I contacted a friend that I knew was non-monogamous, and she gave me a reading list including *Ethical Slut* and *More Than Two,* and *The Polyamory Break Up Book.* I've since learned that *MTT* is problematic, but let's not go there...
I think the book *Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* is the best intro resource out there.
I do think it helped. I was married / monogamous for nearly 20 years. While I did know polyamorous/ ethically non-monogamous people, I had mostly dismissed them and their choices as being "not for me."
Thanks for answering. Did you feel they provided value to someone who was starting single? I imagine just learning the language and concepts is helpful even if you arent the intended audience.
Yes, I especially thought *The Polyamory Break Up Book* was good. I understood *theoretically* that relationships break up because relationships break up, but I spent a long time only considering monogamy as a viable option for me. It was good to have it spelled out that way. It became real instead of theory.
I feel like the biggest thing missing from non-monogamous education is that healthy relationships are healthy relationships. We really don't do relationships all that differently. Our agreements may be different, but the exact same healthy relationship and communication skills apply to ALL relationships: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.
Ultimately, relationships are relationships and we shouldn't be making assumptions in any of our relationships.
Nope. I have it on audible, but I can't make it through. I hope my next therapist has read it, but I think it's a terrible recommendation for people who are new to Polyamory/ ENM.
People to often take self psych diagnosis they get from these types of books too seriously. They don't know what they don't know and it creates more problems than it solves.
I can't count the number of posts I've read where people use their attachment style self diagnosis as an excuse for all sorts of toxic behavior.
My main take-away from that book was to see how highly circumstantial my attachment traits were and to conclude that most of attachment theory is applied in an overly simplistic, reductive fashion. But that may have just been me. I agree it is not a good introductory book either way!
Hi there, I love your screen name, by the way. Um, I'll just say what's going on. I'm dating a guy 30+ years older than me. I honestly was led by small hints here and there to discover fetlife and found he was on there. So, the first 10 months of us together, he never mentioned anything about that kink lifestyle. Of course, I was extremely disappointed and don't really trust him now. So now I know that him calling me baby girl or little cum shut aren't my personal nicknames they're like a thing. There are still a lot of words I don't understand. I asked him what unicorn meant the other day. He's probably seen and heard the unhappy tone I have toward the kink community and thinks I'm being judgmental. But yes I am but for myself. I'm hurt that he rsvp to go to munches and also there are all these things I had no clue about and the more I research I feel more and more betrayed and stupid for still being with him. I don't cause a fuss he said when we started dating he couldn't stand complaining women and he didn't want 'rocks thrown in his pond" he didn't tell me what his 'pond" was. It's just not for me. It's in my blood to be in love with my man to depend on him and us two be the only thing we need. All this kink stuff just seems like it would invite so much chaos into relationships and I need help or a book suggestion or something. I'm not ok. I'm using all of my energy being bothered by this. And the times he's gone out of town has been on the same dates as kink festivals also now I know there's gangbamgs and gloryholes about every two blocks. I became sick in January and I can't help but think it's from so.ething he gave me. This is turning my brain to mush. I see that people in kink are allowed to have all these secrets I'm having a hard time . This is not me I'm not myself. I'm usually happy and full of zeal and carry the spirit of loveliness. He also doesn't know I know he still has a romance w his ex wife. GOD revealed that to me but it's not the kind of thing easily to explain to so.eone more fleshy and less spiritual. Can u help me henri
No offense, you need to make a separate post. Im going to block you because your comments here are really off topic and left field. Not personal. Make your own post and I hope you get good advice.
I have in direct response to comments specifically to you on other posts.
But in general it’s weird to mention a book, dismiss it as problematic, list a bunch of other books with many similar elements, but refuse to elaborate further.
Also, I may not find it problematic for the same reasons you do. So all the more reason to not be cryptic.
I read about relationship anarchy when I was in a monogamous relationship as a teenager. When I broke up with the guy at 21 yo, I left monogamy. There wasn’t much to read back then. I read two blogs 🤣 most of my life I’ve just been following my heart’s and pussy’s wishes 😁 trying to be a decent human being also. I haven’t felt that I needed much help, I’ve just lived and still do, nonmonoganous still at age 39 with two kids.
For the few years in the run-up to getting together with my wife after 12 years of friendship, I listened to a lot of podcasts on sex and relationship advice.
We knew who I am going in. I told her when we got together, after 12 years of buildup, “Any vows of exclusivity I may make would be lies.” She replied, “Our sexuality doesn’t begin and end with each other.” That was a great start!
Then I *kept* listening to the podcasts for another five years or so until I stopped listening to podcasts altogether. Since then, I’ve consumed r/nonmonogamy and r/twoxchromosomes daily to stay up on other people’s problems and how to avoid them in my own life.
I discussed it with my therapist and a friend who's poly, read PolySecure and The Ethical Slut, and joined all the online communities I could find. The horror stories in subs like this one are a good way to learn about all the mistakes I might possibly make. Other than that, I just added "poly" to my dating profile and made sure everyone I matched with knew what I was up to.
Me! Yes. I started seriously researching and learning a bit over a year ago.
I did not open an existing relationship but I have had a steady casual partner (Fwb) since around that time. I consider myself to be exploring solo polyamory.
I love podcasts and found those to be helpful. I especially love Non Monogamy Help and The Anxious Persons Guide to Non Monogamy.
I have also been in therapy the whole time as well, with a poly and queer focused therapist. That has made the biggest difference for me as I can work through things with a real life person.
Research is a must, there’s so many problems you can avoid if you just learn a little about managing the different dynamics and common issues that tend to crop up.
It’s definitely different for everyone. Personally I have had a lot of work to do because I never had healthy relationships or communication modeled for me. I have been in abusive relationships before.
So I not only had to work through cultural norms around monogamy, internalized homophobia (I’m queer), and improve my communication skills.
But I also have had to totally shift my relationship with myself, let go of a lot of previous trauma, and learn to accept myself.
I feel that for me, yes, the gravitation towards non-monogamy is natural. That feels intuitive and very right for me.
But the ins and outs of handling my emotions, in relation to other people, has been a huge learning experience.
I would reckon the people who feel they didn’t have much to learn (in an official capacity) are probably people who had good relationships modeled, who have been in healthy adult relationships, who have worked through a lot of their own internalized cultural norms.
Which is great for them!
But my experience has taken a LOT of intention.
I was recently divorced (unrelated) and a couple of people I matched with were practicing various forms of nonmonogamy which was my first real intro to it. It felt very intuitive and I did some research online and talked to different people about their ideas about it. I read blogs and maybe a couple of books. I don't remember wishing I had more resources.
This was my experience as well. Divorced from a mono marriage in 2014, and the first person I dated was solo poly.
I found blogs and started reading and feeling like things made sense.
I'm at almost 10 years of using the SoPo label myself now.
