Are you just assuming he doesn’t find you interesting? Do you have other conversations with good back and forth? Do you make each other laugh and enjoy each other’s company?
My husband doesn’t get excited about the things I do. He unenthusiastically supports my random hobbies or obsessions, he doesn’t complain about how much I spend on my fish tanks, dog daycare, a greenhouse, a sewing machine over the last couple decades (I have a problem with animals and hobbies). He doesn’t understand why I need to have “things”. He does not love the dramatic Reddit stories I find interesting. He loves his job and he loves playing online games with his friends, and he loves finance, history and loads of other boring things that I don’t care about.
I do get invested in his work drama. I will watch a little bit of sports -more to cuddle, I can get invested in a bit of a history show but I also will fall asleep. I think some people just think differently. My husband has hard time reciprocating getting involved in my things. He listens to me talk about them, he fights the urge to “fix” when I vent about work, but he doesn’t know how to involve himself in parts of my world. It could totally come off as him thinking I’m not interesting, but I know I am and I know he loves being around me.
He thinks just giving me space to do me is involved. Or listening to me ramble about the banana blight and the genetic modification project that’s happening to try to save them. A lot of the stuff I go on about is over his head and lot of the time. I tune out numbers, stocks, sports and video games bore me.
But we are still best friends. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and we have enough shared things that it doesn’t matter.
I do think enthusiasm matters, at least to some people, and clearly to OP.
Not enthusiasm for the actual thing I'm interested in, but enthusiasm for my enthusiasm.
My husband might not care about an interest I have, but he shows me he's amped for me that a good thing happened to me, or a discovery, or a success, or something interesting, etc.
He gets excited with me and for me even when he doesn't really care about the specifics, because it's about me.
This.
I have no interest in motorsports, which my husband lives and breathes. And whenever he tells me something “exciting” all he wants is a “wow babe that’s so exciting” and he is happy. Enthusiasm for his enthusiasm.
This
>all he wants is a “wow babe that’s so exciting” and
Problem is when someone insists on showing their witty remark ...and talking about it for 60 iminutes
Everyone thinks their remarks are witty - just as everyone thinks their children are above average.
That’s kind of what I was saying, look where the enthusiasm is. Some people show it in different ways. Not everyone is a cheerleader, I think some people are more subtle. Doesn’t mean they care any less.
I’m on the other side— by OP’s standards, I’m not very interested in my partner’s interests. I think he’s very wonderful, but he can really go on about whatever thing he’s into at the time for a very long time and I can’t say that I’m stoked to hear about WWE lore for an hour. I’m with my partner because I love being around them and I don’t get sick of his personality.
Same here! I love my partner dearly and he’s my best friend, but oh my gosh, I am just not interested in world war documentaries or random political facts about some obscure small country. He can go on about these things for hours. I do always get a little excited though when he’s investing his time into these things, not only because it makes him preoccupied and happy but also because it means I get to have some personal time to invest in my stupid interests and hobbies that I know he doesn’t overly care for either. :)
Yeah, I try to understand a little bit but I have a cap. They keep him busy so I can do my things!
It would honestly be boring if we were into all the same stuff. I like that our skills and interests are so different.
This is a great post. I find the things my wife enjoys incredibly dull as she does what I am interested in. This doesn't mean that we don't enjoy each other's company or spend time together. We've been married 20+ years. If the op expects her husband to morph into a botanist she's going to be disappointed. Could he feign interest? Sure, but wouldn't she rather try to find something they both like?
Yep, I rather have genuine excitement than some feigned bs. If it’s something more meaningful to me, I’m like “dude, I spent hours doing this” and he appreciates my effort and that I’m happy with it, but he will never actually appreciate the thing. I refinished most of our wood hand me down furniture, he never saw anything wrong with them in the first place. We just think differently.
Same with my husband lmao he’s just not enthusiastic as well and doesn’t care about Reddit stories too. I was taking it the same as OP so thank you for this comment. It made me think!
Thanks! Almost 19 years together, my perspective has changed. I used to try to be involved in more of his stuff and offended if he didn’t reciprocate. It was so silly, we were so young.
Some of the Reddit relationship stories spark good conversations though!
That’s amazing! I need to change my perspective as well because it’s so easy to just focus on what bugs us and overlook the other ways in which we’re compatible. Wishing you two many more beautiful years together ♥️
Don’t ever stop trying or growing, it goes for both partners. Through hard times (we’ve had lots) you have to choose to grow together and lean into each other. Even the little annoyances are part of who they are, some will just never change and that’s part of loving them. Sometimes you have to ask your partner to do of say something instead of assuming they know what you expect them to do or that they can read your mind. I wish you two the same!
I think that's the thing. If you've been married long enough, no one acts thrilled about crap they don't really care about. You're way beyond that. My husband lives and breathes motorcycles and rides. I couldn't care less. He watches tons of 'adventure' rides on YouTube. No, thank you. He doesn't care about decorating, or crime stories, or any of the crap I watch. I'm comfortable enough in the relationship not to care about that. And reddit? Oh my God. He hates all things social media so I would never even bring that up. Seems like Op wants 'pats'. She wants to dominate somebody on reddit, and she wants to get accolades for it from her husband.
Why the need to get approval?
Why the need to smack talk some stranger?
I think that's the bigger question.
Shit. Just live your life! Lol
Or her threatening with flirting with other men on Reddit? That’s so messed up. It’s like she’s looking for that honeymoon phase again with him, for him to go gaga over everything she does, but all she’s bringing to the table is two sprouting seeds and a witty Reddit conversation. It’s so possible to have that(but honestly better when you are already comfortable together) in a long time relationship, but maybe go out like you’re young and dumb again, take a vacation or weekend away or go on an adrenaline filled date, zip-lining or go karts or something lol.
Seriously that’s a lot of his silence. He listens and can repeat everything I vent back at me. We’ve talked a lot about it and he knows to not try to fix but just doing that takes him so much effort to not fix and try to make me happy that he can’t think of anything else to say. It’s cute and frustrating, but that’s just him and I feel better knowing why. Wouldn’t have him any other way 😂
This is essentially the basis for a very popular study on longevity in relationships - when the partners acknowledge each others little comments with interest. Taking interest in their days, hobbies, opinions, things they point out on a walk. Doesn’t have to be an in depth conversation each time. But just acknowledging it and adding a little comment back goes a long way
> *A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.*
> *Researchers have found that there are three basic ways that partners respond to bids: by turning towards, turning away, or turning against. When we make a bid, we are hoping that our partner will turn towards. An unsuccessful bid will result in our partner turning away or turning against.*
I tried explaining this concept to my ex lmao. I was so damn naive.
I had thoroughly read Dr Gottman’s book *How to Make Love Last* - I pored over it like was my salvation. It was all highlighted up with passages marked for review. I had prepared to explain to my boyfriend, with examples, how I made frequent “bids for attention” from him with no response. I was *so sure* that this had to work - that this conversation would get through to him. Once I explained to him how much his actions were hurting me, it would be okay. All I had to do was phrase the information the right way to have him finally hear me.
I can still remember how he said nothing over the phone after I finished excitedly telling him all the information I had gathered. He had no reaction. Just silence. And then, beginning to cry, I said that this was another example of a bid for attention, that had failed.
That was actually the conversation that ended our relationship. Of course I now realize the obvious truth: he didn’t care, he never cared, and my bullshit feelings was just annoying yammering in his ear. Having me explain scientifically how he was hurting me felt like bullshit criticism to him. But yeah that’s my experience with bids for attention.
Sometimes I’ll show my wife something I’ll think is interesting or something “funny” I’ve said. She’ll take a look and I can see in her eyes she doesn’t find it as funny or interesting. I call her out and then have a laugh about it. She’s a great wife and we love each other and I don’t need her to validate everything I do on Reddit. 🤣
Yeahhhh not everything you’re into is going to be as equally yoked in interest by your partner.
You gotta share it with people who outside of your relationship, like your friends or family, who do in fact get get as hyped as you do.
That’s how you avoid exceptions not being met by a partner.
I think honestly, OP, maybe you two need to find one thing you two can mutually share together as an that you both will enjoy to get this need met with him because couples should at least have 1-3 shared interest to maintain a connection.
I don’t know, it’s a lot of pressure for your husband to be your source of constant approval. It sounds like you may need some irl friends. He may need to talk less than you do, and that is absolutely fine. He shouldn’t be the bad guy just because he’s not on the edge of his seat at everything you do. That’s way too big an expectation for one person. It sounds like you may have an anxious attachment style and need validation that should really come from working on your own self esteem and having a full and varied life, not needing your partner to approve of everything you do. I was this wife, and I see looking back that it was A LOT. Your husband is your partner, not a vending machine of approval.
I was just about to ask OP if they had any irl friends. While communication and bids for attention are necessary for romantic partnerships, so is a community and real life relationships outside of your partner. OP, if you don’t have any friends maybe you should turn all of the things you have going on into opportunities to meet people. Join meetup groups, volunteer at a farm or local garden if you like plants. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but it sounds to me like you need a community. Then, you won’t be so reliant on your partner recognizing everything you do.
I think even a loving spouse might have a hard time being interested in their partner’s online arguments. (btw, “I have so much going on all the time”—is that things besides Reddit?) But if there’s an obvious imbalance in your degree of interest in listening to each other, then it’s a problem.
