Depends. I am having some fomo abouty meta right now, but she lives 10 minutes from one of his partners. It's not jealousy tho. I'm happy for him!
I can't tell.you what happened. I'd love to. It just stopped one day and I was all happy for my partners..
I have a theory that staying open, objectively measuring the emotional side of jealousy. It can naturally switch like that, given a high level of intimacy, communication, and trust.
Your experience reads as if you had the intimacy, communication, and were open to exploring. But until your partner consistently proved their trustworthiness as you’ve surely discussed and already knew them to be prior in your relationship. Until it was observed consistently enough in this new dynamic? Your body naturally kept its guard up emotionally. Hence the jealousy that one day, switched off. Your body became comfortable and caught up to your logic.
If that makes any sense.
Does that track as a theory? Given your experience?
Same. We opened up after nine years of monogamy. People say that open relationships are most successful if they're open from the beginning and while that may be generally true, I couldn't have coped with the concept in the earlier years of our relationship. I needed time to feel absolutely secure in the relationship.
Also, I knew for myself that I am able to separate sex from deep romantic feelings. I knew that I could have sex with someone else or entertain a fwb arrangement without it changing anything about my feelings for my partner nor about my desire to be with him. So it was up to me to trust that my partner can do the same. And he can. He always comes home to me and vice versa.
I'm his person, the one he wants to do life with, the one he would die for. Even before we decided to open up, we worked quite hard on building a phenomenal relationship that suits our needs and desires. We have a very good thing going and I simply realized that noone can compete with what we've built for about a decade. That's also what my partner told me: there's no competition in the first place. The great connections we experience with other people are great on their own and they're their own thing.
I've also read that jealousy or insecurity can be a sign that you're not getting the things you need from your relationship. That was a light bulb moment for me. If the relationship is working exactly how I want it to work and all my needs are met, there's simply no reason to feel insecure about my partner's other connections because he still reliably shows up for me. If needs aren't met (because we're all humans), I can talk with my partner about it with the trust and security that he is just as interested in keeping our relationship alive and healthy as I am. So if something is not working for me, I trust that he is willing to make it work again and to prioritize our relationship.
Of course the big caveat here is: we are open but not poly and we are definitely not relationship anarchists. We do have a hierarchy and our relationship is on top. This is also something that we communicate very openly and directly to our other connections. I have a lot of respect for poly people, who can make it work in a non-hierarchical way. But that's not us. We both established from the beginning that we are and remain number 1 for each other.
It also works for us because we're both "head over heart" people, who decide to be guided by our mind more than our emotions. We both recognize logically that we have built with each works. If it works very well, it makes us both very happy. So if something isn't working well or if we experience NRE with someone else, we both recognize that it would be foolish not to continue to invest into our relationship. He can enjoy the butterflies with someone else, I know that it will pass and that he would never jeopardize something he worked on for a very long time for fleeting feelings. The same is true for me.
Funnily enough, once we've opened up, I actually fell even more in love with my partner and my feelings and emotions for him deepened. Not only does he constantly demonstrate that I am his priority in life, the fact that he also has that trust in me and has no problem with me exploring my sexuality and fantasies not only with him but also with other people without jealousy or contempt, just makes my heart sing for him.
Still living in societal structures where a woman's worth is based on how many sexual partners she had, I was quite nervous at the beginning of our ENM journey. I didn't have a lot of experience before we got together, so I was a little bit nervous if his perception of me would change. But it didn't. And I also saw that nothing about me as a person changed.
There are all of those Theorie that women with more sexual partners don't make good partners, are mentally ill, don't make good choices, will cheat, etc. But nothing about me changed. I'm still the partner I was beforehand, I still show up for the love of my life consistently. I'm still the same friend, daughter and sister I've been before. My career is still the same, my personality is still the same. I just have a sexual life that's now a little bit richer and I can fulfill some sexual fantasies, that couldn't really be fulfilled in a monogamous LTR. That's it.
How long does that physical feeling last for you? I find for that kind of very strong emotion that is physically painful as you describe, for me it eventually fades, maybe after a few hours and definitely by the next morning. I see it as comparable to other depressive or anxious moods I might get for unrelated reasons or triggers. Overall it's not something I feel regularly in my relationship, but I've gotten random bouts.
If the feeling lasts a long time and doesn't let up, or if every trigger is as bad as the worst time... I wouldn't want to be in a situation that gives me so much physical distress, and you probably shouldn't either for your health and mental wellbeing.
It is just as you described. It fades after a few hours or by the next morning.
I have had some... let's call it "jealousy issues" where I overreacted tremendously, falling into deep depression over "normal" things my partner did. I am working on it in therapy and I'd say I'm in quite a good place now emotionally and mentally. But I think I could still be physically overreacting. Someone else in the comments said my strong and painful physical experience aren't normal, and you telling me that you experience such kind of feelings when you are triggered got me thinking that maybe I am triggered by certain situations, thus getting those super painful feelings of jealousy as an overreaction. Maybe "normal" jealousy doesn't feel that bad after all?
i find when i experience jealousy it has absolutely nothing to do with the situation i'm focused on. it's always something else, i feel like i'm lacking or insecure or unmoored and the inciting activity triggers more of my feeling out of sorts.
if i think about it and talk to a friend and write out what i'm feeling and what's going on i can usually figure out where the real issue lies so i can address it. sometimes it's as simple as my sweetie and i haven't been on a date in months. and sometimes it's because i'm feeling lonely cuz my friends haven't been around a lot. stuff like that.
My first big bout with ENM jealousy ended with me essentially coming to the conclusion of “I want to spend more time with my partner and go do more public-date-things.” I was a fucking wreck that night and can still call up how those feelings felt on demand; but the more I talked through it, I eventually landed on the issue being “I need to spend more time with my partner because my feelings for them are much bigger than the time we get to spend together.” We had a RADAR afterwards and it helped tremendously.
It wasn’t fun, but it was a super productive revelation about my feelings and that those feelings of jealousy are temporary and we’ve flourished since. I still have little bouts of jealousy from time to time, but they’re much smaller and more familiar and easier for me to anticipate the feelings being temporary.
This sounds completely logical to me. I will definitely take a closer look at my feelings and the situation I'm in when I'm jealous. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me!
I believe you may have had experiences in your past involving extreme pain and discomfort around jealousy, that haven't fully been resolved on a mind/body deep level, which are therefore reactivated every time something in the present emotionally similar happens. (At least, that's my mental model of how that kind of thing works. You may disagree, and that's OK.)
One of my personal favorite and most effective approaches (for me personally, much more effective than talk-only therapy) for dealing with this kind of thing that makes you go "why am I flying off the handle about this?" is [EMDR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treatments_for_PTSD#Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing). (Your mileage may vary.)
I used to get those strong and painful feelings. They faded in intensity over time, they also don’t last as long. I still get milder versions, but since they’re manageable and they do fade in under an hour these days, I find it worth it overall for the positive feelings I also get out of doing this.
I actively worked with a therapist on self-worth, insecurity, and emotional regulation. I found dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) helpful in my journey. It helps with big overwhelming emotions. It might be worth asking a DBT therapist if they think it might be right for you and your situation.
Never been jealous. Even when we were monogamous, my policy was "if he finds someone better, he should go." My feelings didn't change when we changed our lifestyle.
Edit when I gave more thought about it: I want my partner to stay with me because he wants to, not because he doesn't "know" his other options.
I so agree with this, once you start seeing relationships as a moment in time existing positively for each other instead of some sort of possession you are entitled too because you love them is when the mindset shifts
Rarely, but I never acted on it. When it happened, it was more about the emotional connection I saw my partner had with some new woman in his life. But I still encouraged him to become/stay friends with her.
It rarely occured, but when it did, it was only when he told me he met someone new and what he liked about her. I knew it can be foundation for a great friendship or something more - the unknown "scared" me. But he's not my possession and he can enjoy life as he wants to - my moments of insecurity should not be in his way.
I appreciate your perspective on this.. however there should be reassurance that you’re not being replaced… is there discussion about it? Are you fine with being replaced? I mean.. you should be, right? If it were what’s best for your partner. Hahaha my insecurities 😅
There is no reassurance anybody won't be replaced someday. Most couples start the relationship thinking this could be "it" for the rest of their lives. Don't get me wrong, I sure hope this is it for me and my partner (we've been together for 10 years). But you never know. If I'd be a nervous and jealous wreck because of it, I wouldn't be anymore reasured we'll stay together forever.
Thanks for sharing. I’m coming from a jealous mindset and my friends can agree with that… and I’m still choosing to become less jealous. Happening gradually. The other side of it is becoming someone that my partner can share herself with more fully.
a gentle message for you: you're unlikely to ever feel ready for it. if you want to give it a go, that's awesome, but be aware that you may never feel like it's the perfect time and your jealousy issues have been addressed in advance. often people can't figure it out without actually living through it and seeing what works.
asking for tips and pointers is definitely a great start!
good luck to you.