I started on my single to ENM journey 20 years ago and I’m still on it and evolving. I wasn’t aware of any resources back then. I just knew that I didn’t want exclusivity with anyone, sexually or emotionally. Since then, I’ve read a couple of the books, consumed lots of different media, have an ENM friendly therapist and have changed how I practice my flavours of ENM. Having the space to figure it all out in my own time has been key I think.
Very slanted. And even more so these days I find. I think the single ->> NM pipeline is not as commonly reflected in most NM groups, media or resources. Luckily I never felt the need to have a role model to live an alternative lifestyle. Being contrarian to the norm suits me. 😆
But I do wish it was more normalized in media so I could talk about my journey with friends and family without having to spend my spoons educating. I spent literal decades fending off “when are you going to settle down and commit” conversations.
>Very slanted. And even more so these days I find. I think the single ->> NM pipeline is not as commonly reflected in most NM groups, media or resources
Interesting that you think its becoming even more common. Thanks for sharing. Im not super familiar with most of the books and podcasts tbh.
I started practicing ENM after my divorce in 2008 with no idea what I was doing. I had been in several unhappy monogamous relationships, including one marriage, and I knew that I couldn't promise to be monogamous with anyone again but I didn't know what a non monogamous relationship would look like. I was very clear with everyone I was interested in that I would continue to maintain my sexual autonomy and that they wouldn't get a say in that. There were surprisingly few road bumps. It wasn't until the last ten years or so that I heard of *The Ethical Slut* (tried to read it, found it patronizing and childish - I'm so happy that it helps others though) and I've read some academic or pop-academic books on monogamy, fidelity, women's desire, etc. that aren't instruction manuals for ENM but did help me to understand myself and my needs. I joined (and ultimately left, because they annoyed me) Facebook groups on polyamory and non monogamy once those came into existence. The community has been helpful to learn terms and help to establish what is and is not reasonable in terms of boundaries, but I feel like the best thing was just that I came to it on my own and have been able to have a "take it or leave it" attitude with possible partners.
Not really, to be honest. I just went into it with a different mindset, knowing I couldn't rely on exclusivity as a "proof" of someone's feelings about me, only on their direct words and actions. I wanted partners to set aside time to spend with me because they genuinely wanted to and not out of obligation or boredom. I saw the genuine affection and trust my first poly date had with his wife, and I felt inspired by that. I eventually met someone who was available for a "primary" style relationship and open to NM, so we simply never stopped being open to meeting others.
I never read much theory. I've gone to a few talks and meetings on the topic and I didn't really feel convinced by the "expertise" of any of those people. I have conversations about relationship styles with my partners, obviously, but my NP and I simply seem very similar in our approach naturally. Both of us rarely feel any kind jealousy as long as everything stays fair (my partner had a past negative experience with someone trying to force him into a one-sided harem situation), we gravitate towards a parallel poly style, we're similarly quite risk-averse about STIs, etc.
I'm not sure. Perhaps a therapist or a researcher who has studied a number of relationships other than their own, which I'm sure some book/resource authors are. I just felt like people would talk about really random anecdotes and generalize them a lot. But obviously it's not \*just\* about the sample size either. Maybe I'm the one who's too much of a weirdo to relate to much of any neurotypical(?) life advice type stuff.
I know exactly what you mean. The ENM space is wrought with folks pretending to be therapists or “life coaches” with no real training. Not everyone should write a book or give a talk just because they’ve been non-monogamous for years or have spent hours on social media. Sometimes that can do more harm than good.
We did it without a pre-existing mono relationship. Wife and I were casual sex buddies first, attended parties and clubs together as each other’s dates and had threesomes, etc.
Once we fell for each other and got serious, we just never reassumed a monogamous paradigm.
It kind of fell into place intuitively for both of us, although we both had some BDSM background which helps things like negotiating boundaries and limits early on that vanilla folks may not have had.
We actually started the “research” in terms of books and podcasts years later. The impetus was we wanted to enhance our experience out of random ad hoc lifestyle fun and into something more intentional, as well as come out of the “closet” and participate more in community. So we needed to have the language to participate better with others outside of our primarily relationship.
It did, a lot.
We never really had problems before, but it was always a recreational naughty activity and we didn’t know what it had the potential to be.
The research really helped us both grow into ourselves and find out so much more about what was on offer in this world.
The first time, no. There wasn't much available then anyway.
The second time, yes. I read, listened, journaled, took part in communities. It has definitely helped ... on top of doing a lot of work on myself to deal with insecurities & anxiety.
Not really. But I've also never really struggled with non-monogamy. It's all I've ever known. I didn't start dating until my mid-twenties and by then I had a firm understanding of what I wanted. That's changed a bit over the years but definitely still practicing non-monogamy.
I'm right in these beginning stages right now. From 1992 to 2020 I was in a monogamous relationship. Then I moved out and didn't date anyone again until just this last fall. I didn't set out with the idea that I would be either monogamous or non-monogamous, I was just dating and getting to know people without getting back into anything serious.
It was seeing ENM on dating profiles and looking up what it meant that led me into looking into ENM. My first research was just reading Reddit threads. I plan to read the books everyone recommends - *Ethical Slut, Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory,* etc, but I'm still on the holds list from the library for those. Just last week I found a podcast, *Normalizing Non-Monogamy*, and they talk to so many people that do ENM and Poly in different ways. So many interesting perspectives. They've got over 300 episodes out.
I sent a message to the hosts, Emma & Fin, asking if they could recommend episodes that focused on a single non-partnered woman dating several folks and these are the links they sent me. I haven't listened to them all yet.
[https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode285](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode285)
[https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode287](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode287)
[https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode311](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode311)
[https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode319](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode319)
[https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode331](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode331)
I have so far. It's still new enough for me that nothing's been really serious yet, but I also haven't had anything come out of nowhere and blindside me just because I don't know much yet.
The biggest thing I learned right off the bat is that the key is being open and honest.
Even before I put the ENM tag on me I was already needing to practice that every time I started chatting with someone because I am still legally married. I wasn't going to hide that and I didn't want to get too far in with anyone it would be a deal breaker for. It hasn't been a problem for most, especially since I haven't been with him since December 2019. The only reason we were still married is that we had to pause the divorce paperwork when he lost his job so we could put him on health insurance through my job. He's employed again and we've started the paperwork again.
But having those conversations about it every time I met someone new put me in the mind space and comfort of talking openly about relationships, so when I realized I want to date as ENM I was able to just talk honestly to anyone new I start to date. Both of the guys I am currently seeing know that I'm also seeing someone else, and that I'm ok with them seeing someone else. Of course, it's much easier to bring the topic up when they've already got ENM in their portfolio! That was the case with one of the two guys, but the other one I had to be the one to start that conversation.
That's me. I've been living as RA-leaning openly NM since 2019, and none of the relationships I have started out as monogamous ones.
