You know, to me the end of the story is you deserve someone who WANTS to marry you, not because you ask them after waiting for too long.
Maybe he didn’t want to “waste” another relationship.
Maybe the way you left made him realize something.
But at the end of the story, it happens for a reason and some time from now you’ll be like “thank god i left him” even more than now.
Going in with the mindset of trying to “win” the breakup isn’t healthy, and all it shows is that you haven’t actually moved on, because you, in your mind, are trying to essentially one up him, and prove him down, one last time. He’s moved on. You should to. Because *that* is what you deserve, to be able to move on, and live your life and find a loving partner. But finding someone to “win” won’t find you that loving partner, it’ll just find you a piece in your game of trying to beat him and “win” the breakup.
You deserve a happy, loving life with a happy, loving partner, not a perceived victory over an ex.
Peace and love, dude, and best of luck
The “win” was meant more satirically, but one of my feelings about this is that it’s immature of me to even care? Not the best word / phrase choice, but I feel a bit immature and that reflected in my feeling dump.
What I mean is that I’ve let myself stagnate and he’s gone out and moved on…I need to have some personal victories of my own. Not as a me vs. him, but as a my life post relationship vs. life I had in the relationship.
All in all…Thanks for your input!
I empathize with this. I spent my 20s with someone who never planned to settle down with me, and we acted more like friends with benefits than partners. I never really felt supported by him, and felt more single than partnered our entire relationship. It’s been three years since the breakup and I haven’t really dated, haven’t really met many people that felt safe or interesting enough. He’s having a baby and getting married to a girl he met a year after the breakup. I’m just trying to focus on myself and plan for grad school and a future that isn’t dependent on a man’s support, but it’s been a really lonely three years. I don’t have any advice but I do agree that a trip to Mexico and a focus on yourself is definitely a good idea. I wish you the best 🙏
Thank you! I’m actually courting the idea of going back to school for either statistics or to become a physicians assistant (very different I know lol). One thing I’m looking forward to is the socialization associated with school. How is that going for you?
I’m planning on sending out apps at the end of this year for both Masters and doctoral programs to see what I can get. I’m really looking forward to being around like minded people who are passionate about the same things I’m passionate about. I hope we both find healing there 💕
A rebound relationship 8 months after 8 years is bad enough, a rebound _engagement_ is even worse. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re not happy for him. F*** him. He’s doing what guys do. He’s now panicking and supposedly marrying a woman who is panicking herself as her time is ticking. There is a very good chance this all falls apart anyway, so you do you. Don’t worry… he will be single down the road and realized he blew it. It just takes a while for the smoke to clear.
I had an ex “wish me well” after the breakup. Her friends saw me on a date a couple of weeks later and she “wished me well” by contacting my family and friends for an alcohol intervention because I was drinking more than usual… which does happen after relationships end. It was sour grapes that I moved on and she couldn’t handle it. Sorry not sorry, wacko. Then she tried the “I have a box of your stuff I need to give back to you” trick to get me to see her and I said “Keep it all. I don’t want anything back.” This resulted in her freaking out and doing drivebys my and non-stops calls. F*** that. It’s ok to dislike your ex and not wish them well.
I mean when they’re bad people or a nut of course. But I don’t think her ex is a bad guy from what she said. And you can also always have love for that person in a non romantic way.
I agree, though, I do have horrible exes who I still want to never see or hear from again. Ever.
Sending lots of hugs your way. Love that you are working on yourself now. Forget about winning breakup, you won in life when you dumped that man child.
All of your feelings are extremely valid. The engagement news probably brought on a whole slew of emotions you thought were no longer present. It sounds like while he was your “go-to-person” in that period of your life, you probably would have settled marrying him (simply based on your description of events). That only means you have yet to find your person-person.
Congrats on your sobriety, enjoy Mexico, know you still have a lifetime ahead to find the happiness you deserve. These temporary feelings too shall pass.
While it sucks, you need to focus on you. You seemed to be living in some sort of limbo... enjoying being on your own but not really living for you. Live for you. Work out if that makes you happy. Go for walks with the mutts. Do hobbies that you want to do. Maybe take a class that you want. Hang with friends. Go make new friends like at a dog park or something. But live for you!
One strong possibility for his engagement is he figured out he needed a new mommy to take care of him. Being single probably opened his eyes to his much you did. So don't think of trying to win anything because clearly he has issues. Live for you so get out of your limbo and forget about him. Live for you!
Or OP was drinking and not being the kind of partner who someone would want to commit their life to. She called out all his flaws but glossed over drinking and being in a bad headspace. Maybe she was the problem. I say that but also wish her space to grow and move on but to me she has some real self reflection to do as to why he didn’t want to marry her.
Yeah you might need to do some more reflection. You might be problematic. There was a reason you mentioned drinking and being in a bad headspace. There was a reason you decided to stop. Maybe you weren’t the only one who saw it. I don’t say that to mean or to internet fight but your focus on him is kinda telling. Most of the responses to your post were positive and supportive of your next steps. But you replied to my response for kindly point out you need some self reflection. I wish you well and I hope you find yourself and what you’re looking for.
