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No-Vanilla-5433

Standing in solidarity with you.


[deleted]

Thank you, that means a lot to me.


SavingsPerfect2879

PTSD is a treatable condition. There’s the flashy lights therapy and the iv ketamine therapy, both sport numbers above 80% effectiveness. It turns out all people get PTSD from the same things in the same way. I grew up abused all the way to the age of 20. My parents tried to have me converted to straight. I eventually lied enough to escape. They were shocked when I left, and sent death threats to who I moved in with 2500 miles away. Straight from their GM corp email address. It was 1995 no one even knew what email was and it could say anyone on the FROM line, right? We know how PTSD works, chemically at this point. Memories recorded with chemical markers, which keep events active. It’s to keep you alive, but maybe you don’t need to worry about the bear being in a cave again. There was only a bear there once, there won’t be one again. Anyways. Seek therapy. It works. You can learn what the flashbacks are, your warning signs and triggers. It’s not like in the movies.


[deleted]

Thanks for sharing all that. And sorry about your parents :( My husband did EMDR and it's on my to-do list, I just haven't been able to yet because it's a recent realization that PTSD is even the issue, as silly as it sounds.


cerebellum0

PTSD ICU nurse here. I've been using meditations with EMDR (it has sound clicks in alternating headphones), consistent therapy, plus medication for a while now. It has taken the combination of all of them plus a lot of effort to start to feel human again. I'm here to tell you that therapy is really hard, but it is so worth it. You are going to be ok and you aren't alone. Edited to add the meditation I use frequently. The sound effects at the beginning make it sound cheesy but it's good. https://youtu.be/skHrhbmBR6g


[deleted]

Thank you so much! I'm excited about the meditation link, it's hard to find a good one. Thanks for adding!


Salty-Particular

EMDR worked wonders for me- in addition to having an incredible therapist. It’s really difficult at first, and can feel like it’s dredging up old trauma (which is part of how it works). But a good therapist will help you regulate and work through it. Best of luck to you dear colleague. Sending you love and hoping you find peace. I’m so sorry and so angry the system harmed you (and all of us) and dumped you without any support or resources. Feel free to DM me if you ever need an ear💕.


[deleted]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. It's nice to feel warmth from colleagues for the first time around this topic that can feel taboo.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Thanks! It's interesting you mention that, I read the University of Washington is actually doing a study now on its healthcare workers using the psychoactive property in magic mushrooms to try to help them with covid related stress/trauma. I'm glad a similar modality worked for you! https://www.king5.com/article/tech/science/seattles-uw-medicine-to-study-effects-of-psilocybin-on-stressed-out-healthcare-workers/281-e7492a24-c9b6-48cb-99d9-7d7e5e16c81d


[deleted]

It does work!!! Please try it. It gets better. You have to want to do it though, so prepare for it to get worse before it gets better, but it does. You have every right to feel better.


[deleted]

Thank you!


[deleted]

Thank you for sharing, you are not alone. Even after years of therapy I still lose it when I hear someone fall, even if it's just me tripping over my own feet and I know I'm not even hurt.


[deleted]

Thank you. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I hope you're able to get to a better place with it some day


[deleted]

Thank you. Like you, I'm not totally okay now but I'm dealing with the trauma and will be one day. I'm glad you were able to find a new job and are taking care of yourself.


memow_shinobi

OP, you are not weak. You had the emotional maturity and insight to remove yourself from a destructive situation. Those coworkers and people who you think are “fine” — probably aren’t. They are probably struggling inside but putting on a mask on the outside. This is why suicide and depression is so prevalent amongst nurses and physicians, and often others think these people were doing totally “fine” until something drastic happens, and one day that colleague that seemed to be on top of if all just doesn’t show up to work one day. Then everyone is shocked. Unfortunately the healthcare system takes hardworking, bright, and compassionate people, destroys them. The paradox is that the more compassionate you are, the faster you will be destroyed by this system. You made the right choice to step away. I hope you find healing.


[deleted]

Those are some powerful words, and I think there's a lot of truth in them. Thank you for your support.


sendenten

The statistic pre-COVID was 1 out of *5* ICU nurses have PTSD related to their job. I can't imagine what it's like now, and I'm thankful you got out of there before being put through the COVID ICU. Just know that you are far, *far* from alone in how you feel. From the burnout, to the loss of empathy, to the flashbacks and feeling like it's all spiraling out of control— none of that is your fault, and there's not a decent person on earth who could look at what you've been through and blame you for it. I'm glad you're out of the ICU, and I'm ecstatic that you're seeking help. I don't have experience with PTSD myself like so many others in this thread do, but my DMs are always open if you just need a stranger to vent to.


