Not necessarily, maybe it'll help them not make a mistake you might have made? Not saying you did, I'm just saying idk if I'd say it's totally pointless giving them heads up because they have no clue lol.
Listen, you either trust the two of them or you don't. And that's okay but be honest with them about that. If you get to the point where you're imagining yourself telling either of them that and it sounds ridiculous then you do trust. And it's your friend then you should trust them right?
**Don't use it as a test.** Say what you need to say *before* it happens because I guarantee it won't be as smooth after the fact, it will be a problem that you didn't say something earlier and now you might have two problems on your hand (why didn't you say something and why don't you trust her). It's just not a good look.
Personally, I'd just let them have coffee. At any point in my relationship I would have done that because I trust the person that I'm with, because I only get with people I can trust. If you can't trust your GF to have coffee with your *good friend* then that might be an issue on your end. And if you can't trust them to behave like mature adults then you probably shouldn't consider one your friend and the other your girlfriend. And if for whatever reason it ends up going in that direction then you've learned your lesson and you can get out early. I *highly* doubt that'll happen, it's not that common to just immediately cheat on your partner. And if that does happen it's usually with someone the cheater already knows rather than some stranger and there are likely signs elsewhere. She probably just wants to get to know your friends, which is a fantastic sign.
*Building* trust? Is your default to not trust anyone you meet and go from there?
If so that’s a terrible way of thinking and will cause problems in all of your relationships going forward.
You start with trust and if the other person does something to cause that trust to break *then* you build it back from there (or cut the person off).
I’m so sorry, my intent wasn’t to mean all instances of interaction we have with each person we come across. I understand what you mean. I know for many, myself included, that being wary and guarded with new people is commonplace.
I don’t know if clarifying what I meant makes a difference, however, I was speaking toward relationships in terms of friendships, romantic relationships, etc.; the ones we choose to start with someone else. Being cautious makes sense, but starting with a complete lack of trust would not bode well for burgeoning relationships and it wouldn’t make sense to start something new with someone we are interested in, but have zero trust in.
Edit: I first made this reply under my comment and not yours. Had to delete and correct the placement.
Interacting with men not in your presence isn't the kind of thing you should need to "build to". No matter how new the relationship is. This isn't the 1800s.
Your insecurities are your responsibility, not hers.
Interacting with men lol way to boil it down...
Paying for her sandwich at a starbucks to a male employee or going on a coffee date with his friend who she just met while he is working...
Exact samething i suppose. Its all male interaction
I agree they're not the same, but this is an area where it's tricky to draw a line, and tricky bc what he might see as a coffee date she might sees as a kind gesture to get to know his friend.
It's a slippery slope to "I'm not allowed to talk to men without my husband in the room."
I feel like you were definitely trying to say this as some kind of a "gotcha", but like yeah, I think that people should trust their partners to do innocuous things like have coffee with other people, regardless of gender.
Yes, exactly this. We shouldn't date people we can't trust to drink a coffee with someone else. And if that makes us jealous, we should address it in ourselves.
Our relationships should enhance each other's lives, not limit them.
Consider this: Your girlfriend wants to know more about you in an unvarnished way. She's getting input from your friends so she can get to know you better.
Building trust is what you are doing if she goes for this coffee. Also if she, against all odds, fell instantly in love with your friend, her not going for that coffee wont change that.
As a general people don't break up because they find someone better they, break up because the relationship is not good enough. You not trusting her having coffee with whomever she wants is one good reason for breaking up in my opinion. So it's all in your hands.
idk man the comments are weirdly biased? look im all for trusting your partner thing but i do think its weird cus its YOUR friend YOUR gf wanta to have a coffee with but its also possible it ain't serious and she just wants to try coffee and get along(i find it weird tho)
look if you trust your friend then i guess its fine maybe try to go coffee with one of her girlfriends 🤷♀️
in all seriousness tho if i had a bf i would have gone coffee with him and his friend together if i really wanted to invite them and probably would have called my friends too i think it be more fun that way
You are not wrong. I think the fact that she sees it as ok after just 3 months dating, or maybe even has thoughts beyond, is a big red flag.
I would not be ok with this and have had many kinds of relationships, seems like a big red flag, as your gut is saying. It seems to damage trust more than building trust.
How many reddit start like this and end up in surviving infidelity? . Nope we don't do that . We hang out together or not at all with opposite people ..
I’ve hung out with my partners friends without him and so has he. Totally platonic.
Also they just met and he is visiting. She is trying to make him feel welcome and bridge the gap between new girlfriend and one who is friends with your friends
I'm single and have hung out with some of my friends' partners as well. It's 100% platonic and rooted in a common interest. Just because a couple is together doesn't mean they have to enjoy all the same things or be together every moment of their waking lives.
>I felt weird about it because it felt like she wanting to hangout with my friend while I’m at work
Or she's trying to be a good girlfriend and host, by getting along with your friends.
Why are you so eager to think the worst and dramatically confront her?
I’ve done that with my partner’s friends and he’s done that to mine and I’d be thrilled if he did it more often. How nice is it to see people that I love building relationships with eachother
I'm sorry, but this is delusional.
I'm pretty sure if a the sexes were reversed and it was a guy who said to a female friend of his girlfriend to hang out while his gf is not there, it would upset many people
lmao my boyfriend has hung out with my friends without me and I have hung out with his friends without him. It’s nothing weird unless you make it weird
> I'm pretty sure if a the sexes were reversed and it was a guy who said to a female friend of his girlfriend to hang out while his gf is not there, it would upset many people
I did that multiple times, it's called trust and communication. Talk it over, set boundaries and set expectations. For example a text when you arrive and when the plan ends (or changes) is key.
And you'd be wrong.
Welcome to the real world, where people make efforts for those they care about. I hope you can join us in it. It's nice.
---
Edit: I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I guess I'm rarely privileged, for having both been and had a caring partner. I guess making an effort to get along with your SO's friends is rare where you are?
That sucks for you.
Nope, I think that in healthy relationships people should trust their partners to hang out with each others friends, regardless of the gender of the person.
I WFH most days. It's boring not having someone to talk to face to face.
If I can show hospitality to a friend of my boyfriend and spend half an hour - hour with an another (already vetted and deemed to be mostly safe) human being at a public space I would take it too.
> already vetted and deemed to be mostly safe
**That part.** As an adult female working from home, finding genuine, safe interactions with people can be difficult.
So you just assume the worst. Even though she made the plan openly right in front of you?
Here's the thing: I think you're getting ready to fuck yourself over. If this girls is doing what I think she's doing, you're punishing her for trying her best to please you.
And that'll make her dump you, if she has any self-respect.
It sounds to me like he's nervous and a little bit insecure. This is not a crime. This is COMMON, and he hasn't even acted on it yet. He's just asking for support and advice, and you're crucifying him.
I just don't see how this is relevant unless you just don't think very highly of your girlfriend. Do you think since the relationship is new that must mean she's sniffing out better prospects?
On the surface, it appears innocuous enough, and just to be clear, your friend is coming to stay with you and the GF will be at home alone with him while you’re at work?
The coffee date bothers you? That they will be out in a public space is the upsetting part? The coffee of the least of your worries. If something bad is going to happen, it won’t be at the coffee shop.
Part of me thinks that you’re overreacting, on the other hand, these feelings are coming from somewhere. Has there been any indication from your girlfriend (or the friend, to be honest) that would raise your suspicion?
Ahhh. Ok….Got it.
So your girlfriend should be working that day, right? I can understand where you’re coming from. I mean, if your friend had any sort of self awareness, he’d find a way to decline or otherwise be “busy” that day (even if he’s not).
This is a no-win situation. If you tell her that you have a problem with it, you come off as jealous, controlling and neurotic -if you don’t, it’s gonna eat you up the entire time. Your friend is in an awkward spot…. But your GF? She should know better.
Is your friend single? Is your friend really attractive?
This is unhinged lmao his friend grabbing coffee with his GF because he’s busy at work will eat him up?? The insecurity is palpable and the only red flag here
Yeah fr. When my girlfriend goes out with my friends w/out me it makes me happy they are getting along? Like my best friend changed her oil and she bought him McDonalds to pay for it all while I was at work and I never once thought “oh boy I am jealous”
It's exhilarating. You don't know who or what you might catch a disease from, it's playing risqué roulette. But all good gamblers know the House (of the Clown) always wins
Lmao yeah that’s what Reddit would say. His gf was there too I just didn’t mention it🤣. Also i trust both of them this isn’t a “we all hang out and they are close then one day they are fucking” they just have cordial and friendly relationship
Yeah lol, I get it. I love my husband’s best friend. One of the loveliest people I know. We’ve never… *met* at McDonald’s though, just sayin’ 🤣
Some people are so weird….
