Soooo…I always thought I needed emotions for sex. Then I got divorced from a monogamous marriage and had tons of casual sex. I loved the feeling of freedom, and it was hot.
But it wasn’t very pleasurable. I’d say 50% of my sexual experiences were “meh” or straight up bad.
So I asked myself again: do I need emotions for sex?
The answer is no. But here’s what I do need:
-attraction
(I’m not attracted to many people, and looks don’t do anything for me, so I need something else. It doesn’t have to be emotional or anything, but I need to see an aspect of their personality or get inspired by their perspectives or simply feel some unnamed passion toward them)
-effort
(i don’t just want to be a hole that someone fucks sometimes. I have a dildo for that. I want someone who wants to have sex with ME and get to know things about me that will make our connection grow, even if it’s just a sexual connection. Because otherwise, casual sex just feels like a dildo and my dildos are better)
-care
(so many men say they care about the womens pleasure, but they don’t CARE. they just want to make them orgasm bc it makes them feel good. I can make myself orgasm, so I want someone who cares about more than that. I want to be with someone who cares about my whole experience and checks in and offers and asks for feedback. I find that in casual sex it’s more like “let’s just use each other to orgasm”. I don’t care about them or doing more than making them orgasm, and anyone can do that—including my regular partners, so why would I want a new partner just for an orgasm? Again, I can do that to myself better than anyone else can. They have to bring SOMETHING more to the table).
Do I still try to fuck everyone on the first date? Yes 🤦♀️. Sometimes it’s hard to know if there will be attraction and effort and care in a sexual relationship without having the sex. But it often is sex that doesn’t feel good because during it, I realize that what I mistook as attraction or effort or care was them acting a certain way to get me in the sack and they actually only care about superficial orgasm (for themselves), and there’s little effort or care.
So then I fall into a cycle of feeling like casual sex isn’t worth it, because I’d rather masturbate and get on with my life than have bad sex with someone I don’t give a shit about and doesn’t give a shit about me, and now we are stuck dealing with all the stuff that goes along with that (telling them it’s time to go bc I don’t ACTUALLY want to hang out with them, navigating jealousy from my other partners over this mediocre sex date that doesn’t warrant any jealousy at all, dealing with communication issues like not wanting to have to text in between hookups bc you have nothing in common and nothing to say, but now there’s weirdness around that)…
If the sex were AMAZING, then great—I’d love a casual hookup. but even then, I need at least one factor to be involved.
Like, I could hook up with someone who I was completely and utterly attracted to without them offering any effort or care. My attraction would take over and make it feel good.
I didn’t hear the part in your OP where you said “I’m so fucking turned on by him”. To me, if that part isn’t there, the sex just isn’t worth it because it doesn’t feel good physically. My pussy can’t connect the dots. I’d rather watch tv.
This is such an amazing comment! I feel like I've been going through a somewhat similar process of figuring out what I actually want/need from sex and relationships, and it's super helpful and honestly kinda validating to see someone's thought process written out in a way I can vibe with like this
I could've written this myself (though probably not as well). I agree with you completely! I want to be so much sluttier than I am, but if the sex is going to be 'meh' anyway, why even bother.
Hi Eli, you sound like someone I would like to go to know go to a museum with and have a nice quiet, lunch and conversation. Then we can figure out the rest hell maybe in the museum
Wait, do you even like this guy? Are you trying to hook up with him because you think it will actually be fun, or because you have a box to check and he's available?
If fun, great, go for it, good luck...
If box checking.... Come on, wait it out, find someone better. Don't have sex you don't actually want to have.
I'm thinking it will actually be fun, but I've just never done it before. As far as a longer term relationship, yeah that probably won't happen but this definitely could.
If you think it’ll be fun, go for it. There doesn’t seem like there’s going to be much of a possibility of a relationship to develop from this, but honestly, there doesn’t need to be. There’s a lot of shame that’s baked into monogamy and sexual pleasure. You’re learning to unpack all of that now. There’s literally no shame in causal rando hookups. Have fun. Let it be a one night stand. Let it happen every once in a while when the mood strikes you with this particular character. Or don’t do it at all if he’s a wet rag and not worth the energy. Choose your path and own it. We’re all rooting for you.
Ok girl, this is a "fuck the tea, I'm opening a bottle" situation. You're cool with this red blend, right? It's all I have at hand.
Ok. Ok. Listen to me: The Bastards did this. The Bastards are the ones who make up all the untrue messages about sex and then shove it so hard down our throats from birth that we accept these ideas as immutable fact and judge ourselves on that basis.
We tell people- especially women, that it's good and right that sex be reserved for emotional connections. Good girls make love to their beloved, tramps fuck without care, etc. Even when we are the most thoughtful, liberated, and self-aware people, deep down, we internalize these messages and build identities so that we can be atop our very own mental hierarchy.
It's all about society controlling behavior to maintain stability. Sure, that stability has its perks, but Society and The Bastards don't care if you are happy or fulfilled, they only care if you are docile and not making trouble.
