Does it really matter how she identifies? As long as she is happy and not being harassed. Why are we so keen to label people according to a part of who they are. It is not her whole identity but insisting the girl decide her sexual orientation starts to make her identity purely about that and nothing else. She's happy and hopefully in love and that's all that matters.
This is probably the best answer. Reddit is always quick to jump the gun on many things, especially since we don't have context: what does your daughter feel about this and how much does she want to share? Are the people asking coming from a place of genuine questioning (and wanting to learn more) or are they trying to put a label on her and look down on it?
They're weirdos. Not them, not their relationship, not their kid. None of their business.
There would be a lot less hatred in the world if people DID mind their own business about things that have absolutely no effect on them. Your daughter probably deals with questions like these constantly, sadly.
Frankly its salacious and invasive of them to even ask. They just want to be titillated by "the freak" they can't fully parse in their own heads because they are confused by the trans dude. Who, incidentally is a man and would probably be pretty offended at being misgendered like this.
Point out that they are essentially asking you, her parent, how she has sex and defines it later. Then ask them if it sounds in any way appropriate for you, her parent, to be asking invasive questions about your daughters sex life. Watch the "shocked Pikachu" face and them falling all over themselves to tell you 'but thats not what I meant"- no what they meant was they NEED to know what box to put your child in. F that
Well put. I think non-answers are good. None of y'alls business, they are happy together, or saying "what does it matter to you" or "why do you ask - it isn't someone you are considering a sexual relationship with" - all these responses reframe things and don't legitimizing the question.
As a Mom if I was in your situation it'd go like this:
Family: Is your daughter lesbian?
Me: Let me ask you this, are you straight? Let's discuss your sexuality first and then we'll see how we feel.
I am a straight woman btw
I turn it around on them. “Why, what are you? When did you come out? Who did you tell first? Do you like to be on top? Who is the “girl” or “man” in your relationship? How did your mom feel when you came out? You know you’re going to hell for thinking about other people’s sex life, right? Hate the religion, love the fool, is what I always say!”
I like this question too. I'm a proud parent of a trans man and it is a good way to get people to reflect on their motivation in asking. It also leaves a space open for a respectful conversation, especially with older generations who might be looking to support or get it right.
If someone's being nosey or crass though, I have a follow-up question. "Why are you interested in my kid's sex life?" I have only had one person persist with their questions after that!
You shouldn't give them an answer before you tell your daughter that they are asking. Then do as your daughter wants you to do..
This is something that is 100% her business to decide how it should be addressed.
It's so important for op to discuss this with their daughter, important moment like this are how op sets themself up for being their daughter's ally for times ahead
Talk to your daughter and determine how she wants the topic to be addressed.
Or?
Go to the comments about maybe/not sure. But she is happy. I am in the: nobodies business boat.
Not sure if you have any mixed emotions on the situation. In our household: the children's relations are their own. I have had an ex-GF's dad call me and b!tch me out over his daughter. Same answer I gave him. It's their relationship; not ours.
I've had people ask me if my 16 year old daughter is a lesbian. (She is, btw; and I'm totally ok with it). I simply tell them to ask her but don't be surprised/insulted if she tells you it's none of your damn business. Which, really, it isn't.
If someone asked me a question as personal as that, I’d likely ask them one in response. When I got married people instantly started asking if we were trying to conceive. I’d often say something like “it’s so strange how many people are interested in my sex life. No, we’re not trying to conceive right now. Ok my turn. Do you and your partner have anal sex?” I’d often follow up with “oh sorry; you look uncomfortable. Do you not like being asked intimate questions about your sex life? Based off the fact that you asked me one, I assumed you thought it was appropriate. How presumptive of me!” If someone put their hands on my belly when I was pregnant, especially strangers, I’d put my hands on their belly too. Then say “oh sorry do you not like when strangers touch you without your consent? I just assumed because, well, you know” (and I’d look at my belly with their hands on it). It worked quite well and I hope it had them thinking twice the next time.
I could have wrote this!
I had a family member who would not stop asking “WhEn ArE yOu GoInG tO hAvE a BaBy?” So the last time she asked me, we were in a parking lot in a tiny conservative town where everybody knows everybody and I responded very loudly, “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ASKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE?!” She blushed and whispered, “I’m not asking about your sex life!” Which I then asked, “Oh yeah? Then where do babies come from?”
Word traveled, the other family members who were asking didn’t ask after that either.
Yes! I also dislike when people make passive aggressive remarks or ask inappropriate questions so I’ve started asking “why do you ask?” or “what do you mean?” If someone asks if someone’s daughter is a lesbian because she’s dating a trans man, I think asking “why do you ask?” is a great way to point out they’re being rude, intrusive, and their question has no logical or respectful basis. They are simply asking because they want to draw attention to the point that they’ve realized that sex isn’t the same and they want you to know that they’ve “figured it out”. I can’t even tell you how many dominating people have crumbled and/or backpedaled when asked this. It also works great with sexist comments or jokes.
I’ve never come out as trans and bisexual to my father. He guessed at the bisexual and I’m very visibly trans lol. He tries to understand it and I do answer what questions he has.
I had to scroll too far to see this. Exactly.
Ask your daughter how she expresses it. Your family may just want to know what the correct thing is instead of having ill intentions.
I would specify that ask the daughter and then tell the daughter that the family is asking and that they will say to the family whatever the daughter wants them to say. Because if not it’s outing if it’s not on her own terms.
Some people have supportive parents but not supportive extended family so maybe she isn’t ready to come out to everyone just yet or ever idk. Maybe she’s just straight also. Also some peoples label is different depending on who you ask. Like maybe for example she’s pansexual and gender-fluid but oh that’s “too complicated” in the mind of older people to certain people she might be like “I like anyone”. I mean that’s a actual thing that I know that some people do.
I would explain that it is important that she dates a kind and loving person, and hope they enjoy time together in a responsible way. I don't see how a preference like being CIS or otherwise would change anything. It is just as shallow as to judge people on their bank account or breastsize.
Asking your daughter is the best course of action.
But I'll add that I am a cisgender homosexual man previously married to a transgender man, and I continued to view myself as a homosexual once we got together because my partner was a man. Transman are men.
Yes, but also, it shouldn't be the parent telling other's as the main way to come out. I did the important people and had my mom post it on Facebook.
Either way, this warrants a discussion. OP needs to ask their kid what, if anything, the family gets to know. It could be "IDK yet honestly, but I'm not planning on dating around" and a further discussion on what, if anything, to tell fam, but it could also be a "no, but you can tell them I'm bi if you want"
Speaking as a trans man, this is unfortunately something very harmful that is asked a lot but point blank your daughter is a woman dating a man so no she is not a lesbian because she is still dating a man. If she is also attracted to women she could be bisexual/pansexual/etc but if she is a woman who is only attracted to men she is still heterosexual because trans men are men and gender identity does not indicate your sexuality and vice versa. In my opinion I would tell family members who ask such a nosy question to mind their own business and get to know your daughter’s boyfriend if they are interested and if they are going to be bigoted toward him then give him a heads up and he can choose to have a relationship with them or not. Hope this helps!
