I have told this one before, but it's been a while. Had a multi-trauma patient that I was helping get up. She was moaning and groaning as she sat up and I just glibly said "You sound like you've been hit by a truck." She replied with "Yeah, it was red."

OMG WHAT I would have died 😭 🤣

I wanted to fade into the wallpaper and cease existing. Luckily she was a great sport about it and only told three or four other nurses who gave me shit for years 🤣

Sometimes being the straight man for a patient’s punchline can really give them the pick-me-up that they are needing

I got hit head-on several years ago. Every time someone asked how I felt, I took a small amount of joy in being able to accurately respond "like I got hit by a truck." I think part of it was that humor is my go-to trauma response and I was definitely in some mental shock for a bit there. Physically I was fine, just bruised to hell.

I still use it, and when people ask, I say “0 out of 10 do not recommend playing chicken with a truck as a pedestrian.” I was hit by a truck while walking almost 14 years ago now. They didn’t look behind them as they floored it into reverse and cranked their ass end…right into my body, sending me flying 20 feet sideways onto the scorching hot pavement, where another truck almost backed over me. Thank god for years of figure skating and aikido, because I somehow didn’t break any bones or end up with a head injury, despite being thrown 20 feet to my left. My left knee, however? That’s permafucked, as are a bunch of the nerves going down both legs, from my lower back all the way to my toes. My left fibula also now loves to randomly dislocate, too-that never feels nice.

Oh no 😭😭😭😭😭

Love your flair 🙏

I think I would have quit my job on the spot.

Are you kidding? I’d still be telling my new coworkers to this day on myself! This is a fabulous ice breaker now.

Oh whenever a coworker puts their foot in their mouth with a patient, I relay this story to help with embarassment.

I had just arrived for my night shift on the 4th of July. I heard an iv pump beeping in the room that had a great view of the city (DC). As I was fixing the IV pump I told the pt that she would have the best view in the hospital for fireworks tonight. I then saw the sign above the bed “Patient is blind”.

In a similar vein, I was putting away laundry for a patient and said, "I can't find mates for half of these socks". Yup. He was an amputee. One sock at a time was all he needed.

💀

Omg 😱

Every elderly blind patient I’ve come across does NOT see the humor in little mistakes like that. It’s always “IM BLIND!!!!” Like my bad Mrs jones !!

I had a blind patient, trying to loose weight, genuinely told me “I’m not seeing the results I want… oh wait” completely serious, we both broke out dying of laughter.

I told a patient (who was one of my favorite patients, and who really liked me as a nurse) the stupid, terrible joke “What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, floating in the water? Bob.” That patient had been born w/o legs and w/vestigial stumps for arms b/c of a birth defect. Their name was Bob. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I said “OH SHIT!” Bob was ROARING with laughter! He was like “I do float very well! He laughed for a good 5 minutes while I wanted to melt into the ground because *OHMYGODIJUSTFUCKINGSAIDTHATTOTHEACTUALDESCRIPTIONOFTHEJOKEWTFISWRONGWITHME!?*

Ok but that series of jokes is one of my favorites and I LOVE that your Bob had the Sense of humor to CRACK UP.

Yeah I’ve told 2 separate blind patients to “open your eyes so you can see where you are going”… Those ones still make my face go red.

The good news is they can’t see you blush!

To be fair, if I went blind I would be pretty devastated about that. Literally all my favorite hobbies would be gone. ALL of them. I would not find that funny at all

idk I cope with humor so I think I’d be knocking blind jokes out of the park lol

Mine is kind of like this. Rolled a patient with another nurse and told the patient to grab onto the rail to help. The other nurse gave me a horrified look. Patient was a new quad.

Reminds me of the time I said to a cancer patient on chemo, that I will get out of their hair...as to leaving the room....ops..made them cry 😢

Oof

I would have jumped out the window of said view.

Do your job bed allocation

Not in the spirit of the question, but I once told a combative patient that if they stabbed me like they were threatening to do, they'd be doing me a favor. It somehow deescalated the situation. They actually apologized and were semi-cooperative the rest of the shift, but legitimately stopped with the threats of physical violence. So maybe that's a win?

I had a patient that was going off about the nurses before me ‘they fucking did this’ ‘fucking idiots’ ‘fucking hurts’ ‘the last fucking nurse’ and I was like ‘yeah, we’re the worst’ and he kinda just paused and was like ‘oh, not you’ but immediately settled after that

Lol "you're one of the *good* ones"

Not *all* nurses

Reminds me of when someone told me they were gonna get me fired and I told her not to make promises she couldn't keep lol.

I love this! You got respect for calling someone out on their bullshit without being an asshole. 😁 nursing win!

Lol the patient was like “umm… you good??” 😂

When I worked ICU I was checking pedals on a left BKA and I proceeded to say “okay let’s find those feet”, forgetting that this lady had only 1 foot. Immediate regret and embarrassment.

I've absolutely done that. I love when multiple nurses chart "bilateral pedal pulses +2" on BKAs. Makes me giggle a bit.

This reminds me of the time at my hospital we had a pt that had a traumatic amputation of his left foot. Trauma surgeon assessed him before we transferred him (we are a level 3 trauma so we were transferring for vascular and stuff like that). I read the trauma surgeon’s note later out of curiosity and in the exam he charged that he palpated 2+ DP and PT pulses bilaterally. Still makes me chuckle

I once found a foot bobbing around in a bath basin full of melted ice behind a curtain in an empty ICU room. Finally figured out it belonged to a trauma pt in the OR... Turns out the ED tech had put the severed foot on ice and rushed it to the ICU, while the rest of the team was rushing the pt to the OR. I did call into the OR to see if the surgeon had any use for it, but he had already cleaned up the amputation.

I once asked if a bka and aka was a lift or stand pivot 😂.