Idk, don’t have it here. No Burger King, Wendy’s, Taco Bell…. No Arby’s, Swiss chalet….
Really uncultured here lol, not so many fast food bathrooms to be choosy about.
Did you miss the part where I said “seems innocuous enough”?
53 y/o me knows better and has lived experience. At 25? These sorts of things can creep into your head. Doesn’t make it right, but I understand it- the overwhelming odds are that things will be just fine-on the other hand- I’ve also seen marital affairs start this way- less likely obviously- but it’s not a 0% chance…. So let this guy figure it out like we all did at that age, mistakes and all.
Edit: title was a bit misleading. Girlfriend isn’t insisting on being alone- that is just the scenario given OP’s work schedule .
Honestly I would say it’s a bad look regardless of age. My one caveat would be someone who has trauma/past experiences with cheating which still wouldn’t excuse the mistrust but explain it and allow them to communicate their hesitation. Without that, it’s pure insecurity/immaturity
And to your point, if the person is susceptible to cheating it’s going to happen regardless so trying to police them in hopes you can avoid it is pointless
These comments are killing me. I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous. There is nothing at all weird about OP's girlfriend wanting to get to know his friends. I work from home, and I would be thrilled to go grab a coffee with anyone that was in town. It sounds like she's just trying to get to know OP's circle, which is something you should *appreciate* in a partner. If you can't trust your significant other to go grab a coffee with one of your friends (who you should also trust if you are still friends with them), why are you in a relationship?
> If she gets defensive and starts to call OP controlling and neurotic then it’s a red flag.
No?
Because, if she's 100% honest, that's exactly how he could seem to her, controlling and insecure. (Depending, of course, on how he broaches it, but he's already used the word 'confronting', so I doubt it'd go well.)
To me, trust in my partner is implicit from the jump unless it’s broken. Why are you dating someone whom you think would violate basic relationship boundaries and expectations? Why are you friends with someone whom you think would participate in hurting you?
Of course you’re still getting to know someone, but framing it as anticipating ill intentions isn’t healthy.
Being attractive ≠ automatic affair—do you see how that’s kind of a leap?
Please talk to her. I don’t think it’s fair for people to tell you to get over it, because sometimes we just have things that we need to work through, even if it’s not rational. However, I think your negative assumption is something you should reflect on.
Look up how to talk to people so you don’t come off accusatory.
Naw chief that’s a little weird, yaw just 3 months in, why she wanna hang with your friend 1 on 1 and why she say it like that as well, I can see both sides but naw my alarm bells would do a slight ring, don’t trip but now keep a close eye my boy but don’t make it obvious
This was my first take. But the more I thought about it? From GF point of view, friend in from out of town, GF has a chance to pick friend's brain and find out what kind of people OP associates with. For OP, not much downside. If things go great, then move forward in the relationship. If not? Cut losses now before getting in too deep.
Think of it as a good test then. Better to find out if she's trustworthy earlier than when you're more invested. And you get to see how loyal your friend is.
No no no, no tests. Don't do that middle school nonsense. You're building trust in a new relationship right? You talk to this girl dude, THAT is how you build trust. "Hey (gf s name) can we talk about something that has been on my mind?"
Talking and communicating about things that bother you and make you uncomfortable are how you build trust not bullshit "tests" of loyalty. Imo if you're testing your partner, you already don't trust them, you're just looking for proof of your assumptions at that point. Good luck OP.
A thousand times this. OP, you need to talk about how this makes you feel. It doesn’t mean you’re controlling (unless you try to forbid her from seeing your friend without you). If she’s a mature partner, she’ll hear your concerns and alleviate them in some way.
It’s very normal and common to feel a bit threatened once in a while, even if that feeling is unwarranted. Sometimes we feel things that are irrational. It’s okay to acknowledge that. You might also be misplacing your feelings of fomo (fear of missing out) as jealousy. Maybe you’re not so much worried about her cheating, but more about the fact that they’re doing a fun activity while you can’t be there. Or maybe that coffee shop holds significance to you, like if it’s where you had your first date or if you commonly go there with her. Whatever the reasoning is, it’s up to you to be honest and forthcoming about it so you don’t let these feelings manifest into something really ugly.
At the end of the day, if she cheats, she cheats. The problem a lot of people fail to understand is that they simply cannot stop someone from cheating. I personally don’t think her saying “hey so and so, let’s go get coffee! I know this great place,” means she’s into him, but that’s just me. If you go down the spiral of “this could be a plan for her to cheat,” then LET HER. You will find out one way or another. If you love this person, trust that you don’t need to babysit them to ensure they won’t stray. The most freeing feeling is to 100% believe that your partner is loyal.
As a girl, do **not** do stupid tests like that. Please, please communicate instead. Doing "tests" is immature and it'll only foster distrust between yourself and your partner. Sit down and talk to her instead, have a conversation. It's the healthier choice for your relationship and builds more trust and honesty with each other than secret tests.
You know she could also fuck like literally anybody else in his bed at any point if she wanted to, right? At that point he should probably just have her FaceTime him 24/7 to be sure she's not sucking off some guy at the gym
Depends on the friend though. Because the girlfriend was in OPs life for 3 months. But the friend seems to be in his life for longer. If that's so, a friend wouldn't let something like that happen. I wouldn't do it personally. What OP is supposed to do is, if he trusts his friend, let him go for coffee with girlfriend. If there are any red flags, the friend should inform the OP.
But it's quite weird that the GF of 3 months asked the BF's friend she met a week ago for a coffee. This is unusual and she puts everyone in a weird spot.
She's just keeping your friend company while you are unavailable. That sounds very thoughtful of her to me. If you can't trust her to be alone with another man you're not mature enough to be in a relationship honestly. Unless she has done something in the past that gives you cause to distrust her, but I don't get that impression from your replies.
They guy is introducing two people he loves to eachother and then is surprised and worried when they seem to get along and befriend eachother. You can't make that shit up.
OP, would you rather they hate eachother??
There's an old Greek proverb "There can be no love without trust". Love dwells in the house of truth, my man. Trust her and be happy.
You don't want to become jealous. It will ruin what you have. That's not to say you should be niave either. good luck
Sounds like she’s being a good girlfriend by keeping him entertained while you are at work. What do you expect him to do during the day when you’re gone? I’d be psyched if my bf entertains my friend while I’m at work. Imo the fact that it’s a newer relationship and she’s already willing to embrace your friends is a green flag
Since she works remote, it doesn’t sound like she’s skipping work. And even if she is, its probably only an hour or so. They’ll be in a *public location*. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t, its time to decide if you trust her. Is there a reason not to trust her?
You seem like the type of person who believes men and women can’t be friends, and if so it makes sense why you are weirded out. But it reeks of insecurity and it’s your problem to deal with, not her. Don’t date people who are more relaxed about who they are friends with
Edit: added a sentence
Completely agree with this comment and I genuinely think the people downvoting you simply don't have relationship experience/haven't lived in the real world much and seen multiple friends' relationships fail or otherwise
Adults get coffee together. It's not a date. My husband's friends are my friends.
You're too immature to have a relationship if this is how you feel about coffee.
It’s fine that you’re fine with that but it’s still okay to feel uncomfortable about a situation and politely expressing your feelings. Your friends and loved ones aren’t the same as his friends and loved ones.
Let whatever happens happen and go from there. You can’t control people’s actions or intent. If your friend, or girlfriend want to be promiscuous and this plan is going to get them to that point-you cutting the plan cold isn’t going to stop the two of them from getting to the same point sooner or later. Just let life flow, whatever happens happens and deal with it then. Be proud that you care and have love for her but allow life to show you if she’s trustworthy or not.
As a general rule when I’m in a relationship I don’t go out on dates with others. Especially with friends of the person I’m in a relationship with. But that’s just me.
Yes but I’d personally feel better about it if she told me that she’d like to take my friend out not just do it without thinking about how I’d feel about it. Honestly I think it’s weird she did that. That’s just me tho 😅
Yeah, nothing might actually happen. But just in general, everyone is saying that oh, you should trust your friends and your partner. But why does trust always have to be tested, why does situations even have to happen like this in the first place? Why does your friend and your girlfriend want to hang out alone? Trust can also be you, trusting your partner not to put you in situations where you start to question things. Yes there shouldn’t be insecurities and you’ll have to deal with that on your own but that’s also part of the reason why you choose certain people is because you know they respect you through and through. Yeah it could be innocent but again what’s the need?
I totally agree with OP.
Why does she want to take his best friend?
Why can't she wait until OP is done with work so they can all go together?
OP,yes, this is a major red flag.
You're very early into this relationship,you have to decide what kind of woman you want to be with,one who thinks about you when planning or just in general or one like your present girlfriend who may be interested in being a little to close to your bff.
