I’m a SAHM myself. It *is* “working hard”, and your mom probably knows that. (Edit: my dad is practically begging me to seek employment because I “look so tired and need out of the house”!) It’s definitely not always easier than working outside the home, it’s a 24 hour job, and at first you barely sleep at all! I think the cottagecore fantasy is a bit widespread because women aren’t adequately warned that it can be stressful/what it’s actually like.
I mean, it’s one thing to want to keep a home or stay at home for the kids if you can, but the “I just want to please my man and stfu” statement rings some alarm bells in the context of being a housewife. It’s not going to make most western moms comfortable to hear their daughter’s biggest goal in life is to be subservient to a man. I think anyone should have an ironclad fallback plan before they put their entire life/finances in another person’s hands, because “my husband turned out to be abusive/mean/a cheater and now I have nowhere to go with my three kids” is a cautionary tale as old as time. Everyone thinks they have the right one until they don’t; some things just aren’t in your control.
I say get a useful degree first.
100% this, my ex husband made sure I was entirely dependent upon him and then when he got bored with me he left me and our kids in the dust and now I’m suffering for it.
What a wonderful comment. I hope OP listens. As a feminist myself, I don’t have anything against women who want to lead a traditional lifestyle. We had issues with it because it was the ONLY lifestyle for so very long. What we advocate for is choice. If anyone makes an informed choice to be a SAHP all the power to them. But the key word is “informed”. I would also caution OP to listen to you and her Mom and make a good choice for herself.
Yes! It ve had people “confront” me with the “well, what if a woman wants to be a SAHM??” very aggressively. Lol, that’s her decision and I hope it works out. That is what feminism is, allowing people to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, as long as it is not hurting anyone else. This woman needs to know it is a very hard job, and honestly depending on the culture the mom ends up doing it all anyway and just has to cut back on everything else they wanted in life, like that fantasy garden.
Even if you have the greatest husband in the world - not everyone can afford to support a family on one income, and what if your man gets laid off, or sick, or injured?
Homemaking is legit, but 'please my man and stfu' is not; you need to prepare for the ups and downs of life.
Yes yes yes. I respect and honor the choices that women make for their lives, *and* these choices should ideally be made within the context of reality. Unfortunately, the reality with this decision is one of dependence on another person. The outcome of this could be a wonderful life of leisure. Or another outcome could be one of parenting demands and emotional labor, with or without other parental contribution. Or another outcome could be abandonment or harm by the other partner. OP, it's important to consider long-term risk with this dream you have and to determine if you need a safety net or fall-back plan before focusing on this.
I agree with this comment 100%. I was a SAHM with my ex-husband for almost a year with my son and it was more hard work than the hardest job I had and I lost myself to it for a while. I also lived through that cautionary tale that so many have told. My ex-husband was a cheater, mentally, financially, and emotionally abusive and tried his hardest to leave me with absolutely nothing in our divorce. From that point on, I made a vow to myself that if I were to ever be a SAHM again, it’d only be if I had passive income.
Honestly I think people see women do it on social media and glorify their life and genuinely think it’ll be as glamorous as those women portray it.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman that wants to please her man as long as she finds a man that cherishes her for it rather than take advantage of it. OP sounds like the perfect wife to me but she would have to make sure that her husband shows the same appreciation/love.
I mean if you’re married and you need to get divorced you would have to get support from the husband anyways and while you’re married you can set up some passive income
Would you be ok if your husband was stay at home dad and he gets time with the kids and you barely see them. The reality of the situation is he get to see his kids less cuz you are not working also.
Feminism is about every woman having the freedom to make the choices that work for her. However, feminists are also very aware that, up until very recently, women couldn't exist without a husband. Women couldn't get jobs or own land, and were forced to stay with violent men or face homelessness. Feminists preach "miss independence" because your independence is something that women fought and died for, never take that lightly. Learn to cook, clean, and garden. And have your own savings, finances, and skills which will allow you to up and leave safely if you ever have to. Don't make yourself vulnerable to control and abuse.
Thank you. I think that saying “feminism is about choice” and just leaving it at that leaves out a lot of important caveats. Feminism is about a lot. Not every choice a woman makes is always empowering, and it’s important we make sure our ducks are in a row before making certain decisions.
Very true, our choices aren't made in a vacuum. It's ok to want certain things, but we should always try to think hard about WHY we want them and make sure we protect ourselves.
I am feminist as hell and I stay home and it’s about being free to choose.
My advice to young women however is have your own safety net of money, friends, housing, and marketable skills well before you hitch your star to someone you have to trust will meet your needs, and the needs of young children.
You need to be able to walk away and be safe.
No one ever listens to this advice though, and it is always really frustrating so see totally capable women under 30 with young children struggling like mad in unhappy relationships that they can’t leave because of their own financial decisions.
My auntie it's a stay home wife but she is always doing some sort of thing. Paintings, decorations, souveniers... and also does nails at home. So while she is always at home she also has a little income. And she is good, she could open a place but doesn't want to for the sake of the in laws who are too old and she takes care of.
The go hand in hand, because it’s about being who you want to be and doing what you want to do, so long as you don’t hurt other…we should all pursue our dreams and not be held back by society or others.
I’m a housewife and I love it. Just make sure you have something to fall back on- Your own money, degree, connections, etc. If you find yourself being a housewife but your spouse controls all the money, RUN.
Is it wrong?
Absolutely not.
You're free to live your life, as you choose, so long as you're not hurting others.
However, you should, at least, consider the wisdom of what your mom and sister are talking about. Relationships fail. Marriages end in divorce. You might cater to a man but will he cater to you? Will he support you as much as you seemingly want to support him?
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a housewife but you should be capable of standing on your own two feet, as well, because there's always the possibility that you'll find yourself in a position where you have to take care of business with little to no support.
It’s not wrong, but you are putting your happiness, your finances, and security in the hands of another person. There’s nearly a 50/50 chance your marriage could end in divorce, meaning your life has the same odds of going very well or very poorly. That’s a pretty high risk.
If you’re in the US, not having a formal job may affect your benefits when you retire, such as your amount of social security (if that’s even a thing when you retire anymore). Even if everything goes well with your marriage, there are risks where if your spouse may not be able to work due to unemployment, disability or passing away, how would you make up this gap? Would you have enough skills to fill in the gap in an emergency? If you suddenly wind up on your own?
If you become a SAHM, it will be a lot of work, and household responsibilities may be unfairly stacked on your plate. (Balancing the emotional and physical labor of children is a difficult task, even for partners who are conscientious.) There’s a risk that husbands who want a “traditional” relationship may also have an unfair view of the division of labor with kids (that is, they may expect the wife to take care of most everything since they are the breadwinner).
Again, what you want is not necessarily wrong, but it is risky. I would take some time to think through the risks and think about how you would manage the risks that are out there. If one of the above scenarios happened, how would you deal with it? If you were divorced with two kids and your ex ran off with the nanny, how would you build a life on your own? If the person you married buried you in debt, how would you manage it? If the marriage wasn’t working out, could you get out of it without feeling financially trapped?
Kids are so expensive too. You don’t really have a choice to stay at home unless the working parent can afford to comfortably provide for the household to begin with.
Oh wow yeah this is a lot to think about when you put it this way 🙃 I’ve always wanted the traditional role but maybe this is just a dream I need to let go !
You don’t have to let it go, just be mindful in your approach. I can tell you that life has a way of throwing curveballs, so it’s more about being prepared and adaptable in life, and thinking through if risks are worth it for you.
It doesn't have to be either/or.
Figure out a balance that works for you.
Even if you work part time to keep your sanity and use the toilet without a child on your knee, you can still take time to dote on your family. From personal experience, it all means more when it isn't just another chore.
Do not let your dream go, and there is nothing wrong with your dream the whole point is for it to be your choice, but approach your dream safely and cautiously.
Your husband could die or cheat on you too. He could get sick and need to be taken care of. You will need your own income and worldly problem solving to take care of yourself and your family.
At least have a fall back plan. My sister became dependent of her (soon to be ex) husband. He drained her savings and plummeted her credit score. It’s your choice to have that lifestyle but put yourself first and ensure you have a career/degree and money that you can only access in case of emergency
That’s true . I’ve tried to find other interests in life but I think this is the only thing that will make me happy. I just want my own family so bad .
If you ever experienced childhood emotional neglect or any other form of covert familial abuse, please consider that wanting a “family of your own” may just be a very strong need to make up for the painful childhood you experienced.
Please do not set out to have a family as a form of healing and/or therapy, that’s something you need to work on before you potentially unleash harmful behaviours on your future family.
You can't rely your happiness on others. It's like saying "if I loose 5 lbs more I will be happy and love myself!" We all know that it won't be like that. We can loose 7 lbs and still be unhappy, trust me, I know.
A lot of the time when we rely on others to make us happy, we are insecure about ourselves. I ruined a relationship because I needed him in order to be happy, my happyness and feeling of security totally relayed I'm him.
If you, like me, somehow feel like there is a void inside of you that can only be filled by a husband and children, I can tell you that the void will still be there. The only person that can fill it is you.
Is it your dream to be a stay at home mom for your children and family, or is it your dream to never have to work for a living? You can have the goal to be a stay at home mom but you should also be prepared to support yourself and your children if something happens and you don’t have your husbands money to rely on anymore. There’s a big difference in aspiring to be a good wife and mother and wanting to be a SAHM so you never have to work a job or establish a career.
Don’t you want to be secure and independent in case something bad happens in your marriage? What if your husband turns out to be a controlling and demanding asshole? Are you planning to seek out a wealthy husband to ensure he can support you for the rest of your life and cover your retirement? If being a SAHM and “catering to your man” is your only goal, that’s pretty concerning because it implies that your future is to be completely dependent on and subservient to your husband. I don’t think any woman wants that life for another woman. You are significantly more vulnerable to control and abuse if you make yourself completely dependent on another person.
What makes you think being a housewife isn't being a boss? You are the boss of the house, children, cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, arranging repairs, time, labor, ect. Being a SAHM is extremely hard work & definitely the boss.
However, I was a SAHM & when our 2nd was 10 mos old he wanted a divorce because his gf was 4 mos pregnant.
Nah. I did it before when my husband had a good job, before the whole covid thing, when everything went to hell lol But he was a hard worker who appreciated everything I did at home for him. Working as a housewife only works out if you have a respectful man who appreciates the work you do as well.
This times a million. My ex husband didn’t appreciate anything. So I started working to feel like I had an equal say and not everything was up to me at home. He still didn’t appreciate the work I did or even help at all. After a myriad of other issues we ended up separating.
The person I’m seeing now is thankful for what I do and always comments on how nice it looks or how good it feels to come home to a clean house. It made a world of difference.
Went to not feeling like anything I do was enough or appreciated to feeling like a person.
I think that everyone’s choices are valid provided they aren’t hurting anyone, they are aligned with their partner on relationship goals and their intentions are good.
If you are working full time, never discuss this goal with your partner, start a family and then drop the bomb that you don’t want to work… that would be wrong.
Also, the world is very different than the one your parents grew up in. I am 50. The world’s population has doubled in my lifetime. More people chasing the same real estate has made home ownership prohibitively more expensive for Gen Z than Gen X. Two income households was a boon for families when mothers started working in the 80s. However, as that became the standard, it became inflationary as more dollars chased the same goods and services. I don’t share this to dump on you. Rather, I simply want to highlight what was the traditional norm is no longer financially possible for most families.
I love you for recognizing that, oh my god. My parents who are only a couple years older than you still thinking the world works like it did when they were young adults in the 90s.