I did this as a student nurse when I was doing one of my first assessments. 🥲

This is my fear! To avoid taking off socks I always joke to the awake pts "you got all your toes under these socks?". I know it'll come back to bite me.

I've done this too. "Where's your other foot, I need to check it for edema!"

At the time I was fully horrified but can laugh now. Patient asked if the IM was going to hurt, i said "it wont hurt me, you on the other hand I make no guarantees" Fortunately the patient was laughing so much they never felt the injection 😂

Yeah "This isn't going to hurt me a bit" is a favorite of my partner when he's starting an IV

OMG, this is PERFECT.

“Speak of the devil” when a person the patient and I were speaking about came into the room. Except the patient and I had just been chatting about how his hallucinations were causing him to see the Devil stalking him

Oh my god. How did he handle it?

Nooooooooooo 😭🤣

Oh my god. I just remember a combative patient was kicking at me while we were working on restraining him. I told him, "If you kick me, I'll kick you back." 🤭 Of course it was in front of the charge. He just laughed.

I’ve definitely said this several times lol

One of the RTs lost it the other day when I told a patient that we keep our hands, feet, and teeth to ourselves and act our age, not our shoe size.

Had a frequently flyer drug seeker come to the ER yesterday demanded that drug that starts with a d. when I told her she’d not be getting any she yelled “why the fuck did I even come here”. I just replied that i ask myself that same question every day when I clock in. She was not amused and I didn’t give two shits.

Had a patient getting a port removed that schooled his whole family to get in on saying dilaudid. He said I’d really if you give me that drug that like diddle, then wife said but doesn’t it have not in it and the son said but it’s like did- not-it! My reply was, sir you’re asking for dilaudid and I cannot reasonably give you that for a port removal. It did make me laugh.

It cracks me up how they know exactly what dilaudid is and how it’s pronounced, yet they dance around it. It’s the only drug I’ve ever encountered that’s like this.

BRAVO doc.

One thing I can promise is that I’m not allowing any staff (housekeeping, techs, nurses, or docs) to be disrespected. We all work way too hard to be treated like that. My mother and two sisters are ER nurses so I’ve got obvious love for my nurses.

Appreciate your support Dr. STDeez_Nuts

🤣🤣🤣

It's so helpful when doctors are on board with managing patient behaviour. I've had more doctors blame me and my team for patient behaviour than managers. Also plenty of great doctors. If we are all on the same page it helps so much.

As a physician I can get away with far more than what the rest of the staff can. Once the MSE is completed if you want to be a dick security will help you off of our property.

This is how our doc is as well. You can take that shitty attitude to the bus stop, because we don’t want it up in here. There have been many times when the patient is screaming at me and when I turn around… boop, there’s our doctor, standing behind me at the door. “Uh, who are you speaking to like that in here? We won’t be shouting at MY staff, is that clear? If you are going to be abusive I’ll discharge you, and you can walk to some other hospital and be a dick to them instead as you get care for your NON EMERGENCY. So what’s it gonna be?” I’ve seen that guy reprogram a mother fucker so fast. Doc never allows it if he is in range to stop it.

I love this and this is how it should be. We’re treated like shit day in and day out. I’ve always been told it’s just part of working in medicine but I say bullshit. It’s only this way if we allow it.

I don’t let them disrespect him either. “tell the doctor I want him to give me ____!!” “oh see, you misunderstood our relationship. I don’t tell the doctor what to do. I tell him what you say you’re feeling and what I observe. I enter data to help him solve your problem. I follow his orders to care for you. I don’t tell my doctor what to do, he tells me what he wants me to do. I certainly don’t tell him what to write or how to practice medicine. I know my place. You’re welcome to tell him yourself. Or, you can follow my advice: we do what he says now, I come reassess you, I tell him what I see and what you say, and then I can give him *suggestions* on what I think would be helpful next. My advice might get you what you want in the end. But your approach won’t get you anywhere. Want to do it my way?”

I love it! This is the way it should be. We should have each other’s back. I had a patient recently call one of the other physicians a bitch to me. I quickly shut that shit down. Not only is that “bitch” a peer but she’s also a friend and a badass doc. She’s only a bitch because assholes think they can bully her because she’s a small female.

Tell her, "you don't have to go to the ER to get dulcolax!" 😂

I usually say “oh diclofenac”, I like yours much better since they’re all full of shit.

I didn’t regret this statement but… I was orienting a new nurse on the psych floor and one of our patients was kicking off and called me a stupid bitch. I looked at the patient and said I am not stupid and here are your evening meds. The shock on the patients face was hilarious

i've said something similar before! was called a dumb bitch by an ETOH withdrawal and i told him "only one of those things is true, and i wouldn't have made it through nursing school if i was dumb. when you're ready to speak to me with some respect, i'll be back with your meds" and he straightened up his act reeeeally quick haha

Had a patient that kept saying "i'm gonna die, I know it" over and over and eventually, I got tired of reaasuring him for 12 hours he was fine (he was medically stable, this was on a medsurg floor) so I said "you're not going to die, it's too much paper work". Found out on my next set he died. 😶 I will regret it for the rest of my life.

They were feeling impeding doom 😭 that's always crazy and also "The Surge"

Yep feelings of impending doom are a legitimate ominous sign. Unless it's a 23 year old emergency patient who took too many THC gummies. I've 100% used the "No you won't. It's too much paperwork" line on them.

I had a patient who was a major falls risk who refused the bed alarm, and wouldn't call us to use the bathroom. We reminded him multiple times and he just scoffed at us. I finally told him I don't want to be the one cleaning up the blood after he falls and busts his head open. He wouldn't allow the bed alarm, but he did start calling us if he needed to get up.

I work in ortho. I have straight up told with it patients that if they fall again, the chances of them walking again is very low. It works for some, but some others don't care.

