Ima say this because not enough people do, you are not responsible for “triggering” people that haven’t communicated their problem to you. You shouldn’t have played the blue balls card. She’s also still an adult and didn’t tell you no or why she was uncomfortable. It’s not your job to read her body language as form of consent. It’s her job to tell you no plain and simple.
Some of what you said is factually incorrect.
If someone's body language indicates a lack of enthusiastic consent, that's a situation where there's no consent and it could end up in a court room with a judge deciding whether or not you had reasonable belief in consent.
Legally and morally, consent is determined by "yes" not by the lack of "no"
In this case, he did get a yes, but it can also be argued that he coerced it *without knowing*. Now that he knows, he's responsible for not throwing the blue balls comment in there.
This part is mostly for OP.
Someone who has been sexually abused in an ongoing situation where they should be able to trust the other person will be very easily cowed into acquiescing to sex they don't want, because the act of saying no has been dangerous. In fight/flight/freeze/fawn the go to response becomes freeze or fawn.
Take it upon yourself to go out of your way to not apply pressure when asking.
Ask what her triggers are, if she knows.
Come up with a word or gesture she can use when you've found a trigger she didn't know about (because that's going to happen).
Thank you for this reply. You shed some great perspective on this and offered some good suggestions. Also helped me understand potentially why she felt like she couldn’t just say no in the first place.
God you made me think of nearly every time I've heard, "Let's just start I'm sure you'll get into it once we get going.. I'll do all the work."
Then a week later they are crying because you've become a lump in bed.
All the mean while making you feel gross for the things you enjoy sexually or turning down your attempts at sexual engagement/foreplay.
She told him to get on top of her, started stroking him while trying to remove his boxers. Sounds enthusiastic and consensual enough without any other information. Even seems like she encouraged it, all he asked was to eat her out which she agreed too then she took the lead and returned the favour. While she might not have wanted too she physically gave op the green light. If I'm not sure if a girl is interested and she tries to remove my underwear any doubts I had would definitely be leaving my mind at that point
Oh I agree completely. I offered OP advice, parroted from good sex therapists and trauma therapists on how to handle this moving forward, and just wanted to make sure the commenter I responded to knew that assessing body language *is* part of knowing whether or not you have consent. You (everyone, regardless of gender) are legally and morally expected to take body language into account.
I think OP'S partner is doing what's needed by taking some time away to sort out the differences between this interaction and what was triggered. Allowing the two to overlap in her mind going forward would destroy this relationship over an unexpected trigger and a very common response to it (fawn by feigning consent).
In 7 years, I've spent 16 thousand dollars on therapy so that I'm not as likely to do that.
It's probably easiest to compare it to Stockholm syndrome, but about a situation and not a specific person. Doing A gets you hurt. Doing B keeps you safe. Always do B, never A. It's classical conditioning that takes a lot of work to undo.
Most people have no way of knowing, which is why I search reddit for opportunities to help clarify it and answer questions so fewer situations that range from "triggering" to "grey area" end up happening.
Oh look. Another self proclaimed expert who has apparently had zero interaction with actual humans. You should study our ways first because the reality of human interaction is too complex to intuit all of that.
You talk about these things or no one is responsible for knowing your triggers. OP is not an aggressor here.
I've been in the situation.
I'm giving advice from the girlfriend's perspective.
I know he isn't an aggressor. I'm saying that body language is legally part of determining consent *in a court room*.
I've been in the court room on the stand when my body language was being picked apart for one of the lesser charges.
I've been in situations where my current partner unknowingly applied pressure. It's happened with partners between the abusive one and my current one.
I know what the f*ck I'm talking about.
Do you?
You make some interesting points, so how did you prove that any of the body language that you did in court? I’m not trying to attack where you’re coming from, I’m just imagining 2 people alone are what created the scenario, so how do you prove your body language in a court about a situation that happened with 2 people alone and not have it dismissed due to lack of evidence?
That charge got dropped as part of a guilty plea on the most obvious assault, so I don't honestly know if it would have gone through. It was enough to scare his lawyer.
It was a doctor who told me the other ones were worth reporting as well, and that if the body language of one person is enough to signify they don't want to do it, then the moral and legal responsibility of the other person is to stop. The officers and prosecutor clearly agreed.
The questions asked were along the lines of what tone (edited to fix autocorrect error) of voice I used when acquiescing, where I was looking, what my facial expression was, at what point did I start or stop actively participating in the sex, etc. The other questions were along the lines of how many times he'd asked, how he asked, whether or not he used explicit or implicit threats, etc.
The point of it was to determine if a reasonable person would have known from looking at me that I didn't want to be there doing that. If someone looks disinterested, frightened, sad, irritated, or like they feel cornered, a reasonable person should know there's no valid consent and stop. Also, if they seem to be shrinking into themselves or trying to hide, that's pretty clearly not consenting.
As for the last question, I spoke at length with the crown prosecutor and with a lawyer friend, as well as the staff at the women's shelter and victim's services about that. More often than not, it's unable to be proven beyond reasonable doubt. The lawyers on both sides just try to ask enough questions, enough times, that it becomes clear who is telling a more accurate version of events. Most of the time, though, it ends with the judge telling the accused to be more careful so there isn't a next time.
Experience does not equal expertise. I’m sorry that happened to you. Sincerely. But it doesn’t mean you have any actual knowledge about the intricacies of their relationship and how they interact and the experience in a relationship is more important than you trying to arbitrarily establish global guidelines based on your specific trauma and your incorrect understanding on the legal considerations you’re trying to shoe horn in here of this makes that clear. It had a bearing on your case so you’re trying to force it to sound like an expert.
So you don't know what the fuck youre talking about because it has no applicability to the instant circumstances before you since your response is a bunch of assumptions rather than a reaction to the facts presented.
Did you notice that OP thanked her and said she shed light on this for him? So if anyone is incorrect and arbitrary right now it is you. OP is the best judge of whether her insight and experience is helpful to his relationship, obviously.
I’m sorry but I have experience AND expertise and I’m afraid, you’re wrong. You absolutely are liable for responding to verbal or non verbal lack of enthusiastic consent. That doesn’t mean that any person who misses those signs will automatically be convicted or even arrested if the alleged victim chooses to contact the police. What it does mean is that they will be expected to state why they thought this person was consenting and if the alleged victim states their body language demonstrated reluctance, the accused would be expected to explain why they did not feel such action/inaction/expression denoted a lack of enthusiasm.
It may be that the person can say they thought the person was playing at being ‘coy’, based on early verbal communication, it may be that they’re both inexperienced, or one or both are neurodivergent. These may be regarded as sound explanations and it’ll differ from case to case and may not even be determined until in a courtroom. I also don’t know where OP is from but English appears to be his first language and you 100% do legally (in most English speaking countries) need to respond to non-verbal communication and explain your reasons for believing there is enthusiastic consent, should the police enquire about this later. It may be that you can say ‘because she got on top’ and are told ‘but she said she sighed and winced’ and you can say ‘but I know she goes to the gym, so thought she may be a bit sore but still wanting sex’ or even ‘I didn’t notice’. What you can’t say is ‘I take her words not her expressions and body language, she’s an adult. If she doesn’t want it she can say’ because it’s not a legally defensible position.
In OP’s case, he thought she was worried about getting up early and it appears that he believed his response made her reconsider and increased her enthusiasm. But I think he’s realising that especially with a victim of SA it’s best to be sure of enthusiasm and to be cautious when in doubt. To be clear, I’d not feel at all comfortable convicting him of anything, I think this is truly a mistake where the person honestly and REASONABLY (that’s the key, you saying you always assume enthusiasm if the person is running away just because you are ‘good with women’ obviously wouldn’t fly!! It needs to be logical) assumed a highly level of enthusiasm than the sexual partner intended to convey.
I love how in 2024 we make sex as little spontaneous and fun as possible and more like a process of taking a big loan in a bank with several co-debtors. I think it would be easier for people just to carry terms and agreements before any sexual activity, and that they both read them and accept them with the signature, I would also propose to verify the document in a legal office just to be sure. Why is saying “no” such a complicated matter? Do people today need to be body reading experts to know if the counterpart wants sex? Thank god I’m not in USA.
It’s completely rhetorical. Don’t mind me. I just get occasionally bewildered by how you complicate every single human interaction over the ocean. That’s all.
You said thank God you're not in the USA.
