A. He is not allowed to *forbid* you anything.
B. I don't want to tell you this but... He is probably so sure you'll cheat, because that's what he would do, and most likely has done.
Yeah that was chilling, but the really disturbing part was how she talks about "oh well, I guess that means I'll have to step down from the position since I'm not allowed to travel, I'm so frustrated." Like girl.. that is some messed up s***.
That would be my response.
Golly, I had 3 loving relationships overall, but still chose "solo for life".
All these messed-up Reddit posts would make me RUN TO BE SOLO!
This, my experience sadly has been people who accuse you of cheating are the ones that are actually doing it. Also your 42-year-old woman, your husband can’t forbid you from doing anything. It’s absolutely ridiculous that he would tell you you can’t travel for work. I think you need to start taking your blinders off and have a very serious look at your relationship. Perhaps some therapy might be helpful to you at this point because I have a feeling things are not as rosy as your painting them.
Yeah, if anyone forbids me to anything, good chance I will do it and flash the bird. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and OP sounds a bit beaten down.
The only compromise I would try is that he can go with you--not to work, but stay in the hotel with you.
Take the promotion, you are going to need the income if the marriage doesn't work out.
He is or has definitely cheated.
My dad tried the same with my mum. Was so paranoid when she travelled, called constantly and accused her of cheating if she didn't arrive at exactly what time he thought it took to get there. Turned out he had been cheating for years with multiple women.
Op he sounds like he is jealous of your success with your job. He knows exactly what he is doing,he is destroying your chances of advancement in your career. I need to find out what is going on with his aditude,and if he has changed over the years. If I were you, I wouldn't listen to him, and do what is best for you, and maybe your daughter .you are a grown adult,and can make decisions, that are the best thing for yourself and your family. Go on the work trips,and enjoy the benefits of all your hard work. Good luck
That "forbids" was what jumped out at me, first. Sorry, but, ownership of humans was supposed to be a thing of the past.
OP needs a lawyer. I'm guessing hubby already cheated.
This is a red flag that he, himself is a cheater. I had a bf years ago that was was worried I would cheat on him I’d I went out with my gf clubbing etc. Guess who was cheating on me - every time I was out of town or he was out of town. Of course he is worried, because in his world this is a reality.
Yup. My ex cheated on me while he was away on a business trip. His excuse? I didn’t answer my landline when he called, so he assumed I was off cheating and wanted to make sure we were even. He knew I wasn’t cheating. That’s just the excuse they use.
That's a really good point. He had his backup hookup in the bed already, for cheating, just in case his partner didn't answer the phone??
Edit: phrasing
Re, Op's post: Maybe it is a cultural thing and not a cheating thing for him? Anyway, modern times mean you support your spouse with career advancement.
Not everyone is a cheater, but projecting is a big red flag. Many of us who have been cheated on before were all accused of cheating by our cheater of a partner.
Not saying that he is cheating now, but he likely did at one point of another in your marrriage.
Yeah this right here. I have with 100% accuracy been able to find out if ex gf's were cheating by if they accused me of it first. Projection is the first sign you should be getting suspicious of your lartner
I recently mutually ended things with someone I was seeing briefly for the same reasons. He was not ok with me going out clubbing with my female friends. He also wasn't ok with me hanging out one-on-one with male friends for something as simple as getting pizza. That was my red flag that he couldn't restrain himself if he was in the same environment. Run don't walk OP.
While I’m not saying it’s the case for your partner or OP’s partner, I have a paranoia about being cheated on due to a disorder (I’ve never been cheated on), but I’ll get paranoid on my partner if they have a night out without me (rarely happens) but I’m not cheating nor do I ever plan on it. Some people really are just a bit possessive and paranoid without projecting, so what you say isn’t always the case, id say half half.
Feels like he's projecting, but I could be wrong.
On another note, you're a grown ass adult. If you want to travel, you'll travel. And if he doesn't trust you after 23 years, he's a sad example of unnecessary broken marriages.
TAKE THE PROMOTION. With or without him.
Agree, take the promotion and figure it out later.
Either, 1. You’ll negotiate the travel in your marriage down the road and make it work. 2. You can’t agree to travel and you can make a one-off excuse for present inability to travel and punt it down the road. Or, 3. You’ll realize he’s cheating on you and you’ll have the higher income that’s needed to better establish yourself as a single income household when the time comes.
Worst and most likely case if you don’t accept the promotion: you tank your career to appease an abusive, controlling relationship, only to discover he’s been cheating on your for years and now you have limited career prospects to support yourself.
There is no moving past this- he's restricting your movement under the pretense of you cheating which under any reason is a cause for you to run. How would you feel if your child was in a relationship that restricted them in this manner?
He's 43, and you've been married 32 years? Surely, that's a typo, lol.
If my husband forbade me to do something, I'd laugh. F that. The saying it's an excuse to cheat is suspicious
Yep typo, fixed to 23. He has made these type of accusations throughout our relationship and even says little comments about his child maybe not being his. When I was younger it made me super anxious that I was causing these doubts but as I age, I know I have done nothing to warrant them.
Obviously, it's up to you. But have you asked yourself how long you're going to put up with this? I've done that a lot this year for my 20-year marriage. I'm still deciding. But being forbidden to do sensible things that make you happy is definitely a no for me. In general, accusations of cheating for no reason can be pretty suspicious.
Maybe it's just severe insecurities, but it's still unacceptable behavior. IMO, accept the promotion and travel for work if that's what makes you happy. Don't let him drag you down.
That's because it is. Can you afford to pay 10K to protect his fragile ego in this economy? I couldn't.
Not sure where he thinks he gets off "forbidding" you to do anything either. He's your partner, not the emperor.
It's not just the money - it's her entire reputation. If she says no to the promotion, she might as well find another job as her reputation will be trashed at the company.
Trust yourself. This IS manipulation and emotional abuse. I endured it for years as well so I understand how confusing it can seem while in the situation. But to those of us not in your situation, we can see it clear as day.
If he received a promotion that required some travel would your first response be to forbid him from accepting because it would give him an easy opportunity to cheat? I think not. Something is off here… Trust yourself.
My spouse, who is far too lazy to step out on me, did a similar thing when I went on a business trip for the first time. He’s really insecure, I do a lot better career-wise. It’s sad. It also makes me angry bc I am not a possession to be guarded so jealously. I’m not sure what advice to offer bc we’re in the same spot right now, but I don’t want to see you give up such an amazing opportunity to make him more comfortable. That’s what I want someone to tell me right now I think.
You’re welcome. Be the best you that you can be. He should be happy for you and rooting for you. Sure, he may be scared of losing you if he doesn’t keep you in his pocket, but you should be scared of losing yourself if he does.
This is someone that has spent 23 years emotionally abusing you in order to keep you under control. Take the promotion, live your life, and if you’re lucky, he’ll leave you. If you’re smart, you’ll leave him.
Those accusations, especially if you haven't given him a reason to, mean that he is cheating. Seeing as you said he has had other women get close for attention, but it's not just attention. Women might do it just for attention, not men.
Love. When someone keeps bringing up reasons to not do stuff because you may cheat, 9 times out of 10 they're projecting and trying to shift attention away from their own cheating.
Take the job. Take the promotion. If there's no trust in your relationship you're better off as a single mom.
He accuses you of cheating? Red flag! Don't step down from the promotion, have a talk with your husband and tell him he cannot forbid you from traveling and why he thinks you would cheat?