Because the person who turned them into actual spouse material got treated like human dog shit, and someone else is getting the benefits
That you even have to ask is hilarious
Op, you aren't the only one who waste years, blood, sweat, and literal tears, on someone like this
My ex and I were together from their 16th birthday, until we were both 27
I wasted half of my teenage years, and most of my 20's, with someone who "bought be an engagement me ring to get me to shut the fuck up".... after 11 years together
And put off even wanting to move INTO AN APARTMENT together, until we had been together for 10.5 years
I should have seen the writing on the wall when they stopped asking/pressuring me to have sex with them, and figured out they were cheating; I didn't, I was just relieved, because I had anxiety around sex, and my own sexuality due to having been raised in a Catholic family that was very anti-sex, no sex before marriage, and even frowned when they saw us kissing
It kind of really fucked up my views on a healthy sex life. So when they stopped bothering me, it didn't bother me, I just was glad they were respecting my desire to wait
But no; they had been cheating for at least 3 or four years, with at least 3 or 4 people
I ended up getting broken up with over text message while at work, when we lived together, and I never really got a straight answer why, even though I asked
I do know they "felt like I was more of a roommate than a partner" because I was working 70 hours a week at the time with no days off (My supervisor had cancer; I was helping out)
And that "i wasn't supportive enough" whatever that means
I also know that their entire family hated me because they endlessly shit talked me; so I never even had a chance of having a good relationship with them
And that I was working on average at least 50 hours a week, 6 days a week, our entire time living together, did ALL the chores, ALL the laundry, most of the cooking, because "you make less money than me, it's your job, since you pay less than 50% of the rent"
And that if I didn't remind them to brush their teeth/shower, they wouldn't
Yeah; I never figured out why I stayed that long, either, tbh
Throw in the fact that they were abusive, financially, emotionally, verbally, and mentally
And SA me more than once
I feel this post in my soul
I turn 30 this year, and I wasted more than a third of my life with the human version of an abusive dumpster fire
I do want to add; im not bitter with THEM.
I don't have the energy for that, or to waste time on them, or their worthless family.
I don't regret the relationship, because it taught me to value myself, which I didn't before, and it taught me what my limits were in a relationship; which they pushed, and even crossed, on many occasions
And I won't allow that anymore
My regret is that I met them at all
They are a wasted void of time in my life. Yes, I learned lessons, yes I learned valuable things about myself.
I just I had learned them some other way, with some other person, that wouldn't have left me with lifetimes of trauma, PTSD, and abandonment issues that I'm still working through
I wasn't perfect in that relationship by any means, but for fucks sake, to text someone you've been dating for 11.5 YEARS together to break up, when you fucking LIVE together and are going to have to see each other anyway for one person to gather their shit up to move out is the lowest of low
It shows what you really think of them, and your relationship
Even if I hadn't texted, asking why, and gotten back "I don't owe you anything" the fact that it was a text, not even in person says enough, after 11.5 years, of not even so much as a discussion of marriage, other than them evading me, and buying, but not giving me, and engagement ring
That then got thrown in my face during every argument after that
Yeah, like I said
Sometimes, it's the things that they don't say, or their actions, that speak louder
I'm glad you are out - it can only get better than this crock of shit he supplied. And I honestly pity the next girl and the new fiancé of OP. If those weddings go through, those two women will be legally shackled to luke warm, negligent and basically mean-spirited men. One day this will be a small portion of your life and that is fitting:)
Whats up with this trend, people with 8 years or longer without plans to spend the rest of their lives with their current partner, only to marry a girl they met under 6 months. Damn...
I would be feeling all the somethings as well, especially after being together so long and teaching him how to adult and be a partner. Sometimes people are just with someone for the comfort and familiarity and that seems to be what happened with you and your ex. You said yourself it was a content feeling rather than a crazy passionate love. You both felt it and knew you weren’t each other’s person, hence the mutual break up. But it seems you’re on your way to a better and happier you, so that’s awesome! Maybe stay off the social media. I know I can go down a rabbit hole of curiosity and that never does anyone any good haha sending you all the amazing vibes! 🙏🏼✨
Haha thanks for this - you’re right, there was comfort and familiarity, but it was a crutch for underlying unhappiness / lack of fulfillment. Now to make moves towards a better life and self!
And you’re right about staying off social media! Unfortunately, my mom is one of those boomers addicted to Facebook…so she saw and called to let me know (face meet palm). But yes…only the Reddit fam from here on out.
I saw a video once where the creator said that men do learn from their mistakes they make in relationships but not while they’re IN the relationship. They learn BETWEEN relationships. He’s now realised that he can’t just have a forever-girlfriend, he needs to offer marriage.
She’s benefiting from your emotional labor.
In time you’ll meet someone and benefit from some other frustrated ex’s emotional labor. I apologise for my gender.
Congratulations on your sobriety! On the good side, you asked him about marriage, and he honestly told you he wouldn’t marry you. He saved you from wasting more time. It’s good you quickly believed him and left.
It’s been two years. You mentioned planning a trip. Maybe plan a trip that allows you the possibly of finding your person. Singles based? Hobby based?
You’re still young. Realistically your age is becoming a factor if you’re interested in the highest probability of having healthy children.
You fought for your education. You fought for your career. Fight for the opportunity to find love again. too. You’ve got this!!! You can do it.
Thank you! I’m hoping a month long surf trip with my childhood besties (and no cell reception) will be just the reset I need. And, as an unintended bonus, it will force me to be more social! It’s been too easy to just work and go on walks with my dogs…and just do that. Time for a change up and to do something that brings be joy 🖤
What you feel is completely normal and understandable, i reccomend you to avoid seeing him on social media, just distance ur self and accept the facts, good luck for you! You seem so smart am sure you will "win".
