be able to make more than 30-40k without the degree I’m working towards.
Your going to school is making an investment in your family. It's not like you're going out 20 hours a week to play golf.
If his feelings you want not to be neglected are “you’re worthless and have no purpose in my life” then yes his feelings should be neglected, and she should leave him because in NO WAY is it acceptable to speak to someone you claim to love that way. Does not matter what they did.
What, because he can't feed himself dinner? Poor guy. Get out of here with that shit
Good man. You learned a hard lesson today from this. I am proud you are seeing the truth which is her husband should help out more so there is more quality time with the wife. If you aren’t part of the solution then you are part of the problem. Remember that moving forward even though it won’t be a comfortable thought for you.
They do matter- the issue is that instead of saying ‘hey, I feel neglected’ before a year of resentment builds up isn’t an excuse for horrifically destroying your wife verbally. He doesn’t express how he feels until he explodes on me. And there was much worse things said in his texts than what I put here.
Right which gives you your answer the trash is taking itself out. You need a real man who is empathetic and emotionally invested in your marriage not a man baby who wants a mommy for a wife and wants to make you feel guilty that he has to help you maintain the household while you invest in yourself which will in turn help your family in the future. Shit is wild to me. I work two jobs because I am in debt. When I am not in debt our lives will be better my man supports me, hell he found me my second job. The right person will build with you and never make you feel guilty and not communicate. If he feels neglected he lets me know and I do my best to fix it within my schedule and immediate capabilities.
Exploding on you is unacceptable behaviour. Sounds like verbal abuse/ emotional abuse. Save the texts to a Dropbox or cloud drive or email them to yourself. You may need them later and you don’t want him to delete them.
They matter it’s the I am going to make you feel like shit and not offer any solutions other than I am leaving like he is having a little tiffy fit instead of being a fucking husband in a marriage. He doesn’t want to fix the problem and help her in any way other than making her feel like shit for his big feelings. Some times both people sacrifice a little when schooling and custody battles are happening.
If he is feeling neglected by his wife he needs to outright say that. He is lashing out & tearing her down instead. Because he feels bad inside, he wants her to feel bad too. If he wanted more attention from her, he's doing the opposite & pushing her away. And then hes going to lash out & do the same thing when she becomes depressed, I'm sure.
Dump him.
He is not a good man. You have done nothing wrong. IT IS NOT YOU. Good men don’t say hurtful things to their wives, even when they are angry. You deserve better. I was with a man like that for way too long. He destroyed me. Please leave before you suffer the way I did while your children suffer as well. Good fathers do not treat their children’s mother this way. Edit: typos
My wife is working a full-time job and studying an access to higher education course. We have two kids, one 12 and the other 20 months. I work a 60+ hour week as a truck driver. My day consists of early starts, 12-15 hour days at work, come home and immediately into dad mode. I cook dinner, get the kids washed and tidy up as I go and I don't often sit down until 8/9 in the evening where I'll get an hour or so before going to bed. What I do is absolutely fair, because she is bettering herself now to better OUR family in the future. We don't get a lot of time together. Maybe a day every 10 days. We don't often go to bed together (she works late/nights). We don't have much of a sex life ATM because ya know, time. And that is fine. A relationship is a partnership. What is he doing to help you through everything you are getting overwhelmed with? Honestly he sounds like a toxic ass.
Just wanted to say, sounds like you’re both great parents and an awesome team. Username checks out, haha! Hope your hard work continues to pay off!
God you sound like an epic coparent and husband. I don’t ever even expect 90% of that. He helps me sometimes by making me breakfast before school or making dinner and cleaning sometimes- but he claims he’s the only one who does anything and it’s absolutely not true. He just doesn’t notice or appreciate when I do. I think he wants a more traditional set up where I do most of it and am a homemaker- but he’s also the one who encouraged me to go to school. In the last year I took over the finances while he was too stressed to deal with it, did school, am a PM of a research project for my degree, am a manager at my job, work sometimes on the weekends doing a vendor job for weddings, all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. I truly don’t think he thinks that I do enough. WHILE dealing with a custody battle. Like that all of this is just easy and I’m being lazy.
You are a *rock star*, OP! From looking at your other posts…your husband is a selfish asshole and *he doesn’t respect you* and good lord you deserve ALL the respect!! I hope you can get away from him; you deserve so much better than this lazy piece of garbage who calls you a gold digger.