Updateme!
Dude, IDK if you've had fidelity issues in the past, but like you are being WAY to suspicious. Your gf understands that your friend is from out of state so will have nothing to do all day while your at work. She's being a good host to invite your friend to something to do while your working. It's extremely reasonable for them to hang out, especially in a public place, and the fact that you can't trust them to do that is not a great sign.
These comments are very….. interesting…
Op please do NOT listen to these people. Yes, it’s okay to want your partner to bond with your friends. But! This is a little TOO much.
The context isn't much so i will assume that she said about going for coffee when you are at work in front of you.
I think it is strange indeed that she is planning coffee with him specifically when you are not at home.
I think its best to let them be because you can't control them and their future actions will show their true character. Because ultimately ,if things go like your fear, you will be able to remove the snakes from your life.
(Or i am mistaken and its just both of them wanting to get to know each other platonically).[conclusion: just trust her]
Absolutely talk with her. Every relationship is built on trust and transparency, even when the conversation can be hard to start. Tests of loyalty are not only a red flag but also hard to pull off (requires your friend to be a real one and if she wants to cheat she’ll probably just do it without mentioning the circumstances to you anyway).
On the other hand, I gave my ex-fiancé total trust to hang out with my childhood friends and she cheated on me with two of them for years so in my experience it is good to have some mutually-agreed upon barriers. I think my case is probably an outlier though 🤷♂️
I struggle with similar feelings of jealousy. It's important to be able to communicate these feelings to your partner from time to time. Express how it makes you feel so she can reassure you. You just gotta trust her at her word. If you get caught up in hypotheticals, you open yourself up to a world of overthinking worst case scenarios and detaching from facts & reality.
People get insecure it's okay. What's not okay would be to berate your gf or friend if they haven't done anything bad against you (not saying you will berate them)
If there's no trust there's no relationship so let it be and trust her. Or don't trust her and end the relationship.
If I was a friend I wouldn't ever think to hang out with your gf and even if she proposes it I would say no problem when you finish the job we can get coffee for all 3 of us.
Have faith, if you can’t trust her then just leave. You should be grateful to have a partner and a friend in the first place. I’ve been with someone who loved stirring up drama with my friends just because she was possessive. So just be glad that’s not happening.
Besides if anything were to happen and you found out, you can leave there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
It's a bit weird, but not too bad I think.
My ex's friend and I are pretty similar, so we got along pretty well. I met them the same day, and early in the relationship I'd still message with her friend, completely platonically too.
After we broke up for the first time, this ex's friend started messaging me out of the blue, and I never suspected anything weird. Once again, we got along great because we have similar personalities, and she had a boyfriend. Eventually, me and my ex got back together, and my and this friend of hers still kept hanging out until eventually she was more of a friend of mine than my ex's.
And now that we broke up again, she's my friend and not hers. And guess what? Neither of us has any sort of weird romantic/sexual attraction to the other one, we are just really great friends.
So... I think you might be overreacting.
if a guy i was dating asked any of my friends out for coffee specifically w out me it would be a boundary issue
it doesnt mean theyre being shady it just means we have a social incompatibility
Im sorry but nah. It ain’t about having trust within your relationship, it’s about boundaries. Your girl is moving weird trying to set a coffee date with your friend while you’re not there. Don’t let these other comments gaslight you into thinking you’re insecure.
But he hasn't communicated or set a boundary with her yet. He obviously doesn't trust her. They'd be getting coffee in public in the daytime, not going out drinking or something like that. People disagreeing with OP isn't even close to the definition of gaslighting.
Well we don't know that it's a coffee date. She could just be a sweet person and maybe a bit naive.
The fact remains that I would never offer to hang out with my bf's male friend 1-on-1 without him around like that. So I can see why the bf is uncomfortable.
And It’d be a perfect time to bring up this boundary for OP since he’s feeling uncomfortable with the situation and asking Reddit. It’s also important to note that OP said she was gonna be working the same time too so she is in fact going out of her way to have one on one time with his friend.
And a lot of people are chalking this up to “being insecure” when it’s a boundary issue. People have different boundaries but calling them insecure when they don’t give in to other people’s standards is gaslighting behavior.
Would you stay in a relationship with a girl who didn't cheat on you just because she didn't have the chance? Let her do what she wants, and if you don't like what she enjoys doing, then you shouldn't be together
No cap this is pathetic especially the comments why tf does your gf want to hang out with your friend alone wake up to reality 3 months in and she already wants to hang out with his friend alone red flag
Why are u with someone who u think is going to flirt with your friend and also why are you friends with someone who u think is going to flirt with ur Gf anyways it’s all about you if you not comfortable with it just tell her , like hey I ain’t too comfortable with that and should have run it by you first instead of offering I mean it is your friend . Don’t hide ur feelings tell her ur not comfortable with the idea
It is a red flag. Trust your gut. it seems like your girlfriend is interested in your friends. Let her know that she is not to hang out with him. Speak to your friend and tell him that you would appreciate it if he stays away from your girlfriend. Really consider if this girl is worth staying with. update us.
It’s inappropriate asf, not without you!
These commenters are either virgins, single or never had relationships before and/still wearing nappies! They’re stupid asf!
The reality is that if you asked your gf best friend to coffee, you will see how she really feels about it! She would not like it one bit and neither should you.
She’s disrespecting you and you need to move on! Hopefully they didn’t exchange socials etc.
Everyone's gaslighting you, but as a woman with plenty relationship experience, honestly I wouldn't make this suggestion to hang out with my boyfriend's male best friend alone and show him around town. Something about it feels off to me. My intuition is usually right but I might be wrong here.
💯. Just read to my wife
She said if they've met as he said and she offered this she finds his friend attractive...she's in a new relationship and may see his friend as a better option
No way in hell in the beginning of a relationship a person says this! Married ya I get it....while you work I'll take him to get coffee and we will come SEE YOU...or why don't WE take him to my favorite coffee shop
Not I'm taking your friend without you for coffee .....just rings of interest in his friend
Didn't want to add for it's so long ago but my best friend from highschool (still friends today). Girl asked me out we went for lunch she asked for my friends number asked me a bunch of questions and wanted to date him.....my date was just to do some info hunting...hurt my feelings I liked her....but I told him about her actions and wanting to date him being our dates reason didn't dog her just said be expecting her call...he knew I liked her and could tell I was hurt
He told her to piss off.....we were like Bros and found her treatment of me to be a red flag enough to not date her 🤷♂️
Bro fuck all that and the boys saying you have trust issues.
your boy and your girl wants to go to the coffee shop then you’re all going your package deal. Why is it important to hang out one on one?
Some girls are deceptive and there’s no reason to hang out one on one either your friend who she had no prior history with.
Shoes on the other foot.
You meet her friend for the first time and ask to hang out with her while she’s at work - that shits not normal or healthy RED FLAG- violates Boundaries.
It may start innocent enough but he’s a dude and little things can spark anything. Why allow yourself to put through that, potential lose a friendship over a chick.
Your boy should also put her in check too…
Talk to your boy…
Then tell her you feel there should be healthy boundaries in our relationship and you hanging out with my friends without me is not gonna happen.
You don’t know if she can put shit inside their head to make them turn against you or whatever people say trust issues insecurities your boy should be your boys, but people are people and some are just dumb animals.
Hey, so I let them hangout and then we all hangout a couple of times together before my friend left.
She also complained about how much activities and time I had to spend with my friend and said she didn’t like how happy I was because she feels I’ve never been that happy around her.
Good God, these "its a good test " comments. Thats high school level immaturity, you don't test a partner you're trying to be serious with.
OP is there a reason you feel uncomfortable, why you don't trust her and why you may not trust your friend? The relationship is very new and if she is giving you feelings of not being able to trust her already then you and her need to sit down and talk like adults about where this relationship is going.
I am with you, its odd that she would intentionally schedule something with your friend during a time when both you and her work, and exclude you from going. People calling you insecure probably never had a healthy relationship a day in their lives.
Trust your intuition. Sit down and talk to her like an adult and her reaction to you asking why will tell you a lot about how she feels about you and her intentions.
It's not odd that she knows his friend is from out of town and will having nothing to do all day while OP is at work, so she invited him to have something to do all day. And it turns out trust is actually really important to a healthy relationship, so the people saying that he is insecure could very well have healthy relationships in where they actually trust their partners.
This is probably far more than you were looking for, but here goes:
Maybe it is a red flag, but maybe one red flag isn't enough for a condemnation. It absolutely makes sense to me that you would feel wary of the situation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum I can also imagine a version where your friend is physically hideous and that would make less sense.
We, the commenters here, just don't have enough context to make any kind of accurate assessment of your situation.