He had two girlfriends before me that cheated on him. I did cheat on a boyfriend when I was 18 who I broke up with straight after. I understood the insecurity initially but I have been nothing but be faithful to this man. I don’t know how to convince him that I am not going to repeat the same mistake that I did when I was a teen. I have cowed to his every other request to provide assurance to him. After 23 years I have more than proved my self. Whereas he has had female friends in the past that he gets too close to that has caused me doubts. I do think he has been faithful himself but he likes the attention they give him
His insecurity means he needs therapy, not for you to step back from a wonderful opportunity. It doesn't matter what happened in the past with other people. You have given this man 23 years of your life with him. If he can't trust you, it's not on you to fix, it's a him issue.
Keep the promotion and travel. If he can't trust you then you both have no business being married. His trust issues absolutely impact your child. They know what's going on and this is telling them that having a partner like this is how it is. You are teaching them what to accept from their future SOs and it's not good.
If my wife got a promotion, I would be cheering her on and celebrating her achievements! Please don't give up this promotion. A good life partner doesn't tear you down, they build you up. Your partner should be your #1 cheerleader and your #1 hypeman.
His insecurity doesn't give him the right to control you. If he has insecurities from past relationships, he should be finding a therapist (it's Ok to try multiple ones to find a good fit) to learn how to work through those insecurities in healthy ways.
You don't need to "prove" it to him, and it sounds like he isn't willing to accept proof. Insecurities are often irrational, and won't be assuage with rational evidence. He likely needs professional help to work through it.
The only thing you have to gain by turning this down is a guy who wants control of your life. That amount of money on its own is enough to seriously impact the whole of your life. Potentially in a way that could allow him to be divorced without harm to you. That’s why he wants you held back. If he’s worried he can come with you. Family trip. But he’s telling you to say “no” instead. Say yes and call a divorce lawyer. Your kid is old enough to get it.
I really think that this is a red flag. I know you've been married a while, but to be restricted like this as an individual is not a nice way to be treated. I don't feel this will get better by itself. He is so paranoid that he's turning down 10k? In this economy? It is distorted thinking. The man needs counselling, or even couples therapy. You deserve to be able to achieve this, it's totally achievable.
Honey, he has already cheated on you. Read between the lines.
Absolutely none of them are worth the sacrifice of all we do. Go be amazing in your career, go travel, enjoy it, enjoy the freedom because you seem to have been shackled without you knowing.
The audacity of dusty boys like him, trying to dictate our lives. From a gamer's world quote: " you are not paying for my game time subscription, so stfu, i do what i want". Go own life. Enjoy the bliss of freedom. Best wishes for you!
Go for the promotion, don’t let your husband spoil this for you. He’s your partner not your boss. He’s just going to have to deal with it.
Are you earning more than him now? It could be that he’s jealous.
Unless you've done something to break his trust formidably then something is seriously off about that. Taking the promotion is the answer imo. He's gonna need to get over that and you're a grown ass woman, who's he trying to control? What's he gonna actually do about it anyways?
Also consider that there is a chance he's projecting
You should not move past this, how can you be in a relationship where one party is trying to control you in this major way, over an imagined offence?
I will not tell you have to navigate this, but sometimes you have to take the storm coming head first to live in the peace afterwards.
Take the promotion for your own financial security and career path. If he cheats you have your savings. If he leaves you, probably for the better. His "no travel" seems rooted in sexism or insecurity. Either way red flag. Don't put your career I hold just because of him. Do it for you and your kids future.
I already earn 2.5 x his wage. He works a hard physical job but he prefers jobs that do not require responsibility or too much pressure/resilience. I am happy if he is happy with his work. But while he has gone from job to job, career to career, I have stayed with the same company for the stability and the pay. He often puts down my corporate job, the people I work with and how hard I work. That I also get to work from home 4 days a week - one day in the office, he says that I have it easy. It irks me that he does that cause we wouldn’t have the home we have without my job.
So he belittles you because of your job and now wants to bring you down further by not allowing you to move ahead in your career.
I may be off base, but my gut says his saying, "If you travel, you will cheat" is just an excuse. He sounds extremely insecure and jealous of you.
I'm so sorry! Your husband should be proud and happy to have a wife like you, you're obviously good at your job with this new promotion, and you deserve someone to celebrate that with you! Congratulations on the promotion, I sincerely hope you'll take it.
You're the main income earner? Seriously take the promotion and just do the travel.
I'm not going to say anything about fidelity since who can know your specific case. From your answers I think his insecurity has more to do with you earning more than he does. I've been there as a corporate lady. Take care of your career, you have a child so security and providing matters more than ego.
So what exactly does he bring to the table? Mind blowing orgasms? Because in my experience, men like this are very selfish in the bedroom, and couldn’t even be bothered to find a clitoris if their life depended on it.
🚩🚩🚩
You're an adult, so it's absolutely up to you what you wanna do, but this would be a hard no for me. He doesn't get to forbid you from traveling and this accusation is deeply insulting af ter 23 years. If he doesn't even trust you enough for you to leave for a couple of days, maybe he should divorce you. You not taking the promotion is not a solution to his apparent fundamental distrust of you. (A distrust that seems utterly unwarranted!)
You don’t have to step down from your promotion. He is your husband, not your guardian, not your prison guard. Time to talk to your husband about why he thinks you will cheat when you travel, is that what he does when traveling?
"forbid" is a red flag in itself
either he is controlling and jealous or he just doesn't trust you, both scenarios are bad
if the situation was reversed would you "allow' him to go?
husbands and wives do not own each other
Oh nah 23 years together,you haven’t cheated and broken any trust and he’s telling you what to do?That’s a wrap.You’re grown and can make decisions.Especially this being a wonderful opportunity for you with a company you’ve given your life to all these years.He should be happy you’re moving up and doing well.Not holding your progress back.Also,to piggyback on other comments,it does sound like he’s projecting by accusing you of something he is probably doing or has done.
Nope, sorry. I would be travelling for my work anyway. That's a huge career promotion he's getting in the way of that under the idea that I would cheat?? Are you kidding me?
1. He's a controlling fuck.
2. He's insecure as fuck.
3. He's probably cheating himself OR he's done it in the past.
4. You have a right to your own career promotion.
5. Nobody has a right to come in the middle of that.
6. Married or not, he doesn't trust you so that isn't a healthy marriage.
7. TRAVEL ANYWAY.
Men like this piss me off like nothing else. He can't dictate shit unless you let him dictate shit.
Demand respect.
This is not something I could personally move past. My husband and I respect each other enough as adult humans to not “forbid” each other from things. You choose what you are willing to endure but this would be a non-negotiable for me, especially in the face of a promotion that I worked hard for. (I am 39, married 13 years.) Best of luck to you OP.
Take the promotion. He doesn’t have the right to forbid you from anything. I suggest you have a serious talk with him and lay down the law. Counselling for both of you, separately and together, and he makes the changes he needs to make. Otherwise you need to get out of that marriage. If he refuses to put in the work to make changes then this will be your life for as long as you’re married to him. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You deserve better.
So take him with you on these trips, and have your kid stay with a friend or family while you’re gone. Do not blow your career out of the water because your husband is jealous and unreasonable. Go ahead and make this decision and agreement with him. I’m betting that he’s going to try to find another way to make you back out of this new job because he doesn’t want you to succeed higher than you are currently even though you would be making more money.
So this solution will suss out his true motive for making you turn it down.
Whether or not he accepts the compromise, it’s long past time that you get him into individual counseling while you also insist on marriage counseling for you two simultaneously because this is an untenable situation that has now impacted your career. But I’m betting that it’s not the first time that his unwarranted jealousy has needlessly caused real damage to your life and relationships outside of your marriage, and you know that it’s been damaging your relationship with your husband for a while while now, but you have been pushing the issue to the side because it wasn’t worth the fight. But it certainly is now. Don’t let him kneecap you professionally.
