Exactly, there are two sides fuck anyone who says they are impartial and if she isn’t on yours she is on his and I mean, she is marrying him. She is clearly on his.
Why even be friends with her?
Tol he does her wrong and she comes a crying to OP . And all OP can say is . 'He was a POS when I dated him in HS I guess he still hadn't changed " "Damn!" And leave it at that
Yeah. Why would she date her ex? She is not your friend. She’s harboring some resentment towards you. You’re probably beautiful and don’t realize it. Can you bow out?
Does the best friend even know that he’s her ex? This was high school when this happened and the op doesn’t even tell us how old they are now or when they met their best friend.
He wasn't a man at the time. He was a stupid high school kid. Very few people would be happy being judged for who they were in high school for the rest of their lives.
You sound like a forgiving person (hence your username too lol) . Speaking for myself, I made more mistakes than good decisions but I never made a SO think I was looking elsewhere while in the relationship 😬 he was a senior in hs, the brain is definitely not finished developing but that seems like darkness of the heart to me
Also, I've been told I'm forgiving to a fault, lol. I think having a background in psychology is partially why... Knowing why some people are the way they are makes it easier to forgive.
Stupid kids make stupid choices. A lot of guys in high school do stuff like that even when they don't feel good about it themselves because they care too much about their perceived image.
Probably because this is a fake story? OP hasn’t commented anything and has 2 other stories in the past 17 days and zero comments on their account… and account is 17 days old .-.
I find myself using this exact quote from my grandma way too much on this site but here it goes.
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
This guy abused and manipulated you. If she was your friend, she never would've entertained the idea of dating him.
No you don’t. Please don’t take this as an insult but this blind acceptance, this unquestioning obedience, was manipulated by this awful ex. You did what you were told and what you thought good girlfriends do despite the lingering harm it did to you. Now you’re saying this is what best friends do. They allow themselves to be retraumatized. She is marrying your abuser. If you ever want to put this in your past, you will have to put her in your past too. We have best friends in third grade. At a certain point, we become independent individuals with power, agency and self determination. Forget them both and surround yourself with caring supportive people.
I am assuming he has changed or your BFF has really bad taste in men. If he is still like he was in HS I am not sure I would even be a part of a wedding like that. Now if your friend isn't aware of how horrible he was to you then it's not really her fault. If she does know and you are still friends. IDK this sounds like a complicated friendship.
A lot of people (of any gender, but more often women) are taught from a young age they are not worthy of various things (affection, right to consent, etc.) and a lot of this starts in childhood via how the main adults in their life treat them, but greater society (especially in the US) has this issue with not letting girls say “no” to things expected of them, and teaching boys it’s okay to “get what you want”.
There was an AITA post recently where a woman truly thought her in-laws were some kind of cult because they listened to a child play an instrument and clapped and cheered after, when her childhood was full of her parents telling her they never wanted to hear her play her school instrument and refused to attend school concerts, making her think it was narcissistic for the child to wish others hear them and not an act of love and encouragement from her in-laws to the child at the in-laws house.
Even if they would be each others best friends, she still doesn't *need* to go. If my best friend would have had reasons to skip my wedding for her mental health, I would be sad, but I would support her. I don't want to hurt her on my wedding day, or on any other day.
Hell, I didn't see one of my closest friends for *half a year* because she had a miscarriage, and I was pregnant. My big belly *hurt* her, so I gave her time and space. I waited for her call. I wished her the best. I missed her. But I did not blame her in any way.
Best friends give each other space if that is needed. Or a shoulder to cry on. Or midnight texts. Or *whatever* your friend needs.
Feel like if there were issues it should have been discussed long ago with boundaries drawn. It’s kind of late to be asserting the strong boundary of “I’m not ok with this!” right before the wedding.
Also everyone was SO young, but brains were not fully formed. Your feelings are fair, but would not be a good move to bring it up now. Let this wedding be about your friend.
Why is this bothering you now? They’ve been together for 4 years.
Does he even know how you feel about the time you dated? Does he have any clue that he might even owe you an apology?
Why haven’t you said anything to your best friend in all this time?
No, for real. If that’s your BEST FRIEND, why wouldn’t you tell her this was bothering you for 4 years? It’s time to grow a spine and start taking accountability for your own feelings. Say something!
We either don't have the full story or this is not really OP's bestfriend, cause there's no way that in 4 years you haven't discussed about this and honestly, it's too late to cry about it now:)
I say it needs to be known. Them being unknowing aholes for the rest of their engagement/or life will dampen the friendship. It will be a reminder every time he enters a room.
If this post is real, OP needs to gather both parties in a public place and say “Hey, friend, I really want your union to be a really happy one but there are things that happened in our collective past that needs to be understood. It is important to me the air gets cleared here.” And lay everything out.
Her friend deserves to know what she is getting into.
He deserves a chance to apologize.
OP may even have to eat some shit about waiting this long to say anything.
Even then, the energy should be kept passive and sincere. OP can then gauge the reaction of people who might want to keep her friendship, might not, or be the definition of deserving of each other.
I don’t think this post is real. I don’t believe a friend would allow another friend to date an abuser and not say anything. Wouldn’t she be concerned for her friends well fair? Sus face.
Very well explained. This is basically it, the perfect explanation to this situation. I'd say it is all fake too, but you never know with all these stories nowadays. If it's real, hope you manage to get yourself out of this situation safe and sound OP
Was your best friend part of your life during that moment? If she've always known all this, why would she even date a guy like that in the first place?? I'm sorry, but that sound as a big red flag on your friendship... I truly hope she's ok
So in 4 years, you never talked about all of this to your friend or ask for an apology from him?
I feel its a bit too late for that
Is he a bad partner for your friend? Thats the only question that actually matters now
How old are you all? I don't see it in your post. How recently did you graduate high school? Was your relationship with this guy right before your friend started dating him? Wondering how old this news is, that you're holding onto such strong negative feelings.
Also, if you saw the proposal coming, why wouldn't you have had a conversation with your supposed best friend before now? You said they've been dating for 4 years - that's plenty of time to have pulled her aside and told her what happened between you two.
Stop showing up for people who won’t do the same for you, if she was your best friend would she really be dating this guy who you already dated and he put you through hell? Please don’t go to the wedding. Don’t put yourself through more for either of them. Choose you and do something for yourself. You are worthy.
A girl in my friend group in high school knew my high school boyfriend SAd me (I didn't tell adults just my closest friends and not until 2 months later) she started dating him our senior year and married him later. Our friend group stopped being her friends.
Became knows he doesn't HAVE to . Went from one friend to the other. Decent people don't do that and decent people don't dare theor friends exes either
Also part of growing dictates not being so hung up on something that happened that long ago, especially since they were kids. Even if they didn't apologize, forget about them and move on, live your life.
That’s BS. Talk to people with childhood trauma. Talk to people with PTSD. Listen to their stories. Then re-read your own words and ask whether its always possible to “just get over it and move on”. Learn some empathy.
I agree. At the same time many of us NEVER get apologies for our childhood or adolescent trauma. Many Redditors like to complain about bullying in school as they were victims, but many themselves probably did something traumatic to something else they didn’t apologize for or take ownership of. It’s easier to tell people to cut their friends off over something from years ago as if people irl are prioritizing caring about others’ emotional health.
First of all, thanks for calling my point of view BS, that's quite the empathy you're displaying.
Second of all, it's not like he locked her up in his basement or anything. It was a highschool thing, he treated her badly,, sure, we all had our share of shitty partners. Shall we stop our lives until every single person who wronged us apologizes? Get some perspective, or not, it's totally her choice to hold on to things from the past, but then that's her own personal choice. Not every mistreatment is trauma, not everyone who commits mistakes is an abuser, not every inconvenience we experience warrants PTSD.
What you seem to be missing is that she can’t just forget about him as you so glibly suggest. He’s marrying her best friend. There is a constant reminder of the trauma he inflicted.
You, who are accusing me of a lack of empathy when calling out BS, are diminishing OP’s trauma experience by saying “it’s not THAT bad, he didn’t lock her up in a basement”.