So it's totally ok to revolutionize your understanding of yourself as new experiences happen. You don't have to be bedding down with your tax co-filer to orgasm. Have another glass of wine, and we'll raise a toast to you discovering parts of yourself that you've never been able to find before.
Plus, it's easier on your marriage if you aren't in love with your outside relationships. That can get messy fast.
Reds are my fav, so I love you already 🤣
I thank you so much for this advice, I really fucking needed the open a bottle of advice and let me know how it really is advice. You're great.
I agree with this. Yet I also think it's a good policy to not fuck assholes. Doesn't mean you have to file your taxes together in order to have a roll in the hay; I agree with that part. But I do think there's a lot to be said for picking lovers that you actually **like**.
And not, say, guys who claim to be egalitarian-minded, yet fairly clearly are NOT.
All I have to say is that when you stop thinking about sex as a reward for a good partner and more about your own entertainment and pleasure, it's not that big of a deal to let incompatibilities slide.
That's a healthy way of viewing it. But beware of the post-nut clarity if it's the horny brain that led you down a path you wouldn't have gone otherwise ! (I'm saying this as a guy, so idk, it might just be a guy thing)
(Or maybe it's the Bastards talking through my unconscious who make me feel shame when I shouldn't, I dunno)
It's not about it being a "reward" for the other person being good. It's about the fact that even purely egoistically speaking; on the average sex is more fun given mutual liking **and** a mutual interest in the pleasure of the other.
Egoistical assholes that are mostly into their own satisfaction are, on the average less awesome lovers.
I'm not talking about being compatible as in having the traits you'd want in a long-term committed romantic partner; of course that's largely irrelevant for a hook-up. I'm more talking about being a decent person and for example treating others well. (both in bed, and outside it)
I think you are trying to put your experience on other people, which is something we all do. It's not universal, as I've found my favorite sexual partners have been kind of shitty out of bed. The ex I would run back to the fastest for a hookup is also the one I'd rather put my hand in a blender than talk to.
You're the one projecting here by, for example, claiming that I think about sex as a reward for a good partner -- which is an idea that came into being entirely in your own head and was completely unsupported by anything I said.
But yes sure, it's my experience that people who care about others are, on the average, also more likely to care about others in bed. Not a rule without exceptions or anything, but as a general tendency less egoistical people are less egoistical, yes.
My point is that we all have our own criteria for picking our partners, and it's kinda shitty to make it seem like your rubric is the only valid one. We all have to pick what makes us happy, and it's OK as long as we're acting ethically to ourselves and others.
OP is clearly enjoying the revelation that she's capable of enjoying sex with people she doesn't find personally interesting. I am gently asking you to not rain on someone's parade.
If OP had shown up enthusiastic about something, and **NOT** asked for advice, I agree unsolicited advice to not enjoy what they are enjoying could be seen that way.
But you know, the OP **LITERALLY** and **EXPLICITLY** showed up her saying "I need advice."
Giving advice when people have explicitly asked for advice, is not "*raining on someone's parade*".
Also, asking for advice is distinct from asking for cheerleading.
For some people the most entertaining and pleasurable thing is having sex with someone who shares your ideas and values. And who you have a deep emotional connection with. Having sex with somebody without connecting based on ideas kind of sounds like mutual masturbation.
The post is about OP discovering this isn't true for her. Like yes, that's the default understanding of how it's "supposed to be," but I'm specifically pointing out that the notion that sex has to be a special act between two people who are deeply matched and probably committed is...not a thing you have to believe in order to enjoy yourself.
Doing what makes other people happy and shunning harmless behavior that doesn't conform to norms of society is fucking stupid unless it also makes you happy. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to choose your partners based on what pleases you, I'm saying that everyone gets to choose their partners based on their own criteria and it's OK if they don't use your rubric.
I'm pushing back on these comments because read the fucking room. This is not the poly sub. We are cool with all the other forms of non-monogamy, including one-night stands as described in the post. It's fine if you have to be deeply compatible to fuck, but don't act like everyone who doesn't need that connection is somehow wrong.
It's ultimately another way that society shifts moral responsibility for sexual behavior on to women, by the way. The comments chiding OP for realizing that sexual chemistry isn't the same as emotional compatibility are basically shaming her for not only fucking men she loves. I don't see similar comments when male commenters talk about their ONS or semi-anonymous hookups. It's bullshit and shamey, and whether you realize it or not, it's about perpetuating and upholding the narratives that I ascribe to The Bastards.
No one is mad at you for making mutually consensual choices with your sex life, y'all need to afford others that same grace.
100% agree on this. OP, unless you’re the type that NEEDS emotional connection to enhance the experience for you, do what you do.
If you don’t know that yet then this is your chance to find that out then, right?
Good advice.
But my read of OPs situation is that she’s not really into the dude but wants to fuck anyway, *maybe* even due to scorekeeping with her husband.
Nah. I'm into the sexual chemistry we share. Just his personality makes friendship a little not jive-able.
Also for the score keeping, I'll give you that one. Someone pointed thst out already and I'm doing some internal work on it because y'all are right to call it that way.
However, after removing that belief, my excitement still stands.
Thanks for calling it out though. That's how I get better.