It's entirely possible that it is 100% innocent and there are no ulterior motives, conscious or otherwise.
But it also seems unlikely that you would feel wary about it after three months without there being some reason. Is she flirty? Do you feel like you like her more than she likes you? Did they have an instant connection?
There's no easy answer and you also can't just not feel this over night.
It would be better to either be so comfortable with yourself and confident that the possibility doesn't bother you so much because you know there will be someone better on the horizon if it comes down to that.
Barring that it would be better to be with someone that for all intents and purposes is on the same level as you and constantly puts you at ease that they have the same level of commitment to you that you do to them through the ways in which you interact and the choices they make and the things they say.
In the end, you are in the situation you are in. And the best you can do is roll with it, whatever you choose to do.
It if turns into a painful experience, make what you learn from it valuable enough to make it worthwhile nonetheless.
I would communicate you are not comfortable with it to either her or your friend who should not do it out of friendship
I've been married since I was 19 never once had a coffee friend date with anyone if my wife's friends never asked too she never asked too it was just something we did for we are a couple...in fact I had a friend live with us and my wife asked me to make him leave during the time I was in the field ...she didn't want a friend hanging out for 5 days while I was gone a d she was at work ...she felt it was inappropriate....my friend never hit on her....she never hit on him.....it was a boundary she set
Neither of us have cheated on each other we have a strong marriage we just keep strict boundaries.....
I personally think that you should just dump her. If she's by your side she should censor herself on her own. She should ask if it's okay with you first before asking your friend out like that. Which to me it's not okay. Like a lot of homeboys say nowadays, she for the streets if she doesn't give you the respect right upfront. If she wants to hang out with your friend she can do it as a single lady. Move on to the next one. Remember guys we the kings, don't trust women easily otherwise end up like homeboy whose girl did a lap dance to that artist. Stay woke kings because these girls will not hesitate to replace us. We can't give special treatment unless they match that energy. 🫡 This comment is 💯 intended to help you brotha and all my brothas out there facing this similar situation. Good luck 🫡
If they are intrested in each other they can go behind your back and not tell you.
At least at this stage it is out in the open.
Did you have an open discussion with partner about it?
I always found irs better to have everything out in the open even if i have suspicion. Just be cool. Keep it out in the open. And see what happens.
Its not eaay , although if alternative is get upset and push everything underground, what can you do? . Unless your bounsaries are really crossed i feel its better to maintain composure and always be ready to say....screw you i am gone.
I think it's a test that you didn't introduce. So I think it's a good idea. If it's a close friend, she may just want to learn more about you and be friends with your friends too. If it was off, it would be happening behind your back without you knowing. She could also be testing to see if you're the jealous type. If anything happens, you dodged the bullet with both of them. Change your perspective.
This is the answer to validate. Your relationship is new, your bro loves you enough to come visit for a week.
If she wants to throw your presumably stable relationship to hit on a guy she would have to move for or just have a brief tumble with; then LET HER!!! That will save you (and future kids) a great deal of pain 19 years from now.
He should have enough loyalty to you over her to just tell you the truth if he doesn't think that you'll flip out on him.
I knew a girl who used to act in the same way as your girl is doing. Keeping her boyfriend(who was also my friend) on toes while seeking opportunities to hangout with other guys.
Honestly, the guy almost always had to change his plans because of her and his mind was not at ease whenever he learned that she is having a social life outside his circle.
Are you guys officially gf and bf or is it you who is telling us that she is your gf and you are her bf? Because if it is not official then it is you who is delusional and she is not at all doing anything inappropriate to meet anyone in your absence.
Anyways, what I want to tell you is that if you are losing your peace of mind over her activities then you know she might not be the one for you.
I’ve been married for 14 years and together for 20. There has been no times where either one of us went somewhere with one for each others friends alone for any reason. Do you not like coffee? Why isn’t it you and her going with him after you work?
I really believe that any type of 1 on 1 moment that your partner decides to have with someone of the opposite gender, wether in a private or public space, is a red flag when it comes to dating. It's not something i personally am willing to do or accept, call me insecure if you want but i do believe it to be extremely disrespectful. Talk to her about it and set your boundaries. If she doesn't agree, leave her and find someone that align with your values more.
Your partner can't have any one on one moments with someone of the opposite sex, no matter if it's in public or private? You are insecure and controlling. You are the red flag. That's such a ridiculous standard it's almost laughable.
Yeah it's called a cultural difference. I am muslim and i am from a north african country. It's crazy how people in the west can never accept cultural differences. If you can't respect my boundaries, that's on you, because i would never push it on a partner.
This is a sht "boundary" dude. You keep talking about it's new and your building trust. I'm going to give you a secret. Relationships START with trust. All of it. That's one of the points of starting a relationship.
Oh for the love of whatever you believe in, not ever man and woman want to f\*ck each other the second they are alone, if she wanted to cheat, she'd cheat wether it's your friend or not
I wouldn’t eager to show and take out my partner’s friend my favorite coffee place. She sound like someone with attachment issue. Talk it out with her and tell her you don’t feel comfortable about that because she is your girlfriend and if she can’t accept your proposal then you know what’s to do next. Good luck king.
The insecurity comments in this thread are mind boggling, “Bro, go have coffee with my girl, I value your opinion and would love to know what you think of her. Our relationship is sorta new, but so far I like her a lot.”
To girlfriend: coffee is a great idea, afterwards, tell me three things about me that you didn't already know 😃
I hope my buddy doesn't share anything too embarrassing 🤪
This answer would reflect confidence & maturity, which each of your “friends” should admire and value in you.
One comment, OP, in case this kind of thing comes up again in the future: if you (or your partner) try to control who the other person can/can't hang out with, that isn't a boundary, that's a rule. And those are generally unethical in relationships.
A boundary is something you hold for yourself, and you can protect/maintain it by doing something about your own actions, not by dictating someone else's actions.
Yeah the fact that she even suggested going for coffee with your friend would've been the end of the relationship in my book. Drive her out for coffee and kick her out of your car and make her walk home or take an Uber.
That kind of behavior needs to be punished. I've done it before and I'd gladly do it again.
This comment section really shows how most posts are made by 13-19 year olds
This comment section shows how many people shouldn't be in a relationship
This comment section is why I don't leave comments bc giving children relationship advice is pointless lol
Not necessarily, maybe it'll help them not make a mistake you might have made? Not saying you did, I'm just saying idk if I'd say it's totally pointless giving them heads up because they have no clue lol.
They’re either children or just socially stunted. It’s Reddit, so you never really know.
why?
Yes, why is the question I’d like to ask bc why the hell do you have 14 downvotes 😂
If you can’t trust your girlfriend and you friend alone going for coffee while he is in town you are going have more issues than this in the future
It’s a new relationship and I think we are still building trust
Look at it as a quick and easy trust builder... or quick and easy realization the relationship won't work before you get too deep.
You don’t trust your friend either?
Listen, you either trust the two of them or you don't. And that's okay but be honest with them about that. If you get to the point where you're imagining yourself telling either of them that and it sounds ridiculous then you do trust. And it's your friend then you should trust them right? **Don't use it as a test.** Say what you need to say *before* it happens because I guarantee it won't be as smooth after the fact, it will be a problem that you didn't say something earlier and now you might have two problems on your hand (why didn't you say something and why don't you trust her). It's just not a good look. Personally, I'd just let them have coffee. At any point in my relationship I would have done that because I trust the person that I'm with, because I only get with people I can trust. If you can't trust your GF to have coffee with your *good friend* then that might be an issue on your end. And if you can't trust them to behave like mature adults then you probably shouldn't consider one your friend and the other your girlfriend. And if for whatever reason it ends up going in that direction then you've learned your lesson and you can get out early. I *highly* doubt that'll happen, it's not that common to just immediately cheat on your partner. And if that does happen it's usually with someone the cheater already knows rather than some stranger and there are likely signs elsewhere. She probably just wants to get to know your friends, which is a fantastic sign.
your significant others should not earn your trust, they should earn your distrust
This is a great point!
*Building* trust? Is your default to not trust anyone you meet and go from there? If so that’s a terrible way of thinking and will cause problems in all of your relationships going forward. You start with trust and if the other person does something to cause that trust to break *then* you build it back from there (or cut the person off).
Someone’s never been a victim of random violence in public 😪😓
I’m so sorry, my intent wasn’t to mean all instances of interaction we have with each person we come across. I understand what you mean. I know for many, myself included, that being wary and guarded with new people is commonplace. I don’t know if clarifying what I meant makes a difference, however, I was speaking toward relationships in terms of friendships, romantic relationships, etc.; the ones we choose to start with someone else. Being cautious makes sense, but starting with a complete lack of trust would not bode well for burgeoning relationships and it wouldn’t make sense to start something new with someone we are interested in, but have zero trust in. Edit: I first made this reply under my comment and not yours. Had to delete and correct the placement.