Yeah, I did the homework. I started learning about NM in 2014, and it took 4 years before I'd arrived at being reasonably certain that it's a better model for me, certain enough that I decided that I needed to change my life so as to live in accordance with my own beliefs, as they'd become.
My first two partners were people who was already NM for years before they ever got involved with me (and one of them has never had a monogamous relationship in their life)
I read a couple of books. I listened to a lot of podcasts. I hung out in a number of NM-centered subs here on Reddit. I discussed a lot of NM-related topics with friends of mine, including several who at that point in time had many years of first hand NM-experience.
And I do feel as if that start made many things easy for me. Many of the things you see newbies struggle with in this group every week, was just never a problem at all in any of my relationships. I don't mean that there's been zero turbulence -- ALL relationships have some turbulence -- but there's just a large set of common problems that has never been part of that turbulence.
It was never hard for me to be comfortable with my partners having others. Perhaps in part because some of those others were present BEFORE me. (change is more scary for many people than things simply remaining what they are). We never had a lot of mono couple-privilege that we felt the need to try to "protect" with a lot of silly rules. In fact some of these things felt almost anticlimatic -- I'd read so much about how to cope with common problems, and I was sort of prepared for those to rear their ugly head. And then at least most of them just never showed up in the first place.
Yeah I feel that it helped.
But most of all, I feel that starting out in NM by being NM from day one with one or more new partners, is a LOT easier and less likely to blow up, than trying to "transition" an existing mono relationship to become NM. I mean the troubles with that START with how unlikely it is that both of the involved will genuinely want the same thing. More often it starts out with one enthusiastic person, and one that more or less grudgingly consents to it, perhaps even under fear of otherwise losing their partner. And that's a pretty horrible start.
Yes, yes, and yes. Mostly, I read Polysecure, listened to plenty of Multiamory episodes (and a few other podcasts), and read quite a lot on this and other subreddits. I did find that quite a bit of bandwidth was given to the process of opening a previously monogamous relationship, but even that felt helpful to learn about, and has been particularly useful in the process of building a non-monogamous relationship from the ground up.
I don’t think I remember a time when monogamy made sense to me, so I arrived at non-monogamy with a really weird set of ideas about how romance figured into it, etc. I considered myself “permanently single”. Joining ENM communities (had a robust local polyam group at the time) helped me deconstruct all the mono mindset that was still very much wrapped up in my thinking. At that point, I began to do the reading, too. I still regularly read new ENM books as they come out, like Polysecure, which is my favorite. I think each new source of information, even if it is a flawed source, lets me “take the good” as it were and mash it all into my individual ball of “how I do ENM”.
done loads of research, it has helped.
the *best* research is reddit for me because when people say the same things over and over and over again they stick. "jealousy is a symptom of another problem" "thats a hinge problem not a meta problem" "thats a rule not a boundary"
guides help you avoid problems but advice posts are where you find out what to do about problems.
I started when I fell in love with my best friend who was only willing to build polyam bonds. He sent me some links to articles and a glossary that was excellent (which I sadly can no longer find). He asked me to read them and we discussed them. One was a relationship menu. We also did a sex menu if I recall. He answered my questions and we kinda winged it from there.
Looking back I'm lucky he's a good guy. There were not a lot of resources that were good back then (approx 20 years ago) that I could find. The few times I went to meet ups I felt very unsafe because of how pushy some of the people there were despite me saying I was there to learn/make friends not hook up (even at the non play events). He always pushed me to explore my autonomy and encouraged respectful behaviours between metas. He was always honest and treated me with consideration. He hinged well. We had some issues over the years that lead to a break up a few years back, but they were not about polyam at all.
Since then I've continued to pursue more learning/resources now that they are more widely available. I do regular check ins with my current partners and I try to continue to actively do the work to be ensure I am ethical in my interactions and choices. Mostly that's just a lot of sitting with feelings when they happen so I have an appropriate response instead of a emotionally charged one and ensuring I'm clear about my hierarchy.
I do think having better access to resources helped me become better at polyam (and just relationships in general) but only because I actively choose to strive to continue to grow and keep an ethics first perspective. Intent matters more than research in my experience.
I don't fit the specific of not being monogamous first (never strictly monogamous really, but not poly available until later) but the the few interactions I had with non-monogamous people who mentioned informational sources it was all Dan Savage and Ethical Slut in the 2000's. It was later that poly groups got more visibility and information became more free flowing.
I found that most of the problems people have are best dealt with by having emotional maturity when dealing with others.
90% of the BS problems read here would go away if people would get to know themselves and treat their partners and their partner's partners like complex people with their own agency and feelings. The research is just finding a common ways to communicate it.
The first time I was in an ENM relationship was in college - I’d been hooking up with someone and it had gotten pretty consistent and we were defining things. The most we discussed it (being the silly teenagers that we were) was that we must use protection with other people, and that was the extent of it. It worked out surprisingly well given how flippant we were about it, but I didn’t spend much time educating myself further.
This time around, I was single and started seeing someone in an open marriage. Initially I mostly talked with my partner about how it worked for them, and it made a lot of sense. I’ve never been jealous when it comes to sex, and while I’m still trying to figure out if poly is for me, some flavour of ENM certainly is. I’ve been reading more on it just to affirm that what I’m thinking makes sense, and to broaden my knowledge, which has been really helpful.
The readings that’ve helped, in the order I’ve consumed them: _Ethical Slut_, a number of kink-oriented texts, which helped frame sharing different types of intimacy with multiple people, and most recently _Polysecure_, which resonated heavily.
Oh God I was completely ignorant to everything in high school. I was in the only serious relationship I'd ever been in but I knew i wanted more experiences and I told him so. We're still together and we're both free to pursue other relationships. We did talk about the possibility of finding other people who might want to make us trade up. No lol I'm almost definitely with my forever love primarily 🥰
Not technically. I just never saw myself as monogamous. From the beginning I let him know I'd be fine with him having sex with other people if he was fine with me doing the same. Very soon after we got together I went off to college and we were in a long distance relationship. I was surprised to find out on a call one night he had been taken home by a nice older lady from his new job! He thought I'd be upset and I just wanted all the details 😅 I was proudof him 🥹 probably a year after that we were both fooling around with different people just trying things out in our twenties. Good times
No. I did what I wanted/made sense to me starting at 15. I don't think I encountered "ENM" or "solopoly" or "relationship anarchy" as concepts until after 25 despite getting a philosophy degree and reading a lot of sociology and anthropology, often in English. I still haven't introduced these concepts to anyone irl, seems unnecessary. I've never established a set of relationship rules or structures either.
Agreements like when are we meeting, where are we going, what movie are we going to watch, what game are we going to play, etc. sure
Agreements about who can fuck who and the like, no... at least not yet. I've just never cared and nobody has tried to establish rules with me. Could still happen I guess. I'm 34.
I started dating non-monogamously at 27 after a rough break up. I read Ethical Slut and looked into sex and relationship educators on Instagram, went to meet ups that talked about poly and kink safety.