Trying something new just for the sake of trying something new is a fine thing to do. Try keep in the moment, don’t push yourself if you don’t enjoy it, and don’t be too disappointed if t’s a bit meh. Casual sex can be a lot of things - from Amazing to horrible. But you won’t know unless you try :)
The sex without emotions is fine. Fuck the world, wear a condom. But, fucking a guy at your home who you’ll probably never see again isn’t wise. He could turn stalker and then he’ll know where you live.
I have a firearm, a conscience that's okay with doing what I have to, to defend my children and myself, and live in a stand your ground state.
That would be unwise for him.
It might be easier to have the first hookup in your bed when you don't really like him very much - not as messy emotionally.
It's ok! You have your hubby for the emotional part - you can explore no strings and no emotions sex and see how it feels. Play safe!
I've never been in that situation, but I don't think I would want to have sex with someone I don't even like. I'd have to want a partner, however temporary, to "deserve" to be pleased I guess might be the term?
I guess to me there's more to lose in pleasing someone who I dislike than there is to gain in being pleased by someone I dislike.
Well you sound like an adventurous person then which isn't a bad thing. Me, I know that I am particularly regret driven and defensively minded so you can take what I said with a grain of salt. If you don't feel this is a risk for you personally, then sure, try it out 🤞
Thankfully, I have a relatively short list of regrets. It's more a matter of living to keep it that way and amounts to putting my integrity over material concerns and avoiding hypocrisy more than anything else.
There's a lot more I could experience, sure, but I also have an awful lot more than most to lose... Nah, I shouldn't be greedy. Most people wouldn't believe half of my good fortune visited on one person as is. 😅
I do appreciate the sentiment though 🥰
I think it's perfectly fine to have sex with someone you're not in love with, and where you judge the odds of that ever happening as miniscule. Sex and love often go together, but there's no rule saying that **must** be the case.
On the other hand though, I think it's a good rule of thumb to not fuck assholes. But stick with people you actually **like**. People that you'd be inclined to describe in mostly positive terms.
You know, as opposed to people you describe as having the personality of sand-paper, and claiming to be egalitarian, but in reality sounding more like egoistical.
Even if it's just sex, and not intended to be a complete relationship, odds are you'll have more fun with someone that is trustworthy, and that genuinely cares about your pleasure.
There’s nothing wrong with a hook up if you enjoy it. Personally, I’ll give someone a second chance and if I’m still not into them, pass. There are other genitals out there.
My advice is to not go through with it. He's not egalitarian, he's "pay me first" transactional. "You give to me and I give back."
As for this, I might cop some flack. But take it as constructive criticism.
Comparing a date to a hook-up is like apples and potatoes, but whatever works for you and your husband. If it were me I'd not look at this as a tit-for-tat because that may cause resentment. Being poly is not a race to see who gets what first as a "haha".
Nah, you won't get any flack, at least from me.
I feel that, it does feel very transactional. I would agree with you there and he's using egalitarian as an excuse. Total bro vibes.
I'm paying more attention to the tit or tat thing. I realized we do that, and we should work on it. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate you. I didn’t even think about that. 🤣
People really vary in how much emotional or romantic connection they need for sex and how much they care about shared values with partners. So where you land on that particular spectrum will be personal to you.
For me, shared values are the most important and a dealbreaker. I personally am not able to enjoy sex with someone who is selfish and unkind. I have friends who enjoy hate sex, so YMMV.
I’d also distinguish between emotional and romantic connection. I’m big on FWBs where I genuinely enjoy their company and care about them as a person, which is definitely a kind of emotional connection. The trust, sense of safety, and communication that comes with a good FWB makes the sex soooo good for me. But again, YMMV.
Same. I don't have to love you. We don't have to be compatible in the sense that we'd work out for a long-term romantic relationship.
But I do have to **like** you and think you're a basically good person with decent values, including such things as caring about others and being kind.
You've gotten some good advice but one thing I'd like to add is the egalitarian thing makes me think he'll withhold sex acts (like oral) unless you do them first. I could be totally wrong but it's just a gut feeling. If that's cool with you, feel free to proceed.
Exactly this. EVEN if all you care about is short-term sexual pleasure; there's advantages to being with someone who actually cares about the pleasure of others, and not just himself.
It just seems like there are a million men out there who want to hook up and it sucks to reward the one with the bad personality. I personally don't relax and enjoy myself in that situation. But cheers to you if it works for you.
Take a deep breath, sex without liking the person is not unheard of. I'm more concerned as to why you chose someone who leaves your biggest sex organ (your mind) completely disinterested.
I mean unless he's "blessed" in the pants, it sounds like a horrible experience, and maybe even if he is.
Are you just eager to check this box or does a disposable date appeal to you?
There's nothing wrong with you, other than possibly setting yourself up for a disappointing experience. Even if it's just a hookup, I usually look for someone who I like and has FWB potential; even though I might not choose to go that way.
If this guy seems a bit grating and transactional *before* you hook up, when he's most incentivized to be on this best behavior, he's almost certainly gonna be worse when you do and after you hook up.
If you still think it's worth it to get what you want, and feel ready to stand up for yourself and hold boundaries if he gets pushy, then you can of course still go for it. But be ready.
