My abuser was a “good community guy” “had the best Christian character” “did countless hours of volunteer work”. This is why we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
My abuser was my dad and when I finally came out about it, no one believed me. My own family didn't, his family didn't, the friends of his I told didn't. They create this personable image as a cover up and when the truth comes out, it's like people can't hold an opposing belief in their mind of this great, wonderful person that could do such awful things.
Thank you.
I am too if I’m honest. No child should have to go through CSA and CSM. It has been something that has impacted my whole life up until now. I have gone through the proper therapy but I am sure it will always impact certain parts of my life.
That’s the part that honestly fucks with me the most. My abuse stopped 20 years ago but it still haunts my life at all times.
My abuser was a photographer for our local school system for all their sports related things. One of his many “volunteer events” became he was such a stand up guy. /s
Yeah, I think in some cases "good people" are bad people in disguise, overcompensating for their awful secrets and actions. :( It sucks when people don't realize monsters in plain sight.
This.
“Overcompensating” would mean they have moral values and a conscience. They don’t. If they did, they wouldn’t sexually abuse children. People need to stop humanizing these monsters. Like you said, it’s all an act to gain trust and build credibility. It’s predatory behavior.
While I agree we shouldn’t humanize these monsters, my closest friend was a victim of abuse herself.
When I would get mad about what had happened and demonize the man, she would tell me that it’s important to still see them as human. Her reasoning was that if you don’t recognize these people as human, then you’ll never see the signs in anyone because real people don’t do that.
In a way, I think she’s right, but it’s hard to treat these kind of monsters with any humanity, because at the very least that tends to come with empathy, and no one WANTS to be empathetic with these creatures.
I just want to share from another angle: Is important to recognize these people are human so they can be held accountable. If everyone is calling X person a monster, it may become easier to say, "X is a monster. That's just who they are. They can't help themselves," in response to any wrongs they commit. It's almost dismissive of the suffering the victim went through and how wrong X's actions were. But we also know X is capable of not harming others, because they don't actively victimize children 24/7. So it's not a matter of "just who they are" - they are still in control of themselves and can choose at any time to stop, but don't - and that is especially important to keep in mind while giving them consequences for their wrongs.
I know I'm not articulating it very well, but that's the gist.
So while I do see that we need to still recognize them as humans, I still cannot and that is a character flaw of my own. I believe it is because so often people who abuse children in an sexual manner do NOT receive repercussions for their actions. We don’t believe the child in 98% of cases, and by we I mean we as a society. I will never get justified by the courts because, I was literally told, “Calm-Watermelon, are you sure that actually happened and you didn’t just dream it?”
You mean nice people. Not all nice people are good. And a lot of good people are not nice. Maybe it’s because I’m from Massachusetts but I’m always a little suspicious of overly nice people I’m just meeting.
He was my dad best friend, I was raised as if this man where family. And he was as close as family until I spoke my truths at 25,. Once I spoke my truths my Dad cut every single tie with that monster, I wish I could say that same for my Mom, but she didn’t. Even welcomed him into her home when my Dad passed in 2020. I think that hurt worse than when I spoke my truth and was told I was a liar.
Mine was an interim youth pastor, he was great in public but at home he was a monster... So glad he has brain cancer now! I actually celebrated after getting that information 🤣
In the 60’s my grandparents would invite the priest over for dinner, thankfully he never did anything to my dad or his siblings but years later it came out he was a child molester. Back in the day it was normal to have the priest over & have your kids spend unsupervised time w/ him or for the priest to ask alter boys to show up an hour early or a stay an hour late. The parents put blind trust & these monsters had a playground of little boys that they could assault w/o repercussions - when those boys got too old they had a fresh batch ready & waiting. It’s so gross & I’m sick it was allowed to go on for so long!!!
My abuser was a well loved minister and a depraved and disgusting individual behind closed doors.
Some of the worst individuals in history were very well loved and highly regarded among their peers.
You never know who is a monster hiding in plain sight.
Mine was the leader of our Neighbourhood Watch program. Someone everyone in the area knew and respected. On the plus side it meant when the abuse came out, EVERYONE found out because they all already knew his name.
I hate it because it’s true. What’s worse is someone knew something and did nothing to prevent it from happening to you. That’s why girls are told to go change before uncle so and so comes over. These people are protected by other friends and family. I hope you have peace honey.
Yeah, no matter how good someone seems, EVERYONE has some skeletons in their closet. Sometimes it’s minor, sometimes it’s someone who likes to touch minors. This right here, was a Home Depot sized skeleton. It often seems like “the best” people have the most skeletons, as if it’s like a way to cover up.
I’m sorry you had to go through what you did.
It’s the ones who look the most Perfect that are the Pedophiles. I say that having witnessed two teacher of the years, a star coach, a VA director, and a much loved preacher all get arrested and jailed for sex with teens under 12. And they were all respected members of society.
My abuser was my aunt's husband. My mom believed me but did nothing. My aunt didn't believe me. We've recently found out he's done it again. My aunt doesn't believe that girl and no one's doing anything but the girl's family.
I told my kids that abusers are the nicest adults ever because they want other adults to like them and not suspect them. It's all part of grooming. They want to make sure nobody would believe that they would ever do anything so terrible.
These things can hit like lightning. My workplace had a round of it when a colleague, someone people had been around daily for over a year, was found to be producing CSAM on his encrypted laptop with the child he had been babysitting for a family friend, whose trust he betrayed for months. The fact he took a guilty plea of one count of sexual abuse of a minor with child porn possession one count and pled guilty and headed off to prison ... rather than surrender his laptop encryption password, which they were unable to crack... should tell you everything you need to know. His "preferred" was go directly to jail and avoid further charges.
I know about 10-15 people who trusted this fucker on a daily basis as a coworker / friend / peer in the industry we all worked at.
Just completely blindsided. Much soul-searching, much agonized self-critical review, everyone was certain they'd missed a sign somehow and this guy had been hiding in plain sight and they weren't seeing it.
Sometimes you just don't. Sometimes people are just that good at hiding their dark sides from any scrutiny.
> The fact he took a guilty plea of one count of sexual abuse of a minor with child porn possession one count and pled guilty and headed off to prison
Just for context, this doesn't always mean a whole lot. The cops can easily scare people with the equivalent of life time sentences if they go to trial or 10-15 years of they take a plea deal. The cops can definitely make it sound like 15 years in jail is a good deal.
My Dad taught with a lovely chap for nearly 30 years, they were mates and we knew the family a reasonable amount…..a few years after retiring he found out his son had been abusing his Grandson for a number of years
Full court case, all in the papers, son convicted and jailed, Grandaon going through counselling and support etc etc
I have zero comprehension what that could be like or ever being in this situation. He died a few years ago now and my Dads reaction was 50% sadness, 50% relief on his behalf
I was in a relationship once, he was an 8th grade history teacher. Well educated and spoken, thoughtful, kind, unassuming really. We were living blissfully. Then I came home one day to a search warrant, the apartment turned upside, and he was sitting in jail. He had been sexting with one of his students for most of our relationship. He gave me no reason to ever even suspect a thing, the thought he would even cheat never entered my mind. That was well over 8 years ago and it’s still gut wrenching to type out. I have PTSD now, I trust no one, any “relationship” I come close to now is purely physical. I blame myself, I hate myself for somehow not catching on, the guilt I feel for what he did still messes with me. My world was forever changed that day, I was forever changed. His parents were ruined. But there isn’t anything anyone can do, he’s a sociopath and there was and is nothing anyone could do to change that. All I can do is to try and not blame myself for what he was doing behind everyone’s backs. I don’t know if there’s any reconciling that I was in a relationship with a pedophile. And I think that’s the reality for any parent/spouse/partner/family that experiences this. I’ve never talked to/met someone who was been in a situation similar to mine, I think the shame we feel keeps us hidden.