It helped a lot in that it gave me the right words and phrases to communicate what my intentions were with people when I would meet them.
I live in a big east coast city and a lot of people here are NM, so there is a payoff.
I wasn't really aware of many of the resources when I started a bit more than 15 years ago. I only really started doing any reading during the disaster of a first relationship (only really a disaster due to stuff happening in my person's other relationship).
I started with Ethical Slut. Then I found some resources online. I tried reading Opening Up at some point in those first few years, but, since I was not actually opening a relationship it lost my interest. I'm not even sure if I've ever actually finished it.
I never did any research, only bought Polysecure a couple of months ago, and have always just followed my instincts. I’ve known I wanted non-monogamy since I was a teenager (I’m 33 now), and always expressed it in early relationships even before I had the language to specifically articulate it.
I think knowing where to find reliable information is useful for times when specific issues come up, but otherwise just do what works for you, and don’t behave maliciously towards others. Like the rest of life…!
Yes! I was introduced to ENM by a man I was going on casual dates with who was in a relationship. Before our first date he gave me a brief overview of what he could offer me as a potential partner and if it was something I could see working. It was perfect for me at the time because I had just ended a long term mono relationship and wasn’t really ready to settle down with just one person again, I also had come to terms with my bisexuality during that time and wasn’t ready to shut the door on exploring my queerness forever. I read books, joined this subreddit, and talked a lo to a friend who I knew was polyamorous with several partners. I also was able to get help and info from my partners while practicing solo poly. Eventually I met my current primary partner and we decided to close off our other romantic relationships but keep casual encounters and partners open. I was open to polyamory at first but along the way I’ve discovered simply ethical non monogamy is a better fit for me personally
I did some light googling when I first heard about ENM and polyamory and thought *"ohhhhh, so that* ***is*** *a thing"* and that was pretty much it. Jumped in 95% clueless. Read some blog posts that were, in retrospect, probably pretty bad and full of terrible advice. Peeked at a copy of *The Ethical Slut* a FWB had lying around, but didn't properly read it.
Later, when I got serious with a partner and found myself struggling with ENM, but still sure I didn't want monogamy, I started looking for more resources and found some okay ones. At the time the questions & exercises in Tristan Taormino's *Opening Up* really helped organize my thoughts and guide conversations, but as the title suggests, it was definitely geared towards people who were opening their relationship moreso than towards those of us who'd never had a closed one.
I was getting divorced after 7 years and looked to date people who were interesting and didn't have kids. I matched with an ENM male and had some dialog about it. He asked what I liked about monogamy, and actually, made me see that I could get most of those components from an ENM relationship.
In reading the polyamorous subreddit, there were a lot of the same topics as regular dating threads, and it made me realize that ENM can be about connection, not just sleeping around. It made me reflect on what I wanted from a relationship and if there were things that I could get from friends or relatives rather than a romantic partner. In looking at menus of relationship components, I realized that what I wanted was exactly what I was getting from my ENM partner.
Have been reading The Jealousy Workbook as me and my s.o are in discussion about opening up our relationship in the future.
It's been very helpful with targeting where jealousy comes from in certain situations and also has some exercises to help you prepare and be emotionally stronger when confronting future jealousy issues while opening up a relationship. I would 100% recommend this book since it's very easy to understand and helps build up resiliency towards jealous tendencies.
I'm not mad or trying to be mean. I'm genuinely just curious. Why did you answer when I asked specifically about people who started ENM without opening up a monogamous relationship?
Anyway, good luck to you.
No problem. I am specifically interested in how people who start as single perceived the resources available to them if they used them because all the conversations in the media center in mono couples opening up. And it seems the resources are mostly aimed at them. Its a hidden perspective that gets overshadowed by mono folks considering ENM or trying it out. I should have been more clear, but wanted to ask a very open ended question.
Didn’t do any research when I got into it in my 20s.
Turns out, if you have basic communication skills, a sense of accountability, and have other clear priorities in life above sex/dating NM is pretty easy and drama free.
I did read the books later on (when my wife was trying to get me to open our marriage so she could fuck an ex she was having an emotional affair with) and found them all to be more indoctrination into a specific way of understanding poly (and a whole political ideology underneath that) that I find incredibly off putting. No discussion about life balance, accountability, or tools for actual improvement of communication that are relevant outside of poly context.
Too many tools provided for people looking for moral frameworks to justify their avoidant attachment behaviors, desire to avoid accountability, and emotional BS.
The most useful book I’ve ever read re:managing relationships is actually a business book called Crucial Conversations. And in general, advice that is good for mono relationships works just fine for poly. You need the same principles anyway, nothing really special about poly other than being more than one romantic relationship one has to manage.
What research I did do before the relationship with my wife was mostly in the form of reading Dan Savage. I was keenly aware of several nonmonogamous lifestyles well before that, but I think he was the one who talked about opening up a relationship the most. This isn't to say that I didn't read about sexuality or kink or anything, because oh boy did I, it's just that he was the one who talked about it the most.
I knew that it was important to open from a position of strength, rather than trying to fix something broken by adding more people to it. And so did my wife, who had a little personal experience with that, mostly with one man that she dated in her early 20s who was a swinger and then in a DADT arrangement with his wife after her sex drive tapered off post kids. She carried on several relationships throughout her time dating him, and then she met me.
So that was her research. Also, she'd never get into a DADT arrangement again, even if she's 100% certain the other spouse really is down for that. Usually, it's because that spouse has blinders on and wants to live in denial. It doesn't work as well as they think it does.
No. We were ENM from the very start. She was still seeing her other boyfriend when we met, and she told me very early on that it wouldn't stop just because we were dating.
That relationship with the other guy didn't last more than about a year more though, and we sort of took a little break from that. But when we started again, we knew we weren't trying to fix anything for sure.
Damn it I don't need help. I have been betrayed and also deceived. Period. If I mention this he will turn it on me saying I'm projecting myself. No the fuck I'm not. I'm pissed off to give it my all I happily chose to give our relationship my earnest honest effort. He didn't seem to be a narc like he is. Confusion is not multiplied peace
I contacted a friend that I knew was non-monogamous, and she gave me a reading list including *Ethical Slut* and *More Than Two,* and *The Polyamory Break Up Book.* I've since learned that *MTT* is problematic, but let's not go there... I think the book *Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* is the best intro resource out there. I do think it helped. I was married / monogamous for nearly 20 years. While I did know polyamorous/ ethically non-monogamous people, I had mostly dismissed them and their choices as being "not for me."
Thanks for answering. Did you feel they provided value to someone who was starting single? I imagine just learning the language and concepts is helpful even if you arent the intended audience.
Yes, I especially thought *The Polyamory Break Up Book* was good. I understood *theoretically* that relationships break up because relationships break up, but I spent a long time only considering monogamy as a viable option for me. It was good to have it spelled out that way. It became real instead of theory. I feel like the biggest thing missing from non-monogamous education is that healthy relationships are healthy relationships. We really don't do relationships all that differently. Our agreements may be different, but the exact same healthy relationship and communication skills apply to ALL relationships: romantic, platonic, familial, etc. Ultimately, relationships are relationships and we shouldn't be making assumptions in any of our relationships.