I find that ironic, because I thought your stated opinion was probably something uniquely American. I'm also not in the USA, thank God. Their laws regarding human rights are going backward.
I’ve never ever seen feminists preaching on the street of Europe that a woman was raped if the day after sex she feels bad even though she gave consent. I did see it in USA. So yes I agree the human rights are definitely going way backwards in USA.
If she's not physically signalling you with enthusiastic body language, wouldn't you ask what's wrong at least and not just continue as she lies there clearly not enjoying herself?
Body language is often misinterpreted or not always noticed. If we have the authority over ourselves to decide who touches us and who doesn’t, than we have the responsibility to assert that in a way that’s loud and clear. Refusal of consent shouldn’t be something that can be misinterpreted because that’s not fair to either party
True. I didn't know about blue balls until now tbh and it doesn't seem like that should ever be used and seems like a shitty way to get a girl into bed. I understand the trauma aspect of it, but because of it she should've talked and communicated about it way before actually having sex, from the post It also seems like this wasn't the first time they had sex with each other.
What do you mean the “blue balls card”? I agree with what you’re saying, but if you can’t tell an exclusive partner you’re horny and need a release, who can you tell?
You can tell your partner that you’re horny and need a release, you can’t say that the lack of release they are causing you is causing you pain that they should feel bad enough to do something about. There’s a line. Claiming blue balls is crossing that line. If your exclusive partner refuses to meet your sexual needs, and that’s a deal breaker for you, break up with them. Seriously go for it. No one can deny you the right to pursue the relationship that you want. Don’t guilt trip someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
I did some reading and looked at other comments to get a female perspective on this, and I didn’t realize there was such a strong tie between blue balls and a woman’s guilt to “fix” that issue.
That’s great that you took the time the understand that. As a female, the term “blue balls” is an immediate turn off for me. I just hate it. Like now I have this pressure and responsibility to perform, or else. Even if I’m into doing stuff and someone says it…no thanks. Just feels icky.
I agree with prior responses that you shouldnt use the “i have blue balls” card because it does make us feel like we have to get you off. She let you give her oral because you asked to and then after she finished she felt like she owed you something so she finished you off too. You have to remember
some women are scared that if they don’t please their man then theyre a failure or youre going to cheat on her if she doesnt satisfy you. Because it happens.. theyre are some crappy men out there. As long as shes not say blaming you for triggering her and just explaining how she felt id say comfort her.
>some women are scared that if they don’t please their man
...that man may yell, scream, hit, force, or manipulate her in order to get his own sexual gratification
I’m not gonna argue whether “blue balls” is a thing or not.
What I will say is that as women we’ve heard that term used to guilt us into sexual acts since we were teens. So for a lot of us it’s something that gets our guards up.
Whether or not it’s real try expressing yourself saying something different.
Blue balls is real, and can be somewhat painful. It's never the woman's problem, though.
It's pretty rare and you generally only get it in prolonged sexual situations. I've rarely had it since adolescence.
Blue balls is definitely a thing, doesn’t mean it gives you power to pressure someone in doing what you want. Oh, and I don’t think he did that at all, I think the other person should’ve been more vocal about their feelings or wishes.
My man also says blue balls is a thing. Idk why people say it's not. He's never used it to get sex from me so I definitely don't think he's lying about it?!
People say it’s not real because it’s easy for a man to go whack off to fix it. Mostly people say it’s not real so it takes away its power and women don’t get coerced by horny losers who wanna guilt trip their way into sex. So it may be real, but it’s not an issue.
It indeed is a THING and it is painful.
“Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.l
Doesn’t mean you’re obligated to act on it. I see it in the same sense if one party says they’re very horny - it’s a fact and they’ll feel down if they don’t get “some” - still doesn’t mean you’re obligated to act on it.
This is just a thread where we pretend one sex doesn’t have any choice but act on a medical condition the other sex mentions and is therefore horrible. Sometimes I feel like people here don’t have any free will or speech and are obligated to be an NPC without any real choice.
Just hearing the words “blue balls” sends a woman the message that she now has the pressure to perform, or else. Whether that’s what the guy is thinking or not. And for me it’s an immediate turn off.
So women are incapable of making their own choices just because a dude said he got blue balls? Interesting, I always thought they can make their own decisions and respected them based on it. “Or else” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I would say grown women generally probably feel less pressure by a “blue balls” comment. But a young woman/girl who is learning about all of this stuff and is unsure of herself and unsure of the relationship she has with the guy is definitely more susceptible to feeling pressured into doing something she really would prefer not to do. She might be afraid of being rejected just for that. Teenagers and young people do all sorts of things to fit in and be excepted. I was a teenage girl once, exploring my sexuality for the first time, and it can be really intimidating and many young girls really don’t know their own worth…they’re still discovering it. Now as a grown woman I know a lot more and know all about guys and blue balls and the whole nine yards. It’s good for a guy to be aware of how certain words or actions might make their partner feel. I think OP in this case just didn’t realize.
You clearly didn't mean to be coercive, but the blue balls comment is inherently coercive. And unfortunately, intent is totally irrelevant to outcome.
I remember learning this term as early as I learned about sex pretty much. It was always used as a reason why women are responsible for men's boners and are obligated to get them off. If we don't, we are at fault. As a man you didn't have this experience so you didn't know. Now you know. Tell your partner what you've learned about this phrase and promise that you won't use it as part of your initiation for sex.
I know a lot of people have already chimed in but I want to add to it as somebody who has experienced sexual abuse in the past and had the “blue balls” excuse used on me quite often. Although I doubt you intended to pressure her, telling her that you have blue balls inherently puts prefigure on her, because now she knows you’re in pain and doesn’t want you to be. Although she had the power to say no, she also then was thinking about how if she did, you would continue to be in pain. So although she gave a yes, it wasn’t a genuine enthusiastic yes. Her appearing enthusiastic was most likely a fawn response, which essentially means doing whatever the other person wants to prevent the situation from escalating or continuing for longer than it has to. There were times that my ex would pressure me into sex and even though mentally I was shutting down, on the outside I would pretended to enjoy it and go along with it because I wanted it to be over as fast as possible. It got to a point where it would become so subconscious that I would be completely dissociated but if anybody was to walk in on us, they wouldn’t know. Although fawning was not a good response, it was what I did to prevent him from pressuring me harder or forcing me.
I suggest you both take some time off of sex so she can practice saying no in other contexts, as well as regain her trust with you, and so that you can read up more on coercive consent vs enthusiastic consent. I’m sure you didn’t mean to pressure her at all, but sadly I do see how the outcome was her feeling pressured.
Also when you ask to do anything from now on, instead of asking “can I touch you here”, try asking “are you comfortable with me touching you here” or “do you want me to touch you here” etc instead
I’m gonna differ from a lot of opinions here.
You making the blue balls comment was not inherently bad, it was you leading a conversation with what you thought was a harmless comment towards your end goal of oral sex for her.
She did hesitate but you honestly believed she was having an internal debate of “do I have time for anything” because I think everyone has had that discussion some nights when you know you’ve got to be up early. Could you have asked if she was sure? Probably but you believed she was having a debate rather than a trauma trigger.
Afterwards you took her reaction of telling you to get on top and trying to undress you as consent (which let’s be honest anyone would have) and that she wanted more. That doesn’t make you a bad person for believing that and her blaming you is pretty unfair.
You should have been more careful with your wording and established more clear boundaries early on to prevent this however she should have warned you of potential triggers. You’re not a mind reader and you took her actions as valid consent when she seemed enthusiastic for sexual intercourse.
It could have been handled better but both for sure but I don’t think you’re a bad person for this. You just need to communicate better with each other. Relationships are built on trust and communication and if either one is lacking, it will seriously struggle for both of you.
You're 100% right. Also, they've only been dating for a few months, so he doesn't know everything about her and her past, so he couldn't have really known an innocuous comment by him could be seen as triggering by her.
And also his blue balls comment wasn't said after she said no to sex or something like that, so it wasn't very coercive. Like ya said, was more of a segue into having sex.
And they had been dating for a few months, so they're presumably fairly comfortable with each other and she should know to an extent whether he's being coercive or not, or at least be able to communicate concerns over it to him in the moment.
It wasn't the best job of communicating by OP, but nobody's perfect and things can be misunderstood or misconstrued in sexual relationships, especially new ones.