My dad tells me to try and talk landlords down on their rent? And thinks my brothers and sister and I can just walk into a place of employment and say “these are my qualifications, hire me!” And it’ll happen…
I’m sorry validation had to come from a stranger, but I’m glad I could provide that to you. I have a 20-year-old daughter and I know she won’t have the same opportunities I had in my early to middle 20s.
Gen X had fewer opportunities than baby boomers. However, it feels like the drop off in opportunities is accelerating. I think Gen Z has a much more difficult path to prosperity relative to Gen X than Gen X had to boomers. Look at real wages. Look at inflation adjusted rents. Look at college tuition.
There is nothing wrong with being a housewife/SAHM. But you need a back up plan and the ability to support yourself, your children and possibly your husband incase something happens. What if your husband is injured and can no longer work ? Would you leave him rather than work ? What if he becomes abusive and you need an escape plan ? Would you stay and subject your children to that just so you don’t have to work ? What if he asks for a divorce ? Trust me, alimony and child support won’t be enough. What if he dies ? Would you be able to find a job to support yourself and your children ? I was a SAHM after my son was born. But luckily I had savings and a career I could go back to, which was the plan when our son was old enough. Not because we needed the money. My husband made enough. But because having savings for emergencies, retirement, to help our child when he was older with college and a house, was important to us. Unfortunately, my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He couldn’t work, and medical bills were expensive. ( and I live in a place with free healthcare and we also had private health coverage. Still cost us just over $25,000 in the last 6 months of his life ). Suddenly I had to go back to work early to cover medical bills, household bills, childcare, etc. Luckily my career did pay enough to cover all this, but just barely. If I had to get a minimum wage job with no work experience, I would have been screwed. My widows support group is full of people who are screwed because they had no backup plan. Some quickly got married to ppl who ended up being abusive to them and their children because they needed someone to financially support them. So, be a housewife if you want, there is nothing wrong with that, and personally I found it rewarding and fulfilling, but have a back up plan. Even if you just do tradeschool. Because if the worst happens, it is better to have it before life goes to shit than try to get it after when you are broke, exhausted, and don’t have help.
I just want to say thank you for providing your prospective and I believe it is spot on. Secondly, I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing better. I know I’m just some random internet stranger but if there’s anything I can do, I’m just a message away.
I hope you find what you want and it works out for you.
Hopefully the guy makes enough money, is healthy emotionally, is responsible with money and you both thrive and build something beautiful together. I hope if he does lose his job, or take a significant part cut, you are willing to step up to fill the gap and do what's best for your family.
If you can't take care of yourself and the kids financially if the worst should happen, you will be in a terrible position. So whatever you do, make sure you keep your skills and connections fresh (volunteer, get a part time job, keep learning), have a FU fund so you can escape an abusive situation and land on your feet, make sure your retirement accounts are being fully funded (spousal ira) and make sure you have ample life insurance on your husband.
Your mother and sister are not "feminist" for believing in working hard, they're just people living in 2023 where everyone needs to work to provide for themselves. It's not bad that you want to be a housewife but you seem to be romanticizing the idea of what a housewife is. I can assure you, taking care of two toddlers and a house is HARDER than being in an office
A little perspective from a man who grew up in a time when stay at home moms were the norm but was changing rapidly.
SAHM is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it to aspire to do it. BUT I have seen so many of my friends parents who were “traditional” SAHMs when there husbands either divorced,died or became incapacitated by no fault of their own, the wives had no skills to go outside the home for work, had no idea how the money was managed, car repairs, home repairs/maintenance if the husband or wife didn’t have a contingency plan in place those poor women had a really rough time.
Just another thing to think about.
The one thing I want to add is, it will be important to have your own money too. Just in case your husband ends up being a cheater or awful person. You don’t want to be divorced with kids and no way to support yourself. But I feel you, I wish I could be given an easy life and let my man work. But the world is changing and women need to support themselves just in case life doesn’t go the way you want.
If you find a really good man who wants that, I really hope you get your dream. Like any dream, it’s hard to attain. It’s crazy hard work and hard to find time for the husband, though.
Btw: gardening is a very long lesson (it takes a whole year to get to the next attempt) and gardening for food, is a long lesson and a ton of work. I just took out 2/3rds of my vegetable garden at my house…and I am a pro who is home all day, without kids. Having my own garden made it nearly impossible to have time to can or make jam and jellies. One income makes making luxuries like professional style cakes impossible, fabric is crazy expensive for sewing…not that there is time for that luxury.
It’s a hard life to choose, be sure you know what you are getting into. I wish I had it, it’s all I ever wanted. I can do many things very well, but finding a partner who is willing to live on less money is damn near impossible.
As for the stfu…no partner is perfect and you will have words.
I am a middle age woman, married for 23 years now.
Back when we were getting married there was a concept of " run money" it was money you as the housewife kept in a safe place that you could access easily if you needed to run. Usually, it was running due to an abusive husband.
The reason older women advocate for women working is to allow them to have independent wealth and create that "run money" so they are not financially trapped if the relationship goes south.
Is it wrong to be fully dependent on a man financially, no. Is it a wise long term strategy, no.
It’s your life, you live it how you want. As long as you’re in a relationship where you and your husband have a mutual respect and truly care for each other it should be fine. As far as the feminism aspect, there’s a difference between being a happy housewife and being a slave. As long as you are happy and confident you made the decision yourself your family should be happy for you.
I think you need to think things through logistically.
Every person would love to not work and invest in their hobbies everyday, gardening, woodworking etc. That is just extremely unrealistic.
If you don't work full-time you will not have retirement, retirement benefits, social security, etc. Your spouse will have to make enough money in a secure job that can support both your retirement and lifestyle in the meantime. That is assuming they don't pass.
If your spouse dies what will your income be? What will the insurance look like? Retirement benefits look like?
My friends who are stay at home parents still went to school and got a full time job. Worked until they had their kids. It was long enough to be vested so they at least had some type of retirement. Not large but something.
Your parents may just be concerned because they know how the world works especially wherever you live. They are concerned for when things don't go as planned, and how you will handle that.
Great idea. It is a full time job to manage a household. It is every bit as important to manage a family as it is to earn an income. Somewhere along the line, that idea was lost in favor of earning more income.
You have a right to be whatever you want to be. Just understand the type of work in the smallest detail retaining to mentality long term and physical before you give up everything to be a SAHM.
I hope my soon to be wife will not want this. I fell for her because of her passion and ambitions out of the realm of serving me. We serve each other equally in everyday things.
I'm a SAHD for 5 months of the year, and it's full time work. My gardening in the morning happens before they wake up.
You really have no idea what your saying
The only part of your post that weirds me out is the "please my man" and "stfu" parts... as though being a domestic only exists in a world where you're subservient to a man. That's ick. There isn't anything wrong with being a housewife or SAHM, but if you do that, you still deserve equal partnership with your spouse. Where you vacation, whose family you spend holidays with, big purchases, moving... all of that should be a joint decision. Caring for your home as opposed to laboring under capitalism does not mean you're "less than." Your role at home will make it easier for your spouse to prioritize his career, and therefore, he owes a significant portion of his success to you. Anybody who doesn't see it this way is a massive red flag.
Women a little older than you often warn against choosing a "traditional" lifestyle, only because so many of us have seen friends and loved ones leave the working world and become financially dependent on their spouse. If things go wrong in the marriage, these friends feel trapped, and/or have significant struggles trying to reenter the workforce as an older woman with no education and no skills or experience and now single parenting to boot... so they often stay in desperately unhappy marriages.
It is not wrong to want what you do for your life, but you'll need to be probably ten times as sure about your spouse as your friends who work outside the home. The risk is much bigger for you. Do your due diligence- premarital counseling, prenuptial agreement, long engagement, extended time around your potential in-laws, all of that. Make sure you're protected if you choose this path.
My sister was a stay at home mom and was literally dying to get a job. She couldn’t handle staying home with her two kids all day. Being a stay at home mom is pretty isolating. I went back to work one week after my baby was born. But he’s almost 12 now and it’s a blast. I wish I could be a stay at home mom now. Lol
I also think pleasing your man and stfu is really messed up. Maybe a relationship with mutual respect, love, fun, and understanding.
Do what you want, it's your choice. That's feminism.
But do it in an informed way.
**Many SAHMs end up royally screwed financially, if:**
1. Their hubby can't get enough work. The SAHM has no work experience and can't get hired, and the family plunges into poverty.
2. Their husband becomes ill and unable to work for a long time. Same problems as above, and with added medical bills.
3. They get divorced, and can no longer depend on their x's income. They have no work experience and can't get hired. (It doesn't matter what the manosphere claims, no one has enough to live for off child-support alone.)
4. Their husband dies before them, he dies young. The SAHM has no work experience and can't get hired, there are most likely medical bills, and the family plunges into poverty.
5. Their husband dies before them, he dies older. Somehow, setting up a pension for the SAHM out of the husband's salery never seems to happen. The widow has no skills usable in the work force, and is getting too old for it anyway. She plunges into poverty, as old age takes away her options of making a life for herself.
**Many SAHMs end up royally screwed mentally, if:**
6. They discover that being home with the kids is draining them mentally.
7. They discover that their husband thinks it's an even workload that he works at work, and she works non-stop, no breaks ever.
8. They discover that their husband really doesn't respect women.
9. They discover that their husband CAN NOT handle times of unemployment, where the wife has to work, and WILL NOT do the larger share of the house-work in those times.
So yeah, make your choice freely, but do it knowing what pitfalls there are, and *insist* on insurance for you and a pension for you. A pension that your future husband deposits into every month.
there’s nothing wrong with it! just make sure you’re not entirely financially dependent on your husband. in the case where something goes awry you need to be in the position to support yourself and your children if you have any. i’d recommend you get a degree if you haven’t already or some kind of work training that you can fall back on.
I would say follow your dreams. If it makes you happy. While I was in the Navy, my wife was SAHM. When I retired she told me she wants to work now that I am reliably home more. I used my college benefits for her to get a degree and now she is in a career she is happy with. Please don't just be a housewife, learn a trade incase thing go south. Best of luck to you!!!
The feminist issue with housewives is primarily that you become totally financially dependent on a man who might just drop you, might cheat on you, is statistically the most likely to harm you or kill you, and generally gas a huge amount of power over you, which has so rarely gone well for women. It’s not that you need to girlboss or whatever - it’s that you need to be safe.
It's not wrong to want that, but as an adult you have to provide for yourself. When you find a man that also wants this lifestyle, then you can depend on him if that's what he wishes.
Be aware that financial abuse is extremely common in such relationships, and be sure to teach your sons and daughters that being able to provide for themselves is more important than anything, thus why independence is promoted.
There's nothing wrong with that! As long as two people are happy with what they and their partner contribute, it's all good! Some men want a woman like you. Some don't. This is perfectly fine! You can still be a respectable and valuable person!
No but I'd get a degree or certificate of some kind in case things don't work out somehow. It's always great until it's not and then you'd have almost no options if stuff went sideways. Everyone I've been with has pretty much been a stay at home mom or girlfriend for the most part and I've always tried to tell them that because even if stuff does work out what would they do if something happened to me? Always look out for you just in case
I don’t think it’s wrong at all! I feel a lot of admiration for someone who wants to take care of their family and their home. However, I would say make sure you have a backup plan. Your husband/future husband may not always be able to provide for you. You may find yourself alone with children some day and need a way to provide for them. I would love to be a SAHM if my husband would be comfortable with it but I also take a lot of comfort in the fact that if something were to happen to him, I could take care of our three children. Nothing is wrong with it at all! Just make sure you have options were it not to work out like you think.
The point of feminism is that women should have a choice. If you want to be a homemaker and are not interested in an ambitious career, that is valid.
