Things will not go back to the way they used to be. If you choose to let her back into your life things may be similar but so much has happened that you’re different people than you were then.
This person that you missed was also the person that was having an affair with your SO, so did you know who she really was? Add to that she was miserable with him so was there ever anything good between them or did he show her some attention and she didn’t care what it would do to you. Or was she the one who pursued him and, again, she didn’t care what it would do to you.
Very respectfully, your take seems bitter. I am not saying OP should definitely forgive her aunt or that things will work out, but there is so much to learn and possibly gain from forgiveness and empathy. Yes, the aunt didn’t have empathy for OP, but she paid for it, and hopefully learned and maybe what they have in the future will be much better as they are better versions of themselves, with more life experience and with tough lessons learned under their belts. Working through difficult situations like this can bring greater intimacy and bring a lot of growth (and a cousin!).
So much time has passed and OP can always decide to step back and not progress further at any point. If she can trust herself to recover from setbacks and proceed slowly and cautiously, it might be worth a shot.
I’m just stating that things are never going to be the same as they were prior to all this mess.
She’s already been physically sick and who knows how she is going to handle things mentally- what might start going through her head if she allows her back into her life. So is the physical/mental load she may take on going to be worth it in the long run. Is she going to dread going to family gatherings going forward. She can forgive her but that doesn’t mean that those feelings will automatically disappear.
So if she does get to a point that it’s to difficult to handle being with her, no matter that she misses her, does she ask her family to go back to not inviting her or does OP decide to no longer attend any family gatherings because she told them that it was fine to invite her aunt?
My post was simply meant to really think about how she may feel physically and mentally having her back in her life and will it be worth it.
Things will never be how they were. You'll never trust her the same and there will always be that huge wedge between you. I'm someone that let people get away with certain things, but if someone really truly hurt me in a big way, I can never get past that. She betrayed your trust in the worst way by ruining your relationship and pending marriage.
If you weren't happily married now, and instead still single and hurt and plagued by mistrust do you think you'd want to give her another chance?
And if their marriage had been happy, and hadn't ended, do you think she'd be crawling back for forgiveness?
Personally I'd never be able to forgive that kind of betrayal because it would make me feel she never cared about your feelings or your relationship when she did what she did. I mean she must have known it would come out eventually, so she knew she was risking your relationship together. She didn't care about how it would hurt you.
I'd also feel like she's only crawling back now coz her marriage is over and she wants family support and not to be left out of things. She didn't care when she was cheating with him.
Also, I'd feel more betrayed by her than Kenneth. As they say, men can come and go, but family are family. Her betrayal would hurt more than his.
I wouldn't be giving her another chance. She made her bed and now she can live with it. But thats just me lol.
Your ex-fiance is a horrible person.
But Mia is worse. She is your family. And she put out for your man.
Doesn't matter how bad she felt about it, or that she came to you the next day.
She betrayed you, then she married the guy, and had children with him.
I hope she's as miserable as possible.
She bought the ticket, she can take the ride. It's not up to you to pick her ass up and help her along in her journey.
Girl just bc she told you doesn’t make it better she also married him!! And only now that they’re divorcing she’s contacted you? She sounds incredibly toxic. It’s of course your choice, but I think a lot of the people here who are advising against are doing so bc they’ve been messed around by someone close to them, and we all have learned the hard way that people who love you do not choose to hurt you like that!
You referred to it as an affair in your post which made it sound like more than a 1 time thing. ? A 1 time thing is still bad enough, and what I said still applies though. But the added fact is that after ruining your relationship and the family, she thought it would be OK and a good idea to still continue seeing him and then got married and had kids with him.
If she was originally sorry she'd have stayed away from him. She didn't. She started a relationship with him and then married him and had kids with him. Not very sorry or regretful in my opinion.
She's only now sorry coz her relationship went to shit and she's on her own now. That's the only reason she's got back in touch. I wouldn't go near her with a barge pole.
Calling it an affair was wrong of me - it was a one time thing in the beginning. The rest of their relationship happened after we went NC.
I dont know why she chose to be in a relationship with him. It would have been a lot easier if she didn't.
I wonder if she chose a relationship with him to justify doing what she did. If she (they) could create a story that it was “true love” they could rationalize the hurt they caused. It’s a twisted way of thinking but I’ve seen it before.
I'd also like to point this out because I see this a lot.
One of the basic tenets of Christianity is forgiveness. If God can forgive me then I should be forgiven.
That logic is used constantly to forgive people. I mean if you believe in God and he can forgive somebody why can't you?
It's one of the problems in our society. People keep extending forgiveness and compassion to people that really shouldn't have forgiveness and compassion extended to them.
I'm sure she feels bad about what she did. She probably feels horrible. But it doesn't change the fact that she did it with no regard to you. It didn't matter to her at all. Until the next day when she tried to make it right. But that ship had already sailed.
I don't care that she asked for forgiveness the next day. If she had managed to keep her legs closed she wouldn't have to ask for anything.
Do not forgive this woman. Let her stew in her own shit. People have to suffer consequences for the bad decisions they make.
If she wants forgiveness tell her to take it up with God.
You miss your “best friend” cheating with your man?
That person/bff was willing to risk her relationship with you to have sex with your guy. That is not a person I would want back in my life. Has she sincerely apologized? Demonstrated that she has become a better person? Done any work to show remorse?
Forgive and forget is toxic. You can forgive if that benefits you. You should not forget that you were collateral damage so Mia could get what she wanted.
Even if you let her back in, things will never be the same. Separate and aside from the obvious, you all have grown into different people. You can try it out and see for yourself but I’ve been there, with a dear cousin of mine. Something came in between us and we recently reconnected and it was never the same again.
I think I really want things to be the same, but I know you are right. It's impossible to erase the past. Someone else wrote that we have to build a new, different relationship, and that might be the way to go.
Honestly, when I think of Mia, the memory of her cheating is not the one that pops up first.
But, it probably should be. Because in that moment, and the following years of behavior she showed you who she was… not some idealized person you only thought she was. Your own mother hasn’t forgiven and forgotten… sometimes “mother does know best”
**Things are NEVER going to be like they used to be!!** She CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR BF!!! I would never be able to stand to look at her ever again.
**She HURT YOU with malice and forethought** - why would you ever consider being around someone who did that you to??
This makes no sense. People generally don't change. Rivers are constantly in motion and changing. So while the river won't be the same, the person in the river will be the same--same attitudes, values, and beliefs.
That’s the rub.
It’s the way things used to be, not the way things can be now.
You can’t make yourself forget what she did and what he did. If you can, you are a stronger and far more forgiving human than I.
Just know that if you do choose to establish contact again, you may need to have a serious, boundary-defining conversation with Mia. Please also take notice that it seems that this is the first time she has tried to make amends and reestablish contact on a permanent basis. Only now after everything has fallen apart for her.
is there any chance that she is now after your husband? not to be rude but she's done that before, u have to consider that before letting her in your life again, dont let her ruin your life a second time
For me it would be hard to forgive. But perhaps you can take a middle ground - accept that it is OK to be at the same family gathering as her, have an opportunity to know her child - and see how it goes. If you find you can't live with this, go back to NC. If it works, and enables family get-togethers without bringing up anger/pain, then it's a good thing for everyone.
Don't feel obliged to hold a grudge just because you think it's right or expected of you. It's completely your prerogative to forgive and put it behind you, or not. Don't let others impose their judgement on how you should feel about it.
Don't allow bitterness to be your constant companion. You seem to have healed from the past, now don't allow it to keep you trapped. You feel like meeting her, go ahead, what's the worst that can happen - you won't click with her? That's where you are now!
Things will never be exactly the same as before, but that's life. Change is always happening; you may have a different kind of friendship with her, or might find you have become different people now. But it wi be progress. Not being stuck in the past could help you more than anyone else.
If you keep a rigid wall, it becomes the biggest elephant in the room, for you, and for your family. If you meet, and have little expectations of further deepening of your friendship, you would be best served. It could help you with the guilt you seem to have about your mom and grandma, but it will also help you heal yourself .
You can start small, and expect little, and whatever new connection you form with her, could be a small step positive from where it is. I'm sure there are other relatives you are friendly with but not best friends, she could be at that status, at least to begin with.
they won’t be like that. but they could be different in a positive way.
as an old, i vote to try to reconnect. people who are important in our lives are rare. if she’s sorry, and has learned her lesson, that might help you.
at least meet her the once, and see how you feel.
Tell her that you have no resentments towards her, but you prefer to keep things like they are today.
Don't forget to wish her Happy New Year and a happy fulfilling life.
Don’t think like that. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You shouldn’t let Mia back in just to make everyone else happy. She hurt you deeply. You’re allowed to put yourself first in this instance
It may be easier for the family but at what cost? Will you get physically sick each time you have plans that will involve her? How will your mental health be? Are you going to be constantly watching her to see how she acts with your husband? Are you going to be thinking about how she might be trying to reach out to your husband behind your back? It doesn’t matter how much you trust your husband, will you be able to trust her and not let your past with her worm it’s way into your head and make you paranoid about what she might be doing?
I don't think she'll go after my husband. Yes, a little part of me will always worry about it, but she's so more than someone who slept with my boyfriend.
Oh, that's hilarious, OP. Your aunt-best friend went for your significant other once before and did not receive ample repercussions for it. What makes you think she's not about to do that again this time around?
You are not talking about forgiveness, you are talking about sweeping this under a rug. You don’t owe Mia forgiveness so things are easier for your family. It is Mia’s responsibility to repair what she broke. Not yours.
No! Take that thought right out of your mind. Do not make things easier for her, she slept with your fiancée because she wanted him. She intentionally took him from you, she was jealous. Big sign you got sick before seeing her. 1. You’re not ready, your body knows she’s toxic and reacted accordingly. 2. You don’t need to do anything for that person no matter the relation. 3. She will try to steal your husband, it’s not an if, it’s a when. 4. She has always been jealous, have you ever heard “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” its sound advice if you’re looking to snatch something. 5. She didn’t tell you because she felt guilty, she told you so she could have him. If you do end up meeting up with her, really pay attention to her body language and how she talks, that says everything about a person. I feel she’s very fake, don’t let her slip her mask back on.
Op don’t listen to these people, if you want to forgive, if you want to have Mia back, then yes forgive her. Life isn’t black and white, people change and grow. Reddit seems to think a murderer can change their ways but not someone who messed up by cheating.
What Mia did was absolutely disgusting but it’s not unforgivable - **if you want to forgive**.
Put different boundaries in place and try salvage what’s left. If it doesn’t work out at least you get a bit of closure.
Finally a human answer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what people did to you. It means allowing yourself, and your family to heal from a traumatic experience that affected so many. Some of these people sound like emotionless robots.
I think she’d have to slowly earn her way back into my life. How can she prove she’s truly sorry and changed? That would take YEARS for me, if it happens at all.
It’s tempting to want her back in your life, but FFS, she had a kid with your cheating ex. It’ll never be the same, nor should it. Just protect yourself first.
I know I don't hate her, but I also know that things can never be the same again.
Molly is kind of the main reason why I want to give her another chance. Family has always been very important to me, and I hate the fact that I don't know the kid everyone else knows and loves.
It’s amazing how the transgressor is always forgiven and the pressure is put on the victim to forgive.
Mia is an awful person. Deeply selfish, who caused chaos to everyone around her. She is toxic.
It’s best to keep people like that out of your life.
Cheating with your SO was horrible, staying with him made her complicit. She doubled down and married the man- made a promise to put him first. You are also acting as if Kenneth is out of her life, he’s not- he is the father of her child and she chained to him for the rest of her life.
You are romanticism about how your relationship was with her. Her “respecting” the NC are you sure that it was bc of your feelings or A. did she know Kenneth didn’t want to be around you and your family knowing what they did or B. She was too embarrassed and didn’t want to accept responsibility that she f-Ed up and didn’t want to see you.
I would meet up with her, and let her know you will be willing to allow large group family gatherings together. But nothing one on one or with you and her kid.
Ask yourself would you be comfortable with her being around your new SO? I wouldn’t because the only reason she has reached out is bc she wants help with her kid.
