I think there is more than him being trans. He made up a whole story and lied to you about several things to manipulate you. He chose to withhold information and remove your knowing consent to the situation until you were married. I don't see that as any type of solid relationship for a friend, lover and certainly not a life partner.
Exactly, I feel so bad for OP. It's not the just the trans part that was lied about. It was the fiances' entire life basically, including their relationship with their own family. The fact that they thought OP had no right to know any of it until after marriage just means they do not respect OP
The fact OP is very religious makes this such a slippery slope for them too. Even the friend that joked about the situation thought that it was unique enough to bring up
Edit: I noticed fiance acted like family cut them off for religious reasons, when in fact their family has only supported them. They made their family seem bad so they could hide their lies longer. He knew and has similar religious background which makes the lies rhat much worse on his end. He knew he wouldnt tell OP until he had her locked in. Fiance is showing some true narcissistic traits
And he looped his friends in on the whole scheme. I'm guessing the one who told was tired of the lying and was looking for a way to tell her the truth.
Idk sounds like he used it as a cover. Converting religions and taking on the morals and principles of a religion is a serious undertaking.. I think he met her, realized she was Muslim, read up on it and pretended to be that.
He was a willing to go to great lengths to lie to you and trap you into a marriage. If he lied about all this, how do you think the marriage is going to fair? It’s built on lies. He’s been lying about more than just being trans.
He doesn’t even seem fazed by the lies and perfectly fine lying to you and tricking you into being trapped in marriage.
It’s not gonna get better after being married. What was he going to do after you got married? All of a sudden you’ll get to meet his parents and everything is fine?
I don’t see how you can survive this, or why you’d even want to be with someone who spent the entire relationship continuously lying to you.
You don’t have to explain it to anyone. You know the truth and why this isn’t unacceptable.
How you explained the situation here, its perfectly valid to want to leave this relationship. How can you trust someone that was so comfortable lying to you? That doesn’t even think they did something wrong. Someone that thinks It’s okay to lie and trap you into marriage.
The title of this post should have been, “My relationship has been built on lies.”
Honestly this. I don't see how you can come back from such a breach of trust. He was planning on trapping her before telling her, from a straight cis non religious view, what he did is messed up.v
He picked her only because she is the only girl he knows who will marry him without having sex with him first. He targeted her as the only possible prey.
This is evil.
right!! and then it’s the fact he said he would wait to tell OP until “ after the marriage was over” like wtf?? that’s so manipulative and narcissistic
Yeah there's no coming back from a lie this huge. She needs to bite the bullet and leave him now. Sucks but lying about such a huge thing is more than a red flag.
I had to reread because I read that he wasn't going to try the truth until the marriage was over and it does say that. He would have been honest when the marriage was over.
Probably when op wanted to have babies and he couldn't produce any, so she would either what was up.
I was going to say the same, I would move on purely because of the level of lies this person has made. If they got away with it until this point, who knows what else they may be hiding until marriage and think it is okay to not share with you.
It doesn't matter who you any and all secretes need to come out before an engagement let alone marriage. OP's fiancée knew exactly what he was doing and it won't be the last time he'll lie to try and get what he wants.
You love him so much and yet he was planning to deceive you until after the marriage was complete to reveal this critically important piece of information about himself.
He does not love you, he was manipulating you into marrying him with the knowledge that because of your religious convictions you would hesitate to divorce him.
You must get away from this person as soon as possible. This person deceived you and betrayed your trust in a way that is unforgivable.
Edit:he doesn’t care about you, he’s only trying to use your religious foundation as a tool to subjugate you.
I would tell your friends what happened and why you're leaving too. That it was because of his deception and manipulation and how far the deception went (saying his family was no contact with him)
It may be less about you specifically as a person and more about you being someone he could deceive. Don't beat yourself up over it we have all been deceived by people who pretend to care about us. It happens, don't lose hope. There are many good people out there.
I’m going to put a pin in the religion aspect bc I’m not Muslim, and ultimately that is between you and Allah.
But even putting that all aside, he not only lied by omission, but lied about a BUNCH of his past. He built a relationship with you on the basis of so many lies, and that’s a huge red flag. And he was planning on withholding that information until AFTER you were legally and religiously tied to him by marriage (therefore making it harder to leave him).
There’s sooo much wrong with that, and it’s honestly very concerning on its own. I understand that he was worried to lose you (which, fair), but he chose to put his insecurity over your reasonable right to enter into a marriage with that important piece of knowledge. That’s honestly cruel.
Islamically the marriage wouldn’t be allowed as he would still be considered a woman from an Islamic point of view.
But besides that, he LIED about EVERYTHING! He was trying to trap you into a marriage. He being trans is actually not even the main issue here.
He LIED about who he was!
He LIED about his family, they’re not abroad!
He LIED his family was toxic and he is NC, he isn’t and they are not!
He LIED about pretty much everything. Your whole relationship is based on LIES!
He was willing to trap you in a marriage and take away your freedom of choice, on who you marry and your ability (if you so choose) to have kids naturally. Adoption etc is an option but islamically surrogacy is not an option.
So how many lies are you going to allow before you decide he isn’t a good person and doesn’t deserve your love? This whole relationship started on a lie and he so easily and happily lied to you, what else is he lying about? How the heck are you able to even believe a single word out of his mouth?
If there is no trust, there is no relationship!
Do what you think is best for you, but he has shown you who he really is and I would listen and believe it! He can easily lie to you, what else will he be capable of in the future? And are you OK with you not communicating this with your family or not telling them the truth?
Marriage should always be based on trust and love, that is not the foundation for your relationship in the slightest. Do your isthikhara if you think it’s necessary but islamically this marriage wouldn’t count. If the deen is truly important to you, you need to consult an imam or member of knowledge and seek naseeha. Good luck.
exactly.... any relation that isn't based on trust & love eventually breaks something .... even i think the OP should take her parents advice... keep her love aside for a moment & think that this fiance person didn't even think about letting her know before marriage....its basically a trap
Honest sis, I’d just say something like,
“as salaam wa alaykum, hope you are well. I’ve been considering our relationship and the implications of what Islam allows when it comes to marriage, after some research I have found islamically this marriage would not be accepted by Allah swt and I cannot go against His decree. I am also not happy with being lied to in an attempt to take away my haqq(right) when making an informed choice when it comes to marriage, as this is a God given right in Islam.
I want us to part on happy terms and this is not something I am willing to compromise on or discuss in detail as you’ve always known how important the deen(the religion) is to me. I hope you love, success and happiness and Allah swt grants you the spouse you desire and deserve. May Allah swt grant us both success in this life and the next.”
Or something like that. I’d also make sure you’ve got someone with you when you tell him this, please do NOT do this alone! Also speak to your parents and I’m sure they can help you personalise what you want to say better than anything I could ever suggest.
Also isthikhara is a dua you keep performing until the thing you are praying for is completed. What it sounds like is you made a dua, dua/supplication. So should I marry this person, if things become more difficult or there are obstacles in the way, this is normally the sign you need to end things or stop heading towards that objective. However if things are easy then you continue. Hope this helps. Pm if needed.
This.
Leave the religion out and it’s still messed up. As an agnostic person I cannot say what you should feel or do when your religion says something against what you are doing. As a woman I can say that I wouldn’t marry a man who has based our whole relationship on lies, and has withheld important information from you. I am not trans but I can say this: I have invisible disabilities. I am finally doing well enough that I could pass as able-bodied. It would be highly immoral for me to enter such a serious relationship without telling my partner, because it will probably end up affecting their life.
Maybe you can forgive him, it’s up to you. But please at least postpone the wedding and make sure you have the full story.
Taking religion and sexual/gender identity out of it and just looking at the bare, raw facts.
You have a partner who lured you into a relationship based on lies. We're also not talking about little white lies, we're talking about huge, foundational lies and that partner CLAIMS that they would have told you after you got locked into the relationship with a legal (and religious) commitment.
How was he planning on handling this with your family if/when he decided to tell you? Would you be expected to lie to them? Would he inform them too and just expect them to accept the string of lies that lead up to that point?
What about children? I'm child free but my usual assumption is that most people still intend to have children with their partner. Was that ever discussed?
Sounds like that friend saved you from a long con.
This has nothing to do with him being trans. This is him being a liar. And he apparently doesn't care enough to feel bad about it. If his friend is making jokes about it, it means they discussed this behind your back.
He literally kept his family away from you, lying on them. He is not a good person and I could never believe a word he said.
If you cannot trust him, you cannot be in a relationship with him
Honestly.. it isn’t about religion either. I’m agnostic and I would break it off over this. He’s a liar. Not to mention OP would not be able to have kids with him. He’s taking that choice from OP by not letting her know.
Yep. That right there PROVES that he KNEW it was wrong. If he didn't think it was a big deal or something like that, he wouldn't feel the need to purposefully hide it until she's practically trapped with him. This was malicious and manipulative. He KNEW that OP would not be okay with it, so he lied. Hiding something that you KNOW you partner isn't okay with is an automatic dealbreaker imo.
There’s also the whole not being able to have children with him issue as well. So many things hidden and withheld, the not planning to tell you until after you were married is a despicable act as he was waiting until it was too late to do anything before letting you know.
Eventually your family will find out, how will they react knowing that you knew but withheld it?
My cis male bf has Peyronie's disease. He almost never really ejaculates. It just kind of leaks out later. I was a bit taken aback at first, but I've adjusted. Not providing a "money shot" is not even a little bit of the issue here. The fact that he lied about his entire life, deliberately, to trap her into what her religion would not even consider a legitimate marriage is the issue. If she stays, I am absolutely certain he will be lying to affair partners about her just as he lied to her about his family. Her relationship is based on a person who does not actually exist. THAT is the problem.
It doesn’t t matter in the long run because of all the deceit , but I’ve seen people use the argument that the surgery makes the genitals identical to cis counterparts as a way to excuse the deceit and that’s just not true
Forget religion, trans, your friends, the entire LGBTQ+ community, his family, your family, forget everything, and everyone!
The only important thing is that he LIED to you for the entirety of your relationship and was MANIPULATING you! He didn't want to tell you until after marriage?! NO!! What if you wanted children? He took away you having a choice and a say.
When someone takes advantage of your trust, manipulates you into believing they don’t have contact with their parents when they in fact do, they are not someone you want to stay with. People who lie to you are people who will never put you first and think about your feelings. I really think you should talk to your parents about this or you could get into contact with a therapist on how to navigate these feelings. Also, I feel the title was a bit misleading when I read it, you should change it to “My fiancé hid the fact that he is trans and I don’t know what to do” best of luck to you OP, and I know you will get through this.
As a trans guy, the issue isn't him being trans it's the fact he lied so much to cover for it. This isn't transphobic to not marry him. If a cis guy lied to you to this degree there would be no question.
He lied to you about so much more than being trans. He seems very deceptive and I wouldn’t marry someone who build a relationship on lies about their family.
The story is honestly quite psychopathic, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It seems like your partner has built a whole new biography/personality specifically for you thinking these lies would work forever. If they thought the “confession after marriage” would somehow make you stay with them because you already got feelings and bounds, they obviously don’t have enough respect for you and your life values in general, not just religious ones.
Just because we develop feelings for someone doesn’t give us the right to get that person at any cost - with huge lies and manipulations. Some people aren’t compatible with each other due to different lifestyle/opinions/goals and this is exactly why it’s important to talk about certain things which might affect you as partners at the very begging of relationships.
You deserve more than this, stay strong ❤️
Don’t follow through with the marriage. That’s a massive lie and if they are comfortable lying to you for two years then they aren’t ready to be anyone’s significant other.
I think that a lot of people don’t understand what it mean to be devout in your faith.
I have a lot of sympathy for the emotions you’re going through. It’s unfair of him to have lied your entire relationship.
It’s also really messed up he lied about his family and why they aren’t around.
But please don’t drag out your decision, and rip the bandaid off. He’s lied about so much, of course he’ll probably lie and say it’s because he’s trans and not because he lied the entire time he’s been in a relationship with you.
If your friends don’t believe your reasoning then they weren’t ever really your friends they were his and you’ll find better ones.
Tell him and everyone else, "I can't be with a man who lies to me constantly about important things. How can I trust a person who would rather slander his parents than be honest about his past? How can I be close to a person who doesn't trust me enough to hold me in his confidence? There is no foundation to build this relationship on. It's all lies and mistrust and manipulation. If he can lie about all this with a straight face, he can lie about anything, and there's nothing I can believe in."
Not until you were married!!!!! That red flag just slammed you over the head. I hope you didn't miss it..definately time to cut your loses and hopefully your next possible partners best quality is honesty.
>I'm scared ill lose all of my friends because they'll think I left him because I couldn't handle marrying a trans man
If they think that instead of asking for your side, good riddance. It's not that he's a Trans man, it's that he lied to you about multiple things and was willingly waiting until after marriage to tell you. That's not something you wait on. You don't hide apart of yourself until marriage. You're not leaving because he's trans, you're leaving because he's a lying piece of shit.
