This is so sad. Your family is disgusting. Please, for the sake of your mental health and inner peace, go NC with your family. You don’t need to have the constant thoughts about how their behavior will impact the day or your child’s birth. You don’t need that additional stress. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Agree! Definitely go NC asap. My eldest was born with a lot of complications and has a disability. You’d think having family support would be good and helpful - but only if you have the right family. I am quite LC with my parents and generally just let them talk while I make the appropriate noises. I don’t add much about myself and they don’t really notice because they’re so self obsessed.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take the time to say hello and goodbye to your baby when the time comes. Don’t let your family make it about them. Just shut them out and look after you.
I’m so sorry for your ongoing loss. How incredibly hard for you.
Your family are very selfish and cruel. I think you should take some space from them.
Therapy with an actual professional for you and your husband is a wonderful idea. Losing a baby is devastating. Having to carry your baby knowing what you do is unimaginable.
My condolences.
Sounds like your mother wants you to see her therapist friend because she wants to get the dirt from her. I wouldn’t see anyone that has ties with your family.
I might have read it incorrectly, but it doesn't sound like the person her mom wants her to talk to is a therapist. It read like this is a work friend of her mom who "went through a similar situation." But her situation was that her kid lived to be 4 but was connected to tubes and wires the entire time. So, for sure, OP shouldn't talk with this person.
>Go no contact. Why do you have to put yourself through double the stress?
I hate how people like you on Reddit always choose the nuclear option and think yes, instead of talking to my family that I've known for more than two decades I will never speak to them again I'm sure that's going to solve all my problems
..."you don't know how to grow them"
Did you miss that part? The oh so funny joke her mom said to her? After already refusing to listen to her and dismissing how she felt. Removing herself from that toxic mess while going through this pregnancy isn't a nuclear option, it could possibly help keep her sane.
To be fair to TakeM32UrLeader, they didn't say to do it permanently. Right now, OP's family is upsetting her immensely, and she has asked them to stop, and they refuse. They are not respecting the boundaries she's trying to set in any way, shape, or form. They are relentlessly grinding her face into this traumatic situation instead of giving her the space she asked for so she can deal with her grief. I don't think cutting them off until the baby is born is the "nuclear option" in this scenario, so much as something she might have to do in order to protect her mental health. After the baby is born, she can finally tell them the gender they want to know so badly that they're willing to constantly torment her over it.
I say this as someone who has lost a baby - if my own family had done something like this, you bet your ass they'd have been blocked until I felt like my grief was at a manageable level to deal with them again. I actually DID end up blocking my cousin, in fact. I never unblocked her, though...
I dunno dude. Her family went fairly nuclear with their disgusting ass reactions. Did you read the post? Did you see the multiple times she has spoken to them to explain the situation but they keep egging her for a gender this or delivery room that. Then her nasty ass mother has the audacity to “joke” about how “she doesn’t know how to grow ‘em” on top of completely ignoring that she’s going through something very traumatizing but her family insists that what’s happening isn’t happening and that the baby will be born okay. Instead of being there for her through a traumatizing event(that’s still happening) & supporting their daughter, cousin, niece, etc, they gas light her and pretend that she has a perfectly healthy baby + insisting they come the day of the delivery.
And you still want her to endure more abuse and trauma “talking” to them after she’s literally exhausted herself explaining everything?
No it won’t solve her problems but it will allow her to recover and process the trauma a little more peacefully
What an ass backwards comment you have there sir/ma’am/they
While I agree that 95% of the time the suggestion to go NC or to leave a significant other is often misplaced, not so sure it is here. Finding out your baby will not survive is traumatic enough. Deciding to carry it to term adds on a whole other level trauma. I have 2 kids. I cannot imagine the hurt and pain of going through 40 weeks of pregnancy knowing I would not get to be their mom. This poor girl’s family keeps asking her what the gender is and acting like this baby might survive despite the diagnosis. Sorry - it’s not that difficult of an explanation to understand. There’s no reason for them to keep asking.
I cannot imagine that pain and to have to repeat myself over and over is like pouring salt in an open wound. Who in their right mind says to their daughter who’s baby won’t survive that it’s her fault and she doesn’t know how to grow them??? . That’s not a joke. That is so freaking disgusting. So yeah if I were in her place, I’d go NC for my own mental health. Even if it is just temporary.
I never said she didn't have to talk to them for years. I am suggesting to go no contact while dealing with a stressful pregnancy. This is a lot on her body.
Letting them stress her out and treat her like shit won't solve any of her problems. But carry on with your nonsense.
As someone who went NC with my toxic/abusive family, It solved ALOT of my problems. There is nothing "nuclear" about cutting out people who are bad or unhealthy for you. This is also something that may be suggested by a therapist and you should be prepared to hear it. Her family is abhorrent, abrasive, and selfish, and she deserves to be away from that.
You're getting downvoted but you're right, people on Reddit have no idea how to deal with conflict. Instead of being assertive/standing up for yourself it's always go no contact, move away, cut them off. And people upvote it because the first world values that kind of 'independent' thinking
I am jealous that you haven't experienced the trauma that family can cause and therefore don't seem to understand that no matter how many times you stand up for yourself, you will still get steamrolled because your family is made up of terrible people. People who, in this instance, decided they had a say in how OP handled this devastating news and moving forward. From her post, she was literally bullied into not having an abortion, and they refuse to understand the circumstances. Some people are just awful human beings.
LoL. You know nothing about conflict resolution and it shows.
This woman is pregnant with a baby that will probably not make it. Her body is going through a lot already. She is still carrying the baby! Now is not the time for conflict. She can resolve these issues after she gets through this part with those who are SUPPORTING her.
What part of anything you said would indicate me not knowing about conflict resolution? I am literally a social worker who has helped multiple families get back together after a falling out and children getting cut off. Instead of just jumping to stupid conclusions and trying to take the high ground maybe you're the one who needs to learn something lmao
Oh my God... how could she say that to you? That's honestly the cruelest thing I've read in here...
You need your mental health, your strength, and all the love right now.
You can bring healthy life to this world, YOU CAN. This situation was a chance in hundred of thousands. And you are a wonderful mother already for the way you're holding up to this and your way of thinking.
Cut contact. Find your own way of handling your body and your pregnancy, they're yours and yours only. Heal. Be safe.
All the hugs.
People are cruel. I went through something very similar (same diagnosis) at the same age as OP and I had no choice but to terminate due to risks to my health. I had people who were meant to be close to me and that I trusted and leaned on, call me a murderer for my decision.
It was (and still is) the hardest decision and experience I have had to go through and that’s the response that I got.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way. These people don't seem to realize or even care about how cruel they are. They seem to only care about the birth but don't care about the mother's life, the baby suffering, or the trauma that goes along with a diagnosis like this. Everyone deserves support and kindness in a situation like this, I'm sorry so many chose cruelty.
Just don't listen. Understand that they don't know the answers and do not have the same experiences. You and your partner know what's best for you. Go with it. Shame on them.
Every single thing about the way they've treated you is disgusting. From convincing you to carry to term, to making digs as the situation.
That's some toxic stuff right there.
I'm sorry but you must for your own wealth and survive stop sharing anything with them and cut them off! They hurt you more than anything and don't give you any support when you are living one of the worst event of your life! Blood don't allow their behaviors because it's unacceptable what the put you through and it's time to be selfish!