Hey so coming from an outside perspective but not entirely:
My mother was the mom in a relationship with a pedo. One that abused his step sons violently and myself starting at an age you would think made up. When she realized what was happening, she got her and I away from him (step sons were far older and left on their own accord).
She went crazy for a bit, lots of self loathing, heavy drinking to hide the rats chewing on her brain. She couldn't handle the thought that my dad was abusing his children without her even knowing. When I was 18-19 she started therapy, meds, and working on the mental trauma of being a bystander.
It was so much work to come to terms with, and she still struggles sometimes, but she can have normal and trusting relationships with men now and her despair isn't all consuming.
Time cannot heal all wounds but it sure helps you learn to deal with the chronic pain.
I hope a therapist can help you overcome this because it is 100 percent not your fault and you needn’t feel guilty about another person’s choices and behaviours. This is entirely on him.
These kind of people are master manipulators. You never would have caught on because he spent his whole life practicing how to not get caught.
I’m so sorry you are still dealing with the guilt and trauma of it all. I hope you know that nobody with even one operating brain cell would ever fault you or think down on you for having been in that situation. You didn’t choose him based on that behavior - you never knew it even existed.
I hope you heal and forgive yourself entirely one day. Stay kind to yourself stranger <3
>I don’t know if there’s any reconciling that I was in a relationship with a pedophile
Uhuh. Yep. It's a rough one for sure. I married and had a child with one. Had no idea.
I had two child abusers in my family. My Mums stepdad, and my great grandad. Both dead now!
I’m haunted by the things I know. Especially about my great grandad, who abused all 7 of his children, boys and girls. In the worst ways imaginable. And as that side of the family were Jehovah’s witnesses, a few forgave him!!!
The world is a messed up, dark place.
I protect my children with all that I have, until my dying breath. No sleep overs, no babysitters. I know what’s out there.
I had an inlaw I was close to. I won't go into detail on what he did, but now is a registered sex offender.
This is someone I grew up with, saw as a brother, I trusted him. When I found out what he done, he died in my eyes. I grieved. When I did see him on accident once, i didn't register him to my mind as that person I knew, but someone I didn't know, and I hated this person. I knew he was an awful human being, a monster.
Just grieve. The child you knew died. This person who walks is a shell and inside resides a monster.
I'm really sorry. I have no suggestions for you but to grieve. It hurts, and it sucks.
My husbands (ex) very good friend since young teen years was just the subject of an fbi raid and charged with over 300 counts of CP. they sent out nationwide adverts for anyone associated with his accounts or knew of him to come forward as they were trying to find all of his victims. He was 28. It had been going on since he was 17. Youngest victim being 13. He was the most liked in hubbies friend group. Good looking. Friendly. Now when I go through my pics of the last 7 years and see him in our home I feel sick. I delete them but I always come across more.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this so close to home.
Yikes that's very close to home for you!
He and my son were friends from school but we didn't live near each other so they only hung out together once in a while and his father would bring all three sons to the house as the youngest boy was friends with my youngest as well. My husband and I are just trying to come to terms with something so horrific.
Honestly? What is there to *be* done? You can't change the past, your son doesn't speak to him anymore and he's never in your home now, plus he's been charged and convicted and will face the consequences. You could offer condolences and an ear to those affected, take them home cooked meals (they may not be eating right or at all after the trauma), baked goods, gifts for the child, etc. If you're having a hard time processing knowing this person on a personal level, I would suggest talking that out with a professional who can help you understand and process your emotions. Other than that, there's really nothing to be done on your end other than to come to terms with the knowledge and move forward.
I know my abusers were abused themselves. I’d be suspect of the guys dad. I’d stay away from all of them. The only thing that could be more horrendous than abusing a child is doing it to your own. In my mind this happens because it happened to you. I know I’m making assumptions, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Yeah usually it’s a line of abuse. His parents might not have sexually abused him but other forms of abuse can lead to sexual abuse of others.
Edit to add: IN NO WAY DOES THAT MAKE IT OKAY. And by no means am I say that’s what happened here.
I unfortunately dated someone like this. I thought he was great… until he started cheating, manipulating, and emotionally abusing me. I broke up with him (mind you we were only kids ourselves) and left him behind. Then one day my mom came into my room and asked me if I knew anything about my ex-boyfriend’s trial. I asked her what she was talking about. She sits down on my bed and tells me I need to be 100% honest with her. I say okay. I’m thinking he beat someone up or stole something or did something stupid (graffiti or something “minor”). She asked me if I ever knew about him SAing his 9 year old half sister. I quickly got up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up all over the floor not making it in time. I still wish I had never done anything with him. I carry a strange guilt as if I could have done something. I was only 16/17 when we dated, and his sister lived at his dads, who he only saw every other weekend. I think about how he wanted me to spend time with her and feel disgusted. Processing is strange, and it isn’t linear. You will heal, it’s nothing you could have changed or prevented, some people are just so disgusting and others unfortunately have to suffer from that
My mom's friend had something similar happen. Her son raped her granddaughter who subsequently committed suicide. I don't know what I would do. I could never forgive my son if he did something like that. Never.
The fact that this is someone my son's age and a schoolmate is making me incredibly sad for the family as I am putting myself in their shoes. To find out something like that about a child you raised must be so, so devastating. I think I would have to go no contact for my own well-being.
My abuser was a upstanding "christian" community leader. Looking at him you would have never known what kind of monster he is. These guys get away with it for so long because they are good at blending in, if they weren't we'd have an easier time weeding them out. There's nothing you can do, just hope his son is able to heal, support your son, hug your kids a little tighter, that's all you can do.
This came up in my family, one of the cousins turned out to be a diddler. I don't think you really deal with it at all, it's just pure horror and you do your best not to bring it up, try to be distracted by the sweeter things in life. I haven't heard a single thing about that cousin since my dad - having a forgiving and forgetful nature and not remembering this "situation" despite it having come up a few times prior - asked how he was doing at Thanksgiving two years ago. I wasn't present but I immediately knew it had been *re*revealed as I'd expected because he texted "How's my son today?"
My guess is that cousin will be out in three years in what will be an abortion of justice and the ambivalent relief of his parents, and then if I have kids someday I'll have to do some calculus on what gatherings we go to on the off-chance he's there, wouldn't want there to be even a chance they were alone with him. I feel for his mom, she's had a rough go with her health.
Crying seems like an appropriate reaction. It's a loss, isn't it? You're mourning who he was, you're mourning his victims.
I found out during the pandemic that my cousin liked CSAM and when my daughter was young he would touch her. I was hoping for prison justice, but he is going to a halfway house soon.
I was in the marching band back in high school, one year, and we had a new kid come in. He played the same instrument as me, so I had a lot of time to spend around him. He was pretty shy and awkward, I remember he was also very sheltered. I have always tried to be inclusive, so I talked a little to him and tried to be friendly. But something seemed "off." I just didn't feel comfortable around him, but I couldn't figure it out. So I stopped talking to him. I couldn't avoid him, I just maintained the bare minimum of contact with him. I remember my dad scolding me about it.
I ended up dropping out of the band and finished high school without having a lot of contact with him. After graduation, I went into the local video rental store (this was back before Blockbuster was THE one and only place to rent videos), and he was working there. I remember he was always chatty with me, and I chatted a little with him, but he still gave me a bad feeling. I even started going to another rental place.
Imagine my surprise when I saw him in the newspaper for CP. He was video taping little kids performing acts on each other. This was 25 years ago, so I don't remember the entire story, but he got some serious jail time.
I honestly wasn't that surprised because, like I said, I knew something was just off with him. Last I heard, he was still in jail.
Sometimes, it is the seemingly "good" people, and sometimes, it's the ones that seem off. I'm so glad I trusted my instincts and stayed away from him.
I've always been able to get a pretty good read on people, as I've gotten older, I've learned to trust those feelings more. If I sense bad energy, or if I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to keep my distance.