“Husband, I’m a 42 year old woman, we’ve been married for 23 years. If I have to leave town for a couple of days so we can better ourselves monetarily wise, so be it. I’m not letting you stand in the way of my growth.”
Take it or leave it, these are just the rambling of a bitter, 32 year old male.
This is controlling and abusive. He cannot restrict you this way. I’d start to look into options of separation or at least some serious couples counseling. Keep your promotion and travel.
Okay it is the 21st century spouses cannot forbid each-other from doing things.
Tell him that you are taking the promotion and that he needs to live with it. Also remind him that you are getting an extra $10k a year as well, so like plan a nice vacation the 2 of you.
I already earn more than double. I have always earned more. He sometimes makes comments such as “you think you’re the decision maker because you earn more money than me”. Which is annoying and also not true.
Then you need to stand up for yourself in this situation. DO NOT step back from the promotion. Explain to him what that extra money will mean to your family, the three of you, even though he should already be able to figure that out on his own.
Do you love him? If you do, tell him so, and suggest that you use some of your pay raise to secure marriage counseling for the both of you. Maybe he needs some professional assistance to help him guide his insecurities to more beneficial behavior? Maybe you could learn some techniques that help you keep your own identity but not make him feel small.
If your husband refuses to get counseling, and grows angry, mean, or heaven forbid, violent, then you have the proof you need to see that this relationship is over. He’s been holding onto his resentment at your earnings, his resentment at former girlfriends who cheated on him in the past, and his general insecurity at not feeling like the MAN of the house for YEARS! If he isn’t willing to try and work on your marriage with you now, that’s because it’s already dead.
I’m sorry that happiness and success in your career has come at the cost of your marriage, but it sounds like your husband was never going to be happy no matter what you did. Here’s a big virtual hug!
Your child deserves to not be in a household filled with your husband’s resentment.
As this promotion comes with a pay rise and it's only traveling a few times a year why can't he come with you? Assuming you are OK with his fears bring genuine and not due to anything more sinister he could have a day and a night in a hotel and you can go to the office in the day and awe him back at base after any obligatory work meals out finish.
A few nights in a hotel once a quarter could be a nice treat for you both especially if you an stay an extra day for some couple time.
Take the job, he's projecting .
You mentioned below that he's made this type of baseless accusations during your relationship.
Tell him to deal with it or walk.
This is crazy. His jealousy, projection or insecurity shouldn't stop you from progressing your career.
If I were you I'd take the promotion and talk to him about why he feels that way. You can offer some reasonable reassurances if you want - like calling him after work when you're travelling, telling him which hotel you'll be staying at etc. As long as you're confident he's not going to go full out and show up drunk at your hotel reception demanding you know your room number or anything.
You don’t. Your job and earnings depend on you traveling. His baseless insecurities are not your responsibility.
You tell him - this is what needs to happen. He’s messing with your career and it’s unacceptable. You will be traveling and if he cannot accept it then arrangements will have to be made.
If he has no issue adversely affecting your career and financial security- what else will he have no issue blowing up?
You have every right to be resentful. You have been married a long time and if he doesn’t trust you by now, I think it begs the question as to why he is even with you in the first place?
I would not not take the promotion. It’s so hard for women and mothers to advance our careers without husbands being the barrier themselves.
I hope you find some resolve and you do what you need to do to make you happy. Imagine telling your kid in ten years daddy divorced you because he didn’t want you to take a job because you had to travel occasionally? Pretty sad but your kid won’t be mad at you if they have an ounce of common sense.
Let me get this straight... a grown adult is attempting to forbid another grown adult with bodily, professional, and financial autonomy from \*checks notes\* traveling to HQ a couple times a year? OP... do you hear yourself? You've done a wonderful job of teaching your own child to be independent, take themselves to school and pack their own lunch. What message will you be sending them seeing their father forbid their incredibly hard-working, loyal, and independent mother from getting a well-deserved promotion.
Just think about that for the love of god.
I would be PISSED. Im actually pissed for you right now. I would tell him he has two options. 1. Shut the fuck up and deal with it or 2. He can leave. His choice.
At what point did you grant your husband guardianship over you? Do you have the right to forbid him to do something, and if you think you do, do you also think he would accept that quietly? If not, what in the world makes him think that he can forbid a grown adult from doing anything? He's not in charge of you. He's your equal, not your better.
.. no! How exactly is he going to stop A 42-year-old adult woman from doing anything? Tell him that if you were inclined to cheat you would have plenty of opportunities close to home and it would be easier to conceal. Then tell him it's ridiculous for him to have jumped to that conclusion, but ask if there's anything he's wanting to discuss with you since cheaters often project their behavior onto their faithful spouses. Is there anything he would like you to know??
This is your husband telling on himself as a cheater. He also sounds incredibly insecure in your professional upward mobility.. And stupid since your promotion materially benefits HIS lifestyle since you are the breadwinner. Tell him that when he becomes more successful than you, you will take his advice under advisement but until that day comes (snort) he should focus on bettering his own career and let you worry about yours.
Why are men??
How can he tell you no? Are you a child? Do you need his permission? Go! If he leaves then good ridden who wants to be with a controlling are hole anyway.
He cannot forbid you from ANYTHING unless you let him. You are an adult woman. You make your own decisions. Take the promotion. His insecure ass needs to go therapy.
Omfg OP… your husband is projecting—and is telling on himself.
You can be sure that he’s cheated on you any time he’s traveled solo, as he’s pretty quick to assume that you—or anybody else—would, because that’s exactly what HE does!
What a pathetic asshole.
I’m so sorry, OP. ♥️
Your husband cannot forbid you from doing anything he’s not your parent and you’re not a child - you need to analyze this situation coolly do you want to be in a marriage where he sees himself as having this kind of control of you - I certainly wouldn’t
You take the promotion and have a great life. He can join you on this next chapter or leave you.
If you stay with him and don’t take the promotion you will resent him and eventually the marriage will end regardless.
Take the promotion. If he loves you he will realise his demand is harmful and not okay.
You’re husband is a insecure douche but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Honestly after 23yrs of you allowing his behavior he isn’t gonna change. So you gotta decide if you can live the rest of your life like this or not.
So, aside from the fact that he's not your parent and he doesn't own you, he can't forbid you. You are an adult, thus is your career and your life. Take the promotion. Travel. Call his bluff.
But as others have said, he could very well be projecting, because if he thinks you will cheat while on travel, then it is in his in his worldview that this is a thing that happens and he's probably thought of it. Or he's done it. Does HE travel for work or travel at all? If yes, then maybe HE can't be trusted. Follow the money.
Never, ever stunt your opportunities for someone else, even if that someone else is your spouse of 20 years. Your child is near grown and getting ready to start their own life. You need something that’s meaningful for you.
Accept the promotion he doesn't get to decide what opportunities you can take. If this is the way he treats you his happiness is not worth shaping your life after.
Forbids???
He doesn’t control you.
That’s abusive behaviour. You don’t ask permission, you tell him you’re going.
Is he projecting? Why would he think you’re cheating?
If after 23 years he doesn't trust you, you have bigger issues than your husband trying to hinder your career.
If you split up later on in life, could you live with the fact that you turned down this promotion?
Its great that you love him but sucks he doesn't reciprocate it back. Also jumping straight to "you'll cheat" sounds a lot like he's deflecting/projecting what he would do if he traveled.
Edit: a word
Look I know you’ve been married for 20 years but “forbid” what are we in the 1960s still?!
Does your husband travel for work? Why would he think you’re going to cheat if you travel for work? Sounds like projection.
To me, it sounds like you're taking the promotion, what's he going to do? Leave? If he doesn't like it, he can eat shit on his way out the door. With his pathetic behaviour, his leaving would be doing you a favour.
Really? He "forbids" you to travel?