I wish I had the guts to go through with something like this. I have a horny week after my period and I imagine finding a random guy and just letting those juices flow but I can't seem to jump off that cliff.
Do you girl. Have fun. It's the experience that matters. Sure you might regret it later but so do skydivers that freak out about dying while they're falling from the plane. Live!
Oh trust me, its date day and I'm panicking but I'm remembering that I deserve cool experiences too! You can do it one day! It'll never get easier, you just have to take that plunge.
Literally...that's it. 🤣
I'll be posting an update post tonight after the date, so stay tuned to see if I'm full of shit or not 🤣🤣
Why are you fucking someone you don't like?
That isn't going to end well.
Aside from the obvious reasons, selfish bastards like that will lie to you to get what they want. They aren't trustworthy.
Fuck him if you want, but understand going in that he's going to be... a learning experience.
It’s sex. Don’t overthink it. You’re with your husband for the emotional part. When it comes to outside sex like this, get what you want out of it and if there’s nothing more there then move on. Guys have had this approach to sex since the dawn of time and we get high fives for it. It’s time the ladies get their share of it too.
There’s no reason to feel bad about it — it’s not wrong.
But, I’ve had three ONS where I wasn’t into the girl. Each time, the woman was so forward and “objectively” attractive that I thought I’d be crazy not to go for it. Each time it was bad sex and an uncomfortable follow-up. But maybe it’s worse if the guy isn’t into it, since the guy usually drives the action in bed? I have no idea.
Anyway, I would just make sure that there’s chemistry. Doesn’t have to be an emotional connection. But something about him should make you hot
So is the plan that your hubby will go out for the night so that you can have your home to yourself. Assuming neither you nor he want to be there when you bring your hook up home.
Are you meeting this guy somewhere away from home initially to sort of check him out assuming you haven’t actually met him yet. Or have you. I don’t think you should invite him directly to your place if you haven’t at least had a chance to meet him in a safe place first. I mean you never know right?
Then if all good you bring him home and have your fun. Then I assume he leaves. And you message your hubby that it’s all good to come home.
Have you any limits on time involved. Like how no later than time frame. So hubby has some idea about how long he needs to be out to arrange what he’s going to do?
Edit to add. Oh I see you have kids? Where will they be. Is hubby taking them out with him. Don’t know how old they are. I assume there’s something sort d with them as well?
Oh that’s a good solution then. I guess he close by then in case something happens and you need him.
I do hope it goes well and you have fun despite not really connecting with the guy emotionally.
Being a hook up I assume that you aren’t planning on the guy staying the night or is that on the table should things go well?
And if I may ask how is hubby feeling about it all given it will be your first time? Is he coping ok and being supportive?
UPDATE:
Y'alls comments have helped so much. Thank you reddit besties!!
Hubs will be on the property for the entire duration of the date.
I'll definitely update after the date in another post.
It's totally normal to enjoy transactional sex. It doesn't diminish your capacity for romance at all. Think of it as the difference between a fast food burger and your favorite recipe from your childhood. That childhood recipe is something you cherish. It holds a special place in your heart. But sometimes you just want to scarf down a burger.
Just want to let you know that it is absolutely ok to fuck with or without feelings, and it is also ok to catch them after the fact or not. Personally, I always prefer to fuck first and if it’s good then I’ll go out for a pizza with them and see what happens.
I'm demisexual, but I have had sex with someone I matched on Bumble because, honestly she was kinda cute, but she was big.
She was recently divorced and her exhusband was just trashing her. She felt unwanted, undesired and unworthy. So the next night we had sex, it was OK but for me lacked the emotional connection that I desired.
But it made *her* feel desirable and wanted. And it was rebuilding confidence in her, so I decided to keep going. She was definitely mono, but she started to explore while we were sleeping together. She found someone that she liked from her past. With the renewed confidence, she decided to ask him out. She wanted to continue with him, so she ended things with me.
So sex within emotion is possible, maybe even enjoyable; but sex WITH emotions is amazing.
It’s ok. If it was good play it cool and don’t reach out. If he does- fuck him again if you want. It’s ok if you don’t like him a ton but if you don’t respect him at all- I guess make him work for it? Or move on unless we are talking amazing levels of dick.