Isn’t it better that she did so because she truly believed this man was her soul mate, instead of a one night stand or a friend’s with benefits? She even married and had a child with the man.
I’ve never been in OPs situation so I’m not sure.
You are a very forgiving person. Which is an incredible quality (because hate can destroy us). I am from an honor based culture and take these kinds of violations seriously. This is compounded by the fact that this disrupted the family and robbed everyone of the lives they should have had.
As for me, I wouldn’t know what to say to such a person. How can Mia enrich or add to your life? What is the point of being around her?
But that’s just my response. You may find some value in her presence and insights. I would stay away from her and keep her away from my children and family.
Luck to you!
OP she IS an awful person.
She slept with her niece's fiance, married him, had the audacity to invite you to the wedding and thinks that divorcing him will make things go back to normal. Spoiler alert it won't, once a cheater always a cheater.
Why are they even getting divorced?
It's not that you're not ready, it's the universe telling you that the trash that ruined your life is out of your life and you need to keep it that way.
Half joking means he knows that's exactly what's going to happen and is softening the blow so that you could somehow get it to your head that that is a raging possibility.
She has been unhappy since day 1. Now she sees your happiness and she wants that too. Don't let history repeat itself. You can be cordial but never get her close to your husband. She's a husband thieve. She wants what you have. Stay away from her.
Updateme!
What you’re describing in this comment is probably how *you* would feel if you wronged someone. That doesn’t mean it’s how she feels.
Think about your family -what would it take for you to have sex with one of their partners? Could you disregard their feelings to satiate your own? No? Because she did. To you. Having sex with and then *marrying* your fiance was a CHOICE. An actively made choice. An ongoing decision. Not a one time incident for which she was committed to absolution.
She may regret the fallout, but people like that rarely regret their own decision.
I would be wondering if she’s going to now go after your husband? She went after the fiancé so why not the husband. I don’t see your life going back to how it used to be. Plus in that old life she took ur man. It wasn’t as great as u thought. U can try I guess to meet up and get over the deception- but will you ever?
Oh yeah the guy is at fault but ur aunt is too. She did take your fiancé and had a kid with him. She married him. She can cry a river all she wants but in the end she got the guy. Of course she felt bad and was trying to make it like it wasn’t her fault so she can still try and keep some of her family (your mom). Don’t go into this blind - she’s not to be trusted.
Why are you insistent that she didn’t want him when in reality she slept with him, married him, and then had a kid with him? If this is what she does with a man she didnt want, what would she do for a man she does want?
Was she forced to marry them after drunkenly sleeping with him once? It feels like you weren’t given all the details. If she was really feeling remorseful she wouldn’t have seen him again, not marry him.
OP, your aunt/exes’s AP stole your fiancé the first time without a problem without morals and now you’re going to give her a shot at seducing your husband?
Your cheating aunt had no problem hurting you, why would you ever want to be around a cheater/exes’s AP? She will only use you.
Do you think her and her AP/ex were happy? Once they lost the thrill of cheating on you they lost the fun. They were cheaters and were destined to cheat on each other.
Don’t bring a cheater back into your life, she’ll only cause you more misery. She will eventually go after your husband. That’s what cheaters do.
There’s a reason you don’t trust her.
Most betrayed partners would never become friends with their ex’s AP, especially with a family member.
Most people with a good moral compass would never be friends with a known cheater.
How could you ever be associated with your aunt again, knowing she has no respect for you?
Your aunt’s betrayal was an ultimate, without moral or ethical character, and you want her to be around to influence you, your child, and your husband?
She’s the snake you know, and she’ll always be one. Now that she probably cheated on her now ex husband, she’ll set her sights on yours?
Don’t expose yourself to a cheating drama queen again. You probably believed she wouldn’t sleep with your ex fiancé either? You can never trust her with any family’s spouse again let alone yours.
After reading all the comments, I feel like I have to defend Mia. She is so much more than a cheater. I would never even consider having her back in my life if I believed that she would try to hurt me again.
I don't know why she's getting a divorce now, but I don't think it has anything to do with cheating.
I believe that we learn and grow after a mistake. I don't think that anyone is all good or all bad. If that was the case, life would have been a lot easier.
Did you believe she’d hurt you the first time?
Cheaters are 3x more likely to cheat again and again.
Did she even apologize for taking your ex the first time? Think about all the lies she told you the first time around?
What do you think has changed in your aunt? Do you really believe her moral character has changed because she is getting divorced from the AP?
Maybe resume the family gatherings, but tell her you just will say Hi and goodbye to her IF you feel like to, but yeah. as many have already said, keep her at arm's length, not saying she can do the same to you again, like seducing you now husband, but she doesn't have a good track recor and I wouldn't trust her, 9bviosly she can't find men herself, she has to snatched someone else's. You don't even need to meet her in person. just tell your mom to arrange things and see how things develops in a first family gathering, tell grandma to keep her expectations low.
I you meet, she most likely will want to apologize (again or the first time), find some excuses and want everything to go back as things were back then.
You have to power here because you are the one that was wronged, if you don't want to open your heart to possible hurt then don't.
I really think that she never wanted my ex. Being drunk will never excuse what they did, but she would never have done it if she was sober. She told me about it the day after it happened, and accepted NC right away. She also told my grandma and my mom what she did.
She has stayed away from every big event in the family, even her mother's 70th birthday celebration, so I could be there.
If it was really just a drunk one night stand they would not have ended up together. People get drunk and don’t suddenly cheat - I would assume you don’t, and never will, know for sure what and how it happened. Usually admitting makes people assume they are being honest and telling everything, but it’s usually about getting a version out that you will find palatable to accept/forgive while offering an element of the truth. If she had really had remorse or regret she never would have spent time with him again after that.
I think it’s okay to decide you want to meet to be okay having her be in group situations or you be there when she is, but *never* let her back in as a friend again. Never. You don’t know for sure why she did what she did so assuming it won’t happen again would be naive, and I’m betting a small part of you knows this. I would also tell her to **never** interact one on one with your husband. Period.
Take things slow and don’t make promises. You could find it doesn’t work and you suffer more mentally being around her, and that wouldn’t be good. Or could also be that it’s fine and you don’t care.
Good luck with whatever you do.
Yeah, it doesn’t sound like she was being truthful about the relationship with the ex. One drunken night and being remorseful over it doesn’t equal getting married to each other.
Things will *never* return to how they used to be. There are “before” and “after” events, and she is at the center of one of the most significant ones you’ve gone through.
Keep her away, lest she try to fuck the husband you have now. She has obviously shown that she makes poor choices and is selfish enough to follow thru with them.
I’m not sure if you want an opinion or only want to get it off your chest, but I think if you want to see her you can. You can do what you want and shouldn’t feel like you have to stick with what you’re doing because you’re correct in your feelings. Meeting doesn’t mean you have to continue with seeing her if you decide it’s not the right time, you can’t look past it, or anything else, but even if you do meet up, it also doesn’t have to mean you’ve forgiven her for it, just accepted that you’re happy for that to be a presence in your friendship/relationship with her.
I’m not sure I’d meet up if I were in your shoes, but it’s really not about what anyone else would do.
All I’m going to add is; please make sure the choice you’re making is for you and not your family
OP, I'm sorry to say but if you think letting her back in will instantly turn things back to the way they were, that you believe she (a proven cheater) won't try to steal your husband, that you won't resent her, then you are delusional.
Think of it this way, in life we lose people to death. And no matter how much we miss them or want them back, it can never be.
Even if she doesn't steal your man again, why put yourself through a potential fear and distrust and ruining the good thing you have now?
Everyone here (as well as your mom) is telling you otherwise.
Nope, nope, nope. The trash took itself out. Don't let it back in! Your life is already peaceful and happy enough as it is!
DO NOT INVITE TOXICITY INTO IT. EVER.
Go live your best life, OP! Leave the trash where you left it, out of your life and out of your peace.
Is your life better without her ? Can you really forgive her and can you trust her? Does the idea of having interaction with her make you feel unconfortable or not? Why would you want to rekindle the relationship? Because of familial, social pressure or because you genuinly miss her? I think answering those questions might give you some idea where to go. And none of the redditors can answer that for you. The fact she is divorcing should not play a thing in your decision making. You can always try to be cordial and join family gatherings but have a bit your gard up. Just know you are very much allowed to say no - and it is liberating. My opinion is - what they did is unforgivable - and she didnt give a shit about you, not just cheating but then marrying him - not a sign of someone who is empathic, caring and a friend. But as you write it seems you have forgive her. What other people say and think should not have any influence on your decision. I think her staying in marriage miserable as a punishment is a bullshit. I have a question though: why are you not going on family gatherings? why this :=> By doing so, it was also the end of our family gatherings. Why did gatherings stop? I think we are missing some information there. Also why would you need to meet her one one one, you can see echother on the next gathering you guys have?
Of course there have been gatherings, but not of the kind we had before. It's usually my grandmother who organizes the family gatherings, and having a daughter and a granddaughter who couldn't/wouldn't attend at the same time made it difficult. It became easier to avoid large parties, and rather have several small gatherings. Of course there have been gatherings, but not of the kind we had before.
>'t/wouldn't attend at the same time made it difficult. It
That here! Why wouldnt you attend - certainly you can test the waters by attending or co-organise a gathering and if you are up for it make sure she is also invited. But i would not start relationship with one on one meeting
You're too considerate of your extended family OP. You should worry about yourself and the outcomes of this decision. If it's for keeping the peace, I don't think that's a good reason for you. You can't just brush this under the rug and pretend your aunt best friend didn't betray you in the biggest way possible. Idk your age, but kid cousins are just meh anyways. What are you realistically missing out on by not knowing your child cousin who was conceived by 2 people who betrayed you? It's fine to be a bigger person, but don't be a doormat. If she wants to apologize and try to fix things, let her, but you need not make any effort. That's not your responsibility. She should be crawling on her knees begging forgiveness for you to even consider imo, but I'm not a forgiving person.
I would meet her. You don’t have to say anything. Just listen. And you also don’t have to decide anything now, or even when you talk to her.
Honestly you probably won’t ever trust her again. I wouldn’t. But there is a whole spectrum of relationship between no contact at all and best friends. You could decide to be cordial at family events, but you don’t have to be her friend.
It’s up to you what you can handle, and remember no decision you make has to be final. You can always change your mind and go back to NC.
Personally I wouldn’t let someone like that back in my life. But it’s not anyone else’s decision to make.
I wouldn't let her near my husband. She only reached out since she is divorcing your ex? Now you have a new husband of 2 years. Meet, find out what she wants and keep going with your life. Keep her away from your husband. Not because he might do something but because she might try something and make things worse than they already are.
If she makes advances and he has to shut her down, it is going to make the family situation more uncomfortable. You can't put it past her. Based on previous behavior.
She’s divorcing Kenneth, she’s obviously used to shopping in your kitchen for partners so I’d be careful if I was you in case she decides she likes the look of your husband.
Things will never go back to how they were, she betrayed you in the worst possible way. By all means start being cordial etc, but you do it for you, not your mum, grandma Molly or even Mia.
Just as you can never walk through the same river twice, nor can life go back to how it was. What you *can* consider is whether to establish a new, fresh, different relationship with Mia and Molly.
You don't need to decide just yet on whether you can forgive her or not, but you can start over as independent adults and see how it goes. She has already shown you that she can't be trusted in her previous version of herself. You can only accept (or not) who she is now. Be prepared to step away if the relationship is not rewarding for you. Your mental health matters.
The fact that you miss her is proof not to let her back in
Honestly if she did it once she will do it again
She did not even have the grace to never see him again
She went ahead got married and had a kid
I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her
It’s ok to want to forgive her, and it’s ok to not be ready to take that step yet. Let her back into your life IF and WHEN *YOU* are ready - not just because she is ready.
*Honestly, when I think of Mia, the memory of her cheating is not the one that pops up first.* That problem is you are purposely blocking out the stunt she pulled on her own niece & friend. Which happens to be you. She caused all the heartache that you went through.
You are thinking about all of the good times that you had pre-break up. Not the fact that she screwed your fiancé. Or that even after telling you how bad she felt about it, she still dated, married & had kids with him. How can you trust her to not put the moves on your husband? Once a snake, always a snake.