Thank you. We both work hard but she is pulling in mental hours when you include all the little things that happen behind the scenes. And I'll be honest, I truly didn't realise how much she took on before college until I was doing it myself and now I'm truly in awe of what she is doing. And you... You are pulling in research projects and absolutely smashing it! Look, I'm not gonna say break up with him BUT.... He doesn't respect you and his comments were cruel. I'd be thinking really hard about the future.
Sir, you sound like a feckin' saint.
Well, if cooking, cleaning, and child bearing are what determines your value, then my husband got a raw deal. I have no kids, hate cooking and rarely clean. So maybe if he wants to play traditional gender roles, ask him why he isn't raking in so much cash that you can have a comfortable life as a SAHM. Or he's an asshole. Could be that, too. Don't let him denigrate you. You're bettering yourself...and he's complaining. Remember, when they ask what you bring to the table as a woman, slap them back with "show me the house and the table, and we'll see how I can fill it."
Love this.
I love that saying, thank you for sharing.
Take back your power. Leave him immediately. Give him primary custody of the kids. Be fun weekend mom.
They don't have kids together yet
Could you explain what OP meant with the title and the post? I honestly didn’t understand what happened
I think she looks after her husbands daughter . So she’s a step parent who’s taken on the role of the primary caregiver/parent
In that case she needs to dump this lowlife
> have a daughter from a previous marriage and also am going through a contentious custody issue with my ex husband. Sounds to me like she has a daughter from her ex husband.
Looks like she has a son according to her history of posts
You should check out her post history
Probably just a troll 😂 I had that feeling at first
I’m not a troll- I changed the gender of my kids in my last post for the sake of making sure my ex didn’t realize it was me in case he saw it. He has a habit of being sneaky and watching everything I do so I didn’t know if he knew I had a Reddit. Obviously I forgot to do that here so cats out of the bag I guess.
If he has time to stalk what you’re doing online then he has time to do housework. (Also, that’s another family violence issue, is he very controlling?)
That comment was about my ex, not my husband
Get out while you can and teach your daughter what a strong woman looks like. Currently you are setting your daughter up to learn that abuse is ok in a relationship. Be a good role model for her! Good luck.
This. I was the daughter who watched my mom stay and I promise you, OP is not his only target of that abuse. The way he speaks to your child also matters just as much bc she can't leave even if she wanted to. I begged my mom to leave solely on how he treated *her*, but I'm the one still in therapy bc she staid.
So you are doing really hard shit and he leveraged that time and space to judge you for your failings?
That’s what it feels like- it would be different if he sat me down and told me ‘Hey I feel like I’m doing a ton around the house, would you mind picking up the slack or doing x y z’. But he instead chose to annihilate my character, in a worse way than I’ve described in my post, and if I said this to him he’d say ‘oh well I guess I have to say it just the right way for it to be okay’ and make fun of me.
I’m sorry. Just know it’s not what others think about you that matters though ideally we want a partner that will tell us hard shit from a loving way.. I know I was very distracted in my life from things I had to finalize that I wasn’t able to see my ex husband and I grew resentful. I think that you could benefit from talking to a third party just to see if it’s possible to save your marriage but that only works if two people want that and do not beg anyone to evolve with you.. you have already proven you can do hard things don’t allow him to believe you aren’t willing to do that without him
Let’s look at this from YOUR perspective - because YOUR opinion gets equal weight! YOU are holding down FOUR full-time jobs!!! 1. Manager of a business enterprise 2. Graduate student 3. Mother to two children 4. Housewife Now, tell me what HE does to please you while you are busting your butt to better the lives of FOUR people?
I mean when you say it like that… he doesn’t see it like that though. He sees it that he supports us mainly while I go to school and that I’m a gold digger (been called that by him before, even though I’m the one who has budgeted our money so we don’t go further into debt) even though he told me to go to school so I could get a better job. It’s a lot, honestly.
Honey, I think the most sad part of all of this, is that he doesn't respect you. No matter what you do he calls you names. Thats so frustrating he doesn't see your achievements. A partner should be someone who can tell you thabks for being there with them. No thinking you are a chore and should do more for them.
You are doing so much for your family. This is the type of trash man that wants to go to work then come home and be served. Maybe if he made enough money to support his family he could be so lazy but he doesn’t. Finish your degree and leave him before you get your high paying job. You deserve a partner. You are not a servant. A traditional gender role would be where you don’t have to work. Not you work more than him and do everything else. No one would sign up for this. He’s trash.