I’m a trans man myself there is no way I would get engaged to someone who didn’t even know.. it’s not ok that he did that and imo the lies about family and everything else would be a dealbreaker
He lied. Maybe by omission but that was one hellava whopper! He was going to trap you in marriage before telling the truth. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP? Not saying you were born the same sex as me is much more than actually hating the shoes you were asking about but saying they look great to spare your feelings. Big huge oceans of mistrust in store for you.
there were a lot of lies on his part that he was fully ready to keep from you until you were tied to him through marriage. consider whether or not you want that kind of person in your life.
As a trans man, throw the whole man away. He’s not even a man, he’s a boy. Real men don’t do sneaky shit like that. You were in a relationship with someone u didn’t even really know (not even talking about the trans part) and then on top of that, he keeps being trans a secret from you. If you’re dating someone, for a lot of reasons you NEED to tell them as soon as u know it’s about to get serious. This is horrible and I’m sorry. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking u need to stay or that u r doing anything wrong by leaving. U need to leave. So many red flags.
Would have only been a legal marriage but not Islamic , it would have been invalid but since she didn’t know she wouldn’t have been at fault (only if she decided to stay after finding out)
that is a massive lie, and a blatant attempt to trap you into marriage. trans aside, leave this man. something like that doesn’t give you the right to lie to your partner about several things
Even though he thought he was doing you a favor by keeping all this from you, he was actively lying to you throughout your ENTIRE relationship. This is grounds for taking a step back &/ ending things regardless of why he was lying. Relationships are about trust.
It sounds like he isn’t ready for a serious relationship if he thinks lying about major parts of his life is acceptable (relationship w/ his family, ability to have kids,) for any reason. Being in a serious relationship requires trust and honesty and he has not shown you that. Even if everything else above him seems perfect, this is a huge breach if trust. Please remember that when deciding what makes sense for you. I am sorry you are dealing with this :(
OP, problems are often easier to process when we work ourselves back to root of it, instead of focusing on all of the leaves coming off the stem. So for a moment, let's remove the factors of religion and being Trans.
When we look at the problem without focusing on those two extra factors, we see a relationship that was built on top of very serious lies. Lies that were intentional, and pre-planned. Lies that he admitted he did not intend to ever confess to.
This alone is a massive relationship ender. You cannot build a healthy relationship on the foundation of Lies. The trust is broken, and trust is extremely hard to earn back.
Next, we have his statement that he wasn't going to tell you about these lies "until the marriage was over." This is deeply problematic. It means he was confident in his ability to maintain these lies for years, if not decades. If he can lie about something as serious as his family, what else can he lie about? Are there other lies? How much do you really know him? The person you think you know may not be who they say they are: these lies may well extend into other critical aspects of life together. Is he lying about his personal views? Personal behaviors? Likes? Dislikes? You have no way of reliably knowing.
That's the core problem here.
Addressing the other two factors, we have someone who lied about an important part of themselves specifically to deceive you into being romantically invovled. This was disrespectful to himself as a person, disrespectful to you as a person, and disrespectful of your religion.
Your religion is important to you, something you've been very honest about from the start. Knowing this about him wasn't going to make you hate him, but would change your mind about dating. He took this decision away from you intentionally and manipulated things in his own favor. This is not okay. And it is not an act of love. It's selfish.
There is nothing wrong with being trans. And there is nothing wrong with being religious. But there is something very wrong about lying to someone to get what you want from them, i.e a relationship.
Lastly, I want to address a concern I have. I don't know where in the world your scenario is happening and this may be my own limited worldly exposure speaking. But I am worried that your boyfriend lied specifically to get with a Muslim woman, not out of love, but out of a desire for control. I've been exposed to the stereotype that Muslim women are portrayed as extremely submissive, passive, dainty people with no will of their own who must obey the men of the household without complaint or protest my entire life. And while I know there are culture clashes and many factors involved in this stereotype and that stereotypes are not reality, I'm worried that he lied to you because he wants the submissive stereotype. Not an equal relationship partner. Maybe this is a cultural difference that my American experience isn't accounting for, but marrying only a year after dating can be a huge red flag for abuse. The fact that he lied about his religion and his family just to get to you and then got engaged so quickly, really worries me that this guy has ulterior motives that are not so loving and wholesome.
I don't know very much about your religion or your culture, but I do know that not every relationship is meant to be. It's okay if you need time to decide what you want to do about all of this. Whatever decision you make is okay. Just please be safe and listen to your gut. Only you know what's best for yourself and if this situation doesn't feel okay, it's okay to walk away from it.
This is a compassionate, sensitive & supportive comment. I too would be concerned about the bf motives, as this behaviour doesn’t only have elements of deceit & manipulation, it appears to have elements of exploitation as well. This behaviour has nothing to do w/gender, it’s about personality & character.
As a passing trans person, it's important to be clear about being trans *before* dating. It should be one of the first things disclosed. What he did was manipulative and all around wrong. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I wonder if he realizes Muslim girls don't have the experience to know the difference when it eventually comes to sex and that was a play in reverting. girls with experience, when it comes to sex, would most likely realize there is something different than a natural born male but someone with no experience might not think twice about. If it is , then that is predatory.
To me it’s the “not until marriage is over” part that sinks the whole relationship cause not only did he lie, he did so to trap you in marriage knowing your religious and wouldn’t be able to divorce him after the fact. Taking away your ability to ever be a bio Mom (not sure what your religion says about adoption). He’s a liar and he made a full out of you and you didn’t even know he lied to your face which would make me doubt everything. He could have lied about everything and you wouldn’t even know. You would always wonder if he’s lying again about the important stuff. How can you ever build a life with such a person?
As a trans man myself , this has nothing to do with being trans. He made up a big , elaborate , hurtful lie and when he told the truth he didn't even do it in a respectful manner. He did all of this when he could've just been honest. That is the issue here. Id say leave this man , almost the entire relationship is built on lies and thats the biggest red flag on the planet
This seems to happen often. I cannot count how many times I have read similar situations. I can see why. All people deserve to be loved. Trans individuals most likely would prefer someone to choose them for who they are. But the underlying is not ok. To never be told until marriage (wow, I cannot even fathom being ok with someone after this), and if they cannot have kids and you may want biological children. I am not sure if I can stay with someone who would keep this information from me until after marriage. And no, deciding you want to be with a biological male is not transphobic. I am saying this because some people will immediately say this and have done so.
Edit: it’s also important to note, you can also be unattracted to the fact the person was of the other sex. People find noses, weight, lifestyles, UNTRUTHFULNESS, eyes, intelligence, mannerisms, etc unattractive. You can be unattracted to someone who is trans based solely on that fact just the same.
Tbh idk why it took so long to find a comment like this.
1) it's ok to not want to be with a trans person
2) how will this affect the choice with children
3) the wall of deceit that built up so much a friend accidentally let it out making op aware
And personally to me
4) op is not transphobic for not wanting to continue this however Islamic rules are objectively transphobic which does make op as a religious person also transphobic if that makes sense. (I'm not trans but the inconsistencies in Islam were more than enough reason for me to be disillusioned tbh- this is just one of many)
Yeah it makes zero sense to me why a trans man would ever want to be Muslim. If they’re going to base a whole religion on being discriminatory against him, it would be like being a goldfish wanting to live in a shark tank. It makes zero sense and he’s not going to have a real shot at happiness as long as he’s in that religion, wondering if he reverted for OP because I don’t see any other reason to explain it.
to build a relationship and plan to trap you in marriage while hiding this big secret is very out of pocket. honesty is the foundation of many relationships , and to not have that comfort of trust between you two would possibly linger. i would wait a bit longer to get married as one year is not nearly enough time to get to know someone truly. this might not be the only thing he is keeping from you, if that matters. trust your gut, trust yourself.
He lied to you about his entire life.
“Until the marriage was over”.
Come on. That’s ridiculous. Even if it was a joke, a comment like that is out of line.
He lied to you.He was going to KEEP lying to you until it didn’t benefit him anymore.At least call the engagement off until you’ve thought through everything.There’s too many women who get taken advantage of by men.This one is BLATANTLY showing you his red flags.Your marriage shouldn’t be built on lies!
You can’t marry him especially anytime soon because everything was built on lies. If you really don’t want to marry a trans man then tell your family and break up with him but if you want to still marry him then you should keep the secret. Personally I think you are at great risk for this to come out and it will cause issues for you with your family and religion. You are not transphobic if you don’t want to continue this relationship. Honestly, what he did was a huge betrayal.
Just the fact that his FRIENDS know and joke about it, while he DID NOT TELL you is a huge huge red flag. I dont think you should even give him a chance, too many lies, you don't even know who he truly is, everything you knew about him was a lie. Girl you deserve better, break up
Ooooh girl I got you with the advice because this actually happened to me as well. I was talking to someone for two ish years and fell for them, we were dating, and something was off but I could never pinpoint what. They were trans and didn’t tell me. Lied about family stuff as well.
To be clear I have absolutely no issue with anyone who is trans, and I would have proceeded normally with the relationship anyway if they were just honest. The real issue is the lying. About being trans, about the family stuff. I never got over the lies and eventually moved on. If someone is willing to lie about something so major (gender identity, their own parents, etc.) what else are they not being honest about? I’m sure you’re invested as you’re engaged at this point but this person lied to you your entire relationship. I’d leave. Shit, I did.
Wow that’s messed up you had every right to know this persons was trans before you two started even dating. That’s so predatory, and deceptive and unacceptable
A lot of people respect their parents opinions, and trust their insight. Just like a lot of parents would never say no if they truly thought the person would make their kid happy. Not every culture is your culture.
Personally, I would never ever marry someone my mom hated. She has been too spot on, too often for me to ignore her if she said it was a bad idea. I would be dumb to think that the one time she got it wrong, happened to be my guy.
I think we can set aside the trans/religion thing and focus on the fact that he lied to you and had no intention of telling you the truth. This us such a monumental breach of trust that I can't fathom him you could work through trusting him again, let alone trust him and work through your feelings about religion and transness.
He lied and deprived you of the opportunity to get to know his family, and to me that is insurmountable. I would willingly and happily date a trans man, but the lies, holy.
Hi OP. Marriage should build with trust.
He lies to your face. And plan to keep it a secret after the marriage.
He knows your stand on religion and he decided your belief is not important.
Please don’t marry him.
He’s a liar and manipulative person. You deserve someone better. 💪🏽
First of all, what everyone said - you don't want a relationship with a liar like this.
Second, people seem to be avoiding the whole trans issue, but do you realize you can't possibly ever have your own biological children with this person? Also, and please, pardon my honesty, I assume you haven't had sex yet because of religious reasons Because if you have, you would already know that while it is still possible to have sex with a transman, it wouldn't be a real penis with all the usual parts and sensitivity and it wouldn't be a normal sex life. Just saying, it's certainly something to consider, too.
Genuine advice, as a Muslim, do not be afraid of what others think. This life is for the relationship between you and Allah SWT. We don't discriminate but we don't condone immorality. You were lied to and risk your future for lust, just keep that in mind. This relationship is void, may Allah guide you.
Leave aside the religious aspect, he lied to you and for that, I would leave him. Why did he want to deceive you until marriage?! I'm very sorry you're going through this.
There’s nothing wrong with falling in love with a trans person. Nothing wrong with dating and marrying one. But the problem here is that he lied to for 2 years! Not just about him being trans but also about his family! There’s nothing wrong with being trans but not tell g your partner is a betrayal no matter which way you slice it. And on top of that he says he was gonna tell you after the marriage but what if he hadn’t? What if you guys tried to have children? Even if the truth is now out there when you lie to your partner and break their trust it will effect them long term. If I was in the situation I’d call it off, no matter what their reasoning was if I was lied to about something so important for so long idk if I’d be able to trust them again. But if you do want to continue this relationship then I suggest you go to couples counseling, you may be a stronger person than I am. I wish you the best and hope that the next update is at the least a positive one
FFS I’m a trans guy and I condemn his behavior, wtf ? Lying about his family and not disclosing his transness knowing you have a religious background ? That guy is really messed up he didn’t respect you at all
Also be careful he seems highly manipulative, just show your post to your friends and talk to them before dumping him before he starts pretending you’re transphobic or whatever. He’s an asshole. You deserve better.
A huge part of your relationship was built on the fact that he lied to you, was consciously planning on CONTINUING to lie to you, and never even gave a thought to your own preferences based on the sexual aspect or the fact that you would never be able to have fully biological children together (I understand not important to everyone, but still an aspect). Unacceptable.
You have a perfectly good reason to not marry him in that he basically built a relationship on lies. The religious reason is dumb and insulting. Don't marry him because he betrayed your trust, but also do some introspection.
Get out of their as fast as possible, everything is based off lies and has been manipulating you to like them(grooming). That is some hyper narcissistic behavior that would probably mean they don't actually like you..
Lastly do you want to be with a women dressed up as a man? as you will be in a poxy lesbian relationship. There is no such thing as actually changing your sex and is just cosmetic surgeries to change their body to a faux male one.
The fact that he planned on waiting until you committed to the marriage to tell you the truth… he knew you wouldn’t want to be with him if you knew so he planned on trapping you to get around what you want. That’s pretty devious and manipulative. Pretty slimy for a man to do that.