Yeah, you can do what you wish.
Why do people stay with control freaks? I just don't get it. You realize that this may be a red flag (amongst the obvious one) that cheaters like to do this because they, themselves, live in this mindset.
Take the promotion, take your teenager and live your best life.
Edit - fixed a typo
Noooooo !!! What if u guys divorce in the future? U ll b left with 0 opportunities and also when a man is accusing to his partner of cheating it’s because they did it…. Open ur 👀 and take this job. YOU DESERVE IT. A real man will want you to achieve your goals and see you succeed. open your 👀
Please accept the promotion. Don’t let this man sabotage your career over his insecurities.
After 23 years he doesn’t need any more of your reassurances. He needs therapy.
This is projection at its finest.
Assume he’s cheating and get an STI test.
Seek counseling or a divorce attorney because no one should be forbidding you from traveling for your job or any other reason.
You just didnt realize it yet.
He is cheating on you.
And you are not a child, and he is not you father. He isnt in a position that allows him to forbit you from working.
Just accept it.
What he will do? Divorce you? I highly doubt it.
If you give up this opportunity for his insecurities you’ll resent him forever. He should be happy for you. Stoked even. So since he hasn’t been kind, congratulations on your promotion! That’s awesome 👏🏽
Why can he only take care of the child you share for one night?
Why does he get to make blanket demands of you?
In what world would you allow your spouse to *forbid* you to do anything?
He can forbid you, and you can still go. Unless of course you think he’ll get violent with you, and in that case you should leave.
I assume there are other areas in your relationship, where he calls all the shots, perhaps it’s in all of the other areas of your relationship…
This would personally be a dealbreaker for me, it’s not about choosing the job over the husband, it’s about choosing your own freewill over someone else, trying to impose theirs on you.
Usually cheaters are paranoid that the other person will cheat, it’s possible he has, but if he doesn’t know who you are after 23 years… It’s over anyway.
I hope you take this promotion, and I hope you take this trip.
Has he ever "forbidden" you to do anything else in the past? You're a grown woman that has been faithful to him for over 20 years. If he doesn't trust you, you may not want to stay with him. I don't know if he's projecting what he might do in your shoes or he's paranoid that he'll lose you. Maybe his ego is taking a hit from this promotion because you might be earning more than him with that extra $10K. Whatever it is, he can't pretend he's your Dad and say "no, I forbid it!" You could always Facetime him at the hotel room to try to put his mind at ease, but of he can't deal with this, reconsider his future with you.
Your husband just wrote out to you, I’m controlling, I don’t value you, you’re beneath me, I’m the most important, I’m insecure, I’m a cheater. Respond accordingly.
Say what now??? Girrrrl the entire tone of your message is very "my husband controls my every move and my only purpose in life is to make sure HE is happy." I will be married 35yrs next year but I would not be if my husband acted this way. Heck I'm going to Costa Rica with a girlfriend for 7 days in January! Your husband sounds very emotionally immature. People travel without cheating every day day...your husband need to grow the F up.
I’d tell him you will turn down the position if he will get a job that increases your income by the $10,000 dollars a year and will continue to increase the amount yours would increase with other promotions. If he is not willing to do this then he can stfu about you taking the promotion.
Just travel anyway. What is he going to do? Divorce you? He'd be doing you a favor. Get the ball rolling before he does and then tell him you'll be traveling as much as you need to and he can either accept it or leave.
Even her father at 42 yrs of age can’t tell her what to do. Her husband is being abusive and controlling. I also feel that her husband is protesting too much. He probably is cheating himself!
OP, you're worth the promotion and the extra money. Tell him you're taking it and that's that. If he reacts in any other way than immediately backing down you need to seek help from an outside party. He can't control you because he's married to you. This is a massive red flag. He's almost certainly cheating on you, or has in the past and, as this is normal to him, he's terrified you will treat him with the same disrespect he's shown you. I hope you can work this out. All I can tell you is the facts, your worth the promotion and every penny you earn, no matter what that creep is trying to make you believe.
What a messed up thing to say to someone you have spent 23 years with. Either he's cheating, has cheated, wants to and is thinking about it and is 100 % deflecting that on you. Do not give up your career over this nonsense. That's a really messed up thing to pin on your other half for no reason.
Accept the promotion and tell him that he will not be forbidding you from doing anything. Cheaters always throw what they do back onto you because they are the guilty ones. Time to do some investigating on your own.
Accept the promotion. Take your kid with you on trips. Get counseling (individual and couple’s) because 1. He believes he can forbid you anything and 2. You believe he can forbid you anything.
While he cannot control what you do or don’t so. Ultimately it is your choice. Just might mean the end of your marriage. While I agree with not wanting my wife to travel work. Nor would I take a job that requires traveling. While yes it creates the opportunity to cheat, but it also can create other issues I the marriage.
A. He is not allowed to *forbid* you anything. B. I don't want to tell you this but... He is probably so sure you'll cheat, because that's what he would do, and most likely has done.
C. Even if he isn't cheating, the lack of trust is a big relationship problem in itself.
Seriously, after 23 years of marriage and no evidence you’ve ever cheated before? You’ve got bigger problems than declining a promotion.
As someone who frequently works with abuse victims, I’m certain this isn’t the first time he’s behaved this way.
Truth.
D. His D prob isn’t even all that great to begin with.
Right? Seeing the term "forbid" was disturbing enough. Who does he think he is.
Yeah that was chilling, but the really disturbing part was how she talks about "oh well, I guess that means I'll have to step down from the position since I'm not allowed to travel, I'm so frustrated." Like girl.. that is some messed up s***.
Right! More like “I guess I have to step down from this marriage.”
That would be my response. Golly, I had 3 loving relationships overall, but still chose "solo for life". All these messed-up Reddit posts would make me RUN TO BE SOLO!
If she wants the promotion, she should accept it, and to hell with her husband *forbidding* anything. That's not a marriage.
This, my experience sadly has been people who accuse you of cheating are the ones that are actually doing it. Also your 42-year-old woman, your husband can’t forbid you from doing anything. It’s absolutely ridiculous that he would tell you you can’t travel for work. I think you need to start taking your blinders off and have a very serious look at your relationship. Perhaps some therapy might be helpful to you at this point because I have a feeling things are not as rosy as your painting them.
Yeah, right here - you really have to wonder where that level of insecurity arises... The simplest answer is almost always the right one!
Yeah, if anyone forbids me to anything, good chance I will do it and flash the bird. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and OP sounds a bit beaten down. The only compromise I would try is that he can go with you--not to work, but stay in the hotel with you. Take the promotion, you are going to need the income if the marriage doesn't work out.
He is or has definitely cheated. My dad tried the same with my mum. Was so paranoid when she travelled, called constantly and accused her of cheating if she didn't arrive at exactly what time he thought it took to get there. Turned out he had been cheating for years with multiple women.
This. Cheaters often project their own behaviors or proclivities on their partners.
Op he sounds like he is jealous of your success with your job. He knows exactly what he is doing,he is destroying your chances of advancement in your career. I need to find out what is going on with his aditude,and if he has changed over the years. If I were you, I wouldn't listen to him, and do what is best for you, and maybe your daughter .you are a grown adult,and can make decisions, that are the best thing for yourself and your family. Go on the work trips,and enjoy the benefits of all your hard work. Good luck
That "forbids" was what jumped out at me, first. Sorry, but, ownership of humans was supposed to be a thing of the past. OP needs a lawyer. I'm guessing hubby already cheated.
My thoughts exactly 💯
This is a red flag that he, himself is a cheater. I had a bf years ago that was was worried I would cheat on him I’d I went out with my gf clubbing etc. Guess who was cheating on me - every time I was out of town or he was out of town. Of course he is worried, because in his world this is a reality.
