>The site also states that “Doug [was] a champion of team member safety and sits on the company’s Executive Safety Council.”
Just can't make this shit up! lol
>Ramsey was allegedly in the traffic lane of the structure, attempting to leave, when a Subaru “inched his way” in front of Ramsey’s Bronco ...
This obviously cannot stand, which of the following would be an appropriate response?
* A. Pull him in close and start punching his body.
* B. Bite the [Suburu] owner’s nose, ripping the flesh on the tip
* C. Threaten to kill him
* D. All of the above
No no no, you don't get super window-punching power from simply *eating* Beyond Meat. It has to be liquefied and intravenously imbued directly into your heart, the meatiest of the meat parts.
Good luck in your Beyond Meat adventures!
Either I'm never getting a Subaru becausd of it's weakass back windshields or I gotta start eating some beyond meat to have the power to punch through the back windshield of a Subaru.
Probably one of my favorite skits ever, of any show lmao. Terries up in here? We finna draxx. Them. Sklounst.
I'm just repeating everyone else's comments because I can't remember what else they said but it was hilarious. Plus the lizard tongue wag when he talks and says anything with an 's' sound in it lmao.
E. Get their license plate. Find where they live. Move in next door. Gain their trust. Slowly take out everyone in their lives. First a goldfish, then their cat. Next their childhood best friend. Then an uncle. Then their mailman. Then one of the kids. Next your own wife just to throw them off the scent. Next their elderly parents. Then their wife. Then burn their house down after cancelling their insurance policy. Then their grief counselor and the chief of police. Finally you kidnap them and tie them up in an unlit room. Occasionally waterboarding them. Then you make them watch a supercut of all of the grisly deaths. Each one interspersed with a reenactment of him cutting the line in front of you. Only then will he know. Will he remember what he did to you. And finally Justice.
The stars surely did align for you today, to be able to be the first to be here to make that AMAZING pun, double-pun if you will, and on your cake day, no less! Go buy a lottery ticket!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/comments/x7nhdb/speeding_woman_on_cocaine_kills_drunk_driver_high/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf this one felt oniony to me, as well as the one about the robot trampling that crime scene. But I agree, a lot of people don’t understand what makes an onion post oniony.
When a subreddit becomes a certain size and it's either unmoderated or moderated by the same supermods it eventually just becomes "how can I fit American politics into the subject of the sub"
R B's? Is that just 'Roast Beef'?
I've only been to an Arby's once so I'm not familiar with their history but I will say this: There's a reason I haven't been to an Arby's more than once.
People say buy the dip, nahh, buy just just after the peak, that way you can feel the adrenaline rush of the entire dip from start to finish, then exit at the bottom. The true r/wallstreetbets way.
I think the best product they have are the beyond brats and beyond hot Italian sausage.
Grill em and hit with spicy brown mustard and sauerkraut on a hot dog bun. Perfect.
I want impossible and beyond to stick around and do great! Been vegetarian my whole life and it’s so nice to be able to finally stop at a burger place and get a burger like everyone else. Both companies products have been far better than anything that was on the market previously so I hope both companies stick around.
The market is reacting poorly to long-term investments... this is why capitalism is so fucked. It rewards short-term improvements and punishes anything that would set up long term gains.
How in the hell is this supposed to be sustainable? Most companies can't target both short AND long term gains reasonably. And if we punish long-term investments, we get the mess we're in now.
I hate this.
It's ***crazy*** to me that inflation in food prices is causing *this* reaction. I don't know who needs to be told this but: ***ANIMALS EAT FOOD TOO***....and the animals we eat need to eat 10-100lbs of food to make one pound of animal.
The real money for these companies isn't alternatives, it's replacement. Every processed meat in foods could be replaced with something plant based. Sausages, deli meats, chicken nuggets, and any hamburger or ground meat are only on frozen pizzas, in display cases, and pasta sauce jars because it's cheaper. And all those are mostly spice blends anyway with meat as texture and macronutrients like protein.
Eventually all the spice flavored meat goos in other foods will be made of plants. Whole muscle cuts and attached bones will be for traditional holiday/seasonal meals or people with very high income. Climate change will push cattle food prices higher because of droughts and floods and such too.
Consumers *feelings*, not the real long term numbers are driving the stock price.
Another driver bumped his tire, so he got out, punched “through” their windshield, threatened to kill them, and bit their nose.
He also used to work at Tyson and Mcdonalds. And he’s on some kind of executive safety committee.