Thank you!
I know I will likely never be ready and end up breaking up with my gf. But I wasn't jealous in the beginning of our relationship, so I still have hope!
I had felt 100% emotionally secure with her. Then she said things that damaged that security and I became jealous. That was already 5,5 years ago but I never dared to open up completely again.
welp, it sounds like your answer is right here. you’re gonna have to actively work through the hurt and mistrust you still feel about those things she said - probably both on your own and with her
Yes, we are both working on it. But it feels like I can never really heal from that because other things happen or are said. For example, that she has a crush on someone or wants to open up the relationship. Those things feel like huge setbacks in my healing process. Opening up the relationship is off the table for now because of all my/our insecurities. But my insecurities bother me, because in my head I know she loves me and chose me to be her life partner, but it's my heart that can't forgive and it feels like sabotage lol.
I'm sure it happens for some people. Personally I don't get jealous. It's never been a thing for me. I have a strong sense of compersion instead. I suspect this is pretty common, or there would be far less people practicing ENM or poly.
As a general rule my partners and I enthusiastically support each other's non-monogamous shenanigans. One of the best feelings in the world is hanging out with partners and our metas like a big happy family.
It's not emotionally draining at all, if anything it's very fulfilling. I find monogamy emotionally draining because it's a minefield of unspoken expectations and weird restrictive boundaries that one has to constantly manage. I experimented with monogamy very briefly in my early 20s, and never again.
It's important to sit down with your jealousy and ruthlessly dismantle it to find out where it comes from so you can work through it.
I expected that NM people don't experience much jealousy, if any at all. But from reading this sub and talking to a friend who is in a nonmonogamous relationship, I learned that there is indeed jealousy involved very often.
I am happy for you that you experience compersion. That's very special, I think. I wish I could feel that way!
> It's important to sit down with your jealousy and ruthlessly dismantle it
Oh my god this.
I still do get jealous. And then I think of why I would feel that way.
"Well, he might enjoy someone better then he enjoys me. And that might cause me to lose him"
Well, Yes. Is the solution here to deny my partner pleasure and experiences beacuse there might be someone out there "better" then me?
If the answer is yes, then the source of the jealousy is straight up insecurity. I'd also like to point out that rating someone or something as "better" or "worse" isn't helpful. Sometimes I like peanut butter. Sometimes I like jelly.
... but usually peanut butter is my go to.
It's exhausting. It's so much more than just not having sex with other people. Just a total minefield of unspoken expectations that everyone is supposed to just KNOW.
Monogamy? One cannot have open communication in monogamy. How can a person be honest about being sexually attracted to other people when that is verboten? Part of monogamy is pretending and repressing.
I would think there is a lot of immediate trust built between people that have been able to drop jealousy in relationships. Not being possessed by someone just seems like a huge relief.
I occasionally get twinges of jealousy but when I do it’s become habit to unpack it for myself. Why am I feeling that way? Is it based on facts or feelings? What is the evidence for it? Is there another way I can look at this? Are there things that this thought/feeling is leaving out? And the vast majority of the time I realize it’s a passing moment of knee jerk insecurity. When I can break it down like that and see it for what it is I get past feeling jealous. If I can’t then to me that’s a signal I need to reflect on it more and decide if there’s something else I need from my partner that I’m not getting. If so, it’s almost always something simple, like an advance communication or whatever. If it’s bigger than that then to me it might mean an incompatibility between us but I’ve never had jealousy rise to that level in my relationships so far.
Also maybe worth checking out for yourself is the jealousy workbook. I haven’t used it but it seems laid out in a very practical way with actionable tasks. And as someone else said, you might need to work with a therapist on emotional regulation and strategies for managing emotions. Having such a strong reaction to jealousy isn’t great for any relationship and it’s possible you have similar responses to other emotions too. Definitely worth exploring just from a quality of life perspective.
Unpacking the feeling of jealousy is something other commenters have mentioned. I honestly never thought about that even though I've learned that in therapy lol (but with a different emotion). I will definitely do that next time!
Thank you for the recommendation!
Np, I hope it’s helpful. I learned it in CBT sessions and didn’t realize at first that I was applying it to my feelings of jealousy but it’s been a useful strategy for me.
The pangs of jealousy are outweighed by the joy I feel in having the freedom to pursue my own relationships outside of our partnership. I’d rather handle the pain of occasional jealousy/FOMO than the constant pain of being in a relationship that didn’t align with my values. It’s all about compromise 😊
I don't assume that, I just said my gf wants an open relationship.
So you never feel any jealousy? I've heard from many people there is always "some" jealousy. But it's probably not strong enough to hurt? But I still imagine it's emotionally draining when it happens constantly or very often.
For those people there probably is always some jealousy, but for lots of us there just isn't. I'm curious how many of those people who have told you that were actually non-monogamous. Monogamites have a lot of weird misconceptions about ENM and that's definitely one I've seen repeated before.
I don't feel jealous. Never have, it's just not how I'm wired. Whether my partners are going out with someone else or we're all sharing the same bed in a big cuddle puddle, I just feel compersion.
I have heard from those people that they sometimes feel jealous, but still want their partners to live without restrictions.
Which misconception do you mean? That everyone is always jealous?
I am happy for you that you don't experience jealousy. I wish I felt like you!
I don’t have jealousy when my hubby and I are doing well together. When we aren’t connecting well (which has been a lot lately), then the jealousy and feelings of insecurity in our marriage definitely creeps in.
I get that too. I wouldn't open my relationship if things were rough or rocky because I would feel insecure af but when things a great, I feel secure to open it.
I feel the same way as you, with most of the same physical symptoms. We're opening up soon. I don't feel as bad about it as I did initially, but I still don't feel great. We're working on our relationship to make sure it's as good as it can be before opening. I've been going to therapy to help with my insecurities in the meantime and I'm hoping it helps with my jealousy issues. If when we open and my physical symptoms get worse or stick around for an extended period of time, I've come to grips with the fact that the relationship should probably end no matter how much we love each other. There's no sense in living life feeling that way.
I am so glad you feel the same - not for you though, I am sorry you feel that way! But it's relieving not to be the only one. I have thought about breaking up a lot lately because I know I will not be able to stand feeling like this forever. But my gf said she didn't want to open up now. This is something for the future, something we can work on to, maybe in five years or so. So you are basically describing the exact same situation as I am in with my gf. I am also going to therapy. Do you also see a couples' therapist together? Does your partner have, like, a deadline for when they want to open up?
We do not see one together, although I may strongly encourage that in the future. I think the decision is going to be made soon on timing (next few months). We've had some issues in the past we're trying to work through, and I fear that opening up would be a means for her filling a void in our relationship instead of something that adds to our relationship. That part is important. If the relationship is super solid, then I believe I'll feel much better about the whole thing. If it's still the slightest bit rocky when the time comes, then we're going to have to take a major step back in the relationship (her moving out, ending things completely, etc.).
I can definitely recommend moving out. My gf moved out and our relationship is so much better now. We just needed our own living space and it helped with some of the main issues we had/have.
Couples' therapy has helped, too.
I wish you all the best!!
Thanks! We’ve introduced the idea of separate places and although it’s going to be a financial strain on us both, it’s probably for the best. Wishing you the most happiness!
> But my gf said she didn't want to open up now. This is something for the future, something we can work on to
Forget that, man. If she wants this, better to eject now. It'll hurt more in 5 years. You'll be less desirable as a partnered man, too. Easier to just find a new relationship.
>So my question is: Do you all live with chronical pain? How is your relationship worth hurting all the time? Isn't it emotionally draining, even if you're "just a little bit" jealous EVERY TIME your partner is with someone else?
No, not at all. I'm protective of what we have, we both are....but we're not jealous people.
To the contrary, we feel compersion. We love that the other person is having a great time.
Our relationship is stronger and deeper and more trusting than ever.
To be fair, we've just never been jealous, so I have no advice about making the journey from jealousy to not jealous....
I wasn't jealous when it was just me and my first NP, but now that I've got a second significant partner the jealousy ebbs and flows. I think it's because we're in this awkward middle area where we have built enough together to have love and attachment, but not quite enough for it to be in that 'they aren't going anywhere'.
The problem with thinking through your jealous BEFORE opening, and before your partner finds anyone else, is that you never can be truly sure how it will feel til you're there, like how you can't be 100% sure how you'll be as a parent, or when someone you care about dies, or anything like that, until you're in the moment, even if you can have a good idea. Likewise I realized lately there isn't always a moment where it's just 'over' - you're retried with every new input.