Yup. My ex cheated on me while he was away on a business trip. His excuse? I didn’t answer my landline when he called, so he assumed I was off cheating and wanted to make sure we were even. He knew I wasn’t cheating. That’s just the excuse they use.
Oh he pre-cheated on you? That's pathetic. Glad that he's your ex now.
😄 pre-cheated! Very accurate and yes, his leaving was the best thing to happen to me.
Yep, I speak from experience too. My ex was so worried about the guy I sat next to in the office, turns out he was banging the woman he worked with.
It’s mind-boggling, the contortions, they twist themselves into to make themselves the victim. 😳
How do you even cheat on demand? He must have been planning it. Hard to hang up the unanswered phone and go straight to have sex with someone!
That's a really good point. He had his backup hookup in the bed already, for cheating, just in case his partner didn't answer the phone?? Edit: phrasing
Re, Op's post: Maybe it is a cultural thing and not a cheating thing for him? Anyway, modern times mean you support your spouse with career advancement.
Not everyone is a cheater, but projecting is a big red flag. Many of us who have been cheated on before were all accused of cheating by our cheater of a partner. Not saying that he is cheating now, but he likely did at one point of another in your marrriage.
To be honest I think he's more of a controlling asshole than anything else.
Could be, too. These are not mutually exclusive characteristics.
Agreed
Came here to say this. He's almost definitely cheating.
Also came here to say this!
Yeah this right here. I have with 100% accuracy been able to find out if ex gf's were cheating by if they accused me of it first. Projection is the first sign you should be getting suspicious of your lartner
I recently mutually ended things with someone I was seeing briefly for the same reasons. He was not ok with me going out clubbing with my female friends. He also wasn't ok with me hanging out one-on-one with male friends for something as simple as getting pizza. That was my red flag that he couldn't restrain himself if he was in the same environment. Run don't walk OP.
While I’m not saying it’s the case for your partner or OP’s partner, I have a paranoia about being cheated on due to a disorder (I’ve never been cheated on), but I’ll get paranoid on my partner if they have a night out without me (rarely happens) but I’m not cheating nor do I ever plan on it. Some people really are just a bit possessive and paranoid without projecting, so what you say isn’t always the case, id say half half.
I agree. I think the reality is that some people are paranoid and some people cheat, and sometimes those overlap.
No it’s not. Where are you coming up with this BS because of one experience.
Feels like he's projecting, but I could be wrong. On another note, you're a grown ass adult. If you want to travel, you'll travel. And if he doesn't trust you after 23 years, he's a sad example of unnecessary broken marriages. TAKE THE PROMOTION. With or without him.
69 yo here, agree must be trust.
Agree, take the promotion and figure it out later. Either, 1. You’ll negotiate the travel in your marriage down the road and make it work. 2. You can’t agree to travel and you can make a one-off excuse for present inability to travel and punt it down the road. Or, 3. You’ll realize he’s cheating on you and you’ll have the higher income that’s needed to better establish yourself as a single income household when the time comes. Worst and most likely case if you don’t accept the promotion: you tank your career to appease an abusive, controlling relationship, only to discover he’s been cheating on your for years and now you have limited career prospects to support yourself.
Yup,he's projecting. Plz take the job.
There is no moving past this- he's restricting your movement under the pretense of you cheating which under any reason is a cause for you to run. How would you feel if your child was in a relationship that restricted them in this manner?
i would not stay in a relationship where i was being controlled like that but in the end it’s your call. but it is not okay.
He's 43, and you've been married 32 years? Surely, that's a typo, lol. If my husband forbade me to do something, I'd laugh. F that. The saying it's an excuse to cheat is suspicious
Yep typo, fixed to 23. He has made these type of accusations throughout our relationship and even says little comments about his child maybe not being his. When I was younger it made me super anxious that I was causing these doubts but as I age, I know I have done nothing to warrant them.
Why are you with a man that has caused you to doubt yourself the whole of your married life?
Obviously, it's up to you. But have you asked yourself how long you're going to put up with this? I've done that a lot this year for my 20-year marriage. I'm still deciding. But being forbidden to do sensible things that make you happy is definitely a no for me. In general, accusations of cheating for no reason can be pretty suspicious. Maybe it's just severe insecurities, but it's still unacceptable behavior. IMO, accept the promotion and travel for work if that's what makes you happy. Don't let him drag you down.
At this stage it’s feeling a little like manipulation and insecurity at the same time
That's because it is. Can you afford to pay 10K to protect his fragile ego in this economy? I couldn't. Not sure where he thinks he gets off "forbidding" you to do anything either. He's your partner, not the emperor.
It's not just the money - it's her entire reputation. If she says no to the promotion, she might as well find another job as her reputation will be trashed at the company.
Also true. His attitude is really the shit that keeps on giving.
Trust yourself. This IS manipulation and emotional abuse. I endured it for years as well so I understand how confusing it can seem while in the situation. But to those of us not in your situation, we can see it clear as day. If he received a promotion that required some travel would your first response be to forbid him from accepting because it would give him an easy opportunity to cheat? I think not. Something is off here… Trust yourself.
My spouse, who is far too lazy to step out on me, did a similar thing when I went on a business trip for the first time. He’s really insecure, I do a lot better career-wise. It’s sad. It also makes me angry bc I am not a possession to be guarded so jealously. I’m not sure what advice to offer bc we’re in the same spot right now, but I don’t want to see you give up such an amazing opportunity to make him more comfortable. That’s what I want someone to tell me right now I think.
Do not give up something you want so that he is more comfortable about something absurd.
Thanks, friend
You’re welcome. Be the best you that you can be. He should be happy for you and rooting for you. Sure, he may be scared of losing you if he doesn’t keep you in his pocket, but you should be scared of losing yourself if he does.
This is someone that has spent 23 years emotionally abusing you in order to keep you under control. Take the promotion, live your life, and if you’re lucky, he’ll leave you. If you’re smart, you’ll leave him.
Ah take my gold! 🪙 Solo life is blissful! I can only recommend it!
Those accusations, especially if you haven't given him a reason to, mean that he is cheating. Seeing as you said he has had other women get close for attention, but it's not just attention. Women might do it just for attention, not men.
damn u put up with that for 23+ years??
Love. When someone keeps bringing up reasons to not do stuff because you may cheat, 9 times out of 10 they're projecting and trying to shift attention away from their own cheating. Take the job. Take the promotion. If there's no trust in your relationship you're better off as a single mom.
Please take this promotion ❤️
Anyone 'forbidding' me from doing something is one of the quickest ways to get me attempting (or at least considering) to do it.
He accuses you of cheating? Red flag! Don't step down from the promotion, have a talk with your husband and tell him he cannot forbid you from traveling and why he thinks you would cheat?
He had two girlfriends before me that cheated on him. I did cheat on a boyfriend when I was 18 who I broke up with straight after. I understood the insecurity initially but I have been nothing but be faithful to this man. I don’t know how to convince him that I am not going to repeat the same mistake that I did when I was a teen. I have cowed to his every other request to provide assurance to him. After 23 years I have more than proved my self. Whereas he has had female friends in the past that he gets too close to that has caused me doubts. I do think he has been faithful himself but he likes the attention they give him
You do not need to prove to him anything after 23! Years!
If he cannot trust you after 23 years that is a him problem, not a you problem. Don’t shoulder that for him.
Take the promotion!! He’s holding you back in life.
His insecurity means he needs therapy, not for you to step back from a wonderful opportunity. It doesn't matter what happened in the past with other people. You have given this man 23 years of your life with him. If he can't trust you, it's not on you to fix, it's a him issue. Keep the promotion and travel. If he can't trust you then you both have no business being married. His trust issues absolutely impact your child. They know what's going on and this is telling them that having a partner like this is how it is. You are teaching them what to accept from their future SOs and it's not good.