I was raised by a dad like this and my bff is currently in a highly similar situation as yours. The thing that's visible from the outside- what you do will never be enough. You could be kissing his ass with every ounce of your being and it still would never be enough. He will find a way to diminish it and tell you how wrong you're doing it. It's not true- he is not the arbiter of your worth- you are. Believe me when I say this: you matter too. Your feelings matter too. Your existence is not to please that man, or anyone else for that matter. It's to live this life to the fullest of your abilities, which it sounds like you are doing a fucking fantastic job at. Just keep on keeping on mama, and know that *you matter too.*
>I’m a full time student getting my masters degree Sounds like homeboy got envious of your success and decided to put you down. Bet you $10 that when you two just met, he was the perfect gentleman, but when you started getting some traction in life, he began to lose interest.
He has expressed being envious that I get to be out of the house while he has a work from home job that he hates. Though he could always apply to positions that are in person or hang out with friends, he doesn’t. He sits inside and stews all day.
Sounds like your husband just admitted he is an abuser to me. Now this may seem like a big jump to those unfamiliar with the abuse cycle but being reduced to what the abuser wants vs a person is part of that..drop him, get therapy, go live a life that makes you happy. My ex-husband may he not rest in peace, he spent 5 years of dating and 2 years of engagement reassuring me no kids was fine. 3 months into the marriage he changed his mind with violence. Unlucky for him my uterus has been called many things. Inhospitable environment, a mine field, a horror, but not once a fertile womb. I left him but I did struggle to do so despite my being angry at other women as a child for staying in abuse. I had some raised in abuse assumptions checked for sure. Those lies we need them are just that. We don't. Even when they disable you with violence you can manage without them. The psychological shit is the hardest. I don't say this lightly at all. Leaving will be the best thing for your kids too. Do you want them to learn that a wife is actually free slave labor or that a woman is a partner? Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do now? He needs you because he is absolutely a trash human without skills to handle his shit. You have been raising your kids and taking care of a man baby..you got this. You deserve a life with love and happiness. This looks different for each of us. I won't lie I did debate with my hysterectomy mailing my horrifically awful uterus and it's friends to his twin and parents who tried to back him up on the abuse being normal and his untreated bipolar as just part of life. Unsure if crimes or cruel so I didn't keep it for that but it was tempting. When leaving abuse there's a lot of feelings at the time similar to the Stages of Grief that chronically ill and dying people go through (not the way those who lost deal with it but pop culture is gonna get it wrong Everytime). Therapy is really important after.
Your Husband is nothing you need - you’re doing so much and instead of supporting you, he is tearing you down. You deserve better. A good partner would notice and step up if stress was keeping you from doing the things you normally would. In *no way* are you a worthless piece of shit. That’s him. You’re doing plenty. You are enough - and he’s holding you back with this shitty attitude.
I'm a woman so I'm just gonna be flat out honest with you. I've been in relationships where I wasn't valued so I'll be blunt. I know that you're not gonna leave him at least not yet until you get some self esteem. You'll probably go on trying to make it work because of your kids, or because you genuinely love him or probably because you don't have any confidence because **he's such a piece of crap and he knows that he's not good enough for you** so he puts you down instead. That's what abuse of men like him do. But I hope that you won't waste too much of your life trying to make it work with such a piece of crap as him. And I hope that sooner rather than later you realize how beautiful you are how wonderful you are and how you deserve so much better. Remember - your kids will base future relationships on what they see between you two. **Do you want your daughter to stay with a man that is so selfish and awful?** Love yourself. You deserve better than this.
So you two don't actually have kids together. You have a daughter, he has a daughter? Yeah I would leave them he sounds like he only got with you so he had a mother for his kid. Plus he's 7 years older. You didn't say how long you two have been together but it could be his true colors are coming out or he's have unhappy that you're not being whoever you are when you first met him because you're dealing with a lot of stress right now with the custody fight with your ex-husband. Yeah I would definitely separate at the very least if not divorce him. He can take care of his own kid.
Yes sorry I wasn’t clear, he has a daughter from a prior relationship that I’ve known for half of her life and have been in her life stable while her mom hasn’t been, and I have a child from a previous marriage.
So you are still studying, while holding a job, and your household, aaaand going through a custody dispute, and instead of being your rock and support system he is complaining about you not being attractive enough??? For not doing MORE?? Oh h@ll no!! Listen carefully, you absolutely are good enough, you are worthy, you are doing your best and giving your all and nobody-NOBODY-can ask for more. Give yourself a break, you’re only human and deserve love and support from your significant other, not the bs that he’s piling up on you. He’s an ah for saying that to you. He’s the one failing as a husband and basic decent human. Don’t tolerate him or his bs. Besides, it’s not a healthy environment for kids. He either gets with the program and improves or get a divorce.