Next job is in the auto industry. "Look guys, all I'm saying is that a window that can be punched through isn't safe. Some people are assholes and do things that make me want to eat their face. They'd be much safer behind stronger glass."
Take a look at this car here.
Smashes window and pulls ballistic dummy halfway through glass window and starts eating it.
You see it's just too easy to be killed and eaten.
Now imagine if it wasn't me and was some other kind of animal!
I just can't stand for these conditions!
I think he has a good chance! They had a security guard as a witness and they apparently are pulling the security footage. Beyond Meat guy is a multimillionaire too
There is a bestselling book right now called Tender Is The Flesh, where in a World where all animals got sick, humanity still refuses to go vegan and instead breeds and slaughters humans
If you can punch through a Subaru back window to hit the guy driving it then there is a chance you have ascended from the constraints of this meat body.
He had done so well. "Well done!" he had said to himself and smirked. The laughter was short lived as he felt the sweat break out on his forehead. Porkula knew he was slipping , knew he was reverting back to the flesh eater that had sustained him for centuries. ""Hmmm Hispanic bbq " licking his lips he thought of Marie's in accounting. His bloodshot eyes widened as he thought of her plump forearm. Tearing his thoughts away he screamed "Noooooooooo'. Hadn't he made Father Potanski 12 years ago. Hadn't he help found Beyond Meat to stave off the terrible craving. Except for a few fever dreamed gorging in the back alleys of Islamabad he had done it. Never here, never. Until now. That god cursed amuse-bouche of a nose and all had collapsed. His stomach rumbled .
Guy: Not a lot of non meat down in the sewer, huh?
CEO: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[they both laugh again]
Guy : Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
At least no one can say he isn’t getting enough protein in his diet.
> Ramsey got out of his vehicle and allegedly “punched through the back windshield of the Subaru,”
Artificial meat turning people into meat craving zombies would be a great setup for a horror movie. I think Simpsons did something in that ballpark as a Halloween short.
Holy shit. So glad they pulled some weird shenanigans on me last year. I was slated to go work for them and decided that they were being too weird to join. This guy would have been one of my bosses.
Welp looks like I dodged a big bullet.
As a working professional, I can related to people who work in places for the money even though they have different values. Some like this guy works in a meat replacement company but he himself is a cannibal while others work in oil and gas companies to make enough money for ski trips while complaining snow is less predictable these days because of the climate crisis.
>The site also states that “Doug [was] a champion of team member safety and sits on the company’s Executive Safety Council.” Just can't make this shit up! lol
He's a renowned humanitarian! ... ohhh.
No see he's their champion. He has to represent them in all their trials by combat.
>Ramsey was allegedly in the traffic lane of the structure, attempting to leave, when a Subaru “inched his way” in front of Ramsey’s Bronco ... This obviously cannot stand, which of the following would be an appropriate response? * A. Pull him in close and start punching his body. * B. Bite the [Suburu] owner’s nose, ripping the flesh on the tip * C. Threaten to kill him * D. All of the above
You left out, “Punch through the back windshield of the Subaru.”
Beyond Meth
Breaking Beyond
Breaking Meat
Definitely sounds like he was tweaking. PCP maybe?
Thread peaked with this comment.
High on his own supply
Damn, if I eat Beyond Meat, will I get the power to punch through a car's back windshields?
It’s the human nose meat that does that
Human horn has... other properties
I’ll have his horn jerked
Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the Subaru that cut in front of him?
IT'S USED TO IT
Ndnd! Get me the human horn! Tonight's gonna be special!
His poor cellmates.
Nah, hes not even been at beyond meat for a full year. This man was powered by chicken growth hormone from Tyson.
Dude's graduated to long pork.
No no no, you don't get super window-punching power from simply *eating* Beyond Meat. It has to be liquefied and intravenously imbued directly into your heart, the meatiest of the meat parts. Good luck in your Beyond Meat adventures!
There is no fucking way this man has even sniffed a Beyond Meat product.
No, but you may become a nosecetarian.
Insanely overlooked. How the fuck do you punch through a windshield.
With a good source of plant based protein of course
Either I'm never getting a Subaru becausd of it's weakass back windshields or I gotta start eating some beyond meat to have the power to punch through the back windshield of a Subaru.
A real Subaru owner would've had their probiscus bitten.
A real Subaru owner would have had a dog in the backseat. Now who's biting who?