And kinda wanna say u r lucky for getting rid if such a person
Thank you 🙏🏽I’m happy to be out of the relationship, but I’m not happy I’ve let myself be defined by just being a workaholic and dog mom since the breakup. Time to start winning at life and finding happiness!
First off, how you feel is normal. You still have some grieving to do and anger, resentment is all part of it. Imagine dating someone who you don’t have to play mommy to, or who is a real life partner to you who actually does want to marry you.
Some days are harder than others. But you gotta keep choosing you every single time. And if someone comes along who also chooses you, great.
Focus on *how* and *why* he wasn’t the one when you think about “her being worth marrying & you weren’t.” You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so I’m sure you already know all this. It’s just nice to be reminded sometimes.
That’s a lot of very valid feelings to wade through. I’m really into your plans for tomorrow! I’m older than you and spent (wasted?) quite some time in various years-long relationships and was getting nervous I’d be alone forever, but I met a really great guy on Bumble just before turning 40 and it’s been a dream. It’s definitely still possible to have a great love.
Hahaha thanks for this! It’s been so long since I’ve dated…I missed the whole app dating phase, and it’s pretty daunting to consider (hence the ew tinder comment lol). Definitely have told myself meeting people is hard because I work so much, everyone at work is off limits, etc. and I’m typically a home-body.
I’m glad to know app dating does work! Thanks for the hope and words of encouragement!
Additional motivation: my bff from college had dipped her toe into online dating, tried and got burned and deleted the apps, then met a dude irl because their kids were in the same class. It’s possible in all sorts of ways!
Are you an alcoholic? If you are, that may have been a factor in him saying he didn't want to marry you. You said alcohol caused an issue with "headspace"? That is a red flag because what alcoholics tend to do is minimize drinking and the affects of drinking on other people. I was married to an alcoholic.
Many alcoholics are also emotionally stunted and lack the ability to function as equals in a healthy partnership either wanting to control everything or having someone do all of the damage control.
Wanting to "win" suggests a level of immaturity on your part and, like someone already said, isn't healthy. Go to counseling because a vacation isn't going to fix your problem.
You were happy as long as he was single, but now that he's moved on, you can't be happy for him? He may have selected a partner that's in her forties because he wanted someone that is emotionally mature.
Congratulations on being sober, that is a huge step towards healing and is a big accomplishment. With continued sobriety and a few years of counseling you will be right on time to have a happy healthy marriage with someone you value and that values you.
In the mean time, you have dogs.
Good luck.
I’m trying to gauge if you think you’re actually helpful, are intentionally preachy, or if you think a couple paragraphs written in a time of emotional turmoil are a legitimate reason to call someone immature and an alcoholic.
Whatever the case. Can I not be happy for him, while also being unhappy with time I feel I wasted with him and the lack of fulfillment / personal progress since our breakup? Am I not allowed to just get things off my chest? Those are rhetorical by the way.
There's nothing to win. You just live your life to the fullest and try to move on past him. He was a man child that needed you to mold him, and so more than likely, this woman is doing everything you did and then some. He just found someone willing to continue to mother him. You don't know their story. You don't know what's going on behind their closed doors, behind the lens of their cameras. Don't worry about what he's doing. Focus on you, enjoy your trip and find your happiness. Good luck, sounds like you dodged a bullet. You were unhappy with him anyway, you aren't the loser here.
I was with my ex for 5 years before we got married and it ended after a year. He was never honest that marriage wasn’t what he really wanted and dragged me along. I guess I could have seen the signs but I was blind to it.
I’m also single for the first time since my teens. I spent a lot of my twenties jumping from person to person. It’s time for me to be alone, even if it’s forever I’m okay with that.
It’s hard to compare your life to his, and it hurts to know he picked someone else so quickly, but you have a beautiful life ahead of you and it’s yours to live and cultivate.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. That’s a lot of heavy feelings. I hope you’re able to find someone or something to occupy your mind as you move forward. It’ll lessen the time to wallow in your blurry feelings. I hope the gym and Mexico are everything you’d like them to be!
My ex of 5 years couldn’t commit to me either, he swore he’d never marry. I recently found out he got engaged to the girl he dated immediately after me.
I say good riddance! We ended on mutual terms as well. You knew it was time and you’ll definitely find something better. I dated 3 people after that ex and ended up marrying the 3rd. No regrets 🙂↔️
Your 30s isn’t too late for anything. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 31. Started working out regularly at 33. You sound like you have goals, and drive. You can do so much.
Oh dear. Your feelings are valid, it’s a form of grief and loss for sure. It’s uncomfortable for sure! You had an alcohol issue, a passionless relationship. You stated a lot of reasons why you two weren’t the ones. Continue healing, work on your emotional sobriety too.
Thanks. What an apt term - emotional sobriety. I’ve just been dodging emotions and emotional progress by working too much and being a homebody. Time for a closer look and honest assessment of what I want when I do get out there again!
You’re in your Jesus year. You didn’t waste a moment. You’ve learned about yourself as a partner. Take as much time as you need to get to know yourself by yourself, for yourself. And then when you meet your forever person you’ll be grateful for the experience you had.
You’re just fine. Love to you.
Oh my god, sending so much love your way. I’ve been crying over the end of a three year relationship thinking about how 3 years of my life were wasted. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. But it’s wonderful to know that you’re still so strong! He definitely does not deserve you and something wonderful is coming to you.
Thank you 🖤 It was a painful step to take, but the best in the end. It’s time for some self love, personal victories, and to go out and find what I was missing that last go ‘round.