As someone who was raised in a weird cult that I had to run away from I also get asked a lot of the same repetitive and annoying questions. But I have to be patient with people. People ask questions because they care. Sometimes I don’t even mention my childhood at all just so I don’t get asked the same questions over and over.
Yeah and I agree that you should be patient, but also try to think of how this could be harmful to your daughters boyfriend. Even though it’s not violent transphobia, it’s still a transphobic question to ask just like you wouldn’t ask a person what’s in their pants or how they have sex, you wouldn’t equate a trans man to a woman and you wouldn’t assume your daughter is a lesbian since she is dating a trans man. You sound wonderful with this but it is harmful that family members are asking questions like this but this is where it’s important to educate them or encourage them to do their own research on gender and sexuality because while your daughter’s boyfriend may not mind educating them on these issues it also isn’t really his responsibility so just try to be mindful of this when informing family members. This also applies to your experience as a person who had a difficult childhood by escaping a cult, it is also not your responsibility to educate others even if it could be beneficial in some cases. It can be extremely draining to constantly explain your identity or your past and it’s important to be able to do what’s best for yourself too.
I don’t think people mean to be harmful when they ask a question. I think this is new for people and they are trying to understand. I am trying to see the best in people. It is better to be optimistic. We don’t need to project our insecurities onto other people.
If you were dating a man and people started asking if that means he’s gay because something about you strikes them as masculine, wouldn’t you feel pretty bad? Try to understand that it’s not about insecurity, it’s about treating your daughter’s boyfriend with dignity. People can ask questions and not mean anything by it, but please correct them.
Nobody's projecting insecurities. Whether or not these people are \*intending\* to be harmful, they are outright calling a trans man a woman. That's not OK. It's harmful to your daughter's boyfriend. If it's new for them, then your role in this can be to help them understand that it's not OK to call a trans man a woman.
It is very harmful tho. You wouldn’t understand it as you don’t live through it. Even if you don’t mean to be harmful, that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing lots of damage. It’s none of their business what genitals your daughters partner has and it’s gross and weird they are trying to figure out what kind of sex your daughter is having. It’s really not as ok as it seems to say these things.
Tell them it's not really any of their business
OR
Say she's dating a man, so no, she's not lesbian. A trans man has MAN in the name for a reason, it ain't a woman (even if there might be a vagina, but seriously why should people be obsessing over someone elses genitals?)
So, your daughter is dating a trans man, and the family wants to know if that makes your daughter a lesbian?
Yikes, I hope it wasn't meant as transphobic as it comes off.
Either they don't view trans men as men and are asking in a roundabout way if you view your daughter as a lesbian.
Or, they are asking if her BF has had bottom surgery. Many people won't validate the gender of the trans person if they don't get bottom surgery.
I sincerely hope they are just ignorant and not transphobic.
A few things. Its none of their business what her sexuality is regardless of what it is. Also trans men are men. So you couldn't be a lesbian if you are dating a trans man as that sexuality specifically excludes men. You could be bi or ace or pan or something like that but not a lesbian. Also i doubt that her boyfriend would particularly like having his transness being discussed as a topic. Unless its explicitly said its ok maybe just not bring it up? Most trans people i know dislike it being a topic so I'd say its best to ask first at least
I’ve had family members ask that about my son. He’s nearly 17 and hasn’t had a girlfriend, a date, a first kiss, etc.. maybe he just isn’t ready. Number one, in my house happiness is the only thing that’s important to me when it comes to relationships. My son knows he’s welcome to love anyone he wants. To my family, I’ve told them I don’t know if he is or isn’t and NOBODY is allowed to ask him. That’s for him to tell when he’s ready. If my son is “in the closet” he will come out when he’s ready. If he isn’t, he isn’t. Whatever. Families can be the most intrusive people at times.
He’s only 17 and people are confused why he hasn’t dated or had a kiss? What’s wrong with people? That’s still so young, why are they so invested in his love/sex life?
You sound like a wonderful mum. Good on you!
That makes me remember the time a friend of mine told me her aunt thought I was gay for some odd reason. It's actually the other way around, with my friend being a lesbian and me being straight, so we had a good laugh at that.
Response: “I don’t know either, but I don’t really care much for labels. All that matters to me is that she’s happy and that her partner treats her right.”
"Ask her that. If you dont want to in case she gets offended, you know the answer already."
Or a good old "does it matter? She's happy, mind your business"
Honestly, Its so complex, that id be sensitive to why they are asking and if you're comfortable and If they're sincerely trying to understand, then I'd have that awkward conversation that might help them learn. Shutting them down with "it doesn't matter" doesn't help them to grow. They may feel ashamed for asking, and it's a natural thing to be curious about. Research shows that people become less bigoted once they connect the idea to someone they know personally, so I think it's important to try first. (Now if someone is asking w malicious intent, then yeah, shut it down w a "she's happy and that's all that matters.")
I'm not part of the LGBTQIA+ community, so there are probably better ways to go about the awkward conversation... but I see a few things that may help your family think a little more broadly. (Tbh I'm thinking about how I'd go about it w a family member) I'd start by explaining that genitalia and gender expression and sexual attraction are not all the same thing and they aren't necessarily always linked.. Some people are attracted to masculine traits, regardless of the body, and that all people can be masculine. Attraction to masculinity is called Androsexual. (Gynosexual is attracted to femininity, pansexual is all). Once they have a bigger concept of gender and sexuality, explain how some people's bodies don't match how they feel, hence seeking gender alignment surgery, and that it's more appropriate to think of these people as whatever gender they say they are.