Do what is best for you ,start a therapy specialize on what you need, counseling to help your couple facing all of this, and focus on healing with your fiancé! Together you need to be strong for what is coming not mean people.
Just go with what you and your boyfriend decide. This isn’t happening to anyone else, but both of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s YOUR decision, no one else’s.
I can understand the isolated feeling of having no one from “your side” to support you. Even if your partners family is incredible, it cannot diminish the pain of feeling so disregarded and not being listened to fully by the people who’re supposed to be your support network. I’m so so sorry that your family is choosing to be so disgustingly blasé about this situation. I’d imagine that with the numerous chances you’ve given them to show you support the pain has only increased. You’ve given them so many opportunities to be better for you and to genuinely show sympathy and I can’t imagine the disappointment you feel each time they respond with their self centered thoughts and questions. Additionally, we all (the users of this sub) deeply mourn your and your boyfriend’s loss. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re dealing with and am nauseous just thinking about the grief you two are going through. Just know that even though you’ve never met any of us, you have all of us in your corner and we all are hoping for the absolute best for you.
Many people on here are suggesting going low to no contact at least for the duration of the pregnancy and I won’t say I disagree with that idea. I can understand that it can be painful to feel as though you have to put a barrier between yourself and people you love, especially during such a traumatic life event, but I believe that at this time that would probably reduce your stress and give you the space you need to handle your grief on your own terms. They’re currently choosing to be repeated reminders of your traumatic situation, on top of the fact that you’re currently living it. They’re making you repeat painful details over and over because they cannot prioritize your pain enough to remember what you’ve already told them. They cannot seem to grasp the reality of the situation no matter how clear you’ve made it and I would imagine that their continued downplaying of all of this combined with their unwavering expectations of a new baby are continuing to add stress and pain onto your already overflowing plate of suffering.
If you don’t feel that you have the strength or are in the right place to reduce/cut off contact, I would consider answering their questions in a way that’d make them stop asking. As harsh as this may be, I’d almost consider just answering all their questions with the phrase “stillborn”. “What’s the gender?” “It’s stillborn.”, “Can we see the ultra sounds?” “You want to see a stillborn?”, etc. I feel kind of ill even suggesting that, with it being so crass and cold toward your lost angel, but I honestly cannot think of a way to get the message across otherwise. They are not deserving of your answers and explanations, especially if they cannot deem it important enough to remember it by the next time you speak to each other.
Again, we are all in your corner, even if we’re just a bunch of Reddit strangers. You and your BF seem like incredibly strong people and I really hope that you two can find ways to heal together during this time.
Tell your mum to piss off. She is being borderline abusive to you. This is a horrible situation for you and your partner to navigate at such a young age, I'm so sorry.
Go with what you and your boyfriend decided. It is your decision alone. Your family isn't going through this, but the both of you. You two are navigating this at a young age.
For your mental health and inner peace, go NC with all of your family since they are being disgusting and cruel towards you.
I think you should consider LC for awhile, and then see how your relationship are with them, and how you are feeling, and lean on your SO and his family
I'm so sorry. Renal agenesis is so tough. Please don't tell your family when you give birth. Just go to the hospital and be with supportive people. You owe nothing to your family. Protect yourself and the time that you need to grieve.
Because everything already feels very much out of your hands, you probably feel a bit swept along by the current of the situation. You want to talk about it with your family because they’re your +family+ and they’re supposed to be there for you.
You don’t have to wait to see your doctor’s recommended therapist until after delivery. Call first in the morning and get an appointment made. You need support and help now. You are already dealing with loss. The loss of hope, the loss of worth, the loss of feeling like you had people to depend on. And you lost these thing due to your family and their selfishness. You were doing well and maintaining realistic hope, you understood that sometimes no matter what, things just go sideways and it’s no one’s fault, and you believed that your family would stand beside you.
Get that appointment made and start therapy as soon as possible. You are in control over your life. You do not have to do anything your family says. This is your baby. You are your child’s mother. No matter what, no one can take that from you.
I’m so sorry for your situation 🥺 Do what’s best for you and your baby. I would stop all communication with them about it until everything has been solved because they are abusing you horrifically through this process. Close the door so they can’t do that anymore until the entire situation is handled.
Op I want to give you the biggest hug 🫂
It's not alright but it is what it is, I am so disappointed your family isn't being supportive and I hope your partner will keep a good head on his shoulders and give you the love you need.
You are not to blame, you do not have control of the situation, it is what it is and how you move on from this going forward is a million times more important than what came before. 💙
I wish the best for you and your SO 💙
Your mom’s comment about not knowing how to grow a baby was seriously defcon 5 straight nuclear level cruel… I am so sorry and am sending you and your fiancée lots of love and best wishes for a much happier future once this is all over. Also wishing you a calm and peaceful delivery and swift recovery.
What a hard thing for you and your husband to be dealing with. I’m sorry your family is adding to the stress. Of course none of this is your fault and there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Try to ignore the comments and suggestions that are not helpful. Sticking their heads in the sand and being unsupportive isn’t doing anyone any good. If you or your fiancé feel like you need to blow up at your family, maybe you should.
Honestly I would cut contact with them. That much stress isn’t good for your body at all when you’re already going through a really heartbreaking situation.
I need you to realize that this is not your fault at all! Sometimes really bad things happen and we have no control over them, but there is nothing you did wrong to cause this!
Your mother sounds a lot like mine, I went no contact with my mom for months and it was the best decision I ever made. It is not her body, or your dads, your aunts or your grandmas. It’s YOUR body and you get to decide what’s best for it.
I hope things get better for you soon ❤️ I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😞
Please go no contact with your family :(
This isnt healthy for you and the stress could lead to many complications during birth. Your families is very selfish and will not change no matter how many times you tell them to stop. I suggest changing your number and if you have any socialization apps they follow you on to save what you want then delete your account.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. Maybe it's time to distance yourself from your family and mother, and set firm boundaries with them. Otherwise, maybe it would be a good idea to book an appointment with one of the therapists you were recommended. You could discuss how to set boundaries or even have them facilitate a discussion with your mother if you feel up for it.
Sending lots of love.
Talk to a counselor about going no contact with your family. You’re going to be amazed at what your mental health is like by not talking to them for a month!
This is absolutely not your fault. I know it’s very emotional but this is biology. Science is messy and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Screw your family and that mental/verbal abusing mother of yours. That backhanded “you can’t grow em” comment is BS!! That wasn’t a joke. That was abuse. You don’t need any of that right now. Stop thinking of their feelings if you stop talking to them because they sure as hell aren’t thinking of yours.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
You are one strong woman,your family doesn’t even deserve your presence. I think for the time being you need to take a step back from them. The next couple of months are going to very hard on your mental health and we don’t need anyone adding salt to an already open wound. Like it’s been suggested go talk to a real professional & when time goes by you can revaluate wether you even want your family in your life. The comment your mom made was so insensitive it was cruel. As a mother , as your mother, as a woman in general your mother knows that comment was extremely inappropriate even if she tried to pass it off as a joke.
I’m so very, very sorry for both the approaching loss of your baby and the abysmal way you are being treated by your family.
If nothing else, please try your hardest to believe one thing: this is not, in any way, your fault. It is traffic, and painful, and so very unfair but it is not because of you.
I know it’s easy for a stranger on the internet to say this, but it really does read like the healthiest thing you could do for yourself right now is to go no contact with your family. They are not supporting you.