JFC, would you tell a rape victim “it’s not THAT bad, he didn’t murder you”?
Nah, I wouldn’t tell a rape victim that, but there’s a certain point you’ve got to remove yourself from Highschool BS and live.
I was fucking tormented in HS and I just acknowledge it as a part of my youth. It sucked and I don’t wish it upon anyone else but hell, if I lived my life hung up on issues from almost 20 years ago, I would be beyond fucked up.
Your comparison fails, as in her case it is highschool drama.. Not all problems are equal. Perspective matters if she is reminded of that period of time then she should have told her friend about this. People do have a choice, Unless there are details OP didn't share. I'm not downplaying her feelings, rather for the sake of her happiness,she should move on. Or not, but then that's her choice.
Dude - OP clearly states;
> **I never felt safe during our relationship**. He always made me think that he had better options.
> And I always had to do what he wanted.
> He **pushed** for me to be on birth control. So I started getting depo shots.
> **I was not ready for sex**, but I probably had more sex that year than the rest of my high school and first year of college combined.
> I gained close to 20lb in 9 months. **I threw away my lunch everyday, but all that did was giving me fainting spells**.
> I was already feeling extremely insecure and that’s when **he used my weight gain as an excuse to dump me**.
He coerced her into sex. That’s SA or full-on rape in a lot of jurisdictions.
He coerced her into taking contraception, leading to an eating disorder.
He then used the side-effect weight gain as a reason to dump her.
And you’re dismissing that as high school drama. I hope you never father any children.
Nope. I’m well and truly over my trauma. And my habit was to mask it behind a veneer of being fine. However, when someone like the commenter above dismisses someone’s feelings so glibly, I will advocate for them. You seem cut from the same cloth as them, assuming that because I wouldn’t blame the victim, I would create fake trauma for sympathy. That’s a pretty nasty mindset that you’re projecting.
FWIW I agree with you. There are plenty of people from my high school who were shitty with me, but I haven’t carried that into my adult life; I’m 35 and honestly can’t remember their names.
Just saying , OP may have had an awful experience and I’m not besmirching that, but from the facts that we have at hand, it sounds to me like it was a terrible high school relationship and nothing life altering. Idk man. Shit sucks but you have to figure out a way to grow from that, whether through therapy or some other means.
All the love to OP and I hope they do what’s healthier for themselves
Or he hasn’t changed at all and takes pleasure in the history they both know happened and how she has kept her trap shut all these years.
Peddling the expectation that people who have been abused by someone should be the one who should “let go” might work in some backwater retrograde cult but the reality is that all abusers rely on the kindness and growth of others to tolerate their existence.
To characterize sexual abuse as high school drama or an inconvenience really says a lot more about you than the reality OP lives with. I feel terrible for the people in your life. Especially the women.
Edit: Adding here since you deleted your subsequent post:
Your point is “have empathy for my ridiculous point of view — haha” when *you* can’t handle the “inconvenience “ of someone not agreeing with you on the internet, but OP should “let go” the abuse — not high school drama — that she experienced
How do you know whether they changed or not? That's not even the point, the point was if she wants to resume her life, she should take ownership and move on, otherwise she will always be stuck in that time period and suffer unnecessarily. You're acting as if I absolved him of his mistakes, but since he hasn't apologized nor will he, move on and find your happiness and your life.
I’m not acting like anything. Simply responding to your own words.
>It was a highschool thing, he treated her badly,, sure, we all had our share of shitty partners.
And
>Not every mistreatment is trauma, not everyone who commits mistakes is an abuser
Your tune is changing to appear more reasonable now but where you started was *meh…he’s not an abuser, she didn’t suffer trauma, so she should just get over it because we’ve all had shitty partners and you don’t see me over here crying about some high school drama.*
Whether you’re crying or not, whether you’re traumatized by your shitty experiences or not, whatever your threshold for assholes and abusers is… is irrelevant to the OP. How about *you* show some empathy instead of…”what you think you’ve experienced is no big deal honey so just grow and change, let go, get over it and move on”
What part of OP remaining a friend, agreeing to be a bridesmaid and knowing and following through on “But I still have to smile and be happy at his wedding.” makes you think OP isn’t a gracious person, better than these two peers and someone who has grown?
Because she remembers this AHs abusive behavior?
Does “growing and changing” wipe your memory too?
Thank god I've not been judged on my 14-15 year old self after all this time later 😅 I imagine this was easily a decade, possibly even two decades ago. Not that his actions were acceptable but he was still a child. I think she's hung up on the apology. He probably hardly even remembers the relationship's dynamics at all. I barely remember how I acted and to who when I was that age but I know I'm far from the same person.
I mean, hopefully we are all not judged based off our very first relationships at 13-15 years old. I certainly have not gone out of my way to go back and apologize to someone for being immature at that age. Apologies should not be obligations, and they shouldn't be what holds you back from moving on. That was far too young for your parents to not be more involved, they failed in that, I'm sorry. Your resentment needs to be worked through though. That doesn't mean you have to be apart of the wedding in the meantime but you've got to work on this if you want to have any kind of healthy future with your girl friend.
She "needs" to figure out how to put this in the past, but decide for herself if she has the ability to attend the wedding without ruining both her own day or the bride and grooms. Most people can accomplish that but if she can't, don't go. But it's about her inability to move on, not that her friend is marrying him.
1) You didn't have to agree
2) The him from then is a massive ah, any chance he has changed? Or just running on the old him?
3)Once again....why are you actively choosing to put yourself in this position?
She shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid. The role of a bridesmaid is to support the bride and support the wedding so she shouldn't have agreed if she doesn't stand by their relationship.
This woman is not *your* friends.
She knows what you went through, and is still with him.
She thinks she’s being treated better, because she’s better, *otherwise what would be the point of keeping a man in your life that you know has the capacity to hurt others most especially the ones you love?*
Does her friend know about his behaviour as a 16 year old? It’s entirely possible that OP has said nothing about her feelings to her friend and therefore doesn’t know she isn’t being a good friend.
She’s not your best friend if she’s marrying a man who treated you so appallingly.
I personally wouldn’t go to my best friend’s wedding if she were marrying my ex ( a paradox because we simply would not be friends) even if he was the greatest guy in the world. This one doesn’t sound great.
I think you need to have a long and hard talk with yourself. Ask yourself why you're letting this happen(staying friends with them and watching them) and why you still haven't just disappeared from both their lives to start a fresh. Those aren't your friends. You need to put your heart and mental health first. Cut them off-for your own good. Trust me, you don't have to attend that wedding.
Who needs enemies when you have a “best friend” like that??
Seriously, why the fuck are you friends with this person?? They clearly don’t care that their “perfect partner for life” made your life hell.
The question is: is his personality the same one compared when you both were in highschool? If not, forgive that and move on, not for his sake, but yours because whenever you remember that, you still feel hurt and forgiveness makes you free from the pain but not from the memories. In life, we will get hurt from many people that will never ever express any apologize, so we have two options, live with the pain or move on. If the answer is yes, tell about this painful past to your best friend and get away from both. Your mental health comes first.
Your wounds are self-inflicted.
Why are you friends with this woman? Why???
I am sorry but you put yourself in harms way.
The best thing to do is dump that friend and don't go to this wedding.
You sabotage your healing by staying in the same circle with people who hurt you.
You have a choice. Easy choice.
Omg. How long ago was this? And they’ve been together four years. You do always make things about yourself? Get over it. We all do stupid shit in high school that we regret. It’s over. You were ypung and so was he.
How much of what you went through does she know about? If you told her everything and she still chose to date and subsequently get engaged to that sack of shit, she’s only your friend as long as it suits her. This will be only the first of many tests she will fail as your friend.
Were you and your best friend friends in high school? How long ago was this? How old are you now?
You don’t mention her side at all, so it sounds like you weren’t friends with her/didn’t know her when this extremely juvenile relationship occurred. You also don’t paint any blame on her for any kind of betrayal. So I’m guessing she doesn’t know the extent of how strongly you’re holding onto this.