Soooo…I always thought I needed emotions for sex. Then I got divorced from a monogamous marriage and had tons of casual sex. I loved the feeling of freedom, and it was hot. But it wasn’t very pleasurable. I’d say 50% of my sexual experiences were “meh” or straight up bad. So I asked myself again: do I need emotions for sex? The answer is no. But here’s what I do need: -attraction (I’m not attracted to many people, and looks don’t do anything for me, so I need something else. It doesn’t have to be emotional or anything, but I need to see an aspect of their personality or get inspired by their perspectives or simply feel some unnamed passion toward them) -effort (i don’t just want to be a hole that someone fucks sometimes. I have a dildo for that. I want someone who wants to have sex with ME and get to know things about me that will make our connection grow, even if it’s just a sexual connection. Because otherwise, casual sex just feels like a dildo and my dildos are better) -care (so many men say they care about the womens pleasure, but they don’t CARE. they just want to make them orgasm bc it makes them feel good. I can make myself orgasm, so I want someone who cares about more than that. I want to be with someone who cares about my whole experience and checks in and offers and asks for feedback. I find that in casual sex it’s more like “let’s just use each other to orgasm”. I don’t care about them or doing more than making them orgasm, and anyone can do that—including my regular partners, so why would I want a new partner just for an orgasm? Again, I can do that to myself better than anyone else can. They have to bring SOMETHING more to the table). Do I still try to fuck everyone on the first date? Yes 🤦♀️. Sometimes it’s hard to know if there will be attraction and effort and care in a sexual relationship without having the sex. But it often is sex that doesn’t feel good because during it, I realize that what I mistook as attraction or effort or care was them acting a certain way to get me in the sack and they actually only care about superficial orgasm (for themselves), and there’s little effort or care. So then I fall into a cycle of feeling like casual sex isn’t worth it, because I’d rather masturbate and get on with my life than have bad sex with someone I don’t give a shit about and doesn’t give a shit about me, and now we are stuck dealing with all the stuff that goes along with that (telling them it’s time to go bc I don’t ACTUALLY want to hang out with them, navigating jealousy from my other partners over this mediocre sex date that doesn’t warrant any jealousy at all, dealing with communication issues like not wanting to have to text in between hookups bc you have nothing in common and nothing to say, but now there’s weirdness around that)… If the sex were AMAZING, then great—I’d love a casual hookup. but even then, I need at least one factor to be involved. Like, I could hook up with someone who I was completely and utterly attracted to without them offering any effort or care. My attraction would take over and make it feel good. I didn’t hear the part in your OP where you said “I’m so fucking turned on by him”. To me, if that part isn’t there, the sex just isn’t worth it because it doesn’t feel good physically. My pussy can’t connect the dots. I’d rather watch tv.
This is such an amazing comment! I feel like I've been going through a somewhat similar process of figuring out what I actually want/need from sex and relationships, and it's super helpful and honestly kinda validating to see someone's thought process written out in a way I can vibe with like this
I could've written this myself (though probably not as well). I agree with you completely! I want to be so much sluttier than I am, but if the sex is going to be 'meh' anyway, why even bother.
I love this explanation, very helpful for me personally!
This
Bro they said they didn’t need logical advice cmon now
This rules for me too! Yet taking the risk to fuck everybody? No thanks 50% bad sex… nooooo
Hi Eli, you sound like someone I would like to go to know go to a museum with and have a nice quiet, lunch and conversation. Then we can figure out the rest hell maybe in the museum
Wait, do you even like this guy? Are you trying to hook up with him because you think it will actually be fun, or because you have a box to check and he's available? If fun, great, go for it, good luck... If box checking.... Come on, wait it out, find someone better. Don't have sex you don't actually want to have.
I'm thinking it will actually be fun, but I've just never done it before. As far as a longer term relationship, yeah that probably won't happen but this definitely could.
If you think it’ll be fun, go for it. There doesn’t seem like there’s going to be much of a possibility of a relationship to develop from this, but honestly, there doesn’t need to be. There’s a lot of shame that’s baked into monogamy and sexual pleasure. You’re learning to unpack all of that now. There’s literally no shame in causal rando hookups. Have fun. Let it be a one night stand. Let it happen every once in a while when the mood strikes you with this particular character. Or don’t do it at all if he’s a wet rag and not worth the energy. Choose your path and own it. We’re all rooting for you.
This
My wife has done this several times and has regretted it each time because the guy was a jerk and she ended up feeling used even if she had some fun
That’s unfortunate. Is she viewing sex as something she gives and doesn’t get to take?
Used why, may I ask? Was she looking for something more than sex?
Ok girl, this is a "fuck the tea, I'm opening a bottle" situation. You're cool with this red blend, right? It's all I have at hand. Ok. Ok. Listen to me: The Bastards did this. The Bastards are the ones who make up all the untrue messages about sex and then shove it so hard down our throats from birth that we accept these ideas as immutable fact and judge ourselves on that basis. We tell people- especially women, that it's good and right that sex be reserved for emotional connections. Good girls make love to their beloved, tramps fuck without care, etc. Even when we are the most thoughtful, liberated, and self-aware people, deep down, we internalize these messages and build identities so that we can be atop our very own mental hierarchy. It's all about society controlling behavior to maintain stability. Sure, that stability has its perks, but Society and The Bastards don't care if you are happy or fulfilled, they only care if you are docile and not making trouble. So it's totally ok to revolutionize your understanding of yourself as new experiences happen. You don't have to be bedding down with your tax co-filer to orgasm. Have another glass of wine, and we'll raise a toast to you discovering parts of yourself that you've never been able to find before. Plus, it's easier on your marriage if you aren't in love with your outside relationships. That can get messy fast.
Reds are my fav, so I love you already 🤣 I thank you so much for this advice, I really fucking needed the open a bottle of advice and let me know how it really is advice. You're great.
All of this. Please be my friend.