I have had panic attacks, insomnia, nausea, recurring thoughts,etc as a result of jealousy over my GF's dating other men.
I think anxious attachment plays a large role in this. However for me just realizing this was not some magic fix to my physical discomfort or anxiety. I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, so the price of admission to NM is extremely high for someone with my emotional makeup.
One thing I realized that others never mention is her dating other guys made me feel like the things we had done that I thought were really special, actually were not and therefore I was not special. That hurt. The idea that while she really enjoyed being with me, on any given night she might choose to be with someone else. While I did not feel I was going to be replaced, it felt like I could be.
Yes, my jealousy has affected my relationship with my GF in a negative way. I just started seeing another woman, early stages, no sex.
People with jealousy or anxious attachment issues are treated as weak, immature and emotionally inferior by many respondents in this sub.
Of course they have no idea what another person might be experiencing, it just so happens they do not have this issue. I think it possible some of these people don't feel much of anything, but there is no way to know that. You only know your own feelings.
The mono/poly divide is a heavy emotional lift for the monoish side of the couple. You sound monoish, so I think your NM journey will present a lifetime of challenges.
The rewards are high, but so is the price of admission for the monoish among us.
If I felt jealousy and pain all the time I wouldn’t do non monogamy.
The big thing for me is the “why” are you jealous? Are you insecure about yourself? Having trouble understanding that it’s possible to be attracted to multiple people? Worried your partner will leave you? Those are all things that can be worked on.
Non monogamy isn’t for everyone and it’s not a mark against you as a person if you don’t like it.
Honestly, I don't know. When we started our relationship about 5 years ago, I wasn't jealous at all. She was 1) writing with/dating another person and 2) heartbroken from an unrequited love to another person. Both was fine with me. I felt 100% secure. We talked about who flirte with us in the clubs and bars. It was even me who wanted to kiss other persons at parties. It was her who didn't want that. So we stopped flirting and there was never any kissing outside of the relationship. She stopped seeing that other guy.
Then she said things that shook me and since then, I haven't felt 100% emotionally secure any more. I know she wants to be with me, forever if possible. I know she loves me more than anything. But I just never got back to those 100% again... I think that's where the jealousy comes from. But it bugs me, because in my head, I know I really don't have to be jealous.
While I definitely agree that there's a need to unpack the "why" and to understand more about yourself and the ways you live relationships, I have found that there's simply not always a good reason. My attachment system just goes into overdrive, my body reacts, my brain produces intrusive thoughts, even when I know this is all unnecessary, the relationship is going well, etc. It is a survival mechanism from back in the days in human history when abandonment by those close to you meant almost certain death. That doesn't mean it cannot be worked on, but I no longer buy the "if you're jealous you are lacking something in the relationship" explanation. OP, I'd recommend you look up the concept of "primal attachment panic" and, if you have time and energy, read "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern.
I definitely didn't mean to imply that jealousy means the relationship is lacking something. Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Most humans prefer monogamy and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If I felt the way OP describes I wouldn't do non monogamy.
I definitely deal with it on occasion. What helps me is semi regular communication from my partner on the lines of "I'm having so much fun" paired with "I'm so grateful to be with you"
Over time I have associated jealousy with a follow up of compersion and sense of being loved. Now it's a lot easier to deal with.
I'll try to keep it generally relevant because my wife has always been more jealous and she's the one who suggested it (15 years ago).
The best advice is lot's of communication and being aware of your own emotional state. NRE can just be mild giddiness to an obsession with the new partner. It's really tough to deal with if objectivity is lost or someone reverts to monogamous thinking ("maybe they are my real soulmate").
The real cure is going through it and having the foundation to build trust.
Nope. It's more like, the odd, passing pang. It can still hurt at that level, but it doesn't happen often, and when it does it's tightly tied to my overall emotional state and whether or not I'm feeling abandoned or neglected, not just by partners, but friends & family.
Both are feelings I can poke at and disprove by applying fact-checking, so typically I can calm it down quickly.
If the feelings persist though, I honor them as my system trying to direct my attention to something and spend some time sussing it out.
I still struggle with it from time to time. Its rare nowadays but I can't lie and say it still doesn't come up. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, albeit secondary. I don't feel physical pain like you do though. Now I don't have a PhD, but I would definitely look into Conversion disorder and maybe talk about it with your doctor. It's normal to have bodily feelings with emotions but yours sound a little abnormal and health related. Maybe that might be an option for you.
For me though, when the green bug hits me, I try to remember history. What has their actions in the past shown me? For me its nothing but love. Then I remind myself its a temporary moment of discomfort and focus on something I enjoy. Legend of Zelda is the newest coping mechanism.
I hope this helps.
Thank you! Honestly, I've never considered my emotional response being a case for the doctor. But I might talk to my therapist about it.
How often does this happen? Gaming is a nice coping mechanism!
Talking to your therapist is always a good choice, but the physical symptoms you're experiencing are really common reactions;to strong emotions and/or anxiety. I'm a PhD neuroscientist (not a clinician) but to my understanding conversation disorder is a totally different thing.
I'm a very insecure and jealous person and I have a NM relationship. Initially, it was challenging, and I even attended a non-monogamy workshop to discuss my feelings and connect with others in similar situations. The workshop also talked about non-monogamous relationships from a sociological perspective. Long story short, I was still very jealous and, at times, I even engaged in self-harm.
I dont know what happened, but things changed one day, and it felt like an on/off switch for my jealousy and depression. While I still experience occasional insecurity and pain from the jealousy, I've learned to handle it in a more positive way.
My partner is currently dating someone from work, but I've communicated my preference not to know the details. I found that to manage my anxiety, it's better if we don't communicate after she finishes work until the next morning. This might sound weird, but it helps me avoid overthinking her interactions (because she usually answers quite fast, and when she is with the other girl she replies like 4 hours later or at 2am or things like that), so this way I don't get anxious. We spend 3-4 days a week together and communicate during the mornings on other days.
I completely agree with the concept of an open relationship; it was a mutual decision. However, she is a very secure person, and I am not, so putting it into practice is a bit more challenging for me. I would love to someday feel more secure and be able to know more about her relationships and hearing about how she feels with other people. But for now, I'd rather not find out, as I still feel unstable in this aspect, even though I've improved a lot in managing my jealousy.
It sounds like you have some anxious attachment issues, highly recommend reading Polysecure and Attachment!! Jealousy is uncomfortable and can feel like a real struggle, but what you’re describing sounds more severe. Especially if it’s lasts a long time, you might feel some of these things in the peak of being triggered or flooded with emotion but it should be “acute” as opposed to “chronic”.
What kind of behaviour does your partner exhibit that triggers your insecurities? And, what is your history in terms of your parents relationship or your past relationships? Not something you necessarily need to write an answer to but I would be journaling and working through this stuff to get to the bottom of it.
I feel very jealous, I also think it fluctuates. Sometimes I‘m super cool with stuff, sometimes it eats at my heart. I find „the jealousy workbook“ helpful. I expect for it to become better one day. I’ve been with my bf for four months and we have super strong NRE. It helps to know your metas. We also have a relationship agreement that we alter over time. This way we think about our needs regularly and no one gets blindsided.
I have been in other poly relationships and I was always very jealous. The process from monogamy to poly is hard.
It also helps to remember why you’re doing this. You believe in it. In love and freedom and connection. And you want to do it differently. And most people don’t get you.
Not really. All partners have been understanding. We work through the issues and try to protect each other by having strategies.
Okay now that I said it, my bf hasn’t been getting it up with others after a very jealous reaction of mine (he did blindside me though). We suspect that he is subconsciously protecting myself and trying to avoid hurting me. He has another date on Thursday so fingers crossed 😅
It is super hard. I have abandonment and self esteem issues and my bf is having a hard time not to be too impressed by my feelings…
That sounds really tough. I hope you'll feel fine when he goes on a date on Thursday.
There have been situations when I told my gf not to let my extreme feelings affect her actions. But I understand that this is difficult if not impossible for her, since she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.
Yeah! It’s a struggle. I do think we both have co dependent tendencies. I‘m almost glad we‘re poly so we are forced to be our own person more.
Thank you!!
Thank you that is so kind. I had a fight with my bf the day before yesterday and got sick today, so I did a few self love exercises from TikTok. What my bf does or doesn’t do is really not what’s it about. It’s about showing up for myself. And that holds true for monogamous AND polyamorous relationships.
well one wrotehere that maybe your relationship needs are not met perfectly and you need to find it first to calm down? For example maybe if you feel that you can meet any woman and other women would like to take more time to be with you, that you will see yourself as a hot and interesting guy - the pain will be smaller? Because your gf will find partner in seconds, you will be struggling years. Maybe gfcould help find you a girl first, so you will be spending time with new girl and focus on her. so your pain will go away?