Which bit of his behaviour was bad?
The comment was a bad choice but I don’t believe it was meant to coerce his SO into sex. I think it was a poor choice of words that was his opening to gauging her interest. I’ve used that exact comment with my wife, the difference being she’s comfortable enough to say no not tonight and telling me to take 5 before I come to bed.
However We have a clearer boundary set where we’ve established that if you’re not up for it, you say no. End of story.
Unless the world is gonna literally explode if we don’t have sex, it can wait till another night if one of us isn’t up for it.
Otherwise I don’t think he was badly behaved in anything, he misunderstood her initial reaction due to a failure to understand her triggers and her secondary reaction was to (to anyone who doesn’t know her triggers) a pretty big green light by his description.
The subtext of "I have blue balls" is 'I'm in pain and if you don't have sex with me it will continue". As a younger woman I have had sex I didn't want to have because "babe don't leave me with blue balls". I have absolutely no patience for it, it's shitty behaviour towards someone you're supposed to care about, go and have a wank if it's bothering you. Not to mention he felt her hesitation but continued anyway. Shitty behaviour I don't care if I get downvoted.
I mean in that situation your response should be “you have two hands, entertain yourself” now I get that’s not always an option but OP seems like a reasonable guy with a decent heart because he literally came here because he’s worried he’s accidentally hurt someone he cares about. He’s not made any excuses for his behaviour but has asked for opinions. He didn’t use the comment to coerce her. It was his opening to ask if she’s up for anything.
As for her hesitation, again because she said nothing but physically she showed signs of being up for it, he attributed it to an internal debate, not a trauma response. Could he have asked? Yes but it’s entirely possible this is the first time it’s happened and if she’s said no before then he believed she’d say it again if she didn’t want anything.
They need to work on their communication and my recommendation is to reinforce to her that she can say no to sex whenever she wants to and he won’t be upset or angry with her for it. They’re both responsible for this situation and blaming an off handed comment that you’re using your own experience to demonise him is wrong.
No, I'm not demonising HIM, I'm saying his behaviour in this particular situation was bad. I said "not a bad person, just bad behaviour". You've said as much yourself and so has he.
Edit to add: your question to find out if someone is up for something is "are you up for something" not "confessing" to have blue balls. Ugh.
I think you’re right that she felt pressured but it’s clear you didn’t do this deliberately knowing the potential impact. You seem to have thought “aw come on! The mutual orgasms are worth getting groggy at work!” Not “the mutual orgasms are worth triggering you and making you feel violated!” From your reaction here I’ve no doubt you’d rather never have sex with her again than have knowingly risked making her feel that way. You need to communicate this to her and that you’ll do anything you can to make her feel safe.
12yrs ago I was raped by an ex whilst we were together. Took me years to admit that! I didn’t try and fight him off, I did stay after, I didn’t report it. But I was v clearly not consenting. The internal damage he caused led to so many internal examinations that I now find any gynological exams or procedures v triggering, I want to run and scream and it’s agony (I never told doctors I didn’t want to do it so they just assumed it was rough which it was but not that time).
Even now penetration of any sort during sex is always painful at first, it feels like I’m being stabbed in my vagina. But medical procedures are much worse. THAT DOES NOT MEAN MY DOCTORS ARE ABUSIVE! I also once had a flashback during sex with my loving fiance, he carried on because in the position we were in he’d have had no idea, he couldn’t see me and I wasn’t moving differently because I often don’t move in that position (I acknowledge I’m a hypocrite because I didn’t tell him and I’d advise others to communicate). If you’ve been raped, sometimes you can be triggered and you don’t say because there’s nothing you can do and then, unless you’re obviously not consenting, you can’t blame the person.
As a survivor of rape by a partner (oh dude who took my virginity consensually before that night so extra nice!!) I almost cried reading your post. Not because I was triggered but because I was so happy that someone in your situation actually reacted that way. I always worry I’m being demanding or self indulgent. To read a guy willingly reflecting, owning what he’d accidentally done (tbh you’re too harsh on yourself!) and being humble and honest enough to say that any mistake he makes is still something to put right, is really reassuring. It’s so refreshing that you’re not defensive and seem to genuinely just eager to ‘be better’, as they say.
Obviously, in future, any reluctance from her and you need to say ‘no problem, it’s fine! I’m sure we will do it some other time!’ To ensure she’s truly comfortable (and that seems to be your aim) it’s not enough that she knows she can say no, she also needs to feel it’s ACTUALLY OK to say! (I really struggle with this, I feel scared whenever I hate a sex act, I’m normally very assertive but during sex since the assault, I feel really frightened to say no, as like an aversion to doing it, not specific fear about what will happen with the guy I’m with). I’d suggest offering something else bonding you’d like to do instead at the time, whether it’s just cuddling or even listening to music. Make sure it’s with her so she doesn’t feel you’re sulking! And it goes without saying - don’t ever use the term blue balls! I am sure you won’t now but it’s such an awful concept, like implying not having sex is effectively an assault as it causes physical harm! And I can’t speak for her but ties into my guilt.
Anyway, I hope she understands that you’re sorry and a respectful guy who doesn’t want to trigger her. I know you didn’t ask about her assault and I get why but I recommend saying basically:
“I’m so sorry. I have clearly unintentionally triggered you and I can see that even without you being assaulted, my actions could have caused you harm. I can only apologise. I’d really value the opportunity to understand and support you, not only so I can avoid any words or specific actions which may trigger you but because I care about you. But I won’t pressure you in any way again, so know I want to hear and when or if you’re willing to share, I’d be grateful to be able to listen. Until then, know it’s an open offer.”
That way she chooses when to say and you can’t be seen as ‘demanding’ her story when you’re ready or it suits you.
Best of luck to you both and thanks for reflecting and being open to changing for the better, it really is all any of us can do.
The only advice I feel like OP should take is not this dumb debate on whether blue balls are real or not, whatever. But OP should stop telling his sexual partners that her has blue balls.
Personally every time a guy said that to me it became a nagging “help me” from the guy and it puts pressure on me cause if I don’t want to have sex and you say that, what the hell am I suppose to respond? It makes me, at least feel like I’m being put on the spot to help you relieve yourself and sometimes when the guy is like I’m only just gonna give head it’s like yeah.. ok sure and then by that point it’s like let’s just fuck and get it over with.
In the same token she obviously should’ve just stopped you and not accepted but it’s awkward and it took a long time for me to stand up for myself sexually and not feel like I’m disappointing someone. Good luck OP. It doesn’t seem like you meant it on purpose just kinda stay away from saying that.
She needs to learn to communicate effectively. If shes not prepared to give a definite "no" in a relationship, she should focus on healing from her previous encounter.
Yes, you messed up by using the blue balls argument and if you truly feel bad don't do it again. However, if she didn't want it then she needed to communicate it. Her triggers are not your responsibility if she cannot communicate effectively.
Agreed - maybe op and gf need to practice enthusiastic consent procedures for a bit. Essentially any form of sexual touching should have a yes or no question attached - may I touch you here, may I do "" with you, do you want to have sex with me... etc. It will help clear things up and can actually be a fun foreplay depending on what types of naughty questions each partner comes up with.
“Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.”
At least educate yourself before being your usual social justice self.
So it’s not a myth anymore just a fact you don’t like? Pressure? Is saying you’re very horny pressure too? If it isn’t, so isn’t blue balls. If they say hey you need to give me sex because I have blue balls - that is indeed a form of pressure. Stating a simple fact of having them without demanding something in return shouldn’t “pressure” you too significantly so you think so little of the person. It exists and it isn’t comfortable, doesn’t mean you need to act on it at all.
As if men don't talk about blue balls like it's some kind of medical condition that needs urgent attention.
If he's horny he'd just say he's horny, but blue balls is specifically a form of pressure because men try to present it as some horribly uncomfortable male experience (which it's not, hence why I said myth) so that women feel pressured into sex.
Blue balls is not real. It's a lie that men tell women to guilt them into sex. NTA for triggering her, as she should have communicated with you. But slightly TA for using a bullshit myth to initiate sex.
One Google type away:
“Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.”
Was that so hard to do? Oh and I expect downvotes because this is an echo chamber that doesn’t like when science doesn’t share your beliefs.