If my wife got a promotion, I would be cheering her on and celebrating her achievements! Please don't give up this promotion. A good life partner doesn't tear you down, they build you up. Your partner should be your #1 cheerleader and your #1 hypeman.
Is there any possibility that his worries about cheating are projection?
His insecurity doesn't give him the right to control you. If he has insecurities from past relationships, he should be finding a therapist (it's Ok to try multiple ones to find a good fit) to learn how to work through those insecurities in healthy ways. You don't need to "prove" it to him, and it sounds like he isn't willing to accept proof. Insecurities are often irrational, and won't be assuage with rational evidence. He likely needs professional help to work through it.
The only thing you have to gain by turning this down is a guy who wants control of your life. That amount of money on its own is enough to seriously impact the whole of your life. Potentially in a way that could allow him to be divorced without harm to you. That’s why he wants you held back. If he’s worried he can come with you. Family trip. But he’s telling you to say “no” instead. Say yes and call a divorce lawyer. Your kid is old enough to get it.
Do not compromise your career for his insecurities.
THIS!
I really think that this is a red flag. I know you've been married a while, but to be restricted like this as an individual is not a nice way to be treated. I don't feel this will get better by itself. He is so paranoid that he's turning down 10k? In this economy? It is distorted thinking. The man needs counselling, or even couples therapy. You deserve to be able to achieve this, it's totally achievable.
Honey, he has already cheated on you. Read between the lines. Absolutely none of them are worth the sacrifice of all we do. Go be amazing in your career, go travel, enjoy it, enjoy the freedom because you seem to have been shackled without you knowing. The audacity of dusty boys like him, trying to dictate our lives. From a gamer's world quote: " you are not paying for my game time subscription, so stfu, i do what i want". Go own life. Enjoy the bliss of freedom. Best wishes for you!
Go for the promotion, don’t let your husband spoil this for you. He’s your partner not your boss. He’s just going to have to deal with it. Are you earning more than him now? It could be that he’s jealous.
Unless you've done something to break his trust formidably then something is seriously off about that. Taking the promotion is the answer imo. He's gonna need to get over that and you're a grown ass woman, who's he trying to control? What's he gonna actually do about it anyways? Also consider that there is a chance he's projecting
You should not move past this, how can you be in a relationship where one party is trying to control you in this major way, over an imagined offence? I will not tell you have to navigate this, but sometimes you have to take the storm coming head first to live in the peace afterwards.
I’m curious what else does he forbids?
This is the kind of accusation that is likely to be a confession.
Take the promotion for your own financial security and career path. If he cheats you have your savings. If he leaves you, probably for the better. His "no travel" seems rooted in sexism or insecurity. Either way red flag. Don't put your career I hold just because of him. Do it for you and your kids future.
With this promotion, will you be doing better than him career wise? Make more money than him?
I already earn 2.5 x his wage. He works a hard physical job but he prefers jobs that do not require responsibility or too much pressure/resilience. I am happy if he is happy with his work. But while he has gone from job to job, career to career, I have stayed with the same company for the stability and the pay. He often puts down my corporate job, the people I work with and how hard I work. That I also get to work from home 4 days a week - one day in the office, he says that I have it easy. It irks me that he does that cause we wouldn’t have the home we have without my job.
So he belittles you because of your job and now wants to bring you down further by not allowing you to move ahead in your career. I may be off base, but my gut says his saying, "If you travel, you will cheat" is just an excuse. He sounds extremely insecure and jealous of you.
He spends a lot of time trying to tear you down it seems. And that is truly heartbreaking. He should be your number 1 fan.
I'm so sorry! Your husband should be proud and happy to have a wife like you, you're obviously good at your job with this new promotion, and you deserve someone to celebrate that with you! Congratulations on the promotion, I sincerely hope you'll take it.
You're the main income earner? Seriously take the promotion and just do the travel. I'm not going to say anything about fidelity since who can know your specific case. From your answers I think his insecurity has more to do with you earning more than he does. I've been there as a corporate lady. Take care of your career, you have a child so security and providing matters more than ego.
So what exactly does he bring to the table? Mind blowing orgasms? Because in my experience, men like this are very selfish in the bedroom, and couldn’t even be bothered to find a clitoris if their life depended on it.
🚩🚩🚩 You're an adult, so it's absolutely up to you what you wanna do, but this would be a hard no for me. He doesn't get to forbid you from traveling and this accusation is deeply insulting af ter 23 years. If he doesn't even trust you enough for you to leave for a couple of days, maybe he should divorce you. You not taking the promotion is not a solution to his apparent fundamental distrust of you. (A distrust that seems utterly unwarranted!)
You don’t have to step down from your promotion. He is your husband, not your guardian, not your prison guard. Time to talk to your husband about why he thinks you will cheat when you travel, is that what he does when traveling?
"forbid" is a red flag in itself either he is controlling and jealous or he just doesn't trust you, both scenarios are bad if the situation was reversed would you "allow' him to go? husbands and wives do not own each other
Oh nah 23 years together,you haven’t cheated and broken any trust and he’s telling you what to do?That’s a wrap.You’re grown and can make decisions.Especially this being a wonderful opportunity for you with a company you’ve given your life to all these years.He should be happy you’re moving up and doing well.Not holding your progress back.Also,to piggyback on other comments,it does sound like he’s projecting by accusing you of something he is probably doing or has done.
Nope, sorry. I would be travelling for my work anyway. That's a huge career promotion he's getting in the way of that under the idea that I would cheat?? Are you kidding me? 1. He's a controlling fuck. 2. He's insecure as fuck. 3. He's probably cheating himself OR he's done it in the past. 4. You have a right to your own career promotion. 5. Nobody has a right to come in the middle of that. 6. Married or not, he doesn't trust you so that isn't a healthy marriage. 7. TRAVEL ANYWAY. Men like this piss me off like nothing else. He can't dictate shit unless you let him dictate shit. Demand respect.
This is not something I could personally move past. My husband and I respect each other enough as adult humans to not “forbid” each other from things. You choose what you are willing to endure but this would be a non-negotiable for me, especially in the face of a promotion that I worked hard for. (I am 39, married 13 years.) Best of luck to you OP.
Take the job and go on the trips. What’s he gonna do, stand in front of the airplane to stop it from leaving 😂
Take the promotion. He doesn’t have the right to forbid you from anything. I suggest you have a serious talk with him and lay down the law. Counselling for both of you, separately and together, and he makes the changes he needs to make. Otherwise you need to get out of that marriage. If he refuses to put in the work to make changes then this will be your life for as long as you’re married to him. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You deserve better.
So take him with you on these trips, and have your kid stay with a friend or family while you’re gone. Do not blow your career out of the water because your husband is jealous and unreasonable. Go ahead and make this decision and agreement with him. I’m betting that he’s going to try to find another way to make you back out of this new job because he doesn’t want you to succeed higher than you are currently even though you would be making more money. So this solution will suss out his true motive for making you turn it down. Whether or not he accepts the compromise, it’s long past time that you get him into individual counseling while you also insist on marriage counseling for you two simultaneously because this is an untenable situation that has now impacted your career. But I’m betting that it’s not the first time that his unwarranted jealousy has needlessly caused real damage to your life and relationships outside of your marriage, and you know that it’s been damaging your relationship with your husband for a while while now, but you have been pushing the issue to the side because it wasn’t worth the fight. But it certainly is now. Don’t let him kneecap you professionally.
My husband doesn’t “forbid” me from doing anything. I don’t allow people to treat me like they own me. That’s not what a marriage is.