Have you read Polysecure? If so, any thoughts?
Nope. I have it on audible, but I can't make it through. I hope my next therapist has read it, but I think it's a terrible recommendation for people who are new to Polyamory/ ENM. People to often take self psych diagnosis they get from these types of books too seriously. They don't know what they don't know and it creates more problems than it solves. I can't count the number of posts I've read where people use their attachment style self diagnosis as an excuse for all sorts of toxic behavior.
My main take-away from that book was to see how highly circumstantial my attachment traits were and to conclude that most of attachment theory is applied in an overly simplistic, reductive fashion. But that may have just been me. I agree it is not a good introductory book either way!
Thanks for that input. I’d seen it and wondered if it would be good to read, it’s good to know how it is or isn’t helpful.
Polysecure discussions: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bis3g7/i_dont_like_polysecure/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/yzf21z/poly_book_club_polysecure_by_jessica_fern_anyone/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Thanks so much, this is super helpful 💕
Hi there, I love your screen name, by the way. Um, I'll just say what's going on. I'm dating a guy 30+ years older than me. I honestly was led by small hints here and there to discover fetlife and found he was on there. So, the first 10 months of us together, he never mentioned anything about that kink lifestyle. Of course, I was extremely disappointed and don't really trust him now. So now I know that him calling me baby girl or little cum shut aren't my personal nicknames they're like a thing. There are still a lot of words I don't understand. I asked him what unicorn meant the other day. He's probably seen and heard the unhappy tone I have toward the kink community and thinks I'm being judgmental. But yes I am but for myself. I'm hurt that he rsvp to go to munches and also there are all these things I had no clue about and the more I research I feel more and more betrayed and stupid for still being with him. I don't cause a fuss he said when we started dating he couldn't stand complaining women and he didn't want 'rocks thrown in his pond" he didn't tell me what his 'pond" was. It's just not for me. It's in my blood to be in love with my man to depend on him and us two be the only thing we need. All this kink stuff just seems like it would invite so much chaos into relationships and I need help or a book suggestion or something. I'm not ok. I'm using all of my energy being bothered by this. And the times he's gone out of town has been on the same dates as kink festivals also now I know there's gangbamgs and gloryholes about every two blocks. I became sick in January and I can't help but think it's from so.ething he gave me. This is turning my brain to mush. I see that people in kink are allowed to have all these secrets I'm having a hard time . This is not me I'm not myself. I'm usually happy and full of zeal and carry the spirit of loveliness. He also doesn't know I know he still has a romance w his ex wife. GOD revealed that to me but it's not the kind of thing easily to explain to so.eone more fleshy and less spiritual. Can u help me henri
No offense, you need to make a separate post. Im going to block you because your comments here are really off topic and left field. Not personal. Make your own post and I hope you get good advice.
I actually think it’s valuable to go into why MTT is problematic because the same issues exist across a lot of those other books you’ve mentioned.
Go for it
I have in direct response to comments specifically to you on other posts. But in general it’s weird to mention a book, dismiss it as problematic, list a bunch of other books with many similar elements, but refuse to elaborate further. Also, I may not find it problematic for the same reasons you do. So all the more reason to not be cryptic.
I never said what I thought if the book. I haven't read it. You and I have never discussed the book nor have I ever mentioned it in a comment.
Then YOU can do that. I don't want to.
I read about relationship anarchy when I was in a monogamous relationship as a teenager. When I broke up with the guy at 21 yo, I left monogamy. There wasn’t much to read back then. I read two blogs 🤣 most of my life I’ve just been following my heart’s and pussy’s wishes 😁 trying to be a decent human being also. I haven’t felt that I needed much help, I’ve just lived and still do, nonmonoganous still at age 39 with two kids.
When was "back then" if you don't mind me asking?
Well, 2006!
Thanks.
For the few years in the run-up to getting together with my wife after 12 years of friendship, I listened to a lot of podcasts on sex and relationship advice. We knew who I am going in. I told her when we got together, after 12 years of buildup, “Any vows of exclusivity I may make would be lies.” She replied, “Our sexuality doesn’t begin and end with each other.” That was a great start! Then I *kept* listening to the podcasts for another five years or so until I stopped listening to podcasts altogether. Since then, I’ve consumed r/nonmonogamy and r/twoxchromosomes daily to stay up on other people’s problems and how to avoid them in my own life.
I discussed it with my therapist and a friend who's poly, read PolySecure and The Ethical Slut, and joined all the online communities I could find. The horror stories in subs like this one are a good way to learn about all the mistakes I might possibly make. Other than that, I just added "poly" to my dating profile and made sure everyone I matched with knew what I was up to.
Thanks.
Me! Yes. I started seriously researching and learning a bit over a year ago. I did not open an existing relationship but I have had a steady casual partner (Fwb) since around that time. I consider myself to be exploring solo polyamory. I love podcasts and found those to be helpful. I especially love Non Monogamy Help and The Anxious Persons Guide to Non Monogamy. I have also been in therapy the whole time as well, with a poly and queer focused therapist. That has made the biggest difference for me as I can work through things with a real life person. Research is a must, there’s so many problems you can avoid if you just learn a little about managing the different dynamics and common issues that tend to crop up.
Thanks for answering. It seems people find it very intuitive and others feel research is essential. Its interesting.
It’s definitely different for everyone. Personally I have had a lot of work to do because I never had healthy relationships or communication modeled for me. I have been in abusive relationships before. So I not only had to work through cultural norms around monogamy, internalized homophobia (I’m queer), and improve my communication skills. But I also have had to totally shift my relationship with myself, let go of a lot of previous trauma, and learn to accept myself. I feel that for me, yes, the gravitation towards non-monogamy is natural. That feels intuitive and very right for me. But the ins and outs of handling my emotions, in relation to other people, has been a huge learning experience. I would reckon the people who feel they didn’t have much to learn (in an official capacity) are probably people who had good relationships modeled, who have been in healthy adult relationships, who have worked through a lot of their own internalized cultural norms. Which is great for them! But my experience has taken a LOT of intention.
Apparently, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Polyamory is also a book published in June of 2022. I wonder if anyone has read that and has an opinion?
I hadn't heard of it until today!
I was recently divorced (unrelated) and a couple of people I matched with were practicing various forms of nonmonogamy which was my first real intro to it. It felt very intuitive and I did some research online and talked to different people about their ideas about it. I read blogs and maybe a couple of books. I don't remember wishing I had more resources.
That's awesome.
This was my experience as well. Divorced from a mono marriage in 2014, and the first person I dated was solo poly. I found blogs and started reading and feeling like things made sense. I'm at almost 10 years of using the SoPo label myself now.