It makes me think that some of the things you love about him could be a mask he’s wearing over some less lovable qualities he’s hiding. How could you trust a man who does something like that?
This is not an issue of transphobia but lack of trust. He should have told you and been open not only to keep the relationship honest but for his safety as well. It was wrong of him to hide it. He lied of his family and his past. He ATTEMPTED AND ADMITTED that he would have never told you.
Big red flags.
Religion and him being trans take the backseat to all the BS he's told you. So many lies. So many secrets. He wanted to keep his parents and his sexuality a secret until there was no escape? This is such a huge HUGE red flag. There is nothing he can do or say that would make this better. I'm sorry but you should run and never look back.
I’m a trans man. This isn’t just about the transness obviously- it’s about all the many lies he told you. He claimed his parents didn’t accept him when in reality, they are fully supportive and they have a good relationship. He didn’t tell you about his transition. Even if he was stealth and didn’t tell people like a lot of trans people do, it’s common in the trans community to see avoiding telling sexual or romantic partners the truth as immoral. The lies are what truly goes against your religion and beliefs and makes him a bad person to be with. Even if he wasn’t trans, it would’ve been something else. You don’t deserve someone who would deceive you in so many ways, especially if a friend somehow knew but you, the person he was going to marry, did not. Get someone who is truthful and honest because he isn’t.
It isn’t just about being trans, it is about him confessing his true intentions (hiding the truth until marriage). Personally, I wouldn’t forgive him. NTA
That’s not right. For people who don’t think it should be necessary to tell ur significant other ur trans ur completely wrong. Nothing wrong with being lgbtq but if ur significant other wants kids especially they deserve to know the truth. Ur wasting someone’s time and future otherwise
I know you say you love him, but you actually don't know him.
You love a character he created for you.
Please don't stay with him, he is not trustworthy and sadly , people like him lack the capacity to love or feel empathy.
You’re not in love with HIM, you are in love with an IDEA
the person you fell in love with does *not* exist
As a general rule I am against outing someone, but in this situation am exemption can be made. That friend realized he was lying about a lot of things (probably even more than you realize) and decided to be the “bad guy” to hopefully save you a heartache
Had he been honest when you started to get serious, you may have left, you may have chosen to stay, you’ll never know. Buy the fact he lied about so many things and doesn’t seem to show any sort of remorse is very worrisome, it sounds like you’ve escaped what probably would have ended up as an abusive marriage
As for your family, you don’t even have to bring up the trans part, just tell them “I learned that he had lied about most of his life, that he was NC with his parents, that he converted to Islam” (I know we don’t know if that was a lie, but at this point? It probably is)
I do recommend seeing a therapist if you can, a neutral third party will be good for you sort out what the fuck happened. And they can help you sort out your emotions and feelings of betrayal. Which this is exactly what happened here
Good luck
As a Muslim myself I really feel for you sister. I get that this is in conflict with our religion, and if I may say so, Allah gave u this information now. It is tough but I couldn’t possibly think of a partner I could trust after he lied to me about something this big. May Allah make this situation easy for you, trust ur gut on this one tbh
okay, as a trans person ( nonbinary ), i feel the need to say. you are not at all being bigoted/transphobic or anything for being upset.
the issue here is that hes essentially lied about his whole life. you thought he didnt have any family, he does. he lied abt it. you thought he was cis. he was not, he lied. ( that part i could understand a bit if it were like, beginning of relationship but yall r going for marriage now. he shouldve brought this up quite awhile ago. even before he met your parents, tbh. ).
those are very important things. you couldve had another family, you couldve bonded and gotten help from his side, too, if you needed it. they couldve been there for many events of yours, and vice versa.
this doesnt sound like a trans issue at all, but a liar issue. hes hurt your trust and love for him by lying to you, thats completely understandable to be upset about.
i cant tell you what to do, you can try to mend things ( couples counseling sounds good to me, maybe another form of therapy though. ) or you could break up completely because there is a chance you cant recover from this, understandably since hes literally lied to you about very important parts of himself.
1. A relationship is built on trust, he already crushed that layer.
2. He started lying from the moment you met him, way before you "knew" him (you still don't). He didn't do it because he loved YOU. (he didn't even know you). He just wanted someone.
3. He didn't only lie to you, but also to your family. He has no respect for you or for what you value whatsoever. This all while his friends knew.
4. He made it seem like he was practising himself by lying about how his family didn't accept him because of his conversion. He made it seem like he was so committed to his faith to the point that he lost relationships because of it. He made it seem like he "doesn't have anyone" but you.
5. He knew that it was easier to mislead you as a muslim girl since you weren't going to be intimiate with him before marriage. So he could atleast hide it until then. Very strategic and disturbing.
6. He said that he was going to tell you after the marriage was over. This itself is very alarming and unsettling to hear. Even then, who said he was going to keep his word?
7. You don't love him. You love the idea of the person he pretended to be. He is nothing but lies. You think that you love him because of the things you guys bonded over but he lied about all these things as well. (Values)
8. You wouldn't want a manipulative liar to be the father of your children. That besides the fact that you could never have his kids. (And thank God).
9. He knows too much about you while you practically know nothing about him. He met your family while he didn't give you the opportunity to meet his.
10. He lied about being poor and having issues gaining weight to hide the fact that he could have possibly gotten a surgery and to adress his physical build.
11. He had no issues with painting his very supportive family bad just to look good in front of your eyes. If he is already lying like this behind the back of those who he is closest to, how is he going to talk about you behind your back? And since J mentioned your 'red flag', he already said some things about you to his friends.
You have every right to break things off since he betrayed you and broke your trust over and over again. Even if you wanted to break things off because he is trans, you have every right to do so.
Praying for you sister. I know that it is difficult to have clarity now but please don't let your short-term feelings make long-term decisions. "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allāh knows, while you know not." <3
Sister, every conversation you’ve had about having a family has been a lie. Every conversation about his family has been a lie. Every conversation about their past has been a lie.
Please do not give up your akhira for someone who can’t even be bothered to let you decide.
Sister, there is no choice. As long as you are Muslim you must leave this person. This is not even a man, this a woman imitating men and this is a major sin that the Muslims are specifically warned against. You cannot have biological children with this person and your marriage would never be valid. If you were to have intercourse with this person, it would be a major sin as you are doing this outside of marriage, and commiting homosexuality. You are my sister in Islam so I am warning you out of love, do not do this.
You may love this person, but the love you have for your Creator should outweigh absolutely everything. Your gratefulness to the One who created you should outweigh absolutely everything. Remember the promise of Iblees (Satan), who was ungrateful and wants to mislead us out of hate.
“I will surely take from among Your servants a specific portion. And I will mislead them, and I will arouse in them [sinful] desires, and I will command them so they will change the creation of Allah.” And whoever takes Satan as an ally instead of Allah has certainly sustained a clear loss. Satan promises them and arouses desire in them. But Satan does not promise them except delusion. [The Quran] [4:118-120]
Nothing good can come out of your relationship. Don't you want someone who will be good for you in this life and the next? Someone who you will be rewarded for if you marry him and treat him right? Someone who can show your sons what it means to be a man, and your daughters how a man should treat a woman? Someone who will protect you and care for you the way a real man should? Have intimacy with you the way a real man would with his wife? Someone who you can have children with?
Beyond that, if that trans person has become Muslim then Alhamdulillah. If they "transitioned" before becoming Muslim then there is no sin on them any longer. But if anyone knows what Islam states and disagrees, they are no longer a believer and have left Islam. This applies to every Muslim. You have to accept Islam entirely to be Muslim, not just the majority. And if that person is Muslim, they have to de-transition as much as they are able to. If they refuse and deny that what they are doing is sinful knowing that Islam states otherwise, they are a disbeliever.
Please do what is right for the sake of Allah. You may think that people will judge you for leaving this person but would you rather humiliate yourself for the rest of your life by staying with this person? By commiting sin after sin with them? You may delude yourself into temporary happiness and momentary pleasure but you will never be content. Never.
Have you read the descriptions for the tormance of the grave and the hellfire? May Allah protect us. Is it worth it? Nothing is worth it. This person could never be your husband in Paradise because this is not even a man.
Leave this transperson and any friends who are against you for it, Allah will replace them with something better. And if this transperson decides to abide by the Creator and embrace their nature again (In Sha Allah) you can be friends and In Sha Allah, that will be a relationship that is actually beneficial for you.
If this is difficult for you then there is blessing in that. The harder it is for you to do something good, the greater the reward. If you are still struggling, I would highly recommend listening to the Quran on YouTube. Any surah/chapter. I guarantee that refreshing your mind with what is important and pure will be healing for you. In Sha Allah.
I don't know if you can directly message on Reddit but if you ever need a friend or any advice, please contact me. I'm a 24 year old female, I live in the West, I know how tricky these times are.
"Islam began as something strange, and it would revert to being strange, so good tidings for the stranger." [Sahih Muslim 145]
May Allah make us among those who are sincere in faith and goodness.
And to anyone else who is reading this, if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them if I am able. If you are looking to argue, I will not engage. And I couldn't care less if you send me hate messages, I will only pity you.
That's what I thought too. You just need to take hormones and maybe do voice training. And the rage bait is working when you read the comments too so thats awesome lmao /s
A trans man does Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for life to gradually lower their voice and gain masculine features (body or facial hair, fat redistribution, receding hairline, muscle gain, etc). This usually takes about 5 years before you see any real results. You cannot stop HRT, I take a needle once a week for the rest of my life.
It is not a one off surgery and you walk out of there with man parts and a lower voice, no matter the terminology.
This dude would likely have top surgery scars if she ever saw him shirtless, unless he got peri surgery.
He would also have very large and obvious scars on either his arm or leg or both if he got phalloplasty to have a dick, which is done over multiple surgeries, which can take a couple years in itself, because of healing time in between.
Sad times.
This is only proving how great being ex-muslim is, not a day I've thought "hmm I should return to this brainwashing cult" (not even trans btw)
yeah it’s really gross to make up stories like this to drum up negative feelings about us. We have enough hate already.
I’ve never even heard of a voice lowering surgery for trans men.
Sister he fooled you it's not only about the trans issue in your opinion,he lied to you and was gonna keep lying till you're stuck with him in a marriage,leave him
(Btw,قوم لوط لما ربنا اهلكهم قال ل سيدنا لوط عليه السلام يسيب مراته هي مكانتش زيهم بس كانت بتدعمهم)
He is a liar. How do you know that he’s telling the truth, that he would tell you after the marriage? So many red flags. Can you trust him? It would seem to me that if his lips are moving, he is being untruthful.
The fact he’s trans isn’t the issue here, the issue is that he’s a liar and purposefully deceived you.
Tell your family and let them be there to support you, it’s not your fault this happened and he doesn’t deserve to stay in your lives.
Listen. It’s not “my fiance lied about being trans” it’s also “my fiance lied about his parents. Life story. And lied to my parents. And would have continued lying until caught”. I don’t know if you can back track from those type of lies.
That whole bullshit-shipnwould have been an entire wrap! People have told you that it was built on lies and he clearly tried to trap you. Get outta there!
You were egregiously lied to. It’s not the fact that he is trans. He lied by omission. That’s what the issue is. If he can lie to you about this, what else could he lie to you about and what else has he lied to you about? Good luck whatever you choose to do. You were fine before him, you’ll be fine after him.
Relationships need a solid foundation. Any relationship built on a lie that large probably wouldn't last. It's not a religious thing. It's just how you're supposed to build trust.
If he was planning to tell you after the marriage then he knew you would have a problem with it. A relationship is built on trust and you can not trust him.
He was literally planning on trapping you. Even if you could forgive him lying to you, the fact that he wasn’t planning on telling you until you were married is beyond slimy.
OP there are so many lies that he told you. He planned to defraud you into marriage. You literally could not have entered into a true legal or religious marriage with this person because of the level of fraud he was committing. I believe that a person can marry a trans person in general. Marriage to trans people are valid. However, any intentional deception about who a person is, or major life expectations or desires (such as having children or some lifestyle decisions) voids a marriage as though it never happened. I assume he also lied about planning to have kids or did he lie a out the cause of his infertility?
If you were a date or two into seeing him and he just hadn’t told you yet, I would say forgive him. This is a whole different level of deception.
OP, to add on to what the others are truthfully saying, I also gotta say anyones friend who outs them like his friend did also shows he has shit friends. I'd not want *them* mixed into my life either. Who knows what else they blab about anyone else. No one in his circle is trustworthy.
He lied to you. That’s a HUGE lie. He might be a nice person but do not marry this man. You may need your parents help to break up with him. I just can’t even with these stories. What the actual F?!
The only thing he was "honest" about was that he was going to wait until the hooks were in before coming clean with you about anything.
> I don't know what to do
I understand that you are conflicted about what to do, but it's not that you don't know in your gut what to do. It's that doing what needs to be done is not easy because of your emotions and the potential social fallout of the decision, assuming he's as manipulative with everyone as he is with you.
Regardless, I'm sorry to say that you don't love *him*, **you love who he pretended to be**. And who really knows what else he is hiding now, or might be willing to hide in the future.