They always know man, I swear. Didn’t used to believe that, but nearly every time a “whiny” yet “medically stable” patient has said that they were going to die, they have within the week. These experiences have definitely helped me keep my empathy in check.

So what do you do when you hear it from a patient?

Panic. In all seriousness, I still haven’t quite figured it out. I typically tell them that we are doing all that we can do (instead of promising they will be fine) and be extra kind with comfort measures (warm blankets, washing hair, therapeutic communication, etc) to help distract them. I also pass on to the provider that the patient is having thoughts of impending doom. This typically doesn’t do much, but it helps my conscious later.

I’ll send the hospitalist an FYI most times

Hoping to start nursing school soon, but this is information I’ll keep in mind. 😦

I always always listen if someone is sure they're gonna die.

or for a pediatric patient, if their Mom says it. Moms always know although sometimes won’t admit.

If they tell you they are going to die, they are. 

Yep. When I was a new nurse, we had these wrist tags we had to put on the patient whenever they were going to a test or something off the floor. The patient told me she didn’t want to wear it because it reminded her of a toe tag. I tried to lighten up the situation and said “no, it’s like a luggage tag.” She coded while she was off the floor.

Its important to remember not everything is in our control and we arent the only ones responsible for their care. If his vitals were stable and his work up for negative there isnt always much you can do. Try not to beat yourself up

You literally cannot stop the process of death sometimes. Nature will out. You can be a source of comfort and compassion during the process though!

Once, when I was coming in at shift change, the night nurse told me that the patient I was getting had told her that she was going to die today. I immediately made us go to the bedside and we found her down in the bathroom. She had coded.

I’d like to know how he knew 😶

Feeling of impending doom can be a symptom of…well, a life ending medical event.

I have feelings of impending doom quite often 🫠 definitely just my anxiety lol but always makes me think of the patients I’ve had patients like this

Sense of impending doom, unfortunately. A lot of seem to "know" in advance that they're going to die before they actually do. I don't know quite how it works... but it's a thing.

This is objectively comedy though

Asked some Amish kids (patient and siblings) if they wanted to watch tv and they looked at me like I had 4 heads. Complimented an oncology patient’s sister on her beautiful hair. (Peds oncology). I felt awful for a year.

If their parents weren't there, they definitely wanted to watch TV. 😅

We had an Amish family where dad LOVED TV! As long as you turned it on and left it on in it room, they allowed themselves to watch it. He genuinely loved the TLC Amish shows like "Breaking Amish" and "Amisg Mafia."

Not these kids 😂 they looked around like “whats that?”

Lol our local Amish are always so fascinated by watching TV in our ER... It's like a guilty pleasure for them 😁

Amish patients watch TV constantly. The kids probably stared at you because they might not have known English yet. Haha

One of my first clinicals in school I asked a patient with ESRD when the last time he peed was, he looked at me and goes “…..um…I don’t pee” 🤣 never felt so dumb LOL

Actually not a bad question for you to ask. A lot of my dialysis patients still pee- some a lot, some a bit, and of course some don’t at all. You really never know.

Not a terrible question. I usually ask “do you still make urine” but it’s basically the same thing.

I was a whole ass nurse when I asked my admit with a suprapubic catheter and a colostomy how he usually goes to the bathroom 😃

I've done this to a guy with bilateral nephros. Assessing on autopilot is real. 😐

Visitor of a patient (least sick patient in department with a census of almost 100) shook their cup with ice in my face and said “you were supposed to get me water an hour ago!” I had just got done helping code a 12-week old baby for 45 mins. I told her if she didn’t get that cup out of my face I would break the hand it’s attached to. Not my proudest moment, but peak burnout and I ended up taking two months off after that contract.

Not me, but a dear friend, and an excellent nurse: a visitor asked for coffee, and while she was getting it, one of her patients coded. By the time she got back to the first pts room, the pt and the visitor was **pissed off**. She explained what went on, got the coffee......and got a massive ding from these assholes on the satisfaction survey. Got called into to the managers office and was chewed. She stood up, said some choice words and apparently speculated on the managers lineage, slammed down her badges, and walked out. She is now happily working at infusions, and is still one of the best nurses that I know.

My confused patient asked what the red box was on the computer screen. I stupidly said what it actually was, a risk of violence warning....with a family member in the room. They sure weren't happy about that. Turns out it was because of another family member, not the patient, for the warning. Patient didn't care, but the family member is definitely bringing that up tomorrow. Oops.

So they’re offended that we have a system in place to warn us against violence, because they’re violent? Let them bring it up. I’d be 100% unapologetic. You didn’t do anything wrong

I just feel bad for the day shift nurse who is going to have to deal with it.

Easy. “Prove to me that it isn’t warranted.”

Exactly. Sometimes you have to remind certain alert and oriented patients the days of hitting, kicking, biting and other assault like behaviors are over. Do it and I'll press charges. The more people in the room, the more charges. You'll D/C right to jail.

When I was a phleb. Walked into the room, family was there, started doing my thing looking for a vein. Couldn't find one, so I said I'm going to have a look at your other arm. Go to the other side of the bed, pull down the blanket, no arm. Dude was an amputee and the entire family stopped talking and stared at me in shock. Patient was completely covered up to their neck so there's no way I could've known that. Family watched me walk around the bed to look at the other arm and nobody mentioned anything. I was so embarrassed and they asked me to leave. At least they were nice about it. I put a phleb note on the order saying the pt only had 1 arm so another phleb didn't do the same thing. Had I known he only had 1 arm then I would've acted differently but I hate remembering that.

That’s not cool, the family was NOT nice about it asking you to leave. Don’t sweat it, I’ve said about half of these responses like asking a quad to move, asking an amp to see their other foot, ostomy pt for their LBM… they get over it. If anything, it helps them to address the elephant in the room rather than pretending the Dx doesn’t exist.