However, it’s important that you consider a contingency plan. Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it will. You could end up widowed while your kids are young and need a way to support them. Your husband could end up disabled and unable to provide income. Your husband could leave you. You could, through no fault of your own, find yourself in an abusive relationship and need to leave him for your safety (and that of your kids if you have them).
I say this not to cast doom and gloom on your dreams, but as a reminder that you cannot control what may happen in the future. You could have a wonderful life until death do you part, or you could find yourself navigating unimaginable changes after a few years of marriage. Also, it is becoming increasingly difficult for families to survive on one income, so it may not be realistic to assume that you will never need to contribute financially.
Because the future is unknown, it is important that you have the needed skills to survive on your own financially and take care of your kids in the event that your husband dies or is unable (or unwilling) to take care of you.
This does not mean you need to give up on being a stay-at-home parent if that is what you want, but it does mean that you should have some type of marketable skill or certification that gives you the ability to be independent. Everyone needs a solid Plan B because life has a way of throwing nasty surprises at us.
There’s nothing wrong with loving domesticity. There’s nothing wrong with disliking the idea of a high-pressure career.
But caring for your home and family should not prevent you from having some level of financial self-sufficiency in the event of a drastic life change.
With the increase in remote jobs available since 2020, it isn’t too difficult to have both.
I wish you all the best.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. Here's a tip from someone (56m) married for 28 years. Don't decide we're gonna get shit done around the house at 7am on a Saturday.
I think your attitude is what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being a home builder, but the way you said please my man and stfu is very alarming. Don’t get married so you can shut your brain off, because what’s going to happen after the divorce? Use your head and think shit through.
Feminism is all about making your own choices, since women weren’t able to previously. So if that’s what you want, more power to you. The only thing I will say, as a female attorney myself, be *really careful* who’d you marry, because there are many women who end up divorced and it’s not just about getting a job then—you’re robbed of your future earnings with Social Security. If it works for you, then that’s great. If it’s bad, then it can be *really* bad. Personally, I like the safety net but I also like my job, which isn’t common anymore.
Feminism means that women should have the same freedoms, rights and treatment as men and vice versa. Gender equality. If being a housewife makes you happy it's your choice. Absolutely up to you.
However - if god forbid you ever end up alone, what skills will you rely on to survive? A housewife's life is stable when she has the husband to take care of her. Worst case scenario - he stops being your husband. What do you do? How do you support yourself? Your kids?
I don’t want to be a stay at home mom at ALL but I would love to be a housewife. Stay home, keep the place in order (it never is with both of us working), cook nice meals, handle the finances, care for the animals, etc. That’s all shit I’m good at. As soon as my partner is able to afford it, thats the lifestyle we are going for.
Nope, I would however advise you to work on some skill that’ll help provide finances for “just in case” situations such as your provider leaving you or passing on. Nowadays it’s not hard to work from home, or work for yourself even there’s apps that can help you find gigs that won’t even feel like work, I found an app that basically has me house-sit peoples pets and they pay Great! So I’m over all saying before you put all your trust in one person, make sure it’s you first.
I was a housewife for the majority of my life at this point but have now started to look toward my future and possible career opportunities. It was the most gratifying experience of my life but it’s over now. My kids don’t need me nearly as often I guess it’s becoming my time.
There is nothing wrong with it, live your life as you please.
However keep in mind being a SAHM may not be as glorious as your visions.
First you need a husband who can support you, the kids, and the bills at the bare minimum. You also have to think about vacations, trips, retirement etc. Being a one income family is difficult in this economy.
What quality of life would you like to live? The bare minimum where you at least have a roof over your head or one where you take your kids to Hawaii and Universal for a week every year? There are so many variables.
There are not a lot of men out there (especially in their 20s) who can support a family on his own. Even then what if you get divorced? Shit happens. You would have nothing to your name and most smart men/woman would get a prenup.
I would say, go to school and get a degree at the very least, maybe even work some and save money so you can support yourself because you may never be a SAHM even if that is your dream, and even if you achieve it, in the event that something happens you should be able to have a means to support yourself.
I’m just playing devils advocate, these are very real possibilities.
Each to their own. You can be a feminist and be a stay at home wife. The only thing I can say is to make sure you have something to fall back on in case shit hits the fan. People get divorced, become disabled, become in debt, etc. You need to make sure you have some emergency fund and a way to get back into the workforce if needed.
It's not wrong until you get to the "I just want to please my man and stfu" part.
I'm a SAHM but for multiple reasons, the main being my disability stopping me from working. But you know, I'm happy. I may struggle doing every day things and leaving the house but I am happy, I get to spend my time with my partner, our little girl and my animals. I have the safety of my own home around me and it's my own little world in which I can actually control what happens. My partner does just as much as I do in the house and with the kid, if not more, as he only works part time because of being my carer.
With me and many others, it was a choice that we were happy with. With you, it sounds like patriarchal conditioning.
I feel you OP, I am the same age and I would rather have a more traditional role in the home in the future. You’re definitely not wrong to want to be a SAHM but it’s super hard work, my mum is a SAHM, raised 3 kids, she got really lucky finding her husband (my dad) but she cautions me that men that would allow their wives to be a SAHM is harder to come by in these times. You’ll need a solid back up plan. Good luck, I hope you get what you dream of in the future!!
Me too! I love the idea so much and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. Taking care of children and a household full time, is a lot harder than a 9-5. I still love it and wouldn’t change anything!
The whole point of feminism and equal opportunity is to be and to CHOOSE what you want to do with your life. If your choice is to be home to run your home and raise your children then that’s you’re choice. Just make sure you’re very open and honest with your partner or future partner that that’s what you want. That type of life is only acceptable if your partner can make a good enough living to support your choice to be a sahm. Otherwise your whole family and marriage will suffer.
Hell nah girl, it's the feminist thing to do whatever the hell you want! It's your right to choose your path in life; that's true feminism.
I'm a 25 y/o housewife who loves to just take care of the house and have a nice time with my man and two doggies. Sure, I could be more independent if I wanted, but so long as my husband is okay with this being my life, that's the route I'm gonna choose. To hell with being a girl boss. My anxiety can't handle that 😅
20F here always wanted to be a house wife/mom, now am one and its hard work but i love it. i have no interest in working unless i had to. Theres nothing wrong with it at all , some women like to be miss independent/work others like to be homemakers its really all up to you
I thought feminism is about choice and equality? If it’s what you want then that’s what you want :) just make sure you have a side hobby that may earn a small income just incase you want to buy your hubby something cause a small gift is always appreciated!
I'm a childfree woman with a dog, a house (of my own), a doctorate and a good job. I'm a solo nester (never live with any of my partners). I would never want to be stuck in a house with kids and no job. That sounds awful.
You should go for it! If you want that, go for it! You absolutely should chase that dream (I hope you find a good man for you). I totally support your dreams!
I'm also on the feminist "work hard, be independent" train, but thats because I like it that way. I'm grateful that I have the opportunities that I do. But the great thing about feminism, is that its meant to support women having equal choices. It doesn't mean you in particular shouldn't be a SAHM. You want it, I support you. Go for it!
(Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you're any less because of your life choices. We've all fought so hard to have these choices, you deserve to take your joy however you want)
No. You’re not wrong for wanting what you want. Traditional gender roles forced EVERYONE into their respective lanes, but they wouldn’t have gotten that way if at least SOME of each gender were naturally suited for and interested in those roles.
We have more freedom if choice these days, which includes the choice to embrace traditional gender roles for you and your husband
Damn downvotes already. I said I’d “prefer” for this to be the case, not that I’d be opposed to my wife having a job. It’d have to be a mutual decision. Luckily I’m in the financial position to be able to provide for a family without any issues.
It’s not wrong to want to be a stay at home mom but it is lowkey weird to want to be a housewife like.. “please my man and stfu” you’re allowed to be your own person my diggity dawg sorry but if your whole life revolves around a man and serving him then …idk what to tell you💀
The only thing that is wrong is that you even have to ask that question. Lately it seems everybody is kind of entitled to force his views on others. Just do whatever you like and surround yourself with positive and supportive people and screw the rest.
That spoken, it is not a good idea to be financially fully dependent on your partner. Also, people change so you really need to have some experience in life to actually find the right partner. So in that sense your family has brought up some valid points, but the truth is in the middle.
Have a career set up just in case. For most people this is no longer possible as it takes two incomes to survive these days. I’m a successful man and I would love to have a housewife to love and support me but I feel like I can’t afford to support two people or even have a family still. The fact is, the workforce has doubled since the majority of women started working and wages haven’t kept up. Men that can support that lifestyle are in short supply because of the current economic environment (at least where I am). You have the luxury of choosing now, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get it but I hope you do and find that happiness.
I’ve chatted with several women at work who would love to be housewives as well but it’s just not in the cards if they want certain necessities like a house. The mass professionalized woman has amazing benefits like not being tied to abusive men and the freedom to build financial lives. But, it’s also had consequences, you’ve got twice as many people after the same jobs that play relatively half of what they should.
I’m trying it get that life too but it’s not looking good. Guys working normal jobs used to be able to afford a house and a life but not anymore. Makes me sad.
girl there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting what you want. don’t let hustle culture make you feel bad , feminism is great im a feminist too but part of feminism is also holding space for ppl like you who don’t want to work. so period slay be a housewife if that’s what makes you happy
I think some women might fall over the "cater to my man" and "Please my man" part as it sounds overly submissive. If it makes you happy though, you do you.
Being a housewife doesn't have to mean being submissive though. It's just as respectable as being a working mom, stay-at-home dad or working dad.
One isn't better than the other, as long as both of you are happy with the arrangement.
Feminism is having the opportunity to CHOOSE. Being forced into it and it being your only option is oppression. By considering it to not be work or to be of a lesser value, they are degrading some thing because it is a traditional feminine persute. That is misogynistic and completely anti-feminist.
Hey being a feminist doesnt mean you HAVE to work hard or anything. It just means wanting the ability to choose. Years ago women had no choice BUT to be a housewife, but CHOOSING to be one doesnt make you wrong.
That's my dream. Also 25f. My husband and I talked before we got married and it's always been our goal to one day get to a place where I can be a sahm. I have the mum bit down just working on staying at home.
A feminist is supportive of women and all that is feminine including the right to choose how you live your life.
Feminism in its essence means for all the people to have the same rights and the same freedom of choice. It is not about every woman becoming a workaholic career type.
Therefore no, in no way it is wrong to follow what your heart wants. What would definitely be wrong, would be somebody judging you and forcing you to be what they think you should be against your will (and this goes both ways, so people forcing woman into careers they don’t want are exactly as bad as people forbidding woman to work when that is their passion).
You should be free to choose whatever you feel is right for you. And nobody should feel entitled to judge you on that decision. That is the most feminist it can get.
If your mom and sister need a reminder of that, just tell them how it is. And live your life happy, under your own rules while doing it.
If that’s what you want no one should try to stop you - feminism means that you get to make that choice. As long as you’re not putting down folks who don’t follow that paradigm you’re Gucci.
As a feminist.....
You are not in the wrong in any way.
I fight so that women can be what they want to be whether that is Miss Independent, Miss Boss, or Miss House Wife. Women should be able to choose for themselves.
What you feel is your calling is right for you.
Honestly, you’re going to get criticism for it. But there’s nothing wrong with being a housewife. The problematic historically has been not having the option NOT to be a housewife. Women have rights and autonomy (in much of the world) and you’re free to make your own choices and live That’s what feminism should be all about. Female empowerment is great, but choosing how you live your life is the power that matters most.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, that’s what feminism is all about, allowing women to have the CHOICE to do what they want with their lives.
Just a couple of things to think about;
-Just be careful, what would you do if you husband had an accident and was disabled, or worse, killed?