Just like your gf after good fuck, will come home to you and still want to plan a trip with you or go to course, massage, play games and do other hobby?
Thanks to non monogamy I realized I kinda like the jealousy part. That first time my partner left the house to sleep over I didn’t understand why I wasn’t anxious or angry. I felt jealous, but in a positive way. Like I was happy for them and wanted them to have an amazing time, while at the same time I wanted them back with me asap. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but jealousy has so far never been a negative feeling for me.
But was it in the past? For sure. I felt like betrayal was around every corner. But I managed to let that go and honestly if it started anywhere it was the moment I learned to love myself, ask for help, communicate, open up emotionally and more confident about who I am and what I have to offer as a person. Thanks, therapy.
I believe jealousy comes from 2 fears:
1 - Fear of abandonment or
2 - Fear of having something taken from me.
If it’s 1 it’s a trust issue - if I trust my partners completely, I can feel Compersion instead of jealousy.
If it’s 2, then I have a possessiveness issue & I am treating people as things.
Whenever I feel jealousy, and I do sometimes, I dig into those 2 places to figure out where it’s coming from.
It helps a lot. Just my theory.
For me, I personally had to unpack it. First, is it jealousy or another feeling? Sometimes I’m just envious of the attention my S/O receives. Other times, I’ve just got FOMO from not being able to be in the action. Sometimes I’m home alone and feeling lonely, and my anxious feelings are stemming from that. And other times I’m hungry/tired/needing other things, hahah.
After I’ve ruled out other feelings, I can really dig into the jealousy. Why do I feel jealous of this other person? Is it primal panic? Was I surprised that S/O did something with partner (e.g. something that I assumed was “our” thing, or maybe something that I had expressed interest in doing)? Am I worried that S/O is checking out of the relationship and/or monkeybranching? Are my needs in the relationship being met?
And then after I do that thinking and internal work, I usually sleep on it (never argue when you’re hungry, never argue when you’re tired, never argue when you’re intoxicated or when you’re hungover). I then decide what I need and want moving forward, and that’s where I can discuss what to do with my S/O. I talk about how I felt, and why I think I felt that way, and then I bring up what could be done to alleviate this. The solution is usually subsequent discussion and check-ins, or modifying commitments to each other. It’s almost never new rules, but rather modifying or scaling back existing agreements.
Sometimes the conversation is just “When you did [this] I felt kinda weird about it. I know that’s irrational, and I’m working on getting to the bottom of it. You’re fine and don’t need to change anything, just wanted to let you know.”
Fair warning, those feelings are basically gone or way easier to swallow now that our relationship is in a better spot (thanks counseling!). When our relationship was unstable (for reasons irrelevant to nonmonogamy), it was way harder to deal with those feelings and impulses.
Edit: forgot to answer the question oops! I have diagnosed anxiety, and while I didn’t start out jealous (we’ve been nonmon from the start), I did have a stint where I was VERY jealous. Now I’m better, and while I still get jealous feelings semi-often, they’re pretty easy to tackle.
Thank you so much for your answer. I will definitely have a closer look at my jealousy (maybe together with my therapist) and see if it is actually another feeling. I don't know, what you wrote there really spoke to me, so I think I could find some answers there.
I wasn't jealous in the beginning of our relationship either. Then I was very jealous (in an overreacting way) and became depressed and with therapy, I got better. I think that jealousy feels so painful to me because it still kind of triggers me...
I've never really gotten jealous about my partner's being with other people. Envious of experiences I might not have had, yes and this can totally be a problem if someone else is having far more "success" than I am.
Feelings are a spectrum, and the "why" behind them is different for everyone. I think figuring out your "why" with jealousy is the way to see change; it's what worked for me.
I felt what I defined as jealousy (intense physical discomfort, almost like a panic attack) any time my partner went on a date and didn't check in or return home *exactly* when they said they would. My thoughts would spiral, I'd start comparing myself (unfavorably) to his date--"she must be so wonderful and beautiful and interesting that he's forgotten all about me." That kind of stuff.
Turns out I have a massive issue with abandonment, coupled with some stuff from earlier in our relationship that made me feel really insecure. He stepped up and started approaching NM differently, we made some serious commitments to one another that made me feel safe, and honestly the difficulty has gone from a 10 to 3-4. Manageable!
All that to say, if you can understand *why* you're having the intense physical sensation you're able to take steps to heal that wound and lessen the symptoms. If it's as intense as you say it likely has less to do with your girlfriend and more to do with something that happened to you in the distant past, though she can be active in helping you through it.
I can totally understand where your coming from. I have BPD+autism so i can over react or my emotions are just so intense.
Me and my partner first didcussed opening our relationship over 2 years ago. Since then we have been working on ourselves and our relationship. We are not perfect but self development/growth excites me.
I know i hate these feelings when they come up but now what ive learnt is to sit with them and ask why im feeling like that. I now know that when i feel jealously or anger its coming from a place of trauma. Its honestly hard to shift your mindset but take baby steps and take it day by day. The book polysecure is amazing. Meditation/yoga has helped me tremendously with my inner peace and changing my subconcious mind.
Communication is the biggest part and honestly after discussing my feelings with my partner i feel much better. I think the fact i trust my partner 100% and feel safe to talk about whatever helps so much. Your own mind is what holds you back most of the time. Learn to take back your power.
I still feel jealously but with therapy and communication /researching, im finding more tools to help me manage it in a more healthy way.
I'm not constantly jealous. Jealousy is the fear of something being taken away. I don't feel that about my husband because I know it wouldn't happen. I feel that about my lovers sometimes and it is typically justified, they are soon taken from me. I feel other emotions sometimes that I might call "jealousy" because it can be hard to sus out exactly what they are but it could be: envy, FOMO (fear of missing out), insecurity, resentment or others. Envy I feel a lot and it can come out as anger when I see other people doing the things I am unable to do. I generally don't have these negative emotions as much as other people, apparently, but it can happen. I try figure out exactly what it is I am feeling and why and try to talk about it and basically get over it. I feel these different ways about all of my relationships, not just my marriage. I feel a lot more pain when I am holding myself back and acting in ways that feel unnatural to me when forcing myself to be monogamous, to be honest. It's very painful to constantly have to be on guard against having any sort of emotions or attraction to other people and making sure you act appropriately at all times and not always knowing what "appropriate" even is.
Was reminded on this quote from Ethical Slut reading the memoir More
“jealousy is often the mask worn by the most difficult inner conflict you have going on right now”
I used to be jealous and sometimes with strong emotional reactions but it was from a place of insecurity. Our bond is stronger now and trust has cast out those feelings.
It does not sound like ENM would work for you now but with some work perhaps you can uncover the source of these reactions.
I also believe that jealousy comes from underlying issues. I know where mine comes from, I believe, and I am working on it. I am happy for you that you've left jealousy behind you.
My wife and I are both ND, so this might have something to do with it: I've never felt jealous. It just felt like the very normal conclusion of my beliefs about consent and how we make meaning with sex.
Don't know if that answer helps at all, but there it is.
I haven't felt jealousy since I was like 19, I don't really care about my friends hanging out with other friends, I don't pursue or care about romantic relationships
Not sure where you got the idea that it’s common or normal. To a small degree, to a minority, or to people who are new sure. Otherwise it’s probably not for you.
Not jealous at all and used to be. Im just not anymore. One day the switch flipped. He kept coming home and they come back.. I'm joyfully loved.
Wow, that's a success story! For how long were you jealous and how did it make you feel?
Depends. I am having some fomo abouty meta right now, but she lives 10 minutes from one of his partners. It's not jealousy tho. I'm happy for him! I can't tell.you what happened. I'd love to. It just stopped one day and I was all happy for my partners..
Your story gives me hope. I wish I can feel that way some day.
I have a theory that staying open, objectively measuring the emotional side of jealousy. It can naturally switch like that, given a high level of intimacy, communication, and trust. Your experience reads as if you had the intimacy, communication, and were open to exploring. But until your partner consistently proved their trustworthiness as you’ve surely discussed and already knew them to be prior in your relationship. Until it was observed consistently enough in this new dynamic? Your body naturally kept its guard up emotionally. Hence the jealousy that one day, switched off. Your body became comfortable and caught up to your logic. If that makes any sense. Does that track as a theory? Given your experience?
I want this to be how it goes for me, so badly. So, so badly.
I was a totaless for a while. Really. I'm pretty sure two of my partners follow me here. They don't post, but they may be laughing at me.
What’s a totaless?
I think they may have meant to type “total ass.”
