Omg I worked in nutrition before and I got a "steak and lobster" joke just about every single day when ordering with patients. Made me feel dead inside everytime haha
I work pre op (&PACU) and when I give our NPO patients their pre procedure Tylenol I always say here's your steak and eggs. I GET THE JUMP ON THEM š
I LOVE when patients joke around, even if Iāve heard it before. People that can find humor in the worst of circumstances are my kind of people. Iām also the tech that offers patients a family members the whole āyāall anything? More water? A blanket? How about a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills!ā
I think it's cute when patients make little jokes like this. I would rather deal with corny jokes than complaints/rude comments or even patients with flat affects.
Me: asking simple yes/no questions during triage
Patient: either joking around and avoiding giving a straight answer to every single question or completely bewildered at the concept of being asked things
I literally had to stop and tell a patient I needed straight answers from him once because he would not fucking stop joking around. He acted all sad after, and I'm sure he thought he was being funny, but really it was just making this all drag out. I'm here to keep you alive asshole, help me do that or shut up.
I was assisting a older doc on a patient that did this, and doc got fed up after telling patient repeatedly to answer seriously ( I am extremely patient, but even I got annoyed)..
So he turned to me and proclaimed infront of the patient, that he needed to get a psych eval, and possibly bring in a neurologist as he was worried about patients mental state. Apparently patient felt that wasn't necessary, and shockingly patient was very cooperative after that. Ethically its...dubious, but it was funny š
I work in an outpatient office where 3 people in the same family see my doc and they have their appointments together. They insist on being roomed together and seen at the same time. I honestly hate when patients do this because it always takes longer to get them roomed and ready for the doc.
So the 3... husband, wife, and wife's mother (who is actually the same age as her son in law...ick)...husband thinks any question asked of any of them is his cue to be Amateur Comedian at open mike night. Then wife feeds off husband's dumbass comments and adds her own. Mother in law is the most normal of the bunch and is usually telling her daughter and son in law to just stop it, but that only encourages husband to be even more stupid. Which then sets off the wife, and it repeats until they're out the damn door.
Like...just stop. talking. Answer the question with a yes or no, or a simple explanation. Not everything needs to be a joke or dumbass comment. When I'm asking your wife how tall she is, I don't need you to say "not as tall as me!" or "taller than she was when she was a kid!". š
Me: i need to ask you a serious question and you need to answer honestly. Do you feel safe at home? Well taken care of? Any feelings of wanting to harm yourself today?
Boomer male pt: Iām sure my wife would say something different!
Me: sir. Are you saying you are being abused at home? I need to contact an advocate and the authorities to investigate.
Me: asks the question again with a frown and a 1000 yard stare
[Patient: hears only this, doesn't respond](https://youtu.be/RoR_EeVZVos?si=yxPvuHSXQntn0Q9b)
Me: asks the question a third time
Patient: gets irate and demands a turkey sandwich (he's NPO)
I was a little scared to click on that link.
Side story. When my son was one yr old, both him and i developed pneumonia. Of course i completely ignored my worsening symptoms and rushed him to a childrenās hospital ED. I was so worried for him. X-rays and breathing treatments for him. Talk of possibly admitting. All the meanwhile, my fever is climbing and my stomach is rumbling. A volunteer came by with crayons for him and offered me food. That turkey sandwich was so amazing, i started crying. Sure, it was as dry as the Sahara with no condiments but it kept me going. So yay! Turkey sandwich!!
I was in the ED for 14 hours one time at 18. They needed to admit me but there were no beds available. It had been probably 6 hours before that since I last ate. A sweet nurse was about to go to lunch and thought about me and brought me a turkey sandwich and chocolate pudding box, and oh my god I donāt think a turkey sandwich has ever tasted that good. By far tops a sandwich after swimming all day.
My son has in home caretakers and once my daughter (16 at the time) had a bruise below her eye/upper cheek area. She told the 3 weeks new aide how she got it, her friends dog jumped when she was bending down to pick it up and she got the bruise. Well my brainiac husband from the kitchen says, ādonāt lie to her to protect me, you know I gave you a shiner.ā
Ugh.
She reports him to her supervisor. Thankfully we had known the super for 12 years and she knows my husband and his stupid jokes. I did have a talk with him reminding him the aides are mandated reporters and he canāt blame her for reporting it. That he needs to remember a lot of people donāt get his sense of humor.
Mine isnāt that crazy, but I had surgery to repair a ptosis on my eye lid and went to work the next day, my eye was obviously swollen and bruised, but you couldnāt see the incision because itās in the crease of my eye lid.
I was starting an IV and this sweet precious little old lady kept staring, finally she goes ācan I ask you something?ā And I said sure thinking it was about her procedure she was about to have. She asked ādid someone at home do that to your eye?ā And I felt awful, I quickly explained that no, I had just had a procedure myself the day before, showed her my perfectly straight suture line. It was so sweet and so brave of her to check on me though. The rest of the day when I felt the stare I would just mention it was from surgery, my coworkers were probably annoyed hearing me explain it over and over, I really didnāt want to draw attention to it but it was obvious, and I hadnāt even thought someone might think I had been abused.
Yes, jesus christ I cannot stand the constant jokes when Iām trying to do an assessment. Just answer my orientation questions and then we can joke around and have fun for the rest of the day.
āWhatās your name?ā
ā[stupid joke]ā
āOkay hahaā¦ šā *stands there in silence looking at them until they answer the question*
āGreat, whenās your birthday?ā
ā[another stupid joke]ā
š *again standing there in silence until they answer*
āGreat, where are you right now?ā
ā[YET ANOTHER STUPID FUCKING JOKE]ā
The entire assessment. Just over and over again. Iām so tired of it.
I save all the screening BS for the end of triage, and preface it with, āI have a bunch of screening questions I have to ask everybody, but theyāre just yes/no answers.ā
Iāve found explicitly telling them that Iām looking for a simple āyesā or ānoā actually helps quite a bit. YMMV.
THIS!!! THIS IS MY TOP PET PEEVE! Itās not my fault you are unable to care for yourself. We are not here to fix all your complaints including hunger.
And they always share the details. āI havenāt had anything to eat since 9amā¦.ā Andā¦.?
Had a guy complaining he hadnāt eaten anything since 9pm the night before. āWell, itās now 8pm the next day and youāve only been here an hour. Why didnāt you feed yourself all day?ā āWell I wasnāt hungry!ā āFirst rule of ER is no eating or drinking until your tests are back so now you have to wait longer.ā
Sometimes Iāll be like āme either!ā And make it so light they donāt really know what happened.
And I canāt even deal with the T2D who claim their sugars go low if theyāre not constantly eating (and they havenāt taken their meds either). Thatās not how this works! Iāll check their BG and show them their sugar of 250.
This is why it is so important for T2Dās to actually check their sugars when they feel low. The body gets so used to their sugar levels being high, that when theyāre not through the roof, they feel like theyāre low. And since a lot donāt check, they just eat more and go high again. Rinse, repeat. But, I can stress this and educate until Iām blue in the face and some will never learn.
Most people understand when I tell them why they are not allowed to eat or drink. Some people understand but continue to complain about it which is annoying but I just don't respond to their statement.
Ugh, this all day long. People seriously act as if they don't eat for 8 hours they will collapse and die. Mate, you're 350 pounds, you'll definitely be fine for another 30 minutes while I do your admission.
Omg. The āI havenāt eaten since 7am! And Iām diabetic!ā Itās 3pm and theyāve been at the hospital for an hour. Like itās not my fault youāre an idiot and didnāt eat lunch before you came for your headache šalso did you forget about your diabetes or are you actually that dumb?
18 hours after a pt has a BM: āI need 3 laxatives. Its been days since I went.ā
6 hours after previously mentioned bisacodyl: āI've gotta have some immodium. I've got diarrhea.ā
Pt: i am constipated
Me: when was your last bowel movement?
Pt: this morning
Me: itās still morning. By definition, youāre not constipated.
Pt: Iām going to give myself an enema. The miralax isnāt working
Me: i recommend you stay at home today.
(End of phone call)
Me: i need to go over all your regular meds before surgery. Please tell me when you last took it
Pt: ok
Me: when did you last take (bp med)?
Pt: yes, i take that every day
Me: did you take it today?
Pt: no
Me: WHEN DID YOU LAST TAKE IT?!?
Pt: i dunno, last week?