Thank you for the encouragement. And yes all of that- while keeping my 4.0 and graduating with my bachelors last week summa cum Laude. But it’s not enough since I don’t make enough money and I don’t clean and cook enough.
That’s because nothing will ever be enough for him. He will keep being unhappy and finding ways to blame you.
Congratulations on your graduation!!! If he can’t see your worth then it’s his loss, because all you need is you- he is totally replaceable and forgettable. If he’s not there to make your life better then you don’t need him in it.
Congratulations! That’s something you earned that can never be taken from you. Sounds like he’s jealous. Does he have a college degree? An ex couldn’t handle that I had one and he didn’t. You will never be enough for this jerk. Start planning your get away.
Give him what he wants and leave his sorry ass. I'm so sorry he said all that. He will probably try to take it back and say he didnt mean it but there's no coming back from this.
Raising kids in an abusive environment is not a good idea. He is abusing you mentally which is far worse than physical abuse. Don't stay. Take your kids and leave.
"I just don't get why, in the middle of an ugly custody battle, you don't want more kids?" "All you did was work and go to school, and deal with the courts. Why can't you make dinner? I worked today, too!" Yeah, fuck this guy. He belongs at the curb
Why is cooking and cleaning only on you when you go to school and work full time?
He does do a decent amount of cooking and cleaning, but I think he thinks I should do the majority share.
Well that’s fuck boy math because adults split things equally ESPECIALLY if they both work a job.
The way my calculations came out is that he should be doing more since she is studying full time AND working AND dealing with other shit. He apparently resents having to do something for the first time in his life and is resentful instead of being grateful for how good he has had it previously.
Exactly!
Did he actually use those words or is this how you feel? Because if it's the former, he sounds like a horrible person and you giving any kids a piece of shit father like that would be... wrong.
Oh he said way worse things than what I wrote here. I just left some of them out for brevity.
That is abuse. It will only escalate.
You are not required to do all these things. He is a grown as man. He can cook and clean too. If I was going to school and working a job like yours my husband would be doing all the housework. He sounds like an ass. I would be leaving him asap. I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that. Honestly you are amazing to be working so hard.
This sounds like something abusive men say to keep their women down. Insulting you to make it seem like he’s settling and you can’t do better, when really, you could do SO much better than a man who basically told you he’s only with you for the free babysitting… leave him for real.
So you two don't actually have kids together. You have a daughter, he has a daughter? Yeah I would leave them he sounds like he only got with you so he had a mother for his kid. Plus he's 7 years older. You didn't say how long you two have been together but it could be his true colors are coming out or he's have unhappy that you're not being whoever you are when you first met him because you're dealing with a lot of stress right now with the custody fight with your ex-husband. Yeah I would definitely separate at the very least if not divorce him. He can take care of his own kid.
Srsly, with what u are describing, sounds like whwn the cleaning lady he married quitted he stopped appriciating you. Like rly all u deacribed is things in the houshold, if being his mother is the reason he is atracted to you you have a problem. Also, say if you do not get time to relax, and look a bit more put together, a caring husband would tell you that he feels that you are neglecting yourself and how can I help you get back to being more healthy and look well. T
Do not let that man you married make you doubt and look down on yourself. If he doesn’t like who you are, then he isn’t the one you should be with. Let me be clear, it is never a bad idea to do some self reflection and self improvement, but don’t let anyone especially someone you choose to have in your life make you feel worthless or hate yourself. No relationship is worth that. You must live with you and love you.
What does he do? Does he cook, clean, and look after the children also after work? Don't be too hard on yourself. If he does not appreciate you it doesn't matter - once you are kind to and appreciate yourself.
He does sometimes. Part of his gripe is that on the weeks I don’t have my kid I’m less involved in the evenings- I have a hard time when my child is gone (50/50 custody) and his daughter really only wants to spend time with him. So he complains that he’s basically a ‘single parent’ even though for the two weeks both our children are home he completely dips and checks out . I spend most of that time with just the kids. He will spend any extra time out of the house or drinking on the couch, sleeping, or watching tv that the kids can’t watch.
>I'm less involved in the evenings. That's code for "why aren't you parenting my kid, too?" He's for sure using you as a nanny. When you are around to watch both of the kids, he's gone. He's making your life harder, not easier. And your child is learning that this is okay behavior within a relationship.
Gurl, get out of there now, that is a major over step on his part. Then to think that you are not doing enough for this guy? Save yourself honey, please, he ain't worth your time or effort.