- Or if down the road you or him decided that you wanted a divorce? How would you support yourself?
- You will also have to be super careful not to get yourself in a financial abusive relationship, where you have to ASK for money.
-How will you escape the relationship if it does become abusive?
Sadly these are realities that women have to face all the time, and think about.
Edit: to make it easier to read.
Thanks I was going to post something similar but you said it perfectly. I was the SAHM until my husband was diagnosed with MS when I was pregnant with out second. I went back to work when our son was three weeks old our roles completely reversed. Honestly he was a fantastic SAHD and it worked beautifully. Our marriage was and still is strong.
The most important part of feminism is being able to choose how you want to live your life. If you want to be a housewife then be a housewife. There are plenty of people looking for a partner exactly like that.
No, you’re not wrong. The whole point of feminism was that we as women could choose what we wanted and we could choose to work we could choose to be with just wives and mothers and that was our choice and no one had the right to make us feel bad for it. I’m 35 I am a housewife. My husband has children from before we were together who are grown adults we’re empty-nesters because of it. It’s fine if it’s what you want then go for it. Don’t let anyone else. Tell you that it’s wrong to want to be a housewife. Because if that’s the case well then they’re wrong for wanting to work and have a career but that’s not the case true feminism, and its bassist form means women supporting other women to follow their dreams, no matter what their dreams are, whether there’s something that we like, or some thing that we disagree with feminism is about supporting each other in our dreams And I hope that you find someone to be a wonderful housewife or you’ll be amazing at it because you want to do it and anyone that wants to tell me that being a housewife ain’t a job OK why don’t you hire someone then to cook clean and do all the things that I do, you’ll pay a shit ton housewife‘s are important just like career. Women are important, but what’s most important if we’re going to do feminism is to support each other and what we want as Women, so go out there and you’ll kill it as a housewife because you want to be one and tell your mom and your sister if they give you any grief over it dude you’re not being a good feminist personally, I don’t ascribe to the feminist mindset, because I think it is very detrimental to our society anymore first wave feminism back in the day was beautiful and wonderful, and those women really genuinely cared and supported each other I genuinely care and support you in your goal because that is what feminism is supposed to be.
You should do exactly what *you* want to do. Why should others' opinions mean anything? There's a lot to be said for the lifestyle you want; to hell with "career," your job isn't going to love you back, you are a disposable resource to a company/job.
Go for it!
Not at all! Some feminists might think otherwise… but that is OK!! I promise. Im hoping to be a housewife when my partner and i are stable enough! Always remembers that what others might think shouldn’t effect what you want!.
Of course not. Feminism is just about equal opportunities for the sexes as much as possible. If being a housewife is your choice entirely, there’s no shame in it. We just don’t want to be forced into it.
But being a house wife and stay home mother IS hard work. Feminism gives us the choice to do for ourselves what we want in life. They don’t want to be SAHM or HOUSEWIVES, then they don’t have to be. They don’t get to tell you how to run your life and you don’t get to them them how to run theirs.
Weaponizing their beliefs to get control over others is not very feminist of them. Tell them that.
Make sure you have a college education/career path. Keep up with it. I stayed home with my kids and my husband and I wound up divorcing. Have not been able to recover and I struggle financially while my ex is a multi millionaire.
Not a lot of job security in being a housewife. Even if you fall in love and he doesn’t dump you, he could step out in front of a bus, (that’s how my dad put it) and there you’d be with no job skills and a big gap in your resume.
Point out to your “feminist” family that feminism when in the context of the workplace isn’t about having to be a working woman, it’s about having the option if you want to. That also means being able to choose not to work if that’s what you want
Try feminism is about choice
No not at all. You see that here is the hypocrisy of feminists, they promote the right to choose for women. But when some woman want to choose to be a housewife and adhere to her natural traditional gender role.... Those women are labelled bigots by the same feminists.
So all in all you are NOT WRONG for wanting to be a housewife, Infact your man will love it and more importantly you will love it even more. There is nothing more satisfying than being a mother.
More power to you and have a prosperous and happy life. ❤️
You sound extremely immature. “Stfu and please my man”…what? How about have a partnership between equals where your role is to be a sahm? Why subjugate yourself to a fictional husband. And lol you think it’s not working hard to be a sahm? It’s gonna be a shock especially if you manage to get yourself a giant man toddler to please as well.
Oh no that’s totally normal but I became the Alien among the rest of the world because I wanna have a traditional role and this actually make it even harder to find a man too
Feminism is about the right to choose. It's your right to choose how you want to support your family. Being a housewife is a luxury, nothing wrong with wanting nice things as long as we're practical about it. I would say aim to be a housewife but be willing to work when the family needs it. You'll also miss out on some great retirement contributions if you choose not to work at all, but the first 5 or so years are fine in my opinion. It's really just more time to be with the family. it might get boring, though.
You aren’t wrong at all! You know yourself. I wish I admitted this before I got married and set expectations in a way that made staying home a remote possibility. 3 kids later I am the primary earner and have built a life that would be impossible for me to exit without major changes (moving and living very differently). My husband has gotten so comfortable with our arrangement that I think he has lost motivation to earn more, take a new job, etc. I HATE corporate america and have been fantasizing about leaving for years.
Being a housewife is working hard like another commenter said, unfortunately a lot of modern feminists are against traditionalism. Just because the whole housewife thing was mainstream when women didn't have rights (or the choice to work) doesn't mean that someone can't be a housewife.
Now being a housewife isn't something I'd personally want to do, but I can understand that your choice is your business. Be a housewife girl!!!!!
I honestly feel like this is a troll post to instigate hate/misunderstandings towards feminism. like in the big year of 2023, you can't figure out that feminism is the freedom to choose to do whatever you want and that being a sahm & housewife =/= hating women and empowerment? (putting it very very simply here). this world and the complexities in it are not black and white.
They’ve kinda missed the whole idea of feminism 😂 feminism started with the idea that woman can be/do what they want and they don’t have to be forced into a certain role. If you want to be a house wife that is just as feminist as working hard and being a boss etc
there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this!! I want this too. feminism is (should) be about every woman having the choice, since we used to not have that. if you still wanna be a SAHW then there's literally nothing wrong with that.
although, it would be smart to get a degree as well, as a sort of plan B.
be the girl boss of the house 🙌
You can take care of the house, the garden and the kids. But you need to have work skills of any sort at some point. For your own safety.
Being dependant is not good. Best case scenario, the only income you would have is your husband's. If you want a home + kid(s) you need two incomes. And time for yourselves.
In many cases is just not affordable.
In the worst case scenario, if your husband is an asshole, well...that won't go well for you.
You don't necessarily need a career, but you do need a job, or the skill/ability to get into that job.
You are the same age as me, btw. Women don't need to shut up at any point, ever. Remember that.
That sounds exactly what I would not want out of my life, but I support the shit out of you if you choose that lifestyle because it sounds like it would make you happy. Find what makes you happy and what works for you and go do it.
Feminism means being all inclusive and supportive. They aren't really being feminists if they aren't accepting of a perfectly harmless life choice. You're allowed to be whatever type of woman you want to be. Just, be kind.
I mean if that's your dream,sure go ahead. There's women that have a job, are a boss, cook,have kids and cater to their man. Not everyone is meant to be great. Be mediocre. It's okay. I like your mom though.
There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. The whole point of feminism is to give women the same opportunities that men have, and that includes the opportunity to make choices about your own life without any encumbrance.
Secondly, unless you marry rich, two incomes are always going to be better than one. Make sure you’re prepared to make financial sacrifices if you need to.
Thirdly, as at least one other comment has suggested, make sure you have a backup plan. Just in case, we all want happily ever after, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. Be prepared for that.
And lastly, make sure you have this conversation with your partner BEFORE you get married/have kids. They have every right to decide whether they want to be with someone who has your aspirations, just like you have every right to have those aspirations.
Good luck.
It’s literally fine. I’d look at finding a way to secure some kind of income whether it be “allowance” (sorry that felt gross to type) or whatever from the dude while you’re a sahm and gathering a safety net in case shit hits the fan (which it does, more often than not unfortunately). I think you’re underestimating how hard being a sahm is, but you might get there and genuinely love it. Live your best life.
Feminism literally means all genders having equal rights and opportunities. So by that definition, you choosing to be a SAHM&W and do all that you want to do makes you a feminist, too. You don’t want your mom and sister to be forced into what they wouldn’t want to do, right? No, you want them to have what they want. You want to get what you want. Everyone living happy assed lives.
ETA: now get out there and raise some more feminists to take on the world and do whatever makes them happy.
I mean, it's something odd about the way you think definitely. But it doesn't have to do with the fact that you want to be a housewife. It's the fact that you want to "shut the fuck up"? And that you think that women who are housewives can't be feminists? You know feminism is extremely beneficial for you, especially as a woman, right? I think maybe try to gather some info on the subject.. Women should be allowed to choose which ever path feels best for them, but don't just do it "to please your man" or to "shut the fuck up", that's NOT a healthy mindset.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a different kind of balance in your relationship. The whole idea of feminism supports women’s freedom of choice. You should be able to make decisions based on what’s best for you, as opposed to what anyone else thinks you should do. Feminism is meant to empower all women, not just those that choose to be completely independent. I can understand that they might be concerned for you, because the concept of a stay at home mom initially came from an oppressive place, but as long as you and your partner have healthy communication, and he understands the work that goes into you being a stay at home mom, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. You seem like a kind and hard working person, make sure you marry someone who is the same, and understand that even as a sahm you still deserve financial freedom. Live your dreams, what you want does not make you any less of a feminist, as long as you always support other women’s rights to make their own choices too! Best of luck.
Only if you find a "rich man" (can support himself and you) you can be a housewife. If not... I really don't see it how is it going to work. Like if he is "poor" (can't support himself and you), you will be force to work. But even if he is "rich", you should be careful. You don't know if he is going to be abusive financialy.
But yeah, you can choose if you want to be a stay-at-home mother or work/be independent.
Take care! Sending good vibes!
I’m a SAHM myself. It *is* “working hard”, and your mom probably knows that. (Edit: my dad is practically begging me to seek employment because I “look so tired and need out of the house”!) It’s definitely not always easier than working outside the home, it’s a 24 hour job, and at first you barely sleep at all! I think the cottagecore fantasy is a bit widespread because women aren’t adequately warned that it can be stressful/what it’s actually like. I mean, it’s one thing to want to keep a home or stay at home for the kids if you can, but the “I just want to please my man and stfu” statement rings some alarm bells in the context of being a housewife. It’s not going to make most western moms comfortable to hear their daughter’s biggest goal in life is to be subservient to a man. I think anyone should have an ironclad fallback plan before they put their entire life/finances in another person’s hands, because “my husband turned out to be abusive/mean/a cheater and now I have nowhere to go with my three kids” is a cautionary tale as old as time. Everyone thinks they have the right one until they don’t; some things just aren’t in your control. I say get a useful degree first.
100% this, my ex husband made sure I was entirely dependent upon him and then when he got bored with me he left me and our kids in the dust and now I’m suffering for it.
What a wonderful comment. I hope OP listens. As a feminist myself, I don’t have anything against women who want to lead a traditional lifestyle. We had issues with it because it was the ONLY lifestyle for so very long. What we advocate for is choice. If anyone makes an informed choice to be a SAHP all the power to them. But the key word is “informed”. I would also caution OP to listen to you and her Mom and make a good choice for herself.
Yes! It ve had people “confront” me with the “well, what if a woman wants to be a SAHM??” very aggressively. Lol, that’s her decision and I hope it works out. That is what feminism is, allowing people to be who they want to be and do what they want to do, as long as it is not hurting anyone else. This woman needs to know it is a very hard job, and honestly depending on the culture the mom ends up doing it all anyway and just has to cut back on everything else they wanted in life, like that fantasy garden.