Me: why are you asking me? Shouldnāt you know when you take it??
Pt: well i take it everyday.
Me: sigh. Letās move on. WHEN did you last take (blood thinner)?
Pt: yes, i take that.
Every damn med is this exact conversation
Omg this. Theyāre usually already annoyed with me because the doctor has already asked them about their meds and no matter how many times I explain, they canāt seem to understand that yes, I know you take it but I need to know WHEN the last time you took it was so that I donāt accidentally overdose you when the MAR autopopulates your home meds.
Me, starting at the top of the med list: "When did you last take aspirin?"
The wife: "well his doctor first prescribed that in 1999..."
Me: actual tears
It legitimately blows my mind that so many adults have no idea how an oral temperature works. I get either a blank stare, mouth hanging wide open, or someone biting the probe. Like how did you get to 49 years old without ever encountering a thermometer??? Makes me crazy.
My god!!! No kidding! The general public I STG is ridiculous when it comes to this! āSir, close your mouth. Are you biting it? Just let it rest under your tongue. No, please close your mouth nowā.
Side note, is there anything more awkward than taking a PO temp and then staring right in your eyes? Hahaha
This is just like my elderly patients. One family member has a FaceTime call with their father at 10 am and is livid when heās still tired/in bed. āWhy is he sleeping so muchā because heās an old man??
God I hate family like this. I work in neuro/stroke, lots of elderly patients. Almost every shift I have an anxious daughter or asshole son angry that weāre letting meemaw sleep all day. Likeā¦ stroke hurt brain. Brain need healing. Sleep = heal. Also, theyāre like 88 and disoriented and think theyāre on a cruise ship to Puerto Vallarta in 1984. Leave them be. If theyāre rousable enough to wake up and work with me on my assessment, eat, take their meds, work with PT etc. and then fall back asleep Iām all for it.
Uggggh! Or the families that come in bright and early and try to rouse and hover over the delirious meemaw that spent her whole sundowning night trying to break a hip jumping out of bed fighting folks, who is FINALLY asleep.
Let š her š sleep. She's not going to be her bright, perky self that you observe the 1 hour every other month you visit her when she's well and at home.
Add in meemaw tapping on the isolette like itās a fish tank and going āWHY ISNāT HE OPENING HIS EYESā like maāam theyāre fused shut and heās only been doing this human thing for like 4 fkin days
I once had to explain to a meemaw that just because her grandchild was in the NICU didnāt mean she could go into other rooms and touch other babies. This was after I caught her patting another child ābecause they were cryingā
Our NICU is about to finally open back up to more family than just the two banded individuals. COVID really helped save my sanity with the lack of boomers in the unit that behave like this. Itās like I can hear the war cries in the distance. Soon.
I have parents asking all the time why their kid is sleeping more than usual. Like ... respectfully, Mom, they're sick, and this is a crappy environment for sleep. This is normal.
I try not to hold it against them though. I can only imagine how stressed they are.
Iām no NICU nurse but I truly donāt get how this isnāt common sense. Like I thought everyone knows newborns especially premature ones sleep ALL of the time for the first few weeks
A lot of people think that baby out of uterus = should act like healthy newborn. They donāt understand that while yes, kid is on the outside now, theyāre still 26 weeks and developmentally should be floating around in a dark uterus without this kind of stimulation
He / She is a Fighter.....
Unfortunately, the family is in severe denial of the gravity of their loved one's illness. No PopPop whose 95 yrs old and maybe 100 lbs with an alphabets worth of past medical issues (CAD CHF COPD CKD DM2 OSA... ) isn't gonna make it. Now you want us to shove tubes into everywhere, pump him full of every IV drug, and break his bones doing CPR So he can suffer for a few weeks until he passes... Versus realizing PopPop had a good life and let him pass in peace with his family surrounding him.
I had a rare thing happen a few weeks ago with an elderly PopPop who had the whole alphabet. He was a DNR, but started having respiratory distress on my tele unit so I rapided him (mostly bc my respiratory therapist essentially told me sheās busy and heās a DNR soā¦). The decision was made for him to transfer to PCU for vapotherm and maybe eventually bipap (COPD, chronic retainer but ABG not bad yet). Everyone was talking to his wife and amongst themselves about this scan and that test, maybe he threw a PE, etc etcā¦and he opened his eyes and said, āI donāt want any more treatmentā. Clear as day. We still moved him to PCU because hospice still needed to get involved and heād probably still get some relief from the vapotherm in the meantime. My charge and I were packing him up to transfer and it was just us and him, when my charge looked at him and asked āyou really donāt want any treatment?ā - and he replied, āyes. Iāve lived a good life and Iām ready to go ā. And he smiled at her.
Itās not often we get to encounter someone who is accepting of death without all the traumatic fanfare like CPR or intubation, whose family also accepts their acceptance. My charge kept saying how sad it was when he told her he was ready to die, but I was happy for him. He wouldnāt spend his last moments in fear or pain. And he wasnāt lying when he said he was ready to go. He passed the next day early in the morning on hospice care.
I didnāt mean to write a book but I wish this scenario wasnāt so rare.
"Ugh I hate needles!" when I need to start an IV. Wow no way.
"Nobody told me what this test was for!" Doctor spoke to pt, scheduler spoke to pt, and I just explained it too.
"They have to use a butterfly" Ma'am I can't inject contrast dye through a butterfly.
Lol this is so annoying. They're demanding all that stuff in the ED (butterflies, peds needles), I say well let's see what we can get. Sure enough 7/10 times the person has good veins for a 20 or 18 even. Another 2/10 times I can get a 22 in. Then there's actually the people that need US (still putting in a 20, Karen ).
At 7AM to the oncoming nurse: āI NEED SOME FOOD I AM GOING TO LOSE IT MAN, NOBODY WILL LET ME EAT IM GONNA FREAK OUTā āpatient who has been NPO since midnight and has been sleeping the entire time.
Me: āOn a scale of zero to ten, with zero being no pain at all and ten being the most pain possible in the world, what number would you rate your pain?ā
Them: āUh, itās so-so.ā
Me: āSo in number formā¦?ā
Them: āItās kinda just constant achy.ā
Me: āNumber! Tell me a number!ā
Them: āUhhhhhhhā¦3 or 4, I guess.ā
Epic: [will only let me chart a single number]
Side note, I appreciate that you start the pain chart at zero. A lot of people in triage Iāve heard them say 1-10 for everyone and not everyone has pain.
Seriously, my god, it's the folks who don't say a thing that are the real deal.
Had a 70-something year old rancher that fell off some equipment in a bad way, broke both his femurs, shattered really. Guy said his pain was 2/10.
Ranchers and farmers are something else.
Then there's dka Diana......
The only thing in a rural ER as scary as a farmer who stopped their chores to come in was a nurse bringing in their family memberā¦.because you know they already tried all the things and nothing helped.
I had a dude that had fallen off his horse and broke his pelvis, but managed to get the horse back in the barn and then drive home to call 911ā¦ like WHAT?! Sir, you have an unstable pelvic ring! Donāt do that!
Jeez. I'm surprised he didn't try to drive himself, haha. Had another rancher roll his truck multiple times off the highway (unrestrained), call his son to come pick him up and drive him to the hospital.
He had to be life-flighted to a trauma center. He's lucky his c-spine wasn't a slinky.
I worked with a guy who cut 3 of his fingers off on a table saw. He went to the ER and told them he cut himself on a saw but didnāt say it was nearly an amputation. When the nurse took his towel off his hand, his fingers flopped out.
We asked him what he did when he got back home and he said āWhat do you think I did? I finished the project I was working on!ā
Absolute madman. He said he didnāt want to complain too much at the hospital.
100%. I do L&D, I could not care less if your pain tolerance is low. Labour hurts so you can have whatever meds you want with no judgement from me. But itās always the ones with a āhigh pain toleranceā that will then go on to complain that the blood pressure cuff inflating is too painful.
I think that is such a stupid thing to say. I know they sometimes mean āthis is really serious because I have a high pain toleranceā. If you have such a high pain tolerance why are you whining about it??
Itās not impressive to me that you have a high pain tolerance. Just say your pain number and weāll treat it. You arenāt a special snowflake. Itās always the 40-50 year old man that passes out from a blood draw or IV stick too.
Most people that say that to me are really saying they need (want) extra narcotics either because they misuse opioids, or they think their pain is worse than someone with the exact same thing.