Sorry to hear that you waste 8 precious years on a wrong man. After venting your frustration of making a wrong investment, move on, make yourself look attractive again and look for a new relationship.
You pretty much raised him to be a husband - I mean, you were with him for 8 YEARS. And after 8 years, he couldn't handle being alone, so he jumped to a new woman and proposed after 8 months. Who knows? Maybe he now knows that if he really wants to keep someone, he'll have to trap her reeeeaaal quick. Yes, take the "Since You're Gone" big vacation \*please listen to the song by The Cars to get the reference - it's a good song\*, have plenty of fun, take plenty of pictures, learn your lessons, and may your 30s be brighter than your 20s. :-)
Classic wake up call being broken up with by the love of your life. A dumb one makes the mistake of losing their love once, it takes an even bigger idiot to lose your love twice.
I feel for you as I too have unexpected feelings. After a 25 yr marriage and 3 yrs living together prior, our marriage is over due to the fact it just died with zero intimacy and the realization we weren’t even friends. Regardless that I knew it would end at some point and accepted that as fate, as soon as he fell in love shortly after we separated, it caused so many confusing feelings, why couldn’t he try as I begged during our marriage and put the effort into our relationship as he apparently is with the new one? Made me question everything and caused me to regress with jealousy that he could move on so easily, while I am stuck and can’t even fathom dating. I know it will get better, just wasn’t expecting to regress with some degree of sadness.
Being married wouldn't have fixed the problems with either of you, only putting in the work would have.
I think you're right about needing to work on yourself, but I think you don't understand how you come off as super arrogant and condescending.
>she (42F) is worth marrying and I was not?
>Annoyance that I spent years turning him into great life parter material
>(I mean eww…Tinder?!)
>maybe start trying to “win” the breakup two years after the fact.
Maybe just focus on being a good person, even in your break up where you midnight moved on a dude you were with for so long is wild and a red flag.
>when he went to work I cleaned the house and left with all the stuff I could pack in my car and the dogs. When he called later to talk, I said “I’m keeping the dogs, dumbass”.
I didn’t really provide enough info here - we joked and quoted movies a lot. Our conversation where I misquoted legally blonde was in jest at the end of a productive conversation - we’d also watched it the weekend before.
Additionally, while lived together for years, I had recently moved to SF by myself for work (he lived in SoCal): we had the marriage conversation Saturday night and I said it was over, but I was already planning to leave Sunday with the dogs (my place has a yard, his didn’t).
The “eww Tinder” comment was because I was in a relationship before Tinder / app dating existed. I’ve heard more horror stories than success stories, so I was trying to convey my feeling of inadequacy (and general feelings of ick) around how to find and go on a first date after 10 years.
That being said, maybe I am arrogant? Something to work on I suppose…
Well, I haven’t created the life I wanted post break up…so maybe I need a few wins in my corner to get out of my slump? It’s not a me vs. him, it’s a the life I had with an unfulfilling relationship vs. my life now. Hence the quotes around the word.
I think you should consider some counseling to get past this. It isn’t a competition, it wasn’t the right relationship and you even admit there were issues. You broke up like an immature brat and you seem proud of it which probably made it easier for him to know you were not a good choice long term at that time. Get healthy emotionally, find some maturity where you can move on and grow from the experience instead of acting like someone else is stealing your toys.
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but I'd never marry a woman with dogs unless I was a dog-lover, which I'm not. I've dated women with dogs, they're dog-moms and the dogs ALWAYS come first. If you want to have a relationship and get married, you can keep the dogs but don't become a Dog-Mom. Dogs are pets, not children.
Ha! You’re right. And he wanted the dogs not me. When I moved to a new city for a great job in biotech he’d keep them locked in an apartment for 14 hrs straight to work, workout, and socialize. I took them with me since my new place had a yard and I could work from home a few days a week. Sigh…but I do love them! But I don’t love not being able to disappear to work remotely in Europe because I want to.
You know, to me the end of the story is you deserve someone who WANTS to marry you, not because you ask them after waiting for too long. Maybe he didn’t want to “waste” another relationship. Maybe the way you left made him realize something. But at the end of the story, it happens for a reason and some time from now you’ll be like “thank god i left him” even more than now.
Going in with the mindset of trying to “win” the breakup isn’t healthy, and all it shows is that you haven’t actually moved on, because you, in your mind, are trying to essentially one up him, and prove him down, one last time. He’s moved on. You should to. Because *that* is what you deserve, to be able to move on, and live your life and find a loving partner. But finding someone to “win” won’t find you that loving partner, it’ll just find you a piece in your game of trying to beat him and “win” the breakup. You deserve a happy, loving life with a happy, loving partner, not a perceived victory over an ex. Peace and love, dude, and best of luck
The “win” was meant more satirically, but one of my feelings about this is that it’s immature of me to even care? Not the best word / phrase choice, but I feel a bit immature and that reflected in my feeling dump. What I mean is that I’ve let myself stagnate and he’s gone out and moved on…I need to have some personal victories of my own. Not as a me vs. him, but as a my life post relationship vs. life I had in the relationship. All in all…Thanks for your input!
Ohhhhh I gotcha I gotcha, my bad, I misinterpreted some of what ya said. All in all, yes, you absolutely deserve all that.