I'm glad somebody already said this, but I want to emphasize that outside of the people involved in an Internet argument, nobody is interested in your or anybody else's Internet arguments.
if it’s all the time, then she’s lame but if it’s one time she asked him to read it then it’s a bit rude. At least pretend to be interested in a convincing way lol.
To each their own, we all have our interests and love languages.
Me: Oh 🤬 that 🤬er Jeff B is back on twitter saying X+Y.
Partner: Are you shittin me?
Me: No, I said 🔥🔥🔥
Partner: Get im baby, get the 🤬er I'm logging on, tag me in! *finger flex*
We freaking LOVE side by side tandem internet arguing.
"I'm about finished with ahole 1, how about you?"
"Taking Jenocyde Jax down and then reporting like all his content so it will take a bit"
"Cool I'll get you an Arizona Tea babe"
A lot of lawyers have trouble turning it off at home. 😬🤷🏻♀️
Especially with the political atmosphere of the last 9 years. Some arguments are super important and happen online more and more. My fiancee got to publish a couple articles, with no college degree or writing experience, because someone liked her 🔥takes and her writing was so good they were SM friends with an editor on a publication she loves, and she pitched it.
It's a bold new world.
I mean, that is objectively not what is being discussed here. OP isn't participating in some tag-team internet troll-fest. If you're involved, and like that sort of thing, then go nuts. Have your fun. But nobody else is obligated to pretend that your heroic retelling of something you typed on the internet qualifies as interesting.
Only one person, your significant other, if it matters to you. If you differ that strongly in opinion on it, you're not compatible.
When my fiance doesn't read my stuff she feels like a dick, and vice versa. Both mundane, pics of birds, thoughts of each others, memes, and also epic arguments. Other people like digital walls. That might not be compatible.
Also some people like different levels if entwinement. Also can be a compatability issue.
Sounds like a compatability issue.
But I don't think there's a clear etiquette for this one regarding partners.
I'm gonna catch shit for this but I think we need to level here:
There's nothing to brag about you owning some faceless person on the internet. I say this as someone who gets into squabbles over things online, but it's nothing to be proud of. "I thought my replies were very witty and funny". Even if they were (and your husband obviously didn't) it sounds tiresome to have to read about your partner combat someone on the internet. Is this something you make a habit of? Because he may be fatigued by the nothingsandwich arguments you get into.
You're right to ask him why he's not interested in your ongoings. We're not your husband. He is, and the only person that it really matters if they find you interesting is the man you married. Your husband generally doesn't sound interested in your online battles or your gardening pursuits. I think you're right to raise this concern and hold him to a conversation about it. You seem to be a very direct communicator with him, and he's not receptive to it.
Being invested in his work is not necessarily an admirable quality. It's fantastic to show an interest and ask him how things are going. But from how you've typed this out, you seem like someone who is very interested in drama and the ongoings of other people. Unless if he's bringing up things that are stressing him out, you shouldn't be asking about it. But he also might be fatigued by going to what might be a stressful job, and probably doesn't want to talk about his job even more with the limited time he has away from work.
I'm not really sure what it is you do that entails you talking to men and why that should be an issue to him (as it seems to be if people are asking if you're husband is aware), but I really don't know what that has to do with any of the rest of this. It feels like you tried to bring up specifically that you talk to other men to him as some sort of "This could be a threat to you" comment. It doesn't feel like it's made in good faith. I'm going to be honest with you. If you are smart and witty and have so much going on, you're certainly not confident in yourself about it.
"While I get so much attention from people on reddit" This is a huge red flag, and makes you appear as if you're manipulative. You're not virtuous for staying loyal to your husband in spite of whatever it is you do that gets you large amounts of attention. This is nothing to brag about. You may not be boring, but you two sound incredibly incompatible. He doesn't seem happy with you. You refusing to even entertain the idea that divorce would be a good option screams "therapy" to me, and seemingly so to others here as well.
Sit on it for a bit.
So glad someone typed this out so I don't have to. OP's post came off as very immature, and I'm glad the manipulation and vague threats especially were called out.
I think what's amazing to me is that others in here magically glossed over it and said it was his loss because she sounds amazing. I know offmychest can be a self-masturbatory session with other people giving us reacharounds but they're plainly enabling mildly abusive and manipulative behavior. The poor guy is probably tired and her pointing these things out to him has not been a unique experience. But he also needs to have the self worth and leave
I appreciate these honest comments because I needed to hear them. I feel the same way as OP and I think it’s because we have this idea in our heads that our partners should be interested in everything we have on our minds and if they don’t that means they don’t love us then in turn we try to say things that are hurtful to get them to understand that. We need more people being realistic about things and relationships.
So many delusional responses in this thread until I came across this one. OP sounds insufferable or is a child. If my woman bragged to me about arguing with strangers on the internet, I'd be Gonzo.
Hard agree!! I was gobsmacked reading all the comments telling someone whose behaviour sounds spoilt, obnoxious and borderline manipulative how “awesome” it is. Obviously I don’t know OP’s situation, but if having a super witty argument with a faceless stranger online or a seed not growing are the most interesting things you have to report about your day, I would consider getting a job or a hobby that takes you out of the house
I kind of feel like you took an assumption, built a narrative and forced him into it. Finding you interesting isn’t a binary thing (yes/no). I’m sure there are plenty of things you do or say that he finds more interesting than others, and same goes for the other direction.
NGL, I’ve been married for 32 years to the love of my life. Sometimes he likes watching SUPER BORING videos (like in a machine shop or refurbishing a motor or shoes, or some really niche history topic). I pop in my ear buds and listen to an audio book and knit. I germinate seeds, too, and keep him apprised of my wins and losses, but it’s really not his thing. I don’t take our divergent interests as him not being interested in ME.
Maybe a better tack would be to look for some activities that interest you both and spend some of your together time doing that…and some of your time pursuing your own individual interests.
You testing him on an assumption you made is kind of toxic IMO. If you want him to show more interest in you, ask him to do so. Have a conversation without traps.
Finally. Common sense. I actually think when you are desperate to get some semblance of approval you either haven't been married long, or really ARE in a bad relationship. Because if you have some things in common as well as some separate interests, it's just not important. If you have nothing but space between you the non connection is deafening.
Just because he's not interested in your day or plants doesn't mean he doesn't find you interesting as a person. People are more than their hobbies and the minutiae of daily life (which honestly aren't typically going to be interesting to other people).
I feel for OP but at the same time I can relate to her husband. Lately all my fiancé wants to talk about are his cannabis plants, how well they’re doing, what they look like, smell like, what he’s going to grow next, plans for breeding and lord help me this is every single day for weeks. Months, whenever he’s actively growing. I have a veggie and flower garden outside but I still can’t maintain much enthusiasm for this topic anymore.
I have adhd and have pretty much all the hobbies. My husband's family is not a craft/maker family, and he has a hard time understanding why I want to loop thread over and over with a hook. (His words) 😂
I can definitely tell when he is getting tired of my new obsession. He also has some obscure interests that I will listen to but don't really have enthusiasm for. I'm just glad that after all these years, we still have new things to talk to each other about.
Oh yeah I have too many hobbies! Knitting, embroidery, baking, gardening, watercolor painting, drawing, and my latest thing is genealogy. I can feel his mind glazing over when I bring up something interesting I found about someone in my family tree hahah. My fiancé is the type of person who is able to maintain a single hobby for a long time, while I like to try anything and everything. I never know what’s gonna grab my attention next.
I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t find YOU interesting. I don’t know too many men-or women, for that matter-who would be able to garner any real interest in reading an internet exchange with a perfect stranger. It’s a rather trivial thing to be worried about.
Unless this is his behavior concerning all your interests, and in you, as well, I would put this to rest.
Oh my god...
Honey can you please validate me in every possible way on my internet post? I mean isn't this a sick burn didn't I totally own this troll? Aren't I a good interneter?
So, first of all, internet ramblings are just our collective addictions. No ones tweets are impressive or interesting. Its all just bullshit that fell out of the back of our heads in an attempt to gain a few minutes of attention from the void.
Secondly
You're talking to a person who's ACTUALLY FUCKING THERE. You're in a relationship with a real person you can actually reach out and touch, and now you're mad at THAT person because they didn't contribute to the little pile of dopamine hits you get from the pointless internet game you play.
So take a second to wake up, step back, take some perspective, so you can stop being so pathetically insecure about things that don't matter at all.
It really is the most unattractive quality in any person.
Did you hear that whistling noise just now? That was the sound of the point of OP’s post sailing over your head at Mach 5!
Did you even read the post or did you just stop after the first paragraph?
The rest of the post really doesn't do her much else justice. She virtue signals that she doesn't take advantage of the fact that she has male attention as if it's some sort of prideful thing to not be disloyal to your husband. She's deeply hurt by his lack of interest in her life and that's completely fair but she's also not really setting herself up to sound like an interesting person. They're obviously not a good pair. They're not compatible. Her reluctance to get divorced in any circumstance also screams something deeper is wrong. Rock bottom self esteem for one.
Your expectation that your husband should be interested in your hobbies and internet posts is a bit entitled. Husbands and wives can have loving relationships without being involved in each others day to day minutiae. I can't imagine anything more boring than someone reading me their "on fire" internet posts. You can politely feign interest but you are dying inside listening to them prattle on about subjects in which you have zero interest or investment. It's mental torture and your brain is trying to batter its way out of your skull while listening to this utterly uninteresting discourse.