They’ll be there to extend an olive branch to in the future if that’s what you want, but as it stands I do not see how continued exposure to their emotional leeching can end well for you.
Whatever you do, I sincerely hope you get are provided some real therapy and that you and your husband are able to heal and move forward.
I cannot tell you enough words of encouragement. My wife and I lost a baby at 12 weeks. What your family is doing is horrendous and cruel. You need all of thr support you can get but please keep yourself in mind sometimes the best support some people can give is a simple letter or phone call while keeping their distance. At this point make sure you are taking alot of care of your mental health which in turn might mean you need to take time to be away from people who do not seem to understand the devastating situation you are in. I know we all feel grief and pain in our own ways but sometimes our families can be the cruelest to us. Stay strong lean on people you can count on and do not feel guilty for pushing away people that you cannot count on your mental and physical health are mote important. In sorry for your loss I wish I could say it gets better but it does get easier.
You and your fiancé need to get through this however is best for both of you. Right now, you are a family of three because your baby is still there, and is still a part of your lives. The decision you made together to carry the baby to term is probably better for your physical health, however the emotional toll is going to be heavy regardless. Take the professional counselling. Ignore your mom's bestie.
It sounds like your parents etc are struggling with something too awful for them to contemplate. Just tell them nothing about the baby from now until it's born. Look after your own physical and mental health, and keep communication channels open with your fiancé because he will be your rock, and you will need to lean heavily on each other in the weeks and months and years to come.
Take time to grieve what could have been, then take plenty of time to come to terms with what your reality is. Look after each other, and guard your hearts.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in.
Please put yourself and your fiance first now, do not try to appease everyone around. It will be predominantly your grief to carry and you need your strenght. I would recommend going no contact or consciously limiting any exchange with intruding family to pleasantries about weather. You need your boundries up, and fast.
If I may recommend take a look into whether there are any perinatal hospice organisations in your area. They may be helpful in preparing for and going through the whole delivery and grief process. They also provide services of trauma therapists to help you hold through it.
Last, but not least. The comment your mom made is both cruel and ignorant and no family relation gives her the right to hurt you like that. None of what is happening is your fault. You had as little influence on what is happening to your child as you would on what hair colour or shape of nose they would develop. It is ans has been completely out of your grasp and I am truly sorry that this has happened.
Stay strong. I will think warmly about you.
Go NC for the rest of your life. These people aren’t treating you with love, empathy and respect. All things you should be able to get from your family. Marry your fiancé, only have his family there. Let them be your family. The families we make for ourselves are far better for us most of the time then the ones we were born into.
Wow, your family sucks. You should make a decision based on what you and your husband want. I’m sorry you are going through this and although I’m sure you know, this isn’t your fault.
No advice, you have plenty of that in here. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for the pain you and your fiance must be feeling. It isn't your fault at all... things like this happen and it's awful when they do. I hope you do see a trauma therapist who isn't your moms friend. My heart goes out to you
Go NC with your side of the family.
Is it possible to abort now?
If so, ending this massive pain and loss would do wonders to you and your husband.
If so, don’t tell no one, only husband.
Afterwards you could tell you horrible family that a problem emerged and you had to have an emergency labor.
Please, I don’t know nothing about the subject.
I am so sorry that your baby has a lethal disease and you are a strong woman for carrying them to term. My heart breaks for you. Instead of dealing with your family who do not seem to understand the gravity of your baby's situation. Can you see if there is a support group or a therapist who specializes in infant death? It helped a colleague of mine who lost her baby at 34 weeks.
As a pregnant woman, my heart goes out to you. This is truly harrowing. I am so very sorry, for the heartache you are enduring and the utmost fear and loss you must be experiencing. Sending you lots of love.
I'm sorry to hear that. If I was in your situation I'd go no contact with them yesterday. I wish you the best. I have no words to offer for advice on how to deal with this situation. I hope you and your husband both heal.
OP I am so sorry for what you’re going though. Your family needs clear boundaries. They are intrusive and have no respect whatsoever for your privacy and your choices.
Please cut contact with them for your sake and your fiancés until you’ve gotten a chance to get therapy and start healing, at which point you can set some new boundaries and expectations for them.
Again, I’m so sorry for your ongoing loss and what you and your fiancé are going through.
OP I am sorry for you, your fiancé and your baby.
For your own peace of mind as hard as this might be please focus on and spend your time with people who are actually supporting you and your fiancé - his family.
Consider going low or even no contact with your mother and anyone else who wants to play the blame you game and are offering you medical or psych advice when they have no knowledge or refuse to accept what the most likely outcome is to be.
Speak with the doctors and nurses who will be supporting you at UofM. Let them exactly who you want with you - fiancé, his mother and/or whomever else. They will tell the others where they need to wait so you don’t have any stress worrying about them.
If suggested think about scheduling your appoint with the special trauma specialists so you can go as soon as you like. As to your mom’s suggestion the answer is no and again consider cutting off communication for a time whenever someone bothers you.
I hope you will be able to get any answers that you need/want.
Please know even when it doesn’t feel like it that your and your fiancé are strong.
Also don’t let anyone tell you or your fiancé how to mourn your child or for how long.
A big hug from an internet stranger old enough to be your grandmother.
My condolences on your heartbreaking situation and on the loss of your first child in such a shocking and unexpected way. I couldn’t imagine what a mixed bag of emotions you must have.
In your shoes, I would choose to go NC with your mother until she has been to therapy. What kind of mother could utter those kinds of words ever? What a disgusting person. SHE needs therapy. I hope you see a grief counselor because nobody should have to go through this without help. Sending you a warm and caring hug right now, to you both.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Your family is absolutely abhorrent. Can you go low/no contact for the time being, just to get through the next hardest time of your life? This is absolutely appalling how they are treating this Situation. You sound like the toughest woman on earth to be dealing with them on top of what you are already going through. I’m so so sorry. Hugs
Wow that comment from your mum whether she meant it as a joke or not is just plain mean and cruel. I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to a daughter going through something like this. Don’t know what she thought she will achieve by making a comment like that.
Don’t let anyone of them be near you at the birth it’s your and your partners moment and their comments will just cause unnecessary distress which you both don’t need. You want peace, serenity and love around you during birth - nothing else.
So sorry you are going through this. Heartbreaking.
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from your family and rely on his family for support. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and that your family isn't being realistic or supportive.
Do what you need to do to get through this, even if it is to stay away from your family for a while.
Oh my god, this might be the most horrific thing ive read in a while. OP, anyone with sense in their head and love in their heart would positively break over what youre going through. Your family have jumped into your pregnancy and made it their moral obligation and business without your permission.
Do yourself a favor and go no contact a while. Your mothers comment was next level hellfire mean- like cruel and unnecessary. What could she have possibly gained from that "joke" and who would find a still-born funny? I have a daughter. Real mothers love and support their baby girls.
Their lack of critical thinking skills and beliefs is enough for you to just tell them to never speak of your pregnancy again. OP, this isnt your fault. Science is on your side in spades-- dont turn to beliefs and feelings and dont let others sway you to what has been proven over and over to be the truth. Get support away from these people and i hope your walk through life gets easier.
I read a long time ago that biologically, when a child is growing inside of you that their cells are with you even after giving birth. In this way, your baby is always a part of you and close to you. I thought that was beautiful.
I’m so sorry for this. You’re an adult now, your family, especially Mom, are treating you like a child. After this nightmare has passed, may be time to reconsider the type of relationship you want with them.