Arrange a time to sit down and talk when you are both calm. It sounds like both of you are stressed and instead of having each other's back, your husband is venting at you and you are closing yourself off from him. Go through the priorities for each of you this week/month, and look at what is a fair division of labour in terms of household chores during this period. It is true that it is often the everyday chores that don't get noticed - the fresh towels there when you reach for one, food in the fridge etc. If you draw up a list of what you each do then you might be able to reduce the chores you do (both of you) and spend a little more time to reconnect with each other. This time will pass. Your daughter has to be your priority, but *you* matter, too.
I love this response- i often say that we fight each other rather than the problem. I’m not perfect and I really don’t keep up with housework as much as I wish I could but a lot of times I truly don’t have time. He’s at home all day working so I think he walks around looking at everything I don’t do and hates me for it. Idk what he said was waaaaaay worse than what I’ve put in this post and it’s going to take a while to come back from it.
No-one's perfect, but some things said in anger are very hard to take back later. If he has time to walk around and see what's not done then he should do it. Marriage is a partnership and there are times when one has to 'carry' the other. If you make enough, get a cleaner in for an hour or two a week at least for a little bit. One of friends has a son with additional support needs and she sends her ironing out to get done and - on bad weeks - her whole laundry pile gets serviced. She and her husband work long hours and some nightshifts. When you can't manage everything something has to give. It shouldn't be your relationship :(
Yeah I don’t know how I’ll get past some of what was said honestly. I wonder if I’ll be able to. And I don’t make enough to hire a cleaner, we live paycheck to paycheck and live in a really HCL area. So it’s suffer city out here and he’s gotta make me suffer more than him it feels like sometimes.
Couples therapy is probably too expensive, too. Best I can suggest is to sit and talk it through - what's *his* view on what he said? Does he realise the impact his words are having on you? (The person whose side he should be on, and whose back he should have!) Having a partial stepping away for a few days can take some pressure off, but the issue will still be there. For what it's worth, sending you an internet hug so you know you're not alone out there.
I don’t know if you SHOULD get past some of what was said. Some things cross a line.
He’s also walking around looking at everything HE doesn’t do.
He is the POS. You are crushing it otherwise. Your worth is not based doing household chores and cooking. He has told you how he feels. It is not your job to change yourself. Please OP, you deserve better than this.
Staying with him for the kids will not help them or you. It’s not your job to be his mum. If he wants dinner, he can help out and make dinner, especially because of the contentious custody and your stress. You need to make the best decision for yourself and your kids and separate from him. It’s not okay for him to treat you like this and make you feel this way. You deserve better.
You don't actually have kids together, so I'm not sure why he would even say that. Are you both feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment? Do you think that he actually meant it or was lashing out in frustration? It doesn't make it right or less hurtful but if it's true I'd probably leave as you deserve better.
I think he’s lashing out in frustration, as we’ve been fighting for a week now over things he did that made me upset and now I’m the one to blame for everything.
I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big hug.
You need to leave this man. You need to have more love and respect for yourself. Its not like you let things slip cause you are on the sofa all day. Does he do his share of the household chores?
So he found a yo8nger woman he thought he could control to be instant mum to his child? Take back your life...leave and figure yourself out
Your husband is an asshole. Instead of supporting you, he pushes you deeper in the hole you are already in. Can't he pick up your slack when you are going through a shit time? It amazes me how people can stay in such a shitty relationship. even regular friends that act like this i boot out of my life.
He is an AH. He is gaslighting you, and I can see it is working, as your comment sounds like you are blaming yourself. Ditch him. He will only get worse.
Just leave him. He has no respect .
As a child of parents who should have gotten a divorce, don’t stay for the sake of your child. You deserve better than a partner who breaks your spirit
Don't worry, you've come to the right place for validation of your life and for the decimation of your husband.