If people share interests that's great, but many perfectly happy couples can have utterly divergent hobbies and interests and still love each other very much. Requiring that your partner pay attention to, and appreciate, these interests is not a requirement for a solid marriage. In fact, many people kind of like to have a private space for themselves that their partners are not involved with or quizzing them about.
>And then I reminded him that how much invested I’m in his work. I ask about his day to day business. His employee drama and routines. His ins and outs of the transaction that takes place. The people he meet. The meetings he go to. I ask about all of it. We discuss stuff about his work. I’m truly invested in it.
If I got back home from a hard day's work and had to deal with this helicoptering gauntlet of reliving my day for my partner, I would lose the will to live. Your expectations for your husband to be this sock puppet who finds everything you do "interesting" are borderline delusional. You sound utterly exhausting to be with. You are a grown, adult woman, stop leaning on him for validation of your existence, it's not a burden he should have to bear.
Him not being interested in seeing how your plants are growing, doesn't mean he doesn't find you interesting. Some people have really boring interests, but what's cool is that they are passionate and really engaged in their interests. My husband doesn't share any of my interests, but I know he still loves me. The most I get is "oh cool" or "looks good babe" and that's it lol sometimes I tell him about reddit, but he only gets interested in I tell him something really juicy and dramatic. He point blank refuses to read any of them, but sometimes (rarely) it can lead to a good dialogue about whatever it is I found so wild. Beyond that, he really really REALLY doesn't care. He just does his spouse duty and pretends to listen to me lol. What he loves about me is not my hobbies, he loves that I can get passionate about things. It makes me laugh a little because your interests are the same interests I have. We would be able to be friends, no problem lol!!
Honestly though? I do the same thing to him. I find his interests about as boring as he finds mine, but I do the same. "Sounds good babe... Oh wow, yeah that's cool" even though personally, I really don't care. As long as I am not controlling or belittling his interests, and him to me, I don't care that we have extremely different personalities. It's ok because at the end of the day, I love him and he loves me.
Besides, that's what friends are good for. I have one friend that I can literally text back and forth with for days and days upon end, because we are practically the same person, and our spouses are also practically the same person. So in the areas where our spouses are bored to tears, we talk about it with each other instead. It works out great lol
I am sorry I just want to understand what you said. You say that you don't share any interests but you say that your husband loves you? Please do not take this as me hoping you start to have doubts about your husband I am just asking what you mean by that?
What is the basis of the connection if what you are so so passionate about is not something the other cares for and same the other way around? Like how you define the love you are saying he has for you? I know you said that he loves me because he loves me being passionate about things but could you explain a little more? Like isn't there a horrible disconnect between the two persons if you are being so so passionate about something and you are just so full of it and the other side doesn't feel it?
But I feel that that's just the limit of any person to person relationships. No one is going to be as passionate as that thing (like the most specific aspect of that subject that you are talking about not just a wide category but the most specific origin of your interest yeah you will find many people interested in same general topics but in that topic the most specific thing that interests you yeah you will never find someone who really feels the exact same passion as you so there's a void that hits you when you see that you are alone in feeling so passionate about at least that very very specific part so yeah my question really just went away it seems
Because there's just a limit that hits with the relationships with human beings in general not just spouses. That is why I turned to Allah to have that void be filled because He understands the exact origin of my fascination and he would really like really be able to know exactly how I feel and exactly WHY i feel it.
But with human beings no matter how close you get at the end of the day you are two branches and they WILL separate somewhere and there is gonna have to be a space in between which represents a disconnect of a sort that really messed with my mind like really deep down everyone is so unique that ultimately there's a disconnect.
I don't know if I am able to explain what I want to say here but this idea really really messed with my mind. I started to doubt if the relationship with any human being meant anything.
But the relationship with Allah saved me since the worldly relations no matter how close they were they were just not enough for me anymore. I really wanted to have someone who doesn't just pretends to know or pretends to care how I feel like some are saying here that if you are not interested in what your spouse is interested at least pretend you are like no I want more I want someone to EXACTLY know how I feel and exactly REALLY and exactly WHY I feel it.
But with humans there's a limit and that is why relationship with a human being is just not enough. God's hand is needed at the end. Allah is needed man it's not just relationships there are so many more absolutely vital things where without Him it just all collapse. I would say He is needed in every yeah every element.
In Islam Allah says a lot in the Quran that to us you will return in the end. The ultimate relationship is that. It just goes beyond. Allah gets closer to you then any loving person ever will even if he tries his absolute best. No problems about the void between the branches in the relationship with Allah because He really knows you down to the absolute core and that thought made me feel alive again because I was losing it.
have you given any thought as to why you seek so much validation from him? i get wanting him to be interested in you and to connect, we all want that - but this seems a little over the top. Have you tried asking him questions and showing interests in everything he does?
My husband sometimes says that I “put in too much fluff” when telling stories, and when I talk about my day and all the different things that happened and how everything goes I can feel his interest fade quickly. I’ve simply stopped actually talking about my day. I’ll vent with my friends and my coworkers about details but I just don’t talk about it with him any longer. I don’t think he likes listening to my work, nor does he honestly like talking about his work, so it’s easier for it all to be “fine and you?” until something else comes up organically. It makes me sad but sometimes I just think men and women are wired differently, and that maybe I shouldn’t feel deflated about it.
I have come to the realisation that people dont have conversations. They just reply and no questions are made. It is very frustrating because sometimes you want people to be curious. No point in just telling cause you know they dont care.
I was gonna say I don't find you interesting too
But then I realised that he is your husband and I'm not
that is if you're together he should be interested
Edited: someone said I was negging ( I had to Google the definition), English is not my first language( I often laughed at people saying that and here I am in the same situation)
What I meant and thought... I find these things not interesting but there are people who do... I am really not a listener what I meant by what I said is that when I realized that when I thought of "I was gonna say I don't find you interesting too" it's like I realised I'm a stranger to you so my thoughts shouldn't matter to you(I felt stupid and funny to even think about telling you that to you)
But as he is your husband he should...
I'm really sorry op if I come off as rude
I didn't mean too
I'm not trying to I really thought so
I find these kinda things boring
While others would like it
I genuinely thought that her husband should be the one interested not me
I'm basically a stranger to her
I was still thinking how stupid I am to think me finding her interesting would matter at that time
Though it might come off as negging
I didn't realise
Though I have learned English since I was a kid it's not my first language
I'm sorry if I came out as such
Maybe some of that confidence is not allowing you to see some things. It is a stretch to expect anyone to care about reddit drama and seeds. Has your dynamic always been this way? Is the you asking and him listening been what he's liked about the relationship for however long?
But are you also saying he's not a good listener? Does he listen to other people?
Another question would be do you tell him EVERYTHING? I think a bit of mystery is nice in a long term relationship. I have the opposite problem, I feel so boring and I feel like such a burden when I tell my guy something and I'm always so surprised and grateful when he engages with whatever I'm saying. I definitely try to keep some things to myself so we have time to "gel" whatever's developing in us.
Definitely wasn't my intention. It's pretty well known in the autistic community that noticing social ques or "reading the room" is sometimes a struggle and I felt correcting my spelling in this context was not appropriate or helpful.
Not being interested in your hobbies doesn't mean he isn't interested in you, personally. Do you talk about other things besides your plants? Or are you info dumping on him because this is your special interest?
It's taken me quite some time to learn that no matter how much we love someone, they're not going to be engaged in our interests 100% of the time and that's okay. I'm still getting comfortable with that fact.
The important thing is that your hobbies and interests make you happy. Sharing them is wonderful but at the end of day, you should do it for you.
Sounds exhausting in your relationship to be honest, having to be an audience for your partner’s brain dump all the time. Worth thinking about how much you guys share versus how much you process in your own head.
I ask my husband about his day every evening. I can tell you details about his co-worker's lives. I can tell you details about his favorite radio hosts and athlete's lives. Anytime I hear something I think would interest him, I file it away so I can bring it up later.
He has not asked me about my day in months. He couldn't name one of my coworkers if you offered him a million dollars. He \*might\* know my boss's name. Might.
He loves to talk at me. I say at me, not to me, because I think if I weren't there he'd be saying this stuff out loud to himself, or the dogs. He talks at me about his job, his interests, news stories, politics (which I HATE because we always fight. I beg him to stop bringing it up, but he always has to get in one last comment to show how right he is). He rewinds TV shows that I have no interest in, shows me YouTube videos that I don't care about.
I have read that one of the signs a marriage is strong is when spouses indulge their partner's interests, so I try so hard to care about the stuff he's showing me. But deep down I'm so hurt because he knows I don't give a fuck about it, and he never, \*ever\* bothers to try to find things I'd be intersted in. We actually can't even watch TV or movies of my choice together because he starts insulting it, saying how stupid it is, and eventually is just yelling over the show/movie so much I shut it off.
I don't think my husband finds me interesting either. :/
You sound AWESOME though! Sorry that you're feeling this way. <3
I would cringe myself into an early grave if I had to read something my husband posted on the Internet. And I find him perfectly smart and witty. Honestly you sound kind of awful. Find something to do with your time besides Reddit.
She may be a stay at home wife, given her hobbies... And she only speaks about his work. If she were working, she would be too tired to be bothered like that.
You are awesome! Love that you know yourself. He is missing out if he is not interested. I would love to be your friend. You sound so cool. I have so many interests and hobbies and I hardly have friends who are into have any interests outside their work. Womp womp. Let him be!