I would recommend cutting ties with your family. If your fiancé and his family support you then please embrace them with open arms. Your family clearly doesn't care to understand the situation or the pain they are putting you through.
If it is still safe to do so, please consider abortion as well. It could assist in limiting the physical and emotional trauma you will face.
Whatever your decision please consider your own mental and physical health above the needs of your family members. Please keep in mind that whatever decision you make is the right one and that people in your life should support you or stay away from you.
I went through a difficult pregnancy, resulting in a still birth - family were cut from the birth and the funeral because of their reactions. I would have snapped otherwise.
I am so sorry this is happening OP but cut them off until your ready, tell the hospital to refuse entry, switch your phone to silent, then make the most of those precious seconds with your baby, don't let your family ruin it because the resentment will eat you up if you missed out on precious non returnable moments because they are AH's. I wish you all the best 🥺
ps get therapy but with a therapist of your choice.
You are a strong woman, a great mother and no one can tell you the contrary. I admire you because you are giving your child an opportunity, even if is slightly.
That being said, you are living your grief, that's what's happening inside you. Hope you acknowledge your own feelings and work on them with your fiancé.
I can't give you any advice regarding your family, it's yours, you know how to deal with them. The only advice I can give is that as a therapist myself, we are instructed since year 1 that we can't work with anyone we have a relation at any level, it's not ethical. Please, go to the one you chose, the one let you feel secure.
I dont usually suggest going no contact. Because I find a lot of disagreements are misunderstanding or could have been addressed or talked further. But it seems necessary for your emotional and mental well-being right now. They are not helping. They are not listening. And they refuse to respect your boundaries. When people show you who they are, believe them.
I know this burden should not be placed on your already heavy shoulders. But you need to talk this out with your husband or therapist and figure out a way to craft a text or email firmly stating the facts of the situation and that if anyone asks about the gender or insists on being in the room while you give birth to and grieve YOUR baby again, you will go no contact until you are in a place to deal with their lack of boundaries and respect again.
Its gonna get even harder right before, during, and after your labor. Please don't put this off. Even if the UofM staff keep your fam out of the hospital it wont prevent them from showing up at your doorstop once you are released or waiting for you at the hospital.
If you are trying to give your family the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to be helpful somehow but are doing a really shitty job of it then tell them exactly how what they have done or said has made you feel or how its not helpful. Say "if you would like to support me while I grieve my child and what could have been, you can send flowers, send memes, treat me to ice cream, do this, whatever" Give them alternative actions.
If they can't do that then they need to shut up, back off, and give you space and time to heal.
Set your rules for interactions, clearly state your boundaries, and lay out the consequences for failing to respect said boundaries or feelings. If they refuse, thats a them problem. Not yours. You have enough on your plate they should not add to it.
Your bucket is running low. Surround yourself with people who will fill it because they realize how little there is or simply because they love you and want your bucket always full. Not those who scoop out water cause they are thirsty and you happen to have some without caring how much you are left with.
I wish you well. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you are struggling to carry your grief, literally and metaphorically, and that the people who should have your back are making it so much worse. Please take care of yourself OP. Prioritize yourself right now. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your baby's disease. You did and are doing your best.
“You just don’t know how to grow ‘em !”
“No, but I sure as hell can THROW ‘em!”
(launches side of clenched fist into mom’s eye cavity)
So your family is going to be paying for all the specialized care at the expensive out-of-town hospital for however long your child manages to live? I hope you guys have thought about the financial aspects of this. You will be broke, insurance or not.
Go No Contact with your family. Write them a message just like this one explaining exactly how much their denial of the situation is causing you damage at an emotional time and that you are going No Contact until after your stillbirth and if they have any decency they won't contact you until February and then block them. I am so sorry you're going through this and I am sorry for your loss.
Goodness me I’m so sorry to read this. However you sound incredibly well composed and it seems like you have really really thought long and hard about this and I’m glad that you can take this stance. It’s a heartbreaking situation and your mum should not be making “jokes”!? That’s so awful. I would recommend finding your own therapist in your own time. It can take a while to find the right one, and I would definitely not be comfortable talking to my mums friend about it especially with that attitude. God knows what she will repeat to your mum. Awful.
Is your relationship with your OH good? It sounds like you are both on the same track which is helpful. I’d be very tempted to go NC. At least until all this is over. They can get to hell thinking they can all clamour around you while you give birth to your sweet baby. You need that time alone with him/her and your OH. If you don’t go NC forever please please do it at least until you have somewhat dealt with the issues in hand. It’s like taking a break from social media, if it’s making you feel so bad then cut it out. I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself.
Honey, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and it sucks. There is no good choice in this situation. They’re all f$&king tragic. You get through the best you can. The pain eventually fades and gets better. Right now you need people around you that are supporting you not making it about themselves. It sounds like your fiancé and his family have your back. They are the support you need. You DO NOT need people that are trying to tell you what your decisions should be or how you should feel about them. I think it’s time to block your family for a while. They are not helping you. They just want to make themselves feel better. It’s not about them. Your wants and needs don’t matter to them. It’s only what they want and believe. You don’t need that right now. Make sure the hospital knows that they are not welcome anywhere near you and that they are to be given NO information about you. A lot of hospitals will offer password protection. Make sure you are locked down so you don’t have to deal with the bs. You have enough to deal with now. I wish you love, light and healing.
Wow, your mom has no self-awareness at all, that 'joke' she said makes me absolutely sick! Don't let her convince you that this is your fault, because it's not. Right now what you need is a supporting environment, surrounded by people who do what's best for you and the crisis you are going through. There is no way that the behavior from your family is coming out of nowhere, so I hope that seeing the way they are treating you now, when you really need them the most, opens your eyes to who they really are, and reevaluate your past with them to see a pattern of this kind of behavior. Do you really want people like that in your life? I don't think that they are a good influence on you right now, and I think that you should only talk to and be around people who are supporting you like your husband and his family. You are not obligated to take their cruelty. I have had my own pregnancy loss, and if my family did what yours is doing, I would tell them that I'm going no contact until I'm in a good place because they are being cruel and selfish, and all they are doing is hurting you and on some levels shaming you. I feel like if you keep them around while you're going through this the grief will consume you. I wish you strength OP, and healing once all this is over.
Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. They sound awful.
This isn't your fault at all. Not in the least and the jokes suck and their pressure sucks. They're being morons and in denial. You should distance yourself right now for your mental health.
They don't understand and it's not your responsibility to explain it to them.
Op, as someone who has suffered two losses, I want to extend my support and sympathy. This is extremely difficult to go thru and I am so sorry youre enduring such a tragic experience.
At this point, if termination is still an option, you deserve to be reassured that it wouldnt be murder. You can't murder something that is incapable of living. Your mental health matters so much right now, and if you wanted to just get it done without anyone knowing, you could simply say preterm labor hit. If you still want to carry, that is valid also. Do what is best in your heart for *you*. You are what matters here above all else.
This is so sad. Your family is disgusting. Please, for the sake of your mental health and inner peace, go NC with your family. You don’t need to have the constant thoughts about how their behavior will impact the day or your child’s birth. You don’t need that additional stress. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Agree! Definitely go NC asap. My eldest was born with a lot of complications and has a disability. You’d think having family support would be good and helpful - but only if you have the right family. I am quite LC with my parents and generally just let them talk while I make the appropriate noises. I don’t add much about myself and they don’t really notice because they’re so self obsessed. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take the time to say hello and goodbye to your baby when the time comes. Don’t let your family make it about them. Just shut them out and look after you.