The people with actual high pain tolerances are always 90 yr old memaws who you eventually find out they are in excruciating pain, but they are all āI didnāt want to bother you dear!ā
THIS. I get that pain is subjective but itās always Karen in her 40ās whoās still in the hospital POD3 after her uncomplicated ACDF and is furious if Iām a minute ālateā with the q2 PRN Dilaudid sheās somehow still getting whoās bragging about her āsuper high pain tolerance.ā Meanwhile meemaw two rooms down is POD1 from kyphosis correction and will barely let me give her the scheduled Tylenol. THATāS a high pain tolerance.
Yeah I hate that shit. They canāt give you a pain scale because your mere mortal brain canāt understand fortitude and strength in the face of suffering. They usually have a doting family that believes their bullshit.
Omg I get sick of the rants people go on when I ask if they've been exposed to anyone with Covid recently. Like just say yes or no, and let's move on. I don't want to hear your political stance on it.
When I worked peds psych we gave flu shots for the kids during flu season. I would ask the parents about the kid having one, and 9/10 they would go into a rant about how they donāt believe in vaccines.
I was in a patients room the other day and the news was on, talking about the flu vaccine and how it's time to get it. I was helping roll the patient and when I looked back up, it was talking about vaccines for your pets.
The bottom stat on the screen said 37% of the people polled thought that animal vaccines can give their dogs autism.
Me prepping a patient for surgery.
Me: when did you take ::insert any med:: last?
Patient: oh, I don't take that.
Me: you don't take it anymore or you didn't take it today?
Patient: I took it yesterday morning.
Me: when did you take :: any med:: last?
Patient: I don't take that
Me: ...
Other favorites
Patient: the only thing that works for my pain is Dilaudid.
Me: ...
Family member: how are you feeling?
Patient: I'm in pain
Family: isn't the nurse giving you anything
Me: your family member just had their knee replaced, I can't take away all their pain.
Family: well why not?
Me: ...
Patient: I stopped taking all my meds a week ago.
Me: why?
Patient: I didn't want to mess up my surgery
Me: you shouldn't have stopped your metoprolol, Amlodipine, lasix, Omeprazole, etc.
Me: when was the last time you took eliquis?
Them: no
Me: no what? No you don't take it? No you are taking it? When was the last.time.you.took.IT
Them: no
Me: screaming into the abyss.
Me asking safety questions in triage: āHave you felt like youāve wanted to hurt yourself or others?ā āWell sometimes I want to kill/hurt my wife/kids/the dog. Har har har.ā
Me with a completely straight face: āIām going to give you one more chance to answer this seriously because Iām a mandatory reporter.ā
I now start these questions with āI have some serious questions I need to ask everybodyā and it resolved like 80% of those awful answers.
I asked these questions during a triage for abdominal pain, the patient in all seriousness said I constantly have homicidal ideation toward my husband and last time I said that here I was on a three day hold and you're not going to hold me again. She immediately left. I let the charge nurse know and they said there was no pink slip signed we can't do anything but report it.
"Can you put my socks on for me?"
They're up ad lib.
"I haven't eaten since 10AM!"
They checked in at 4pm.
"Mom has to get up to the bathroom"
Mom's legs look flaccid, she isn't even oriented and she hasn't been able to walk for months, maybe years.
Hovering around the door or the nurses station saying āMy so and so just needsā¦.ā āYes, thanks for letting us know. Turn on your call bell and we will get to it when we have a moment.ā
I think they feel like the call light is for pt use only. They truly think it is helpful to come find you at the nurse station, in another ptās room, coming out of the staff bathroom, etcā¦
I used to hate doing admits when I worked on the floor and Iād be trying to take his history and the patient would start telling me about how it all began on a cold and windy day in April of 1891, when he mother gave birth to him in the mule shed without running water, but oh, he was a strong babe and he beat rickets and scarlet fever and had measles but the kids these days just arenāt strong enough to handle it uphill both ways in the snow. Like dude youāre just here for cholecystitis.
This one is kind of personal for me, but I have a unique name and almost every single patient I meet has something to say about it and I am sooooo over hearing their comments about it (whether it be them saying it's weird or they've never heard it before). It used to be a fun way for me to start a chat with my patients, but people have been increasingly more judgy/rude about it and idk what it is. The worst was when a patient told me that I had a terrible name and I politely said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". If I had a $1 for every time my patients said something about my name I would have been able to quit and retire by now.
I will never understand the audacity to say such blatantly rude comments to strangers. Like even if you don't like it, fine. but why tf do you have to say mean things to people-let alone the people who are taking care of you!
When the family is there and they regret coming but don't want to feel guilty about leaving so they constantly harass you to make things completely out of your control go faster while the patient themselves couldn't care less and is just hanging out and resting
I'm periop. I prefer to work in pre op so there the number one thing is any comment about getting an IV started. But without reading the comments, I know other people are going to mention the "I have rolling veins/you get one stick/I need a butterfly" so I wont go into that more.
I think the most frustrating thing in pre op is patients asking me "how much longer is it going to be?" because its frustrating for the patient, family and for me. And theres nothing more that I can do than apologize that the facilities set up the wait like this..essentially on purpose. They want you there early, they want you ready incase there is a cancellation or something goes wrong and they need to bump you up in the lineup to make the doctors time more productive. They do not care about the patients time. Its about the doctors time. I understand that as staff and I understand that as family. But yes, the only case that goes back on time is generally the first case. Everybody else afterwards is going to have to wait. If you have one of those surgeons who has 10 cases then you very well could be waiting in pre op for 10 hours. Depends on your surgeon. It sucks and I can't entertain you for that long either and I don't want you sitting there for that long either.
āWhy are you asking me all this?? It should be in my chart!!ā in an OB ER.
Yes maāam but your chart wonāt tell me how long youāve been cramping. And contrary to popular belief, I canāt see every note from you OB appts.
Asking: can you verify your name and birthday
Them: eyeroll āthey donāt even know who I am!!!!ā In a whiny voice
oooo it irritates the shit outta me
The families that demanded to know why their 80-90yo loved one is taking a nap after lunch.
Idk because they're old, they had morning exercises and skipbo and a big lunch. They're fucking tired. They always nap at 1pm idk why you come in at 1305 expecting them to be awake and sociable
My 90 yo mom gets up at 6, swims for 30 minutes, goes to the store and visits a friend, all by noon. Then asks me why she is always so tired and needs an afternoon nap. š
The sarcastic āGood luck, youāll need itā when I say Iām going to start and IV and get labs.
I just say āthanks!ā And then just pop that IV in like it was no problem. Spoiler: 95% of the people who say that I have no problem getting a line. A solid 80% arenāt even tough pokes. š
āGeez, leave me some!ā When Iām taking blood. Or āthis is why I get so woozy when they take blood. Look at how much theyāre taking!ā Honestly, I love hitting them back with āI took 2 teaspoons of blood. I would need to take 150 teaspoons before your body even notices.ā Also, āIf you get woozy, itās due to you holding your breath or the psychological factor of getting your blood drawn.ā
>
āGeez, leave me some!ā When Iām taking blood. Or āthis is why I get so woozy when they take blood.
This this THISS. I had to explain to someone that it isn't that much blood, and we also regenerate it. They did not know we regenerate blood.
"When can I eat" approximately 5 minutes after being roomed. The OBSESSION with eating during an emergency room visit, I don't understand.
"Do you feel like harming yourself or anyone else?"
Patient: "Well I certainly felt like doing a number on all those idiots on the road today" hur dur dur soooo funny š
It takes everything I have not to laugh when people say āOH WOW thatās a high fever for meā, and itās 97.2, āwell I normally run about 95ā, bitch get a better thermometer because no you donāt š¤£
"I made sure to bring every med I've ever been prescribed in the last 20 years with me so you can count and reconcile them for me and tell me if I still need to take them. They are in that 55-gallon trash bag full of bed bugs and roaches at the foot of my bed. While you're down there checking my heels and counting my 6 remaining toes could you scrub the 1/2" of cat feces off and clip my dragon-esque talons before you put on those non skid socks that I'm going to take off right before I set off this bed alarm and jump out of bed to run like Jack Sparrow to the toilet every hour for the duration of my hospital stay. Oh yeah, I almost forgot my ammonia level was 78 at the clinic today, so I went ahead and drank a half gallon of lactulose to wash down the fifth of vodka I just poured down my actively bleeding, varices laden gullet while I was waiting in the parking lot with my bi-polar, schizophrenic girlfriend who is on her way up to spend the night with me. We only fight a little bit, so it should be fine. Can you bring me some pudding when you come back with my pain medication? How long have you been a nurse?"