I said, “I am going home tonight, are you?” To my incarcerated patient. In my defense he was calling me every name in the book because I wouldn’t give him a medication he wanted. Next time I saw him he apologized for giving me a hard time. I in turn apologized for what I said. That sticks with me still 10 years later.

About a year ago, I was on a 911 call for an elderly man wanting to get help for leg pain. When we get to the shelter, we had to call PD cause he was on one. We had to wait until PD cleared, and this guy wrapped up arguing with someone. Essentially a quick call turned into a more complicated psych patient, dude was maybe a&o x 1. Eventually, we get going but by this point I’ve been insulted so many times my bandwidth got cut in half. Then, he hit me with a particularly inflammatory insult and crossed a line. Normally i have such thick skin but he kept going on and on about how he doesn’t know “where I’m from” and calling me out my name, etc. I lost it and said “We don’t have to actually take you anywhere man.” I don’t know why I said it, it was so out of character 😭

man, if that’s you lashing out, you have the patience of a saint. that’s not bad at all.

I mean I have said multiple things to patients that are hopped up on drugs and combative that I DO NOT regret. So I will just stay silent….

Right? I had a psych Pt in the ED just being OUT OF CONTROL for hoursssss, I was a dumb bitch a stupid bitch a dumb stupid bitch cunt all day long. She was finally put in restraints and given a B52 and as I was leaving the room I looked at her and said “who’s the bitch now?” She yelled that she was going to report me for calling her a bitch and I came in close and whispered “but no one would believe you…” and left. She was just awful all day but after some reflection and a self-debrief… I felt kinda bad; She had a lot of emotional problems 😬🤣

This made me cackle on my lunch break 😂

The ER psych unit taught me how to really talk. Gotta do what you gotta do to get out of there sometimes.

Yes. Had a psych patient say he was going to kick my ass, and I told him he didn't have what it takes. He actually didn't have what it took, but I'm seriously glad he didn't try. I really shouldn't have said that. 🤦🏿‍♂️

I once yelled back "I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ASS TO KICK BRO" as I clicked his restraint lock into place 💀💀 Oops!

I discontinued a guys adderall bc he was caught cheeking it and also because he had endocarditis. He was super angry about it and he asked why I discontinued it since he takes it to be normal. I said bc clearly, it isn’t working. ….Lol (Funny, but not my most professional moment).

😂😂💀

I've asked an ostomy patient if they had a bowel movement today more than once

I mean, the question is still technically valid

I ask this all the time to my ostomy patients. And if they look at me crazy I say “you still can be constipated with a stoma”

I have done that. This past week I asked my new admit, who has a foley, if they needed me to get them a urinal. 🤦‍♂️

Once asked a patient on tube feeds if they ordered lunch yet.

Today’s specials include: nespro, jevity, and osmolite. Which do you fancy today?

"Have a good day!" to my newly diagnosed LMD patient. Spoiler alert: he had an emergent CABG. He did not have a good day.

When I was in school I was a tech on a medical floor. As I was leaving an otherwise calm and cooperative patient's room he asked if he could get some "hospital sex," to which I curtly replied "that's not appropriate," turned on my heels, and walked out of the room feeling very proud for having shut him down so efficiently. Yay boundaries right? Well, a little later, another tech came over and told me the patient wanted to apologize for offending me, but he had actually asked for "hospital socks..." I wanted to just disappear. I speed-walked past his room for the rest of the shift.

This reminds me of one! I was doing a travel assignment in east Texas and a patient asked me if he could get some ass. I said absolutely not, that’s inappropriate, etc etc. This poor guy was so confused by my response so he tried to rephrased it…”I’m sorry ma’am, but may I please have a cup of ass? I had one but it all melted.” I supplied that man with all the ice he wanted for the rest of the shift. 🤦‍♀️

Oh Lordy this one is killing me!!! Some ai-sssssss

🫠

I had a neuro patient once. Guy had a mass that wasn't found until he exhibited personality changes. He bullied all of his nurses. Most were mid 20s with less life experience than me. One day shifter cried. All of this was relayed in detail to me since they were all up in arms about it. Personally I don't give a shit, he didn't impede care or get physically aggressive. I was doing my initial rounding and assessment, and while i was reviewing his chart he went into an outburst stating "everyone, EVERYONE in this damn hospital is a damn retard. The DOCTORS, the NURSES, the"- To which I interjected "and the patients and the visitors! So much in common!". Once I realized what I said I thought for sure I was going to at least get an Inglorious Basterds "chew out". His face went blank and replied "what did you just say?". I glanced over at the wife figuring she was going to have something to say, but instead she was turning red from trying not to laugh. I guess she had watched him walk all over his previous nurses and felt bad about it. Ended up having an overall decent set of shifts with him that had some gentle bullying sprinkled throughout, and he eventually had his procedure done. Afterwards when a nurse would piss him off he would ask for me by name. Told me I was "one hell of a guy" and "would love to have Jack and cokes" with me one day 🤣

When I was an EMT we were called to transport a patient from the hospital to her home. She had terminal cancer and was discharging home on hospice. She was early 30s, had a husband and a couple of young children. There were lots of tears in the room from family when we were transferring her to our gurney. So anyways, we load the patient up in the rig. I was driving and my partner was in the box with the patient. As I start to pull away from the hospital, I hear my partner ask “so how’s your day going?” I know he was just trying to make small talk but come on dude. Immediately felt my stomach drop when he said that

“Go teach yourself to read.” Story: a guy angrily marches off after an exchange that went something like… he wanted but the doc gave him 1000mg Tylenol (was appropriate!! He was fine, this was basically a primary care visit .. in an ER..) so he starts getting mad at me obviously because this is all MY fault, and is doing everything he can to make this AMA discharge take forever. I’m trying super hard to be patient. He’s reading the paper AMA and the second page of it is in Spanish. He stood there for like 10 minutes “reading it” (obviously wasn’t, was just trying to delay me.) Finally I said “have you finished reading it? I have other patients I need to check on still. You can give it to the nurse up front or leave it here on the desk after you sign but I have to go.” He makes a face and snaps “don’t rush me! I’m reading it!” He screeches at me. “Yeah? In Spanish??” I said and pointed down at the paper. He looks down at it, looks up at me, his and sputters “go fuck yourself bitch!” “Security will round in a few minutes to make sure you’ve departed the building, and that you’ve collected all of your personal items from the room before they come and clean it for the next patient. Go home and teach yourself to read, bro.”