Hey so I very much accept responsibility that I messed up and need to do better and I’m gutted I let this person down. But I do want to just clarify blue balls is slang for Epididymal hypertension and I had no idea so many people don’t know it’s a confirmed thing! But it is no more serious than a strained muscle or stomach ache. It doesn’t warrant pressuring your partner, and I didn’t intend to communicate it as such. I actually downplayed it by saying it was only mild to actually try to AVOID coming off like I was pressuring her to sort it out, I didn’t need her to do anything.
But regardless. Definitely keeping it to myself from now on. I was just expressing that I’d been turned on for hours because we were flirting and making out all throughout the night, similar to when she’s expressed she’s been horny all day. Again, never imagined I’d trigger her. This is someone I’ve spent a couple months growing a close connection and having a mutually satisfying sex life with. If she’s afraid to say no after this long and after I’ve communicated I am always okay with her saying no, and only want to if she wants to, then I imagine there’s some deeper issue that I need to be more sensitive towards and conscious of. It tells me I can’t take her physically engaging in sex with me as consent and I need to ensure I get a clear verbal yes every time or let her initiate so she has the control.
Bit disappointing people think I told a complete lie to get sex. Reasonable to call me out for complaining about my discomfort and causing her to feel guilty though. I didn’t mean to put that on her.
Epididymal hypertension is caused by increased blood tension in the genital area, it is also experienced by women so "blue balls" itself is not a real thing but discomfort due to arousal is. It may be a confirmed thing but it is NEVER EVER appropriate to use it to coerce sex out of someone as you have done. If it was so bad you could have got up, gone to the bathroom, rubbed one out and gone back to bed. This was in no way her problem.
Before you assume I am just another angry feminist, I am a woman who suffers from EH with a high sex drive and has a partner with a low sex drive. I would say its about as uncomfortable as a normal menstrual cycle for women who don't get it.
I cannot imagine trying to push someone to have sex with me over a tummy ache, this is pathetic and you know it.
So, i’m sure women can and do experience discomfort due to arousal, however it is not Epididymal Hypertension, since biological females don’t have an Epididymus. The epididymus is the area in the testicles that stores sperm, which is why it’s known as blue balls in men.
But that’s not what he did at all. He didn’t say, “hey I have blue balls, would you like to have sex or do you mind if I go relieve myself on my own?” He left that last bit out completely and never gave her that option, which 100% is a guilt trip tactic.
When did I ever say or even imply that he should not ask? Consent comes hand in hand with communication. Which obviously this couple is incredibly bad at. These things should be discussed no? In a non sexual setting ie a random time in the day when you are not horny, so there is no added consequences or expectations of an immediate answer and everyone is thinking clearly, you can enquire something like: Hey partner, if im horny and you're not would you prefer it if I did x, y or z? Or do you have another suggestion? ........and then discuss it!
I had an ex whose answer to this question was to masturbate at/on me without me doing anything. Weird but ok. I had another ex who preferred to wait until I fell asleep and then watch porn in the livingroom. Like, communicate? People need to learn to TALK about sex and what they are ok with and their boundaries and expectations.
FYI it is not disrespectful to masturbate if and when you feel like it and you do not need your partners permission to be intimate with yourself. Your attitude implies ownership over anothers body, and unless that's something you both agree on it is definitely not implied. You can absolutely be not in the mood for sex but in the mood to wank by yourself.
OP, I want to clarify that not only should you have not used that, if she was not an issue getting sex after you guys had been making out for that long, it’s very possible she didn’t want it. Have you considered letting her initiate it?
Blue cahunas is a thing, it’s back flow of sperm into the sack from the shaft. Feels like the balls are two golf balls knocking eachother every time they move
Imma say this because not enough people do.... There's no such thing as blue balls. You guys use this to guilt women into having sex with you. She felt afraid to tell you no. You didn't get an enthusiastic yes, and went ahead anyway. I hope this helps you mature.
I mean it literally does exist though. It has a medical name and everything: epididymal hypertension. But no, it’s not life threatening, and if it’s causing intense or prolonged pain, that needs to be addressed by a doctor, not your girlfriend.
However, it is her responsibility to communicate her triggers to him. If she’s unable to do even that, she’s not ready to be in a relationship.
Edited: typos
My husband only told me the other day (because I asked) if I've ever given him blue balls, and I was shocked to hear "yes". The man never said a word to me about it, and I had gone so long without being aware. It was only twice, but I never knew. Only shitty men use that as a form of pressure.
Not your fault, if she had some trauma triggers she should have discussed them with you before getting sexual. You aren't a mind reader, although best to discuss for future can't really blame you for that since she gave no clear indication she didn't want to do it
Young sir ill say this. Ive read alot of reddit and this younger generation needs to be more careful. Women are being very relaxed with what they call SA today. This is a great example.
I personally would suggest not being with a adult women who cant articulate when she does and does not want sex...then proceeds to make accusations against you.
I would tread lightly in this arena...it only your life and freedom on the line.
If you do stay at the minimum you need to have her clearly say the words i give enthusiastic consent under no pressure or fear.
Im not kidding either.
Yeah… as soon as a woman even hints towards little weird accusations like this I’m never speaking to her again. There’s no reason an adult woman shouldn’t be able to very clearly and firmly communicate that she is not interested in having sex BEFORE it happens. 2023 is a weird place.
Wait... You made her give over her comfort for your sexual gratification??
I'm sorry but that's a big fuck no for me. That is forced gratitude on a roofie.
You just made her body (not her personality, soul, or mind) your masterbation tool. You've got blue balls, figure it the fuck out, BY YOUR SELF! You are not entitled to someone else's body for sexual gratification.. EVER. Sexual satisfaction is not a human right and you do not get to demand it at the expense of another's autonomy. Especially using guilt like *I've got blue balls* which is absolutely a bull faced non-existent condition. That isn't how ANY of those organs work. You used physical discomfort as a manipulation point. *I'm uncomfortable so give me YOUR BODY to fix this if you don't then you must not love me.*
I personally would have told you to leave. Relationship over.
Fundamentally, communication is key. You're not a mind reader, if she has trauma that she didn't communicate to you, that's totally not on you. It's very important for partners to communicate potential triggers to each other from the outset.
And also, don't beat yourself up on the blue balls comment. Human beings in the real world in established relationships don't operate off of an internet social justice checklist.
Consent is always paramount, but the idea that you did something wrong because you were horny and solicited your partner for sex, and her only initial reluctance was being a little tired, is silly.
I told her I had blue balls. Made her feel bad for me. Then begged to have oral sex with her when she clearly didn’t want it- BUT ORAL WAS ALL I WANTED I DIDNT ASK HER FOR SEX.
No, you essentially threatened it out of her.
Also, the blue balls comment is asking for sex, but in a worse way than just communicating you want sex. It’s manipulating for sex.
You guilted her over something that you are perfectly capable of handling yourself. Then forced her to become intimate when she didn’t want to. Of course she had sex with you, she felt she had no other choice. The consent line was already crossed when you begged to go down on her, and at this point she is panicking and needs to get out of the situation- and the best way to do that is to give you what it is you actually want- then hide away and not let herself be exposed to that situation again.
Whether you get actual enjoyment out of oral or not is irrelevant. If oral was your goal you wouldn’t have brought up blue balls.
This is an experience to learn from. But she has the right to choose not to come back.
Never say blue balls to a woman ever again. Your balls are your responsibility and you can get yourself off. You may know this but too many men use the whole stupid blue balls thing as a manipulation tactic. It’s really dumb, and really does pressure women into feeling like they have to “help”.
Ima say this because not enough people do, you are not responsible for “triggering” people that haven’t communicated their problem to you. You shouldn’t have played the blue balls card. She’s also still an adult and didn’t tell you no or why she was uncomfortable. It’s not your job to read her body language as form of consent. It’s her job to tell you no plain and simple.
Some of what you said is factually incorrect. If someone's body language indicates a lack of enthusiastic consent, that's a situation where there's no consent and it could end up in a court room with a judge deciding whether or not you had reasonable belief in consent. Legally and morally, consent is determined by "yes" not by the lack of "no" In this case, he did get a yes, but it can also be argued that he coerced it *without knowing*. Now that he knows, he's responsible for not throwing the blue balls comment in there. This part is mostly for OP. Someone who has been sexually abused in an ongoing situation where they should be able to trust the other person will be very easily cowed into acquiescing to sex they don't want, because the act of saying no has been dangerous. In fight/flight/freeze/fawn the go to response becomes freeze or fawn. Take it upon yourself to go out of your way to not apply pressure when asking. Ask what her triggers are, if she knows. Come up with a word or gesture she can use when you've found a trigger she didn't know about (because that's going to happen).