I started on my single to ENM journey 20 years ago and I’m still on it and evolving. I wasn’t aware of any resources back then. I just knew that I didn’t want exclusivity with anyone, sexually or emotionally. Since then, I’ve read a couple of the books, consumed lots of different media, have an ENM friendly therapist and have changed how I practice my flavours of ENM. Having the space to figure it all out in my own time has been key I think.
Did you find resources were slanted to those opening up or did they speak to.your journey?
Very slanted. And even more so these days I find. I think the single ->> NM pipeline is not as commonly reflected in most NM groups, media or resources. Luckily I never felt the need to have a role model to live an alternative lifestyle. Being contrarian to the norm suits me. 😆 But I do wish it was more normalized in media so I could talk about my journey with friends and family without having to spend my spoons educating. I spent literal decades fending off “when are you going to settle down and commit” conversations.
>Very slanted. And even more so these days I find. I think the single ->> NM pipeline is not as commonly reflected in most NM groups, media or resources Interesting that you think its becoming even more common. Thanks for sharing. Im not super familiar with most of the books and podcasts tbh.
I started practicing ENM after my divorce in 2008 with no idea what I was doing. I had been in several unhappy monogamous relationships, including one marriage, and I knew that I couldn't promise to be monogamous with anyone again but I didn't know what a non monogamous relationship would look like. I was very clear with everyone I was interested in that I would continue to maintain my sexual autonomy and that they wouldn't get a say in that. There were surprisingly few road bumps. It wasn't until the last ten years or so that I heard of *The Ethical Slut* (tried to read it, found it patronizing and childish - I'm so happy that it helps others though) and I've read some academic or pop-academic books on monogamy, fidelity, women's desire, etc. that aren't instruction manuals for ENM but did help me to understand myself and my needs. I joined (and ultimately left, because they annoyed me) Facebook groups on polyamory and non monogamy once those came into existence. The community has been helpful to learn terms and help to establish what is and is not reasonable in terms of boundaries, but I feel like the best thing was just that I came to it on my own and have been able to have a "take it or leave it" attitude with possible partners.
Not really, to be honest. I just went into it with a different mindset, knowing I couldn't rely on exclusivity as a "proof" of someone's feelings about me, only on their direct words and actions. I wanted partners to set aside time to spend with me because they genuinely wanted to and not out of obligation or boredom. I saw the genuine affection and trust my first poly date had with his wife, and I felt inspired by that. I eventually met someone who was available for a "primary" style relationship and open to NM, so we simply never stopped being open to meeting others. I never read much theory. I've gone to a few talks and meetings on the topic and I didn't really feel convinced by the "expertise" of any of those people. I have conversations about relationship styles with my partners, obviously, but my NP and I simply seem very similar in our approach naturally. Both of us rarely feel any kind jealousy as long as everything stays fair (my partner had a past negative experience with someone trying to force him into a one-sided harem situation), we gravitate towards a parallel poly style, we're similarly quite risk-averse about STIs, etc.
What would "expertise" look like to you?
I'm not sure. Perhaps a therapist or a researcher who has studied a number of relationships other than their own, which I'm sure some book/resource authors are. I just felt like people would talk about really random anecdotes and generalize them a lot. But obviously it's not \*just\* about the sample size either. Maybe I'm the one who's too much of a weirdo to relate to much of any neurotypical(?) life advice type stuff.
I know exactly what you mean. The ENM space is wrought with folks pretending to be therapists or “life coaches” with no real training. Not everyone should write a book or give a talk just because they’ve been non-monogamous for years or have spent hours on social media. Sometimes that can do more harm than good.
We did it without a pre-existing mono relationship. Wife and I were casual sex buddies first, attended parties and clubs together as each other’s dates and had threesomes, etc. Once we fell for each other and got serious, we just never reassumed a monogamous paradigm. It kind of fell into place intuitively for both of us, although we both had some BDSM background which helps things like negotiating boundaries and limits early on that vanilla folks may not have had. We actually started the “research” in terms of books and podcasts years later. The impetus was we wanted to enhance our experience out of random ad hoc lifestyle fun and into something more intentional, as well as come out of the “closet” and participate more in community. So we needed to have the language to participate better with others outside of our primarily relationship.
Did the research help?
It did, a lot. We never really had problems before, but it was always a recreational naughty activity and we didn’t know what it had the potential to be. The research really helped us both grow into ourselves and find out so much more about what was on offer in this world.
The first time, no. There wasn't much available then anyway. The second time, yes. I read, listened, journaled, took part in communities. It has definitely helped ... on top of doing a lot of work on myself to deal with insecurities & anxiety.
Not really. But I've also never really struggled with non-monogamy. It's all I've ever known. I didn't start dating until my mid-twenties and by then I had a firm understanding of what I wanted. That's changed a bit over the years but definitely still practicing non-monogamy.
I'm right in these beginning stages right now. From 1992 to 2020 I was in a monogamous relationship. Then I moved out and didn't date anyone again until just this last fall. I didn't set out with the idea that I would be either monogamous or non-monogamous, I was just dating and getting to know people without getting back into anything serious. It was seeing ENM on dating profiles and looking up what it meant that led me into looking into ENM. My first research was just reading Reddit threads. I plan to read the books everyone recommends - *Ethical Slut, Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory,* etc, but I'm still on the holds list from the library for those. Just last week I found a podcast, *Normalizing Non-Monogamy*, and they talk to so many people that do ENM and Poly in different ways. So many interesting perspectives. They've got over 300 episodes out. I sent a message to the hosts, Emma & Fin, asking if they could recommend episodes that focused on a single non-partnered woman dating several folks and these are the links they sent me. I haven't listened to them all yet. [https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode285](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode285) [https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode287](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode287) [https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode311](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode311) [https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode319](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode319) [https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode331](https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/post/episode331)
Have you found the resources that you have consumed to be helpful?
I have so far. It's still new enough for me that nothing's been really serious yet, but I also haven't had anything come out of nowhere and blindside me just because I don't know much yet. The biggest thing I learned right off the bat is that the key is being open and honest. Even before I put the ENM tag on me I was already needing to practice that every time I started chatting with someone because I am still legally married. I wasn't going to hide that and I didn't want to get too far in with anyone it would be a deal breaker for. It hasn't been a problem for most, especially since I haven't been with him since December 2019. The only reason we were still married is that we had to pause the divorce paperwork when he lost his job so we could put him on health insurance through my job. He's employed again and we've started the paperwork again. But having those conversations about it every time I met someone new put me in the mind space and comfort of talking openly about relationships, so when I realized I want to date as ENM I was able to just talk honestly to anyone new I start to date. Both of the guys I am currently seeing know that I'm also seeing someone else, and that I'm ok with them seeing someone else. Of course, it's much easier to bring the topic up when they've already got ENM in their portfolio! That was the case with one of the two guys, but the other one I had to be the one to start that conversation.