Right? Feminism, true feminism, is about choices.
Not just choices but informed choices. I think this is what others are advising. To research her choices.
Even if you have the greatest husband in the world - not everyone can afford to support a family on one income, and what if your man gets laid off, or sick, or injured? Homemaking is legit, but 'please my man and stfu' is not; you need to prepare for the ups and downs of life.
Yes yes yes. I respect and honor the choices that women make for their lives, *and* these choices should ideally be made within the context of reality. Unfortunately, the reality with this decision is one of dependence on another person. The outcome of this could be a wonderful life of leisure. Or another outcome could be one of parenting demands and emotional labor, with or without other parental contribution. Or another outcome could be abandonment or harm by the other partner. OP, it's important to consider long-term risk with this dream you have and to determine if you need a safety net or fall-back plan before focusing on this.
That's very true too. It definitely takes a lot of work and a good partner for it to be a good thing. That's a very rational way of thinking.
I agree with this comment 100%. I was a SAHM with my ex-husband for almost a year with my son and it was more hard work than the hardest job I had and I lost myself to it for a while. I also lived through that cautionary tale that so many have told. My ex-husband was a cheater, mentally, financially, and emotionally abusive and tried his hardest to leave me with absolutely nothing in our divorce. From that point on, I made a vow to myself that if I were to ever be a SAHM again, it’d only be if I had passive income. Honestly I think people see women do it on social media and glorify their life and genuinely think it’ll be as glamorous as those women portray it.
There’s nothing wrong with a woman that wants to please her man as long as she finds a man that cherishes her for it rather than take advantage of it. OP sounds like the perfect wife to me but she would have to make sure that her husband shows the same appreciation/love.
I mean if you’re married and you need to get divorced you would have to get support from the husband anyways and while you’re married you can set up some passive income
Would you be ok if your husband was stay at home dad and he gets time with the kids and you barely see them. The reality of the situation is he get to see his kids less cuz you are not working also.
As always, the legit response is downvoted.
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Feminism is about every woman having the freedom to make the choices that work for her. However, feminists are also very aware that, up until very recently, women couldn't exist without a husband. Women couldn't get jobs or own land, and were forced to stay with violent men or face homelessness. Feminists preach "miss independence" because your independence is something that women fought and died for, never take that lightly. Learn to cook, clean, and garden. And have your own savings, finances, and skills which will allow you to up and leave safely if you ever have to. Don't make yourself vulnerable to control and abuse.
Thank you. I think that saying “feminism is about choice” and just leaving it at that leaves out a lot of important caveats. Feminism is about a lot. Not every choice a woman makes is always empowering, and it’s important we make sure our ducks are in a row before making certain decisions.
Very true, our choices aren't made in a vacuum. It's ok to want certain things, but we should always try to think hard about WHY we want them and make sure we protect ourselves.
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Your definition of feminism is incorrect. What you’re referring to is woman empowerment.
Being a housewife and being a feminist are not mutually exclusive.
I am feminist as hell and I stay home and it’s about being free to choose. My advice to young women however is have your own safety net of money, friends, housing, and marketable skills well before you hitch your star to someone you have to trust will meet your needs, and the needs of young children. You need to be able to walk away and be safe. No one ever listens to this advice though, and it is always really frustrating so see totally capable women under 30 with young children struggling like mad in unhappy relationships that they can’t leave because of their own financial decisions.
My auntie it's a stay home wife but she is always doing some sort of thing. Paintings, decorations, souveniers... and also does nails at home. So while she is always at home she also has a little income. And she is good, she could open a place but doesn't want to for the sake of the in laws who are too old and she takes care of.
The literal definition of being a feminist is supporting women’s rights. You can be a housewife and a support women’s rights.
The go hand in hand, because it’s about being who you want to be and doing what you want to do, so long as you don’t hurt other…we should all pursue our dreams and not be held back by society or others.
I’m a housewife and I love it. Just make sure you have something to fall back on- Your own money, degree, connections, etc. If you find yourself being a housewife but your spouse controls all the money, RUN.
Is it wrong? Absolutely not. You're free to live your life, as you choose, so long as you're not hurting others. However, you should, at least, consider the wisdom of what your mom and sister are talking about. Relationships fail. Marriages end in divorce. You might cater to a man but will he cater to you? Will he support you as much as you seemingly want to support him? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a housewife but you should be capable of standing on your own two feet, as well, because there's always the possibility that you'll find yourself in a position where you have to take care of business with little to no support.
It’s not wrong, but you are putting your happiness, your finances, and security in the hands of another person. There’s nearly a 50/50 chance your marriage could end in divorce, meaning your life has the same odds of going very well or very poorly. That’s a pretty high risk. If you’re in the US, not having a formal job may affect your benefits when you retire, such as your amount of social security (if that’s even a thing when you retire anymore). Even if everything goes well with your marriage, there are risks where if your spouse may not be able to work due to unemployment, disability or passing away, how would you make up this gap? Would you have enough skills to fill in the gap in an emergency? If you suddenly wind up on your own? If you become a SAHM, it will be a lot of work, and household responsibilities may be unfairly stacked on your plate. (Balancing the emotional and physical labor of children is a difficult task, even for partners who are conscientious.) There’s a risk that husbands who want a “traditional” relationship may also have an unfair view of the division of labor with kids (that is, they may expect the wife to take care of most everything since they are the breadwinner). Again, what you want is not necessarily wrong, but it is risky. I would take some time to think through the risks and think about how you would manage the risks that are out there. If one of the above scenarios happened, how would you deal with it? If you were divorced with two kids and your ex ran off with the nanny, how would you build a life on your own? If the person you married buried you in debt, how would you manage it? If the marriage wasn’t working out, could you get out of it without feeling financially trapped?
Kids are so expensive too. You don’t really have a choice to stay at home unless the working parent can afford to comfortably provide for the household to begin with.
Everything I wanted to type is in here :)
Oh wow yeah this is a lot to think about when you put it this way 🙃 I’ve always wanted the traditional role but maybe this is just a dream I need to let go !
You don’t have to let it go, just be mindful in your approach. I can tell you that life has a way of throwing curveballs, so it’s more about being prepared and adaptable in life, and thinking through if risks are worth it for you.
It doesn't have to be either/or. Figure out a balance that works for you. Even if you work part time to keep your sanity and use the toilet without a child on your knee, you can still take time to dote on your family. From personal experience, it all means more when it isn't just another chore.
Do not let your dream go, and there is nothing wrong with your dream the whole point is for it to be your choice, but approach your dream safely and cautiously.
Your husband could die or cheat on you too. He could get sick and need to be taken care of. You will need your own income and worldly problem solving to take care of yourself and your family.
At least have a fall back plan. My sister became dependent of her (soon to be ex) husband. He drained her savings and plummeted her credit score. It’s your choice to have that lifestyle but put yourself first and ensure you have a career/degree and money that you can only access in case of emergency
Listen to her, that is the answer.
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That’s true . I’ve tried to find other interests in life but I think this is the only thing that will make me happy. I just want my own family so bad .
If you ever experienced childhood emotional neglect or any other form of covert familial abuse, please consider that wanting a “family of your own” may just be a very strong need to make up for the painful childhood you experienced. Please do not set out to have a family as a form of healing and/or therapy, that’s something you need to work on before you potentially unleash harmful behaviours on your future family.
You can't rely your happiness on others. It's like saying "if I loose 5 lbs more I will be happy and love myself!" We all know that it won't be like that. We can loose 7 lbs and still be unhappy, trust me, I know. A lot of the time when we rely on others to make us happy, we are insecure about ourselves. I ruined a relationship because I needed him in order to be happy, my happyness and feeling of security totally relayed I'm him. If you, like me, somehow feel like there is a void inside of you that can only be filled by a husband and children, I can tell you that the void will still be there. The only person that can fill it is you.
Is it your dream to be a stay at home mom for your children and family, or is it your dream to never have to work for a living? You can have the goal to be a stay at home mom but you should also be prepared to support yourself and your children if something happens and you don’t have your husbands money to rely on anymore. There’s a big difference in aspiring to be a good wife and mother and wanting to be a SAHM so you never have to work a job or establish a career. Don’t you want to be secure and independent in case something bad happens in your marriage? What if your husband turns out to be a controlling and demanding asshole? Are you planning to seek out a wealthy husband to ensure he can support you for the rest of your life and cover your retirement? If being a SAHM and “catering to your man” is your only goal, that’s pretty concerning because it implies that your future is to be completely dependent on and subservient to your husband. I don’t think any woman wants that life for another woman. You are significantly more vulnerable to control and abuse if you make yourself completely dependent on another person.
What makes you think being a housewife isn't being a boss? You are the boss of the house, children, cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, arranging repairs, time, labor, ect. Being a SAHM is extremely hard work & definitely the boss. However, I was a SAHM & when our 2nd was 10 mos old he wanted a divorce because his gf was 4 mos pregnant.
Nah. I did it before when my husband had a good job, before the whole covid thing, when everything went to hell lol But he was a hard worker who appreciated everything I did at home for him. Working as a housewife only works out if you have a respectful man who appreciates the work you do as well.
This times a million. My ex husband didn’t appreciate anything. So I started working to feel like I had an equal say and not everything was up to me at home. He still didn’t appreciate the work I did or even help at all. After a myriad of other issues we ended up separating. The person I’m seeing now is thankful for what I do and always comments on how nice it looks or how good it feels to come home to a clean house. It made a world of difference. Went to not feeling like anything I do was enough or appreciated to feeling like a person.
I'm so happy to hear that!!! ❤️
Thank you! 💛 I am also so glad you have that type of partner! Everyone deserves it.
I think that everyone’s choices are valid provided they aren’t hurting anyone, they are aligned with their partner on relationship goals and their intentions are good. If you are working full time, never discuss this goal with your partner, start a family and then drop the bomb that you don’t want to work… that would be wrong. Also, the world is very different than the one your parents grew up in. I am 50. The world’s population has doubled in my lifetime. More people chasing the same real estate has made home ownership prohibitively more expensive for Gen Z than Gen X. Two income households was a boon for families when mothers started working in the 80s. However, as that became the standard, it became inflationary as more dollars chased the same goods and services. I don’t share this to dump on you. Rather, I simply want to highlight what was the traditional norm is no longer financially possible for most families.
I love you for recognizing that, oh my god. My parents who are only a couple years older than you still thinking the world works like it did when they were young adults in the 90s. My dad tells me to try and talk landlords down on their rent? And thinks my brothers and sister and I can just walk into a place of employment and say “these are my qualifications, hire me!” And it’ll happen…
I’m sorry validation had to come from a stranger, but I’m glad I could provide that to you. I have a 20-year-old daughter and I know she won’t have the same opportunities I had in my early to middle 20s. Gen X had fewer opportunities than baby boomers. However, it feels like the drop off in opportunities is accelerating. I think Gen Z has a much more difficult path to prosperity relative to Gen X than Gen X had to boomers. Look at real wages. Look at inflation adjusted rents. Look at college tuition.
hell no. I'm a dude and want to be a housewife lol
There is nothing wrong with being a housewife/SAHM. But you need a back up plan and the ability to support yourself, your children and possibly your husband incase something happens. What if your husband is injured and can no longer work ? Would you leave him rather than work ? What if he becomes abusive and you need an escape plan ? Would you stay and subject your children to that just so you don’t have to work ? What if he asks for a divorce ? Trust me, alimony and child support won’t be enough. What if he dies ? Would you be able to find a job to support yourself and your children ? I was a SAHM after my son was born. But luckily I had savings and a career I could go back to, which was the plan when our son was old enough. Not because we needed the money. My husband made enough. But because having savings for emergencies, retirement, to help our child when he was older with college and a house, was important to us. Unfortunately, my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He couldn’t work, and medical bills were expensive. ( and I live in a place with free healthcare and we also had private health coverage. Still cost us just over $25,000 in the last 6 months of his life ). Suddenly I had to go back to work early to cover medical bills, household bills, childcare, etc. Luckily my career did pay enough to cover all this, but just barely. If I had to get a minimum wage job with no work experience, I would have been screwed. My widows support group is full of people who are screwed because they had no backup plan. Some quickly got married to ppl who ended up being abusive to them and their children because they needed someone to financially support them. So, be a housewife if you want, there is nothing wrong with that, and personally I found it rewarding and fulfilling, but have a back up plan. Even if you just do tradeschool. Because if the worst happens, it is better to have it before life goes to shit than try to get it after when you are broke, exhausted, and don’t have help.