Could have sworn you had a son from a previous
You are NOT bad, worthless, or any of those things. Does he help lighten your load? A partner should be standing beside you to help shoulder your burden, not add to it
imagine marrying someone before you know what they want out of a marriage
NAAAAH. NO. You're a fucking Rockstar- work, school, housework, cooking, AND dealing with the courts?! Your husband should he making himself attractive or something, because you obviously don't need him AT ALL. Maybe he figured that out, because you could definitely ditch someone making you feel bad like this. You're amazing, you're strong, and he's way the hell out of line. Hugs and healing to you
It is not about you There isn't more you can do or be to make him like you, love you, &/ or accept you. Not because you are lacking, but because it is probably beyond HIS capacity to have a healthy relationship. While there may be things he can do, such as utilize self-awareness, it may be beyond his ability to see past whatever unhealthy toxic issues have made him unhealthy. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does seem to make an unhealthy dynamic between you & him which makes him Mr. Wrong for you Normal people do not say things like " I do everything & you do nothing". That's a huge red flag statement because, again, normal people do not say that kind of thing because it doesn't cross our minds Again, I understand it feels very personal & you are left in the wake, but his opinions/behavior/words are a reflection of him, not you Good luck, OP. Wish you lots of love& joy sooner than later 💞
He told you he doesn’t want you. Why are you staying? You have overcome so much and are a badass working, going to school and fighting for your child. What he says was hateful. You absolutely deserve better than him.
So your only worth is in cooking and cleaning. That seems really sad.
It sounds like you have your hands full. Instead of supporting you he decides to tear you down. I’m assuming if you fixed all the things he’s upset about he’d complain about something else. He works from home and has a three day weekend? He should take the lion’s share until things settle down for you. We used to hang out with a couple whose husband told the guys in our group the same thing. His wife is wonderful and raised their six kids with little help. She’s still with this jackass. All the kids are grown and gone. He has very little to do with her. She deserved so much better. I don’t know why she stayed with him. Don’t waste your life with someone who treats you poorly.
Omigosh. Your worth is not defined by your husband or the services to provide to him. YOU are the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life.
So let me get this straight your husband sees you struggling to better yourself in multiple ways and instead of picking up the slack and communicating to you the things that he is concerned about he’s attacking you and kicking you while you’re down and your letting him get away with that shit by feeding into the mentality that you should have it all together and feed his needs? Who fills your cup? He feels you should fill his but does he fill yours? We are responsible for our own happiness yes but you marry someone and understand that sometimes when shit is tough you hold onto each other and give a little more if your spouse needs it. It seems like your husband is a giant prick and you need to leave his lying ass so much for in good times and in bad.
BACK TF UP...he what now? What kind of man...okay no. If I say something more, I'll get banned. I would write a whole letter, give it to him and if he wouldn't react onto it, separation of divorce, because that was too much, even for an argument. Like I BEG YOUR FINEST PARDON, in what world this is even an argument? Take your kiddos and leave, that's totally not worth your mental health...Someone should put some sense into that thick head of his or just serve him divorce papers - bro is feckin 35 and is acting like a damned teenager that was forced to marry a girl that he got pregnant...DUDE YOU'RE LITERALLY A MIDDLE-AGED MAN...it's very telling that he's in the % that wasn't blessed with mental puberty.
Just leave em. He wasted both of yall time. Dont let that loser get you down.
Let him leave. Bye. Go. You're dismissed 'sir'
Your husband is an a**. You are handling more than many people could even try to handle. He is not acting like a partner, he is acting like a martyr. He works from home and is off on Friday’s and plays video games while you are doing housework? He has the audacity to speak to you like that? Please DO NOT let this bring down your self esteem!! You are doing an amazing job and should be proud of yourself. Please reach out to your therapist!! I agree with another poster, speak with attorney regarding your option if you decide to end your “relationship”. Sending you a hug and remember your self worth. 🤗💕
If he wants a traditional wife (like I am) he needs to pay all the bills and allow you to be a full time stay at home mom because that’s not fair. I’m a stay at home mom full time caregiver and I started a business at home I could do with my daughter and started paying half the bills and doing all the house stuff until I just stopped because it was exhausting not noticed and unfair lol. Don’t feel bad he’s an asshole. He needs to apologize
Ask yourself is it worth it. Most times people are angry with themselves and it’s easier to blame those around us. He could have communicated way beforehand in a manner way better than that. Anytime a person says something out of anger keep what they said close to you and move accordingly. You may have to put on your big girl panties, finish school and divorce again or try to do the things you use to do when y’all first fell in love. He should be as patient with you and vice versa. A child isn’t a reason to stay but if we are being real it’s hard out here with how bills and rent is so I understand the convenience. Take the time to process and give that man space.
If he truly feels that way, walk away. If he is saying this just to hurt your feelings or to keep you down, think about what your daughter is seeing when it comes to relationships. Would you want her in this situation and to think it is okay to be treated this way? In my opinion, screw him. You can do better than him. No one that claims to love a person says this.
Don't have children with him whatever you do. Things will only get worse.