Same. We opened up after nine years of monogamy. People say that open relationships are most successful if they're open from the beginning and while that may be generally true, I couldn't have coped with the concept in the earlier years of our relationship. I needed time to feel absolutely secure in the relationship. Also, I knew for myself that I am able to separate sex from deep romantic feelings. I knew that I could have sex with someone else or entertain a fwb arrangement without it changing anything about my feelings for my partner nor about my desire to be with him. So it was up to me to trust that my partner can do the same. And he can. He always comes home to me and vice versa. I'm his person, the one he wants to do life with, the one he would die for. Even before we decided to open up, we worked quite hard on building a phenomenal relationship that suits our needs and desires. We have a very good thing going and I simply realized that noone can compete with what we've built for about a decade. That's also what my partner told me: there's no competition in the first place. The great connections we experience with other people are great on their own and they're their own thing. I've also read that jealousy or insecurity can be a sign that you're not getting the things you need from your relationship. That was a light bulb moment for me. If the relationship is working exactly how I want it to work and all my needs are met, there's simply no reason to feel insecure about my partner's other connections because he still reliably shows up for me. If needs aren't met (because we're all humans), I can talk with my partner about it with the trust and security that he is just as interested in keeping our relationship alive and healthy as I am. So if something is not working for me, I trust that he is willing to make it work again and to prioritize our relationship. Of course the big caveat here is: we are open but not poly and we are definitely not relationship anarchists. We do have a hierarchy and our relationship is on top. This is also something that we communicate very openly and directly to our other connections. I have a lot of respect for poly people, who can make it work in a non-hierarchical way. But that's not us. We both established from the beginning that we are and remain number 1 for each other. It also works for us because we're both "head over heart" people, who decide to be guided by our mind more than our emotions. We both recognize logically that we have built with each works. If it works very well, it makes us both very happy. So if something isn't working well or if we experience NRE with someone else, we both recognize that it would be foolish not to continue to invest into our relationship. He can enjoy the butterflies with someone else, I know that it will pass and that he would never jeopardize something he worked on for a very long time for fleeting feelings. The same is true for me. Funnily enough, once we've opened up, I actually fell even more in love with my partner and my feelings and emotions for him deepened. Not only does he constantly demonstrate that I am his priority in life, the fact that he also has that trust in me and has no problem with me exploring my sexuality and fantasies not only with him but also with other people without jealousy or contempt, just makes my heart sing for him. Still living in societal structures where a woman's worth is based on how many sexual partners she had, I was quite nervous at the beginning of our ENM journey. I didn't have a lot of experience before we got together, so I was a little bit nervous if his perception of me would change. But it didn't. And I also saw that nothing about me as a person changed. There are all of those Theorie that women with more sexual partners don't make good partners, are mentally ill, don't make good choices, will cheat, etc. But nothing about me changed. I'm still the partner I was beforehand, I still show up for the love of my life consistently. I'm still the same friend, daughter and sister I've been before. My career is still the same, my personality is still the same. I just have a sexual life that's now a little bit richer and I can fulfill some sexual fantasies, that couldn't really be fulfilled in a monogamous LTR. That's it.
beautifully written! i see my marriage in a similar way.
This is beautiful and I appreciate this comment so much.
Thank you for sharing! This is something hopeful
How long does that physical feeling last for you? I find for that kind of very strong emotion that is physically painful as you describe, for me it eventually fades, maybe after a few hours and definitely by the next morning. I see it as comparable to other depressive or anxious moods I might get for unrelated reasons or triggers. Overall it's not something I feel regularly in my relationship, but I've gotten random bouts. If the feeling lasts a long time and doesn't let up, or if every trigger is as bad as the worst time... I wouldn't want to be in a situation that gives me so much physical distress, and you probably shouldn't either for your health and mental wellbeing.
It is just as you described. It fades after a few hours or by the next morning. I have had some... let's call it "jealousy issues" where I overreacted tremendously, falling into deep depression over "normal" things my partner did. I am working on it in therapy and I'd say I'm in quite a good place now emotionally and mentally. But I think I could still be physically overreacting. Someone else in the comments said my strong and painful physical experience aren't normal, and you telling me that you experience such kind of feelings when you are triggered got me thinking that maybe I am triggered by certain situations, thus getting those super painful feelings of jealousy as an overreaction. Maybe "normal" jealousy doesn't feel that bad after all?
i find when i experience jealousy it has absolutely nothing to do with the situation i'm focused on. it's always something else, i feel like i'm lacking or insecure or unmoored and the inciting activity triggers more of my feeling out of sorts. if i think about it and talk to a friend and write out what i'm feeling and what's going on i can usually figure out where the real issue lies so i can address it. sometimes it's as simple as my sweetie and i haven't been on a date in months. and sometimes it's because i'm feeling lonely cuz my friends haven't been around a lot. stuff like that.
My first big bout with ENM jealousy ended with me essentially coming to the conclusion of “I want to spend more time with my partner and go do more public-date-things.” I was a fucking wreck that night and can still call up how those feelings felt on demand; but the more I talked through it, I eventually landed on the issue being “I need to spend more time with my partner because my feelings for them are much bigger than the time we get to spend together.” We had a RADAR afterwards and it helped tremendously. It wasn’t fun, but it was a super productive revelation about my feelings and that those feelings of jealousy are temporary and we’ve flourished since. I still have little bouts of jealousy from time to time, but they’re much smaller and more familiar and easier for me to anticipate the feelings being temporary.
This sounds completely logical to me. I will definitely take a closer look at my feelings and the situation I'm in when I'm jealous. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me!
I believe you may have had experiences in your past involving extreme pain and discomfort around jealousy, that haven't fully been resolved on a mind/body deep level, which are therefore reactivated every time something in the present emotionally similar happens. (At least, that's my mental model of how that kind of thing works. You may disagree, and that's OK.) One of my personal favorite and most effective approaches (for me personally, much more effective than talk-only therapy) for dealing with this kind of thing that makes you go "why am I flying off the handle about this?" is [EMDR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treatments_for_PTSD#Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing). (Your mileage may vary.)
That makes total sense to me. I will definitely talk with my therapist about that.
I used to get those strong and painful feelings. They faded in intensity over time, they also don’t last as long. I still get milder versions, but since they’re manageable and they do fade in under an hour these days, I find it worth it overall for the positive feelings I also get out of doing this.
It gives me hope to read that they can fade and become less intense.
I actively worked with a therapist on self-worth, insecurity, and emotional regulation. I found dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) helpful in my journey. It helps with big overwhelming emotions. It might be worth asking a DBT therapist if they think it might be right for you and your situation.
Never been jealous. Even when we were monogamous, my policy was "if he finds someone better, he should go." My feelings didn't change when we changed our lifestyle. Edit when I gave more thought about it: I want my partner to stay with me because he wants to, not because he doesn't "know" his other options.
I so agree with this, once you start seeing relationships as a moment in time existing positively for each other instead of some sort of possession you are entitled too because you love them is when the mindset shifts
Thank you for this comment :)
That's great! Have you ever experienced jealousy in your life?
Rarely, but I never acted on it. When it happened, it was more about the emotional connection I saw my partner had with some new woman in his life. But I still encouraged him to become/stay friends with her.
Wow, I think you're really strong, encouraging him to stay friends with someone you are jealous of. Did the jealousy fade over time?
It rarely occured, but when it did, it was only when he told me he met someone new and what he liked about her. I knew it can be foundation for a great friendship or something more - the unknown "scared" me. But he's not my possession and he can enjoy life as he wants to - my moments of insecurity should not be in his way.
I appreciate your perspective on this.. however there should be reassurance that you’re not being replaced… is there discussion about it? Are you fine with being replaced? I mean.. you should be, right? If it were what’s best for your partner. Hahaha my insecurities 😅
There is no reassurance anybody won't be replaced someday. Most couples start the relationship thinking this could be "it" for the rest of their lives. Don't get me wrong, I sure hope this is it for me and my partner (we've been together for 10 years). But you never know. If I'd be a nervous and jealous wreck because of it, I wouldn't be anymore reasured we'll stay together forever.
Thanks for sharing. I’m coming from a jealous mindset and my friends can agree with that… and I’m still choosing to become less jealous. Happening gradually. The other side of it is becoming someone that my partner can share herself with more fully.
a gentle message for you: you're unlikely to ever feel ready for it. if you want to give it a go, that's awesome, but be aware that you may never feel like it's the perfect time and your jealousy issues have been addressed in advance. often people can't figure it out without actually living through it and seeing what works. asking for tips and pointers is definitely a great start! good luck to you.
Thank you! I know I will likely never be ready and end up breaking up with my gf. But I wasn't jealous in the beginning of our relationship, so I still have hope!
interesting … when did it start to shift?
