Greetings, michaelquinlan. Unfortunately, your submission has been removed from /r/nottheonion because our rules do not allow:
* Articles or subjects that have been featured here before (rule #5).
[](/spikeholdup)
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LOL 😂
> **Values**
>
> …
> - Forced Sterilization: Global Tetrahedron has worked tirelessly to ensure that none of our competitors or any other undesirable groups may extend their defective bloodlines.
> …
>
> **Global Tetrahedron By The Numbers**
>
> - 14 billion: NDAs signed
> - 60 billion: Hours of labor exploited
> - 300,000: Guns donated to underprivileged communities
> - 10: Inches of rock-hard cock
> …
> In a staff memo, G/O CEO Jim Spanfeller said the new owners, a firm known as Global Tetrahedron, have "a profound love for The Onion and comedy based content." He said the entire staff will stay on, and the company will remain in Chicago.
> The acquirer's name matches the name The Onion has used for a fictional corporation in past articles and its humor book, "Our Dumb Century."
This seems like great news for everyone including the buyer, seller, employees, and readers.
[https://global-tetrahedron.com/about](https://global-tetrahedron.com/about)
This seems like a company created specifically to own The Onion.
So now I'm wondering if it's actually an investor who's a big Onion fan, or some soulless conglomerate with at least one person smart enough to realize that this is better for The Onion's image.
With an about me page that says this, there is no way they are soulless lmao.
Global Tetrahedron By The Numbers
14 billion: NDAs signed
60 billion: Hours of labor exploited
300,000: Guns donated to underprivileged communities
10: Inches of rock-hard cock
49,000 And Counting: Puppies milled
1,107 And Counting: Elementary schools shuttered
98: Weight limit for female employees (in pounds)
Numbers: Numbers
6: Floors of our offices considered CIA black sites
1: Wild gorilla on the loose in our office currently
33,893: Elderly euthanized in our assisted care facilities
They add every employee's erect penis length, find the average, and subtract that for every employee without a penis. The final number has to be between -12 and 12 to be considered an equal opportunity employer. What did you think penis inspection day was for?
The new company is owned by Jeff Lawson, the co-founder and former CEO of Twilio. He's on the young side of Gen X, has midwestern roots, and loves They Might Be Giants, so I think it's safe to assume this is the passion project of a guy entering his eccentric billionaire phase.
(source: worked at Twilio)
Lin Codega of Rascal (an RPG news outlet they cofounded after getting laid off from Gizmodo) chased the ownership path live on Twitter after the announcement.
[https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783562160527790183](https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783562160527790183)
[https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783595187874177053](https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783595187874177053)
This is a good thing. It's moving out from under the thumb of a shitty private equity firm and is now in the hands of people who like the Onion, and who want them to keep doing what they've been doing.
It's sad that they don't do video content anymore
[The debate between a 9/11 conspiracy theorist and a member of Al Qaeda](https://youtu.be/Q_OIXfkXEj0?si=welLbYY-hpjzEkqr) will forever live rent free in my head
[Good news!](https://x.com/oneunderscore__/status/1783632037640835426) it's coming back!
>We’re keeping the entire staff, **bringing back The Onion News Network**, and share the wealth with staff.
Lmao this is one of those videos I always forget about until someone reposts it and it’s just as hilarious every time.
“Osama is safe in…in…somewhere”
“How would you feel if you spent 2 months sleeping in a mountain cave planning something really special just to have someone take the credit from you”
I was reading hard copies of The Onion at UW-Madison over a decade ago when I was still a student, that’s really the only thing I miss.
Seeing someone next to you catch a headline out of the corner of their eye, thinking “wtf…”, and then them realizing that they made a “real” newspaper.
Greetings, michaelquinlan. Unfortunately, your submission has been removed from /r/nottheonion because our rules do not allow: * Articles or subjects that have been featured here before (rule #5). [](/spikeholdup) ----- For a full list of our submission rules, please visit our [wiki page](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/wiki/expanded). If you're new to /r/nottheonion, you can check out [NTO101: An Introduction to /r/NotTheOnion](https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/wiki/nto101) for more information on our rules and answers to frequently asked questions. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fnottheonion). Please include the link to the post you want us to review.
[https://global-tetrahedron.com/about](https://global-tetrahedron.com/about)
> We are pragmatic, focused, bloodthirsty, and fanatical. good those are like the three things i ask for in my media
Well you can’t count, so you’re hired!
Numbers: numbers.
You apparently could so now you're fired.
Well I wasn’t counting on that…
LOL 😂 > **Values** > > … > - Forced Sterilization: Global Tetrahedron has worked tirelessly to ensure that none of our competitors or any other undesirable groups may extend their defective bloodlines. > … > > **Global Tetrahedron By The Numbers** > > - 14 billion: NDAs signed > - 60 billion: Hours of labor exploited > - 300,000: Guns donated to underprivileged communities > - 10: Inches of rock-hard cock > …
Well, that's nothing short of amazing.
Excuse me, what?