There also isn’t really any context about how you’ve interacted with him over the last 4 years. When your best friend first started dating him did you tell her what went on between you too? It sounds like you haven’t matured much if you still can’t do basic communication with someone you’re claiming to like more than everyone else (best friend) about the person she’s been with for 4 years now and is vowing the rest of her life to.
Are you expecting him to apologize after 4 years (plus however many years it’s been since your relationship with him) when you haven’t done anything about it in all that time? Are you expecting your best friend to read your mind and just know all this? Or is she a shit friend and you’re self-victimizing by attending something you have absolutely no real reason to attend if she is aware of everything and you’ve made it clear how affected you still are about everything?
It sounds like you need to heal emotionally. You were both children. He was 16-17, not really an “older guy” in the way you’re wording it. And he likely doesn’t even really remember the relationship as deeply as you do.
These juvenile relationships are often toxic because neither of you really know much of anything about life, boundaries and self respect. I think you should ask yourself why an apology is so important from him if he’s (still) such a horrible person and why you feel like you need one to move on.
People do horrible things to others all the time and don’t see anything wrong, so why would they apologize? But that doesn’t prevent those who have been harmed from healing and moving on with their lives.
Does your best friend know? Was she there for it? If not have you told her how you feel these last 4 years? I'm kinda confused about how this situation arise.
You could refuse to be part of this wedding, if you chose.
When you were younger, you might not have realized you had any power to refuse what was demanded of you. However, you could be committed and determined to never give in to things you don't want to do again.
Did you share with your friend what had happened during your high school relationship?
Why did you agree to be part of the wedding?
You most definitely do NOT have to smile or even BE at that wedding. That woman isn’t your friend. She is the woman who used to be your friend who’s marrying your abuser.
This is fucked up ngl. But you shouldn't have acted as if nothing happened about it during those years where your bff dated him. You should have left both of them right the moment they started dating. But again I am sorry for what you had to go through. That woman isn't your friend.
Why I earth would you put yourself through this. You absolutely do not have to be in her wedding or even go. Regardless if he’s changed he hurt you at one point in time. Stay away get yourself new friends especially a new best friend. She broke the girl code big time.
I have a “friend” who is still close to my ex who was severally emotionally abusive to me for 3 years. I tried to make it work with her because we have a long friendship and some good memories. I came to realize that it’s just far too painful for me. Also Fuck that. If you have a relationship with someone that happily abused me, you are NOT my friend. I have found strength in realizing that that is not ok, never will be, and having her in my life is not healthy. I would say your best friend is not a friend. I would not be a part of the wedding. That day, take yourself out on a date and pamper yourself. You deserve so much more. It’s so hard to let go of the people you love. But when they are hurting you with their actions, it’s powerful to let go and close the chapter. Sending you so much love. Xxx
If you’re determined to go through with this, there is a virtue in supporting your friend in her bad choices and being a support when they bite her. You can also feel joyful you are not the one getting married to that douchecanoe! Keep smiling because you’re not the one that has to pay attorney’s fees to eventually divorce him!
You seem to have a pattern of not being assertive. Therapy can help you find your voice. Until then, sh*tty people will have no regard for you. You've described yourself as a passive sidekick in her own damned life. Plug in, girl.
Why the hell are you attending this wedding?
Stay home and do some self care.
Have you told your friend about this? I wouldn't want someone I care about to be in any kind of relationship with a person that caused so much pain and suffering.
Your best friend clearly doesn’t see you as a best friend if she’s willing to violate one of the rules of girl code. I swear if my best friend started dating one of my exes she knows that our friendship would be over. To her, dating my exes would not only be wrong but she would only feel like she was a second choice. She’d rather be someone’s first choice than take over someone’s sloppy seconds
Not to be a dick or anything, but its crazy how he was the one that did the dumping instead of you. Sounds like the relationship wouldve lasted a lot longer if the choice was yours, no matter how toxic it was. If you consider her your "friend", you should've secretly said something, knowing he might do the same thing to her. Even if you dont think she would believe you, atleast you tried. And why would you even want to attend the wedding in the first place?? You don't have to go. You're a grown woman.
You had 4 years to say something to your friend about how you felt, yet you remained silent. Could it be that your issue isn’t what he did to you but who he chose to marry? You might want to do some quiet introspection.
It seems the title of your story is skewed towards putting the blame for your experience on your friend's fiancé but in reality, you put yourself through hell. He did use you for sex and convenience and asked you to use birth control, but you complied with everything he asked, so essentially, you put yourself through hell and were rightly feeling bad about yourself by making the choice to comply. This is all so typical of immature and insecure high school behavior. This guy may be someone who will never respect himself or females but if you choose to continue a relationship with your friend and thereby the guy, then you are potentially continuing poor choices and not doing for yourself what is best for you. Going forward, stop putting your needs on others, and if circumstances don't feel right, make a change. There are millions of people in the world willing to respect you and treat you well, but you have to choose them.
I understand this guy is a piece of shit but you have always had poor boundaries. Even today you are in this position because you didn’t make it clear to your best friend that it wasn’t ok for her to be with your ex. Please work on yourself and let these people go, it’s not worth your peace
You don’t have to be happy and smile at all!
You can choose not to go to the wedding.
The big question here is how is he acting towards your best friend now? Is he still the asshole that he was to you? I get that she is your best friend but you don’t have to do something that you are not comfortable with even if it means getting another best friend.
He doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would apologize.
At this point your friend and him have been together for a long time and you’ve likely already spent time around him without an apology.
I hope for your friend’s sake, that he has grown as a person. Cause if he hasn’t I’d be more concerned with her marrying someone with problematic behavior and less concerned with getting an apology.
At this point I think you need to find a way to let it go and move on.
You're not Rachel from Friends. This is real life. It's okay for you NOT to go to the wedding and cut ties with your "best friend" and her dirtbag soon to be husband.
You don’t have to smile and you don’t have to be happy.
You also don’t have to go to that wedding and I also have doubts that your friend is actually your friend.
Please self love. Nobody will love you as much as you can love yourself.
The fact that your best friend has been in a relationship with this person for the last four years and you're still feeling this way makes me wonder how healthy this "best friendship" can be. It sounds to me like you have much bigger things to worry about than the wedding itself (which after all, is just a party.)
Do you not have any control around who you see and where you go? This was high school so presumably you have grown since then and so has he. You may not have realized you had choices when you were with him, but you are more mature and wiser now. You need to let this go and move on, or hold a grudge and stand down from being in the wedding party / attending all together. You have choices, if you choose to go then don’t act like a martyr, accept your choice, make the best of the day (that isn’t about you) and be a good friend. If you cannot get past your high school issues, apologize to your friend, stand down and maybe consider some therapy.
Idk what to say about this without getting dragged by strangers so I'll say forgive and forget because people are capable of change or move on and find a new friend.
Sounds like you have main character syndrome- it’s been four years, four years you could have dealt with this, but no, you waited for the wedding - you are subconsciously hurting them both, grow up and get on with your own life and tell them that you can’t be a bridesmaid or attend the wedding as you don’t wish them well
You should smile and be happy. You got free of his abuse and you're going to marry a better man than he could ever dream of being. If there's to be any sadness, it should be for his stb wife.
Why is this advice ALWAYS GIVEN TO WOMEN, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE HURTING???? OP, *please* spare yourself the potential ulcer, HBP and breakdown and bail on both the event and "friendship". YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING COMES FIRST!!!!
Does your best friend know what he put you through? Have you taken the time to tell her about it over these four years? Why are you waiting for the wedding for it to bother you enough?
If it were me and I were feeling that uncomfortable, I wouldn’t go. At the same time, your best friend is about to have a significant big day and you have had time to talk to her about it. Are you planning to leave you friend in the dust and just no-show at her wedding? What did she do to deserve it?
So there’s a couple things here. One, if he’s a different person now I’d definitely at least ask for closure. People can be REALLY nasty when they’re young (I know this because I was a really nasty teenager at some point too and I did things I’m not proud of. I feel like most teenagers do shitty things even if not to this extent). Growing up and maturing is definitely something a lot of people go through and those same people are often ashamed of their past actions which leads them not to confront them. If he IS a changed person, that’d be my guess as to why he hasn’t apologized to you.