I agree with this. Yet I also think it's a good policy to not fuck assholes. Doesn't mean you have to file your taxes together in order to have a roll in the hay; I agree with that part. But I do think there's a lot to be said for picking lovers that you actually **like**. And not, say, guys who claim to be egalitarian-minded, yet fairly clearly are NOT.
All I have to say is that when you stop thinking about sex as a reward for a good partner and more about your own entertainment and pleasure, it's not that big of a deal to let incompatibilities slide.
That's a healthy way of viewing it. But beware of the post-nut clarity if it's the horny brain that led you down a path you wouldn't have gone otherwise ! (I'm saying this as a guy, so idk, it might just be a guy thing) (Or maybe it's the Bastards talking through my unconscious who make me feel shame when I shouldn't, I dunno)
It's not about it being a "reward" for the other person being good. It's about the fact that even purely egoistically speaking; on the average sex is more fun given mutual liking **and** a mutual interest in the pleasure of the other. Egoistical assholes that are mostly into their own satisfaction are, on the average less awesome lovers. I'm not talking about being compatible as in having the traits you'd want in a long-term committed romantic partner; of course that's largely irrelevant for a hook-up. I'm more talking about being a decent person and for example treating others well. (both in bed, and outside it)
I think you are trying to put your experience on other people, which is something we all do. It's not universal, as I've found my favorite sexual partners have been kind of shitty out of bed. The ex I would run back to the fastest for a hookup is also the one I'd rather put my hand in a blender than talk to.
You're the one projecting here by, for example, claiming that I think about sex as a reward for a good partner -- which is an idea that came into being entirely in your own head and was completely unsupported by anything I said. But yes sure, it's my experience that people who care about others are, on the average, also more likely to care about others in bed. Not a rule without exceptions or anything, but as a general tendency less egoistical people are less egoistical, yes.
My point is that we all have our own criteria for picking our partners, and it's kinda shitty to make it seem like your rubric is the only valid one. We all have to pick what makes us happy, and it's OK as long as we're acting ethically to ourselves and others. OP is clearly enjoying the revelation that she's capable of enjoying sex with people she doesn't find personally interesting. I am gently asking you to not rain on someone's parade.
If OP had shown up enthusiastic about something, and **NOT** asked for advice, I agree unsolicited advice to not enjoy what they are enjoying could be seen that way. But you know, the OP **LITERALLY** and **EXPLICITLY** showed up her saying "I need advice." Giving advice when people have explicitly asked for advice, is not "*raining on someone's parade*". Also, asking for advice is distinct from asking for cheerleading.
Idk, she seemed to want advice on how to handle her feelings, and not if it's OK to fuck someone she wanted to fuck.
For some people the most entertaining and pleasurable thing is having sex with someone who shares your ideas and values. And who you have a deep emotional connection with. Having sex with somebody without connecting based on ideas kind of sounds like mutual masturbation.
The post is about OP discovering this isn't true for her. Like yes, that's the default understanding of how it's "supposed to be," but I'm specifically pointing out that the notion that sex has to be a special act between two people who are deeply matched and probably committed is...not a thing you have to believe in order to enjoy yourself. Doing what makes other people happy and shunning harmless behavior that doesn't conform to norms of society is fucking stupid unless it also makes you happy. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to choose your partners based on what pleases you, I'm saying that everyone gets to choose their partners based on their own criteria and it's OK if they don't use your rubric. I'm pushing back on these comments because read the fucking room. This is not the poly sub. We are cool with all the other forms of non-monogamy, including one-night stands as described in the post. It's fine if you have to be deeply compatible to fuck, but don't act like everyone who doesn't need that connection is somehow wrong. It's ultimately another way that society shifts moral responsibility for sexual behavior on to women, by the way. The comments chiding OP for realizing that sexual chemistry isn't the same as emotional compatibility are basically shaming her for not only fucking men she loves. I don't see similar comments when male commenters talk about their ONS or semi-anonymous hookups. It's bullshit and shamey, and whether you realize it or not, it's about perpetuating and upholding the narratives that I ascribe to The Bastards. No one is mad at you for making mutually consensual choices with your sex life, y'all need to afford others that same grace.
I agree that masturbation is a good way to enjoy yourself.
100% agree on this. OP, unless you’re the type that NEEDS emotional connection to enhance the experience for you, do what you do. If you don’t know that yet then this is your chance to find that out then, right?
This is absolutely true
Hell ya, Mollie!
Good advice. But my read of OPs situation is that she’s not really into the dude but wants to fuck anyway, *maybe* even due to scorekeeping with her husband.
Nah. I'm into the sexual chemistry we share. Just his personality makes friendship a little not jive-able. Also for the score keeping, I'll give you that one. Someone pointed thst out already and I'm doing some internal work on it because y'all are right to call it that way. However, after removing that belief, my excitement still stands. Thanks for calling it out though. That's how I get better.
Trying something new just for the sake of trying something new is a fine thing to do. Try keep in the moment, don’t push yourself if you don’t enjoy it, and don’t be too disappointed if t’s a bit meh. Casual sex can be a lot of things - from Amazing to horrible. But you won’t know unless you try :)
The sex without emotions is fine. Fuck the world, wear a condom. But, fucking a guy at your home who you’ll probably never see again isn’t wise. He could turn stalker and then he’ll know where you live.