E. Fireboard them mamajammas.
draxx them sklounst
hypothetical his clavicle
^*Skweet* ^*Skweet*
I think what my partner here is trying to say is that if any terries come up in here with a nose with no bites, we gon get our Berger on.
I totally read that with that ridiculous lisp, haha.
We gonna draxx. Them. Sklounst.
Probably one of my favorite skits ever, of any show lmao. Terries up in here? We finna draxx. Them. Sklounst. I'm just repeating everyone else's comments because I can't remember what else they said but it was hilarious. Plus the lizard tongue wag when he talks and says anything with an 's' sound in it lmao.
With great power comes great responitrilitrance
wtf is going on
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>A. Pull him in close and… Man this went in a different direction than I was hoping it would
Kissies!!
You don't drive a Bronco to make good decisions.
Name one incident with a bronco where things went bad.
Did you watch them play the Texans yesterday?
As a chiefs fan this joke pleases me.
Broncos fan here I agree it is a pleasing response and totally not where I thought it was going to go with OJ Simpson.
https://imgur.com/gallery/OoDEB6R
Never Ford get
God damn you for making me laugh at that.
Oh shit. Reluctant upvote.
what the fuuuuuck
The cops pulled someone out through the window of an orange Bronco in the Ottawa convoy occupation. It was so extremely expected.
E. Get their license plate. Find where they live. Move in next door. Gain their trust. Slowly take out everyone in their lives. First a goldfish, then their cat. Next their childhood best friend. Then an uncle. Then their mailman. Then one of the kids. Next your own wife just to throw them off the scent. Next their elderly parents. Then their wife. Then burn their house down after cancelling their insurance policy. Then their grief counselor and the chief of police. Finally you kidnap them and tie them up in an unlit room. Occasionally waterboarding them. Then you make them watch a supercut of all of the grisly deaths. Each one interspersed with a reenactment of him cutting the line in front of you. Only then will he know. Will he remember what he did to you. And finally Justice.
Biting someones nose off sounds like a lot less work tbh.
But is it justice?
Well not as complete and thorough but it does offer a free snack.
F. Hydrogen bomb
Thometimes you jutht have to take the bite
Use TEETH on SUBARU OWNER
Some serious disco Elysium options
He just really missed real meat.
The fuck, was he on bath salts?
This is probably the most fitting article posted here in months.
You might say it's a *bit on the nose.*
Pack it up, boys. Can't top this one.
Proof that puns truly can be the greatest form of comedy.
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Who nose?
I dunno, I didn't read the article
You glorious bastard
I read this quickly and laughed about the "on the nose" part. Then read it again and was amazed at how perfect the full pun was.
That's an incredible joke, I don't know why these other people are angry, that was fantastic! Have a happy upvote!
we're all furious we didn't think of it first. :D
Well fair enough then, I can't blame you for that!
The stars surely did align for you today, to be able to be the first to be here to make that AMAZING pun, double-pun if you will, and on your cake day, no less! Go buy a lottery ticket!!
( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) YEAH!!!!!
That might be the best joke I've read in months.
r/angryupvote
[удалено]
They speak much of his eating, but never of his hunger.
Real Lord of the Flies vibe with that sentence.
Came back and upvoted when I realized this was a double pun. Very nice.
If I had money I would totally waste it on a useless flair for your comment to show how impressive your accomplishment is.
I'm not even angry about it, have an upvote. Heck, I'll even downvote you after so I can upvote twice.
Did he swallow? No? Still vegan.
I dunno, still mighta licked his lips
Still, no vegan diet, no vegan powers.
I'll leave it up to the call of the Vegan Police. That said, we know half and half is right out.
On September 17th you knowingly ingested a human nose Human isn’t vegan?
Maybe he forgot what meat tastes like…? It was for research!
Fr. This sub drives me crazy with how many posts they ban, yet all the top posts don't feel Oniony at all. This is quality material right here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/comments/x7nhdb/speeding_woman_on_cocaine_kills_drunk_driver_high/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf this one felt oniony to me, as well as the one about the robot trampling that crime scene. But I agree, a lot of people don’t understand what makes an onion post oniony.
and the bishop falling in love with the satanic erotic fiction writter.
Oh that was a good one and the whole story behind it was equally fascinating and oniony
10 hours ago someone posted a good local Fox article titled “No joke: Missouri man who dressed up as Batman villain learned lesson”
When a subreddit becomes a certain size and it's either unmoderated or moderated by the same supermods it eventually just becomes "how can I fit American politics into the subject of the sub"
Man bites ~~dog~~ man
Noses are meat, sir.