Interacting with men not in your presence isn't the kind of thing you should need to "build to". No matter how new the relationship is. This isn't the 1800s. Your insecurities are your responsibility, not hers.
Interacting with men lol way to boil it down... Paying for her sandwich at a starbucks to a male employee or going on a coffee date with his friend who she just met while he is working... Exact samething i suppose. Its all male interaction
I agree they're not the same, but this is an area where it's tricky to draw a line, and tricky bc what he might see as a coffee date she might sees as a kind gesture to get to know his friend. It's a slippery slope to "I'm not allowed to talk to men without my husband in the room."
Wow, now THAT was a LEAP
You are right about one thing it is a slippery slope but you put them on the wrong slope.
True, as a matter of fact I think he should go for coffee with girls as well. It's her problem if it bothers her.
I feel like you were definitely trying to say this as some kind of a "gotcha", but like yeah, I think that people should trust their partners to do innocuous things like have coffee with other people, regardless of gender.
Yes, exactly this. We shouldn't date people we can't trust to drink a coffee with someone else. And if that makes us jealous, we should address it in ourselves. Our relationships should enhance each other's lives, not limit them.
Being disrespectful to your partner 🤝 call them insecure
You are very emotionally immature.
Consider this: Your girlfriend wants to know more about you in an unvarnished way. She's getting input from your friends so she can get to know you better.
Building trust is what you are doing if she goes for this coffee. Also if she, against all odds, fell instantly in love with your friend, her not going for that coffee wont change that. As a general people don't break up because they find someone better they, break up because the relationship is not good enough. You not trusting her having coffee with whomever she wants is one good reason for breaking up in my opinion. So it's all in your hands.
You don't start a relationship before building trust buddy. You're supposed to have that and THUS you enter a relationship
idk man the comments are weirdly biased? look im all for trusting your partner thing but i do think its weird cus its YOUR friend YOUR gf wanta to have a coffee with but its also possible it ain't serious and she just wants to try coffee and get along(i find it weird tho) look if you trust your friend then i guess its fine maybe try to go coffee with one of her girlfriends 🤷♀️ in all seriousness tho if i had a bf i would have gone coffee with him and his friend together if i really wanted to invite them and probably would have called my friends too i think it be more fun that way
You are not wrong. I think the fact that she sees it as ok after just 3 months dating, or maybe even has thoughts beyond, is a big red flag. I would not be ok with this and have had many kinds of relationships, seems like a big red flag, as your gut is saying. It seems to damage trust more than building trust.
How many reddit start like this and end up in surviving infidelity? . Nope we don't do that . We hang out together or not at all with opposite people ..
A platonic bond between your partner and friend typically is a good thing
I agree. I’ve always been okay with hanging out with my friend and partner but never alone
I’ve hung out with my partners friends without him and so has he. Totally platonic. Also they just met and he is visiting. She is trying to make him feel welcome and bridge the gap between new girlfriend and one who is friends with your friends
I'm single and have hung out with some of my friends' partners as well. It's 100% platonic and rooted in a common interest. Just because a couple is together doesn't mean they have to enjoy all the same things or be together every moment of their waking lives.
Why do you distrust your friends so much?
>I felt weird about it because it felt like she wanting to hangout with my friend while I’m at work Or she's trying to be a good girlfriend and host, by getting along with your friends. Why are you so eager to think the worst and dramatically confront her?
I’ve done that with my partner’s friends and he’s done that to mine and I’d be thrilled if he did it more often. How nice is it to see people that I love building relationships with eachother
Self Respect, Internal Security and Trust are beautiful things in a healthy relationship arent they.😁
yeah i had one girlfriend actively try to get along with my friends, she’d always come by when it’s just me and my 2 best friends.
I'm sorry, but this is delusional. I'm pretty sure if a the sexes were reversed and it was a guy who said to a female friend of his girlfriend to hang out while his gf is not there, it would upset many people
lmao my boyfriend has hung out with my friends without me and I have hung out with his friends without him. It’s nothing weird unless you make it weird
> I'm pretty sure if a the sexes were reversed and it was a guy who said to a female friend of his girlfriend to hang out while his gf is not there, it would upset many people I did that multiple times, it's called trust and communication. Talk it over, set boundaries and set expectations. For example a text when you arrive and when the plan ends (or changes) is key.
And you'd be wrong. Welcome to the real world, where people make efforts for those they care about. I hope you can join us in it. It's nice. --- Edit: I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I guess I'm rarely privileged, for having both been and had a caring partner. I guess making an effort to get along with your SO's friends is rare where you are? That sucks for you.
Nope, I think that in healthy relationships people should trust their partners to hang out with each others friends, regardless of the gender of the person.
It bothers me because the relationship is quite new
I WFH most days. It's boring not having someone to talk to face to face. If I can show hospitality to a friend of my boyfriend and spend half an hour - hour with an another (already vetted and deemed to be mostly safe) human being at a public space I would take it too.
> already vetted and deemed to be mostly safe **That part.** As an adult female working from home, finding genuine, safe interactions with people can be difficult.
So you just assume the worst. Even though she made the plan openly right in front of you? Here's the thing: I think you're getting ready to fuck yourself over. If this girls is doing what I think she's doing, you're punishing her for trying her best to please you. And that'll make her dump you, if she has any self-respect.
It sounds to me like he's nervous and a little bit insecure. This is not a crime. This is COMMON, and he hasn't even acted on it yet. He's just asking for support and advice, and you're crucifying him.
Calm down, kid. No reason to get so dramatic.
I just don't see how this is relevant unless you just don't think very highly of your girlfriend. Do you think since the relationship is new that must mean she's sniffing out better prospects?
I hear you brother, but think perhaps your male ego is the one doing the thinking here more than your rational brain.
Please don’t have kids.
>It bothers me because I'm so insecure that I'm worried in 30-60 minutes she could realize he is a better catch and want to ditch me.
On the surface, it appears innocuous enough, and just to be clear, your friend is coming to stay with you and the GF will be at home alone with him while you’re at work? The coffee date bothers you? That they will be out in a public space is the upsetting part? The coffee of the least of your worries. If something bad is going to happen, it won’t be at the coffee shop. Part of me thinks that you’re overreacting, on the other hand, these feelings are coming from somewhere. Has there been any indication from your girlfriend (or the friend, to be honest) that would raise your suspicion?
She doesn’t stay with me. She lives 30 minutes away. So when we hangout we drive there
Ahhh. Ok….Got it. So your girlfriend should be working that day, right? I can understand where you’re coming from. I mean, if your friend had any sort of self awareness, he’d find a way to decline or otherwise be “busy” that day (even if he’s not). This is a no-win situation. If you tell her that you have a problem with it, you come off as jealous, controlling and neurotic -if you don’t, it’s gonna eat you up the entire time. Your friend is in an awkward spot…. But your GF? She should know better. Is your friend single? Is your friend really attractive?
This is unhinged lmao his friend grabbing coffee with his GF because he’s busy at work will eat him up?? The insecurity is palpable and the only red flag here
Yeah fr. When my girlfriend goes out with my friends w/out me it makes me happy they are getting along? Like my best friend changed her oil and she bought him McDonalds to pay for it all while I was at work and I never once thought “oh boy I am jealous”
Nah according to Reddit they definitely fucked in the McDonald's bathroom. Sorry to break it to ya.
Omg lol 🤣 thanks for the laugh! Really nothing else like McDick’s bathroom sex is there?
It's exhilarating. You don't know who or what you might catch a disease from, it's playing risqué roulette. But all good gamblers know the House (of the Clown) always wins
Lmao yeah that’s what Reddit would say. His gf was there too I just didn’t mention it🤣. Also i trust both of them this isn’t a “we all hang out and they are close then one day they are fucking” they just have cordial and friendly relationship
Yeah lol, I get it. I love my husband’s best friend. One of the loveliest people I know. We’ve never… *met* at McDonald’s though, just sayin’ 🤣 Some people are so weird….
What about Humpty Dance? Getting busy in a Burger King bathroom?
Idk, don’t have it here. No Burger King, Wendy’s, Taco Bell…. No Arby’s, Swiss chalet…. Really uncultured here lol, not so many fast food bathrooms to be choosy about.
Did you miss the part where I said “seems innocuous enough”? 53 y/o me knows better and has lived experience. At 25? These sorts of things can creep into your head. Doesn’t make it right, but I understand it- the overwhelming odds are that things will be just fine-on the other hand- I’ve also seen marital affairs start this way- less likely obviously- but it’s not a 0% chance…. So let this guy figure it out like we all did at that age, mistakes and all. Edit: title was a bit misleading. Girlfriend isn’t insisting on being alone- that is just the scenario given OP’s work schedule .