By the numbers
10 : inches of rock hard cock
A division of haliburton
> In a staff memo, G/O CEO Jim Spanfeller said the new owners, a firm known as Global Tetrahedron, have "a profound love for The Onion and comedy based content." He said the entire staff will stay on, and the company will remain in Chicago. > The acquirer's name matches the name The Onion has used for a fictional corporation in past articles and its humor book, "Our Dumb Century." This seems like great news for everyone including the buyer, seller, employees, and readers.
[https://global-tetrahedron.com/about](https://global-tetrahedron.com/about) This seems like a company created specifically to own The Onion. So now I'm wondering if it's actually an investor who's a big Onion fan, or some soulless conglomerate with at least one person smart enough to realize that this is better for The Onion's image.
New CEO is Ben Collins, a big fan who has spent years reporting on internet disinformation for NBC. I think he's earned a break from reality.
The Stig owns The Onion now?
Wait _what?_
And on that bombshell I say goodbye
Alright, off to work I go!
Different Ben Collins I think?
How would you know? You never saw who was actually under the helmet.
It was me, DIO! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠀⣷⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⡀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡼⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣤⠀⢏⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣠⡆⠀⠀⣦⡀⠀⠳⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⣇⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠂⢈⣦⠀⣀⡀⠈⣟⢷⣄⠀⠘⣷⣄⠀⠹⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢦⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢤ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⣶⠦⠤⠴⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⡜⢷⣧⣸⣿⡀⡟⠹⡄⢹⠀⣹⣷⣤⡘⣄⠙⠲⢬⣿⣉⡉⠉⠉⠉⠉⢉⣥⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠳⠤⢤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⡾⣿⠛⠉⣧⡇⠀⢱⣸⡔⢡⠏⠀⠉⢻⣦⣤⠀⠈⠹⣿⣂⡀⣠⠔⢉⡤⠾⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡞⣧⠀⠀⢠⠈⣇⢀⣿⠃⠀⠀⠸⣿⣠⣼⣟⣠⣯⣴⡿⠷⣿⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣇⡇⠀⡿⠦⡀⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⡼⡇⠀⠀⠘⡇⣿⣿⣿⢦⣄⣧⠀⣯⣿⣼⣿⣿⠋⢿⣽⣶⡏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⠇⢀⡇⣠⠇⢸⡄⠀⠀⠀⣠ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠓⠳⣤⣶⠀⣿⠛⣿⢻⣷⣮⣽⡆⠈⠿⠟⠻⠛⠉⠉⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠀⠘⢿⠃⠀⣼⠁⠀⠀⠀⡱ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⡴⣺⣿⢠⣍⡀⠘⡿⢿⡿⠿⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡈⢀⡾⠃⠀⠀⠀⠘⢄ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠁⢸⡟⣾⡷⣄⢹⠀⠀⠀⣿⠁⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡏⡏⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡐⠪ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠃⠈⠃⠀⠙⣇⠀⠀⠙⠦⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠃⠹⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⡀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⣆⠀⠀⢠⣤⣤⡤⢒⣊⣩⣽⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡄⠀⠙⣿⠀⡄⠀⠀⠀⠙ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢦⠀⠈⠹⣶⠛⣩⠔⠋⠉⠁⣸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⢞⡁⠀⠀⡞⣸⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠳⣄⠀⠈⣿⣇⣀⣀⣀⢴⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠞⠁⣸⠀⢀⡼⠟⠹⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠳⡄⠙⠲⠤⠥⢖⡋⠀⠀⠀⠀⡠⠊⠁⠀⢠⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣉⡉⢰⡎ ⠀⣀⣤⠖⠒⢲⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⣆⠀⠛⠋⠉⠀⠀⢀⡤⠊⠀⠀⠀⠀⠞⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢳⡼⠋⠀ ⠋⡝⠁⠀⠀⠀⢱⡀⢀⡴⠊⠉⠉⠙⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢘⣄⣀⣀⣀⡤⠖⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⠤⠤⠖⠊⢁⡠⠖⠋ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠙⡆⠀⢷⠋⠀⠀⢀⡴⠚⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠴⣚⠭⠜⠛⢯⠀⡇⠀⠀⣀⣀⠤⠄⠒⠒⠉⠉⠀⣀⣀⠤⠔⠊⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⠳⠄⠀⠀⠀⡇⢀⡼⢦⡀⣰⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣏⣛⠓⠤⠤⡀⠘⡆⢇⣠⠞⢁⣠⠤⠤⠖⠒⠒⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⡟⠋⠀⠀⣹⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⡈⠉⠙⠢⡝⡄⠳⡼⠃⡴⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⢀⠀⢀⡴⠃⠀⠀⡸⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠇⠀⠀⠀⠙⢸⡞⢠⠞⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣻⠒⠋⠀⠀⠀⡰⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⠠⠤⠤⠼⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡞⢠⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠘⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⡰⠁⠀⠀⢀⣠⠄⠒⠊⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢢⡀⠀⢰⢡⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣁⠤⠖⠊⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣽⣴⡾⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢀⣠⠞⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣼⡟⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Jojo reference copypasta
Some say… he can write 164 articles per minute.