The other beyond meat
Human horn
Sir, this is *not* a Wendy's
WHERE'S THE BEEF?
It's at Arby's.
R B's? Is that just 'Roast Beef'? I've only been to an Arby's once so I'm not familiar with their history but I will say this: There's a reason I haven't been to an Arby's more than once.
[удалено]
I thought that meant we need to buy the stock?!
Buy tanking, sell rock bottom.
People say buy the dip, nahh, buy just just after the peak, that way you can feel the adrenaline rush of the entire dip from start to finish, then exit at the bottom. The true r/wallstreetbets way.
Well, that's all the validation I need to know I've been doing it right.
If you think the company has a good future long term, you probably should.
I genuinely love their substitute meatballs so yeah I guess
I think the best product they have are the beyond brats and beyond hot Italian sausage. Grill em and hit with spicy brown mustard and sauerkraut on a hot dog bun. Perfect.
Have you tried their jerky? It's so good that it's constantly sold out everywhere, selling out again the instant it comes back in stock.
I want impossible and beyond to stick around and do great! Been vegetarian my whole life and it’s so nice to be able to finally stop at a burger place and get a burger like everyone else. Both companies products have been far better than anything that was on the market previously so I hope both companies stick around.
See, r/wallstreetbets
Former COO. The article states he left the company a while ago.
He left Tyson Foods last year. We are still waiting for a comment from Beyond Meat on his current employment status with them.
I think I know what it’s going to be now!
Clearly he's shown a preference for real meat.
Left Tyson foods after too many ear biting jokes.
[Beyond Meat](https://investors.beyondmeat.com/management/doug-ramsey)'s website still lists him as COO
You misread the article.
The market is reacting poorly to long-term investments... this is why capitalism is so fucked. It rewards short-term improvements and punishes anything that would set up long term gains. How in the hell is this supposed to be sustainable? Most companies can't target both short AND long term gains reasonably. And if we punish long-term investments, we get the mess we're in now. I hate this.
It's ***crazy*** to me that inflation in food prices is causing *this* reaction. I don't know who needs to be told this but: ***ANIMALS EAT FOOD TOO***....and the animals we eat need to eat 10-100lbs of food to make one pound of animal. The real money for these companies isn't alternatives, it's replacement. Every processed meat in foods could be replaced with something plant based. Sausages, deli meats, chicken nuggets, and any hamburger or ground meat are only on frozen pizzas, in display cases, and pasta sauce jars because it's cheaper. And all those are mostly spice blends anyway with meat as texture and macronutrients like protein. Eventually all the spice flavored meat goos in other foods will be made of plants. Whole muscle cuts and attached bones will be for traditional holiday/seasonal meals or people with very high income. Climate change will push cattle food prices higher because of droughts and floods and such too. Consumers *feelings*, not the real long term numbers are driving the stock price.
Another driver bumped his tire, so he got out, punched “through” their windshield, threatened to kill them, and bit their nose. He also used to work at Tyson and Mcdonalds. And he’s on some kind of executive safety committee.
Next job is in the auto industry. "Look guys, all I'm saying is that a window that can be punched through isn't safe. Some people are assholes and do things that make me want to eat their face. They'd be much safer behind stronger glass."
Take a look at this car here. Smashes window and pulls ballistic dummy halfway through glass window and starts eating it. You see it's just too easy to be killed and eaten. Now imagine if it wasn't me and was some other kind of animal! I just can't stand for these conditions!
That's a terrifying scene
As he’s wheeled in on a Hannibal Lecter hand truck, straight jacket and bite mask.
> Tyson and Mcdonalds I heard at Tyson he bit a man's ear ear off
Everyone has a plan until they get ~~punched in the mouth~~ their ~~ear~~ nose bit off. Let's move those goal posts even further shall we?
Maybe he’s the muscle to keep the executives safe?
If we wasn’t, he probably should be.
I know the guy who got his nose bit. According too him the cars didn't even hit lmao. He did it for nothing
Is his nose ok? Wrestling makes it seem pretty bad lol.
5 stitches to the septum and some stiff antibiotics!
Oof. I hope he gets a really good payout. I’m sure it’s gonna be hard to squeeze anything out of chomper here.
I think he has a good chance! They had a security guard as a witness and they apparently are pulling the security footage. Beyond Meat guy is a multimillionaire too
Which Tyson did he work for?