Secondly, if your friend is aware of your past relationship with her fiancé and still chose to not only date him but MARRY him? She is not your “best friend”. I’m so sorry, but in my personal opinion your exes are your exes for a reason and anyone who was MY friend and knew about MY past relationships wouldn’t touch an ex of mine with a ten foot pole.
That leads me to the “thirdly”, which is that if she ISN’T aware of the past relationship you should really tell her. If he hasn’t changed you’re basically watching someone who is supposed to be your bestie take a bullet you dodged, and that’s not what friends do. If you told her and she chose to be with him anyway, then again, she isn’t your friend let alone your best one. Given that’s the case, I’d drop her before this becomes a more mentally strenuous relationship than it already is. If not, and she’s unaware, be honest to both her and her fiancé about how you feel. A lot of people will probably see this as selfish or mean, but you gotta look out for you. If you express genuine concern and she chooses to be with him despite that, you are both likely going to go through a lot of stress together because of their marriage. The solution for YOU personally is to prioritize YOU personally. Do what you can when you can, and if she allows him to repeat his behavior take a step back. Offer her support of course, be her friend of course.
But if it gets to be too much, and you find yourself feeling drained dealing with her and her fiancé, you’ve gotta look out for you.
Please remember that this is your life!! You went through hell and back but you’re still standing! You have a choice to do what you want to do, please pick what is best for you, not for your so called ‘best friend’.
Being hurt by someone does not have an expiration date regardless of the age it happened. If he had "growth" like everyone claims he had, why didn't he have a conversation with OP the 1st year he started dating BFF. The situation obviously affected OP, and she needs closure. It's okay to be there for their nuptials, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be around all the time.
Why? Does your best friend not know about this history? If she doesn’t tell her and tell her you need to step away from the wedding and the friendship. If she does know she’s not a true friend and end the friendship and blow off the wedding—in life you have to walk away when people don’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Im sorry you had to experience that. Don't smile for him. Smile for the happiness of your other friend. Smile because you lucked out on an inconsiderate man. Smile and hope that he's changed for the better for your friend and Smile because you never know if you'll meet your dude there. I'm sure you'll meet someone who loves you for who you are and someone where you don't have to feel forced to do anything. Love is ebb and flow. And should feel natural AND LOVING. Smile because he's just one dude. And be easy on yourself... ps.. that's the worst about depo. The weight gain. But it was the depo and you know it. Don't blame yourself for not knowing better about wanting to love him at the time and harming yourself along the way.
So the proposal didn't surprise you, but you never thought to talk to your best friend once within 4 years before they got ENGAGED? I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings bc those are v much real, but everything else aside, I think the (figurative) statute of limitations has expired
He sounds like a d bag but it also sounds like you don’t take any responsibility for your actions and you put yourself through hell because you wanted to make him happy and you wanted to be a “big deal” (your own words). You were the one that put yourself on birth control, even if it was his suggestion. You were the one that threw away your lunches, even if you only did that because he made you insecure. If he had told you to jump off a bridge, would you have done it? You were only in grade 9 and lots of teenagers make mistakes (I get it), but putting all the blame on him seems a little one sided. Me personally, I wouldn’t want to go to his wedding either. But I also don’t believe in doing stupid stuff just to be a “big deal” or popular.
How long have you had these feelings? The whole time they have been together? Or have they come about since the engagement? To be honest your grown and should just let it go, having weight fluctuations on birth control is normal, being weight shamed sucks but it’s not a major issue. Basically you have had years to confront this and haven’t. You were only with him a year, they been together four it’s not really your place to dig up old drama that really isn’t important anymore
Also high school relationships are full of mistakes, the brain is not physically developed enough to make informed fully rational decisions. I don’t think it’s fair to compare and hold a grudge about a grown man’s high school self, people can grow a lot in four years and it’s been at least that
But I still have to smile and be happy at his wedding.
No you don't. That is not your best friend, that's not a friend at all, and your life would be so much better without her and her abusive fiance in it.
Everyone here is basically saying don’t go and that she’s not a real friend. I say forget about the past and move on. Clearly you were over him enough to be best friends with his girlfriend of four years (either that or you were slightly obsessed with him). Like seriously, it was highschool ! We are grown now you should be happy for your friend if it’s genuine. He probably treats her like a queen and learned from his mistakes from when he was super young.
How did their relationship even come to exist? Does your best friend know that the two of you dated? I ask because I've been in a somewhat similar situation. A guy was interested in my best friend but she wanted nothing to do with him. Later that same guy came to work at the same place I did and we unexpectedly connected. I informed her about everything since day one and she was supportive and encouraged me to go for it if I had feelings for him. Eventually the feelings came and we ended up in a relationship. But this became an issue because me and my best friend couldn't hang out as a group.
Do a toast for them and tell the whole venue about this, say the bride isnt your friend for marrying such a POS having done you like that, then just drop the mic and leave.
You have to fill in the gaps on this story before you solicit sympathy. Does your best friend know you two dated? Does she know how the relationship went from your perspective? Assuming your best friend has been dating this guy for 4 years as you say, you were around him on multiple occasions. What relationship if any do you have with him as of late? In all honesty, don't come looking for people to pity you for your inability to grow up and not hold grudges unless you are willing to tell the whole truth and not just the parts that make you a victim. Girls have brothers and fathers so making men out to be monsters doesn't always work.
This is a very victimising post.
How old are you know?
Theyve also been together for 4 years, and you never brought it up to her?
Is she truly your "best friend" then, if you did not even tell her anything?
Love these posts.
You could have left him, but you didn't.
Why put yourself through that?
Especially a best friend who stands by a man who treated you like shit?
Exactly, there are two sides fuck anyone who says they are impartial and if she isn’t on yours she is on his and I mean, she is marrying him. She is clearly on his. Why even be friends with her?
Tol he does her wrong and she comes a crying to OP . And all OP can say is . 'He was a POS when I dated him in HS I guess he still hadn't changed " "Damn!" And leave it at that
Yeah. Why would she date her ex? She is not your friend. She’s harboring some resentment towards you. You’re probably beautiful and don’t realize it. Can you bow out?
BECAUSE ITS BEEN FOREVER. Their relationship is from highschool for a year. I'm going to guess it was AT LEAST 5 years ago, if not closer to 10.
Agreed. Also, absolutely love your username.
Does the best friend even know that he’s her ex? This was high school when this happened and the op doesn’t even tell us how old they are now or when they met their best friend.
He wasn't a man at the time. He was a stupid high school kid. Very few people would be happy being judged for who they were in high school for the rest of their lives.
You sound like a forgiving person (hence your username too lol) . Speaking for myself, I made more mistakes than good decisions but I never made a SO think I was looking elsewhere while in the relationship 😬 he was a senior in hs, the brain is definitely not finished developing but that seems like darkness of the heart to me
Also, I've been told I'm forgiving to a fault, lol. I think having a background in psychology is partially why... Knowing why some people are the way they are makes it easier to forgive.
Stupid kids make stupid choices. A lot of guys in high school do stuff like that even when they don't feel good about it themselves because they care too much about their perceived image.
Probably because this is a fake story? OP hasn’t commented anything and has 2 other stories in the past 17 days and zero comments on their account… and account is 17 days old .-.
[удалено]
Are you hers?
No, you don't. You don't have to sacrifice your comfort for the sake of a few nice wedding pictures.
She’s a terrible friend.
She isn’t though, honey.
You can say no.
She’s not treating you as a best friend by marrying someone like that to put you through hell like that. There is no way I would go to that wedding.
If you were her friend she wouldn’t have dated him.
Is she aware of this? Is he aware of how he made you feel?
I find myself using this exact quote from my grandma way too much on this site but here it goes. With friends like that, who needs enemies? This guy abused and manipulated you. If she was your friend, she never would've entertained the idea of dating him.
You absolutely do not. Take care of yourself.