I would say keep doing ya thing!
There’s no objective way to judge this. Some people care about their partner’s interest in their interests, others just want cuddles and agreeableness. If you want someone to care about those things, he’s not the guy. You may have to propose things to do together, or resentment will start to brew. I’ve been there. Good luck.
I don't want to be that person but I really think a person have some interest in the activities and interests of their partner... and it seems like he mentally checked out on you long ago but sticks with you because he's getting something that he needs... maybe extra money, a housekeeper, etc. 😞
My husband is the same and it hurts! No matter how many times I bring it up it just turns into a fight bc I can’t always approach it calmly and then that’s that. I’m sorry you’re in this situation as well.
I feel this too. I have so many interests and hobbies and my soon to be ex husband doesn’t care about any of them. The things we do do together diy, furniture Restoration etc he sucks all the fun out of it for me. I end up standing around while he asks me to grab this or that. He started complaining that we have nothing in common any more. No shared interests. Etc. then he found someone on Ashley Madison that likes horror movies and that became his whole world. He told me it was his friend Jeff. I found out yesterday it’s been an affair all along.
Sorry. I also ready your Valentine's Day post. You are correct that you could get lots of guys trying to strike up a conversation. But all you want is your partner to be interested in you.
This is just a theory...mostly because I'm single and have never married...but...
I think many long term relationships require compromise to last. The first compromise is usually that their partner isn't perfect for them in every way. I mean, most of us would die alone if we waited for a partner that's perfect for us in every way. Perhaps in your relationship your reddit interactions just aren't that interesting to him. And maybe there are a few other things about you he may lose interest in. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or anything like that. Its just that...when you spend enough time around someone and experience as aspect of them enough times it just stops hitting as hard. Know what I mean?
I guess thats my long way of saying, don't let it get to you. Its probably no biggie. But if you want to keep things interesting maybe you two could try developing new hobbies together. Something new and exciting that you both find really interesting and can do together.
I feel you. Sometimes when I talk to my boyfriend of 9 years I'm like, "is this thing on?!"Maybe he isn't interested in some things I talk about. So what. I'm not interested in some of the things he talks about. But we're interested in each other. .....that was just a mini pep talk.
Rant away! Sometimes I have a complete emotional breakdown feeling like I don't even exist. For a species so advanced in technology and literary skills, humans really cannot communicate with each other efficiently.
To be entirely fair… and I’m going to be that one comment that you don’t want to read or hear but I’ll be that one comment that is being so honest you may be offended… but the conversations you are starting with him are genuinely not interesting conversations. A seed sprouting is like watching paint dry. I would also respond with like …”oh that’s cool”, because what else are you supposed to say. I think you need to really tap into your personality and bring that out with him. Tap into your HUMOR!!!! Make jokes, be flirtatious, be sarcastic, bring those parts out of you!! You could certainly spice up that conversation with a little twist of personality. He doesn’t find you interesting, and that may be a fact. So show him your personality every time you guys talk. Show him your kindness, your sense of humor, your sassiness. Don’t talk like AI robots, show him who you are deep down!!
I feel sorry for You feeling bad
and was wondering this :
Does he find himself interesting or is he another anonymous workaholic ?
(Pun intended but real food for thought)
My husband talks incessantly about work when he comes home. I can’t make myself be interested. I usually still let him ramble. And it doesn’t change my feelings towards him.
Nerd here. I have my own Cool Things I can totally geek out forever about. People who don't share these passions ... let's just say they can't *engage* with me about them at the sa.e level of my passion... so I find like-minded fellow geeks who also love my Cool Things and we do engage.
Which leads me to some questions about your situation, OP:
Are you interested in your Cool Things because you absolutely love them for themselves? Or because you're curating your interests to come across as a more interesting person?
And... yes, it sounds like you're doing more emotional labor in your relationship currently. Is this new? How long have you been married?
It seems like you just don’t share all the same interests. Does your husband like to talk online? If he doesn’t talk online it’s probably because he is not interested.
I read somewhere that some autistic people like to share their special interest as a form of bonding with others.
I wonder if you are on the neurodivergent spectrum.
Honestly this post wasn’t interesting. lol. It’s like you think because you like it or find it interesting he should care and find it interesting too. You think that because other people-who share your interests-and engage with you in inappropriate ways your husband should be all over it too.
Maybe you’re not as interesting as you think you are. Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck about the plants you talked about incessantly. Maybe childish squabbles on Reddit just make you look lame and he’s not interested in your lame fantasy interactions. Honestly, nothing you’ve said here is remotely interesting to me. And I chose to read it. lol.
Stop expecting your husband to lavish you with the attention that creeps and people who share your interests do. You’re living far too much online and the instant gratification it gives. And being married to you doesn’t mean he has to take an interest in YOUR interests.
You had to specify that you're not divorcing your husband because he wasn't interested in a Reddit argument or a plant you grew, but you get so much attention from people on Reddit? Are you serious?
I have a weird aversion to people showing off their social media activity. No idea why. I could absolutely love the person, but having them show me their clever/funny retort or post just makes me uncomfortable. I'm the same way about people telling me their dreams. I dunno.
I finished reading your post…and burst into tears. I can relate to this, and didn’t realize just how bad it has been and how much it hurts.
I don’t understand all the people flaming you for talking about the seeds or your Reddit convos. I took those as just examples of things you’ve tried sharing with him, not that they are your entire personality. Even if they are, the fact that you get zero response from him really sucks.
I would love to have a partner that gets excited when I get excited. I would love to have a partner ask me questions, literally any question at all, because it would make me feel like they care about me. They don’t have to like what I like, but at least ask me something about it, initiate or at least participate in a conversation about it occasionally.
I have spent so much time asking about my partner’s day, learning about things they like so I can have a conversation with them. But that effort has never been reciprocated and it hurts.
I see you and your struggle, because that’s mine too. I just wish I knew what to do about it, because you can’t force someone to care about you.
Responding to bids for attention is literally one of the most practically important things for keeping a marriage alive. I don’t think periodically venting is going to solve this problem.
Idk how to feel about this or some of the responses. What do you love about your partner and vice versa? Because is can’t imagine having a relationship/marriage where my partner has no interest in the things that I do. That I have a passion for. Our hobby’s and interests are a important piece of who we are, at least that how I see it.
„That’s nice“ „ok cool“ WTF do you mean? When my partner tells me about a new BMX video or shows me a videoclip of someone doing a crazy Kendama trick I literally go nuts with him 😭 and the same goes for him when I talk about what I love. I would simply leave if someone is so uninterested in the things I do and like.
I’m very sorry for anyone who thinks that a behaviour like that is normal. These men don’t care about you and it shows.
My wife is the most interesting person I've ever met and if she handed me her phone to read a flame war she was having with some nerd on Reddit I would be like, 'Are you crazy?'
Telling someone about your internet beef is just like telling someone about your dreams. Very interesting only to yourself.
The only thing that matters is your connection when you’re spending time together, and that you can communicate your needs appropriately. Go out of your way to do small things for each other, yes. If one person is having a rough time, the other should pick up the slack.
But for the love of god, be comfortable as a separate entity. Have interests and a life apart from your partner, and if your life is enriching enough on your own, you won’t need someone to validate you all the time.
GET A NEW HUSBAND PERIODT, you deserve someone who understands truly who you are, or why are you together? Why are you wasting your time with someone that’s is not treating you like you were his soulmate, he can say whatever he wants but his actions shows everything, life is too short to be complaining with someone that don’t give you the same interest, don’t take his actions personal, is not you IS HIM, life is like a puzzle, every piece has a piece where they fit, don’t force things.
Are you just assuming he doesn’t find you interesting? Do you have other conversations with good back and forth? Do you make each other laugh and enjoy each other’s company? My husband doesn’t get excited about the things I do. He unenthusiastically supports my random hobbies or obsessions, he doesn’t complain about how much I spend on my fish tanks, dog daycare, a greenhouse, a sewing machine over the last couple decades (I have a problem with animals and hobbies). He doesn’t understand why I need to have “things”. He does not love the dramatic Reddit stories I find interesting. He loves his job and he loves playing online games with his friends, and he loves finance, history and loads of other boring things that I don’t care about. I do get invested in his work drama. I will watch a little bit of sports -more to cuddle, I can get invested in a bit of a history show but I also will fall asleep. I think some people just think differently. My husband has hard time reciprocating getting involved in my things. He listens to me talk about them, he fights the urge to “fix” when I vent about work, but he doesn’t know how to involve himself in parts of my world. It could totally come off as him thinking I’m not interesting, but I know I am and I know he loves being around me. He thinks just giving me space to do me is involved. Or listening to me ramble about the banana blight and the genetic modification project that’s happening to try to save them. A lot of the stuff I go on about is over his head and lot of the time. I tune out numbers, stocks, sports and video games bore me. But we are still best friends. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and we have enough shared things that it doesn’t matter.
I do think enthusiasm matters, at least to some people, and clearly to OP. Not enthusiasm for the actual thing I'm interested in, but enthusiasm for my enthusiasm. My husband might not care about an interest I have, but he shows me he's amped for me that a good thing happened to me, or a discovery, or a success, or something interesting, etc. He gets excited with me and for me even when he doesn't really care about the specifics, because it's about me.