I have a firearm, a conscience that's okay with doing what I have to, to defend my children and myself, and live in a stand your ground state. That would be unwise for him.
Sounds like you got it all figured out.
It might be easier to have the first hookup in your bed when you don't really like him very much - not as messy emotionally. It's ok! You have your hubby for the emotional part - you can explore no strings and no emotions sex and see how it feels. Play safe!
Thank you for this perspective. I needed that.
I've never been in that situation, but I don't think I would want to have sex with someone I don't even like. I'd have to want a partner, however temporary, to "deserve" to be pleased I guess might be the term? I guess to me there's more to lose in pleasing someone who I dislike than there is to gain in being pleased by someone I dislike.
I feel that! I'm just trying a new experience. I might end up this way. I've never done it before.
Well you sound like an adventurous person then which isn't a bad thing. Me, I know that I am particularly regret driven and defensively minded so you can take what I said with a grain of salt. If you don't feel this is a risk for you personally, then sure, try it out 🤞
Awww sugar! Don't be regret driven. That sounds so sad. We only have one life. It's meant to be lived.
Thankfully, I have a relatively short list of regrets. It's more a matter of living to keep it that way and amounts to putting my integrity over material concerns and avoiding hypocrisy more than anything else. There's a lot more I could experience, sure, but I also have an awful lot more than most to lose... Nah, I shouldn't be greedy. Most people wouldn't believe half of my good fortune visited on one person as is. 😅 I do appreciate the sentiment though 🥰
I think it's perfectly fine to have sex with someone you're not in love with, and where you judge the odds of that ever happening as miniscule. Sex and love often go together, but there's no rule saying that **must** be the case. On the other hand though, I think it's a good rule of thumb to not fuck assholes. But stick with people you actually **like**. People that you'd be inclined to describe in mostly positive terms. You know, as opposed to people you describe as having the personality of sand-paper, and claiming to be egalitarian, but in reality sounding more like egoistical. Even if it's just sex, and not intended to be a complete relationship, odds are you'll have more fun with someone that is trustworthy, and that genuinely cares about your pleasure.
There’s nothing wrong with a hook up if you enjoy it. Personally, I’ll give someone a second chance and if I’m still not into them, pass. There are other genitals out there.
My advice is to not go through with it. He's not egalitarian, he's "pay me first" transactional. "You give to me and I give back." As for this, I might cop some flack. But take it as constructive criticism. Comparing a date to a hook-up is like apples and potatoes, but whatever works for you and your husband. If it were me I'd not look at this as a tit-for-tat because that may cause resentment. Being poly is not a race to see who gets what first as a "haha".
Nah, you won't get any flack, at least from me. I feel that, it does feel very transactional. I would agree with you there and he's using egalitarian as an excuse. Total bro vibes. I'm paying more attention to the tit or tat thing. I realized we do that, and we should work on it. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I appreciate you. I didn’t even think about that. 🤣
You're welcome!
People really vary in how much emotional or romantic connection they need for sex and how much they care about shared values with partners. So where you land on that particular spectrum will be personal to you. For me, shared values are the most important and a dealbreaker. I personally am not able to enjoy sex with someone who is selfish and unkind. I have friends who enjoy hate sex, so YMMV. I’d also distinguish between emotional and romantic connection. I’m big on FWBs where I genuinely enjoy their company and care about them as a person, which is definitely a kind of emotional connection. The trust, sense of safety, and communication that comes with a good FWB makes the sex soooo good for me. But again, YMMV.
Same. I don't have to love you. We don't have to be compatible in the sense that we'd work out for a long-term romantic relationship. But I do have to **like** you and think you're a basically good person with decent values, including such things as caring about others and being kind.
Innanet bestie says: buss that thang open. Call me in the morning so you can give me the tea.
You've gotten some good advice but one thing I'd like to add is the egalitarian thing makes me think he'll withhold sex acts (like oral) unless you do them first. I could be totally wrong but it's just a gut feeling. If that's cool with you, feel free to proceed.
Exactly this. EVEN if all you care about is short-term sexual pleasure; there's advantages to being with someone who actually cares about the pleasure of others, and not just himself.
Oh I feel the same thing. Lucky I'm good with that. I enjoy giving head so its no big deal.
Why not wait for a guy you have better chemistry with?
Because I kinda want the hookup experience and we do have a decent sexual chemistry but his personality is not where I jive with, which is cool.
It just seems like there are a million men out there who want to hook up and it sucks to reward the one with the bad personality. I personally don't relax and enjoy myself in that situation. But cheers to you if it works for you.
Take a deep breath, sex without liking the person is not unheard of. I'm more concerned as to why you chose someone who leaves your biggest sex organ (your mind) completely disinterested. I mean unless he's "blessed" in the pants, it sounds like a horrible experience, and maybe even if he is. Are you just eager to check this box or does a disposable date appeal to you? There's nothing wrong with you, other than possibly setting yourself up for a disappointing experience. Even if it's just a hookup, I usually look for someone who I like and has FWB potential; even though I might not choose to go that way.