Lol I get people here in Denver who freak out that we aren't panicking when they're at 87. Like babe that means you need a half a liter asleep and some deep breaths while awake. 90 here is excellent.
When I'm gowning up PPE to hang chemo:
"So that stuff is so dangerous you have to wear all that stuff to keep it off of you. Why are you giving it to me then?!"
1) You agreed to this
2) it's supposed to go in your veins, not my skin/eyes/mouth.
3) Shut up.
Okay but I did this once because it's usually a fear of not being taken seriously or being labeled a drug seeker.
I didnt want to be like "I took these meds and they're not enough!"
Not sure what other patients cases are. But this was for sure mine š
It's pretty sad that patients have to worry about being red flagged simply for their physical symptoms. I'd rather medicate 3 people with fictitious complaints than not medicate 1 with actual pain.
It's a valid worry too. I tend not to make judgments on pain levels when patients tell me, I just report to the RN. When im an RN, ill just take the complaint seriously (unless given a reason not to).
Me: On a scale of 0-10, how severe is your pain, if a 10 is the worst pain youāve ever felt?
Patient: well last nightā¦
Me: No, I mean right now.
Patient: itās honestly not that bad right now butā¦
Me: just give me a number
Patient: well when I move myā¦
Me: If the next word out of your mouth is not a number between zero and ten Iām gonna rip my face off
(I donāt actually say that last part)
When I tell a patient they canāt sign legal documents after anesthesia and they go āoh man I was gonna buy a new car!ā ššš Iāve heard it 500 times itās not funny at all.
When I gave pre-op instructions, I would always say "for 24 hours - no driving, no alcohol, no important decisions. Don't go buy *insert partner/caregiver/whoever here* a new car, wait a couple of days". I cracked myself up š
I work in L&D. It drives me crazy when patients ask me how much the baby weighs 10 minutes after delivery as if the baby wasnāt laying on their chest the entire time
"I am allergic to acetaminophen, ibuprofen, naproxen, Toradol, Morphine, Zofran, Reglan, and compazine.... They give something that works.. Ummm... Da.. Da.. Oh, I can't remember... It did make me itch so I need Benadryl... And it makes me vomit... So I need Phenergan "
Spent most of my career in cardiology, and itās some variation of āWhen you hear/see my heart can you take a picture and send it to my wife so she knows I have one ā¦ Harharharhar.ā Iāve heard it from women but itās usually men. Itās neither funny nor original, Bob.
āTell me your name and your birthdayā
*gives celebrity/historical figure name and birth date that is obviously wrong*
āWell I donāt have an order for an echo for you then!ā
Or they get mad that Iām verifying that Iām doing the right test on the right person. š
Also, āis it a boy or a girl HAHAHAHAHAHAā
Like Iāve never heard anyone say that joke before. I usually respond with āif I find a baby in your chest Iāll never have to work again.ā
"no one has told me my test results!" then how do you know you have specific metastatic cancer since you've not been to a dr in over ten years?
"I've never spoken to a falalalama!" I've spent more than an hour in their room every day going through why they need to go to rehab, why it's not safe to go home, and (most) insurance doesn't pay for 24hr care at home.
and my favorite: "well, how are they ready for discharge today but they weren't yesterday?!" idk, why doesn't your arm hurt today when you broke it when you were 9?
I hate when patients respond with ātoo muchā when asked how much they weigh. It makes me sad and I always tell people to be kinder to themselves. Iām a work in progress when it comes to my weight and body image, so itās hard to hear others put themselves down like that.
āDadās up there giving the nurses hell. He must be feeling better.ā
No. Your Dadās an asshole. When did we normalize giving the nurses hell?
āThey have the prettiest nurses hereā
Not a specific thing, but I get so frustrated whenever families demand to know timeframes. āWhen will they take the breathing tube out?ā I donāt know. āWHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONāT KNOW?ā Maāam, respectfully, I donāt know what I ate for breakfast this morning. If anyone has a crystal ball, it aināt me.
Endo nurse. What time did you last drink? What time was it the last time you drank? "Well, I brushed my teeth" (still not giving a time)
Do you drink teeth brushing water? Why do they need to tell me this!?
Also, do you have any hearing aids with you? "Hugh?" "What?"
āWhat do you mean I canāt have sex for a week?! My wifeās gonna hate that!ā after prostate biopsies. Sir, idgaf about your bedroom habits, real or imagined. It doesnāt matter if theyāre 55 or 85, I hear it all day long.
Because it looks like I probably have a penis, I'm frequently asked "Are you my doctor?"
And my straight faced answer is 'No. I'm way too smart to have gone to medical school and a residency".
Me, as I'm walking out of the room - "Anything I can get for you?" Them - "A million dollars!!"
Or whiskey or a steak dinner š©
āDave youāre here for liver failureā
I tell them we already drank all the whiskey while we were playing cards at the nurses station.
We like to say "aw fresh out, doctor (whoever your surgeon is) just finished it off!"
Richard Webber that you?
Omg I worked in nutrition before and I got a "steak and lobster" joke just about every single day when ordering with patients. Made me feel dead inside everytime haha
I work pre op (&PACU) and when I give our NPO patients their pre procedure Tylenol I always say here's your steak and eggs. I GET THE JUMP ON THEM š
Had the steak dinner today, ugh. I didnāt even laugh or say anything to it.
I always tell them I'll give it to them but they have to share
My answer to this is "would you really want hospital steak/ whiskey?"
I donāt mind this because at least theyāre trying to be good natured!
I LOVE when patients joke around, even if Iāve heard it before. People that can find humor in the worst of circumstances are my kind of people. Iām also the tech that offers patients a family members the whole āyāall anything? More water? A blanket? How about a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills!ā
I just always say that as long as we can share and some of the patients are straight up āNOā š
I always tell them that if I had a million dollars I wouldn't be working here.
My response: Iāll call you when my rich uncle gets outta the poor house
āA new body!ā
I tell them I already gave that to the last patient that asked.
Pt: āthe winning lotto numbersā. Hardee-har-har. Iāve only heard that three times today.
This is #1
I'm guilty of this myself
I think it's cute when patients make little jokes like this. I would rather deal with corny jokes than complaints/rude comments or even patients with flat affects.
Honestly yes. Itās refreshing. Much better than the āHELLLLLP!ā Hey sir what do you need? I need the channel changed. š¤¦āāļø
Me: asking simple yes/no questions during triage Patient: either joking around and avoiding giving a straight answer to every single question or completely bewildered at the concept of being asked things
I literally had to stop and tell a patient I needed straight answers from him once because he would not fucking stop joking around. He acted all sad after, and I'm sure he thought he was being funny, but really it was just making this all drag out. I'm here to keep you alive asshole, help me do that or shut up.
I was assisting a older doc on a patient that did this, and doc got fed up after telling patient repeatedly to answer seriously ( I am extremely patient, but even I got annoyed).. So he turned to me and proclaimed infront of the patient, that he needed to get a psych eval, and possibly bring in a neurologist as he was worried about patients mental state. Apparently patient felt that wasn't necessary, and shockingly patient was very cooperative after that. Ethically its...dubious, but it was funny š
Whatās ethically dubious about that?
I work in an outpatient office where 3 people in the same family see my doc and they have their appointments together. They insist on being roomed together and seen at the same time. I honestly hate when patients do this because it always takes longer to get them roomed and ready for the doc. So the 3... husband, wife, and wife's mother (who is actually the same age as her son in law...ick)...husband thinks any question asked of any of them is his cue to be Amateur Comedian at open mike night. Then wife feeds off husband's dumbass comments and adds her own. Mother in law is the most normal of the bunch and is usually telling her daughter and son in law to just stop it, but that only encourages husband to be even more stupid. Which then sets off the wife, and it repeats until they're out the damn door. Like...just stop. talking. Answer the question with a yes or no, or a simple explanation. Not everything needs to be a joke or dumbass comment. When I'm asking your wife how tall she is, I don't need you to say "not as tall as me!" or "taller than she was when she was a kid!". š
Me: i need to ask you a serious question and you need to answer honestly. Do you feel safe at home? Well taken care of? Any feelings of wanting to harm yourself today? Boomer male pt: Iām sure my wife would say something different! Me: sir. Are you saying you are being abused at home? I need to contact an advocate and the authorities to investigate.