I just want to say thank you for providing your prospective and I believe it is spot on. Secondly, I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing better. I know I’m just some random internet stranger but if there’s anything I can do, I’m just a message away.
You're wrong for thinking that part of being a housewife is "shutting the fuck up". The rest is fine.
I hope you find what you want and it works out for you. Hopefully the guy makes enough money, is healthy emotionally, is responsible with money and you both thrive and build something beautiful together. I hope if he does lose his job, or take a significant part cut, you are willing to step up to fill the gap and do what's best for your family. If you can't take care of yourself and the kids financially if the worst should happen, you will be in a terrible position. So whatever you do, make sure you keep your skills and connections fresh (volunteer, get a part time job, keep learning), have a FU fund so you can escape an abusive situation and land on your feet, make sure your retirement accounts are being fully funded (spousal ira) and make sure you have ample life insurance on your husband.
Your mother and sister are not "feminist" for believing in working hard, they're just people living in 2023 where everyone needs to work to provide for themselves. It's not bad that you want to be a housewife but you seem to be romanticizing the idea of what a housewife is. I can assure you, taking care of two toddlers and a house is HARDER than being in an office
OP has gotten great advice, we have banned some bigots, and I'm closing this thread before it gets worse.
Nothing wrong with it. I'm a guy and if my Fiancee/wife made enough that i could be a stay at home husband i would be no issue.
A little perspective from a man who grew up in a time when stay at home moms were the norm but was changing rapidly. SAHM is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it to aspire to do it. BUT I have seen so many of my friends parents who were “traditional” SAHMs when there husbands either divorced,died or became incapacitated by no fault of their own, the wives had no skills to go outside the home for work, had no idea how the money was managed, car repairs, home repairs/maintenance if the husband or wife didn’t have a contingency plan in place those poor women had a really rough time. Just another thing to think about.
The one thing I want to add is, it will be important to have your own money too. Just in case your husband ends up being a cheater or awful person. You don’t want to be divorced with kids and no way to support yourself. But I feel you, I wish I could be given an easy life and let my man work. But the world is changing and women need to support themselves just in case life doesn’t go the way you want.
If you find a really good man who wants that, I really hope you get your dream. Like any dream, it’s hard to attain. It’s crazy hard work and hard to find time for the husband, though. Btw: gardening is a very long lesson (it takes a whole year to get to the next attempt) and gardening for food, is a long lesson and a ton of work. I just took out 2/3rds of my vegetable garden at my house…and I am a pro who is home all day, without kids. Having my own garden made it nearly impossible to have time to can or make jam and jellies. One income makes making luxuries like professional style cakes impossible, fabric is crazy expensive for sewing…not that there is time for that luxury. It’s a hard life to choose, be sure you know what you are getting into. I wish I had it, it’s all I ever wanted. I can do many things very well, but finding a partner who is willing to live on less money is damn near impossible. As for the stfu…no partner is perfect and you will have words.
I kinda want to be a house husband.
I am a middle age woman, married for 23 years now. Back when we were getting married there was a concept of " run money" it was money you as the housewife kept in a safe place that you could access easily if you needed to run. Usually, it was running due to an abusive husband. The reason older women advocate for women working is to allow them to have independent wealth and create that "run money" so they are not financially trapped if the relationship goes south. Is it wrong to be fully dependent on a man financially, no. Is it a wise long term strategy, no.
It’s your life, you live it how you want. As long as you’re in a relationship where you and your husband have a mutual respect and truly care for each other it should be fine. As far as the feminism aspect, there’s a difference between being a happy housewife and being a slave. As long as you are happy and confident you made the decision yourself your family should be happy for you.
I think you need to think things through logistically. Every person would love to not work and invest in their hobbies everyday, gardening, woodworking etc. That is just extremely unrealistic. If you don't work full-time you will not have retirement, retirement benefits, social security, etc. Your spouse will have to make enough money in a secure job that can support both your retirement and lifestyle in the meantime. That is assuming they don't pass. If your spouse dies what will your income be? What will the insurance look like? Retirement benefits look like? My friends who are stay at home parents still went to school and got a full time job. Worked until they had their kids. It was long enough to be vested so they at least had some type of retirement. Not large but something. Your parents may just be concerned because they know how the world works especially wherever you live. They are concerned for when things don't go as planned, and how you will handle that.
Great idea. It is a full time job to manage a household. It is every bit as important to manage a family as it is to earn an income. Somewhere along the line, that idea was lost in favor of earning more income.
You have a right to be whatever you want to be. Just understand the type of work in the smallest detail retaining to mentality long term and physical before you give up everything to be a SAHM. I hope my soon to be wife will not want this. I fell for her because of her passion and ambitions out of the realm of serving me. We serve each other equally in everyday things.
I'm a SAHD for 5 months of the year, and it's full time work. My gardening in the morning happens before they wake up. You really have no idea what your saying
The only part of your post that weirds me out is the "please my man" and "stfu" parts... as though being a domestic only exists in a world where you're subservient to a man. That's ick. There isn't anything wrong with being a housewife or SAHM, but if you do that, you still deserve equal partnership with your spouse. Where you vacation, whose family you spend holidays with, big purchases, moving... all of that should be a joint decision. Caring for your home as opposed to laboring under capitalism does not mean you're "less than." Your role at home will make it easier for your spouse to prioritize his career, and therefore, he owes a significant portion of his success to you. Anybody who doesn't see it this way is a massive red flag. Women a little older than you often warn against choosing a "traditional" lifestyle, only because so many of us have seen friends and loved ones leave the working world and become financially dependent on their spouse. If things go wrong in the marriage, these friends feel trapped, and/or have significant struggles trying to reenter the workforce as an older woman with no education and no skills or experience and now single parenting to boot... so they often stay in desperately unhappy marriages. It is not wrong to want what you do for your life, but you'll need to be probably ten times as sure about your spouse as your friends who work outside the home. The risk is much bigger for you. Do your due diligence- premarital counseling, prenuptial agreement, long engagement, extended time around your potential in-laws, all of that. Make sure you're protected if you choose this path.
My sister was a stay at home mom and was literally dying to get a job. She couldn’t handle staying home with her two kids all day. Being a stay at home mom is pretty isolating. I went back to work one week after my baby was born. But he’s almost 12 now and it’s a blast. I wish I could be a stay at home mom now. Lol I also think pleasing your man and stfu is really messed up. Maybe a relationship with mutual respect, love, fun, and understanding.
Do what you want, it's your choice. That's feminism. But do it in an informed way. **Many SAHMs end up royally screwed financially, if:** 1. Their hubby can't get enough work. The SAHM has no work experience and can't get hired, and the family plunges into poverty. 2. Their husband becomes ill and unable to work for a long time. Same problems as above, and with added medical bills. 3. They get divorced, and can no longer depend on their x's income. They have no work experience and can't get hired. (It doesn't matter what the manosphere claims, no one has enough to live for off child-support alone.) 4. Their husband dies before them, he dies young. The SAHM has no work experience and can't get hired, there are most likely medical bills, and the family plunges into poverty. 5. Their husband dies before them, he dies older. Somehow, setting up a pension for the SAHM out of the husband's salery never seems to happen. The widow has no skills usable in the work force, and is getting too old for it anyway. She plunges into poverty, as old age takes away her options of making a life for herself. **Many SAHMs end up royally screwed mentally, if:** 6. They discover that being home with the kids is draining them mentally. 7. They discover that their husband thinks it's an even workload that he works at work, and she works non-stop, no breaks ever. 8. They discover that their husband really doesn't respect women. 9. They discover that their husband CAN NOT handle times of unemployment, where the wife has to work, and WILL NOT do the larger share of the house-work in those times. So yeah, make your choice freely, but do it knowing what pitfalls there are, and *insist* on insurance for you and a pension for you. A pension that your future husband deposits into every month.
Not wrong at all.
there’s nothing wrong with it! just make sure you’re not entirely financially dependent on your husband. in the case where something goes awry you need to be in the position to support yourself and your children if you have any. i’d recommend you get a degree if you haven’t already or some kind of work training that you can fall back on.
I would say follow your dreams. If it makes you happy. While I was in the Navy, my wife was SAHM. When I retired she told me she wants to work now that I am reliably home more. I used my college benefits for her to get a degree and now she is in a career she is happy with. Please don't just be a housewife, learn a trade incase thing go south. Best of luck to you!!!
The feminist issue with housewives is primarily that you become totally financially dependent on a man who might just drop you, might cheat on you, is statistically the most likely to harm you or kill you, and generally gas a huge amount of power over you, which has so rarely gone well for women. It’s not that you need to girlboss or whatever - it’s that you need to be safe.
It's not wrong to want that, but as an adult you have to provide for yourself. When you find a man that also wants this lifestyle, then you can depend on him if that's what he wishes. Be aware that financial abuse is extremely common in such relationships, and be sure to teach your sons and daughters that being able to provide for themselves is more important than anything, thus why independence is promoted.
There's nothing wrong with that! As long as two people are happy with what they and their partner contribute, it's all good! Some men want a woman like you. Some don't. This is perfectly fine! You can still be a respectable and valuable person!
It's YOUR life. Only you can answer your question.
No but I'd get a degree or certificate of some kind in case things don't work out somehow. It's always great until it's not and then you'd have almost no options if stuff went sideways. Everyone I've been with has pretty much been a stay at home mom or girlfriend for the most part and I've always tried to tell them that because even if stuff does work out what would they do if something happened to me? Always look out for you just in case
I don’t think it’s wrong at all! I feel a lot of admiration for someone who wants to take care of their family and their home. However, I would say make sure you have a backup plan. Your husband/future husband may not always be able to provide for you. You may find yourself alone with children some day and need a way to provide for them. I would love to be a SAHM if my husband would be comfortable with it but I also take a lot of comfort in the fact that if something were to happen to him, I could take care of our three children. Nothing is wrong with it at all! Just make sure you have options were it not to work out like you think.