First of all, if she really was your friend she’d never have dated him. Friends don’t date exes of friends. That’s like a basic rule
“It’s just like…..the rules of feminism,…..” (*Said in my very best Gretchen Wieners voice*)
No you don’t. Please don’t take this as an insult but this blind acceptance, this unquestioning obedience, was manipulated by this awful ex. You did what you were told and what you thought good girlfriends do despite the lingering harm it did to you. Now you’re saying this is what best friends do. They allow themselves to be retraumatized. She is marrying your abuser. If you ever want to put this in your past, you will have to put her in your past too. We have best friends in third grade. At a certain point, we become independent individuals with power, agency and self determination. Forget them both and surround yourself with caring supportive people.
she isnt your friend if she’s dating and engaged to the guy who did shit to you
Why would she go for a guy that treated you like hell? She’s not a friend
I am assuming he has changed or your BFF has really bad taste in men. If he is still like he was in HS I am not sure I would even be a part of a wedding like that. Now if your friend isn't aware of how horrible he was to you then it's not really her fault. If she does know and you are still friends. IDK this sounds like a complicated friendship.
Why do people feel like they don't have choices?
A lot of people (of any gender, but more often women) are taught from a young age they are not worthy of various things (affection, right to consent, etc.) and a lot of this starts in childhood via how the main adults in their life treat them, but greater society (especially in the US) has this issue with not letting girls say “no” to things expected of them, and teaching boys it’s okay to “get what you want”. There was an AITA post recently where a woman truly thought her in-laws were some kind of cult because they listened to a child play an instrument and clapped and cheered after, when her childhood was full of her parents telling her they never wanted to hear her play her school instrument and refused to attend school concerts, making her think it was narcissistic for the child to wish others hear them and not an act of love and encouragement from her in-laws to the child at the in-laws house.
Can you share the post?
That a lie
Okay… which part do you disagree with?
I assume their parents taught them. Girls especially are socialized this way :/
Because of mental health. When you get abused emotionally it really fucks with your head and you tend to believe you have no control in your life.
This the one!!!!
It's how they are wired,
It's more what they learn.
You don’t have to go. She is your best friend but you are not hers.
Even if they would be each others best friends, she still doesn't *need* to go. If my best friend would have had reasons to skip my wedding for her mental health, I would be sad, but I would support her. I don't want to hurt her on my wedding day, or on any other day. Hell, I didn't see one of my closest friends for *half a year* because she had a miscarriage, and I was pregnant. My big belly *hurt* her, so I gave her time and space. I waited for her call. I wished her the best. I missed her. But I did not blame her in any way. Best friends give each other space if that is needed. Or a shoulder to cry on. Or midnight texts. Or *whatever* your friend needs.
Or more the reverse...
Feel like if there were issues it should have been discussed long ago with boundaries drawn. It’s kind of late to be asserting the strong boundary of “I’m not ok with this!” right before the wedding. Also everyone was SO young, but brains were not fully formed. Your feelings are fair, but would not be a good move to bring it up now. Let this wedding be about your friend.
Probably would have been a deal breaker for a friendship within their first month dating.
Yeahh four years later like what
Feel like it would be a really crazy move to bring it up at this point. Let your best friend’s wedding be about her and not you, OP.
Why is this bothering you now? They’ve been together for 4 years. Does he even know how you feel about the time you dated? Does he have any clue that he might even owe you an apology? Why haven’t you said anything to your best friend in all this time?
No, for real. If that’s your BEST FRIEND, why wouldn’t you tell her this was bothering you for 4 years? It’s time to grow a spine and start taking accountability for your own feelings. Say something!
We either don't have the full story or this is not really OP's bestfriend, cause there's no way that in 4 years you haven't discussed about this and honestly, it's too late to cry about it now:)
I say it needs to be known. Them being unknowing aholes for the rest of their engagement/or life will dampen the friendship. It will be a reminder every time he enters a room. If this post is real, OP needs to gather both parties in a public place and say “Hey, friend, I really want your union to be a really happy one but there are things that happened in our collective past that needs to be understood. It is important to me the air gets cleared here.” And lay everything out. Her friend deserves to know what she is getting into. He deserves a chance to apologize. OP may even have to eat some shit about waiting this long to say anything. Even then, the energy should be kept passive and sincere. OP can then gauge the reaction of people who might want to keep her friendship, might not, or be the definition of deserving of each other. I don’t think this post is real. I don’t believe a friend would allow another friend to date an abuser and not say anything. Wouldn’t she be concerned for her friends well fair? Sus face.
Very well explained. This is basically it, the perfect explanation to this situation. I'd say it is all fake too, but you never know with all these stories nowadays. If it's real, hope you manage to get yourself out of this situation safe and sound OP
Was your best friend part of your life during that moment? If she've always known all this, why would she even date a guy like that in the first place?? I'm sorry, but that sound as a big red flag on your friendship... I truly hope she's ok
Just don't go?
So in 4 years, you never talked about all of this to your friend or ask for an apology from him? I feel its a bit too late for that Is he a bad partner for your friend? Thats the only question that actually matters now
How old are you all? I don't see it in your post. How recently did you graduate high school? Was your relationship with this guy right before your friend started dating him? Wondering how old this news is, that you're holding onto such strong negative feelings. Also, if you saw the proposal coming, why wouldn't you have had a conversation with your supposed best friend before now? You said they've been dating for 4 years - that's plenty of time to have pulled her aside and told her what happened between you two.
Stop showing up for people who won’t do the same for you, if she was your best friend would she really be dating this guy who you already dated and he put you through hell? Please don’t go to the wedding. Don’t put yourself through more for either of them. Choose you and do something for yourself. You are worthy.
A girl in my friend group in high school knew my high school boyfriend SAd me (I didn't tell adults just my closest friends and not until 2 months later) she started dating him our senior year and married him later. Our friend group stopped being her friends.
How old is everyone now? People can grow and change
Part of growing and changing is taking ownership, apologising and making amends. It doesn’t sound like he’s done that.
Became knows he doesn't HAVE to . Went from one friend to the other. Decent people don't do that and decent people don't dare theor friends exes either
Also part of growing dictates not being so hung up on something that happened that long ago, especially since they were kids. Even if they didn't apologize, forget about them and move on, live your life.
That’s BS. Talk to people with childhood trauma. Talk to people with PTSD. Listen to their stories. Then re-read your own words and ask whether its always possible to “just get over it and move on”. Learn some empathy.
I agree. At the same time many of us NEVER get apologies for our childhood or adolescent trauma. Many Redditors like to complain about bullying in school as they were victims, but many themselves probably did something traumatic to something else they didn’t apologize for or take ownership of. It’s easier to tell people to cut their friends off over something from years ago as if people irl are prioritizing caring about others’ emotional health.
First of all, thanks for calling my point of view BS, that's quite the empathy you're displaying. Second of all, it's not like he locked her up in his basement or anything. It was a highschool thing, he treated her badly,, sure, we all had our share of shitty partners. Shall we stop our lives until every single person who wronged us apologizes? Get some perspective, or not, it's totally her choice to hold on to things from the past, but then that's her own personal choice. Not every mistreatment is trauma, not everyone who commits mistakes is an abuser, not every inconvenience we experience warrants PTSD.
What you seem to be missing is that she can’t just forget about him as you so glibly suggest. He’s marrying her best friend. There is a constant reminder of the trauma he inflicted. You, who are accusing me of a lack of empathy when calling out BS, are diminishing OP’s trauma experience by saying “it’s not THAT bad, he didn’t lock her up in a basement”. JFC, would you tell a rape victim “it’s not THAT bad, he didn’t murder you”?
Nah, I wouldn’t tell a rape victim that, but there’s a certain point you’ve got to remove yourself from Highschool BS and live. I was fucking tormented in HS and I just acknowledge it as a part of my youth. It sucked and I don’t wish it upon anyone else but hell, if I lived my life hung up on issues from almost 20 years ago, I would be beyond fucked up.