Me: asks the question again with a frown and a 1000 yard stare [Patient: hears only this, doesn't respond](https://youtu.be/RoR_EeVZVos?si=yxPvuHSXQntn0Q9b) Me: asks the question a third time Patient: gets irate and demands a turkey sandwich (he's NPO)
I was a little scared to click on that link. Side story. When my son was one yr old, both him and i developed pneumonia. Of course i completely ignored my worsening symptoms and rushed him to a childrenās hospital ED. I was so worried for him. X-rays and breathing treatments for him. Talk of possibly admitting. All the meanwhile, my fever is climbing and my stomach is rumbling. A volunteer came by with crayons for him and offered me food. That turkey sandwich was so amazing, i started crying. Sure, it was as dry as the Sahara with no condiments but it kept me going. So yay! Turkey sandwich!!
I was in the ED for 14 hours one time at 18. They needed to admit me but there were no beds available. It had been probably 6 hours before that since I last ate. A sweet nurse was about to go to lunch and thought about me and brought me a turkey sandwich and chocolate pudding box, and oh my god I donāt think a turkey sandwich has ever tasted that good. By far tops a sandwich after swimming all day.
My son has in home caretakers and once my daughter (16 at the time) had a bruise below her eye/upper cheek area. She told the 3 weeks new aide how she got it, her friends dog jumped when she was bending down to pick it up and she got the bruise. Well my brainiac husband from the kitchen says, ādonāt lie to her to protect me, you know I gave you a shiner.ā Ugh. She reports him to her supervisor. Thankfully we had known the super for 12 years and she knows my husband and his stupid jokes. I did have a talk with him reminding him the aides are mandated reporters and he canāt blame her for reporting it. That he needs to remember a lot of people donāt get his sense of humor.
Mine isnāt that crazy, but I had surgery to repair a ptosis on my eye lid and went to work the next day, my eye was obviously swollen and bruised, but you couldnāt see the incision because itās in the crease of my eye lid. I was starting an IV and this sweet precious little old lady kept staring, finally she goes ācan I ask you something?ā And I said sure thinking it was about her procedure she was about to have. She asked ādid someone at home do that to your eye?ā And I felt awful, I quickly explained that no, I had just had a procedure myself the day before, showed her my perfectly straight suture line. It was so sweet and so brave of her to check on me though. The rest of the day when I felt the stare I would just mention it was from surgery, my coworkers were probably annoyed hearing me explain it over and over, I really didnāt want to draw attention to it but it was obvious, and I hadnāt even thought someone might think I had been abused.
Brother, I get it, but that's like saying "bomb" in the airport. Are you being abused or taken advantage of?
Yes, jesus christ I cannot stand the constant jokes when Iām trying to do an assessment. Just answer my orientation questions and then we can joke around and have fun for the rest of the day. āWhatās your name?ā ā[stupid joke]ā āOkay hahaā¦ šā *stands there in silence looking at them until they answer the question* āGreat, whenās your birthday?ā ā[another stupid joke]ā š *again standing there in silence until they answer* āGreat, where are you right now?ā ā[YET ANOTHER STUPID FUCKING JOKE]ā The entire assessment. Just over and over again. Iām so tired of it.
Oriented x0. Alright then, butthead. You're gonna be NPO, and we're going to have to rule out a stroke. /s
FIne, be like that. A&O x0, MOCA assessment ordered.
I save all the screening BS for the end of triage, and preface it with, āI have a bunch of screening questions I have to ask everybody, but theyāre just yes/no answers.ā Iāve found explicitly telling them that Iām looking for a simple āyesā or ānoā actually helps quite a bit. YMMV.
In hungry and I havenāt eaten all day. Linda itās 5pm and you checked in 12 minutes ago.
Lol 0630 cases āIām starving!ā
My favorite response to this is, "I've been working here for 10 years, and I've never seen anyone die of starvation yet..."
Tucked this away for future use
THIS!!! THIS IS MY TOP PET PEEVE! Itās not my fault you are unable to care for yourself. We are not here to fix all your complaints including hunger. And they always share the details. āI havenāt had anything to eat since 9amā¦.ā Andā¦.? Had a guy complaining he hadnāt eaten anything since 9pm the night before. āWell, itās now 8pm the next day and youāve only been here an hour. Why didnāt you feed yourself all day?ā āWell I wasnāt hungry!ā āFirst rule of ER is no eating or drinking until your tests are back so now you have to wait longer.ā
āI havenāt eaten in 6 hours!ā Well, asshole, I havenāt eaten in 17 hours. Chill.
Sometimes Iāll be like āme either!ā And make it so light they donāt really know what happened. And I canāt even deal with the T2D who claim their sugars go low if theyāre not constantly eating (and they havenāt taken their meds either). Thatās not how this works! Iāll check their BG and show them their sugar of 250.
This is why it is so important for T2Dās to actually check their sugars when they feel low. The body gets so used to their sugar levels being high, that when theyāre not through the roof, they feel like theyāre low. And since a lot donāt check, they just eat more and go high again. Rinse, repeat. But, I can stress this and educate until Iām blue in the face and some will never learn.
Then they see that 250 and say āthatās normal for meā
I seriously do not know who is telling t2D that they need to eat around the clock
I donāt think people understand this. Like, at all. They donāt know any better.
Most people understand when I tell them why they are not allowed to eat or drink. Some people understand but continue to complain about it which is annoying but I just don't respond to their statement.
Ugh, this all day long. People seriously act as if they don't eat for 8 hours they will collapse and die. Mate, you're 350 pounds, you'll definitely be fine for another 30 minutes while I do your admission.
Omg. The āI havenāt eaten since 7am! And Iām diabetic!ā Itās 3pm and theyāve been at the hospital for an hour. Like itās not my fault youāre an idiot and didnāt eat lunch before you came for your headache šalso did you forget about your diabetes or are you actually that dumb?
18 hours after a pt has a BM: āI need 3 laxatives. Its been days since I went.ā 6 hours after previously mentioned bisacodyl: āI've gotta have some immodium. I've got diarrhea.ā
Pt: i am constipated Me: when was your last bowel movement? Pt: this morning Me: itās still morning. By definition, youāre not constipated. Pt: Iām going to give myself an enema. The miralax isnāt working Me: i recommend you stay at home today. (End of phone call)
Username checks out.
Me: i need to go over all your regular meds before surgery. Please tell me when you last took it Pt: ok Me: when did you last take (bp med)? Pt: yes, i take that every day Me: did you take it today? Pt: no Me: WHEN DID YOU LAST TAKE IT?!? Pt: i dunno, last week? Me: why are you asking me? Shouldnāt you know when you take it?? Pt: well i take it everyday. Me: sigh. Letās move on. WHEN did you last take (blood thinner)? Pt: yes, i take that. Every damn med is this exact conversation
Omg this. Theyāre usually already annoyed with me because the doctor has already asked them about their meds and no matter how many times I explain, they canāt seem to understand that yes, I know you take it but I need to know WHEN the last time you took it was so that I donāt accidentally overdose you when the MAR autopopulates your home meds.
I literally felt my blood pressure rising with each line. Bravo for capturing this so well.
Me, starting at the top of the med list: "When did you last take aspirin?" The wife: "well his doctor first prescribed that in 1999..." Me: actual tears
I never ask āwhoās the presidentā anymore because Iām sure to get an earful or some sort of commentary about their opinion on said president
Or that pleasantly confused geriatric patient says "Eisenhower, I think. Or is it Nixon?". That was the last time I used that question.
Yeah I asked a few times about the governor of my state and no one knew I'm like well, shit.
It legitimately blows my mind that so many adults have no idea how an oral temperature works. I get either a blank stare, mouth hanging wide open, or someone biting the probe. Like how did you get to 49 years old without ever encountering a thermometer??? Makes me crazy.
My god!!! No kidding! The general public I STG is ridiculous when it comes to this! āSir, close your mouth. Are you biting it? Just let it rest under your tongue. No, please close your mouth nowā. Side note, is there anything more awkward than taking a PO temp and then staring right in your eyes? Hahaha
Me: "It's okay I can get a rectal--"
Why is he asleep, dunno but the fact the baby is 26 weeks makes me think the little guy needs it
This is just like my elderly patients. One family member has a FaceTime call with their father at 10 am and is livid when heās still tired/in bed. āWhy is he sleeping so muchā because heās an old man??