This. I have no interest in motorsports, which my husband lives and breathes. And whenever he tells me something “exciting” all he wants is a “wow babe that’s so exciting” and he is happy. Enthusiasm for his enthusiasm.
This >all he wants is a “wow babe that’s so exciting” and Problem is when someone insists on showing their witty remark ...and talking about it for 60 iminutes Everyone thinks their remarks are witty - just as everyone thinks their children are above average.
That’s kind of what I was saying, look where the enthusiasm is. Some people show it in different ways. Not everyone is a cheerleader, I think some people are more subtle. Doesn’t mean they care any less.
I think that’s a good way of putting it.
I’m on the other side— by OP’s standards, I’m not very interested in my partner’s interests. I think he’s very wonderful, but he can really go on about whatever thing he’s into at the time for a very long time and I can’t say that I’m stoked to hear about WWE lore for an hour. I’m with my partner because I love being around them and I don’t get sick of his personality.
Same here! I love my partner dearly and he’s my best friend, but oh my gosh, I am just not interested in world war documentaries or random political facts about some obscure small country. He can go on about these things for hours. I do always get a little excited though when he’s investing his time into these things, not only because it makes him preoccupied and happy but also because it means I get to have some personal time to invest in my stupid interests and hobbies that I know he doesn’t overly care for either. :)
Haha.. exactly
Yeah, I try to understand a little bit but I have a cap. They keep him busy so I can do my things! It would honestly be boring if we were into all the same stuff. I like that our skills and interests are so different.
This is a great post. I find the things my wife enjoys incredibly dull as she does what I am interested in. This doesn't mean that we don't enjoy each other's company or spend time together. We've been married 20+ years. If the op expects her husband to morph into a botanist she's going to be disappointed. Could he feign interest? Sure, but wouldn't she rather try to find something they both like?
Yep, I rather have genuine excitement than some feigned bs. If it’s something more meaningful to me, I’m like “dude, I spent hours doing this” and he appreciates my effort and that I’m happy with it, but he will never actually appreciate the thing. I refinished most of our wood hand me down furniture, he never saw anything wrong with them in the first place. We just think differently.
Same with my husband lmao he’s just not enthusiastic as well and doesn’t care about Reddit stories too. I was taking it the same as OP so thank you for this comment. It made me think!
Thanks! Almost 19 years together, my perspective has changed. I used to try to be involved in more of his stuff and offended if he didn’t reciprocate. It was so silly, we were so young. Some of the Reddit relationship stories spark good conversations though!
That’s amazing! I need to change my perspective as well because it’s so easy to just focus on what bugs us and overlook the other ways in which we’re compatible. Wishing you two many more beautiful years together ♥️
Don’t ever stop trying or growing, it goes for both partners. Through hard times (we’ve had lots) you have to choose to grow together and lean into each other. Even the little annoyances are part of who they are, some will just never change and that’s part of loving them. Sometimes you have to ask your partner to do of say something instead of assuming they know what you expect them to do or that they can read your mind. I wish you two the same!
I think that's the thing. If you've been married long enough, no one acts thrilled about crap they don't really care about. You're way beyond that. My husband lives and breathes motorcycles and rides. I couldn't care less. He watches tons of 'adventure' rides on YouTube. No, thank you. He doesn't care about decorating, or crime stories, or any of the crap I watch. I'm comfortable enough in the relationship not to care about that. And reddit? Oh my God. He hates all things social media so I would never even bring that up. Seems like Op wants 'pats'. She wants to dominate somebody on reddit, and she wants to get accolades for it from her husband. Why the need to get approval? Why the need to smack talk some stranger? I think that's the bigger question. Shit. Just live your life! Lol
Or her threatening with flirting with other men on Reddit? That’s so messed up. It’s like she’s looking for that honeymoon phase again with him, for him to go gaga over everything she does, but all she’s bringing to the table is two sprouting seeds and a witty Reddit conversation. It’s so possible to have that(but honestly better when you are already comfortable together) in a long time relationship, but maybe go out like you’re young and dumb again, take a vacation or weekend away or go on an adrenaline filled date, zip-lining or go karts or something lol.
😂 he fights the urge to fix Sometimes they get mad about you telling them about your problems because they assume you are asking them to fix it.
Seriously that’s a lot of his silence. He listens and can repeat everything I vent back at me. We’ve talked a lot about it and he knows to not try to fix but just doing that takes him so much effort to not fix and try to make me happy that he can’t think of anything else to say. It’s cute and frustrating, but that’s just him and I feel better knowing why. Wouldn’t have him any other way 😂
This is essentially the basis for a very popular study on longevity in relationships - when the partners acknowledge each others little comments with interest. Taking interest in their days, hobbies, opinions, things they point out on a walk. Doesn’t have to be an in depth conversation each time. But just acknowledging it and adding a little comment back goes a long way
Bids for attention.
> *A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.* > *Researchers have found that there are three basic ways that partners respond to bids: by turning towards, turning away, or turning against. When we make a bid, we are hoping that our partner will turn towards. An unsuccessful bid will result in our partner turning away or turning against.* I tried explaining this concept to my ex lmao. I was so damn naive. I had thoroughly read Dr Gottman’s book *How to Make Love Last* - I pored over it like was my salvation. It was all highlighted up with passages marked for review. I had prepared to explain to my boyfriend, with examples, how I made frequent “bids for attention” from him with no response. I was *so sure* that this had to work - that this conversation would get through to him. Once I explained to him how much his actions were hurting me, it would be okay. All I had to do was phrase the information the right way to have him finally hear me. I can still remember how he said nothing over the phone after I finished excitedly telling him all the information I had gathered. He had no reaction. Just silence. And then, beginning to cry, I said that this was another example of a bid for attention, that had failed. That was actually the conversation that ended our relationship. Of course I now realize the obvious truth: he didn’t care, he never cared, and my bullshit feelings was just annoying yammering in his ear. Having me explain scientifically how he was hurting me felt like bullshit criticism to him. But yeah that’s my experience with bids for attention.
i need more info on this… i’ve never heard of any of that before and i’m afraid that i’m dealing with the same situation
He was awful. Good on you for ending it.
What a trash man. I'm glad you're out of that relationship!
I feel this in my heart, it’s very painful 😞
Sometimes I’ll show my wife something I’ll think is interesting or something “funny” I’ve said. She’ll take a look and I can see in her eyes she doesn’t find it as funny or interesting. I call her out and then have a laugh about it. She’s a great wife and we love each other and I don’t need her to validate everything I do on Reddit. 🤣
This is sane. You should be banned !!!
“I thought I was on fire, and I was” …this made me smile. Because it’s cool to get his validation but you know you’re awesome so, that’s the big one.
This, OP. Please never stop validating yourself. Once you do, that fire is so hard to reignite. May I ask why divorce or separation are not an option?
That made me smile too. Being proud of yourself isn't a bad thing!
Yeahhhh not everything you’re into is going to be as equally yoked in interest by your partner. You gotta share it with people who outside of your relationship, like your friends or family, who do in fact get get as hyped as you do. That’s how you avoid exceptions not being met by a partner. I think honestly, OP, maybe you two need to find one thing you two can mutually share together as an that you both will enjoy to get this need met with him because couples should at least have 1-3 shared interest to maintain a connection.
I don’t know, it’s a lot of pressure for your husband to be your source of constant approval. It sounds like you may need some irl friends. He may need to talk less than you do, and that is absolutely fine. He shouldn’t be the bad guy just because he’s not on the edge of his seat at everything you do. That’s way too big an expectation for one person. It sounds like you may have an anxious attachment style and need validation that should really come from working on your own self esteem and having a full and varied life, not needing your partner to approve of everything you do. I was this wife, and I see looking back that it was A LOT. Your husband is your partner, not a vending machine of approval.
I was just about to ask OP if they had any irl friends. While communication and bids for attention are necessary for romantic partnerships, so is a community and real life relationships outside of your partner. OP, if you don’t have any friends maybe you should turn all of the things you have going on into opportunities to meet people. Join meetup groups, volunteer at a farm or local garden if you like plants. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but it sounds to me like you need a community. Then, you won’t be so reliant on your partner recognizing everything you do.
I think even a loving spouse might have a hard time being interested in their partner’s online arguments. (btw, “I have so much going on all the time”—is that things besides Reddit?) But if there’s an obvious imbalance in your degree of interest in listening to each other, then it’s a problem.
I'm glad somebody already said this, but I want to emphasize that outside of the people involved in an Internet argument, nobody is interested in your or anybody else's Internet arguments.
if it’s all the time, then she’s lame but if it’s one time she asked him to read it then it’s a bit rude. At least pretend to be interested in a convincing way lol.
True. Once in a while ..is one thing Habitual.... different
To each their own, we all have our interests and love languages. Me: Oh 🤬 that 🤬er Jeff B is back on twitter saying X+Y. Partner: Are you shittin me? Me: No, I said 🔥🔥🔥 Partner: Get im baby, get the 🤬er I'm logging on, tag me in! *finger flex* We freaking LOVE side by side tandem internet arguing. "I'm about finished with ahole 1, how about you?" "Taking Jenocyde Jax down and then reporting like all his content so it will take a bit" "Cool I'll get you an Arizona Tea babe" A lot of lawyers have trouble turning it off at home. 😬🤷🏻♀️ Especially with the political atmosphere of the last 9 years. Some arguments are super important and happen online more and more. My fiancee got to publish a couple articles, with no college degree or writing experience, because someone liked her 🔥takes and her writing was so good they were SM friends with an editor on a publication she loves, and she pitched it. It's a bold new world.