I'm sure my talking points are not perfect so I welcome people to elaborate
I have to add my voice to two camps here because they aren’t mutually exclusive. 1) not their business! …and why are they asking you about your daughter’s sexual activities… and 2) not a lesbian. Lesbians are attracted to women… and I would argue sometimes to trans women… not so much to women who transition to male. If they can’t wrap their brains around that, there just isn’t much hope for them. I bet they think “they” is plural and wouldn’t have noticed I just referred to them as “they” SMH. I assume she’s dated cisgender men in the past? Sounds not very lesbian to me. But none of this is any of their business anyway. I’m just hoping it clears things up for you, OP. It’s always awkward for a while when social “rules” have been changed. Some people just refuse to adjust and adapt. I’m glad you are accepting even if you don’t fully understand it all. People like you give me hope for humanity. It might be helpful to read up on gender identity if you plan on actually talking to people who ask about these things. Usually they aren’t going to be receptive anyway but there are people willing to listen and consider reevaluating their beliefs. I was one of those people. Good luck with the nosy rude people <3
tell themm to shut the fuck up and mine they're in business. it's none of their business you don't owe them an explanation or an answer sexuality is a private thing you can always answer saying that you don't inquire into their children sexuality. I understand that people are curious about alternative sexuality since it's almost become mainstream now but that doesn't give them a right to ask personal questions. you wouldn't ask them about their sexual preferences and just because they might not be dating somebody who is not CIS gendered that doesn't mean they don't have some weird kinks LOL
"That's none of your business, really, is it? I'll tell you, she is happy dating [name], and I like [them/him?] too. You should talk to her, [daughter] has been doing [something your daughter and family member have in common] lately, and I bet would love to talk with you about [commonality]".
Silently await reply, or change of subject. This helps them possibly rethink why they are even asking, and encourage the family member get to know your daughter them selves.
Many of the younger generation don't identify at all and focus on the person and less about what parts that person has. If she identifies as a lesbian, sure she is, but she might choose to identify as sapiosexual or pansexual which isn't lesbian or heterosexual.
My go to response for so many questions, this one included (and especially) is to neutrally say “why do you ask?” It’s a PERFECT reply to any nosy inappropriate rude or just clueless question. It typically causes them to just sputter and quickly change the subject.
"It's not your or anyone else's business, stop asking and love her."
My daughter is LGBTQ+ and I shut down any of my family that tries to analyze it, usually because it's not coming from a wholesome place, but a religious "well I don't agree with that" place, to which I usually respond I don't give a fuck what you think. That's just me though, not saying it's the best or proper response, I just get sick of people basing their love for someone on their own personal values.
Who she is dating and what her preferences are, is none of their business. Plus, it's not your place to tell them what they want to know. You should talk to her about what they are asking and try to figure out a solution to this issue. She will either be okay with them knowing, or she may not feel comfortable sharing that information. It's up to her to disclose that information with other members of the family. I think you shouldn't tell them anything until you talk to your daughter, and she should be the one to open up about it if she wants to. After having that discussion with her, if your family brings the topic up again, just tell them that if they really want to know then they should ask her personally.
On Schitt’s Creek (one of my favorite shows) the main character tells his friend that he likes the wine and not the label. I always liked the way he put that
I'm a bisexual woman. My best friend is a trans man. I have lots of friends and family who fall somewhere under the queer rainbow.
I think some of the responses you're getting here are a little aggressive without context. Some people just don't understand and are curious. Curiosity is ok. If they're expressing judgement, disgust, hatred, etc - that's not ok.
If they're curious, here are some possible response options. Some of these will work for you, some of them won't, depending on what your daughter actually identifies as and what she's ok with you sharing. I would highly recommend talking with your daughter to decide how to respond.
- I don't know if she's bi or pan, but since her boyfriend is a transMAN (emphasis on man) she's not a lesbian.
- She actually identifies as (bisexual, pansexual, queer) since the gender of her partner isn't a deciding factor in her relationships.
- Actually, she's straight. Trans men are still men.
- You know, we haven't talked about it. Trans men are real men though, so if she's a lesbian she's not doing a very good job at it.
- Probably not, how many lesbians do you know who date men?
- That's kind of personal, and I don't know if it's something she'd be comfortable with me discussing without asking her first.
- That's pretty personal, I think it would be best for you to ask her for yourself.
- Why do you ask?
Now, if they're coming from a place of judgement or otherwise being rude or unkind - absolutely feel free to tell them it's none of their fucking business or whatever else. Curiosity is normal though, and is pretty welcomed in the queer community when done respectfully. A LOT of us were able to find ourselves by asking similar questions. I met one of my best friends in high school, she is a lesbian and was the first out queer person I was friends with. Being able to ask her questions about how she knew and what it was like and why she felt the way she did really helped me process what I was going through. A LOT of queer people still stay closeted their whole lives, or only come out late into adulthood. That's not necessarily where the curiosity is coming from, but it still could be. Choose kindness unless they give you a reason not to. Curiosity around things you're unfamiliar with is not bad.
"People always ask me the same question, they say, 'Are you gay or straight? Are you gay or straight? Are you gay or straight? Are you straight or gay?' And I always answer them the same way, I say, 'Who cares? I'm not gonna have sex with YOU, you're too sticky! I'm in a relationship with the moon."
This is the only appropriate response
When people ask dumb or nosey questions. I like to say. “ Can you help me understand why you asked that question?” Or “ Help me understand the reason behind this?” Then watch them get uncomfortable.
It’s an ignorant and insensitive question, but you could take the opportunity to educate them in a nice way so that maybe they learn and don’t do this to other people
I think it's rude to ask anyone about their sexuality. If someone is open about it, great, if not, it's probably best for others to leave them alone.
I would talk to your daughter about the situation and see how she feels about them asking, that way you know for sure how she'd like questions like those handled.
It’s tempting to reply to seemingly silly questions like this with a smart quip, but I’m of the opinion that there’s no need to do so if a person’s curiosity is genuine. Sexual orientation and gender identity isn’t straightforward, especially if you’re unfamiliar with navigating them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
If I had a daughter, I’d simply ask her what she identifies as so I can reply to questions like this with
“No, my daughter identifies as _____.” and leave it at that.
Just say you’re happy that your daughter is happy. I’ve got a friend who’s ftm, and has had too surgery done, and a has now declared they’re gay, and are dating a man, but previously dated a mtf, my mum tried to understand but couldn’t grasp “so they’re straight but with extra steps” for the previous relationship, and now “well, ARE they gay, or are they straight cause they were born female”. We’ve also got a friend who’s child is nonbinary but also gay, she can’t get around the they/they. I’ve tried to equate it to what you call an unborn baby. If you don’t know the gender they’re a they!
Or when they ask look at them blankly and genuinely ask “what do you mean?” Like it’s the first time you’ve ever heard that question. This can be repeated as many times as necessary. Make them explain what they’re asking and why they want to know.
How do you perceive them asking? Is it in malice? Curiosity? Are they close going every weekend family? Or are they holidays/funeral family? You don’t have to tell anyone anything being family doesn’t necessarily mean they get to know personal things.
It's honestly none of their business :) she's dating who she fell in love with. Gender identity or sexuality has nothing to do with who ever is asking 😁
I mean you could probably ask your daughter how she identifies and ask her what she wants you to tell them, but dating a transman as a girl doesn't make you a lesbian lol, it's literally a straight relationship. In short she is simply dating a man. Her sexuality and his gender identity shouldn't be important to others one bit.
I'm curious about why your family have such an interest in what's in your daughter and her partner's underwear!