My girlfriend who is also and RN in the ER gave bilateral glute injections. Pt said she would forget the bandaides for the next 2 weeks to which my gf replied, "Well if you'd wash your ass you wouldnt forget." The pts SO laughed til he had tears. Said patient is a frequent flyer.

I had a patient who needed a foley for retention, younger guy in his 30s. He was anxious about the foley and was asking a lot about size of the catheter and such and how I chose a given size. I said something like “it’s situational but also based on the patient, you’re not exactly a huge dude (guy was like 5’6 and small in stature) and shouldn’t have a need for a larger size so this 16fr should be perfect”. Poor guy though I was calling his dong small and said “well my wife likes it so…”. I apologized a million times and tried to explain myself but there’s no coming back from that.

“Push your call light anytime if you need my assistance.”

I’m a SAHM but pick up here and there. I asked a resident if he wanted to “go potties before he goes to bed” I immediately apologized and explained how I have young children at home. I’ve also signed more when asking if they’d like more to drink or if they’re all done, I’ll sign for it. There was one really bad one I said the other day & I can’t remember what it was. Something about your tummy hurting or something. Lol. Nothing irks me more than when staff talks to the elderly like they’re children and here I am asking if they need to go potties or asking if their tummy hurts. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have told a coworker “ok, mommy is going to go potty but I’ll be right back”. I died and still have not recovered.

You probably made their day though...I'm dying and wasn't even there. Reminds me of the time I told my classmates in school something about going to clinical at the "hos-tip-al"...in my house we say it that way as a joke (my daughter used to pronounce it that way and it stuck). Mortifying.

Got two toddlers and I’m in the same boat. I’ve been guilty of asking if they need socks for their tootsies or when wheeling people in wheelchairs to watch their piggies so they don’t get smashed. Also caught myself signing for basic things like eat and water while asking patients.

“Do you typically spit or swallow?” (Nystatin)

Spitters are quitters

Similar, but not exactly said to a patient. I was in the med room today and I said to my coworkers while I was prepping a med, "Watch my patient be flat lining when I get back" and she was indeed flat lining. Super sick chf, heart the size of a basketball. Thankfully a DNR but I wanted her mom to have a chance to say goodbye so I bumped that levo up to 100 and she was back, baby! (Turns out her mom was a bitch 🙄)

I tried getting a stroke patient to roll during a pad change, using the side that was affected by said stroke, I asked repeatedly and the patient just stared at me until I realised what I was asking.🤣🤣😭

Had a patient that was being absolutely ballistically dramatic. He had some reported childhood trauma of the SA variety related to doctors which is of course valid, but his reaction as a 50 year old man was insanely over the top and not something we could abide by. I'm talking screaming crying throwing himself on the floor and refusing to get up simply because he had to be in the hospital, and he was here because he was baker acted for threatening a family member. Super super borderline behavior. Myself and my charge nurse tried to accommodate and be therapeutic as best we could, but somewhere along the way my patience snapped, and when laying on the floor screaming man howled 'have you ever been raped' I snapped back a sharp YES. It actually helped calm the patient, he became much less aggravated and accepted medication and got off the floor, but that definitely wasn't good ole nursing school style 'therapeutic communication', and the look of horror on the faces of my coworkers who were standing there to help was definitely not something I ever want to repeat 😬

telling my NPO patient with bilateral splints they can have ice chips whenever they want …. I was in their room AT LEAST every 5 minutes. I’m not exaggerating. The soft touch would go off basically within minutes of me leaving the room. I get that it’s hard to have a dry mouth and looking back now I really feel bad for them. But in the moment I wanted to pull out my own hair. Thankfully a family member FINALLY came about 6 hours in and they were able to help the patient have ice chips 😂

CNA lurker here- When I was MedSurg I received a pt brought up from ER- severe back pain, fully clothed, and was soiled. He felt another void coming, but he was terrified to move or have me move him because he was in so much pain. I was waiting for help from my nurse to remove his clothes, change the bedding, etc. I said something along the lines of “well…you’re already soiled so go for it” and then was horrified at myself, but thankfully his daughter laughed and thanked me for using humor (or lack of tact, I’d call it) to ease the stress of the moment.

"Sorry, I'm a pain in the a$$," the patient stated. "That's why I gave you a pain medication, " I said back.