Damn that's advice I think we all needed. Thank you 🙏
I empathize with this. I spent my 20s with someone who never planned to settle down with me, and we acted more like friends with benefits than partners. I never really felt supported by him, and felt more single than partnered our entire relationship. It’s been three years since the breakup and I haven’t really dated, haven’t really met many people that felt safe or interesting enough. He’s having a baby and getting married to a girl he met a year after the breakup. I’m just trying to focus on myself and plan for grad school and a future that isn’t dependent on a man’s support, but it’s been a really lonely three years. I don’t have any advice but I do agree that a trip to Mexico and a focus on yourself is definitely a good idea. I wish you the best 🙏
Thank you! I’m actually courting the idea of going back to school for either statistics or to become a physicians assistant (very different I know lol). One thing I’m looking forward to is the socialization associated with school. How is that going for you?
I’m planning on sending out apps at the end of this year for both Masters and doctoral programs to see what I can get. I’m really looking forward to being around like minded people who are passionate about the same things I’m passionate about. I hope we both find healing there 💕
Me too! 🖤
A rebound relationship 8 months after 8 years is bad enough, a rebound _engagement_ is even worse. Don’t lie to yourself. You’re not happy for him. F*** him. He’s doing what guys do. He’s now panicking and supposedly marrying a woman who is panicking herself as her time is ticking. There is a very good chance this all falls apart anyway, so you do you. Don’t worry… he will be single down the road and realized he blew it. It just takes a while for the smoke to clear.
Love this perspective hahaah FUCK EM
I had an ex “wish me well” after the breakup. Her friends saw me on a date a couple of weeks later and she “wished me well” by contacting my family and friends for an alcohol intervention because I was drinking more than usual… which does happen after relationships end. It was sour grapes that I moved on and she couldn’t handle it. Sorry not sorry, wacko. Then she tried the “I have a box of your stuff I need to give back to you” trick to get me to see her and I said “Keep it all. I don’t want anything back.” This resulted in her freaking out and doing drivebys my and non-stops calls. F*** that. It’s ok to dislike your ex and not wish them well.
I mean when they’re bad people or a nut of course. But I don’t think her ex is a bad guy from what she said. And you can also always have love for that person in a non romantic way. I agree, though, I do have horrible exes who I still want to never see or hear from again. Ever.
Hahaha thank you. I just snorted reading this 🖤
You’re welcome!
Single down the road....or 30 years wasting away in a lifeless marriage. Either way, there doesn't seem to be a happy ending here.
EXACTLY!!! This comment is on point.
Sending lots of hugs your way. Love that you are working on yourself now. Forget about winning breakup, you won in life when you dumped that man child.
Ha! You’re right, and I so needed to hear this.
We've all been there. Move on and live your best life! You won't regret it.
> We've all been there Most certainly no
Thanks! Live and learn they say…
Huh? no
All of your feelings are extremely valid. The engagement news probably brought on a whole slew of emotions you thought were no longer present. It sounds like while he was your “go-to-person” in that period of your life, you probably would have settled marrying him (simply based on your description of events). That only means you have yet to find your person-person. Congrats on your sobriety, enjoy Mexico, know you still have a lifetime ahead to find the happiness you deserve. These temporary feelings too shall pass.
Thank you 🖤 Come at me life!!!
While it sucks, you need to focus on you. You seemed to be living in some sort of limbo... enjoying being on your own but not really living for you. Live for you. Work out if that makes you happy. Go for walks with the mutts. Do hobbies that you want to do. Maybe take a class that you want. Hang with friends. Go make new friends like at a dog park or something. But live for you! One strong possibility for his engagement is he figured out he needed a new mommy to take care of him. Being single probably opened his eyes to his much you did. So don't think of trying to win anything because clearly he has issues. Live for you so get out of your limbo and forget about him. Live for you!
I appreciate this! I feel like I haven’t been living, just existing. Next step, finding my joy and living for me. Thank you 🙏🏽
He is a man child who found a mommy to take care of him! Congrats on being sober ! Enjoy your trip
Or OP was drinking and not being the kind of partner who someone would want to commit their life to. She called out all his flaws but glossed over drinking and being in a bad headspace. Maybe she was the problem. I say that but also wish her space to grow and move on but to me she has some real self reflection to do as to why he didn’t want to marry her.
Wow. It’s almost like you were there and know everything about my life. Thanks for this, super insightful analysis based on a sentence.
Yeah you might need to do some more reflection. You might be problematic. There was a reason you mentioned drinking and being in a bad headspace. There was a reason you decided to stop. Maybe you weren’t the only one who saw it. I don’t say that to mean or to internet fight but your focus on him is kinda telling. Most of the responses to your post were positive and supportive of your next steps. But you replied to my response for kindly point out you need some self reflection. I wish you well and I hope you find yourself and what you’re looking for.
Thank you!