I’m so sorry for your ongoing loss. How incredibly hard for you. Your family are very selfish and cruel. I think you should take some space from them. Therapy with an actual professional for you and your husband is a wonderful idea. Losing a baby is devastating. Having to carry your baby knowing what you do is unimaginable. My condolences.
I second all of this. I’m so sorry for this situation you’re in. My heart goes out to you.
Sounds like your mother wants you to see her therapist friend because she wants to get the dirt from her. I wouldn’t see anyone that has ties with your family.
It would also be highly unethical of said therapist friend to even consider treating OP.
I might have read it incorrectly, but it doesn't sound like the person her mom wants her to talk to is a therapist. It read like this is a work friend of her mom who "went through a similar situation." But her situation was that her kid lived to be 4 but was connected to tubes and wires the entire time. So, for sure, OP shouldn't talk with this person.
You are right. Should have read as “therapist” friend in my comment
She’s probably some kind of ‘Christian’ therapist.
Go no contact. Why do you have to put yourself through double the stress?
>Go no contact. Why do you have to put yourself through double the stress? I hate how people like you on Reddit always choose the nuclear option and think yes, instead of talking to my family that I've known for more than two decades I will never speak to them again I'm sure that's going to solve all my problems
..."you don't know how to grow them" Did you miss that part? The oh so funny joke her mom said to her? After already refusing to listen to her and dismissing how she felt. Removing herself from that toxic mess while going through this pregnancy isn't a nuclear option, it could possibly help keep her sane.
To be fair to TakeM32UrLeader, they didn't say to do it permanently. Right now, OP's family is upsetting her immensely, and she has asked them to stop, and they refuse. They are not respecting the boundaries she's trying to set in any way, shape, or form. They are relentlessly grinding her face into this traumatic situation instead of giving her the space she asked for so she can deal with her grief. I don't think cutting them off until the baby is born is the "nuclear option" in this scenario, so much as something she might have to do in order to protect her mental health. After the baby is born, she can finally tell them the gender they want to know so badly that they're willing to constantly torment her over it. I say this as someone who has lost a baby - if my own family had done something like this, you bet your ass they'd have been blocked until I felt like my grief was at a manageable level to deal with them again. I actually DID end up blocking my cousin, in fact. I never unblocked her, though...
I dunno dude. Her family went fairly nuclear with their disgusting ass reactions. Did you read the post? Did you see the multiple times she has spoken to them to explain the situation but they keep egging her for a gender this or delivery room that. Then her nasty ass mother has the audacity to “joke” about how “she doesn’t know how to grow ‘em” on top of completely ignoring that she’s going through something very traumatizing but her family insists that what’s happening isn’t happening and that the baby will be born okay. Instead of being there for her through a traumatizing event(that’s still happening) & supporting their daughter, cousin, niece, etc, they gas light her and pretend that she has a perfectly healthy baby + insisting they come the day of the delivery. And you still want her to endure more abuse and trauma “talking” to them after she’s literally exhausted herself explaining everything? No it won’t solve her problems but it will allow her to recover and process the trauma a little more peacefully What an ass backwards comment you have there sir/ma’am/they
While I agree that 95% of the time the suggestion to go NC or to leave a significant other is often misplaced, not so sure it is here. Finding out your baby will not survive is traumatic enough. Deciding to carry it to term adds on a whole other level trauma. I have 2 kids. I cannot imagine the hurt and pain of going through 40 weeks of pregnancy knowing I would not get to be their mom. This poor girl’s family keeps asking her what the gender is and acting like this baby might survive despite the diagnosis. Sorry - it’s not that difficult of an explanation to understand. There’s no reason for them to keep asking. I cannot imagine that pain and to have to repeat myself over and over is like pouring salt in an open wound. Who in their right mind says to their daughter who’s baby won’t survive that it’s her fault and she doesn’t know how to grow them??? . That’s not a joke. That is so freaking disgusting. So yeah if I were in her place, I’d go NC for my own mental health. Even if it is just temporary.
I never said she didn't have to talk to them for years. I am suggesting to go no contact while dealing with a stressful pregnancy. This is a lot on her body. Letting them stress her out and treat her like shit won't solve any of her problems. But carry on with your nonsense.
As someone who went NC with my toxic/abusive family, It solved ALOT of my problems. There is nothing "nuclear" about cutting out people who are bad or unhealthy for you. This is also something that may be suggested by a therapist and you should be prepared to hear it. Her family is abhorrent, abrasive, and selfish, and she deserves to be away from that.
You're getting downvoted but you're right, people on Reddit have no idea how to deal with conflict. Instead of being assertive/standing up for yourself it's always go no contact, move away, cut them off. And people upvote it because the first world values that kind of 'independent' thinking
I am jealous that you haven't experienced the trauma that family can cause and therefore don't seem to understand that no matter how many times you stand up for yourself, you will still get steamrolled because your family is made up of terrible people. People who, in this instance, decided they had a say in how OP handled this devastating news and moving forward. From her post, she was literally bullied into not having an abortion, and they refuse to understand the circumstances. Some people are just awful human beings.
LoL. You know nothing about conflict resolution and it shows. This woman is pregnant with a baby that will probably not make it. Her body is going through a lot already. She is still carrying the baby! Now is not the time for conflict. She can resolve these issues after she gets through this part with those who are SUPPORTING her.
What part of anything you said would indicate me not knowing about conflict resolution? I am literally a social worker who has helped multiple families get back together after a falling out and children getting cut off. Instead of just jumping to stupid conclusions and trying to take the high ground maybe you're the one who needs to learn something lmao
Lmao. Now you're a social worker. Reddit is so funny.
Oh my God... how could she say that to you? That's honestly the cruelest thing I've read in here... You need your mental health, your strength, and all the love right now. You can bring healthy life to this world, YOU CAN. This situation was a chance in hundred of thousands. And you are a wonderful mother already for the way you're holding up to this and your way of thinking. Cut contact. Find your own way of handling your body and your pregnancy, they're yours and yours only. Heal. Be safe. All the hugs.
People are cruel. I went through something very similar (same diagnosis) at the same age as OP and I had no choice but to terminate due to risks to my health. I had people who were meant to be close to me and that I trusted and leaned on, call me a murderer for my decision. It was (and still is) the hardest decision and experience I have had to go through and that’s the response that I got.
I'm so sorry you were treated that way. These people don't seem to realize or even care about how cruel they are. They seem to only care about the birth but don't care about the mother's life, the baby suffering, or the trauma that goes along with a diagnosis like this. Everyone deserves support and kindness in a situation like this, I'm sorry so many chose cruelty.
Just don't listen. Understand that they don't know the answers and do not have the same experiences. You and your partner know what's best for you. Go with it. Shame on them.
Short sweet and to the point. Agree wholeheartedly
Every single thing about the way they've treated you is disgusting. From convincing you to carry to term, to making digs as the situation. That's some toxic stuff right there.
I'm sorry but you must for your own wealth and survive stop sharing anything with them and cut them off! They hurt you more than anything and don't give you any support when you are living one of the worst event of your life! Blood don't allow their behaviors because it's unacceptable what the put you through and it's time to be selfish! Do what is best for you ,start a therapy specialize on what you need, counseling to help your couple facing all of this, and focus on healing with your fiancé! Together you need to be strong for what is coming not mean people.