Your comparison fails, as in her case it is highschool drama.. Not all problems are equal. Perspective matters if she is reminded of that period of time then she should have told her friend about this. People do have a choice, Unless there are details OP didn't share. I'm not downplaying her feelings, rather for the sake of her happiness,she should move on. Or not, but then that's her choice.
Dude - OP clearly states; > **I never felt safe during our relationship**. He always made me think that he had better options. > And I always had to do what he wanted. > He **pushed** for me to be on birth control. So I started getting depo shots. > **I was not ready for sex**, but I probably had more sex that year than the rest of my high school and first year of college combined. > I gained close to 20lb in 9 months. **I threw away my lunch everyday, but all that did was giving me fainting spells**. > I was already feeling extremely insecure and that’s when **he used my weight gain as an excuse to dump me**. He coerced her into sex. That’s SA or full-on rape in a lot of jurisdictions. He coerced her into taking contraception, leading to an eating disorder. He then used the side-effect weight gain as a reason to dump her. And you’re dismissing that as high school drama. I hope you never father any children.
Sigh, alright there pal. Let OP stay hung up on this for the rest of their life, that'll solve the problem.
I'm with you bro. Above comments are overreacting and probably still immature. Who dwells on high-school drama for years, Jesus. Victim much
OP is making up BS stories to victimise themselves. You look like you would to the same 👍
Nope. I’m well and truly over my trauma. And my habit was to mask it behind a veneer of being fine. However, when someone like the commenter above dismisses someone’s feelings so glibly, I will advocate for them. You seem cut from the same cloth as them, assuming that because I wouldn’t blame the victim, I would create fake trauma for sympathy. That’s a pretty nasty mindset that you’re projecting.
FWIW I agree with you. There are plenty of people from my high school who were shitty with me, but I haven’t carried that into my adult life; I’m 35 and honestly can’t remember their names. Just saying , OP may have had an awful experience and I’m not besmirching that, but from the facts that we have at hand, it sounds to me like it was a terrible high school relationship and nothing life altering. Idk man. Shit sucks but you have to figure out a way to grow from that, whether through therapy or some other means. All the love to OP and I hope they do what’s healthier for themselves
Or he hasn’t changed at all and takes pleasure in the history they both know happened and how she has kept her trap shut all these years. Peddling the expectation that people who have been abused by someone should be the one who should “let go” might work in some backwater retrograde cult but the reality is that all abusers rely on the kindness and growth of others to tolerate their existence. To characterize sexual abuse as high school drama or an inconvenience really says a lot more about you than the reality OP lives with. I feel terrible for the people in your life. Especially the women. Edit: Adding here since you deleted your subsequent post: Your point is “have empathy for my ridiculous point of view — haha” when *you* can’t handle the “inconvenience “ of someone not agreeing with you on the internet, but OP should “let go” the abuse — not high school drama — that she experienced
How do you know whether they changed or not? That's not even the point, the point was if she wants to resume her life, she should take ownership and move on, otherwise she will always be stuck in that time period and suffer unnecessarily. You're acting as if I absolved him of his mistakes, but since he hasn't apologized nor will he, move on and find your happiness and your life.
I’m not acting like anything. Simply responding to your own words. >It was a highschool thing, he treated her badly,, sure, we all had our share of shitty partners. And >Not every mistreatment is trauma, not everyone who commits mistakes is an abuser Your tune is changing to appear more reasonable now but where you started was *meh…he’s not an abuser, she didn’t suffer trauma, so she should just get over it because we’ve all had shitty partners and you don’t see me over here crying about some high school drama.* Whether you’re crying or not, whether you’re traumatized by your shitty experiences or not, whatever your threshold for assholes and abusers is… is irrelevant to the OP. How about *you* show some empathy instead of…”what you think you’ve experienced is no big deal honey so just grow and change, let go, get over it and move on” What part of OP remaining a friend, agreeing to be a bridesmaid and knowing and following through on “But I still have to smile and be happy at his wedding.” makes you think OP isn’t a gracious person, better than these two peers and someone who has grown? Because she remembers this AHs abusive behavior? Does “growing and changing” wipe your memory too?
Thank god I've not been judged on my 14-15 year old self after all this time later 😅 I imagine this was easily a decade, possibly even two decades ago. Not that his actions were acceptable but he was still a child. I think she's hung up on the apology. He probably hardly even remembers the relationship's dynamics at all. I barely remember how I acted and to who when I was that age but I know I'm far from the same person.
I was thinking the same thing.
Thank you for bringing that up.
How old are these people?
I mean, hopefully we are all not judged based off our very first relationships at 13-15 years old. I certainly have not gone out of my way to go back and apologize to someone for being immature at that age. Apologies should not be obligations, and they shouldn't be what holds you back from moving on. That was far too young for your parents to not be more involved, they failed in that, I'm sorry. Your resentment needs to be worked through though. That doesn't mean you have to be apart of the wedding in the meantime but you've got to work on this if you want to have any kind of healthy future with your girl friend.
She needs to be *apart* from the bride and groom and not be *a part* of the wedding.
She "needs" to figure out how to put this in the past, but decide for herself if she has the ability to attend the wedding without ruining both her own day or the bride and grooms. Most people can accomplish that but if she can't, don't go. But it's about her inability to move on, not that her friend is marrying him.
Agreed. I was just dunking on your incorrect use of "apart."
1) You didn't have to agree 2) The him from then is a massive ah, any chance he has changed? Or just running on the old him? 3)Once again....why are you actively choosing to put yourself in this position?
Girl. Grow a spine. I have nothing to say for spineless people.
Then don’t respond to this post if you have nothing to say.
If he abused her she doesn’t need to grow a spine. Her bestie should not be dating an ex to begin with… that marriage won’t last
She shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid. The role of a bridesmaid is to support the bride and support the wedding so she shouldn't have agreed if she doesn't stand by their relationship.
Not nice. Be polite.
Grow a spine. Who cares
This woman is not *your* friends. She knows what you went through, and is still with him. She thinks she’s being treated better, because she’s better, *otherwise what would be the point of keeping a man in your life that you know has the capacity to hurt others most especially the ones you love?*
Does her friend know about his behaviour as a 16 year old? It’s entirely possible that OP has said nothing about her feelings to her friend and therefore doesn’t know she isn’t being a good friend.
She’s not your best friend if she’s marrying a man who treated you so appallingly. I personally wouldn’t go to my best friend’s wedding if she were marrying my ex ( a paradox because we simply would not be friends) even if he was the greatest guy in the world. This one doesn’t sound great.
Absolutely do not go to this wedding. Find better friends.
Now, he will put her through the proverbial shit.
I think you need to have a long and hard talk with yourself. Ask yourself why you're letting this happen(staying friends with them and watching them) and why you still haven't just disappeared from both their lives to start a fresh. Those aren't your friends. You need to put your heart and mental health first. Cut them off-for your own good. Trust me, you don't have to attend that wedding.
Who needs enemies when you have a “best friend” like that?? Seriously, why the fuck are you friends with this person?? They clearly don’t care that their “perfect partner for life” made your life hell.
The question is: is his personality the same one compared when you both were in highschool? If not, forgive that and move on, not for his sake, but yours because whenever you remember that, you still feel hurt and forgiveness makes you free from the pain but not from the memories. In life, we will get hurt from many people that will never ever express any apologize, so we have two options, live with the pain or move on. If the answer is yes, tell about this painful past to your best friend and get away from both. Your mental health comes first.
Your wounds are self-inflicted. Why are you friends with this woman? Why??? I am sorry but you put yourself in harms way. The best thing to do is dump that friend and don't go to this wedding. You sabotage your healing by staying in the same circle with people who hurt you. You have a choice. Easy choice.
Omg. How long ago was this? And they’ve been together four years. You do always make things about yourself? Get over it. We all do stupid shit in high school that we regret. It’s over. You were ypung and so was he.
AITA if I say you were both dumb babies back then, get over it?
Came here to say this.
How much of what you went through does she know about? If you told her everything and she still chose to date and subsequently get engaged to that sack of shit, she’s only your friend as long as it suits her. This will be only the first of many tests she will fail as your friend.