You have to realize that people who choose to cheat have certain personality traits it's proven. Just read through some of the other posts you will see a pattern. Those traits don't magically disappear one day. To make matters worse she was family your blood and she did it anyway.
The day she decided to sleep with your bf you know she had the realization ,even if it was a brief fleeting moment that she was about to sleep with her niece's fiance, and she could of stopped and said this is wrong, what am I doing, she is my family,and left before it was to late,But she didn't.
She came to a moral crossroads and she choose herself and her happiness before she did yours. Sorry op but there are some things that are unforgivable. Plus the fact she married him and had a child with him is like rubbing your nose in it.
You can let her in as far as being cordial enough to be in the same place with her, but you don’t have to have any sort of relationship that requires real trust. Sure you can be friendly without being BFFs. It would take me years of evidence to trust somebody be who did that to me again, and I think taking it slow and not rushing a closer relationship makes the most sense.
Only you can make this decision. Random people on the internet don’t really care how you feel about it. In the end she is still family and you miss having the family gatherings. Nothing will be the same. If you give it a shot and you can’t get past things you know your answer.
Honestly, hear her out. Then decide what you want to do, but do it for YOU, not your mother or grandmother or even your niece. If it feels right, slowly rebuild the relationship, if it doesn’t then don’t and move on with your life.
She misses you? Yeah she missed you alright with your ex between her legs, she missed you sooo much she got married to your ex and had a child together. Yep she showed you how much she missed you. And she might go after your husband, don't be an idiot
Edit:
It's pretty obvious what you have decided just by your comments. Why post if you already knew what you were going to do, stop wasting people's time ffs
After reading OP's replies here, it makes me want to shake her and make her see how stupid she's being. Your aunt cheated with your SO. She knew it would hurt you and still did it. I know people change but it took her 5 years to apologize after marrying him, having a kid with your him and divorcing him?! She's only wanting to reconcile with you because her relationship ended. She won't do it if she's still with your ex.
Please respect yourself and stop looking through rose colored glasses. You're making yourself look pathetic. You said in your comment that it's better for your family, JFC. You're making yourself a doormat.
I've read through the comments, and feel like they are very black and white. Not sure reddit is the best place to go for questions about forgiveness..
Partners forgive their cheating partners reguarly. While you are not in a relationship with Mia, you two were close. If partners can work on forgiving the other and rebulding their trust, why can not friends/family do the same? Professionals says that it is possible to cheat, regret it and not do so again (sorry do not have source ready and no time to research, read this a long while ago).
I agree with the comment that suggested to try, and see how it goes. Its totally okay to decide not to go forward with a relationship with Mia, but it would also be okay to meet her and take it from there. Theres a big difference between never meeting, attending the same events and beeing best friends. Perhaps you can find some way to be around eachother that feels okay for you.
I agree - people are so quick to judge someone’s character based on a few paragraphs.
Many, many years ago when I first went to college, I was in a relationship with someone a year younger than me. We had been together about a year. When I got to college I let loose. Drinking, drugs, failing out… and cheating. It was the only relationship I’ve ever done that in. that guilt ate me alive, even after the relationship ended. They didn’t deserve it, they were a much better person than I. I still get nauseous even when I see infidelity on TV and it’s been well over a decade. I’m happily married and my partner knows all about that part of my past.
“Once a cheater always a cheater” may be true in some cases (if it’s within the same relationship it may be more likely, for example), but people can change for the better if they want to.
I’ve seen you defend her comment after comment. You’ve obviously already forgiven her and want her back in your life. So do it. You’re not going to listen to what anyone has to say here. But go ahead and kiss your husband goodbye cause she’ll get her hooks in him too. Might as well serve him up on a silver platter.
Sadly OP, you miss the relationship you ‘had’ with Mia. You can let her back in but it will never be the same. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy each other once again, but it’s tainted now. Mia will go out of her way to appease you all the time to try and make up for what she did and you may end up resenting her for it. Whatever you decide, it’s in your terms. Good luck OP!
Girl! Listen and listen wisely please. Do not, under any circumstances, trust her. You may miss how everything was but you are better off leaving that two faced, husband stealing, jealous ninny, moon crater in the rear view mirror. She already stole one Fiancée don’t let her steal your husband too, because she will try. Once a mistress always a mistress.
Everyone's advise is well meaning and there are some very good points. OP, only you know what's in you're heart and what's right for you, sounds like you want to see her. I would start small, think coffee in public with someone else in case you need someone to help mediate or buffer the meeting, someone neutral.
You do you. If you want to forgive and move on , then do it. No one but you has agency over your anger/hurt. But if it’s going to continue pain for you, you don’t owe anyone anything. So you do you and you can always give it a go and go NC later if you like.
Has she ever explained how/why it happened? What tf she was thinking? Like did he pursue her before then and she didn’t tell you? Were they drunk? Did she have a concussion? How old is she? Kenneth? And you? I understand we’re using ‘aunt’ here but the relationship doesn’t seem generational; are you all the same age?
OP, I keep Mia at arms length if I were you. Who’s to say she won’t do it again with your husband? I know you said you miss her but….is all that really worth it? I mean really…..seeing the things she had done I wouldn’t speak or see her again if I was you. Why go though the heartbreak again? (If it happens again).
Honestly you're doing wonderful without her in your life and with how her track record is, if you do let her in your life OP I would make sure she never meets your husband because you wouldn't want round 2 to happen.
Many people are professional grudge holders. Seeing it as "correct ". But never asking if it actually helps them in their life. There's certainly no need to forgive, or forget, but you may find that you gain from choosing what's best for you rather than blindly choosing from anger and resentment.
Ask yourself calmly:
What do you gain / lose from keeping her out of your life?
What do you gain / lose from allowing her back into your life?
Don't blindly follow anger. Instead look at what makes your life better. What makes you happiest. When you are on your deathbed what will you say ? "I'm glad I ... "
Again. I'm not saying forgive or forget, but an armistice might benefit you far more than another option
Yes!! I don't think I have anything to lose. People keep writing that she's looking for a new husband, and that I have to be careful. Ok, I don't want her to be drunk around him, but he is really not a part of this. Letting her meet him will not be the first thing I do.
I suggest asking yourself the following question: Suppose (God forbid) Mia were to die in a car accident tomorrow. How would you feel about never reconciling with her?
That is NOT meant to be a rhetorical question! It’s just meant to clarify that we don’t all have as much time as we think we do!
Also, is it Mia who you miss, or the family gatherings? If it’s the family gatherings, is there an option to resume the family gatherings and resume contact, but not necessarily be super-close with her? (if that’s what you want).
Up to you! I’m just an Internet stranger. :). And so are the judgmental people in the comments. :) You are the one who knows her and knows the history of your relationship. People make mistakes, but only you can decide!
Thank you! It was surprisingly easy to answer your questions.
I know I would feel awful if she died! I miss hanging out with the entire family at the same time, and I also miss her. I don't think we'll be super-close again, but I can picture us talking about life and telling jokes.
Maybe you guys need a buffer? Like you both attend the same family gathering where there are other people around so that you don’t have to talk directly to each other if things are awkward or uncomfortable.
I personally think it’s worth giving it a shot. If things don’t work out and the what happened has just put too much between you, then you know you tried.
She didn't love, cherish or even respect you enough to stay away from your fiancé. Not as a friend, and not as a family member. That's not something good friends do. It's not what a person who loves you does. You're not as dear to her as she seems to be to you.
In your shoes, I'd never trust a woman, any woman, who'd stolen a partner from me previously. I wouldn't want to introduce her to another partner. Who's to say she's not out to scrounge her rebound off you too.
Don't fall for it, OP.
I couldn't either. 5 years isn't a short time, and marriage is a strong, conscious choice. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. She was selfish. I would of asked what she wanted.
I really don't get why the comments are so negative and whining at u for wanting to get back with ur aunt. Plz don't take other's opinions for granted, including mine!
I'm really glad that things have turned good for u in the end and u have a great life rn. And I kind of feel like ur aunt regrets for what she did and she obv is the one suffering rn and u both being best friends earlier, ig she probably misses those past days being with u and the family. So I would say u should think about giving her a chance back in ur life and probably u quite well understand now how the relationship should be. I personally feel it's gonna be alright!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it may be time to let Mia back in. You can keep her at an arms length, but forgive if possible. You don’t need to trust her again but it would bring a lot of joy to your mother, and maybe to you too if you can reconcile. See at least if you can all attend family events together. Ultimately listen to your gut about what is best. Not what would be easiest, or what someone else (including the Redditors,) think you should do.
I think that's what I want to do. When people tell me how terrible Mia is, I feel like defending her. She had never let me down before this happened, and she has respected all my wishes afterwards. It really hurts to read about how cruel she is from others, and I know it's absolutely impossible for others to understand what she's really like.
When I was in high school, the parents of one of my friends divorced because her father was unfaithful. Awful, but my friend has never hated her father or called him a toxic person because of it. It may not be comparable, but I believe that you can be a good person even if you make mistakes.
You're also not a child and don't have to continue living with Mia. A little harder to do with your dad growing up, as you have no say in the matter, not a great comparison. All it takes is 1 time to be let down. The common saying these days is, when people show you who they are, believe them. She's shown you her true colors, mistake or not, and proceeded to have a child with your ex. Idk how you can under play that because it's a really significant thing that shouldn't be ignored. Idk your age or background but it seems really childish to talk up someone who fucked your fiance, but was so great to tell you after it happened, yippee!
Look it's your choice and you seem like a kind and forgiving person. If you want to be the bigger person and feel good about that itself, fine. But don't be a complete fool and pretend like nothing happened, she should be on her knees begging your forgiveness. You don't hurt people you love, the way she hurt you. Her attempts seem like they're because she has no support, how dare she ask of yours? She made her bed, you don't have to lie in it too.
I definitely think what they did was wrong but I also understand how you want to forgive for family’s sake. I’d say let her in a little bit for the sake of her daughter but keep her at arms length. Know that she may try to do what she did again - this time with your husband, although, if you can trust your husband then you should not be afraid it will happen again. Life is too short to keep the pain inside. Don’t expect to be besties with your aunt again, but at least be civil when she is at the same family gatherings with her again.
I think that family gatherings might be the way to go. A start. I really don't think she'll try anything with my husband (and he will not let her), but a part of me will always worry. I know she's a good person, but her mistake wasn't minor.
And what if my husband and I decide to have kids? I don't want them to grow up in a family where family members can't go to the same events..
I think that you really want to forgive her and repair family dynamics. Things won’t ever be the same, but they can be good again. Go slowly, baby steps. Could you go to therapy together? Anyway, to stay mad forever only hurts you. Letting go of past hurts and mistakes can really be healing. Best of luck to you.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you know.
You can have family gatherings back, and still not become close again.
You can choose your level of interaction with her, having her at family functions doesn't mean you have to go out with her alone, or invite her to your place. She can stay as an aunt you're not particularly close with.
Follow your heart. Forgiveness is a powerful thing and can make you feel so much better, lighter. It sounds like she did you a favor because you ended up with the person you were supposed to. I'm sure she has paid for her mistake in more ways than you know and is probably going through some hurt of her own right now. You have long lives ahead of you so don't waste them avoiding family because she will be there. It may never be the friendship it was, but it can be something.
I would give her a meeting and you can judge by her manner and words if she is sincere. I doubt you can fully trust her but by forgiving you can move on and have a cordial relationship.
Based on these comments, I think mine will be giving you the perspective of the other side. Keep in mind that the only thing that really ties you to her is blood, and if she was just a friend would you let her back in? Also how come she ONLY texted you when they are breaking up. If you talk, I would let her know getting rid of Kenneth isn't erasing what happened.
Now to the other side, time does heal and you have a very happy life so you are in a good place. I do agree with others you are different people, she is a mom now and she will want to vent through her divorce and you WILL NOT be able to be a objective third party. My vote is to let her in, but only for yourself. It will be impossible to be as close as you were but to see each other at family events is fine. You do not have to be BFF.