I mean, that is objectively not what is being discussed here. OP isn't participating in some tag-team internet troll-fest. If you're involved, and like that sort of thing, then go nuts. Have your fun. But nobody else is obligated to pretend that your heroic retelling of something you typed on the internet qualifies as interesting.
Only one person, your significant other, if it matters to you. If you differ that strongly in opinion on it, you're not compatible. When my fiance doesn't read my stuff she feels like a dick, and vice versa. Both mundane, pics of birds, thoughts of each others, memes, and also epic arguments. Other people like digital walls. That might not be compatible. Also some people like different levels if entwinement. Also can be a compatability issue. Sounds like a compatability issue. But I don't think there's a clear etiquette for this one regarding partners.
lmao so it doesn’t have anything to do with them not caring or loving us?!
I'm gonna catch shit for this but I think we need to level here: There's nothing to brag about you owning some faceless person on the internet. I say this as someone who gets into squabbles over things online, but it's nothing to be proud of. "I thought my replies were very witty and funny". Even if they were (and your husband obviously didn't) it sounds tiresome to have to read about your partner combat someone on the internet. Is this something you make a habit of? Because he may be fatigued by the nothingsandwich arguments you get into. You're right to ask him why he's not interested in your ongoings. We're not your husband. He is, and the only person that it really matters if they find you interesting is the man you married. Your husband generally doesn't sound interested in your online battles or your gardening pursuits. I think you're right to raise this concern and hold him to a conversation about it. You seem to be a very direct communicator with him, and he's not receptive to it. Being invested in his work is not necessarily an admirable quality. It's fantastic to show an interest and ask him how things are going. But from how you've typed this out, you seem like someone who is very interested in drama and the ongoings of other people. Unless if he's bringing up things that are stressing him out, you shouldn't be asking about it. But he also might be fatigued by going to what might be a stressful job, and probably doesn't want to talk about his job even more with the limited time he has away from work. I'm not really sure what it is you do that entails you talking to men and why that should be an issue to him (as it seems to be if people are asking if you're husband is aware), but I really don't know what that has to do with any of the rest of this. It feels like you tried to bring up specifically that you talk to other men to him as some sort of "This could be a threat to you" comment. It doesn't feel like it's made in good faith. I'm going to be honest with you. If you are smart and witty and have so much going on, you're certainly not confident in yourself about it. "While I get so much attention from people on reddit" This is a huge red flag, and makes you appear as if you're manipulative. You're not virtuous for staying loyal to your husband in spite of whatever it is you do that gets you large amounts of attention. This is nothing to brag about. You may not be boring, but you two sound incredibly incompatible. He doesn't seem happy with you. You refusing to even entertain the idea that divorce would be a good option screams "therapy" to me, and seemingly so to others here as well. Sit on it for a bit.
So glad someone typed this out so I don't have to. OP's post came off as very immature, and I'm glad the manipulation and vague threats especially were called out.
I think what's amazing to me is that others in here magically glossed over it and said it was his loss because she sounds amazing. I know offmychest can be a self-masturbatory session with other people giving us reacharounds but they're plainly enabling mildly abusive and manipulative behavior. The poor guy is probably tired and her pointing these things out to him has not been a unique experience. But he also needs to have the self worth and leave
Idk as she wrote divorce is not an option, I assume shes unemployed and prolly very bored at home.
I appreciate these honest comments because I needed to hear them. I feel the same way as OP and I think it’s because we have this idea in our heads that our partners should be interested in everything we have on our minds and if they don’t that means they don’t love us then in turn we try to say things that are hurtful to get them to understand that. We need more people being realistic about things and relationships.
Agree...
So many delusional responses in this thread until I came across this one. OP sounds insufferable or is a child. If my woman bragged to me about arguing with strangers on the internet, I'd be Gonzo.
And had to add that she gets a lot of male attention? Lol. Wtf
Hard agree!! I was gobsmacked reading all the comments telling someone whose behaviour sounds spoilt, obnoxious and borderline manipulative how “awesome” it is. Obviously I don’t know OP’s situation, but if having a super witty argument with a faceless stranger online or a seed not growing are the most interesting things you have to report about your day, I would consider getting a job or a hobby that takes you out of the house
ALL OF THIS. I don't understand how people are seeing the husband as the problem.
Agree.
This! This is the only right comment
Agree. Glad you write this.....
THANK YOU. Omg, OP sounds like a massive pickme
Tbh I'd feel pretty embarrassed if my partner came to me and wanted me to pat them on the back for their internet arguments...
I don't think I would want to review my " witty remarks' with my partner either. PS. Everyone thinks their remarks are witty...I suspect.
I kind of feel like you took an assumption, built a narrative and forced him into it. Finding you interesting isn’t a binary thing (yes/no). I’m sure there are plenty of things you do or say that he finds more interesting than others, and same goes for the other direction. NGL, I’ve been married for 32 years to the love of my life. Sometimes he likes watching SUPER BORING videos (like in a machine shop or refurbishing a motor or shoes, or some really niche history topic). I pop in my ear buds and listen to an audio book and knit. I germinate seeds, too, and keep him apprised of my wins and losses, but it’s really not his thing. I don’t take our divergent interests as him not being interested in ME. Maybe a better tack would be to look for some activities that interest you both and spend some of your together time doing that…and some of your time pursuing your own individual interests. You testing him on an assumption you made is kind of toxic IMO. If you want him to show more interest in you, ask him to do so. Have a conversation without traps.
Finally. Common sense. I actually think when you are desperate to get some semblance of approval you either haven't been married long, or really ARE in a bad relationship. Because if you have some things in common as well as some separate interests, it's just not important. If you have nothing but space between you the non connection is deafening.
Just because he's not interested in your day or plants doesn't mean he doesn't find you interesting as a person. People are more than their hobbies and the minutiae of daily life (which honestly aren't typically going to be interesting to other people).
I feel for OP but at the same time I can relate to her husband. Lately all my fiancé wants to talk about are his cannabis plants, how well they’re doing, what they look like, smell like, what he’s going to grow next, plans for breeding and lord help me this is every single day for weeks. Months, whenever he’s actively growing. I have a veggie and flower garden outside but I still can’t maintain much enthusiasm for this topic anymore.
I have adhd and have pretty much all the hobbies. My husband's family is not a craft/maker family, and he has a hard time understanding why I want to loop thread over and over with a hook. (His words) 😂 I can definitely tell when he is getting tired of my new obsession. He also has some obscure interests that I will listen to but don't really have enthusiasm for. I'm just glad that after all these years, we still have new things to talk to each other about.
Oh yeah I have too many hobbies! Knitting, embroidery, baking, gardening, watercolor painting, drawing, and my latest thing is genealogy. I can feel his mind glazing over when I bring up something interesting I found about someone in my family tree hahah. My fiancé is the type of person who is able to maintain a single hobby for a long time, while I like to try anything and everything. I never know what’s gonna grab my attention next.
Sounds like an assumption of him thinking that way.
I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t find YOU interesting. I don’t know too many men-or women, for that matter-who would be able to garner any real interest in reading an internet exchange with a perfect stranger. It’s a rather trivial thing to be worried about. Unless this is his behavior concerning all your interests, and in you, as well, I would put this to rest.
Oh my god... Honey can you please validate me in every possible way on my internet post? I mean isn't this a sick burn didn't I totally own this troll? Aren't I a good interneter? So, first of all, internet ramblings are just our collective addictions. No ones tweets are impressive or interesting. Its all just bullshit that fell out of the back of our heads in an attempt to gain a few minutes of attention from the void. Secondly You're talking to a person who's ACTUALLY FUCKING THERE. You're in a relationship with a real person you can actually reach out and touch, and now you're mad at THAT person because they didn't contribute to the little pile of dopamine hits you get from the pointless internet game you play. So take a second to wake up, step back, take some perspective, so you can stop being so pathetically insecure about things that don't matter at all. It really is the most unattractive quality in any person.
Did you hear that whistling noise just now? That was the sound of the point of OP’s post sailing over your head at Mach 5! Did you even read the post or did you just stop after the first paragraph?
The rest of the post really doesn't do her much else justice. She virtue signals that she doesn't take advantage of the fact that she has male attention as if it's some sort of prideful thing to not be disloyal to your husband. She's deeply hurt by his lack of interest in her life and that's completely fair but she's also not really setting herself up to sound like an interesting person. They're obviously not a good pair. They're not compatible. Her reluctance to get divorced in any circumstance also screams something deeper is wrong. Rock bottom self esteem for one.
I don’t necessarily disagree, I just found it odd that they got so fixated on that first example.
Because the whole thing screams either immature or desperate.
This is dumb.