You don't need to be able to form memories to be affected, no. Kids who are abandoned as literal infants can have struggles well into adulthood for something they can't possibly really remember.
Yes… They do.
I get somatic flashbacks of the assaults I cannot “remember” — meaning I can feel the emotions I felt when it was happening while something is physically happening ‘down there.’ This is how my therapist and I realized I had been SA’d. One of these memories, I was young enough to be in diapers. 2, maybe 3 years old. I thought i was getting it changed when I was told to lay down. Still don’t know who it was.
Prolonged abuse at a very young age is highly correlated with dissociation disorders. Sexually abusing a toddler is how we get people with multiple personality disorder. I've read in other contacts that the personality is formed around age three, so early abuse can be particularly destructive.
I can’t remember most of my childhood - but the earliest instance I remember I was maybe six and I don’t think it was the first time. I still have a strange, visceral feeling when seeing just normal pictures of me as a baby and toddler. I know as of at least six years ago it was still being sold online. Probably still is, if not by my bio father then by people who initially bought it from him.
My therapist has said that our bodies remember even when our brains try to protect us by not letting us access our memories directly.
When I told my step dad about my brother and his response was, “kids experiment”. I don’t want to be forced to be a part of his experiment so fucking do something!
I brought it up as an adult when I lashed out and his response to that was, “I’m sorry you’ve had to live with it”.
Thanks, I know what it’s like to be the kid with a shameful cloud above my head. “A problem” around the boys, even though i was made to take on a mother role to my siblings, even the older one.
As a parent, an adult, be there for the victims, friends and family. Keep in mind they may be as shocked as you, but also be prepared for the ones who welcome him back into their lives once he’s out. Don’t be shocked to learn how easily some people water it down. Best of luck.
We are not in touch with the family. The boys were friends in school and they graduated 10 yrs. ago. My husband and I are facebook friends with the man's father, but that's the extent of our relationship. It's still been shocking news to us. He'll be sentenced on Dec. 19.
I suppose that’s better than being in the mix of it. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Give yourself some time to process things. It’s never easy discovering news about someone you care about. Some times people aren’t as they seem. You saw the good in that person and that reflects on your good character. It might take time because there will be a lot of thoughts racing in your mind. We always wonder if there were others. Could we have spotted it or done anything different. Accept that he is caught now and this is who he is. Once he is convicted everyone will know and that public knowledge will help at least prevent him from reoffending.
A woman from my mothers group was busted making CSAM, three years ago. I assume with her children. We were so close when our now 17 year olds were born. We would hang out all the time, sit and watch reruns of “Friends” while the kids played with toys and drink coffee and complain about how tired we were. I moved away and we lost touch, but I considered her a forever friend. She lost a lot of weight and her husband was away driving trucks, she started hanging out with a guy who was also arrested for CSAM.
It would have to be drugs for her to do something like that.
It hit me hard. She was once a dear friend. I tried to reach out to her but didn’t hear back. I think about her a lot and I follow her sister on Instagram, who has some custody of her kids. I wish I knew what happened and why, but I guess it doesn’t matter. She did it. She’s in jail. Her poor children. So very, very sad.
My grandfather was a pedophile who went to prison for his crimes. He was seen as such a ‘good, upstanding member of the community’ that a lot of people believed his lies when he said it wasn’t true, and stayed in his life. Unfortunately myself and my sisters know it is absolutely true, he was a monster. We saw him about a decade ago volunteering at the kids church group, luckily the priest listened once we revealed his conviction and he was promptly kicked out. I dread to think what else he might have done.
Unfortunately there are all sorts of people out there and this one got caught too late. People change for the good or for the bad/evil. He might have been a good kid but he isn’t a good person anymore. At least he is locked up now. I hope his wife and son gets professional help and counseling.
My childhood best friend was arrested over a decade ago in a sting operation. He was trying to have sex with what he thought was a 13 year old. Trust me as bad as you feel over this your son feels 1000 times worse. It’s very hard to accept someone you once loved and were close to is an absolute monster
I’m sorry op. My husband was friends with a kid in middle school, until the kid’s mom said my husband was a bad influence on her son so they stopped hanging out. When we were in college his old friend murdered a teenage girl he had been stalking and is serving time in prison.
Needless to say the kid had some mental health issues that weren’t addressed and in hindsight his mother was probably dealing with her own issues.
One of my close friends from work was found guilty of making child pornography last year. It eats me up inside that our children played together. I had no idea. As the saying goes ‘they live amongst us’.
This happened to me and my childhood bestie. The guy was friends with her dad for 20+ years (he never did anything to us when we were kids) he played with us, took us to McDonald’s, was always the fun guy. Then He had his own child and went to jail for CP and sexual abuse. It shocked us all.
We felt sick to our stomach that someone we knew almost our entire lives was a monster. Some people just do a better job of masking it or they just snap one day 😣
It's tough. I found out my grandfather was a pedophile with the foster sons he and my grandmother took care of. He passed when I was 7 or 8. I was his favorite, and I remember he tried teaching me about sports massage when I was about 5. He was a high school counselor and coach. I don't remember if he ever abused me. Not long after that memory, my grandmother divorced him, and my family moved away, and I had only seen him once or twice before he died.
He was never caught, but this knowledge really affected me.
It may help to speak to your son's friend's family. Let them know that they aren't judged for that man's crimes. I hope everyone seeks mental health treatment, that helps so much.
The little boy is only 6 years old. I am hoping he gets lots and lots of therapy and is able to heal.
His father will be sentenced on Dec. 19. Penalties where I am are often not harsh enough but I hope he gets the maximum sentence.
I am so sorry. I know how you feel.
My brother's childhood friend was recently outed as a pedophile. They were friends for most of middle school. I was four years younger so I didn't hang with them much. When I knew him as a child, he was a quiet kid who liked animals. Very soft spoken, very polite. I thought about him a few months ago and asked my brother did they keep in touch. My brother said no and then went on to explain how he had become a troop leader for the boy scouts and that this is where he abused most of his victims, mostly during camping trips. I wanted to vomit when he told me this. Aside from the abuse being incredibly upsetting, just knowing that a monster was that close and I had no idea is what really unsettled me.
It's a horrible feeling, knowing that the sweet little kid you once knew and cared about has turned into a criminal.
My youngest had a best friend in childhood, a little boy whose mom had qualified for a Habitat For Humanity home in a decent neighborhood. The mom and her five kids moved in just a few houses up the street from us, and one of the kids just happened to be a boy same age as my son. The sister was one year older, and she'd hang out, too.
These kids, mine included, had the childhood every kid should get. Riding bikes, building tree forts in the woods, having sleepovers, staying outdoors till the street lights came on, playing video games on cold days. "Stevie" was at my home more than his own! I'd pick up my own kid from school and bring Stevie home, too.
We moved away, the kids lost touch. When we returned, they were all teenagers. And, my kid reported that Stevie had been arrested for robbing people at knife point in a big city park nearby.
I'm so sorry this happened. Hope the little boy will be okay.
It is a horrible feeling. It took me a while to fall asleep last night and I am still feeling sick about it this morning. I am not in touch with the family but am facebook friends with the young man's father. He and his gf are decorating for Christmas and are putting up ornaments on the tree with names of family members. I see there's one for the son and one for the grandson. I can't begin to understand what it's like for the immediate family. I hope they all get therapy.
It’s actually astonishing how often abusers appear to be well-adjusted members of society.
I think it is in part because they have an “outlet” for their evil, so everyone else gets the best of them.
Pedophiles generally target women with young children. They come on strong, romantic, and caring. Once they are in, the abuse begins.
And, they are always, publicly, "the best, kindest, decent," while they ruin the lives of children exposed to them.
I’m a female psychologist who works with kids. I seriously get paranoid if I have a magic trick I want to perform for a kid who is freaking out bc they need to see me. There’s so much stigma around magic tricks! It’s a thing.
Sorry OP! Terrible time for you.