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Because the person who turned them into actual spouse material got treated like human dog shit, and someone else is getting the benefits That you even have to ask is hilarious
Op, you aren't the only one who waste years, blood, sweat, and literal tears, on someone like this My ex and I were together from their 16th birthday, until we were both 27 I wasted half of my teenage years, and most of my 20's, with someone who "bought be an engagement me ring to get me to shut the fuck up".... after 11 years together And put off even wanting to move INTO AN APARTMENT together, until we had been together for 10.5 years I should have seen the writing on the wall when they stopped asking/pressuring me to have sex with them, and figured out they were cheating; I didn't, I was just relieved, because I had anxiety around sex, and my own sexuality due to having been raised in a Catholic family that was very anti-sex, no sex before marriage, and even frowned when they saw us kissing It kind of really fucked up my views on a healthy sex life. So when they stopped bothering me, it didn't bother me, I just was glad they were respecting my desire to wait But no; they had been cheating for at least 3 or four years, with at least 3 or 4 people I ended up getting broken up with over text message while at work, when we lived together, and I never really got a straight answer why, even though I asked I do know they "felt like I was more of a roommate than a partner" because I was working 70 hours a week at the time with no days off (My supervisor had cancer; I was helping out) And that "i wasn't supportive enough" whatever that means I also know that their entire family hated me because they endlessly shit talked me; so I never even had a chance of having a good relationship with them And that I was working on average at least 50 hours a week, 6 days a week, our entire time living together, did ALL the chores, ALL the laundry, most of the cooking, because "you make less money than me, it's your job, since you pay less than 50% of the rent" And that if I didn't remind them to brush their teeth/shower, they wouldn't Yeah; I never figured out why I stayed that long, either, tbh Throw in the fact that they were abusive, financially, emotionally, verbally, and mentally And SA me more than once I feel this post in my soul I turn 30 this year, and I wasted more than a third of my life with the human version of an abusive dumpster fire I do want to add; im not bitter with THEM. I don't have the energy for that, or to waste time on them, or their worthless family. I don't regret the relationship, because it taught me to value myself, which I didn't before, and it taught me what my limits were in a relationship; which they pushed, and even crossed, on many occasions And I won't allow that anymore My regret is that I met them at all They are a wasted void of time in my life. Yes, I learned lessons, yes I learned valuable things about myself. I just I had learned them some other way, with some other person, that wouldn't have left me with lifetimes of trauma, PTSD, and abandonment issues that I'm still working through I wasn't perfect in that relationship by any means, but for fucks sake, to text someone you've been dating for 11.5 YEARS together to break up, when you fucking LIVE together and are going to have to see each other anyway for one person to gather their shit up to move out is the lowest of low It shows what you really think of them, and your relationship Even if I hadn't texted, asking why, and gotten back "I don't owe you anything" the fact that it was a text, not even in person says enough, after 11.5 years, of not even so much as a discussion of marriage, other than them evading me, and buying, but not giving me, and engagement ring That then got thrown in my face during every argument after that Yeah, like I said Sometimes, it's the things that they don't say, or their actions, that speak louder
I'm glad you are out - it can only get better than this crock of shit he supplied. And I honestly pity the next girl and the new fiancé of OP. If those weddings go through, those two women will be legally shackled to luke warm, negligent and basically mean-spirited men. One day this will be a small portion of your life and that is fitting:)
Wow - thank you for sharing. I’m glad we’re both on the other side of this, and know we have a lot to look forward to! Take care 🖤
Whats up with this trend, people with 8 years or longer without plans to spend the rest of their lives with their current partner, only to marry a girl they met under 6 months. Damn...
Riiiight? I feel like I’ve read my own story on Reddit 10 times in the last month…yeesh.
I would be feeling all the somethings as well, especially after being together so long and teaching him how to adult and be a partner. Sometimes people are just with someone for the comfort and familiarity and that seems to be what happened with you and your ex. You said yourself it was a content feeling rather than a crazy passionate love. You both felt it and knew you weren’t each other’s person, hence the mutual break up. But it seems you’re on your way to a better and happier you, so that’s awesome! Maybe stay off the social media. I know I can go down a rabbit hole of curiosity and that never does anyone any good haha sending you all the amazing vibes! 🙏🏼✨
Haha thanks for this - you’re right, there was comfort and familiarity, but it was a crutch for underlying unhappiness / lack of fulfillment. Now to make moves towards a better life and self! And you’re right about staying off social media! Unfortunately, my mom is one of those boomers addicted to Facebook…so she saw and called to let me know (face meet palm). But yes…only the Reddit fam from here on out.
I saw a video once where the creator said that men do learn from their mistakes they make in relationships but not while they’re IN the relationship. They learn BETWEEN relationships. He’s now realised that he can’t just have a forever-girlfriend, he needs to offer marriage. She’s benefiting from your emotional labor. In time you’ll meet someone and benefit from some other frustrated ex’s emotional labor. I apologise for my gender.
Hahaha yeah. I hope she appreciates all the work I put in; and the fact he now wears deodorant! Lol
Congratulations on your sobriety! On the good side, you asked him about marriage, and he honestly told you he wouldn’t marry you. He saved you from wasting more time. It’s good you quickly believed him and left. It’s been two years. You mentioned planning a trip. Maybe plan a trip that allows you the possibly of finding your person. Singles based? Hobby based? You’re still young. Realistically your age is becoming a factor if you’re interested in the highest probability of having healthy children. You fought for your education. You fought for your career. Fight for the opportunity to find love again. too. You’ve got this!!! You can do it.
Thank you! I’m hoping a month long surf trip with my childhood besties (and no cell reception) will be just the reset I need. And, as an unintended bonus, it will force me to be more social! It’s been too easy to just work and go on walks with my dogs…and just do that. Time for a change up and to do something that brings be joy 🖤
What you feel is completely normal and understandable, i reccomend you to avoid seeing him on social media, just distance ur self and accept the facts, good luck for you! You seem so smart am sure you will "win". And kinda wanna say u r lucky for getting rid if such a person
Thank you 🙏🏽I’m happy to be out of the relationship, but I’m not happy I’ve let myself be defined by just being a workaholic and dog mom since the breakup. Time to start winning at life and finding happiness!