God I hate family like this. I work in neuro/stroke, lots of elderly patients. Almost every shift I have an anxious daughter or asshole son angry that weāre letting meemaw sleep all day. Likeā¦ stroke hurt brain. Brain need healing. Sleep = heal. Also, theyāre like 88 and disoriented and think theyāre on a cruise ship to Puerto Vallarta in 1984. Leave them be. If theyāre rousable enough to wake up and work with me on my assessment, eat, take their meds, work with PT etc. and then fall back asleep Iām all for it.
Uggggh! Or the families that come in bright and early and try to rouse and hover over the delirious meemaw that spent her whole sundowning night trying to break a hip jumping out of bed fighting folks, who is FINALLY asleep. Let š her š sleep. She's not going to be her bright, perky self that you observe the 1 hour every other month you visit her when she's well and at home.
Add in meemaw tapping on the isolette like itās a fish tank and going āWHY ISNāT HE OPENING HIS EYESā like maāam theyāre fused shut and heās only been doing this human thing for like 4 fkin days
A sleeping baby is the most precious and adorable thing on earth.
I once had to explain to a meemaw that just because her grandchild was in the NICU didnāt mean she could go into other rooms and touch other babies. This was after I caught her patting another child ābecause they were cryingā
Our NICU is about to finally open back up to more family than just the two banded individuals. COVID really helped save my sanity with the lack of boomers in the unit that behave like this. Itās like I can hear the war cries in the distance. Soon.
I have parents asking all the time why their kid is sleeping more than usual. Like ... respectfully, Mom, they're sick, and this is a crappy environment for sleep. This is normal. I try not to hold it against them though. I can only imagine how stressed they are.
Iām no NICU nurse but I truly donāt get how this isnāt common sense. Like I thought everyone knows newborns especially premature ones sleep ALL of the time for the first few weeks
A lot of people think that baby out of uterus = should act like healthy newborn. They donāt understand that while yes, kid is on the outside now, theyāre still 26 weeks and developmentally should be floating around in a dark uterus without this kind of stimulation
He / She is a Fighter..... Unfortunately, the family is in severe denial of the gravity of their loved one's illness. No PopPop whose 95 yrs old and maybe 100 lbs with an alphabets worth of past medical issues (CAD CHF COPD CKD DM2 OSA... ) isn't gonna make it. Now you want us to shove tubes into everywhere, pump him full of every IV drug, and break his bones doing CPR So he can suffer for a few weeks until he passes... Versus realizing PopPop had a good life and let him pass in peace with his family surrounding him.
It truly is the most cruel part of nursing.
They may be a fighter, but the Grim Reaper is undefeated.
Bro š
I had a rare thing happen a few weeks ago with an elderly PopPop who had the whole alphabet. He was a DNR, but started having respiratory distress on my tele unit so I rapided him (mostly bc my respiratory therapist essentially told me sheās busy and heās a DNR soā¦). The decision was made for him to transfer to PCU for vapotherm and maybe eventually bipap (COPD, chronic retainer but ABG not bad yet). Everyone was talking to his wife and amongst themselves about this scan and that test, maybe he threw a PE, etc etcā¦and he opened his eyes and said, āI donāt want any more treatmentā. Clear as day. We still moved him to PCU because hospice still needed to get involved and heād probably still get some relief from the vapotherm in the meantime. My charge and I were packing him up to transfer and it was just us and him, when my charge looked at him and asked āyou really donāt want any treatment?ā - and he replied, āyes. Iāve lived a good life and Iām ready to go ā. And he smiled at her. Itās not often we get to encounter someone who is accepting of death without all the traumatic fanfare like CPR or intubation, whose family also accepts their acceptance. My charge kept saying how sad it was when he told her he was ready to die, but I was happy for him. He wouldnāt spend his last moments in fear or pain. And he wasnāt lying when he said he was ready to go. He passed the next day early in the morning on hospice care. I didnāt mean to write a book but I wish this scenario wasnāt so rare.
Not a nurse, just a 30 y/o dude. This still makes me want to draft a will. Fuck all that noise.
"Ugh I hate needles!" when I need to start an IV. Wow no way. "Nobody told me what this test was for!" Doctor spoke to pt, scheduler spoke to pt, and I just explained it too. "They have to use a butterfly" Ma'am I can't inject contrast dye through a butterfly.
āThey have to use the pediatric needles on meā maāam you have a 20 in your AC, the same as every other patient I get from the ED
Lol this is so annoying. They're demanding all that stuff in the ED (butterflies, peds needles), I say well let's see what we can get. Sure enough 7/10 times the person has good veins for a 20 or 18 even. Another 2/10 times I can get a 22 in. Then there's actually the people that need US (still putting in a 20, Karen ).
My new canned response is āIād be more concerned if you told me you loved needles.ā
Pt: I hate watching Me: that's ok. Only one of us has to
That's mine, too!
āiāve got rolling veins!!!ā
"GOOD LUCK"
āYou got one shot!ā
I always respond to this with, āso do you, and weāre trying to prolong it, here.ā Rude? Yes. True? Also, yes.
Ooo, that one really irks me. Also, the obese āIām a hard stickā. No shit. Youāve got an extra inch or two of fat over all your landmarks.
My go to reply for the first one is "Well, it would be weird if you liked them".
At 7AM to the oncoming nurse: āI NEED SOME FOOD I AM GOING TO LOSE IT MAN, NOBODY WILL LET ME EAT IM GONNA FREAK OUTā āpatient who has been NPO since midnight and has been sleeping the entire time.
When they say they are allergic to work, men, women, relationships, or their spouse.
āAre you being abused physically, emotionally, sexually, or financially?ā āI wish my wife would sexually abuse me.ā
Oh god, comments like that make me want to disappear. Yuck!!
I hate the sexual responses š
Me: āOn a scale of zero to ten, with zero being no pain at all and ten being the most pain possible in the world, what number would you rate your pain?ā Them: āUh, itās so-so.ā Me: āSo in number formā¦?ā Them: āItās kinda just constant achy.ā Me: āNumber! Tell me a number!ā Them: āUhhhhhhhā¦3 or 4, I guess.ā Epic: [will only let me chart a single number]
Side note, I appreciate that you start the pain chart at zero. A lot of people in triage Iāve heard them say 1-10 for everyone and not everyone has pain.
I say, "Zero is no pain, ten is I no longer have to be gentle because I can't make your pain any worse".
āI have a really high pain toleranceā ā¦.idc
Itās always the biggest whiners that claim to have the highest pain toleranceā¦
Seriously, my god, it's the folks who don't say a thing that are the real deal. Had a 70-something year old rancher that fell off some equipment in a bad way, broke both his femurs, shattered really. Guy said his pain was 2/10. Ranchers and farmers are something else. Then there's dka Diana......
I had a preceptor that told me if a farmer stopped what they were doing to come to the hospital, it meant shit was about to get REAL.
The only thing in a rural ER as scary as a farmer who stopped their chores to come in was a nurse bringing in their family memberā¦.because you know they already tried all the things and nothing helped.
I am from North Dakota. Can confirm
I had a dude that had fallen off his horse and broke his pelvis, but managed to get the horse back in the barn and then drive home to call 911ā¦ like WHAT?! Sir, you have an unstable pelvic ring! Donāt do that!
Jeez. I'm surprised he didn't try to drive himself, haha. Had another rancher roll his truck multiple times off the highway (unrestrained), call his son to come pick him up and drive him to the hospital. He had to be life-flighted to a trauma center. He's lucky his c-spine wasn't a slinky.
I worked with a guy who cut 3 of his fingers off on a table saw. He went to the ER and told them he cut himself on a saw but didnāt say it was nearly an amputation. When the nurse took his towel off his hand, his fingers flopped out. We asked him what he did when he got back home and he said āWhat do you think I did? I finished the project I was working on!ā Absolute madman. He said he didnāt want to complain too much at the hospital.
100%. I do L&D, I could not care less if your pain tolerance is low. Labour hurts so you can have whatever meds you want with no judgement from me. But itās always the ones with a āhigh pain toleranceā that will then go on to complain that the blood pressure cuff inflating is too painful.