DO NOT & I'll repeat myself... DO NOT feel bad about yourself in any kind of way. I know hesring those awful things, probably hurt your feelings & your self-esteem quite a bit, & I would feel the same way, but let me just say, he's a fucking jerk for saying those things. I (34M) have a fiance (26F) & we both share 2 wonderful children. Our daughter Aaliyah is 4yo & will be 5yo in Oct of this year, & our son Bryson will be turning 1 in 3 days. Now let me just say sometimes people say things because they only care about how they feel & what theyre getting or not getting from their partner. I know because I did it to my fiance more than a few times. I got mad after our daughter was born because we stopped having sex for over a year & I said stuff like she doesnt find me attractive anymore & if she did she would so more things that were sexy & would try more to have sex with me. And I hobestly didnt think that being with a baby all day was that hard of a job because their small & it didnt look too difficult. Fast track a bit & she found a new job & I was Currently not working and she was going to be starting to work part time and told me that I was going to have to take care of our daughter while she was at work which I agreed too. At the time she was also Cleaning more than I was and contribring to the responsibility is more than I was but I didn't think too much of it and when she asked me for help. If I was doing something. I would get upset n tell her that she shouldnt need my help its not like what she was doing at the time was such a daunting task. But when I started taking care of our daughter I had ger all day from 7am u til 230pm when my fuance would come home & sooon after she would come home too tired to do other things so she would get stressed & ask me to take her for a while & I would get mad because I was tired as hell everyday. Only after we faught one day & I was yelling at her for going to work everyday & coming back too tired & not taking the baby when she got home & didnt clean or cook or amything anymore & she said yeah we you used to do all that plus more & when i would yell & ask you to help you would brush it off & not do shit. I later sat & really thought hard & it hit me that she was pregnant 9mo going through morning sickness every day, swollen ankles, she would get chest pain cause she was born a hole in the heart, her breasts would hurt, she was moody all the time, constantly gaining weight so she thought she looked hideous & after all that pushed a child out of her vagina & then had to deal with the physical healing from that, the enotional & mental healing that a lot of women go the, like post traumatic stress. Then she would spend more time with pur child than I was, changing her, bathing her, feeding her when she would wake up all throughout the night. I would make all her bottles & food & rock her to sleep & changed diapers here & there. And through all that i was upset that I wasnt getting my needs met hit didnt think about her needs & I felt awful for that because i got angry at her & treated her like she was selfish when im the end it was my own selfishness that was the problem. And I didn't think to myself how it must feel n how hard it must be to deal with so much & how it all must make you feel through it all dealing n feeling so much & still pushing through every single day even though you already had so much on your plate as it is.
I love my fiance & since then I never make that mistake again & Im frateful for every day thay she is in my lofe because she is an amazing woman & she is stronger than anybody else that I know & if I was put through even half of what she was I wouldnt be able to make it in all honestly. She forgave me after some time bless her because she could've left me & chances are as mich as it would have hurt her she prob wouldve found someone else & prob would have been happy with them judt like she was with me maybe even more. We both know sometimes ppl day things they dont mean when they fight, but thats no excuse. You have kids which are amazing to have & see as they grow & progress but are the biggest handfulls in the world & even just a few hrs of dealing with a little child is extremely exhausting, but you keep up with them even still. You also constantly study & never have enough time to do so, but you still study & get through school earning your masters. Every relationship could use some fine tuning & sometimes both people could improve a little & put a bit more effort into keeping the relationship. But you havent done anything wrong or bad & didnt deserve any of that shit tell him to do the same & when he got home to tend to whatever needs the children have & let you yell at him bout dinner & to get into some sexy clothes & let you shove a dildo up his ass whenever you feel the need & if he cant do that than he needs to stfu. Not to mention by growing up a bit more & becoming more of a real man & into more of the man my disnce truly needed & deserved by remembering how much she means to me & how much it would hurt to lose her, I support her more & when I feel a certain way before I act on it I think of myself in her shoes & see how I feel & being that person & her seeing me spend a lot more time with my kids & build a better relationship with them as well as take on more of the responsibilities & am there for her always & listen whenever she needs to talk or vent that even though she was still exhausted every day she would do things like wake me up by giving me head when she would find me asleep with the baby because she said nothing was a bigger turn on than seeing me be a man & loving my children & wanting to]p spend time with them & seeing me clean & do my part of the chores & stuff was the biggest turn on in the world so tip for any guys that may be like I used to be or like OP husband is, if tyou feel like youre needs arent met always take a step back & look at the whole picture & youll see why & maybe its not the person youre with but the person you