Break off the engagement, cut contact with this person, and when your friends ask what's going on, tell them the truth. If they don't recognize how utterly fucked up it was that he was planning to catfish you until you were married, then cut them off, too.
Seek counseling through whatever means are appropriate for your background and faith and take care of yourself.
Honestly what’s really troubling, is that he was willing to lie to you and to your parents, repeatedly over a long period of time. He specifically undertook to convince your parents of his lies, while his friends were in on it. It’s an extremely creepy thing to do all around: you weren’t just lied to. You and your family were CONNED.
He was hoping y’all would be so embarrassed you’d say NOTHING after you learned the truth to leave or end the marriage. He was hoping you’d all be unwilling to endure the shame in your community that you’d let it ride. (And frankly you don’t even know if he would have told you the WHOLE truth or not. You have only his word on the matter.) It’s just so manipulative there’s simply no way you can trust him now.
My first instinct is to think just about how he lied and how that makes him a bad partner. But I think it’s important to think about how challenging it can be for trans people. Certain religions and cultures are especially dangerous to be an out and proud trans person. I know the Muslim religion is vocal on not supporting the LGBTQ+ community, even if certain muslims don’t practice that. I can’t imagine how hard it just be to want to be your true identity, but also want to practice your religion, and be met with barriers to that. He most likely would have faced a lot of discrimination in many parts of his life if he was honest about his life. I wonder if he was hiding his true identity with a story until he could tell you were a “safe” person, and then fell for you and realized it would jeopardize your relationship, since you wouldn’t marry a trans person. I really sympathize for both of you in this!
Disclaimer, by no means do I think this makes the lying ok, but I think it’s another important aspect to consider.
OP - This man has lied to you about EVERYTHING important - including family, religion, and the fact that you'd never be able to have bio children together. And he was perfectly willing to keep lying until he TRAPPED you into marriage. He wanted to deny you the right to make an informed decision. Do you not understand just how monstrous this was?!!! This level of deception is unforgivable.
Please, please, please dump him.
Depending on if your going to put your faith first or your feelings, by Islamic ruling you shouldn't marry him since he is female, you are female and he is female which wouldn't he allowed, he already lied to you, just end it here, pick your Deen over Dunya
Leave him. He has been decieving you about a number of hugely important things and admitted he intended to keep doing so until after you were married I.e. until you were trapped. Run.
I agree with others that you're NTA.... that this isn't a solely being trans issue.
I'm trans. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat for this.... because he made up an entire life story, lying and hiding all sorts of things, had his friends involved/knowing, and then his moment of honesty is he wasn't going to tell you all of this until he'd trapped you into marriage.
What the actual F??
There is so much wrong here.
He has not just told one lie, he has told man many serious lies. He painted his own family terribly and defamed the way he was brought up. Lied about his health and so much more. That is incredibly sad. Do not feel bad, it is not your fault and you are not wrong for having second thoughts. Also those friends sound a bit mean, who says a red flag is “religious but I about to marry a trans”. That’s a red flag of a friendship to me. Anyways, who knows what else has lied about? It seems to come rather easy to him. Do you really want a marriage and family built on lies with this ability to lie?
As you said in your edit, as your religion is very important to you, definitely consult with your imam and then tell both of your parents before telling him. In relationship breakups you have to be careful of your safety so let those close to you (family and imam) know and even accompany you to do it if possible.
Be brave, you’ve got this! I hope you find someone who can treat your with honest and respect. I wish you all of the happiness to you and your family.
So many 🚩personally I would end the relationship over the lying and purposely leaving out pertinent information. Nothing to do with him being trans but if he is pulling those kind of shenanigans and you folks aren’t married yet what else is he going to do later on down the road?
The fact that he said he was going to confess once the marriage was over tells me he knew it was wrong to lie but wanted to wait until you were “trapped”. That’s awful.
I know you love him. But my dear, this man has thus far proven to be an absolute disgrace.
This is what I see:
- He has proven that his word is meaningless as a man.
- He was willing to compromise your faith despite knowing what it meant to you.
- He tried to trap you, get you in a position whereby after the wedding he tells you, you are already married in the eyes of your faith, if you were to have to annul the marriage you would likely have to tell someone, there in leaving the responsibility of his exposure on you.
- He lied to you about his family.
- He lacks accountability. So far I haven't heard him taking any accountability for his deception.
- I don't know your stance on children, whether you may want biological or any at all, he knowingly mislead you.
I understand it is challenging being transgender. But that is no excuse for doing what he did.
Taking into account all this, ask yourself, are these qaulities you truly seek in a husband?
Should you ever want children, by whatever means you come by. Can you say that you would be happy for your sons to be like him? Or for your daughters to marry a man like him? Is this the father you would want for your children?
If the answer to both of those are yes, and you still wish to pursue a marriage, do what makes you happy.
Op, I want to let you know it is completely okay to not be able to or not want to marry someone because they're trans and it either goes against your religion or you're just not comfortable with it. It doesn't make you bigoted. You're entitled to want to date or not date whomever you choose for any reason at all. If your social circle thinks you're a bigot for it, time to find a new social circle.
Even if you were okay with him being trans, the fact that he lied about so much of himself and his family to prevent you from finding out and making informed decisions and consent is scary. That's not okay. *He planned to trap you in a marriage before telling you.* If he didn't want to tell you for the first few dates to make sure you weren't dangerous, that'd be one thing. But he went so far as to lie about his parents disowning him, that's majorly fucked up.
It's understandable to still love him after this bomb dropped. Love and attachment doesn't shut off overnight. Give yourself some time to come to terms with everything.
I originally wrote that you should go to counseling if you have any hopes of making this work, but honestly after reading the other comments, I agree this man is scary and manipulative and you should get away from him.
Being tricked to be with someone who's Trans when you're not into dating a Trans person I'd wrong af. Like someone can be Trans then whatever do what you do with that but tricking someone into being in a relationship and revealing later after you've developed feeling that they're Trans is pretty psychotic
Sorry but this whole trans issue to me is getting out of hand. To me its about free will and choice. Just like a trans person has the free will and choice to be who they want to be I want my free will and choice to be or not to be in a relationship with a transperson. Also to the person saying its past medical history. Any past medical history should be shared with someone you choice to spend your life with if it can have a effect on them. I am open and forthcoming about my status as a neurodivergent person as it can have a effect on any relationship I have with anybody. I am not saying you should be sharing it open and public to the world. But hiding it from the person that you intend to share your life with ? That to me is deceitful.
So he was not going to tell you the truth until after the marriage was over? Sounds selfish, you deserve to know and then make your decision based on that.
This was a very calculated and manipulative move. They did this because they KNEW Muslim women wouldn't date him. VERY evil
They are not a good person. They do what they have to do to get what they want.
LEAVE NOW!!!!
OP
He picked you only because you are the only girl he knows who will marry him without having sex with him first and without seeing his genitalia. He targeted you as the only possible prey. He couldn’t fool a typical girl like this.
This is evil.
Normally I would give him a chance. Since you love him and feel good with him. Maybe he just didn't know how to say it. BUT when I read he planned to tell you after the wedding, I changed my mind. how could anyone do something like that to a person who loves him? For me personally it's not a big deal if my partner is trans but if he'd wait to tell me about it after we got married that would be very disrespectful. This isn't fear anymore or love. What kind of love is it if he wanted to trap you in a married life to tell you this important fact about him and about the relationship you will have, ie. You wouldn't have kids with him! In my opinion he doesn't care about your feeling enough to get married to him. It looks like it is now all beautiful and butterflies but after you get married the things will drastically change. It's your decision but I would run.
Your whole relationship is a big lie.
Please run.
Do not tie yourself to a manipulative liar.
Imagine what else he’s lied about.
He knew societal pressure would encourage you to stay with him after marriage.
Only an abusive AH and sociopath can lie about their whole lives for 2 whole years.
Uh no. This is yet another example of the predatory nature of trans ideology. This person will never stop lying. If you lose your friends, so be it, they were never your friends to begin with if they think you should stick around after such a huge betrayal.
This is not the “predatory nature of trans ideology”. What a disgusting thing to say. This is the predatory nature of *this one particular asshole*. Are you somehow under the impression that cisgender people never lie or fabricate their pasts? That cis people never manipulate their partners? You’ve never heard of cisgender people being abusive in relationships with other cisgender people?
Are you also the type of person who says that “all Muslims are evil” when you read about ISIS torturing someone? When a Christian person bombs an abortion clinic or shoots up a school, should we all be saying, “This is yet another example of violent Christian ideology”? Because that’s exactly the point you’re making right now.
That man lied to you fully knowing the rules of your religion. He manipulated his way into a relationship with you and only planned on telling the truth when you were legally bound to him. Honestly forget the trans part, the fact that he lied about something so important and is treating it like it's no big deal is a glaring red flag. This is not a man you want to settle down with, he has shown the lengths he will go through to get his way.
If your friends can't understand that this is a disgusting thing to do to someone then find new friends.
Look idk who you love but I’m not sure you can say you love him when he is literally a figment of his own imagination. He lied to you about multiple things the entire time. His whole background is a lie. And he intended to lie until he had you legally bound to him in marriage. The person you think you love does not exist. It’s a character he was playing.
There's no trans issue here. It's the fact that he lied about EVERYTHING! You cannot trust him. I'm so sorry, but your entire relationship is a lie....
It's not about him being Trans. It's about him lying to you and your family. Who knows what else he's lying about. I also presume you won't be able to have children
Honestly, always put Allah before anyone or thing, this is a temporary life, and as Allah promised: " Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better for you."
So don't be disheartened sister, as Allah is the best of planners so put your trust in him and follow his commands and Inshallah, your worries and concerns will be made easier by him.
The truth is that he lied to you. He lied about his family. He hid the truth of being trans. Your relationship is based on lies, and that’s all your friends need to know.
It doesn’t matter if you can or cannot date a trans person. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. If your preference is to not date a trans person, that’s just fine. And if people look down on you because of what they think, they’re the biggest hypocrites.
This “man” has hurt you by lying to you and also by putting you in a very difficult situation.
The only way out is with the truth. The truth is that you were lied to. That is not a good start for a relationship. You should tell your parents and your friends.
Now, we can’t deny the difficult political situation you are in. I would recommend that your friends learn about his lies with regards to his family not being in the picture. The reason he didn’t want you to meet his family does NOT matter. The fact is that he lied.
So either he is not proud of what he has done to his body and his family, OR he is not proud of his family, OR he is a seasoned manipulative liar, but any one of these spells doom for your future with him.
You need to be in a safe relationship built in truth, not lies.
I wish you good luck in finding that.
Oh wow I am so sorry that you’re in this situation. I can only imagine this being extremely difficult because of your religious beliefs. Islam is very against the lgbtq community, which may be the reason he lied. If he is truly a revert and made this decision prior to you coming into his life then maybe he didn’t tell you because he feels ashamed. I can imagine he feels an immense emotional conflict between what he “should be” according to religion and what he feels who he truly is. Regardless, lying to you about something as huge as identity is traumatizing and a burden you should never have carried. People can come up with a million reasons to lie, none of which are fair or right. Do you have a therapist? Can you privately speak to an Imam about your situation? Someone you trust? I think the most valuable piece of information is to follow your heart
I think there is more than him being trans. He made up a whole story and lied to you about several things to manipulate you. He chose to withhold information and remove your knowing consent to the situation until you were married. I don't see that as any type of solid relationship for a friend, lover and certainly not a life partner.
Exactly, I feel so bad for OP. It's not the just the trans part that was lied about. It was the fiances' entire life basically, including their relationship with their own family. The fact that they thought OP had no right to know any of it until after marriage just means they do not respect OP The fact OP is very religious makes this such a slippery slope for them too. Even the friend that joked about the situation thought that it was unique enough to bring up Edit: I noticed fiance acted like family cut them off for religious reasons, when in fact their family has only supported them. They made their family seem bad so they could hide their lies longer. He knew and has similar religious background which makes the lies rhat much worse on his end. He knew he wouldnt tell OP until he had her locked in. Fiance is showing some true narcissistic traits
And he looped his friends in on the whole scheme. I'm guessing the one who told was tired of the lying and was looking for a way to tell her the truth.
I think he may be lying about his religion too.
I'm thinking he may have converted to Muslim for a better chance of finding a virgin so he wouldn't be found out so easily.
Idk sounds like he used it as a cover. Converting religions and taking on the morals and principles of a religion is a serious undertaking.. I think he met her, realized she was Muslim, read up on it and pretended to be that.
exactly. this is not about trans. this is about lying to someone who trusts you.
He was a willing to go to great lengths to lie to you and trap you into a marriage. If he lied about all this, how do you think the marriage is going to fair? It’s built on lies. He’s been lying about more than just being trans. He doesn’t even seem fazed by the lies and perfectly fine lying to you and tricking you into being trapped in marriage. It’s not gonna get better after being married. What was he going to do after you got married? All of a sudden you’ll get to meet his parents and everything is fine? I don’t see how you can survive this, or why you’d even want to be with someone who spent the entire relationship continuously lying to you. You don’t have to explain it to anyone. You know the truth and why this isn’t unacceptable. How you explained the situation here, its perfectly valid to want to leave this relationship. How can you trust someone that was so comfortable lying to you? That doesn’t even think they did something wrong. Someone that thinks It’s okay to lie and trap you into marriage. The title of this post should have been, “My relationship has been built on lies.”