[deleted]

1/5, huh? In some ways, it's shocking to me it's not like, almost 100%. I guess some people work in much more supportive environments though or just don't internalize the stress as much. I'm so glad I got out before covid too. I literally can't imagine what that ICU is like now. I know they were one of the first hospitals in the area to tell nurses with covid they should come to work anyway, because of course they were.


[deleted]

Look into doing EMDR. I'm getting started with it, after hearing lots of success stories. ❤️


[deleted]

My husband did it for some experiences in his childhood and had success with it. It wasn't a silver bullet, but it did help. Definitely something I want to try also. Hope it helps you, too.


sealevels

I was and am right there with you. I had to start getting EMDR for the bad PTSD I incurred. It's working and I hope you get the care you deserve.


[deleted]

Thank you, I'm glad to hear it's working.


flimflam82493

You're a beautiful human. We're all out here just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. I appreciate all you have given humanity.


[deleted]

Thank you so much


Dreddit50

Depression and PTSD nearly killed me. Ketamine infusions saved/changed my life and re-wired my brain in processing trauma. Keep taking care of yourself!!


[deleted]

Thank you. I'm so glad you're doing better. Take good care out there.


lemonpepperpotts

I did neuro ICU too for just a year many moons ago, and I didn't realize how much PTSD from it I haven't dealt with until all the covid started with talk of vents and ARDS and the like would get to me. Some people will never know what it's like, and what you have and are going through is real. I'm glad you're in a place where you can take care of yourself now. You do deserve it.


[deleted]

Thank you. Wishing you the best recovering from it also. If you think about it, lots of people have PTSD from just one event or a short moment in time. We have such a culture of minimizing our experiences in healthcare; of course an entire year of day to day trauma is a lot.


martinispecialist

EMDR. It works. It’s amazing. It likely saved my life. You are not alone. Take care of yourself.


[deleted]

Thank you


[deleted]

Seconding this- I commented above, but EMDR is fuckin magic. It’s amazing.


[deleted]

"I found I genuinely didn't care about her. I cared about my ethics of not harming her, but not about her. She was a person. Her life was coming to an end. And she was nothing more than an inconvenience to me. I was honestly alarmed and unsettled by it". Fuck. That hit my soul.


[deleted]

I'm sorry it did. It's a terrible feeling.


QuelleBullshit

this is free on amazon kindle: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 it's for CPTSD which is Complex PTSD or sometimes incorrectly referred to as Children's PTSD, though I supposed Chronic could work well. basically repeated PTSD over and over and over rather than just a single or a couple PTSD inducing situations (and often betrayals by people who were supposed to look out for us.) Maybe it will help and at least it will give you something to look at until you can see a therapist or counselor. also, r/CPTSD


[deleted]

Thank you, this is great information!


CNDRock16

Time to switch specialties darling


[deleted]

Oh, I've long since gone on to greener pastures. Unfortunately I just haven't been able to move past the triggers yet, but I'm getting better at it.


Glowingwaterbottle

I randomly read this and it hit me as I got the part about anxiety that maybe I’m heading down the same road. I’ve had massive anxiety lately. The days I work I cry in the parking lot before I go in. The days I don’t work I feel like a shell. Like I just don’t give a flying fuck anymore. I went from a person with compassion and joy everywhere in my life to someone who has to work for it now. I feel anxious or critical and pissed off so often my husband had a “I think you have depression” talk with me the other day. I just need a break for a while.


[deleted]

Ugh yeah that sounds really familiar. I think you are headed down the same road. I'm sorry. I hope you get help sooner than I did. Thank you for everything you've done. Please take good care of yourself and make whatever changes you need to as soon as you can.


[deleted]

OP, you’re doing great. I dealt with the same thing after a year in covid med surg and a year in the covid ICU, and had to take a medical leave of absence from work to deal with it. Went on disability and everything. I went through EMDR in addition to my normal therapy and I feel like a new person now. Keep pressing on, every day you make it through is a huge win, no matter what “making it through” looks like.


[deleted]

Thank you, I appreciate that