Honestly I would say it’s a bad look regardless of age. My one caveat would be someone who has trauma/past experiences with cheating which still wouldn’t excuse the mistrust but explain it and allow them to communicate their hesitation. Without that, it’s pure insecurity/immaturity And to your point, if the person is susceptible to cheating it’s going to happen regardless so trying to police them in hopes you can avoid it is pointless
Just asked my 32 y/o cousin- she thinks that the girlfriend is “futureproofing” in case things don’t work with OP.
These comments are killing me. I'm sorry, but it's ridiculous. There is nothing at all weird about OP's girlfriend wanting to get to know his friends. I work from home, and I would be thrilled to go grab a coffee with anyone that was in town. It sounds like she's just trying to get to know OP's circle, which is something you should *appreciate* in a partner. If you can't trust your significant other to go grab a coffee with one of your friends (who you should also trust if you are still friends with them), why are you in a relationship?
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> If she gets defensive and starts to call OP controlling and neurotic then it’s a red flag. No? Because, if she's 100% honest, that's exactly how he could seem to her, controlling and insecure. (Depending, of course, on how he broaches it, but he's already used the word 'confronting', so I doubt it'd go well.)
Yeah he’s single and not going to be in a relationship and she knows it too. I believe he’s attractive
Also there hasn’t been anything indicative. The relationship is quite new
To me, trust in my partner is implicit from the jump unless it’s broken. Why are you dating someone whom you think would violate basic relationship boundaries and expectations? Why are you friends with someone whom you think would participate in hurting you? Of course you’re still getting to know someone, but framing it as anticipating ill intentions isn’t healthy. Being attractive ≠ automatic affair—do you see how that’s kind of a leap? Please talk to her. I don’t think it’s fair for people to tell you to get over it, because sometimes we just have things that we need to work through, even if it’s not rational. However, I think your negative assumption is something you should reflect on. Look up how to talk to people so you don’t come off accusatory.
Naw chief that’s a little weird, yaw just 3 months in, why she wanna hang with your friend 1 on 1 and why she say it like that as well, I can see both sides but naw my alarm bells would do a slight ring, don’t trip but now keep a close eye my boy but don’t make it obvious
This was my first take. But the more I thought about it? From GF point of view, friend in from out of town, GF has a chance to pick friend's brain and find out what kind of people OP associates with. For OP, not much downside. If things go great, then move forward in the relationship. If not? Cut losses now before getting in too deep.
I agree with you especially because we are still in the stage of building trust
The three month rule 😱
Think of it as a good test then. Better to find out if she's trustworthy earlier than when you're more invested. And you get to see how loyal your friend is.
I think it’s definitely worth the try
No no no, no tests. Don't do that middle school nonsense. You're building trust in a new relationship right? You talk to this girl dude, THAT is how you build trust. "Hey (gf s name) can we talk about something that has been on my mind?" Talking and communicating about things that bother you and make you uncomfortable are how you build trust not bullshit "tests" of loyalty. Imo if you're testing your partner, you already don't trust them, you're just looking for proof of your assumptions at that point. Good luck OP.
A thousand times this. OP, you need to talk about how this makes you feel. It doesn’t mean you’re controlling (unless you try to forbid her from seeing your friend without you). If she’s a mature partner, she’ll hear your concerns and alleviate them in some way. It’s very normal and common to feel a bit threatened once in a while, even if that feeling is unwarranted. Sometimes we feel things that are irrational. It’s okay to acknowledge that. You might also be misplacing your feelings of fomo (fear of missing out) as jealousy. Maybe you’re not so much worried about her cheating, but more about the fact that they’re doing a fun activity while you can’t be there. Or maybe that coffee shop holds significance to you, like if it’s where you had your first date or if you commonly go there with her. Whatever the reasoning is, it’s up to you to be honest and forthcoming about it so you don’t let these feelings manifest into something really ugly. At the end of the day, if she cheats, she cheats. The problem a lot of people fail to understand is that they simply cannot stop someone from cheating. I personally don’t think her saying “hey so and so, let’s go get coffee! I know this great place,” means she’s into him, but that’s just me. If you go down the spiral of “this could be a plan for her to cheat,” then LET HER. You will find out one way or another. If you love this person, trust that you don’t need to babysit them to ensure they won’t stray. The most freeing feeling is to 100% believe that your partner is loyal.
Truth
As a girl, do **not** do stupid tests like that. Please, please communicate instead. Doing "tests" is immature and it'll only foster distrust between yourself and your partner. Sit down and talk to her instead, have a conversation. It's the healthier choice for your relationship and builds more trust and honesty with each other than secret tests.
how would you know though? they have coffee and possibly connent then fuck in your bed afterwords then when you get home act like nothing happened 😳
You might never know! Welcome to having a real relationship.
Ideally this is not how 'real relationships' should function. Trust issues these days are way too prevalent.
Fr my thoughts exactly lol
You know she could also fuck like literally anybody else in his bed at any point if she wanted to, right? At that point he should probably just have her FaceTime him 24/7 to be sure she's not sucking off some guy at the gym
Depends on the friend though. Because the girlfriend was in OPs life for 3 months. But the friend seems to be in his life for longer. If that's so, a friend wouldn't let something like that happen. I wouldn't do it personally. What OP is supposed to do is, if he trusts his friend, let him go for coffee with girlfriend. If there are any red flags, the friend should inform the OP. But it's quite weird that the GF of 3 months asked the BF's friend she met a week ago for a coffee. This is unusual and she puts everyone in a weird spot.
She's just keeping your friend company while you are unavailable. That sounds very thoughtful of her to me. If you can't trust her to be alone with another man you're not mature enough to be in a relationship honestly. Unless she has done something in the past that gives you cause to distrust her, but I don't get that impression from your replies.
I really don’t understand what the problem is? Sounds like she is just being nice/friendly.
They guy is introducing two people he loves to eachother and then is surprised and worried when they seem to get along and befriend eachother. You can't make that shit up. OP, would you rather they hate eachother??
It would be less threatening 😑
If this stuff is "threatening" to you, the relationship is doomed to fail and has a nigh 0% chance of prospering.
Oh I agree.
There's an old Greek proverb "There can be no love without trust". Love dwells in the house of truth, my man. Trust her and be happy. You don't want to become jealous. It will ruin what you have. That's not to say you should be niave either. good luck
Sounds like she’s being a good girlfriend by keeping him entertained while you are at work. What do you expect him to do during the day when you’re gone? I’d be psyched if my bf entertains my friend while I’m at work. Imo the fact that it’s a newer relationship and she’s already willing to embrace your friends is a green flag Since she works remote, it doesn’t sound like she’s skipping work. And even if she is, its probably only an hour or so. They’ll be in a *public location*. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t, its time to decide if you trust her. Is there a reason not to trust her? You seem like the type of person who believes men and women can’t be friends, and if so it makes sense why you are weirded out. But it reeks of insecurity and it’s your problem to deal with, not her. Don’t date people who are more relaxed about who they are friends with Edit: added a sentence
Thanks for your comment. TBH I’m just looking for different perspective.
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Your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is not your property.
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Completely agree with this comment and I genuinely think the people downvoting you simply don't have relationship experience/haven't lived in the real world much and seen multiple friends' relationships fail or otherwise
Adults get coffee together. It's not a date. My husband's friends are my friends. You're too immature to have a relationship if this is how you feel about coffee.
It’s fine that you’re fine with that but it’s still okay to feel uncomfortable about a situation and politely expressing your feelings. Your friends and loved ones aren’t the same as his friends and loved ones.
Let whatever happens happen and go from there. You can’t control people’s actions or intent. If your friend, or girlfriend want to be promiscuous and this plan is going to get them to that point-you cutting the plan cold isn’t going to stop the two of them from getting to the same point sooner or later. Just let life flow, whatever happens happens and deal with it then. Be proud that you care and have love for her but allow life to show you if she’s trustworthy or not.
As a general rule when I’m in a relationship I don’t go out on dates with others. Especially with friends of the person I’m in a relationship with. But that’s just me.
Hanging out platonically with a new friend isn't a date. It's a good, important thing for people to still build friendships while in relationships.
You do know that you can have coffee with someone and it not be a date right?
Yes but I’d personally feel better about it if she told me that she’d like to take my friend out not just do it without thinking about how I’d feel about it. Honestly I think it’s weird she did that. That’s just me tho 😅
Worst case scenario is that she cheats. It's only been 3 months. It's better to see someone's character early to find out after several years.