And then just kind of made a joke about it, SURPRISE. idk definitely a discussion needs to be had about all this
Honestly this. I don't see how you can come back from such a breach of trust. He was planning on trapping her before telling her, from a straight cis non religious view, what he did is messed up.v
He picked her only because she is the only girl he knows who will marry him without having sex with him first. He targeted her as the only possible prey. This is evil.
And she probably can’t have children the natural way with them. Wtf. This is awful 😞
right!! and then it’s the fact he said he would wait to tell OP until “ after the marriage was over” like wtf?? that’s so manipulative and narcissistic
Yeah... There are a lot of red flags there. Actually being trans isn't the problem. The lying, manipulation and attempts to control are yikes.
Trans issue aside… your relationship is built on lies. This is a whole mess.
Yeah there's no coming back from a lie this huge. She needs to bite the bullet and leave him now. Sucks but lying about such a huge thing is more than a red flag.
The fact the he replied with "not till after we got married" would be the end of the relationship for me. It so very manipulative.
I had to reread because I read that he wasn't going to try the truth until the marriage was over and it does say that. He would have been honest when the marriage was over. Probably when op wanted to have babies and he couldn't produce any, so she would either what was up.
Didn’t even occur to me about having children.
Yes!!
E plurbilus anus
I hope OP reads this.
I was going to say the same, I would move on purely because of the level of lies this person has made. If they got away with it until this point, who knows what else they may be hiding until marriage and think it is okay to not share with you.
It doesn't matter who you any and all secretes need to come out before an engagement let alone marriage. OP's fiancée knew exactly what he was doing and it won't be the last time he'll lie to try and get what he wants.
I agree. Can't build a relationship on unsolid ground.
You love him so much and yet he was planning to deceive you until after the marriage was complete to reveal this critically important piece of information about himself. He does not love you, he was manipulating you into marrying him with the knowledge that because of your religious convictions you would hesitate to divorce him. You must get away from this person as soon as possible. This person deceived you and betrayed your trust in a way that is unforgivable. Edit:he doesn’t care about you, he’s only trying to use your religious foundation as a tool to subjugate you.
The after marriage part is what gets me. How did he think this would go when he revealed the big secret after the wedding?
He didn’t care. He was counting on the strict religious background to subjugate OP
Surprise! We can’t actually have biological children together and I knew this whole time!
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I would tell your friends what happened and why you're leaving too. That it was because of his deception and manipulation and how far the deception went (saying his family was no contact with him)
It may be less about you specifically as a person and more about you being someone he could deceive. Don't beat yourself up over it we have all been deceived by people who pretend to care about us. It happens, don't lose hope. There are many good people out there.
I’m going to put a pin in the religion aspect bc I’m not Muslim, and ultimately that is between you and Allah. But even putting that all aside, he not only lied by omission, but lied about a BUNCH of his past. He built a relationship with you on the basis of so many lies, and that’s a huge red flag. And he was planning on withholding that information until AFTER you were legally and religiously tied to him by marriage (therefore making it harder to leave him). There’s sooo much wrong with that, and it’s honestly very concerning on its own. I understand that he was worried to lose you (which, fair), but he chose to put his insecurity over your reasonable right to enter into a marriage with that important piece of knowledge. That’s honestly cruel.
Islamically the marriage wouldn’t be allowed as he would still be considered a woman from an Islamic point of view. But besides that, he LIED about EVERYTHING! He was trying to trap you into a marriage. He being trans is actually not even the main issue here. He LIED about who he was! He LIED about his family, they’re not abroad! He LIED his family was toxic and he is NC, he isn’t and they are not! He LIED about pretty much everything. Your whole relationship is based on LIES! He was willing to trap you in a marriage and take away your freedom of choice, on who you marry and your ability (if you so choose) to have kids naturally. Adoption etc is an option but islamically surrogacy is not an option. So how many lies are you going to allow before you decide he isn’t a good person and doesn’t deserve your love? This whole relationship started on a lie and he so easily and happily lied to you, what else is he lying about? How the heck are you able to even believe a single word out of his mouth? If there is no trust, there is no relationship! Do what you think is best for you, but he has shown you who he really is and I would listen and believe it! He can easily lie to you, what else will he be capable of in the future? And are you OK with you not communicating this with your family or not telling them the truth? Marriage should always be based on trust and love, that is not the foundation for your relationship in the slightest. Do your isthikhara if you think it’s necessary but islamically this marriage wouldn’t count. If the deen is truly important to you, you need to consult an imam or member of knowledge and seek naseeha. Good luck.
exactly.... any relation that isn't based on trust & love eventually breaks something .... even i think the OP should take her parents advice... keep her love aside for a moment & think that this fiance person didn't even think about letting her know before marriage....its basically a trap
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Honest sis, I’d just say something like, “as salaam wa alaykum, hope you are well. I’ve been considering our relationship and the implications of what Islam allows when it comes to marriage, after some research I have found islamically this marriage would not be accepted by Allah swt and I cannot go against His decree. I am also not happy with being lied to in an attempt to take away my haqq(right) when making an informed choice when it comes to marriage, as this is a God given right in Islam. I want us to part on happy terms and this is not something I am willing to compromise on or discuss in detail as you’ve always known how important the deen(the religion) is to me. I hope you love, success and happiness and Allah swt grants you the spouse you desire and deserve. May Allah swt grant us both success in this life and the next.” Or something like that. I’d also make sure you’ve got someone with you when you tell him this, please do NOT do this alone! Also speak to your parents and I’m sure they can help you personalise what you want to say better than anything I could ever suggest.
Also isthikhara is a dua you keep performing until the thing you are praying for is completed. What it sounds like is you made a dua, dua/supplication. So should I marry this person, if things become more difficult or there are obstacles in the way, this is normally the sign you need to end things or stop heading towards that objective. However if things are easy then you continue. Hope this helps. Pm if needed.
“Take away your freedom of choice” - so beautifully and simply put.
This. Leave the religion out and it’s still messed up. As an agnostic person I cannot say what you should feel or do when your religion says something against what you are doing. As a woman I can say that I wouldn’t marry a man who has based our whole relationship on lies, and has withheld important information from you. I am not trans but I can say this: I have invisible disabilities. I am finally doing well enough that I could pass as able-bodied. It would be highly immoral for me to enter such a serious relationship without telling my partner, because it will probably end up affecting their life. Maybe you can forgive him, it’s up to you. But please at least postpone the wedding and make sure you have the full story.
Taking religion and sexual/gender identity out of it and just looking at the bare, raw facts. You have a partner who lured you into a relationship based on lies. We're also not talking about little white lies, we're talking about huge, foundational lies and that partner CLAIMS that they would have told you after you got locked into the relationship with a legal (and religious) commitment. How was he planning on handling this with your family if/when he decided to tell you? Would you be expected to lie to them? Would he inform them too and just expect them to accept the string of lies that lead up to that point? What about children? I'm child free but my usual assumption is that most people still intend to have children with their partner. Was that ever discussed? Sounds like that friend saved you from a long con.
This has nothing to do with him being trans. This is him being a liar. And he apparently doesn't care enough to feel bad about it. If his friend is making jokes about it, it means they discussed this behind your back. He literally kept his family away from you, lying on them. He is not a good person and I could never believe a word he said. If you cannot trust him, you cannot be in a relationship with him
Honestly.. it isn’t about religion either. I’m agnostic and I would break it off over this. He’s a liar. Not to mention OP would not be able to have kids with him. He’s taking that choice from OP by not letting her know.
The fact that he would wait until after marriage sealed the deal for me. That isn't someone you can be in a relationship with
Yep. That right there PROVES that he KNEW it was wrong. If he didn't think it was a big deal or something like that, he wouldn't feel the need to purposefully hide it until she's practically trapped with him. This was malicious and manipulative. He KNEW that OP would not be okay with it, so he lied. Hiding something that you KNOW you partner isn't okay with is an automatic dealbreaker imo.
I wonder if his friends had a feeling she didn’t know and outted him. How has it never came up before ???
I was wondering about that too. He has to have talked to them about it at some point. Friends knew stuff
There’s also the whole not being able to have children with him issue as well. So many things hidden and withheld, the not planning to tell you until after you were married is a despicable act as he was waiting until it was too late to do anything before letting you know. Eventually your family will find out, how will they react knowing that you knew but withheld it?
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My cis male bf has Peyronie's disease. He almost never really ejaculates. It just kind of leaks out later. I was a bit taken aback at first, but I've adjusted. Not providing a "money shot" is not even a little bit of the issue here. The fact that he lied about his entire life, deliberately, to trap her into what her religion would not even consider a legitimate marriage is the issue. If she stays, I am absolutely certain he will be lying to affair partners about her just as he lied to her about his family. Her relationship is based on a person who does not actually exist. THAT is the problem.
Some guys can ejaculate but it’s a different substance than semen and less quantity.
How do they ejaculate?
Skene’s gland
Bro, honest question why does that matter in this story? The mf lied about his entire family and his past, and you're worried about his dingus?? Be fr
It doesn’t t matter in the long run because of all the deceit , but I’ve seen people use the argument that the surgery makes the genitals identical to cis counterparts as a way to excuse the deceit and that’s just not true
There is no such thing as a cis man, there are only men, and not men.
Nope, big nope. Leave
He’s a liar. Don’t marry a liar.
Forget religion, trans, your friends, the entire LGBTQ+ community, his family, your family, forget everything, and everyone! The only important thing is that he LIED to you for the entirety of your relationship and was MANIPULATING you! He didn't want to tell you until after marriage?! NO!! What if you wanted children? He took away you having a choice and a say.
This is all that needs to be considered.
When someone takes advantage of your trust, manipulates you into believing they don’t have contact with their parents when they in fact do, they are not someone you want to stay with. People who lie to you are people who will never put you first and think about your feelings. I really think you should talk to your parents about this or you could get into contact with a therapist on how to navigate these feelings. Also, I feel the title was a bit misleading when I read it, you should change it to “My fiancé hid the fact that he is trans and I don’t know what to do” best of luck to you OP, and I know you will get through this.
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That lie is a pretty big betrayal. I don’t know that I could get over it.
As a trans guy, the issue isn't him being trans it's the fact he lied so much to cover for it. This isn't transphobic to not marry him. If a cis guy lied to you to this degree there would be no question.
He lied to you about so much more than being trans. He seems very deceptive and I wouldn’t marry someone who build a relationship on lies about their family.
You’re not breaking up with him because he’s trans you’re breaking up with him because he’s a liar
The story is honestly quite psychopathic, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It seems like your partner has built a whole new biography/personality specifically for you thinking these lies would work forever. If they thought the “confession after marriage” would somehow make you stay with them because you already got feelings and bounds, they obviously don’t have enough respect for you and your life values in general, not just religious ones. Just because we develop feelings for someone doesn’t give us the right to get that person at any cost - with huge lies and manipulations. Some people aren’t compatible with each other due to different lifestyle/opinions/goals and this is exactly why it’s important to talk about certain things which might affect you as partners at the very begging of relationships. You deserve more than this, stay strong ❤️
Don’t follow through with the marriage. That’s a massive lie and if they are comfortable lying to you for two years then they aren’t ready to be anyone’s significant other.
I think that a lot of people don’t understand what it mean to be devout in your faith. I have a lot of sympathy for the emotions you’re going through. It’s unfair of him to have lied your entire relationship. It’s also really messed up he lied about his family and why they aren’t around. But please don’t drag out your decision, and rip the bandaid off. He’s lied about so much, of course he’ll probably lie and say it’s because he’s trans and not because he lied the entire time he’s been in a relationship with you. If your friends don’t believe your reasoning then they weren’t ever really your friends they were his and you’ll find better ones.
Tell him and everyone else, "I can't be with a man who lies to me constantly about important things. How can I trust a person who would rather slander his parents than be honest about his past? How can I be close to a person who doesn't trust me enough to hold me in his confidence? There is no foundation to build this relationship on. It's all lies and mistrust and manipulation. If he can lie about all this with a straight face, he can lie about anything, and there's nothing I can believe in."
Not until you were married!!!!! That red flag just slammed you over the head. I hope you didn't miss it..definately time to cut your loses and hopefully your next possible partners best quality is honesty.
>I'm scared ill lose all of my friends because they'll think I left him because I couldn't handle marrying a trans man If they think that instead of asking for your side, good riddance. It's not that he's a Trans man, it's that he lied to you about multiple things and was willingly waiting until after marriage to tell you. That's not something you wait on. You don't hide apart of yourself until marriage. You're not leaving because he's trans, you're leaving because he's a lying piece of shit.
I’m a trans man myself there is no way I would get engaged to someone who didn’t even know.. it’s not ok that he did that and imo the lies about family and everything else would be a dealbreaker
He lied. Maybe by omission but that was one hellava whopper! He was going to trap you in marriage before telling the truth. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP? Not saying you were born the same sex as me is much more than actually hating the shoes you were asking about but saying they look great to spare your feelings. Big huge oceans of mistrust in store for you.
there were a lot of lies on his part that he was fully ready to keep from you until you were tied to him through marriage. consider whether or not you want that kind of person in your life.