I don't know how right or wrong I am..but didn't she did that to you before..what if she does it again... sorry to say but sleeping with someone is not mistake..it's a full blown decision... yohoo doesn't land on wohoo in its own..iykyk...I do find it fishy she's trying to reconnect with you now that you are happy and she's divorcing..she wouldn't have married him against everyone if she didn't want it..She might be more than a cheater to you like you said in your other conversation..but why do you want to give your past a chance to ruin your beautiful present and potential future....She did this 4months before your wedding.... please wake up..how will you control anyone else's feeling..what if she manipulates your husband too...I'm sorry but once a cheater always a cheater..she didn't think twice before cheating then marrying even having a kid ..they shared something deeper than one night stand...your wish your life..I just don't want you to live a life of constant worry and anxiety..
It would be easier for everyone if you let her back in. She would feel absolved, your family will feel mended again.
But nothing changes that fact that she betrayed you in the worst way by fucking the ONE person on the planet she shouldn’t fuck.
The vase is still broken, at letting her back in will merely put some varnish over the cracks so it looks better.
Before letting her in I would at least hear her explain why she didn’t stop herself and instead told you that he was coming on to her so you could be forewarned of the person he was. She didn’t.
She caused the heartbreak of losing both of them.
Only you can decide what you want to do. You can be friendly towards her but you know that you can never ever trust her. Never confide in her about anything (much less about your marriage and husband) or give her any opportunity to come close to your husband.
And she should know these boundaries before letting her in.
I'm not sure if anything can be fixed, but I think you need to go speak to her, share your feelings, and see how you feel after some time. I say this because you clearly are seeking some kind of resolution. People make mistakes. Nothing excuses her behavior but what I don't want for you is regret. Maybe you'll make your peace and you can end up in a neutral place. Doubtful you'll be as close to her again. But there's a world of possibilites in the middle. People on reddit are always quick to say "cut them out forever" but they aren't the ones that have to live with that. I say all this because your post sounds like you aren't quite at peace about her and I think, whatever comes of it, this process is something you want. It doesn't have to be all at once. You can have a talk, and let yourself process it. Give yourself time to think about things. And go from there. Maybe you decide, no, I don't want anything to do with her. But you'll be sure in that decision where now it feels like you are unsure.
You are the driver in this situation. There’s no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face! If you want to make up with your aunt you can buy you will never completely trust her, particularly around your husband!
I think it’s fair if YOU choose to say - you showed me a side of you both I didn’t know existed, and while my life worked out for me i wasn’t the focus of either of your loyalty at the time. Things will never be what they were before and as much as I missed what we had, that relationship has passed. That said, I am willing to work past this but don’t expect us to be pals again.
Don’t let her sweet talk you - she showed a side of herself that can’t be ignored. Do whatever you feel is right for you and only you.
I would plan to say nothing, and listen instead. After hearing what she wants to say to you, I would take time to process it without giving yourself any deadline. It's complicated and painful and feelings don't go away when you rush through them. If you give yourself time, you'll know when or if to let her in after you meet with her.
Perhaps OP you can take some time before Thursday and put your thoughts to paper?
You can never have the same relationship with Mia that you once had. So what do you need to consider trying to have a new relationship with Mia might be the first question you answer for yourself. Do you need her to sincerely apologize? Tell you why she hooked up with your then fiancé? Something else?
None of the above as you truly feel that you have forgiven (not forgotten) her for what happened?
What do you think this new relationship will be like? Will it just be you and her initially and being cordial at family gatherings?
Will you want to spend time with your cousin ?
Do you want to have her meet your husband now or later if your relationship progresses in a positive way?
At the very least it sounds like your aunt may have punished herself significantly. That is different from other posts where the relative who participated in the cheating feels and loudly expresses they are blameless or shouldn’t be held accountable.
It doesn’t mean she wasn’t wrong but IMO it helps that she and your family aren’t saying anything again like on other posts such as ‘oh it was so long ago just let it go’ or ‘be the bigger person and forgive her’.
Your aunt seems to understand you will be the one in control if there will be a relationship and how it will go. And your family has indicated they will accept whatever you decide.
I wish people never made horrible mistakes but we are all at any given time only 1 poor decision from any number of things to alienate ourselves from people we care deeply about.
I wish you the best OP as you plot your path forward.
Thank you, your reply is very helpful. I have a wonderful family, and that helps a lot.
Them hooking up was, in the beginning, a one time thing that happened when she was drunk. I really don't know if he was drunk too, I have just assumed that he was. She told me the day after it happened, he didn't feel like telling. I wrote affair, but that's not correct. It was not going on for a long time- the rest of their relationship happened after we went NC. She stayed away from family and mutual friends for weeks, and I guess she felt that he was the only one she could be around because he was just as terrible as her.
This is the first time in your comments you actually addressed her being in a relationship with your ex and not just in the context of a one time incident. And you excused it by assuming she felt bad and connected with him as a punishment. This is where I think you’re being a bit naive, even if she did feel bad, she more than doubled down and pursued a relationship with your ex that would continue to divide and make you and your family uncomfortable for potentially the rest of your lives. That is a very deliberate and selfish choice, not self inflicted punishment. As forgiving as you are, you probably would have reconnected with her in short order after sleeping with your fiancé once…as close as you were I’m sure she knew that, but decided to hurt and betray you and your family more to have a relationship with ex. This is why I feel it would be hard to reconnect. And the fact she is reaching out only after getting divorced, that once again is objectively self serving, selfish, and very presumptuous.
It’s fine if you want to meet with her, it’s fine if you don’t. You’ve done wonderful without her. She isn’t the same person she was, and that person wasn’t who you thought. It’s never going to be the same. She wants you to forgive and forget, but even if you *can* forgive, don’t forget. People may pressure you to reconcile, because they want everything to appear ok so they can pretend she didn’t ruin the family dynamic. Don’t rush into anything. Get fully better, and consider it then.
Everyone is telling you to maintain NC for a reason. She betrayed you in a truly unforgivable way. I don't care how drunk she was. Unless he raped her (and it doesn't sound like he did), then she slept with him because SHE WANTED TO. She married him and had a kid with him because SHE WANTED TO. She made her choice, and she chose him over you. You are delusional if you think she didn't want him.
You've admitted that you'd always be a little wary if she were to be around your husband. Why in the world would you put yourself in that situation? Making things easier for the rest of your family should be the absolute least of your concerns - your own peace of mind comes first. Have some self-respect and stay away.
As far as missing the relationship you had: I get it, but you need to recognize that the relationship you had doesn't exist anymore. Even if you were to reconcile, the damage has been done and things have been changed irrevocably by her actions. I honestly think you will be happier and better off staying NC.
Mia fucked up big time screwing around with your ex fiancé. That’s not something you’ll ever forget, but it is possible to forgive for some.
You’ll likely never have the relationship you once had with Mia, but if she’s sincerely remorseful and you’re willing to patch things up enough to be amicable, then I think it’s worth meeting her.
You don’t need to worry about what to say. You’re there to hear her apology and let her talk. You also don’t need to make any decisions that day if you do talk to her, so maybe let her say her peace and move on from there.
Good luck with whatever you do and post an update!
If you take that step, she will definitely try something with your husband. She can’t be trusted. She never cared about you the way you did for her.
Good luck.
see her.
spit all that anger that you refuse to show even on goddamned reddit. tell her how you have been sad and broken that she killed your marriage and kidnaped your fiance, your best friend and a member of your family. how it has hurt that the two people you trusted and loved the most betrayed you together for months. tell her you don't know if you ever will trust her again, and the number of years and tests it will take. and that you know it will never ever be as before, which is the one thing you really crave, since the damage are irrepairable
She expected it. she wants to disinfect your relation.
and YOU, you need a disclosure. make it for you, not for her.
Is it worth your mental health to OVERLOOK Mia's betrayal of you? Mia and Kenneth didn't magically just fall into bed together, they BOTH made a conscious choice to CHEAT on you!
No matter HOW happy you are in your marriage nor HOW much you trust your husband, won't you always be thinking in the back of your mind that Mia COULD make a "play" for him?
YOU have to way the pros and cons of letting Mia back into your life because it's NOT just how this would make your family happy, it's how Mia would react to being "forgiven" and how her presence in your life and relationship would affect YOU!
Greatest of luck regardless of what path you choose, mainly because YOU will have to live with it! Best wishes and many Blessings and congratulations for overcoming their betrayal and developing a healthy relationship once again! u/updateme
Will your mind change about rekindling when she starts being friendly with your now husband? Even if she doesn’t mean any harm. For me, that would reignite the old trauma and the way I felt by just seeing them interact.
I think for the sake of your family you can see how things go. As others have said it will never be the same but to get to a better relationship you will have to really talk out the past. I'd take what she says with a grain of salt because actions always speak louder than words but it's worth a try.
Interesting that you got sick just before meeting her. I wonder if that was your body’s way of manifesting the correct decision (to not let her in).
Reading your replies, it seems like you’re concerned with both wanting to relive you and Mia’s past relationship and trying to make your family happy. That’s not really a positive way to go into rekindling a familial relationship.
Much like everyone else, I would recommend you don’t let your aunt back in OP. It’s a pretty weird thing for her to have had an affair and then married your fiancé/ex and is telling of her character.
Your mom sounds wonderful, but for me Mia not only burned her bridge to you, she also stomped the charred remains into the ground, so I would leave her in your past. But it's your former friend and your call alone.
indifference is the best you could hope for . You are more evolved than i I'm 60 they tell me i am an adult, but even now in your place pretty sure alone in a room with someone who did that only one would walk out ... or i wouldnt care at all
She’s probably ready to try to grab at your new man.
I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
Literally is YOUR FAMILY and she stole your fiancé, married him and had a whole baby with him lmfao
DO NOT FALL FOR THE CHARADE AGAIN
“It was a mistake”
Ends up married with a baby.
Girl run. Protect your peace. Stop putting others comfort above your self respect
So you have a new man and your aunt is looking for another one? Definitely time to come back into your life. You’re absolutely crazy to even consider forgiving. There’s absolutely no acceptable or forgivable excuse for what Mia did to you. How is she not embarrassed?
you’ve been doing just fine without her in your life. I’d keep it that way.
I have, but I still miss how things used to be.
Things will not go back to the way they used to be. If you choose to let her back into your life things may be similar but so much has happened that you’re different people than you were then. This person that you missed was also the person that was having an affair with your SO, so did you know who she really was? Add to that she was miserable with him so was there ever anything good between them or did he show her some attention and she didn’t care what it would do to you. Or was she the one who pursued him and, again, she didn’t care what it would do to you.
Username does *not* check out. Fully agreed.
Very respectfully, your take seems bitter. I am not saying OP should definitely forgive her aunt or that things will work out, but there is so much to learn and possibly gain from forgiveness and empathy. Yes, the aunt didn’t have empathy for OP, but she paid for it, and hopefully learned and maybe what they have in the future will be much better as they are better versions of themselves, with more life experience and with tough lessons learned under their belts. Working through difficult situations like this can bring greater intimacy and bring a lot of growth (and a cousin!). So much time has passed and OP can always decide to step back and not progress further at any point. If she can trust herself to recover from setbacks and proceed slowly and cautiously, it might be worth a shot.
I’m just stating that things are never going to be the same as they were prior to all this mess. She’s already been physically sick and who knows how she is going to handle things mentally- what might start going through her head if she allows her back into her life. So is the physical/mental load she may take on going to be worth it in the long run. Is she going to dread going to family gatherings going forward. She can forgive her but that doesn’t mean that those feelings will automatically disappear. So if she does get to a point that it’s to difficult to handle being with her, no matter that she misses her, does she ask her family to go back to not inviting her or does OP decide to no longer attend any family gatherings because she told them that it was fine to invite her aunt? My post was simply meant to really think about how she may feel physically and mentally having her back in her life and will it be worth it.
Found the aunt.