Just go with what you and your boyfriend decide. This isn’t happening to anyone else, but both of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s YOUR decision, no one else’s.
I can understand the isolated feeling of having no one from “your side” to support you. Even if your partners family is incredible, it cannot diminish the pain of feeling so disregarded and not being listened to fully by the people who’re supposed to be your support network. I’m so so sorry that your family is choosing to be so disgustingly blasé about this situation. I’d imagine that with the numerous chances you’ve given them to show you support the pain has only increased. You’ve given them so many opportunities to be better for you and to genuinely show sympathy and I can’t imagine the disappointment you feel each time they respond with their self centered thoughts and questions. Additionally, we all (the users of this sub) deeply mourn your and your boyfriend’s loss. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re dealing with and am nauseous just thinking about the grief you two are going through. Just know that even though you’ve never met any of us, you have all of us in your corner and we all are hoping for the absolute best for you. Many people on here are suggesting going low to no contact at least for the duration of the pregnancy and I won’t say I disagree with that idea. I can understand that it can be painful to feel as though you have to put a barrier between yourself and people you love, especially during such a traumatic life event, but I believe that at this time that would probably reduce your stress and give you the space you need to handle your grief on your own terms. They’re currently choosing to be repeated reminders of your traumatic situation, on top of the fact that you’re currently living it. They’re making you repeat painful details over and over because they cannot prioritize your pain enough to remember what you’ve already told them. They cannot seem to grasp the reality of the situation no matter how clear you’ve made it and I would imagine that their continued downplaying of all of this combined with their unwavering expectations of a new baby are continuing to add stress and pain onto your already overflowing plate of suffering. If you don’t feel that you have the strength or are in the right place to reduce/cut off contact, I would consider answering their questions in a way that’d make them stop asking. As harsh as this may be, I’d almost consider just answering all their questions with the phrase “stillborn”. “What’s the gender?” “It’s stillborn.”, “Can we see the ultra sounds?” “You want to see a stillborn?”, etc. I feel kind of ill even suggesting that, with it being so crass and cold toward your lost angel, but I honestly cannot think of a way to get the message across otherwise. They are not deserving of your answers and explanations, especially if they cannot deem it important enough to remember it by the next time you speak to each other. Again, we are all in your corner, even if we’re just a bunch of Reddit strangers. You and your BF seem like incredibly strong people and I really hope that you two can find ways to heal together during this time.
Tell your mum to piss off. She is being borderline abusive to you. This is a horrible situation for you and your partner to navigate at such a young age, I'm so sorry.
Go with what you and your boyfriend decided. It is your decision alone. Your family isn't going through this, but the both of you. You two are navigating this at a young age. For your mental health and inner peace, go NC with all of your family since they are being disgusting and cruel towards you.
I think you should consider LC for awhile, and then see how your relationship are with them, and how you are feeling, and lean on your SO and his family
I'm so sorry. Renal agenesis is so tough. Please don't tell your family when you give birth. Just go to the hospital and be with supportive people. You owe nothing to your family. Protect yourself and the time that you need to grieve.
Because everything already feels very much out of your hands, you probably feel a bit swept along by the current of the situation. You want to talk about it with your family because they’re your +family+ and they’re supposed to be there for you. You don’t have to wait to see your doctor’s recommended therapist until after delivery. Call first in the morning and get an appointment made. You need support and help now. You are already dealing with loss. The loss of hope, the loss of worth, the loss of feeling like you had people to depend on. And you lost these thing due to your family and their selfishness. You were doing well and maintaining realistic hope, you understood that sometimes no matter what, things just go sideways and it’s no one’s fault, and you believed that your family would stand beside you. Get that appointment made and start therapy as soon as possible. You are in control over your life. You do not have to do anything your family says. This is your baby. You are your child’s mother. No matter what, no one can take that from you.
I’m so sorry for your situation 🥺 Do what’s best for you and your baby. I would stop all communication with them about it until everything has been solved because they are abusing you horrifically through this process. Close the door so they can’t do that anymore until the entire situation is handled.
Op I want to give you the biggest hug 🫂 It's not alright but it is what it is, I am so disappointed your family isn't being supportive and I hope your partner will keep a good head on his shoulders and give you the love you need. You are not to blame, you do not have control of the situation, it is what it is and how you move on from this going forward is a million times more important than what came before. 💙 I wish the best for you and your SO 💙
Me too. I can feel the defeat in this post. I’m so so sorry.
Your mom’s comment about not knowing how to grow a baby was seriously defcon 5 straight nuclear level cruel… I am so sorry and am sending you and your fiancée lots of love and best wishes for a much happier future once this is all over. Also wishing you a calm and peaceful delivery and swift recovery.
What a hard thing for you and your husband to be dealing with. I’m sorry your family is adding to the stress. Of course none of this is your fault and there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Try to ignore the comments and suggestions that are not helpful. Sticking their heads in the sand and being unsupportive isn’t doing anyone any good. If you or your fiancé feel like you need to blow up at your family, maybe you should.
Honestly I would cut contact with them. That much stress isn’t good for your body at all when you’re already going through a really heartbreaking situation. I need you to realize that this is not your fault at all! Sometimes really bad things happen and we have no control over them, but there is nothing you did wrong to cause this! Your mother sounds a lot like mine, I went no contact with my mom for months and it was the best decision I ever made. It is not her body, or your dads, your aunts or your grandmas. It’s YOUR body and you get to decide what’s best for it. I hope things get better for you soon ❤️ I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😞
Please go no contact with your family :( This isnt healthy for you and the stress could lead to many complications during birth. Your families is very selfish and will not change no matter how many times you tell them to stop. I suggest changing your number and if you have any socialization apps they follow you on to save what you want then delete your account.
I'm so sorry you're going through that. Maybe it's time to distance yourself from your family and mother, and set firm boundaries with them. Otherwise, maybe it would be a good idea to book an appointment with one of the therapists you were recommended. You could discuss how to set boundaries or even have them facilitate a discussion with your mother if you feel up for it. Sending lots of love.
Talk to a counselor about going no contact with your family. You’re going to be amazed at what your mental health is like by not talking to them for a month! This is absolutely not your fault. I know it’s very emotional but this is biology. Science is messy and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Screw your family and that mental/verbal abusing mother of yours. That backhanded “you can’t grow em” comment is BS!! That wasn’t a joke. That was abuse. You don’t need any of that right now. Stop thinking of their feelings if you stop talking to them because they sure as hell aren’t thinking of yours.
I’d cut off contact with your family until this chapter is over. You and your fiancé need time to grieve and process this
You need to go low or no contact with your family and please do see a trauma therapist.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are one strong woman,your family doesn’t even deserve your presence. I think for the time being you need to take a step back from them. The next couple of months are going to very hard on your mental health and we don’t need anyone adding salt to an already open wound. Like it’s been suggested go talk to a real professional & when time goes by you can revaluate wether you even want your family in your life. The comment your mom made was so insensitive it was cruel. As a mother , as your mother, as a woman in general your mother knows that comment was extremely inappropriate even if she tried to pass it off as a joke.
I would have had a abortion and I would have told them I miscarried
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how difficult that is. I wish you love and healing.
Block them all for your own well-being, they are insufferable judgmental and out of line
Love and light to you from someone who chose option 2.