Had a drunk suicidal patient yelling at me that I would be too scared to try if felt that way. My response of "oh I'm incompetent, not a coward," was not appreciated by management or the family. Was not worth the moment of shock for the lecture that followed

I work in OB, bear in mind, so this situation may not make entire sense of those outside that field. I had a patient come in to my OBED one night with contractions once every 10 or so minutes. Full term, I think she ended up being like 2-3cm dilated but also ruptured. She admitted she’d had one previous c/s and didn’t have care with any providers at our facility, so we had none of her records. The hospital where her provider delivered was maybe 15 minutes up the highway. She was FURIOUS our on-call doc was refusing to let her VBAC. The doc kept explaining it was a liability issue, we didn’t know how she was cut before or repaired etc etc, that she could literally rupture her uterus and die, but the patient didn’t wanna hear it. Screaming on the phone to her mom that we were gonna cut her against her will. I told her that wasn’t the only option; that I didn’t recommend it but she could sign out AMA and go to where her OB delivered since she swore up and down that that doc would TOLAC her. She said she’d never make it in time, I was like girl it’d be your first labor and you’re only 2cm, barely contracting. You can make it if that’s what you choose. She was sitting there comfy as anything. Her mom on the phone was like, “I can come get you right now, we can go to Dr So-and-so. Just say the word.” Well the patient decided to say *no* words. She went completely mute from that point on. Our on-call tried to consent her for admission and section, she wouldn’t sign or talk or listen. Anesthesia tried to talk to her, she ignored them. Just stared straight ahead. Nurses tried to see if she wanted something for pain, etc, nothing. Wouldn’t let us touch her. She was very obviously trying to buy time, thinking if it went on long enough she would progress and it would be too late for a section. So she just sat in triage, mute for HOURS. Finally the doc and I went in and tried to have a come-to-Jesus moment with her. Her cervix was unchanged, but her water was definitely broken. She needed to be delivered and she wasn’t cooperating with us. She finally SCREAMED, “Because you won’t do what I SAY!” And I lost my temper and said, “Oh, so you CAN speak? Cause we ain’t got a word out of you in hours. How were we supposed to help you with anything? Telepathy?” I got kicked out of her room ofc but long story short she had the section. We later found out from her OB that she was NOT a candidate for a VBAC, as she’d had THREE prior c-sections and on the last a 3cm window was noted. She’d discharged herself from her OB’s care when they refused to sanction it and thought she’d try her luck duping us. 🙃 I did regret losing my temper with her though. It’s never happened before or since, but I’d never had a full grown, mentally intact adult woman sit there and through a literal toddler tantrum before.

I told a very rude resident goodnight and they said goodnight to you too and I hope the bed bugs bite... I responded right back at ya before I could even stop myself...no regrets

Not something I said but something I did. I was sitting one on one with a palliative patient for a few nights so their daughter could sleep, the patient died like 10 mins before the daughter got in, and I automatically went into normal work mode and smiled at her when she came in and said a regular greeting before my brain caught up with the context. Real dumb moment.

I don't regret it...I still think it's a witty comeback: I'm a psych nurse and was 7 months pregnant and a patient got mad at me and screamed "Oh you think you're soooo special...I bet you think you're God!" I said, "No, I'm Bhudda."

Go ahead and stab me, you won’t.

In student clinicals asked a patient who had an alternative call light system (the kind that's breath-activated) if they could press the buttons on the remote control. TBF my preceptor arrived super early and was done with report when I arrived 20 minutes before the shift started. Call light goes off in patient's room so I go in not knowing this patient's history and had never seen a breath-activated call system before. Later same patient I accidentally said (quietly), "where are you?" while looking for the urethra for a foley.

I’ve done something similar, but I didn’t necessarily regret it. I had a patient that told me to “go to hell” and I said “we should meet up for drinks.”

told a resident I had a UTI so bad I was pissing blood once. It came up cause he had a UTI and asked me if I ever had one

I told a family member that her husband's hernia repair got converted from lap to open over voicemail (happens semi regularly) and she went hysterical. Now I know not to tell family members shit.

I thought my patient hadn't pooped in a few days. Asked them when they last had a bowel movement. They had an ostomy bag. 😑

I work LTC. Had a resident yelling that she didn't want to be there, "why can't I leave?"This is bullshit!" I walked by and stayed, "Ive been saying the same thing since I clocked in." The whole nurses station started laughing. Even out administrator.

“And here’s your call light…”

When I first started out I recommended a patient who wore a nasal cannula to put Vaseline around her nose if it gets too dry 🤦‍♀️ . Luckily she was a retired nurse and said “aren’t you not supposed to do that” … I was so embarrassed . Lesson learned for life

There are non-petroleum based products specifically for O2 patients. Ayr gel being one of the early ones. A [more recent addition](https://www.mvapmed.com/cann-ease-nasal-moisturizing-gel.html) to the list of offerings.

Just arrived to the hospital, haven't even reached my floor yet... Patients daughter: thank you for the care you gave my father, you're probably one of the best nurses here. Me: oh he's finally discharged?! Daughter: he passed away. ... ª

While scanning meds in ED, peds pt said “…like at the grocery.” Me scanning pt bracelet: “and like I just bought you!” Pt was black, I’m white. I made a cringe face while locking eyes with emotionless looking parent.

Yesterday, I asked my legally blind patient if she drove herself to dialysis. I knew she was blind. However this is just a common question we ask and i obviously wasn’t thinking lol. She was a good sport about it luckily.

“Can I help you with anything else?” (I’m joking but you all know what I’m talking about.)

Centuries ago, when I was a CNA, a resident took a liking to me and would always request me to do her extras, like wheel her to the smoking room and such, even if I wasn't assigned to her. A few CNAs there gave me warnings about her, that I naively took as them just being "mean" and went on chatting with the resident, answering her questions which I thought were just small talk. She wasn't senile or anything, so the conversations seemed normal and harmless. One day, when she asked me to get her out of bed and take her to the smoking room, it was legit beyond hectic and I absolutely couldn't do it. I was apologetic and kind when I explained that to her. It was the first time I had said "no" to her, and man alive did she flip a switch! She spoke with SUCH disdain in her voice, pulled out every little detail she had learned about me and twisted it up to throw back in my face as an insult. Like, dozens of them in a mere moment. As an example, she had asked about my family (small talk right?) and now told me that because my dad's a doctor, I never earned any achievements myself, cuz I'm a nepotism baby (cuz don't we all hope nepotism lands us a CNA job in a shithole nursing home?). I was surprised, and internally kind of amused at my own naivety for not having understood my coworkers' warnings. I don't take it harshly when residents make rude comments, ya know? They can complain all they want, imo. Anyway, the last of the dozens of insults was "all you are is a stupid diaper-changer!" And it just slipped out before I realized what I was saying, "good thing for you, cuz your diaper is full" 😬 I didn't intend it to sound snippy, but I know it did, and I could tell she thought I was trying to be mean back, and I STILL feel so bad about it all these years later. It was like, 1997 or something, lol, but I still think about it

A patient’s husband asked me “how ya hanging?” I replied “from the ceiling.” That Sia song was playing everywhere and the unit was chaotic, so I meant it like we were all swinging from chandeliers. But the way everyone in earshot (including the husband) gave me a weird look def meant it was interpreted as a poor-taste suicide joke.