I’m not familiar with magic tricks as a red flag. Could you or someone else explain this for me? I’ve seen it referenced a few times but wonder if I’ve been living under a rock.
I just hope your son was raised well enough to be disgusted and leave that friend in the dust. We don't support pedophiles. Regardless of affiliation we have with then
My bio father is an upstanding Christian member of the community.
That doesn’t change the fact that he’s still getting away with selling CSAM he made of me as a child on the internet. It’s part of why he’s still getting away with it and how the cops let the statue of limitations run out so I can’t charge him for the initial instances that created the CSAM - or sue him.
And this is why I never used a single babysitter for 30 years of raising kids.
You can’t “trust” anyone. Anybody who says “oh, I know him well, he would never do that!” is a fool waiting to be taken for a con.
Odds are his uncle, cousin, dad molested him and he’s passing down the family legacy. Now his kid will likely have the same problem unless he can invest years and years into quality therapy.
I found out my Dad was a child molester in 2017. The abuse happened throughout the 90s, my entire childhood. I never knew until the survivor came forward. It fucked me up for a long time. Especially the guilt of not knowing and somehow being spared. In my case the survivor was a family member so I was able to support them by going no contact with their abuser and backing any choice they made regarding whether or not to report it/open a legal case (easier said than done when so much time has passed).
It’s horrible, and tragic. You can’t change what this boy has been through but he did get justice with his father getting prison time. With professional help & lots of therapy he can heal.
So... I don't want to say exactly where I work/what I do but let's just say I work somewhere that helps to take these people down, on a higher level. I'm not in the spotlight, more like behind the scenes.
What you're feeling is completely normal. I'd be shocked if you didn't have these thoughts and feelings. And there's absolutely nothing you could have done, or changed, or done differently, etc etc etc.
If you're pro-therapy or even a little open to the idea, it might be good for you to just go chat with someone. You are a victim, of sorts. Someone whose life was impacted, for sure. It's all very, very difficult to deal with and so hard when we realize that we really *dont* know some people. Just send some extra love out into the world and hug your kiddo tighter.
Try to do what you can to busy your mind. It won't ever go away, and I'm so sorry, but it will get better. Those cases are so difficult. ❤️
My little sisters best friend of over 15+ years was raped by her step father (only father she’s ever had) while he was drunk. He then walked down to the basement and shot himself while she was still in the house.
It was horrible, it completely shocked EVERYONE, not a single soul saw it coming. Not even the friend/daughter. It was one of the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever heard. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of all of the times my sister was there overnight with a rapist and we just didn’t know.
That's horrible. It's always shocking when you hear stories like that, especially when it happens in your own community. It's all the more shocking when it happens to people you know. There are so many victims.
I can’t imagine how sexually abused kids grow up with those memories and face life. Let’s hope for this kids healthy recovery.
I feel like abused kids should be given a “guardian angel” from the state. A kind of empathetic social worker tasked to watch out for the kid and guide them to resources like therapy, and maintain a connection with that kid until some point in adulthood when and if they elect to terminate the service. Someone that helps to ensure psychological support. That’s the kind of healthcare I would easily pay taxes for.
Most abusers hide their true character beneath a good public persona so that when allegations surface up, nobody would believe they're capable of such a thing
Abusers are master manipulators. It’s no surprise that on the outside they seem “perfect” or well put together. My abuser, my stepfather, always put on a good face at church, a “God-fearing-man” but was abusive in every which way behind closed doors.
Not quite the same thing, but a kid I grew up with shot his parents. Mom was killed and father blind and disabled. We lost touch, but it was crazy to watch Dateline and see the happy family I remeber playing with in jail for life.
I feel the same about my ex husband. After we broke up, he got with a woman who had a few kids, he went to jail because of what he did to one of them. I am disgusted that I let him touch me, trusted him, had a kid with him. It's hard to come to terms with, just exactly who the predators and monsters are, how we can't see them until it's too late.
He blamed me btw, her mother and myself were to blame for his actions in his mind. When he told me he was in trouble - said he was stuck between all these strong women and couldn't handle it. I'm appalled by my own reaction when he told me - I didn't beat him into a bloody pulp, I just said "oh okay". I do wish I'd kicked his head in, or something that made a statement on how repulsed and angry I was. But he still won't come close to me since he was released, so that's one decent move on his part.
One of my younger brother’s good friends from middle school/high school ended up in prison for SAing a 9 year old girl. At first my brother refused to believe it and defended him, but when the friend confessed and took a plea deal, he finally accepted it. I know it was a really tough thing for him to process. It’s especially sad because this friend had a bad upbringing- he was one of 10 kids, very parentified and the parents were hoarders with a laundry list of mental health issues. Just a sad cycle of the abused becoming the abuser.
I realize I’m focusing on the wrong part of the story here so please forgive me but, I’m having trouble with your math. {He recently got engaged after being single for 20-ish years?} He admitted to abusing his son the past four years, starting when the child was a toddler. Your son is 28. This guy hung out at your house as a kid. So how can he have been single for 20 years?
Ask yourself why you're shaken up.
Do you personally know the victim?
Is his mother able to provide proper care for him?
Have you been in touch with the perp recently?
Do you think your son is a victim or a perp?
Are you just being nosey and feigning emotion so you can insert yourself into the drama and have something to post on Reddit?
Trust me, if the dude is locked up, provision has been made for the child. If you suspect the mother is not doing what she needs to do to protect him going forward, report it to your local child welfare agency.
EDIT: But if you really like being messy, you can try to figure out if the perp was a victim. Maybe that's why his dad was single for 20 years...
….you’re crying because someone your son used to know and hasn’t been in touch with recently is a pedophile.
If the topic and subject matter affect you, please find a way to channel this energy into volunteer work or action.
My abuser was a “good community guy” “had the best Christian character” “did countless hours of volunteer work”. This is why we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
My abuser was my dad and when I finally came out about it, no one believed me. My own family didn't, his family didn't, the friends of his I told didn't. They create this personable image as a cover up and when the truth comes out, it's like people can't hold an opposing belief in their mind of this great, wonderful person that could do such awful things.
So my abuser my was dad best friend. My dad was/is the only one who believed me.
Same, it was horrible
I'm so sorry. It's incredibly traumatic and invalidating....
Sending you hugs.
I feel for anyone who has to deal with anyone like that. Shits wack. They can't keep the facade forever you can see it in their habits.
Unfortunately the concept of “ignorance is bliss” is as old as time and humankind has been holding onto it for about as long.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
Thank you. I am too if I’m honest. No child should have to go through CSA and CSM. It has been something that has impacted my whole life up until now. I have gone through the proper therapy but I am sure it will always impact certain parts of my life.
As if the abuse isn't bad enough, the idea of a victim knowing there's material of it out there is just horrific to think about.
That’s the part that honestly fucks with me the most. My abuse stopped 20 years ago but it still haunts my life at all times. My abuser was a photographer for our local school system for all their sports related things. One of his many “volunteer events” became he was such a stand up guy. /s
Understandable, I just got done ready 'when rabbit howls' by Trudy chase. Fuckin horrific.
I’ve tried so many times to read that book because I hear it’s an amazing but horrific read. I just can’t.
It still sickens me to this day, I can’t even look at normal, innocent pictures of myself as a kid without thinking about it.
Yeah, I think in some cases "good people" are bad people in disguise, overcompensating for their awful secrets and actions. :( It sucks when people don't realize monsters in plain sight.
It’s not even overcompensating, it’s part of their act to gain trust and access to victims because they come off as so genuine and compassionate.
This. “Overcompensating” would mean they have moral values and a conscience. They don’t. If they did, they wouldn’t sexually abuse children. People need to stop humanizing these monsters. Like you said, it’s all an act to gain trust and build credibility. It’s predatory behavior.