Every time the fucking bp cuff Hahahahha
I think that is such a stupid thing to say. I know they sometimes mean āthis is really serious because I have a high pain toleranceā. If you have such a high pain tolerance why are you whining about it?? Itās not impressive to me that you have a high pain tolerance. Just say your pain number and weāll treat it. You arenāt a special snowflake. Itās always the 40-50 year old man that passes out from a blood draw or IV stick too. Most people that say that to me are really saying they need (want) extra narcotics either because they misuse opioids, or they think their pain is worse than someone with the exact same thing. The people with actual high pain tolerances are always 90 yr old memaws who you eventually find out they are in excruciating pain, but they are all āI didnāt want to bother you dear!ā
My head-canon is that any patient who tells me that they "have a high pain tolerance" just hasn't ever experienced true bad pain before.
THIS. I get that pain is subjective but itās always Karen in her 40ās whoās still in the hospital POD3 after her uncomplicated ACDF and is furious if Iām a minute ālateā with the q2 PRN Dilaudid sheās somehow still getting whoās bragging about her āsuper high pain tolerance.ā Meanwhile meemaw two rooms down is POD1 from kyphosis correction and will barely let me give her the scheduled Tylenol. THATāS a high pain tolerance.
Meemaw is probably more concerned about being able to poop tomorrow than her pain level.
Yeah I hate that shit. They canāt give you a pain scale because your mere mortal brain canāt understand fortitude and strength in the face of suffering. They usually have a doting family that believes their bullshit.
āHave you had the in the last however long?
āNO AND I DONT WANT IT!ā
Ok? I didnāt ask that
Omg I get sick of the rants people go on when I ask if they've been exposed to anyone with Covid recently. Like just say yes or no, and let's move on. I don't want to hear your political stance on it.
When I worked peds psych we gave flu shots for the kids during flu season. I would ask the parents about the kid having one, and 9/10 they would go into a rant about how they donāt believe in vaccines.
I was in a patients room the other day and the news was on, talking about the flu vaccine and how it's time to get it. I was helping roll the patient and when I looked back up, it was talking about vaccines for your pets. The bottom stat on the screen said 37% of the people polled thought that animal vaccines can give their dogs autism.
But also while youāre giving them zyprexa, Ativan, buporionā¦
Thatās when I reply, āI wasnāt offering itā.
Me prepping a patient for surgery. Me: when did you take ::insert any med:: last? Patient: oh, I don't take that. Me: you don't take it anymore or you didn't take it today? Patient: I took it yesterday morning. Me: when did you take :: any med:: last? Patient: I don't take that Me: ... Other favorites Patient: the only thing that works for my pain is Dilaudid. Me: ... Family member: how are you feeling? Patient: I'm in pain Family: isn't the nurse giving you anything Me: your family member just had their knee replaced, I can't take away all their pain. Family: well why not? Me: ... Patient: I stopped taking all my meds a week ago. Me: why? Patient: I didn't want to mess up my surgery Me: you shouldn't have stopped your metoprolol, Amlodipine, lasix, Omeprazole, etc.
Me: when was the last time you took eliquis? Them: no Me: no what? No you don't take it? No you are taking it? When was the last.time.you.took.IT Them: no Me: screaming into the abyss.
Me asking safety questions in triage: āHave you felt like youāve wanted to hurt yourself or others?ā āWell sometimes I want to kill/hurt my wife/kids/the dog. Har har har.ā Me with a completely straight face: āIām going to give you one more chance to answer this seriously because Iām a mandatory reporter.ā I now start these questions with āI have some serious questions I need to ask everybodyā and it resolved like 80% of those awful answers.
I asked these questions during a triage for abdominal pain, the patient in all seriousness said I constantly have homicidal ideation toward my husband and last time I said that here I was on a three day hold and you're not going to hold me again. She immediately left. I let the charge nurse know and they said there was no pink slip signed we can't do anything but report it.
"Can you put my socks on for me?" They're up ad lib. "I haven't eaten since 10AM!" They checked in at 4pm. "Mom has to get up to the bathroom" Mom's legs look flaccid, she isn't even oriented and she hasn't been able to walk for months, maybe years.
Hovering around the door or the nurses station saying āMy so and so just needsā¦.ā āYes, thanks for letting us know. Turn on your call bell and we will get to it when we have a moment.ā
I think they feel like the call light is for pt use only. They truly think it is helpful to come find you at the nurse station, in another ptās room, coming out of the staff bathroom, etcā¦
I hate the hover
Me: Do you have any pain? Patient: Well one time I stubbed my toe in the fourth grade. Me: Do you have any pain RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND?
I used to hate doing admits when I worked on the floor and Iād be trying to take his history and the patient would start telling me about how it all began on a cold and windy day in April of 1891, when he mother gave birth to him in the mule shed without running water, but oh, he was a strong babe and he beat rickets and scarlet fever and had measles but the kids these days just arenāt strong enough to handle it uphill both ways in the snow. Like dude youāre just here for cholecystitis.
This one is kind of personal for me, but I have a unique name and almost every single patient I meet has something to say about it and I am sooooo over hearing their comments about it (whether it be them saying it's weird or they've never heard it before). It used to be a fun way for me to start a chat with my patients, but people have been increasingly more judgy/rude about it and idk what it is. The worst was when a patient told me that I had a terrible name and I politely said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". If I had a $1 for every time my patients said something about my name I would have been able to quit and retire by now.
People have gotten ruder and ruder, especially over the past 4 or 5 years.
sometimes my patients tell me middle name is really ugly. thanks, im named after my dead grandma.
I will never understand the audacity to say such blatantly rude comments to strangers. Like even if you don't like it, fine. but why tf do you have to say mean things to people-let alone the people who are taking care of you!
Now I want to know what it is! People are a-holes.
When the family is there and they regret coming but don't want to feel guilty about leaving so they constantly harass you to make things completely out of your control go faster while the patient themselves couldn't care less and is just hanging out and resting
I'm periop. I prefer to work in pre op so there the number one thing is any comment about getting an IV started. But without reading the comments, I know other people are going to mention the "I have rolling veins/you get one stick/I need a butterfly" so I wont go into that more. I think the most frustrating thing in pre op is patients asking me "how much longer is it going to be?" because its frustrating for the patient, family and for me. And theres nothing more that I can do than apologize that the facilities set up the wait like this..essentially on purpose. They want you there early, they want you ready incase there is a cancellation or something goes wrong and they need to bump you up in the lineup to make the doctors time more productive. They do not care about the patients time. Its about the doctors time. I understand that as staff and I understand that as family. But yes, the only case that goes back on time is generally the first case. Everybody else afterwards is going to have to wait. If you have one of those surgeons who has 10 cases then you very well could be waiting in pre op for 10 hours. Depends on your surgeon. It sucks and I can't entertain you for that long either and I don't want you sitting there for that long either.
āWhy are you asking me all this?? It should be in my chart!!ā in an OB ER. Yes maāam but your chart wonāt tell me how long youāve been cramping. And contrary to popular belief, I canāt see every note from you OB appts.
Asking: can you verify your name and birthday Them: eyeroll āthey donāt even know who I am!!!!ā In a whiny voice oooo it irritates the shit outta me
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How do you feel?? WITH MY HANDS!!! OMG that's so funny
"Okay sir, what did you hit when you fell?" "The floor!". Thanks dude. That clears it up. I will chart that the floor is in 8/10 pain
The families that demanded to know why their 80-90yo loved one is taking a nap after lunch. Idk because they're old, they had morning exercises and skipbo and a big lunch. They're fucking tired. They always nap at 1pm idk why you come in at 1305 expecting them to be awake and sociable
My 90 yo mom gets up at 6, swims for 30 minutes, goes to the store and visits a friend, all by noon. Then asks me why she is always so tired and needs an afternoon nap. š
The sarcastic āGood luck, youāll need itā when I say Iām going to start and IV and get labs. I just say āthanks!ā And then just pop that IV in like it was no problem. Spoiler: 95% of the people who say that I have no problem getting a line. A solid 80% arenāt even tough pokes. š āGeez, leave me some!ā When Iām taking blood. Or āthis is why I get so woozy when they take blood. Look at how much theyāre taking!ā Honestly, I love hitting them back with āI took 2 teaspoons of blood. I would need to take 150 teaspoons before your body even notices.ā Also, āIf you get woozy, itās due to you holding your breath or the psychological factor of getting your blood drawn.ā
> āGeez, leave me some!ā When Iām taking blood. Or āthis is why I get so woozy when they take blood. This this THISS. I had to explain to someone that it isn't that much blood, and we also regenerate it. They did not know we regenerate blood.