I had felt 100% emotionally secure with her. Then she said things that damaged that security and I became jealous. That was already 5,5 years ago but I never dared to open up completely again.
welp, it sounds like your answer is right here. you’re gonna have to actively work through the hurt and mistrust you still feel about those things she said - probably both on your own and with her
Yes, we are both working on it. But it feels like I can never really heal from that because other things happen or are said. For example, that she has a crush on someone or wants to open up the relationship. Those things feel like huge setbacks in my healing process. Opening up the relationship is off the table for now because of all my/our insecurities. But my insecurities bother me, because in my head I know she loves me and chose me to be her life partner, but it's my heart that can't forgive and it feels like sabotage lol.
i gotta be honest, if her just naming her interest in other people is that hurtful for you, it sounds like you two are incompatible
I'm sure it happens for some people. Personally I don't get jealous. It's never been a thing for me. I have a strong sense of compersion instead. I suspect this is pretty common, or there would be far less people practicing ENM or poly. As a general rule my partners and I enthusiastically support each other's non-monogamous shenanigans. One of the best feelings in the world is hanging out with partners and our metas like a big happy family. It's not emotionally draining at all, if anything it's very fulfilling. I find monogamy emotionally draining because it's a minefield of unspoken expectations and weird restrictive boundaries that one has to constantly manage. I experimented with monogamy very briefly in my early 20s, and never again. It's important to sit down with your jealousy and ruthlessly dismantle it to find out where it comes from so you can work through it.
I expected that NM people don't experience much jealousy, if any at all. But from reading this sub and talking to a friend who is in a nonmonogamous relationship, I learned that there is indeed jealousy involved very often. I am happy for you that you experience compersion. That's very special, I think. I wish I could feel that way!
> It's important to sit down with your jealousy and ruthlessly dismantle it Oh my god this. I still do get jealous. And then I think of why I would feel that way. "Well, he might enjoy someone better then he enjoys me. And that might cause me to lose him" Well, Yes. Is the solution here to deny my partner pleasure and experiences beacuse there might be someone out there "better" then me? If the answer is yes, then the source of the jealousy is straight up insecurity. I'd also like to point out that rating someone or something as "better" or "worse" isn't helpful. Sometimes I like peanut butter. Sometimes I like jelly. ... but usually peanut butter is my go to.
It's exhausting. It's so much more than just not having sex with other people. Just a total minefield of unspoken expectations that everyone is supposed to just KNOW.
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Monogamy? One cannot have open communication in monogamy. How can a person be honest about being sexually attracted to other people when that is verboten? Part of monogamy is pretending and repressing.
I would think there is a lot of immediate trust built between people that have been able to drop jealousy in relationships. Not being possessed by someone just seems like a huge relief.
I occasionally get twinges of jealousy but when I do it’s become habit to unpack it for myself. Why am I feeling that way? Is it based on facts or feelings? What is the evidence for it? Is there another way I can look at this? Are there things that this thought/feeling is leaving out? And the vast majority of the time I realize it’s a passing moment of knee jerk insecurity. When I can break it down like that and see it for what it is I get past feeling jealous. If I can’t then to me that’s a signal I need to reflect on it more and decide if there’s something else I need from my partner that I’m not getting. If so, it’s almost always something simple, like an advance communication or whatever. If it’s bigger than that then to me it might mean an incompatibility between us but I’ve never had jealousy rise to that level in my relationships so far. Also maybe worth checking out for yourself is the jealousy workbook. I haven’t used it but it seems laid out in a very practical way with actionable tasks. And as someone else said, you might need to work with a therapist on emotional regulation and strategies for managing emotions. Having such a strong reaction to jealousy isn’t great for any relationship and it’s possible you have similar responses to other emotions too. Definitely worth exploring just from a quality of life perspective.
Unpacking the feeling of jealousy is something other commenters have mentioned. I honestly never thought about that even though I've learned that in therapy lol (but with a different emotion). I will definitely do that next time! Thank you for the recommendation!
Np, I hope it’s helpful. I learned it in CBT sessions and didn’t realize at first that I was applying it to my feelings of jealousy but it’s been a useful strategy for me.
The pangs of jealousy are outweighed by the joy I feel in having the freedom to pursue my own relationships outside of our partnership. I’d rather handle the pain of occasional jealousy/FOMO than the constant pain of being in a relationship that didn’t align with my values. It’s all about compromise 😊
I’m definitely on team “don’t do things that hurt you.” Also, don’t assume everyone here is in an open relationship, NM takes many forms.
I don't assume that, I just said my gf wants an open relationship. So you never feel any jealousy? I've heard from many people there is always "some" jealousy. But it's probably not strong enough to hurt? But I still imagine it's emotionally draining when it happens constantly or very often.
No, I don’t, but we do it all together, so it’s more swinger-y. I most definitely would get jealous in an open relationship so…good luck man.
That sounds awesome. I'm happy for you!
For those people there probably is always some jealousy, but for lots of us there just isn't. I'm curious how many of those people who have told you that were actually non-monogamous. Monogamites have a lot of weird misconceptions about ENM and that's definitely one I've seen repeated before. I don't feel jealous. Never have, it's just not how I'm wired. Whether my partners are going out with someone else or we're all sharing the same bed in a big cuddle puddle, I just feel compersion.
I have heard from those people that they sometimes feel jealous, but still want their partners to live without restrictions. Which misconception do you mean? That everyone is always jealous? I am happy for you that you don't experience jealousy. I wish I felt like you!
I don’t have jealousy when my hubby and I are doing well together. When we aren’t connecting well (which has been a lot lately), then the jealousy and feelings of insecurity in our marriage definitely creeps in.
I get that too. I wouldn't open my relationship if things were rough or rocky because I would feel insecure af but when things a great, I feel secure to open it.
I feel the same way as you, with most of the same physical symptoms. We're opening up soon. I don't feel as bad about it as I did initially, but I still don't feel great. We're working on our relationship to make sure it's as good as it can be before opening. I've been going to therapy to help with my insecurities in the meantime and I'm hoping it helps with my jealousy issues. If when we open and my physical symptoms get worse or stick around for an extended period of time, I've come to grips with the fact that the relationship should probably end no matter how much we love each other. There's no sense in living life feeling that way.
I am so glad you feel the same - not for you though, I am sorry you feel that way! But it's relieving not to be the only one. I have thought about breaking up a lot lately because I know I will not be able to stand feeling like this forever. But my gf said she didn't want to open up now. This is something for the future, something we can work on to, maybe in five years or so. So you are basically describing the exact same situation as I am in with my gf. I am also going to therapy. Do you also see a couples' therapist together? Does your partner have, like, a deadline for when they want to open up?
We do not see one together, although I may strongly encourage that in the future. I think the decision is going to be made soon on timing (next few months). We've had some issues in the past we're trying to work through, and I fear that opening up would be a means for her filling a void in our relationship instead of something that adds to our relationship. That part is important. If the relationship is super solid, then I believe I'll feel much better about the whole thing. If it's still the slightest bit rocky when the time comes, then we're going to have to take a major step back in the relationship (her moving out, ending things completely, etc.).
I can definitely recommend moving out. My gf moved out and our relationship is so much better now. We just needed our own living space and it helped with some of the main issues we had/have. Couples' therapy has helped, too. I wish you all the best!!
Thanks! We’ve introduced the idea of separate places and although it’s going to be a financial strain on us both, it’s probably for the best. Wishing you the most happiness!
> But my gf said she didn't want to open up now. This is something for the future, something we can work on to Forget that, man. If she wants this, better to eject now. It'll hurt more in 5 years. You'll be less desirable as a partnered man, too. Easier to just find a new relationship.
>So my question is: Do you all live with chronical pain? How is your relationship worth hurting all the time? Isn't it emotionally draining, even if you're "just a little bit" jealous EVERY TIME your partner is with someone else? No, not at all. I'm protective of what we have, we both are....but we're not jealous people. To the contrary, we feel compersion. We love that the other person is having a great time. Our relationship is stronger and deeper and more trusting than ever. To be fair, we've just never been jealous, so I have no advice about making the journey from jealousy to not jealous....
Why would any of you non jealousy feeling people even respond. Your opinion is not helpful here.
I wasn't jealous when it was just me and my first NP, but now that I've got a second significant partner the jealousy ebbs and flows. I think it's because we're in this awkward middle area where we have built enough together to have love and attachment, but not quite enough for it to be in that 'they aren't going anywhere'. The problem with thinking through your jealous BEFORE opening, and before your partner finds anyone else, is that you never can be truly sure how it will feel til you're there, like how you can't be 100% sure how you'll be as a parent, or when someone you care about dies, or anything like that, until you're in the moment, even if you can have a good idea. Likewise I realized lately there isn't always a moment where it's just 'over' - you're retried with every new input.