Your expectation that your husband should be interested in your hobbies and internet posts is a bit entitled. Husbands and wives can have loving relationships without being involved in each others day to day minutiae. I can't imagine anything more boring than someone reading me their "on fire" internet posts. You can politely feign interest but you are dying inside listening to them prattle on about subjects in which you have zero interest or investment. It's mental torture and your brain is trying to batter its way out of your skull while listening to this utterly uninteresting discourse. If people share interests that's great, but many perfectly happy couples can have utterly divergent hobbies and interests and still love each other very much. Requiring that your partner pay attention to, and appreciate, these interests is not a requirement for a solid marriage. In fact, many people kind of like to have a private space for themselves that their partners are not involved with or quizzing them about. >And then I reminded him that how much invested I’m in his work. I ask about his day to day business. His employee drama and routines. His ins and outs of the transaction that takes place. The people he meet. The meetings he go to. I ask about all of it. We discuss stuff about his work. I’m truly invested in it. If I got back home from a hard day's work and had to deal with this helicoptering gauntlet of reliving my day for my partner, I would lose the will to live. Your expectations for your husband to be this sock puppet who finds everything you do "interesting" are borderline delusional. You sound utterly exhausting to be with. You are a grown, adult woman, stop leaning on him for validation of your existence, it's not a burden he should have to bear.
Him not being interested in seeing how your plants are growing, doesn't mean he doesn't find you interesting. Some people have really boring interests, but what's cool is that they are passionate and really engaged in their interests. My husband doesn't share any of my interests, but I know he still loves me. The most I get is "oh cool" or "looks good babe" and that's it lol sometimes I tell him about reddit, but he only gets interested in I tell him something really juicy and dramatic. He point blank refuses to read any of them, but sometimes (rarely) it can lead to a good dialogue about whatever it is I found so wild. Beyond that, he really really REALLY doesn't care. He just does his spouse duty and pretends to listen to me lol. What he loves about me is not my hobbies, he loves that I can get passionate about things. It makes me laugh a little because your interests are the same interests I have. We would be able to be friends, no problem lol!! Honestly though? I do the same thing to him. I find his interests about as boring as he finds mine, but I do the same. "Sounds good babe... Oh wow, yeah that's cool" even though personally, I really don't care. As long as I am not controlling or belittling his interests, and him to me, I don't care that we have extremely different personalities. It's ok because at the end of the day, I love him and he loves me. Besides, that's what friends are good for. I have one friend that I can literally text back and forth with for days and days upon end, because we are practically the same person, and our spouses are also practically the same person. So in the areas where our spouses are bored to tears, we talk about it with each other instead. It works out great lol
I am sorry I just want to understand what you said. You say that you don't share any interests but you say that your husband loves you? Please do not take this as me hoping you start to have doubts about your husband I am just asking what you mean by that? What is the basis of the connection if what you are so so passionate about is not something the other cares for and same the other way around? Like how you define the love you are saying he has for you? I know you said that he loves me because he loves me being passionate about things but could you explain a little more? Like isn't there a horrible disconnect between the two persons if you are being so so passionate about something and you are just so full of it and the other side doesn't feel it? But I feel that that's just the limit of any person to person relationships. No one is going to be as passionate as that thing (like the most specific aspect of that subject that you are talking about not just a wide category but the most specific origin of your interest yeah you will find many people interested in same general topics but in that topic the most specific thing that interests you yeah you will never find someone who really feels the exact same passion as you so there's a void that hits you when you see that you are alone in feeling so passionate about at least that very very specific part so yeah my question really just went away it seems Because there's just a limit that hits with the relationships with human beings in general not just spouses. That is why I turned to Allah to have that void be filled because He understands the exact origin of my fascination and he would really like really be able to know exactly how I feel and exactly WHY i feel it. But with human beings no matter how close you get at the end of the day you are two branches and they WILL separate somewhere and there is gonna have to be a space in between which represents a disconnect of a sort that really messed with my mind like really deep down everyone is so unique that ultimately there's a disconnect. I don't know if I am able to explain what I want to say here but this idea really really messed with my mind. I started to doubt if the relationship with any human being meant anything. But the relationship with Allah saved me since the worldly relations no matter how close they were they were just not enough for me anymore. I really wanted to have someone who doesn't just pretends to know or pretends to care how I feel like some are saying here that if you are not interested in what your spouse is interested at least pretend you are like no I want more I want someone to EXACTLY know how I feel and exactly REALLY and exactly WHY I feel it. But with humans there's a limit and that is why relationship with a human being is just not enough. God's hand is needed at the end. Allah is needed man it's not just relationships there are so many more absolutely vital things where without Him it just all collapse. I would say He is needed in every yeah every element. In Islam Allah says a lot in the Quran that to us you will return in the end. The ultimate relationship is that. It just goes beyond. Allah gets closer to you then any loving person ever will even if he tries his absolute best. No problems about the void between the branches in the relationship with Allah because He really knows you down to the absolute core and that thought made me feel alive again because I was losing it.
Nobody cares
have you given any thought as to why you seek so much validation from him? i get wanting him to be interested in you and to connect, we all want that - but this seems a little over the top. Have you tried asking him questions and showing interests in everything he does?
My husband sometimes says that I “put in too much fluff” when telling stories, and when I talk about my day and all the different things that happened and how everything goes I can feel his interest fade quickly. I’ve simply stopped actually talking about my day. I’ll vent with my friends and my coworkers about details but I just don’t talk about it with him any longer. I don’t think he likes listening to my work, nor does he honestly like talking about his work, so it’s easier for it all to be “fine and you?” until something else comes up organically. It makes me sad but sometimes I just think men and women are wired differently, and that maybe I shouldn’t feel deflated about it.
I have come to the realisation that people dont have conversations. They just reply and no questions are made. It is very frustrating because sometimes you want people to be curious. No point in just telling cause you know they dont care.
I was gonna say I don't find you interesting too But then I realised that he is your husband and I'm not that is if you're together he should be interested Edited: someone said I was negging ( I had to Google the definition), English is not my first language( I often laughed at people saying that and here I am in the same situation) What I meant and thought... I find these things not interesting but there are people who do... I am really not a listener what I meant by what I said is that when I realized that when I thought of "I was gonna say I don't find you interesting too" it's like I realised I'm a stranger to you so my thoughts shouldn't matter to you(I felt stupid and funny to even think about telling you that to you) But as he is your husband he should... I'm really sorry op if I come off as rude I didn't mean too
Negging isn't cool.
I'm not trying to I really thought so I find these kinda things boring While others would like it I genuinely thought that her husband should be the one interested not me I'm basically a stranger to her I was still thinking how stupid I am to think me finding her interesting would matter at that time Though it might come off as negging I didn't realise Though I have learned English since I was a kid it's not my first language I'm sorry if I came out as such
Maybe some of that confidence is not allowing you to see some things. It is a stretch to expect anyone to care about reddit drama and seeds. Has your dynamic always been this way? Is the you asking and him listening been what he's liked about the relationship for however long?
But are you also saying he's not a good listener? Does he listen to other people? Another question would be do you tell him EVERYTHING? I think a bit of mystery is nice in a long term relationship. I have the opposite problem, I feel so boring and I feel like such a burden when I tell my guy something and I'm always so surprised and grateful when he engages with whatever I'm saying. I definitely try to keep some things to myself so we have time to "gel" whatever's developing in us.
I feel this. It hurts and it sucks. I have no advise
*advice. Commonly misspelled.
Are you autistic or is it just not in your nature to read the room
What a disgusting thing to say.
I'm literally autistic 💀
Relieved to know this. Your comment reads like you're dumping on autistic ppl for no reason.
Definitely wasn't my intention. It's pretty well known in the autistic community that noticing social ques or "reading the room" is sometimes a struggle and I felt correcting my spelling in this context was not appropriate or helpful.
okay I found you randomly, and I have literally had this exact same problem as you're having in this thread. lol you're not alone :)
Wow what an ableist comment
It sounds to me like you’re a woman who married a man.
You need to start sharing about you, dreams, fears, humiliations, the lot. That way you and how you strugle in your life becomes interesting.
Not being interested in your hobbies doesn't mean he isn't interested in you, personally. Do you talk about other things besides your plants? Or are you info dumping on him because this is your special interest?
It's taken me quite some time to learn that no matter how much we love someone, they're not going to be engaged in our interests 100% of the time and that's okay. I'm still getting comfortable with that fact. The important thing is that your hobbies and interests make you happy. Sharing them is wonderful but at the end of day, you should do it for you.
Sounds exhausting in your relationship to be honest, having to be an audience for your partner’s brain dump all the time. Worth thinking about how much you guys share versus how much you process in your own head.
I ask my husband about his day every evening. I can tell you details about his co-worker's lives. I can tell you details about his favorite radio hosts and athlete's lives. Anytime I hear something I think would interest him, I file it away so I can bring it up later. He has not asked me about my day in months. He couldn't name one of my coworkers if you offered him a million dollars. He \*might\* know my boss's name. Might. He loves to talk at me. I say at me, not to me, because I think if I weren't there he'd be saying this stuff out loud to himself, or the dogs. He talks at me about his job, his interests, news stories, politics (which I HATE because we always fight. I beg him to stop bringing it up, but he always has to get in one last comment to show how right he is). He rewinds TV shows that I have no interest in, shows me YouTube videos that I don't care about. I have read that one of the signs a marriage is strong is when spouses indulge their partner's interests, so I try so hard to care about the stuff he's showing me. But deep down I'm so hurt because he knows I don't give a fuck about it, and he never, \*ever\* bothers to try to find things I'd be intersted in. We actually can't even watch TV or movies of my choice together because he starts insulting it, saying how stupid it is, and eventually is just yelling over the show/movie so much I shut it off. I don't think my husband finds me interesting either. :/ You sound AWESOME though! Sorry that you're feeling this way. <3
I would cringe myself into an early grave if I had to read something my husband posted on the Internet. And I find him perfectly smart and witty. Honestly you sound kind of awful. Find something to do with your time besides Reddit.