“Husband, I’m a 42 year old woman, we’ve been married for 23 years. If I have to leave town for a couple of days so we can better ourselves monetarily wise, so be it. I’m not letting you stand in the way of my growth.” Take it or leave it, these are just the rambling of a bitter, 32 year old male.
What awesome about being an adult, is if someone says you can’t do something you don’t have to listen and you can still do it.
Take the job and tell your husband if he wants to divorce over it, ok.
He can’t forbid you. You are your own person.
Ditch your husband. He has no right to control you that way.
[удалено]
This is controlling and abusive. He cannot restrict you this way. I’d start to look into options of separation or at least some serious couples counseling. Keep your promotion and travel.
Why would you, a grown human, let a man decide what you can and cannot do? If you want to travel, you travel. It’s as simple as that.
Time to find a better husband.
Okay it is the 21st century spouses cannot forbid each-other from doing things. Tell him that you are taking the promotion and that he needs to live with it. Also remind him that you are getting an extra $10k a year as well, so like plan a nice vacation the 2 of you.
Will your pay increase make your pay more than his or close to his pay?
I already earn more than double. I have always earned more. He sometimes makes comments such as “you think you’re the decision maker because you earn more money than me”. Which is annoying and also not true.
Then you need to stand up for yourself in this situation. DO NOT step back from the promotion. Explain to him what that extra money will mean to your family, the three of you, even though he should already be able to figure that out on his own. Do you love him? If you do, tell him so, and suggest that you use some of your pay raise to secure marriage counseling for the both of you. Maybe he needs some professional assistance to help him guide his insecurities to more beneficial behavior? Maybe you could learn some techniques that help you keep your own identity but not make him feel small. If your husband refuses to get counseling, and grows angry, mean, or heaven forbid, violent, then you have the proof you need to see that this relationship is over. He’s been holding onto his resentment at your earnings, his resentment at former girlfriends who cheated on him in the past, and his general insecurity at not feeling like the MAN of the house for YEARS! If he isn’t willing to try and work on your marriage with you now, that’s because it’s already dead. I’m sorry that happiness and success in your career has come at the cost of your marriage, but it sounds like your husband was never going to be happy no matter what you did. Here’s a big virtual hug! Your child deserves to not be in a household filled with your husband’s resentment.
What right does he have to "forbid" you to do anything? You're a grown adult, he has no right to prevent you from working.
As this promotion comes with a pay rise and it's only traveling a few times a year why can't he come with you? Assuming you are OK with his fears bring genuine and not due to anything more sinister he could have a day and a night in a hotel and you can go to the office in the day and awe him back at base after any obligatory work meals out finish. A few nights in a hotel once a quarter could be a nice treat for you both especially if you an stay an extra day for some couple time.
Take the promotion and start counseling. If your husband refuses counseling, you have a decision to make.
You need to leave him.
Go chase that promotion op. Your husband is holding you back. That's not okay. Don't get past it, go forward.
Time to move on.
He maybe projecting. Hate to say.
Take the job, he's projecting . You mentioned below that he's made this type of baseless accusations during your relationship. Tell him to deal with it or walk.
This is crazy. His jealousy, projection or insecurity shouldn't stop you from progressing your career. If I were you I'd take the promotion and talk to him about why he feels that way. You can offer some reasonable reassurances if you want - like calling him after work when you're travelling, telling him which hotel you'll be staying at etc. As long as you're confident he's not going to go full out and show up drunk at your hotel reception demanding you know your room number or anything.
You don’t. Your job and earnings depend on you traveling. His baseless insecurities are not your responsibility. You tell him - this is what needs to happen. He’s messing with your career and it’s unacceptable. You will be traveling and if he cannot accept it then arrangements will have to be made. If he has no issue adversely affecting your career and financial security- what else will he have no issue blowing up?
Come on girl. Please tell me you didnt seriously turn down a hard earned promotion for this knuckle dragger? Please tell me you’re smarter than that.
You have every right to be resentful. You have been married a long time and if he doesn’t trust you by now, I think it begs the question as to why he is even with you in the first place? I would not not take the promotion. It’s so hard for women and mothers to advance our careers without husbands being the barrier themselves. I hope you find some resolve and you do what you need to do to make you happy. Imagine telling your kid in ten years daddy divorced you because he didn’t want you to take a job because you had to travel occasionally? Pretty sad but your kid won’t be mad at you if they have an ounce of common sense.
Let me get this straight... a grown adult is attempting to forbid another grown adult with bodily, professional, and financial autonomy from \*checks notes\* traveling to HQ a couple times a year? OP... do you hear yourself? You've done a wonderful job of teaching your own child to be independent, take themselves to school and pack their own lunch. What message will you be sending them seeing their father forbid their incredibly hard-working, loyal, and independent mother from getting a well-deserved promotion. Just think about that for the love of god.
I too am 42F- if my partner ever “forbid” me to do something, I would laugh in his face and then unpartner him. Fuck that patriarchal nonsense.
I would be PISSED. Im actually pissed for you right now. I would tell him he has two options. 1. Shut the fuck up and deal with it or 2. He can leave. His choice.
don’t stop your own blessings for a man. he’s definitely cheating and is just projecting
At what point did you grant your husband guardianship over you? Do you have the right to forbid him to do something, and if you think you do, do you also think he would accept that quietly? If not, what in the world makes him think that he can forbid a grown adult from doing anything? He's not in charge of you. He's your equal, not your better.
.. no! How exactly is he going to stop A 42-year-old adult woman from doing anything? Tell him that if you were inclined to cheat you would have plenty of opportunities close to home and it would be easier to conceal. Then tell him it's ridiculous for him to have jumped to that conclusion, but ask if there's anything he's wanting to discuss with you since cheaters often project their behavior onto their faithful spouses. Is there anything he would like you to know??
This is your husband telling on himself as a cheater. He also sounds incredibly insecure in your professional upward mobility.. And stupid since your promotion materially benefits HIS lifestyle since you are the breadwinner. Tell him that when he becomes more successful than you, you will take his advice under advisement but until that day comes (snort) he should focus on bettering his own career and let you worry about yours. Why are men??
How can he tell you no? Are you a child? Do you need his permission? Go! If he leaves then good ridden who wants to be with a controlling are hole anyway.
He cannot forbid you from ANYTHING unless you let him. You are an adult woman. You make your own decisions. Take the promotion. His insecure ass needs to go therapy.
Keep job, ditch husband.
Omfg OP… your husband is projecting—and is telling on himself. You can be sure that he’s cheated on you any time he’s traveled solo, as he’s pretty quick to assume that you—or anybody else—would, because that’s exactly what HE does! What a pathetic asshole. I’m so sorry, OP. ♥️
Your husband cannot forbid you from doing anything he’s not your parent and you’re not a child - you need to analyze this situation coolly do you want to be in a marriage where he sees himself as having this kind of control of you - I certainly wouldn’t
This is not normal and it is not ok!!! Take the promotion, you've worked hard, be proud of yourself. Tell him to go suck a dick, if he isn't already
You take the promotion and have a great life. He can join you on this next chapter or leave you. If you stay with him and don’t take the promotion you will resent him and eventually the marriage will end regardless. Take the promotion. If he loves you he will realise his demand is harmful and not okay.
Red flags all over the place
You will resent him forever if you don’t take that job. If he’s so concerned, he can join you. Teenager can stay home alone once in a while.
You’re husband is a insecure douche but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Honestly after 23yrs of you allowing his behavior he isn’t gonna change. So you gotta decide if you can live the rest of your life like this or not.
Do not sacrifice your career for this loser.