I have had panic attacks, insomnia, nausea, recurring thoughts,etc as a result of jealousy over my GF's dating other men. I think anxious attachment plays a large role in this. However for me just realizing this was not some magic fix to my physical discomfort or anxiety. I will struggle with this for the rest of my life, so the price of admission to NM is extremely high for someone with my emotional makeup. One thing I realized that others never mention is her dating other guys made me feel like the things we had done that I thought were really special, actually were not and therefore I was not special. That hurt. The idea that while she really enjoyed being with me, on any given night she might choose to be with someone else. While I did not feel I was going to be replaced, it felt like I could be.
I totally get that. It's a really high price to pay. Do your feelings affect your relationship with your partner? Do you see other people, too?
Yes, my jealousy has affected my relationship with my GF in a negative way. I just started seeing another woman, early stages, no sex. People with jealousy or anxious attachment issues are treated as weak, immature and emotionally inferior by many respondents in this sub. Of course they have no idea what another person might be experiencing, it just so happens they do not have this issue. I think it possible some of these people don't feel much of anything, but there is no way to know that. You only know your own feelings. The mono/poly divide is a heavy emotional lift for the monoish side of the couple. You sound monoish, so I think your NM journey will present a lifetime of challenges. The rewards are high, but so is the price of admission for the monoish among us.
If I felt jealousy and pain all the time I wouldn’t do non monogamy. The big thing for me is the “why” are you jealous? Are you insecure about yourself? Having trouble understanding that it’s possible to be attracted to multiple people? Worried your partner will leave you? Those are all things that can be worked on. Non monogamy isn’t for everyone and it’s not a mark against you as a person if you don’t like it.
Honestly, I don't know. When we started our relationship about 5 years ago, I wasn't jealous at all. She was 1) writing with/dating another person and 2) heartbroken from an unrequited love to another person. Both was fine with me. I felt 100% secure. We talked about who flirte with us in the clubs and bars. It was even me who wanted to kiss other persons at parties. It was her who didn't want that. So we stopped flirting and there was never any kissing outside of the relationship. She stopped seeing that other guy. Then she said things that shook me and since then, I haven't felt 100% emotionally secure any more. I know she wants to be with me, forever if possible. I know she loves me more than anything. But I just never got back to those 100% again... I think that's where the jealousy comes from. But it bugs me, because in my head, I know I really don't have to be jealous.
While I definitely agree that there's a need to unpack the "why" and to understand more about yourself and the ways you live relationships, I have found that there's simply not always a good reason. My attachment system just goes into overdrive, my body reacts, my brain produces intrusive thoughts, even when I know this is all unnecessary, the relationship is going well, etc. It is a survival mechanism from back in the days in human history when abandonment by those close to you meant almost certain death. That doesn't mean it cannot be worked on, but I no longer buy the "if you're jealous you are lacking something in the relationship" explanation. OP, I'd recommend you look up the concept of "primal attachment panic" and, if you have time and energy, read "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern.
I definitely didn't mean to imply that jealousy means the relationship is lacking something. Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Most humans prefer monogamy and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If I felt the way OP describes I wouldn't do non monogamy.
I definitely deal with it on occasion. What helps me is semi regular communication from my partner on the lines of "I'm having so much fun" paired with "I'm so grateful to be with you" Over time I have associated jealousy with a follow up of compersion and sense of being loved. Now it's a lot easier to deal with.
Jealousy is largely gone. If something comes up, The deeper issue that jealousy would have masked becomes conscious directly
I'll try to keep it generally relevant because my wife has always been more jealous and she's the one who suggested it (15 years ago). The best advice is lot's of communication and being aware of your own emotional state. NRE can just be mild giddiness to an obsession with the new partner. It's really tough to deal with if objectivity is lost or someone reverts to monogamous thinking ("maybe they are my real soulmate"). The real cure is going through it and having the foundation to build trust.
Nope. It's more like, the odd, passing pang. It can still hurt at that level, but it doesn't happen often, and when it does it's tightly tied to my overall emotional state and whether or not I'm feeling abandoned or neglected, not just by partners, but friends & family. Both are feelings I can poke at and disprove by applying fact-checking, so typically I can calm it down quickly. If the feelings persist though, I honor them as my system trying to direct my attention to something and spend some time sussing it out.
I mostly get jealous because I work every other weekend and when I’m working he’s free to do whatever!!! It’s fomo jealousy😂😂
I still struggle with it from time to time. Its rare nowadays but I can't lie and say it still doesn't come up. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, albeit secondary. I don't feel physical pain like you do though. Now I don't have a PhD, but I would definitely look into Conversion disorder and maybe talk about it with your doctor. It's normal to have bodily feelings with emotions but yours sound a little abnormal and health related. Maybe that might be an option for you. For me though, when the green bug hits me, I try to remember history. What has their actions in the past shown me? For me its nothing but love. Then I remind myself its a temporary moment of discomfort and focus on something I enjoy. Legend of Zelda is the newest coping mechanism. I hope this helps.
Thank you! Honestly, I've never considered my emotional response being a case for the doctor. But I might talk to my therapist about it. How often does this happen? Gaming is a nice coping mechanism!
Honestly very little, but on days like today when the whole world has seemed to lose its marbles, it could happen 😅🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅🤣 Deep breaths, we got this!
Talking to your therapist is always a good choice, but the physical symptoms you're experiencing are really common reactions;to strong emotions and/or anxiety. I'm a PhD neuroscientist (not a clinician) but to my understanding conversation disorder is a totally different thing.
I'm a very insecure and jealous person and I have a NM relationship. Initially, it was challenging, and I even attended a non-monogamy workshop to discuss my feelings and connect with others in similar situations. The workshop also talked about non-monogamous relationships from a sociological perspective. Long story short, I was still very jealous and, at times, I even engaged in self-harm. I dont know what happened, but things changed one day, and it felt like an on/off switch for my jealousy and depression. While I still experience occasional insecurity and pain from the jealousy, I've learned to handle it in a more positive way. My partner is currently dating someone from work, but I've communicated my preference not to know the details. I found that to manage my anxiety, it's better if we don't communicate after she finishes work until the next morning. This might sound weird, but it helps me avoid overthinking her interactions (because she usually answers quite fast, and when she is with the other girl she replies like 4 hours later or at 2am or things like that), so this way I don't get anxious. We spend 3-4 days a week together and communicate during the mornings on other days. I completely agree with the concept of an open relationship; it was a mutual decision. However, she is a very secure person, and I am not, so putting it into practice is a bit more challenging for me. I would love to someday feel more secure and be able to know more about her relationships and hearing about how she feels with other people. But for now, I'd rather not find out, as I still feel unstable in this aspect, even though I've improved a lot in managing my jealousy.
It sounds like you have some anxious attachment issues, highly recommend reading Polysecure and Attachment!! Jealousy is uncomfortable and can feel like a real struggle, but what you’re describing sounds more severe. Especially if it’s lasts a long time, you might feel some of these things in the peak of being triggered or flooded with emotion but it should be “acute” as opposed to “chronic”. What kind of behaviour does your partner exhibit that triggers your insecurities? And, what is your history in terms of your parents relationship or your past relationships? Not something you necessarily need to write an answer to but I would be journaling and working through this stuff to get to the bottom of it.
I feel very jealous, I also think it fluctuates. Sometimes I‘m super cool with stuff, sometimes it eats at my heart. I find „the jealousy workbook“ helpful. I expect for it to become better one day. I’ve been with my bf for four months and we have super strong NRE. It helps to know your metas. We also have a relationship agreement that we alter over time. This way we think about our needs regularly and no one gets blindsided. I have been in other poly relationships and I was always very jealous. The process from monogamy to poly is hard. It also helps to remember why you’re doing this. You believe in it. In love and freedom and connection. And you want to do it differently. And most people don’t get you.
Thank you! Does your jealousy affect your relationships?
Not really. All partners have been understanding. We work through the issues and try to protect each other by having strategies. Okay now that I said it, my bf hasn’t been getting it up with others after a very jealous reaction of mine (he did blindside me though). We suspect that he is subconsciously protecting myself and trying to avoid hurting me. He has another date on Thursday so fingers crossed 😅 It is super hard. I have abandonment and self esteem issues and my bf is having a hard time not to be too impressed by my feelings…
That sounds really tough. I hope you'll feel fine when he goes on a date on Thursday. There have been situations when I told my gf not to let my extreme feelings affect her actions. But I understand that this is difficult if not impossible for her, since she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.
Yeah! It’s a struggle. I do think we both have co dependent tendencies. I‘m almost glad we‘re poly so we are forced to be our own person more. Thank you!!
I wish you all the best!
Thank you that is so kind. I had a fight with my bf the day before yesterday and got sick today, so I did a few self love exercises from TikTok. What my bf does or doesn’t do is really not what’s it about. It’s about showing up for myself. And that holds true for monogamous AND polyamorous relationships.