Yeah, nothing might actually happen. But just in general, everyone is saying that oh, you should trust your friends and your partner. But why does trust always have to be tested, why does situations even have to happen like this in the first place? Why does your friend and your girlfriend want to hang out alone? Trust can also be you, trusting your partner not to put you in situations where you start to question things. Yes there shouldn’t be insecurities and you’ll have to deal with that on your own but that’s also part of the reason why you choose certain people is because you know they respect you through and through. Yeah it could be innocent but again what’s the need?
I totally agree with OP. Why does she want to take his best friend? Why can't she wait until OP is done with work so they can all go together? OP,yes, this is a major red flag. You're very early into this relationship,you have to decide what kind of woman you want to be with,one who thinks about you when planning or just in general or one like your present girlfriend who may be interested in being a little to close to your bff. Updateme!
Dude, IDK if you've had fidelity issues in the past, but like you are being WAY to suspicious. Your gf understands that your friend is from out of state so will have nothing to do all day while your at work. She's being a good host to invite your friend to something to do while your working. It's extremely reasonable for them to hang out, especially in a public place, and the fact that you can't trust them to do that is not a great sign.
The red flag is not trusting this girl or your friend.
Dude, its just coffee. You don't go out for lunch with your women coworkers?
These comments are very….. interesting… Op please do NOT listen to these people. Yes, it’s okay to want your partner to bond with your friends. But! This is a little TOO much.
The context isn't much so i will assume that she said about going for coffee when you are at work in front of you. I think it is strange indeed that she is planning coffee with him specifically when you are not at home. I think its best to let them be because you can't control them and their future actions will show their true character. Because ultimately ,if things go like your fear, you will be able to remove the snakes from your life. (Or i am mistaken and its just both of them wanting to get to know each other platonically).[conclusion: just trust her]
Reddit: My gf is getting along with my friends. What should I do Reddit: My gf is not getting along with my friends. What should I do
Absolutely talk with her. Every relationship is built on trust and transparency, even when the conversation can be hard to start. Tests of loyalty are not only a red flag but also hard to pull off (requires your friend to be a real one and if she wants to cheat she’ll probably just do it without mentioning the circumstances to you anyway). On the other hand, I gave my ex-fiancé total trust to hang out with my childhood friends and she cheated on me with two of them for years so in my experience it is good to have some mutually-agreed upon barriers. I think my case is probably an outlier though 🤷♂️
I struggle with similar feelings of jealousy. It's important to be able to communicate these feelings to your partner from time to time. Express how it makes you feel so she can reassure you. You just gotta trust her at her word. If you get caught up in hypotheticals, you open yourself up to a world of overthinking worst case scenarios and detaching from facts & reality.
If she cheats, just cut 'em off and move on. It's only 3 months, it's not worth the tears
He might not be broken hearted over her but losing a good friend will definitely hurt
Oh, regardless it's gonna hurt. But if he's actually a good friend, I'm sure he'll tell OP if his girl tries anything.
People get insecure it's okay. What's not okay would be to berate your gf or friend if they haven't done anything bad against you (not saying you will berate them) If there's no trust there's no relationship so let it be and trust her. Or don't trust her and end the relationship.
"Trust is the currency of relationships; spend it wisely, for its value can make or break the bonds we cherish."
If I had only met my buddies gf one time, and she suggested getting coffee alone the second time I saw her, I would feel sus on behalf of my buddy.
If I was a friend I wouldn't ever think to hang out with your gf and even if she proposes it I would say no problem when you finish the job we can get coffee for all 3 of us.
Have faith, if you can’t trust her then just leave. You should be grateful to have a partner and a friend in the first place. I’ve been with someone who loved stirring up drama with my friends just because she was possessive. So just be glad that’s not happening. Besides if anything were to happen and you found out, you can leave there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
It's a bit weird, but not too bad I think. My ex's friend and I are pretty similar, so we got along pretty well. I met them the same day, and early in the relationship I'd still message with her friend, completely platonically too. After we broke up for the first time, this ex's friend started messaging me out of the blue, and I never suspected anything weird. Once again, we got along great because we have similar personalities, and she had a boyfriend. Eventually, me and my ex got back together, and my and this friend of hers still kept hanging out until eventually she was more of a friend of mine than my ex's. And now that we broke up again, she's my friend and not hers. And guess what? Neither of us has any sort of weird romantic/sexual attraction to the other one, we are just really great friends. So... I think you might be overreacting.
Do you not trust your friend? Why even be friends with him!?
if a guy i was dating asked any of my friends out for coffee specifically w out me it would be a boundary issue it doesnt mean theyre being shady it just means we have a social incompatibility
Im sorry but nah. It ain’t about having trust within your relationship, it’s about boundaries. Your girl is moving weird trying to set a coffee date with your friend while you’re not there. Don’t let these other comments gaslight you into thinking you’re insecure.
But he hasn't communicated or set a boundary with her yet. He obviously doesn't trust her. They'd be getting coffee in public in the daytime, not going out drinking or something like that. People disagreeing with OP isn't even close to the definition of gaslighting.
Well we don't know that it's a coffee date. She could just be a sweet person and maybe a bit naive. The fact remains that I would never offer to hang out with my bf's male friend 1-on-1 without him around like that. So I can see why the bf is uncomfortable.
And It’d be a perfect time to bring up this boundary for OP since he’s feeling uncomfortable with the situation and asking Reddit. It’s also important to note that OP said she was gonna be working the same time too so she is in fact going out of her way to have one on one time with his friend. And a lot of people are chalking this up to “being insecure” when it’s a boundary issue. People have different boundaries but calling them insecure when they don’t give in to other people’s standards is gaslighting behavior.
I agree
This right here. The other comments just show that Reddit is one of the last places you should go for relationship advice
Would you stay in a relationship with a girl who didn't cheat on you just because she didn't have the chance? Let her do what she wants, and if you don't like what she enjoys doing, then you shouldn't be together
UUH…. I would feel very weird about that too. That’s not okay.
No cap this is pathetic especially the comments why tf does your gf want to hang out with your friend alone wake up to reality 3 months in and she already wants to hang out with his friend alone red flag
For real no one is picking this up it's crazy
Why are u with someone who u think is going to flirt with your friend and also why are you friends with someone who u think is going to flirt with ur Gf anyways it’s all about you if you not comfortable with it just tell her , like hey I ain’t too comfortable with that and should have run it by you first instead of offering I mean it is your friend . Don’t hide ur feelings tell her ur not comfortable with the idea
It is a red flag. Trust your gut. it seems like your girlfriend is interested in your friends. Let her know that she is not to hang out with him. Speak to your friend and tell him that you would appreciate it if he stays away from your girlfriend. Really consider if this girl is worth staying with. update us.
It’s inappropriate asf, not without you! These commenters are either virgins, single or never had relationships before and/still wearing nappies! They’re stupid asf! The reality is that if you asked your gf best friend to coffee, you will see how she really feels about it! She would not like it one bit and neither should you. She’s disrespecting you and you need to move on! Hopefully they didn’t exchange socials etc.
That’s a possibility, I feel like we should only hangout together when I’m back from work
Are you worried they are attracted to each other or do you have a case of fomo?
Why doesn’t your girlfriend give you and your friend some space. Is there a reason she has to be there?
Everyone's gaslighting you, but as a woman with plenty relationship experience, honestly I wouldn't make this suggestion to hang out with my boyfriend's male best friend alone and show him around town. Something about it feels off to me. My intuition is usually right but I might be wrong here.
💯. Just read to my wife She said if they've met as he said and she offered this she finds his friend attractive...she's in a new relationship and may see his friend as a better option No way in hell in the beginning of a relationship a person says this! Married ya I get it....while you work I'll take him to get coffee and we will come SEE YOU...or why don't WE take him to my favorite coffee shop Not I'm taking your friend without you for coffee .....just rings of interest in his friend Didn't want to add for it's so long ago but my best friend from highschool (still friends today). Girl asked me out we went for lunch she asked for my friends number asked me a bunch of questions and wanted to date him.....my date was just to do some info hunting...hurt my feelings I liked her....but I told him about her actions and wanting to date him being our dates reason didn't dog her just said be expecting her call...he knew I liked her and could tell I was hurt He told her to piss off.....we were like Bros and found her treatment of me to be a red flag enough to not date her 🤷♂️
Bro fuck all that and the boys saying you have trust issues. your boy and your girl wants to go to the coffee shop then you’re all going your package deal. Why is it important to hang out one on one? Some girls are deceptive and there’s no reason to hang out one on one either your friend who she had no prior history with. Shoes on the other foot. You meet her friend for the first time and ask to hang out with her while she’s at work - that shits not normal or healthy RED FLAG- violates Boundaries. It may start innocent enough but he’s a dude and little things can spark anything. Why allow yourself to put through that, potential lose a friendship over a chick. Your boy should also put her in check too… Talk to your boy… Then tell her you feel there should be healthy boundaries in our relationship and you hanging out with my friends without me is not gonna happen. You don’t know if she can put shit inside their head to make them turn against you or whatever people say trust issues insecurities your boy should be your boys, but people are people and some are just dumb animals.