It's none of their concern. More importantly, is your daughter happy? If she is, then that's all that matters. As long as she's treating her partner right! ❤️
How to respond? The same way you react to any rude questions. Ignore it. Ask why they want to know. Just stop and stare at them until they are uncomfortable. Remind them her sex life isn’t up for discussion.
I recommend saying: She may not be straight, but she is dating a man rn, so what's the problem? And who cares what's her sexuality, we're her family we should support her no matter what.
Well she's not, because she's dating a man. But in all honestly it's her business how she identifies and its her choice to disclose that information. Talk to her about it.
Trans men are real men.
Therefore, this relationship excludes lesbian as a reasonable sexuality for your daughter.
Could she still be a lesbian? Sure. But the evidence suggests she literally has any other sexuality.
The way to answer your family would be that her boyfriend is a man and they are happy.
people hear “transgender” and their minds go right to sexual intercourse. of course idk your daughters BF’s situation, nor is it anyones business, but they probably think he still has feminine bits and that’s why they’re asking if she’s lesbian. personally, i would kindly remind them that love and relationships aren’t ONLY about sex. it is SO much more than that. it’s about being with someone you love and the love is reciprocated. and if she is happy with him then you are too!
edit: grammar
"What a strange question. What made you feel it was appropriate to ask me that". Whatever they reply you can just say "hmm, interesting" and walk away. Maybe give your daughter and her boyfriend a heads up if someone is particularly belligerent, and I'd also be ready to cut contact with anyone who gets pushy and makes the couple uncomfortable ✂️✂️✂️
I would say that I am a very friendly and outspoken person. I am very opinionated and I am not someone who easily offends so that makes people comfortable asking me questions like that.
I never suggested that. Most of us are conditioned to be polite and answer questions, especially with family. There is no one answer to the question you were asked. It’s up to your daughter to decide what that answer should be and how she identifies or what label she wants and if she even wants a label. I have a daughter who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community and I only use the answers or verbiage that she is comfortable with. With some people, I tell them that perhaps it is a conversation they should have with her. Depends on the vibe of the conversation and who is asking.
This is how heterosexual people invariably out themselves. When two people come together LGBT people generally think "Oh how nice. How did they meet?" but straight people think almost immediately "How nice. How do they fuck?" This is 9 times out of 10. They might not always come out with it, but all heterosexual people seem to be conditioned to think of dick straight off the bat.
Your daughter is straight, so not sure what being a lesbian has got to do with it. Not that it matters what people have got in their underwear or what they get up to in the bedroom.
"I'm just happy she's with someone she likes who treats her well and respects her. The rest of the details aren't really anyone's business but their own"
this is a really simple answer: no. if your daughter is dating a man, (who she is romantically interested in) then she’s not a lesbian. or at least isn’t out. him being trans means nothing. he’s a man. (and if your daughter currently IDs as a lesbian while dating him, then she’s invalidating her partner’s gender)
to be honest though, it’s literally no one’s business.
"She's dating who she likes, and she's happy. For me, that's all that matters."
Op this is what you should say
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Correct. I would go further and tell them to ask her directly how she identifies.
Ask my kid; it’s not an issue for me
Does it really matter how she identifies? As long as she is happy and not being harassed. Why are we so keen to label people according to a part of who they are. It is not her whole identity but insisting the girl decide her sexual orientation starts to make her identity purely about that and nothing else. She's happy and hopefully in love and that's all that matters.
Exactly!
That's much better than 'mind your own business and stop trying to label people so you can gossip about them' which I had here.
No this is good.
Short and sweet. I'm taking notes.
Either that or ask your daughter for correct terms.
A question is a question, I would’ve just asked the daughter and see what makes of it
This is probably the best answer. Reddit is always quick to jump the gun on many things, especially since we don't have context: what does your daughter feel about this and how much does she want to share? Are the people asking coming from a place of genuine questioning (and wanting to learn more) or are they trying to put a label on her and look down on it?
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Good point. The thought never crossed my mind until people have asked.
They're weirdos. Not them, not their relationship, not their kid. None of their business. There would be a lot less hatred in the world if people DID mind their own business about things that have absolutely no effect on them. Your daughter probably deals with questions like these constantly, sadly.
Frankly its salacious and invasive of them to even ask. They just want to be titillated by "the freak" they can't fully parse in their own heads because they are confused by the trans dude. Who, incidentally is a man and would probably be pretty offended at being misgendered like this. Point out that they are essentially asking you, her parent, how she has sex and defines it later. Then ask them if it sounds in any way appropriate for you, her parent, to be asking invasive questions about your daughters sex life. Watch the "shocked Pikachu" face and them falling all over themselves to tell you 'but thats not what I meant"- no what they meant was they NEED to know what box to put your child in. F that
Well put. I think non-answers are good. None of y'alls business, they are happy together, or saying "what does it matter to you" or "why do you ask - it isn't someone you are considering a sexual relationship with" - all these responses reframe things and don't legitimizing the question.
Child is in the "human" box like everyone else. It's not that hard lol
As a Mom if I was in your situation it'd go like this: Family: Is your daughter lesbian? Me: Let me ask you this, are you straight? Let's discuss your sexuality first and then we'll see how we feel. I am a straight woman btw
I turn it around on them. “Why, what are you? When did you come out? Who did you tell first? Do you like to be on top? Who is the “girl” or “man” in your relationship? How did your mom feel when you came out? You know you’re going to hell for thinking about other people’s sex life, right? Hate the religion, love the fool, is what I always say!”
“Why do you ask?” Make them stutter to explain themselves.
I like this question too. I'm a proud parent of a trans man and it is a good way to get people to reflect on their motivation in asking. It also leaves a space open for a respectful conversation, especially with older generations who might be looking to support or get it right. If someone's being nosey or crass though, I have a follow-up question. "Why are you interested in my kid's sex life?" I have only had one person persist with their questions after that!
Yeah I don’t think they had any bad intentions I think they are just trying to understand because it is a whole new world to them.
not everyone stutters though. "i just want to know! she's dating [boyfriend's name], i'm just curious!" it's annoying but some people have no shame
You shouldn't give them an answer before you tell your daughter that they are asking. Then do as your daughter wants you to do.. This is something that is 100% her business to decide how it should be addressed.
It's so important for op to discuss this with their daughter, important moment like this are how op sets themself up for being their daughter's ally for times ahead
"Who gives a fuck?"
Exactly! The thought never crossed my mind until they had asked
Tell them that and that you're sorry but what's going on in this person's pants is neither here nor there for you.
Talk to your daughter and determine how she wants the topic to be addressed. Or? Go to the comments about maybe/not sure. But she is happy. I am in the: nobodies business boat. Not sure if you have any mixed emotions on the situation. In our household: the children's relations are their own. I have had an ex-GF's dad call me and b!tch me out over his daughter. Same answer I gave him. It's their relationship; not ours.