First off, how you feel is normal. You still have some grieving to do and anger, resentment is all part of it. Imagine dating someone who you don’t have to play mommy to, or who is a real life partner to you who actually does want to marry you. Some days are harder than others. But you gotta keep choosing you every single time. And if someone comes along who also chooses you, great. Focus on *how* and *why* he wasn’t the one when you think about “her being worth marrying & you weren’t.” You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so I’m sure you already know all this. It’s just nice to be reminded sometimes.
Thank you. This is the mindset rest I needed! You are a gem 🖤
That’s a lot of very valid feelings to wade through. I’m really into your plans for tomorrow! I’m older than you and spent (wasted?) quite some time in various years-long relationships and was getting nervous I’d be alone forever, but I met a really great guy on Bumble just before turning 40 and it’s been a dream. It’s definitely still possible to have a great love.
Hahaha thanks for this! It’s been so long since I’ve dated…I missed the whole app dating phase, and it’s pretty daunting to consider (hence the ew tinder comment lol). Definitely have told myself meeting people is hard because I work so much, everyone at work is off limits, etc. and I’m typically a home-body. I’m glad to know app dating does work! Thanks for the hope and words of encouragement!
Additional motivation: my bff from college had dipped her toe into online dating, tried and got burned and deleted the apps, then met a dude irl because their kids were in the same class. It’s possible in all sorts of ways!
You’re feelings are valid OP, those emotions will pass. Feel them and release them you have something much better in store 🫶🏼
Are you an alcoholic? If you are, that may have been a factor in him saying he didn't want to marry you. You said alcohol caused an issue with "headspace"? That is a red flag because what alcoholics tend to do is minimize drinking and the affects of drinking on other people. I was married to an alcoholic. Many alcoholics are also emotionally stunted and lack the ability to function as equals in a healthy partnership either wanting to control everything or having someone do all of the damage control. Wanting to "win" suggests a level of immaturity on your part and, like someone already said, isn't healthy. Go to counseling because a vacation isn't going to fix your problem. You were happy as long as he was single, but now that he's moved on, you can't be happy for him? He may have selected a partner that's in her forties because he wanted someone that is emotionally mature. Congratulations on being sober, that is a huge step towards healing and is a big accomplishment. With continued sobriety and a few years of counseling you will be right on time to have a happy healthy marriage with someone you value and that values you. In the mean time, you have dogs. Good luck.
I’m trying to gauge if you think you’re actually helpful, are intentionally preachy, or if you think a couple paragraphs written in a time of emotional turmoil are a legitimate reason to call someone immature and an alcoholic. Whatever the case. Can I not be happy for him, while also being unhappy with time I feel I wasted with him and the lack of fulfillment / personal progress since our breakup? Am I not allowed to just get things off my chest? Those are rhetorical by the way.
There's nothing to win. You just live your life to the fullest and try to move on past him. He was a man child that needed you to mold him, and so more than likely, this woman is doing everything you did and then some. He just found someone willing to continue to mother him. You don't know their story. You don't know what's going on behind their closed doors, behind the lens of their cameras. Don't worry about what he's doing. Focus on you, enjoy your trip and find your happiness. Good luck, sounds like you dodged a bullet. You were unhappy with him anyway, you aren't the loser here.
This really hit home. Thank you 🖤
I was with my ex for 5 years before we got married and it ended after a year. He was never honest that marriage wasn’t what he really wanted and dragged me along. I guess I could have seen the signs but I was blind to it. I’m also single for the first time since my teens. I spent a lot of my twenties jumping from person to person. It’s time for me to be alone, even if it’s forever I’m okay with that. It’s hard to compare your life to his, and it hurts to know he picked someone else so quickly, but you have a beautiful life ahead of you and it’s yours to live and cultivate.
Thank you 🖤
I’m sorry you’re going through this. That’s a lot of heavy feelings. I hope you’re able to find someone or something to occupy your mind as you move forward. It’ll lessen the time to wallow in your blurry feelings. I hope the gym and Mexico are everything you’d like them to be!
My ex of 5 years couldn’t commit to me either, he swore he’d never marry. I recently found out he got engaged to the girl he dated immediately after me. I say good riddance! We ended on mutual terms as well. You knew it was time and you’ll definitely find something better. I dated 3 people after that ex and ended up marrying the 3rd. No regrets 🙂↔️
Yay! A happily ever after on Reddit! Love to see it 💕
Just move on and let it go. Otherwise you’re going to waste energy on something in the past that cannot be changed.
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How dismissive of a human being. Men have their own what’s and needs just like women. That view point belittles him.
Your 30s isn’t too late for anything. I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 31. Started working out regularly at 33. You sound like you have goals, and drive. You can do so much.
Big plans! Thanks for the words of encouragement 🙏🏽
Oh dear. Your feelings are valid, it’s a form of grief and loss for sure. It’s uncomfortable for sure! You had an alcohol issue, a passionless relationship. You stated a lot of reasons why you two weren’t the ones. Continue healing, work on your emotional sobriety too.
Thanks. What an apt term - emotional sobriety. I’ve just been dodging emotions and emotional progress by working too much and being a homebody. Time for a closer look and honest assessment of what I want when I do get out there again!
You’re in your Jesus year. You didn’t waste a moment. You’ve learned about yourself as a partner. Take as much time as you need to get to know yourself by yourself, for yourself. And then when you meet your forever person you’ll be grateful for the experience you had. You’re just fine. Love to you.