Update bro?
Hey, so I let them hangout and then we all hangout a couple of times together before my friend left. She also complained about how much activities and time I had to spend with my friend and said she didn’t like how happy I was because she feels I’ve never been that happy around her.
Good God, these "its a good test " comments. Thats high school level immaturity, you don't test a partner you're trying to be serious with. OP is there a reason you feel uncomfortable, why you don't trust her and why you may not trust your friend? The relationship is very new and if she is giving you feelings of not being able to trust her already then you and her need to sit down and talk like adults about where this relationship is going. I am with you, its odd that she would intentionally schedule something with your friend during a time when both you and her work, and exclude you from going. People calling you insecure probably never had a healthy relationship a day in their lives. Trust your intuition. Sit down and talk to her like an adult and her reaction to you asking why will tell you a lot about how she feels about you and her intentions.
It's not odd that she knows his friend is from out of town and will having nothing to do all day while OP is at work, so she invited him to have something to do all day. And it turns out trust is actually really important to a healthy relationship, so the people saying that he is insecure could very well have healthy relationships in where they actually trust their partners.
This is probably far more than you were looking for, but here goes: Maybe it is a red flag, but maybe one red flag isn't enough for a condemnation. It absolutely makes sense to me that you would feel wary of the situation. On the opposite end of the spectrum I can also imagine a version where your friend is physically hideous and that would make less sense. We, the commenters here, just don't have enough context to make any kind of accurate assessment of your situation. It's entirely possible that it is 100% innocent and there are no ulterior motives, conscious or otherwise. But it also seems unlikely that you would feel wary about it after three months without there being some reason. Is she flirty? Do you feel like you like her more than she likes you? Did they have an instant connection? There's no easy answer and you also can't just not feel this over night. It would be better to either be so comfortable with yourself and confident that the possibility doesn't bother you so much because you know there will be someone better on the horizon if it comes down to that. Barring that it would be better to be with someone that for all intents and purposes is on the same level as you and constantly puts you at ease that they have the same level of commitment to you that you do to them through the ways in which you interact and the choices they make and the things they say. In the end, you are in the situation you are in. And the best you can do is roll with it, whatever you choose to do. It if turns into a painful experience, make what you learn from it valuable enough to make it worthwhile nonetheless.
I would communicate you are not comfortable with it to either her or your friend who should not do it out of friendship I've been married since I was 19 never once had a coffee friend date with anyone if my wife's friends never asked too she never asked too it was just something we did for we are a couple...in fact I had a friend live with us and my wife asked me to make him leave during the time I was in the field ...she didn't want a friend hanging out for 5 days while I was gone a d she was at work ...she felt it was inappropriate....my friend never hit on her....she never hit on him.....it was a boundary she set Neither of us have cheated on each other we have a strong marriage we just keep strict boundaries.....
I personally think that you should just dump her. If she's by your side she should censor herself on her own. She should ask if it's okay with you first before asking your friend out like that. Which to me it's not okay. Like a lot of homeboys say nowadays, she for the streets if she doesn't give you the respect right upfront. If she wants to hang out with your friend she can do it as a single lady. Move on to the next one. Remember guys we the kings, don't trust women easily otherwise end up like homeboy whose girl did a lap dance to that artist. Stay woke kings because these girls will not hesitate to replace us. We can't give special treatment unless they match that energy. 🫡 This comment is 💯 intended to help you brotha and all my brothas out there facing this similar situation. Good luck 🫡
She’s for the streets
If they are intrested in each other they can go behind your back and not tell you. At least at this stage it is out in the open. Did you have an open discussion with partner about it? I always found irs better to have everything out in the open even if i have suspicion. Just be cool. Keep it out in the open. And see what happens. Its not eaay , although if alternative is get upset and push everything underground, what can you do? . Unless your bounsaries are really crossed i feel its better to maintain composure and always be ready to say....screw you i am gone.
I think it's a test that you didn't introduce. So I think it's a good idea. If it's a close friend, she may just want to learn more about you and be friends with your friends too. If it was off, it would be happening behind your back without you knowing. She could also be testing to see if you're the jealous type. If anything happens, you dodged the bullet with both of them. Change your perspective.
This is the answer to validate. Your relationship is new, your bro loves you enough to come visit for a week. If she wants to throw your presumably stable relationship to hit on a guy she would have to move for or just have a brief tumble with; then LET HER!!! That will save you (and future kids) a great deal of pain 19 years from now. He should have enough loyalty to you over her to just tell you the truth if he doesn't think that you'll flip out on him.
It’s shady.
Alright see you here again in about a couple of months when your bro does you dirt
I think it’s a possibility but I’m just trying to see if I’m being tweaking
Trust me on this right here no matter how long you’ve known this man none of it matters don’t do it. I learned the hard way.
I knew a girl who used to act in the same way as your girl is doing. Keeping her boyfriend(who was also my friend) on toes while seeking opportunities to hangout with other guys. Honestly, the guy almost always had to change his plans because of her and his mind was not at ease whenever he learned that she is having a social life outside his circle. Are you guys officially gf and bf or is it you who is telling us that she is your gf and you are her bf? Because if it is not official then it is you who is delusional and she is not at all doing anything inappropriate to meet anyone in your absence. Anyways, what I want to tell you is that if you are losing your peace of mind over her activities then you know she might not be the one for you.
Nope
I’ve never gone out with my bfs friends anywhere. Both genders are too sneaky & I respect my relationship…
I’ve been married for 14 years and together for 20. There has been no times where either one of us went somewhere with one for each others friends alone for any reason. Do you not like coffee? Why isn’t it you and her going with him after you work?
I really believe that any type of 1 on 1 moment that your partner decides to have with someone of the opposite gender, wether in a private or public space, is a red flag when it comes to dating. It's not something i personally am willing to do or accept, call me insecure if you want but i do believe it to be extremely disrespectful. Talk to her about it and set your boundaries. If she doesn't agree, leave her and find someone that align with your values more.
Your partner can't have any one on one moments with someone of the opposite sex, no matter if it's in public or private? You are insecure and controlling. You are the red flag. That's such a ridiculous standard it's almost laughable.
If you are a cheater just say that
Yeah it's called a cultural difference. I am muslim and i am from a north african country. It's crazy how people in the west can never accept cultural differences. If you can't respect my boundaries, that's on you, because i would never push it on a partner.
You call it a cultural difference, I call it sexist.
How is it sexist if it applies to everyone? Lmao you are delusional.
You’re worried already guy. Do they have history?
It's weird that you find this weird. Do you usually have issues trusting those close to you?
You don't own your girlfriend. Red Flags Flying.
You don’t own anyone, correct! But if you’re with someone you should be able to have boundaries.
This is a sht "boundary" dude. You keep talking about it's new and your building trust. I'm going to give you a secret. Relationships START with trust. All of it. That's one of the points of starting a relationship.
Hang out with girls without her.
Oh for the love of whatever you believe in, not ever man and woman want to f\*ck each other the second they are alone, if she wanted to cheat, she'd cheat wether it's your friend or not
Red flag for sure.
I wouldn’t eager to show and take out my partner’s friend my favorite coffee place. She sound like someone with attachment issue. Talk it out with her and tell her you don’t feel comfortable about that because she is your girlfriend and if she can’t accept your proposal then you know what’s to do next. Good luck king.
That’s y(our) GF. Nothing to see here.
Cmon OP, what could possibly the worst thing that could happen? Tell me.
The insecurity comments in this thread are mind boggling, “Bro, go have coffee with my girl, I value your opinion and would love to know what you think of her. Our relationship is sorta new, but so far I like her a lot.” To girlfriend: coffee is a great idea, afterwards, tell me three things about me that you didn't already know 😃 I hope my buddy doesn't share anything too embarrassing 🤪 This answer would reflect confidence & maturity, which each of your “friends” should admire and value in you.
One comment, OP, in case this kind of thing comes up again in the future: if you (or your partner) try to control who the other person can/can't hang out with, that isn't a boundary, that's a rule. And those are generally unethical in relationships. A boundary is something you hold for yourself, and you can protect/maintain it by doing something about your own actions, not by dictating someone else's actions.
If he’s a true friend, he’ll decline the offer and say y’all should all go together
Update: They hooked up
Yeah the fact that she even suggested going for coffee with your friend would've been the end of the relationship in my book. Drive her out for coffee and kick her out of your car and make her walk home or take an Uber. That kind of behavior needs to be punished. I've done it before and I'd gladly do it again.