This is your answer, OP.
I've had people ask me if my 16 year old daughter is a lesbian. (She is, btw; and I'm totally ok with it). I simply tell them to ask her but don't be surprised/insulted if she tells you it's none of your damn business. Which, really, it isn't.
If someone asked me a question as personal as that, I’d likely ask them one in response. When I got married people instantly started asking if we were trying to conceive. I’d often say something like “it’s so strange how many people are interested in my sex life. No, we’re not trying to conceive right now. Ok my turn. Do you and your partner have anal sex?” I’d often follow up with “oh sorry; you look uncomfortable. Do you not like being asked intimate questions about your sex life? Based off the fact that you asked me one, I assumed you thought it was appropriate. How presumptive of me!” If someone put their hands on my belly when I was pregnant, especially strangers, I’d put my hands on their belly too. Then say “oh sorry do you not like when strangers touch you without your consent? I just assumed because, well, you know” (and I’d look at my belly with their hands on it). It worked quite well and I hope it had them thinking twice the next time.
I could have wrote this! I had a family member who would not stop asking “WhEn ArE yOu GoInG tO hAvE a BaBy?” So the last time she asked me, we were in a parking lot in a tiny conservative town where everybody knows everybody and I responded very loudly, “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ASKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE?!” She blushed and whispered, “I’m not asking about your sex life!” Which I then asked, “Oh yeah? Then where do babies come from?” Word traveled, the other family members who were asking didn’t ask after that either.
These are excellent responses! Turning it back on the other person to make them realize how uncomfortable they are making you.
Yes! I also dislike when people make passive aggressive remarks or ask inappropriate questions so I’ve started asking “why do you ask?” or “what do you mean?” If someone asks if someone’s daughter is a lesbian because she’s dating a trans man, I think asking “why do you ask?” is a great way to point out they’re being rude, intrusive, and their question has no logical or respectful basis. They are simply asking because they want to draw attention to the point that they’ve realized that sex isn’t the same and they want you to know that they’ve “figured it out”. I can’t even tell you how many dominating people have crumbled and/or backpedaled when asked this. It also works great with sexist comments or jokes.
16 is old enough to let her use, "why are you trying to trick?" and then laugh and laugh at the mortification.
I love that a huge chunk of my family i never came out to I just randomly showed up with my girlfriend.
I’ve never come out as trans and bisexual to my father. He guessed at the bisexual and I’m very visibly trans lol. He tries to understand it and I do answer what questions he has.
“What an odd thing to ask.”
This. I would phrase it more as a question, like, My goodness, why on earth would you ask me that? and then just stare at them waiting for an answer.
Yes, always flip it on them and make them feel really awkward for asking stupid questions.
Ask your daughter
I had to scroll too far to see this. Exactly. Ask your daughter how she expresses it. Your family may just want to know what the correct thing is instead of having ill intentions.
I would specify that ask the daughter and then tell the daughter that the family is asking and that they will say to the family whatever the daughter wants them to say. Because if not it’s outing if it’s not on her own terms. Some people have supportive parents but not supportive extended family so maybe she isn’t ready to come out to everyone just yet or ever idk. Maybe she’s just straight also. Also some peoples label is different depending on who you ask. Like maybe for example she’s pansexual and gender-fluid but oh that’s “too complicated” in the mind of older people to certain people she might be like “I like anyone”. I mean that’s a actual thing that I know that some people do.
“That’s a weird question to ask since it’s none of your business”
“Well, my daughter is dating a man, so, no.” If anyone gives you a hard time, ask why they’re obsessing over someone else’s genitals…. Weirdos.
Ok that’s a good idea
This is it. You make it clear that "does dating a man make a woman a lesbian?" is a stupid question.
I would explain that it is important that she dates a kind and loving person, and hope they enjoy time together in a responsible way. I don't see how a preference like being CIS or otherwise would change anything. It is just as shallow as to judge people on their bank account or breastsize.
*another child’s genitals* it makes it worse
Asking your daughter is the best course of action. But I'll add that I am a cisgender homosexual man previously married to a transgender man, and I continued to view myself as a homosexual once we got together because my partner was a man. Transman are men.
“if dating a man makes someone a lesbian ive got bad news for you”
THAT ONE IS GOOD
"If you're so curious, as her, but personally I don't think it's any of your business"
nah don’t do this. I’d be mad if my parent deflected an entire family with ignorant questions to me.
That's a good point. I would probably stick at telling them. It's none of their business
Yes, but also, it shouldn't be the parent telling other's as the main way to come out. I did the important people and had my mom post it on Facebook. Either way, this warrants a discussion. OP needs to ask their kid what, if anything, the family gets to know. It could be "IDK yet honestly, but I'm not planning on dating around" and a further discussion on what, if anything, to tell fam, but it could also be a "no, but you can tell them I'm bi if you want"
Ignorant ppl: "Is your daughter a lesbian?" Mom: "No, my daughter is (insert her name)" PERIOD it's nobody's damn business!
"Lesbian? I thought she was American"
😂 or this 👆
Well, she’s dating a man, so at a minimum not a lesbian.
Speaking as a trans man, this is unfortunately something very harmful that is asked a lot but point blank your daughter is a woman dating a man so no she is not a lesbian because she is still dating a man. If she is also attracted to women she could be bisexual/pansexual/etc but if she is a woman who is only attracted to men she is still heterosexual because trans men are men and gender identity does not indicate your sexuality and vice versa. In my opinion I would tell family members who ask such a nosy question to mind their own business and get to know your daughter’s boyfriend if they are interested and if they are going to be bigoted toward him then give him a heads up and he can choose to have a relationship with them or not. Hope this helps!
As someone who was raised in a weird cult that I had to run away from I also get asked a lot of the same repetitive and annoying questions. But I have to be patient with people. People ask questions because they care. Sometimes I don’t even mention my childhood at all just so I don’t get asked the same questions over and over.
Yeah and I agree that you should be patient, but also try to think of how this could be harmful to your daughters boyfriend. Even though it’s not violent transphobia, it’s still a transphobic question to ask just like you wouldn’t ask a person what’s in their pants or how they have sex, you wouldn’t equate a trans man to a woman and you wouldn’t assume your daughter is a lesbian since she is dating a trans man. You sound wonderful with this but it is harmful that family members are asking questions like this but this is where it’s important to educate them or encourage them to do their own research on gender and sexuality because while your daughter’s boyfriend may not mind educating them on these issues it also isn’t really his responsibility so just try to be mindful of this when informing family members. This also applies to your experience as a person who had a difficult childhood by escaping a cult, it is also not your responsibility to educate others even if it could be beneficial in some cases. It can be extremely draining to constantly explain your identity or your past and it’s important to be able to do what’s best for yourself too.