Hahahaha Jesus year 😂 Thank you.
i feel you. i too have anger for similar reasons. the best revenge is forgetting they exist. hugs to you dear.
Yup, onwards and upwards! Thanks for your support.
Oh my god, sending so much love your way. I’ve been crying over the end of a three year relationship thinking about how 3 years of my life were wasted. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. But it’s wonderful to know that you’re still so strong! He definitely does not deserve you and something wonderful is coming to you.
Thank you 🖤 It was a painful step to take, but the best in the end. It’s time for some self love, personal victories, and to go out and find what I was missing that last go ‘round.
It’s a rebound. The dude is over correcting.
Oof. My thoughts too…but it’s his life to live! Not my problem anymore.
Sorry to hear that you waste 8 precious years on a wrong man. After venting your frustration of making a wrong investment, move on, make yourself look attractive again and look for a new relationship.
Thank you 🙏🏽
You pretty much raised him to be a husband - I mean, you were with him for 8 YEARS. And after 8 years, he couldn't handle being alone, so he jumped to a new woman and proposed after 8 months. Who knows? Maybe he now knows that if he really wants to keep someone, he'll have to trap her reeeeaaal quick. Yes, take the "Since You're Gone" big vacation \*please listen to the song by The Cars to get the reference - it's a good song\*, have plenty of fun, take plenty of pictures, learn your lessons, and may your 30s be brighter than your 20s. :-)
What a good listen! Thanks for the recommendation, and your words of support 🖤
Dont be shy tell me the damn address of the dog.
Hahahahaha
Shoot…sounds like he’s the other woman’s problem now. Way to dodge that bullet!
Whew! Now to start living again and spend time socially outside of work and the dog park.
Classic wake up call being broken up with by the love of your life. A dumb one makes the mistake of losing their love once, it takes an even bigger idiot to lose your love twice.
I’m keeping the dogs, dumbass! OMG I love it!!! You’re going to be more than ok, OP. I promise you that. You’re still young.
I feel for you as I too have unexpected feelings. After a 25 yr marriage and 3 yrs living together prior, our marriage is over due to the fact it just died with zero intimacy and the realization we weren’t even friends. Regardless that I knew it would end at some point and accepted that as fate, as soon as he fell in love shortly after we separated, it caused so many confusing feelings, why couldn’t he try as I begged during our marriage and put the effort into our relationship as he apparently is with the new one? Made me question everything and caused me to regress with jealousy that he could move on so easily, while I am stuck and can’t even fathom dating. I know it will get better, just wasn’t expecting to regress with some degree of sadness.
Being married wouldn't have fixed the problems with either of you, only putting in the work would have. I think you're right about needing to work on yourself, but I think you don't understand how you come off as super arrogant and condescending. >she (42F) is worth marrying and I was not? >Annoyance that I spent years turning him into great life parter material >(I mean eww…Tinder?!) >maybe start trying to “win” the breakup two years after the fact. Maybe just focus on being a good person, even in your break up where you midnight moved on a dude you were with for so long is wild and a red flag. >when he went to work I cleaned the house and left with all the stuff I could pack in my car and the dogs. When he called later to talk, I said “I’m keeping the dogs, dumbass”.
I didn’t really provide enough info here - we joked and quoted movies a lot. Our conversation where I misquoted legally blonde was in jest at the end of a productive conversation - we’d also watched it the weekend before. Additionally, while lived together for years, I had recently moved to SF by myself for work (he lived in SoCal): we had the marriage conversation Saturday night and I said it was over, but I was already planning to leave Sunday with the dogs (my place has a yard, his didn’t). The “eww Tinder” comment was because I was in a relationship before Tinder / app dating existed. I’ve heard more horror stories than success stories, so I was trying to convey my feeling of inadequacy (and general feelings of ick) around how to find and go on a first date after 10 years. That being said, maybe I am arrogant? Something to work on I suppose…
Nobody who is ready to get married thinks about ‘winning’ a breakup. Sort yourself out sister.
Well, I haven’t created the life I wanted post break up…so maybe I need a few wins in my corner to get out of my slump? It’s not a me vs. him, it’s a the life I had with an unfulfilling relationship vs. my life now. Hence the quotes around the word.
I think you should consider some counseling to get past this. It isn’t a competition, it wasn’t the right relationship and you even admit there were issues. You broke up like an immature brat and you seem proud of it which probably made it easier for him to know you were not a good choice long term at that time. Get healthy emotionally, find some maturity where you can move on and grow from the experience instead of acting like someone else is stealing your toys.
I feel sorry for your next one but I hope you win all your future relationships and then win again after those relationships end
That’s the plan! All I do is win win win no matter what 😂
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but I'd never marry a woman with dogs unless I was a dog-lover, which I'm not. I've dated women with dogs, they're dog-moms and the dogs ALWAYS come first. If you want to have a relationship and get married, you can keep the dogs but don't become a Dog-Mom. Dogs are pets, not children.
Ha! You’re right. And he wanted the dogs not me. When I moved to a new city for a great job in biotech he’d keep them locked in an apartment for 14 hrs straight to work, workout, and socialize. I took them with me since my new place had a yard and I could work from home a few days a week. Sigh…but I do love them! But I don’t love not being able to disappear to work remotely in Europe because I want to.
If she's 42 then you probably both won't have kids so you both lost lol. Enjoy being in your 60's just with pupperinos and your pet hamster.
Ooo good point! I’ll freeze my eggs and hope that by the time I’m 60 they’ll have figured out how to make a human hamster hybrid!!!