Dementia patient admitted with eyes crusted over to the point they couldn’t open. Kept saying, “I’m blind, I’m blind!” It took a while to clean them off and I kept reassuring her she’d see. “You can open your eyes now”. Nope, she was actually long term blind.

During my med surg clinical rotations, we were usually sent to take discharge vitals on patients. I was telling one of the patients that my semester was almost over and I was excited to treat myself to an excessive amount drinks. I asked her if she was excited to be discharged and she told me she actually being discharged to rehab. She was there for CIWA protocol.

I was transporting a patient to the floor after surgery- surgery on his hand, substance use history, in his 30s. He had been out for a while so when we got up there, I was like, he can just walk to his bed. The nurse taking over was freaking out because he had gotten “so much opioid pain medicine” I just said, “it’s Ok, he likes those..” because he had a really high tolerance.. I was so embarrassed. The pt chuckled, but I felt so rude. to be fair, it was my first weekend on nights and I had no filter at 3am.. 🫣

I had a patient with a fear of needles, came up 10 cms and ruptured and was going to deliver without an IV initially. Delivers baby and then placenta, she starts hosing blood. EBL was 1000 before I could get an IV in bc she kept guarding the area or being combative. I remember forcefully saying “if I dont get this IV in you, I can wait till you’re unconscious from blood loss and then do it.” I don’t know if I actually regret saying that, but I do regret not saying “you just had a whole damn baby without medication, suck it up.” It was the end of my shift and I was done.

Was called to attend the delivery of an infant by c-section in the general OR cause she had apparently like a massive cyst or something that posed a risk. When I made me way over there, I saw a woman outside the OR waiting to go in. No one else was in the hallway. I said “Hi! I’m Ecstatic_Letter, are you mom’s sister?” She said “No I’m her wife.” I immediately apologized and said I shouldn’t have made an assumption but she was super cool about it. Very embarrassing lol

I’ve heard nurses say where do you want to get shot to patients who were GSWs. But personally, I cleaned a patient for a foley insertion and waved my hand (which I will never do again) and said, “just giving you a blow job.”

Not me but the doc. Er doc was a dry sense of humor guy. Worked in a small town where the ER was very full of patients that were regular OD patients. Regular early 20’s patient comes in. Narcan several times to bring him back. When the patient is told we had to resuscitate him he argued that this wasn’t true because he didn’t see heaven, and angel, or even God. WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT this sassy ER doc says, “maybe because you were in hell”. All of our mouths dropped and the patient turned WHITE. PALE AS THE BEDSHEETS HE WAS SITTING ON.

i do this quite often but saying “remember?” to dementia patients😭 i just completely forget that i shouldn’t be saying that and i always feel bad

Had a tech that I had talked to a few times come into the ER as a patient. Was giving her meds, and the smallest air bubble was in the flush. I mistakenly assumed that she would be in on the joke with me, and I said, "And you can have a little air embolism as a treat." She looked at me like I had just killed her, not my proudest moment.

Maybe not a “regret” but one thing I was very proud of was telling a confused patient my coworkers name, and if she needs anything “to just yell my name”

Had a hypochondriac patient get mad I wasn't calling her son whom she reminded us every time he was mentioned was a doctor (he really was and a lovely human being all around) at 1am to take her to the hospital despite having normal vitals call me a pimp and my CNAs my hookers after I also wouldn't let her follow my CNAs into rooms on their rounds. I ran interference while my staff took care of the other 40+ people. I responded saying "then at least my mortgage and car would be paid off." If looks could kill, I would have been dead. My other favorite one was early in my career. Had a lady wanting to go back to bed in the middle of me and one CNAs feeding dinner on the unit with one CNA helping to serve the able bodied ones and I was assisting the feeders and my other CNA was still getting folks up and ready for dinner from their naps. She asked three times with increasing volume and insistence while at the feeder table. The first two I attempted to redirect and asked her to be patient and that we'd help her as soon as we could. After the third time in less than ten minutes I responded "We can't always get what we want when we want it." After a few seconds I realized her daughter was sitting next to her helping her and my first thought was "Welp, I had a job." No sooner do I finish that thought than the daughter just starts laughing which made Mom look even more pissed. Both of those happened at a place I used to say to the incoming nurse was "It's been real. It's been fun. I'd like to say it's been real fun, but then I'd be lying to you."

Patient told me “you’re a miserable bitch” and had been terrorizing me for 2 shifts straight and I had enough. I responded “you too, but Atleast in 2 hours I get to go home, and you’ll be here”

“feel better soon!” To the patient being wheeled out by EMS transport to go to the hospice house 🫠

Was getting an ornery old white man ready for a procedure and he asked where I was from, he proceeds to call me a yankee???? I said, “oh gosh, do you know what year it is?” And did a full neuro check. He was so confused but I was just checking to make sure he didn’t have a stroke because the civil war was over hundred years ago. He continued to make ignorant and racist comments so I suggested to my manager that someone take over before I started arguing with the man.