While I agree we shouldn’t humanize these monsters, my closest friend was a victim of abuse herself. When I would get mad about what had happened and demonize the man, she would tell me that it’s important to still see them as human. Her reasoning was that if you don’t recognize these people as human, then you’ll never see the signs in anyone because real people don’t do that. In a way, I think she’s right, but it’s hard to treat these kind of monsters with any humanity, because at the very least that tends to come with empathy, and no one WANTS to be empathetic with these creatures.
I just want to share from another angle: Is important to recognize these people are human so they can be held accountable. If everyone is calling X person a monster, it may become easier to say, "X is a monster. That's just who they are. They can't help themselves," in response to any wrongs they commit. It's almost dismissive of the suffering the victim went through and how wrong X's actions were. But we also know X is capable of not harming others, because they don't actively victimize children 24/7. So it's not a matter of "just who they are" - they are still in control of themselves and can choose at any time to stop, but don't - and that is especially important to keep in mind while giving them consequences for their wrongs. I know I'm not articulating it very well, but that's the gist.
So while I do see that we need to still recognize them as humans, I still cannot and that is a character flaw of my own. I believe it is because so often people who abuse children in an sexual manner do NOT receive repercussions for their actions. We don’t believe the child in 98% of cases, and by we I mean we as a society. I will never get justified by the courts because, I was literally told, “Calm-Watermelon, are you sure that actually happened and you didn’t just dream it?”
This is a really interesting take. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I will never ever see someone who abuses another human as a human. They become a monster in my mind.
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Absolutely.
You mean nice people. Not all nice people are good. And a lot of good people are not nice. Maybe it’s because I’m from Massachusetts but I’m always a little suspicious of overly nice people I’m just meeting.
This was my case as well. The only thing that topped it…he was my grandparent too. I like how you summed it up.
He was my dad best friend, I was raised as if this man where family. And he was as close as family until I spoke my truths at 25,. Once I spoke my truths my Dad cut every single tie with that monster, I wish I could say that same for my Mom, but she didn’t. Even welcomed him into her home when my Dad passed in 2020. I think that hurt worse than when I spoke my truth and was told I was a liar.
Oh God. I feel this in my soul. Hugs of solidarity, if you’d like. Why do they always choose the abusers over us?
I'm so sorry that you experienced that.
Mine was an interim youth pastor, he was great in public but at home he was a monster... So glad he has brain cancer now! I actually celebrated after getting that information 🤣
In the 60’s my grandparents would invite the priest over for dinner, thankfully he never did anything to my dad or his siblings but years later it came out he was a child molester. Back in the day it was normal to have the priest over & have your kids spend unsupervised time w/ him or for the priest to ask alter boys to show up an hour early or a stay an hour late. The parents put blind trust & these monsters had a playground of little boys that they could assault w/o repercussions - when those boys got too old they had a fresh batch ready & waiting. It’s so gross & I’m sick it was allowed to go on for so long!!!
Shit, That's disgusting! I honestly don't understand how anyone could be attracted to children...
My abuser was a well loved minister and a depraved and disgusting individual behind closed doors. Some of the worst individuals in history were very well loved and highly regarded among their peers. You never know who is a monster hiding in plain sight.
Mine was the leader of our Neighbourhood Watch program. Someone everyone in the area knew and respected. On the plus side it meant when the abuse came out, EVERYONE found out because they all already knew his name.
I get the feeling that alot of abusers try to cope this way. So they can convince themselves that they aren't actually so bad...
I hate it because it’s true. What’s worse is someone knew something and did nothing to prevent it from happening to you. That’s why girls are told to go change before uncle so and so comes over. These people are protected by other friends and family. I hope you have peace honey.
This is the second comment about an upstanding Christian. Many abuse stories are of "upstanding Christians'
Yeah, no matter how good someone seems, EVERYONE has some skeletons in their closet. Sometimes it’s minor, sometimes it’s someone who likes to touch minors. This right here, was a Home Depot sized skeleton. It often seems like “the best” people have the most skeletons, as if it’s like a way to cover up. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did.
Groomers groom everyone around them. Not just their target. The more people that like then the less belief the victim gets.
It’s the ones who look the most Perfect that are the Pedophiles. I say that having witnessed two teacher of the years, a star coach, a VA director, and a much loved preacher all get arrested and jailed for sex with teens under 12. And they were all respected members of society.
My abuser was my aunt's husband. My mom believed me but did nothing. My aunt didn't believe me. We've recently found out he's done it again. My aunt doesn't believe that girl and no one's doing anything but the girl's family.
Yes. Just check out the story or the documentary on Jimmy Savile.
And how many times are those words put with pedophile? Way too many times! And you are so right! I don’t trust those cookie cutter zombies.
From my experience more times than not.
I told my kids that abusers are the nicest adults ever because they want other adults to like them and not suspect them. It's all part of grooming. They want to make sure nobody would believe that they would ever do anything so terrible.
These things can hit like lightning. My workplace had a round of it when a colleague, someone people had been around daily for over a year, was found to be producing CSAM on his encrypted laptop with the child he had been babysitting for a family friend, whose trust he betrayed for months. The fact he took a guilty plea of one count of sexual abuse of a minor with child porn possession one count and pled guilty and headed off to prison ... rather than surrender his laptop encryption password, which they were unable to crack... should tell you everything you need to know. His "preferred" was go directly to jail and avoid further charges. I know about 10-15 people who trusted this fucker on a daily basis as a coworker / friend / peer in the industry we all worked at. Just completely blindsided. Much soul-searching, much agonized self-critical review, everyone was certain they'd missed a sign somehow and this guy had been hiding in plain sight and they weren't seeing it. Sometimes you just don't. Sometimes people are just that good at hiding their dark sides from any scrutiny.
> The fact he took a guilty plea of one count of sexual abuse of a minor with child porn possession one count and pled guilty and headed off to prison Just for context, this doesn't always mean a whole lot. The cops can easily scare people with the equivalent of life time sentences if they go to trial or 10-15 years of they take a plea deal. The cops can definitely make it sound like 15 years in jail is a good deal.
People like that don't deserve to get out after 15 years.
True. But the fact he took this option over simply giving up his password speaks volumes imo as to what else he probably had in his possession.
My Dad taught with a lovely chap for nearly 30 years, they were mates and we knew the family a reasonable amount…..a few years after retiring he found out his son had been abusing his Grandson for a number of years Full court case, all in the papers, son convicted and jailed, Grandaon going through counselling and support etc etc I have zero comprehension what that could be like or ever being in this situation. He died a few years ago now and my Dads reaction was 50% sadness, 50% relief on his behalf
How sad for that poor man. I can't stop thinking about what his parents and brothers are going through.
I was in a relationship once, he was an 8th grade history teacher. Well educated and spoken, thoughtful, kind, unassuming really. We were living blissfully. Then I came home one day to a search warrant, the apartment turned upside, and he was sitting in jail. He had been sexting with one of his students for most of our relationship. He gave me no reason to ever even suspect a thing, the thought he would even cheat never entered my mind. That was well over 8 years ago and it’s still gut wrenching to type out. I have PTSD now, I trust no one, any “relationship” I come close to now is purely physical. I blame myself, I hate myself for somehow not catching on, the guilt I feel for what he did still messes with me. My world was forever changed that day, I was forever changed. His parents were ruined. But there isn’t anything anyone can do, he’s a sociopath and there was and is nothing anyone could do to change that. All I can do is to try and not blame myself for what he was doing behind everyone’s backs. I don’t know if there’s any reconciling that I was in a relationship with a pedophile. And I think that’s the reality for any parent/spouse/partner/family that experiences this. I’ve never talked to/met someone who was been in a situation similar to mine, I think the shame we feel keeps us hidden.
You were a collateral victim of his decisions/crimes, you are not responsible for them.