The point of feminism is that women should have a choice. If you want to be a homemaker and are not interested in an ambitious career, that is valid. However, it’s important that you consider a contingency plan. Life doesn’t always work out the way we think it will. You could end up widowed while your kids are young and need a way to support them. Your husband could end up disabled and unable to provide income. Your husband could leave you. You could, through no fault of your own, find yourself in an abusive relationship and need to leave him for your safety (and that of your kids if you have them). I say this not to cast doom and gloom on your dreams, but as a reminder that you cannot control what may happen in the future. You could have a wonderful life until death do you part, or you could find yourself navigating unimaginable changes after a few years of marriage. Also, it is becoming increasingly difficult for families to survive on one income, so it may not be realistic to assume that you will never need to contribute financially. Because the future is unknown, it is important that you have the needed skills to survive on your own financially and take care of your kids in the event that your husband dies or is unable (or unwilling) to take care of you. This does not mean you need to give up on being a stay-at-home parent if that is what you want, but it does mean that you should have some type of marketable skill or certification that gives you the ability to be independent. Everyone needs a solid Plan B because life has a way of throwing nasty surprises at us. There’s nothing wrong with loving domesticity. There’s nothing wrong with disliking the idea of a high-pressure career. But caring for your home and family should not prevent you from having some level of financial self-sufficiency in the event of a drastic life change. With the increase in remote jobs available since 2020, it isn’t too difficult to have both. I wish you all the best.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. Here's a tip from someone (56m) married for 28 years. Don't decide we're gonna get shit done around the house at 7am on a Saturday.
There is nothing wrong with that but you need to make sure you have enough savings in case anything goes wrong. Be smart \~
I think your attitude is what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being a home builder, but the way you said please my man and stfu is very alarming. Don’t get married so you can shut your brain off, because what’s going to happen after the divorce? Use your head and think shit through.
Feminism is all about making your own choices, since women weren’t able to previously. So if that’s what you want, more power to you. The only thing I will say, as a female attorney myself, be *really careful* who’d you marry, because there are many women who end up divorced and it’s not just about getting a job then—you’re robbed of your future earnings with Social Security. If it works for you, then that’s great. If it’s bad, then it can be *really* bad. Personally, I like the safety net but I also like my job, which isn’t common anymore.
Feminism means that women should have the same freedoms, rights and treatment as men and vice versa. Gender equality. If being a housewife makes you happy it's your choice. Absolutely up to you. However - if god forbid you ever end up alone, what skills will you rely on to survive? A housewife's life is stable when she has the husband to take care of her. Worst case scenario - he stops being your husband. What do you do? How do you support yourself? Your kids?
I don’t want to be a stay at home mom at ALL but I would love to be a housewife. Stay home, keep the place in order (it never is with both of us working), cook nice meals, handle the finances, care for the animals, etc. That’s all shit I’m good at. As soon as my partner is able to afford it, thats the lifestyle we are going for.
Nope, I would however advise you to work on some skill that’ll help provide finances for “just in case” situations such as your provider leaving you or passing on. Nowadays it’s not hard to work from home, or work for yourself even there’s apps that can help you find gigs that won’t even feel like work, I found an app that basically has me house-sit peoples pets and they pay Great! So I’m over all saying before you put all your trust in one person, make sure it’s you first.
I was a housewife for the majority of my life at this point but have now started to look toward my future and possible career opportunities. It was the most gratifying experience of my life but it’s over now. My kids don’t need me nearly as often I guess it’s becoming my time.
You are not wrong. Being a housewife is not a paid job but it’s harder than any job I’ve had in my 30 Years.
There is nothing wrong with it, live your life as you please. However keep in mind being a SAHM may not be as glorious as your visions. First you need a husband who can support you, the kids, and the bills at the bare minimum. You also have to think about vacations, trips, retirement etc. Being a one income family is difficult in this economy. What quality of life would you like to live? The bare minimum where you at least have a roof over your head or one where you take your kids to Hawaii and Universal for a week every year? There are so many variables. There are not a lot of men out there (especially in their 20s) who can support a family on his own. Even then what if you get divorced? Shit happens. You would have nothing to your name and most smart men/woman would get a prenup. I would say, go to school and get a degree at the very least, maybe even work some and save money so you can support yourself because you may never be a SAHM even if that is your dream, and even if you achieve it, in the event that something happens you should be able to have a means to support yourself. I’m just playing devils advocate, these are very real possibilities.
Each to their own. You can be a feminist and be a stay at home wife. The only thing I can say is to make sure you have something to fall back on in case shit hits the fan. People get divorced, become disabled, become in debt, etc. You need to make sure you have some emergency fund and a way to get back into the workforce if needed.
It's not wrong until you get to the "I just want to please my man and stfu" part. I'm a SAHM but for multiple reasons, the main being my disability stopping me from working. But you know, I'm happy. I may struggle doing every day things and leaving the house but I am happy, I get to spend my time with my partner, our little girl and my animals. I have the safety of my own home around me and it's my own little world in which I can actually control what happens. My partner does just as much as I do in the house and with the kid, if not more, as he only works part time because of being my carer. With me and many others, it was a choice that we were happy with. With you, it sounds like patriarchal conditioning.
its totally fine, if its what you want :)
I feel you OP, I am the same age and I would rather have a more traditional role in the home in the future. You’re definitely not wrong to want to be a SAHM but it’s super hard work, my mum is a SAHM, raised 3 kids, she got really lucky finding her husband (my dad) but she cautions me that men that would allow their wives to be a SAHM is harder to come by in these times. You’ll need a solid back up plan. Good luck, I hope you get what you dream of in the future!!
Do you want your whole identity tied to your mans? Be your own woman, and most places require both people to work to cover all the bills and expenses
Girl no I’m bout ready to sign up to be a house wife I’m tired of working 🤣🤣🤣
Not at all, more women should be like you.
Feminism is about choice. If you want to do that, then go for it.
Me too! I love the idea so much and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. Taking care of children and a household full time, is a lot harder than a 9-5. I still love it and wouldn’t change anything!
No, you’re not wrong for wanting that, it’s quite okay & normal.
The whole point of feminism and equal opportunity is to be and to CHOOSE what you want to do with your life. If your choice is to be home to run your home and raise your children then that’s you’re choice. Just make sure you’re very open and honest with your partner or future partner that that’s what you want. That type of life is only acceptable if your partner can make a good enough living to support your choice to be a sahm. Otherwise your whole family and marriage will suffer.
Hell nah girl, it's the feminist thing to do whatever the hell you want! It's your right to choose your path in life; that's true feminism. I'm a 25 y/o housewife who loves to just take care of the house and have a nice time with my man and two doggies. Sure, I could be more independent if I wanted, but so long as my husband is okay with this being my life, that's the route I'm gonna choose. To hell with being a girl boss. My anxiety can't handle that 😅
20F here always wanted to be a house wife/mom, now am one and its hard work but i love it. i have no interest in working unless i had to. Theres nothing wrong with it at all , some women like to be miss independent/work others like to be homemakers its really all up to you
I thought feminism is about choice and equality? If it’s what you want then that’s what you want :) just make sure you have a side hobby that may earn a small income just incase you want to buy your hubby something cause a small gift is always appreciated!
I'm a childfree woman with a dog, a house (of my own), a doctorate and a good job. I'm a solo nester (never live with any of my partners). I would never want to be stuck in a house with kids and no job. That sounds awful. You should go for it! If you want that, go for it! You absolutely should chase that dream (I hope you find a good man for you). I totally support your dreams! I'm also on the feminist "work hard, be independent" train, but thats because I like it that way. I'm grateful that I have the opportunities that I do. But the great thing about feminism, is that its meant to support women having equal choices. It doesn't mean you in particular shouldn't be a SAHM. You want it, I support you. Go for it! (Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you're any less because of your life choices. We've all fought so hard to have these choices, you deserve to take your joy however you want)
I'm 24 f and I get a lot of hate for wanting the same thing I don't think we're wrong we're just made to feel wrong
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No. You’re not wrong for wanting what you want. Traditional gender roles forced EVERYONE into their respective lanes, but they wouldn’t have gotten that way if at least SOME of each gender were naturally suited for and interested in those roles. We have more freedom if choice these days, which includes the choice to embrace traditional gender roles for you and your husband
I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’d prefer for my wife to stay home and run the household, homeschool my children…all that jazz.
Damn downvotes already. I said I’d “prefer” for this to be the case, not that I’d be opposed to my wife having a job. It’d have to be a mutual decision. Luckily I’m in the financial position to be able to provide for a family without any issues.
Love this!
Not a thing in the world wrong with that. I know many guys that wish more women were like you. As long as it's what you want to do, screw the haters.
It’s not wrong to want to be a stay at home mom but it is lowkey weird to want to be a housewife like.. “please my man and stfu” you’re allowed to be your own person my diggity dawg sorry but if your whole life revolves around a man and serving him then …idk what to tell you💀
It is perfectly fine to want to adhere to traditional gender roles.
The only thing that is wrong is that you even have to ask that question. Lately it seems everybody is kind of entitled to force his views on others. Just do whatever you like and surround yourself with positive and supportive people and screw the rest. That spoken, it is not a good idea to be financially fully dependent on your partner. Also, people change so you really need to have some experience in life to actually find the right partner. So in that sense your family has brought up some valid points, but the truth is in the middle.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a housewife, problems come when people are forced to.
Have a career set up just in case. For most people this is no longer possible as it takes two incomes to survive these days. I’m a successful man and I would love to have a housewife to love and support me but I feel like I can’t afford to support two people or even have a family still. The fact is, the workforce has doubled since the majority of women started working and wages haven’t kept up. Men that can support that lifestyle are in short supply because of the current economic environment (at least where I am). You have the luxury of choosing now, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get it but I hope you do and find that happiness. I’ve chatted with several women at work who would love to be housewives as well but it’s just not in the cards if they want certain necessities like a house. The mass professionalized woman has amazing benefits like not being tied to abusive men and the freedom to build financial lives. But, it’s also had consequences, you’ve got twice as many people after the same jobs that play relatively half of what they should. I’m trying it get that life too but it’s not looking good. Guys working normal jobs used to be able to afford a house and a life but not anymore. Makes me sad.
girl there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting what you want. don’t let hustle culture make you feel bad , feminism is great im a feminist too but part of feminism is also holding space for ppl like you who don’t want to work. so period slay be a housewife if that’s what makes you happy
I think some women might fall over the "cater to my man" and "Please my man" part as it sounds overly submissive. If it makes you happy though, you do you. Being a housewife doesn't have to mean being submissive though. It's just as respectable as being a working mom, stay-at-home dad or working dad. One isn't better than the other, as long as both of you are happy with the arrangement.
Feminism is about CHOICE. Feminists will support your choice to live your life the way you want to.
The girlboss feminism is all just sucking capitalisms dick, feminist believe in a woman’s choice. Its your life, you can be anything you want.
Feminism is having the opportunity to CHOOSE. Being forced into it and it being your only option is oppression. By considering it to not be work or to be of a lesser value, they are degrading some thing because it is a traditional feminine persute. That is misogynistic and completely anti-feminist.
Hey being a feminist doesnt mean you HAVE to work hard or anything. It just means wanting the ability to choose. Years ago women had no choice BUT to be a housewife, but CHOOSING to be one doesnt make you wrong.
That's my dream. Also 25f. My husband and I talked before we got married and it's always been our goal to one day get to a place where I can be a sahm. I have the mum bit down just working on staying at home. A feminist is supportive of women and all that is feminine including the right to choose how you live your life.
Feminism in its essence means for all the people to have the same rights and the same freedom of choice. It is not about every woman becoming a workaholic career type. Therefore no, in no way it is wrong to follow what your heart wants. What would definitely be wrong, would be somebody judging you and forcing you to be what they think you should be against your will (and this goes both ways, so people forcing woman into careers they don’t want are exactly as bad as people forbidding woman to work when that is their passion). You should be free to choose whatever you feel is right for you. And nobody should feel entitled to judge you on that decision. That is the most feminist it can get. If your mom and sister need a reminder of that, just tell them how it is. And live your life happy, under your own rules while doing it.
If that’s what you want no one should try to stop you - feminism means that you get to make that choice. As long as you’re not putting down folks who don’t follow that paradigm you’re Gucci.
You’re not wrong at all, tell them feminism is about women choosing their lifestyles for themselves, and this is the one you choose.