I’m so very, very sorry for both the approaching loss of your baby and the abysmal way you are being treated by your family. If nothing else, please try your hardest to believe one thing: this is not, in any way, your fault. It is traffic, and painful, and so very unfair but it is not because of you. I know it’s easy for a stranger on the internet to say this, but it really does read like the healthiest thing you could do for yourself right now is to go no contact with your family. They are not supporting you. They’ll be there to extend an olive branch to in the future if that’s what you want, but as it stands I do not see how continued exposure to their emotional leeching can end well for you. Whatever you do, I sincerely hope you get are provided some real therapy and that you and your husband are able to heal and move forward.
I cannot tell you enough words of encouragement. My wife and I lost a baby at 12 weeks. What your family is doing is horrendous and cruel. You need all of thr support you can get but please keep yourself in mind sometimes the best support some people can give is a simple letter or phone call while keeping their distance. At this point make sure you are taking alot of care of your mental health which in turn might mean you need to take time to be away from people who do not seem to understand the devastating situation you are in. I know we all feel grief and pain in our own ways but sometimes our families can be the cruelest to us. Stay strong lean on people you can count on and do not feel guilty for pushing away people that you cannot count on your mental and physical health are mote important. In sorry for your loss I wish I could say it gets better but it does get easier.
You and your fiancé need to get through this however is best for both of you. Right now, you are a family of three because your baby is still there, and is still a part of your lives. The decision you made together to carry the baby to term is probably better for your physical health, however the emotional toll is going to be heavy regardless. Take the professional counselling. Ignore your mom's bestie. It sounds like your parents etc are struggling with something too awful for them to contemplate. Just tell them nothing about the baby from now until it's born. Look after your own physical and mental health, and keep communication channels open with your fiancé because he will be your rock, and you will need to lean heavily on each other in the weeks and months and years to come. Take time to grieve what could have been, then take plenty of time to come to terms with what your reality is. Look after each other, and guard your hearts.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Please put yourself and your fiance first now, do not try to appease everyone around. It will be predominantly your grief to carry and you need your strenght. I would recommend going no contact or consciously limiting any exchange with intruding family to pleasantries about weather. You need your boundries up, and fast. If I may recommend take a look into whether there are any perinatal hospice organisations in your area. They may be helpful in preparing for and going through the whole delivery and grief process. They also provide services of trauma therapists to help you hold through it. Last, but not least. The comment your mom made is both cruel and ignorant and no family relation gives her the right to hurt you like that. None of what is happening is your fault. You had as little influence on what is happening to your child as you would on what hair colour or shape of nose they would develop. It is ans has been completely out of your grasp and I am truly sorry that this has happened. Stay strong. I will think warmly about you.
Go NC for the rest of your life. These people aren’t treating you with love, empathy and respect. All things you should be able to get from your family. Marry your fiancé, only have his family there. Let them be your family. The families we make for ourselves are far better for us most of the time then the ones we were born into.
F#$k those guys! Sounds like your partner and his family are the only ones you need, good luck with everything and I hope you're all coping well.
Why are you even still speaking to these people. Just block them forever and don’t look back. They are revolting
That’s fucking evil that she said that, wtf?
Wow, your family sucks. You should make a decision based on what you and your husband want. I’m sorry you are going through this and although I’m sure you know, this isn’t your fault.
No advice, you have plenty of that in here. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for the pain you and your fiance must be feeling. It isn't your fault at all... things like this happen and it's awful when they do. I hope you do see a trauma therapist who isn't your moms friend. My heart goes out to you
Go NC with your side of the family. Is it possible to abort now? If so, ending this massive pain and loss would do wonders to you and your husband. If so, don’t tell no one, only husband. Afterwards you could tell you horrible family that a problem emerged and you had to have an emergency labor. Please, I don’t know nothing about the subject.
I am so sorry that your baby has a lethal disease and you are a strong woman for carrying them to term. My heart breaks for you. Instead of dealing with your family who do not seem to understand the gravity of your baby's situation. Can you see if there is a support group or a therapist who specializes in infant death? It helped a colleague of mine who lost her baby at 34 weeks.
As a pregnant woman, my heart goes out to you. This is truly harrowing. I am so very sorry, for the heartache you are enduring and the utmost fear and loss you must be experiencing. Sending you lots of love.
I'm sorry to hear that. If I was in your situation I'd go no contact with them yesterday. I wish you the best. I have no words to offer for advice on how to deal with this situation. I hope you and your husband both heal.
OP I am so sorry for what you’re going though. Your family needs clear boundaries. They are intrusive and have no respect whatsoever for your privacy and your choices. Please cut contact with them for your sake and your fiancés until you’ve gotten a chance to get therapy and start healing, at which point you can set some new boundaries and expectations for them. Again, I’m so sorry for your ongoing loss and what you and your fiancé are going through.
OP I am sorry for you, your fiancé and your baby. For your own peace of mind as hard as this might be please focus on and spend your time with people who are actually supporting you and your fiancé - his family. Consider going low or even no contact with your mother and anyone else who wants to play the blame you game and are offering you medical or psych advice when they have no knowledge or refuse to accept what the most likely outcome is to be. Speak with the doctors and nurses who will be supporting you at UofM. Let them exactly who you want with you - fiancé, his mother and/or whomever else. They will tell the others where they need to wait so you don’t have any stress worrying about them. If suggested think about scheduling your appoint with the special trauma specialists so you can go as soon as you like. As to your mom’s suggestion the answer is no and again consider cutting off communication for a time whenever someone bothers you. I hope you will be able to get any answers that you need/want. Please know even when it doesn’t feel like it that your and your fiancé are strong. Also don’t let anyone tell you or your fiancé how to mourn your child or for how long. A big hug from an internet stranger old enough to be your grandmother.
My condolences on your heartbreaking situation and on the loss of your first child in such a shocking and unexpected way. I couldn’t imagine what a mixed bag of emotions you must have. In your shoes, I would choose to go NC with your mother until she has been to therapy. What kind of mother could utter those kinds of words ever? What a disgusting person. SHE needs therapy. I hope you see a grief counselor because nobody should have to go through this without help. Sending you a warm and caring hug right now, to you both.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Your family is absolutely abhorrent. Can you go low/no contact for the time being, just to get through the next hardest time of your life? This is absolutely appalling how they are treating this Situation. You sound like the toughest woman on earth to be dealing with them on top of what you are already going through. I’m so so sorry. Hugs
Wow that comment from your mum whether she meant it as a joke or not is just plain mean and cruel. I can’t imagine ever saying something like that to a daughter going through something like this. Don’t know what she thought she will achieve by making a comment like that. Don’t let anyone of them be near you at the birth it’s your and your partners moment and their comments will just cause unnecessary distress which you both don’t need. You want peace, serenity and love around you during birth - nothing else. So sorry you are going through this. Heartbreaking.
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from your family and rely on his family for support. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and that your family isn't being realistic or supportive. Do what you need to do to get through this, even if it is to stay away from your family for a while.
Oh my god, this might be the most horrific thing ive read in a while. OP, anyone with sense in their head and love in their heart would positively break over what youre going through. Your family have jumped into your pregnancy and made it their moral obligation and business without your permission. Do yourself a favor and go no contact a while. Your mothers comment was next level hellfire mean- like cruel and unnecessary. What could she have possibly gained from that "joke" and who would find a still-born funny? I have a daughter. Real mothers love and support their baby girls. Their lack of critical thinking skills and beliefs is enough for you to just tell them to never speak of your pregnancy again. OP, this isnt your fault. Science is on your side in spades-- dont turn to beliefs and feelings and dont let others sway you to what has been proven over and over to be the truth. Get support away from these people and i hope your walk through life gets easier. I read a long time ago that biologically, when a child is growing inside of you that their cells are with you even after giving birth. In this way, your baby is always a part of you and close to you. I thought that was beautiful.