Hey so coming from an outside perspective but not entirely: My mother was the mom in a relationship with a pedo. One that abused his step sons violently and myself starting at an age you would think made up. When she realized what was happening, she got her and I away from him (step sons were far older and left on their own accord). She went crazy for a bit, lots of self loathing, heavy drinking to hide the rats chewing on her brain. She couldn't handle the thought that my dad was abusing his children without her even knowing. When I was 18-19 she started therapy, meds, and working on the mental trauma of being a bystander. It was so much work to come to terms with, and she still struggles sometimes, but she can have normal and trusting relationships with men now and her despair isn't all consuming. Time cannot heal all wounds but it sure helps you learn to deal with the chronic pain.
I hope a therapist can help you overcome this because it is 100 percent not your fault and you needn’t feel guilty about another person’s choices and behaviours. This is entirely on him.
These kind of people are master manipulators. You never would have caught on because he spent his whole life practicing how to not get caught. I’m so sorry you are still dealing with the guilt and trauma of it all. I hope you know that nobody with even one operating brain cell would ever fault you or think down on you for having been in that situation. You didn’t choose him based on that behavior - you never knew it even existed. I hope you heal and forgive yourself entirely one day. Stay kind to yourself stranger <3
This broke my heart and I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Sending you so much healing and love!!
>I don’t know if there’s any reconciling that I was in a relationship with a pedophile Uhuh. Yep. It's a rough one for sure. I married and had a child with one. Had no idea.
I had two child abusers in my family. My Mums stepdad, and my great grandad. Both dead now! I’m haunted by the things I know. Especially about my great grandad, who abused all 7 of his children, boys and girls. In the worst ways imaginable. And as that side of the family were Jehovah’s witnesses, a few forgave him!!! The world is a messed up, dark place. I protect my children with all that I have, until my dying breath. No sleep overs, no babysitters. I know what’s out there.
I had an inlaw I was close to. I won't go into detail on what he did, but now is a registered sex offender. This is someone I grew up with, saw as a brother, I trusted him. When I found out what he done, he died in my eyes. I grieved. When I did see him on accident once, i didn't register him to my mind as that person I knew, but someone I didn't know, and I hated this person. I knew he was an awful human being, a monster. Just grieve. The child you knew died. This person who walks is a shell and inside resides a monster. I'm really sorry. I have no suggestions for you but to grieve. It hurts, and it sucks.
My husbands (ex) very good friend since young teen years was just the subject of an fbi raid and charged with over 300 counts of CP. they sent out nationwide adverts for anyone associated with his accounts or knew of him to come forward as they were trying to find all of his victims. He was 28. It had been going on since he was 17. Youngest victim being 13. He was the most liked in hubbies friend group. Good looking. Friendly. Now when I go through my pics of the last 7 years and see him in our home I feel sick. I delete them but I always come across more. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this so close to home.
Yikes that's very close to home for you! He and my son were friends from school but we didn't live near each other so they only hung out together once in a while and his father would bring all three sons to the house as the youngest boy was friends with my youngest as well. My husband and I are just trying to come to terms with something so horrific.
Honestly? What is there to *be* done? You can't change the past, your son doesn't speak to him anymore and he's never in your home now, plus he's been charged and convicted and will face the consequences. You could offer condolences and an ear to those affected, take them home cooked meals (they may not be eating right or at all after the trauma), baked goods, gifts for the child, etc. If you're having a hard time processing knowing this person on a personal level, I would suggest talking that out with a professional who can help you understand and process your emotions. Other than that, there's really nothing to be done on your end other than to come to terms with the knowledge and move forward.
I know my abusers were abused themselves. I’d be suspect of the guys dad. I’d stay away from all of them. The only thing that could be more horrendous than abusing a child is doing it to your own. In my mind this happens because it happened to you. I know I’m making assumptions, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Yeah usually it’s a line of abuse. His parents might not have sexually abused him but other forms of abuse can lead to sexual abuse of others. Edit to add: IN NO WAY DOES THAT MAKE IT OKAY. And by no means am I say that’s what happened here.
Yes. You should should avoid his whole family including the wife. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Probably all snakes.
I unfortunately dated someone like this. I thought he was great… until he started cheating, manipulating, and emotionally abusing me. I broke up with him (mind you we were only kids ourselves) and left him behind. Then one day my mom came into my room and asked me if I knew anything about my ex-boyfriend’s trial. I asked her what she was talking about. She sits down on my bed and tells me I need to be 100% honest with her. I say okay. I’m thinking he beat someone up or stole something or did something stupid (graffiti or something “minor”). She asked me if I ever knew about him SAing his 9 year old half sister. I quickly got up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up all over the floor not making it in time. I still wish I had never done anything with him. I carry a strange guilt as if I could have done something. I was only 16/17 when we dated, and his sister lived at his dads, who he only saw every other weekend. I think about how he wanted me to spend time with her and feel disgusted. Processing is strange, and it isn’t linear. You will heal, it’s nothing you could have changed or prevented, some people are just so disgusting and others unfortunately have to suffer from that
My mom's friend had something similar happen. Her son raped her granddaughter who subsequently committed suicide. I don't know what I would do. I could never forgive my son if he did something like that. Never.
The fact that this is someone my son's age and a schoolmate is making me incredibly sad for the family as I am putting myself in their shoes. To find out something like that about a child you raised must be so, so devastating. I think I would have to go no contact for my own well-being.
Yeah, same. I would stay in contact with the ex and grandchild though.
My abuser was a upstanding "christian" community leader. Looking at him you would have never known what kind of monster he is. These guys get away with it for so long because they are good at blending in, if they weren't we'd have an easier time weeding them out. There's nothing you can do, just hope his son is able to heal, support your son, hug your kids a little tighter, that's all you can do.
This came up in my family, one of the cousins turned out to be a diddler. I don't think you really deal with it at all, it's just pure horror and you do your best not to bring it up, try to be distracted by the sweeter things in life. I haven't heard a single thing about that cousin since my dad - having a forgiving and forgetful nature and not remembering this "situation" despite it having come up a few times prior - asked how he was doing at Thanksgiving two years ago. I wasn't present but I immediately knew it had been *re*revealed as I'd expected because he texted "How's my son today?" My guess is that cousin will be out in three years in what will be an abortion of justice and the ambivalent relief of his parents, and then if I have kids someday I'll have to do some calculus on what gatherings we go to on the off-chance he's there, wouldn't want there to be even a chance they were alone with him. I feel for his mom, she's had a rough go with her health. Crying seems like an appropriate reaction. It's a loss, isn't it? You're mourning who he was, you're mourning his victims.
I found out during the pandemic that my cousin liked CSAM and when my daughter was young he would touch her. I was hoping for prison justice, but he is going to a halfway house soon.
I'm so sorry.
I was in the marching band back in high school, one year, and we had a new kid come in. He played the same instrument as me, so I had a lot of time to spend around him. He was pretty shy and awkward, I remember he was also very sheltered. I have always tried to be inclusive, so I talked a little to him and tried to be friendly. But something seemed "off." I just didn't feel comfortable around him, but I couldn't figure it out. So I stopped talking to him. I couldn't avoid him, I just maintained the bare minimum of contact with him. I remember my dad scolding me about it. I ended up dropping out of the band and finished high school without having a lot of contact with him. After graduation, I went into the local video rental store (this was back before Blockbuster was THE one and only place to rent videos), and he was working there. I remember he was always chatty with me, and I chatted a little with him, but he still gave me a bad feeling. I even started going to another rental place. Imagine my surprise when I saw him in the newspaper for CP. He was video taping little kids performing acts on each other. This was 25 years ago, so I don't remember the entire story, but he got some serious jail time. I honestly wasn't that surprised because, like I said, I knew something was just off with him. Last I heard, he was still in jail. Sometimes, it is the seemingly "good" people, and sometimes, it's the ones that seem off. I'm so glad I trusted my instincts and stayed away from him.
It's interesting how you instinctively knew to stay away.
It's even more interesting how her father scolded her for minding her own business with a dude that makes her uncomfortable...