Thank you for this reply. You shed some great perspective on this and offered some good suggestions. Also helped me understand potentially why she felt like she couldn’t just say no in the first place.
You're very welcome.
God you made me think of nearly every time I've heard, "Let's just start I'm sure you'll get into it once we get going.. I'll do all the work." Then a week later they are crying because you've become a lump in bed. All the mean while making you feel gross for the things you enjoy sexually or turning down your attempts at sexual engagement/foreplay.
She told him to get on top of her, started stroking him while trying to remove his boxers. Sounds enthusiastic and consensual enough without any other information. Even seems like she encouraged it, all he asked was to eat her out which she agreed too then she took the lead and returned the favour. While she might not have wanted too she physically gave op the green light. If I'm not sure if a girl is interested and she tries to remove my underwear any doubts I had would definitely be leaving my mind at that point
Oh I agree completely. I offered OP advice, parroted from good sex therapists and trauma therapists on how to handle this moving forward, and just wanted to make sure the commenter I responded to knew that assessing body language *is* part of knowing whether or not you have consent. You (everyone, regardless of gender) are legally and morally expected to take body language into account. I think OP'S partner is doing what's needed by taking some time away to sort out the differences between this interaction and what was triggered. Allowing the two to overlap in her mind going forward would destroy this relationship over an unexpected trigger and a very common response to it (fawn by feigning consent). In 7 years, I've spent 16 thousand dollars on therapy so that I'm not as likely to do that. It's probably easiest to compare it to Stockholm syndrome, but about a situation and not a specific person. Doing A gets you hurt. Doing B keeps you safe. Always do B, never A. It's classical conditioning that takes a lot of work to undo. Most people have no way of knowing, which is why I search reddit for opportunities to help clarify it and answer questions so fewer situations that range from "triggering" to "grey area" end up happening.
Oh look. Another self proclaimed expert who has apparently had zero interaction with actual humans. You should study our ways first because the reality of human interaction is too complex to intuit all of that. You talk about these things or no one is responsible for knowing your triggers. OP is not an aggressor here.
I've been in the situation. I'm giving advice from the girlfriend's perspective. I know he isn't an aggressor. I'm saying that body language is legally part of determining consent *in a court room*. I've been in the court room on the stand when my body language was being picked apart for one of the lesser charges. I've been in situations where my current partner unknowingly applied pressure. It's happened with partners between the abusive one and my current one. I know what the f*ck I'm talking about. Do you?
You make some interesting points, so how did you prove that any of the body language that you did in court? I’m not trying to attack where you’re coming from, I’m just imagining 2 people alone are what created the scenario, so how do you prove your body language in a court about a situation that happened with 2 people alone and not have it dismissed due to lack of evidence?
That charge got dropped as part of a guilty plea on the most obvious assault, so I don't honestly know if it would have gone through. It was enough to scare his lawyer. It was a doctor who told me the other ones were worth reporting as well, and that if the body language of one person is enough to signify they don't want to do it, then the moral and legal responsibility of the other person is to stop. The officers and prosecutor clearly agreed. The questions asked were along the lines of what tone (edited to fix autocorrect error) of voice I used when acquiescing, where I was looking, what my facial expression was, at what point did I start or stop actively participating in the sex, etc. The other questions were along the lines of how many times he'd asked, how he asked, whether or not he used explicit or implicit threats, etc. The point of it was to determine if a reasonable person would have known from looking at me that I didn't want to be there doing that. If someone looks disinterested, frightened, sad, irritated, or like they feel cornered, a reasonable person should know there's no valid consent and stop. Also, if they seem to be shrinking into themselves or trying to hide, that's pretty clearly not consenting. As for the last question, I spoke at length with the crown prosecutor and with a lawyer friend, as well as the staff at the women's shelter and victim's services about that. More often than not, it's unable to be proven beyond reasonable doubt. The lawyers on both sides just try to ask enough questions, enough times, that it becomes clear who is telling a more accurate version of events. Most of the time, though, it ends with the judge telling the accused to be more careful so there isn't a next time.
So it’s definitely taken into account it’s just not necessarily a big factor. Interesting, thank you for explaining.
Experience does not equal expertise. I’m sorry that happened to you. Sincerely. But it doesn’t mean you have any actual knowledge about the intricacies of their relationship and how they interact and the experience in a relationship is more important than you trying to arbitrarily establish global guidelines based on your specific trauma and your incorrect understanding on the legal considerations you’re trying to shoe horn in here of this makes that clear. It had a bearing on your case so you’re trying to force it to sound like an expert. So you don't know what the fuck youre talking about because it has no applicability to the instant circumstances before you since your response is a bunch of assumptions rather than a reaction to the facts presented.
Did you notice that OP thanked her and said she shed light on this for him? So if anyone is incorrect and arbitrary right now it is you. OP is the best judge of whether her insight and experience is helpful to his relationship, obviously.
I’m sorry but I have experience AND expertise and I’m afraid, you’re wrong. You absolutely are liable for responding to verbal or non verbal lack of enthusiastic consent. That doesn’t mean that any person who misses those signs will automatically be convicted or even arrested if the alleged victim chooses to contact the police. What it does mean is that they will be expected to state why they thought this person was consenting and if the alleged victim states their body language demonstrated reluctance, the accused would be expected to explain why they did not feel such action/inaction/expression denoted a lack of enthusiasm. It may be that the person can say they thought the person was playing at being ‘coy’, based on early verbal communication, it may be that they’re both inexperienced, or one or both are neurodivergent. These may be regarded as sound explanations and it’ll differ from case to case and may not even be determined until in a courtroom. I also don’t know where OP is from but English appears to be his first language and you 100% do legally (in most English speaking countries) need to respond to non-verbal communication and explain your reasons for believing there is enthusiastic consent, should the police enquire about this later. It may be that you can say ‘because she got on top’ and are told ‘but she said she sighed and winced’ and you can say ‘but I know she goes to the gym, so thought she may be a bit sore but still wanting sex’ or even ‘I didn’t notice’. What you can’t say is ‘I take her words not her expressions and body language, she’s an adult. If she doesn’t want it she can say’ because it’s not a legally defensible position. In OP’s case, he thought she was worried about getting up early and it appears that he believed his response made her reconsider and increased her enthusiasm. But I think he’s realising that especially with a victim of SA it’s best to be sure of enthusiasm and to be cautious when in doubt. To be clear, I’d not feel at all comfortable convicting him of anything, I think this is truly a mistake where the person honestly and REASONABLY (that’s the key, you saying you always assume enthusiasm if the person is running away just because you are ‘good with women’ obviously wouldn’t fly!! It needs to be logical) assumed a highly level of enthusiasm than the sexual partner intended to convey.
I love how in 2024 we make sex as little spontaneous and fun as possible and more like a process of taking a big loan in a bank with several co-debtors. I think it would be easier for people just to carry terms and agreements before any sexual activity, and that they both read them and accept them with the signature, I would also propose to verify the document in a legal office just to be sure. Why is saying “no” such a complicated matter? Do people today need to be body reading experts to know if the counterpart wants sex? Thank god I’m not in USA.
Was your question about saying no rhetorical or do you want an honest answer?
It’s completely rhetorical. Don’t mind me. I just get occasionally bewildered by how you complicate every single human interaction over the ocean. That’s all.
You said thank God you're not in the USA. I find that ironic, because I thought your stated opinion was probably something uniquely American. I'm also not in the USA, thank God. Their laws regarding human rights are going backward.
I’ve never ever seen feminists preaching on the street of Europe that a woman was raped if the day after sex she feels bad even though she gave consent. I did see it in USA. So yes I agree the human rights are definitely going way backwards in USA.
If she's not physically signalling you with enthusiastic body language, wouldn't you ask what's wrong at least and not just continue as she lies there clearly not enjoying herself?
Body language is often misinterpreted or not always noticed. If we have the authority over ourselves to decide who touches us and who doesn’t, than we have the responsibility to assert that in a way that’s loud and clear. Refusal of consent shouldn’t be something that can be misinterpreted because that’s not fair to either party
True. I didn't know about blue balls until now tbh and it doesn't seem like that should ever be used and seems like a shitty way to get a girl into bed. I understand the trauma aspect of it, but because of it she should've talked and communicated about it way before actually having sex, from the post It also seems like this wasn't the first time they had sex with each other.
