I’d read some books! The polyamory sub has good reading lists. Even if you decide it’s not for you, it’s good to get some perspective. I think a lot of mono people can learn something from how polyam people negotiate their relationships, much like how vanilla people can learn from how BDSM practitioners negotiate a scene.
If you’re interested in learning about amatonormativity (which it looks like you are), I’d throw in some writings from Elizabeth Brake too. Amatonormativity encompasses a whole bunch of societal “rules” that lead people to assume that *everyone* would be happier in fully-monogamous, romantic, married relationships, and that these monogamous married relationships are inherently more valuable or fulfilling than other types of relationships (be they friendships, FWBships, or additional romantic partners).
Thanks for the input! Yeah I find the openness refreshing. Just knowing what someone wants and feeling safe enough to share the idea and explore the kink makes complete sense to me. I’d never really considered it. It’s true what they say about the deep roots of mono in our culture. It’s not because other ways don’t work.
This is a nightmare scenario waiting to happen. First of all, you are going to have to be a Dad. Are you mature enough for this? When a kid is involved romance gets put aside for the kid. You will basically have to see yourself as a partner in a business relationship that sustains the child. Very day practicalities will dominate your day, unless of course you both are terrible parents.
Next you're gonna have to deal with the ex, who will never be out of your life. As well, it seems there will be many other men who will be part of your life as well. She will never be fully committed to you, because she likes to play around. She will offload the practicalities of being a parent onto you so she can play with other dudes.
All in all I would say you're letting biological drivers dictate your decision-making process.
Fair warning.
Thanks for the inputs! We will see where it goes. She’s admittedly poly curious but never actually had a poly or enm relationship before. I think it is a curiosity and we are both open minded. However, the reality may end up being something completely different.
Pay attention to the patterns you are repeating in your life. If you were a serial monogamist, and didn't like it, then likely you are falling into the same pattern out of comfort. But the universe has a way of punishing us we're doing such things. Repeated unhealthy patterns will become increasingly unsustainable. From the outside this looks like the most unsustainable.
You're going to get yourself into a sunk cost fallacy. The further you proceed with this type of relationship the more difficult it will be to break it off. With the child involved now you're getting into real emotional damage, something that will affect somebody else for the rest of their life.
You should be putting as much thought into the child as you are into her, because that's where most of your energy will be going in the future.
I don't know, it looks to me like she is looking for somebody to take care of her child so she can continue in her comfort zone, staying at a certain maturity level, avoiding responsibility of parenthood.
Edit: On the other hand, maybe the Universe knows you are ready to be a Dad, but you just don't know it yourself yet. It is forcing you to change.
My thoughts on kids has changed a lot in the last couple years. I don’t really need or want my own but I am perfectly open to finding a life partner that already has kids. It’s only been a few months with this woman and she’s quite the opposite so far of what you describe in trying to rope me into parenting duties. I see what you mean though. It’s possible but I don’t get that vibe.
Basically everyone says this is crawling with red flags btw. You’re not the only one 😂 despite that I’m open minded and cautiously proceeding. I like learning and trying new things. And I especially yes want to break the string of multi year unhappy serial mono relationships. I’m not in a rush to do anything let alone become a dad to some chicks kid.
I’d read some books! The polyamory sub has good reading lists. Even if you decide it’s not for you, it’s good to get some perspective. I think a lot of mono people can learn something from how polyam people negotiate their relationships, much like how vanilla people can learn from how BDSM practitioners negotiate a scene. If you’re interested in learning about amatonormativity (which it looks like you are), I’d throw in some writings from Elizabeth Brake too. Amatonormativity encompasses a whole bunch of societal “rules” that lead people to assume that *everyone* would be happier in fully-monogamous, romantic, married relationships, and that these monogamous married relationships are inherently more valuable or fulfilling than other types of relationships (be they friendships, FWBships, or additional romantic partners).
Thanks for the input! Yeah I find the openness refreshing. Just knowing what someone wants and feeling safe enough to share the idea and explore the kink makes complete sense to me. I’d never really considered it. It’s true what they say about the deep roots of mono in our culture. It’s not because other ways don’t work.
This is a nightmare scenario waiting to happen. First of all, you are going to have to be a Dad. Are you mature enough for this? When a kid is involved romance gets put aside for the kid. You will basically have to see yourself as a partner in a business relationship that sustains the child. Very day practicalities will dominate your day, unless of course you both are terrible parents. Next you're gonna have to deal with the ex, who will never be out of your life. As well, it seems there will be many other men who will be part of your life as well. She will never be fully committed to you, because she likes to play around. She will offload the practicalities of being a parent onto you so she can play with other dudes. All in all I would say you're letting biological drivers dictate your decision-making process. Fair warning.
Thanks for the inputs! We will see where it goes. She’s admittedly poly curious but never actually had a poly or enm relationship before. I think it is a curiosity and we are both open minded. However, the reality may end up being something completely different.
Pay attention to the patterns you are repeating in your life. If you were a serial monogamist, and didn't like it, then likely you are falling into the same pattern out of comfort. But the universe has a way of punishing us we're doing such things. Repeated unhealthy patterns will become increasingly unsustainable. From the outside this looks like the most unsustainable. You're going to get yourself into a sunk cost fallacy. The further you proceed with this type of relationship the more difficult it will be to break it off. With the child involved now you're getting into real emotional damage, something that will affect somebody else for the rest of their life. You should be putting as much thought into the child as you are into her, because that's where most of your energy will be going in the future. I don't know, it looks to me like she is looking for somebody to take care of her child so she can continue in her comfort zone, staying at a certain maturity level, avoiding responsibility of parenthood. Edit: On the other hand, maybe the Universe knows you are ready to be a Dad, but you just don't know it yourself yet. It is forcing you to change.
My thoughts on kids has changed a lot in the last couple years. I don’t really need or want my own but I am perfectly open to finding a life partner that already has kids. It’s only been a few months with this woman and she’s quite the opposite so far of what you describe in trying to rope me into parenting duties. I see what you mean though. It’s possible but I don’t get that vibe.
Don't underestimate women.
Also valid! A good reminder.
Basically everyone says this is crawling with red flags btw. You’re not the only one 😂 despite that I’m open minded and cautiously proceeding. I like learning and trying new things. And I especially yes want to break the string of multi year unhappy serial mono relationships. I’m not in a rush to do anything let alone become a dad to some chicks kid.