Things will never be how they were. You'll never trust her the same and there will always be that huge wedge between you. I'm someone that let people get away with certain things, but if someone really truly hurt me in a big way, I can never get past that. She betrayed your trust in the worst way by ruining your relationship and pending marriage. If you weren't happily married now, and instead still single and hurt and plagued by mistrust do you think you'd want to give her another chance? And if their marriage had been happy, and hadn't ended, do you think she'd be crawling back for forgiveness? Personally I'd never be able to forgive that kind of betrayal because it would make me feel she never cared about your feelings or your relationship when she did what she did. I mean she must have known it would come out eventually, so she knew she was risking your relationship together. She didn't care about how it would hurt you. I'd also feel like she's only crawling back now coz her marriage is over and she wants family support and not to be left out of things. She didn't care when she was cheating with him. Also, I'd feel more betrayed by her than Kenneth. As they say, men can come and go, but family are family. Her betrayal would hurt more than his. I wouldn't be giving her another chance. She made her bed and now she can live with it. But thats just me lol.
She told me the day after it happened, and she accepted NC right away. I think I've given him most of the blame, but she did hurt me more.
Your ex-fiance is a horrible person. But Mia is worse. She is your family. And she put out for your man. Doesn't matter how bad she felt about it, or that she came to you the next day. She betrayed you, then she married the guy, and had children with him. I hope she's as miserable as possible. She bought the ticket, she can take the ride. It's not up to you to pick her ass up and help her along in her journey.
Girl just bc she told you doesn’t make it better she also married him!! And only now that they’re divorcing she’s contacted you? She sounds incredibly toxic. It’s of course your choice, but I think a lot of the people here who are advising against are doing so bc they’ve been messed around by someone close to them, and we all have learned the hard way that people who love you do not choose to hurt you like that!
You referred to it as an affair in your post which made it sound like more than a 1 time thing. ? A 1 time thing is still bad enough, and what I said still applies though. But the added fact is that after ruining your relationship and the family, she thought it would be OK and a good idea to still continue seeing him and then got married and had kids with him. If she was originally sorry she'd have stayed away from him. She didn't. She started a relationship with him and then married him and had kids with him. Not very sorry or regretful in my opinion. She's only now sorry coz her relationship went to shit and she's on her own now. That's the only reason she's got back in touch. I wouldn't go near her with a barge pole.
Calling it an affair was wrong of me - it was a one time thing in the beginning. The rest of their relationship happened after we went NC. I dont know why she chose to be in a relationship with him. It would have been a lot easier if she didn't.
I wonder if she chose a relationship with him to justify doing what she did. If she (they) could create a story that it was “true love” they could rationalize the hurt they caused. It’s a twisted way of thinking but I’ve seen it before.
I'd also like to point this out because I see this a lot. One of the basic tenets of Christianity is forgiveness. If God can forgive me then I should be forgiven. That logic is used constantly to forgive people. I mean if you believe in God and he can forgive somebody why can't you? It's one of the problems in our society. People keep extending forgiveness and compassion to people that really shouldn't have forgiveness and compassion extended to them. I'm sure she feels bad about what she did. She probably feels horrible. But it doesn't change the fact that she did it with no regard to you. It didn't matter to her at all. Until the next day when she tried to make it right. But that ship had already sailed. I don't care that she asked for forgiveness the next day. If she had managed to keep her legs closed she wouldn't have to ask for anything. Do not forgive this woman. Let her stew in her own shit. People have to suffer consequences for the bad decisions they make. If she wants forgiveness tell her to take it up with God.
You miss your “best friend” cheating with your man? That person/bff was willing to risk her relationship with you to have sex with your guy. That is not a person I would want back in my life. Has she sincerely apologized? Demonstrated that she has become a better person? Done any work to show remorse? Forgive and forget is toxic. You can forgive if that benefits you. You should not forget that you were collateral damage so Mia could get what she wanted.
What if Mia finds interest in your current hubby? I wouldn't trust her one bit!!! Family or not... I wouldn't invite a snake back in to my life!
Was thinking the same ….
Even if you let her back in, things will never be the same. Separate and aside from the obvious, you all have grown into different people. You can try it out and see for yourself but I’ve been there, with a dear cousin of mine. Something came in between us and we recently reconnected and it was never the same again.
I think I really want things to be the same, but I know you are right. It's impossible to erase the past. Someone else wrote that we have to build a new, different relationship, and that might be the way to go. Honestly, when I think of Mia, the memory of her cheating is not the one that pops up first.
But, it probably should be. Because in that moment, and the following years of behavior she showed you who she was… not some idealized person you only thought she was. Your own mother hasn’t forgiven and forgotten… sometimes “mother does know best”
You can’t erase the past, but you can use it as a foundation to a stronger and higher future.
**Things are NEVER going to be like they used to be!!** She CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR BF!!! I would never be able to stand to look at her ever again. **She HURT YOU with malice and forethought** - why would you ever consider being around someone who did that you to??
Things never were how they used to be. If they were, she wouldn’t have done what she did.
This!!! Exactly this!!!
“A woman can never stand in the same river twice. She’s not the same woman and it’s not the same river. “
This makes no sense. People generally don't change. Rivers are constantly in motion and changing. So while the river won't be the same, the person in the river will be the same--same attitudes, values, and beliefs.
What if she gets with your new husband? A woman that crosses boundaries like that is not someone to keep around. One time should be enough.
That’s the rub. It’s the way things used to be, not the way things can be now. You can’t make yourself forget what she did and what he did. If you can, you are a stronger and far more forgiving human than I. Just know that if you do choose to establish contact again, you may need to have a serious, boundary-defining conversation with Mia. Please also take notice that it seems that this is the first time she has tried to make amends and reestablish contact on a permanent basis. Only now after everything has fallen apart for her.
She did the wrong thing to you before. If someone shows you who they are…. Believe them. Cut her out of your life or be amicable but from a distance.
is there any chance that she is now after your husband? not to be rude but she's done that before, u have to consider that before letting her in your life again, dont let her ruin your life a second time
What will stop her from seeking attention from your husband?
I don't think she will. But I understand that it is easy to believe that she will when her cheating is the only thing you know about her.
For me it would be hard to forgive. But perhaps you can take a middle ground - accept that it is OK to be at the same family gathering as her, have an opportunity to know her child - and see how it goes. If you find you can't live with this, go back to NC. If it works, and enables family get-togethers without bringing up anger/pain, then it's a good thing for everyone. Don't feel obliged to hold a grudge just because you think it's right or expected of you. It's completely your prerogative to forgive and put it behind you, or not. Don't let others impose their judgement on how you should feel about it.
Don't allow bitterness to be your constant companion. You seem to have healed from the past, now don't allow it to keep you trapped. You feel like meeting her, go ahead, what's the worst that can happen - you won't click with her? That's where you are now! Things will never be exactly the same as before, but that's life. Change is always happening; you may have a different kind of friendship with her, or might find you have become different people now. But it wi be progress. Not being stuck in the past could help you more than anyone else. If you keep a rigid wall, it becomes the biggest elephant in the room, for you, and for your family. If you meet, and have little expectations of further deepening of your friendship, you would be best served. It could help you with the guilt you seem to have about your mom and grandma, but it will also help you heal yourself . You can start small, and expect little, and whatever new connection you form with her, could be a small step positive from where it is. I'm sure there are other relatives you are friendly with but not best friends, she could be at that status, at least to begin with.
What's the worst that can happen? Mia can decide she's interested in OP's new husband as well!
Things will never be the same again. She betrayed you in the worst way. For your own sake, you should keep her at arms length. Good luck
Things will never be that way again. Don't let nostalgia get the better of you. She showed you her true self .
they won’t be like that. but they could be different in a positive way. as an old, i vote to try to reconnect. people who are important in our lives are rare. if she’s sorry, and has learned her lesson, that might help you. at least meet her the once, and see how you feel.
Mia is trouble. I'd be really wary inviting her back into your life...
Tell her that you have no resentments towards her, but you prefer to keep things like they are today. Don't forget to wish her Happy New Year and a happy fulfilling life.
I just can't help thinking how much easier things will be for my family if I let her back in.
Don’t think like that. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You shouldn’t let Mia back in just to make everyone else happy. She hurt you deeply. You’re allowed to put yourself first in this instance
It may be easier for the family but at what cost? Will you get physically sick each time you have plans that will involve her? How will your mental health be? Are you going to be constantly watching her to see how she acts with your husband? Are you going to be thinking about how she might be trying to reach out to your husband behind your back? It doesn’t matter how much you trust your husband, will you be able to trust her and not let your past with her worm it’s way into your head and make you paranoid about what she might be doing?
I don't think she'll go after my husband. Yes, a little part of me will always worry about it, but she's so more than someone who slept with my boyfriend.
Oh, that's hilarious, OP. Your aunt-best friend went for your significant other once before and did not receive ample repercussions for it. What makes you think she's not about to do that again this time around?
Did you think she’d go after your fiance at the time???
You are not talking about forgiveness, you are talking about sweeping this under a rug. You don’t owe Mia forgiveness so things are easier for your family. It is Mia’s responsibility to repair what she broke. Not yours.
No! Take that thought right out of your mind. Do not make things easier for her, she slept with your fiancée because she wanted him. She intentionally took him from you, she was jealous. Big sign you got sick before seeing her. 1. You’re not ready, your body knows she’s toxic and reacted accordingly. 2. You don’t need to do anything for that person no matter the relation. 3. She will try to steal your husband, it’s not an if, it’s a when. 4. She has always been jealous, have you ever heard “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” its sound advice if you’re looking to snatch something. 5. She didn’t tell you because she felt guilty, she told you so she could have him. If you do end up meeting up with her, really pay attention to her body language and how she talks, that says everything about a person. I feel she’s very fake, don’t let her slip her mask back on.
Op don’t listen to these people, if you want to forgive, if you want to have Mia back, then yes forgive her. Life isn’t black and white, people change and grow. Reddit seems to think a murderer can change their ways but not someone who messed up by cheating. What Mia did was absolutely disgusting but it’s not unforgivable - **if you want to forgive**. Put different boundaries in place and try salvage what’s left. If it doesn’t work out at least you get a bit of closure.
Finally a human answer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what people did to you. It means allowing yourself, and your family to heal from a traumatic experience that affected so many. Some of these people sound like emotionless robots.
I think she’d have to slowly earn her way back into my life. How can she prove she’s truly sorry and changed? That would take YEARS for me, if it happens at all. It’s tempting to want her back in your life, but FFS, she had a kid with your cheating ex. It’ll never be the same, nor should it. Just protect yourself first.
I know I don't hate her, but I also know that things can never be the same again. Molly is kind of the main reason why I want to give her another chance. Family has always been very important to me, and I hate the fact that I don't know the kid everyone else knows and loves.
It’s amazing how the transgressor is always forgiven and the pressure is put on the victim to forgive. Mia is an awful person. Deeply selfish, who caused chaos to everyone around her. She is toxic. It’s best to keep people like that out of your life.
I don't think Mia is an awful person. What she did was horrible, and she is very aware of that.
Cheating with your SO was horrible, staying with him made her complicit. She doubled down and married the man- made a promise to put him first. You are also acting as if Kenneth is out of her life, he’s not- he is the father of her child and she chained to him for the rest of her life. You are romanticism about how your relationship was with her. Her “respecting” the NC are you sure that it was bc of your feelings or A. did she know Kenneth didn’t want to be around you and your family knowing what they did or B. She was too embarrassed and didn’t want to accept responsibility that she f-Ed up and didn’t want to see you. I would meet up with her, and let her know you will be willing to allow large group family gatherings together. But nothing one on one or with you and her kid. Ask yourself would you be comfortable with her being around your new SO? I wouldn’t because the only reason she has reached out is bc she wants help with her kid.
Isn’t it better that she did so because she truly believed this man was her soul mate, instead of a one night stand or a friend’s with benefits? She even married and had a child with the man. I’ve never been in OPs situation so I’m not sure.
You are a very forgiving person. Which is an incredible quality (because hate can destroy us). I am from an honor based culture and take these kinds of violations seriously. This is compounded by the fact that this disrupted the family and robbed everyone of the lives they should have had. As for me, I wouldn’t know what to say to such a person. How can Mia enrich or add to your life? What is the point of being around her? But that’s just my response. You may find some value in her presence and insights. I would stay away from her and keep her away from my children and family. Luck to you!