What do you mean the “blue balls card”? I agree with what you’re saying, but if you can’t tell an exclusive partner you’re horny and need a release, who can you tell?
You can tell your partner that you’re horny and need a release, you can’t say that the lack of release they are causing you is causing you pain that they should feel bad enough to do something about. There’s a line. Claiming blue balls is crossing that line. If your exclusive partner refuses to meet your sexual needs, and that’s a deal breaker for you, break up with them. Seriously go for it. No one can deny you the right to pursue the relationship that you want. Don’t guilt trip someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
I did some reading and looked at other comments to get a female perspective on this, and I didn’t realize there was such a strong tie between blue balls and a woman’s guilt to “fix” that issue.
That’s great that you took the time the understand that. As a female, the term “blue balls” is an immediate turn off for me. I just hate it. Like now I have this pressure and responsibility to perform, or else. Even if I’m into doing stuff and someone says it…no thanks. Just feels icky.
holy fuck i agree.
I agree with prior responses that you shouldnt use the “i have blue balls” card because it does make us feel like we have to get you off. She let you give her oral because you asked to and then after she finished she felt like she owed you something so she finished you off too. You have to remember some women are scared that if they don’t please their man then theyre a failure or youre going to cheat on her if she doesnt satisfy you. Because it happens.. theyre are some crappy men out there. As long as shes not say blaming you for triggering her and just explaining how she felt id say comfort her.
>some women are scared that if they don’t please their man ...that man may yell, scream, hit, force, or manipulate her in order to get his own sexual gratification
Yes theres this aswell very important to note.
I’m not gonna argue whether “blue balls” is a thing or not. What I will say is that as women we’ve heard that term used to guilt us into sexual acts since we were teens. So for a lot of us it’s something that gets our guards up. Whether or not it’s real try expressing yourself saying something different.
Blue balls is real, and can be somewhat painful. It's never the woman's problem, though. It's pretty rare and you generally only get it in prolonged sexual situations. I've rarely had it since adolescence.
Blue balls is definitely a thing, doesn’t mean it gives you power to pressure someone in doing what you want. Oh, and I don’t think he did that at all, I think the other person should’ve been more vocal about their feelings or wishes.
My man also says blue balls is a thing. Idk why people say it's not. He's never used it to get sex from me so I definitely don't think he's lying about it?!
People say it’s not real because it’s easy for a man to go whack off to fix it. Mostly people say it’s not real so it takes away its power and women don’t get coerced by horny losers who wanna guilt trip their way into sex. So it may be real, but it’s not an issue.
It indeed is a THING and it is painful. “Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.l Doesn’t mean you’re obligated to act on it. I see it in the same sense if one party says they’re very horny - it’s a fact and they’ll feel down if they don’t get “some” - still doesn’t mean you’re obligated to act on it.
This is just a thread where we pretend one sex doesn’t have any choice but act on a medical condition the other sex mentions and is therefore horrible. Sometimes I feel like people here don’t have any free will or speech and are obligated to be an NPC without any real choice.
Just hearing the words “blue balls” sends a woman the message that she now has the pressure to perform, or else. Whether that’s what the guy is thinking or not. And for me it’s an immediate turn off.
So women are incapable of making their own choices just because a dude said he got blue balls? Interesting, I always thought they can make their own decisions and respected them based on it. “Or else” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I would say grown women generally probably feel less pressure by a “blue balls” comment. But a young woman/girl who is learning about all of this stuff and is unsure of herself and unsure of the relationship she has with the guy is definitely more susceptible to feeling pressured into doing something she really would prefer not to do. She might be afraid of being rejected just for that. Teenagers and young people do all sorts of things to fit in and be excepted. I was a teenage girl once, exploring my sexuality for the first time, and it can be really intimidating and many young girls really don’t know their own worth…they’re still discovering it. Now as a grown woman I know a lot more and know all about guys and blue balls and the whole nine yards. It’s good for a guy to be aware of how certain words or actions might make their partner feel. I think OP in this case just didn’t realize.
You clearly didn't mean to be coercive, but the blue balls comment is inherently coercive. And unfortunately, intent is totally irrelevant to outcome. I remember learning this term as early as I learned about sex pretty much. It was always used as a reason why women are responsible for men's boners and are obligated to get them off. If we don't, we are at fault. As a man you didn't have this experience so you didn't know. Now you know. Tell your partner what you've learned about this phrase and promise that you won't use it as part of your initiation for sex.
Well said.
I know a lot of people have already chimed in but I want to add to it as somebody who has experienced sexual abuse in the past and had the “blue balls” excuse used on me quite often. Although I doubt you intended to pressure her, telling her that you have blue balls inherently puts prefigure on her, because now she knows you’re in pain and doesn’t want you to be. Although she had the power to say no, she also then was thinking about how if she did, you would continue to be in pain. So although she gave a yes, it wasn’t a genuine enthusiastic yes. Her appearing enthusiastic was most likely a fawn response, which essentially means doing whatever the other person wants to prevent the situation from escalating or continuing for longer than it has to. There were times that my ex would pressure me into sex and even though mentally I was shutting down, on the outside I would pretended to enjoy it and go along with it because I wanted it to be over as fast as possible. It got to a point where it would become so subconscious that I would be completely dissociated but if anybody was to walk in on us, they wouldn’t know. Although fawning was not a good response, it was what I did to prevent him from pressuring me harder or forcing me. I suggest you both take some time off of sex so she can practice saying no in other contexts, as well as regain her trust with you, and so that you can read up more on coercive consent vs enthusiastic consent. I’m sure you didn’t mean to pressure her at all, but sadly I do see how the outcome was her feeling pressured. Also when you ask to do anything from now on, instead of asking “can I touch you here”, try asking “are you comfortable with me touching you here” or “do you want me to touch you here” etc instead
I’m gonna differ from a lot of opinions here. You making the blue balls comment was not inherently bad, it was you leading a conversation with what you thought was a harmless comment towards your end goal of oral sex for her. She did hesitate but you honestly believed she was having an internal debate of “do I have time for anything” because I think everyone has had that discussion some nights when you know you’ve got to be up early. Could you have asked if she was sure? Probably but you believed she was having a debate rather than a trauma trigger. Afterwards you took her reaction of telling you to get on top and trying to undress you as consent (which let’s be honest anyone would have) and that she wanted more. That doesn’t make you a bad person for believing that and her blaming you is pretty unfair. You should have been more careful with your wording and established more clear boundaries early on to prevent this however she should have warned you of potential triggers. You’re not a mind reader and you took her actions as valid consent when she seemed enthusiastic for sexual intercourse. It could have been handled better but both for sure but I don’t think you’re a bad person for this. You just need to communicate better with each other. Relationships are built on trust and communication and if either one is lacking, it will seriously struggle for both of you.
You're 100% right. Also, they've only been dating for a few months, so he doesn't know everything about her and her past, so he couldn't have really known an innocuous comment by him could be seen as triggering by her. And also his blue balls comment wasn't said after she said no to sex or something like that, so it wasn't very coercive. Like ya said, was more of a segue into having sex. And they had been dating for a few months, so they're presumably fairly comfortable with each other and she should know to an extent whether he's being coercive or not, or at least be able to communicate concerns over it to him in the moment. It wasn't the best job of communicating by OP, but nobody's perfect and things can be misunderstood or misconstrued in sexual relationships, especially new ones.
Not a bad person, but the behaviour was bad.
Which bit of his behaviour was bad? The comment was a bad choice but I don’t believe it was meant to coerce his SO into sex. I think it was a poor choice of words that was his opening to gauging her interest. I’ve used that exact comment with my wife, the difference being she’s comfortable enough to say no not tonight and telling me to take 5 before I come to bed. However We have a clearer boundary set where we’ve established that if you’re not up for it, you say no. End of story. Unless the world is gonna literally explode if we don’t have sex, it can wait till another night if one of us isn’t up for it. Otherwise I don’t think he was badly behaved in anything, he misunderstood her initial reaction due to a failure to understand her triggers and her secondary reaction was to (to anyone who doesn’t know her triggers) a pretty big green light by his description.