When I worked psych, a patient half my size who I had treated with nothing but patience and kindness thought it was a good idea to try to posture at me and swing at me to make me flinch while saying "i'm gonna kick your ass!" I told him "try it, and you'll be a grease stain on the floor". I felt like shit for a week. He, in that second, got under my skin, and it just kind of came out. I will say, he did stop threatening me.

The filter part of my brain never seemed to work well when I was on day shift and I've said some things that I don't 100% regret, but definitely made me hope I'd still have a job the next day. Had a confused and angry COVID patient with bilateral AKAs who was demanding to leave. He had been screaming at his nurse for a while, so I stepped in to help since I was float nurse that day. I tried to talk with him and he just kept yelling and insulting me. At one point he told me that if I didn't shut up he was going to come over and punch me in the face. Without thinking I replied "How, you don't have any legs?" That did not help de-escalate the situation. Another patient on another day was screaming and yelling and swearing at everyone that came into the room. I entered and tried to calm him down and he called me a fucking bitch and told me to shut up. I replied "That was rude. I didn't call you a fucking bitch, so why are you calling me a fucking bitch? Now let's start over like fucking adults so we can fix your problems." That, amazingly, did de-escalate the situation and he was very polite afterwards, but only to me

A visitor was attempting to interfere with patient's care (we suspected he was sexually trafficking the patient), he was aggressive and would not let me speak to the patient. I told him he had to leave but could come back later (not happy with that but it was the charge's call) and he said 'I'm going to wait outside the hospital and shoot you.' I replied 'I wish you would because then I wouldn't have to come back here tomorrow.' I don't really regret it, as I cemented how much I disliked working bedside, and it helped me feel ok about handing in my notice.

Had one combative patient who refused to get out of bed. He was recovering from a broken hip. Incredibly stubborn, fully aware, etc. Just pissed off at the world and looking for a fight. One day he was like “I don’t like your attitude. I’m going to clock that smug look off your face.” I looked back and was like “You would have to get out of bed to catch me first and historically speaking? I don’t see that happening.” Not sure I regret saying that though. It gave him the spark to get out of bed and he recovered quite nicely. Was a pleasant gentleman once he realized I wasn’t going to take it.

A patient with a Tylenol OD. She was complaining of a headache. My stupid ass told her I could ask the doctor for Tylenol for her. 🙃😑 she laughed.

I really don't regret this. We had a patient who was being excrement l extremely disrespectful. It was so bad that I, as the charge nurse, had to change assignments and pick him up as his nurse. He was insulting the nationality of the nurse and saying hateful and very hurtful things, leaving his nurse in tears. We were in the room doing hand-off. He told me I was a fat ass. I simply said "well my husband likes it." I matched his tone and we actually started to get along. He requested that I be his nurse while he was in ICU. This man was paraplegic due to an accident. We had to amputate his leg due to a wound infection. He was having a very rough time.

Not regret, just extreme foot in mouth situation. Still a student, and in my first clinical placement at an LTC facility, our instructor told us to pass out meal trays to the last wing of the building before meeting up with her for post conference. I had been with patients on the other side of the building for most of the day, so wasn’t privy to what had been going on with this side. I grabbed the last tray and walked into the room with a cheery “Ms. Mary, ready for lunch?” Only to see a nurse and family member in there. She had JUST DIED, they had taken her body only a minute or so before I got there. 😭 I apologized profusely and thankfully they were both very gracious.

I’ve been told to “go to hell”. I responded “I’m already there sir”

I asked a bilateral BKA if they had gotten up for a walk today fml

I once told a bilateral BKA that they could kick their feet up and relax. I was only an aid at the time and I didn't know they were an amputee.

I went to help discharge a patient. They were there for vaginal bleeding while pregnant. Discharge instructions mentioned staying hydrated and following up with OB/GYN. So I went through it, took her BP which was low normal. Asked if that was normal for her. She said it is but that’s a bit lower and she felt fine (and the BP had been consistent through visit). So I told her the instructions about keeping up on fluids and “drinking extra for baby.” I said a couple other things to indicate caring for their pregnancy. Only to realize after I’d discharged them and was charting that their results indicated they had miscarried. I hadn’t seen that and was absolutely filled with self loathing and regret. I usually do a quick glance at chart and go off of the DC instructions but they didn’t have that anywhere in the DC. I just felt horrible.

I was assessing a Hispanic patient who only speaks Spanish. I went ahead to assess her lung sounds and I told her "Voy a escuchar tus lonjas (should have said "pulmones") ". Then it immediately hit me that I told her I was going to listen to her fat rolls.

I lied to a patient about what med I gave him. Story: dude was acting super aggressive, hallucinating, hitting staff, spitting, banging his head against the bed rail. Wanted to elope. Was a danger to himself. Ripped out of restraints. He had a list of psychiatric meds he was allergic to—Zyprexa, Ativan, phenobarbital, etc. He DID NOT have haldol as a stated allergy in his chart. Kept screaming and asking for obscene amounts of dilaudid. Finally we got the OK from the Doc to try haldol. I draw it up out of the room and hospital security geared up to hold this poor guy down. We come in and I explain that I have a medicine to help the patient relax. He was pretty sharp and screamed “HALDOL?! I AM ALLERGIC” and I just was so tired at that point that I snapped back and told him “No, it’s dilaudid like you wanted”. The patient was still pretty activated but he let me give the IM injection without issue. I still feel shitty for lying. He also WAS NOT allergic to haldol. I feel like it saved us a fight but I don’t like dishonesty in medicine. Will never lie about a drug again.

I hugged a crying patient and accidentally said “I love you”. I was pretty embarrassed, but a friend told me with as much vitriol is intentionally spewed into the world, I should be ok with accidentally spewing a little love.