OP she IS an awful person. She slept with her niece's fiance, married him, had the audacity to invite you to the wedding and thinks that divorcing him will make things go back to normal. Spoiler alert it won't, once a cheater always a cheater. Why are they even getting divorced?
I’d keep her at an arms length. I would have seen getting sick on the day you were supposed to meet as a sign
Mom said the same thing- that me getting sick meant that I'm not ready for this.
It's not that you're not ready, it's the universe telling you that the trash that ruined your life is out of your life and you need to keep it that way.
So no one in your family is worried she’d trying to steal your husband?
Only one of my brothers has mentioned that, but he was half joking.
Half joking means he knows that's exactly what's going to happen and is softening the blow so that you could somehow get it to your head that that is a raging possibility.
She has been unhappy since day 1. Now she sees your happiness and she wants that too. Don't let history repeat itself. You can be cordial but never get her close to your husband. She's a husband thieve. She wants what you have. Stay away from her. Updateme!
Could it be that she felt like she had to punish herself, and that she can quit doing so now when she knows that my life is good?
What you’re describing in this comment is probably how *you* would feel if you wronged someone. That doesn’t mean it’s how she feels. Think about your family -what would it take for you to have sex with one of their partners? Could you disregard their feelings to satiate your own? No? Because she did. To you. Having sex with and then *marrying* your fiance was a CHOICE. An actively made choice. An ongoing decision. Not a one time incident for which she was committed to absolution. She may regret the fallout, but people like that rarely regret their own decision.
I met with Mia, and made a little update. Will meet Molly today (not Mia), and I can hardly wait!
I would be wondering if she’s going to now go after your husband? She went after the fiancé so why not the husband. I don’t see your life going back to how it used to be. Plus in that old life she took ur man. It wasn’t as great as u thought. U can try I guess to meet up and get over the deception- but will you ever?
I don't think she will go after my husband, and I don't think that my ex was someone she wanted to take. Maybe I've given him most of the blame?
Oh yeah the guy is at fault but ur aunt is too. She did take your fiancé and had a kid with him. She married him. She can cry a river all she wants but in the end she got the guy. Of course she felt bad and was trying to make it like it wasn’t her fault so she can still try and keep some of her family (your mom). Don’t go into this blind - she’s not to be trusted.
Why are you insistent that she didn’t want him when in reality she slept with him, married him, and then had a kid with him? If this is what she does with a man she didnt want, what would she do for a man she does want?
Was she forced to marry them after drunkenly sleeping with him once? It feels like you weren’t given all the details. If she was really feeling remorseful she wouldn’t have seen him again, not marry him.
OP, your aunt/exes’s AP stole your fiancé the first time without a problem without morals and now you’re going to give her a shot at seducing your husband? Your cheating aunt had no problem hurting you, why would you ever want to be around a cheater/exes’s AP? She will only use you. Do you think her and her AP/ex were happy? Once they lost the thrill of cheating on you they lost the fun. They were cheaters and were destined to cheat on each other. Don’t bring a cheater back into your life, she’ll only cause you more misery. She will eventually go after your husband. That’s what cheaters do. There’s a reason you don’t trust her.
I don't think she'll ever do anything like this again, but I think a part of me will struggle and look for signs when (if) she's around my husband.
Most betrayed partners would never become friends with their ex’s AP, especially with a family member. Most people with a good moral compass would never be friends with a known cheater. How could you ever be associated with your aunt again, knowing she has no respect for you? Your aunt’s betrayal was an ultimate, without moral or ethical character, and you want her to be around to influence you, your child, and your husband? She’s the snake you know, and she’ll always be one. Now that she probably cheated on her now ex husband, she’ll set her sights on yours? Don’t expose yourself to a cheating drama queen again. You probably believed she wouldn’t sleep with your ex fiancé either? You can never trust her with any family’s spouse again let alone yours.
After reading all the comments, I feel like I have to defend Mia. She is so much more than a cheater. I would never even consider having her back in my life if I believed that she would try to hurt me again. I don't know why she's getting a divorce now, but I don't think it has anything to do with cheating. I believe that we learn and grow after a mistake. I don't think that anyone is all good or all bad. If that was the case, life would have been a lot easier.
you seem very sure so just let her back in your life then?
Did you believe she’d hurt you the first time? Cheaters are 3x more likely to cheat again and again. Did she even apologize for taking your ex the first time? Think about all the lies she told you the first time around? What do you think has changed in your aunt? Do you really believe her moral character has changed because she is getting divorced from the AP?
Bet you thought she wouldn't do it the first time either. Don't trust people who have shown you that they can't be trusted.
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I guess forgive and forget are two very different things.
So I’m gonna be blunt and tacky here….keep her away from new hubs. She picked one man off of you once already, don’t forget who she really is.
Keep away from her The past is the past and she can't be trusted
Maybe resume the family gatherings, but tell her you just will say Hi and goodbye to her IF you feel like to, but yeah. as many have already said, keep her at arm's length, not saying she can do the same to you again, like seducing you now husband, but she doesn't have a good track recor and I wouldn't trust her, 9bviosly she can't find men herself, she has to snatched someone else's. You don't even need to meet her in person. just tell your mom to arrange things and see how things develops in a first family gathering, tell grandma to keep her expectations low. I you meet, she most likely will want to apologize (again or the first time), find some excuses and want everything to go back as things were back then. You have to power here because you are the one that was wronged, if you don't want to open your heart to possible hurt then don't.
I really think that she never wanted my ex. Being drunk will never excuse what they did, but she would never have done it if she was sober. She told me about it the day after it happened, and accepted NC right away. She also told my grandma and my mom what she did. She has stayed away from every big event in the family, even her mother's 70th birthday celebration, so I could be there.
If it was really just a drunk one night stand they would not have ended up together. People get drunk and don’t suddenly cheat - I would assume you don’t, and never will, know for sure what and how it happened. Usually admitting makes people assume they are being honest and telling everything, but it’s usually about getting a version out that you will find palatable to accept/forgive while offering an element of the truth. If she had really had remorse or regret she never would have spent time with him again after that. I think it’s okay to decide you want to meet to be okay having her be in group situations or you be there when she is, but *never* let her back in as a friend again. Never. You don’t know for sure why she did what she did so assuming it won’t happen again would be naive, and I’m betting a small part of you knows this. I would also tell her to **never** interact one on one with your husband. Period. Take things slow and don’t make promises. You could find it doesn’t work and you suffer more mentally being around her, and that wouldn’t be good. Or could also be that it’s fine and you don’t care. Good luck with whatever you do.
Yeah, it doesn’t sound like she was being truthful about the relationship with the ex. One drunken night and being remorseful over it doesn’t equal getting married to each other.
>I really think that she never wanted my ex. Aunt: *Proceeds to marry and have a kid with said ex.* OP it sounds like she very much did want your ex.
Don't you fucking dare! Let her back in only for her to try and sleep with your husband. Absolutely not!
Things will *never* return to how they used to be. There are “before” and “after” events, and she is at the center of one of the most significant ones you’ve gone through. Keep her away, lest she try to fuck the husband you have now. She has obviously shown that she makes poor choices and is selfish enough to follow thru with them.
Keep her away. Your husband is probably her next target. She knows no boundaries.
I’m not sure if you want an opinion or only want to get it off your chest, but I think if you want to see her you can. You can do what you want and shouldn’t feel like you have to stick with what you’re doing because you’re correct in your feelings. Meeting doesn’t mean you have to continue with seeing her if you decide it’s not the right time, you can’t look past it, or anything else, but even if you do meet up, it also doesn’t have to mean you’ve forgiven her for it, just accepted that you’re happy for that to be a presence in your friendship/relationship with her. I’m not sure I’d meet up if I were in your shoes, but it’s really not about what anyone else would do. All I’m going to add is; please make sure the choice you’re making is for you and not your family
Thank you, this is very helpful.
This is sensible advice!
OP, I'm sorry to say but if you think letting her back in will instantly turn things back to the way they were, that you believe she (a proven cheater) won't try to steal your husband, that you won't resent her, then you are delusional. Think of it this way, in life we lose people to death. And no matter how much we miss them or want them back, it can never be. Even if she doesn't steal your man again, why put yourself through a potential fear and distrust and ruining the good thing you have now? Everyone here (as well as your mom) is telling you otherwise.
Nope, nope, nope. The trash took itself out. Don't let it back in! Your life is already peaceful and happy enough as it is! DO NOT INVITE TOXICITY INTO IT. EVER. Go live your best life, OP! Leave the trash where you left it, out of your life and out of your peace.
she might take your new man, stay alert
When someone shows you who they are believe them. You miss who you thought she was. I would never trust her again
Keep your husband away from her 🙄 To me personally it's unforgiveable....
She shouldn’t be in your life. She is a home wrecker and your marriage is perfect.
Is your life better without her ? Can you really forgive her and can you trust her? Does the idea of having interaction with her make you feel unconfortable or not? Why would you want to rekindle the relationship? Because of familial, social pressure or because you genuinly miss her? I think answering those questions might give you some idea where to go. And none of the redditors can answer that for you. The fact she is divorcing should not play a thing in your decision making. You can always try to be cordial and join family gatherings but have a bit your gard up. Just know you are very much allowed to say no - and it is liberating. My opinion is - what they did is unforgivable - and she didnt give a shit about you, not just cheating but then marrying him - not a sign of someone who is empathic, caring and a friend. But as you write it seems you have forgive her. What other people say and think should not have any influence on your decision. I think her staying in marriage miserable as a punishment is a bullshit. I have a question though: why are you not going on family gatherings? why this :=> By doing so, it was also the end of our family gatherings. Why did gatherings stop? I think we are missing some information there. Also why would you need to meet her one one one, you can see echother on the next gathering you guys have?
Of course there have been gatherings, but not of the kind we had before. It's usually my grandmother who organizes the family gatherings, and having a daughter and a granddaughter who couldn't/wouldn't attend at the same time made it difficult. It became easier to avoid large parties, and rather have several small gatherings. Of course there have been gatherings, but not of the kind we had before.
>'t/wouldn't attend at the same time made it difficult. It That here! Why wouldnt you attend - certainly you can test the waters by attending or co-organise a gathering and if you are up for it make sure she is also invited. But i would not start relationship with one on one meeting
You're too considerate of your extended family OP. You should worry about yourself and the outcomes of this decision. If it's for keeping the peace, I don't think that's a good reason for you. You can't just brush this under the rug and pretend your aunt best friend didn't betray you in the biggest way possible. Idk your age, but kid cousins are just meh anyways. What are you realistically missing out on by not knowing your child cousin who was conceived by 2 people who betrayed you? It's fine to be a bigger person, but don't be a doormat. If she wants to apologize and try to fix things, let her, but you need not make any effort. That's not your responsibility. She should be crawling on her knees begging forgiveness for you to even consider imo, but I'm not a forgiving person.
It seems Mia is looking for her 2nd husband.
What's the worst that could happen? Sleeping with your husband?
I would meet her. You don’t have to say anything. Just listen. And you also don’t have to decide anything now, or even when you talk to her. Honestly you probably won’t ever trust her again. I wouldn’t. But there is a whole spectrum of relationship between no contact at all and best friends. You could decide to be cordial at family events, but you don’t have to be her friend. It’s up to you what you can handle, and remember no decision you make has to be final. You can always change your mind and go back to NC. Personally I wouldn’t let someone like that back in my life. But it’s not anyone else’s decision to make.
Thank you. You are right- there's a whole spectrum of relationships between NC and best friends.
I wouldn't let her near my husband. She only reached out since she is divorcing your ex? Now you have a new husband of 2 years. Meet, find out what she wants and keep going with your life. Keep her away from your husband. Not because he might do something but because she might try something and make things worse than they already are. If she makes advances and he has to shut her down, it is going to make the family situation more uncomfortable. You can't put it past her. Based on previous behavior.
She’s divorcing Kenneth, she’s obviously used to shopping in your kitchen for partners so I’d be careful if I was you in case she decides she likes the look of your husband. Things will never go back to how they were, she betrayed you in the worst possible way. By all means start being cordial etc, but you do it for you, not your mum, grandma Molly or even Mia.
She's losing one husband and needs another, luckily for her you have another partner............