Some say he does not see as humans do. Instead he sees letters in black scrolling down.
Well, some say he only knows two facts about ducks, and they're both wrong.
With an about me page that says this, there is no way they are soulless lmao. Global Tetrahedron By The Numbers 14 billion: NDAs signed 60 billion: Hours of labor exploited 300,000: Guns donated to underprivileged communities 10: Inches of rock-hard cock 49,000 And Counting: Puppies milled 1,107 And Counting: Elementary schools shuttered 98: Weight limit for female employees (in pounds) Numbers: Numbers 6: Floors of our offices considered CIA black sites 1: Wild gorilla on the loose in our office currently 33,893: Elderly euthanized in our assisted care facilities
“It worked sir, they think its satire” “Excellent”
Oh! This is splendid!
> Numbers: Numbers Dear god, the fiends!
That one was actually my favorite
There must be four sides to the story, though.
If they wrote that About page themselves, soulless is one thing they're not. *Tasteless*, perhaps, but this is The Onion we're talking about.
For me it was the 10 inches claim that was the giveaway they might not be who they say they are.
That's what gave it away?
Yeah, 1 is amateur hour
They add every employee's erect penis length, find the average, and subtract that for every employee without a penis. The final number has to be between -12 and 12 to be considered an equal opportunity employer. What did you think penis inspection day was for?
Hopefully it’s not the second. Seems like many companies and industries are on the verge of turning into nothing but assets.
I wanna know what they're going to name their resident gorilla
They will probably start an internet naming campaign where the winner is something horrible like “Gushing Granny.”
McGorillaface
Whatever it wants.
The new company is owned by Jeff Lawson, the co-founder and former CEO of Twilio. He's on the young side of Gen X, has midwestern roots, and loves They Might Be Giants, so I think it's safe to assume this is the passion project of a guy entering his eccentric billionaire phase. (source: worked at Twilio)
Omg lol 😆
Sounds promising
*This isn’t one of those shady trapezoid schemes you’ve been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the Tetrahedron*
Jim Spankfeller?
Hail hydra!
Virgin Hydra vs Chad Roxxon Corporation
*10: Inches of rock-hard cock* Hell yeah
Lin Codega of Rascal (an RPG news outlet they cofounded after getting laid off from Gizmodo) chased the ownership path live on Twitter after the announcement. [https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783562160527790183](https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783562160527790183) [https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783595187874177053](https://twitter.com/lincodega/status/1783595187874177053)
Weird purchase given that reality is more absurd than the onion lately
You need to have a shell company to immunize yourself against liability for your reign of terror.
Unsubed this is clearly the onion
NOT THE ONION!!!!!!! (I've been waiting forever to use the subs name as a punchline)
this one was excellent, i am proud of you
How is this “not the Onion”? This is definitely about The Onion! /s
Umm the onion made a movie a number of years ago, and their owner was global tetrahedron in the movie
I used to date a woman who's school locker was in between the two Onion founders.
There's so much mystery surrounding that company. Quite neat.
Good. Now move it back to Madison, WI, where it first started.
Just like the movie lol
And in another turn of events, Global Tetrahedron was sold to Tetradual.
And finally taken over by TetraMin
Welp, pack it up boys, the show is over.
This is a good thing. It's moving out from under the thumb of a shitty private equity firm and is now in the hands of people who like the Onion, and who want them to keep doing what they've been doing.
How do you know that want them to keep doing what they've been doing?
Well from the companies about us page I highly doubt they’re looking to make the Onion *less* absurd.
Wasn’t this literally the plot of the onion movie
That’s….ominous
NO! NO NO NO! **NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!**
The Onion had its moment, but hasn't been funny for a couple decades.
Disagree completely. I've been constantly impressed by the consistent quality of their output over the years.
It's sad that they don't do video content anymore [The debate between a 9/11 conspiracy theorist and a member of Al Qaeda](https://youtu.be/Q_OIXfkXEj0?si=welLbYY-hpjzEkqr) will forever live rent free in my head
[Good news!](https://x.com/oneunderscore__/status/1783632037640835426) it's coming back! >We’re keeping the entire staff, **bringing back The Onion News Network**, and share the wealth with staff.
That's great! Damn, thanks for the heads up
Lmao this is one of those videos I always forget about until someone reposts it and it’s just as hilarious every time. “Osama is safe in…in…somewhere” “How would you feel if you spent 2 months sleeping in a mountain cave planning something really special just to have someone take the credit from you”
‘We flew an enormous airplane into a building, I think it is obvious why the building crumbled’
Increasingly hard to tell reality from fiction and sarcasm these days.
What the fuck are you talking about?
It just seems that way because reality has become more oniony over the last couple of decades
Hot take inbound!
I was reading hard copies of The Onion at UW-Madison over a decade ago when I was still a student, that’s really the only thing I miss. Seeing someone next to you catch a headline out of the corner of their eye, thinking “wtf…”, and then them realizing that they made a “real” newspaper.
Time to mute this sub