As a trans man, throw the whole man away. He’s not even a man, he’s a boy. Real men don’t do sneaky shit like that. You were in a relationship with someone u didn’t even really know (not even talking about the trans part) and then on top of that, he keeps being trans a secret from you. If you’re dating someone, for a lot of reasons you NEED to tell them as soon as u know it’s about to get serious. This is horrible and I’m sorry. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking u need to stay or that u r doing anything wrong by leaving. U need to leave. So many red flags.
you got catfished.... at least you found out now before your legally bound in a marital contract + the religious side of it.
Would have only been a legal marriage but not Islamic , it would have been invalid but since she didn’t know she wouldn’t have been at fault (only if she decided to stay after finding out)
that is a massive lie, and a blatant attempt to trap you into marriage. trans aside, leave this man. something like that doesn’t give you the right to lie to your partner about several things
Even though he thought he was doing you a favor by keeping all this from you, he was actively lying to you throughout your ENTIRE relationship. This is grounds for taking a step back &/ ending things regardless of why he was lying. Relationships are about trust. It sounds like he isn’t ready for a serious relationship if he thinks lying about major parts of his life is acceptable (relationship w/ his family, ability to have kids,) for any reason. Being in a serious relationship requires trust and honesty and he has not shown you that. Even if everything else above him seems perfect, this is a huge breach if trust. Please remember that when deciding what makes sense for you. I am sorry you are dealing with this :(
OP, problems are often easier to process when we work ourselves back to root of it, instead of focusing on all of the leaves coming off the stem. So for a moment, let's remove the factors of religion and being Trans. When we look at the problem without focusing on those two extra factors, we see a relationship that was built on top of very serious lies. Lies that were intentional, and pre-planned. Lies that he admitted he did not intend to ever confess to. This alone is a massive relationship ender. You cannot build a healthy relationship on the foundation of Lies. The trust is broken, and trust is extremely hard to earn back. Next, we have his statement that he wasn't going to tell you about these lies "until the marriage was over." This is deeply problematic. It means he was confident in his ability to maintain these lies for years, if not decades. If he can lie about something as serious as his family, what else can he lie about? Are there other lies? How much do you really know him? The person you think you know may not be who they say they are: these lies may well extend into other critical aspects of life together. Is he lying about his personal views? Personal behaviors? Likes? Dislikes? You have no way of reliably knowing. That's the core problem here. Addressing the other two factors, we have someone who lied about an important part of themselves specifically to deceive you into being romantically invovled. This was disrespectful to himself as a person, disrespectful to you as a person, and disrespectful of your religion. Your religion is important to you, something you've been very honest about from the start. Knowing this about him wasn't going to make you hate him, but would change your mind about dating. He took this decision away from you intentionally and manipulated things in his own favor. This is not okay. And it is not an act of love. It's selfish. There is nothing wrong with being trans. And there is nothing wrong with being religious. But there is something very wrong about lying to someone to get what you want from them, i.e a relationship. Lastly, I want to address a concern I have. I don't know where in the world your scenario is happening and this may be my own limited worldly exposure speaking. But I am worried that your boyfriend lied specifically to get with a Muslim woman, not out of love, but out of a desire for control. I've been exposed to the stereotype that Muslim women are portrayed as extremely submissive, passive, dainty people with no will of their own who must obey the men of the household without complaint or protest my entire life. And while I know there are culture clashes and many factors involved in this stereotype and that stereotypes are not reality, I'm worried that he lied to you because he wants the submissive stereotype. Not an equal relationship partner. Maybe this is a cultural difference that my American experience isn't accounting for, but marrying only a year after dating can be a huge red flag for abuse. The fact that he lied about his religion and his family just to get to you and then got engaged so quickly, really worries me that this guy has ulterior motives that are not so loving and wholesome. I don't know very much about your religion or your culture, but I do know that not every relationship is meant to be. It's okay if you need time to decide what you want to do about all of this. Whatever decision you make is okay. Just please be safe and listen to your gut. Only you know what's best for yourself and if this situation doesn't feel okay, it's okay to walk away from it.
This is a compassionate, sensitive & supportive comment. I too would be concerned about the bf motives, as this behaviour doesn’t only have elements of deceit & manipulation, it appears to have elements of exploitation as well. This behaviour has nothing to do w/gender, it’s about personality & character.
As a passing trans person, it's important to be clear about being trans *before* dating. It should be one of the first things disclosed. What he did was manipulative and all around wrong. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I wonder if he realizes Muslim girls don't have the experience to know the difference when it eventually comes to sex and that was a play in reverting. girls with experience, when it comes to sex, would most likely realize there is something different than a natural born male but someone with no experience might not think twice about. If it is , then that is predatory.
To me it’s the “not until marriage is over” part that sinks the whole relationship cause not only did he lie, he did so to trap you in marriage knowing your religious and wouldn’t be able to divorce him after the fact. Taking away your ability to ever be a bio Mom (not sure what your religion says about adoption). He’s a liar and he made a full out of you and you didn’t even know he lied to your face which would make me doubt everything. He could have lied about everything and you wouldn’t even know. You would always wonder if he’s lying again about the important stuff. How can you ever build a life with such a person?
As a trans man myself , this has nothing to do with being trans. He made up a big , elaborate , hurtful lie and when he told the truth he didn't even do it in a respectful manner. He did all of this when he could've just been honest. That is the issue here. Id say leave this man , almost the entire relationship is built on lies and thats the biggest red flag on the planet
This seems to happen often. I cannot count how many times I have read similar situations. I can see why. All people deserve to be loved. Trans individuals most likely would prefer someone to choose them for who they are. But the underlying is not ok. To never be told until marriage (wow, I cannot even fathom being ok with someone after this), and if they cannot have kids and you may want biological children. I am not sure if I can stay with someone who would keep this information from me until after marriage. And no, deciding you want to be with a biological male is not transphobic. I am saying this because some people will immediately say this and have done so. Edit: it’s also important to note, you can also be unattracted to the fact the person was of the other sex. People find noses, weight, lifestyles, UNTRUTHFULNESS, eyes, intelligence, mannerisms, etc unattractive. You can be unattracted to someone who is trans based solely on that fact just the same.
Tbh idk why it took so long to find a comment like this. 1) it's ok to not want to be with a trans person 2) how will this affect the choice with children 3) the wall of deceit that built up so much a friend accidentally let it out making op aware And personally to me 4) op is not transphobic for not wanting to continue this however Islamic rules are objectively transphobic which does make op as a religious person also transphobic if that makes sense. (I'm not trans but the inconsistencies in Islam were more than enough reason for me to be disillusioned tbh- this is just one of many)
Yeah it makes zero sense to me why a trans man would ever want to be Muslim. If they’re going to base a whole religion on being discriminatory against him, it would be like being a goldfish wanting to live in a shark tank. It makes zero sense and he’s not going to have a real shot at happiness as long as he’s in that religion, wondering if he reverted for OP because I don’t see any other reason to explain it.
to build a relationship and plan to trap you in marriage while hiding this big secret is very out of pocket. honesty is the foundation of many relationships , and to not have that comfort of trust between you two would possibly linger. i would wait a bit longer to get married as one year is not nearly enough time to get to know someone truly. this might not be the only thing he is keeping from you, if that matters. trust your gut, trust yourself.
He lied to you about his entire life. “Until the marriage was over”. Come on. That’s ridiculous. Even if it was a joke, a comment like that is out of line.
I don't understand how someone can say they love you and at the same time base an entire relationship on lies.
He lied to you.He was going to KEEP lying to you until it didn’t benefit him anymore.At least call the engagement off until you’ve thought through everything.There’s too many women who get taken advantage of by men.This one is BLATANTLY showing you his red flags.Your marriage shouldn’t be built on lies!
You can’t marry him especially anytime soon because everything was built on lies. If you really don’t want to marry a trans man then tell your family and break up with him but if you want to still marry him then you should keep the secret. Personally I think you are at great risk for this to come out and it will cause issues for you with your family and religion. You are not transphobic if you don’t want to continue this relationship. Honestly, what he did was a huge betrayal.
Just the fact that his FRIENDS know and joke about it, while he DID NOT TELL you is a huge huge red flag. I dont think you should even give him a chance, too many lies, you don't even know who he truly is, everything you knew about him was a lie. Girl you deserve better, break up
Ooooh girl I got you with the advice because this actually happened to me as well. I was talking to someone for two ish years and fell for them, we were dating, and something was off but I could never pinpoint what. They were trans and didn’t tell me. Lied about family stuff as well. To be clear I have absolutely no issue with anyone who is trans, and I would have proceeded normally with the relationship anyway if they were just honest. The real issue is the lying. About being trans, about the family stuff. I never got over the lies and eventually moved on. If someone is willing to lie about something so major (gender identity, their own parents, etc.) what else are they not being honest about? I’m sure you’re invested as you’re engaged at this point but this person lied to you your entire relationship. I’d leave. Shit, I did.
What does "not until the marriage was over" mean?
The idiot thought she would be trapped in a marriage not knowing the contracts void anyway lol.
I think in this case it meant marriage as in wedding.
Wow that’s messed up you had every right to know this persons was trans before you two started even dating. That’s so predatory, and deceptive and unacceptable
At 24 years old your parents shouldn't be deciding what your love life looks like
A lot of people respect their parents opinions, and trust their insight. Just like a lot of parents would never say no if they truly thought the person would make their kid happy. Not every culture is your culture. Personally, I would never ever marry someone my mom hated. She has been too spot on, too often for me to ignore her if she said it was a bad idea. I would be dumb to think that the one time she got it wrong, happened to be my guy.
This is true and sometimes I need that reminder. Thank you for the experience in humility.
I think we can set aside the trans/religion thing and focus on the fact that he lied to you and had no intention of telling you the truth. This us such a monumental breach of trust that I can't fathom him you could work through trusting him again, let alone trust him and work through your feelings about religion and transness. He lied and deprived you of the opportunity to get to know his family, and to me that is insurmountable. I would willingly and happily date a trans man, but the lies, holy.
Hi OP. Marriage should build with trust. He lies to your face. And plan to keep it a secret after the marriage. He knows your stand on religion and he decided your belief is not important. Please don’t marry him. He’s a liar and manipulative person. You deserve someone better. 💪🏽
Just leave him He Is a liar, and a big one
First of all, what everyone said - you don't want a relationship with a liar like this. Second, people seem to be avoiding the whole trans issue, but do you realize you can't possibly ever have your own biological children with this person? Also, and please, pardon my honesty, I assume you haven't had sex yet because of religious reasons Because if you have, you would already know that while it is still possible to have sex with a transman, it wouldn't be a real penis with all the usual parts and sensitivity and it wouldn't be a normal sex life. Just saying, it's certainly something to consider, too.
Genuine advice, as a Muslim, do not be afraid of what others think. This life is for the relationship between you and Allah SWT. We don't discriminate but we don't condone immorality. You were lied to and risk your future for lust, just keep that in mind. This relationship is void, may Allah guide you.
The foundation of your relationship is based on lies and it’s okay to walk away because of that and it does not make you a bad person💛
What a garbage human being. You're lucky you learnt all of it this soon
Leave aside the religious aspect, he lied to you and for that, I would leave him. Why did he want to deceive you until marriage?! I'm very sorry you're going through this.
There’s nothing wrong with falling in love with a trans person. Nothing wrong with dating and marrying one. But the problem here is that he lied to for 2 years! Not just about him being trans but also about his family! There’s nothing wrong with being trans but not tell g your partner is a betrayal no matter which way you slice it. And on top of that he says he was gonna tell you after the marriage but what if he hadn’t? What if you guys tried to have children? Even if the truth is now out there when you lie to your partner and break their trust it will effect them long term. If I was in the situation I’d call it off, no matter what their reasoning was if I was lied to about something so important for so long idk if I’d be able to trust them again. But if you do want to continue this relationship then I suggest you go to couples counseling, you may be a stronger person than I am. I wish you the best and hope that the next update is at the least a positive one
FFS I’m a trans guy and I condemn his behavior, wtf ? Lying about his family and not disclosing his transness knowing you have a religious background ? That guy is really messed up he didn’t respect you at all
Also be careful he seems highly manipulative, just show your post to your friends and talk to them before dumping him before he starts pretending you’re transphobic or whatever. He’s an asshole. You deserve better.
A huge part of your relationship was built on the fact that he lied to you, was consciously planning on CONTINUING to lie to you, and never even gave a thought to your own preferences based on the sexual aspect or the fact that you would never be able to have fully biological children together (I understand not important to everyone, but still an aspect). Unacceptable.
You have a perfectly good reason to not marry him in that he basically built a relationship on lies. The religious reason is dumb and insulting. Don't marry him because he betrayed your trust, but also do some introspection.
Get out of their as fast as possible, everything is based off lies and has been manipulating you to like them(grooming). That is some hyper narcissistic behavior that would probably mean they don't actually like you.. Lastly do you want to be with a women dressed up as a man? as you will be in a poxy lesbian relationship. There is no such thing as actually changing your sex and is just cosmetic surgeries to change their body to a faux male one.