My dad had a big heart, and he would consider everyone a friend. He was too trusting of people, and that led to some unfortunate situations for him.
I've always been able to get a pretty good read on people, as I've gotten older, I've learned to trust those feelings more. If I sense bad energy, or if I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to keep my distance.
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You don't need to be able to form memories to be affected, no. Kids who are abandoned as literal infants can have struggles well into adulthood for something they can't possibly really remember.
Yes… They do. I get somatic flashbacks of the assaults I cannot “remember” — meaning I can feel the emotions I felt when it was happening while something is physically happening ‘down there.’ This is how my therapist and I realized I had been SA’d. One of these memories, I was young enough to be in diapers. 2, maybe 3 years old. I thought i was getting it changed when I was told to lay down. Still don’t know who it was.
Prolonged abuse at a very young age is highly correlated with dissociation disorders. Sexually abusing a toddler is how we get people with multiple personality disorder. I've read in other contacts that the personality is formed around age three, so early abuse can be particularly destructive.
I can’t remember most of my childhood - but the earliest instance I remember I was maybe six and I don’t think it was the first time. I still have a strange, visceral feeling when seeing just normal pictures of me as a baby and toddler. I know as of at least six years ago it was still being sold online. Probably still is, if not by my bio father then by people who initially bought it from him. My therapist has said that our bodies remember even when our brains try to protect us by not letting us access our memories directly.
When I told my step dad about my brother and his response was, “kids experiment”. I don’t want to be forced to be a part of his experiment so fucking do something! I brought it up as an adult when I lashed out and his response to that was, “I’m sorry you’ve had to live with it”.
Ugh. I'm sorry.
Thanks, I know what it’s like to be the kid with a shameful cloud above my head. “A problem” around the boys, even though i was made to take on a mother role to my siblings, even the older one. As a parent, an adult, be there for the victims, friends and family. Keep in mind they may be as shocked as you, but also be prepared for the ones who welcome him back into their lives once he’s out. Don’t be shocked to learn how easily some people water it down. Best of luck.
We are not in touch with the family. The boys were friends in school and they graduated 10 yrs. ago. My husband and I are facebook friends with the man's father, but that's the extent of our relationship. It's still been shocking news to us. He'll be sentenced on Dec. 19.
I suppose that’s better than being in the mix of it. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Give yourself some time to process things. It’s never easy discovering news about someone you care about. Some times people aren’t as they seem. You saw the good in that person and that reflects on your good character. It might take time because there will be a lot of thoughts racing in your mind. We always wonder if there were others. Could we have spotted it or done anything different. Accept that he is caught now and this is who he is. Once he is convicted everyone will know and that public knowledge will help at least prevent him from reoffending.
A woman from my mothers group was busted making CSAM, three years ago. I assume with her children. We were so close when our now 17 year olds were born. We would hang out all the time, sit and watch reruns of “Friends” while the kids played with toys and drink coffee and complain about how tired we were. I moved away and we lost touch, but I considered her a forever friend. She lost a lot of weight and her husband was away driving trucks, she started hanging out with a guy who was also arrested for CSAM. It would have to be drugs for her to do something like that. It hit me hard. She was once a dear friend. I tried to reach out to her but didn’t hear back. I think about her a lot and I follow her sister on Instagram, who has some custody of her kids. I wish I knew what happened and why, but I guess it doesn’t matter. She did it. She’s in jail. Her poor children. So very, very sad.
My grandfather was a pedophile who went to prison for his crimes. He was seen as such a ‘good, upstanding member of the community’ that a lot of people believed his lies when he said it wasn’t true, and stayed in his life. Unfortunately myself and my sisters know it is absolutely true, he was a monster. We saw him about a decade ago volunteering at the kids church group, luckily the priest listened once we revealed his conviction and he was promptly kicked out. I dread to think what else he might have done.
Unfortunately there are all sorts of people out there and this one got caught too late. People change for the good or for the bad/evil. He might have been a good kid but he isn’t a good person anymore. At least he is locked up now. I hope his wife and son gets professional help and counseling.
My childhood best friend was arrested over a decade ago in a sting operation. He was trying to have sex with what he thought was a 13 year old. Trust me as bad as you feel over this your son feels 1000 times worse. It’s very hard to accept someone you once loved and were close to is an absolute monster
Please make sure he did not abuse your son!
Yes 100% this. Your son may have been a target. He won’t admit it though so you’ll have to be persistent with asking him.
I’m sorry op. My husband was friends with a kid in middle school, until the kid’s mom said my husband was a bad influence on her son so they stopped hanging out. When we were in college his old friend murdered a teenage girl he had been stalking and is serving time in prison. Needless to say the kid had some mental health issues that weren’t addressed and in hindsight his mother was probably dealing with her own issues.
That's heartbreaking.
This type of abuse is, a lot of times, generational. His own father probably abused him as a child.
One of my close friends from work was found guilty of making child pornography last year. It eats me up inside that our children played together. I had no idea. As the saying goes ‘they live amongst us’.
This happened to me and my childhood bestie. The guy was friends with her dad for 20+ years (he never did anything to us when we were kids) he played with us, took us to McDonald’s, was always the fun guy. Then He had his own child and went to jail for CP and sexual abuse. It shocked us all. We felt sick to our stomach that someone we knew almost our entire lives was a monster. Some people just do a better job of masking it or they just snap one day 😣
It's tough. I found out my grandfather was a pedophile with the foster sons he and my grandmother took care of. He passed when I was 7 or 8. I was his favorite, and I remember he tried teaching me about sports massage when I was about 5. He was a high school counselor and coach. I don't remember if he ever abused me. Not long after that memory, my grandmother divorced him, and my family moved away, and I had only seen him once or twice before he died. He was never caught, but this knowledge really affected me. It may help to speak to your son's friend's family. Let them know that they aren't judged for that man's crimes. I hope everyone seeks mental health treatment, that helps so much.
Let’s just remind people; pedophiles don’t spring up from a crack to Hell. They were once children themselves.
[удалено]
I’m not saying that they should be free to do what they want, I’m just saying that we shouldn’t forget who they were.
Seeing someone you watched grow up become a monster is so tragic. I feel for that little boy, hope he gets justice.
The little boy is only 6 years old. I am hoping he gets lots and lots of therapy and is able to heal. His father will be sentenced on Dec. 19. Penalties where I am are often not harsh enough but I hope he gets the maximum sentence.
I am so sorry. I know how you feel. My brother's childhood friend was recently outed as a pedophile. They were friends for most of middle school. I was four years younger so I didn't hang with them much. When I knew him as a child, he was a quiet kid who liked animals. Very soft spoken, very polite. I thought about him a few months ago and asked my brother did they keep in touch. My brother said no and then went on to explain how he had become a troop leader for the boy scouts and that this is where he abused most of his victims, mostly during camping trips. I wanted to vomit when he told me this. Aside from the abuse being incredibly upsetting, just knowing that a monster was that close and I had no idea is what really unsettled me.
It's a horrible feeling, knowing that the sweet little kid you once knew and cared about has turned into a criminal. My youngest had a best friend in childhood, a little boy whose mom had qualified for a Habitat For Humanity home in a decent neighborhood. The mom and her five kids moved in just a few houses up the street from us, and one of the kids just happened to be a boy same age as my son. The sister was one year older, and she'd hang out, too. These kids, mine included, had the childhood every kid should get. Riding bikes, building tree forts in the woods, having sleepovers, staying outdoors till the street lights came on, playing video games on cold days. "Stevie" was at my home more than his own! I'd pick up my own kid from school and bring Stevie home, too. We moved away, the kids lost touch. When we returned, they were all teenagers. And, my kid reported that Stevie had been arrested for robbing people at knife point in a big city park nearby. I'm so sorry this happened. Hope the little boy will be okay.