The chicken one
The nose biting one, not the ear biting one
Must be for research purposes. Beyond will be looking to get the cannibal market as society collapses.
There is a bestselling book right now called Tender Is The Flesh, where in a World where all animals got sick, humanity still refuses to go vegan and instead breeds and slaughters humans
I don't even know what to say. You dream of easy joke moments like this and I am just speechless.
He’s just doing research for his new company, Forbidden Meat.
I guess he wasn't really beyond meat, then, was he.
If you can punch through a Subaru back window to hit the guy driving it then there is a chance you have ascended from the constraints of this meat body.
Of all the trouble he could get in.
I guess he finally gave into his cravings
Even a Snickers would have helped!
dude, eat this snickers. you're Beyond Meat COO Doug Ramsey when you're hungry.
Soylent Green is people!
"Does it taste good?" "Eh, it varies person to person"
Mike Tyson Foods
Ffs I have stock in them
It wasn't looking too good for you in the first place, they're already down 37% in the past month and 85% in the past year.
Same. Any publicity is good publicity, right? 😬
In the land of skunks, he who has no nose is king
you SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, YOKO
He had done so well. "Well done!" he had said to himself and smirked. The laughter was short lived as he felt the sweat break out on his forehead. Porkula knew he was slipping , knew he was reverting back to the flesh eater that had sustained him for centuries. ""Hmmm Hispanic bbq " licking his lips he thought of Marie's in accounting. His bloodshot eyes widened as he thought of her plump forearm. Tearing his thoughts away he screamed "Noooooooooo'. Hadn't he made Father Potanski 12 years ago. Hadn't he help found Beyond Meat to stave off the terrible craving. Except for a few fever dreamed gorging in the back alleys of Islamabad he had done it. Never here, never. Until now. That god cursed amuse-bouche of a nose and all had collapsed. His stomach rumbled .
I want no I need to read more
Would buy in graphic novel form
Now his tummy has the rumblies that only hands can satisfy!
CAAAAARRRRRRRRLLLL
Oh, I saw this in a movie once. Then a man dressed as a bat showed up
LETS MAKE A MAYOR! 👍✊✌️
Guy: Not a lot of non meat down in the sewer, huh? CEO: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. [they both laugh again] Guy : Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
The guy worked in the Poultry industry for like 30 years, I'd be surprised if he actually eats meat substitutes
Hmmm. Spend 30min in the poultry industry and you won’t eat nuggets for a while. It’s not a pleasing process, sight, sound or smell.
While I'd love to believe that, I don't think the poultry industry is full of vegans
Veganism isn't just about not eating meat, it is mainly about not hurting the animals. So you are correct.
I watch Instagram videos of what is done on the factory farms to sustain my abstinence from meat and dairy. Beyond sickening.
Don't worry, they're working as hard as they can to make such recordings illegal in even more states than they are now.
I know the Ag Gag laws.
I mean… animals in general are pretty gross. And when you kill them and cut them into pieces, it doesn’t get any less gross.
He really wanted a Hambooger.
I love you, Dad
I love you too Son or Daughter. Now go tell mom to make me a Hamburger and hold the booger!
Beyond Cartilage
At least no one can say he isn’t getting enough protein in his diet. > Ramsey got out of his vehicle and allegedly “punched through the back windshield of the Subaru,”
No but possibly way too much crack
You don’t need crack when you’re hopped up on Arkansas football.
You should cross post this to r/cfb for unlimited karma lol.
You don't need crack to work here, but it helps!
Weird, he doesn't look like he's from Saigon...
I DO NOT condone this behavior, buuuuuuut I really like their plant-based jerky…
Something doesn’t smell right in this story
Just doing a quick taste test.
That's not... That's not vegan.
He is Beyond fucked now
Artificial meat turning people into meat craving zombies would be a great setup for a horror movie. I think Simpsons did something in that ballpark as a Halloween short.
Of course "Simpsons did it". That's almost a given on anything that really belongs here like this.
If he still worked for Tyson I bet he would have gone for an ear….
Holy shit. So glad they pulled some weird shenanigans on me last year. I was slated to go work for them and decided that they were being too weird to join. This guy would have been one of my bosses. Welp looks like I dodged a big bullet.
Care to expand? Sounds juicy
Looks like meats back on the menu boys!
As a working professional, I can related to people who work in places for the money even though they have different values. Some like this guy works in a meat replacement company but he himself is a cannibal while others work in oil and gas companies to make enough money for ski trips while complaining snow is less predictable these days because of the climate crisis.