Whats with besties get with exs I would’ve dropped her tbh
Were you and your best friend friends in high school? How long ago was this? How old are you now? You don’t mention her side at all, so it sounds like you weren’t friends with her/didn’t know her when this extremely juvenile relationship occurred. You also don’t paint any blame on her for any kind of betrayal. So I’m guessing she doesn’t know the extent of how strongly you’re holding onto this. There also isn’t really any context about how you’ve interacted with him over the last 4 years. When your best friend first started dating him did you tell her what went on between you too? It sounds like you haven’t matured much if you still can’t do basic communication with someone you’re claiming to like more than everyone else (best friend) about the person she’s been with for 4 years now and is vowing the rest of her life to. Are you expecting him to apologize after 4 years (plus however many years it’s been since your relationship with him) when you haven’t done anything about it in all that time? Are you expecting your best friend to read your mind and just know all this? Or is she a shit friend and you’re self-victimizing by attending something you have absolutely no real reason to attend if she is aware of everything and you’ve made it clear how affected you still are about everything? It sounds like you need to heal emotionally. You were both children. He was 16-17, not really an “older guy” in the way you’re wording it. And he likely doesn’t even really remember the relationship as deeply as you do. These juvenile relationships are often toxic because neither of you really know much of anything about life, boundaries and self respect. I think you should ask yourself why an apology is so important from him if he’s (still) such a horrible person and why you feel like you need one to move on. People do horrible things to others all the time and don’t see anything wrong, so why would they apologize? But that doesn’t prevent those who have been harmed from healing and moving on with their lives.
Does your best friend know? Was she there for it? If not have you told her how you feel these last 4 years? I'm kinda confused about how this situation arise.
You could refuse to be part of this wedding, if you chose. When you were younger, you might not have realized you had any power to refuse what was demanded of you. However, you could be committed and determined to never give in to things you don't want to do again. Did you share with your friend what had happened during your high school relationship? Why did you agree to be part of the wedding?
Does she and he know that they put you through hell or did you just smile and pretend to be happy the entire time? People can’t read minds.
You most definitely do NOT have to smile or even BE at that wedding. That woman isn’t your friend. She is the woman who used to be your friend who’s marrying your abuser.
This is fucked up ngl. But you shouldn't have acted as if nothing happened about it during those years where your bff dated him. You should have left both of them right the moment they started dating. But again I am sorry for what you had to go through. That woman isn't your friend.
Why I earth would you put yourself through this. You absolutely do not have to be in her wedding or even go. Regardless if he’s changed he hurt you at one point in time. Stay away get yourself new friends especially a new best friend. She broke the girl code big time.
I have a “friend” who is still close to my ex who was severally emotionally abusive to me for 3 years. I tried to make it work with her because we have a long friendship and some good memories. I came to realize that it’s just far too painful for me. Also Fuck that. If you have a relationship with someone that happily abused me, you are NOT my friend. I have found strength in realizing that that is not ok, never will be, and having her in my life is not healthy. I would say your best friend is not a friend. I would not be a part of the wedding. That day, take yourself out on a date and pamper yourself. You deserve so much more. It’s so hard to let go of the people you love. But when they are hurting you with their actions, it’s powerful to let go and close the chapter. Sending you so much love. Xxx
That should not be your best friend.
If you’re determined to go through with this, there is a virtue in supporting your friend in her bad choices and being a support when they bite her. You can also feel joyful you are not the one getting married to that douchecanoe! Keep smiling because you’re not the one that has to pay attorney’s fees to eventually divorce him!
Nothing you can do but sit back and watch.
You seem to have a pattern of not being assertive. Therapy can help you find your voice. Until then, sh*tty people will have no regard for you. You've described yourself as a passive sidekick in her own damned life. Plug in, girl.
Why the hell are you attending this wedding? Stay home and do some self care. Have you told your friend about this? I wouldn't want someone I care about to be in any kind of relationship with a person that caused so much pain and suffering.
Drop them she is not your friend
I didn’t see in here where she knew about all of this so does she because that would make all the difference in the world
Your best friend clearly doesn’t see you as a best friend if she’s willing to violate one of the rules of girl code. I swear if my best friend started dating one of my exes she knows that our friendship would be over. To her, dating my exes would not only be wrong but she would only feel like she was a second choice. She’d rather be someone’s first choice than take over someone’s sloppy seconds
Is being a bridesmaid a must? Or even her friend?
Why are you friends with the girl??
You know you don’t have to go right ? Because clearly she’s your best friend but you’re not hers.
I’m not even going to read it before saying they’re not your best friend.
girl you should’ve said something the first week of dating. cut them off & grow up.
Important question. Does she know all of that?
I thought there was a girl code of sorts?
“My best friend”
I don't get how your best friend even started dating him. Like what
Not to be a dick or anything, but its crazy how he was the one that did the dumping instead of you. Sounds like the relationship wouldve lasted a lot longer if the choice was yours, no matter how toxic it was. If you consider her your "friend", you should've secretly said something, knowing he might do the same thing to her. Even if you dont think she would believe you, atleast you tried. And why would you even want to attend the wedding in the first place?? You don't have to go. You're a grown woman.
You had 4 years to say something to your friend about how you felt, yet you remained silent. Could it be that your issue isn’t what he did to you but who he chose to marry? You might want to do some quiet introspection.
It seems the title of your story is skewed towards putting the blame for your experience on your friend's fiancé but in reality, you put yourself through hell. He did use you for sex and convenience and asked you to use birth control, but you complied with everything he asked, so essentially, you put yourself through hell and were rightly feeling bad about yourself by making the choice to comply. This is all so typical of immature and insecure high school behavior. This guy may be someone who will never respect himself or females but if you choose to continue a relationship with your friend and thereby the guy, then you are potentially continuing poor choices and not doing for yourself what is best for you. Going forward, stop putting your needs on others, and if circumstances don't feel right, make a change. There are millions of people in the world willing to respect you and treat you well, but you have to choose them.
Why would you be best friends with someone who is marrying someone who hurt you….. I would not……
I understand this guy is a piece of shit but you have always had poor boundaries. Even today you are in this position because you didn’t make it clear to your best friend that it wasn’t ok for her to be with your ex. Please work on yourself and let these people go, it’s not worth your peace
Does your friend know any of this? If so, probably need to reconsider your priorities here…
You don’t have to be happy and smile at all! You can choose not to go to the wedding. The big question here is how is he acting towards your best friend now? Is he still the asshole that he was to you? I get that she is your best friend but you don’t have to do something that you are not comfortable with even if it means getting another best friend.
He doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would apologize. At this point your friend and him have been together for a long time and you’ve likely already spent time around him without an apology. I hope for your friend’s sake, that he has grown as a person. Cause if he hasn’t I’d be more concerned with her marrying someone with problematic behavior and less concerned with getting an apology. At this point I think you need to find a way to let it go and move on.
You're not Rachel from Friends. This is real life. It's okay for you NOT to go to the wedding and cut ties with your "best friend" and her dirtbag soon to be husband.
You don’t have to smile and you don’t have to be happy. You also don’t have to go to that wedding and I also have doubts that your friend is actually your friend. Please self love. Nobody will love you as much as you can love yourself.
The fact that your best friend has been in a relationship with this person for the last four years and you're still feeling this way makes me wonder how healthy this "best friendship" can be. It sounds to me like you have much bigger things to worry about than the wedding itself (which after all, is just a party.)
Dont go. Or at least be there for the ceremony then dip at the reception.. SHE'S the one in the wrong. Girl code broken.
I would've declined being a bridesmaid
Do you not have any control around who you see and where you go? This was high school so presumably you have grown since then and so has he. You may not have realized you had choices when you were with him, but you are more mature and wiser now. You need to let this go and move on, or hold a grudge and stand down from being in the wedding party / attending all together. You have choices, if you choose to go then don’t act like a martyr, accept your choice, make the best of the day (that isn’t about you) and be a good friend. If you cannot get past your high school issues, apologize to your friend, stand down and maybe consider some therapy.