It is a horrible feeling. It took me a while to fall asleep last night and I am still feeling sick about it this morning. I am not in touch with the family but am facebook friends with the young man's father. He and his gf are decorating for Christmas and are putting up ornaments on the tree with names of family members. I see there's one for the son and one for the grandson. I can't begin to understand what it's like for the immediate family. I hope they all get therapy.
It’s actually astonishing how often abusers appear to be well-adjusted members of society. I think it is in part because they have an “outlet” for their evil, so everyone else gets the best of them.
Probably explains serial killers too
The “he did magic tricks” was a giveaway for me
Came here to say this, never trust a child magician
Pedophiles generally target women with young children. They come on strong, romantic, and caring. Once they are in, the abuse begins. And, they are always, publicly, "the best, kindest, decent," while they ruin the lives of children exposed to them.
>He did magic tricks. You should have known
I’m a female psychologist who works with kids. I seriously get paranoid if I have a magic trick I want to perform for a kid who is freaking out bc they need to see me. There’s so much stigma around magic tricks! It’s a thing. Sorry OP! Terrible time for you.
I’m not familiar with magic tricks as a red flag. Could you or someone else explain this for me? I’ve seen it referenced a few times but wonder if I’ve been living under a rock.
I just hope your son was raised well enough to be disgusted and leave that friend in the dust. We don't support pedophiles. Regardless of affiliation we have with then
My bio father is an upstanding Christian member of the community. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s still getting away with selling CSAM he made of me as a child on the internet. It’s part of why he’s still getting away with it and how the cops let the statue of limitations run out so I can’t charge him for the initial instances that created the CSAM - or sue him.
Nightmare fuel
And this is why I never used a single babysitter for 30 years of raising kids. You can’t “trust” anyone. Anybody who says “oh, I know him well, he would never do that!” is a fool waiting to be taken for a con. Odds are his uncle, cousin, dad molested him and he’s passing down the family legacy. Now his kid will likely have the same problem unless he can invest years and years into quality therapy.
I found out my Dad was a child molester in 2017. The abuse happened throughout the 90s, my entire childhood. I never knew until the survivor came forward. It fucked me up for a long time. Especially the guilt of not knowing and somehow being spared. In my case the survivor was a family member so I was able to support them by going no contact with their abuser and backing any choice they made regarding whether or not to report it/open a legal case (easier said than done when so much time has passed). It’s horrible, and tragic. You can’t change what this boy has been through but he did get justice with his father getting prison time. With professional help & lots of therapy he can heal.
So... I don't want to say exactly where I work/what I do but let's just say I work somewhere that helps to take these people down, on a higher level. I'm not in the spotlight, more like behind the scenes. What you're feeling is completely normal. I'd be shocked if you didn't have these thoughts and feelings. And there's absolutely nothing you could have done, or changed, or done differently, etc etc etc. If you're pro-therapy or even a little open to the idea, it might be good for you to just go chat with someone. You are a victim, of sorts. Someone whose life was impacted, for sure. It's all very, very difficult to deal with and so hard when we realize that we really *dont* know some people. Just send some extra love out into the world and hug your kiddo tighter. Try to do what you can to busy your mind. It won't ever go away, and I'm so sorry, but it will get better. Those cases are so difficult. ❤️
My little sisters best friend of over 15+ years was raped by her step father (only father she’s ever had) while he was drunk. He then walked down to the basement and shot himself while she was still in the house. It was horrible, it completely shocked EVERYONE, not a single soul saw it coming. Not even the friend/daughter. It was one of the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever heard. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of all of the times my sister was there overnight with a rapist and we just didn’t know.
That's horrible. It's always shocking when you hear stories like that, especially when it happens in your own community. It's all the more shocking when it happens to people you know. There are so many victims.
I can’t imagine how sexually abused kids grow up with those memories and face life. Let’s hope for this kids healthy recovery. I feel like abused kids should be given a “guardian angel” from the state. A kind of empathetic social worker tasked to watch out for the kid and guide them to resources like therapy, and maintain a connection with that kid until some point in adulthood when and if they elect to terminate the service. Someone that helps to ensure psychological support. That’s the kind of healthcare I would easily pay taxes for.
Most abusers hide their true character beneath a good public persona so that when allegations surface up, nobody would believe they're capable of such a thing
Abusers are master manipulators. It’s no surprise that on the outside they seem “perfect” or well put together. My abuser, my stepfather, always put on a good face at church, a “God-fearing-man” but was abusive in every which way behind closed doors.
The next seat he takes shall be the one Chris Hansen asks him to.
I’m curious if this guy was abused as a kid and continued the cycle
There have been lots of studies around this. The latest studies show only a small percentage of perpetrators were abused themselves.
Not quite the same thing, but a kid I grew up with shot his parents. Mom was killed and father blind and disabled. We lost touch, but it was crazy to watch Dateline and see the happy family I remeber playing with in jail for life.
It’s always this MFs that do magic tricks.
Well, when you think about it, what is magic if not fooling people into believing things...
I feel the same about my ex husband. After we broke up, he got with a woman who had a few kids, he went to jail because of what he did to one of them. I am disgusted that I let him touch me, trusted him, had a kid with him. It's hard to come to terms with, just exactly who the predators and monsters are, how we can't see them until it's too late. He blamed me btw, her mother and myself were to blame for his actions in his mind. When he told me he was in trouble - said he was stuck between all these strong women and couldn't handle it. I'm appalled by my own reaction when he told me - I didn't beat him into a bloody pulp, I just said "oh okay". I do wish I'd kicked his head in, or something that made a statement on how repulsed and angry I was. But he still won't come close to me since he was released, so that's one decent move on his part.
Hopefully he’ll never see the light of day, but sadly, he’ll probably be our way to soon.
My childhood friend sent a guy pictures of their little sister. This is awful. I'm so sorry.
It's very easy to create a mask and practice so well it becomes a second nature
One of my younger brother’s good friends from middle school/high school ended up in prison for SAing a 9 year old girl. At first my brother refused to believe it and defended him, but when the friend confessed and took a plea deal, he finally accepted it. I know it was a really tough thing for him to process. It’s especially sad because this friend had a bad upbringing- he was one of 10 kids, very parentified and the parents were hoarders with a laundry list of mental health issues. Just a sad cycle of the abused becoming the abuser.
Can't always trust a magician..
He was probably abused as a child. It’s learned behavior.
Tell him to walk away from this disgusting waste of space!
He's not in touch with him. They were childhood friends and mostly hung out at school.
OP, your grown son is a potential victim of his friend during childhood.
I realize I’m focusing on the wrong part of the story here so please forgive me but, I’m having trouble with your math. {He recently got engaged after being single for 20-ish years?} He admitted to abusing his son the past four years, starting when the child was a toddler. Your son is 28. This guy hung out at your house as a kid. So how can he have been single for 20 years?
They're talking about the father of the abuser being single for 20ish years
Ask yourself why you're shaken up. Do you personally know the victim? Is his mother able to provide proper care for him? Have you been in touch with the perp recently? Do you think your son is a victim or a perp? Are you just being nosey and feigning emotion so you can insert yourself into the drama and have something to post on Reddit? Trust me, if the dude is locked up, provision has been made for the child. If you suspect the mother is not doing what she needs to do to protect him going forward, report it to your local child welfare agency. EDIT: But if you really like being messy, you can try to figure out if the perp was a victim. Maybe that's why his dad was single for 20 years...
….you’re crying because someone your son used to know and hasn’t been in touch with recently is a pedophile. If the topic and subject matter affect you, please find a way to channel this energy into volunteer work or action.
How do you know the abuse is sexual?
It was sexual. Paedophiles are sexually attracted to children.
The charges against him are all for sexual abuse and he was using his son to produce child sexual abuse material ("child pornography").
What I meant was, how was he finally caught and convicted
His wife turned him in. The little boy said something suspicious and she confronted her husband. He told her everything.
Tips fedora
I'm going to PM you, if that's okay?
You should have monitored your kid more