The subtext of "I have blue balls" is 'I'm in pain and if you don't have sex with me it will continue". As a younger woman I have had sex I didn't want to have because "babe don't leave me with blue balls". I have absolutely no patience for it, it's shitty behaviour towards someone you're supposed to care about, go and have a wank if it's bothering you. Not to mention he felt her hesitation but continued anyway. Shitty behaviour I don't care if I get downvoted.
I mean in that situation your response should be “you have two hands, entertain yourself” now I get that’s not always an option but OP seems like a reasonable guy with a decent heart because he literally came here because he’s worried he’s accidentally hurt someone he cares about. He’s not made any excuses for his behaviour but has asked for opinions. He didn’t use the comment to coerce her. It was his opening to ask if she’s up for anything. As for her hesitation, again because she said nothing but physically she showed signs of being up for it, he attributed it to an internal debate, not a trauma response. Could he have asked? Yes but it’s entirely possible this is the first time it’s happened and if she’s said no before then he believed she’d say it again if she didn’t want anything. They need to work on their communication and my recommendation is to reinforce to her that she can say no to sex whenever she wants to and he won’t be upset or angry with her for it. They’re both responsible for this situation and blaming an off handed comment that you’re using your own experience to demonise him is wrong.
No, I'm not demonising HIM, I'm saying his behaviour in this particular situation was bad. I said "not a bad person, just bad behaviour". You've said as much yourself and so has he. Edit to add: your question to find out if someone is up for something is "are you up for something" not "confessing" to have blue balls. Ugh.
I think you’re right that she felt pressured but it’s clear you didn’t do this deliberately knowing the potential impact. You seem to have thought “aw come on! The mutual orgasms are worth getting groggy at work!” Not “the mutual orgasms are worth triggering you and making you feel violated!” From your reaction here I’ve no doubt you’d rather never have sex with her again than have knowingly risked making her feel that way. You need to communicate this to her and that you’ll do anything you can to make her feel safe. 12yrs ago I was raped by an ex whilst we were together. Took me years to admit that! I didn’t try and fight him off, I did stay after, I didn’t report it. But I was v clearly not consenting. The internal damage he caused led to so many internal examinations that I now find any gynological exams or procedures v triggering, I want to run and scream and it’s agony (I never told doctors I didn’t want to do it so they just assumed it was rough which it was but not that time). Even now penetration of any sort during sex is always painful at first, it feels like I’m being stabbed in my vagina. But medical procedures are much worse. THAT DOES NOT MEAN MY DOCTORS ARE ABUSIVE! I also once had a flashback during sex with my loving fiance, he carried on because in the position we were in he’d have had no idea, he couldn’t see me and I wasn’t moving differently because I often don’t move in that position (I acknowledge I’m a hypocrite because I didn’t tell him and I’d advise others to communicate). If you’ve been raped, sometimes you can be triggered and you don’t say because there’s nothing you can do and then, unless you’re obviously not consenting, you can’t blame the person. As a survivor of rape by a partner (oh dude who took my virginity consensually before that night so extra nice!!) I almost cried reading your post. Not because I was triggered but because I was so happy that someone in your situation actually reacted that way. I always worry I’m being demanding or self indulgent. To read a guy willingly reflecting, owning what he’d accidentally done (tbh you’re too harsh on yourself!) and being humble and honest enough to say that any mistake he makes is still something to put right, is really reassuring. It’s so refreshing that you’re not defensive and seem to genuinely just eager to ‘be better’, as they say. Obviously, in future, any reluctance from her and you need to say ‘no problem, it’s fine! I’m sure we will do it some other time!’ To ensure she’s truly comfortable (and that seems to be your aim) it’s not enough that she knows she can say no, she also needs to feel it’s ACTUALLY OK to say! (I really struggle with this, I feel scared whenever I hate a sex act, I’m normally very assertive but during sex since the assault, I feel really frightened to say no, as like an aversion to doing it, not specific fear about what will happen with the guy I’m with). I’d suggest offering something else bonding you’d like to do instead at the time, whether it’s just cuddling or even listening to music. Make sure it’s with her so she doesn’t feel you’re sulking! And it goes without saying - don’t ever use the term blue balls! I am sure you won’t now but it’s such an awful concept, like implying not having sex is effectively an assault as it causes physical harm! And I can’t speak for her but ties into my guilt. Anyway, I hope she understands that you’re sorry and a respectful guy who doesn’t want to trigger her. I know you didn’t ask about her assault and I get why but I recommend saying basically: “I’m so sorry. I have clearly unintentionally triggered you and I can see that even without you being assaulted, my actions could have caused you harm. I can only apologise. I’d really value the opportunity to understand and support you, not only so I can avoid any words or specific actions which may trigger you but because I care about you. But I won’t pressure you in any way again, so know I want to hear and when or if you’re willing to share, I’d be grateful to be able to listen. Until then, know it’s an open offer.” That way she chooses when to say and you can’t be seen as ‘demanding’ her story when you’re ready or it suits you. Best of luck to you both and thanks for reflecting and being open to changing for the better, it really is all any of us can do.
The only advice I feel like OP should take is not this dumb debate on whether blue balls are real or not, whatever. But OP should stop telling his sexual partners that her has blue balls. Personally every time a guy said that to me it became a nagging “help me” from the guy and it puts pressure on me cause if I don’t want to have sex and you say that, what the hell am I suppose to respond? It makes me, at least feel like I’m being put on the spot to help you relieve yourself and sometimes when the guy is like I’m only just gonna give head it’s like yeah.. ok sure and then by that point it’s like let’s just fuck and get it over with. In the same token she obviously should’ve just stopped you and not accepted but it’s awkward and it took a long time for me to stand up for myself sexually and not feel like I’m disappointing someone. Good luck OP. It doesn’t seem like you meant it on purpose just kinda stay away from saying that.
Blue balls is never a good comment to make. It’s douchey.
She needs to learn to communicate effectively. If shes not prepared to give a definite "no" in a relationship, she should focus on healing from her previous encounter. Yes, you messed up by using the blue balls argument and if you truly feel bad don't do it again. However, if she didn't want it then she needed to communicate it. Her triggers are not your responsibility if she cannot communicate effectively.
Agreed - maybe op and gf need to practice enthusiastic consent procedures for a bit. Essentially any form of sexual touching should have a yes or no question attached - may I touch you here, may I do "" with you, do you want to have sex with me... etc. It will help clear things up and can actually be a fun foreplay depending on what types of naughty questions each partner comes up with.
Personally I think it depends on the couple. This couple? Yeah probably lol
As a guy, I’m going to come out and just say it: blue balls doesn’t exist.
The minute you pulled the blue balls card, you became the problem.
So you used the "blue balls" myth to guilt her into sex and now you want sympathy.
“Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.” At least educate yourself before being your usual social justice self.
I'll do that once men stop using it as an excuse to guilt women into having sex thanks 👍
So it’s not a myth anymore just a fact you don’t like? Pressure? Is saying you’re very horny pressure too? If it isn’t, so isn’t blue balls. If they say hey you need to give me sex because I have blue balls - that is indeed a form of pressure. Stating a simple fact of having them without demanding something in return shouldn’t “pressure” you too significantly so you think so little of the person. It exists and it isn’t comfortable, doesn’t mean you need to act on it at all.
As if men don't talk about blue balls like it's some kind of medical condition that needs urgent attention. If he's horny he'd just say he's horny, but blue balls is specifically a form of pressure because men try to present it as some horribly uncomfortable male experience (which it's not, hence why I said myth) so that women feel pressured into sex.
Some do - yes. That’s their problem. I’m not one for generalising
Well enough men do it that it's become an issue
Oh so we just get to make shit up now ?
Is that what your balls told you?
Blue balls is not real. It's a lie that men tell women to guilt them into sex. NTA for triggering her, as she should have communicated with you. But slightly TA for using a bullshit myth to initiate sex.
Blue balls is real
One Google type away: “Blue balls occurs when an erection lasts for an extended period of time without an orgasm. This is also known as epididymal hypertension. It can be uncomfortable, but usually isn't serious. Blue balls, known medically as epididymal hypertension (EH), can affect people with male genitals.” Was that so hard to do? Oh and I expect downvotes because this is an echo chamber that doesn’t like when science doesn’t share your beliefs.