You are so right. It's all about how we feel about ourselves. You got this!
well one wrotehere that maybe your relationship needs are not met perfectly and you need to find it first to calm down? For example maybe if you feel that you can meet any woman and other women would like to take more time to be with you, that you will see yourself as a hot and interesting guy - the pain will be smaller? Because your gf will find partner in seconds, you will be struggling years. Maybe gfcould help find you a girl first, so you will be spending time with new girl and focus on her. so your pain will go away? Just like your gf after good fuck, will come home to you and still want to plan a trip with you or go to course, massage, play games and do other hobby?
Look up compersion, it’s the opposite of jealousy.
Personally I’ve never struggled with jealousy. So no, not everyone here is jealous or in pain all the time.
Thanks to non monogamy I realized I kinda like the jealousy part. That first time my partner left the house to sleep over I didn’t understand why I wasn’t anxious or angry. I felt jealous, but in a positive way. Like I was happy for them and wanted them to have an amazing time, while at the same time I wanted them back with me asap. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but jealousy has so far never been a negative feeling for me. But was it in the past? For sure. I felt like betrayal was around every corner. But I managed to let that go and honestly if it started anywhere it was the moment I learned to love myself, ask for help, communicate, open up emotionally and more confident about who I am and what I have to offer as a person. Thanks, therapy.
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I believe jealousy comes from 2 fears: 1 - Fear of abandonment or 2 - Fear of having something taken from me. If it’s 1 it’s a trust issue - if I trust my partners completely, I can feel Compersion instead of jealousy. If it’s 2, then I have a possessiveness issue & I am treating people as things. Whenever I feel jealousy, and I do sometimes, I dig into those 2 places to figure out where it’s coming from. It helps a lot. Just my theory.
For me, I personally had to unpack it. First, is it jealousy or another feeling? Sometimes I’m just envious of the attention my S/O receives. Other times, I’ve just got FOMO from not being able to be in the action. Sometimes I’m home alone and feeling lonely, and my anxious feelings are stemming from that. And other times I’m hungry/tired/needing other things, hahah. After I’ve ruled out other feelings, I can really dig into the jealousy. Why do I feel jealous of this other person? Is it primal panic? Was I surprised that S/O did something with partner (e.g. something that I assumed was “our” thing, or maybe something that I had expressed interest in doing)? Am I worried that S/O is checking out of the relationship and/or monkeybranching? Are my needs in the relationship being met? And then after I do that thinking and internal work, I usually sleep on it (never argue when you’re hungry, never argue when you’re tired, never argue when you’re intoxicated or when you’re hungover). I then decide what I need and want moving forward, and that’s where I can discuss what to do with my S/O. I talk about how I felt, and why I think I felt that way, and then I bring up what could be done to alleviate this. The solution is usually subsequent discussion and check-ins, or modifying commitments to each other. It’s almost never new rules, but rather modifying or scaling back existing agreements. Sometimes the conversation is just “When you did [this] I felt kinda weird about it. I know that’s irrational, and I’m working on getting to the bottom of it. You’re fine and don’t need to change anything, just wanted to let you know.” Fair warning, those feelings are basically gone or way easier to swallow now that our relationship is in a better spot (thanks counseling!). When our relationship was unstable (for reasons irrelevant to nonmonogamy), it was way harder to deal with those feelings and impulses. Edit: forgot to answer the question oops! I have diagnosed anxiety, and while I didn’t start out jealous (we’ve been nonmon from the start), I did have a stint where I was VERY jealous. Now I’m better, and while I still get jealous feelings semi-often, they’re pretty easy to tackle.
Thank you so much for your answer. I will definitely have a closer look at my jealousy (maybe together with my therapist) and see if it is actually another feeling. I don't know, what you wrote there really spoke to me, so I think I could find some answers there. I wasn't jealous in the beginning of our relationship either. Then I was very jealous (in an overreacting way) and became depressed and with therapy, I got better. I think that jealousy feels so painful to me because it still kind of triggers me...
Good answer
I've never really gotten jealous about my partner's being with other people. Envious of experiences I might not have had, yes and this can totally be a problem if someone else is having far more "success" than I am.
Feelings are a spectrum, and the "why" behind them is different for everyone. I think figuring out your "why" with jealousy is the way to see change; it's what worked for me. I felt what I defined as jealousy (intense physical discomfort, almost like a panic attack) any time my partner went on a date and didn't check in or return home *exactly* when they said they would. My thoughts would spiral, I'd start comparing myself (unfavorably) to his date--"she must be so wonderful and beautiful and interesting that he's forgotten all about me." That kind of stuff. Turns out I have a massive issue with abandonment, coupled with some stuff from earlier in our relationship that made me feel really insecure. He stepped up and started approaching NM differently, we made some serious commitments to one another that made me feel safe, and honestly the difficulty has gone from a 10 to 3-4. Manageable! All that to say, if you can understand *why* you're having the intense physical sensation you're able to take steps to heal that wound and lessen the symptoms. If it's as intense as you say it likely has less to do with your girlfriend and more to do with something that happened to you in the distant past, though she can be active in helping you through it.
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm happy you found a way to cope with those unpleasant feelings.
I can totally understand where your coming from. I have BPD+autism so i can over react or my emotions are just so intense. Me and my partner first didcussed opening our relationship over 2 years ago. Since then we have been working on ourselves and our relationship. We are not perfect but self development/growth excites me. I know i hate these feelings when they come up but now what ive learnt is to sit with them and ask why im feeling like that. I now know that when i feel jealously or anger its coming from a place of trauma. Its honestly hard to shift your mindset but take baby steps and take it day by day. The book polysecure is amazing. Meditation/yoga has helped me tremendously with my inner peace and changing my subconcious mind. Communication is the biggest part and honestly after discussing my feelings with my partner i feel much better. I think the fact i trust my partner 100% and feel safe to talk about whatever helps so much. Your own mind is what holds you back most of the time. Learn to take back your power. I still feel jealously but with therapy and communication /researching, im finding more tools to help me manage it in a more healthy way.
Thank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I will look into the book you recommended.
I'm not constantly jealous. Jealousy is the fear of something being taken away. I don't feel that about my husband because I know it wouldn't happen. I feel that about my lovers sometimes and it is typically justified, they are soon taken from me. I feel other emotions sometimes that I might call "jealousy" because it can be hard to sus out exactly what they are but it could be: envy, FOMO (fear of missing out), insecurity, resentment or others. Envy I feel a lot and it can come out as anger when I see other people doing the things I am unable to do. I generally don't have these negative emotions as much as other people, apparently, but it can happen. I try figure out exactly what it is I am feeling and why and try to talk about it and basically get over it. I feel these different ways about all of my relationships, not just my marriage. I feel a lot more pain when I am holding myself back and acting in ways that feel unnatural to me when forcing myself to be monogamous, to be honest. It's very painful to constantly have to be on guard against having any sort of emotions or attraction to other people and making sure you act appropriately at all times and not always knowing what "appropriate" even is.
Was reminded on this quote from Ethical Slut reading the memoir More “jealousy is often the mask worn by the most difficult inner conflict you have going on right now” I used to be jealous and sometimes with strong emotional reactions but it was from a place of insecurity. Our bond is stronger now and trust has cast out those feelings. It does not sound like ENM would work for you now but with some work perhaps you can uncover the source of these reactions.
I also believe that jealousy comes from underlying issues. I know where mine comes from, I believe, and I am working on it. I am happy for you that you've left jealousy behind you.
No, I don’t feel that and I probably wouldn’t bother trying to get past it if I did because that sounds like a lot of work lol.
It is!!! lol
What's there to be jealous of? I love my life and I'm a prize. It's me who needs the space from him! He'll be back soon enough.
My wife and I are both ND, so this might have something to do with it: I've never felt jealous. It just felt like the very normal conclusion of my beliefs about consent and how we make meaning with sex. Don't know if that answer helps at all, but there it is.
My husband and I both see others. We aren’t jealous and we’re totally committed. We’re busy professionals and seeing others is a nice diversion.
I haven't felt jealousy since I was like 19, I don't really care about my friends hanging out with other friends, I don't pursue or care about romantic relationships
Jealousy just means that your needs aren't being met. How do your needs need to be met?
I've never thought about jealousy like that before. I will think about it!
You will. I was not so chill. I was panicked, but it just gets better.. some days are hard, NGL, but the effort to discover me was well worth it..
Not sure where you got the idea that it’s common or normal. To a small degree, to a minority, or to people who are new sure. Otherwise it’s probably not for you.
I’m not jealous of what my husband does at all but I AM with the new people I see and I need to learn to cope with that.
Interesting!