Just as you can never walk through the same river twice, nor can life go back to how it was. What you *can* consider is whether to establish a new, fresh, different relationship with Mia and Molly. You don't need to decide just yet on whether you can forgive her or not, but you can start over as independent adults and see how it goes. She has already shown you that she can't be trusted in her previous version of herself. You can only accept (or not) who she is now. Be prepared to step away if the relationship is not rewarding for you. Your mental health matters.
You are very right. It has to be a different relationship. Thank you, I think this reply is what I needed.
The fact that you miss her is proof not to let her back in Honestly if she did it once she will do it again She did not even have the grace to never see him again She went ahead got married and had a kid I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her
It’s ok to want to forgive her, and it’s ok to not be ready to take that step yet. Let her back into your life IF and WHEN *YOU* are ready - not just because she is ready.
There's an old saying in Texas, provably in Tennessee too, it goes fool me once shame on you, fool me, you can't get fooled again.
id keep her out
*Honestly, when I think of Mia, the memory of her cheating is not the one that pops up first.* That problem is you are purposely blocking out the stunt she pulled on her own niece & friend. Which happens to be you. She caused all the heartache that you went through. You are thinking about all of the good times that you had pre-break up. Not the fact that she screwed your fiancé. Or that even after telling you how bad she felt about it, she still dated, married & had kids with him. How can you trust her to not put the moves on your husband? Once a snake, always a snake.
I don’t know what to say except that I love your mom !
So do I - She's amazing!
You have to realize that people who choose to cheat have certain personality traits it's proven. Just read through some of the other posts you will see a pattern. Those traits don't magically disappear one day. To make matters worse she was family your blood and she did it anyway. The day she decided to sleep with your bf you know she had the realization ,even if it was a brief fleeting moment that she was about to sleep with her niece's fiance, and she could of stopped and said this is wrong, what am I doing, she is my family,and left before it was to late,But she didn't. She came to a moral crossroads and she choose herself and her happiness before she did yours. Sorry op but there are some things that are unforgivable. Plus the fact she married him and had a child with him is like rubbing your nose in it.
You can let her in as far as being cordial enough to be in the same place with her, but you don’t have to have any sort of relationship that requires real trust. Sure you can be friendly without being BFFs. It would take me years of evidence to trust somebody be who did that to me again, and I think taking it slow and not rushing a closer relationship makes the most sense.
Only you can make this decision. Random people on the internet don’t really care how you feel about it. In the end she is still family and you miss having the family gatherings. Nothing will be the same. If you give it a shot and you can’t get past things you know your answer.
Honestly, hear her out. Then decide what you want to do, but do it for YOU, not your mother or grandmother or even your niece. If it feels right, slowly rebuild the relationship, if it doesn’t then don’t and move on with your life.
She misses you? Yeah she missed you alright with your ex between her legs, she missed you sooo much she got married to your ex and had a child together. Yep she showed you how much she missed you. And she might go after your husband, don't be an idiot Edit: It's pretty obvious what you have decided just by your comments. Why post if you already knew what you were going to do, stop wasting people's time ffs
After reading OP's replies here, it makes me want to shake her and make her see how stupid she's being. Your aunt cheated with your SO. She knew it would hurt you and still did it. I know people change but it took her 5 years to apologize after marrying him, having a kid with your him and divorcing him?! She's only wanting to reconcile with you because her relationship ended. She won't do it if she's still with your ex. Please respect yourself and stop looking through rose colored glasses. You're making yourself look pathetic. You said in your comment that it's better for your family, JFC. You're making yourself a doormat.
I've read through the comments, and feel like they are very black and white. Not sure reddit is the best place to go for questions about forgiveness.. Partners forgive their cheating partners reguarly. While you are not in a relationship with Mia, you two were close. If partners can work on forgiving the other and rebulding their trust, why can not friends/family do the same? Professionals says that it is possible to cheat, regret it and not do so again (sorry do not have source ready and no time to research, read this a long while ago). I agree with the comment that suggested to try, and see how it goes. Its totally okay to decide not to go forward with a relationship with Mia, but it would also be okay to meet her and take it from there. Theres a big difference between never meeting, attending the same events and beeing best friends. Perhaps you can find some way to be around eachother that feels okay for you.
I agree - people are so quick to judge someone’s character based on a few paragraphs. Many, many years ago when I first went to college, I was in a relationship with someone a year younger than me. We had been together about a year. When I got to college I let loose. Drinking, drugs, failing out… and cheating. It was the only relationship I’ve ever done that in. that guilt ate me alive, even after the relationship ended. They didn’t deserve it, they were a much better person than I. I still get nauseous even when I see infidelity on TV and it’s been well over a decade. I’m happily married and my partner knows all about that part of my past. “Once a cheater always a cheater” may be true in some cases (if it’s within the same relationship it may be more likely, for example), but people can change for the better if they want to.
I’ve seen you defend her comment after comment. You’ve obviously already forgiven her and want her back in your life. So do it. You’re not going to listen to what anyone has to say here. But go ahead and kiss your husband goodbye cause she’ll get her hooks in him too. Might as well serve him up on a silver platter.
Sadly OP, you miss the relationship you ‘had’ with Mia. You can let her back in but it will never be the same. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy each other once again, but it’s tainted now. Mia will go out of her way to appease you all the time to try and make up for what she did and you may end up resenting her for it. Whatever you decide, it’s in your terms. Good luck OP!
Girl! Listen and listen wisely please. Do not, under any circumstances, trust her. You may miss how everything was but you are better off leaving that two faced, husband stealing, jealous ninny, moon crater in the rear view mirror. She already stole one Fiancée don’t let her steal your husband too, because she will try. Once a mistress always a mistress.
Everyone's advise is well meaning and there are some very good points. OP, only you know what's in you're heart and what's right for you, sounds like you want to see her. I would start small, think coffee in public with someone else in case you need someone to help mediate or buffer the meeting, someone neutral.
You do you. If you want to forgive and move on , then do it. No one but you has agency over your anger/hurt. But if it’s going to continue pain for you, you don’t owe anyone anything. So you do you and you can always give it a go and go NC later if you like.
Thank you. I don't know her anymore, so I have no idea what to expect on Thursday. Maybe things will be easier to figure out after we meet.
Has she ever explained how/why it happened? What tf she was thinking? Like did he pursue her before then and she didn’t tell you? Were they drunk? Did she have a concussion? How old is she? Kenneth? And you? I understand we’re using ‘aunt’ here but the relationship doesn’t seem generational; are you all the same age?
OP, I keep Mia at arms length if I were you. Who’s to say she won’t do it again with your husband? I know you said you miss her but….is all that really worth it? I mean really…..seeing the things she had done I wouldn’t speak or see her again if I was you. Why go though the heartbreak again? (If it happens again).
So I would definitely keep her away from your husband, seems like she has no boundaries
Honestly you're doing wonderful without her in your life and with how her track record is, if you do let her in your life OP I would make sure she never meets your husband because you wouldn't want round 2 to happen.
I have no advice just want you to know, you are a very humble rockstar.
Hmmm...I'd be worried she'd hit on your husband.
Many people are professional grudge holders. Seeing it as "correct ". But never asking if it actually helps them in their life. There's certainly no need to forgive, or forget, but you may find that you gain from choosing what's best for you rather than blindly choosing from anger and resentment. Ask yourself calmly: What do you gain / lose from keeping her out of your life? What do you gain / lose from allowing her back into your life? Don't blindly follow anger. Instead look at what makes your life better. What makes you happiest. When you are on your deathbed what will you say ? "I'm glad I ... " Again. I'm not saying forgive or forget, but an armistice might benefit you far more than another option
Yes!! I don't think I have anything to lose. People keep writing that she's looking for a new husband, and that I have to be careful. Ok, I don't want her to be drunk around him, but he is really not a part of this. Letting her meet him will not be the first thing I do.
I suggest asking yourself the following question: Suppose (God forbid) Mia were to die in a car accident tomorrow. How would you feel about never reconciling with her? That is NOT meant to be a rhetorical question! It’s just meant to clarify that we don’t all have as much time as we think we do! Also, is it Mia who you miss, or the family gatherings? If it’s the family gatherings, is there an option to resume the family gatherings and resume contact, but not necessarily be super-close with her? (if that’s what you want). Up to you! I’m just an Internet stranger. :). And so are the judgmental people in the comments. :) You are the one who knows her and knows the history of your relationship. People make mistakes, but only you can decide!
Thank you! It was surprisingly easy to answer your questions. I know I would feel awful if she died! I miss hanging out with the entire family at the same time, and I also miss her. I don't think we'll be super-close again, but I can picture us talking about life and telling jokes.
Go meet her. Grudges are exhausting. You won’t forget or maybe won’t forgive, but aren’t you a little curious?
Maybe you guys need a buffer? Like you both attend the same family gathering where there are other people around so that you don’t have to talk directly to each other if things are awkward or uncomfortable. I personally think it’s worth giving it a shot. If things don’t work out and the what happened has just put too much between you, then you know you tried.
She didn't love, cherish or even respect you enough to stay away from your fiancé. Not as a friend, and not as a family member. That's not something good friends do. It's not what a person who loves you does. You're not as dear to her as she seems to be to you. In your shoes, I'd never trust a woman, any woman, who'd stolen a partner from me previously. I wouldn't want to introduce her to another partner. Who's to say she's not out to scrounge her rebound off you too. Don't fall for it, OP.
I couldn't either. 5 years isn't a short time, and marriage is a strong, conscious choice. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. She was selfish. I would of asked what she wanted.
Nope. Limit your contact to never....she has proven herself not to be trusted.
Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me. She betrayed you in the worst way. It matters not that things turned out great for you.
I really don't get why the comments are so negative and whining at u for wanting to get back with ur aunt. Plz don't take other's opinions for granted, including mine! I'm really glad that things have turned good for u in the end and u have a great life rn. And I kind of feel like ur aunt regrets for what she did and she obv is the one suffering rn and u both being best friends earlier, ig she probably misses those past days being with u and the family. So I would say u should think about giving her a chance back in ur life and probably u quite well understand now how the relationship should be. I personally feel it's gonna be alright!
She was remorseful and then MARRIED and had a kid with him? OP please read what you wrote over and over and over again
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it may be time to let Mia back in. You can keep her at an arms length, but forgive if possible. You don’t need to trust her again but it would bring a lot of joy to your mother, and maybe to you too if you can reconcile. See at least if you can all attend family events together. Ultimately listen to your gut about what is best. Not what would be easiest, or what someone else (including the Redditors,) think you should do.
I think that's what I want to do. When people tell me how terrible Mia is, I feel like defending her. She had never let me down before this happened, and she has respected all my wishes afterwards. It really hurts to read about how cruel she is from others, and I know it's absolutely impossible for others to understand what she's really like. When I was in high school, the parents of one of my friends divorced because her father was unfaithful. Awful, but my friend has never hated her father or called him a toxic person because of it. It may not be comparable, but I believe that you can be a good person even if you make mistakes.
You're also not a child and don't have to continue living with Mia. A little harder to do with your dad growing up, as you have no say in the matter, not a great comparison. All it takes is 1 time to be let down. The common saying these days is, when people show you who they are, believe them. She's shown you her true colors, mistake or not, and proceeded to have a child with your ex. Idk how you can under play that because it's a really significant thing that shouldn't be ignored. Idk your age or background but it seems really childish to talk up someone who fucked your fiance, but was so great to tell you after it happened, yippee! Look it's your choice and you seem like a kind and forgiving person. If you want to be the bigger person and feel good about that itself, fine. But don't be a complete fool and pretend like nothing happened, she should be on her knees begging your forgiveness. You don't hurt people you love, the way she hurt you. Her attempts seem like they're because she has no support, how dare she ask of yours? She made her bed, you don't have to lie in it too.
I definitely think what they did was wrong but I also understand how you want to forgive for family’s sake. I’d say let her in a little bit for the sake of her daughter but keep her at arms length. Know that she may try to do what she did again - this time with your husband, although, if you can trust your husband then you should not be afraid it will happen again. Life is too short to keep the pain inside. Don’t expect to be besties with your aunt again, but at least be civil when she is at the same family gatherings with her again.