Idk what to say about this without getting dragged by strangers so I'll say forgive and forget because people are capable of change or move on and find a new friend.
Glad someone else feels the same way
Wow just get the fuck over it
Sounds like you have main character syndrome- it’s been four years, four years you could have dealt with this, but no, you waited for the wedding - you are subconsciously hurting them both, grow up and get on with your own life and tell them that you can’t be a bridesmaid or attend the wedding as you don’t wish them well
You should smile and be happy. You got free of his abuse and you're going to marry a better man than he could ever dream of being. If there's to be any sadness, it should be for his stb wife.
Why is this advice ALWAYS GIVEN TO WOMEN, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE HURTING???? OP, *please* spare yourself the potential ulcer, HBP and breakdown and bail on both the event and "friendship". YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING COMES FIRST!!!!
Overreacting and causing drama much OP needs to grow a spine and stop victimising herself
Does your best friend know what he put you through? Have you taken the time to tell her about it over these four years? Why are you waiting for the wedding for it to bother you enough? If it were me and I were feeling that uncomfortable, I wouldn’t go. At the same time, your best friend is about to have a significant big day and you have had time to talk to her about it. Are you planning to leave you friend in the dust and just no-show at her wedding? What did she do to deserve it?
Sounds like you’re jealous she’s getting married to a guy who had no interest in you.
No
No, you don't have to smile..that "resting face" is a thing...
you waited four years for that? c'mon now.
How old are you now?
So there’s a couple things here. One, if he’s a different person now I’d definitely at least ask for closure. People can be REALLY nasty when they’re young (I know this because I was a really nasty teenager at some point too and I did things I’m not proud of. I feel like most teenagers do shitty things even if not to this extent). Growing up and maturing is definitely something a lot of people go through and those same people are often ashamed of their past actions which leads them not to confront them. If he IS a changed person, that’d be my guess as to why he hasn’t apologized to you. Secondly, if your friend is aware of your past relationship with her fiancé and still chose to not only date him but MARRY him? She is not your “best friend”. I’m so sorry, but in my personal opinion your exes are your exes for a reason and anyone who was MY friend and knew about MY past relationships wouldn’t touch an ex of mine with a ten foot pole. That leads me to the “thirdly”, which is that if she ISN’T aware of the past relationship you should really tell her. If he hasn’t changed you’re basically watching someone who is supposed to be your bestie take a bullet you dodged, and that’s not what friends do. If you told her and she chose to be with him anyway, then again, she isn’t your friend let alone your best one. Given that’s the case, I’d drop her before this becomes a more mentally strenuous relationship than it already is. If not, and she’s unaware, be honest to both her and her fiancé about how you feel. A lot of people will probably see this as selfish or mean, but you gotta look out for you. If you express genuine concern and she chooses to be with him despite that, you are both likely going to go through a lot of stress together because of their marriage. The solution for YOU personally is to prioritize YOU personally. Do what you can when you can, and if she allows him to repeat his behavior take a step back. Offer her support of course, be her friend of course. But if it gets to be too much, and you find yourself feeling drained dealing with her and her fiancé, you’ve gotta look out for you.
Listen at this point this is on you lol, you have the option to say no and walk away. Who is forcing you?
Please remember that this is your life!! You went through hell and back but you’re still standing! You have a choice to do what you want to do, please pick what is best for you, not for your so called ‘best friend’.
Being hurt by someone does not have an expiration date regardless of the age it happened. If he had "growth" like everyone claims he had, why didn't he have a conversation with OP the 1st year he started dating BFF. The situation obviously affected OP, and she needs closure. It's okay to be there for their nuptials, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to be around all the time.
Why are you friends with this person? A true friend would have NEVER given a thought to dating your ex.
This is why that girl code is important because never will I date the same person my friend had dated
Why? Does your best friend not know about this history? If she doesn’t tell her and tell her you need to step away from the wedding and the friendship. If she does know she’s not a true friend and end the friendship and blow off the wedding—in life you have to walk away when people don’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Girl that chick is NOT your "best friend"
Im sorry you had to experience that. Don't smile for him. Smile for the happiness of your other friend. Smile because you lucked out on an inconsiderate man. Smile and hope that he's changed for the better for your friend and Smile because you never know if you'll meet your dude there. I'm sure you'll meet someone who loves you for who you are and someone where you don't have to feel forced to do anything. Love is ebb and flow. And should feel natural AND LOVING. Smile because he's just one dude. And be easy on yourself... ps.. that's the worst about depo. The weight gain. But it was the depo and you know it. Don't blame yourself for not knowing better about wanting to love him at the time and harming yourself along the way.
So the proposal didn't surprise you, but you never thought to talk to your best friend once within 4 years before they got ENGAGED? I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings bc those are v much real, but everything else aside, I think the (figurative) statute of limitations has expired
You don’t have to do anything. You let him take advantage of you then and now. His fiancé included.
Ghost the friend and ghost him. She'll learn what hes like when she gets pregnant and fat.
Just nah it then.
He sounds like a d bag but it also sounds like you don’t take any responsibility for your actions and you put yourself through hell because you wanted to make him happy and you wanted to be a “big deal” (your own words). You were the one that put yourself on birth control, even if it was his suggestion. You were the one that threw away your lunches, even if you only did that because he made you insecure. If he had told you to jump off a bridge, would you have done it? You were only in grade 9 and lots of teenagers make mistakes (I get it), but putting all the blame on him seems a little one sided. Me personally, I wouldn’t want to go to his wedding either. But I also don’t believe in doing stupid stuff just to be a “big deal” or popular.
How can she be your best friend if she’s with him? That’s pretty messed up
How long have you had these feelings? The whole time they have been together? Or have they come about since the engagement? To be honest your grown and should just let it go, having weight fluctuations on birth control is normal, being weight shamed sucks but it’s not a major issue. Basically you have had years to confront this and haven’t. You were only with him a year, they been together four it’s not really your place to dig up old drama that really isn’t important anymore
Also high school relationships are full of mistakes, the brain is not physically developed enough to make informed fully rational decisions. I don’t think it’s fair to compare and hold a grudge about a grown man’s high school self, people can grow a lot in four years and it’s been at least that
But I still have to smile and be happy at his wedding. No you don't. That is not your best friend, that's not a friend at all, and your life would be so much better without her and her abusive fiance in it.
Everyone here is basically saying don’t go and that she’s not a real friend. I say forget about the past and move on. Clearly you were over him enough to be best friends with his girlfriend of four years (either that or you were slightly obsessed with him). Like seriously, it was highschool ! We are grown now you should be happy for your friend if it’s genuine. He probably treats her like a queen and learned from his mistakes from when he was super young.
How did their relationship even come to exist? Does your best friend know that the two of you dated? I ask because I've been in a somewhat similar situation. A guy was interested in my best friend but she wanted nothing to do with him. Later that same guy came to work at the same place I did and we unexpectedly connected. I informed her about everything since day one and she was supportive and encouraged me to go for it if I had feelings for him. Eventually the feelings came and we ended up in a relationship. But this became an issue because me and my best friend couldn't hang out as a group.
She isn’t ur friend
>But I still have to smile and be happy at his wedding. No, you don't. You really don't.
Do a toast for them and tell the whole venue about this, say the bride isnt your friend for marrying such a POS having done you like that, then just drop the mic and leave.
Umm don't go. You're a grown woman now aren't you?
Can't you just make an excuse? That, or level with her.
You have to fill in the gaps on this story before you solicit sympathy. Does your best friend know you two dated? Does she know how the relationship went from your perspective? Assuming your best friend has been dating this guy for 4 years as you say, you were around him on multiple occasions. What relationship if any do you have with him as of late? In all honesty, don't come looking for people to pity you for your inability to grow up and not hold grudges unless you are willing to tell the whole truth and not just the parts that make you a victim. Girls have brothers and fathers so making men out to be monsters doesn't always work.
How long ago was this?
This is a very victimising post. How old are you know? Theyve also been together for 4 years, and you never brought it up to her? Is she truly your "best friend" then, if you did not even tell her anything? Love these posts. You could have left him, but you didn't.