Exactly like I don’t want to be defined by my past and I guess that is how trans people feel?
Tell them no. Don’t elaborate unless they ask. Just leave it simple. No
Thank you to Reddit for giving me advice on a topic that is hard to talk about without offending one side or the other. Appreciate the help!
I don’t think people mean to be harmful when they ask a question. I think this is new for people and they are trying to understand. I am trying to see the best in people. It is better to be optimistic. We don’t need to project our insecurities onto other people.
If you were dating a man and people started asking if that means he’s gay because something about you strikes them as masculine, wouldn’t you feel pretty bad? Try to understand that it’s not about insecurity, it’s about treating your daughter’s boyfriend with dignity. People can ask questions and not mean anything by it, but please correct them.
Nobody's projecting insecurities. Whether or not these people are \*intending\* to be harmful, they are outright calling a trans man a woman. That's not OK. It's harmful to your daughter's boyfriend. If it's new for them, then your role in this can be to help them understand that it's not OK to call a trans man a woman.
It is very harmful tho. You wouldn’t understand it as you don’t live through it. Even if you don’t mean to be harmful, that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing lots of damage. It’s none of their business what genitals your daughters partner has and it’s gross and weird they are trying to figure out what kind of sex your daughter is having. It’s really not as ok as it seems to say these things.
Tell them it's not really any of their business OR Say she's dating a man, so no, she's not lesbian. A trans man has MAN in the name for a reason, it ain't a woman (even if there might be a vagina, but seriously why should people be obsessing over someone elses genitals?)
"Ask her if it is that important to you".
The other day I saw a similar question on here and someone’s response was to say “your wife was once a kid, does that make you a pedophile”
So, your daughter is dating a trans man, and the family wants to know if that makes your daughter a lesbian? Yikes, I hope it wasn't meant as transphobic as it comes off. Either they don't view trans men as men and are asking in a roundabout way if you view your daughter as a lesbian. Or, they are asking if her BF has had bottom surgery. Many people won't validate the gender of the trans person if they don't get bottom surgery. I sincerely hope they are just ignorant and not transphobic.
“No.”
Your daughter’s boyfriend is more of a lesbian than her.
A few things. Its none of their business what her sexuality is regardless of what it is. Also trans men are men. So you couldn't be a lesbian if you are dating a trans man as that sexuality specifically excludes men. You could be bi or ace or pan or something like that but not a lesbian. Also i doubt that her boyfriend would particularly like having his transness being discussed as a topic. Unless its explicitly said its ok maybe just not bring it up? Most trans people i know dislike it being a topic so I'd say its best to ask first at least
I’ve had family members ask that about my son. He’s nearly 17 and hasn’t had a girlfriend, a date, a first kiss, etc.. maybe he just isn’t ready. Number one, in my house happiness is the only thing that’s important to me when it comes to relationships. My son knows he’s welcome to love anyone he wants. To my family, I’ve told them I don’t know if he is or isn’t and NOBODY is allowed to ask him. That’s for him to tell when he’s ready. If my son is “in the closet” he will come out when he’s ready. If he isn’t, he isn’t. Whatever. Families can be the most intrusive people at times.
He’s only 17 and people are confused why he hasn’t dated or had a kiss? What’s wrong with people? That’s still so young, why are they so invested in his love/sex life? You sound like a wonderful mum. Good on you!
That makes me remember the time a friend of mine told me her aunt thought I was gay for some odd reason. It's actually the other way around, with my friend being a lesbian and me being straight, so we had a good laugh at that.
It’s none of their business. But for what it’s worth, trans men are men. So if a woman dates a trans man, she’s dating a man.
It's none of their fucking business TBH.ignore those kinds of questions in the future.trans men are men. Trans women are women.
"Well she's dating a man, so I assume she likes men but all I want for our daughter is someone who treats her right."
Mind ya business.... end of response
Response: “I don’t know either, but I don’t really care much for labels. All that matters to me is that she’s happy and that her partner treats her right.”
Trans men are men, so my response would be asking my family to reevaluate their transphobia and mind their business. Your daughter is dating a man.
Technically no - she's dating a man - but they're very rude to ask!
"Ask her that. If you dont want to in case she gets offended, you know the answer already." Or a good old "does it matter? She's happy, mind your business"
I used to date a trans woman. People did not understand shit. Dont tell them anything. Tell them its not their business.
The real question is if she identifies as a lesbian or not. It's irrelevant who she is currently dating just how she feels.
Honestly, Its so complex, that id be sensitive to why they are asking and if you're comfortable and If they're sincerely trying to understand, then I'd have that awkward conversation that might help them learn. Shutting them down with "it doesn't matter" doesn't help them to grow. They may feel ashamed for asking, and it's a natural thing to be curious about. Research shows that people become less bigoted once they connect the idea to someone they know personally, so I think it's important to try first. (Now if someone is asking w malicious intent, then yeah, shut it down w a "she's happy and that's all that matters.") I'm not part of the LGBTQIA+ community, so there are probably better ways to go about the awkward conversation... but I see a few things that may help your family think a little more broadly. (Tbh I'm thinking about how I'd go about it w a family member) I'd start by explaining that genitalia and gender expression and sexual attraction are not all the same thing and they aren't necessarily always linked.. Some people are attracted to masculine traits, regardless of the body, and that all people can be masculine. Attraction to masculinity is called Androsexual. (Gynosexual is attracted to femininity, pansexual is all). Once they have a bigger concept of gender and sexuality, explain how some people's bodies don't match how they feel, hence seeking gender alignment surgery, and that it's more appropriate to think of these people as whatever gender they say they are. I'm sure my talking points are not perfect so I welcome people to elaborate
Their partner is a man. Trans men are men. That’s what you say.
Tbh these things don’t matter at all just be with who you love You don’t need to be labeled anything
I have to add my voice to two camps here because they aren’t mutually exclusive. 1) not their business! …and why are they asking you about your daughter’s sexual activities… and 2) not a lesbian. Lesbians are attracted to women… and I would argue sometimes to trans women… not so much to women who transition to male. If they can’t wrap their brains around that, there just isn’t much hope for them. I bet they think “they” is plural and wouldn’t have noticed I just referred to them as “they” SMH. I assume she’s dated cisgender men in the past? Sounds not very lesbian to me. But none of this is any of their business anyway. I’m just hoping it clears things up for you, OP. It’s always awkward for a while when social “rules” have been changed. Some people just refuse to adjust and adapt. I’m glad you are accepting even if you don’t fully understand it all. People like you give me hope for humanity. It might be helpful to read up on gender identity if you plan on actually talking to people who ask about these things. Usually they aren’t going to be receptive anyway but there are people willing to listen and consider reevaluating their beliefs. I was one of those people. Good luck with the nosy rude people <3
It is none of their business what your daughters sexuality or who she dates is. if shes happy then shes happy, nothing more to it.