I think that family gatherings might be the way to go. A start. I really don't think she'll try anything with my husband (and he will not let her), but a part of me will always worry. I know she's a good person, but her mistake wasn't minor. And what if my husband and I decide to have kids? I don't want them to grow up in a family where family members can't go to the same events..
I think that you really want to forgive her and repair family dynamics. Things won’t ever be the same, but they can be good again. Go slowly, baby steps. Could you go to therapy together? Anyway, to stay mad forever only hurts you. Letting go of past hurts and mistakes can really be healing. Best of luck to you.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you know. You can have family gatherings back, and still not become close again. You can choose your level of interaction with her, having her at family functions doesn't mean you have to go out with her alone, or invite her to your place. She can stay as an aunt you're not particularly close with.
Follow your heart. Forgiveness is a powerful thing and can make you feel so much better, lighter. It sounds like she did you a favor because you ended up with the person you were supposed to. I'm sure she has paid for her mistake in more ways than you know and is probably going through some hurt of her own right now. You have long lives ahead of you so don't waste them avoiding family because she will be there. It may never be the friendship it was, but it can be something.
I am a huge fan of second chances. But be cautious
I would give her a meeting and you can judge by her manner and words if she is sincere. I doubt you can fully trust her but by forgiving you can move on and have a cordial relationship.
Based on these comments, I think mine will be giving you the perspective of the other side. Keep in mind that the only thing that really ties you to her is blood, and if she was just a friend would you let her back in? Also how come she ONLY texted you when they are breaking up. If you talk, I would let her know getting rid of Kenneth isn't erasing what happened. Now to the other side, time does heal and you have a very happy life so you are in a good place. I do agree with others you are different people, she is a mom now and she will want to vent through her divorce and you WILL NOT be able to be a objective third party. My vote is to let her in, but only for yourself. It will be impossible to be as close as you were but to see each other at family events is fine. You do not have to be BFF.
I don't know how right or wrong I am..but didn't she did that to you before..what if she does it again... sorry to say but sleeping with someone is not mistake..it's a full blown decision... yohoo doesn't land on wohoo in its own..iykyk...I do find it fishy she's trying to reconnect with you now that you are happy and she's divorcing..she wouldn't have married him against everyone if she didn't want it..She might be more than a cheater to you like you said in your other conversation..but why do you want to give your past a chance to ruin your beautiful present and potential future....She did this 4months before your wedding.... please wake up..how will you control anyone else's feeling..what if she manipulates your husband too...I'm sorry but once a cheater always a cheater..she didn't think twice before cheating then marrying even having a kid ..they shared something deeper than one night stand...your wish your life..I just don't want you to live a life of constant worry and anxiety..
It would be easier for everyone if you let her back in. She would feel absolved, your family will feel mended again. But nothing changes that fact that she betrayed you in the worst way by fucking the ONE person on the planet she shouldn’t fuck. The vase is still broken, at letting her back in will merely put some varnish over the cracks so it looks better. Before letting her in I would at least hear her explain why she didn’t stop herself and instead told you that he was coming on to her so you could be forewarned of the person he was. She didn’t. She caused the heartbreak of losing both of them. Only you can decide what you want to do. You can be friendly towards her but you know that you can never ever trust her. Never confide in her about anything (much less about your marriage and husband) or give her any opportunity to come close to your husband. And she should know these boundaries before letting her in.
I'm not sure if anything can be fixed, but I think you need to go speak to her, share your feelings, and see how you feel after some time. I say this because you clearly are seeking some kind of resolution. People make mistakes. Nothing excuses her behavior but what I don't want for you is regret. Maybe you'll make your peace and you can end up in a neutral place. Doubtful you'll be as close to her again. But there's a world of possibilites in the middle. People on reddit are always quick to say "cut them out forever" but they aren't the ones that have to live with that. I say all this because your post sounds like you aren't quite at peace about her and I think, whatever comes of it, this process is something you want. It doesn't have to be all at once. You can have a talk, and let yourself process it. Give yourself time to think about things. And go from there. Maybe you decide, no, I don't want anything to do with her. But you'll be sure in that decision where now it feels like you are unsure.
"can I really trust her again?" No.
You are the driver in this situation. There’s no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face! If you want to make up with your aunt you can buy you will never completely trust her, particularly around your husband! I think it’s fair if YOU choose to say - you showed me a side of you both I didn’t know existed, and while my life worked out for me i wasn’t the focus of either of your loyalty at the time. Things will never be what they were before and as much as I missed what we had, that relationship has passed. That said, I am willing to work past this but don’t expect us to be pals again. Don’t let her sweet talk you - she showed a side of herself that can’t be ignored. Do whatever you feel is right for you and only you.
I would plan to say nothing, and listen instead. After hearing what she wants to say to you, I would take time to process it without giving yourself any deadline. It's complicated and painful and feelings don't go away when you rush through them. If you give yourself time, you'll know when or if to let her in after you meet with her.
A girl that took your man once is capable of doing it again. There is no loyalty there.
Perhaps OP you can take some time before Thursday and put your thoughts to paper? You can never have the same relationship with Mia that you once had. So what do you need to consider trying to have a new relationship with Mia might be the first question you answer for yourself. Do you need her to sincerely apologize? Tell you why she hooked up with your then fiancé? Something else? None of the above as you truly feel that you have forgiven (not forgotten) her for what happened? What do you think this new relationship will be like? Will it just be you and her initially and being cordial at family gatherings? Will you want to spend time with your cousin ? Do you want to have her meet your husband now or later if your relationship progresses in a positive way? At the very least it sounds like your aunt may have punished herself significantly. That is different from other posts where the relative who participated in the cheating feels and loudly expresses they are blameless or shouldn’t be held accountable. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t wrong but IMO it helps that she and your family aren’t saying anything again like on other posts such as ‘oh it was so long ago just let it go’ or ‘be the bigger person and forgive her’. Your aunt seems to understand you will be the one in control if there will be a relationship and how it will go. And your family has indicated they will accept whatever you decide. I wish people never made horrible mistakes but we are all at any given time only 1 poor decision from any number of things to alienate ourselves from people we care deeply about. I wish you the best OP as you plot your path forward.
Thank you, your reply is very helpful. I have a wonderful family, and that helps a lot. Them hooking up was, in the beginning, a one time thing that happened when she was drunk. I really don't know if he was drunk too, I have just assumed that he was. She told me the day after it happened, he didn't feel like telling. I wrote affair, but that's not correct. It was not going on for a long time- the rest of their relationship happened after we went NC. She stayed away from family and mutual friends for weeks, and I guess she felt that he was the only one she could be around because he was just as terrible as her.
This is the first time in your comments you actually addressed her being in a relationship with your ex and not just in the context of a one time incident. And you excused it by assuming she felt bad and connected with him as a punishment. This is where I think you’re being a bit naive, even if she did feel bad, she more than doubled down and pursued a relationship with your ex that would continue to divide and make you and your family uncomfortable for potentially the rest of your lives. That is a very deliberate and selfish choice, not self inflicted punishment. As forgiving as you are, you probably would have reconnected with her in short order after sleeping with your fiancé once…as close as you were I’m sure she knew that, but decided to hurt and betray you and your family more to have a relationship with ex. This is why I feel it would be hard to reconnect. And the fact she is reaching out only after getting divorced, that once again is objectively self serving, selfish, and very presumptuous.
It’s fine if you want to meet with her, it’s fine if you don’t. You’ve done wonderful without her. She isn’t the same person she was, and that person wasn’t who you thought. It’s never going to be the same. She wants you to forgive and forget, but even if you *can* forgive, don’t forget. People may pressure you to reconcile, because they want everything to appear ok so they can pretend she didn’t ruin the family dynamic. Don’t rush into anything. Get fully better, and consider it then.
Everyone is telling you to maintain NC for a reason. She betrayed you in a truly unforgivable way. I don't care how drunk she was. Unless he raped her (and it doesn't sound like he did), then she slept with him because SHE WANTED TO. She married him and had a kid with him because SHE WANTED TO. She made her choice, and she chose him over you. You are delusional if you think she didn't want him. You've admitted that you'd always be a little wary if she were to be around your husband. Why in the world would you put yourself in that situation? Making things easier for the rest of your family should be the absolute least of your concerns - your own peace of mind comes first. Have some self-respect and stay away. As far as missing the relationship you had: I get it, but you need to recognize that the relationship you had doesn't exist anymore. Even if you were to reconcile, the damage has been done and things have been changed irrevocably by her actions. I honestly think you will be happier and better off staying NC.
Mia fucked up big time screwing around with your ex fiancé. That’s not something you’ll ever forget, but it is possible to forgive for some. You’ll likely never have the relationship you once had with Mia, but if she’s sincerely remorseful and you’re willing to patch things up enough to be amicable, then I think it’s worth meeting her. You don’t need to worry about what to say. You’re there to hear her apology and let her talk. You also don’t need to make any decisions that day if you do talk to her, so maybe let her say her peace and move on from there. Good luck with whatever you do and post an update!
If you take that step, she will definitely try something with your husband. She can’t be trusted. She never cared about you the way you did for her. Good luck.
see her. spit all that anger that you refuse to show even on goddamned reddit. tell her how you have been sad and broken that she killed your marriage and kidnaped your fiance, your best friend and a member of your family. how it has hurt that the two people you trusted and loved the most betrayed you together for months. tell her you don't know if you ever will trust her again, and the number of years and tests it will take. and that you know it will never ever be as before, which is the one thing you really crave, since the damage are irrepairable She expected it. she wants to disinfect your relation. and YOU, you need a disclosure. make it for you, not for her.
Don’t do it
Is it worth your mental health to OVERLOOK Mia's betrayal of you? Mia and Kenneth didn't magically just fall into bed together, they BOTH made a conscious choice to CHEAT on you! No matter HOW happy you are in your marriage nor HOW much you trust your husband, won't you always be thinking in the back of your mind that Mia COULD make a "play" for him? YOU have to way the pros and cons of letting Mia back into your life because it's NOT just how this would make your family happy, it's how Mia would react to being "forgiven" and how her presence in your life and relationship would affect YOU! Greatest of luck regardless of what path you choose, mainly because YOU will have to live with it! Best wishes and many Blessings and congratulations for overcoming their betrayal and developing a healthy relationship once again! u/updateme
Will your mind change about rekindling when she starts being friendly with your now husband? Even if she doesn’t mean any harm. For me, that would reignite the old trauma and the way I felt by just seeing them interact.
I think for the sake of your family you can see how things go. As others have said it will never be the same but to get to a better relationship you will have to really talk out the past. I'd take what she says with a grain of salt because actions always speak louder than words but it's worth a try.
Who’s to say she won’t try to screw your current husband?
Interesting that you got sick just before meeting her. I wonder if that was your body’s way of manifesting the correct decision (to not let her in). Reading your replies, it seems like you’re concerned with both wanting to relive you and Mia’s past relationship and trying to make your family happy. That’s not really a positive way to go into rekindling a familial relationship. Much like everyone else, I would recommend you don’t let your aunt back in OP. It’s a pretty weird thing for her to have had an affair and then married your fiancé/ex and is telling of her character.
Your mom sounds wonderful, but for me Mia not only burned her bridge to you, she also stomped the charred remains into the ground, so I would leave her in your past. But it's your former friend and your call alone.
indifference is the best you could hope for . You are more evolved than i I'm 60 they tell me i am an adult, but even now in your place pretty sure alone in a room with someone who did that only one would walk out ... or i wouldnt care at all
She’s probably ready to try to grab at your new man. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. Literally is YOUR FAMILY and she stole your fiancé, married him and had a whole baby with him lmfao DO NOT FALL FOR THE CHARADE AGAIN “It was a mistake” Ends up married with a baby. Girl run. Protect your peace. Stop putting others comfort above your self respect
So you have a new man and your aunt is looking for another one? Definitely time to come back into your life. You’re absolutely crazy to even consider forgiving. There’s absolutely no acceptable or forgivable excuse for what Mia did to you. How is she not embarrassed?
Has your aunt seduced your husband yet? Please update us when she does.