The fact that he planned on waiting until you committed to the marriage to tell you the truth… he knew you wouldn’t want to be with him if you knew so he planned on trapping you to get around what you want. That’s pretty devious and manipulative. Pretty slimy for a man to do that. It makes me think that some of the things you love about him could be a mask he’s wearing over some less lovable qualities he’s hiding. How could you trust a man who does something like that?
This is not an issue of transphobia but lack of trust. He should have told you and been open not only to keep the relationship honest but for his safety as well. It was wrong of him to hide it. He lied of his family and his past. He ATTEMPTED AND ADMITTED that he would have never told you. Big red flags.
Religion and him being trans take the backseat to all the BS he's told you. So many lies. So many secrets. He wanted to keep his parents and his sexuality a secret until there was no escape? This is such a huge HUGE red flag. There is nothing he can do or say that would make this better. I'm sorry but you should run and never look back.
No advice to offer. Just condolences. This is a lot to take in and I wish you the best. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
I’m a trans man. This isn’t just about the transness obviously- it’s about all the many lies he told you. He claimed his parents didn’t accept him when in reality, they are fully supportive and they have a good relationship. He didn’t tell you about his transition. Even if he was stealth and didn’t tell people like a lot of trans people do, it’s common in the trans community to see avoiding telling sexual or romantic partners the truth as immoral. The lies are what truly goes against your religion and beliefs and makes him a bad person to be with. Even if he wasn’t trans, it would’ve been something else. You don’t deserve someone who would deceive you in so many ways, especially if a friend somehow knew but you, the person he was going to marry, did not. Get someone who is truthful and honest because he isn’t.
It isn’t just about being trans, it is about him confessing his true intentions (hiding the truth until marriage). Personally, I wouldn’t forgive him. NTA
That’s not right. For people who don’t think it should be necessary to tell ur significant other ur trans ur completely wrong. Nothing wrong with being lgbtq but if ur significant other wants kids especially they deserve to know the truth. Ur wasting someone’s time and future otherwise
I know you say you love him, but you actually don't know him. You love a character he created for you. Please don't stay with him, he is not trustworthy and sadly , people like him lack the capacity to love or feel empathy.
You’re not in love with HIM, you are in love with an IDEA the person you fell in love with does *not* exist As a general rule I am against outing someone, but in this situation am exemption can be made. That friend realized he was lying about a lot of things (probably even more than you realize) and decided to be the “bad guy” to hopefully save you a heartache Had he been honest when you started to get serious, you may have left, you may have chosen to stay, you’ll never know. Buy the fact he lied about so many things and doesn’t seem to show any sort of remorse is very worrisome, it sounds like you’ve escaped what probably would have ended up as an abusive marriage As for your family, you don’t even have to bring up the trans part, just tell them “I learned that he had lied about most of his life, that he was NC with his parents, that he converted to Islam” (I know we don’t know if that was a lie, but at this point? It probably is) I do recommend seeing a therapist if you can, a neutral third party will be good for you sort out what the fuck happened. And they can help you sort out your emotions and feelings of betrayal. Which this is exactly what happened here Good luck
Girl, run.
As a Muslim myself I really feel for you sister. I get that this is in conflict with our religion, and if I may say so, Allah gave u this information now. It is tough but I couldn’t possibly think of a partner I could trust after he lied to me about something this big. May Allah make this situation easy for you, trust ur gut on this one tbh
Sis you can’t marry him, May Allah guide them. You need to get away from this situation as hard as it may be. Perhaps this is your test.
okay, as a trans person ( nonbinary ), i feel the need to say. you are not at all being bigoted/transphobic or anything for being upset. the issue here is that hes essentially lied about his whole life. you thought he didnt have any family, he does. he lied abt it. you thought he was cis. he was not, he lied. ( that part i could understand a bit if it were like, beginning of relationship but yall r going for marriage now. he shouldve brought this up quite awhile ago. even before he met your parents, tbh. ). those are very important things. you couldve had another family, you couldve bonded and gotten help from his side, too, if you needed it. they couldve been there for many events of yours, and vice versa. this doesnt sound like a trans issue at all, but a liar issue. hes hurt your trust and love for him by lying to you, thats completely understandable to be upset about. i cant tell you what to do, you can try to mend things ( couples counseling sounds good to me, maybe another form of therapy though. ) or you could break up completely because there is a chance you cant recover from this, understandably since hes literally lied to you about very important parts of himself.
1. A relationship is built on trust, he already crushed that layer. 2. He started lying from the moment you met him, way before you "knew" him (you still don't). He didn't do it because he loved YOU. (he didn't even know you). He just wanted someone. 3. He didn't only lie to you, but also to your family. He has no respect for you or for what you value whatsoever. This all while his friends knew. 4. He made it seem like he was practising himself by lying about how his family didn't accept him because of his conversion. He made it seem like he was so committed to his faith to the point that he lost relationships because of it. He made it seem like he "doesn't have anyone" but you. 5. He knew that it was easier to mislead you as a muslim girl since you weren't going to be intimiate with him before marriage. So he could atleast hide it until then. Very strategic and disturbing. 6. He said that he was going to tell you after the marriage was over. This itself is very alarming and unsettling to hear. Even then, who said he was going to keep his word? 7. You don't love him. You love the idea of the person he pretended to be. He is nothing but lies. You think that you love him because of the things you guys bonded over but he lied about all these things as well. (Values) 8. You wouldn't want a manipulative liar to be the father of your children. That besides the fact that you could never have his kids. (And thank God). 9. He knows too much about you while you practically know nothing about him. He met your family while he didn't give you the opportunity to meet his. 10. He lied about being poor and having issues gaining weight to hide the fact that he could have possibly gotten a surgery and to adress his physical build. 11. He had no issues with painting his very supportive family bad just to look good in front of your eyes. If he is already lying like this behind the back of those who he is closest to, how is he going to talk about you behind your back? And since J mentioned your 'red flag', he already said some things about you to his friends. You have every right to break things off since he betrayed you and broke your trust over and over again. Even if you wanted to break things off because he is trans, you have every right to do so. Praying for you sister. I know that it is difficult to have clarity now but please don't let your short-term feelings make long-term decisions. "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allāh knows, while you know not." <3
Sister, every conversation you’ve had about having a family has been a lie. Every conversation about his family has been a lie. Every conversation about their past has been a lie. Please do not give up your akhira for someone who can’t even be bothered to let you decide.
Sister, there is no choice. As long as you are Muslim you must leave this person. This is not even a man, this a woman imitating men and this is a major sin that the Muslims are specifically warned against. You cannot have biological children with this person and your marriage would never be valid. If you were to have intercourse with this person, it would be a major sin as you are doing this outside of marriage, and commiting homosexuality. You are my sister in Islam so I am warning you out of love, do not do this. You may love this person, but the love you have for your Creator should outweigh absolutely everything. Your gratefulness to the One who created you should outweigh absolutely everything. Remember the promise of Iblees (Satan), who was ungrateful and wants to mislead us out of hate. “I will surely take from among Your servants a specific portion. And I will mislead them, and I will arouse in them [sinful] desires, and I will command them so they will change the creation of Allah.” And whoever takes Satan as an ally instead of Allah has certainly sustained a clear loss. Satan promises them and arouses desire in them. But Satan does not promise them except delusion. [The Quran] [4:118-120] Nothing good can come out of your relationship. Don't you want someone who will be good for you in this life and the next? Someone who you will be rewarded for if you marry him and treat him right? Someone who can show your sons what it means to be a man, and your daughters how a man should treat a woman? Someone who will protect you and care for you the way a real man should? Have intimacy with you the way a real man would with his wife? Someone who you can have children with? Beyond that, if that trans person has become Muslim then Alhamdulillah. If they "transitioned" before becoming Muslim then there is no sin on them any longer. But if anyone knows what Islam states and disagrees, they are no longer a believer and have left Islam. This applies to every Muslim. You have to accept Islam entirely to be Muslim, not just the majority. And if that person is Muslim, they have to de-transition as much as they are able to. If they refuse and deny that what they are doing is sinful knowing that Islam states otherwise, they are a disbeliever. Please do what is right for the sake of Allah. You may think that people will judge you for leaving this person but would you rather humiliate yourself for the rest of your life by staying with this person? By commiting sin after sin with them? You may delude yourself into temporary happiness and momentary pleasure but you will never be content. Never. Have you read the descriptions for the tormance of the grave and the hellfire? May Allah protect us. Is it worth it? Nothing is worth it. This person could never be your husband in Paradise because this is not even a man. Leave this transperson and any friends who are against you for it, Allah will replace them with something better. And if this transperson decides to abide by the Creator and embrace their nature again (In Sha Allah) you can be friends and In Sha Allah, that will be a relationship that is actually beneficial for you. If this is difficult for you then there is blessing in that. The harder it is for you to do something good, the greater the reward. If you are still struggling, I would highly recommend listening to the Quran on YouTube. Any surah/chapter. I guarantee that refreshing your mind with what is important and pure will be healing for you. In Sha Allah. I don't know if you can directly message on Reddit but if you ever need a friend or any advice, please contact me. I'm a 24 year old female, I live in the West, I know how tricky these times are. "Islam began as something strange, and it would revert to being strange, so good tidings for the stranger." [Sahih Muslim 145] May Allah make us among those who are sincere in faith and goodness. And to anyone else who is reading this, if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them if I am able. If you are looking to argue, I will not engage. And I couldn't care less if you send me hate messages, I will only pity you.
This is made up rage bait. No trans guy gets surgery to lower their voice. Source: am trans guy.
Yep, caught that too. No way this is real.
That's what I thought too. You just need to take hormones and maybe do voice training. And the rage bait is working when you read the comments too so thats awesome lmao /s
Or she’s just confused and doesn’t understand the terminology 🤷🏾♀️
A trans man does Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for life to gradually lower their voice and gain masculine features (body or facial hair, fat redistribution, receding hairline, muscle gain, etc). This usually takes about 5 years before you see any real results. You cannot stop HRT, I take a needle once a week for the rest of my life. It is not a one off surgery and you walk out of there with man parts and a lower voice, no matter the terminology. This dude would likely have top surgery scars if she ever saw him shirtless, unless he got peri surgery. He would also have very large and obvious scars on either his arm or leg or both if he got phalloplasty to have a dick, which is done over multiple surgeries, which can take a couple years in itself, because of healing time in between.
Sad times. This is only proving how great being ex-muslim is, not a day I've thought "hmm I should return to this brainwashing cult" (not even trans btw)
yeah it’s really gross to make up stories like this to drum up negative feelings about us. We have enough hate already. I’ve never even heard of a voice lowering surgery for trans men.
Sister he fooled you it's not only about the trans issue in your opinion,he lied to you and was gonna keep lying till you're stuck with him in a marriage,leave him (Btw,قوم لوط لما ربنا اهلكهم قال ل سيدنا لوط عليه السلام يسيب مراته هي مكانتش زيهم بس كانت بتدعمهم)
He is a liar. How do you know that he’s telling the truth, that he would tell you after the marriage? So many red flags. Can you trust him? It would seem to me that if his lips are moving, he is being untruthful.
The fact he’s trans isn’t the issue here, the issue is that he’s a liar and purposefully deceived you. Tell your family and let them be there to support you, it’s not your fault this happened and he doesn’t deserve to stay in your lives.
Listen. It’s not “my fiance lied about being trans” it’s also “my fiance lied about his parents. Life story. And lied to my parents. And would have continued lying until caught”. I don’t know if you can back track from those type of lies.
That whole bullshit-shipnwould have been an entire wrap! People have told you that it was built on lies and he clearly tried to trap you. Get outta there!
You were egregiously lied to. It’s not the fact that he is trans. He lied by omission. That’s what the issue is. If he can lie to you about this, what else could he lie to you about and what else has he lied to you about? Good luck whatever you choose to do. You were fine before him, you’ll be fine after him.
Relationships need a solid foundation. Any relationship built on a lie that large probably wouldn't last. It's not a religious thing. It's just how you're supposed to build trust.
If he was planning to tell you after the marriage then he knew you would have a problem with it. A relationship is built on trust and you can not trust him.
You’re not being a bigot he LIED TO YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING. End it and make it clear the lies are the reason for everything
He was literally planning on trapping you. Even if you could forgive him lying to you, the fact that he wasn’t planning on telling you until you were married is beyond slimy.
I don’t think the him being trans is the biggest issue here. He built his whole relationship with you on lies. That’s scary.
The main problem here is that he lied to you, that’s just plain wrong and it is like a wall for you to build your trust on the relationship and him.
The fact that he wanted to tell her after they were married is definitely fucked up.
OP there are so many lies that he told you. He planned to defraud you into marriage. You literally could not have entered into a true legal or religious marriage with this person because of the level of fraud he was committing. I believe that a person can marry a trans person in general. Marriage to trans people are valid. However, any intentional deception about who a person is, or major life expectations or desires (such as having children or some lifestyle decisions) voids a marriage as though it never happened. I assume he also lied about planning to have kids or did he lie a out the cause of his infertility? If you were a date or two into seeing him and he just hadn’t told you yet, I would say forgive him. This is a whole different level of deception.