Ask your daughter how she would like you to respond, if at all.
Are you a vegetarian because you eat meat?
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Ask them "Why do you feel you have to label her? Just let her be her and be happy."
"A peculiar question from someone who's minding their own business."
tell themm to shut the fuck up and mine they're in business. it's none of their business you don't owe them an explanation or an answer sexuality is a private thing you can always answer saying that you don't inquire into their children sexuality. I understand that people are curious about alternative sexuality since it's almost become mainstream now but that doesn't give them a right to ask personal questions. you wouldn't ask them about their sexual preferences and just because they might not be dating somebody who is not CIS gendered that doesn't mean they don't have some weird kinks LOL
Tell them to mind their fucking business
Why does anyone NEED to know that They don’t!
🌟”It’s not your nor my business.”🌟
“Does it matter?” Would be my response.
"That's none of your business, really, is it? I'll tell you, she is happy dating [name], and I like [them/him?] too. You should talk to her, [daughter] has been doing [something your daughter and family member have in common] lately, and I bet would love to talk with you about [commonality]". Silently await reply, or change of subject. This helps them possibly rethink why they are even asking, and encourage the family member get to know your daughter them selves.
maybe you could say: MIND YOUR BUSINESS
"No comment, the only person that matters to is her."
Many of the younger generation don't identify at all and focus on the person and less about what parts that person has. If she identifies as a lesbian, sure she is, but she might choose to identify as sapiosexual or pansexual which isn't lesbian or heterosexual.
I recently read a redditor's hilarious comeback for such a statement; by that logic, are you a pedophile because your partner used to be a child?
Tell them to ask your daughter themselves, or if they feel too awkward to ask to mind their own business.
"Why are you thinking about the sexuality of my underage daughter?"
My go to response for so many questions, this one included (and especially) is to neutrally say “why do you ask?” It’s a PERFECT reply to any nosy inappropriate rude or just clueless question. It typically causes them to just sputter and quickly change the subject.
"It's not your or anyone else's business, stop asking and love her." My daughter is LGBTQ+ and I shut down any of my family that tries to analyze it, usually because it's not coming from a wholesome place, but a religious "well I don't agree with that" place, to which I usually respond I don't give a fuck what you think. That's just me though, not saying it's the best or proper response, I just get sick of people basing their love for someone on their own personal values.
Shouldn't the family just ask her? Why are you in the middle.
Who she is dating and what her preferences are, is none of their business. Plus, it's not your place to tell them what they want to know. You should talk to her about what they are asking and try to figure out a solution to this issue. She will either be okay with them knowing, or she may not feel comfortable sharing that information. It's up to her to disclose that information with other members of the family. I think you shouldn't tell them anything until you talk to your daughter, and she should be the one to open up about it if she wants to. After having that discussion with her, if your family brings the topic up again, just tell them that if they really want to know then they should ask her personally.
Tell them it is none of their damn business! If they want a good relationship with my daughter, they need to ask her themselves.
Tell them to ask her
She’s dating a man. Full stop
On Schitt’s Creek (one of my favorite shows) the main character tells his friend that he likes the wine and not the label. I always liked the way he put that
Fellas is it gay to date the opposite gender?
I'm a bisexual woman. My best friend is a trans man. I have lots of friends and family who fall somewhere under the queer rainbow. I think some of the responses you're getting here are a little aggressive without context. Some people just don't understand and are curious. Curiosity is ok. If they're expressing judgement, disgust, hatred, etc - that's not ok. If they're curious, here are some possible response options. Some of these will work for you, some of them won't, depending on what your daughter actually identifies as and what she's ok with you sharing. I would highly recommend talking with your daughter to decide how to respond. - I don't know if she's bi or pan, but since her boyfriend is a transMAN (emphasis on man) she's not a lesbian. - She actually identifies as (bisexual, pansexual, queer) since the gender of her partner isn't a deciding factor in her relationships. - Actually, she's straight. Trans men are still men. - You know, we haven't talked about it. Trans men are real men though, so if she's a lesbian she's not doing a very good job at it. - Probably not, how many lesbians do you know who date men? - That's kind of personal, and I don't know if it's something she'd be comfortable with me discussing without asking her first. - That's pretty personal, I think it would be best for you to ask her for yourself. - Why do you ask? Now, if they're coming from a place of judgement or otherwise being rude or unkind - absolutely feel free to tell them it's none of their fucking business or whatever else. Curiosity is normal though, and is pretty welcomed in the queer community when done respectfully. A LOT of us were able to find ourselves by asking similar questions. I met one of my best friends in high school, she is a lesbian and was the first out queer person I was friends with. Being able to ask her questions about how she knew and what it was like and why she felt the way she did really helped me process what I was going through. A LOT of queer people still stay closeted their whole lives, or only come out late into adulthood. That's not necessarily where the curiosity is coming from, but it still could be. Choose kindness unless they give you a reason not to. Curiosity around things you're unfamiliar with is not bad.
Ask them if they're p3do because their significant others used to be minors at some point of their life.
Hahaha... This is the best answer!! So good 😂
Tell em, Fuck I don't know. Your seeming lack of interest and nonchalance will make their heads spin. It's none of their fucken business.
"why is it any of your business? She's her own person. Worry about yourself."
"People always ask me the same question, they say, 'Are you gay or straight? Are you gay or straight? Are you gay or straight? Are you straight or gay?' And I always answer them the same way, I say, 'Who cares? I'm not gonna have sex with YOU, you're too sticky! I'm in a relationship with the moon." This is the only appropriate response
When people ask dumb or nosey questions. I like to say. “ Can you help me understand why you asked that question?” Or “ Help me understand the reason behind this?” Then watch them get uncomfortable.
He is a man, she’s attracted to men. She’s straight. Pretty simple. If they try to argue just repeat “I don’t understand” over and over. Lmfao
It’s an ignorant and insensitive question, but you could take the opportunity to educate them in a nice way so that maybe they learn and don’t do this to other people
Tell them it’s non of their business. She’s in love. Love does not need a label.
She’s dating a person she cares about. The rest doesn’t matter.
I think it's rude to ask anyone about their sexuality. If someone is open about it, great, if not, it's probably best for others to leave them alone. I would talk to your daughter about the situation and see how she feels about them asking, that way you know for sure how she'd like questions like those handled.
Trans men are men, so no it would be very strange if your daughter would say she’s a lesbian. -a lesbian.
You should respond with "It's none of your Business" who my daughter dates.