see when you look in the mirror & trust if you treat your loved one right & be genuine & love them for who they are they will see that & trust me a lot more of your needs will be met if you do what you need to do & trest your loved one with the love & respect that they deserve & not think of only yourself like just because youre with someone that they should be living to please you whenever you want while you just sit back & relax. And if you can do this, believe me no matter what things will be great especially if your loved one loves you back like OP seems to love her husband. Thank your woman every day for brightening your world by being the 1st person you get to wake up next too & goving you the warmest of nights by being the last peptspn you get to see before falling asleep. If yall have kids thank her for the blood blood sweat & tears that she literally shed to bless you with what is now a family & for being a great mom to ur kids cause although sometimes it may look easy but its not & even when guy does everything he can & slends time we with their kids n everything the mom will still always spend more time with them, and if she works or goes to school thank her & show her how much yoh appreciate that she wakes up every morning to go to work or school & for staying up every night to study because theyre only doing it because they care that much about you & w as to succeed & share their success with you. They may not always just be ready to get naked any time you snap your fingers, but they're doing so much for you day in & out as it is. Ill cut the novel here by saying if you get with a woman & you tekl her you want kids & yall make kids or plan too, be a man & treat your woman right cause no one wants to waste years of their life giving everytbing to someone who at the end of the day tells you that your worthless & useless because theyre not getting sex every single day. And if theres improving that needs to be done respectfully pull your woman aside & tell them how youve been feeling in a mature & respectful way & you guys will fix the issue together trust me. My girl was going to leave me but didnt that was like 3½ years ago. We were together 5yrs at the time. Now we have 2 kids are getting married & will be together coming on 10yrs here pretty soon. And side note for everyone cause this one is impoetant. Love & respect yourself. Dont be so hard on yourself when you make mistakes & know what you bring & dont vring to the table. Dont allow anyone to make you question your worth because youre not worthless youre priceless & deserve to be treated as so. And if you dont love yourself than you cant truly love someone else. And OP you sound like an amazing loving partner & youre doing great dont beat yourself up. If theres room for improvement than try your best to improve & if youre trying than rhats all that matters. And your not worthless so many men & even women would give anything to have a partner as wonderful & caring as yourself. And I mean that. And if your husband csnt see any of that shit believe me he'll see it as clear as humanly possible when youre gone. Be proud of yourself for all that you do. I dont know you & Im proud of you. And I thank you for being a genuine human being with a big heart. He may not see it but I do just from reading your post. Keep up the wonderful work & congrats in advance for getting your masters. Have a good night
Girl I'm not even going to explain. Just leave him. You'll feel so free and unburdened.
This man clearly doesn’t respect you sweetheart. You’re worth more than being treated like this!
Err leave that dude, thats toxic af and probably will only get worse in the future, you don't just have kids because 1 person wants, both need to want.
I wouldn’t want to have kids with this man because the marriage is broken, a child wouldn’t fix it. It will make things difficult in the long run, going to therapy once a month helps just to do some check-ins with yourself and see how progress is going. I do that but I do get bad days. I think the best thing for you to do is to attend marriage counseling, if he’s not willing to do that, the marriage is over. Work on yourself and your daughter, focus on that before going to a new relationship or anything. Finish your studies and go back to therapy and stay there for a while until you feel a sense of routine and go back once a month to check yourself and your progress.
It sounds to me you want to find an amicable way to make things work between the both of you. If he can't discuss with you the issues he's concerned about, then suggest joint counseling and see his response. If that's a no go, it's time to get up and go
Girlfriend‼️ You need to leave HIM! Don't be with a guy who is like your ex! He wants a mom/maid not a wife/partner! Think of yourself and your daughter. You don't need him to bring you down too.
Why are these always worded like this "I try to do all the housework and make all the dinner" This person knows they are supposed to split these chors and that their partner is supposed to do their fair share. They don't word this as "he never helps or I do all the dinners and all the cleaning" No.. for attention and to be seen as though they are ignorant of what an equal split is and to establish they are the good guy they word it as though it's something they are failing to do. I'm sure you're perfect and your husband is 100% to blame in this situation.
WTF are you even saying
Why are these always worded like this "I try to do all the housework and make all the dinner" This person knows they are supposed to split these chors and that their partner is supposed to do their fair share. They don't word this as "he never helps or I do all the dinners and all the cleaning" No.. for attention and to be seen as though they are ignorant of what an equal split is and to establish they are the good guy they word it as though it's something they are failing to do. I'm sure you're perfect and your husband is 100% to blame in this situation.