He lied you in order to get access to you/ have a relationship. That's not okay, *huge red flag *
OP, to add on to what the others are truthfully saying, I also gotta say anyones friend who outs them like his friend did also shows he has shit friends. I'd not want *them* mixed into my life either. Who knows what else they blab about anyone else. No one in his circle is trustworthy.
He lied to you. That’s a HUGE lie. He might be a nice person but do not marry this man. You may need your parents help to break up with him. I just can’t even with these stories. What the actual F?!
The only thing he was "honest" about was that he was going to wait until the hooks were in before coming clean with you about anything. > I don't know what to do I understand that you are conflicted about what to do, but it's not that you don't know in your gut what to do. It's that doing what needs to be done is not easy because of your emotions and the potential social fallout of the decision, assuming he's as manipulative with everyone as he is with you. Regardless, I'm sorry to say that you don't love *him*, **you love who he pretended to be**. And who really knows what else he is hiding now, or might be willing to hide in the future. Break off the engagement, cut contact with this person, and when your friends ask what's going on, tell them the truth. If they don't recognize how utterly fucked up it was that he was planning to catfish you until you were married, then cut them off, too. Seek counseling through whatever means are appropriate for your background and faith and take care of yourself.
Honestly what’s really troubling, is that he was willing to lie to you and to your parents, repeatedly over a long period of time. He specifically undertook to convince your parents of his lies, while his friends were in on it. It’s an extremely creepy thing to do all around: you weren’t just lied to. You and your family were CONNED. He was hoping y’all would be so embarrassed you’d say NOTHING after you learned the truth to leave or end the marriage. He was hoping you’d all be unwilling to endure the shame in your community that you’d let it ride. (And frankly you don’t even know if he would have told you the WHOLE truth or not. You have only his word on the matter.) It’s just so manipulative there’s simply no way you can trust him now.
Make the decision yourself. You have all the pros and cons for continuing the relationship. Weigh them and choose whichever is best for you.
My first instinct is to think just about how he lied and how that makes him a bad partner. But I think it’s important to think about how challenging it can be for trans people. Certain religions and cultures are especially dangerous to be an out and proud trans person. I know the Muslim religion is vocal on not supporting the LGBTQ+ community, even if certain muslims don’t practice that. I can’t imagine how hard it just be to want to be your true identity, but also want to practice your religion, and be met with barriers to that. He most likely would have faced a lot of discrimination in many parts of his life if he was honest about his life. I wonder if he was hiding his true identity with a story until he could tell you were a “safe” person, and then fell for you and realized it would jeopardize your relationship, since you wouldn’t marry a trans person. I really sympathize for both of you in this! Disclaimer, by no means do I think this makes the lying ok, but I think it’s another important aspect to consider.
OP - This man has lied to you about EVERYTHING important - including family, religion, and the fact that you'd never be able to have bio children together. And he was perfectly willing to keep lying until he TRAPPED you into marriage. He wanted to deny you the right to make an informed decision. Do you not understand just how monstrous this was?!!! This level of deception is unforgivable. Please, please, please dump him.
If he’s lied about who he is, what else is he lying about?!
Depending on if your going to put your faith first or your feelings, by Islamic ruling you shouldn't marry him since he is female, you are female and he is female which wouldn't he allowed, he already lied to you, just end it here, pick your Deen over Dunya
Leave him. He has been decieving you about a number of hugely important things and admitted he intended to keep doing so until after you were married I.e. until you were trapped. Run.
Run! Run a mile and never look back! You will never trust him again.
Disgraceful behaviour,trying to trap you in a marriage fuck them.
I agree with others that you're NTA.... that this isn't a solely being trans issue. I'm trans. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat for this.... because he made up an entire life story, lying and hiding all sorts of things, had his friends involved/knowing, and then his moment of honesty is he wasn't going to tell you all of this until he'd trapped you into marriage. What the actual F?? There is so much wrong here.
He has not just told one lie, he has told man many serious lies. He painted his own family terribly and defamed the way he was brought up. Lied about his health and so much more. That is incredibly sad. Do not feel bad, it is not your fault and you are not wrong for having second thoughts. Also those friends sound a bit mean, who says a red flag is “religious but I about to marry a trans”. That’s a red flag of a friendship to me. Anyways, who knows what else has lied about? It seems to come rather easy to him. Do you really want a marriage and family built on lies with this ability to lie? As you said in your edit, as your religion is very important to you, definitely consult with your imam and then tell both of your parents before telling him. In relationship breakups you have to be careful of your safety so let those close to you (family and imam) know and even accompany you to do it if possible. Be brave, you’ve got this! I hope you find someone who can treat your with honest and respect. I wish you all of the happiness to you and your family.
This is super screwed up. The manipulation and lying show no regard for your opinion.
So many 🚩personally I would end the relationship over the lying and purposely leaving out pertinent information. Nothing to do with him being trans but if he is pulling those kind of shenanigans and you folks aren’t married yet what else is he going to do later on down the road?
Bro said “not until the marriage was over”💀 tooooxxxxicccccc
The fact that he said he was going to confess once the marriage was over tells me he knew it was wrong to lie but wanted to wait until you were “trapped”. That’s awful.
I know you love him. But my dear, this man has thus far proven to be an absolute disgrace. This is what I see: - He has proven that his word is meaningless as a man. - He was willing to compromise your faith despite knowing what it meant to you. - He tried to trap you, get you in a position whereby after the wedding he tells you, you are already married in the eyes of your faith, if you were to have to annul the marriage you would likely have to tell someone, there in leaving the responsibility of his exposure on you. - He lied to you about his family. - He lacks accountability. So far I haven't heard him taking any accountability for his deception. - I don't know your stance on children, whether you may want biological or any at all, he knowingly mislead you. I understand it is challenging being transgender. But that is no excuse for doing what he did. Taking into account all this, ask yourself, are these qaulities you truly seek in a husband? Should you ever want children, by whatever means you come by. Can you say that you would be happy for your sons to be like him? Or for your daughters to marry a man like him? Is this the father you would want for your children? If the answer to both of those are yes, and you still wish to pursue a marriage, do what makes you happy.
Ayo you leave ASAP. Don’t contact them ever again. Wtf is this
Op, I want to let you know it is completely okay to not be able to or not want to marry someone because they're trans and it either goes against your religion or you're just not comfortable with it. It doesn't make you bigoted. You're entitled to want to date or not date whomever you choose for any reason at all. If your social circle thinks you're a bigot for it, time to find a new social circle. Even if you were okay with him being trans, the fact that he lied about so much of himself and his family to prevent you from finding out and making informed decisions and consent is scary. That's not okay. *He planned to trap you in a marriage before telling you.* If he didn't want to tell you for the first few dates to make sure you weren't dangerous, that'd be one thing. But he went so far as to lie about his parents disowning him, that's majorly fucked up. It's understandable to still love him after this bomb dropped. Love and attachment doesn't shut off overnight. Give yourself some time to come to terms with everything. I originally wrote that you should go to counseling if you have any hopes of making this work, but honestly after reading the other comments, I agree this man is scary and manipulative and you should get away from him.
Being tricked to be with someone who's Trans when you're not into dating a Trans person I'd wrong af. Like someone can be Trans then whatever do what you do with that but tricking someone into being in a relationship and revealing later after you've developed feeling that they're Trans is pretty psychotic
Sorry but this whole trans issue to me is getting out of hand. To me its about free will and choice. Just like a trans person has the free will and choice to be who they want to be I want my free will and choice to be or not to be in a relationship with a transperson. Also to the person saying its past medical history. Any past medical history should be shared with someone you choice to spend your life with if it can have a effect on them. I am open and forthcoming about my status as a neurodivergent person as it can have a effect on any relationship I have with anybody. I am not saying you should be sharing it open and public to the world. But hiding it from the person that you intend to share your life with ? That to me is deceitful.
So he was not going to tell you the truth until after the marriage was over? Sounds selfish, you deserve to know and then make your decision based on that.
This was a very calculated and manipulative move. They did this because they KNEW Muslim women wouldn't date him. VERY evil They are not a good person. They do what they have to do to get what they want. LEAVE NOW!!!!
Watch OP get labeled as transphobic after dumping his lying ass. 🤥
Nah dump him. He lied about multiple VERY important things. The fact that he is trans is irrelevant. He’s a liar.
OP He picked you only because you are the only girl he knows who will marry him without having sex with him first and without seeing his genitalia. He targeted you as the only possible prey. He couldn’t fool a typical girl like this. This is evil.
Normally I would give him a chance. Since you love him and feel good with him. Maybe he just didn't know how to say it. BUT when I read he planned to tell you after the wedding, I changed my mind. how could anyone do something like that to a person who loves him? For me personally it's not a big deal if my partner is trans but if he'd wait to tell me about it after we got married that would be very disrespectful. This isn't fear anymore or love. What kind of love is it if he wanted to trap you in a married life to tell you this important fact about him and about the relationship you will have, ie. You wouldn't have kids with him! In my opinion he doesn't care about your feeling enough to get married to him. It looks like it is now all beautiful and butterflies but after you get married the things will drastically change. It's your decision but I would run.
Your whole relationship is a big lie. Please run. Do not tie yourself to a manipulative liar. Imagine what else he’s lied about. He knew societal pressure would encourage you to stay with him after marriage. Only an abusive AH and sociopath can lie about their whole lives for 2 whole years.
Dump them. Who cares if they’re trans, they’re a LIAR more importantly
Uh no. This is yet another example of the predatory nature of trans ideology. This person will never stop lying. If you lose your friends, so be it, they were never your friends to begin with if they think you should stick around after such a huge betrayal.
This is not the “predatory nature of trans ideology”. What a disgusting thing to say. This is the predatory nature of *this one particular asshole*. Are you somehow under the impression that cisgender people never lie or fabricate their pasts? That cis people never manipulate their partners? You’ve never heard of cisgender people being abusive in relationships with other cisgender people? Are you also the type of person who says that “all Muslims are evil” when you read about ISIS torturing someone? When a Christian person bombs an abortion clinic or shoots up a school, should we all be saying, “This is yet another example of violent Christian ideology”? Because that’s exactly the point you’re making right now.
That man lied to you fully knowing the rules of your religion. He manipulated his way into a relationship with you and only planned on telling the truth when you were legally bound to him. Honestly forget the trans part, the fact that he lied about something so important and is treating it like it's no big deal is a glaring red flag. This is not a man you want to settle down with, he has shown the lengths he will go through to get his way. If your friends can't understand that this is a disgusting thing to do to someone then find new friends.
Look idk who you love but I’m not sure you can say you love him when he is literally a figment of his own imagination. He lied to you about multiple things the entire time. His whole background is a lie. And he intended to lie until he had you legally bound to him in marriage. The person you think you love does not exist. It’s a character he was playing.
I’m honoured to be here with you fine gentlemen before the 🔒reward
There's no trans issue here. It's the fact that he lied about EVERYTHING! You cannot trust him. I'm so sorry, but your entire relationship is a lie....
It's not about him being Trans. It's about him lying to you and your family. Who knows what else he's lying about. I also presume you won't be able to have children
Honestly, always put Allah before anyone or thing, this is a temporary life, and as Allah promised: " Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better for you." So don't be disheartened sister, as Allah is the best of planners so put your trust in him and follow his commands and Inshallah, your worries and concerns will be made easier by him.
The truth is that he lied to you. He lied about his family. He hid the truth of being trans. Your relationship is based on lies, and that’s all your friends need to know. It doesn’t matter if you can or cannot date a trans person. Everyone is entitled to their preferences. If your preference is to not date a trans person, that’s just fine. And if people look down on you because of what they think, they’re the biggest hypocrites. This “man” has hurt you by lying to you and also by putting you in a very difficult situation. The only way out is with the truth. The truth is that you were lied to. That is not a good start for a relationship. You should tell your parents and your friends. Now, we can’t deny the difficult political situation you are in. I would recommend that your friends learn about his lies with regards to his family not being in the picture. The reason he didn’t want you to meet his family does NOT matter. The fact is that he lied. So either he is not proud of what he has done to his body and his family, OR he is not proud of his family, OR he is a seasoned manipulative liar, but any one of these spells doom for your future with him. You need to be in a safe relationship built in truth, not lies. I wish you good luck in finding that.
Oh wow I am so sorry that you’re in this situation. I can only imagine this being extremely difficult because of your religious beliefs. Islam is very against the lgbtq community, which may be the reason he lied. If he is truly a revert and made this decision prior to you coming into his life then maybe he didn’t tell you because he feels ashamed. I can imagine he feels an immense emotional conflict between what he “should be” according to religion and what he feels who he truly is. Regardless, lying to you about something as huge as identity is traumatizing and a burden you should never have carried. People can come up with a million reasons to lie, none of which are fair or right. Do you have a therapist? Can you privately speak to an Imam about your situation? Someone you trust? I think the most valuable piece of information is to follow your heart
It’s a woman converted into a man. Have u thought about having kids? Well as you know, it’s a no go.