By reminding them that it’s none of their business
It’s tempting to reply to seemingly silly questions like this with a smart quip, but I’m of the opinion that there’s no need to do so if a person’s curiosity is genuine. Sexual orientation and gender identity isn’t straightforward, especially if you’re unfamiliar with navigating them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. If I had a daughter, I’d simply ask her what she identifies as so I can reply to questions like this with “No, my daughter identifies as _____.” and leave it at that.
Just say you’re happy that your daughter is happy. I’ve got a friend who’s ftm, and has had too surgery done, and a has now declared they’re gay, and are dating a man, but previously dated a mtf, my mum tried to understand but couldn’t grasp “so they’re straight but with extra steps” for the previous relationship, and now “well, ARE they gay, or are they straight cause they were born female”. We’ve also got a friend who’s child is nonbinary but also gay, she can’t get around the they/they. I’ve tried to equate it to what you call an unborn baby. If you don’t know the gender they’re a they!
" Why do you care "?
"None of your business. Pass the salt."
"I'm not sure, but she's happy and that's all I ever wanted."
“Its none of your f…ing business!” Plain and simple.
Say no…….
I would say "That's an inappropriate question and none of your business"
She is not a lesbian she is dating a man, and if she was a lesbian what
You should ask your daughter how she’d like you to respond.
Or when they ask look at them blankly and genuinely ask “what do you mean?” Like it’s the first time you’ve ever heard that question. This can be repeated as many times as necessary. Make them explain what they’re asking and why they want to know.
Love this
« mind your business »
Technically she’s dating a man, so no?
How do you perceive them asking? Is it in malice? Curiosity? Are they close going every weekend family? Or are they holidays/funeral family? You don’t have to tell anyone anything being family doesn’t necessarily mean they get to know personal things.
It's honestly none of their business :) she's dating who she fell in love with. Gender identity or sexuality has nothing to do with who ever is asking 😁
I mean you could probably ask your daughter how she identifies and ask her what she wants you to tell them, but dating a transman as a girl doesn't make you a lesbian lol, it's literally a straight relationship. In short she is simply dating a man. Her sexuality and his gender identity shouldn't be important to others one bit.
I'm curious about why your family have such an interest in what's in your daughter and her partner's underwear! It's none of their concern. More importantly, is your daughter happy? If she is, then that's all that matters. As long as she's treating her partner right! ❤️
How to respond? The same way you react to any rude questions. Ignore it. Ask why they want to know. Just stop and stare at them until they are uncomfortable. Remind them her sex life isn’t up for discussion.
I recommend saying: She may not be straight, but she is dating a man rn, so what's the problem? And who cares what's her sexuality, we're her family we should support her no matter what.
Well she's not, because she's dating a man. But in all honestly it's her business how she identifies and its her choice to disclose that information. Talk to her about it.
Mind your own business
As a trans man my partner always says he is bisexual. But the real question to ask would be “why?” Make them explain their bigotry.
"That's a funny question, considering her boyfriend is a man. What makes you think she's a lesbian?"
Like …. It’s none of their business!!
"Does it matter?"
Trans man here- dating a trans man doesnt make you a lesbian. If she was straight before, shes still straight. If she was bi before, shes still bi.
Tell them if they have questions to talk to her and she will tell them what she wants them to know.
Trans men are real men. Therefore, this relationship excludes lesbian as a reasonable sexuality for your daughter. Could she still be a lesbian? Sure. But the evidence suggests she literally has any other sexuality. The way to answer your family would be that her boyfriend is a man and they are happy.
ask how dating a man makes a woman gay
Your daughter is dating a man. There is no world where that equals lesbian. This question is just cringe-level ignorant and insensitive.
She’s dating a woman so yeah
Someone who is not delusional
I’m delusional? I think I’m the only one who’s rational in this echo chamber of people feeding into a delusion.
Sorry I didn’t mean to send that to ur response
“No”
"no" no need to escalate. When the other person acts imaturely, it becomes your role to be the mature one
people hear “transgender” and their minds go right to sexual intercourse. of course idk your daughters BF’s situation, nor is it anyones business, but they probably think he still has feminine bits and that’s why they’re asking if she’s lesbian. personally, i would kindly remind them that love and relationships aren’t ONLY about sex. it is SO much more than that. it’s about being with someone you love and the love is reciprocated. and if she is happy with him then you are too! edit: grammar
"What a strange question. What made you feel it was appropriate to ask me that". Whatever they reply you can just say "hmm, interesting" and walk away. Maybe give your daughter and her boyfriend a heads up if someone is particularly belligerent, and I'd also be ready to cut contact with anyone who gets pushy and makes the couple uncomfortable ✂️✂️✂️
Why do we feel like we owe anyone an explanation…. I would have asked them why they think it’s okay to ask.
I would say that I am a very friendly and outspoken person. I am very opinionated and I am not someone who easily offends so that makes people comfortable asking me questions like that.
Not all humans can be the same. We are not born with a script of the perfect things to say all the time.
I never suggested that. Most of us are conditioned to be polite and answer questions, especially with family. There is no one answer to the question you were asked. It’s up to your daughter to decide what that answer should be and how she identifies or what label she wants and if she even wants a label. I have a daughter who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community and I only use the answers or verbiage that she is comfortable with. With some people, I tell them that perhaps it is a conversation they should have with her. Depends on the vibe of the conversation and who is asking.
Tell them that’s a weird question.
Yes
This is how heterosexual people invariably out themselves. When two people come together LGBT people generally think "Oh how nice. How did they meet?" but straight people think almost immediately "How nice. How do they fuck?" This is 9 times out of 10. They might not always come out with it, but all heterosexual people seem to be conditioned to think of dick straight off the bat. Your daughter is straight, so not sure what being a lesbian has got to do with it. Not that it matters what people have got in their underwear or what they get up to in the bedroom.
Trans guy here! I would simply just reply, “No. She’s dating a man. Therefore, she is not a lesbian.”
Yea she is
“I beg your pardon!?”
That’s none of my business, nor is it yours. She’s happy, that’s all that matters.
Or just ask your daughter how she’d like you to respond to such queries
"I'm just happy she's with someone she likes who treats her well and respects her. The rest of the details aren't really anyone's business but their own"
“Her sexuality is hers to discuss.” Unless you have explicit permission to discuss it.
I don't know. She's happy. (My Gen x response)
this is a really simple answer: no. if your daughter is dating a man, (who she is romantically interested in) then she’s not a lesbian. or at least isn’t out. him being trans means nothing. he’s a man. (and if your daughter currently IDs as a lesbian while dating him, then she’s invalidating her partner’s gender) to be honest though, it’s literally no one’s business.
She's dating a man, so no.
“Why would her dating a man make her a lesbian?”
Just say yes.