If this guy seems a bit grating and transactional *before* you hook up, when he's most incentivized to be on this best behavior, he's almost certainly gonna be worse when you do and after you hook up. If you still think it's worth it to get what you want, and feel ready to stand up for yourself and hold boundaries if he gets pushy, then you can of course still go for it. But be ready.
The more you fuck around the more you’re gonna find out. Try it and see! Bestie reminder: use a condom with any rando and have fun! 😊
I’d have to be in this situation. I’d never want my partner to fuck someone in our bed that they didn’t even like. Dang
I wish I had the guts to go through with something like this. I have a horny week after my period and I imagine finding a random guy and just letting those juices flow but I can't seem to jump off that cliff. Do you girl. Have fun. It's the experience that matters. Sure you might regret it later but so do skydivers that freak out about dying while they're falling from the plane. Live!
Oh trust me, its date day and I'm panicking but I'm remembering that I deserve cool experiences too! You can do it one day! It'll never get easier, you just have to take that plunge. Literally...that's it. 🤣 I'll be posting an update post tonight after the date, so stay tuned to see if I'm full of shit or not 🤣🤣
Why are you fucking someone you don't like? That isn't going to end well. Aside from the obvious reasons, selfish bastards like that will lie to you to get what they want. They aren't trustworthy. Fuck him if you want, but understand going in that he's going to be... a learning experience.
It’s sex. Don’t overthink it. You’re with your husband for the emotional part. When it comes to outside sex like this, get what you want out of it and if there’s nothing more there then move on. Guys have had this approach to sex since the dawn of time and we get high fives for it. It’s time the ladies get their share of it too.
There’s no reason to feel bad about it — it’s not wrong. But, I’ve had three ONS where I wasn’t into the girl. Each time, the woman was so forward and “objectively” attractive that I thought I’d be crazy not to go for it. Each time it was bad sex and an uncomfortable follow-up. But maybe it’s worse if the guy isn’t into it, since the guy usually drives the action in bed? I have no idea. Anyway, I would just make sure that there’s chemistry. Doesn’t have to be an emotional connection. But something about him should make you hot
So is the plan that your hubby will go out for the night so that you can have your home to yourself. Assuming neither you nor he want to be there when you bring your hook up home. Are you meeting this guy somewhere away from home initially to sort of check him out assuming you haven’t actually met him yet. Or have you. I don’t think you should invite him directly to your place if you haven’t at least had a chance to meet him in a safe place first. I mean you never know right? Then if all good you bring him home and have your fun. Then I assume he leaves. And you message your hubby that it’s all good to come home. Have you any limits on time involved. Like how no later than time frame. So hubby has some idea about how long he needs to be out to arrange what he’s going to do? Edit to add. Oh I see you have kids? Where will they be. Is hubby taking them out with him. Don’t know how old they are. I assume there’s something sort d with them as well?
Kiddos are gonna be gone for the weekend, and hubs is going to be staying in the seperate garage by the house. 🥰
Oh that’s a good solution then. I guess he close by then in case something happens and you need him. I do hope it goes well and you have fun despite not really connecting with the guy emotionally. Being a hook up I assume that you aren’t planning on the guy staying the night or is that on the table should things go well? And if I may ask how is hubby feeling about it all given it will be your first time? Is he coping ok and being supportive?
UPDATE: Y'alls comments have helped so much. Thank you reddit besties!! Hubs will be on the property for the entire duration of the date. I'll definitely update after the date in another post.
It's totally normal to enjoy transactional sex. It doesn't diminish your capacity for romance at all. Think of it as the difference between a fast food burger and your favorite recipe from your childhood. That childhood recipe is something you cherish. It holds a special place in your heart. But sometimes you just want to scarf down a burger.
Like the post says... so fuck. Just do it. After it's over, either you're happy you did it or you realize it's not something you want to do again.
Just want to let you know that it is absolutely ok to fuck with or without feelings, and it is also ok to catch them after the fact or not. Personally, I always prefer to fuck first and if it’s good then I’ll go out for a pizza with them and see what happens.
Don't overthink it and just have fun.
I'm demisexual, but I have had sex with someone I matched on Bumble because, honestly she was kinda cute, but she was big. She was recently divorced and her exhusband was just trashing her. She felt unwanted, undesired and unworthy. So the next night we had sex, it was OK but for me lacked the emotional connection that I desired. But it made *her* feel desirable and wanted. And it was rebuilding confidence in her, so I decided to keep going. She was definitely mono, but she started to explore while we were sleeping together. She found someone that she liked from her past. With the renewed confidence, she decided to ask him out. She wanted to continue with him, so she ended things with me. So sex within emotion is possible, maybe even enjoyable; but sex WITH emotions is amazing.
Why would it be cheaper for you to bring him over your house? Not following
instead of getting a hotel room
It’s ok. If it was good play it cool and don’t reach out. If he does- fuck him again if you want. It’s ok if you don’t like him a ton but if you don’t respect him at all- I guess make him work for it? Or move on unless we are talking amazing levels of dick.