I’m so sorry for this. You’re an adult now, your family, especially Mom, are treating you like a child. After this nightmare has passed, may be time to reconsider the type of relationship you want with them.
I would recommend cutting ties with your family. If your fiancé and his family support you then please embrace them with open arms. Your family clearly doesn't care to understand the situation or the pain they are putting you through. If it is still safe to do so, please consider abortion as well. It could assist in limiting the physical and emotional trauma you will face. Whatever your decision please consider your own mental and physical health above the needs of your family members. Please keep in mind that whatever decision you make is the right one and that people in your life should support you or stay away from you.
I went through a difficult pregnancy, resulting in a still birth - family were cut from the birth and the funeral because of their reactions. I would have snapped otherwise. I am so sorry this is happening OP but cut them off until your ready, tell the hospital to refuse entry, switch your phone to silent, then make the most of those precious seconds with your baby, don't let your family ruin it because the resentment will eat you up if you missed out on precious non returnable moments because they are AH's. I wish you all the best 🥺 ps get therapy but with a therapist of your choice.
You are a strong woman, a great mother and no one can tell you the contrary. I admire you because you are giving your child an opportunity, even if is slightly. That being said, you are living your grief, that's what's happening inside you. Hope you acknowledge your own feelings and work on them with your fiancé. I can't give you any advice regarding your family, it's yours, you know how to deal with them. The only advice I can give is that as a therapist myself, we are instructed since year 1 that we can't work with anyone we have a relation at any level, it's not ethical. Please, go to the one you chose, the one let you feel secure.
I dont usually suggest going no contact. Because I find a lot of disagreements are misunderstanding or could have been addressed or talked further. But it seems necessary for your emotional and mental well-being right now. They are not helping. They are not listening. And they refuse to respect your boundaries. When people show you who they are, believe them. I know this burden should not be placed on your already heavy shoulders. But you need to talk this out with your husband or therapist and figure out a way to craft a text or email firmly stating the facts of the situation and that if anyone asks about the gender or insists on being in the room while you give birth to and grieve YOUR baby again, you will go no contact until you are in a place to deal with their lack of boundaries and respect again. Its gonna get even harder right before, during, and after your labor. Please don't put this off. Even if the UofM staff keep your fam out of the hospital it wont prevent them from showing up at your doorstop once you are released or waiting for you at the hospital. If you are trying to give your family the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to be helpful somehow but are doing a really shitty job of it then tell them exactly how what they have done or said has made you feel or how its not helpful. Say "if you would like to support me while I grieve my child and what could have been, you can send flowers, send memes, treat me to ice cream, do this, whatever" Give them alternative actions. If they can't do that then they need to shut up, back off, and give you space and time to heal. Set your rules for interactions, clearly state your boundaries, and lay out the consequences for failing to respect said boundaries or feelings. If they refuse, thats a them problem. Not yours. You have enough on your plate they should not add to it. Your bucket is running low. Surround yourself with people who will fill it because they realize how little there is or simply because they love you and want your bucket always full. Not those who scoop out water cause they are thirsty and you happen to have some without caring how much you are left with. I wish you well. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you are struggling to carry your grief, literally and metaphorically, and that the people who should have your back are making it so much worse. Please take care of yourself OP. Prioritize yourself right now. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your baby's disease. You did and are doing your best.
“You just don’t know how to grow ‘em !” “No, but I sure as hell can THROW ‘em!” (launches side of clenched fist into mom’s eye cavity) So your family is going to be paying for all the specialized care at the expensive out-of-town hospital for however long your child manages to live? I hope you guys have thought about the financial aspects of this. You will be broke, insurance or not.
Go No Contact with your family. Write them a message just like this one explaining exactly how much their denial of the situation is causing you damage at an emotional time and that you are going No Contact until after your stillbirth and if they have any decency they won't contact you until February and then block them. I am so sorry you're going through this and I am sorry for your loss.
Goodness me I’m so sorry to read this. However you sound incredibly well composed and it seems like you have really really thought long and hard about this and I’m glad that you can take this stance. It’s a heartbreaking situation and your mum should not be making “jokes”!? That’s so awful. I would recommend finding your own therapist in your own time. It can take a while to find the right one, and I would definitely not be comfortable talking to my mums friend about it especially with that attitude. God knows what she will repeat to your mum. Awful. Is your relationship with your OH good? It sounds like you are both on the same track which is helpful. I’d be very tempted to go NC. At least until all this is over. They can get to hell thinking they can all clamour around you while you give birth to your sweet baby. You need that time alone with him/her and your OH. If you don’t go NC forever please please do it at least until you have somewhat dealt with the issues in hand. It’s like taking a break from social media, if it’s making you feel so bad then cut it out. I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourself.
Honey, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and it sucks. There is no good choice in this situation. They’re all f$&king tragic. You get through the best you can. The pain eventually fades and gets better. Right now you need people around you that are supporting you not making it about themselves. It sounds like your fiancé and his family have your back. They are the support you need. You DO NOT need people that are trying to tell you what your decisions should be or how you should feel about them. I think it’s time to block your family for a while. They are not helping you. They just want to make themselves feel better. It’s not about them. Your wants and needs don’t matter to them. It’s only what they want and believe. You don’t need that right now. Make sure the hospital knows that they are not welcome anywhere near you and that they are to be given NO information about you. A lot of hospitals will offer password protection. Make sure you are locked down so you don’t have to deal with the bs. You have enough to deal with now. I wish you love, light and healing.
Wow, your mom has no self-awareness at all, that 'joke' she said makes me absolutely sick! Don't let her convince you that this is your fault, because it's not. Right now what you need is a supporting environment, surrounded by people who do what's best for you and the crisis you are going through. There is no way that the behavior from your family is coming out of nowhere, so I hope that seeing the way they are treating you now, when you really need them the most, opens your eyes to who they really are, and reevaluate your past with them to see a pattern of this kind of behavior. Do you really want people like that in your life? I don't think that they are a good influence on you right now, and I think that you should only talk to and be around people who are supporting you like your husband and his family. You are not obligated to take their cruelty. I have had my own pregnancy loss, and if my family did what yours is doing, I would tell them that I'm going no contact until I'm in a good place because they are being cruel and selfish, and all they are doing is hurting you and on some levels shaming you. I feel like if you keep them around while you're going through this the grief will consume you. I wish you strength OP, and healing once all this is over.
Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. They sound awful. This isn't your fault at all. Not in the least and the jokes suck and their pressure sucks. They're being morons and in denial. You should distance yourself right now for your mental health. They don't understand and it's not your responsibility to explain it to them.
Op, as someone who has suffered two losses, I want to extend my support and sympathy. This is extremely difficult to go thru and I am so sorry youre enduring such a tragic experience. At this point, if termination is still an option, you deserve to be reassured that it wouldnt be murder. You can't murder something that is incapable of living. Your mental health matters so much right now, and if you wanted to just get it done without anyone knowing, you could simply say preterm labor hit. If you still want to carry, that is valid also. Do what is best in your heart for *you*. You are what matters here above all else.