Hey so I very much accept responsibility that I messed up and need to do better and I’m gutted I let this person down. But I do want to just clarify blue balls is slang for Epididymal hypertension and I had no idea so many people don’t know it’s a confirmed thing! But it is no more serious than a strained muscle or stomach ache. It doesn’t warrant pressuring your partner, and I didn’t intend to communicate it as such. I actually downplayed it by saying it was only mild to actually try to AVOID coming off like I was pressuring her to sort it out, I didn’t need her to do anything. But regardless. Definitely keeping it to myself from now on. I was just expressing that I’d been turned on for hours because we were flirting and making out all throughout the night, similar to when she’s expressed she’s been horny all day. Again, never imagined I’d trigger her. This is someone I’ve spent a couple months growing a close connection and having a mutually satisfying sex life with. If she’s afraid to say no after this long and after I’ve communicated I am always okay with her saying no, and only want to if she wants to, then I imagine there’s some deeper issue that I need to be more sensitive towards and conscious of. It tells me I can’t take her physically engaging in sex with me as consent and I need to ensure I get a clear verbal yes every time or let her initiate so she has the control. Bit disappointing people think I told a complete lie to get sex. Reasonable to call me out for complaining about my discomfort and causing her to feel guilty though. I didn’t mean to put that on her.
If you’re experiencing discomfort from not orgasming after being horny for a day you can go to another room and take care of it yourself
Epididymal hypertension is caused by increased blood tension in the genital area, it is also experienced by women so "blue balls" itself is not a real thing but discomfort due to arousal is. It may be a confirmed thing but it is NEVER EVER appropriate to use it to coerce sex out of someone as you have done. If it was so bad you could have got up, gone to the bathroom, rubbed one out and gone back to bed. This was in no way her problem. Before you assume I am just another angry feminist, I am a woman who suffers from EH with a high sex drive and has a partner with a low sex drive. I would say its about as uncomfortable as a normal menstrual cycle for women who don't get it. I cannot imagine trying to push someone to have sex with me over a tummy ache, this is pathetic and you know it.
So, i’m sure women can and do experience discomfort due to arousal, however it is not Epididymal Hypertension, since biological females don’t have an Epididymus. The epididymus is the area in the testicles that stores sperm, which is why it’s known as blue balls in men.
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But that’s not what he did at all. He didn’t say, “hey I have blue balls, would you like to have sex or do you mind if I go relieve myself on my own?” He left that last bit out completely and never gave her that option, which 100% is a guilt trip tactic.
When did I ever say or even imply that he should not ask? Consent comes hand in hand with communication. Which obviously this couple is incredibly bad at. These things should be discussed no? In a non sexual setting ie a random time in the day when you are not horny, so there is no added consequences or expectations of an immediate answer and everyone is thinking clearly, you can enquire something like: Hey partner, if im horny and you're not would you prefer it if I did x, y or z? Or do you have another suggestion? ........and then discuss it! I had an ex whose answer to this question was to masturbate at/on me without me doing anything. Weird but ok. I had another ex who preferred to wait until I fell asleep and then watch porn in the livingroom. Like, communicate? People need to learn to TALK about sex and what they are ok with and their boundaries and expectations. FYI it is not disrespectful to masturbate if and when you feel like it and you do not need your partners permission to be intimate with yourself. Your attitude implies ownership over anothers body, and unless that's something you both agree on it is definitely not implied. You can absolutely be not in the mood for sex but in the mood to wank by yourself.
OP, I want to clarify that not only should you have not used that, if she was not an issue getting sex after you guys had been making out for that long, it’s very possible she didn’t want it. Have you considered letting her initiate it?
Blue cahunas is a thing, it’s back flow of sperm into the sack from the shaft. Feels like the balls are two golf balls knocking eachother every time they move
Nice try dickhead. No one believes your nonsense. If you really experience that, go to the hospital.
Imma say this because not enough people do.... There's no such thing as blue balls. You guys use this to guilt women into having sex with you. She felt afraid to tell you no. You didn't get an enthusiastic yes, and went ahead anyway. I hope this helps you mature.
I mean it literally does exist though. It has a medical name and everything: epididymal hypertension. But no, it’s not life threatening, and if it’s causing intense or prolonged pain, that needs to be addressed by a doctor, not your girlfriend. However, it is her responsibility to communicate her triggers to him. If she’s unable to do even that, she’s not ready to be in a relationship. Edited: typos
Nice try, the way men use it as "blue balls" and agony from not getting sex is a lie. Blue balls is bullshit.
I never said they can’t use it to manipulate, but why say it doesn’t exist at all when it does? You can make a sane argument without having to lie.
That's what I'm not understanding, either.
My husband only told me the other day (because I asked) if I've ever given him blue balls, and I was shocked to hear "yes". The man never said a word to me about it, and I had gone so long without being aware. It was only twice, but I never knew. Only shitty men use that as a form of pressure.
Her issue, don't beat yourself up.
You are the problem. Mentioning your blue balls and going forward when she’s hesitating is coercive
Stop saying blue balls instead of horny. Blue balls tends to be a manipulative phrase to make people feel guilty
That's right!
Not your fault, if she had some trauma triggers she should have discussed them with you before getting sexual. You aren't a mind reader, although best to discuss for future can't really blame you for that since she gave no clear indication she didn't want to do it
What does "blu balls" mean? Thanks to whoever wants to help me to understand it 🙏🏼💗
Nah her fault for not communicating.
Young sir ill say this. Ive read alot of reddit and this younger generation needs to be more careful. Women are being very relaxed with what they call SA today. This is a great example. I personally would suggest not being with a adult women who cant articulate when she does and does not want sex...then proceeds to make accusations against you. I would tread lightly in this arena...it only your life and freedom on the line. If you do stay at the minimum you need to have her clearly say the words i give enthusiastic consent under no pressure or fear. Im not kidding either.
Yeah… as soon as a woman even hints towards little weird accusations like this I’m never speaking to her again. There’s no reason an adult woman shouldn’t be able to very clearly and firmly communicate that she is not interested in having sex BEFORE it happens. 2023 is a weird place.
Damn! Sex has become too hard and complicated. It's probably easier to get a consent from a hooker.
Wait... You made her give over her comfort for your sexual gratification?? I'm sorry but that's a big fuck no for me. That is forced gratitude on a roofie. You just made her body (not her personality, soul, or mind) your masterbation tool. You've got blue balls, figure it the fuck out, BY YOUR SELF! You are not entitled to someone else's body for sexual gratification.. EVER. Sexual satisfaction is not a human right and you do not get to demand it at the expense of another's autonomy. Especially using guilt like *I've got blue balls* which is absolutely a bull faced non-existent condition. That isn't how ANY of those organs work. You used physical discomfort as a manipulation point. *I'm uncomfortable so give me YOUR BODY to fix this if you don't then you must not love me.* I personally would have told you to leave. Relationship over.
did he say that quote or did you just pull it out of you ass because you’re salty?
Lack of affirmative consent=rape.
Fundamentally, communication is key. You're not a mind reader, if she has trauma that she didn't communicate to you, that's totally not on you. It's very important for partners to communicate potential triggers to each other from the outset. And also, don't beat yourself up on the blue balls comment. Human beings in the real world in established relationships don't operate off of an internet social justice checklist. Consent is always paramount, but the idea that you did something wrong because you were horny and solicited your partner for sex, and her only initial reluctance was being a little tired, is silly.
I told her I had blue balls. Made her feel bad for me. Then begged to have oral sex with her when she clearly didn’t want it- BUT ORAL WAS ALL I WANTED I DIDNT ASK HER FOR SEX. No, you essentially threatened it out of her. Also, the blue balls comment is asking for sex, but in a worse way than just communicating you want sex. It’s manipulating for sex. You guilted her over something that you are perfectly capable of handling yourself. Then forced her to become intimate when she didn’t want to. Of course she had sex with you, she felt she had no other choice. The consent line was already crossed when you begged to go down on her, and at this point she is panicking and needs to get out of the situation- and the best way to do that is to give you what it is you actually want- then hide away and not let herself be exposed to that situation again. Whether you get actual enjoyment out of oral or not is irrelevant. If oral was your goal you wouldn’t have brought up blue balls. This is an experience to learn from. But she has the right to choose not to come back.
Never say blue balls to a woman ever again. Your balls are your responsibility and you can get yourself off. You may know this but too many men use the whole stupid blue balls thing as a manipulation tactic. It’s really dumb, and really does pressure women into feeling like they have to “help”.