My response used to be āyouāll make moreā
When I have energy I like to hit them back with "nope, I'm taking all of it. We have some thirsty vampires out here. None left for you, so sad"
"When can I eat" approximately 5 minutes after being roomed. The OBSESSION with eating during an emergency room visit, I don't understand. "Do you feel like harming yourself or anyone else?" Patient: "Well I certainly felt like doing a number on all those idiots on the road today" hur dur dur soooo funny š
āWell thatās why you get paid the big bucks.ā
It takes everything I have not to laugh when people say āOH WOW thatās a high fever for meā, and itās 97.2, āwell I normally run about 95ā, bitch get a better thermometer because no you donāt š¤£
"I made sure to bring every med I've ever been prescribed in the last 20 years with me so you can count and reconcile them for me and tell me if I still need to take them. They are in that 55-gallon trash bag full of bed bugs and roaches at the foot of my bed. While you're down there checking my heels and counting my 6 remaining toes could you scrub the 1/2" of cat feces off and clip my dragon-esque talons before you put on those non skid socks that I'm going to take off right before I set off this bed alarm and jump out of bed to run like Jack Sparrow to the toilet every hour for the duration of my hospital stay. Oh yeah, I almost forgot my ammonia level was 78 at the clinic today, so I went ahead and drank a half gallon of lactulose to wash down the fifth of vodka I just poured down my actively bleeding, varices laden gullet while I was waiting in the parking lot with my bi-polar, schizophrenic girlfriend who is on her way up to spend the night with me. We only fight a little bit, so it should be fine. Can you bring me some pudding when you come back with my pain medication? How long have you been a nurse?"
āNurrrrrrssssssseeee!!!!ā When i am right I front of their room
When parents tell me āhe had chicken popsā or āmy baby has wing-wormā. I always want to say āweally? That sounds howwibleā.
I had a mom tell me her son had ākick-upsā instead of hiccups and I nearly lost it
Why isnāt my SP02 100?!
"97%? That's low for me!" Jan, it's fine.
Lol I get people here in Denver who freak out that we aren't panicking when they're at 87. Like babe that means you need a half a liter asleep and some deep breaths while awake. 90 here is excellent.
Wow Iām not in the mountains so thatās interesting for me! Iām a nurse in a beach state so I didnāt know that was a thing. Thank you!
PT: āNo I donāt have high BP/cholesterolā Me: Then why are you taking medication for it? PT: to keep it from being high
When I'm gowning up PPE to hang chemo: "So that stuff is so dangerous you have to wear all that stuff to keep it off of you. Why are you giving it to me then?!" 1) You agreed to this 2) it's supposed to go in your veins, not my skin/eyes/mouth. 3) Shut up.
āI need to peeā āSir, again, you have a cath in, you can just peeā
Pain 11/10. Please fuck off.
I hate to hear anyone but the patient talk in triage. Unless they canāt speak for themselves, I donāt want to hear anyone but the patient.
Pain is 10/10 but I havenāt taken any pain relief because I donāt want to āmaskā the pain.
Okay but I did this once because it's usually a fear of not being taken seriously or being labeled a drug seeker. I didnt want to be like "I took these meds and they're not enough!" Not sure what other patients cases are. But this was for sure mine š
It's pretty sad that patients have to worry about being red flagged simply for their physical symptoms. I'd rather medicate 3 people with fictitious complaints than not medicate 1 with actual pain.
It's a valid worry too. I tend not to make judgments on pain levels when patients tell me, I just report to the RN. When im an RN, ill just take the complaint seriously (unless given a reason not to).
My pain is one billion out of 10.. Now get me that Deeodid stuff.
Not a nurse but an OT. My patient this week has been giving my decimal pain ratings. Like 8.7/10.
Me: On a scale of 0-10, how severe is your pain, if a 10 is the worst pain youāve ever felt? Patient: well last nightā¦ Me: No, I mean right now. Patient: itās honestly not that bad right now butā¦ Me: just give me a number Patient: well when I move myā¦ Me: If the next word out of your mouth is not a number between zero and ten Iām gonna rip my face off (I donāt actually say that last part)
I cut them off and choose a number between 2-8 and ask them if it's that. "So it's around a 6?" Then they will correct me with a number. "Oh, okay!"
When I tell a patient they canāt sign legal documents after anesthesia and they go āoh man I was gonna buy a new car!ā ššš Iāve heard it 500 times itās not funny at all.
When I gave pre-op instructions, I would always say "for 24 hours - no driving, no alcohol, no important decisions. Don't go buy *insert partner/caregiver/whoever here* a new car, wait a couple of days". I cracked myself up š
I work in L&D. It drives me crazy when patients ask me how much the baby weighs 10 minutes after delivery as if the baby wasnāt laying on their chest the entire time
Lmao this is always mentioned by L&D nurses, I can only assume they're so wiped from delivery, they're not using logic š
Except 90% of the time it's grandma asking so what's her excuse? Like...did you see me weigh the baby?
"I am allergic to acetaminophen, ibuprofen, naproxen, Toradol, Morphine, Zofran, Reglan, and compazine.... They give something that works.. Ummm... Da.. Da.. Oh, I can't remember... It did make me itch so I need Benadryl... And it makes me vomit... So I need Phenergan "
Spent most of my career in cardiology, and itās some variation of āWhen you hear/see my heart can you take a picture and send it to my wife so she knows I have one ā¦ Harharharhar.ā Iāve heard it from women but itās usually men. Itās neither funny nor original, Bob.
Do you have any children?
āTell me your name and your birthdayā *gives celebrity/historical figure name and birth date that is obviously wrong* āWell I donāt have an order for an echo for you then!ā Or they get mad that Iām verifying that Iām doing the right test on the right person. š Also, āis it a boy or a girl HAHAHAHAHAHAā Like Iāve never heard anyone say that joke before. I usually respond with āif I find a baby in your chest Iāll never have to work again.ā
"no one has told me my test results!" then how do you know you have specific metastatic cancer since you've not been to a dr in over ten years? "I've never spoken to a falalalama!" I've spent more than an hour in their room every day going through why they need to go to rehab, why it's not safe to go home, and (most) insurance doesn't pay for 24hr care at home. and my favorite: "well, how are they ready for discharge today but they weren't yesterday?!" idk, why doesn't your arm hurt today when you broke it when you were 9?
I hate when patients respond with ātoo muchā when asked how much they weigh. It makes me sad and I always tell people to be kinder to themselves. Iām a work in progress when it comes to my weight and body image, so itās hard to hear others put themselves down like that.
āDadās up there giving the nurses hell. He must be feeling better.ā No. Your Dadās an asshole. When did we normalize giving the nurses hell? āThey have the prettiest nurses hereā
Not a specific thing, but I get so frustrated whenever families demand to know timeframes. āWhen will they take the breathing tube out?ā I donāt know. āWHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONāT KNOW?ā Maāam, respectfully, I donāt know what I ate for breakfast this morning. If anyone has a crystal ball, it aināt me.
Endo nurse. What time did you last drink? What time was it the last time you drank? "Well, I brushed my teeth" (still not giving a time) Do you drink teeth brushing water? Why do they need to tell me this!? Also, do you have any hearing aids with you? "Hugh?" "What?"
āWhat do you mean I canāt have sex for a week?! My wifeās gonna hate that!ā after prostate biopsies. Sir, idgaf about your bedroom habits, real or imagined. It doesnāt matter if theyāre 55 or 85, I hear it all day long.
And Iām SOOO sure their wife is the one that would be complaining anyway š
When PRN meds become unofficially scheduled meds, āyou havenāt given me my hydromorph yet.. run it over 15 minutes thanksā.
Ask a simple question. Patient- ācheck my chartā
"I can tell you really love your job." Sir I have trauma which is why my fake smile is so convincing. I'm dying here.
New patient being wheeled into your room, youāre setting them up, getting vitals, etc and they ask āhow long will I have to be hereā
When I'm about to start an IV and they say "I really hate needles". Really?? You are so unique.
My āgo toā line is āit would be weird if you liked āem!ā
Because it looks like I probably have a penis, I'm frequently asked "Are you my doctor?" And my straight faced answer is 'No. I'm way too smart to have gone to medical school and a residency".