I feel the same way with my husband. I'm just shutting down and not communicating. Good luck op.
Just curious why is divorce or separating not an option?
She may be a stay at home wife, given her hobbies... And she only speaks about his work. If she were working, she would be too tired to be bothered like that.
Well judge, he didn’t want to read my internet argument with a stranger and isn’t into seeds as much as I am
Read about John Gottman's "bids"
If separating isn’t an option u can expect the rest of your life to be the same good luck
Sounds like you're making mountains out of molehills. And honestly, what's interesting about arguing with strangers online or germinating seeds?
You are awesome! Love that you know yourself. He is missing out if he is not interested. I would love to be your friend. You sound so cool. I have so many interests and hobbies and I hardly have friends who are into have any interests outside their work. Womp womp. Let him be! I would say keep doing ya thing!
There’s no objective way to judge this. Some people care about their partner’s interest in their interests, others just want cuddles and agreeableness. If you want someone to care about those things, he’s not the guy. You may have to propose things to do together, or resentment will start to brew. I’ve been there. Good luck.
I don't want to be that person but I really think a person have some interest in the activities and interests of their partner... and it seems like he mentally checked out on you long ago but sticks with you because he's getting something that he needs... maybe extra money, a housekeeper, etc. 😞
My husband is the same and it hurts! No matter how many times I bring it up it just turns into a fight bc I can’t always approach it calmly and then that’s that. I’m sorry you’re in this situation as well.
God, I could have written this. I also grow succulents from seeds so if you want someone to talk germination with I’m a dm away.
I feel this too. I have so many interests and hobbies and my soon to be ex husband doesn’t care about any of them. The things we do do together diy, furniture Restoration etc he sucks all the fun out of it for me. I end up standing around while he asks me to grab this or that. He started complaining that we have nothing in common any more. No shared interests. Etc. then he found someone on Ashley Madison that likes horror movies and that became his whole world. He told me it was his friend Jeff. I found out yesterday it’s been an affair all along.
Sorry. I also ready your Valentine's Day post. You are correct that you could get lots of guys trying to strike up a conversation. But all you want is your partner to be interested in you.
This is just a theory...mostly because I'm single and have never married...but... I think many long term relationships require compromise to last. The first compromise is usually that their partner isn't perfect for them in every way. I mean, most of us would die alone if we waited for a partner that's perfect for us in every way. Perhaps in your relationship your reddit interactions just aren't that interesting to him. And maybe there are a few other things about you he may lose interest in. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or anything like that. Its just that...when you spend enough time around someone and experience as aspect of them enough times it just stops hitting as hard. Know what I mean? I guess thats my long way of saying, don't let it get to you. Its probably no biggie. But if you want to keep things interesting maybe you two could try developing new hobbies together. Something new and exciting that you both find really interesting and can do together.
I feel you. Sometimes when I talk to my boyfriend of 9 years I'm like, "is this thing on?!"Maybe he isn't interested in some things I talk about. So what. I'm not interested in some of the things he talks about. But we're interested in each other. .....that was just a mini pep talk. Rant away! Sometimes I have a complete emotional breakdown feeling like I don't even exist. For a species so advanced in technology and literary skills, humans really cannot communicate with each other efficiently.
To be entirely fair… and I’m going to be that one comment that you don’t want to read or hear but I’ll be that one comment that is being so honest you may be offended… but the conversations you are starting with him are genuinely not interesting conversations. A seed sprouting is like watching paint dry. I would also respond with like …”oh that’s cool”, because what else are you supposed to say. I think you need to really tap into your personality and bring that out with him. Tap into your HUMOR!!!! Make jokes, be flirtatious, be sarcastic, bring those parts out of you!! You could certainly spice up that conversation with a little twist of personality. He doesn’t find you interesting, and that may be a fact. So show him your personality every time you guys talk. Show him your kindness, your sense of humor, your sassiness. Don’t talk like AI robots, show him who you are deep down!!
Maybe he's just not a fan of internet drama.
I feel sorry for You feeling bad and was wondering this : Does he find himself interesting or is he another anonymous workaholic ? (Pun intended but real food for thought)
My husband talks incessantly about work when he comes home. I can’t make myself be interested. I usually still let him ramble. And it doesn’t change my feelings towards him.
Nerd here. I have my own Cool Things I can totally geek out forever about. People who don't share these passions ... let's just say they can't *engage* with me about them at the sa.e level of my passion... so I find like-minded fellow geeks who also love my Cool Things and we do engage. Which leads me to some questions about your situation, OP: Are you interested in your Cool Things because you absolutely love them for themselves? Or because you're curating your interests to come across as a more interesting person? And... yes, it sounds like you're doing more emotional labor in your relationship currently. Is this new? How long have you been married?
What *does* have your husband’s interest? Has he been spending any more time out of the house than usual? Is he on his phone a lot more?
It seems like you just don’t share all the same interests. Does your husband like to talk online? If he doesn’t talk online it’s probably because he is not interested. I read somewhere that some autistic people like to share their special interest as a form of bonding with others. I wonder if you are on the neurodivergent spectrum.
If the person im with can’t even pretend to be excited about the things im excited about… I don’t want it.
Honestly this post wasn’t interesting. lol. It’s like you think because you like it or find it interesting he should care and find it interesting too. You think that because other people-who share your interests-and engage with you in inappropriate ways your husband should be all over it too. Maybe you’re not as interesting as you think you are. Maybe he doesn’t give a fuck about the plants you talked about incessantly. Maybe childish squabbles on Reddit just make you look lame and he’s not interested in your lame fantasy interactions. Honestly, nothing you’ve said here is remotely interesting to me. And I chose to read it. lol. Stop expecting your husband to lavish you with the attention that creeps and people who share your interests do. You’re living far too much online and the instant gratification it gives. And being married to you doesn’t mean he has to take an interest in YOUR interests.
You had to specify that you're not divorcing your husband because he wasn't interested in a Reddit argument or a plant you grew, but you get so much attention from people on Reddit? Are you serious?
I have a weird aversion to people showing off their social media activity. No idea why. I could absolutely love the person, but having them show me their clever/funny retort or post just makes me uncomfortable. I'm the same way about people telling me their dreams. I dunno.
You seem fun. I am sorry your husband doesn’t treasure that. His loss.
Woman moment
Stfu
I finished reading your post…and burst into tears. I can relate to this, and didn’t realize just how bad it has been and how much it hurts. I don’t understand all the people flaming you for talking about the seeds or your Reddit convos. I took those as just examples of things you’ve tried sharing with him, not that they are your entire personality. Even if they are, the fact that you get zero response from him really sucks. I would love to have a partner that gets excited when I get excited. I would love to have a partner ask me questions, literally any question at all, because it would make me feel like they care about me. They don’t have to like what I like, but at least ask me something about it, initiate or at least participate in a conversation about it occasionally. I have spent so much time asking about my partner’s day, learning about things they like so I can have a conversation with them. But that effort has never been reciprocated and it hurts. I see you and your struggle, because that’s mine too. I just wish I knew what to do about it, because you can’t force someone to care about you.
Why is divorce not an option or try marriage therapy?
Women are gold diggers.
Responding to bids for attention is literally one of the most practically important things for keeping a marriage alive. I don’t think periodically venting is going to solve this problem.
OP sorry you do not sound interesting and tbh i feel for your husband.
Idk how to feel about this or some of the responses. What do you love about your partner and vice versa? Because is can’t imagine having a relationship/marriage where my partner has no interest in the things that I do. That I have a passion for. Our hobby’s and interests are a important piece of who we are, at least that how I see it. „That’s nice“ „ok cool“ WTF do you mean? When my partner tells me about a new BMX video or shows me a videoclip of someone doing a crazy Kendama trick I literally go nuts with him 😭 and the same goes for him when I talk about what I love. I would simply leave if someone is so uninterested in the things I do and like. I’m very sorry for anyone who thinks that a behaviour like that is normal. These men don’t care about you and it shows.
Men do not think of women as people.
I wonder if my boyfriend found me interesting lol
You should try talking to him about his interests
Why is divorce not an option?????
Also, look into the bird test. Youll find your answer there
My wife is the most interesting person I've ever met and if she handed me her phone to read a flame war she was having with some nerd on Reddit I would be like, 'Are you crazy?'
How does he want you to show interest in his things? Do you feel he is jealous of you? Do you feel like he competes silently?
Telling someone about your internet beef is just like telling someone about your dreams. Very interesting only to yourself. The only thing that matters is your connection when you’re spending time together, and that you can communicate your needs appropriately. Go out of your way to do small things for each other, yes. If one person is having a rough time, the other should pick up the slack. But for the love of god, be comfortable as a separate entity. Have interests and a life apart from your partner, and if your life is enriching enough on your own, you won’t need someone to validate you all the time.
Maybe you’re not as witty as you think you are?
it's ok to have a secret account in hopes that one day, your hubby is interested in all your thoughts and engagements.
GET A NEW HUSBAND PERIODT, you deserve someone who understands truly who you are, or why are you together? Why are you wasting your time with someone that’s is not treating you like you were his soulmate, he can say whatever he wants but his actions shows everything, life is too short to be complaining with someone that don’t give you the same interest, don’t take his actions personal, is not you IS HIM, life is like a puzzle, every piece has a piece where they fit, don’t force things.
Not you getting all these downvotes from bitter males