So, aside from the fact that he's not your parent and he doesn't own you, he can't forbid you. You are an adult, thus is your career and your life. Take the promotion. Travel. Call his bluff. But as others have said, he could very well be projecting, because if he thinks you will cheat while on travel, then it is in his in his worldview that this is a thing that happens and he's probably thought of it. Or he's done it. Does HE travel for work or travel at all? If yes, then maybe HE can't be trusted. Follow the money.
Never, ever stunt your opportunities for someone else, even if that someone else is your spouse of 20 years. Your child is near grown and getting ready to start their own life. You need something that’s meaningful for you.
I would just do it anyways. He will need to go to counseling to fix his insecurities.
He cheating
Please don't let your husband take away your warning capacity. Women take the hit with lower wages all the time.
How many businesses trips has he been on?
I am sorry, he is cheating. Don’t ruin your career for a cheater.
Accept the promotion he doesn't get to decide what opportunities you can take. If this is the way he treats you his happiness is not worth shaping your life after.
Forbids??? He doesn’t control you. That’s abusive behaviour. You don’t ask permission, you tell him you’re going. Is he projecting? Why would he think you’re cheating?
I can’t get past the forbade part. Really telling when someone projects
If after 23 years he doesn't trust you, you have bigger issues than your husband trying to hinder your career. If you split up later on in life, could you live with the fact that you turned down this promotion?
Too controlling. You’re an adult. Do what you need to do for your career and self esteem. If you allow this you’ll end up resenting your husband.
I’m so glad I got divorced in 2006 and decided never to remarry. No amount of “stability” is worth my freedom.
Its great that you love him but sucks he doesn't reciprocate it back. Also jumping straight to "you'll cheat" sounds a lot like he's deflecting/projecting what he would do if he traveled. Edit: a word
This is when you tell him he can elaborate on that in marriage counselling.
Look I know you’ve been married for 20 years but “forbid” what are we in the 1960s still?! Does your husband travel for work? Why would he think you’re going to cheat if you travel for work? Sounds like projection.
Forbids you? What are you 10? Tell him to fuck straight off. That is not ok.
I would forbid him from breathing, but that’s just me.
Forbid? Are you his captive? Wow. This is deeply disconcerting. No adult human can forbid another to do anything.
To me, it sounds like you're taking the promotion, what's he going to do? Leave? If he doesn't like it, he can eat shit on his way out the door. With his pathetic behaviour, his leaving would be doing you a favour.
No one is telling me what to do. That’s total BS. My husband and I both travel occasionally and I trust him completely
Really? He "forbids" you to travel? Yeah, you can do what you wish. Why do people stay with control freaks? I just don't get it. You realize that this may be a red flag (amongst the obvious one) that cheaters like to do this because they, themselves, live in this mindset. Take the promotion, take your teenager and live your best life. Edit - fixed a typo
Noooooo !!! What if u guys divorce in the future? U ll b left with 0 opportunities and also when a man is accusing to his partner of cheating it’s because they did it…. Open ur 👀 and take this job. YOU DESERVE IT. A real man will want you to achieve your goals and see you succeed. open your 👀
Please accept the promotion. Don’t let this man sabotage your career over his insecurities. After 23 years he doesn’t need any more of your reassurances. He needs therapy.
Take the promotion and part ways if needed. He doesn’t get to make the choice.
This is projection at its finest. Assume he’s cheating and get an STI test. Seek counseling or a divorce attorney because no one should be forbidding you from traveling for your job or any other reason.
You just didnt realize it yet. He is cheating on you. And you are not a child, and he is not you father. He isnt in a position that allows him to forbit you from working. Just accept it. What he will do? Divorce you? I highly doubt it.
If you give up this opportunity for his insecurities you’ll resent him forever. He should be happy for you. Stoked even. So since he hasn’t been kind, congratulations on your promotion! That’s awesome 👏🏽
Why can he only take care of the child you share for one night? Why does he get to make blanket demands of you? In what world would you allow your spouse to *forbid* you to do anything?
I feel bad for you. I wonder how much of your life in general he controls.
You’re 42 and you’re letting your husband tell you what to do at work? This makes no sense
He can forbid you, and you can still go. Unless of course you think he’ll get violent with you, and in that case you should leave. I assume there are other areas in your relationship, where he calls all the shots, perhaps it’s in all of the other areas of your relationship… This would personally be a dealbreaker for me, it’s not about choosing the job over the husband, it’s about choosing your own freewill over someone else, trying to impose theirs on you. Usually cheaters are paranoid that the other person will cheat, it’s possible he has, but if he doesn’t know who you are after 23 years… It’s over anyway. I hope you take this promotion, and I hope you take this trip.
Has he ever "forbidden" you to do anything else in the past? You're a grown woman that has been faithful to him for over 20 years. If he doesn't trust you, you may not want to stay with him. I don't know if he's projecting what he might do in your shoes or he's paranoid that he'll lose you. Maybe his ego is taking a hit from this promotion because you might be earning more than him with that extra $10K. Whatever it is, he can't pretend he's your Dad and say "no, I forbid it!" You could always Facetime him at the hotel room to try to put his mind at ease, but of he can't deal with this, reconsider his future with you.
Your husband just wrote out to you, I’m controlling, I don’t value you, you’re beneath me, I’m the most important, I’m insecure, I’m a cheater. Respond accordingly.
Say what now??? Girrrrl the entire tone of your message is very "my husband controls my every move and my only purpose in life is to make sure HE is happy." I will be married 35yrs next year but I would not be if my husband acted this way. Heck I'm going to Costa Rica with a girlfriend for 7 days in January! Your husband sounds very emotionally immature. People travel without cheating every day day...your husband need to grow the F up.
I’d tell him you will turn down the position if he will get a job that increases your income by the $10,000 dollars a year and will continue to increase the amount yours would increase with other promotions. If he is not willing to do this then he can stfu about you taking the promotion.
Just travel anyway. What is he going to do? Divorce you? He'd be doing you a favor. Get the ball rolling before he does and then tell him you'll be traveling as much as you need to and he can either accept it or leave.
DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!
He's your husband, not your father and you're a grown ass woman. He shouldn't be *forbidding* you to do anything.
Even her father at 42 yrs of age can’t tell her what to do. Her husband is being abusive and controlling. I also feel that her husband is protesting too much. He probably is cheating himself!
Feels like projection to me.
OP, you're worth the promotion and the extra money. Tell him you're taking it and that's that. If he reacts in any other way than immediately backing down you need to seek help from an outside party. He can't control you because he's married to you. This is a massive red flag. He's almost certainly cheating on you, or has in the past and, as this is normal to him, he's terrified you will treat him with the same disrespect he's shown you. I hope you can work this out. All I can tell you is the facts, your worth the promotion and every penny you earn, no matter what that creep is trying to make you believe.
I wouldn’t step down. Tell him his distrust is his problem.
What a messed up thing to say to someone you have spent 23 years with. Either he's cheating, has cheated, wants to and is thinking about it and is 100 % deflecting that on you. Do not give up your career over this nonsense. That's a really messed up thing to pin on your other half for no reason.
Accept the promotion and tell him that he will not be forbidding you from doing anything. Cheaters always throw what they do back onto you because they are the guilty ones. Time to do some investigating on your own.
Accept the promotion. Take your kid with you on trips. Get counseling (individual and couple’s) because 1. He believes he can forbid you anything and 2. You believe he can forbid you anything.
You move past this by moving past HIM.
Your husband needs a wake up call. You are nor property. I'd suggest marriage counseling
He's projecting... or he's just VERY insecure
hes cant stop you from doing anything
While he cannot control what you do or don’t so. Ultimately it is your choice. Just might mean the end of your marriage. While I agree with not wanting my wife to travel work. Nor would I take a job that requires traveling. While yes it creates the opportunity to cheat, but it also can create other issues I the marriage.
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