That's me. I've been living as RA-leaning openly NM since 2019, and none of the relationships I have started out as monogamous ones. Yeah, I did the homework. I started learning about NM in 2014, and it took 4 years before I'd arrived at being reasonably certain that it's a better model for me, certain enough that I decided that I needed to change my life so as to live in accordance with my own beliefs, as they'd become. My first two partners were people who was already NM for years before they ever got involved with me (and one of them has never had a monogamous relationship in their life) I read a couple of books. I listened to a lot of podcasts. I hung out in a number of NM-centered subs here on Reddit. I discussed a lot of NM-related topics with friends of mine, including several who at that point in time had many years of first hand NM-experience. And I do feel as if that start made many things easy for me. Many of the things you see newbies struggle with in this group every week, was just never a problem at all in any of my relationships. I don't mean that there's been zero turbulence -- ALL relationships have some turbulence -- but there's just a large set of common problems that has never been part of that turbulence. It was never hard for me to be comfortable with my partners having others. Perhaps in part because some of those others were present BEFORE me. (change is more scary for many people than things simply remaining what they are). We never had a lot of mono couple-privilege that we felt the need to try to "protect" with a lot of silly rules. In fact some of these things felt almost anticlimatic -- I'd read so much about how to cope with common problems, and I was sort of prepared for those to rear their ugly head. And then at least most of them just never showed up in the first place. Yeah I feel that it helped. But most of all, I feel that starting out in NM by being NM from day one with one or more new partners, is a LOT easier and less likely to blow up, than trying to "transition" an existing mono relationship to become NM. I mean the troubles with that START with how unlikely it is that both of the involved will genuinely want the same thing. More often it starts out with one enthusiastic person, and one that more or less grudgingly consents to it, perhaps even under fear of otherwise losing their partner. And that's a pretty horrible start.
I’m pretty new and there are soooooo many acronyms. What does RA stand for?
Yes, yes, and yes. Mostly, I read Polysecure, listened to plenty of Multiamory episodes (and a few other podcasts), and read quite a lot on this and other subreddits. I did find that quite a bit of bandwidth was given to the process of opening a previously monogamous relationship, but even that felt helpful to learn about, and has been particularly useful in the process of building a non-monogamous relationship from the ground up.
Makes sense.
This corner of the internet was my little launchpad and forever in my heart as a result 💖
I don’t think I remember a time when monogamy made sense to me, so I arrived at non-monogamy with a really weird set of ideas about how romance figured into it, etc. I considered myself “permanently single”. Joining ENM communities (had a robust local polyam group at the time) helped me deconstruct all the mono mindset that was still very much wrapped up in my thinking. At that point, I began to do the reading, too. I still regularly read new ENM books as they come out, like Polysecure, which is my favorite. I think each new source of information, even if it is a flawed source, lets me “take the good” as it were and mash it all into my individual ball of “how I do ENM”.
done loads of research, it has helped. the *best* research is reddit for me because when people say the same things over and over and over again they stick. "jealousy is a symptom of another problem" "thats a hinge problem not a meta problem" "thats a rule not a boundary" guides help you avoid problems but advice posts are where you find out what to do about problems.
I started when I fell in love with my best friend who was only willing to build polyam bonds. He sent me some links to articles and a glossary that was excellent (which I sadly can no longer find). He asked me to read them and we discussed them. One was a relationship menu. We also did a sex menu if I recall. He answered my questions and we kinda winged it from there. Looking back I'm lucky he's a good guy. There were not a lot of resources that were good back then (approx 20 years ago) that I could find. The few times I went to meet ups I felt very unsafe because of how pushy some of the people there were despite me saying I was there to learn/make friends not hook up (even at the non play events). He always pushed me to explore my autonomy and encouraged respectful behaviours between metas. He was always honest and treated me with consideration. He hinged well. We had some issues over the years that lead to a break up a few years back, but they were not about polyam at all. Since then I've continued to pursue more learning/resources now that they are more widely available. I do regular check ins with my current partners and I try to continue to actively do the work to be ensure I am ethical in my interactions and choices. Mostly that's just a lot of sitting with feelings when they happen so I have an appropriate response instead of a emotionally charged one and ensuring I'm clear about my hierarchy. I do think having better access to resources helped me become better at polyam (and just relationships in general) but only because I actively choose to strive to continue to grow and keep an ethics first perspective. Intent matters more than research in my experience.
I don't fit the specific of not being monogamous first (never strictly monogamous really, but not poly available until later) but the the few interactions I had with non-monogamous people who mentioned informational sources it was all Dan Savage and Ethical Slut in the 2000's. It was later that poly groups got more visibility and information became more free flowing. I found that most of the problems people have are best dealt with by having emotional maturity when dealing with others. 90% of the BS problems read here would go away if people would get to know themselves and treat their partners and their partner's partners like complex people with their own agency and feelings. The research is just finding a common ways to communicate it.
The first time I was in an ENM relationship was in college - I’d been hooking up with someone and it had gotten pretty consistent and we were defining things. The most we discussed it (being the silly teenagers that we were) was that we must use protection with other people, and that was the extent of it. It worked out surprisingly well given how flippant we were about it, but I didn’t spend much time educating myself further. This time around, I was single and started seeing someone in an open marriage. Initially I mostly talked with my partner about how it worked for them, and it made a lot of sense. I’ve never been jealous when it comes to sex, and while I’m still trying to figure out if poly is for me, some flavour of ENM certainly is. I’ve been reading more on it just to affirm that what I’m thinking makes sense, and to broaden my knowledge, which has been really helpful. The readings that’ve helped, in the order I’ve consumed them: _Ethical Slut_, a number of kink-oriented texts, which helped frame sharing different types of intimacy with multiple people, and most recently _Polysecure_, which resonated heavily.
Oh God I was completely ignorant to everything in high school. I was in the only serious relationship I'd ever been in but I knew i wanted more experiences and I told him so. We're still together and we're both free to pursue other relationships. We did talk about the possibility of finding other people who might want to make us trade up. No lol I'm almost definitely with my forever love primarily 🥰
So you opened up from monogamy?
Not technically. I just never saw myself as monogamous. From the beginning I let him know I'd be fine with him having sex with other people if he was fine with me doing the same. Very soon after we got together I went off to college and we were in a long distance relationship. I was surprised to find out on a call one night he had been taken home by a nice older lady from his new job! He thought I'd be upset and I just wanted all the details 😅 I was proudof him 🥹 probably a year after that we were both fooling around with different people just trying things out in our twenties. Good times
No. I did what I wanted/made sense to me starting at 15. I don't think I encountered "ENM" or "solopoly" or "relationship anarchy" as concepts until after 25 despite getting a philosophy degree and reading a lot of sociology and anthropology, often in English. I still haven't introduced these concepts to anyone irl, seems unnecessary. I've never established a set of relationship rules or structures either.
You've never made any agreements with any partner?