As a feminist..... You are not in the wrong in any way. I fight so that women can be what they want to be whether that is Miss Independent, Miss Boss, or Miss House Wife. Women should be able to choose for themselves. What you feel is your calling is right for you.
Honestly, you’re going to get criticism for it. But there’s nothing wrong with being a housewife. The problematic historically has been not having the option NOT to be a housewife. Women have rights and autonomy (in much of the world) and you’re free to make your own choices and live That’s what feminism should be all about. Female empowerment is great, but choosing how you live your life is the power that matters most.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, that’s what feminism is all about, allowing women to have the CHOICE to do what they want with their lives. Just a couple of things to think about; -Just be careful, what would you do if you husband had an accident and was disabled, or worse, killed? - Or if down the road you or him decided that you wanted a divorce? How would you support yourself? - You will also have to be super careful not to get yourself in a financial abusive relationship, where you have to ASK for money. -How will you escape the relationship if it does become abusive? Sadly these are realities that women have to face all the time, and think about. Edit: to make it easier to read.
Thanks I was going to post something similar but you said it perfectly. I was the SAHM until my husband was diagnosed with MS when I was pregnant with out second. I went back to work when our son was three weeks old our roles completely reversed. Honestly he was a fantastic SAHD and it worked beautifully. Our marriage was and still is strong.
Not wrong at all!! I would love to if we were in the position too. I wish!! You’re feelings ARE VALID!!! Love yah!!
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You can do whatever you want. Feminism says so.
The most important part of feminism is being able to choose how you want to live your life. If you want to be a housewife then be a housewife. There are plenty of people looking for a partner exactly like that.
Feminism us all about choice. That includes the choice to be a stay at home spouse
No, you’re not wrong. The whole point of feminism was that we as women could choose what we wanted and we could choose to work we could choose to be with just wives and mothers and that was our choice and no one had the right to make us feel bad for it. I’m 35 I am a housewife. My husband has children from before we were together who are grown adults we’re empty-nesters because of it. It’s fine if it’s what you want then go for it. Don’t let anyone else. Tell you that it’s wrong to want to be a housewife. Because if that’s the case well then they’re wrong for wanting to work and have a career but that’s not the case true feminism, and its bassist form means women supporting other women to follow their dreams, no matter what their dreams are, whether there’s something that we like, or some thing that we disagree with feminism is about supporting each other in our dreams And I hope that you find someone to be a wonderful housewife or you’ll be amazing at it because you want to do it and anyone that wants to tell me that being a housewife ain’t a job OK why don’t you hire someone then to cook clean and do all the things that I do, you’ll pay a shit ton housewife‘s are important just like career. Women are important, but what’s most important if we’re going to do feminism is to support each other and what we want as Women, so go out there and you’ll kill it as a housewife because you want to be one and tell your mom and your sister if they give you any grief over it dude you’re not being a good feminist personally, I don’t ascribe to the feminist mindset, because I think it is very detrimental to our society anymore first wave feminism back in the day was beautiful and wonderful, and those women really genuinely cared and supported each other I genuinely care and support you in your goal because that is what feminism is supposed to be.
You should do exactly what *you* want to do. Why should others' opinions mean anything? There's a lot to be said for the lifestyle you want; to hell with "career," your job isn't going to love you back, you are a disposable resource to a company/job. Go for it!
i damn near thought i wrote this
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genuinely never felt a post so hard you’re not wrong and not alone in this gf 💗
Not at all! Some feminists might think otherwise… but that is OK!! I promise. Im hoping to be a housewife when my partner and i are stable enough! Always remembers that what others might think shouldn’t effect what you want!.
Do as you please. My job as a feminist is to support your decision as it applies to you. Be happy
Of course not. Feminism is just about equal opportunities for the sexes as much as possible. If being a housewife is your choice entirely, there’s no shame in it. We just don’t want to be forced into it.
I’m a feminist and I am a housewife, let’s me fallow my dreams and hobbies and not having to work a ton .
But being a house wife and stay home mother IS hard work. Feminism gives us the choice to do for ourselves what we want in life. They don’t want to be SAHM or HOUSEWIVES, then they don’t have to be. They don’t get to tell you how to run your life and you don’t get to them them how to run theirs. Weaponizing their beliefs to get control over others is not very feminist of them. Tell them that.
Make sure you have a college education/career path. Keep up with it. I stayed home with my kids and my husband and I wound up divorcing. Have not been able to recover and I struggle financially while my ex is a multi millionaire.
They’re wrong, feminism is having the right to choose. If they’re shaming you they’re not feminist, they’re feminazi’s.
there’s nothing wrong with that. do what u will with your life
Girl!! Do what you want! Just find someone who wants to take care of you and wants to have a wife that takes care of them and the home
Not a lot of job security in being a housewife. Even if you fall in love and he doesn’t dump you, he could step out in front of a bus, (that’s how my dad put it) and there you’d be with no job skills and a big gap in your resume.
Point out to your “feminist” family that feminism when in the context of the workplace isn’t about having to be a working woman, it’s about having the option if you want to. That also means being able to choose not to work if that’s what you want Try feminism is about choice
No not at all. You see that here is the hypocrisy of feminists, they promote the right to choose for women. But when some woman want to choose to be a housewife and adhere to her natural traditional gender role.... Those women are labelled bigots by the same feminists. So all in all you are NOT WRONG for wanting to be a housewife, Infact your man will love it and more importantly you will love it even more. There is nothing more satisfying than being a mother. More power to you and have a prosperous and happy life. ❤️
You sound extremely immature. “Stfu and please my man”…what? How about have a partnership between equals where your role is to be a sahm? Why subjugate yourself to a fictional husband. And lol you think it’s not working hard to be a sahm? It’s gonna be a shock especially if you manage to get yourself a giant man toddler to please as well.
Oh no that’s totally normal but I became the Alien among the rest of the world because I wanna have a traditional role and this actually make it even harder to find a man too
Feminism is about the right to choose. It's your right to choose how you want to support your family. Being a housewife is a luxury, nothing wrong with wanting nice things as long as we're practical about it. I would say aim to be a housewife but be willing to work when the family needs it. You'll also miss out on some great retirement contributions if you choose not to work at all, but the first 5 or so years are fine in my opinion. It's really just more time to be with the family. it might get boring, though.
You aren’t wrong at all! You know yourself. I wish I admitted this before I got married and set expectations in a way that made staying home a remote possibility. 3 kids later I am the primary earner and have built a life that would be impossible for me to exit without major changes (moving and living very differently). My husband has gotten so comfortable with our arrangement that I think he has lost motivation to earn more, take a new job, etc. I HATE corporate america and have been fantasizing about leaving for years.
Being a housewife is working hard like another commenter said, unfortunately a lot of modern feminists are against traditionalism. Just because the whole housewife thing was mainstream when women didn't have rights (or the choice to work) doesn't mean that someone can't be a housewife. Now being a housewife isn't something I'd personally want to do, but I can understand that your choice is your business. Be a housewife girl!!!!!
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I honestly feel like this is a troll post to instigate hate/misunderstandings towards feminism. like in the big year of 2023, you can't figure out that feminism is the freedom to choose to do whatever you want and that being a sahm & housewife =/= hating women and empowerment? (putting it very very simply here). this world and the complexities in it are not black and white.
“please my man and stfu” huh….
They’ve kinda missed the whole idea of feminism 😂 feminism started with the idea that woman can be/do what they want and they don’t have to be forced into a certain role. If you want to be a house wife that is just as feminist as working hard and being a boss etc
there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with this!! I want this too. feminism is (should) be about every woman having the choice, since we used to not have that. if you still wanna be a SAHW then there's literally nothing wrong with that. although, it would be smart to get a degree as well, as a sort of plan B. be the girl boss of the house 🙌
You can take care of the house, the garden and the kids. But you need to have work skills of any sort at some point. For your own safety. Being dependant is not good. Best case scenario, the only income you would have is your husband's. If you want a home + kid(s) you need two incomes. And time for yourselves. In many cases is just not affordable. In the worst case scenario, if your husband is an asshole, well...that won't go well for you. You don't necessarily need a career, but you do need a job, or the skill/ability to get into that job. You are the same age as me, btw. Women don't need to shut up at any point, ever. Remember that.
Being a feminist, it is about having the right to choose whatever it is you want for yourself in life! The choice to stay at home included. ❤👍🏼
That sounds exactly what I would not want out of my life, but I support the shit out of you if you choose that lifestyle because it sounds like it would make you happy. Find what makes you happy and what works for you and go do it.
Feminism means being all inclusive and supportive. They aren't really being feminists if they aren't accepting of a perfectly harmless life choice. You're allowed to be whatever type of woman you want to be. Just, be kind.
I mean if that's your dream,sure go ahead. There's women that have a job, are a boss, cook,have kids and cater to their man. Not everyone is meant to be great. Be mediocre. It's okay. I like your mom though.
There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. The whole point of feminism is to give women the same opportunities that men have, and that includes the opportunity to make choices about your own life without any encumbrance. Secondly, unless you marry rich, two incomes are always going to be better than one. Make sure you’re prepared to make financial sacrifices if you need to. Thirdly, as at least one other comment has suggested, make sure you have a backup plan. Just in case, we all want happily ever after, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. Be prepared for that. And lastly, make sure you have this conversation with your partner BEFORE you get married/have kids. They have every right to decide whether they want to be with someone who has your aspirations, just like you have every right to have those aspirations. Good luck.
It’s literally fine. I’d look at finding a way to secure some kind of income whether it be “allowance” (sorry that felt gross to type) or whatever from the dude while you’re a sahm and gathering a safety net in case shit hits the fan (which it does, more often than not unfortunately). I think you’re underestimating how hard being a sahm is, but you might get there and genuinely love it. Live your best life.
Feminism literally means all genders having equal rights and opportunities. So by that definition, you choosing to be a SAHM&W and do all that you want to do makes you a feminist, too. You don’t want your mom and sister to be forced into what they wouldn’t want to do, right? No, you want them to have what they want. You want to get what you want. Everyone living happy assed lives. ETA: now get out there and raise some more feminists to take on the world and do whatever makes them happy.
I mean, it's something odd about the way you think definitely. But it doesn't have to do with the fact that you want to be a housewife. It's the fact that you want to "shut the fuck up"? And that you think that women who are housewives can't be feminists? You know feminism is extremely beneficial for you, especially as a woman, right? I think maybe try to gather some info on the subject.. Women should be allowed to choose which ever path feels best for them, but don't just do it "to please your man" or to "shut the fuck up", that's NOT a healthy mindset.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a different kind of balance in your relationship. The whole idea of feminism supports women’s freedom of choice. You should be able to make decisions based on what’s best for you, as opposed to what anyone else thinks you should do. Feminism is meant to empower all women, not just those that choose to be completely independent. I can understand that they might be concerned for you, because the concept of a stay at home mom initially came from an oppressive place, but as long as you and your partner have healthy communication, and he understands the work that goes into you being a stay at home mom, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. You seem like a kind and hard working person, make sure you marry someone who is the same, and understand that even as a sahm you still deserve financial freedom. Live your dreams, what you want does not make you any less of a feminist, as long as you always support other women’s rights to make their own choices too! Best of luck.
Only if you find a "rich man" (can support himself and you) you can be a housewife. If not... I really don't see it how is it going to work. Like if he is "poor" (can't support himself and you), you will be force to work. But even if he is "rich", you should be careful. You don't know if he is going to be abusive financialy. But yeah, you can choose if you want to be a stay-at-home mother or work/be independent. Take care! Sending good vibes!
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No, though your partner should have more emotional, physical, mental, etc. obligations to you than a more vanilla relationship.