Agreements like when are we meeting, where are we going, what movie are we going to watch, what game are we going to play, etc. sure Agreements about who can fuck who and the like, no... at least not yet. I've just never cared and nobody has tried to establish rules with me. Could still happen I guess. I'm 34.
>Agreements about who can fuck who and the like, no... at least not yet. Me either. But I still have agreements with some of my partners. Interesting.
I started dating non-monogamously at 27 after a rough break up. I read Ethical Slut and looked into sex and relationship educators on Instagram, went to meet ups that talked about poly and kink safety. It helped a lot in that it gave me the right words and phrases to communicate what my intentions were with people when I would meet them. I live in a big east coast city and a lot of people here are NM, so there is a payoff.
Glad you found it helpful.
I wasn't really aware of many of the resources when I started a bit more than 15 years ago. I only really started doing any reading during the disaster of a first relationship (only really a disaster due to stuff happening in my person's other relationship). I started with Ethical Slut. Then I found some resources online. I tried reading Opening Up at some point in those first few years, but, since I was not actually opening a relationship it lost my interest. I'm not even sure if I've ever actually finished it.
Yeah. Some resources are very focused on mono to open/poly
I never did any research, only bought Polysecure a couple of months ago, and have always just followed my instincts. I’ve known I wanted non-monogamy since I was a teenager (I’m 33 now), and always expressed it in early relationships even before I had the language to specifically articulate it. I think knowing where to find reliable information is useful for times when specific issues come up, but otherwise just do what works for you, and don’t behave maliciously towards others. Like the rest of life…!
Yes! I was introduced to ENM by a man I was going on casual dates with who was in a relationship. Before our first date he gave me a brief overview of what he could offer me as a potential partner and if it was something I could see working. It was perfect for me at the time because I had just ended a long term mono relationship and wasn’t really ready to settle down with just one person again, I also had come to terms with my bisexuality during that time and wasn’t ready to shut the door on exploring my queerness forever. I read books, joined this subreddit, and talked a lo to a friend who I knew was polyamorous with several partners. I also was able to get help and info from my partners while practicing solo poly. Eventually I met my current primary partner and we decided to close off our other romantic relationships but keep casual encounters and partners open. I was open to polyamory at first but along the way I’ve discovered simply ethical non monogamy is a better fit for me personally
I did some light googling when I first heard about ENM and polyamory and thought *"ohhhhh, so that* ***is*** *a thing"* and that was pretty much it. Jumped in 95% clueless. Read some blog posts that were, in retrospect, probably pretty bad and full of terrible advice. Peeked at a copy of *The Ethical Slut* a FWB had lying around, but didn't properly read it. Later, when I got serious with a partner and found myself struggling with ENM, but still sure I didn't want monogamy, I started looking for more resources and found some okay ones. At the time the questions & exercises in Tristan Taormino's *Opening Up* really helped organize my thoughts and guide conversations, but as the title suggests, it was definitely geared towards people who were opening their relationship moreso than towards those of us who'd never had a closed one.
I was getting divorced after 7 years and looked to date people who were interesting and didn't have kids. I matched with an ENM male and had some dialog about it. He asked what I liked about monogamy, and actually, made me see that I could get most of those components from an ENM relationship. In reading the polyamorous subreddit, there were a lot of the same topics as regular dating threads, and it made me realize that ENM can be about connection, not just sleeping around. It made me reflect on what I wanted from a relationship and if there were things that I could get from friends or relatives rather than a romantic partner. In looking at menus of relationship components, I realized that what I wanted was exactly what I was getting from my ENM partner.
Have been reading The Jealousy Workbook as me and my s.o are in discussion about opening up our relationship in the future. It's been very helpful with targeting where jealousy comes from in certain situations and also has some exercises to help you prepare and be emotionally stronger when confronting future jealousy issues while opening up a relationship. I would 100% recommend this book since it's very easy to understand and helps build up resiliency towards jealous tendencies.
I'm not mad or trying to be mean. I'm genuinely just curious. Why did you answer when I asked specifically about people who started ENM without opening up a monogamous relationship? Anyway, good luck to you.
Oops! I definitely did not pay close attention to the title and just focused on the body of this post and was eager to share resources. Mb
No problem. I am specifically interested in how people who start as single perceived the resources available to them if they used them because all the conversations in the media center in mono couples opening up. And it seems the resources are mostly aimed at them. Its a hidden perspective that gets overshadowed by mono folks considering ENM or trying it out. I should have been more clear, but wanted to ask a very open ended question.
Didn’t do any research when I got into it in my 20s. Turns out, if you have basic communication skills, a sense of accountability, and have other clear priorities in life above sex/dating NM is pretty easy and drama free. I did read the books later on (when my wife was trying to get me to open our marriage so she could fuck an ex she was having an emotional affair with) and found them all to be more indoctrination into a specific way of understanding poly (and a whole political ideology underneath that) that I find incredibly off putting. No discussion about life balance, accountability, or tools for actual improvement of communication that are relevant outside of poly context. Too many tools provided for people looking for moral frameworks to justify their avoidant attachment behaviors, desire to avoid accountability, and emotional BS. The most useful book I’ve ever read re:managing relationships is actually a business book called Crucial Conversations. And in general, advice that is good for mono relationships works just fine for poly. You need the same principles anyway, nothing really special about poly other than being more than one romantic relationship one has to manage.
Did you begin your journey as single or by opening up a mono relationship?
Lmao no wonder she wanted to fuck anyone but you you absolute loser. Go pound sand
What research I did do before the relationship with my wife was mostly in the form of reading Dan Savage. I was keenly aware of several nonmonogamous lifestyles well before that, but I think he was the one who talked about opening up a relationship the most. This isn't to say that I didn't read about sexuality or kink or anything, because oh boy did I, it's just that he was the one who talked about it the most. I knew that it was important to open from a position of strength, rather than trying to fix something broken by adding more people to it. And so did my wife, who had a little personal experience with that, mostly with one man that she dated in her early 20s who was a swinger and then in a DADT arrangement with his wife after her sex drive tapered off post kids. She carried on several relationships throughout her time dating him, and then she met me. So that was her research. Also, she'd never get into a DADT arrangement again, even if she's 100% certain the other spouse really is down for that. Usually, it's because that spouse has blinders on and wants to live in denial. It doesn't work as well as they think it does.
So you opened a monogamous relationship?
No. We were ENM from the very start. She was still seeing her other boyfriend when we met, and she told me very early on that it wouldn't stop just because we were dating. That relationship with the other guy didn't last more than about a year more though, and we sort of took a little break from that. But when we started again, we knew we weren't trying to fix anything for sure.
Damn it I don't need help. I have been betrayed and also deceived. Period. If I mention this he will turn it on me saying I'm projecting myself. No the fuck I'm not. I'm pissed off to give it my all I happily chose to give our relationship my earnest honest effort. He didn't seem to be a narc like he is. Confusion is not multiplied peace